Lifeline - 53. Mr. Butt Guy

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

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This is Lifeline, your favorite show, the most popular show in America on TV or the internet. As you can see, I'm here alone. There's no one in the chair next to me. You might have noticed Chris, my brother Chris is not here. And there's a reason for that. Am I allowed to say the reason? Yeah. Yeah. He is at the hospital having another baby. Actually, Kristen is the one having the baby. Chris is there spectating. But yeah, at the hospital, couldn't be here this week. There are more important things, believe it or not, than Lifeline.

But this is episode 53. Where did the time go? Wow, we're doing this just over a year. Damn. Chris, despite everything that's going on with him in his life is currently on tour go to chrisdalia.com to get tickets he may be coming to your city i'm not going to list the cities though because i hate when he does that uh if you have a question for us on the show click the link in the description below or go to watch lifeline.com and if you want a one-on-one session, advice session with yours truly,

baby, baby, pimping, pimping, that's me, Matt D'Elia at mattd'elia.com. Book your sessions now. And also, this is not the new, but we got the new, new Merchando, Merchandises, Merchandisimos at the store. And it store and it's fucking pimping pimping that purple one is just so good i wear it all the time but i already wore it on an episode so i can't do it now so chris is having a second kid and that i was telling him this this is i i love Cal so much, obviously, but I already have a soft spot for his unborn or who knows, maybe now born son because I was the second born. And I've been thinking about what it means to be a second born as this whole thing has been going on. And it's so, so different.

You have things easier because your parents have been around the block. You get away with fucking murder. But also, at least in my case, the older brother, by way of the fact that he can just, just the fact that he can speak, there's this dynamic that gets established

that he's the one that is louder and sort of more advanced. And that set me and Chris on the path of him always being the one that just would never shut the fucking fuck up. And I kind of took a backseat and laid back comfortably and chilled and would let him get into trouble. But there's all these like different dynamics that I'm really curious to see with his kids, especially what Cal's going to be like with a little bro. I can't wait to see that. My brother spent, and I can say this because he's not here. He spent a large portion of my infantdom i guess pushing me into like doorways like there's all these old home videos of like we would be running into one room and then he was faster obviously so

he would like pass me and in passing me he would just like fucking elbow me into the door which was cool there's one on christmas morning There's one video of us on Christmas morning. I was a little bit older. So my head was at the height of the doorknob, and he just bulldozes me in the doorway. So rude. And fucking does it. It's almost like so fluid.

It looks graceful and maybe like he didn't mean to, but he definitely meant to. And he elbows me directly in the door, and I'm so happy and smiley. And I just go, and my head slams right into it. And I don't, but dude, the best part is I don't miss a beat. Usually I would stop and fucking cry, but it was Christmas and all our fucking presents were there. So nothing was going to stop me.

Is this on video? That's on video. That is actually on video. We should get that and make chris see it do you think that bill has digitized like you know what i know he has in fact that's why i've seen that he digitized so much shit uh so deeper for chris but uh at his first marriage oh yeah there was like all this shit with the videos of them as kids and steeper uh so deeper even though he's not here um yeah so he did that and i now can tell the world that

he ruined my life that's how he ruined my life by doing that and i'll never forgive him and yeah hope you're doing well chris i'm sure everything's going great can't wait to see you again can't wait to meet the second born um let's just oh and also apologies for last week i wasn't here i had covid which was fucking cool dude how about when you know i this is my first time i had covid when you know who gave it to you you like want to fucking kill them dude even though that's not true of like the flu or a cold you don't that's never been a part of my life if i know who got me sick i'm never like furious with them but with now, there's been this like crazy three-year shaming of like if you spread it anywhere. And I picked up on that, dude.

And I spent the whole fucking time so furious at the guy who got me sick. Fucking Julian calling you out, dude. Did you know that? No. Yeah, dude. He fucked me. Julian, you fucked me, dude. And you're lucky I don't tell people your last

name because they'd be coming after you on my behalf what's up are you actually mad at julian like how do you know how do you know it was julian so the way it worked i because he i was in a room with him for two hours and then the next morning first thing he calls me and says i wasn't obviously positive but i woke up feeling bad and I have COVID. Then two days later, I have COVID. So that's how that worked. But the way it worked was while I had COVID, I wanted to fucking kill him. But then when I got better, that immediately went away.

I couldn't hang on at all anymore to the fact that I wanted to break his neck and bury him six feet deep somewhere where nobody could ever find him. But yeah, so I'm back and I'm stronger than ever. I think I still sound like a little nasally. Just a tiny bit. A little bit, right? Yeah. Well, what are you going to do? All right.

I survived COVID. Woo! Woo! Okay, let's do it videos sure oh hey guys sorry i am not there i can't be there uh because uh kristin and i are in the hospital and she's having our baby already ruined it so you guys uh i hope you're doing well yeah i hope i'm doing well honestly Yeah. I hope I'm doing well, honestly, at this point, because I'm doing the video here before that. And I just hope I'm doing well. I hope I'm doing well.

So when you watch this on the podcast, I hope I'm doing well. It's hard for men, honestly, the, the, the, the labor because men, I have to sleep in a lazy boy and, um, she gets like a really great bed and they cater to her every need. And I, I don't, you know,

I don't get that. I just get a lazy boy and they go, they go, excuse me, sir, when I'm in the way. So anyway, Matt,

I hope you're holding it down. Like I, I guess I know you are. Oh, I guess you'll be able to meet your so worried about me soon so uh yeah yeah i don't need advice thanks yeah you need to see you dude well well well there he was uh he's still doing well we've been in touch a bit. I don't want to blow anything up. I don't want to ruin any fucking surprises he might have, so I'm not going to say much of anything about it. But from what I've been hearing, so far, so good. How did he get a lazy boy in the house?

He doesn't have a fucking lazy boy, does he? I don't know. What is a lazy boy? An easy chair. It's a lazy guy, like a little boy that's just super super iconic job um wow damn that seems like primo shit to get a lazy boy usually just have like really uncomfortable furniture in hospitals oh oh yeah okay never mind yeah okay, okay. That makes sense. Yeah.

Cool. Like grandpa chairs. That's what they are. All right, now I know what a lazy boy is. All right, let's get into some real advices, though. Why don't we do it? Okay. Oh, wow.

Terrifying. So I have a quick question. I have a friend who is really funny and really awesome. love her so much but uh she hates my husband and my husband doesn't really like her either so every time like i call her and stuff she's like oh have you left him yet and i'm like wow okay i don't like that i don't like that. I don't like that. But, um, he doesn't like her either. You know, they just kind of hate each other. And I really love having this friend,

but also like, sometimes it feels like I have to choose between like her friendship and my spouse. And I don't like that. So I guess my question is like, do you remain friends with a person like that? Or do you just put your spouse first? Cause that's what you're

supposed to do um but i want her in my life okay that's all oh wow the dip out damn she did that good um well you're a lemon first of all i don't know if you're aware of that but you're a lemon and uh i think well first of all look if you were gonna choose between the two that's like that's not even a thing you're obviously going to choose your spouse and i'm assuming your friend knows that so unless there's some kind of ultimatum coming from one way or the other i don't think anybody needs to make any decision like it's a given you're going to go with your spouse that being said it's not that nothing should change because if your friend is doing that

every single time you talk to her, that is a shitty friend. Like, unless she's just joking and then she's just annoying and you can ask her to stop either way. That's my point. Ask her, just be like, hey, I don't know if you're kidding.

Even if you do know she's not kidding or if she's even if you know the answer you could start with like i don't know if you're kidding or if you're serious but i know you don't really like him that much but i'm also not ever gonna leave him because you don't like him so like maybe we can skip that part of the conversation every time we talk maybe you can not talk ever-loving shit about my fucking husband you know what i'm saying um but yeah that's like uh it's my i feel like if she does it that often, maybe something's up. Like she has like unexamined feelings about him that are more than just like, I don't like him. Because that's so, I'm trying to imagine, I'm trying to imagine like, say, if a guy friend of mine was married to a woman I really, really, really didn't like.

I mean, that actually, that's happened. It doesn't mean I'm going to say, hey, dude, every time I hang out with him, or even once probably, I wouldn't even do this. Hey, dude, your wife sucks. When are you going to leave her? Like, that is the rudest, even beyond it being rude, it just doesn't even, like hey dude your wife sucks when are you gonna leave her like that is the rudest even beyond it being rude it just doesn't even like it's not gonna it's not gonna work because the spouse is their most important person in their life so what your friend's doing is just through and through top to bottom turtles all the way down being a huge female dickhead i can't even imagine doing that i can't think of a scenario like unless he's like a crazy cheater or something and she's like you're better

off but that's not i don't that wasn't even remotely implied right so i don't think it's that but yeah dude just dude just tell your friend let your friend know that you obviously clock it every time she says it and that you think it's just weird. If you make her feel like you think it's weird, she's more likely to stop than if you make her think it hurts your feelings. For some reason, people don't stop doing things when even for their friends or family, when they're asked not to nicely because it hurts their feelings you're more likely to get her to stop by making her think you think what she's doing is

like fucking weird like and and and even like annoying but not like don't it sucks that she's like this because you'd rather just be straightforward and say hey stop but it seems like she might be the kind of person that needs a little extra push to shut the fuck up about that stuff dude they say you're not even supposed to do that to people you know when people break up yeah and then you you have this tendency while you're consoling them to say things like that person sucked totally yeah that doesn't help but well yeah you're not supposed to because what if they get back together and then and then you're like there's an then everything's fucked up yeah but also like it doesn't help the person

i understand that in that situation you're trying to be like oh it's positive still like that wasn't good for you but like at the same time that person spent ostensibly like years of their life with that person and then there's gonna be like what you just fucking didn't tell me this whole time there's just no there's no winning in that scenario so the friend should know this and the friend should stop asking for a number of reasons maybe that makes the friend a good person in that through that lens you know what i'm saying but not every time of course not one and done if you have to say something like if if it's dire and you really really need your friend to know that you think they should look at it split it and quit it is you should just say you should you should preface it like a long buildup and be like, look, I know this is not really da-da-da-da.

I don't want to blah-blah-blah. I'm never going to say it again. But I want you to know that because I love you and respect you so much, as much as it pains me to say, this is when I da-da-da-da think about your partner. That's not what this friend is doing at all. This friend, according to the Lemon woman,

every time they speak, imagine that. Dude, you can't be friends with that person. You can't be friends with that person. You're going to let them know and not out of some rule or respect for your husband, but because that person's being shitty as hell

and friends shouldn't be shitty as hell and that's just the bottom line of friendship if the friend is shitty as hell every time you talk to that friend they shouldn't be your friend and maybe kind of already are not your friend and that's my story i wonder why the husband doesn't like the friend yeah the husband must be in a situation if the husband knows that's my story. I wonder why the husband doesn't like the friend. Yeah, the husband must be in a situation. If the husband knows that's the case, which, well, now he does. I'm assuming he does know. That's fucking so awkward.

Also, like, help smooth over the thing. Don't, like, make it worse every time you bring it up. Like, that's your job as a friend to make your friend's life go a little easier a little smoother right fuck your friend all right next so happy so happy hey what the fuck what do you think about um for guys prostate orgasm? Wow, dude. That might be my favorite submission ever.

Wow. He was having a prostate orgasm when he did that. He's literally, I bet he's actually having a prostate orgasm. Let's watch it again. Just started. Just started. he's literally i bet he's actually having a prostate orgasm let's watch again just started just started what do you think about it's rising the intensity is rising prostate orgasm and he just came so hard right at the end there when he says uh what do i think what do you think about fur guys he says well I think

it's not a very expansive thought on the subject but from and I have to say this I have to preface it this way from what I understand they're like okay so Matt's never had yeah pop the top off the top of your skull and steam comes out because it feels so fucking good.

But I can't actually speak from experience. Butts, like, don't gross me out. But I'm good. Like, I'm good without butts. Butts in general you know those fucking there's so many guys that are like oh i can't wait to uh fuck her in her butt yeah you know i mean yeah and you're just like why that's not better it's not better first of all second of all it's not really what sex is do you know i mean you prefer the vagina yeah and i don't understand anybody who doesn't obviously two gay men these these people

don't have a choice but uh in male female relationships and i i guess i should say unless like the woman is really into that specifically i'm chances are i'm not gonna be mr butt guy and again nothing against butts i just i myself i'm not mr butt guy that being said if there's a way if you are mr butt guy and if there's a way for you to sort of capitalize on that or maximize your mr butt guy nature by having the prostate tiki wiki while you're going jizzy jizzy then definitely definitely do that or at least try it doesn't seem like an exact um an exact process though i feel like it's kind of like you got to have the right uh you got to have the touch you got to have the finesse to make that

go down right um but yeah i don't know and i've only i've only even seriously dated one woman who's like little miss butt stuff and i again wasn't put off by it but it it wasn't it didn't come natural to me at all are you he's talking about i'm expanding it to butt stuff okay okay i know what he's talking about but there's not much to say besides i feel great about him if you feel great about him you know i'm saying i just don't have any experience with them and from but whatever i've heard from my guy friends is that it's quite the jism experience you know it's like you see a movie in a regular theater and you see a movie in IMAX. You have the IMAX experience.

When you have an orgasm, it's like seeing a movie regular in the theater. But having a prostate orgasm is like having an IMAX jism. Right. So it's basically the IMAX of jisms. You should try it. I think if you're on the fence, you should try it. All right. If you have a partner who's like, is willing to take you there, you should try it i think if you're on the fence you should try it all right if you have a partner who's like was is willing to take you there you should try it that's what that's what

you should do anybody any takers i'm not saying he's not saying anthony have you that's a yes dude you haven't three three virgins right. Well, maybe not for long. If you're the person to access my prostate and give me an orgasm, let me know. You know how to reach me, I think. Actually, please don't do that. I'm not serious. But yeah, actually, the one just anecdotally, that one woman who I dated who was proper into butt situations. After we broke up, in my next relationship, my next serious relationship, my girlfriend at that time found all these fucking butt plugs around my place and every time i had to be like oh no no that's not mine and i in my going oh no no that's not mine i never felt more like a liar even though i wasn't being a liar do you know what i mean

so by like the third butt plug i was just like i don't know what liar. Do you know what I mean? So by like the third butt plug, I was just like, I don't know what to say anymore. You know? Also, why was that previous girlfriend hiding butt plugs all over my loft? Is the real question. They were nice though.

They were like bejeweled, you know? One was a purple crystal. Did any of them have like tails on them uh yeah actually one did dude the whole the butt plug thing is like a whole subculture dude butt plugs i don't really get it i don't know see but i don't know butt stuff i know butt plugs do something exciting as hell but i don't i'm i'm limited i'm a i'm a rookie i'm a limited i'm a limited butt guy and i'm okay with it i'm a limited butt guy and i'm okay with it and if you have a problem with it you can take a hike all right next first off thank you guys for your content we all love

what you're doing um i need moral guidance upon meeting a significant other's parents good thing chris is new um they're coming up this weekend to visit us at school or visit her but the thing is i know i'm not in love with this person i've been in love before and I know this is just, this is just not there. Am I an asshole for being willing to meet her parents knowing I'm not in love with this girl? I care about her and I like spending time with her and she's really cool, but I don't know.

Am I, am I a dick? No, I don't think you're a dick i mean you i let's see how to say this for no you're not being a dick but you could if it was distracting you like if you felt morally as you put it uh like it's a morally compromising thing to do maybe and i don't really recommend this but if you want to you can talk to the girl and say it could be a good opportunity for you to actually get your feelings clear across to her as like with the you know through the lens of under the auspice of like uh i'm should i really meet your parents how serious are we like it could be a good reason to have that conversation if you're looking to have it which i doubt you're looking forward to having

that conversation but like at a certain point if a relationship is far enough along and you sense that the person you're with likes you a lot more than you're into them it at a certain point is your responsibility to put that out somehow without being a total fucking shithead it's hard to do but it's it's definitely possible what you don't want to do is string someone along the entire time and then blindside them after you've wasted a lot of their time and your own time. Sorry, I still got some COVID coughs. But you're not a dick if you just are going to go hang out with a girl that you're kind of seeing in her parents. Like that's totally a normal thing to do it's not written in some manual that says you can only meet someone's parents if you're serious about them you know that's like 18th century chivalry nonsense that's

not that doesn't really seem like a thing in 2023. But if you're having doubts about it, then maybe she's implied that it means something really important to her. In which case, again, you should bring it up. And you shouldn't be a dick about it. You don't seem like a dick. But you want to lay it on easy and bring it up as like this sort of like practical thing you know you want to have it be as like height as low tension as possible um but yeah just actually i would casually bring it up with her dude if i was here's my thing though i can't date someone unless i know i could be with them

for the as long as the foreseeable future is accessible in my mind like i'm really not and never have been interested in like dating like dating isn't dating in a sense of like yeah i went a few dates with that person went a few dates with that person like that that is non-thing for me and always has been i end up in long relationships or i'm single that's there's never like dating play in the field shit like that that's confusing to me because why would you be in a relationship if it didn't have the potential to last ostensibly forever so it looked like this guy was at college though and that is the agreed upon time to fuck around in life uh he had like a frat flag behind his head uh so i'm a detective so it's all good so i'm a pi um but yeah no i uh if you're gonna why are you dating her if you're not that into her

like forget meeting her parents why are you dating her if everything's all good and you both agree that this is how much you're both invested in the relationship and you've communicated that then whatever but like if you're not into her and you think she likes you more than you like her and her parents like why are you even why are you even doing it at all you know uh is my question so maybe maybe you like her a little bit more than you realize and just don't want to. But now I'm psychoanalyzing a scarecrow because what the fuck do I know? I don't have enough information to make that claim. I'm just saying morally you are not in the wrong if you go meet her parents.

That being said, why would you want to meet her parents? And if you don't like her as much as she likes you that might be the a good time or a good reason to bring that up because that is a good thing to have out in the open so i just gave you really good advice here's the thing if you don't take it sometimes i don't think the advice i give is like amazing sometimes i think it's amazing the advice i just gave is amazing and if you don't take I'm going to hunt you down and it won't be, and it won't be, uh, it won't be pretty for you. Okay. That's my advice right there. Take it next. I am just seeking advice for being a 23 year old trying to figure out life. I just got accepted into a flight

attendant training program that I am going to go do, but I've kind of done a jumble of things ever since I've graduated college and I've had a hard time really finding what it is that I want to do. Like I've literally been a teacher, I've been a recruiter. I've been a bartender. Now I'm going to go be a flight attendant. So kind of the jack of all trades here, but I guess just what's your advice when you guys were in your twenties and how you kind of figured out life and anything would help. Thanks guys. Okay. This is good. I think it's an unhelpful myth basically that we should all find what we're passionate about and do that. Because that assumes everyone has a passion. But that is not fair or justified or that doesn't mirror reality at all.

How many people do we all know whose job is what their passion is in life? That's rare. It happens, but that's not common. So this idea that we're all supposed to find what we're passionate about in life and do that, yeah, if you're passionate about something, then try to do that. That makes sense. But if you're like this nice young woman and feeling this sort of like pressure from the outside in these external pressure to like find out what you're find what you're passionate about and do

that she's like desperately looking for the thing that she's passionate about and can't find it so she keeps trying this trying that trying that trying that that's fine i mean you're 23 you're young you do whatever you want for a long time now you've got many years to figure it out but don't feel so much pressure to find a thing that you're crazy passionate about settle and i don't mean settle in life like throwing the towel but settling for something that you're good at that provides you with the means to make a living, it will be rewarding. The rewards, let's say, are rewarding enough to make that a worthwhile thing to do in your life. Being a flight attendant, it might not be your passion, but if you can get a good position and you can make a ton of money, that is a viable career because then your success at it will lead to a kind of happiness.

And your passions, like they should be for everybody, for most people, your passions lie outside of what you do for a living. Like this is a misconception I think people have all across the fucking world the passion it look again if it ends up being that you can pursue your passion while making a living great but everybody feeling a pressure to find what they're passionate about before they settle into some career good fucking luck and i'm not being pessimistic i'm just saying this is the fucking way it is find something that you're good at that you can more than tolerate and that will also pay you and just do that and over time you will build satisfaction and be proud of yourself and you'll have money and thus time to do things that you're fucking passionate about

things that you're fucking passionate about occupational passion maybe one out of the 30 people i know or one out of every 30 people i know is passionate at at work like that's that's not even like a think about it dude think about all the people that you all know, everyone watching the show. How many of them are super passionate and fulfilled by their job? That's not something that we should be expecting in life. It's great if it comes along. You're lucky as fuck if you get to do it.

But that is not even a realistic goal for most people. So don't feel like you have to find something that you're passionate about don't be crushed by what the fucking bullshit uh cliche world is trying to force down your throat it's not realistic and you should certainly not feel bad about not finding your passion at least when it comes to the workplace um Also, just to come back to this real quick, you're 20, she said she was 23, right? 23 years old? I think so, yeah.

That's so young. And I'm not saying like, I used to hate it when I was that age and people would like tell me to slow down or whatever because it wasn't where I wanted to be in life, in my career, whatever. But the reason everyone used to say that to me is a good one because like you don't get those years back once you turn like in your mid-30s from that point on life is just like basically fucking same for everybody where you are now it's full of transition and mystery and potential and doubt

and excitement maybe passion but like that where you are now to like maybe till you're 30 that's like the meat of life just make sure you live it. Don't be too distracted by this like carrot that is constantly dangled in front of your face about finding your passion and making a living at it. It's just not, it's a fucking lie. Like a lot of other things we were told as kids, but that is a fucking harmful lie. Because there's a bunch of people out there thinking,

oh, I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate my job. I wish I had something I was passionate about. Because it's like so fucking thick, the ether. You're supposed to find your passion and make money at it. That's not a thing, really. So don't feel bad if that's not your thing. Vote for me.

That's my stump speech. Yeah. But 23, dude dude you're doing good all those things she listed that she's done in life that's already more than i've done in life and i'm fucking 15 years older than you so congrats on that point is go easy on yourself. Take it. Be easy to you. Be nice to you. Don't feel fucking like you're failing because you haven't found your way yet. You're 23. Oh, my God. Me at 23.

You're good. You're good. You're already thinking about all this shit. You're good. All right. Who we got? Matt. What's up?

Oh, wow. I need some advice for my brother because he's four years older than me. I'm 23. So it makes him about 27. Everybody's 23. He's been in college, was in a fraternity, and he always claims that he has never been hung over. I've been hung over plenty of times. That shit sucks.

Yeah. And it just pisses me off every time he says and brings up that he's never been hungover because I just straight up don't believe it. Yeah. So how do I call him out on his bullshit? Something funny to say. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Keep up what you're doing, guys. Thank you.

It's so weird if that actually made him mad that his brother says that. You're saying it's weird that he gets mad? He said it pisses me off that he says he's never been. You know what? I can relate to that, though, because he's been hung over you know right i mean it's possible that your brother is misunderstands what a hangover is like a hangover isn't just one thing like i've had all different kinds of hangovers. I've had splitting headaches. I've been just dragging my feet lethargic all day after drinking for a night prior. Like there's a, you get like sometimes get the shakes and shit, you know?

So I don't know if he's lying, but he's, he says 27. If he drinks ever, then he's been hung over. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. So I kind of get why it bothers him. But dude, what you should do, here's what you should do actually, because you're never going to get him to like admit it. Take him out one night, make up something to celebrate or maybe his birthday's coming up maybe something significant for him is coming up and be like dude i love you you're my

brother let's go out a night on the town just me and you and everything's on me i got it i want to celebrate our relationship we don't spend enough time together just us let's do it you go out and you fucking get him so wasted and you do the thing where it's like ah yeah oh my god oh my god look over there and you dump your drink out drink for drink you're matching him he doesn't know you've been dumping yours and then you seem like you're not drunk so he wants to keep up he's like but he's feeling super drunk and he's like well what why isn't he he's not drunk i must not be drunk because when we're drunk we don't obviously think very clearly then you you so you get him so drunk he's like throwing up and he's all over the place

you put him in bed then you sit by his bed in the morning and wait for him to wake up and the second he opens his eyes you get on his bed and stand over him and point in his face and yell i knew you got hung over you fuck you fuck i knew you got hung over see and then you're the winner you know i'm saying so manipulate him well here's the thing i i i totally sympathize with the guy this the guy whose video that was because it's so frustrating when you know someone has experienced something and they're insistent that it's not true and it's like it you don't know there's no way to know if they're lying or if they're like uh misunderstanding what a hangover like what the thing is you know what i mean and i get being really really really frustrated at that that's like a character flaw in me like i can relate to that it shouldn't upset me that kind of shit but it does because it's like dude you're you're you're preventing us

from bonding like you have had a hangover so now let's talk about it you know what i'm saying but this guy's like no i never had one so you can't even bond about it you know uh i remember when i was in eighth grade i was hanging out with two of my friends who who happened to go to catholic school they uh they went to it was john and john yeah and brian and they both went to the catholic school uh so. So they weren't like goody-goody kids, but like they were kind of more repressed than we were at the fucking public school. And I started talking about how I masturbate. This was in eighth grade, okay? And they both, at the very beginning, they were both like, you do what? And I was like, what do you mean i do

what like what what are you asking and they were like what are you saying you do and i was like what do you mean like i take out my dick and jerk it off and they were like what like you're weird dude like what are you talking about and i was like i was like in backwards land because i was like whoa it's not weird it's not gross it's the best feeling in the world and you guys have never done it you know i was like losing my shit kinda and then slowly but surely like fucking i was in like an interrogation room you know and i was the detective detective uh i got them both to admit that they do it too and they had crazy stories they were like yeah i do it in the shower like this and i used to do it my parents fucking when they weren't around

and i was just like yes dude right fucking them. Yes, we all jerk off. Woo! Were you just doing seven? Yeah, detective. Detective! I have a story. You have a story? Yeah.

Okay, let's do it. It has to do with masturbation, but not really. Do you ever have a, have you ever had like the meaning of a word like messed up for you for a while because of circumstance? I'll explain. Yeah, give me an example. I have a friend – when I was young, like eight or nine, standing around on the playground, some – one of my friends was telling a story about something that they saw on the news. friends was telling a story about uh something that they saw on the news uh like a bad something where uh some young woman was found uh unconscious somewhere she was alive or whatever and he was like yeah and guess what they found a pubic hair in her mouth um whoa and i was like whoa yeah and then he said yeah masturbation is what

he said who who's he my friend he said yeah masturbation like he he said he used the wrong word he told this story and then he said he he was saying yeah that's what masturbation is and so i was like whoa that's and so for i don't know how long i thought masturbation was this thing where you knock someone out and put a pube in their mouth that's the worst practice ever you know i just had this had this supremely negative connotation with masturbation i thought it had to do with uh you know assault or right right worse doing something to someone's mouth that they didn't want unwillingly and i was like damn masturbation is pretty bad that's upsetting that yeah that's fuck being a kid is so bad

it's so confusing dude it sucks man like especially if you're like an aware kid and you're like you know you know there's shit you don't know. Oh, I fucking hated that feeling so much. I just always wanted to know what was going on and being the youngest person in my house, being the youngest person in my grade every year. I was always like, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in that way. But yeah, just so you know, that's not what masturbation is though. Yeah. That's not what I was doing. Just so you know, that's not what masturbation is though.

Yeah. That's not what I was doing. And that's not what I got those kids in eighth grade to admit to. Knocking people out and putting pubic hair in their mouth. That wasn't our thing. No, but like that, just to get back to that, your brother does get hung over and you're right to be annoyed that he says he doesn't. And you can do the thing where you manipulate a hangover for him, which would be good.

But you can also, if you are as good as me with putting the pressure on someone in an interrogation-style setting, you can get him to admit it if you're as slippery slimy good as at that as i am uh but not everybody can be so yeah i recommend forcing the issue okay who's next what uh alternate universe me uh i have a question um for you guys do you like let's say you're walking down a sidewalk and then another dude is coming the opposite direction toward you do you guys ever find that kind of stressful because i feel like it's some it's sort of a thing where it's like you can't be a little bitch and, like, run off the sidewalk. These guys got problems. Or, like, you know, have someone encroach on your space, like, as a guy.

I just feel like with dudes, it's like this energy of, like, kind of get the fuck out of my way. Or, like, you kind of have to hold your own. It's like I'm not going to scoot over for your bitch ass do you guys ever feel that all right peace bro you sincerely need help like what the fuck dude like how in your own shit like what was this guy's childhood like you know what i mean just like the most bullied kid of all time no one's out there trying to fucking size you up no one's out there trying to gauge whether they can kick your ass or not i would even go so far to say is that no one's out there paying attention to your path on the sidewalk what you're doing

is paying way too much attention to this i don't know how you got into your head that it's some kind of like naturally occurring showdown when you're going one way and another man is coming at you and passing you by like that's just that's normal life on streets and sidewalks and other places i don't think you need to stress out i mean every once in a while there will be a guy who has that energy who is like you don't want to be in an alley with alone you know what i mean it's like that i get if you're sizing him up and like trying to make sure you're safe take the wide route when they act fucking crazy but like just like a guy walking by me i've that you gotta you gotta ease up dude you gotta go easy on yourself because no

one's thinking about fighting in that situation uh what i will add to that is that video is possibly the most deeper submission we've had because that sounds so stressful, dude. This guy's walking around thinking about everybody wants to kick his ass. He's got to be all puffed out and not be a pussy and go around. Like, dude, you're thinking about this too much. Everything's fine. That guy, whoever that guy is, is not thinking the same things you are. He doesn't want to fight you.

He doesn't want to fucking make you think he's stronger than you he doesn't care about you at all uh so yeah i think have i had versions of that experience yes but only when the guy is acting in a very obviously potentially violent or whatever kind of way. Like if I don't size people up as a threat, then I generally don't pay attention to them if they're strangers. But yeah, I think it's deeper. I think you need serious help. I think that just... Here's the real thing though. If you want to talk about switch,

that's what it is. That's like a really good version of it. You're so in your head about other guys and what they think about you in in like a physical threat sense like steeper switch and you did it it's hard to do both city brands a bitch but in one fell swoop this guy comes in and takes this to deeper so bitch title belt so that's impressive in a way uh but yeah dude relax no one cares about you in a good way no one's trying to do anything bad to you and you don't need to worry about guys walking past you uh you need to worry about other things that

are real and really affect your life um but not that, you know, we got one more. All right. Yeah, let's do it. My name's Eric. I'm from Salt Lake city. I was seeking advice on how to cope, reconcile,

or just handle a sibling. That's been addicted to a certain thing that's going through rehab and been doing better, but obviously relationships have been strained. And how to slowly step toward getting a better relationship with that sibling that you once loved. So, yeah. Hope you guys have some good words and talk to you soon. Wait, I actually was listening, but I'm a little... He's saying, how do you... Can you play it again, actually?

Sure. My name's Eric. I'm from Salt Lake City. I was seeking advice on how to cope, reconcile, or just handle a sibling that's been addicted to a certain thing. That's going through rehab and doing better, but obviously relationships have been strained and how to slowly step toward getting a better relationship um with that sibling uh that you once loved so just supporting hope you guys have words and addiction all right yeah i think that you want to make clear that you know i think it's good with with anything recovery whether it's addiction or just even something like major surgery any kind of thing like that where like

people take stock of their life and they look at it and they are in a particularly reflective place, which I think is what one is certainly a place that, you know, people that are recently sober find themselves in. I think it's good to talk to people like that while their mind is sort of receptive to it, to sort of be very open and honest about where you're at in terms of what you foresee as a potential relationship working between you and in your case, your sibling. I think that more or less, I would recommend, obviously in a different way, but to basically say what you're saying on that video that you submitted, which is like, obviously there's like some kind of contentiousness in our past, but you know, this seems like a great opportunity for like a new start. And I would love to

and I would love to reestablish our relationship in a way that is healthy for both of us. And I'm really proud of you for finding sobriety. I know that can't be easy. In fact, I know it's extremely hard. But I want you to know that I'm not only here for you if you need me, but like, you know, you're my whatever brother or sister. And as my brother or sister, whatever, you're extremely important to me. And I would love to be able to have a relationship with you that is not like it has been between us in the past. The past is past, water under the bridge in as much as it possibly can be. Now we start over and how can we have a positive relationship? You want to frame it as full of possibility too. You really want it to be forward-looking and not even so much an examination of where you guys are at now,

but certainly not where you were at before. Everything is forward-looking. And if you frame it that way, forward-looking and sort of hopeful about that future, I think that is the best way to start piecing a relationship back together again. Because that shit's hard, dude. Even if you forgive and forget, there's still that lingering emotional shit that is really, really hard to fully shed, especially with family. it's just those ties run so deep and it's really easy to develop some legit deeper shit with family uh if you're not careful too years go by and suddenly it's like oh do i even know that person? But yeah, that's tough.

But what I definitely also know is that your sibling will appreciate you doing this. Again, if they've just gotten sober and they got like, you know, they're coming out of it back into the world, like a reentry, so to speak i think they can use all the very like clearly supportive people in their life uh they could use being told that as much as you're willing to say it uh the the sibling that you're talking about the one who's newly sober probably feels a lot of things like shame and many negative things about him or herself and your job your job can be to help them not see things negatively moving forward you know uh i'm sure whoever you know typically when there's a fractured relationship and one of the people had an issue with either drugs or alcohol, it's probably going to be that person who was the source of the problems in the relationship. That's not to say you were perfect. I'm sure you were not because you're human. But what I'm saying is your sibling's probably dealing with more guilt and

shame and embarrassment, whatever, than you are. So be cognizant of that, but you don't need to like really have kid gloves, just be hopeful and forward-looking. Like that's a lot for someone who's down in the dumps and it can mean a lot, uh, to tell someone how much you mean to them, how much they mean to you when they're in such a raw, sensitive place. I mean, I don't know if – I'm sure many of you have. But to be around someone who is newly sober with anything, whether it's drugs, alcohol, personal shit, gambling. It's like the people are really really raw afterwards and i think they can use the most like direct honest care that you have to give um but yeah it's just tough man um

i wish you luck that shit's never easy but know that it's even harder for your sibling. So I think it would be wise to open that dialogue, to have you open that dialogue and take it from there. Yeah. When's this one coming out? This episode? April 16th. Hey, cool.

Happy April 16th, everybody. If you want those tickets to see my brother, he is still on tour now. Get tickets at chrisdalia.com. And if you have a question for next week, we'll both be here.

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And the new, new, new, new, new merch is in stock, and it is fucking pimping, pimping. You get it at lifelinemerch.com. Congratulations, Chris. You're not here, but congratulations anyway on your lovely and growing family.

Who knows? Maybe it's already one person bigger right now. Thank you to my loved ones, Chris and Anthony, for producing such a lovely show and making me look so beautiful every single week, even though that's mostly my work. And all right. That's all right that's it that's it i love you thank you bye