Lifeline - 39. Unauthorized Sounds

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

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Hello. Hello. Hello. uh hot to have to have to skip it what is it hot to hot to skip it up skip it up hot to hot to hot to skip a quarterback a quarterback yeah that is it i think it's hot to hot to skip it up skip it up hot to hot to hot to skip it about skip it up hot to hot to hot to skip it up to yeah yeah that's from life stinks with mel brooks and i laughed so hard at that part when i was a kid when he's trying to pedal for change uh because he saw the kid doing it and he needs money right he needs money he's like a formerly super rich beverly hills producer maybe okay and he's like a shitty guy yeah i know that right well i'm telling the audience because we're recording i know i already know that so skip the part so that's the kid doing it

that's the kid doing it and he sees the kid do it it's gonna be boom hop too but then mel does it yes and it sucks ass and no one gives we can't see it on screen but we can hear it yeah it's not up fix that fix it there it is it wasn't even on now fix it again because you fixed it you did it wrong oh now this is black now it's black there we go there we go there it is there we go yeah here we go here we go there it is this is great so he needs. He sees this kid being good at it and making money off of it. There he is. This made me laugh hard, dude. Everybody likes it, thinks he's cute and good.

How much did that kid grow up with diet cancer? There we go. Oh yeah, he made the money. Right. All in a day's work, baby. I mean, so taking their time with the scene. I love it. It's good. Yeah, no, it is good No, I knew it that before you Dude Ziggy to be bamboo. Nevermind The head guy shaking his head There's some punch line thing at the end end

dude the if that were made oh wow remember that we gotta watch that again it's a good movie remember that dude that movie there was uh what do you call it what was it gonna say don't nobody knows but you. God damn it. That movie, oh, if that movie was made, wow,

that was really loud. If that movie was made today, it would be, that scene would be so different, huh? You think so? Yeah, it would be cut close to his face.

It would show his face. Oh, you mean as a, from a filmmaking standpoint? yeah, from a filmmaking standpoint. Yeah, I mean,

like if it was a Judd Apatow thing, it would have been like 70 cuts. Yeah. And, music during it. Yeah. Meloks is the genius dude yeah i don't know why they don't let shit play a lot like that i watched the internship the other day remember with oh with vince vaughn and owen wilson i sent you the clip yeah i never saw that vince vaughn's so funny i agree uh and owen wilson's funny too but vince vaughn man uh and it was it was uh and that director went on to do some big shit who directed it sean levy you know uh and it was it was uh and that director went on to do some big shit who directed sean levy you know who he is oh yeah yeah yeah and that movie is it has its

moments but i feel like it was like trying to be something that was like okay we did redneck crashers now let's do this definitely and they were both like we're both salesmen you guys will thrive off this as actors and improv artists you know and it just smelled like that it was too much of that it was like produced piece by piece being like well that made money and that yeah and that's a good idea and that's happening right now but um anyway happy new year it is uh the second episode right because new year's was the first episode sunday or what i don't know yeah and uh it's the new year uh but this is the uh the poppin new year the year as matt said the year of the bing bong and it's the new year uh but this is the uh the poppin new year the year as matt said the year of the bing bong and it's fucking cold in here huh i'm hot i'm not cold at all i feel like

shit though shut me down the thing about 2023 so far is it's not only the year of the bing bong it's the year of feeling like shit so far for me and is it because of the rain no i mean almost died at the very end is it because of the rain uh no it's not because of the rain it's because it's because i've had a fucking cold oh really for too long and it's not going away and every day i wake up and i do the a gross thing i'm not going to do it right now with my throat and my nose okay you know yeah it has the it's like it's like to kind of like that yeah uh and it pisses me off yeah so what's going on i'm sure it pisses you off dude uh and it's too cold and it's too raining and i hate the rain and it's and and it's sadness so that's great i can't stand

rain uh it's sadness you you know? Yeah, poetry. So anyway, dude, it's good to be in the year 2023. Who knew we would fucking make it to 2023? It's tough to make it to 2023. If you made it to 2023, congratulations, dude. We got the channel here that you can like and subscribe to. It is Shadowband 100%. We're probably going gonna have to change the

name to make it not shadow band 100 because it's fucking awful we can't we can't break subscribers uh so subscribe but we got uh i got brea um coming up here in california i got portland seattle these are dates um oh wait when when does this come out sunday? You know what? Tonight I'll be in San Diego. You can get your tickets chrislea.com Jacksonville, San Antonio Minneapolis, we just added a show and Sugarland we're going to be there. Austin

we just added a show. Boise Columbus, Cincinnati. We've got dates all over and be on the lookout for Salt Lake City is coming up and I believe somewhere else I can't the lookout for Salt Lake city is coming up. And I believe, uh, somewhere else. I can't remember what it is, but that's coming up. So anyway, I keep adding dates, chrislea.com, uh, go to get them tickets. It's a dick, but all good, dude.

We don't need it. Oh, you're done. Yeah. If you have a question, click the link in the description below or go to watch lifeline.com. And, uh, we've got that great new lifeline merch at lifelinemerch.com and if you want one-on-one advice sessions with me your boy your bing bong boy matt delia uh go to mattdelia.com i've been giving good advice to all you people who've been making sessions with me uh i would say 95 of the time i feel like they're very very productive and there's always that five percent where i'm like there was one session where i literally literally had no idea what the guy was saying the entire time whoa he was speaking

english oh yeah well he was he was just the words didn't go together like i'm assuming he thought they were but he was just like a fully unwell guy you know i'm saying yeah uh but besides him it was all good okay cool so all right yeah i can't i don't want to air it out too much because he was he was like sweet but something was just got it i hope he's okay and i'm i'm unqualified to help with that right right right you know i mean not me i'm qualified no you're not dude you know what you should do call me in those situations what situations where you don't understand somebody dude i can get to the fucking bottom of it i'm chilled no i'm chilled right now chilled yeah i'm just chilled dude that's not the right way to say that and i'm not

gonna lie i didn't get good sleep okay did you no actually i got really bad sleep i oh i normally get good sleep didn't get good sleep and i'm upset and i'm upset about it so uh we really hope that you guys are getting good sleep keep taking take care of your mental health you know what i mean take care of your sleep schedule that's the most important thing and uh and that's that man take naps let's bring back naps in 2023 i used to take naps and then i moved and in the house i live now i do not take naps and it's the house's fault yes dude there's nowhere to nap in that house except in the bed i guess but i nap on couches but where i'm saying and you're in the house that you live in now i have a couch there's no good place to nap you know why why because it's always 97 degrees in your house dude i love you are a fucking orchid

you live in a hot house it's horrible i live in it well and it's not that house it's any house or any room that you have the control of the temperature it's too cold always but maybe i have a fucking arm deficiency or something but i don't eat so much salmon dude i you know i keep it lean and like it's crazy dude okay well anyway you like it disgustingly warm calvin loves pasta, and we ate pasta last night, and it was so fucking cute, dude. He's like, no, I want Parmesan cheese. And he kept on wanting Parmesan cheese, and I kept having to put Parmesan cheese on the thing, and that's how you know he's a delia. You know how Dad and I do it.

Let's be honest. What? Everyone's kid is only cute to them. No. Because saying, I want Parmesan cheese alone isn't cute. Yes, it is, dude. It is if your kid is cute, and some kids are fucking so cute, and some kids are not cute,mesan cheese alone isn't cute. Yes, it is, dude. It is if your kid is cute. And some kids are fucking so cute, and some kids are not cute.

And my kid is so cute. Sure, if a kid is cute, then everything they do is cute. Right, but my kid is top notch cute. But only when they do it. Like when somebody tells a story like, my kid was like, I want Parmesan cheese. It's like, okay. Okay, but you know Calvin, so just imagine him doing it. You're welcome.

That sounds very nice, doesn't it? I've seen him do that. Yep. So it's so cute. Yeah, I mean, Cal is super cute. And he has a fucking cut here and he keeps picking it and we had to put a band-aid on it he's had it for so long it looks like it's like a birthmark i know he just won't stop picking it dude and he'll wake up in the i'll go in the morning get him in from his crib and he'll be like i picked my boo-boo oh really calvin i tell you not to pick it so anyway we make him sleep with the bandaid on now.

Whatever. That's how it goes. And so it goes. And so it goes. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. What is it? Round and round.

I don't even know what you're doing. No one knows. No one likes it. What? No one likes it. No, that song. That song is fucking banging, dude. No one likes what you're doing. Do you know who it is? No. Who's Joel? No one likes it. No, that song. That song is fucking banging, dude. No one likes what you're doing.

Do you know who it is? No. Billy Joel. And so it goes. And so it goes. Why do you do every song like you're Josh Groban? Because that's my style. Josh Groban my ass, dude.

Because that's my style, dude. That's a terrible style. It is not, dude. Especially if someone else already has it, and he's Josh Groban my ass. That's so dumb, dude. All right, so Josh Groban is very good at what he does. Let's just put it down there. Okay. But we don and he's Josh Groban my ass. That's so dumb, dude. All right, so Josh Groban is very good at what he does. Let's just put it down there. I agree, but we don't need two Josh Groban my asses.

I'm not doing it like Josh Groban. I'm inspired like Josh Groban, and I have inspirations just like I do with my comedy, right? Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy. That's my inspiration. I'm not like them, but I grew up on them, and since I grew up on Josh Groban, even though we're the same age, now when I start to do my singing— You didn't grow up on them and since i grew up on josh groban even though we're the same age now when i started my singing grow up on josh i grew up on eddie murphy uh jim carrey and josh groban okay and so it goes and and one of the things that i learned is when you really hit the fucking hard notes and so it goes and you gotta fucking pull back because it gets loud in people's yeah if only you pull back so far you're on the other side of the wall that's dick shall we yeah let's do it

all right let's do it hi chris hi matt i absolutely adore the shit out of the both of you but i will cut to the chase because this one's kind of long so my upstairs neighbor wakes me up at 7 a.m on the dot every single day monday through sunday it doesn't matter um and it's because their dog barks howls cries and runs around in the mornings And as I'm sure we all know by now, there's nothing more obnoxious than being woken up against your own will. Like it's one thing if you have to set an alarm for a certain time to wake up, but it's another thing if you're woken up by like a lawnmower outside or somebody waking you up when you fall asleep on the couch, or in my case, when a dog is barking. Um, and I work from home. I just feel like it sets the tone for

my day really wrong. Cause I wake up pissed off And I already sent a message to my leasing office Not that I expect them to get like evicted But I just wanted them to send an anonymous tip And be like hey you guys are being kind of loud Clearly it didn't fucking work So I feel like I have to take matters into my own hands But I'm not a confrontational person Like it's not my nature to be like hey you guys you fuck it

So I was thinking of maybe writing a letter I don't know if there's a way to like spin move out of this But it's to a point now where it's ruining my peace because i can also hear them doing like the horizontal mambo late at night and like walking around like it's just very annoying i mean okay so the dog barking i got an i got a really good i dude i got a really good idea do you want to go first and it's just very simple Okay Get a fucking sound machine Crank it up And put it near your head

Near your head? Yep Put it Tape it to the front of your head Turn it on And just hear waves Dude A sound machine is really great

Also Do you use one? No but I do use earplugs Those don't work at all for me Okay well they work for me It's probably because your ears Are fucked up in some way My ears are fucked up Oh okay Well there you go hers are not probably and mine are not so if you

just ball them up ball them up bing bong in the ear and they just you make them small and then you put them in there and then they expand and you can't hear anything but beyond that if you want the neighbor at 7 a.m with the dog you, you can't be, okay, when you live in any kind of apartment complex or whatever, like on top of one another, you can't have something that is waking other people up at obscene hours. I agree. Seven isn't obscene like to everyone, but it is to a lot of people, especially on weekends. It's too early, yeah. And like, you got to, that person has to figure out how to make their dog stop annoying their neighbors

or get a house. You know what I'm saying? Or be on the streets. Well, you don't want to have a dog live on the streets. That's not right. Right.

Or also, you don't want to live on the streets. But a person can make that choice. A dog sucks. Dogs are kind of, they should be out on the streets though, honestly. I mean, let's face it, they come from wolves. I learned that from Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Nothing. That means nothing. They aren't wolves anymore. They're completely defenseless and they would all die if they got let out on the streets. I know, but dogs, well, there's probably enough trash in LA at least to fucking for them to eat.

Anyway. But I'm just saying that dogs come from wolves. I think the thing to do also besides taking measures that you can do for yourself, I think you write them a note, tape it on their door. You don't need to knock

and confront them. Right. If you're not confrontational, it's not like a scaredy cat move or something. No. You're totally free to do that. I've done both.

Both work. Both piss people off off but who cares yeah this is your sleep like chris was just talking about yeah your sleep matters be nice about it though in the letter this way this is what i like to do okay be nice about it in the letter this way if they're a dick back you go like this i tried now the gloves come off You get a stool and late at night you stand up and you angle your... And so it goes, and so it goes, round and round, no one knows, or whatever the lyrics are. She probably doesn't want to do that and nobody wants to do that. Billy Joel and I probably want to do it.

But yeah, I... And I think that... Singing warfare. Those two things You know Takes things Measures that You know Will make it easier For you to sleep on your own

With the earplugs Or the sound machine Whatever And also write a note Write a note to them So you have So you have ears that work When you put the thing

Those orange ones right Mine are blue Okay So you painted them So you put them in Your ear And then they expand right yes and then uh they're like foam yeah i understand i've tried it and they don't fall out no no the

whole night oh my shit is like it'll be in for 30 minutes but i have air pods and they're in my ears and then all of a sudden they're not in my ears no so your ear the holes in your ears especially one of them i think it just slopes down and it just falls out. Yeah. Yeah, you have faulty ears. Those orange thingies She doesn't have faulty ears I would imagine and I certainly don't have faulty ears. Do those orange thingies

work for you guys? Leave a comment. Thingies! Because I don't, those earplugs, because they don't work for me, dude. So I want to know if they work for you

because I want to know if my ears are fucked up or if it's like a large part of the population that just can't use those fucking things. No, they're cheap and they're effective

and they're great. Otherwise, they wouldn wouldn't sell nobody would buy them if they always fucking didn't work for everybody but that's not true because it is a bit of a sucker gift right like it is a bit of a sucker thing you see and like oh cool and then you get it and it doesn't work but oh well they already got your fucking 699 a sucker gift who's gifting people for yourself i'm saying oh you're giving yourself i deserve a treat right because this is this is fucking- I mean, you know? Not necessarily something I need, but it might be nice to have earplugs, and then you put it in, and then it doesn't work.

It falls out. I'm wondering if it happens to you, so leave a comment. No, but what sometimes will happen is that it'll expand in the wrong way, and it'll leave room for unauthorized sounds to get through. All it does, yeah.

And when I want the unauthorized sounds, they sneak in. Yeah. So what I have to do sometimes is take it does, yeah. And when I want the unauthorized sounds, they sneak in. Yeah. So what I have to do sometimes is take it out, ball it up, bing bong, and put it right back in there. The way I do it always has unauthorized sound when it comes in. It always sneaks in. And then also it always falls out.

You know you can get large ones or like extra. I didn't know that, but I feel like those will just, really? Yeah. Yeah. There's like the normal sized and then there's large ones for people that have fucked up heads like you. Okay. All right.

Well then I guess we could do that. Yep. Should I get a haircut? No. I mean. You think it looks nice? Whatever. I think I need to get a trim.

I'm going to get a trim. Whatever. I'm going to get a trim and I'll have it next time you see me and then also i'm bringing calvin to get his first fucking hair haircut professional haircut because i do it wait kristen do it and you're saying that's gonna stop now and you're gonna take him to an actual barber this is the first time i'm gonna do it okay and i want to see you know i want to see him look like a real like handsome like a cool cut yeah okay but i feel like my hair is kind of good but then when i cut my hair and then i look back i'm like my hair was too long what the fuck was i doing oh i know what you mean do you know i'm saying yeah but i never um you don't get my haircut so i don't i don't

know what to say okay well i think i'm looking kind of good though yeah whatever yeah i'm insecure you know i want acceptance always from everybody okay i live in fear ever since i was a little kid okay so uh relax and i just want people to know i want people to tell me i'm okay as i am okay well good luck to you right very nice woman that just called in and that sucks but try the earplugs maybe the sound machine if i don't know those might be expensive. And then write a note. And if the note response is either nothing happens or they're rude back to you, you might have to suck it up and bing bong, knock on the door. And then when I'm in my car and I do affirmations out loud,

sometimes when I do the I'm worthy of love one, I start crying. So let's go to the next one. What's up,ris and matt i have what i think is a hot button topic okay you know some of those like really important issues yeah i know what the topic is and um i think those are worse i've had this issue where I watch television and film movies whatever and I've seen it happen so much where nobody ever says goodbye when they hang up on the phone

in movies, film television I don't understand it seems so fucking cool to do but also at the same time it seems like such a asshole thing to do so i always think and also at the same time i just don't understand why it's like so broad spectrum across yeah that's true all of them like are people meeting together is there like some sort of rule like you can't have people say goodbye when they hang up the phone

on television or film it's in every actor's contract. Please help me understand this. Obviously, I'm probably not going to hang up on people, but I don't know. Maybe I'll try it out for a little bit. Try it out. Anyway, let me know your thoughts. Change the world. Try it out.

Maybe I'll change the world. I notice this all the time. I love this dude. What an observation. I always think of this. It's so annoying. They never cut to the annoying. And the other, they never cut to the other person on the other line like,

oh. Like, dude, all right. I gotta say, I don't think I've noticed it the way you guys are talking about it. Oh, really? Dude, first of all. I've noticed it,

but I've never been like, what? In every, first of all, any badass movie, nobody says bye. Yeah, okay. Here's what I have worked on in my head why they do it okay it's just unnecessary for the filmmaking yeah yeah you just want it to keep moving yeah you want real life go look at somebody on their cell phone right you want to see denzel be the fucking

shit you don't hear him say okay great i got the instructions for the assassination bye-bye you know what i mean i got instructions for the assassination that sounds that's a that's a good writing oh so let's put it this way let's let's understand something nobody ever actually really says bye once even on the phone in real life writing what you mean you say more than once you go like this all right okay cool all right well i'll see you later yep okay uh-huh all right yeah okay great uh-huh i'll see you. All right. That sounds good. Yep. Bye. Imagine Liam Neeson in Taken doing this. But again, that would suck, and it would be boring, and we don't want real life when we go to the movies.

Yeah. The thing I hate that's kind of similar, but- I have one too. Go ahead. A better observation than that even is it's exclusive to TV. Movies don't do this, okay? don't do this okay the scene will for all intents and purposes end right but the camera will linger yep on one or maybe even sometimes both of the of the actors involved in the scene so it'll be like the child is missing and the other person's like oh my god is he really and then the other person

will be like but maybe i know where the child is and then it'll cut to the back the other person and it'll be like three more seconds just being like it's like the scene's done dude dude why are you doing that because in the script it says off of karen's reaction we smash cut too but it could be way shorter i know nobody does i mean if you want to talk about nobody does that in real life conversations keep going nobody at the end of every big moment in a conversation right people don't just go yeah yeah yeah whatever you know i mean i mean i'm a good actor so what i just did was probably really good but yeah every scene that scott bacula has ever been in definitely scott back had that happened especially ncis dude i love Beck. Oh, he's in one of those. Have you seen it? Is it New Orleans?

I've never seen it, no. Oh, dude. Yo. What's up with it? It's fantastic. Oh, it's good? Dude, so first of all, his name is... Pull up his name.

Dude, he is a... It's like Dwight Hammer or something it is dwight it is yep oh my god no you know what it is duane oh wow what is the name of it duane he's what you want to do is look up yeah look up the thing and then he's doing all that what is it? NCIS. Dwight. Dwayne. NCIS.

Why isn't it? Oh, there it is. The fifth one. The fifth one. Right there. No, no, no. The picture. The picture?

The picture. Now we go down. Say it, he said. What we're doing is we're pissing me off yeah especially because he forgot his microphone so now we can't even hear him right right right scott bavacula you know character name scott we go duane it was worth the wait it was worth the wait wow duane pride dude here's the thing they don't even call him that they call him king why why is it ever explained? Hey, King. Like, is his nickname? That's his name known. Or he has a crown off the side of his head?

In the streets. They say, we found the kid. I cut to him like this. He's got the crown. Dude, it is. And then they got that other guy in it. The guy who always acts like this. The Lucas guy who was in the past.

Who's that? That's not normal. Go to the thing. Oh, Lucas Black. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah what's his name in it who's the comedian lucas black lucas no you're thinking of uh someone else this guy's in ncis what's his name lucas black there he is who's the guy i'm thinking of though

uh the guy who talks like this is a comedian uh why don't we know louis black imagine if he was in ncis dude duane pride call me king um so his crown keeps falling off because he's all jittery um so lucas black oh every time he talks he talks like this and he's like well king i'll figure it out well who's daryl mitchell's character's name patten plane oh dude okay right above mark no that, that guy, Daryl Mitchell. Yeah, his name to what? Hold on a second, though. In the opening credits of NCIS, New Orleans, Daryl Mitchell, when his name, when his title card comes up in the beginning, it doesn't say Daryl Mitchell, even though that's his name.

Yeah, it is. What it says is Daryl mitchell even though that's his name yeah what it says is daryl chill mitchell what the fuck is going on with this show dude that's so dope he is so chill and here's the thing he plays a guy in a wheelchair and i was like wow that's fucking probably they would probably change that now they probably get a real guy who did a real with then i looked it up He is in a wheelchair. That's dope. And that is chill, dude.

Yeah, that is chill. But he goes by chill? Yeah, dude, watch. That's sick to be like that. Look at it. That's Zoe McClellan. Look at this guy. That's Neil Brennan.

Daryl Chill Mitchell! Dude. Unbelievable, dude. Honestly, I'm Matt Chill D'Elia. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So... And oh yeah and so okay so so it's all good so here's the deal that is about uh ncis wow dude uh which by the way nobody knows what it is ncis right like it has to do with the navy or some shit and it's like okay right but it's always ncis is always it's the crimes that have to do with the sea and the navy and shit and it's like okay right but it's always ncis is always is the crimes for that have to do with the sea and the navy and shit what that's so narrow it's so weird there should be

three episodes it's like well ever it's like there was these these fish robbed the bank i don't know what the fuck fish robbed the bank so and so we gotta go get a bunch of a bunch of fucking barracudas went to go they they're they're in a crime ring and so um so this is everything that has to do with the naval criminal investigative service i can't believe how successful this i mean mark harman who's in the first one is obviously worth 85 billion dollars yes um he's 107 and so the the butIS was first. Right. CIS was first. Oh, was it? CIS or CSI?

No, CSI. Crime Scene Investigation. CIS, what the fuck? Okay, so they have an office, or I don't know what you'd call it, the offices of the investigative... I think you'd call it an office. Yeah, but it's not a precinct, right?

It's called something, isn't it? I don't know. I've never seen the show, King. Dude, it is the most decked out chillest shit it's in like an old abandoned fucking refurbished place that would be so dope to live for a bachelor right and dude there's a kitchen in it and duane pride aka king's thing is he's always cooking for everyone everyone else because he's like he's probably like a cajun guy in the show and it's like that's what we do in new orleans yeah yeah wow what a dumb stereotype anybody want andouille that's how everything starts he's like anybody want andouille sausage

andouille andouille andouille what is it andouille and what is it andouille andouille anybody want andouille sausage and do uh rat Andouille. Anybody want andouille sausage? Andouille. Ratatouille. Anybody want andouille sausage? Andouille. Sausage. What's the thing that New Orleans is famous for? Crawdad.

Crawfish. Crawfish. Cajun. Cajun. Creole. Creole. Creole, yeah. Got some Creole oatmeal going on in the morning.

Wow. Will give you diarrhea so bad. Chill Mitchell's like, nah, not that. And so, yeah yeah so that's what it's about and it's just fucking amazing and he's always cooking in the beginning and at the end like dude he is investigating murders and also waking up to cook dope shit and his name is duane pride and he goes by king so i want to know is daryl mitchell is he only daryl chill mitchell in ncis or is he daryl chill mitchell in Daryl Chill Mitchell in NCIS?

I don't know. Or is he Daryl Chill Mitchell in everything? I don't know. Can we find that out? I don't know. The guy's been in a lot of stuff and he's killing it. Oh, well then let's find out for sure. Does he go by Daryl Chill Mitchell in everything?

Because if he does, he's figured out life way better than anybody else. I got to have a middle name like that. Oh, go to his Instagram. Maybe it says Daryl Chill Mitchell in it. It doesn't come up as anything else though. No. Yeah, yeah, it says Daryl Chill Mitchell in it. It doesn't come up as anything else, though. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daryl Chill Mitchell.

It's his Instagram handle. It is, dude. The hat in the second one. Is that him? A condom. Is that him? I think, yeah. Wow, look at this fucking stud, dude.

Who knows? Wow. Yeah, I know we can't play that, but how much? Anyway, he's the shit. I mean, he's got so much money from that, you know? Well, good for him. Yeah, good for him for sure. He figured out life.

He got people to call him Daryl Chill Mitchell on the intro. Oh, he's in Sergeant Bilko? Dude, how does a guy who has... He's been in a lot of stuff. Yeah, for a paralyzed guy? He's the best paralyzed actor i mean unless he it happened and he's kept on acting he's in something called lifeline really yeah scroll down he should get him on the show that's hilarious there it is

oh wow 2017 what the fuck don't know a single person in that show that's cool okua has a 3.9 oh out of five no uh all right let's let's do let's do another one there's enough there's enough we went fucking but it's fun to do that though yeah that was fun the sexiest man i've ever seen in my life david orcette um i have a situation stop it stop it stop it making how much shit how much is he making a world ending robot um that it'll pan out no dude he's currently making this video stranded somewhere and he's making something that will save his life this guy is hilarious and the shit and the fact that he's currently making this video stranded somewhere and he's making something that will save his life this guy is hilarious and the shit and the fact that he's fixing something off screen is absolutely un-fucking-believable you know who this guy is he's david the shit arquette that's

okay i'm having a difficult time uh evil villain explaining what i'm gonna kill someone it's a bitch means okay to him and there's so many nuances to it that i'm learning he's right like like if you're mowing the lawn and you know at the end when you're doing the little little triangles and like turning these little it's a bitch right you know it at the end when you're doing the little triangles and, like, turning, like, oh, it's a bitch. You know, it's a bitch. But also, I've come to, like, realize, I feel like, you know, your ego is the bitch, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so bitch to be, like, bitching about something. Sure. But it comes across so judgmental to people who yeah okay yeah okay let's discuss uh here it is judgmental because it kind of is you know yeah but i've like no i love the little that's great it's a bitch in me because it's the best teacher of what needs to grow and change. So philosophical. Beautiful man. I'm trying to communicate that to somebody and I'm having a really hard time

because there's so many different examples of... Yeah, Sabich. There's so many different... Sabich, I was using the script for. ...meanings of it. He is a great example of Sabich equals the shit. It's like I am judging myself for being sabitch, but it's also like I love myself.

There you go. So I'm not taking it so seriously. There's no way around being sabitch. Everybody's sabitch. Everybody's sabitch. When someone says something, hey, you really hurt my feelings with something. And if I went,

oh, you didn't understand what I mean. Sabitch. Sure, yeah, in a way. Sabitch. In a way, in a way. You know what I mean? So I'm trying to i mean i love the term because it's it's helped me so much but i'm not like condemning myself when i see that little ego the little bitch that wants to hey i'm right okay we get it we go uh here's the way to in terms of explaining it to other people the thing that people get tripped up on

is that they think if you say sabitch about something they do they think you're calling them a bitch a bitch

yeah moreover they think it has anything to do and I understand why they would think this they think it has something to do with like

when men call women oh they do a bitch which is totally not at all what it is. Yeah, no. It has nothing to do with that. No.

So it's good to be able to clear that up. But the lawnmower example was perfect because it's like, or like when you're carrying something irregular and you're trying to fit through a doorway. You're doing the lawnmower and you're like, it's like your arms don't fit around the thing and you're trying to,

that's a bitch. You know what I mean? So that has nothing to do with the derogatory term bitch ever. In fact, if you use it that way, that's absolutely incorrect and you're fired. I was, yeah, I was a bitch yesterday. And I don't know if I was a bitch today yet, but I would say I'm probably a bitch at least once a day. Yeah.

Do you ever notice that you are being doing something that is so bitch when you're alone and you laugh and you laugh oh yeah yeah me too yeah you do yeah yeah yeah you laugh because you wish somebody saw it so yeah i wish you saw it bitch to it yeah yeah for sure i want to explain it to you but you can't explain it to somebody you got to show it to them and then you're right right even if it's if it's really funny you can explain it yes because then you you can really convey the Sabichness. You just think it's someone toppling over with books or something. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with Sabich because we are all Sabich.

Yes. All of us Sabich. Remember when dad fell when he was trying to do the magician thing? No, but I remember. Yeah, yeah. That's not falling though. He fell. He fell later, but look at this was the best thing.

The whole thing was Sabich. But look at this was the funniest thing that I've ever seen in my life. Didn't he fall both times? Didn't he fall? Wasn't that the thing he fell? He fell. He was going. We were playing a game where he had to say, we had to guess magician, but he couldn't

say what the word was. It was like taboo or whatever. Something like that. It wasn't taboo, but it was like taboo. And he was trying to do like a wallah thing yeah i in my memory he fell while he was doing it got up and then goes look at oh my god really and it was so i thought the fall was separate and i just thought look at all i remember is look at this like what's such a say a thing a magician says like abracadabra you probably couldn't say abracadabra right right right that was one of the words yeah oh fuck he just said

look at this the worst magician you know look at this you gotta fucking cut a girl in half look at this okay so look what i'm doing um yeah so i i would say what are you laughing at specifically right now tell me what you'm laughing at a magician if a magician really did a trick and said look at this but i'm also laughing at the way dad did it was so funny dude it was yeah oh oh fuck we laughed and so all right so yeah so bitch is a great fucking thing it calls people out but in a lot it's it's a loving thing dude just tell them it's a loving thing i know i mean maybe they get offended clear up you're not we're taking the word and owning the word it's not bitch what it

means actually it doesn't mean female dog it's not a derogatory thing for women yeah we're taking that word and saying wow you really look insecure the way you're moving around. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Or like overwhelmed physically. Yeah, overwhelmed physically. Swallowed at the wrong time in the conversation.

Or trying to do something awkward. Yep. That requires your body to move in a position. Teetering in any way physically. It's a bitch. That requires you to, it's a bitch. Right, right, right. Okay, cool.

Let's see what's up. That was good, yeah. Great question. Hey, Matt and Chris. Love, cool. Let's see what's up. That was good, yeah. Great question. Hey, Matt and Chris. Love the pod. Hope you guys are doing well. I'm seeking some dating and relationship advice. I met this girl.

We were going on dates, really hitting it off, doing the horizontal mambo. Life was ripping for about a month. Sounds good. We were spending four or five days in a row hanging out each week, which became exhausting. And I told her, I think we're spending too much time together. It was indelicate how I said it, and it came out at the wrong time. I really hurt her feelings, and she told me I'm a bad person and that she doesn't want to see me again. Two weeks later, she reached out.

We met up and talked. She apologized. We agreed we wanted things to be back to how they were. But ever since then, it's been about three or four weeks. The hangouts have been infrequent. It doesn't feel the same. Her texts have been dry, and she's been leaving me on red i was curious should i reach out and see you know how she's feeling um and if this happened to you how'd you handle it

and how'd it pan out yeah thanks okay wait before we even get into that leaving someone on red i want to talk about this i think about this sometimes people are water people are always like oh i'm gonna leave them on red like show them something this or that let them let them suffer on red yeah it's like leaving somebody on red you know who leaves shit on red people who have a life dude could be like i don't respond right away to any of any people who text me yeah and i also don't have red receipts which is change it for also don't have read receipts, which is change it for everyone. Don't ever have that. But like, I don't know. I don't find that insulting if someone read my text three hours or three days before and hasn't responded yet.

I'm codependent though. So I do. Okay. Well, I don't. So I'm smarter and have it more figured out than you. So that's the final word on that part. Yeah. But this guy

i knew what when he was saying it that that was a huge mistake why why do people do that why are people like what like this guy why is does he say oh maybe we're seeing each maybe maybe we're moving too fast maybe or maybe we're seeing each other too much like what you're seeing her because you want to yeah so if you want to why would you even want to scale back in the first place like there's no like set ideal of how often you see somebody you see somebody the amount that you want to see them yeah so why would he well he either in in all like do all due respect fuck it up by saying because he's fearful avoidant or he is uh he he doesn't like her that much but he obviously does sure yeah but maybe sometimes it takes it take well okay so if he's somebody who keeps people at a distance because he's scared because

his walls are up if that's what it is then he should say that to her so that he has an explanation for saying that but there's many people who are like that that don't know they're like that okay well congratulations now you know say that in the text say say like i don't know why i said that that was stupid not only did it come out wrong but like i think i had some like fear of wearing myself out on like with you and i don't i'm scared to wear myself out with you so like hopefully i was wrong i i don't know what i was thinking it was a stupid thing to say. Like, obviously things were good then.

If we could get back to where we were, that would be amazing. I'm sorry. Yeah. So you think he's, I wasn't really clear. Is you think he, he,

so he wants to, does he want it to get back to the way it was? Yeah. It seems like it to me. Yeah. Yeah. I guess it did seem like that. Yeah.

Just say that. Just say like, yo, I don't know why I said that. I jumped the gun. I think I was being a little bit of fear, a little bit fearful. I was insecure or whatever. But, uh, I noticed your did seem like that. Yeah, just say that. Say like, yo, I don't know why I said that. I jumped the gun. I think I was being a little bit fearful. I was insecure or whatever. But I noticed your texts have been dry lately.

And if it's because of a reaction because of that, because you think you need to be that way because I said that, I understand. But let me take accountability and responsibility for that. And tell you that that isn't what I meant. It isn't what I meant. I was being not true to myself. I was scared. uh i'd love to

you know uh stop that shit and let's move and let's move forward or laughing that hard made me tired man wow yeah or you know maybe you're just you don't want to be with her yeah yeah she does though he wouldn't do this i i understand but i'm just trying to think like if i like i would have never done that well i'm a different i'm not fearful of void and i'm very uh i'm very codependent but yeah okay i don't know yeah take matt's advice just yeah take my advice a baby hey what's up man chris love the show actual get right into it so the other night four months old i was with this girl that i've known for a few weeks and you know things escalated we was going through the horizontal mamba nice but she told me oh I don't like condoms oh when I pulled out the rubber and I'm like aren't you worried about having a kid STDs great she's like oh I'm on birth control don't worry I

get checked all the time I'm clean what about you so I just wanted to know what you boys would do in this situation are you telling her hey sorry I got to keep myself protected, can't do it? Great question. Or is it like depends on the scale of if she's a bombshell or like, you know. Yeah, I could. It all depends. Just save the world. Shit his pants in the middle.

You know, like a one versus ten. Are you going in raw with the ten or is it just a no deal all around got to protect yourself got to stay clean yeah let me know okay if go ahead if you got something gotta be clean you gotta be yeah you gotta be clean here's the deal though if you don't have your own car you can do it because she might be better off than you and then like you guys can figure out life together because it sucks if you don't have a car you're saying you can hit your wagon to someone who has is better off than you if you have a baby but is he it's birth control he said but he's talking about well yeah but here's the thing it's not news but people be lying okay but here's the thing if someone says that to you

yes you yes in this case it's the woman she's saying i've been tested and i'm on birth control but like what about sorry to break it to you all the guys out there you're not the only one that this woman might be having sex with so like not even in a distrustful way just in like a safe way yeah you just always want to wear a condom if it's your if it's your partner and you guys are exclusive obviously yeah then who cares but like i mean ah but but if he's talking 10 just met somebody but he's talking he's with a 10. Why does that matter? I don't even understand. Because you get to be- It's the same exact thing biologically. Yeah, I know that.

You can get something and you can get someone pregnant and a lot of things. If you don't have your own car and if you live with a roommate and you're 29 or up above that and you have a 10- That's not happening though because you're 29, have a roommate, and don't have a car. Depends on where you are, dude. If you're in the fucking, if you live in a swampland, you know what I mean? If you live, if you're on a bayou and, like, you just got the dime there by mistake. Like, what the fuck? Have you seen Letterkenny?

The fucking show in Canada? Like, there's people, they live in the middle of nowhere. There's a really hot chick in it. All right. I mean, that's an extreme but i'm just saying though like you you you you knock her up by mistake and you don't have a car and you live with a roommate she all of a sudden makes you look good and we're elevated right and then all of a sudden all right it's like the fucking secret or you made your own vision board but i'm nutting the don't worry i'm on birth control is a there's a glaring hole in that

state yes because what about other things well no but also i'm not just worried about children i get it you're not going to get hiv and pretty much everything else is whatever curable except for herpes but here's the deal you're just chill about st but, well, I mean, herpes is the bad one, and then otherwise you can just kind of take a pill, right? Yeah, but it's like, I mean, what are you talking about? What I'm worried about more is people be lying, first of all, about the birth control, and then second of all, sometimes women will be like, I take birth control,

and they take it every day, but not every day at 10 a.m. They take it at 10 a.m., they take it at 3 p.m., they take it at, and then the pill doesn't know what to do. And oopsie daisy, I let my fucking soldiers in there. And now we've got a kid. But all of the, everything we're saying actually doesn't matter, whether it's you're afraid of getting an STD or getting someone pregnant, or if you're the woman, you don't trust a guy who says he's been tested recently, which you shouldn't.

Always, with someone who you're not exclusive with, always insist on protection, whether you're the woman or the man. Bing bong. Okay. Yep. Hey, Chris and Matt. My name is Marta. I'm 30 years old. Hi, Marta.

And I live in Brooklyn. Cool. And unfortunately, I need some help with a stranger danger problem. Oh, no. A little background. I have a volunteer job that I do Tuesday mornings. I feed a colony of stray cats. I know your dog people.

Apologies. And there's been this man that's been showing up to the place every Tuesday morning when I'm there for like about a month. And he just asks me the same questions over and over again. And I feel like I've been pretty like polite about it. I've been like, okay. Um, yeah, he asks me what, what am I doing? Uh, how many of the cats do I own? Which I don't own any of them. They're wild. Um, and does all the food get eaten,

which arguably is the weirdest question out of all of them. So I don't really know what to do. Should I like ignore him? Should I, no, I don't know. Should I spin me? Matt?

Sorry. Um, yeah. I mean, obviously he's crazy, right? Yes. What do I do?

Uh, bring somebody next time. Bring somebody, whether that's a girlfriend or a man, bring somebody and have that person say something to that person. Because it's a situation that could get hairy if you are, it could go sideways in a number of ways with a crazy person. So you bring someone as like a buffer, as protection, but also to be the person to be like, create some kind of like pushback. Like why are you, what, she says you ask questions all the, if it's a guy, he should just be like, what do you, why do you ask the same, her the same questions every week? Like, she told me about you. I'm like, what, what is that about?

Or something, you know? I think you bring somebody at least once, maybe twice in a row. Because if you confront the guy the first time, you want to make sure that you're protected the next time you go. Unfortunately, in any city, you know, you're in Brooklyn. time you go unfortunately in any city you know you're in brooklyn i used to live in new york there's a number of scenarios where there's just a crazy guy who gets in the way all the time i used to live downtown and there was a really crazy guy who used to pretend like he worked in the parking lot that i parked my car in and he was just a crazy guy he would like ask if i wanted

to get my like windshield clean or like whatever and i was just like at a certain point i was like you don't work here you did i know that yeah you know what i mean i know you don't work here he was he i don't even remember what he said it wasn't even the point like he was a crazy guy you know it didn't matter uh what i said he was going to keep doing what he was doing. But I'm a six foot one man. And that's an immediate difference right there. I think you should bring a guy. At least bring a friend of some kind. You absolutely have to.

There's no question. You never know what the fuck could happen if people are crazy. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. All right. Nothing?

I mean, I agree with you. Okay. Like there's nothing else to say, but fucking, you got to be careful. Yeah. And bring a friend to confront the person or bring a friend and you confront him when the friend is there. So you have like backup. That's good too.

But I still think you're the big guy doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every chick has a big guy friend, yeah.

I'll be quick and concise. I recently got out of a long-term relationship about a little over a year, and I have completely forgotten how to speak to women. Yeah, I get it. Zero game. No play whatsoever. Advice. Tactics.

Anything, please. Yeah, thank you. Tactics. First of all, stop thinking about that. Because every day is a new day. Every interaction is a new interaction. You could be the nutty professor in one instance and then you're lethargo the next like every day is a clean slate every person is a clean slate just don't be a jerk

and don't be insecure you know i mean like there's a vast territory between those two things you don't need any skills there's any any anybody that's out there being like i know how to pick up girls is is an absolute like huckster right those people are full of shit and because it's it's like there is no one size fits all thing it also that's like belittling to everyone involved it's like as if there's like a trick you can pull on women to make them want to have sex with you like this yeah this is not remotely true first of all and second of all like doesn't everybody know that that's not true by now anyway not to say that's what that guy's saying but like i don't think there is or i know that there is not uh a right thing to do in terms of like getting women it's just like you go ahead i mean it's always be you

yeah gotta be you yeah because eventually anyway they're gonna discover who you are so yeah so be open and honest and say hey look you know uh i i've been in a relationship for by the way how long a year he said he's been out of it for about a year yeah oh okay he's out of it for a year and i think that's what he said yeah yeah um and also put yourself into situations that will help you figure it out like go to a place that where you approach someone and talk to them you'll get better at it and you'll get a thicker skin for sure also definitely definitely this might be the most important but be easy on yourself yeah yeah as long as you're not being a jerk yep and like getting drinks thrown in your face or getting eyes rolled at you like as long as you're not being mean or negging,

which I'm assuming this guy isn't. He seems like a nice guy. Yeah, he does. But don't take it personally. Don't be hard on yourself. Not everybody likes everybody. It's just like one of those things. You could be on a bad streak.

You could be approaching the wrong people. I highly doubt it has to do with the way you're approaching people you know uh unless again you're getting in your own head that sounds that's the thing you got to stop but there's no tips and tactics except for just be yourself and every just remember that every time you approach someone in this way it's you have a clean slate they don't remember the dumb thing you said to the person the last couple weeks ago. They weren't there. You are a new person to this new person.

You are new to them. Yes, true. You're not new to you. You're the same old idiot to yourself. Yes. Everybody's the same old idiot to themselves. Yes. But to the person that you're meeting right now,

right in front of you, you're new to them. Give yourself a fucking break. Yeah. Give yourself a break. Be you. Give yourself a break. Those are the two things. A hundred percent.

Okay. And also congratulations on your snowboarding that you obviously won. Yeah. Congratulations on all the trophies you won. All right, cool.

You want to do one more? Yeah, I guess. All right, cool. Hey guys, Lulu from New York City here. What's up? Got my phone on in the background as always. Can't see.

Chris, I'm a long time baby. Matt, big fan of your work. Watched American Animal recently. Oh, hell yeah. My question for you both is how do you manage anxiety when you're sort of in the public eye? I'm a musician, performer. I go on stage a lot. I'm getting kind of well known for what I do.

But I deal with panic attacks. I struggle with OCD. Chris, I know. Same for you. You know, just when you're panicking and have to be on stage or in front of people, it can be really scary. I'm in therapy. Of course, it's helpful, historybetterhelp.com, but not always the advice I'm looking for. So I guess as two successful dudes with careers and families and whatnot, and who survived, you know, almost blacking out on a plane, How you manage anxiety when you're either on stage or in front of or behind a camera.

I'm also a licensed psychotherapist, so sometimes it's hard to give myself my own advice, a deeper whatever. Anyway, that's it. Love you guys. Chris, see you February 18th. Matt, you got beautiful hands. All right, bye. Why does everybody say that? Is that a thing?

February 18th, New York. Yeah, it's weird, too, especially since I have some, too. No, no, no. I have beautiful hands. she said hmm people say that about you huh i mean yeah i mean i i think well do you get it or not i get it a lot since we started doing this i mean my hands look way better than yours okay but like i don't know uh yeah uh i mean you can speak better of this than I can, but I don't like, I mean, I don't mind like being recognized because everybody who recognizes me is generally very nice to me

because they know who I am because they're a fan of one thing or another. But I generally share your anxiety and I'm a fucking hermit. Okay turn that's my solution but that's not a good solution it's tough i mean look you know it's all about the work right you're a singer and uh part of the reason why you're good at what you do is because of this stuff you're very sensitive and the ocd is about control and you want to try and control the situation and you can't. And I get that.

I live that way as well. And I think that what you got to do is just, well, first of all, there are things you can do for like OCD and there's behavioral therapy and there is a book called Brain Lock. That's really good if you look it up and you get it. But dealing with this stuff and dealing with it in your career, we're in an age now where you can just kind of be transparent and talk about it too. You can write a song about it. You can fuel your work. So I understand the feeling shame about it, trust me, and I understand the hardship of it, but you can just use it to actually fuel yourself

and make you a better person and make yourself a better artist. So, you know, it's not you, the OCD and the panic attacks, but it's a part of your makeup and that's okay. And you can get through it.

Remember that it's your brain, but you didn't ask for it. You certainly didn't design it. So it's a part of you. And as artists or as an artist in your case, just sort of like if you can, the ideal thing is to fold it in to your persona and your work if possible. And that is not just being open about it. But as Chris is saying, you said she's a singer? That's what she said, I think.

Oh, okay. Yeah, making music about it. Not like on the nose, but like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have OCD. But yeah. Actually, that would be good. Think about that.

Yeah, that would be cool. That would be amazing. But yeah, I think that there are a number of ways of dealing with it through the work and through the persona that you're creating for the public. Just love yourself, man. You know? You talking to me?

Be okay with it. Yeah. No. Okay. Be okay with it. You're okay. You're okay. And don't carry yourself over it.

You're a good person. Well, I mean that. I don't mean that actually. No, I know. Yeah, yeah. Colloquially. I got you. Okay.

All right. Well, thanks for listening. You can go to chrislea.com. I'm going to be in San Diego that. No, I know. Yeah, yeah. Colloquially. I got you. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for listening. You can go to chrislea.com. I'm going to be in San Diego tonight. chrislea.com. I'll be in New York February 18th. I'll see that lovely lady there at the Beacon Theater. And I will be in Chicago.

I will be in Portland and Daytona and Seattle. A bunch of places. chrislea.com. Brea Improv. I will be doing dates there in California. Let me know. One-on-one sessions with me, Dwayne Pride. Go get your session.

Book them at MattDelia.com. Tickets for him is ChrisDelia.com. And, yeah. Oh, the Lifeline merch, LifelineMerch.com. Get it. Keep yourself warm. Look good. Make everybody happy.

Buy it for everybody that you've ever met. And we're all good. Fuck yeah, dude. Thanks, guys. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.