Lifeline - 36. A Staple in Your Life

Episode Date: December 11, 2022

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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. what we could also do is i could go and do like a city and do stand-up and the night before we do a live show for lifeline in that same night and then the night before we do our lifeline show people ask us shit and we do it in a theater and then the night before, we do our Lifeline show. People ask us shit and we do it in a theater. And then the next night, I just do stand-up. Lifeline live? Yeah, we could do literally a live one.

Live in person? In person, right? Not just virtually like we do, which we are going to do another one soon here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You might like that. And you can make some money.

Yeah, dude. Anyway. Oh, dude. Anyway. Oh, this is back now? Okay. All right. So who do you think has a better outfit on now? Me. I like your outfit.

You like my shirt. Yeah. I don't think you should hold the dog the whole time. I will do. You did that a few episodes ago. I will do what I want to do. I know. Why don't you like it? Because think it it makes you feel constricted and you

don't have higher energy want to bet no guys off the guys are like this whoa whoa strong well we definitely have to bleep that out because it's the first minute of the episode and we'll get demonetized so um oh you need nobody likes you did the baby adam sandler december 11th you guys it's december 11th get your merch at lifelinemerch.com it makes great for holiday season and this is pretty much the last time you can do it uh before and and still get it for christmas yes um so go to lifelinemerch.com, right? That's what it is. And you can also go to watchlifeline.com if you have a question.

You can click the link in the description, watchlifeline.com. And you can also do one-on-one advice sessions with my brother here at mattdalia.com. So we'd be loving it. And then I am also you could also gift tickets i will be uh doing stand-up in san diego no uh january 7th i will be in portland oregon january 20th seattle washington lakeland florida jacksonville sugarland texas new orleans

new york new york kansas city springfield missouri midland texas minneapolis minnesota columbus ohio boise idaho among a bunch of other dates go to chris d'alia go to chrisdalia.com New York, Kansas City, Springfield, Missouri, Midland, Texas, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Columbus, Ohio, Boise, Idaho. Among a bunch of other dates, go to ChrisDelia.com and get those tickets. And welcome to Lifeline, guys. Hey, welcome back to Lifeline, everybody. Welcome back, dude. We really appreciate you guys listening. We just want to be a staple in your household.

You know what I mean? We love having the Sunday podcast. This is your Sunday podcast. You wake up a little later than normal. have some breakfast you make some scrambled eggs and you sip that coffee you just listen to us give advices isn't that right allow us to be a staple in your life okay you will not regret it wow the worst sales pitch of all time allow us to be a staple in your life you will not regret it that's like the regret it i say it like that that's like the the world ended and then it's pre-apocalyptic and then this faction took over

and that's the and they play an image of you on tv saying that and everyone like looks up and watches right right you know under one like suppressive right right and you're and you're the talking piece but it's not even you. It's someone else using an image of you and you already died. Oh. Yep. You died a long time ago. Because I'm a figure of influence.

They wanted to look like me. And it's me behind the scenes because I'm the smart one. Okay. But I'm the one everybody loves. But I'm the one that everyone should love because I'm misunderstood. And the thing is I used you even though I was the one that was the righteous one. And you used me because I'm the voice of the people and the people love me.

Because people are idiots. And then if they were smarter, they'd love me. And I'm misunderstood. Nope. Yep. So, and that's fine. No, Nadir. Nadir.

I mean, no. No, sir-y Nadir. What is Nadir? It's just another way to say no. I mean, Nadir means like a low point, but. It does? I know that. But also. Nadir sounds like an Armenian kid that i would be in high school with nainer hey bro hey

hey hey i'm nadir nice to meet you oh yeah for sure yeah yeah hey hey where you get that shirt dog i like that uh i who did you have in your grade i I had Garo. I had Narbe. Garo? Garo. Uh, fucking Mortal Kombat. Narbe. Narbe. Narbe was sick, dude. Garo always had like so much money on him. I mean, dude.

But no, he was like 14. Yeah, but his- And he had like- That's how his dad showed him love. $3,000, you know? $3,000 in high school? In his pocket. Yeah. I mean, he had banked that guy.

It was probably 40 bucks. You just didn't know what money looked like. No, dude. I knew what money looked like, motherfucker. I was 13. That's how his dad showed him love, you know? Hey, take this. Hey, take this.

I love you. Take this instead of me telling you I love you. I think it's hilarious if that's how fucking the dad was. But Narbe was the shit, though. Narbe was like a legitimately cool guy. I remember Narbe. No, you don't. I do.

You do? Yeah, I remember. You talk about Narbe. I remember. I know Narbe's face. Narbe was sick. He had this. I remember Narbe. No, you don't. I do. You do? Yeah, I remember. You talk about Narbe. I remember. I know Narbe's face. Narbe was sick. He had this, he didn't like to drink, but he didn't like to tell people he didn't drink.

Oh. So he would get alcohol at parties and then just like do the thing where you walk backwards and pour it out behind you. Oh, wow. Really? And then like, yeah. I've done that before. I got so sick and tired of people telling me like that. I'm sure.

Why don't you drink? Why don't you drink? I just hold a beer all fucking night. It was so annoying. Yeah, you and Narbe, peas in a pod. Narbe and Chris, like a children's book. Narbe and Chris. Why are you not drinking, Narbe?

Well, because people make fun of me, so I act like it. Do you know how to spell Narbe? N-A-R-B-A. No. N-A-R-B-E. Accent. N-H. Yeah.

Yeah, Narbe. Yeah. Narbe. So, yeah, I had... Now, those guys were armenian or persian armenian persian is not a thing anymore persia doesn't exist well but that's iran now you're i mean my friend sam is persian no but he means i know i know okay he means something else yeah i mean he knows he means it i'm not saying he doesn't know what he's talking about so what's the movie prince of Persia then?

Jake Gyllenhaal's on Persia. Persia used to be a thing and Persia is something that people from that area, if they have like a deep love of where they're from. Which I do, which I do. Like originally,

they say they're Persian, yeah. So Jake Gyllenhaal, that was whitewashing. They would never cast him now for Prince of Persia, right? I mean, 100% completely. In fact, I can't believe he hasn't been canceled after the fact.

Definitely it would be. I've thought about this exact thing more than once. About Prince of Persia? Yeah. And it's amazing that that still stands. Because that really wasn't that long ago. No, it wasn't. It was like eight years ago, maybe.

Dude, I was with my tour manager, and somebody was trying to reference Jake Gyllenhaal. And they said, have you ever seen that movie? And it was a movie Jake Gyllenhaal was in. And my tour manager goes like this. He says, oh, yeah, it's with that fucking guy from Prince of Persia. And I was like, that's the fucking... Jake Gyllenhaal's like... Yeah, but...

Is it Spider-Man Go Home or whatever the fuck it's called? Yeah, I guess now, yeah. But yeah, truly, yeah. That's weird. Yeah, so... But yeah, Sam Shikoloslami and his brother were the two, I mean, Persians that I fucking. Well, that's his brother. Salar was the one in my grade.

Yeah. And then love those dudes. They're down for whatever. Sam's down for whatever, dude. If I had to kill someone, Sam would be like, hey, don't do it. I'll do it. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't see or talk to Salar anymore, but Sam is great. Well, that's because when I have a homie, that shit runs deep, dude. My homies run deep, and I do not stop chilling with the homies. That's true. You hang out with the weirdest people, and you never stop hanging out with those weird people. I never do. Dude, if somebody's a homie, they're a homie with me. You understand?

How do they prove their homiedom? Time. Oh, that's it? Time it time time and do you you know what i mean like i i basically i feel like friendships are fucked up nowadays you know it's all for show it's all fake especially with the internet and like i've been in hollywood and obviously i've been fucking thrown under the bus and backstabbed and shit. But like the motherfuckers that stuck with me, dude, homies for life. Well, yeah. Because people surprise you in both ways in your life. You can't just be, you know, people backstab people and everyone's been backstabbed and everyone's been betrayed.

But people also surprise you the other way too. Yes. And you don't think about that if you dwell on the negative. Yeah. But, you know, homies for life. If you're my hom on the negative yeah but uh the you know homies for life if you're if you're my homie dude yeah that's like i'm you know i hate to say this dude because people often say this and they don't mean it bro but bro i'm built different okay he's unorthodox right but you just said i don't like to say this even though you've been talking

about it for 90 seconds straight i'm built different different, right? When it comes to, I'm old school, dude. When it comes to friendships and homies, I'm old school. When it comes to friendships and homies, he's unorthodox. When it comes to

friendships and homies, what you see is what you get, dude. If I tell you I'm there, I'm there. Right? Yeah. I'm too loud? No, no.

I'm just like, I'm loud though. You're very loud. You're heating up. Yeah. And it's but but that's annoying right no i had to have something to do while you were talking about yourself for so long so do you think i'm built different in that way yeah you you are yeah do you think that

i'm more than i'm unorthodox in that way i'm so insecure uh no i think that's a way that a lot of people are not enough but it's a good thing to be and it's a way that a good amount of people are i guess it is dwindlingly rare right for people to be that way yeah but they go like this when they i hear people talking about me i'm walking by some he is an orthodox oh that does not happen but he is with friendships that does not happen okay i he is with Friendships. That does not happen. Okay, I did it. I was walking down the street and somebody goes, I literally heard, built different. So you heard none of the other words? Friendships, unorthodox.

None of the other words? No, I didn't hear the other words. But then he goes, built different. Friendships, unorthodox. Wow, I mean that's pretty crazy. And I go, guys, stop talking about me. And they go, no, no dude i just know that when your homies your homies it's thick as fucking thick as blood so everyone knows it about you

i mean yeah okay okay great great cool okay okay great so what would it be okay uh welcome lifeline we've been here now and we're ready to go yep i got my and i got my dmx shirt so now we're ready to go he has his dmx shirt on i got my fucking lenciaga shit on and we're ready to go. Yep. And I got my DMX shirt on. So now we're ready to go. He has his DMX shirt on. I got my fucking Lenciaga shit on and we're ready to go. Stop. So out of breath. Drop.

Shut them down. Open up shop. Good part. Oh. Whoa out of breath. Drop. Shut them down. Open up shop. Good part. Oh. Whoa. Good part. Said I'm not right as roll. Okay.

You're so out of breath right now and you're good? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to do all those notes at once. Don't burn yourself out in the first 10 minutes of the show. You're right. All right. Cool. Let's do it.

All right. Let's go. Hey, Chris. Hey, Matt. What's up?. All right. Let's go. Hey, Chris. Hey, Matt. What's up? Big fan. Me and my husband are super huge fans.

Nice. Cool. We actually bonded over listening to Congratulations at the beginning of our relationship. Being how they come

point, being how they come point. Shout out to you, Chris. I just love that. So our dilemma that we have, we have a rescue dog. His name is Cooper. Cute.

And we've had him for a little over a year now and he actually just bit me for the second time the other day and to the point where it drew blood and i have had to go to the doctor to get on antibiotics so that i don't get an infection from it so my question is do we keep Cooper and I just steer clear of him and let my husband do all the care for him and cuddling and love? No. Or do we try and give him to somebody else? Let us know what you think. And have them kill them.

Dude, I think, honestly, it's crazy how often we do stuff in this episode and then the first thing is exactly what we're talking about. I was talking about DMX and this lady's calling about her dogs that bite. Do I get credit for that? Yeah. Like a... Yeah, I'm like a pre-cod. You're like a seer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, honestly, you got to give the dog up. That's crazy. The dog drew blood. You're going to have kids? You can't have the dog around, period. I know you have a little bit of... Did they say they're having kids? No, no, no no but i'm saying if that is in the future definitely

right you gotta get rid of the dog i mean there's no i wonder what i think what she's implied is that she the dog has not bitten her husband i don't know but she bit her twice i know i'm just wondering why that might be like why it's only biting her. Because she's not the alpha? I don't know. Maybe. It certainly could be that. Yeah. But that's weird. I mean, I'm just imagining her like holding him upside down and not realizing it's a bad idea or something. Well, yeah. I mean, she shouldn't seem like an idiot, but I mean like- She doesn't, yeah.

She seems like just- If you can rehouse it in a way that you think is better for the dog and also better for the owners, aka they don't get bit by the dog, then yeah, sure. But I really don't believe in giving dogs back in general. Right. You get the dog you get. Giving it to someone else that you know and trust is a different thing. Right. Because you're not like throwing it back into the pool of any crazy fuck can take it.

Well, I think she was saying she said give it to someone else. Right, so I'm just saying if you're going to give it to someone else that you know and trust is going to be a good dog owner, then yeah, do it.

And then get a dog that's more docile and gentle and better for your specific home. What's this? What am I looking at? The fuck is this? Why do you bring up Brandon McMillan? Oh, you can do a dog training thing.

Yeah. Those dogs are beautiful. Look at that black dog. Beautiful, right? Yeah, that's interesting. I have a dog named Cooper and he couldn't be more docile. Maybe they could meet somewhere in the middle

and be good dogs together. Yeah, I don't know what you do in that situation. I mean, look, you said husband. If you're planning to have kids, you got to get rid of the dog, period. Like you can't have a dog that bites people around your kid. That's a fucking tragic accident.

Yeah, even if it's trained, you never know. Like what a baby can fucking really upset a dog real quick. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know? But yeah, that's a tough spot to be in. Definitely try and get it trained. You can try and do that. Try to get the dog trained, you know? I know it's money, but..., that's a tough spot to be in. Uh, get it. You definitely try and get it trained. You can try and do that.

Try to get the dog trained, you know? Yeah. I know it's money, but. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would say do, do all the things that you could do to try to keep it. You obviously love the dog. It sounds like, uh, and are trying to come up with a version of the future where like

it only cuddles and lets your husband pet it. That's not a viable situation. It's not good. You got to have a dog that is compatible with every person in the house right uh so try to get it trained do all the things you can do and if it doesn't work yes rehome the dog but don't just put it back to the shelter or wherever you got it from give it to somebody you you know and why is that because it's a responsibility once you've fucking taken a dog i'm not disagreeing with it you don't just have givebacks right right i mean they do that for like you know shirts that don't fit but okay

yeah but these are living fucking creatures that you ostensibly love or robots that the government is implementing pretending that they're living creatures just trying to track every move but yeah no those are just birds those are only the birds that the government does that with. Okay. But yeah. Yeah. All right. So there you have it.

Be responsible. That's all. Yep. Let's go. Here we go. Yo, what's up, Chris and Matt? I need some advice on some stuff. Harry's killing it.

I'm just working on making some content, creating a couple of lightsabers. It's a dorky. Okay. But I guess what I'm trying to ask today is my girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago. And we're still hanging out. The reason she broke up with me is because she wanted to kind of work on herself and make herself a little bit better because she's not treating me super well. I mean, she was not really treating me super great, but I'm happy and I was always happy with her.

But she broke up with me, but we're still hanging out. So I mean, I want more from this, but she just doesn't want to put a label on it. Should I put an ultimatum on it? Should I try to talk it out a little bit more with her? How many robots are going on in the background? Because she just doesn't seem super receptive to the idea of getting back together. You hear it? But she does want to still hang out and be around me because she says I'm her favorite person and that she loves me still.

So anyways, could do well with advice. I mean, I'd need it. So thanks, guys. Love the podcast. Just sharpening 900 pencils behind him. if you if if you are her favorite person and she loves you then why the fucking hell isn't she being your girlfriend here we go what's happening what is happening she's lying so what what's the truth then? I mean...

She wants someone else. So what is she doing in the meantime, still hanging out with him? Right. Cheating. Oh, wow, really? Well, yeah, dude. She doesn't want to be with him dude if she doesn't treat him right if she's feeling guilty about all the shit you know i mean i didn't mean to fucking then she should just a mortar on it and she should just let it go though yeah i know but she he look at how malleable he is you know yeah he's just he's like look i'm happy though i'm happy he's making lightsabers for fuck's sake. He's easygoing in too many directions.

Yeah, dude. You got to get rid of this chick, right? Yeah. It sounds like she is saying shit, but her actions aren't aligning it. I think you just need to say and not worry about... Don't worry about having the parachute

on the way out of the plane because sometimes you just got to go with the fucking risk, but you got to say, hey, if that's true if i'm your favorite person you don't like hanging out with anybody else as much as me and you love me yeah like what are you doing yeah date me let's be my girlfriend date me let's do it horizontally and intertwine our hearts because you are just trying to work on your it's the whole thing it's

like that's what you say it's like it, it's not you, it's me. It's like, that's what she's given him, man. It's... And... But then still hanging out. I get that if it's like... And I'm joking about the cheating thing. I don't know if she's cheating,

but she definitely... If she doesn't... Dude, when people want to be with you, they just say, no, I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I don't want to not be with you. If she fucked up, she's like, I fucked up, I'm sorry,

but I want to be with you. Yes. And she's like i fucked up i'm sorry but i want to be with you yes and she's not saying that it's one thing to it's one thing to not treat someone right and it's another thing to not want to be with them right like you need to like she she's doing both of those she's not treating them right and she's not saying she wants to be with them so those are two things that you got to be like, well, I guess I'm making more lightsabers. Because I'm going to have some time on my hands. Because what you going to do then?

Just come to him for some horizontal mambo shit? What do you think you should do though? Sincerely? Make more lightsabers. Become a fucking businessman. Work on yourself. She can work on herself. You work on yourself tenfold.

What should he do about her? Not like what she did with his life. What's that? He's just saying bye? Waving bye? He's on a boat, dude. So your suggestion to him is just nix her.

Yeah. Okay. But otherwise, you're going to be stringing along. You're going to be making some lightsabers. Bro, become a businessman. Make multiple lightsabers.

Create content. Make the content your life, dude. Because right now, I can tell, dude, she's just stringing you along and you're like okay i don't know uh you know i'm happy but you're happy bro because you're passive okay okay but i would say instead of just cutting the cord outright go into a conversation right yes say all the things that i was saying before but be ready for her to give some bullshit excuse and then say, buh-bye.

Totally agree. Buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye, booyah, booyah, and booyah. Imagine if he did that, he would be my hero. But yeah, I agree with Matt, and then be prepared, and then do what I did. A hundred percent, yes.

So we got a one-two D'Elia punch. We got a one-two punch. We got what Matt said and then what I said to send it off. And what I said is not less important because it's second. It's kind of more like the rounding home kind of thing. So it's even more important. No, I would say it's like what I'm supplying is like 60% to 70% of what's important. You got the tail end 20, you know, 30, 5.

No, I think it's 60 to 70. We could say you did 60% to 70%, but then I did 100%. So it's like, in essence, all of it is 170%. That's not how math works. I know. But like I said, he's unorthodox, and that's why they say that. You defy math? Yeah, I defy math.

I'm like, unorthodox. Okay. Microchip guy. Microchip guy. Okay. Another one. Another one. Blind.

Hey, Matt and Chris. I am anonymous here in Connecticut. And I had a question for you. In conversation, when I'm talking to my friends. What is this world, you know? Co-workers, people at church, and they share devastating news, bad news. And I respond in empathy saying, I'm sorry. They sometimes respond, oh, it's not your fault. And I know it's not my fault, but I'm just trying to be nice and show

empathy. And I feel like they're the idiot, but am I the idiot? And what should I say if I keep hearing that response from people because it boils my blood? I love you guys. I watch your historical documents all the time, a.k.a. your older podcasts. Nice. And absolutely love you. All right. Thanks.

Bye. Okay, dude. This is what you do. Hey, say something. My dog died or whatever. Say my cat died. My cat died. cat died i'm sorry so it's not your fault yes it is and then stab do the that that's a great uh thing to end the

tension right but really though but yes it is what do you do though for real it's a it's not it's not your fault yeah that is a weird fucking thing for people to say. Also, how many people have devastating news around you at church? I mean, that's the place to go with devastating news. True, yeah. What the fuck, though? How many people are... That's what I'm saying. Yeah, how many people are...

It is a thing people say, but how often are you saying it and having that response? Maybe she's the person. She has that face that people go to for like oh man you know right but then i'm sorry is such a universally understood thing it's like it's empathizing this is what you're supposed to say that you're not like apologizing oh my cat died oh i'm sorry yeah me too yeah yeah it sucks but also also you know what all you have to do all you have to do to the anonymous woman here,

all she has to do is say, I'm sorry to hear that. Oh, that blocks it. Yeah. Sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear that. You can try to jump on you. I'm sorry to hear that. You've destabilized the plans.

Oh, that's good advice. You killed it right there, and that blocks it immediately. You block that shit. That's like, what advice you killed it right there and that blocks it yeah immediately you block that shit that's like what do you call it um the um what do you call those things that you take anti uh what do you call those fucking things what do they do what yeah beta blockers yeah that's it dude yeah and anti you know i just created a beta blocker of the of the conversation beta blocker of the heart beta blocker of the mind beta blocker of the combo beta blocker of the conversation is what it is oh okay okay well i said what i said but yeah i mean i pretty much said beta blocker of the combo but yeah i am what i am okay people often say uh

annoying shit like that though and that's just life my baby and you got to fucking trudge through the the the you know the mire the what the muck and the mire yeah what's mire uh randy myers the pitcher wow i don't know is that what that meant oh all right i know oh you know i know it doesn't mean the muck and the randy myers oh you know everything huh no but anyway uh boggy ground it means see boggy ground and i knew that wade bogsy all right wow so such a baseball nut. All right, what's up, guys? His dick took it.

I got a funny one for you. So I've been messing around with this girl for the past couple of weeks. Now there's a camera on my dick. Started with her one night after we went to the bars after school. Went back to her place. She was with her boyfriend that night, too. Oh. But he was in her room, and I was kind of on the couch with her.

Oh, boy. So the catch is that she does have a boyfriend. He knows me. I know him, but we're not friends like that. I think she likes me more than I thought. So ever since that night, we've been hanging out kind of on the low, pretty much doing everything when it comes to hooking up. She's asked me to hold it while I even pee.

So pretty bizarre. We've done the horizontal mamba a couple of times, but she started crying after and stopped it short because she claims she feel guilty. So she claims she isn't cheating and her boyfriend doesn't treat her right, but she keeps going back to him, even though she will talk to me as well. So it's, it's calmed down a bit, but the question I have for you guys is do I keep talking to her or do I

kind of just leave her alone and let the situation play out? Oh, this is a nightmare, dude. This is a dude. Yeah. is do i keep talking to her or do i kind of just leave her alone and let the situation play out oh this is a nightmare dude this is a dude yeah bring up the conversation and tell her you're not gonna see her anymore when she's holding your penis while you're peeing be like also what do you do with your hands if she's you never had someone hold your pee while you're peeing or your penis yeah yeah i've had that yeah yeah um so the comes out, you know? My agent used to do it. I, you know, because in there. No, but yeah, I think that that's absolutely, I mean, this is a fucking Travis.

This is a debacle right here. What's he doing? Yeah. You know what he's doing? You know what he's doing? He's making trouble. No, you know what he's doing? Being a guy.

He's being a young guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dumb, dumb. But it's bad. You know it's bad. That's why you know what he's doing he's making trouble no you know what he's doing being a guy he's being a young guy yeah yeah yeah dumb dumb but uh it's bad you know it's bad that's why you're called in right but uh it's uh man you gotta also you know the guy you went in his house and you did it with her yeah and he was sleeping in the room what are you doing dude this is your you know what dude you're gonna end up dead that's what this is yeah no that you're gonna end up dead so she and then he's gonna do it yeah definitely i mean this is absolutely insane i don't know i know guys get in situations like this where it's just like yeah man but it just you know it felt too good. Had to, had to, look, I get it. Yeah, he is going to get killed.

You're right. This is the kinds of things people kill people over. Oh, yeah. The two things that people kill people over are love and money. Yes. And this is about fucking love, dude. Well, when men get like their ego bruised is when they kill people. Oh, dude, when you get your ego bruised over love, forget it, dude.

Not us. Don't say you. No, not you. You said you. they kill people oh dude when you get your ego bruised over love forget it dude not us don't say you no not you you said you you the proverbial you no not it's it's not that common i'm saying there are certain motherfuckers though yeah that haul off okay and can't control their shit and they fucking kill you and it sounds like this guy is one of those guys he's gonna kill you dude yeah i mean you're gonna have a fun a fucking gun talking to you dude i mean this is just ridiculous dude yeah you're you're gonna how about this dude you're gonna die yeah all right so you should call it off yeah call it off bro also you did the horizontal mambo right also anytime you're doing a horizontal mambo with somebody and then they start crying

that's that's the last time yeah you can't be doing that that's the last time dude it's not a good sign under any circumstance that is not a good it's like you're doing fucking i'll see you later forever. Yep. We're walking out. It's been fun. High five the guy on the way out. The boyfriend?

Yep. Sorry, bro. I didn't even really know you like that. Yeah. What does he mean by that? Yeah, I know. I don't really know him like that. He's kind of my friend, but I don't really know him like that he's kind of my friend but i don't really know him like that okay what i mean is i don't really

know him like that what i mean by that is um i know him but not well enough to not fuck his girl in his house i'm the worst guy uh i don't know He hasn't given any reason to not end it. He's not like, I really like her. Apparently, she's just around. Yeah, he's just doing a horizontal mamba, bro. So then if that's all it is, absolutely stop it. If you really love her, though, and you want to be with her, now, look, still, you're going to end up dead,

but try to fucking be like, look, I want to be with you. You're going to end up dead anyway, to fucking you know be like look i want to be with you yes gonna end up dead anyway yeah but you know at least go out with love right well what you could also say if you really do like her say this boyfriend you obviously not not that into him yeah why don't you break up with him and we can date yeah instead of cheating on him why don't you be with me and cheat on me because that's gonna happen no well maybe she's into him maybe she is but she obviously is feeling well she's conflicted you need to get it right with her you need to talk

with her and say what's going on yes if you don't want to do that then it's within your right to just bounce bro i mean she's the one with the boyfriend yes you don't really owe her anything yes and i you know i mean if you want to be a good guy you maybe say like look i can't do this anymore but bro look i've seen you i can tell your energy and you're not gonna do that you're not a good guy yeah um yeah dude i mean if you want to change and become a good guy then these things are on the table right we know that you're not a good guy so it's in your best interest just to simply end it yeah with her and either way let me just be totally frank either way your life's gonna end very soon you're gonna be you're gonna be killed yeah either way dude you're gonna have guns

talking to you yeah yeah i mean they're just gonna fucking yeah pick pick those fucking you know those ones with just a pick pick here's what you're all gonna be having a conversation if you love your friends and families stay away from them yeah because they might catch a stray bullet yeah dude yeah they didn't want to have a conversation with some fucking weapons no right but all of a sudden they're innocent your love triangle yeah your family's gonna have a conversation with some weapons yeah right they didn't want that right that's why they don't want the gat to talk to him that's why he should respect them and stay far away how am i talking to something that's four pounds right yeah right because because the only thing that's four pounds is a baby and they don't understand english and

how to speak it oh look a glock is four pounds too pat right in his face okay do you understand what i'm saying i mean i do yeah i'm hanging on by a thread understanding. Because this guy is basically making the other guy think an obsessive thought, which is, I really don't want to have to fucking pull out something from my draw that weighs four pounds. Why are you getting hung up on the weight of the thing? It's just a fucking nice way to talk about a gun. Okay. Dude.

Are guns four pounds? There's a four pound burner you know what i mean oh okay i don't know you sound like you don't know but i have no idea okay but it you know if it was four pounds it's hilarious and i'm very funny if that is true what's a four pound gun oh millspin beef jones is what he googles 24 ounces three eight five point eight Oh, word up. Oh, okay. So then, how heavy is a Glock 19?

Go ahead, right there. The first. Glock 19, right there. Fully loaded Glock 19. Almost two pounds. Oh, fuck. Two pounds? That doesn't sound cool.

That doesn't sound right at all. What gun is four pounds? Just do that. Wow. I want it to fit in my shit. It needs to be right, you know? Desert Eagles, four pounds? Okay. So so i was talking about the candidate denouver dude i i said google something and he didn't do it dude yeah he did oh it is oh yeah that desert eagle bro you don't want that fucking you don't want that dry bird coming at you right speak in your language well you don't want that fucking you know you're yelling

just fucking and and it's fucking i know you like this part oh and then that fucking dry bird just coming up right behind you speaking to you dude you don't want that right no no nobody wants a massive dry bird behind them speaking to them oh man i love this so much and i love you dude and this is so great but i sure hope i i sure i sure hope that no fucking four pound dry bird is behind. Pop! Brian, famous last words. The four-pound dry bird. Yeah.

All right. The four-pound dry bird. That'll be the episode name. The four-pound dry bird. All right. Next one. Hi, Matt. Hi, Curtis.

Curtis. Lauren from Kentucky. Hell yeah. Forgot yeah um forgot who i have a problem fully forgot who she is so my fiance and i bought a cutting board oh boy from home goods love this one so far yeah um around halloween so it has a design of a Ouija board. What? Why? So. I mean, what a sucker. We go to Florida for Halloween Horror Nights. And my mother is watching our kids at our house. Oh no.

So I get ridiculous amount of messages about how terrible this Ouija board cutting board is. Wow. And how she threw it out. Oh, my God. And she broke it. And she doesn't want to be in our house. What? Because that's satanic. I knew it.

I knew it. All that good stuff. I knew it more than you. But you're not a detective for that. But I knew all that good stuff. I knew it more than you. You're not a detective for that. I finally got irritated and told her to leave and got somebody else to watch my kids. Oh my god.

Because obviously she wasn't comfortable in my house. So now the family is on me because I told my mother to leave and how dare I kick my mother out.

Wow, they agree with her? That's so crazy. Kentucky. It's a Halloween decoration and it doesn't mean that much to me and I don't care to get rid of the ouija board this is the best cutting board um but she's just talking to herself now yeah at this

time tom that's silly i thought forgot she was doing video and thought she was talking on facetime with her husband right with her fiance how nobody else realizes how silly that is okay so dude should i throw it out uh dude you know definitely do not throw it out hang it up dude put it on the front door hang it up make it the bottom of the part you knock on yeah you know and then when the mother comes but when your mother comes by he says what the hell why is this here it goes like this oh my god i didn't put that there yeah that's so good yeah and you when you were having a conversation with her, and she was like, I got to leave. I can't believe you have a satanic thing. She should have been like, Mom, it's fine.

It was just a decoration from Halloween. I am Dekar from the underworld. Dude, that would have been unbelievable. Yeah. And she would have ran. She would have believed it for sure. Oh, yeah, dude. If she believed that, she'll believe that.

Also, what did she? So terrible, the grandma dude left the kid high and dry for the fucking satan to come get him i don't understand dude that is how fucking stupid you could be how like taken with just the dumbest ideology you can this woman's obviously in her 60s. Yeah. At the youngest. At the youngest. This motherfucker needs to know better.

You can't be that crazy anymore, people. Come on. That's how she grew up. That's how she grew up. But she's 60 now. She has no excuse. Well, but I'm saying that it was indoctrinated in her head that that's what it was. Dude, some people think that fucking Halloween is legitimately a time where people get their souls stolen you know wow and that just doesn't free bar

yeah i mean people are fucking crazy the thing is never get rid of it now they've done something where you can't get rid of it you need to on principle i guess i mean it's or she seems actually this this lady seems so chill that she's just like if i just get rid of it i won't have the headache and i i get that dude i get that like it doesn't it's annoying it seems like your stress level you're dealing with this pretty well i think like you're just like pretty blase about it probably it probably is a bigger issue than you're making it out to me i know what to do what i know what to do. Throw it away. But anonymously send all different kind of Ouija board shit to your mom's house. I think that's a great idea.

Like in the mail. Yep. And also like because you're going to be there sometimes, you can like leave stuff under the couch. Yep. Where it's poking out a little bit. She finds it. Yep.

And you can scare the fucking shit out of her because you can and because she's fucking crazy and because she's stupid and because she deserves it she just she just people yeah you need to start having more fun with life yeah dude you know it's annoying deserves flip it on its head dude yeah this is the spin move mentality that we talk about just spin it on its ass yeah right yeah dude i mean just honestly throw the ouija board away and do not speak of this no um hurting your neck hurting your neck i think it's pretty wild man that people believe in that shit i mean you know like people like like toast will pop up and they're like oh the virgin mary

is burned in it yep this this whole house is religious we need to make it a church the whole house is religious like it's just absolutely insane like it's fine to believe in religion i don't give a fuck dude and you know like who am i to say there's no god i have no fucking idea like i don't know either way sure but like to be that cock sure about it about that about that is absolutely bought it from fucking home goods yeah well that you know demonic entities on yeah sure yeah home goods wow wow home goods. Home goods. Yeah. What do you think about that? I think that the moment you have a child,

you love going to home goods. The moment you possess a single child, you instantly love to shop at home goods. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, Kristen loved home goods no matter what, but now that Calvin's around. Really?

It's home goods central. She's the mayor of home goods. That's really she's it's home good central she's the mayor of home goods the thing home goods dude she's the mayor of home goods and the fucking and the and the governor of target oh i mean just she's got into politics huh yep i didn't know that i will increase tchotchke spending by 100%. If elected governor of Target, this is Kristen, I will increase ceramic angel spending, ceramic angels, and also really anything you could really want because Target has everything. I will increase spending,

tchotchke spending 100%. Yeah, she doesn't sound anything like that. What is that? You know, I don't know. I just picked an accent. It's like your QVC voice. Yeah, it was. I was in the middle and I tried to back off it.

Yeah, well, it's too late. He's got tricks in his bag and he's getting exposed. All right, cool. Well, we could do another one. He's getting exposed. What's up, Chris and Matt? What's up? Chris, huge fan.

Saw you in Atlanta. Don't know what dates you're putting out there now, but guys, go see him. He was hilarious. Oh, thanks. And thanks for introducing me to Matt as well.

Oh, yeah. So, guys, I need advice on something. Oh, boy. I am somebody that really struggles with discipline, like self-discipline.

I just, if I don't want to do something i have a really hard time doing it even if i know i need to i've just i don't do it and i will and if i do i complain the entire time yeah um and i know it's something that i really need to change and get better at so what's your advice for how to like be more self-disciplined and, you know, get shit done? Do I need to like run a marathon or something?

Any advice would be appreciated. Love you guys. Thanks. Weird advice for yourself. Yeah, I mean, I hate doing shit. I'll run a marathon. Only if running a marathon

is one of those things that you've been avoiding forever that you need to do. You said you'd suffer from it too? Dude, you're disciplined. But here's the thing. Here's how i stopped being like that the the i was like that oh but i realized once i started actually taking care of shit the amount that the of anxiety that was nagging at me to do that shit was way worse than the experience of doing

any of the things that i was anxious about putting off. So it's like doing it, you're saving yourself from anxiety. So once you realize that, doing the thing becomes a better option than the alternative. And the more you get into the habit of that, the more true it becomes. Okay. So I hear what you're saying, and I understand what you're saying, and you think ahead, and that's great. But how about this, dude? What about somebody who says this to that, but I don't want to? And say, okay.

But then she's stuck still. Well, that's her fucking problem, isn't it? It's tough to be disciplined, man. Sometimes I imagine I go like this fuck i got it i got a workout right i don't want to but in my head if i want to and i know i'm gonna do it it's practically already done because time is irrelevant and i know that it's gonna be done so it's practically done if i know i'm gonna do do it, that's like 50% of the whole thing. So do you end up doing it?

Yeah, then I'll end up doing it. Okay, then yeah. I know it's done because I already decided to do it. It's practically tomorrow. And how do you think this applies to her? Because, you know, if you have to do shit, she's disciplined, whatever. Say she's a writer and she's got to write a manuscript or some shit. She thinks, I got to write three pages today. I have to do that by's disciplined whatever say she's a whatever a writer and she's got to write a manuscript or some shit she thinks i gotta write three pages today i have to do that by 8 p.m

i already did it basically because i already chose to do it that's interesting yeah i do that sometimes and it works man so then what is the thing that gets you to actually do it is it the fact that you have you can't you can't let a thing not happen that you've already decided has happened yeah you make decisions in life and if you've made the decision it's already done you're not deciding maybe i'll do that you've decided i'm going to do that that's going to be done today so So therefore it's done. Because I made the decision. Right. And so the fear of going back on that.

It lessens. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It actually works. It's a fucking weird thing. And I'm basically a life coach. That's one of the smarter things I've ever heard you say.

You don't say a lot of smart things. I do. I do. And that's the crazy thing about it is. And you realize that. No, I don't. And no, I don't think that. I've decided that you realize that. and so basically it's already done uh no i think that's in any way that's good that's

good advice too so both equally good advices that we gave yeah so i i wish i knew what your whole thing is you were struggling with or what your discipline you know maybe it's chores maybe it's doing the dishes right but i fucking did this last night my sense is it's like going to come out but it's fine it's okay we'll issue you we'll issue you an oops but it's fine it's like going my sense is like it's going to the doctor going to the dentist shit like that but i could be wrong actually i did it going back on what i said before you really interrupt me but like before i fucking threw out an oops right please do um is it it basically i did it with the dishes last night. I knew I had to do it and I thought, I don't want to do it

because who the fuck wants to do the dishes, right? And I thought, you know what? When I go to bed, the bitches, the bitches. The bitches. When I go to bed,

them bitches. When I go to bed, the dishes will be done. Therefore, they're done. I've decided. And I did it and I did it

and it was a lot easier because I knew it was going to be done as I was doing it. He plays tricks on his own mind. I like done as I was doing it. He plays tricks on his own mind. No, it's... He plays tricks on his own mind.

We got to. Once we realize how faulty our own brains are, we got to play tricks on them to make sure it works. Mama's playing tricks on me. Dude, this podcast is a musical.

Dude, Mama's playing tricks on me, not the gangster version, the fucking Cleaning Dishes version. Oh. You know that song? No. version Oh You know that song? No

You don't know that song? No Mama's playing tricks on me Yeah I know that song So then you lied But you said playing Something about doing dishes It's obviously

They don't talk about Doing dishes Okay well then I don't know it This year Halloween Came on a weekend Or whatever the fuck That song is one of the greatest Hip hop songs of all time

Yeah that song is great Is there two though? There's one The regular one of the greatest hip hop songs of all time. Yeah, that song is great. Is there two though? There's one, the regular one and the other one is about doing dishes. Dishwashing one. No, the one I was making that up now as a joke. So there's only one. There's one. And then I guess you could argue that I created a new one right now.

Okay. Until the beginning of this show, there was only one version of the song. Yeah, there's pretty much only one. I mean, you can't Google. You can only Google one. But at this point after this episode. Yeah, there's pretty much only one. I mean, you can't Google, you can only Google one. But at this point, after this song, after this episode comes out,

maybe somebody will make a remix about the Doing Dishes one. Right. But I made that up. And I want the credit. Right, you should get at least 15% of it. I'm the writer of it. I'm not the fucking,

I didn't make the music of it, but I'm the writer of it. Right, right, right. But that song is awesome. Have you seen the music video? That song's great. Maybe forever ago. Yeah.

He's punching on the dude and then he realizes he's just punching on the concrete. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Dude. Wow.

Rimp. Rimp. You know? Rimp. So sexy the way you're doing it. I fucking fight being so sexy, but- You what?

It almost makes me more sexy. Oh, I see. Like, ask me if I'm sexy. Are you sexy? No. And you're saying that makes you more sexy. That's sexy the way I did it, yeah. All right. All right I'm sexy. Are you sexy? No. And you're saying that makes you more sexy. Oh.

All right. So let's do another one? Sure. What's up, Matt and Chris? Oh, didn't know we were one of the property brothers. A huge fan of the show. Chris has been a big fan of you for a long time. And we're just going to fix up this car.

I love your comedy. Thank you, man. And also congrats on your cute kid, Calvin. He's amazing. Thank you, man. I've got two myself. Just found out wife's pregnant with a third. Yes, dude.

Yes. But this kind of brings me to my question and my advices that I need. So I've been working for, I'm an accountant. I'm a CPA working for my uncle-in-law for seven years. Told him I want to do my own thing. He wants me to pay for clients that he was just going to give away for free. And I don't agree with that, but I don't want to burn any bridges. I want to do what's best. What does that mean? Now I'm pissed you paused it. What does that mean? Pay for clients that he was going to get for free um and i don't agree with that but i don't want to burn any bridges i want to do what's

best what does that mean now i'm pissed you paused it what does that mean pay for clients that he was going to get for free what does that mean like he was going to turn clients away who was the his uncle-in-law and he was going to just do that because he couldn't fit him in yeah and now he wants a cut of it for sending those clients to him. Or they were clients of the uncle-in-laws and he was maybe managing them. And now he wants to break off and do his own thing and take those clients with him. And the uncle wants to... Wants a cut of it.

He wants either a cut of it or just pay him a fee for taking those clients. Well, that would make more sense. Which is not atypical. It's just kind of... Yeah, that would make more sense. It's not atypical? It's not atypical for that to happen no that's normal what i'm saying would not be normal how do you know that's normal you know shit about this yeah in client services or like any sort of agencies that do this like do they yes yeah okay i don't know that yeah okay you're being so hostile you know i have no nothing about but well the answer is yes we keep

saying yes but but you're not a lawyer and shit and you're not so hostile, you know? I know nothing about... Well, the answer is yes. We keep saying yes. But you're not a lawyer and shit. And you're not like a... No, but I'm also not a fucking evolutionary biologist. I can tell you about fucking... So we come from monkeys? Yeah. Why they're still monkeys. Okay.

Solid. Anyway... For me and my family. And do it respectfully. But part of me is like, I've had seven years of shoveling shit shit and i'm kind of tired of it yeah do i just go in there give them the spin move and say taking these clients with me didn't sign any non-compete best of luck or do i try to approach him and say hey i don't agree with with paying you for these and here's why either way i would appreciate whatever you guys got thank you so much and love the podcast

peace so he was right about what it is and I think the latter is the one he should do go in and ask him about it and talk to him yeah and if he gives you any kind of hostility

or pushback just drop the hammer because if you got the hammer in your back pocket why you waste it up front except well i'll tell you why okay because you you know it's better to you could argue that it's better to appear firm in your beliefs and strong and be like yo i'm not doing this period and then because because here's the thing there's wiggle room the other way is all and i'm not saying that this is the right thing to do those are the two options that you you should definitely explore but if you if you go in and you say hey so here's why i think this and that

then that guy well this and that and this and that and then you might work out to something that isn't you might have to compromise but if you go in and you say hey listen i didn't sign anything it's been seven years of me working for this i want to go off on my own these clients are more comfortable with me you weren't going to use them anyway so i'm going to take them and i don't feel like i owe you anything and that's just how it's going to be it you know do you know what i'm saying and you don't let him get a word in about it well he could say whatever he wants but this is what's happening right i mean he can just do that right yeah if he didn't sign a non-compete right it's just

then then yeah it's weird for family to do that like i mean it's somebody who you're you know yeah family's different all across the world but i i i would never do that too like if you were gonna be like okay just take him yeah that is very strange maybe he should drop the hammer up front yeah i've I've been convinced, yeah. It is kind of weird that the family, that, you know, it is his uncle-in-law, so who knows how real close they are,

like family-wise. I never even heard of uncle-in-law. No, uncle-in-law is like Vinny to Kristen. No, I know what it is. Oh, okay. But it's just, I've never heard it. I would just say uncle or guy I know. Or uncle-in-law.

Maybe he's testing him. Yeah, that's what I thought. Right, which is another thing, because then it's like you gain respect. Yeah. To be like, dude. Do what he said. Yeah, you I know. Maybe he's testing him. Yeah, that's what I thought. Right, which is another thing because then it's like you gain respect to be like, dude. Do what he said. Yeah, you did it right. Yo, I'm not going to pay you

and here's why. And the guy goes like this. Wow, the student really surpassed the teacher. Yeah. And that's who my niece should be with. Yeah, and he just gets up and... Yep. That's what he does?

Yeah, for his nephew-in-law. Yeah, I don't think that's really a bad a bad thing yeah good we figured that out that's great do we do one more or are we all settled okay cool but we're all settled up uh uh we appreciate you guys uh you know what i'll tell you this man i'm gonna be in san diego i'm gonna be in lakeland florida daytona and i'm also going to be in uh jacksonville and i'm gonna be in portland and seattle and uh and new york new york and chicago and minneapolis and austin go to chrisley.com get your tickets i got a question for you okay what's your favorite city to perform in it might be b Boston. Really? It might be Minneapolis. It might be Toronto.

Whoa, getting Canada up in there. I do also love performing in Los Angeles. Well, yeah, but you know. But no, no, because the crowds are tougher, but I really like getting them. Yeah. I mean, dude, if you're in a really big city and you're a successful comedian,

it's all pretty much the same, but there's something about Boston that's really great. Really? Yeah, because they're smart and they're not too, they're a mix of the right and the left and they appreciate the edginess and they're just a great, they're great crowds. But it constantly changes, man.

But I think Boston, I would have a hard time saying Boston is not top three just throughout my career chicago's usually great um i didn't expect boston yeah did you not no what would you have thought i've heard boston's like the hardest city to play in for uh like in sports because of because the fans are fucking yeah but you know once you build your fan base life in Boston is like from what I can gather is very like

you know Boston people from Boston think Boston's the fucking best yes and that could be annoying for people to do that okay but it's just I don't know. Like Boston is fucking awesome. You know what's weird? It's the one major American city I've never been to.

Yeah, that is. But it is kind of one of those cities that's like, why would you go unless you want to see Boston? I lived in New York for a while. I don't know why I never went to Boston. Yeah, true. Yeah, because you could drive, right? Yeah, I went to fucking D.C.

Went all over, but never went to. Boston is one of those. Never went to old Beantown. You know what I'm saying'm saying yeah we don't like that you said bean town but um yeah i love boston dude like i i bleed green okay well yeah let's not i do fucking and i'm a big fan of the celtics um yeah i love boston but yeah there's a lot of great cities i can't leave out like you know i fucking love performing in Vancouver. I love Austin. I love- Okay, I didn't ask you to list every city in the world. Fucking Houston is banging.

Dallas is the shit. DC is great. I mean- Wow. Big cities are awesome. Okay. Okay. But Boston's your answer.

I would say right now, Boston's my answer, yeah. Go to watchlifeline.com if you have a question. Like a submission. If you have a submission for us- Submission, yeah. To get on the fucking show, go to watchlifeline.com. Lif.com lifeline at like uh merch at lifeline merch.com get pimping pimping get it for the holidays get it for yourself get it for your family get it for

your friends or you fucking hate us and now the big one one-on-one advice with me mr matt delia go to mattdelia.com and book me, baby. Tuesdays and Thursdays. All afternoon at your disposal. Whee! Hey, yo.