Lifeline - 46. Loserville Loserland

Episode Date: February 26, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. All right, dude. Lifeline. And I got my feet like this right up until the middle, right so you can see the shot. You can see my face in it.

See? Is the reason you put those shoes up is because you like the bottoms of them and you want everybody to see them? No. I was just comfortable. Okay. And that's how it goes. But I guess I'll take the feet down, dude. It was good because I'm wearing pink.

The bottom of your shoes are pink. No, they're red. You just ruined it. No, The bottom of your shoes are pink. No, they're red. You just ruined it. No, it's pink. That's red. Well, they're dirty, so it looks pink. It's dust. The dust on the red makes it look pink.

So I wasn't wrong. Poetry. So I wasn't wrong then. Dust on the red makes it pink. People say that I plug my dates too much on this podcast. What do you think? I don't care. I simply don't care.

And I'll tell you this. Let me tell you why. Because we barely do any commercials or ads. So I plug my dates. Okay. You know how many times I hear, oh, man, come to Kansas City. I was just in Kansas City.

I do it. So until that stops happening, I'm going to plug my dates. Okay. So I will be in Kansas City, yes. Right. Okay. Coming up next.

And I will be in Springfield and I will be in a bunch of different places. Minneapolis and Austin. ChrisLeah.com. Go get tickets. Columbus, Ohio, in Springfield and I will be in a bunch of different places. Minneapolis and Austin. ChrisLeah.com. Go get tickets. Columbus, Ohio, everywhere, dude. I'm coming everywhere. You'll be in Sugar Land, Texas.

No, I already did that. Oh, he already did Sugar Land. He had a great time in Sugar Land, everybody. Yeah. Yay. So go ahead. We love you, Sugar Land. Hey, and if you want to have a one-on-one session with me,

Matt DeLea, your boy, pimping, pimping, baby boy, I'm bad about it every Tuesday and Thursday. Sign up, make a freaking, flapping, flippity session with me. A white guy. No, I can't say a bad word. Mormon. I'm Mormon. I can't say a bad word. Okay, so Mormon. We're Mormon in the first five minutes

of this podcast. We're Mormon, so we don't say a bad word, so they don't, right? You can get the Lifeline Merch at lifelinemerch.com. So we're Mormon in the first five minutes, so we don't get demonetized and we don't say a bad word so they don't, right? You can get the Lifeline Merch at lifelinemerch.com. So we're Mormon in the first five minutes so we don't get demonetized and we don't get messed up here. Is that thing true

or is that just a thing people are starting to say? No clue, no clue. People say it and I just adhere to it. I'm a follower. I don't have a mind of my own. Okay.

So it's all good. But yeah, we're having a good time. Having a good... No, I don't want to do that. We did it last time. I got to stop saying we're having a good time, honestly, because sometimes

we don't even have a good time. No, we have a good time doing the podcast, but last time. I got to stop saying we're having a good time, honestly, because sometimes we don't even have a good time. No, we have a good time doing the podcast, but when we come in, often I say we're having a good time and I don't know what kind of time you've been having. Well, usually, here's something. Usually when I come in, everyone's head is down and everyone's extremely rude to me for no reason. Today, because I called everybody out on it, the last time I was here, I said, you guys are the worst ever at greeting people.

Okay. All of you made a big deal, except one who was still a rude prick holdout. Who was it still? Which was you. I did. But you were doing it facetiously. Chris and Anthony meant it. Dude, they were doing it facetiously too.

They were, but I could tell that they meant it. You were being facetious and evil. How could you mean it and also be facetious? Because it was like, hey, remember? I love you. That was them. You were like, oh, that was stupid. Oh, interesting, interesting.

Yeah. I didn't do it that way. No, you did. I did do it that way. That's why you found it so unbelievably interesting. I just think that you don't have to say super highs to everybody. Super highs. That you see all the time anyway and do text chain with every single day. You don't, but you do highs to everybody that you see all the time anyway and do text

chain with every single day. You don't, but you do have to do something other than this when someone walks in. I say hey. Sometimes. There are times that I don't say hey? Yeah, totally. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Well, you know what? I take accountability with that and I'm sorry and I shouldn't do that in your room. All right. Thank you. No, but don't be like, thank you. Oh, I said thank you. Because then it makes it sound like, but the way you said it is like, got my way, huh?

Okay. Well, thank you. How about that? Okay. Okay. I have my own feelings about that that I have to work on, I guess. And that's fine. So, itch.

How do you reach for it? And my tattoo's itch. Yes, dude. My tattoo's itch. Which one's new? Let's have it. This is new. This is one news here,

but I'm not done with it. It's only halfway done. I'm not going to tell anybody what it is. I didn't even know about that. I knew about that. Show the world. It's a lotus? Yeah, it's a flower. That's cool.

Yeah, it's very cool. And I have another one here, and I'm getting another one. Actually, at this point, I'll already have it because we recorded it. I'm getting it on Thursday. I told you I'm getting completely added up.

Yes, you've mentioned that many times yeah so i'm gonna look disgusting in a good way oh i'll say you look very disgusting okay why did you get the lotus yeah no that's for me oh no i don't explain my tattoos no you can't get a tattoo for the world to see and then be like, I'm not telling you what it means. No. Why would you get it? Because he likes White Lotus.

Boo! I love the show White Lotus, dude. I love Steve. I'm a huge Steve Zahn fan. I actually am. Yeah, he's so funny. I have a Steve Zahn tattoo on my abs. Oh, that's a bad place for that.

Just his face and then the text bubble coming out saying, hi, Matt. That's something like Steve-O would get. I just like White Lotus, um so yeah so uh yeah i gonna get completely added up dude i'm gonna be a legs guy i'm gonna be a tattoo i'm gonna get my tattoo i'm getting tattoos on my legs i'm gonna do that i don't want you to but what do i care that's fine um i'm great that's great uh ste Steve-O has a tattoo that says...

Is that him on his back? Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Yeah, your name, right? What's weird about that is... How bad it is? Yeah, it is bad, but he knows that.

And it's fine, but... That's, you know, and it's fine. But like, you know, that's just weird, huh? It's kind of unsettling. It's not good. Yeah. It's bad. That's real, huh? Wow. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's real, yeah. Okay, well. People have crazy, crazy. Don't approve of it, you know? Would you ever wear bracelets? Do you wear bracelets? I don't wear bracelets, and never have but i don't i don't thought about playing i thought about it you what i thought about being a bracelet guy

and how the airs on yes dude um i thought about it on the plane i was like it would look really nice just something like just dangling off me like that you've worn bracelets before though no like when i was 20 uh i thought about just how nice it would look just dangling off me you know would it look that nice dangling off of you i mean i just feel like if i had a bracelet on and it was like shiny it might be like oh shit he's got something extra going on maybe i might look that like you say you're gonna get the cross earring yeah okay i guess fucking jury's out everyone said that you should get the cross earring oh yeah Oh yeah really Doesn't mean I'm not gonna get it But I'm just saying

Maybe if I was like the dangly I wanna be a certain type of guy And you took my Thing So it's like What do I do now I could be guy who has the The bull

The bull What about the We talked about the gauges You could get that No I think those are terrible Yeah What else is there You get your lip pierced

No that's I don't wanna be I don't like piercings, dude. Do you? Nose pierce? No, I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy. Are you going to get all over the neck and stuff,

like to other places on your neck? Yeah, I will. I told you I'm going to get a cityscape. I don't know what I'm going to get. Maybe not a cityscape, but I'm going to get something like that. I want you to see me and be like, whoa, that guy's trouble.

He might fight us. All of us. I'm going to get the cityscape of loserville not a place loser land all right on your neck so that everybody knows where you're from imagine if i got loserville loser land on my neck loserville loser land that would be the worst because i get steve-o on my back um population one so yeah um uh yeah so i don't know okay well what do you think what do i think about jewelry you have two rings that are the same ring yeah i like i like rings i like the way they feel on my hand uh and

i like to do stuff with them like tap them and punch people in the in the head and so they get knocked out i have one ring your uh mic is unplugged again yeah oh it obviously is though because it's sitting under chest is it good now yeah okay how long was it unplugged i don't my mic keeps getting unplugged it's not my fault so what's going on well considering it's happening to you and not me something tells me something that you're doing is causing it so it is your fault or this is faulty no faulty towers stands faulty towers got so offended felt it in his heart yeah um i don't think they're faulty oh it's faulty handmade them i am i has a tiktok channel that has like 150 000 subscribers hand makes uh podcast equipment uh and so um, this is how I make podcast equipment.

Wow. With text coming up. God, I'm not a TikTok person. Well, I was just doing it, basically. But it makes me mad. Don't flirt with him. What is don't flirt with him? Oh, that's what song you're doing?

Wow. You didn't know, dude? No,, that's what song you're doing. Wow. You didn't know, dude? No, not until you said that Don't Flirt With Him. Don't flirt with him. I'm not going to flirt with him. That's a trend from like two years ago. Bro, I'm current. Not how you build mics, you know, with a hammer and sickle.

That's the whole thing. They're handmade. I'm joking. Don't flirt with him. I'm not going to flirt with him. and sickle that's the whole thing they're handmade i'm joking don't fly with him i'm not gonna fly with him what is that song why are you doing that it's like sugar i am so flat not what is the name of the song but like why are you doing that song because it's a trend dude it goes like don't fly with him i'm not gonna fly with him i and then it shows a really hot guy and she's like

it was like a picture of me like this coming out of water no you're not that hot um so yeah so anyway you didn't know what i was doing dude that's funny anthony did you yeah that makes me so happy i know it dude i knew it dude i can you do it can you play it or can we not play i mean we'll see okay we might get to monetize can you play it or can we not play it i mean we'll see okay we might get to monetize warning it doesn't seem worth it okay here wow i'm not going to i hate it yeah it's awful don't flirt with him look i'm not going to do that dude you guys are idiots you guys are idiots for the record everyone here laughed at that except me dude someone because you're eating it dude and put it on someone make it yo listen turn it off that one was funny was that one funny no no it's stupid okay dude dude

dude someone make it like this put me on it don't flirt with me and then have me be like this was your neck hurt no dude let me do it so they can put it in and then okay okay go go i'll post it on my thing don't flirt with me and then have me go like this why is that this go-to sexy thing oh because i'm sexy a big don't flirt with me dude do it someone put it side to side and do it do it for me thank you oh fuck the fans come through dude the trends on tiktok are so bad hey Dude, the trends on TikTok are so bad Hey Ah, dude, I hate it How about when they do

When they're about mental health and they do that Oh, dude, for mental health It's okay to take a mental health day It's not your fault It's his fault Dude, how about Hey, it's never my fault It's my dad's fault

He should have done all those things to me dude i i i hate the one i hate the most right now is the am i it says 25 and 50 and they're just like why are they doing that because it's a woman that's like i'm 50 if you can believe it because you're like oh she's 25 she always looks 50 uh-huh right and they're like haha and you know she's not 25 because she's doing the fucking challenge anyway you know when i saw i saw young like boys like teenage boys doing it like if i was my dad in my dad's yearbook when he was my age and they had like letterman jackets on and they were like yeah yeah yeah yeah but they had like nerd glasses on or

something yeah all they ever are are people trying to look sexy look how good looking i am yeah but they're under the guise of like right i'm playing along with this silly challenge i know it's so stupid i hate it yeah it's it's halloween just everyone's dressed as hot as they can yeah you know what i mean it's like one of those things it's like i'm gonna do something silly i'm gonna be like a wario for halloween and then they just got like a yellow hat and like their tits all out and they're just like it's me it's a me wario yeah the ones with the young guys that make me the most mad though because they're just like well yeah because men should never be doing that but they obviously get a ton of likes otherwise why would i be seeing them i'm not even on tiktok yeah they get a ton of likes but they're so many of them are like cringy and ironic not ironic on purpose

no no no no no the people who like it are they're like that's hilarious like oh really yeah i don't get that i like to see shit. It's so funny that somebody would stoop so low to do that shit. I worry about young people, man. It's sad. Well, I think every generation worries about the youth, right? No, I feel like every generation hates young people. They're like, when I was young, it wasn't like that. We had to actually skin the animal before we ate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? But I feel bad for younger people now everything sucks nobody's gonna have a job nobody's gonna have an embarrassing video of them by the time they're trying to get a job it's just like yeah yeah y'all are fucked but that stuff will level out and then there'll be a new generation and it's just like y'all are fucked okay anyway should we do videos you know that'll be the most beautiful generation of all time that will be the most pimpin pimpin yeah because they're gonna be so i don't give a fuck it does go in cycles so maybe there's hope for

like cow's age by the time we're 90 yeah it'll be okay like cow's kids no no cow oh no cow's age i guess yeah cow's age so by the time i'm all the hope is in you all the hope is uh on your shoulders cow so i can't wait to be 60 and shit just be be leveled out. Well, don't get your hopes up, you know? Yeah. Cal will be like, you know, 20 and you'll be so worried about him. I know, dude. I know. Being a dad is tremendously stressful, you know?

Oh, God. All right. Okay, let's see what's up. So handsome. Hey, Lifeline guys. So beautiful. My name is Greg. What's up, Greg?

My girlfriend, Jules, is a big fan of Lifeline. Hates us. And of you guys. That's great. Sorry, I don't know your guys' names. But tonight, we watched episode 42, and I pretended like I was going to make a video so I can come in the bathroom, which I did. Okay. And now I'm making a video.

But how do you guys feel about pooping in a new relationships bathroom and not making it weird what are your thoughts I could tell you I can tell your thoughts for this story I can tell your thoughts for this story

would you like to hear a story dude don't fly with me would you like to hear a story dude don't fly with me dude i think would you like to hear a story oh yeah as an answer okay so when i was uh god i might have been only 18 years old and i lived in new york i was going to school in new york but my girlfriend lived out here in la and she visited me a couple times and when i came back to la for the first time i visited her at her like off-campus apartment whatever she went to usc yeah she went to usc and thank you and uh but i was technically staying with mom and dad because they lived close and her she had this tiny little apartment and we just started dating oh i know this story so uh i wake up early in the morning

and um again new relationship had to grump it out didn't want to grump it out right next to my new beautiful girlfriend who is sleeping beautifully right next to where the bathroom is i didn't want her to know i was going to grump it out she knew i had to leave early anyway under any normal circumstance i would have just grumped it out you know i'm saying sure and uh i was like i'll manage this home is only like 15 minutes away poetry i get in the car and immediately on the 110 i hit traffic now i'm like okay this is getting pretty bad i'm like looking for places to maybe pull over or go into a gas station, try to grump it out in one of those. Disgusting, yeah. And what I realized is like by the time I pull off

with all the traffic and get to a gas station, that's only going to be like a couple minutes less time than it would be to get all the way back home. Okay. So I'm just like, all right, I'm just going to do it. I'm committing and I'm going to go home and I'm just going to make it. Unfortunately, I'm like,

by the time I'm just about to get on the off on the off ramp i'm i'm i'm just like i'm doing the thing where like i'm literally looking at myself in the rear view mirror right yelling at me by name saying i'm like come on man don't be yeah yeah come on matt like don't you can't sit your pet you can't you can't grump it out right now perry movie you know and uh i'm just like i'm like kind of standing yeah because like if I sit it's just bad news okay so I'm like as tense as I can you know I'm like come on man Randy Savage oh yes and then I get off the freeway I get home and I'm just about pulling into their driveway and I'm just like I don't know if it's like the brain relenting because you know you're close or

whatever but it's getting worse and worse and worse. And I realize as I'm parking, like now I have to move. Right. And there's no moving when you have to go this bad. Of course. The first movement, Darshi blows. Okay. Okay.

So I step out of the car and mom happened to be out in front of the house. Yeah. And so I step. Prepare the bathroom. I step. Open the door. I got gotta go to the bathroom and i stepped out of the car it's just like darshi blows what okay but i like it was like just like a like a mushroom cloud because i had to like let a little bit out you know and then so and then so i was just like this i was just like you know like trying not to let my pants extend all the way so like now they can slide down so i'm like walking like this it's liquid though and i finally get to the bathroom and mom is like

dying laughing and i had to like throw everything away but uh like i threw mom away and we sold the house and everything um got rid of the car so uh but yeah she their girlfriend never found out so wow she will jokes on who dude i think by the way like and subscribe um i think i think honestly that um i think that it's you here i had a friend that said texted me recently it was maybe a month ago maybe not even he was like hey man what do i do if i just i'm over at uh my i know what you're gonna say but house her house i'm seeing her and for the first time and i gotta go number two he's like do you do it and i'm like yeah man just do it he did it texted me you're not gonna believe this the toilet doesn't work oh what like a matthew perry movie dude in 1990 you know what i mean or 2002 so i'm like oh my god so

i was like what do i do i guess i gotta try and fix it he and i was like dude just go tell her go be like yo i i took a grump in the in the toilet yeah that i didn't know was broken you should have told me like what the fuck i'm the man though yeah this is what you say to her and he was like really and i was like was like, yeah, just do that. Who cares? Own it. She'll think you're sexy if you own it. And he's like, and then I got a text a little bit later.

He's like, I fixed it. You did? Yeah, I wanted him to not be able to fix it. Oh, wow. So he got away with not telling her, and I'm pissed off. No, good for him. No. No.

Why? Why did you want him to get busted for grumping it out into her toilet? Because I hate my friends. Oh, okay. Well, that is an issue i don't know why but it's okay to do poop in your uh girlfriend's toilet in the beginning well yeah totally i mean the moral of my story is just go yeah but also what's up with the dude he was saying wait but real quick i was 19 when i did that you sir look like you're pushing 40

you should know by now that you just got to do it. It's like, what's the big deal? It's like you just got – humans go to the bathroom. What, is she going to think you never poop? Like that's not what a human does. Yeah. What's the thing? Yeah.

You don't want them to smell your brand of poop and then be turned off. But like that's stupid. Every brand of poop is bad. Who's got like a great shit brand no you have a terrible shit that's not true you have the one of the worst shit brands i've ever even laid my nose on that's not true yeah it is dude you the thing about you and your brand of shitting is that you shit right after you eat it's like an open vessel it's just like one big pipe inside your body no stomach yeah it just comes right out just like an elevator yeah yeah uh don't flat with me like this no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no to that part? Let's talk about... He was making a joke that he doesn't know what our names are. Okay, cool. He does. Of course he does.

I know. He's not going to submit a video asking about taking shits at his girlfriend's house when he doesn't know who the people are. He was pretty handsome.

I wonder if his... If they broke up, if you got a chance? No, I wonder... Yeah, I want to date him. All right, cool. I think he's got a lot of leeway. His brand of shit

could be really bad. Because he's handsome. Yeah, because he's so handsome. Yeah, put your brand of shit on another person who is an attractive thing. You could be really bad. Because he's handsome. Yeah, because he's so handsome. Yeah. Put your brand of shit on another person who is an attractive thing. You might be worse off. You're bad. You're all right, bro.

You're all right. You're doing good. Okay. Next one. So dark. Hey, Matt and Chris. Love the show. Love the content.

Oh, I hate it. I'm looking inward, and I think the problem is me. Oh, shoot. Just got even darker. Okay, but you didn't start it out yet. Lost in time and space. But anyway, vehicles,

when they're behind me, vehicles, so proper, cars with their headlights and they have halogen lights and the lights are... They're allowed to be. They're legally allowed to have them that fluorescent, like that blue tent. But yet it's like so annoying.

You didn't want to do it over the video, huh? And they chose that. You know what I mean? And like the truck, and this is, I have a problem. But the truck, the wheels on the side are like sticking out. They made that choice. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So someone made choices to this SUV. Okay. They've converted this thing. Okay. And one of the choices is the halogen lights. Halogen. They're so annoying.

Okay. It's just so bright and you can't escape it. You can't. You're just like. Close your eyes, but and you can't escape it. You can't. Why would someone do that? How do I... You know what I mean? Nope.

How do you what? That's the end? Pull over! If it bothers you that much, pull over. Slow down. Get behind the car. No escaping halogen lights. That's what you need advice about?

You live in large dude that is the least concerning situation of all time question how do you escape halogen lights yes close your eyes also the wheels that stick out not if you're driving well yeah but then he's saying if you're driving in the car behind you has the halogen halogen lights this pull pull over yeah i guess right yeah or anything that much or anything else got sincere problems or also here's what you got to work on not the halogen light thing halogen light thing but you got to work on that because he was saying it like that oh what you got to work on is saying words in the right order and and not over and over again start oh we're this kind of thing with

i might be the one with the problem and then talk about how dark it is where you are and then at the very end only then reveal what your question even is yeah hey um so yeah i just got a question oh man i might be the problem oh god it got so dark collagen the lights what's up yeah dude that's the worst question we have ever gotten in life. No, totally. Even with the guy, it made no sense. Even with that guy. Because I liked that guy.

It was better, yeah. This guy, honestly. This guy literally has killed at least two people in that lot he was parked in at the time. I'm going to say get out of my country, guy, even though he's born here. Oh, wow. Go ahead, yeah. I'm racist against a white guy. Next one.

That's okay. Sleeping. What's up, guys guys get up to do it and i can't wait to uh hear what you guys say about my uh patchy beard and whatnot but chris i love you man been following you for a minute uh matt you're fucking hilarious man um weird. I'm watching this weird movie, and it's a good movie. It's called About Time. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Josh. I liked Rachel McAdams.

Anyway, get on with it. You know what I mean? In time. You're right. Why do the British people wear, like, George Washington wigs and shit when they're in court yeah why do they still do that right like it's so dumb really dumb like even in 2023 they're still wearing like wigs dude i don't know what so bad i'm fucking yeah dude you know wow just wanted to show us his tattoos

the fact that there's people that are being annoying out there in the real world because of shit that we say is unbelievable yeah it's pretty cool that's the cult dude yeah it's ridiculous and I always think it's ridiculous as a matter of fact I just found this out I was watching a TV show and they went to court in Britain and they had

the wigs on and I was like oh is this like a dystopian show or what the fuck is going on and i was like they still do this also the lawyers do it too it's not just the judges it's it's it's uh dude it's it's it's actually so many more places used to do the same thing traditions are awful but so many like african countries your other european countries australia New Zealand, all these countries used to do the same thing. The only one that still does it is the UK. Britain is so dope, except for it sucks because of the tradition. If they just drop this shit, it would be so much better. The problem with the wigs is they're so dumb looking they're dumb

honestly you should have a dildo coming out of their head like this dude that would be a little you know why people started doing that in the first place it wasn't even judges it was like a high society because of the fucking disgusting how disgusting their hair would smell no close though what they it was sometimes because of lice but they think the main reason was because so many people had syphilis and one of the symptoms of syphilis one of the main ones that everyone got man and woman was random hair loss like patches and no one wanted it to be seen no one so everyone that had it started wearing it wear a hat well there weren't hats back then. I guess there were, but you couldn't wear a hat inside and shit. Hello.

Oh, right. Hello. I can't stop fucking. My hair's... Well, look, here's the thing. We're not going to stop fucking, right? So we're losing our hair in really weird random places on our heads. Wigs.

That's what we're going to do. They're all going to be white. Fuck, there's hat nonsense. Can't wear those inside. Bra. Wigs. That's what we're going to do. They're all going to be white. Fuck, this hat nonsense can't wear those inside. Braided wigs. Braided big wigs. And powder,

you know, with the rosy cheeks. Do you know what they're made out of? Because we can't stop fucking, mate. What are we going to do? Stop fucking.

We stop fucking and then maybe the kid the youth will grow up not wearing wings what i cannot do that i mean how happy was everybody when somebody came up with a thing that got rid of syphilis dude how annoying is it that they still are like all right here's what we're gonna have go on uh you're on trial for murder i don't think you've done it all right i'm gonna be your lawyer i'm gonna fucking fight your case and we're gonna get you off and you're going to be free now let's go to court

is it straight or what is it it's crooked hold on it? Hold on. Hold on. Oh, you can't. You're handcuffed. Here, let me get the... It's so dumb like you're handcuffed in court. No, they got these against the thing, you know, where you're like that. Oh. Look in the mirror. And the other cops are watching the lawyer do it because it's a two-way mirror.

All right. Let's go. Lawyers don't usually wear it anymore. Just judges. You just said lawyers do. They can. It's not required. I like to do's not it's not required i like to do it still you can i like to do it a lot of female and minority judges do it because they it like

some it symbolizes that we're all equal in the eyes of the law i like to do it i'm black and i like to do it because it symbolizes wow just taking the exact words i said we're all equal literally just saying black woman just saying the words i said we're all equal literally just saying black woman just saying the words i said i'm a black woman but well i was born a woman but i think i'm a man i'm trans and i'm also a little person so barrister we're all equal in a lot can you say little people little people is what that's what it is yeah oh okay you shouldn't say m-i-d-g-e-t yeah okay you know you don't have to spell it out well uh, I do it so many times. I actually didn't know what the proper... Little People is the one.

Okay, okay. Relax. You can either call them that, or it's politically correct to either call them out, or when you see them, go, aww. So dumb. Yeah.

All right. So next one. All right. A killer. Love Lifeline. Love Congratulations. and based on your specific advice before it's been deeper for me um i had a specific uh question that i wanted to ask you all a whole windshield i've been dealing on and off with um with nicotine addiction i've been smoking cigarettes ever since i was about 17.

I was just trying to find out, based on some of the solutions that people have brought to me that have not been very helpful to me, how would you suggest getting off cigarettes and nicotine in a more natural way? Again, love your podcast. I'm always going to be with you, Chris and Matt, through these trying times. And I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, dude. I honestly think a lot of it has to do with an oral fixation. So start giving more oral sex.

Then again, what do you know? Because you never had a cigarette in your life. No, I know. But I feel like, you know, sweetie, uh-oh, sweetie, I want a cigarette. And then what? You go down on her? Oh, okay. Yeah. Sweetie, I-oh, sweetie, I want a cigarette. And then what? You go down on her? Oh, okay. Yeah.

Sweetie, I need a cigarette. Or if you're gay, even better because it's like a cigarette. Okay. Yeah. The only times I've been able to stop smoking is at the times that I actually want to do it. If I just am like, oh, it's because of my health or oh it's because of this person i'm dating doesn't like it i'll be i'll be like this in the corner and that's act like i didn't do it right you know what i mean but like so obviously did it because it smells like smoke well yeah

sure what's up how's it going did you smoke yeah and then it's over yeah uh but yeah if you don't want to do it it's probably not actually going to happen so give up and save yourself the anger that sound like he wants to do it though exactly so don't quit no no i'm saying he does want to quit oh oh oh oh dude what's the you you you know the the what's the name of that book that everyone says is great alan carr book yeah yeah that's a great book what's the name of it uh that's what the name was right now if it was good oh or not. Oh, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking is what it's called. There you go. There's a book called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Alan Carr.

Is that his name? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And apparently, I've heard like several people say that the only thing that got them to quit smoking is this book. That's crazy. I never read the book. I don't know. But seriously, like at least five people have told me that.

What? It worked on me. Dude, it's weird. Yeah. It worked on me. Dude, it's weird. Yeah. It worked on you. Yeah. It's like hypnosis in a book. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just keep repeating the same thing and then you start thinking. Don't smoke. Don't smoke. Don't smoke. Don't smoke. Don't smoke. Don't smoke.

Don't smoke. Stop smoking. Don't smoke. What the? Wow, that's crazy. Chapter five, don't smoke. All right. What else?

Who else we got? Sick. Missy Elliott jacket. What up, Matt and Chris? What's a drillio? I live in Germany. I'm stationed here. I'm in the military.

Cool. Thank you. I've lived here for four and a half years. Been with my girlfriend, who's a German, for three years. Cool. And I love her. Oh, cute. My issue is I get out of the military in June,

and then it's time for me to find a civilian job uh there are there are jobs for me in germany but not as many as there are for me in the united kingdom so my question is should i uh accept a job in germany so that i can stay in germany which is where I want to be, but the job might not pay what I want it to, and it might not be what I want to be doing? Or should I go to the United Kingdom where I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a well-paying job and it's going to be something that I want to do. I don't want to do a long-distance thing because I just kind of don't think they work. So basically, if I move away, we break up. Sadness.

What should I do? Thanks. I mean, stay. Yeah. I mean, the job may not be high-paying enough, and that's okay because it's also you're in the place you want to be in. And then number two, you don't have to break up with your, I mean, going out for four years. Three years. The woman that you're in love with.

And then also, the other thing I was going to say is, I don't remember. Go ahead. Yeah. You probably can always go to... If you can get a job now that's good and high paying or better paying than the one you would maybe get in Germany, I'm assuming that would also be true in like six months, a year or whatever. But if you start out in Germany with possibly the worst job, but you get to be with the woman you love what if you realize that that lifestyle is amazing yeah and you don't have to risk losing the love of your life like i i don't think see if you can i get what you're yeah exactly start out in the germany one because it's like you don't

have to move it's all the logistics and shit the potential the in the two different spots the best potential the most potential potential is in Germany. Seems like it to me too. So try that first. Try that first. Your girlfriend. You're doing what? Because he's moving?

You're doing what? You're moving? But also, can't she move to the UK? Well, I don't know. It depends. We don't know. She might have a really great job in Germany. Right.

Okay. Yeah. She might not speak British. You should have said that. Yeah, true. He definitely should have. But I thought that while he was saying it, he's like, he should definitely mention that. Yeah, he should have addressed that yeah true she definitely should have and i thought that while he was saying he's like he should definitely yeah he should have addressed that at least because it's a very obvious thing that we would ask right right right i mean

maybe she's out there maybe she like fucking does the she loves like the what are the festivals the fucking october fest okay well or maybe she makes um you know i don't know doesn't know anything needs my help for every single one of the jokes. Wooden benches or whatever. Wooden benches. Yeah, Germany is renowned for their wooden benches. We make wooden benches. This is what we do. Look at this.

How comfortable. Oh, boy, look at this one. You can fit nine in this one. This kind of sounds... Actually, no, that sounded German. Oh, this is German. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right.

So don't fuck with me, actually. Okay, all right. Next one. Mario Lopez. Hey, man, actually. Next one. Mario Lopez. Hey, man, Chris. Longtime listener, first-time caller. I'm wondering about elevator manners. When you're going up in an elevator and just one stranger hops on that ride with you,

are you supposed to chat with them? Shoot the breeze, small talk, all that stuff? I work in an office on the 15th floor and i generally hate when people try talking to me not a fan of small talk not a fan of i don't know just giving information to some random yeah person um but it seems like a really common thing at least where I'm at. I usually try to keep headphones in to avoid that at all costs. So, yeah, what do you guys think? What's the best way to do that?

Should I be more sociable? Try to converse with random folks? No, you don't have to. I have it. All right, look, here's what you do. Love you guys. Thanks so much. All right, so both of you need to relax.

Why? Who cares? Just do it for the amount of time you're on there. Don't worry about it. Just get on the elevator. If someone talks to you, just be like, uh-huh, yeah. And that's it. You don't have to be like, oh, I got to put my headphones.

Oh, I got to pretend I'm texting. Oh, I got to pretend I'm on the phone. True. That takes up too much. That's a waste. That is true. But I wish that I was not famous sometimes so I could just be like, I don't speak English. You can do that anyway.

Because you can do that. And that would be awesome to do it. Sorry, I don't speak English. You can do that anyway. Because you can do that, and that would be awesome to do it. Sorry, I don't speak English. You can do that anyway. I know no words except for these ones I'm about to say. I cannot talk to you here in elevator. That's like the joke in that episode of The Critic. Remember that?

We laughed so hard. No. He gets into a taxi cab, and he says a bunch of directions. And the cabbie turns around, and in perfect English, he's like Pakistani or Middle East or something. But in perfect English, he says, read the sign. And it just, the driver only knows three words. Oh, read the sign?

Yeah, read the sign, yeah. Okay. Wow, so mad. No, no, that's great. Okay. That's cool. I mean, John Lovitz had a cool cartoon, I guess. Wow.

No, but this is what you can do. And this is the most gangster thing you can do. Okay. You're in the elevator or you're somewhere. Somebody comes up to you and talks to you. Without doing anything different, you just look at them and say, sorry, I'm on the phone. I mean, you can do anything.

You can be rude if you want. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yep. Yep. Actually, you know what? You what you could do that no that's crazy because they could think they would think i just he has some technology thing i don't see right yeah no that would actually work if you if you do that with confidence that would work they go like this and they say we're talking about it like yeah go like this technology moves much

faster than you think just like that with nothing in your hand yeah okay go ahead hey chris hey matt so hopefully you guys can help me with this problem that i've been having because honestly i'm at a loss at this point so any advices would be very helpful i know i know so i just moved into this new place and the neighbors right next door to me uh have this exotic bird oh it showed up right on cue i don't know if you can hear that it's going off right now it's incredibly loud um i mean the wall is kind of dampening the sound a bit but it's so quiet otherwise around here that it's so freaking loud when it goes off. In addition to that, they also have this muscle car, which they don't actually use. They just every once in a while rev it up. And it's just like so obnoxious because whenever they do that, then it kind of riles up the bird.

And it's just annoying. So the latest I've heard this bird make noise is like 830, maybe nine oclock at the very latest okay um but usually it's going crazy in the afternoon luckily i'm gone most days so it doesn't matter but it just gets annoying sometimes when you're trying to have some peace and quiet you know what i mean yeah also for a little bit of context um all the neighbors pretty much hate these guys they're like yeah the most hated course in this area. And people have called the cops on them and the cops have never done it. The bird cops come.

So that's kind of where I'm at. And you know, I'm always trying to be positive about things and trying to understand that everybody's going through their own stuff. Um, but it just seems so selfish in my opinion. Anyways, help me out. Put the bird in the car, drive the car off a cliff.

Put the bird in the car, put the guys in the car, drive the car off a cliff. The car thing I can relate to, my neighbor who is a prick has an old vintage vehicle that you don't even want to call a car because he doesn't ever drive it anywhere. That's annoying. But he does just rev it once every week or two

because he's got to keep it fresh. That's stupid. He's like, you don't take it anymore, you dickhead. I don't. But the bird thing is like, dude, that is... You got to be such a titanic asshole to get a loud exotic bird when you live in an apartment building. Full stop.

You got to be a gigantic asshole to have a bird. Period. If you live in seclusion, though, like, fine. I guess. If you live among people in very close quarters, you're such a dick, dude. Yeah, you are a dick. It's like, it makes you want to cry like how could you be that bad of a person what the fuck is wrong with you show this to your

neighbor yeah billy joe from green day what the fuck is wrong with you owning that bird also you're ruining life for everybody also you know with the car it's i think it's fine with the car if you're going to drive the car. If you're not going to drive the car, you just rev it. It's not cool. Look, I have a throat mobile, okay? There is no... What? My car's throaty.

When I started... That's not a thing. That's what it's called? I call it that. Nobody's ever said throaty? Do you guys know what throaty is? I know it just because he said it. My car is the throat mobile.

Okay, so you made it up. But I drive it, dude. And my car is very cool and i drive it okay so now see what you did was you only wanted to talk about that you have a cool car no okay it's not what i want because it's not anything like what he was i have a throat mobile and what i do with it is drive it i don't just sit there and rev it that's awful if you're sitting there and revving it you're just being an asshole to the people around you right when i turn the reason is to keep it fresh and up it doesn't get old it doesn't get like that's fine what do you call it yeah but just drive it yeah i agree i mean i agree i have a throat mobile and it's a fantastic vehicle and i only turn it on to drive it and as a matter of fact whenever i turn it on to drive it i still feel bad oh because it's still out yeah

get rid of that car i also have two modes one. One can go quiet mode. One can go large mode. And I go quiet mode a lot. Large mode? That's not what it's called. Large mode. I know that's what I call it. Is it really quiet mode though? Quiet mode and loud mode. Why do you ever not be in quiet mode? I don't.

You're always in quiet mode. Pretty much. Unless I'm on the open fucking freeway and I'm just killing it. Boo. It's a throw mobile, dude. You got to fucking take advantage. Boo. Senator.

All right. All right. alright cool let's do it next onesie punsie hey guys I want to start off by saying thank you so much for everything for all your hard work all your advice it's been wildly helpful Chris you got me through some messed up stuff you got me through high school

never failed to put a smile on my face so thank you so much. Thank you guys. Happy to be here for you. So I'm officially 185 pounds down. I've lost almost 200 pounds. Completely changed health wise and especially physically. Oh my.

Prior to losing the weight, people were really awful to me sometimes. Damn, I hate that. I mean like. I bet they're kissing your ass now. Awful. So the most ruthless, I bet they're kissing your ass now. Awful. So the most ruthless, evil out of pocket stuff. Um,

and a lot of it became kind of drilled into my head. Uh, and I started to believe a lot of it and often still do. And because of that, I'm horrible at receiving and accepting compliments to the point where I'll just be like, you're lying. Oh yeah.

Okay. No. When somebody compliments me or says that I'm pretty, for example. And that's awful. And it's super rude. And it's invalidating. And it's not me. And it's just trauma.

It's a deeper. So if you guys could help me be a little bit more or try to be a little bit more receptive to these compliments, I would really appreciate it. Because I don't want to come across as a jerk yeah thank you all right the the negative stuff is drilled into your head because you thought those people meant what they said and it hurt your feelings you thought they meant what they said because they said it people are giving you compliments now you can't just decide that the people who are mean meant it and the people who are nice don't mean it. If people say things that are mean and mean it, when they say nice things, they definitely mean it. So take the nice thing and keep it and

let it lay on you just like you do with the mean stuff that they were saying before. It's all the same value. You're just discarding it because the stuff before was negative. But the things people say, whether good or bad, need to carry the same truth value. Otherwise, it's inconsistent and that's just not fair to yourself. So you have to remind yourself that that holds as much weight as the stuff that hurt before. So let that shit make you feel good because they mean it. They're not saying it for any other reason than they mean it. When not saying it just to they're not saying it for any other reason than they mean it when you popped up i said now we're talking because i thought nice things so yeah she's beautiful yeah uh that's yeah that's true you're that was

very astute and um you know i would have said that but probably a little bit better in a better way i think that that's really really that's it i mean we're we are geared to sit to think the negative shit you know it sucks but yeah you're right actually that helps me because you know people i don't know you got to let it all in either let it all in or let it don't let it in you know but they're not you don't let people tell you how you are anyway you got to know how you are which is a very sweet you seem like a very sweet caring person and um and that's who you are so fuck these motherfuckers both ways you're you that being said it does make sense that you that the harmful hateful ones that really hurt

stick with you because we're still animals and animals are wired memory is a direct descendant of pain pain creates memories because when you are hurt you just think oh i don't want that to happen again yeah so it's worth investing energy in remembering to have that thing happen oops and uh a good thing is just naturally less important to survival because you don't need it to keep living not about survival oops but in this case we've evolved far enough that it actually is necessary to your survival right you need to remember the good things to have a life that you enjoy to feel good about yourself because it's true it's not some bullshit you're making up these people actually think it you know it's because it's just true they're just observing you know yeah i'll go one further the people that are

saying the awful things to you they don't even mean it because they're more upset with themselves anybody less likely to mean less likely yeah for sure anytime someone says some hateful bullshit it's because of them dude it's because of what they're going through yeah what kind of person looks at someone says yo you're fat somebody who's upset at the world or themselves yeah otherwise it has nothing to do with you why would you say that to somebody yeah there's no reason you know you're pissed but yeah i get it and my heart goes out to you that's rough to deal with you you know you being uh traumatized in that way you know everything that isn't nurturing is trauma that's what some people believe but um yeah so people doing that traumatize you over a long period of time and now it's hard to take a compliment

you're not this is all normal stuff yeah but you're a unique individual and uh and let that let that sink in let that let that dabble do you you know what i mean no you ruined everything you said that was beautiful all right who's next and let that double do you. You know what I mean? No. You ruined everything you said. That was beautiful. All right. Who's next? And let that dabble do you. What's up, Matt and Chris? This is Nate here from central Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.

That means, Chris, I'll be seeing you April 1st, baby. Oh, yeah. So my question revolves around anxiety and job interviews here. So I'm just finishing up nursing school here, and i'm going to be starting some interviews with some hospitals and so one thing i do know is that they'll have a panel of roughly eight or so people and um and you so sometimes you just feel like you're under a microscope and that gives me crazy anxiety and everything that makes me qualified kind of goes out the window so my first question is um how, how, how do I deal with the preliminary anxiety leading up to an interview with the hospital? And my second

question probably most important is how do I reframe my mind to put me on a level playing field with some of the interviewers? So I feel comfortable and I can really show who I am, you know, to get the job. Thanks guys. Appreciate it. I used to know. you know, to get the job. Thanks guys. Appreciate it. I used to know. Oh,

what, what good advice? I forgot. I used to know how to do this and I forgot. Those people, they're intimidating to you because you are the outsider and they hold the key to the future that you want. Okay.

You want to go? No, go ahead. Uh, but they're just like you. They just happen to be on that side of the table what i'm saying is the more you realize that that person is the same as you in terms of value it's not that hard when we go into an interview like that where the stakes are high and their decision about us is like a big thing in our lives we tend to think that they hold some power over us but they actually don't if you want to reframe your mind that's all you really need to realize that those people all eight of them five and whatever you said are

all just the same as you they're just on the other side of the table you here's what people don't realize. You've already won because when I realized – I used to do auditions. I haven't gotten more jobs than you'll ever not get, okay? I used to not get jobs because I would go in and I'd say, they're seeing so many guys. How do I know I'm right for the part? This and that and this. When I realized this, it changed not only how I felt about doing it, but also I would

get more jobs. They want you, the other side of the table wants you to be the person that so badly, they don't want to have to sit there and keep interviewing people. They want this job interview to be the last one. They want you to sit there. They want you to come in and they want you to be like, oh, fuck. Yeah, that's the guy. That's already what they're thinking. So you're playing with house money, baby. And once you realize that you've already won. Okay. Cause people go to job interviews and they're going, they're all going thinking what

you're thinking, whether it's conscious or subconscious. But if you go in and you actually realize, oh, they want me to be the guy, you're already the guy, dude. You've got such a leg up. That's it. When I started going into auditions and I was like, oh, dude, they want the guy. They want me to be the guy. I'm going to walk in and I'm going to do a hell of an acting job. If I had to play a pirate, harr. Oh, my God.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, shit. Jesus fucking wow. Right? Imagine me pirate, argh! Oh my God. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh shit, Jesus fucking, wow. Right? Imagine me saying, walk the plank,

matey. Or, if they want me to be British, hello, governor, what's going on? If they want me to be blind, look,

I'm not a proc comic, but. Whoa, dude, wait, but careful. What is this? A fucking,

poco loco? Pollo loco? Wow. You know what I'm saying? But that's my point. That's my point, dude. Pollo loco pollo loco wow you know what i'm saying but that's my point that's my point dude where is this pollo loco i can't i can't see it smells like chicken oh it's just thanksgiving dude what you it's turkey and thanksgiving so what what you what you need to do is realize you've already won and you're the guy dude i'm basically that guy

who talks like this and has a big face yes um yeah yeah and they want you this is how you know they want you to be the guy okay just to put a cherry on top no one really wants to be anywhere and certainly no one wants to be at work. They want to go home. Give them a reason to go home or at least give them a reason to check out so they don't have to listen to the other people who come in. Go in, sit down and be like, you guys can go home.

And they say, what? Yeah, exactly. Take a long sip like that. Spill a little bit. And then before you get to it, say say do you guys have a napkin or something like that wow wipe it you really milk it wipe it and then be like this i'm the guy and then go like this as far as you can until the door and if you have to keep scooting a little bit all the way to the door and then get out and then leave the only thing about that is that if they don't have a rolly chair bring your own rolly chair or have your own rolly chair just outside the door.

So if you walk in and see they don't have a rolly chair, say one second. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Guys, I have to be right back. Yeah. Or bring a buddy. Yeah. Bring a buddy.

To carry you? To bring the rolling chair in. Oh. Right? And then just. Like this. You look at the chair and say. Like this.

Hey, guys. Go home. This is how it goes. Go home. Use of a napkin thanks oh wow i mean this is really hey yeah bring the roll chair in. Thank you. Paraplegic. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Carrying a big marlin, what you just did.

What? Carrying a big marlin. Marlin? Like a big fish. Like a big fish. Dumb of all things. No, well, I'm smart. I'm not dumb. Okay.

So what I said wasn't dumb. Because I'm not that. Imagine watching that not so what i said wasn't dumb because i'm not that you imagine watching that happen i mean i would be crying i would be out of breath and then i would die but people with no sense of humor that like just work for a company they'd just be like is it okay right yeah they would be saying words before he got to the next thing you know oh okay all right oh he's to the next thing. Okay. All right. Oh, he's got the job.

And then just like, who was that one? He's got the job. He's going to be great here at Kaiser Permanente. Yeah. All right. That's it. Yeah, I think that's it. That was good.

We got it. Yeah, we did it. All right. Thank you very much for lifelining. Chrisley.com for tickets. Minnesota, Austin, Texas. I'll be there. Matt.com for one-on-one sessions Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Wee! Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. See you guys. Like and subscribe, dude. Bing bong. Pump the algorithm. Bing bong.

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