Lifeline - 45. Interestingly Bad

Episode Date: February 19, 2023

👉 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/lifeline 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. Thank you so much for your questions. Keep them coming! Today, we talk about the worries of AI and ChatGPT for professionals, courtesy laughing at comedy shows, karaoke songs for actual singers, how to correct people when they mispronounce things, reforming good habits that have disappeared, and what to do when someone smells too good. 📆 Book 20 min or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only. If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or a licensed professional. And Lifeline. Trying to kill a fly. Here we are. It's here we are it's lifeline again i understand what i said it's lifeline again i understand it's funny what you said i could have said that oh i i bring a really unique voice and i'm funny too dude so don't try to be like you know I'm saying? I actually do know what you're saying. There we go. So, but whatever, you know.

So look, man, we have another episode of Lifeline. We're about to start another episode of Lifeline. It's all good. And we're having a good time. Yeah, we are having a good time. Having a good time. Having a good time. Yeah.

And I'll tell you this much. We got a new camera to cover the two producers. And that's great. Oh, we did? Yeah, it's right there. And it's great to have that because, you know, every now and then they want to pop some shit and say some shit. We got Anthony mic'd up finally, and it's good. Right? Yeah.

Great. Anthony's back's feeling good today. That's good. His back's feeling good because his back wasn't feeling good for a bit. And it's weird to just say that without context, and that's good his back's feeling good because his back wasn't feeling good for a bit um and uh it's weird to just say that without context and that's fine but if you say anthony's back's feeling good today it implies that his back hasn't been feeling good right but then people but when you say anthony's back's feeling good today people think well wait hold on what happened and now i have to explain it you don't have to explain right but then okay well you do have to explain

it because it's a podcast it's not a fucking movie made by like, you know what I mean? Darren Aronofsky. Wow. And you'd just be like, well, the audience will think what it thinks. What if Darren Aronofsky directed this podcast? Wow, dude.

It would be like so... It would be all handheld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shaky. All close-ups. Yeah. And something biblical would happen.

Biblical as in good or biblical as in religious? And then the movie would be bad. Okay. The religious one. It's a hater. It's a hater. And somebody would drill something into their head. Isn't or biblical as in religious? And then the movie would be bad. The religious one. It's a hater. It's a hater. And somebody would drill something into their head.

Isn't that what happens in Pi? Ruined it. Wow. So look. Pi is so old. Yeah, it's an old movie. It's in black and white. It was in the 40s.

So look, I was on my way here and got out of my car. Well, got to take a sip. That's great. Okay. Well, this story's terrible so far yeah but it really ramps up uh i was getting out of the car i walked by uh i was coming into the building this guy was riding a bicycle like one of these like with pretty wide handlebars not like a schwinn like one that like is an older one that looked like it could fall apart very easily like the kind of bike that looks like a cruiser hanging on the cliff yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah i mean it wasn't like he was fucking

get your motor on and down and oh okay it was but it was a cruiser like with a banana seat you know i'm talking about yeah the seat that comes up and scoops the your back right and he was riding on it past me i mean the guy had to be in his 50s yeah had a one of those fbi like police badges not fbi but a police badge like he was in uh what's that show with michael chiklis oh the commish the shield the shield yeah and on one of these cruisers with the banana on it okay that that what was he and my question is now what the hell do you think he was doing a being a cop on his day off letting people know flexing it though that he's also a cop so don't start anything or crazy person because we

are where was it downtown right outside it was a crazy guy there's not even a question like it though but but he was but why did he have the badge the bitch wait i'm i'm from chicago why do you have the badge uh because he's crazy so how did he get the badge you can get a badge made dude i was just listening to a podcast episode about a guy who pretended he was a cop all the time and made like special made badges i want to do that also maybe he stole a badge from a cop right it is pretty crazy down here i mean down on skid row dude did you get badges for anything right down the street down on skid row what do you mean down the street? There's a...

I got a guy. Like an army surplus store. I got a guy. They sell badges there. I got a guy. I got the bike and the badge at the same place. Okay.

I got a guy. So, yeah. So, anyway, that was what happened and I wanted to get your take on it. Well, the take is crazy person. Okay. Because we're downtown.

Downtown or Hollywood, if you ever have a question of is that person really what they look like they are or are they a crazy person the answer is always a crazy person i guess so yeah i guess you're probably right the other day i was in hollywood and i saw a guy dressed like barney the dinosaur was it really barney he was running across the street and i thought the same thing is that really barney or is that a crazy guy and i think it was a crazy guy. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's great. Are you going to get more tattoos?

Yeah. Are you going to get covered? No. I am. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You see my tattoos?

Whoa. You got two in the same place. That's pretty. If I get another one, I'm going to get it in the same place. Why? Let me see here. Oh, because I feel like it. All right, man.

I know. You know, you don't have to be like that because i'm the boss of me why i don't know i don't like here's why okay i don't like tattoos that are like all over the body so at first you will at the very at least at the very outset i wanted my first two to be in the same place you will you'll come around shut up you will you know what i mean dude how annoying is it when someone's like you will yeah that's i hate that more than anything i know you do that know what i mean dude how annoying is it when someone's like you will yeah that's i hate that more than anything i know you do that's why i did it i hate that's why i did it okay bad brother well no i didn't want to because i wanted to open the door and talk about how much you hate it okay charlie rose um dude um all right so what's been going on with you man i was on the

road i was home did you not want to talk about that? Okay. Oh, yeah. How was the road? It was good. I'm going to be in New York coming up here on the 18th. I will be in Rhode Island. I will be in Kansas City, Missouri. I will be in Tulsa. I will be in Minneapolis.

I will be in Austin. I will be in Midland, Texas, Milwaukee. ChrisLeah.com and many more for tickets, chrislea.com. And that's what's up, Salt Lake City, Boise. Let's have a good time, dude. Don't push me. Remember, don't push me. Yeah.

Minicropolis. No. Cincinnati. No. Weird. You're going to slip into a racist thing. No, I'm not, because I'm not racist. Slip into a racist thing.

No, I'm not. My mistake, though. So, yeah. So, I am – it was good. I was in New Orleans. I was in different places. It doesn't really matter. Wow, bailed on yourself so fucking hard.

It doesn't matter. I'll talk about it on my podcast. Congratulations. Dude, I've been dealing with some pretty real stuff on my one-on-one sessions. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, that's cool. People get pretty serious with me on there.

And then I hang up on them and block them forever. I really walk them, help them through their issues. And I'm a really good guy to bounce stuff off of. And I knew that all along. But the thing is, now it's proven because I've been doing this for a while now. We're therapists. And people really, really love it. And you're welcome. Okay, so go to mattalia.com to get the one-on-one advice sessions.

Yeah. And go to WatchLifeline.com if you have a question. Click the link in the description below. And the new LL merch, Lifeline merch, is LifelineMerch.com. LL. What pisses me off is you ran too fast through with my MattDelia.com thing. No way. Because you talked about it so much.

You did it fast. But you talked about it so much. So I say, oh, it's MattDelia.com. you might no but that's it that's what you did the heavy lifting and then i was like by the way it's at mattalee.com i was like ring ring through the neighborhood on a bike and you just went through it police badge on yeah with the police badge all right um so yeah i haven't seen you in how long has Has it been a while? I guess. I think so. Last two weeks ago? Last week?

Last week, yeah. We're getting construction done at the house. And Calvin, you know how like you'll be getting construction done and it'll be like you'll just be hanging out. And then all of a sudden you'll just hear like, meow, meow, meow, meow. And you're just like, are they drilling or what's happening? Are they putting boards up on the sides you know are they scratching the house and cal every time he does it cal goes like this i tooted

every time yep so how often is he saying i tooted 57 times a day it's not happening that much oh it'll be like every now and a bit you know and so how does he say it how does he say it he says i tooted and then i laugh and then he laughs what's up with kids finding out that something they did is funny and then never stopping doing that thing ever ever ever i'm still in that phase yeah i know yeah i never stopped doing that yeah but that's that's when you're an adult it's annoying when you're a kid it's really annoying no because at least when you're an adult you know how to like kind of do it operate it in a way that's not super annoying but as a kid it's just like like i was with calvin the other day and you weren't there i wasn't and he was like

i made a joke about sneezing a certain way you did i did okay and then he immediately after i did it started doing the exact same thing really and making it so that it wasn't funny anymore no it was still funny no it was cute it wasn't funny anymore though uh yes it was okay i'll argue with you on that okay what was the thing i made him laugh by saying i sneezed like this okay and then he laughed really hard and he said, I go like this. Ah, ah, ah, snake. Ah, ah, ah, pumpkin. Ah, ah, ah, watermelon. And it was just like, oh, yeah, it's great.

And I can see how that would keep being funny no matter how many times you do it. Wow, okay. You're biased. You're biased. What? You're biased. There really is a fly. What's your mind?

How weird is that, dude? How weird is that? There really is a fly. What's your mind? How weird is that, dude? How weird is that? There really is a fly. What about the fact that you used to sing the Lucky Dog song? Yeah, when I was a kid. I bet that was terrible. I'm a lucky dog. I'm a lucky dog.

I didn't know everyone was listening to me. I go, I'm a lucky dog. And then I stopped and everyone clapped at the dining table, felt shame. All good. No, but then you sang it all the time to make people laugh. Okay. I think I probably did it. That was one of the last times I did it.

Wow. I'm being honest. You retired it at that point? Yeah. Everyone was laughing, clapping at me. They thought it was cute, and I was like,

gosh, shit, I really actually thought it was rocking, and they think I'm cute. This is actually crappy. Made me feel shame. Set me up for the rest of my life, so now I deal with shame,

so it's all good. But it's all good, though. How old were you? When I did that? Yes. Well, we moved to la when

i was 12 so before that i don't know not at all i don't know how long before that i mean i mean obviously you were before 12 i have no idea though okay um so anyway dude you know we could get into some stuff here you want to get into some stuff yeah okay well don't be shitty about it i mean yeah duh all right whoa chris minecraft huge fan of the podcast it's the best podcast out there in my opinion i'm an animator and graphic designer and i'm starting to worry about ai developing at a rapid pace i'm not sure if it's a threat or an ally to designers and the industry. I've already lost clients. Should I be worried? What are your thoughts on AI, such as chat GPT and mid-journey, affecting the creative field?

Anyways, here are your images made with mid-journey. Here is Matt on an airplane after terrifying all of the passengers with his xanax freakout whoa and here is chris looking dope as fuck look what it says i'm not sure why it says phil fillin on his shirt thanks guys wow that was max headroom that's my favorite guy because he involved me in it okay look and an image of me was in it okay it's my favorite one okay you know so i was just thinking about this actually i think we're all thinking about this a lot lately because everyone's scared because everyone knows it's happening it's bad it's coming for truck everyone from truck drivers to you're done screenwriters screen everybody in

between yeah designers done absolutely done you should be worried without question you should be worried yep uh you should already be thinking about ways that you can... Be a doctor. No. Dude, doctors are way out. They're done. Yeah, I know. Are you kidding me? Doctors are going to be the first ones that are out. I know.

Imagine going to medical school for nine years, and then at the very end, they're just like, no, we don't need proctologists. We don't need... We got this robot that goes inside your ass, and you don't even feel it, and it cures everything you ever had in your ass. Oh.

Disgusting. oh disgusting so painful so painful so so painful yeah but it feels strangely good because it's the robot and it knows how to do it i think everybody is going to be at the very least like slightly touched by the ai boom but it's not going to happen like right away. You look like you're in your 30s. You'll probably be fine. I don't know. It happens really bad and exponential. It does, but like the full takeover, I think will take a while.

What's going to happen is there's going to start being laws that protect workers in all fields. Because they try to get away? No,'s okay what go ahead hello no help no help all fixed oh my god why are they trying to get away because it hurts but the robot knows why would they do it if it hurts then it's it's the whole point is that the AI does it in a way that doesn't hurt. They have to take the cancer out. Anyway, okay.

Anyway. Relax. The government is going to, at least in places like America, going to come up with laws that prohibit the AI to take away certain jobs. But in places like China and Russia, they're not going to prohibit that shit. So in China, they're going to have the greatest AI shit ever, and no one will have jobs there anymore but the government won't give a shit here they're gonna try to prolong it as long

as possible but it still won't matter in china oh no oh no oh oh relax catch these tunes we built this city we built this city on rock and roll oh it's a good song we built this city okay you good yeah okay um and then so but that'll be china that's the most chinese song to play too no it's not it is dude if you think about it okay it is maybe you talked me into it all right all right cool uh but yeah i want to do that but so bad you kept talking dude everyone is screwed with ai i know it's just everyone is messed up and it's not gonna be good for anybody what do you think the last job will be that uh is okay fine like wait what do you mean at the last job that ai could possibly take over because it's such a human uh i mean i think i think actually athletes because no one cares if a non-human can win

because they know it can. Right, right, right. So anything athletic, most competition things, no one is going to want to attend or care if something non-human is doing it. Right. Sports. But that's, I mean, that's such a limited arena. I know.

So few people are good enough at sports to play them. Maybe art, you know, like painting. See, yeah, I think that, but I guarantee you something in five, six years is going to change our minds about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be like, well, they're going to like understand abstraction or something,

you know what I mean? Which is the thing that's missing. You know, the human element is always like the creative part, but this chat GPT stuff, it's like it writes better on the spot stories than i mean they used to weekend yeah and they used to have agents like cover like junior agents cover what the scripts are about and now you can just have chat gpt do that yes and they write better log lines than you and they do it in a fucking second yes so it's crazy dude but but proctologist for sure is gone yeah surgeons are maybe not doctors who are like

gps and prognosticators or whatever you call them yeah but or diagnosticians you know i'm saying yeah okay cool because i don't but not diagnosticians because that will be able to they'll put little bugs in your thing and they'll go and it'll be like i know what it is for some stuff but sometimes there's like a like a suite of symptoms that only a human would be able to know because it's like i don't think so okay well i don't think you're right but i'm telling you a little bit but think about it for a little bit okay oh i'm right you didn't think about it you just i mean you might be right but i'm saying that's the ones who diagnose are going to be they're the longest surgeons are out as who diagnose are going to be there the longest.

Surgeons are out. Yeah, because the doctor will be like, the doctor bot will be like. Oh, wait, it is has actually nothing to do with the anus. My bad. What the heck? Now it's okay. No lawsuit, please. When I went in for surgery for my sinuses, the drip of the drugs took like too long.

Oh, no. No. Yes. Oh, no. Because long term. But like there was the single best feeling I've ever had was the slow drip of falling under. It was terrible, dude. That scares me. Because in retrospect, it's because it's the best feeling I have, and I'll never have a better feeling.

Oh, no. What was it that they were giving you? E? They were giving you E and Molly? I have no idea. I actually don't know. The doctor comes out with some powder. He's like, here you go.

And you're like, what was that? Oh, my God. Oh, dude. They were playing Fat Bottom Girls. No, they were playing fat bottom girls no they were playing flat fat bottom girls by queen really yeah for real oh wow and then one of the doctors was singing and they were like hey like when i came in it was like i was like whoa everybody's so happy why did it feel so good because of the drug what did it feel like it felt like i weighed nothing it felt like nothing in the world could possibly matter oh wow and i felt so just happy

was it euphoric truly euphoric wow did it feel better than boston i mean so by so much what that isn't common it felt because it was way more all-encompassing oh it wasn't just like a uh it wasn't located anywhere it was every it was, everywhere about everything. It's about to start coming. So I'm coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific, right? So yeah, that's me. So yeah, you're worried. You're fucked, dude. Everyone's fucked.

The designer's totally screwed. He said he's already losing clients. Yeah, nobody's not going to be touched by this. You should be very scared. Yeah. That's it. Even stand-up comedy, The bot and on uh south park have you ever seen the funny bot thing no no it's so funny dude they they they do comedy awards and

germans come in last place and they're like we are funny and then they make a funny bot that's great and then the funny bot does a joke and the german guy has like a gun and he's like yeah so who's funny now like oh wow that's cool it's really funny south park is the funniest show it's funny it's very funny okay let's do it chris marco what's up guys i've got a question about being an audience member at a stand-up show that is not going well is it nice to give a comedian pity laughs or is it better feedback to not laugh at all and let them know that they're bombing good question let me know what you think yeah either leave or don't laugh unless you want to laugh geez really yeah why i would think the opposite give them a little bit of a chuckle yeah uh people always tell me at comedy shows they feel bad if no one's laughing right then

if that's true though why is no one laughing see what i'm saying well if everybody feels bad that someone's bombing then why is no one courtesy laughing because some people in those situations it's pretty rare that people are laughing just to be nice i don't know it's just like an open mic you know right yeah uh i mean you could tell what those kinds of laughs are and they're awful and when i hear them which is never but you know it did the worst you hear them for other people and it's like oh this is terrible i'd rather just not laughing at all you need to be good you need to be good you're not going to get good there needs to be stand up is hard because it's fucking hard you can't do it and and coast this is like you're gonna you're gonna do and get these pity laughs from friends this is why a lot of these

fucking people get like nowadays netflix specials and shit because they're just like you know they fit a bill or some shit and it's like and they're not actually funny yeah it happens all the time and uh that's true yeah i mean there's a different they call it claptor you know where people are just like it's like they're more just like applauding the person doing it oh i've never heard that yeah it's a funny term but it's just like dude laugh motherfucker yeah like i don't give a shit about the the the the i mean i care about the points you're making but secondary to being funny dude yeah you know it's like you're not dave chappelle up there like you already did everything and now you can talk about whatever you want yeah right yeah motherfuckers don't know who you are yeah be funny wow but but seriously like these people are out there and it's

like oh like dude stand-up's hard as fuck bro you need it to be hard otherwise people won't be good it's not it's not something that's by the numbers right like there's not a definitive oh you're good or not it's like you just have to be utterly hilarious i guess ai would be one of the last things that maybe yeah comedy would be one of the last things that ai maybe but it's like i'm dude i don't know i obviously feel a certain way about this but like dude there's like you can get a fan base by being okay but like you can't you can't like be in the middle of a lineup and be okay you suck like you need to go and you need to make motherfuckers laugh and some people just go up and they're fine and those people are forgotten about in a room of 300 yes like you like when you

go to the laugh factory when you go to these clubs like these most of the time like on a week on a weekend you get these people who can kill some are famous some are not famous but they kill and every now and then there's a weak link because of somebody because of this and that because it's a friend of a person and they fucking utterly blow they utterly blow and everyone in the audience is like this does it make people leave sometimes so you're saying the audience does it right then they don't laugh or anything they shouldn't but you're saying they don't sometimes yeah okay yes yes yes they don't they don't i mean sometimes they're like okay well this is the laugh factory and like ha ha. But like you go to some of these fucking shows like at the comedy store late at night. Like the bills on this shit, they're just fucking terrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're terrible. And, you know, I get it. Like they coast off the brand and that's fine. But, you know, dude, if I'm on a show and there are terrible comedians, it fucking sucks for me. I want people to think – I want some people to think I was sucks for me. I want people to think. I want some people to think I was the best. I want some people to think the other person's the best.

Dude, I don't want to be the best all the time. It fucking sucks. Some of these comedians go on. I'm going on right now. But some of these comedians take comedians who aren't funny to open for them. Because they don't want to work hard. You suck, bro. You suck.

I bring people who kill. lenochi denny love lulu gonzalez these people kill like you adam ray he kills dude you can't go on the road and brings you you will start to suck you will it will catch up to you that's why you see you know people in the in in the comedy club like old timers, if they come in the comedy club and they haven't been working the clubs, they fucking suck now. Yeah. But if they do it all the time

and they're old timers, then they kill because they know what it's like to be in a comedy club and they know what it's like to fucking, to take that temperature of the comedy club.

You want me to go? No, I don't know. I just fucking, I went off on it. But the guy asked a question that I'm obviously passionate about. Dude, I'm so tired of fucking terrible comedians, man. I'm so tired of them.

I don't even like watching good comedians, so I feel you on that for sure. Yeah. I mean, when you, you know, it's like there are guys that I wouldn't go see, but I'm like, I get what he's doing, and that's great. He has a fan base, and he's killing and good. Sure, yeah, yeah. Like, you can't argue if someone's good or not. Yeah.

If they're killing, they're killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got their fan not. Yeah. If they're killing, they're killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got their fan base. Yeah. So, you know. Okay. So next one before Chris has a conniption fit. Yeah.

Also the same guy. All right. What's up, Matt? What's up, Chris? Chris, I've been a true baby since before there was a term for it. Nice. I saw you on Fargo, North Dakota a handful handful of years back and it was a great show. I remember that well. But I'm looking for a little bit of advice in a situation that I'm in, in regards to my

relationship. I've been dating my boyfriend for close to three years now. We spend most of our nights together. We're not, we don't live together. He'll mostly come over to my place and stay and I'll sometimes go over to his place. But recently, there's two sisters that he lives with got two cats and they're pissing everywhere or something. Or either it's litter box just smells like piss. So now the whole house smells like piss. And I rarely went there already. And now that the house smells like piss, I have like very little desire to go there. Um, and it's starting to put a little bit of tension in our relationship that I won't go there.

Uh, I'm just kind of wondering what you guys would do, what advice you would give me. Appreciate it. Love you both. Peace out. Thanks bro. So three,

um, first I'm going to say three years is so long to not live together. Yeah. I don't know. Just have him move in with you. Depends what they want. A young gay guy. Three years is a long time though to be dating and not have started living together.

But guys. But the other thing I was going to say. They're both guys, right? The cat piss smell. Yeah, it's the worst. You might as well be living with a fucking zebra. Dude, I used to date a girl who i thought at the beginning of our relationship for a long time smelled amazing in the last few months something happened something

happened where she started smelling like cat piss and i just was i i didn't matter how i felt about her it it was all messed up she smelled like cat piss now so i was just like angry all the time because smells like really upset you they get under your skin without you even realizing it sometimes then you think you smell it even when you don't shit it's just like and then it would be like even after she would leave the room it would like she'd leave anyway my point is cat piss is the worst smell it ruins love okay it ruins love the smell of cat piss ruins love so if you love this guy make him leave that place if you don't want to move in with you he has to move into somewhere else but you cannot coexist in a romantic

relationship when cat piss is in the air the end the paul simon song i think um i think you know you cannot code this when you got cat piss in here um and the man walked down the street and on our campus and so uh i don't know i think that um yeah i i i i don't think it's that weird to be a young gay guy with another young gay guy and not move in well he's not 19 he's in his 20s okay but i just feel like but that's a young gay guy dude gay guys are young till they're like 55 you know all right but three years and shit my point can i let me finish my point is that guys don't give a fuck about that a lot of the time it's always women that are like what are we you know and no guys fucking i mean maybe there's some guys doing it

but like the guy seems chill as fuck if he's with another dude that's like-minded they're probably like yo man this is cool but then the cat piss got involved so it's like okay yeah no i understand but doesn't he hang out that guy's place a lot anyway? And he already didn't go over there. So you guys should either have him move in or say, yo, I can't come over because the cat piss. That's it. The cat piss is terrible. Honestly, people shouldn't even have cats.

He should say move in because your place smells like cat piss and I can't love under these conditions. Your place smells like move in because your place smells like cat piss. And also, love under these conditions your place smells like move in because your place smells like cat piss and also side note i love you so move in only i only love you when we're not smelling cat piss yeah it's it's that's a rough that's a rough situation but the guy's got to know what i don't understand is people have cats and then they have this smell not if they take care of the cat i've been i've been to people been to people's homes who own cats that i don't smell the cat piss at all because they change over the litter box they don't they know what they're doing with the cat yeah the sisters obviously don't know what they're doing with the cats yeah yeah yeah okay so anyway you can't this this is it

okay cat piss kills love okay so get out of there okay for good cat urine kills love. Okay. So get out of there. Okay. For good. Cat urine kills love. Alright. From cat urine with love. Here we go. So much headroom. Such a low shot or high shot, whatever. Headroom. Hey Chris and Matt, big fan from Australia. Matt, you are looking

pimping, pimping today. Booyah, booyah, eh, booyah. Chris, you look fat. My problem is that my friend is having a karaoke party for her 30th um i'm a professional singer and i don't want to be that wanker that gets up and tries to do really well at karaoke um but i also am not the type of person who can properly get up and do like a funny, big, entertaining, over-the-top show. So I don't really know what to do. My thoughts are to do a duet.

That's probably my best way about it or to just get very drunk. But I would love your advice. Thanks, guys. Love the show. I actually think that you should only do karaoke if you can kill it. I was just going to say go up there and absolutely slaughter. Annihilate. And kill and make everyone else else who tries yeah dumb do a hard song too yeah there's so many things up there and kill and do a song that nobody else can karaoke to me is not fun it's not funny i think

that you should go up and absolutely destroy what was that noise are they gonna hear that well they're gonna hear that wow matt matt so then dude the the fucking karaoke sucks it's it's uh unless you're good you're good kill it don't be funny about it here's the worst thing the person who thinks it's funny to do a rap song like a white guy that gets something that's getting jiggy with it that's so and you think so many white guys because you think i can't sing so fuck it and then you do it by the time you're in the middle of like the fourth bar you're like so it's so fucking hard so true so so i don't think karaoke is a good thing unless you can fucking murder i actually like karaoke uh even when people are bad

if it's a person i'm like if i'm with a tight crew that I'm good friends with karaoke is kind of always fun to me but it's never like a thing I want to go do yeah karaoke is a thing I have fun when we're at someone's house and they have a karaoke thing wow and it's all of us hanging out you know each other yeah wow yeah I mean I'm a great singer well you're a bad singer but no i sing uh i love no i sing uh this is a song called plush i mean american psycho what is that it's plush by stone temple pilots what is this is before the acoustic version he says this is a song called plush she will be loved terrible got poked in the ass got poked in the ass in the middle of okay well yes hey jeremy hey jeremy

oh fuck it all right let's go well not even how it goes at all the glycerin song so wait what was the advice for her go and kill it. Don't half-ass it. Absolutely kill it.

Dude, if it was a comedy night, I'm not going to go up and do bad comedy. Just to make it feel better, yeah. Yeah, dude. I'm going to go up and and leave fucking body parts all over the room. I think we need to give her some song choices. Yeah, glycerin.

No. You want to kill it? And I will always And I'll feel it She's a woman. She's a woman. You got to do what a woman does. And she feels it

Bad. That note is terrible. That note was so flat, it was unbelievable. Where are we going till tomorrow? Interestingly bad. Interestingly bad. Where are we going with the mask I found? Actually, like, interestingly bad.

Wow, that was bad. That was... It was all very bad, and that was atrocious. And I feel, and I feel and I feel and the dogs begin to smell her who sings that who sings it

who will she smell no what is that song oh I gotta tell you dude I Stone Temple Pilots like I said

Stone Temple Pilots would hear that and go like this wow I never heard something like that so badly one time I

when I used to tweet and I don't tweet anymore because I really detest Twitter, like the years I haven't tweeted, I tweeted that I was in the spin doctors. Yeah. And the guy in the spin doctors replied who doesn't follow me and didn't tag them. And he said, funny, I don't remember that. I don't remember that. Slammed me so hard, dude. Like, wow, dude. I was just having fun, you know? Yeah. Funny, I don't remember that i slammed me so hard dude like wow dude i was just having

fun you know yeah funny i don't remember that i that um yeah it i had that was the worst when you were singing that that was the worst i've ever felt pound it out baby so got in the way this really is the best podcast there is huh yeah there it is was in the that. Got in the way. This really is the best podcast there is, huh? Yeah. There it is. That's a different one. Oh. I've done it before. You've done it before? Wow.

Oh, wait. Maybe that wasn't. I mean, so many Spin Doctor tweets. That's it. Where's the guy? Where's the guy in it? He probably deleted it. He was upset? There are that many responses?

There it is. Wow. Oh, he didn't even say funny. He just said, don't remember that wow wow hey what's his name what's his name go back to it chris baron hey chris baron come and get me bro well it was years ago he's probably no no i know it's been festering as much for you as it has been for me he might be dead come and get me we're gonna send you my address you meet me outside ring the doorbell and be prepared he's a good looking dude yeah he's

good he's good looking he's good he's good he's handsome he's a good guy he's in a good band spin doctors what even is that it's uh a little miss can't be wrong with that oh wow okay yeah all right all right who's next one chris matt matt and chris what is happening uh i got a question for you i want some advice on how do you tell somebody that they're saying a word wrong or a name wrong or a city wrong without um being sounding like sadik it is very big great example is chris always says sugarland texas when talking about sugarland sugarland texas where you're going this weekend um well you just did it so yeah question is how do you not sound like a

total dickhead to somebody while trying to spider-man correct them on the way they say it batman uh anyways i'm excited to hear what y'all gotta say wait hold on let me just get this out of the way sugarland is not weird to call it that way sugarland like it's a fucking made-up fairy tale place like it's the land of sugar fuck off sugarland is you know how many how do you say the word land land and how do you say the word sugar sugar so it should go sugarland but you're acting like that's how the english language always works but it doesn't always work like that but he's like from there words change when they go into the same thing okay sure sure sure sure but you're making it up no no no he's saying with knowledge i'm assuming prior knowledge

of the way he's in texas obviously he's got a texas hat on he had to flex on me like that but like it should be sugarland you're not gonna say sugar land okay but it isn't that's all he's saying that's fine there are certain words that i change because I want to and it's better. All right. Well, anyway, the way to do that for people, I honestly often don't do that

even though I'm constantly catching, obviously, I mean, everybody catches everybody saying the word wrong. But, and the reason

I don't correct them is because honestly, here's why. There is no good way, first of all. Second of all, it doesn't matter. We're all all gonna die yeah you know oh we're all gonna die that person's gonna die nihilist everyone else in the world's gonna die nihilist everyone who lived before is already dead and hasn't been born yet is gonna die okay so it's just like why would

i correct you uh and say that you're saying uh my hometown wrong maybe you know maybe not everyone dies you don't know that not everyone has died yet yeah in in the history there's still people alive um but um yeah i go like this oh man you're saying it this way dude but it's not that it's this right so what the fuck are we gonna do dude that's not dick it's funny well it's funny come out with it funny because it is so dick but come at it with some sort of you know brevity or a sense of humor if you can't do that then just don't do it levity not brevity both means brevity just means short oh yeah right hee-haw hee-haw brevity means short brevity means keep it like brevity is i said i meant i thought it also meant that too uh it doesn't okay levity i know what levity means but i thought brevity also meant the same thing but it means

short you're right i mixed it up there at least i'm not saying brevity well that which because then you'd be like oh shit you're saying it wrong brevity all right all right yeah dude i think that that's how you have to come at it with some sort of humor because people are just don't do it or just don't do it no matter what so you got to come out with this or or you fuck it or you fuck it up yeah or or you just let him go yeah let him go but no but if it's your name it's annoying if it's your name of course right no wait yeah that's right if it's your name right it's not dick at all to be like and the but the way to do it is probably something like look i know like everybody

always does this but it's actually delia or whatever. Right. I had a, I had a, um, oh, the flight attendant. She says, uh, is it Delia? And I said, Delia. And she said, great. Hello, Mr. Delia. That happens a lot. I'm like, well, that's not what I said. Oh yeah.

I can't quite get to the truth. That happens a lot to you? Yeah. I haven't noticed. I mean, I'm sure it's happened. They'll say Delia or, or Delia and I'll correct them and say it's actually Delia, and they'll just say something in between the wrong thing they said and the right thing that I said.

Yeah. And then after she said, okay, Mr. Delia, and I said Delia, but whatever. Anyway, so. Yeah. Everybody was happy. Yeah, I wasn't. She fucked it up. All right, cool.

Next one. What's up, Chris and Matt? Love the hair. Chris, I've been a fan since Incorrigible. I saw you in Dallas. I think it's your best work yet. Matt, you give way better advice than Chris. Thank you.

So there's this guy I work with that smells so strongly of Dove soap. I can smell when he's coming from across the warehouse. It can't be Dove soap. Like 70 feet away. What's wrong with Dove soap? That's no fucking joke. I'm just saying. I've clocked it.

Is this guy St. Bernard? 70 feet away. What's wrong with that smell? That's no fucking joke. I'm just saying. Oh, right. I've clocked it. Is this guy St. Bernard? An unbelievable amount of smell. How is that possible? Why are you carrying Dove soaps? I am a fucking Dove soap bar. It smells like it's right the fuck here. What? Pretty much at all times.

We work in the same department, so we're by each other all day. He's like, we work at a Dove soap bar. And throughout the day, my blood pressure just rises because I just cannot. I don't understand how you can pull that off and we're not that tight so it's not like i can like tell them what's up so what do you guys think i know exactly what to do okay what i know exactly what say i know we don't know which this is gonna sound weird like be colloquial and like a dude about it when you approach him and just be like, I just have to know

how, how do you possibly smell so good all the time? Even if you don't think that's good, right? Yeah. Say you smell like Dove soap

from so far away, I can smell you coming and I know, like just no joke, no, no nothing. I just need to know how you smell like that

all the time. So let's play this out. He wants them to obviously stop smelling smell like that all the time. So let's play this out. He wants them to obviously stop smelling like that soap so much. So let's play this out. But he's not gonna. You can't, you can't make a stranger stop smelling a certain way. You can only find out how it goes. You can if you say what's going on.

And I'm not saying say this because it'll be weird. But like if you find out what he's doing to get to that smell, then you can possibly shift what he does to make it so... Because it's offensive, dude. Also, I'm going to go out on a limb here. It's not Dove soap. I'm going to go out on a limb. How much could you wash?

How bad could it... Dove soap smells amazing. What is the problem here? It really does smell amazing. But if a smell is too strong all the time, it's annoying. I'll agree with this guy. Even if it's amazing. Not Dove soap?

It's like one of the best smells in the world that's why i'm saying i don't think it's dove soap this guy's washing so much and and what is it you'd have to bring dove soaps around and be like this he has been through all of these thoughts he's ahead of us he understands the unlikelihood of it okay it's just still true though so it's dove soap let's just go with it what do we know we don't know i can go with that. I can't get behind that. I love this dude, and thank you so much for saying this. This is my best work yet in Dallas, but it's Dove soap. What do you think of it?

It's something else. It's cologne that smells like Dove soap. Well, that cologne doesn't exist because all cologne smells like shish kebab. Okay, well, it doesn't smell like shish kebab, you know? But like just fucking peppers and chicken. Is it mushroom, too? Yeah. Onions. smell like shish kebab you know but like uh just fucking peppers and chicken and uh a mush is a mushroom too yeah um onions so these are like onions peppers mushrooms and chicken uh and wood dude you can't it's not dove soap i push back on that that's making me so mad but it's not so hung up on that it doesn't even matter okay so let me ask you a question i go i take a shower i

use dove soap dove soap all over my body yeah then i go to then i go to where you are you're gonna be able to smell that dove soap no okay i go i take a shower for five hours i not only wash all of the five hours i also eat some of the dove soap put it in my asshole. I've got two bars under my fucking armpits and I'm doing like this for five hours. Okay? Then I go to where you are.

You smell that? Probably. Probably do smell that. Well, that's not what the guy's doing. I agree. It's not what he's doing. It's probably his laundry. It's got to be his laundry.

It's got to be his laundry. It's his laundry, so it's not Dove soap. But it smells like Dove soap. He didn't say it is Dove soap. He said, he thinks it's Dove be it's got to be his laundry yeah it's his laundry so it's not dove soap but it smells like dove soap he didn't say it is he said okay he thinks it's dove soap it doesn't matter uh mr miyagi what's happening um there's a fly and okay for those listening he's clapping at nothing okay so then say well i was trying to kill a fly but so then so then say hey what is it that smells so strong you gotta stop no don't say you gotta stop first ask like you're curious because you want to know because maybe you maybe you want to

do the same thing but the way you're doing it is not good because if you do it in any sort of you smell so good then you can't be like don't do that because i thought it was good you gotta come because then you can say then they can say what it is you can say okay like, don't do that. Because I thought it was good. Yeah, you can't. Because then you can say, then they can say what it is. You can say, oh, okay. Well, it smells so good, it gives me a fucking headache. Please stop. So, dick. Well.

I just realized something. What? Lower him in, smack him down. I have a golf coach that also smells so good. Like, I can smell him from 10 feet away. Right. And I think it's his laundry. And I've wanted to, it doesn't bother me.

But I've wanted to, like, somehow in in a funny way bring it up to him like how do you smell so good and i am really comfortable with him and i still haven't done it then ask him what i suggested to begin with but here's my thing about this guy this caller bring up in a funny way go like this for fuck's sake why do you smell so good? Why does it bother him? It would bother me too. Dove soap is a magical smell. It would bother me if I had to smell something all of the time. It would bother me. No, because you wouldn't even notice that you smell it anymore.

No, yeah, it would bother me. I don't like good smells for longer than a few whiffs. Okay, man. I'm telling you, man. Why does it bother me? Okay, okay. I am in control of what I say. If you want to know what it is,

do what I said. If you want him to stop, I don't know. Just ask him what it is. That's what I said. But you're saying it. Oh, God, it smells so good. He doesn't.

Well, maybe he thinks it smells so good, but I don't know, dude. I'm just saying, don't do it in a way to where now- It emboldens him? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. All right.

Next one. All right. Bye, Chris. I i love you guys i love the podcast really appreciate all you do i have a question about rekindling a relationship with something that i once knew very deeply but don't anymore for me that's exercise i have been active my entire life i played division one soccer in college and then life happened and I had to take a break to focus on other things. I'm now 30 years old sitting outside of the gym currently and shit fucking sucks. Yeah.

I don't want to do it. I'm bad at it. The pregnant lady is lifting more than me and it's really frustrating and discouraging. I'm looking for advices on how to approach the situation with grace, not compare myself to who I used to be. Chris, did you have a similar experience getting back into comedy? I'd love to hear your guys' opinions. Thank you so much. Okay, bye.

It takes a while to fall in love with something again after you stop and you get used to life. You got set in your ways, and it's all about now the neuropathways that you set. Right? You also worked out a lot when you didn't want to if you were a fucking athlete. Right? So now you're doing it to keep fit. And, you know, hopefully, you know, it's good for your health. But, yeah, dude.

But it's not about high performance. It's not about. Right. Exactly. So don't compare yourself to back then because you're not going to be that because for the most part, you just don't want to and that's okay.

So go in and just, I think, go in and don't be like, hey, I'm going to go to the gym and kill it. Go to the gym just to go to the gym. Just move around. You're doing it. By the time you're, you know, develop the habit is what I'm saying. Develop the habit of going, right? Because I didn't want to go on stage for like months when I came back. And I just kept doing it. For me, it was because of Calvin. I needed to prove to him I could do it. But, you know, find that reason

why you would need to go to the gym. Now, it's not your career right now. It's not your – but you want to go because you want to stay healthy. And I think that that's great. I think everybody should work out. Yeah, I think it's about developing the habit and also going – just give yourself the leeway to just go and keep your body moving, right? You don't have to fucking kill it you can't under any circumstance much like not just going to the gym and comparing your body to what it once was

you can't compare you now to a previous version of you because it's not applicable not just because you used to actually play a sport and now you don't but because you were a completely different person back then with completely different goals and completely different ideas about life than you are now. So thinking about what you were then and why can't I be like I was then is only going to make it even harder to start working out again and liking it again. You might not like it. It might be a chore. But all you have to do is make sure you go to the gym. But all you have to do is make sure you go to the gym. It's like as a writer, I've had severe writer's block.

But as long as I sit down and make my fingers go on the keys, I will end up writing something. It might be bad, but it will be something. Whereas if I compare myself to a state of when I was on fire feeling good about what I was writing, when I'm currently in a writer's block mode, I will think like, well, I can't do this anymore. I suck. This isn't coming. And then the sun will be coming down i won't have written a word so you just got to stop comparing yourself to a previous version of yourself because not because it's so bad for you you got to block it out but because it is literally not applicable you're a different person with different ideas your brain's completely different chemically it's proven it's just true you are not the same person so don't even bother comparing yeah i think that uh matt's right and uh also you were like soccer is the fucking hardest you just never stop running did you ever see me play soccer though it wasn't

hard for me yeah no it was it was no when did you play soccer last you were 12 i was like 12 ayso i played it. I did a bicycle kick. Scored one goal. It was on the wrong goal. It was on our goal. And that's it. And that's the truth.

Oh, yeah. Because that's what Morgan Dozaki said. No, no, no. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Dude, I'll never forget that. Dude, that's the second. Is that the second episode in a row we mentioned Morgan Dozaki?

We mentioned him last time? Yeah. Because we were talking about Hidas Matis, Morgan Dozaki. Oh, shit. Were we? No, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, what. Were we? No, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

He was a goalie with the big ass gloves and shit. And it went by him? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we scored. Sounds cool. And I was like,

oh, sorry, dude. I don't know. I saw a bicycle kick earlier on TV. I saw an opportunity and I just went for it. Yep. Dude, it hit my shin, you know,

it didn't hit my foot. But it went in. I mean, the wrong goal. Oh, yeah. Soccer's crazy, huh? I wish I had fucking, God, I wish I could do something like that, play soccer, you know didn't hit my foot but it went in i mean the wrong oh yeah but soccer is crazy huh i i wish i had fucking god i wish i could do something like that play soccer you know like i'm so bad at running yeah we both have that we're not good runners yeah yeah dude i saw a movie uh on the plane or no actually it was when i was getting my tattoo so different well so different

the reason why i got confused is because it was, I knew the only reason why I watched the movie was because of what I was doing, not because I wanted to go see the movie. Hit-based. Okay. No, it's not, dude. It's really not.

Okay, hit-based. Okay, that is. But it was called No Escape. It was the Owen Wilson and that Lake Bell woman, you know? Lake Bell. That's called No Escape. No Escape is the Ray Liotta movie. Oh, well, what's the movie with Lake Bell and Owen Wilson?

Oh, I know. That really bad movie about, it's like a tense thriller they're trying to get out of a city what's it called nobody's looking it up i'm pissed um is lake bell in that lake bell and owen wilson it's really an action movie right yeah it's really fucking i saw some of that it was so the dowdell brothers made that okay what's that uh they're just no escape brother filming oh it is no escape yeah so the thing about that movie is owen wilson is just a regular guy and when he runs it's like your dad is running okay and this movie is sad and i can't watch movies like this anymore now that i have a kid that's not sad it's an action movie dude it's sad because they take the kid and then they run with

the kid it's like a shitty action movie of course he gets his kid at the end i feel a certain type of way about oh okay well um don't watch that movie in general period watch the original no escape which is with ray liotta and it's dope wait a minute hold on go up that has how many views on the trailer right there in the middle five million six million six million people watch a trailer to no escape that's crazy to me but it's pierce brosnan and owen wilson dude what's the big deal well almost i mean you know he's in some good shit he's a big star yeah i guess so but anyway the oh yeah pierce is in that dude i saw some of that that's right but my point is that it's hard to –

like when you're not an athlete and you run – this is the thing about – they cut around it and shit like with other guys, but like some people are good at running. Like Tom Cruise is fantastic at running. He's a great runner. His whole career is running. Yeah.

But like – His best running is in the firm. Yeah. Well, I guess he used to run track or something. That's what my mom says, so who knows if it's true. But – If mom said it, she said he used her on track but also he's short yeah mom always talks about how everyone's height if someone's not six

feet they're short as hell yeah but if they're over six feet they're tall she'll say like liam neeson i have such a crush on him he's so tall oh wow that's funny yeah um height is like tits for a girl for when it comes to is it no okay all right no because girls would there was it doesn't matter yeah exactly don't care yeah exactly as long as you're cool and you are comfortable you make them feel good yeah make them feel good you gotta make them feel good but not too good right no good good only good yeah but not but leave the mystery right like open the door mystery not the other way i mean yeah you don't want to over-explain everything you do. That's annoying and boring.

I'm opening the door for you because I like you. Open the door for them as they leave, and then when you're getting out of the restaurant, don't open the door for them. So they'll be like, huh, do you like me more before the dinner? Did I fuck up? No, no, that's too close to negging. What you do is you open the door both times,

but both times you say, you don't know why I did this. I wouldn't do that. What you do is you open the door both times, but both times you say, you don't know why I did this. Or you open the door, they get in, and then you close the door. As you're closing the door, you say, just like that, huh?

Okay. That would make them feel really like, what the fuck? Yeah, but see, that's too close to negging. I think you open the door for them, they go through the door, and then you either sit down at the table at the restaurant or get in the car together and you say so do you have any ideas about why i did

that so i opened the door for you when you got out of the car and when we got to the restaurant i did that do you know why i did that no would you like to know i'm not telling you yeah anybody's guess yeah that is actually really cool that would be very cool to do yeah i would do that okay well i'm gonna do that to kristin you're welcome um so yeah well i don't know okay well we got that one yeah okay cool so then i guess we're done no yeah we started the clock a little late so we should just be done did we really start the clock a little bit like a couple minutes i added time oh you added time to it so it's less than 53? Let's be done. Wow. Let's be done.

All right, we can be done. Let's be done. We've got to do another episode. Let's be done. That's a bad song. Don't do that. Let's be done. Listen, guys, I will be in New York.

Come see me at chrysalia.com. I will be in Kansas City. I will be in Rhode Island. I will be in Cincinnati. Kansas City, here we come springsfield tulsa midland texas austin milwaukee minneapolis columbus milia walker uh salt lake city kill me after i'm done that's great matt good keep going uh mattalia.com for the one-on-one sessions come to me with your deep dark secrets or feelings about yourself or everyday troubles.

It doesn't matter. Book me. Private advice sessions, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll love you if you book them. I hate you if you don't. If you have a question for us on this show, click the link in the description below or go to WatchLifeline.com and of course, get your fine

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