Lifeline - 52. Grace Under Pressure (ft. Bryan Callen)

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Hello. Hello. Hello. Will you please?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Are you okay? Yeah, I just get nervous. All right, well, don't be nervous. This is big, though. I've watched, I have not missed one Lifeline.

Really? Yeah, I've watched every single one of them. There's 52 or something. Yeah, I've watched all of them more than once. Whoa. I know, it's really exciting. Really? That's a lot.

It's like 100 hours. I know. It's funny. I know that you strategically made your chair higher, and yet I don't mind. Oh. Yeah, I don't mind. Well, you're also shorter than me, right? Well, yeah, but not my torso, right?

Because height is in the legs, although you have a very long torso. Okay, I have also long legs. No, if your legs were proportionate, if your body was in proportion to your legs, you'd be 5'7", 5'8"? Well, no, dude. What are you talking about? I'm good proportion, man. No, but I'm saying from your legs you'd be five seven five that's no dude what are you talking about i'm good proportion man no but i'm saying from your legs or not my legs are doing fine do you know i want you to before we get into this i'm really excited about giving advice because i've lived a life and a lot of people have said i've lived a champion's life right people have said you

live a champion's life i hear that okay like b Brian Cannon lives a champion's life? Yeah. Okay. I don't think people have said that. I want you to dress differently. No, so I can't. I've actually tried to. I know, me too. No, no, I've tried to dress differently. But you look like the guy who didn't make it in NASCAR.

But you know what? Is that fair? Is that fair, though? I don't know if that's fair, dude. Well, no, it's like he would have done it. He would have had it, but he got all caught up. Nah, dude, listen, no. You look like the guy. He got caught up. That's the problem. have done it. He would have had it, but he got all caught up. Nah, dude, listen, no. You look like the guy, he got caught up.

That's the problem. I tried it. I heard he was amazing. Yeah, he had all the talent. He would have been a superstar, but he got caught up. Driving? Just other shit, you know? Drugs and stuff?

Yeah, all that stuff. Dude, listen, man. You look like you did all the drugs and all the booze. You went through your phase, and now you're out of it, but it's too like it's too late no but you never drank no no i never drank dude you know that yeah you suffer probably from the guy i don't you know what lived on mustard turkey and no sun you know what dude what i don't suffer period right we can agree okay look yeah i am looking and you know what i see what

careful okay because you see somebody who's squared away and put together i'll tell you what you see and i'm gonna say this i'm glad we're doing this if you and i are walking down the street separately uh-huh they're mugging the shit out of you right no because you don't look like you're squared away you look like a whole bunch of different moving parts. Everything about you is in shambles. It's unorganized. That guy could have made it in NASCAR, but he didn't. They're not going to say that.

Nobody's saying I look like I could have made it in NASCAR, but I didn't. They might also say, he's been on a boat for too long. Dude, that's not true. You look like you've been on a boat for too long. Like I'm disheveled, my body's unorganized? Yeah, you look like you've been on a boat like i'm disheveled i'm organized my body's unorganized yeah you look like you've been on a boat i'm not saying you're a castaway although you could be i'm saying you just been on a boat for too long tearing up in the dock you never even got off the fucking off the boat you stayed in the slip and you drank

until you guys got to the next fucking slip what's a slip it's just it's where you put your boat okay pay a slip fee dock like a docking it you're the fucking you're the i'm not i do i don't i the point is this before you talk about my fucking appearance if you're walking down the street it's fine if you're walking down the street yeah i'm not getting predators predators see like the wounded animal and you gotta you gotta you gotta limp or something's going on with your fucking, because your legs are not everything. I don't have a limp, dude. And my legs are fucking fine size.

Okay. But. They're skinny a little bit. Yes. But there's this, right? There's this. You see me. There's no wasted space.

Brian. There are no errant parts. Brian. You see someone who's squared away. You're. Squared away. No, no, no. Okay.

And he's going to give you the what for and meet you halfway if there's a problem don't step to him because he's got eyes everywhere and i'm fucking cat quick and i'll tell you something else what i'm on the balls of my feet that doesn't matter dude listen until it comes down no your it comes down. No, you're mini. You're mini. There, I said it. You're mini. I've always wanted to tell you that. No, I'm not. Yeah, you're mini.

You're mini. Your head's mini. Your shoulders are mini. I'm 5'11", 170. Dude, you are not 170. Yes, I am. No, you're not. And you're 5'9"?

I'm 5'11". Be for real. Bro. Be for real. You're 9'11"? I'm in flip-flops real. Bro. Be real. You're 9'11"? I'm in flip-flops right now. Get a tape. Do we have a tape measure?

No. We don't have a fucking tape measure. You know we don't. I'm in flip-flops and I'm taller than 5'11". You're not 5'11". Yes, I am. You got one? He's got one.

Come over here. Oh, he's got one. Motherfucker. He's got one. We measure the height. Yeah. Dude, look at that. Look at how squared away I am.

Look at my shoulders. Three inches there. No, no, no. So three inches there. All three inches there go ahead and measure me i'm in flip-flops i'm in my toe holds all right ready all right what's it say okay oh it says 511 there we go look how I look at 5'11". 5'11 is right here for me. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, you are taller. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I'm six. I'm almost 6'3". Okay. Hey, dude. Hey. You got shoes on. E-mini. No, you got shoes on.

But let me just tell you something, dude. Okay? Yeah. So you're going to probably where this weekend? You're probably going to... Dude, that's not... I can hold that for... You're going to probably Where? This weekend You're probably going to Dude that's not I can hold that for You're going to fall and hurt yourself

I can hold that for a half hour You're So we can agree That We can agree that I'm taller Okay Okay And you're mini

You are mini Not mini So you're not mini So what's mini then? Well dude Mini is what you would be If your torso Was in proportion to your legs I already what you what you would be if your torso was in proportion to your legs i already said no that's not true my torso is in proportion to my legs and

also dude if my legs were in proportion to my torso oopsie daisy right yeah yeah yeah an athlete because nothing moves together i wouldn't be an athlete because it doesn't matter to be an athlete okay for me i got the gift of gab i used it to my fucking i used it to my advantage and now your boy could talk the doors off okay i could talk i could be in a room and dude oh i'm in trouble i see all these people closing in i could talk the doors off this place and i'll tell you about i'll tell you what these guys now on my side yeah if they get this on my so lifting a finger a lot of people come to me for wisdom and that's why i'm here they don't do that and and a lot of that's because i've lived close to the bone and when i say what i say sticks to your ribs now here's the thing means nothing so you do have the gift of gab and you do talk well thank you and i just convinced you of that because of my gift

but my my kung fu my kung fu uh master used to always say that a hollow tree makes the loudest noise when you bang it. Okay. So one of the reasons that you don't hear from me a lot. I hear from you a lot. Well, no, but when it comes down to it. So when there's no left turn or a right turn. Oh, you do. And you see me go from the balls of my feet to my heels.

Yeah. Now it's time for daddy to dig down and dig deep right it means nothing dude when i when i root my my heels in the american soil and i start and i start playing for keeps yeah now you're not going to hear a fucking peep okay you're just going to hear pop pop pop so you are going to hear something that's going to be my fists doing their work all right okay you're a stupid fuck huh or or or using open hand slapping not slapping hey it's that redistributing the weight right well it's my chi that goes and it goes into your heart your heart stops and now you die here's the good news there's no good news there is if i die okay no okay revive you i know how to revive right dude that's a

warning right i took you to hades and i brought you back all right all right listen man no no no dude no can we just fucking get to the podcast let me just say this i wanted to establish a couple things yeah i that's fine dude that's all you ever established you say you're close to the bone you've got your bootstraps on and whatever the fuck. Get the tattoos out of here. You're squared away. I'll get more. Dude, I'm going to be so tattooed up.

And you know why? What? Because I'm different now. No. And you know what I do have to do? What? For real? Yeah.

If I get more tattoos, I said to the tattoo artist, I was like, dude, I actually want to get some more tattoos. What do you want to get? I was like, maybe a snake, maybe a dagger. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to get. No, I know you did. I know exactly how you got your tattoos. You went to the tattoo artist.

No. And you held up a picture. This is not true. You did. You said, I know exactly how you got your tattoos. You said to the tattoo artist, you held up a picture of a stripper in Portland. That is kind of cool, though. And you said, I want to look exactly like this.

No, no, no, no. Turning me into a human doodle pad. A male stripper. No. A male stripper. A gal stripper you're saying i could do it if i wanted to i don't know how they identify you're saying i could dance around if i had to dance around a pole if i had to dance around a pole i could do it and and i can

i can make women attracted to it you know how women are like no we don't like that shit we're like i gotta be manly yeah i can actually take it to the next level dance around a pole and the women go like this oh come on okay no i don't oh okay i guess i'm involved no i guess i just i'm involved the woman goes like this i didn't ever really think i would be involved with something like this but i guess i'm involved you know what i'm doing too what i got the towel and i'm holding it and i'm doing the thing and the crowd's over there and the woman's here and I'm like this. I'm like, you could if you want. Okay, so after Channing Tatum comes out, this is I'm the MC at the male strip club.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, put it together. He's got the gift of gab. He's got long, stringy, very oily hair. So be careful and clean under your nails after you run your fingers through his hair. He's white. He's long. He's long. Yep. He's covered in moles.

No, no. That's what I would say. No, I'm not covered in moles. Dude, and I come out on a chair. Dude, someone wheels me out just like this. Oh, God. Dude, have you shaved or anything? No.

No, it's really wiry. It's really wiry. But at least you cleaned up, right? No. No? Nope. Dude. Open anus out. Everybody's like, right? No. No. Nope. Nope. Dude. Open anus out.

Everybody's like, oh, God. It smells must. The haters do that, but the girls are like this. I'm involved? And I'll tell you what, too. They're not shrunk and blinded by your life, dude. Yeah, they are, dude. But you're showing them your shitter.

Are you aroused, or are you just all heavy and lazy down there? No, I'm not. And just hair? Yeah. You know what my penis looks like? someone on the subway yeah dude so someone on the side so it looks like the living dead it looks like the living dead yeah like if i put a cup like a paper cup like you know with the frayed edges next to my penis. Yeah. People will be like, oh, poor guy, and put money into it. Well, you probably have your dick hole stretched just so, so you can actually put small coins in there.

Yeah. That would be really gross. Yeah, that would be really gross. And also, if wind can go into it, it goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if it can make noise, it goes. Yeah. But, okay, so I go to the tattoo artist and i'm like hey i

need more tattoos and he goes yeah okay i'm a little worried and i was like why oh am i getting too many too fast he goes absolutely not it's totally cool yeah what i'm worried about is he says first of all what did he say this yeah he says what he said this is exactly what he said i said i want to get more tattoos and he hit me right away with this you're 40 i know i know that no no no he didn't say that he said i'm worried about your he said. I said, I want to get more tattoos. And he hit me right away with this. You're 40. I know. I know that. Don't. No, no, no.

He didn't say that. He said, I'm worried about your towel situation. I said, what's this mean? He said, how many big bags from Ikea-sized bags do you have? And I said, what are you talking about? And he says, here's what I'm worried about. He goes like this. He gets real nice to me.

He goes like this. Here's what I'm worried about. And I'm just going to be straight for you. Like, I know you have, you know, obviously you can get the tattoos. You have the money and all that shit. You have the space on your, right? Even though your shoulders go on for days. He said, but we have the space, right?

Yeah. Because we did some, we're going to do some on my shoulders. Yeah. He goes like this. He goes like this. What I'm a little worried about is you start getting more tattoos. You walk or say you're walking in your car. Yeah.

Okay. And all of a sudden a few women are walking by. Yeah. I'm worried for their, if they, because it gets it gets because they're because what they can do is fall down and here's why i know why they fall down is because when they see me with all and i'm yatted up right and you see stuff peeking out right but you see stuff peeking out right and i've got clothes on and i've got enough clothes on yeah you see stuff peeking out right so you know i got something under yeah okay which signifies you you live on the edge yeah and i do and so if if a

bunch of women see that now all of a sudden they're in jeopardy for they can they can get they can get abrasions they can get a bunch of strawberries on there right by falling they can they can hurt their back why are they falling because this is what i said he says he's worried that they'll slip and i said because they're what and he's they they're dripping on the floor is that why is that why yeah yeah i asked him i said so what the fuck he says that's why i asked about your towel situation if you need more tattoos he looked at me he said i'm gonna be very frank with you yeah you need more towels yeah and i need to bring right and i said and i was like all right i guess so yeah i have a bunch of big

ikea bags that i keep with me right five or six and each of them have 12 towels in them but more yeah so because i pass them out shows you have to pass them out i pass them out. Because at your shows, you have to pass them out. I pass them out. So that they can dab their vagines. Gross. Yeah. So they go like this. They go like this. Yeah. I go like this.

This is for you. Yeah. And now if you go to jail, say, you know, whatever. Yeah. You get put in jail for murder. Right. Because, you know, you're hard. Yeah.

What gang are you in in jail for murder. Right. Because you're hard. Yeah. What gang are you in in jail? Because you got the taps. I start my own, yeah. You start your own? Yeah. I make everyone jealous of my cool new gang. Your cool new gang is what? What do you have to do to be in your cool new gang?

Honestly, there's no way you can just's no you can just be stuttering and shit you'd be a terrible you're gonna get traded for cigarettes no i go like this you want to fuck my ass okay let's do it but i you don't fuck my ass i fuck your dick with my ass they go like this oh i'm not all prepared for that here's what i would do if you were in jail. I would say, Chris, go like this with your finger. Now go like that. Okay, now put that right in my belt loop and stay close to me. Dude, first of all, you don't have... And then I'm going to trade you for contraband.

What? Why would I carry on for that? I'm going to be back in a half hour because cell block D is bored. Listen, dude. How much time are how much time it's okay look go pull up my things here pull up my things here all right so we're gonna so we're gonna first what we're gonna do is i guess i'm on we got more dates on sale okay so yeah i know crazy right and you can open for me if you want to but i'm not opening for you so charlotte north carolina knoxville look at all these dates little rock Rock, Arkansas, Nashville. Keep it moving.

Calgary, Ottawa, Edmonton, Montreal, Hamilton, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando, Fort Myers. Now, dude, hey, he keeps the seats warm, right? Because they show up. He keeps them warm, but not too warm, right? Because sometimes they stand in the middle. Sometimes they stand in the middle. Dude, you ever got a standing ovation? Middle?

People are always like, hey, you got a standing ovation. Oh, really? Yeah. I would. You ever get one in the middle because of what you're saying? In Arizona before you came in and sabotaged my show. Yep. You mean my show. No, my show.

I made it mine. No. Yeah. I made it mine. No, no, no. Listen. Listen. I'm going to be in Portland. Oh. The Helium Comedy Club. I keep it small. I made it mine. No, no, no. Listen. Listen. I'm going to be in Portland.

Oh. The Helium Comedy Club. I keep it small. I keep it tight. I keep it intimate. Right, right, right, right. Because I keep it real because I stick to my roots. Okay. All right?

And then I'll be at the Fasani Theater in Port Charlotte, Florida. Making places up. Okay. Yeah. Go to briancown.com. I went there. Oh, you went there. Okay. Go to briancown.com. That's still on your website. All right. I know went there oh you went there okay go to brian.com still on your website all right i know i'm not good with that comedy i'm not good at that dude

yeah i know all right dude all right just go to just go to brian.com a lot of dates if you like to laugh yeah and uh i'm big i'm chris's biggest influence no you're not dude one time i saw one time i saw uh uh you know how they would do like comedy shows around town and shit like and they would have flyers for them when we were coming up to instead of one times one time i saw a – you know how they would do comedy shows around town and shit, and they would have flyers for them when we were coming up to instead of – one time I saw a flyer, and it said, got no money but still like to laugh, and it was like, come on down, free show. No, I'm not even making a joke about your thing, but it was like, got no money and still like to laugh, and I was like, oh.

I almost wanted to quit. Got no money but still like to laugh. What was this? A flyer for what? For something in Canogaoga park like a fucking you know i mean yeah i i i get that you do those shows no i don't we still do right don't um all right so go to if you have a question go to you know look at the fucking uh watch lifeline.com and then a new merch is at lifeline merch.com uh now you're you're gonna get people advice in the show yeah fuck yeah dude okay now we save people's lives i understand but you don't live a normal life so what are you gonna i can get

down and dirty with people because we live the same life no look at my hands okay my hands have been my hands have worked my hands bro you're mini dude you're mini dude how am i what would you give to be uh six, two? God, what are you? Yeah, dude. Gotcha. Cracked him a little bit.

Yeah, dude. Everything. I saw behind your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To be six,

two, two, 10. Oh, you 10. Who the fuck? Everything. I get it.

All right, dude. Oh, no, dude, you know what? I walk around like I'm 6'2". I'm 6'2", 6'2", 10 here in my heart.

Okay. I got the heart of a lion. All right, dude. I do. So they call me Lionheart. You know that. They don't do that. You fucking know that.

That's a John Carpenter movie. All right. So let's go to the first person here. And this is what we do. And I know you've seen every episode because you love it. It's your favorite podcast. It's a lot of people's favorite podcast. Twice.

Twice. Oh, by the way, Matt couldn't be here because he love it. It's your favorite podcast. It's a lot of people's favorite podcast. Oh, by the way, Matt couldn't be here because he's sick. That's why he can't be here. Yeah, he's got a weak constitution. All right. Well, don't say that about my brother. If you put me, you, and Matt in an elevator.

Jesus Christ, dude. You know what you'd be doing? Pushing buttons. No, no, no. Hey, 4-7, please. That's what you'd be doing. No, no, no, I wouldn't. Yep, with a little stupid hat on. Well, I would.

But until you heard... What's that? That's korean guy who comes on and says uh he says you have one minute to fight to the death and i would in 30 seconds later i'd be going ding ding opening the door and i have some scratches on me but you'd both be dead right because i could kill both you with my bare hands in an elevator i don't even know that you need that much room to move it doesn't matter dude you don't know so right room or no room because i would take your brother and i love your brother but if it came down to squid games yeah i would i would break his neck i hate

to do that and then i'd take him by the ankles and i would beat you to death with no brother and that sucks to say out loud you know but that's how i would win a fight you'd beat you to death with your own brother. And that sucks to say out loud. But that's how I would win a fight. You'd beat me to death with my brother's ankles? Because, no, he's thin. I would pull one of his arms off. You can't. You're not a fucking ape. I'm fucking stupid strong when it comes down to competition.

Dude, you know what? I find a way to win. You know what's going to happen to you one day? What? You're going to be. I'm going to see you one day. And it's going to, you're going to, I'm going to see you one day and it's going to be soon, dude. And, and, and I'm going to see you one day and I'm going to be like, oh, it finally happened.

You're actually, you're too old. No. Yeah. And it's, and it's, this is what, this is what age is like. This is what age is like for you. That's what it's doing. No, it's not. Yeah, it is, dude.

Yeah, it is. No, it's not. No, it's not. Yeah, yeah. Age. Come on. No no age is going like this i can't i can't find a way in i don't know it's just it's something different about him his dick is always hard what well it just i'm vital i'm virile i'm virile i have a vitality

um all right so all right let's go to the first one here and then we're gonna do it oh look at that well that's your brother. Yes, it is. What's up, everybody? He's sick. Sorry, I couldn't be there today. I missed being there. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't because I got COVID.

And I didn't want to give everybody COVID. So I'm being responsible. He's not coughing. He's staying home and I miss it. I wouldn't tell anybody. I would just spread it. Chris, what's up, man? Haven't seen you since the special, which went off amazingly. And I miss you.

I love you. Sorry I can't be there today. Love you too. I heard you have a guest host. I heard you asked somebody to fill in. And I think you said it was uh your friend ryan uh ryan callum brian callan you know my so thank you ryan for filling in for me so you're available um you would be in yours so that's great um my i actually do have something

i wanted to seek your guys advice about though okay, which is why I'm making this video in the first place. Uh, Chris, it's mainly for you, but also Ryan, you can chime in. Brian! You got some ideas as well. Uh, the seat that you're sitting in right now, Ryan, is actually my seat as, as you know, as everybody knows. knows and um i since now you're in it um i'm a little i don't want to say concerned or worried but i'm trying to figure out what the best way forward is whether i just like clean it regular do i power clean it do i bleach it do i hire a commercial cleaning team to come in and make sure that the chairs,

uh, the seat and the whole area that I'm sitting in, that you're sitting in now that I usually sit in is clean and up to snuff after you kind of muck it up, get in that whole area with your own, whatever stuff. He's talking about psoriasis.

He's talking about the fact that I don't wipe. I would appreciate any and all advice on the subject. Yeah, alright. Love you, Chris. Love you, bud. Love you, everybody listening and thanks again, Ryan. Big shout out to Ryan Callum. It's Brian Callum.

He said because he knows about psoriasis and he knows you don't wipe your ass. I don't have itis, he knows you don't wipe your ass. I don't have it anymore. He knows you don't wipe your ass. I don't believe in wiping because I believe in being natural. That's disgusting. All right?

Yeah. I believe in air dry. Okay. Now listen. What? We'll just get a new chair. Yeah, get a new chair. Because also I-

Or sell it on eBay and make a fortune. Nah, dude. Right? And make a fortune. If we sold Brian Cow count's chair honestly how much you think we'd get for it well it depends on if you want to ovulate or not and if you want a child what yeah what are you talking about my scent my scent actually causes women to ovulate yeah that's a fact that's a fact but told by who you went to what a nutritionist yes that see i got

you there because that's not who would tell you that okay well maybe i went to the wrong person but i know i only go to nutritionists for everything, for all my advice, including my financial advice. I'm so broke. I know. I know I invested in raw milk and it doesn't last. Yeah, they're fucking going to tell you wrong shit, man. They told me I could turn into yogurt and I did a terrible job.

I bought pallets of raw milk. That's terrible. I know. People say that you shouldn't take advice from realtors, but you take advice from a nutritionist? I bought told me to buy milk futures because they said that what is milk futures you buy milk and you just you you bet that the milk is going to go way up in value because because why would milk go because the guy told me that cows are they they that cows are not as plentiful as the media is making them see milk that's heard spoiled milk? That's not what the media is lying about.

The media is lying about everything else in the world, but not that, dude. The media is lying about everything else that's going on in the government, everything else that's happening with all the different movements, but it's not that that they're lying about, dude. Well, he said invest in milk

because everybody's going to want milk and it's going to be as short as milk. Yeah, sure. They lie about Trump, they lie about Biden, they lie about Black Lives Matter, but they're not lying about that, dude. At least I know that Fauci told the truth. No but they're not lying about that dude at least at least at least I know that Fauci told the truth no they're lying about me too but they're not

lying about that dude come on man listen listen I have some advice for your brother okay um Matt Um, Matt. No. Danzig just text me from the eighties. He wants his fucking earring back. Stupid. Danzig wants his earring back. He's got a dangly mother. He's got a dangly earring, but you know what? He's got a dangly cross. Do you know what I'm going to get?

Hey, get that dangly cross from the eighties and give it back to one of the singers from wham. Okay. To the, to not George Michael, but the other singer from wham. You know, I'm going and give it back to one of the singers from Wham. Okay. To not George Michael, but the other singer from Wham. You know what I'm going to do? Give that back to him. When you pass away,

and I'm not, whatever it is, I'm not saying it's going to be soon. I'm just saying whenever you pass away. Just had a checkup, came back immortal. Keep going. Okay, you're not came back immortal,

all right? You can still get hit by a bus. So here's the deal. If you, when you pass away, I'm going to get a dangly earring. I'm going to get a dangly earring. I'm going to get a dangly earring.

It's going to be very big. Hold on. Very, very big. I'm going to put you on it. No, no. Hold on. And just walk and drag you behind me. No. Yeah, yeah.

No. And get tattoos on you. You'll be dead. I'm going to get tattoos on you. I am not. Life rips on you. Dude, I'm not going to be turning into a Christ figure. I appreciate it. Crystal is number one fan. I appreciate it, but I'm not going to be turning into a christ figure i appreciate it but i'm not gonna be turning into a christ figure i'm not i refuse that i there's there's only one jesus

and yes i give and yes i am an example of of grace under pressure whatever it might be and yes and yes yes yes yes i'm a moral warrior but you're not gonna let you turn me into a christ figure obviously you're gonna die way before me you already look older and that's not true dude when you say that i feel like i lose i lose years i know you're a creature of the night creature of the night speaking of creature of the night i do sleep i do go to sleep late and i wake up late and then and kristen's like why didn't you wake up early so anyway let's go to the next one so anyway no she says when you wake up and make eggs for the baby so anyway let's go to the next one no no i know no no no then i say hey baby you know maybe calvin should eat muffins maybe

he should eat eggs and then she says why don't you wake up early and do it and then i feel bad so anyway this is good this one okay now here's what i do with my baby here's what i do with my baby i put some organic milk in there okay in there in him so i make him a protein shake listen to this because babies are finicky so i take a banana i take strawberries i take some oats yeah i take some some whole milk okay some organic grass you get boring you get boring by listing a bunch of fucking grocery items okay so let's move on from that you said a bunch of grocery items let's move on okay because i get it and i put some spinach in there whoops oh you got more boring how do you fucking go from the most boring list to then say spinach? I'm trying to teach you about nutrition.

All right. You can get your kid to have a shake. All right, cool. It's sweet and it's delicious. All right, cool. Anyway, so keep going. You can't feed your kids sugar cubes. That's not the way to teach.

How are you feeding your kid? Maybe I can help you. He wakes up sometimes. We give him muffins because it's like, you know. Okay, muffins. But what else? What else do you do? I don't know, man.

What else? It's fine. I'm not going to judge you on it. All right. So I give him muffins. Okay, muffins. Then he plays on a pad for a while. Plays on a pad for a while?

Yeah. Okay, what other nutrition do you give him? Okay, all right. After that, maybe, I don't know, he'll maybe see the dessert I got last night from Postmates and he'll be like, I want that. And I'll give him some. That's a lot of sugar. They say chocolate's good.

Okay, what else? Do you give him some that's a lot of chocolate okay what else did you give him so then then maybe i'll give him some turkey and mustard and he mostly just eats some mustard oh so he's living on mustard cake and yeah and more cake he's smart so far though no he's not gonna grow with mustard cake my special is gonna crush it's about your kid oh yeah yeah i know i know But I did it and I was dialed in, dude. Okay, dude. I know. The first one went great. Didn't need the second one.

Did the second one. And I was dialed in, dude. Okay, dude. Okay. Yeah, I was, dude. Listen. It's different now. It's different.

Dude, he tells a story. Oh, for fuck's sake, he tells a story. It's not just about comedy anymore. Oh, for fuck's sake, he was forced on a level enough oh he was was he hey who'd you see last night i'll give you a hint he was dialed in oh it was delia no no for fuck's sake he's got his story to tell doesn't he he came out to fire oh fuck he's got a story to tell dude i know they're teaching man tears my special on youtube's in school they are you don't hear me fucking talking about that no listen chuck full of metaphor chuck full of messages and you're gonna laugh so hard don't

have the family with you because it's just got to be a personal experience you're gonna laugh you're gonna cry and you're gonna change and that's the difference no and my next specialist called you're gonna change no that you can't because you because you don't have a choice are you working new no before we get am i working new material yeah am i working new material you say that and then i come see you and then sometimes you're doing shit from mad tv some days i decide i'm gonna i'm gonna rehash some of the oldies because people go classics give us the hits and it gets so overwhelming i go i'll give you one hit all right but for But for the most part, am I working on something? That's obnoxious.

I know, but you saw Chappelle, right? Dave Chappelle? You've seen Rogan. You've seen Burr. Yes. Come see me. That's not a big deal. Not a big deal. So you're saying you're putting yourself.

You've seen Bruce. Yes. You've seen Pryor. Yeah, I you're saying you're putting yourself. You've seen Bruce. Yes. You've seen Pryor. Yeah, I know them. I've seen them. You've seen Carl. I've seen them. You've seen them.

Okay. Come see me. So you're putting yourself in it. By saying that, you're not directly saying it, but you are putting yourself. I'm not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. You can hear what other people are saying. All right. All right? You can hear what other people are saying alright

you can hear what other people are saying but I'll tell you what and you're doing a great job watch your special I'm going to call mine transcendence and then watch man tears alright dude man tears dude

Russell Peters gave me that I'm not good at naming I'm not good at branding and I'm not good at naming i'm not good at branding and i'm not good at merch i'm not good at those things we know that because i'm so deep in art i'm so knee deep in art yeah that i forget about the commerce i'm put i'm calling mine the american that went up a hill but came down a mountain is that bad i i've never heard that before super literal and long is there anything can you do a better is there a better title because that's a really that doesn't really roll off the tongue i've thought about it the american who went up the hill and do you guys see that see watch watch uh i watched that special the american who went

up the hill and then came down again do you guys watch that mountain he went up the american that went up a hill but came down a mountain the american that went up a hill and came down a mountain see i don't even know what that means so much well you will if you see the whole thing dude you know why i've got a story to tell. Dude, here's the deal. My shit's going to fucking, oh, shit. What? My shit.

I hate to say this, but. When is it dropping? I don't know. I don't know yet. Because I have to make sure that the world is ready. The world is ready. What do you mean? They're ready.

They've seen Man Tears. They've seen Complicated. All right. So, look. Let's do another fucking one here. But anyway, I'm going to call mine Gangbusters. mean so they're ready they've seen man tears they've seen complicated all right so look let's do another fucking one here but anyway my mind's mama called my gangbusters here we go this is a guy first of all shade that i have a question okay i need advice on and it's stupid as shit he's buckled in because what is the correct way to flip someone off i used to do it like this with a thumb out yeah like an l that's kind of stupid then in high

school a guy told me that's goofball shit you look like a nerd so then for like four years i switched to this yeah well let me do it my yeah dominant hand yeah or like this right but this feels weird my fingers are all yeah you know yeah i like this but is this nerdy yeah it's nerdy like if someone detracts like at the edge of fighting someone what would be more scary to see this or this okay i i go i know what's the right way you go you i don't know now i feel stupid doing this people this is not right yeah because you it you're it's well that's distracting right that's distracting yeah you're taking away the power of this yeah right so this is ridiculous so you what do you do okay so well if i'm gonna fight yeah but if i'm gonna fight. Everything goes to fighting. Well, but you said it.

Yeah, I know. I'm not giving you the finger. I'm just moving in. All right? All right, dude. Yeah. You're closing the gap? Yeah.

Okay. And then it's not going to matter because you're just going to hear a loud bang. All right, dude. Because what? You're going to slip and fall and hit your head? No, you're going to take a nap. Oh, wow. How amazing would that be?

Bang. Yeah, no. You're going to take a nap. I'm stupid, you said. I've never said that. I don't say anything. You're like this. I was stupid, Dale.

I don't say anything that makes me weak. Jordan Peterson, you guys have a minute? Oh, no, dude. Okay, okay. No, no, no. Listen, I go like this. A lot of people say go like this. I don't like that

i put that fucking thing i fucking dude i strap it i strap the other fingers down boom that's fine what i do is this though i think it's something i think there's something really powerful about yeah about just so so you just look at the person you go like that and they think that you're gonna fight them you go like that like you're gonna shake your're going to fight them. You go like that. Like you're going to shake your fist, son of a bitch. Wow, dude. So I'll just go like this. I just go like that. Uh-huh.

Okay. You'd be knocked out by now already. And then I go like that. Would be knocked out. I don't know. Do you see how slow that was? Yeah, but they would be already fucking knocking you out. So be yelling at me.

Hey, screw you, man. You're the worst. I don't like you. Dude, what do you do? What is that, man? Who do you think you are what is it what do you do and then i go i play the piano fuck and then there's a story about me no learning how to play without this finger this finger is permanently disfigured yeah but i still crush it all right at the end you're crying because i'm crushing it your mind's playing the rock nine you're what all right dude i love piano man oh i love classical don't you never

played piano i live for classical piano my fingers bounce you know the story no i don't know the story bounce my father my fucking father what used to just i used to be forced to sit at a piano but i wasn't given a stool i I had to hold a squat. My legs would burn, and my fingers would dance across the piano. They really would? Yes. And my papa, who was a fierce military man, had a cruel smell. He smelled like gunmetal and tobacco and leather,

and he would lord over me with a rattan cane, and he would bring it down on my boy back, my naked boy back. Again, boy. And I would say, yes, papa papa thank you for not giving up on me papa and he would place the piano in front of the window for home and i would watch the children of the neighborhood play through my tears dude brian what you're the worst person how many times about you said you said you were going to break my finger. What's the last time you told that story? That's just popped out. Okay. You're a lunatic.

You live in a fantasy world. I don't know what you're talking about. I just recalled my father being abusive. All right. And he used to lord over me. And I still have marks on my back from his rattan. His rattan.

Stop saying rattan, dude. Learned rattan today. His cane. Learned rattan cane today. Fine. All right. I'm sorry that I got personal on this podcast.

Sorry. Let's bring it back to stupid land. Play the next video. All right, next one. What's up, guys? You're Dutch. Chris, I'll be seeing you in Tulsa. Oh, I already did.

I'm just going to cut to brass tacks here. Nice. When I'm doing the horizontal mambo, I'll be too quick to splurting. Word up! So how do I slow down so I'm not so quick to crack a cat-cat? Yep. Help me out. Okay, do it. Also, side note,

how sub-itch is it when you get out of the shower and you're trying to dry yourself off, especially trying to reach back and dry your back off? Yep. Thanks, guys. It actually is, dude.

To be like this. You're a bitch if you do that. But here's the deal. It is when you've got a back that we've filmed the Lord of the Rings on. But I'll tell you what, dude. This guy, about the horizontal monitor, dude, quick to splurt. You win.

You win. Yep. Oh, dude. Because you know why? Why? Because you know when people say life's about the journey? Nah. No?

It's about the splurt. No, I don't think so, dude. I know. I know. If I'm with my wife i go whoa and at first i go i want that one god and then i roll over i lop over and i just go and i turn on fucking gross yeah i put on something with uh what's his name what's that guy's name uh fucking god you've lost a bit wait what's his name you know what i say what i say

you're welcome or this is for you no or god bless america oh that's not good that's what i say i go i go i win i go like that and i go uh-oh uh-oh she was i'm about to win and then i and i and i lop over dude and i'm not even dude i lop over and i go and and dude and my fucking beard hair is all gross and nappy and shit if you if you don't want to come think about that just think about chris doing that play chris talking about how he nuts and you won't yeah dude or you know how you stop from coming too quickly what think about your mom no dude that's not that's not cool food network are you looking at the guy alton alton brown dude i go oh no i go oh no you know what i do before i honestly before i if i'm too quick oh

no i said oh no i'm about to be silly. And then I... Don't do that noise. Don't go... And then I flop over. And then I turn on something with Alton Brown. So disrespectful. I won. And then I look over and say, I won. Oh, that's not attractive.

And your tongue sticks out because you're so lazy. You're too lazy to even keep your tongue in your mouth. I go, sorry, you're so lazy. You're too lazy to even keep your tongue in your mouth. I go, sorry I was so silly. I'm 56, man. I can't do this anymore. Really, I can't. I want to quit. I don't want to do this. I don't want this to be my life.

I want to be taken seriously. There are people who have been presidents at my age dealing with stuff and I to do this. I don't want this to be my life. Yeah, it's too late. I want to be taken seriously. There are people who have been presidents at my age dealing with stuff, and I'm doing this. I'm friending you. And you have friends that are doctors, and here you are here watching me go like this. I do. I have friends who are mathematicians.

Sorry I was silly. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to quit everything. I wish I had the money to just go away and, like, read books and be an adult. I'd still call you. I want to be an adult. And I'd still call you and we'd still do these bits, dude. Sorry I was so silly.

Is my tongue out again? You know, we have kids, and they're going to look us up and go, what did your dad do? My dad, you know, created them up with a new app or a new way to do an operation. What did your dad do? My dad, you know, created him up with a new app or a new way to do an operation. What did your dad do? Dude, I fucking... He'll go, never mind. No, dude. Sometimes people see me

and they go, oh, dude, did you have sex today? And I say, why? He says, your tongue's out. And they go, it's all brown. And you go, coffee coffee and muffins my son didn't finish his muffin and i don't brush or wipe i air dry my mouth and my shitter oh god well what now oh now that's too much that's too much that's too much dude fuck man you're you're unhealthy looking. What? Dude. Yeah. So, yeah. Fuck, I have a karate class in two hours.

I'll have time to stretch. All right. Keep going. Next one, yeah. Hey, guys. It's Jenny. So I drive a lot, and I happen to have to drive during the worst possible times to drive. That sucks.

I know y'all live in los angeles i've dealt with southern california traffic myself i live in sacramento now but i swear it is atrocious and i just get so mad at nothing so like how do you what do you guys do to stay calm especially in your in your traffic do y'all just hire drivers or brian drives me you have to like listen usually i'm listening to lifeline is what i do to chill out i have to like make myself laugh but other than that i literally i'm like a lot for my interviews angry fuck and i don't ever give out road rage but i just hate it i hate driving now um because of traffic so what do you guys do i'll let you know when i figure it out how about that i get fucking mad at you i never do i don't

get mad at drug dude i haven't i have to like fucking sometimes i get angry bro i just gotta breathe you do yeah over what traffic little shit bro you can't control that oh dude oh hey you just cured me man okay but i mean oh i can't control it oh dude oh hey you just cured me man okay but i mean oh i can't control it oh dude i wish somebody just said that okay what are you mad at the fact there are just too many cars it's not even about wishing for a plum shit dude like what like fucking dude like i don't want to talk about it no you can tell me i'll help you and i can i bet i can provide a solution so what do you get mad about i'll have to think about it okay so let me so can i make yeah so the next time you get mad call me okay i'll come over okay okay it'll take so long and i'm gonna

take this part of my hand that part of my hand and i'm gonna paint brush your stupid los angeles face that's it don't because you're not in new york and you're not east coast i'll take i'll slap i'll slap it out of you so then you have perspective and you go man it could be so much worse dude that it could be worse for anyone man okay this is not not if you're on fire the if you were on fire that it can't get worse so you have to be more careful with how you talk all right well i i'm assuming that i'm not talking nobody someone nobody ever says somebody who's on fire could be worse because it can't right well all i'm saying is that yeah but i'm what i'm saying is you're not really probably talking to somebody who's on fire because they're already going to maybe okay but you said it can always be worse and i've said i said i corrected you okay but be more accurate okay what if someone

was on fire like oh no i'm on fire i on fire. And then somebody literally came up to him and said, oh, dude, I have news for you. Your father never loved you. That's worse. I don't. I got you, dude. Oh, no, I'm on fire. And are you serious? Oh, no.

And then they die. I guess technically. Yeah. So I'm right. I don't. I don't think you're right, though, because I think when you're on fire, I don't think any of that is heard. And I don't think you're worried about that. And I don't think you're even able though, because I think when you're on fire, I don't think any of that is heard. And I don't think you're worried about that.

And I don't think you're even able to hear somebody when you're on fire. So I think your point's moot. Hey, dude. Now, I will say this. If you're on fire and then they go, you think that's bad? And then they light your family on fire, that's probably when it gets worse. You know what's funny? What?

I was – I noticed I had this little, do you see the scrape right there? That looks like it's going to lead to something serious. Just a little scrape right there. Yeah, but that's how it starts. But you see it, right? Yeah. Okay. A little red right there.

Yeah. I'm like, I don't know what the hell it is, but it's like this. And it's been like that for a long time. Yeah. It's a wound that won't heal. Yeah. So I go to the, I was actually at the doctor for something else. And I was like, what is this?

This won't get worse. He's like, I don't know. Just keep tabs on it. So like, all right. Weeks later, months later, I'm back at the doctor for something else. I ask, you know, I say, what is this? And he's like, yeah, it's there. It's okay.

Probably. It's just a red thing. You figure it out. And I'm like, okay. But I'm kind of worried about it because it's been so long that it's been there and so i really start to think about like how what is it why does this why why is this here because it's not there for no reason right so i'm like all right i'm trying to keep tags of what i'm doing every day that's keeping it that's keeping it like this so i noticed the only thing that i do when i keep like this is the only

thing i do is when i go into my yep jeans right so i'm like okay it's got to be something there so i started really paying attention whenever i go to my keys like this and then i i i noticed that when i go for my keys or whatever it is when i go for my wallet whatever it is that's when i do feel something okay and i i'm so like i think it's just one pair of jeans so i take the jeans off i look at the jeans there's nothing there and then i put on other jeans and i keep noticing it's happening with the other jeans too so now i'm like is something up with my hand the way it goes into my jeans or whatever like that every pair of jeans i wear i'm doing like this so i i look at every pair of jeans there's nothing there and then it's

nothing here i go i try medicine nothing's really helping it i wear jeans every day so i'm finally like dude i'm losing my mind calvin has a little like um has a like a science kit and i'm like maybe if i grab the magnifying glass i'm gonna look at the jeans in that way because something's got to be up with these jeans yeah so i grabbed the mic the the the what do you call it the magnifying glass and i look at these genes and and i'm i'm looking at studying and i see this very very very very very very extremely tiny diving board and And I'm like, what? And then I realized, oh, it's because my pockets stay deep. Right?

I got diving boards on my jeans right above my... Because my pockets run deep! You know, that's too long a story to get to that. And I want my time back. i have to be on a plane tonight i can't i'm busy man i can't i'm i want an adult conversation stupid dining board yeah fuck dude so all right yeah i have to carry my money around in a backpack or something don't use cash you want to go to the next caller yeah let's go to the next caller man god maddie from texas uh chris you just recently sent us a cameo right before i had my son doc and it was really awesome so thank you for that but since having our son we've been drinking a lot of coffee and the other day my husband decided to get the chris special which for shots of espresso

over ice uh is a little intense and he was wigging out super hard and we were wondering like how you got there has it always been four shots you kill your adrenals okay yeah you kill your adrenals what has your caffeine journey looked like? Yeah. Anyways, we love the podcast. Love you guys. See ya. Hey.

Yeah. We kill your adrenals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why. I drink so much coffee. Who cares? How much coffee? How many shots of espresso do you have?

And you don't pay attention to the taste either. I've got no idea how many shots I have. But the other day, I had four shots, and it wasn't enough, and I got a headache. And you needed more. Oh. I had to take Advil because I was at home. I was like, I've got to go to sleep. Now you sleep.

Do you sleep 11 or 12 hours? How many hours? Oh, bro. Dude, I've been fucking struggling sleeping now. Oh, yeah, I know. That's because you're drinking all the coffee. No, no, no. I've always been drinking all the coffee. Yeah, but you get older. You get older, and it You're drinking all the coffee No no no I've always been drinking all the coffee Yeah but you get older

You get older and it fucks you up man So now I wake up Are you eating before you go to bed? Yeah Yeah yeah I live the life of a king Okay but don't do that Yeah whatever

When What do you want to eat? You want to eat? I'm hungry yeah I don't ever think about it Okay but You want to order something? I'm not hungry now

But I will be when the food gets here That's me You can toss and turn. I toss and turn, dude. I got a fucking belly full of pasta just washing Alton Brown. Just, oh, you want to let me win, babe. Oh, God. Today on Cooks.

I'm so jealous of Kristen. Wait, what? You're hot. You're jealous of Kristen? Yeah, what? You're hot. Oh, his belly full of pasta. He's going to Kristen. Wait, what? You're hot. You're jealous of Kristen? Yeah, what? You're hot. His belly full of pasta. He's got to poo.

Oh, man. All right. Bad posture, huh? Like a jungle shrimp. You know I have good posture, dude. You have bad posture. Your back is made of rope. You're like a crustacean.

Nah. Hey, dude. I have good posture. Man, what the fuck? There's something about me, huh? You're a human cephalopod. Let's go to the next one. What is it?

This is Jack from Chicago. So I was out to dinner with some friends the other night, some of which I knew better than others. We're going to brag. You know, I ate my full meal. I'm like, Chris, a hamburger is just a snack to me. But then when the meal was over and we were all just sitting there, I noticed that the girl sitting across from me had not eaten all her food. And so I was like, hey, mind if I finish off that chicken? And she was like, uh, no.

You know, just kind of brushed me off, said no. And so I was like, okay. I pulled back, right? Maybe she wants a box. Maybe she wants to take it home. Waiter comes, clears the plate. She doesn't ask for a box. Okay.

So nobody gets to eat that food. And now I'm sitting there like, hey, yeah. Well, am I the weirdo in a friendly situation asking to eat someone else's food? Or is that a little bit out of line? Let me know what the protocol is on this one, guys. It's one of those things that's not out of line, but what are you doing? Eat your food and then order something else? You're like, what?

Although that girl's weird because usually if you say, can I have your food? I go, yeah. Yeah. You're not going to eat it. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, but why is this guy? Or I go like this. There you go.

There you go. You feed him? That guy? Yeah, she should have done that. But what does he do with his bone? You have a square head. It's hard to be fair. Cut a small piece oh yeah dude it's peanuts that's a dick barf yeah yeah

dude so feeding that thing peanuts it's weird to be like it's weird to be like hey can i have your food to somebody yeah it's that's also weird like you're gonna you're gonna eat that yeah you're gonna eat that yeah like she probably was like maybe yeah right like she was like i don't know yet yeah maybe and then and they came and she was probably like now you can take it what if that's the guy that's just always like you're gonna eat like he was like oh let's not invite him again she might have been a kind of girl that said thinks that's the guy that's just always like, you're going to do, like, he was like, oh, let's not invite him again. She might've been a kind of girl that said, thinks that's bad manners. And so she went, I was thinking about dating you, but you know what? Now that you did that, nah.

Right. Have you ever been on a date with a girl? She does one thing and you go, I can't do it. Yeah. Like what? What was your thing? Manners? One time she just threw all up over the table and goes like this.

Let's get out of here. And I go, no, I can't. Why did she talk that way? She was 95. That's an old lady, huh? But she had work done, so you couldn't tell? No, I, yeah. There was one time where, actually one time where I was with a woman that I was seeing,

and we were eating at Bossa Nova, you know, the place on Sunset. Anyway, it's a fucking whatever restaurant, but it's good. Across from the Laugh Factory, right? No, not even close. So it's not even close there. So I'm just guessing. So you might as well not say anything instead of that. So I was with her and she was eating and I was eating with her.

I'm like, maybe I like this girl. I don't know. She's cool. She's hot. And then she was eating and then she's just like going like this, like and she was eating and I was eating with her. I'm like, maybe I like this girl. I don't know. She's cool. She's hot. And then she was eating and then she's just like going like this. Like as she's eating, she goes – and she literally says to me, I don't know. I just love dancing when I eat. And I go like this.

In my head, if she only knew, I thought, what am I doing? Yeah. And I didn't hang out with her again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be that my friend was on a date with a girl who didn't who who he she was she talked fast yeah she was aggressive she was pretty and um she ate her whole meal without taking her gum out of her mouth oh come on i'm dead serious what bro she ate her whole meal that's disgusting without taking her gum out of her mouth oh come on i'm dead serious what bro she ate her whole meal that's disgusting

without taking her gum out of her mouth and he kind of went i think she might be a little crazy but he couldn't tell yeah you can talk to that and then um and then she ran for president out of her van she got a van and it didn't she didn't get elected did she at least make the uh top eight or whatever she didn't even do that apparently no what do they call that but she had a loudspeaker and he saw her like campaigning for president vote for me and he went well that was see that's i that was good that i didn't go on a second date with that person right yeah i guess i wish she was our president honestly huh i think right now she would fucking be killing it over biden yeah probably i don't know he's old he's very old yeah um next uh

chris disgusting got a question for you guys is that part of the necklace a buddy that was on a work trip recently and he had like a hour-long flight that he was about to go on okay and he had like a hour long flight that he was about to go on. Okay. And he was hungry. So he got, uh, a tuna fish sandwich in the terminal. Um,

but he didn't eat it in the terminal. So he waited until he got onto the airplane. No. And, uh, I think that's wrong. Yeah, it is.

I think you should eat your sandwich now. Yeah, 100%. Thanks for the example. That's the problem. When you get it. That's the problem. And then I just feel like that's wrong to, one, have a tuna fish sandwich that you buy at a terminal, and two, to wait until you're on the airplane.

And you had time to eat it before. So disgusting. But I think it's wrong to wait because one tuna fish is stinky and two that's just gross so well it's just stinky it's the stinky thing that's bad yeah yeah you don't do eggs tuna yeah chinese food there was somebody who brought out fucking chinese food once yep uh even but honestly even like anything dude yeah if it's if it's too smell, then no. If it's too much of a smell, then no.

You got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Even jerky can smell like garlic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if it's hot food or tuna or eggs, bro. Dude. That's why for me, I always bring some salted game meat that I've killed myself. And if I've earned it, some sliced yams. If I've earned it.

All right. So this is like if you're going to- But for me to earn yams, for me to earn a starch is, I mean- This is becoming something that it's not. Well, I punish myself, right? So- Right? So if my body is screaming for mercy and I go, we're going to do a couple more sets.

We're going to run a couple more hills. Okay. Right? When I get to the wall, I climb a couple more sets. We're going to run a couple more hills. Okay. Right? When I get to the wall, I climb the wall. Okay. Right? Right. I climb the wall.

Okay. Most people go, like a guy like you goes, there's a wall. I can't. Okay. I climb the wall. All right. Right? Okay.

Then I'll let myself eat some yams. Take it easy. This guy's talking about a tuna fish sandwich with salt doesn't smell keep it natural get your fucking hand out of my face keep it natural okay right yeah so when i do this you're fine when i do that yeah we're about to go to battle and the next i'm gonna blink and it's gonna be that bang again all right listen dude the guy's talking about bringing smelly food on an airplane. And you're talking about fucking running hills.

I'm already bored with that. You're bored with that? Yeah. I think that you should not bring smelly food on the airplane, period. Especially if it's an hour-long flight, you're a piece of shit. Eat it before or after. Right. But what do you snack on on the plane?

Nuts. Maybe I'll have some chocolates. The person next to me might snack on their hair. That's kind of... Yeah? i eat maybe i'll have like some maybe like chocolates i might eat uh the person's next to me might snack on their hair that's kind of yeah yeah just i don't even like it it's disgusting for me but it fucks with them and it's like i'm so alpha when i do it what you see you discard you they normally don't say something sometimes i'll be like what are you doing i'll be like how can you stop me yeah i'll say go ahead and try and stop me yeah and then they just go yeah and it's not worth it because usually like you know an older lady or something i don't care okay yeah good dude i was

on a plane the other day yeah and uh i told this on my congratulations podcast but some fucking this alarm went off this lady went to go to the bathroom the alarm went off yeah and uh and her alarm went off in the seat and she wasn't there and it was like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You saw that? Nobody's touching it. It was three minutes. The lady next to me goes like this, looks at me.

I'm on my phone. I'm like this. Next to me, she goes like this. Is that your phone? And I was like, do you know, I couldn't even tell you how angry I got. What?

I said, what? My phone? I would turn it off. Dude, that, that. You asked me what makes me angry? That kind of shit makes me angry. But you should have gone like this. This is what makes me angry.

What? The story that you're telling. Because I want to go back and I want to go, hey, you, go like that to her phone. But you didn't want to touch her phone. Yeah, because I don't want to touch people's property. I don't like to touch people's property. Well, that's worth it. Watch this.

I know, I know. I know. And it would have been fine if mine was going off and someone did that. But like, you know, get it together. When she came back, she go, oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

She was cool about it. Yeah. I mean, it was so loud. I didn't even know phones going on. And then you put her hair back in your mouth? Yeah. She's sitting in front of me. So I just, I waited for her to recline and then I go like this.

Actually, when people recline, I bring shampoo and I do their hair. You know what I did? What? There was a woman in front of me and she was talking to her friend and they were freezing. She was freezing. I always bring stuff, but she was freezing. She had shorts and it was a cold flight. It was a three-hour flight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. and um and after i was done you know kind of taking pictures and stuff okay i uh i uh i just couldn't take it anymore and i took out my fleece and i gave it to her oh and she goes she goes like this she goes thanks like that she goes. You're kidding me. Puts it on. Okay. And then I was done. She goes,

Oh, after it, she goes, thanks. And hands it back. But kind of like a, thanks. I was like,

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Yeah. Like, Hey, say more, say more. Yeah.

Say more. I saved you. Cause I know it was freezing. Like say more. She goes, do you have blankets? No, nothing.

Then she goes back to talking to her friend. was like and her friend felt bad her friend goes thank you dude what's up with pieces of shit oh god you open a door to somebody they walk in they don't say shit my friend found somebody's wallet the woman goes yeah i can't pick it up then um no yeah she goes yeah all right maybe can you meet me no that's not gonna work for me yes he was like unbelievable i have your fucking wallet she's like no that won't work for me um let me think when i can pick it up yeah can you do it like how about like how's tuesday he was like are you out of your come get it that's crazy you don't come now i made money i made money yeah wow that's insane yeah awful all right well uh that's it that's the last one thanks for listening um i got so

many places going on sale uh they're all on sale now go to hamilton go to uh knoxville and fucking ohio and all sorts of places in florida i got montreal edmonton, Nashville, Charlotte, Colorado Springs. Go peruse. ChrisAlea.com. New dates all live now. And you want to plug anything or what? Look, guys, my special man tears just dropped. Check out his special.

It's fucking hilarious. Hilarious. Yeah. And I'll be in Portland. Go to BrianCallen.com. I got May. I'm busy in May. I got the Fasani Theater May 4th, 5th, and 6th.

I got a bunch of stuff the next week and the next week and the next week. I think I'm doing something every weekend in May. You know what I'm saying, bro? Yeah, man. All right. All right, dude. Hey, I pumped this thing up. All right. It's fine, dude.

It's going to do well because people like us together. New blood. New blood. All right. Tune in next time. That'll be better, and we'll have the same program that we usually do. Sorry about this fucking bump in the road but thanks for coming dude honestly you're welcome buddy this is one of your last podcasts right we get up there so uh if you have a question go to

watch lifeline.com to get the new merch lifeline merch.com brian did you pass it brian brian brian okay she's like anyway uh we appreciate you and like and subscribe and leave a comment pump the algorithm and also who's better me or Brian me hey come on hey guys that's how you do it that's how it's done