Lifeline - 30. Cold Busted

Episode Date: October 30, 2022

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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. did it start on the recording say yes or no yeah do that simply say yes or no right okay cool great fuck yeah so it took so long to say yes what was weird is that you asked i asked you asked again i said answer you said it was like four or five prompts i mean at least at least five right the clock to start before but you didn't even say that or does it to start the clock and then say yes but what happened is you didn't say that if you had said that everything would have been clear exactly even if you said actually guys i just want to wait until the clock's on it would have been way better not i'm trying to predict but exactly starts in the h you know exactly and dude i will

say this man uh welcome to lifeline welcome back to lifeline everybody time with the uh lifeline live that was a fucking got went like gangbusters it was very fun i think as of now that'll be two episodes ago though right oh yeah you're right two episodes ago i do that now after i say something i go there's nothing more insecure no because because i want to I do that now. After I say something, I go... There's nothing more insecure. No, because I want to be cute. Because when I say something that might sound rude, like, oh, is that a size too small? Yeah. It disarms you.

Honestly, you just sound like an evil villain. No, but people get less offended when you say something offensive and then you sound very cute at the end of that. Like, oh, that fucking hat looks bad on you. I gave you herpes. I mean, wow, you know? know well that's not offensive though that's like you're just dropping a bad that's offensive that is very offensive wow that'd probably be the worst thing to ever say to somebody especially if you did

if it wasn't a lie and you weren't and it was true i got the lifeline sweater on the crew neck let me tell you something about those though very nice they look so good on everybody that wears them dude they're great i put mine on and, and I'm fucking inches taller, dude. I just grow. That may be a lie, but. I grow. Yeah, so you can go to Watch Lifeline to get the, watchlifeline.com to get the merch,

and let people know. Call the hotline. I'll be in Denver. When does this one come out? Yeah, Denver. I'll be in Denver and Boston coming up next. So go to chrislea.com to get your tickets to Denver and Boston and New York.

We sold one show out at the Beacon, and we added another show at the Beacon. Hey, New York, right? Yeah, we're going to New York February 18th, and then a week later we're going to Chicago. Not to mention we're doing Lakeland, Florida. Nothing's more New York than being in fucking fucking florida right especially during the cold months hey fuck you you fucking fuck forget about it jacksonville all that shit huh all right so uh yeah albany is sold out uh and

oh and cheyenne dude cheyenne it's first time i've ever been in cheyenne oh what's that i'm hunting when i go to cheyenne everybody does this in cheyenne because they're always hunting that's the most bitch hunting of all time like this no it's like this okay dear now i'm hunting i mean the worst play the worst play so um deer hunter d-e-a-r um yeah dude okay if you have a question go to to the description below or click or go to watchlifeline.com. Okay, so look, man. So now, why am I sweating so much? I don't know, because honestly, I'm not sweating that much. So it all has to do with-

I probably have a thyroid problem is the answer. It all has to do with what, I don't know, because sometimes, you know what I mean? Like, it could be the same temperature one day, you're good. One day, the next day, same temperature, and you're sweating. The most fluctuation of body temperature is me. You know what I mean? It could be the same temperature one day, you're good. One day, the next day, same temperature, and you're sweating. The most fluctuation of body temperature is me. That's the wrongest way to say that, but you know what I meant. Yeah.

No, I don't actually know what you meant. So my body temperature fluctuates more than anyone in the universe that doesn't have a thyroid problem. Do you have a thyroid problem? I don't know. So you might you have a thyroid problem i don't know so you might i might but i don't know if i do so i can't say that i do so i don't have one okay so that's uh well i'm sorry you know and if it gets hot we can take a break we've done that before you're sweating you're perspiring if i stay still i sweat less yeah that's par for the course don't make me move. So my neck hurts. There, I said it.

Yeah, you're moving like Batman. You're doing this. Yeah, I know. It really hurts. And it didn't hurt when I woke up, which is crazy. Usually when your neck hurts, it hurts from when you wake up. What happened? Or you pull it. You know what happened?

Dude, you know what happened? I have a guess, but go ahead. Okay, go ahead. Guess. Probably nothing. Absolutely nothing. Good. I'm sitting there holding Calvin.

We're having a great time. I'm sitting. I'm not even standing. I'm not moving. Well, you were holding Calvin. We're having a great time. I'm sitting. I'm not even standing. I'm not moving. Well, you were holding Calvin. You were exerting some energy. No, no, no. Oh, okay.

He was literally laying on me. Oh. Like this. Oh. Laying down. And all of a sudden, my neck just decides to go like this. And I'm in extreme pain. What's that?

What was that? An explosion? The pain. Oh, that's the's that what was an explosion the pain oh that's the pain radiates the pain radiates and does it go like this nope like it throbs or just it's one extended pain nope it goes and then congeals and it stays there and it's always there the pain congeals so that's great so now i pick poetry so now the pain radiates the pain congeals worse doctor so now when i when i move my neck it hurts very badly and i'm so excited about that dude that's so fucking awesome has that been an ongoing thing with you that area of your neck nope never so now that i'm 42 that just may be something that hurts all the probably but my neck my back got better my back it was my neck my back and my pussy and my crack and then my neck got better uh i'm sorry my back got better though what happened with your pussy it closed up yeah it got really dry disgusting um so anyway

let's but but my point is my back got better i fucking had to go in and get a procedure and they gave me cortisone in my back dude you didn't know that let's talk about cortisone let's talk about how there's nothing salesman let's talk Let's talk about how there's nothing. A cortisone salesman. Let's talk about how there's literally nothing better than a shot of cortisone. Did it really work that well? I one time had, my throat was, it was when I was really sick. Oh, yeah. My throat was closing, closing, closing, and it hurt so bad to swallow, it probably hurt more than when women have a baby come out of their vagina.

Oh, wow. Did the doctor say that? The Arizona, by the way. No, no, no. Yeah. It might be the fan in the bathroom. Oh, right okay sorry i don't like that i gotta be honest it makes me feel very uncomfortable when you do that it might honestly it might be the fan in the bathroom okay it is okay it is um and so it could be this fan right here yeah okay my throat was closing right he said take off your pants and bend over and he got a cortisone shot he got this nurse got

a cortisone shot he didn't do it his female nurse did and she injected it into my ass cheek and i felt so terrible when i was going to the doctor yeah by the time i was at the elevator to go down the four flights from the doctor's office yeah i felt so good. I was like, I'm going to take the fucking stairs and I ran down the stairs and I was like, ba-da-dee, ba-da-da, ba-da-dee, ba-da-da. All I want to do is

I'm a zoom, zoom, zoom in a boom, boom. Matt. Yo. I don't want you to be doing a melody, a, what would you call it? A mix of songs.

Probably a medley. Medley, medley, medley. That's what I was trying to say. But A mix of songs. A medley. Medley, medley, medley. That's what I was trying to say. But I'm the king of the medley and everybody that knows that. But my question is they gave you a cortisone shot in your butt for your mouth. Dude.

Yes. Went to the wrong doctor. No, it wasn't, it wasn't, obviously it wasn't local, but it just goes to where it needs to go. Some drugs go to where it needs to go.

But then how come they gave me a cortisone shot in, in where it hurts in my back? Probably because here's what i'm going to say oh and it's and it's probably it's probably true if not oh i has no idea because it's different it's just a different thing i guess obviously a doctor knows what he's doing he's like dude they put me like take off your pants and bend over just because he is a that's like he's not a priest you know what i'm saying they bet they they put me on a gurney i guess face down injected me with numbing shit and then injected my my uh back with cortisone i mean that's almost like how big was the needle big i was like i'm not looking at it like a spinal tap no it wasn't that i know but it's like why would they do it like that uh i don't know but my back felt fucking fantastic for one day

and then it went and then but they said this could last for a year or one day literally oh dude and i was like okay cool of course lasted for one day and then and then it got better over time and i don't think it was the cortisone i think it was just just my body healing. Steroids are a crapshoot. They're steroids, though. That's why you can't get a lot of them. Right. Exactly. Because they'll leave a dimple in your shit, too.

That's what they said. They said, that's why they did it in my butt, though. They were like, because it might leave a dimple, we don't want to do it anywhere locally because then you'll look like fucking the Joker or some shit. I wanted to. They should do it on the tip of my nose. Maybe make it a little smaller. Well, then you just have a divot. little smaller well then you just get in my cock it'd be like a butt nose i could afford to lose some for my cup you know what i mean that's why i said i was like oh well my cock is

so giant do you want to put it onto that and then i took my cock out and i was like see do you see what i'm talking about the doctor's like no then i got sued no i did I do to this car? No, I got sued. Okay, cool. Yeah, so my neck fucking hurts so bad, and that's great. And what maladies do you have? I'm too sweaty right now. Yeah. My sleep's been extremely fucked up. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Mine's been... And I've been having very fucked up nightmares that are crazy big adventures where I go to try to save someone, and instead of saving them, I actually, in fact, lead directly to their death. That is just great, man. So it's all good. That's fantastic.

That's just beautiful, man. It's gorgeous. I have the worst dreams when I go to sleep and then wake up at 8.30 p.m. and then sleep more. If I... Wake up...

Sorry, 8.30 a.m. If I sleep in the morning, my body goes like this. We'll terrorize you. Yeah, yeah. We'll terror terrorize you but you mean if you go back to sleep did you want to see what your dad would look like with no eyes i'll close up here we go but that you're saying when you go back to sleep okay it's because when you sleep for shorter periods of time the dream you know it doesn't get to go deep enough into your mind for you to like it's too close to your memory is what i'm saying when you sleep for a short period of time because you don't go to a deep enough sleep it's like more of an actual

memory and you can remember it way better when you wake up oh i know oh wow the only time anybody's ever said that oh and then i know dude uh well you know what dude we should get into it man you know we've got a we've got a lot of really great callers probably. And let's see what's up. It's backtracked. Let's see what's up, dude. Let's go to our first one. All I was going to do was zoom, zoom, zoom. Hi, Chris and Matt.

It's Hannah here. You guys helped me with the coworker who had horrible stories. Oh. I have another advice's request for you. I'm currently in Teachers College. I'm going to be teaching high school students science. I'm currently in teacher's college. I'm going to be teaching high school students science.

And people have been starting to tell me that I should be worried about how the boys in my classes are going to flirt with me, which I did not think about until people started. It seems to be the only thing that people are mentioning every time I tell them, oh, I'm going to be teaching high school students. They say that the boys are going to flirt with me. So now I'm starting to panic because I have no idea what I'm going to do. So do you guys have any advice for how I can kind of deflect and spin move away when or if my students try to hit on me? Hopefully as a joke, but nonetheless.

She's saying that though. Here's but nonetheless. She's saying that though. Here's the thing. She's saying that though. People are telling her that because she's pretty. They're being pervy. They're like, you know, they're going to get hit on. If she was some frumpy fat chick, nobody would fucking say that to her. Relax about the fucking way you said frumpy fat chick.

Why? She's not that. It hurt frumpy fat chick why she's not that it hurt my feelings is why she's not that she's not but people are and some people heard that and they're like ah shit i'm not calling anyone frumpy or fat i'm look fat is a word that means that if it's a word then some people are that we actually have an episode titled fat frumpy too okay well that is the rude part why is that rude from because it implies it's like... But there are people who are frumpy and fat. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, let's move on.

And her question isn't about that either. So her question is, what do I do if this happens? Yeah, you tell the person. You're just saying I'm hot. I'll... No. Okay. I'll tell you what you do.

It's not... Okay. And it's a little slightly counterintuitive, but I'll explain why you have to do it this way. Okay. Obviously, you want to put an end to it. Yeah. But you cannot say something in response that will make other students laugh.

Yeah. Or will make the student who said it think he's like being a class clown and getting attention for it. Oh, yeah. Because nothing will make him do it more other than you just like turning around and sucking his dick you know i mean like if it the only thing the only thing that would make him do it more is if like it it worked is what i'm saying yeah which obviously won't work so short of that the only thing that you could do to make it more to embolden students to do it more is if like you said something that either was funny in itself even as like a clap back you don't want to engage with it at all don't do a clap back yeah just just

either completely ignore it or say i'm going to report you to the principal and then actually do it okay don't egg it on in any fucking way don't clap back even though it's obviously going to be tempting especially if it's a fucking offensive thing to say yep don't don't slide into that though like please don't you'll do yourself a favor by just meeting it head on fucking dr strange style stop it yeah that's what dr what if she did do that just stop it that's what dr strange i know he goes he goes stop it trying to do the circle. Right. The portal. I think that honestly, if you did that and she went to the fucking principal and the principal was like, what if, I mean, he might be like, well, it's probably because you're not a frumpy fat chick.

Well, then she would sue that guy and get rich. Why would she sue him because he's saying you're not a frumpy fat because he's sexualizing her and defending the student saying you're not if the principal said well it's because you're not a frumpy fat chick he would be sexualizing her or contributing to that and you should get fucking fired that's because you're not a frumpy what is this him lowering his glasses oh wow like a principal um yeah no i know i'm kidding uh honestly i think maybe uh just ignore it completely and be like hey um just you know all right cool yeah let's get the homework done you know or whatever the fuck but look at this 181 teachers charged with sex crimes during first

half of 2022 this is why you can't say anything in return either it's another reason you only either say nothing and report it or say i'm gonna report it and then report it you don't clap back you don't say something smarmy in return about the student's appearance or his youth nothing okay you fucking the line is so fucking thin now everybody freaks the fuck out about everything especially in classrooms don't slide that slippery slope you'll go whoa worst ted talk so i feel yeah no i feel like yeah just that's it but also somebody's different fucking i know the billboard is that matt dylan i mean no but it should be it's not matt dylan it could be that's matt dylan no it's not oh my god yeah i made up for the leo dicaprio oh it's

from wild things yep um all right so i think uh i think that also what was different about her she did have a different hair color or something if i remember correctly she looked like a different person to me well she never looked frumpy and fat well she had her hair up and had glasses on i don't think she did the first time all right well let's do uh the next one okay but yeah we figured that out for sure what's up what's up chris take it off pause it i don't like when hair peeks out of the hat that's fine but if it's like that like an actual garden growing under his hat take it off it's actually never it looks like chia pet like he just fucking puts the hat on and then smears that fucking stuff and then waters it and then and then the hat stays there and it grows out a little bit like

this is the time lapse like that right but he But he's trying to also hide his Chia Pet because it's poking out from underneath. Right. Also pubes. Pubes for sure. A hundred percent. Pubes on his head. Yeah. Like there should be a dick on his forehead.

And there is. And that's why he's wearing a hat. He's hiding it. A hundred percent. All right, cool. And so we figured that out. So let's do this. Now what I don't like is that we told Chris to make it so we can pause it and it doesn't start over.

Now, didn't we? We did. And what does it not do? When did we say that? We said that a while ago. I did. Oh, okay. So you could go from there.

Yeah. Let's see. Big fans of you both. Actually, I've been for a long time. Matt obviously got to you a little late in the game. Chris, been a long time fan of you for a long fucking time through thick and thin baby um but so i need some advice so my name is river and that's pretty different pretty unique name at least around here you know like i'm thankful for it my whole life i'm 24 i have dealt with uh you know like the

jokes on my name so um which is cool like i don't care because they're all pretty kindergarten you know um of course words that they use like you know lake ocean all that good shit um so i matched with this girl on a dating app the other night i know stupid shouldn't be on that um and she said nice to meet you pond i oh nice pretty big talk from somebody with a normal name which her name was shelby good billions of them and so she uh then she responded back with wow are you victim blaming it's not my fault that my parents named me that and i said no it's not victim blaming if i'm saying it in a way of i i know it's not your fault but you have a normal ass name so know your normal ass name place in life you know so i'm not asking

on i'm not asking advice on how to deal with that i just want funnier ways to respond back to people that give me those kindergarten uh nicknames like you know just the ones that are just so on the nose and easy to grab for it's a good question yeah thanks guys dude i think you should say first of all i think he dealt with it really well he did but he should say actually that's funny because i wish we were near a body of water so i could drown you right now you know and kill you in a river or anywhere or if they say hi pond you say interesting i wish we were near a pond it's funny you bring that up because i would love to drown you and then the person's like yeah for so long yeah yeah and then well no it's on social media

what you what you but yeah oh right i see what you're saying no but what you should do is honestly write all of the things that people say all the time on cards okay and always have them with you good and then you show them and then when they when they say one just go like this yep yep yep pick it out and go like this. Yep, yep, yep. Pick it out and go like this. And it says, do you know how many times someone has called me pond? They would feel so moated, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be so cold busted, man. Yeah, it's true. That would be so moated. But also when you start, like start with a number that's already high. Don't start at one because then when you pull it out, like don't start from scratch when you make that list because then when somebody does it and you're like you know how many times people have called me pond and then they read it and it says like two no no no but just no but just say something that people often say to me is oh so there's no counter on hand it to it right okay yeah it will be so moated yeah what is moated co-busted oh co-busted okay one time when um um one time when i was in second grade uh mrs beady i remember her yeah i had her she was the

frumpy fat one no oh then i don't know her don't okay so now that was miss benaxis you had miss benaxis okay but no but so now you're being worse than i was in the beginning i wasn't saying i was just like calling it back okay but that's fine but maybe they're dead now who's mrs beaty mrs beaty beaty mrs fucking mrs beaty was great fucking beat me off you know what i'm saying nope nope absolutely not man okay okay okay wonderful woman okay second grade teacher and i was yeah i didn't have her i had miss caldwell i remember her match venn and had her she was pretty oh maybe it's not she probably got hit on she was really old I had Miss Caldwell. I remember her. Matt Trevenen had her. She was pretty. Oh, maybe it's not her. She probably got hit on.

She was really old, right? Mrs. Caldwell? No, she was very young. Oh, damn. I don't know. Okay. So anyway, Rashid. I remember Rashid.

Do you? He was pretty funny, yeah. Yeah, he was fucking funny. I wonder what he's doing now. He was saying something to Miss Beatty, and Miss Beatty was like, Rashid, no, hold on a second and hold on a second and and rashid said oh miss beady that's co-busted and then miss beady said rashid if you

don't get out of my face i'm gonna co-bust it all over you whoa yeah dude and it was so hilarious dude i laughed so hard as you can imagine i mean even in second grade you knew it was funny oh me yeah i had never heard co-busted before in my life so i was laughing i was having a as you can imagine. I mean, even in second grade, you knew it was funny? Oh, me? Yeah. I had never heard co-busted before in my life. Oh, oh. So I was laughing. I was having a conniption fit, dude. It sounds good.

I mean, man, it was so funny. Oh, but that's co-busted. Rasheed, if you don't get it in my face, I'm going to co-bust it all over the place. So she was... I'm going to co-bust it. So that would be a version

of clapping back, not the best idea in 2022. Right, exactly. Because Rasheed could have went right to the principal's office. And she said, the teacher said she was going to bust on my face. Then she's gone forever. Right, right, right. But no witnesses.

I was a witness. So it would have been like she didn't actually say that. Okay. But she did say that. She didn't. All over the place. Co-busted all over the place. Oh, the place.

To get caught doing something you shouldn't while you're convicted guilty of a... Yeah, they used it differently though back then co-busted meant like fucked up not that wait what's over co-bust deliver insult that's what it was delivered insult attempt to highlight an accuracy i'm trying to raise money for college your mom goes to college co-busted that's what it was yeah right okay yeah hell yeah dude wow rashid shout out to rashid i wish remembered Rashid. What the fuck was his last name? I don't know. Remember Omar and Tatiana?

Omar Piz or Omar Holt? Holt. He had a younger sister named Tatiana. Oh, yeah. Remember Tatiana? She was in my grade. Yeah. Yeah.

Omar Holt's the shit. They looked exactly alike. Love Omar Holt. They were both extremely beautiful, and they both looked exactly alike somehow. I got to hit up Omar soon. You're still friends with him, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't talked to him in a bit but uh anyway you know we're just having a conversation now but uh let's go to the next one guys let's see what's up hey chris and matt love the podcast chris you're one of the funniest guys around you make me laugh more than anybody else you're just awesome been a fan for years anyway uh i have a problem with uh my group of friends right now uh i have i have one friend who's not really a part of my main group of friends and my main group of friends does not like this person at all um it's like four different people they all think they're loud boisterous too two in your face. Just doesn't fit the vibe, I guess, of what it usually is when we all hang out.

But I really like this person. I've known them for a long time. I think they're fun. I don't get annoyed by the things they get annoyed at. And I'm just wondering, what should I do? If I ever have a football party at my house or something like that, I don't want to not invite this person, but I also want all of my main friends to come.

Anyway, yeah. What should I do? Would they not come? See, my whole thing is you don't have to invite everybody to everything. I don't like that. When people are like, what the fuck? You didn't invite me? I totally agree.

It's okay to not want to. We've talked about this before. I totally agree but here's the thing this party's at your house exactly yeah you invite whoever the mother fuck you want to come to your mother fuck house no i'm not saying i that is the stupidest fucking thing okay i kind of secretly like it but i know you do i know you do i know you do look um i think that uh honestly you got to be this is my advice to you dude you're you're you're legitimately you can tell right away you're too nice of a guy yep you got to be more of a boss in this situation by who you want you got to be like yo this is my friend he's good i want you to feel me and feel why he's good because you don't get it you're out of the loop and aren't you insecure about that that's the vibe

he has to have you're completely yelling yeah okay chuck's coming okay whether you like it or not that's even more intense to whisper the shit it's even more intense if you can't see it i can't help you but i'm the motherfucking boss wow now come to my chargers party or whatever the fuck yeah come to come come see the baltimore ravens chuck's coming and you bring the dip. Okay. Yeah, you could do that. That's so confrontational. Yeah, exactly.

But there's a way to be that. And then you and Chuck scoop that. Before it even hits the table, when they bring the dip, scoop it. Feed Chuck. Here. Wow. Eat it, Chuck. And Chuck goes, um, num, num.

And then Chuck feeds you, um, num, num. And then you both dip, and you both give it to the guy. That's such a disgusting party. Like, well, that's, nobody's going to go if that's the deal, you know? Dude, eat it. Chuck, Chuck, feed him. Chuck, feed him now. But whisper, right?

Everyone's just like, we don't, nobody wants to. Yeah. All over his face. No, look, on his face and shit, dip. Okay. So don't do any of that stuff. I don't, I disagree. I agree with me.

But just, it's your party. Invite whoever you want. If somebody has a problem with it that is only their problem if he's if he's your friend and you want to invite him to ultimately you invite him to especially if it especially if make the potential to make that other friend feel bad is higher and that affecting you is higher than the price you pay for inviting him and having your other friends deal with it. I feel like- What's the higher cost, you know? Yeah, I feel like it's basically just,

you have to, that's a last kind of, if it all comes down to it, yes. But I think that the chips and the dip thing and then the inviting Chuck and then being more of a boss is the way to go. Okay, I just think the chips thing is too confrontational. Sure, I understand,

but you know what I mean? You got to have that attitude of like, I'll feed you dip, motherfucker. So have the spirit of feeding, you have to feed each other dip. Of making Chuck feed him dip.

But not literally do that. You could. I would like that. You have the vibe of forcing someone to feed chips to the other guy. Yeah. But you don't do it.

Yeah, but you could do it. You could do it, but I don't think you should. I would do do it but i agree that this guy probably shouldn't because he'd fuck it all up in the spirit of that is good but i don't think he should literally do that yeah uh invite who you want you could also invite more people and this way they you know if you're just inviting your yeah exactly if you're just inviting four dudes and then also chuck a guy they hate yeah it's like I don't want to go. But this sucks, man.

I've dealt with it before. If people don't like your friend, but... You've dealt with that a lot because you have some of the worst fucking friends. I invite them all anyway and they show up because I fucking have that feeding the dip mentality. And that's why I never hang out with you. Well, it's not why. That is one of the reasons why. Because you always have at least three people who I think, hmm. Yeah.

You probably have like a body in your car. That's so hilarious, dude. That's, you got a twisted sense of humor. But it's so funny because, dude, it's like, man, they're so weird. I love weirdos, dude. I get that in a one-on-one sense, but I can't have too many around me at once. Oh, dude, it's awesome. I don't want to feel like I'm at a carnival, you know what I mean?

Like the Weird Avengers? Yeah. Yeah, like you're at a carny show. Yeah. It's great. Your neck hurts so bad, huh? It's killing me. Yeah, I can see it.

But it's great, dude. It's great to have the weirdos. I ran into Gianfranco last night. Oh, dude. The Italian dude. Have you talked about him before on Congratulations? Yeah, my Italian friend. Hell, he has the action movie acting class?

No, I haven't talked about that. That shit's wild, dude. He has green screen acting, too. Dude, he has the action movie acting class? No, I haven't talked about that. That shit's wild, dude. He has green screen acting too. Dude, he's a green screen action star, man. He's an actor and he lives in Switzerland. And he teaches action movie acting. Yes. Which is hilarious, dude.

Yeah, he's great. I love him. He's awesome. He looks younger now. I don't know what happened. He's a very good guy. Dude, living in Switzerland really helps, dude. You're so chill. Back in the day, they used to send people to Switzerland as like a health to recuperate. he's a very very good guy living in switzerland really helps dude but yeah you know chill back

in the day they used to send people to switzerland as like a health uh to recuperate really yep i figured that out on my own no you did not i figured that out on my own that it's good because i saw him after a few years of being in switzerland and he looks great and he looks younger so i figured out that switzerland is a good place to go and make yourself feel fucking carefree and fancy but thousands and thousands of people figured it out before you. That's all I'm saying. Okay, but you needed to learn it. I already knew it because I experienced it.

I didn't learn it. You read it probably, right? I acquired the knowledge through vast, vast... Documentarians? ...vast knowledge of many, many, many things. But I lived it. It's like that whole thing about... You didn't go to Switzerland.

Right, but I lived my friend looking younger. It's like that whole thing where they're sitting down. We're sitting down on the bench and go to hunting and you're matt damon and you're like yeah i know everything but i'm like but have you been to the chapel right what it feels like when you fucking look at them touching their fingers like that or however the monologue goes that's what i was so i'm the smart one i hate that monologue thank you yeah okay well it's i understand you hate the monologue the monologue in itself is good in the movie it kind of explains everything and in the movie it makes the movie not as good,

but the monologue is good. Can we agree on that? Everything in the movie is less good because it's in the movie. Yeah. I mean, I basically agree.

Yes. But the movie's good. I haven't seen it in way too long. I just saw it. I have a feeling it is like up to no good. Some movies are so manipulative,

I consider them up to no good and beyond the tipping point. Weirdest critic. They're just not good. And we give it two up to no good and beyond the tipping point and we're just critic they're just not good and we give it two up to no goods yeah that's actually what i would do for sure yeah yeah yeah all right cool what else movie is up to no good vanilla sky okay next let's go uh yeah i mean vanilla sky is up to man without a face cool let's go it's a niche niche naughty movie yeah all right next one holy shit matt you read it what's good chris and m diesel i won't keep you guys waiting so here you go kept us waiting by me kept us waiting just get into it i'm a 21 year old dude

who's still a virgin and never had a girlfriend there's a 25 year old absolute milf she's a best friend of quote or parentheses bear with me now my brother-in-law's brother's b baby mama jesus who started out by following me on instagram and liking my stories and then added me on Facebook and Snapchat. We've been talking. I mean, as Tourette's, we've been talking over Snap the last week or so. But the thing is that her ex, who's the father of her two kids, is an absolute lunatic from the stories I've heard. Should I keep talking to her and see where it goes or keep stepping instead of wasting my time like I have every other time? I love you all.

Thank you, Chris, for for loki saving my life and thank you matt for being chris is much more logical but just as funny and much sexier brother so political he didn't say that part okay it's much sexier and cooler and fucking just astonishingly great brother and his instagram here is justin ordeally or or d-i-l-l-e um yes it is okay uh there's a picture of him look how cool that's a picture of him he's a great guy he's ill as fuck huh i think it's a good guy i mean the where the picture's taken is hilarious what a great guy yo let's go do that lifeline picture under the fucking it's like his headshot or something he's a graffiti artist headshot so uh absolutely don't stop talking to this girl just because her ex is up according to many a lunatic like well you don't

know like just go get it dude like you can't back down from a guy who you've literally never even met just heard stories about come on dude he has no experience with him he does not know the guy and also he's never had sex dude go and don't stop get it get it this is all sorts of fucked up okay there's so many fucking fuck-ups here. How? Okay, go. I mean, this guy, he's never had sex. He's going to have sex with a fucking...

Well, whatever. That's not a fuck-up. He's only 21. No, no, no, no, no. That's not a fuck-up. But I'm saying this for the first time? It's all sorts of fucked up, dude. All right.

I mean, it's too much going on, dude. Explain, explain. Okay. Okay. So he's never had a girlfriend, whatever. He's never, whatever. There's a 25-year-old. She's older, which is okay.

Brother-in-law's brother's baby mama. Just too much. Right there. Brother-in-law's brother. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So brother-in-law's brother's baby mama. So already has a baby with somebody that he knows. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Two babies. That shit, two kids.

Really? Yeah. My brother-in-law's baby mama okay all right so whatever that doesn't matter one or two it doesn't even matter but who started out by following me on instagram and liking my stories she that's a bit of a fucking like that's nothing naughty movie but i don't like how people are like oh my god she liked my photo like that's nothing i agree but the whole thing is if she's got it going on and she starts doing this she needs to know what the weight she pulls with in the got it going on territory is okay

can you explain that my point is if you're bad as fuck and you're a baby mama's person that knows this fucking 20 year old dude's virgin guy and you know you got it going on right yeah then you're gonna follow a guy and you know it's like it's like when a hot chick is like man i really wish i could help you know with my taxes and some guys like i i could probably do it you know what you're doing you're giving that guy false hopes to squirt no dude that that that that that that that's too close to a bad argument dude i don't i don't that's not right it's a great argument it's not what if she fucking needs some of their fucking taxes yeah i know that she goes to somebody who does that shit not just some guy who's fucking hoping to get squirt to squirt

come on dude what's wrong with that why would she not ask a guy who wants to help her to help her just because she thinks he might want to get to squirt because she'll get it for free basically there's different levels of hooking is my point. Oh, no. There's not? We're not going to go down that avenue. Hooking's fine, but I'm saying be it if you're going to be it. You're suggesting that this one be a hooker.

No, no, no. I'm saying it's a skill. She's on the mini end of it and coupled with all these other red flags, it's a bad person to lose your virginity. Because she's liking his photos? No. Coupled with all these other red flags, it's a bad personal illusion of virginity. Because she's liking his photos? No. Coupled with all the other shit. The baby mama.

The adding the ex's father who has two kids. Absolute lunatic. Oh, from the stories I've heard, doesn't know it. It's just a lot. It's just a lot to take in, I think. Here's my advice. Okay. Just have sex with her.

Yeah, I'm not saying definitely don't do it. I'm just saying you better be prepared. If he's had sex before, he knows how to deal with it but dude he's gonna slide in and he's gonna fall in love dude okay well beware buyer beware on that don't fall in love that's a bad idea that's what i'm saying it's a sign maybe you like you roll out you have a couple fucking halloween nights you have a good time and you slide in and then slide in uh-huh with this woman okay i just think stop worrying you're 21 and a virgin like are you kidding me like you're so young you've never had sex go live make a mistake or two who gives a shit like yeah go good just go

do it who cares that's true all right take take more pictures under that overpass. It looks fucking ill. Yeah, he looks fucking dope, that guy. All right, cool. Sounds good. Next. Hi, Matt and Chris. Hi. My question is, do you have people in your life who are allowed to fart and people who aren't? What a great question. My buddies were over the other day and one of them farted. And I was appalled and disgusted and said no don't do that well and he was rightfully

offended because apparently a few minutes earlier our other buddy farted and i giggled so i had to dig deep inside myself and question why can't you and why can he? And why? And I can't find any explanation other than you're just not that guy. Like, you just can't. And I proceeded to make a list of people in my life who can and a list of people who can't. Ew, that's funny. And I can't find any similarities. She's funny.

What's that about? Am I just being a fart gatekeeper? Does it make sense? Wow, kind of. Think about the people in your lives who can and can't. Have fart rooms. Here's what I think.

No one can fart around me. Yeah, don't. No. And I can also fart around everyone. That's how everyone feels. But it's like you're on spit.

You can look at your own spit. When someone else spits, it's like, you fucking pig. Well, farting, I think, is worse. It is because it leaves a fucking trace. But it's like, you know, somebody farts, it's like, you fucking pig. Well, farting, I think, is worse. It is, because it leaves a fucking trace,

but it's like, you know, somebody farts, and it's like, you're a fucking motherfucking pig. Like, David Sullivan farts so much,

you know what I mean? I was just with him when he farted. Yeah, of course he did, because he's got that big fucking head. I don't like that.

And he's fucking gross, and he fucking wears shorts, and he farts, and the fucking smell goes over. He said, I can't eat cheese, man. And then he does anyway.

We were in Savannah, yeah, of course. And And then he does anyway. We were in Savannah. Yeah, of course. And then you paid the price. We were in Savannah and he was there in Savannah at his film festival. His film festival coincided with my- Oh, cool. And he was there and he was like, yeah, I'll get this without cheese, though. Oh, wow.

And then the guy left and I was like, man, you fucking got to eat cheese. He's like, no, it makes me fart, man. If I eat that special from around people, I'll start farting immediately, man. Why does he have to think he cares? He doesn't care. That guy's a fucking disgusting fart machine. So dick, he doesn't- But my point is-

So dick, he doesn't eat cheese a lot when I'm around me, but I make him do it. And then I tell him not to fart because I want him to be uncomfortable. Nice, that's torturous. But okay, so here's the deal. The worst Saw movie.

You have been bypassing eating cheese so much and not farting, but now you're subjecting people around you to the stench of your insides. Here's some Parmesan. Eat it and fart your way out. Oh. I want to play a game.

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Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! took so long to get to the joke you know oh walks up if you're like oh okay so the detectives later

i think i know what happened yeah and it's chris rock for some reason i don't know what happened chris rock. Okay, so. I smell farts. So. Sam Jackson background. God damn farts. No one is allowed to fart around me. I just watched Spiral. Okay.

No one is allowed to fart around me. No one is allowed to burp around me. Burping is worse. No one is allowed to be fucking disgusting around me without my express permission. Moses' fifth tablet. And a fucking signed contract saying it's okay. I mean, an NDA for farts, you know? You need signed permission for me to fart.

Fucking just keep it. Walk out of the fucking room. Walk out of the fucking room, you're going to fart. I won't. You won't, but that's gross. You don't. It's gross. Your farts smell like fucking death that's not true you just your farts smell like decomposed corpses after three days i put altoids up my butt okay well they fucking don't work okay none of this is true guys i do know what she means though about how some people are less

gross when they fart and some people are more even if they're the same fart but for me it's a no fart rule just don't do it your house is a no fart zone unless it's you and i'm alone yeah right oh you fart if i'm in a room with somebody i don't fucking fart that's disrespectful fucking disgusting disrespectful to fart no to not fart no the other way around you know because you gotta be when i am in a room and i fart i'm being me i'm giving you all of me i'm not holding back no one wants respectful that's not respectful no one wants all of you they go i go you're welcome that's yeah then that's come on and i say you want me to not be me you're a psychopath you're straight up psychopath for doing who was the person that called in we're just kind of started talking about oh yeah i think that there's a no farts on it that's really i really like that you

have a list of people who can and can't fart yeah and i think that you should brief people on who can and can't yeah that's your shit yeah totally but like and then when they say why not me you say honestly because i think you're more disgusting than the other guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're the kind of guy i don't want to smell their insides yeah you're gross you gross me out already yeah and then when you fart it puts you over the fucking edge because you're the kind of guy I don't want to smell their insides. Yeah, you're gross. You grossed me out already. Yeah. And then when you fart, it puts you over the fucking edge because you're disgusting. You fucking pig.

So I think, but also some farts sound wet. Some people do wet ones. Oh, come on. I don't do wet ones. My shit's dry. But I don't do wet ones. But sometimes you hear

like their cheeks going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? And it's disgusting as shit. Yeah, it's so gross. And then dude, have you ever farted and then shit by mistake not me i never honestly i actually never have done that i've heard people talk about me too

eric griffin talked about it last oh well then though that is gross yep he farted dude and he didn't know any any shit when he when he took a steppy shit so funny to think about him doing it and then like get up and be like oh i bet when he tells the story he describes the fart 100 yeah yeah yeah because that's his signature move all right first time i met him i was astonished at how many times he did this i know yeah i know it's disgusting we were at the one-on-one yeah it was farting shitting coming everything was that good with privates everything everything was squirting okay cool next yo chris and matt saying what up from scotland right now um i'm attending university here and life rips uh until recently when a situation involving my best friend and our

conflicting love life and a little bit of backstabbing has been making me blood red mad. Oh, no. Anger isn't something I really feel ever, so it feels kind of foreign. But it feels kind of good in that it's pushing me to want to do better in all aspects of my life. So because it's kind of out of spite, I could see how that could be unhealthy, but maybe it's kind of out of spite i could see how that could be unhealthy but maybe it's uh maybe it's for the better um so yeah i'm just wondering if you guys think anger can be a good thing if it's experienced occasionally and handled in a way that is

productive or if you should avoid it entirely and how do you guys deal with anger uh yeah appreciate the advice guys peace things like anger you can't avoid it entirely so you have to embrace it yeah it's like it's not something you don't breathe you're gonna die when you're 48 yes exactly somebody's gonna cut him off in the car he's gonna be like this huh like literally you guys felt no detectors are gonna be like nothing happened he just felt no anger and then all of a sudden something cut him off and it was too much and he's going to go like this and I was like, what the heck? What's going on? You can't hold in all anger

because the truth is if you never express anger, you're a fucking liar and you're scary because everyone feels anger from time to time. It's just another version of sadness and it's sadness

that bothers us so much we don't we can't control it we can't deal with it so we start fucking getting furious right that's why men get more mad than women because they don't like to deal with sadness and what are you doing okay so close the worst shot going from the fucking eye to the mouth you know so bad dude um you have to be mad well are you really not mad or are you just convincing yourself you're not he said he's blood red mad he said he is okay so then what's he saying he's talking about on letting that out and of course you have to let that out yeah go try boxing or something talk to your fucking friend about it man oh yeah like and let it let yourself be angry don't be mean there's see here's the thing yeah there's a difference between being angry and mean yeah

so you're allowed to express anger but you're not allowed to be mean it's like it's like the difference between you can't feel bad for things that you feel but you can feel bad for things that you do yeah based on those feelings you can be you can be like god damn it i'm so pissed off at you but you can't be like i'm so pissed off at you and you're short yeah yeah that would be that would be uh and you're frumpy and fat okay i i think uh yeah what's weird about this guy is he's very articulate and speaking about it like he kind of knows what's happening which is the opposite of people who don't want to deal with their emotions. So I'm going to go ahead and say he's a sociopath.

We've diagnosed him. I mean, no, I think he just bottles it up too much. No, he would be a sociopath if he didn't feel those things. Yeah, okay, I guess so. You're right. Right? Yeah. So what you want to do is let it out like even if it's into a pillow

just hold it over your face and go shout shout let it all out wow good gonna let it out gonna let it in gonna let it out um what all from counter. What? From counterintuitive. They hit. Counterintuitive. All right. So, yeah, I think that that's probably – you got to talk to your friend. Yeah, dude. Yeah. It's bad news, dude.

Get to it. You're going to get cancer and you're going to die at 40. Yeah, you will get cancer, dude. Someone's not going to say, excuse me. You're going to be like – You can't bottle it up that much. Uh-oh. Do a wet fart and die.

All right. Disgusting. Hey, Chris. Hey, Chris. Hey, Matt. This is Kayla from Midland, Texas. Chris, I'll be seeing you very soon. Cool. Can't wait.

Very excited. ChrisLia.com. So I have something that I need your opinion on or need some advice on. It's a subject that is a little slightly embarrassing just because it is being broadcast to the world. But, you know. I just shit my pants. No shame in my game. So, for as long as I can remember, I have always peed right when I hit the shower.

What? It's, you know, before I clean myself with soap. That's cool. I want to pee all over myself. I just pee and then wash my body, get out, all good. I took a shit on myself. Well, my husband thinks that that is absolutely gross, disgusting. Well, come on.

He doesn't understand it. He's like, well, why don't you just pee before you get in the shower? The warm water makes you want to pee. There's a toilet right there. Well, I mean, that's fine, but it's like saving a couple minutes, okay? Well, that's why. Just wanted your opinion. Was she the president?

Do you guys pee in the shower? Does Kristen pee in the shower? Is it a normal thing, or am I really that disgusting? Don't really care because I'm like, you're doing it. Set the whole thing up just to know if Kristen pees in the shower. I don't know. So here's the thing. Your husband's a fucking weirdo. People that are like, oh, you pee in the shower. I don't know. So here's the thing. Your husband's a fucking weirdo.

People that are like, oh, you pee in the shower and then I get in there, like, shower's the most sanitary motherfucking place in the world because soap is constantly running across the floor

of the fucking shower. People are cleaning themselves in the shower. Yes, they're getting the dirt off their bodies, but guess where the dirt goes? Down the fucking drain.

Nothing, dude, that's not gross at all. No, it's not gross. People are so stupid, man. It is not gross. all people are so stupid man it is not it is not gross i don't know it i don't know this guy just has a weird thing about it i guess but also like how many showers are you taking with your significant other i can't even think of like maybe i've done it five times you know like i that's how much is he getting mad at this

just pee or don't take showers with him. I don't think it's even because he's with her. Oh, he's just... Oh, what the fuck? That's what I'm saying. Oh, that's ridiculous then. That's ridiculous. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Yeah, right. Right, exactly. Okay, honey, I stopped. Just bypass everything. You know, yeah. You don't want to lie, but also, like, what the fuck? It's like... If someone's being that petty and stupid and it's's that small of a thing you can lie about but also if you want to be like sometimes you don't

need to pee before you go in the shower and you get in the shower and you're like oh that warm water makes me want to pee warm water makes you want to pee you think that's what's going on with her well yeah man when you but you know the whole thing is like put your hand in a in a when you're sleeping you make oh right right right right is that real i don't know i tried to do it to you once you didn't piss you did that to me yeah it didn't work why'd you do that to me we were young how young you were 35 no you were uh you know we were in new jersey that's a fuck no we were locking out actually that's a horse shit thing to do man well i tried to do it man well fuck you dude well one time i also put a fucking a watch in your pillowcase and it ticked so much

and you were so and you were so mad and you were like dad what is this ticking noise and he's like I don't hear it Matt and I heard it from the other room

and I was laughing so hard dude you are a fucking piece of shit dude and you were like I hear it and he was like no it wasn't why is that funny

you fucking asshole it's uh it was funny to me at the time it's not funny fuck you dude I went in and I took the watch out

that's probably why I'm so fucked up dude you fucked with me i took i took the watch out well you shouldn't have put it in well it was fun for a while and it's fine how long was it in there a few weeks no no no that night i took it out you got up and i like sneakily was like what's going on and i took it out bad brother fucking bad evil evil villain i put a watch on your pillowcase well yeah he did it i'm crafty i'm the beguiver of fucking pranks i mean not is that not even that crafty you know the bowl with the warm and the pissing yourself is the thing that the watch and the thing is not a thing and i'm you know who uh we did that too was uh mike manarelli at rightwood so italian and he did it hey what's going on i'm mike marina what's his name manarelli mike marina

manarelli mike marinara hey what's going on my name is mike marinara you want to buy a fucking car come on down i'll also sell you some other stuff depending on what you need it's like that comedian mike marino yeah mike marino jesus christ he's funny one time make america italian again oops was never italian one time one time my so stupid you know one time mike marino was on stage before me and he was fucking absolutely crushing and i couldn't i fuck and i couldn't follow really yeah dude the crowd was older but i mean the crowd was older and I was like, Jesus Christ. Okay. Okay. Mike Marino, you win.

And he was just doing, get the bat. Yeah. Right. Right. That's his thing. Get the bat. The most Italian thing ever. So Italian.

Nobody has bigger cuffs on their shirts that they roll up. Like he goes like this and he hits himself in the face with his cuffs. They're so big, dude. Yeah. This, like this. Right. Yeah. How do you know about that?

You know his shit. I mean, I just, yeah, I know this shit. I'm fucking smart. Love Mike Marino. He is funny. That shit is just fucking ridiculous. How you doing? Always, you know, show the shoulders.

Just milking the fucking tally shit. Make America Italian again was never Italian. Did you know I was Italian? Yes. Yeah. Pasta sauce in his fucking spaghetti out of his pants. I think Sebastian's a fucking step away from just having like meatballs spaghetti out of his pants. I think Sebastian's a fucking step away from just having meatballs falling out of his pocket.

Oh, he so does that time. Who? Oh, the guy that the De Niro impersonator? He does? Oh, I didn't know that. And he's not even that good. It's hilarious. Oh, I gotta fucking look it up. What, like Instagram and shit? Yeah, dude. He hangs out with a De Niro impersonator? He does? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. And he's not even that good. It's hilarious. Oh, I got to fucking look it up. What, like Instagram and shit?

Yeah, dude. Yeah. He hangs out with a De Niro impersonator? Yep. Oh, my God, dude. I mean, of course he does, though. You know? That's hilarious.

Wow. It is fucking funny. His shit's funny, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike Marino live, I think, is his Instagram handle, which is- Mike Marino's great. His connection's great. Old comedian, to add live at the end i don't know i do i do know

okay so it's okay that you don't know you don't need to know i got you covered i do know and it's true i don't think that that's true i don't care what you think i would use christilly alive i know i'm old for a fact all right all right that it is true fine Fine, fine, fine. Thank you. Alright, next one. Oh, dude! In a fucking town and country magazine. You can see his balls! Dude, wearing no pants!

Balls and country. Balls and country magazine. Oh, fuck! Balls and country, man! Holy shit, man! oh fuck balls of country man holy shit man oh man this guy couldn't fucking be like the sixth seed tennis in his fucking

every every color in this shot is a different shade of the same color yeah lighter shade on him on shade of the same color. Yeah. Lighter shade of brown. On him, on his skin, the back, the brick, the fucking couch, his balls. Balls and Country Magazine. Wow, dude. Jesus. This is the cover of Balls and Country Magazine.

Yeah. All right, cool. Next. I mean, not next. I'm actually watching episode 29 of Lifeline right now or just started it uh and you know i thought i'd ask for a little bit of advice myself so great um i'm the seventh grade basketball coach knew it um for a boys basketball team i'm good and i started doing it last year ton of fun i love coaching um super fun age to coach, to be around.

But, you know, I can only take 12 kids on the team. And this year there's going to be, I think, like 19 or so trying out, which means I'm going to have to cut seven. So it's my least favorite part of the year. Every year, every season it's terrible, not fun. Yeah, he hates that. I think I dislike it as much as the kids who get cut dislike it. Dislike it as much as you put your pants on.

It's just not enjoyable in the slightest. And I was wondering if I could get some advices about how to break the news to the kids that are not going to make the team. I think that'd be pretty helpful. So I'd like to hear what you got. Thanks. That's got to be rough. Sit him down. Could have cut it sooner.

Sit him down one by one. He takes the phone back to his bedroom and then cuts it. And here's what you do. You don't start with how much of a great person you are. You start with the fact that unfortunately he didn't make the team. Look, he didn't make the team. Yeah, but then you talk to him about the kid across from you. You tell him how great he is, what you do like about him.

But don't – here's the key. Kids, especially kids that age, are hypersensitive to when they're being fed bullshit. Just make sure you pay a lot of attention to these kids when they're trying out for the team, especially the ones that you know you're going to cut, and start filing away the things you could tell them about themselves that aren't fucking bullshit. That's the best you can do. It sucks either way. That would be terrible.

That would be, I would fucking hate that, dude. But they can smell bullshit, kids, dude. Especially seventh, eighth grade, that age. They're ready for it. Their parents lie to them all the time about how fucking great they probably are. I'm not high. Yeah, the parents say stuff like that.

What? They say, I'm not high. And they've been doing rails of cocaine. Okay. Yeah, there's that too like that. What? They say, I'm not high, and they've been doing rails of cocaine. Okay. Yeah, there's that too. Probably. Some of them. So deeper, you know?

Well, I mean, our parents did fucking do rails of cocaine. But no, but yeah. So that's my, but what about you? So it would be like, look, you didn't make the team, but you have nice hair. Next. Bring Phil in here. Phil. No, not that, you know?

Make it take a little longer. More the thing I said. that is what you said dedicate a few like actual minutes to it though don't like don't let them like leave uh i'm just thinking about it like kids probably cry so sad it sucks but definitely do a one-on-one uh behind a closed door whatever the fuck yeah where other kids can't hear well but you need to have another adult in the room. Oh yeah, I guess so,

right? Yeah. That's fucking stupid, but go ahead. Yeah. What about you? No, I mean,

that's all, I mean, I agree. Like it's fucking, it's tough. That sucks. My heart goes out to you to have to do that shit and ruin a kid's life. Cause that's what you're doing.

You know what else he's doing though? He's exposing his balls to these kids and that's not good either. I like guys who could rock shorts like that. My legs are fucking horrible. How about how good I am calling when someone's athletic, when someone's fucking this and that. You didn't really call it with him.

I said six-seat tennis player. The British one was wild. Yeah, I'm great. This one wasn't that good. You said tennis. It was good. You didn't say coach. It's like a number of things you didn't get.

Okay, well. All you did was like say a sport, and then he said a sport. You know? Honestly, my neck hurts so bad when I did that that I thought I was not going to be able to move past that. Not be able to continue the podcast? Well, we're almost done here. Let's do one more.

We'll do one more, yeah. And then you can bitch and moan about your neck. What's going on chris and matt uh love the podcast i will be seeing you chris at the beacon theater in new york motherfucking city chris delete.com and that leads me to my question i am going alone did i ask my friends to come yes did they want to come with me no did i get vip meeting greets to see you after the show? Yes. Did I want to buy my girlfriend another VIP meeting greet to come with me? Absolutely not. So I'm going alone.

I've never done that before. How do you navigate those waters at a comedy show or a concert? Do you sit down in your chair? You look to your left, look to your right. Hey, I'm here by myself. Want to be friends? How do you navigate it? Would appreciate any help

and i will see you february something don't know the exact date peace dude that's hilarious i actually think it's cool to go to anything alone dude i love going to shit alone you know i mean comedy is one of the things you want to experience with somebody if they really want to go to yeah and you're like yeah you know but if you if you're not going to bring somebody like that go alone go along people always comment on like my instagram i see like oh should i go alone i'll be driving from dude it's like such an awesome experience by yourself because you don't get interrupted you're just watching and you get to take it in and you're also with a bunch of people that are like-minded because they all like the same person i love it you're

definitely not the only motherfucker there alone first of all yeah second of all you're right it is a little bit different in comedy you want that person there where you want to like fucking you know like elbow and be like yeah how funny is that but also like movies and shit i oh i mean i i wouldn't say i prefer to go alone but it's just the same like you want to sit and watch a show you're not gonna be talking during the show yeah the only thing is on the way there and on the way back but fuck that yeah if you go alone to yeah you go to alone i would if i liked music i would go to music shows alone because other but that's probably why i don't like music but like to go experience it by myself and i have somebody being like talking while i'm doing while i'm watching movies i would go alone um or you know a magic show this way you can just really

be like wow wow by yourself you know what i mean is that real by myself you should just go in a magic show in any capacity it's kind of fucking depressing i can change your mind about that i can change your mind okay i'll show you some magic tricks that are absolutely magic trick i'll show you some magicians that are absolutely amazing i mean i've seen them i just don't know not these ones man i've seen david fucking blaine yeah but there are certain i've i've had i've eaten with david blaine okay that's iflvester Stallone's house so okay so weird a mad lib next to Al Pacino

I was sitting such a mad lib and David Spade or David Spade David what's his name I don't know David

you just said him Sullivan no the fucking magician oh David Blaine David Blaine was doing card tricks to Al Pacino and Al Pacino was like oh wow

oh oh wow and I was just eating pasta next to him and I was like what is my life that is such a such a mad lib. Holy shit. At Sylvester Stallone's house, and fucking...

Wasn't Arnold there? Yeah. I mean, what the fuck? What were you guys doing? So Guy Fieri made the food. Oh, yeah. What was happening? I don't know, I don't know.

I don't even know. What do you mean? Why were you there? Through Instagram, Sylvester Stallone DM'd me. Oh, my God. He said, do you want to come to my party? Wow. I was like, okay.

A voice note, you know? And I went, and i went uh and i went and fucking i was eating pasta that guy fury made and how good was it it was good just regular good no it's really good well i mean if guy fury didn't make it and i ate i'd be like wow it's really good but because you didn't make it you're kind of not impressed no he did make it i was like okay yeah this is great okay got it it wasn't like you know you didn't have to like it was really good right okay it was really good nothing right home about go to his restaurants oh okay yeah there's nothing yeah 100 okay so what the fuck was the party what was the gathering boxing oh okay that oh my god that makes sense yeah and i went and fucking david blaine was doing you want to pick a card? You want to pick a card?

And I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And I want to pick it. And he did. What did you get? And is this your card? And I was just like, oh, it was. And I was just like, I'll eat it. Oh, my God. The craziest party ever.

Yeah, it was, dude. And dude, and I was watching. And Guy Fieri was in the back going like this. Like how good the food was? I wanted to know how people were doing. No, just like watching the magic trick. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Anyway. All right, cool. So that's what's up did we give him advice i don't remember what it was i don't remember either but we did yeah doesn't matter done with it um i think we gave

him uh what did you want to know what was he talking about magic oh no go to show alone go alone own that shit you're the you're the bomb dude you're the fucking man hell yeah the fucking man dude uh and i'll see you there dude yeah, dude. You're the fucking man, dude. And I'll see you there, dude. And I'll meet you at the meet and greet. That's great. Yeah, dude. Go say what's up to my brother.

I definitely won't be there. You might be there. I mean, you might. You're not here. All right, cool. If you want to leave a, have a question to send in a video, watch lifeline.com. Get the merch here, lifelinemerch.com. And most importantly, if you want a one-on-one advice session with me, M. Diesel, yours truly, go to fucking mattdalia.com, 1.30 to 5.30 Pacific Time, every Tuesday and Thursday. I make myself available to you and go make an appointment on mattdalia.com.

Thank you. You should have done that afterwards. And also, I'll be in Denver coming up. Go get your tickets, ch magilea.com. Thank you. You should have done that afterwards. And also, I'll be in Denver coming up. Go get your tickets, chrislea.com. And I'll also be in Boston and New York and Chicago and Lakeland and fucking all sorts of different places in Jacksonville and Portland and Seattle. It's nuts. Micro Machines, guys.