Lifeline - 43. Casual Tees of War

Episode Date: February 5, 2023

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Hello? Hello? Hello? right hopefully people are stabbing each other this episode is that cool anthony yeah i like that wasn't listening let me sleep no actually yeah was asleep woke up said that and then got so angry that I woke him up. Dude, honestly, let's start the show like this. Andrew, whatever your name is. Antonio. Andy. Andy, dude, you're – it's Anthony. We're joking.

You're editing. You're – everything is on point. Except for saying hi. You don't greet people right you don't what matt was saying when we got it terrible anthony this is how anthony says hi yeah yeah well moreover sorry to interject but and nobody here does greetings correctly are we fucking even recording yeah we are okay uh i nobody does greeting correctly i walk in both of their fucking backs are to me if they say hi i can't hear it because they're talking to the fucking wall on their computers you walk in are looking down and you say hey one time for everybody there's three of us here well i mean what the fuck am i a politician hi how you doing hi how you dude i'm

nice i walk in i'm like what's up anthony what's up chris they just look at their fucking computers you walk in you look at the ground, you say, hey. Okay. There is a level of intimacy. Look alive, dude. There is a level of closeness. There is a level of connection that you have with people where you are now blessed to be in their life and they're blessed to be in yours. Okay?

So act like it. And when you graduate to that level, you don't need to do anything but sup. And that's the level we've been at, by the way, for years. You never mentioned this. But I don't like it. Okay, so now all of a sudden you don't like it. It's life denying. Look at him trying to figure out the thing.

Life denying. I mean, dad. Dad, the way he's doing it. All right, listen. Started at a two-hour school. Chris is up there trying to do the time in it anyway that didn't help anybody understand what yeah and he's well it helped a little bit dude it's a clock and it lets us know how long we've gone so far he didn't start it when we started and he was doing

it like my dad would do it which is very badly and slowly and pointing the remote way too close as if it's not an actual remote you need to be prox uh uh approximate how about i hate when people do like this with the shazam i do that i do that hey but sound is everywhere no it's not it's not more up there are you kidding me yes it is it's close if you get closer to the source it's louder and clearer that's how sound works dude when you're just in a room yes in a room they go like this all right if it's a quiet room and you do that sure but like restaurants and shit poker face it's poker in restaurants and shit i do it that's so that doesn't work shut up dude the difference between here and here doesn't work you don't go not not not poker face i'm tall i'm tall and i get it close and i never

miss with shazam when i'm down on the ground when i'm down on the ground i don I get it close and I never miss with Shazam. When I'm down on the ground, I don't get it. Sexual. Listen. So, Anthony, good job on editing. First of all, already good job on editing. I know I was making fun of you the last episode about how you don't do it quick enough. Already good job. And then you took the note.

What did you say to him last episode? I don't ever remember the last episode. I don't remember. Where am I? So what he does is, what he did was, I would be like, Barry Bonds. And then we'd be talking about Barry Bonds. And then Barry Bonds would come up. Dude, he did it a little bit kind of trolling me.

He did it before we were talking about the thing now. A little bit trolling. But, dude, he was killing it. I watched it. And I love when he does, like he did one thing. I was talking was talking like you're too close you're too close i know and you smacked it go ahead and he he added oh cool that's and then he cut in it's just great dude and then he does like when i show him gadded up shit he zoomed it in okay anyway i'm getting a cityscape but why are your fucking nails like that i'm punk now are you a guy named brett in eighth grade when i was in eighth grade

it's a deeper are you a guy named kevin anderson in a guy that fucked your girl for sure when you were no dude kevin anderson was a friend of mine and mom didn't like him and she made me feel so bad when i would hang out with him wow and now he's a park ranger so mom why were you naughty why were you so naughty you know mommy why were you so naughty your therapist told you to your therapist told you to confront your mom and you're so fucked up and that's mommy why are you so naughty so bad spill my coffee everywhere gas dude i call mom and i say mommy why are you so naughty and then i hang up yeah so listen um all right listen man let's talk about mom used to do mom used to fucking uh say to me why do you only hang out with the foreign kids and not as a racist

prejudice thing because their parents didn't speak english so she was like i can't even be friends with the fucking yeah yeah but moreover you would hang out with not just foreign kids the weirdest kids. Yeah, different kids. And different was foreign because right. I mean, different. Because it was, well, yes, they are weirdos. But the main thing is I wanted them to be not the standard Brad, Chuck, Vince.

I wanted them to be like Idus. Like my friend was Idus. Idus was nice as fuck. No, he was nice as fuck. But his parents were like, we don't know where we are you know yeah and he had a sister who really this is weird actually he had a sister who was beautiful but she looked exactly like him and so it was like i couldn't figure out what how i felt about her i'm gonna go i want to take this a step further this is something i think about sometimes okay there are beautiful women out there that so far i'm with you that if they look like their dads or brothers too much i can't i

dated a girl for a long time who looked exactly like her dad and you're okay with it yeah and i knew the dad for a long time before i even got together with her oh i couldn't do it i i don't think i can and and now i'm married to the dad they uh you married the dad married the dad okay so see so that's why you can do it i love you jimmy jimmy um that's his name so yeah so so you can do it i i can't do it i mean it is a it can be actually attractive it can be like disconcerting but it just depends on how how like strongly they resemble the person you know and who you saw first so you saw the dad first well no i mean i knew i knew the yeah yeah it's just it's a lot so what do you so i've been thinking about that and i was like i think that's a thing that must be a me thing what thing no i

think that's pretty common really yeah like if the daughter what like looks like no because i'm telling you i the dad that i ever have but like i couldn't actually date someone like that if they look well what give me an example too much like somebody i already knew in their family like like she had a brother yes and you knew the brother would it matter if you knew the brother first no well if i you knew the brother first? Well, if I knew her first, it would be okay. Okay, right. But no, if I met the brother, I could not do it. That's weird. That's not right.

That's not right. In fact, it's wrong. Okay. So anyway, yes, I'm going to be in Louisiana at the worst segue. Absolute fucking worst segue. And that's tonight.

Anyway, if you want a one-on-one session with me, your boy, Matt D'Elia, baby, go to mattd'elia.com Tuesdays and Thursdays. We'll do a tagline workshop. And book them, baby. Book me. Book me, baby. There's a lot in there. I think we could maybe work it. Maybe make it a little more simple. I throw them all out. Yeah. And I let the public baby. Book me. Book me, baby. There's a lot in there. I think we could maybe work it. Maybe make it a little more simple.

I throw them all out. Yeah. And I let the public decide. So bad. That's the kind of thing I do. I go like this. I go like this. I go like this.

I throw them all out. But I didn't. I know that the public. But I didn't say. I didn't even know what I was saying, which is interesting. About Louisiana? Because no one cares. No.

So I'm going to be in Louisiana tonight. And then I'm going to be in New York Rhode Island Chicago that's already sold out hmm that's a real problem wow such an asshole two shows at the Beacon Theater

hmm 2,800 seats so that's a dilemma right because there's going to be 6,000 people so what do we do are they sold out

the second one is not but you know okay shit shit don't tell people to buy tickets for things that are sold out okay yeah you're right

so I not Chicago so not Springfield and Missouri that's sold so hmm um well it would help if my things were up there right it would it would be good right for you so if you knew if you had it up there i will be in uh minneapolis i will be in um a bunch of different places and it would be so helpful if they were up but they're not right so cincinnati uh columbus god it would be so helpful but it's not okay um and then Utah, I will be in. And then, nope, we're already past that.

And then Kansas City, Tulsa, Midland, Texas, Austin. I got two shows on sale there. Milwaukee. And yeah, there we go. All right, cool. Boise, Salt Lake City. No, we don't do that. So chrisley.com, get your tickets.

Don't touch me. And dude, here's the thing too. How about you subscribe to the Super Good channel, right? That's what we do, dude. And that's what's up. That is what's up. I'm in green. I'm in all green.

You are. It's like you're in a war zone. Casual war. Stylish. Casual war. Casual. Casualties of war. Go like this.

Dude, casualties of war. Oh, wow. Yes. Yes. Doing a chin-up. Doing a chin-up. Doing a chin-up. Okay. That was the obvious... That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen you do.

I was doing pull-ups. Oh, you were? Yeah. Actually doing it. Okay, cool. So, anyway, I'm glad to do this. We did two shows two weeks ago, and we did not see each other last week because I was on the road. On the road again. On the the road yeah on the road again on the road again on the road again on the road again who's that guy that used to do all the parts

of the songs he beatboxed and he'd also rap yeah and everybody acted like it was the craziest thing ever and it was the craziest thing ever but it also sucked me yeah yeah who was that guy the guy from police academy no it was razel razel dude remember razel he would be like it was so crazy because what he does is crazy but it sucks yeah yeah yeah yeah so bad at it so bad at it i like a stroke dude play razel play if your mother only knew dude wow So bad it is. So bad it is. I like his stroke. Play Rozelle. Play If Your Mother Only Knew, dude. Wow. Cincy.

That outfit is so dope. Yeah, you would wear that. What? You would wear that. This is crazy. Play it up. I mean, the person who posted it. The beatbox queen.

This is when it gets really sick. Yeah. You got to tease it out first. See, so shaky. On a plane. With a GoPro. Recording it on a plane. GoPro on their head.

Okay, let's get to it. Razel. The reason why he's teasing it so much is because honestly it's cool but who cares and he has to tease it to get to the part because it's like who gives a shit when he's doing it for too long it's the kind of thing that it's impressive but like who cares who i have a theory about this who likes it though no it's not here we go at the same time I have a theory about this. Who likes it, though? No, it's not... Here we go. At the same time.

Wow, so cute. Cute. When you're talented at something that only is the thing you can't use it in any other news of life that thing sucks breakdancing number one thing like that doesn't help for any other reason yeah sure yeah yeah yeah you're good at that who gives a shit

you could be in a police academy remake right oh go to the part where obviously the part where yeah yeah here we go oh is this Wu-Tang or is he doing this still here we go how are you doing that hey hey i'm looking you know hey hey hey hey you have a camera on you i know but you don't need to get attention when you have a camera on you okay

i mean you know all right dude showing himself up good job right so that's cool that he can do that but also who cares is what it's just that's what just... That's what breakdancing is. It's actually not who cares. I do find it impressive. It's just like, it sucks to listen to. Yeah. It's like, wow, you can do that, and that's impressive as fuck, and truly, wow, but like, it sucks. Like, I'd rather listen to a song. So fucking bad, dude.

Well, it's basically that, but anyway, dude, whatever, dude. Having a stroke the way your face looked when you did it. So anyway, I'm having a good time and we have a good time and we're doing this. Having a good time. No. Having a good time. What happened to your nails? Oh, yeah.

I'm punked now. So I did it because... So here's why I did it. This is a story. I did it three and a half years ago for a television show. Elephant in the room. Yes yes i got cut out of it now kept them there i actually kind of fancied them a little bit never did it again fine then one day i was like you know what i'm gonna actually do it again because i'm not because

like calvin asked you or something i and there we go hey hello matalia the story ruiner so so i so i'm like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna get the black nail polish and maybe i'm gonna do it i get it i get the black nail polish and then i'm like i bet i you know i have it around my house for a few weeks and i'm like i bet calvin would kind of like this so as kristen to do this she does it and uh i show calvin you know he doesn't really give a shit but i kind of did a little bit for him but then now what i realized is dude i picked my cuticle so much but when i have the nail polish on i only picked the nail polish my my fingers have never been so healthy because of this shit tasting something so so what so i think i'm not going to keep doing it because it's really annoying

because when i post clips on the internet of me doing stand-up people are like really dude you would have flamed somebody who did this when it's like no i wouldn't black fingernails who gives a shit also i flame people for everything wow steeper when it's like i'm my own person do you know are you done yeah are you are you quite done yet i'm probably not going to do it again soon but okay we're storyteller of all time we're sending you know uh and then i died do you know do you know what this is about no i don't patsy you're uncultured it's from abvab i know okay what is that oh yeah the show wow i haven't thought about that show in a bit get with the program dude yeah it's funny is it

really yeah it is because usually those shows people are like oh this is so funny bbc shows yeah yeah but like faulty towers i know dude and it's like sacrilege to do that when you're in comedy but it's like well i'm not in comedy and i well you are in comedy thank my lucky stars for that okay i'm not dude no way am i no no not a part of that no thank you thank you don't even like watching stand-up comedy even though you do it thank you that's very rude it's very rude to say the only reason i watch yours is because you're my brother thank you very good to say you have to actually come out and see me soon don't actually like going there ever never did and never ever wanted to go thank you okay you're being actually so only went only

went because i would have felt bad if i didn't go thank you so fucking rude you why don't you like stand-up i don't like here's the honest truth it's the same reason i don't like comedy movies i laugh so much in my life i don't need to go sit down to watch people make me laugh even more oh so you admit that it is funny sometimes of course oh wow i don't like sit there with a straight face like a dick in the front row in the front row no i laugh whenever i'm there i laugh okay uh but yeah no it's just i don't like it and i never did okay now get off my back about it no i'm not on your back about it okay well um so should we do another should we do a video now or what should we should we see what's up let's get into the

show let's get into the nitty-gritty the nuts and bolts the meat potatoes of it oh the nooks and crannies. Yep. What's up, man? Eating. I'm Carly. Cute. I'm Delay. Wow. That's Delay, a.k.a. Courtney.

We have a question for you. Okay. We are some, we like to have as little time as you guys know. You know us. So high. So high. I want to be high. You guys know us personally.

And we want to know if you guys get this. Sometimes these annoying reactions when like, like we're also loud laughers. As you guys know us. Oh my God. I'm going to have nightmares. Thanks. I found this my whole life.

Like a stranger will come and be like, you guys are having too much fun. They're like, oh, you guys, you better quiet down. Sounds you guys are having too much fun. They're like, oh, you guys, you better quiet down. Sounds like you're having too much fun. Just so fucking annoying. And then the vibe's gone. It's done. It's done. It's done.

Okay, well, now the fun's over. Now the fun is actually over. Oh, evil. Shelly's not a demon. The first girl i didn't get your name is a demon the one on the right yeah yeah the one who did the bulk of the talk oh wow dude that was making me laugh she was making me laugh but i will tell you this that sucks when people do that and here's what they they always do it in places where it's actually okay to laugh it's never like where is it not okay to laugh well no okay so one time we were laughing so hard at islands the restaurant

in glendale and some guy comes over and he's like i'm trying to have dinner with my family and you're being really loud yeah dude and i was like you're at islands dude there's literally a toucan up here there's like a fucking paper mache toucan above you like you're not a you know what i mean you're not out at like a nice restaurant or a library dude we're laughing having a good time and he was like and then he was like yeah well you're too loud and and then he stood up and walked over and he's like you guys need to be quiet and i said to him i actually said i said sir you don't want me to stand up wow yeah dude he was short too wow is that because is that why he didn't want it because you were gonna make him feel bad for being short and also it would have led to could have could

have led to no fisticuffs we don't fight i don't fight but but he was walking over getting in my face oh okay so obviously i you know i was at a disadvantage because i was like this but he was short yeah but he was short but but but when i was sitting down he was a taller when i stood up he would have been okay i understand how that works yeah so height is different depending on you for sure yeah the worst worse than that is when you have a loud laugh and you're laughing and someone you're with, like a comrade, an ally, tells you to shush. Or. That's the worst.

Or. Okay, it wasn't that funny. Well, there's nothing worse than that. That's a different category. Okay. Because then you're just like, you're like a homing device for ruining the mood. You know what I mean? Like you say that to ruin moods.

I hate that, dude. But when people go, shh, shh, they think you're like upsetting the vibe in a public place or something. Like it's like they're panicked. They're like, shh, shh, shh. Oh, right, right, right. And it's like, I'm laughing and I'm enjoying myself. People are going to like that I'm doing that. If anything, they're probably not even going to notice though.

But honestly, sometimes it is too loud. I've never once thought that in my life. Okay. All right. I mean, people, when they're talking are too loud, but not when they're laughing. Dude, sometimes people are so fucking loud, huh? I really don't like when people talk loud. It's just like, we're all in the same room.

What are you doing? What I don't get is there's a way way to talk how come you don't get it you don't you don't hear yourself there's people are too soft or too loud i mean actually honestly probably they probably don't realize they're too loud because they have a hearing issue or something you think so yeah why else would you be that loud i i i dated this woman and she was just always too loud. And I was just like, you're too loud. And she was like, really? She's like, no, you're too loud. And I'm like, you're pretty loud.

Yeah, but when I'm loud, it's loud by design. It's on purpose. That's even worse. No, it's not because I know where I am. I'm either like in a room full of people holding court, getting the yucks out of them or wow i'm like on stage ripping it okay well nobody's saying you're too loud on stage actually there are people who say that okay well i'm one of them i think you're too loud on stage no i'm just kidding but uh yeah i've i have i mean it's mostly men who i know are too loud one of my friends in particular is like

i want to not be friends with them. Yeah. Oh, you shouldn't. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not anymore. So yeah, I, I, I think that,

uh, it's okay to laugh and have a good time, but here's the deal in the back of your head, even though you're laughing, having a good time. How about this? This is the rule. Always know where you are and be aware of other people.

I think that that's a huge key of it. And if you just keep that in the back of your head, I think that things will probably work out a little bit better for you and the people because you don't want your vibe to get ruined right there's a bottom line is you don't want your vibe to get ruined but well here's the thing if people are coming up to these two women and saying shit like what did they say that they said hey you're laughing too loud you're too loud say something mean back to them there's nothing ruder than being like you're enjoying yourself too much you're fat like this you're enjoying yourself too much you're short you're ugly yeah you're too you gotta zit you're too zitty yeah too zitty you're too

zitty you're too zitty you're two cities all right cool a tale of too zitty awful you know what i'm saying you your podcast should be gone now because you said that a tale of too zitty yeah no it was good all right it should be the title of the episode. No, let's do another one. Hey guys, so I have a pretty funny problem. I'm hoping you can help me out. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over four years. We've been living together for one.

And recently he's been telling me that I am mean to him in my sleep. So I normally go to bed a bit earlier than him so when he gets into bed i'm already asleep and when he tries to cuddle up and get close he says that i make these angry noises and um that i'm just angry and rude to him and i'm not conscious of any of this yep um the only way i even know what's happening is because he'll tell me in the morning. And of course, I don't want to be mean.

But what can I do? I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you, guys. Well, you're not being mean. When you're asleep, you're not awake. You secretly hate him. You're subconscious. You secretly hate him.

No, no, no. Your subconscious is very active when you're sleeping. No. You hate him. You don't even know what's happening. And you can't be held responsible for active when you're sleeping. No. You hate them. You don't even know what's happening, and you can't be held responsible for things when you're sleeping. There are actually cases where people have killed people while they're sleepwalking, and they don't go to jail because they were sleeping. Yeah.

I saw that. They didn't go to jail? No. Whoa, dude. You're not responsible for something that you don't know that you're doing it. Yeah, but then don't. Yeah, but okay. You have to either be willingly or knowingly killing someone. I think, honestly, if you kill someone in your sleep and you get off and you don't have to go to jail, you still have to go to sleep jail.

You have to sleep in jail. That's fucking crazy. No, when you go to sleep, you are in jail. That's what I'm saying. No, I thought you said when you go to sleep, you have to go to jail, in a jail. I'm saying when you're asleep, you dream of being in jail oh you didn't say dream that was obvious but you didn't say dream right pissing me off and i've never been mad at you on the show and then what you're so stupid and i understand what i said how is that

you didn't say you said the same thing you used the same words because i was obviously but i was obviously saying something different because you had just said something so if i say something different it's not going to be the exact same thing you said why not we always do that no never yes we do do what i said was clearly our dad always does that yeah but not me yes you do dude we do that no i don't do it dude you can't be mad at me for using i used certain words in the sentence i said when you go to sleep i don't even get to talk i said when you go to talk i said when you go to sleep you're in jail you said you go to jail when you go to sleep, you're in jail. You said, you go to jail when you go to sleep. That's two different things. Oh, it's the same.

Yay. Dude, it's the same exact thing. No, what? If those sentences were people, they'd be twins. Yay. That's so dumb. No, they're different things. And you know how they're different things?

The words are a different fucking order. Yeah, but you didn't say the word dream, which is the key element to the fucking sentence, dude. I didn't want to say it. Left it out. Dude, you know what? You know it's crazy. You know it's true.

Nope. And later on, you're going to be driving and you're going to be like, I knew it was true. Everything I do. Every note was the same. I do it for you. Do you know that? Did you know that? Def.

I do it for you. Def. Dude, you honestly fucked that up royally. Nah. Because you go to sleep no and then you you have to go check into jail to sleep is what i'm saying that's what you're saying yeah and what you're saying is you go to sleep in jail and i'm like what in jail no no no no no no so bad all right so i think that that's where you need to go to sleep you need to go to a fucking state pen to to go to sleep because you or if you do that but also for you for the young for the young lady you hate him break up with him no dude the guy has to fucking grow a nutsack and understand

that when someone's asleep they're not themselves like you're taking it personally like when you sleep you're just like hello how are you dude when you go cuddle when you go to cuddle someone who normally wants to cuddle but when they're sleeping they're like ah that's not them that's true that's just i mean what a fucking idiot that's the true them no you're the true you when you're sleeping no you're really stupid for saying that you're really stupid the end no dude yeah i was gonna say stupid for saying that but then i stopped short and just said you're really stupid you ever wake up and you got a a like a bone doggie yeah yeah that's that's like the true you by a lot so stupid you don't know you're that horny you wake up you, shit. I didn't know I had a bone dog.

It's not that you're horny. I guess the real me was horny. It's not that you're horny. There's like a thing called morning wood. You wake up with it. I mean, the guy talking to me, there's a thing called morning wood. I know. That's like being like, that's like if fucking Tom Hanks was like, yeah, I was in a little

movie called Saving Private Ryan. I don't know if you know it. I know what morning wood is, dude. Saving Ryan's privates? Dude, you make the worst jokes. It's not true. Saving Ryan's Privates? Dude, you make the worst jokes. It's not true. Saving Ryan's Morning Wood? What's up, Chris and Matt?

My name is... No. Dude. A video game character. Painted it on! A video game character with an 8-bit beard. Dude, that beard is Sharpie. Yeah.

Dude, this is him. No, it's just photoshopped on the screen when he moves it like tracks and it's an instagram filter okay also that's common also that's our producer chris a what our producer chris all right let's see i live in new york so new york we're in timberlands that guy's the most of your nothing is more new york than a fucking light-skinned black dude with a dope beard and tims dude this guy is like yo bronx all day how do you know he's wearing tims you're saying there's no way he's not wearing tims i bet he's not wearing any shoes oh he's wearing tims okay go ahead okay okay matt my name is adam i live in new york city and i like to take girls out on dates um you know i like to go try new restaurants, try new events.

Nothing has been more important. Obviously, whenever I'm on these dates, I pay for everything, and that's completely okay. But the issue that I'm running into is that when I'm on these dates, I'm trying to figure out, is this girl actually here because she's interested in me? She sees a great, handsome young man with a great beard. That's a filter. That's Velcro. No, it's

an actual filter does she just want some guy to pay for her tacos you can see it's moving is that night just a free date oh it is um so i guess my question to you is how can i figure out what their motive is to see if it's genuine or not um chris i'll see you in new york on february 18th hell yeah i'm sorry he's confused about their motivation can you like give me give me an example what he means like what he's saying is he he wants we've talked about this on the episode before and you were like you kind of like kick back on it i was like some women will go on dates just because it's a date and they get to eat food and you still don't believe in that but dude and then i go like this but hoes though but that's not acting like hoes don't exist that that. But dude, and then I go like this. But hoes though.

But that's not. You're acting like hoes don't exist. A thing, dude. That's not a real thing. How is it not a thing, dude? Because I've never encountered it in my life or never even heard of it from like an actual person in my life. Hoes. So you're telling me, we're just going to do the exact same thing we went over on the

other episode. So he's saying, how do I know? Here's the thing. Here's what this guy's talking about. Yes, sometimes a woman is just into you and wants to hang out with you. Yeah.

Sometimes, on the extreme version, if a girl's from Ho City, right? Or just really hungry. If she's the mayor of Hoesville. The only reason to do that is because you're really hungry. Like, she's starving.

If she's the mayor of Hoesville, if she won by a landslide to be the governor of Ho City, right? Okay? Okay, I get it. Okay? Right? And she just went to eat, which is not usual, okay? That's the other end of it. But sometimes, a girl's unsure if she likes you or not yeah

she's like i don't know this guy's got a kick-ass beard is a little bit of upside down head because he should have hair on it more the hair should be longer on the top of his head than it is in the bottom of his head right so um i don't know if i like him so let's see what you got bro yeah well that's normal take him out wine and dine me you know do the thing pull out all the stops be cool but also be a little bit mysterious. Don't do everything. Open the door once, but not on the way home. Because then maybe it's like, oh, we opened the door first, but then he didn't afterwards.

Does he not like me anymore? And then you're in. Just open the door. Or you're mysterious. That's not mysterious to not open a door. It's rude. It's good when you're dating to open the door before you get to the restaurant. And then after the restaurant, you don't open the door.

So the chick is like, does he not like me anymore? Who, what kind of fucking loser are you, dude? I'm just saying it works. What's that guy's name? The guy that used to like neg girls and got famous for? No, that's not. Mysterer or something? I don't do this.

I could write a book on it though. I know how to, you know what I mean? I got something about me that's very, oh, does he like me what's that guy's name mystery mystery mystery that's you no it's not they've got the nail paint and everything you're fucking mystery dude now all you need is a top hat and look more like tommy lee and then you're all set so what i'm saying is that you've got to kind of work with it and it's okay that that a woman is like that it's okay that a woman is like let's see what you got right totally that's what a date is this that. It's okay that a woman is like, let's see what you got. Right? Totally. That's what a date is.

This dude is a very handsome dude. You could tell, even though he's got that bullshit filter on. But my question is, is he asking, how does he tell the difference between the kind of women who are like, I want to see what you got

versus the kind of women that like him? I think what he, no, what I think he's doing is, what I think he's doing is saying, how do I know if a girl really likes me or not?

I think that if you, you know, I think he's asking. I know how, and I a girl really likes me or not i think that if you you know i think i know how and i have a good i have a good way it's better than your way okay so uh i'll like we're on a date you're the woman i'm the man and i'm just like okay now i'm gonna just go ahead we're gonna go okay well have you seen any good movies lately um yeah what were they what have you seen lately i saw blue do you really like me and then they'll she'll be so caught off guard that you that she'll have to answer i don't have time to think of a lie but you i don't you don't want to know about blue street blue street was in 1998 with martin lawrence and luke wilson martin lawrence isn't it steve's on more movies or it's who i said oh wow dude instead of such a fucking raging dickhead wow wow all right well let's do another one then is there another light on that wasn't on there is yeah oh the door the window's open but that's okay we like it okay

it's nice if it's changing the aesthetic though it's not oh is it bouncing on us foreign okay let's do it okay a gym floor i think i just got sunnier no i didn't hear a word you said anthony that's obvious but he said i think i got sunnier outside okay cool what's up chris and matt my name is brian crady and i live in chicago and i've been taking voice lessons lessons for like two to three years. And I write songs and I do open mics and stuff like that. And it's fun. But I'm still getting better at singing.

I've improved a lot, but got a lot more work to do. And I can't sing with vibrato. And Chris, I know that you have silky smooth vibrato that you whip out at a moment's notice. And it's actually really impressive, I think. I think it's really impressive. So I want to know, have you ever done voice exercises?

I can't picture you doing voice exercises, but have you? Or do you have any tips for me for developing vibrato can you show me how to do it uh you're a serial killer dude yeah i thought that right when i saw an actual serial killer right when i saw him he has only killed two people so far but in total before he gets caught he will have killed 12. and he'll get caught when he does like three at once and it's too many bites off more than he can yeah yeah he's he's uh a good looking dude and honestly let me just say this so was fucking you know congrats on here's a guy who's got a good

attitude about shit he's doing the work he's going to voice lessons he says i have a lot more work to do i'm working on my voice i'm doing open mics that's great there are so many people that just want to be famous and shit yeah that this kind of attitude is necessary and it's like it's fallen by the wayside now and we understand why because people just want the instant yeah big and all that shit but um so props to this guy here's the other thing you don't need vibrato you don't need vibrato of course i can do it but there's the proof that you don't need vibrato you don't need to because if i was just like of course i can do it you get the silky

smooth shit god i honestly cannot describe how much i hate when you do that all right well that's more you than me i look i'm whatever i'm just saying i hate it i hate it why because it's it's ugly sounding to my ears dude yeah it's bad okay well you don't like rozelle and me who oh rozelle yeah i mean it's josh groban's like not my thing that's all oh you do the you actually don't like that kind of stuff in general? Yeah, dude. Obviously. Oh, I thought it was just me. Well, I dislike it extra when you do it. No, I don't like vibrato.

Okay, well, I'm going to have to keep doing it because I especially have to do it for this segment. Yeah, this guy loves it. But the dude, it's fine. Work on it if you want. That's fine. But also, you don't need to. It's really dope if you can just hold the note and fucking like just kind of like edge it out with no vibrato that's awesome it's awesome to do that i understand but

but here's the thing and i don't and this is a negative way of saying this but i don't mean to be negative because you can kill it like this stay in your lane dude stay in your fucking lane if your lane is killer do you dude jeff ross he does the shit he does the roasting that's his lane he kills it on that shit he's not the guy that's going to come out and do political humor you understand what i'm saying so just stay in your lane you can make a lot of money doing that shit you know i'm saying you don't need to be oh you don't need to do that you can just what i'm saying is stay in your lane you know it's ill to do that i can't do either one right but everyone knows i'm a better singer than you no so my advice is by the way dude why does everyone say that you should get the dangly

earring did i don't know everybody online is saying matt should get the dangly earring not me when i fucking decided to get the dangly earring first because i'm it's it i i understand why it's hard to explain it's like maybe you won't get it because you're not on our level but we all understand that it more it fits my persona and my head more than it fits yours for for sure. Okay, so it's a head thing? I think so, yeah. It's a persona thing? You don't look good in hats? Yeah.

I do. Is it more of a persona thing or more of a head thing? It's a little bit of both, to be perfectly honest. If you want to know the truth, it's a little bit of both. It just sucks, dude. I want to get it. Well, then get it. We'll both have it.

But that's on you. I'm getting it. The gay side or the... Oh, is that still a thing? right side i don't know i would do both i'm gonna get the gay side okay i'm not gonna do any gay shit you get one i get the other one we put our heads together it looks like we're one head i'm not gonna i'm not gonna i'm gonna get the gay side is that still even a thing dude i don't know but i'm gonna get everything dude i mean i can't even say what i'm gonna say but it's like yeah it was a thing george michael had it i mean that he sucked massive stuff but that's correlation the word because we'll get demonetized correlation not causation that doesn't mean he did

it because he was gay it just means george michael who was gay had it well you know history is gonna tell because probably like way back when it wasn't gay and then it was gay and now it's not gay and then it's like i'm gonna get the gay side and i'm not gonna do any gay stuff no okay well i'm gonna get it i don't even know i don't even think that's a thing anymore honestly okay so you're gonna get the dangly earring yes i want to know what size you're getting because i'm getting a bigger size you're gonna walk around like this uh i'm gonna get the berry bombs like this why are you holding it because if i let it go my ear stretches dude i start to look how about the people with what chris what do they call the earrings with the what do they call those again gauge dude gauges how about you get that how about you get that you gotta start small but i honestly do not like that that's disgusting it's

disgusting yeah but it is cool because like you know what it is actually really nice for is because sometimes like with hoop earrings you like if people have big earrings it's blocking shit but if you have a circle you can and you're behind them in the movie theater you could just watch a movie through that well i think it's good especially when you get shot at because you can get out of the way and then just go like no no, and hold your ear up so the bullet goes through your ear. So unnecessary, also so dangerous. Hey, hey.

Is it going to get a shot? Pew, pew, pew. All right, cool. Yeah. All right, cool. I missed. I missed. I was bleeding.

All right. Next one. Chris and Matt. My name is Nicole. Is that a tattoo? Nice. That's cool. I love both the podcasts. I got to get it. Face Nicole. I'm a woman in Dallas. Love both the podcasts. And my

question today is about relationships. So I frequently find myself in friends with benefits situations when I truly want a committed relationship. And so my first question is, is there anything I as the woman could do once I'm in a situation like that to help progress it into a relationship or at that point is it just too late and follow-up question from the guy's perspective I'm just curious what makes you decide you want a committed relationship versus a hookup all right thanks love you guys wow that is such a very sweet such a hookup. All right. Thanks. Love you guys. Wow. That is such a good question. It is a good question. You know why it's such a good question?

I wish I knew the answer to the second part. Because you can't. I wish I knew the answer to the second part. What part? The part about? What makes you not want to advance the relationship with some women versus wanting to advance the relationship with other women. So for me, I could speak with personal experience.

It's always been, well, not always, but like with Kristen. When I met Kristen, I just knew immediately, immediately that this was a woman that you just, I wanted to be with. It was immediate. It was like her energy. I always describe it as her energy you know and it was just so obvious and so apparent and then she gelled so well with me now has that

happened with other women before in my past uh yeah but it hasn't always been that sometimes you try to make a relationship work here's the deal she's still young and she can figure it out it's a fair question but um i think it's always about a thing. I think you know really, really early on. But yeah, I guess. But what she's asking is something a little different though. I know because I'm smart. I think that the first question you have, which is like what can you do to put things more on one track as opposed to the other? I think it's – I don't even know the answer to that either, to be honest.

But like, I think that maybe, maybe it's, I mean, I don't know you and I don't know your patterns. So it's harder to say. I would ask you questions if you were still here with us. But maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are like kind of in a hurry and one thing that scares a lot of men is like when they sense that the woman that they've started to date is in a hurry to get into a relationship it's not even that they don't want to get in a relationship is that they start to get a little like scared and that makes that sort of repels them oh it's almost like biological physiological that a lot of men have this thing where they're just like

oh she wants to be with me so badly now i'm like a little bit cautious and scared to do the same it's almost like they don't understand why you would want to be in a relationship with them because yeah you know i mean like yeah i get that yeah i um that's like a that's like a nice reading for the towards the man if you're looking for something you can do generous that is tangible uh the only thing i say and this doesn't necessarily work with every guy but i think generally if you just don't rush into bed with them if you're specifically saying rushing to bed i'm saying specifically don't rush into bed with them i'm just saying specifically don't rush broadly don't rush you're specifically saying bed bed yes okay because i'm saying you because you can sleep with somebody right away but not rush into the relationship but what i'm saying is don't rush physically but haven't you yes i have

two so like that's why i'm saying i'm i'm different but i'm saying generally but i think most oh really yeah i'm saying generally i think most guys are like that well that's why I'm saying I'm, I'm different, but I'm saying generally, but I think most, oh really? Yeah. I'm saying generally, I think most guys are like that. Well, that's stupid. It is stupid. Guys are dumb in that situation, in that way. I think that if you sleep with somebody, first of all, like, I don't think that that's bad at all. I, I, I, I've been married twice and both times I I've been married.

Uh, that wasn't an issue. Like you just, you, you meet them and you know you like them immediately and it's just off to the races. You go at the pace at which you feel comfortable. Yes, exactly. And I think that you can sleep someone on the first night and be married to them and live long and happy with them.

But I think generally guys are, they're less, I think that generally, and I think that this is a shortcoming for men generally, is that if you meet them and you sleep with them, that they discount you. And I think that that's shitty,

but I think most men are like that. They think, oh, she probably does that a lot. I can't be with a girl that does that a lot. Well, that sucks though because then these stupid ass motherfucking guys

are basically punishing women for being confident enough to know that they're interested. Correct. To go along with what their intuitions are. Hey, guys, don't be like that. No, I know. I agree. I agree.

Good question, because the advice is now for all the guys out there, just because a woman wants to have sex with you on the earlier side of things it doesn't mean anything about them to like in terms of like a snap judgment it's just every individual is different she wanted to exactly i think that that's great and healthy and if a woman does that and knows that that's what she wants and that's what she did then that's great and that's that's that's a person that i would want to be with because of how much they knew about themselves

and they're not doing something because they think it's wrong or think it's right. They're just doing it because they want to. Everybody's different though. Unfortunately, you want to score,

you score. Unfortunately, you're probably right that most guys do. Yeah, because guys are fucking idiots in that way. They're just like,

they think in black and white, slut or, you know what I mean? Madonna. Madonna Worthy. Yeah, dude. What do you mean still, bro? There's still racism out there out there well that's not what we're talking about but i know but i'm saying that we progress and people think that we're moving forward as a country and as a uh

a whole in society but we're really we're not you know i mean we are except for there's always going to be north florida yeah do you know i'm saying yeah so it's like yeah you can you can say most guys most guys don't do that but then yeah, you can say most guys don't do that, but then also Jacksonville, right? Most guys don't do that, but also Daytona, right? Yeah. Most guys don't do that, but also Tallahassee, right? These are these places that are real.

Did you say Jacksonville? I did, yeah. Okay, yeah. That was the first one I said. A goldfish. Don't remember shit. I don't. I really don't.

I have a bad, bad shortcoming. So yeah, I think that if you're looking for something tangible, just don't give it up on the first night which sucks even if you want to it's just like guys are idiots about that shit but also guys are like yeah let's do it let's do it so what the fuck is yeah because they're wanting because here's the deal if you ask a guy usually generally again if you ask a guy well meet your meet your dream girl, okay? In every aspect. You ask a guy, you want to sleep with her now or you want to sleep with her in a month? They're going to be like, now.

Then why do they take that information and then hold it against them? They do that. That's just what happens. Why is what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm not a fucking psychologist, but that's what happens.

And then their dream girl becomes, oh, not necessarily their dream girl. Don't like that. I don't like it either. Guys are fucking, that's stupid. Well, I don't do that and you don't do that but i'm saying guys do that we're talking about just people people are you know all right all right cool two hats on all right so yeah we'll do another one but yeah look how much taller i look with this well yeah you have two hats on

okay okay the worst the worst style yo what up matt and chris my name is chase i'm from east texas what up chase we'll work on My name's Chase. I'm from East Texas. What up, Chase? Well, you're obviously a musician. We'll work on the house. Oh, okay. Love the show. Love you guys.

Wish you guys would do more episodes, but I understand having a brother, it's tough to be around him for more than an hour a week. Yeah, you know what's up. I have a question that refers back to an older episode where the guy asked about how to deal with interrupters. I have a question about being the interrupter i am the interrupter oh wow do it good on you but the reason that i do it is so i can get my words and if i don't i just don't get it in the conversation blows by me um at work the

discussion like if i don't agree with something or i need to tag something in there it just doesn't happen you know my mind doesn't work like it used to probably due to all the herb i used to smoke but how do i interrupt without being a dick would love the help thanks so much love you guys well you can get the oops buttons at chrislea.com and those help and you're a dick but that's owning the situation i'm a dick oops i'll be the dick for you right i can tell you right now okay as simple as this excuse me i'm sorry but then you do that yeah that's what excuse me was invented for right besides getting it out of somebody's way you could rip a loud fart too no that's then i farted but not only are you still an asshole but you're involving your asshole oh

my god double assholing oh god i farted i'm sorry i didn't an asshole but you're involving your asshole oh my god double assholing oh god i farted i'm sorry i didn't mean to but anyway what i was gonna say is wow yeah well we're segue dude i i was going to bed last night and well actually i i put calvin in bed kristen's out of town so i put calvin in bed and um i laid he said that were you away with me for a bit and i laid with him for a bit and we were just chilling and then i hear and i go i look at him and he goes and i was like oh my god that's hilarious and then i did it and then he goes oh yuck it was really cute that now he knows that farts are funny and also disgusting it's true but to get to this guy's question um i i don't there yeah you're right you just say excuse me but but here's the thing you get

so chomping at the bit you're this guy and you've been this guy for so long that you get so chomping at the bit that you're like but what i want to say matters but here's the thing though dude yeah you're right yeah so you gotta you gotta work on listening and you gotta you know but also you gotta understand what you're gonna say doesn't matter it doesn't that's the thing it really doesn't that's the key usually it doesn't matter because people are just gonna say what you're going to say doesn't matter. It doesn't. That's the thing. It really doesn't. That's the key. Usually it doesn't matter because people are just going to say what they're going to say anyway. So if there's an argument, basically there's a lost cause. Wait, what?

It's a lost cause. If you're having an argument, it's a lost cause anyway if nobody listens to anyone. Yes. Dude, nobody listens to anyone. If people followed that train of thought, then no one would ever talk to anybody. So that's not going to work. The categorical imperative says that it's not a fruitful selection agent smith the categorical so what you do is either say excuse me or just simply oh i'm sorry but i

gotta say i gotta say like address your interruption pardon the motherfucking you could be like busy bone but just address the interruption acknowledge the interruption that alone makes it way less assholey how about that for interruption i didn't care i bulldozed right through that fucking rudeness um yeah it's uh well that's nice to know that you're an interrupter look the step first step is you got the problem and you realize it and you're addressing it and that's nice to know that you're an interrupter look the step first step is you got the problem and you realize it and you're addressing it and that's okay uh and you got to work on it you know but that's that those are the two things excuse me actually um but you guys it's the tone thing too because kristen always is like you got a tone when you say excuse me well no but i'm like there's different ways of saying like i just want to can i can i say what i was going to say like that's

rude though right right but like excuse me though but like no i understand but excuse me sorry and i don't mean to interrupt i still sound like a dick i can't help it some people just have that yeah but be genuinely mean sorry when you say it you can't just say it as lip service like you do i'm very sorry so so you could be like i'm very sorry i understand what you're saying yeah um i just want to kind of throw something in there i already sound like a dick i can't help it i mean then don't sound like a dick go out of your way to sound less like a dick i'm sorry i just want to say why are you canadian why are you being canadian i'm so sorry um about about what you're saying so so then how

do you do it can you do it oh i'm sorry i i just i feel like uh i have to say something uh i'm sorry oh excuse me sorry i i'm gonna forget if i don't say okay okay let me try that sounds just as rude do you you guys sound equally the same so i don't think he sounds rude yeah i don't sound rude you sound rude okay well you don't know what you're doing because you're you i'm listening to me okay i'm sorry i just um i'm gonna forget oh i'm gonna forget that see that's good here's what here's what it is here's what here's the difference you act like it's all coming at you then and you're apologizing for that you're not just like oh and yeah oh i'm sorry oh dude i'm so sorry yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna think of this right now you're a piece of shit yeah that's it that's perfect you're

a piece of shit that's perfect what you're saying is shitty yeah no that's great yeah my turn my turn my turn go like this um yeah honestly though he's right the the it's so important we all have our shortcomings and it's so important to understand what those are and not think that we're up to snuff in every fucking possible department because nobody is and people who think they're like as this as everyone else and as that as everyone else or as the best of them it's just not true nobody's the best at everything and so like people that aren't for instance people who aren't funny and know they're not funny automatic leg up on everybody else who isn't funny and thinks that they're funny hold on people that are dumb and are like i'm not that

smart they're better than people who are dumb and think they're smart right right right right yeah just two examples yeah yeah true everybody kind of so it applies to this guy who's like oh man i'm a dick i interrupt but like i don't want to be so that already makes you better and so when you interrupt you will already be less of a fucking asshole when you yeah yeah yeah feel that ah that's it that's what you're working with feel that feel that what you're you know you sent in a video to lifeline feel that what you felt when you sent to lifeline when you're having a conversation with somebody there we go we did it picture my face picture my face picture my green beanie picture my fucking ab fab shirt that says i'm patsy stone i'm 39 okay picture all right picture matt yeah okay well look i'm gonna be in new york i'm gonna be in louisiana tonight i'm gonna be in new york uh in two weeks and chicago uh boise uh minneapolis

god it would be great if you put up my thing, right? Still hitting that hard S on Boise, huh? Boise. Yeah. So still doing that? Okay. That's what it is.

Okay. Okay. So Providence, Rhode Island, Kansas City, Springfield, Tulsa, Midland, Texas, Austin. Two shows there in Austin.

Cincinnati. We're killing it, dude. We're having a good time Chris Lee don't push me tour uh and uh I put some clips of my stand-up up on my Chris Lee official channel go check those out thanks a lot guys Michael Machines uh mattalea.com for one-on-one sessions with me Mattalea talk about your problems give specific one-on-one advice we go back and forth with it. It's more personalized. Book me now,

mattjalee.com and get your merch at, what is it? Lifelinemerch.com Lifelinemerch.com and yeah, if you have a question, click in the, click the link

in the description below or go to watchlifeline.com Bing bong. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Will you please Bing bong.