Lifeline - 56. Leave-Us & Butthead

Episode Date: May 7, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Dude, when you weren't here for the few times you weren't here, I missed having all those drinks on the table. Yeah? What did you do? You cried? Nope. Didn't even think about it. Oh, you just said missed.

I know. What is missed? You didn't? So you didn't? Let's talk about what missing something is or someone. Oh, I don't think we have to because everybody knows what it is automatically. I know, but what is it to you? Is it a feeling? Or is it a thought? What is it? Because I've is it to you is it a feeling or is it a thought what is it because i've often wondered it's a feeling yeah you miss someone you miss so company so you don't miss like or i guess you could say i miss like some restaurant that shuttered recently like yeah it's the food so it's a feeling yeah of nostalgia that you wish you had that again uh not necessarily nostalgia, but it could be for sure.

It could also just be like, you know, you're forlorn. You miss someone you love. It's not just you long for the past, but you want that person with you now. Yeah. Right. So you miss sometimes your loved ones. Do you miss friends? Do I miss friends?

No, I don't. There you go. You're a hard dude. I have always had a strange relationship not to my friends but to the idea of friends people seem to rely on friends more than i do that's true of you though too right uh that i don't rely on my friends yeah i don't mean like they're unreliable but you don't typically i don't know actually lean on your friends do you no i more now i think most people do it's probably a healthy thing it is a healthy thing yeah and i'm

unhealthy do you ever miss me uh yeah i guess so actually well be more convinced about it i miss my family sometimes yeah but that might just be nostalgia i probably don't need you well we also you do but also we we also see each other so much yeah how long would it take for you to miss me well now we see each other every single week basically no matter what because of this but how long would it take for you to miss me five or six years no like uh five or six weeks probably really like a whole over a month would be like damn i haven't seen you in forever yeah oh okay well do you only ask because you wanted to feel good when i have

friends that are like man i missed you man you believe them when they said that i believe them but i it always makes me feel like shit oh really because you go like i don't really miss you yeah i didn't miss you no there are some friends that i do miss like friends that have moved away that i'm like damn that guy was so fun to be around or whatever okay yeah i just like what is it the feeling sometimes sometimes i feel like a robot like dave miller yeah like when i saw him at uh yeah it was nice it was nice yeah yeah it was nice sometimes you don't really you don't exactly you miss someone until they you know you don't know what you got until it's gone right right well no that's not really what i wanted you don't know what you got until it's gone, right? Well, no, that's not really what I wanted to... You don't know what you got

until it's gone. Castrato. You know what a castrato is? The church in the choirs used to cut the nuts. I didn't say anything. Cut the nuts off of the sopranos to keep them with a high voice. And snip, snip,

so they could still sing with a high voice. Oh, I got a better idea. Get girls. I got a better idea get girls yeah i gotta get a better idea i got a better idea keep getting new ones keep getting new people yeah because people you don't even need to keep yeah they just keep coming at you you don't really did that huh yeah man your voice is so great dude can i uh snip your walnuts please yeah but honestly they don't need to do that because i'm 43 my walnuts descended and i can be so fucking strained no what happened was i said i just hate it what what what does that have to do

with it i just hate what does it have to but doesn't mean anything when you eat the mucus gets activated disgusting okay i didn't want you to say anything about mucus wow wow that was so bad did armies are gone and you don't know what you're going to until it's gone. Wow. Wow. That was so bad. Did it so quiet because you couldn't do it any louder because it hurts. No, that's not true.

I'm a castrati, but my walnuts have descended. Castrato, anyway. You said... No, it's castrati. No, it's not. That's Illuminati, dude. Oh, that's the meat that you put in the sandwiches. No.

Castrati is not something. Maybe it's castrati. No, it's not. That's Illuminati, dude. Oh, that's the meat that you put in the sandwiches. No, castrati is not something. Maybe it's like several... Yeah, a bunch of kids with no balls are castratis. No, it's not just kids with no balls. It's kids with no balls who sing for the church in their choir. Well, okay. Snip, snip. Here we go.

A castrato... Isn't that crazy that it really was a thing? A castrato is a type of classical male singing voice equivalent to the person of a soprano, mezzo-soprano, or contraito. The voice is produced by castration of the singer before people do it. Oh, great. Great. It also doesn't work, dude. Also, the first guy to try it.

Hey, what the? It didn't work. Yeah, seriously. What? Like a barbaric. Let me get my balls back. People were awful to each other. People like to say, oh my God, things are so bad now.

And they are. But think about what it was even just 100 years ago. Forget about this. This is like people were so terrible to each other. Just priests being like, let me cut off your balls. Oh other just priests being like let me cut off your balls just oh you're good let me cut off your balls people are always bad you know it's never yeah it's all relative for sure i'm just saying it's never gonna get better yeah of course not people love conflict and they love to make other people feel dominated by them it's a deeper no

i'm saying that's why things will never really actually change. Oh, it's deeper. No. Looked deep in my eyes when you said it. You know what I'm pissed about? What? 7-Eleven doesn't offer normal Coca-Cola anymore. It only offers these big giant teeth rotting Coca-Colas. Well.

And stomach lining rotting as well. Dude, that's disgusting, man. But how often do you drink Cokes? I honestly only like to drink them while I'm eating. I opened this while we were eating. Skirting the question. And now it's going to be like, well, no, it's part of my answer. I drink like half or less of a Coke almost every time I eat in the day, during the day.

So like one and a half Cokes a day? No, like during the day, then lunch. Okay. So like a Coke. So like a half a Coke a coke yeah we eat you have dinner and also lunch so but i don't usually drink coke at dinner anyway so not always then so not always then when you eat like you just said right i said only when i eat we are and you eat lunch and dinner but you don't do it at dinner right you said you do it at lunch so we're getting the nitty-gritty of it yeah i guess if there's something about this that is the nitty-gritty you could say this is it.

So what I'm saying is I am good at getting the nitty gritty stuff. Nitty Ken Griffey Jr. Yeah. Dude, if I'm going to go high like that, you don't go high like that. I didn't know you were going to go high like that. Well, I did it first. Okay, go. I will be at Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, places in Pennsylvania.

I will be in Ohio. I will be. Oh, Pennsylvania, places in Pennsylvania. I will be in Ohio. I will be – oh, wait, no. Ohio was this past weekend. So bad at this. So I will be in Boise, Salt Lake City, Caleb and Scrooge, Caleb and Scrooge, Tucson, Arizona, Pueblo, Colorado, Colorado Springs, Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Little Rock, Memphis, for some reason, Nashville, Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa, Montreal, Hamilton, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit.

Yay, all the different ones. Yay, dude. ChrisLeah.com. Go get it, dude. ChrisLeah.com. If you want one-on-one advice sessions with Matt, go to MattDeLeah.com. Yeah, obviously. And then you get the new merch.

You get that purple pimple pimple with the hoodie or the lifeline. Actually, the merch or the lifeline is very, very cool. WatchLifeLine.comcom leave us a message the hotline [phone] and that's what's up whenever you say leave us do you think beavis and then think about beavis and butthead of course not of course not that's something that i would never think of i do dude beavis and butthead is the funniest i think it's the funniest show of all time i think beavis is the funniest show of all time it's definitely up there for sure it's just too simple and silly for me to just look past it yeah yeah i mean when you just funniest full stop just show ever yeah i think so damn i mean i have to think about well i think so rickie

gervais's office maybe more but but that's also good though it's not just funny it's so funny but beavis and butthead is every single moment is funny yeah even them walking yeah you know yeah anyway okay well hopefully mike judge is listening to this uh you know what and he'll feel very flattered hopefully beavis or butthead is listening to this but i will say this i will say this um last episode of uh lifeline i think the reunion was the best episode of lifeline um high bar for this episode much okay no no no no i used to say uh high bar for this episode much that's the most insecure thing you can possibly do okay well we'll see who's secure by the end of this episode uh yeah i guess so uh uh sibling rivalry much no that makes me cringe

even though you're not why do you get even when somebody you know when people do cringe stuff yeah like i was watching this show um shoot i don't know what it is shoot so taxing and so clean okay because we're still early on i don't want to wow made up a reason for it after the fact that's not true great stop doing the thing that you're doing in your mouth i have a hangnail that's why okay well stop leave it i can't leave it i i can't put your fingers in your mouth on the show leave us a butthead and um leave us in butthead dude it's the best podcast of all time

hell yeah dude look at that put your shirt back on right just look how great it is we connected it this is but we connected it

the bane of my existence I know but we connected it are your feelings about your own tattoos okay but we connected it though and that and that deserves a round of applause

oh wait dude you mean like every tattoo ever that's not true you completed the tattoo that's not true there's piecemeal tattoos there's piecemeal tattoos that end up getting finished no not always dude sometimes people just do patchwork you're saying that there are people who like

that said in three appointments for their tattoo they only get two and then like they forget and never get it again i'm saying i get this one this one this one this one i didn't necessarily mean want to connect it maybe i will maybe't. Oh, which ones did you connect? This one and that one. Why? Because I wanted to connect it. Guess what's connecting this time? Connecting, connecting, connecting. Bing, bing, bing.

That one's doing that. There's nothing there, though. But there's going to be one. Okay, well, what's it going to be? I don't know. Maybe a picture of you. Oh, my. Like this.

God, dude. Well, that would be Gamerville, dude. I don't ever want to do portrait tattoos. I don't like portrait tattoos. No shit. Really? You know? Why? Because photorealistic anything sucks. gamerville dude i don't ever want to do uh portrait i don't like portrait no shit really you know why because photorealistic anything sucks no yeah dude you don't want like an actual depiction of a person on your body why because you're already a whole person because you are a person you don't need another additional person on you think about what i always think about with

this stuff is like think about a person with that having sex yeah i know like you don't want want to look at Steve Jobs while you're having sex with the guy you're having sex with. I don't have sex with guys. Yeah, you're gay. I had sex with a woman once and she had her grandfather tattooed on her hip. And it was naked. It was naked. I had to look at her grandfather in the eye too. He was looking at me.

Also, dude, that Steve Jobs iconic thing where he's like this. Do you know the secret? That's not his hand. That's also the most Gamerville. Dude, he appropriated the Gamerville thing, I think, from a different culture. All right. Well, I have a biggest hangnail of all time. Okay.

Well, shut up about it. I have a conspiracy theory. Why is Bill Steve Jobs always touching his face? He really wanted COVID. The hand on the face. He really wanted COVID. The fingers on the chin. really want to go the fingers on the chin wow wow he did it twice i don't know that's that's that's a mock-up on okay look at

his face oh evil genius all right so um all right so wow so let's get into it you know it's lifeline and let's get into some videos i have a hangnail and it's fine i'm gonna be in nashville coming up here so chrisley.com so here we go absolutely Nashville coming up here. So chrislead.com. So here we go. Absolutely no through line. Hey Matt. Hey Chris. So I thought I would just give you a little update. I actually took the advice

that you gave to a guy that came on the pod a while ago. His name was River and you told him that when somebody gets your name wrong on purpose,

write all of them down on a note card and then give it to them when they say it so they're immediately called out. Yep. I have the same problem. My name is daily and people call me monthly, yearly, the whole thing.

So a guy did it. I, he called me like yearly, I think. And I shuffled through my wallet and I found the note card that said yearly and gave it to him. And he got so upset. He ripped up the note card, tossed it at me. And he sat there and cussed me out for like a minute and he was like do you have anything to say and i was like i win you lose and it's your fault you lost oh the weirdest interaction of all time the hardest drubbing

literally ever dude say say say hey yearly because Yearly, because this is what happened. Say, hey, Yearly. Hey, Yearly. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. And then I took it and cried for a minute and then ripped it up and threw it back in your face. Do you have anything to say? Do you have anything to say? I win.

The weirdest interaction of all time. I win, you lose. No, first of all all let's get this out of the way that was great i'm so glad she took our advices yeah me too but but here's just real quick before we get into anything else about it okay her name is daily obviously the best thing to call her is tim daily after the great actor tim daily i don't know if that's the that's obviously the number one best thing to do because tim daily is a great actor i don't know if there's a number one best thing to do in that and then it wouldn a great actor. I don't know if there's a number one best thing to do in that situation.

And then it wouldn't offend her either, though. Because she'd be like, oh, everybody likes Tim Daly. No, she might not even know. I guarantee she'd never know who Tim Daly is. Tim Daly is a little-known secret. He's the best actor of all time. Well, that's a very little-known secret. Watch.

Watch what? Watch. Wings? Yeah, dude. Or The Sopranos. He's amazing in The Sopranos. Is he? I didn't even know he was in it.

Dude, wait. Have you seen the Sopranos? Is he playing the main guy? No. Yeah, he's Tony Soprano. No, dude. He's the guy who's in Chris's AA group that ends up being his sponsor. Okay. It's so good. Maybe I didn't get to that.

Okay. Well, you're an idiot then. He's the best. Okay. Let's give it up for Tim Daly. That's awesome. She took our advices from another guy. See, that's the thing about this podcast is our advices work for different people. That's why this podcast is so good. That's why it's so wide reaching. Oh, wait.

Dude, you're saying the most obvious thing in the world? Why? Oh, dude. Okay, we did it. We found the single most obvious thing in the world to say about the show. That's what the show is. Literally, people watch it and hear advice for one person

and think, oh, that could work for me. Yeah, dude, but that's why it's good. I didn't know that. Well, then you're dumb. We've been doing this over a year and that's what the show is. We're starting a Patreon soon. We got to figure out what the Patreon is.

Well, now that you know what the show is, maybe we can figure that out. Yeah, see, that was the problem, right? Look at that nice purple shirt. Okay, selling at QVC. Maybe we can figure that out. See, that was the problem, right? Look at that nice purple shirt. Okay, selling at QVC.

Look at this. We got one left. We have a beautiful purple. Look at that. Look at it. Look at it, too. Look at it. It actually is really great.

Look at it. And it's made out of nice material, too. It's going to keep you warm. It's made in tunisia look at that how many do we it's french how many do we have left do we have just because i wear this one all the time dry clean only you know i can get away with not doing it um it is so here we go it is 69 wool and it does have wool so loud but um it doesn't itch you like usual wool 26 polyamide now that's what i like is they really tell you the exact amount five percent altris fibers hurry fucking hurry dude dry clean only

you can get away with not i've worn this six times already you don't even have drop on it and i spill getting lost in it you know just did it did a whole acting performance you get this absolute beauty it's purple it's violet it's you know it's in the it's in that family of color right now seven payments six dollars so that's you do that's 30 some yeah and you know most people will spend that on on a sandwich or two depending on where you live right oh wow relating to us yeah see that's i would be really good at qbc dude if i was listening to this podcast and that happened i would be so mad why that it took a detour just basically just sounded like an actual qbc like imagine somebody listened to that in the car yeah

it just like sounded like a qbc show yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's good, though. So that's bad, and people turn it off. No, it's not, dude. We've got... Oh, no! You can do it with anything. There are two... Okay, so look.

All right, here's what we're going to do. So we have a Perrier. Don't mix them up, dude. Which ones did the switcheroo on you, didn't I? That's mine. That's yours. So I have the... You gave me the...

And this is just... This is Perrier at its finest. Now, it's got the yellow label one right here. It's carbonated mineral water. This is captured as a source in France. So you know France when they come to water, especially if it's got bubbles in it, right? One of these would sell at your average.

What would it sell for? What? $3? We are going to have two. Right now, $1.50. So you are getting. Bro. Stop.

You know what I mean? You are getting two for the price of not one, less than one. And you know what we're going to do? We're going to throw in a cup. Always throwing in a nearby thing, you know? You know what we're going to throw in? We have napkins. Fuck, now I forget which one's mine.

You fuck. You said the yellow one was mine, right? Okay, yeah. There we go. Taste that. Doesn't that taste beautiful? All right. So anyway, next one, I guess. How many You said the yellow one was mine, right? Okay, yeah. There we go. Taste that. Doesn't that taste beautiful? All right. So anyway, next one, I guess.

How many times have you done that alone, you know? Oh, so many times. Yeah, it's upsetting. Hey, Chris and Matt. You guys rock. I love your show. You guys are hilarious. So I work at a dealership,

and the other day I was putting an inquiry on Kelly Blue Book for one of my customers to get a value on their vehicle. And you have to put your information in. I didn't want people contacting me, so I input a fake name. Mike Hunt, if you say it a certain way, you know what that sounds like. But I put in my work email and my phone number. And it went out to a bunch of dealers. I didn't know at the time, but when you put that information in, it goes out to a bunch of dealerships.

And this one guy at another dealership, he calls uh at at 7 p.m on a sunday all dealership closed on sunday so this guy literally has no life um and he's i'm having dinner with my wife and he's like yelling at me cussing me out like think that's funny you think that's really funny and like cursing me out but um whatever i just kind of blew him off like I was like, this guy's crazy. But apparently he knows the owner of my dealership, so my boss. And the next day my boss has a talk with me, kind of chews me out a little bit. But I didn't think I was in the wrong because this guy's a psychopath, obviously. But I don't know. She said it was really unprofessional. I don't know. I felt kind of bad, but I don't know. Do you think I'm in the wrong here?

Or is this guy just crazy like I think he is? don't know let me know what you think i appreciate the help uh you guys are hilarious keep doing what you're doing awesome thank you bro who fucking cares toyota i mean i get that why though they don't want fucking it's mike hunt he wrote mike hunt there's no bad words on it it's only for internal people's eyes like who cares okay so it didn't say c-u-n-t okay yeah no it's mike hunt that's the joke it's like seymour butts it's just more it's a more uh heavily evolved bleep it jesus christ it's more adult version of seymour butts well did you bleep that one too uh i mean look obviously if someone catches it they're

gonna be like dude don't do that yeah like for the guy to it's not funny enough to be outraged it's just not funny enough to do i agree with that but but but that's not what he asked at all so it's it's was he out of line didn't want to use his name right answers no he's not out of line yeah i guess and for that guy to fly off the handle and then get him in trouble with his boss it's like egregious dude that's out no tattletale shit you know what that is that is nutrageous narc he's a narc he's not ready he's not ready it is a nutrageous it is a nut rage okay that he did that okay he's a narc dude that's bullshit yeah i don't like narcs man i don't like narcs, man. I don't like narcs, and this is a nut rage.

This is a nut rage! Yeah. Yeah, I mean, dude. So here's the answer. Obviously, it was stupid to do that. Yeah. Because you should have known, like, maybe somebody would be like, man, don't do that. Yeah.

But the fact that they did that is extreme and idiotic. And it puts any of them out that you were in the wrong. Like they just basically put you in the right by being even worse than you. Yeah. Okay. That's true, dude. Yeah. But every action has a reaction.

And I live by that. Oops. The most empty things, you know, that you say. I just think that life is a highway. We've got smiley face doilies. Wow, go to the next one before he gets into it. We are selling a neon yellow smiley face doily. The craft work that goes into this is absolutely top tier craft work. You have a, this is, and I would say four inches across,

both every way because it's a circle. So the diameter is four inches. Talking about a dick. What do you call it what's the what's the other one circumference is i would say 12 inches you get this right here 12 dollars uh we will be throwing in orange we will be throwing in orange. We will be throwing in turquoise. We will be throwing in some Ray-Bans. All right, next.

Wow. I got lost in that one. Hey, what's up, man? Chris, it's your boy, Andrew from Portland, Oregon. Wow. I know what you did last summer. I know what you did last summer. Had a mini stroke.

The hat. Dude, go start it over. Had a mini stroke. The hat. Dude, go start it over. Had a mini stroke. Go ahead. Hey, what's up, Matt and Chris? It's your boy, Andrew from Portland, Oregon. And just want to congratulate you all for doing such an amazing job with Lifeline. Three point crushing it.

Oh, oh, oh. Chris, saw you at the Arlene Schn schnitzel hall boy that was amazing thank you bro um matt still sexy my question today is we just got back from a wedding shower uh mine and my fiance's wedding shower about a week ago we're giving this gift yeah boy what is it um i don't know if you're familiar with that dude that's a volcano hybrid and that's the creme de la creme smoking devices not me um probably like a six seven hundred dollar machine whoa which is the root of our question sell it what do we do with it um it made me my fiance very uncomfortable because of the price point um we could use that money for wedding moon.

Wedding moon. Honeymoon. It's okay. Wedding. Honeymoon. Literally anything else. I has no idea. This guy's great.

I know that. What do we do? Send it back. Ask for a receipt. I'm using it. Probably going to continue to use it. I don't know. You can't sell it.

It's crazy world we live in. Love you. Oh, what a great guest. Dude, how much is that guy the best kisser, honestly? Honestly, no. He's the best, best, best break dancer. No, but that's obvious. And he does it with the hat.

But I'm saying the Dark Horse thing is he's such a good kisser, he just relaxes into it. You know what I mean? You think so? He doesn't go, he relaxes into it. No one does that. No one does that. Okay.

I mean, he relaxes into it. He just, he like melts into it. No one does that. No one does that. Okay. I mean, he relaxes into it. He just, he like melts into the lady and just, and she's like, oh my God. Is that good? Yeah, it is. It's just. It is actually. And just falls all of his weight on her? It looks silly with no one else, like with no one else.

And I'm just, but if I have another person there, like my wife goes crazy when I do that. Okay. My wife is, she just goes crazy when i do that okay my wife is she just goes crazy okay that's cool anyway uh sell it sell it yeah because what already used it though you know so but then it's still worth three four hundred dollars you know it's like sell it you didn't buy it get the amount no the hat i know what you did last summer of his vibe that is from the i know what you did last summer collection Is part of his vibe. That is from the I know what you did last summer collection. Here's the thing.

You judge people based on your standard of what you think of what they're presenting. The real way to judge them is by the standard of the vibe that they either realize or do not realize that they are putting out there. That guy's vibe is absolutely correct with the hat. Okay? Consider. All I'm asking you to do is consider the vibe okay he had the columbia fleece on it was a zip up it looked good he had the glasses like the wire rim glasses yeah john you know so he had that skin color that's like really really good yeah it's good it's like

the premier skin color this is like a fucking awesome he's like don't he's like a mix of everything you know what i mean it's like the perfect specimen color. Kiss is like a fucking awesome. He's like a mix of everything. You know what I mean? He's like the perfect specimen. And just the hat for a little flavor at the end. It's good, dude. He did have a lot of flavor. He did.

He was doing all the moves. I think you should sell it. Yeah, we think you should sell it because that's not a thing that a true adult who's about to get married should need or even want. The person who got it for you was an interesting person to say the very least but yeah but um they shouldn't it's not an appropriate wedding shower gift just who gets you a vape station when you're fucking getting married $700 vape station yeah nuts dude it

looked like a fucking sibby it's not for an adult it's just frankly it's just not for an adult you know yeah i know yeah honestly sell it and buy a sib sibian for your wife you think that like he it's not for an adult it's not for it's not for kids not for i mean like it's not for marriage yeah like a serious yeah a serious adult endeavor i would not send someone off with that yeah he's like i don't know what to do and then while it gets in a video his wife's like yeah dude like i have no idea. It seems like the weirdest gift. That being said, if you and your wife love to smoke weed, and obviously it's not out of hand, and you're not having kids and being baked all the time, then great.

Then it's probably going to save you money to some degree in the future. But assuming not that, because that's more likely. Yeah. God, how much does that guy get married at a young age that's all that i mean that is that is true yeah how about uh do you know what a sibian is i do know what it's hold on i just want you to know what i said when i said that is true what i meant was i don't know if you knew this by the way i said it but i was trying to convey this that is the only true thing you said so like now that is true about how the rest

of the stuff you said is not true no i say a lot of true stuff you do but in this case i was saying now that and not everything else you said is true would you ever order a sibian online what not for your butt i don't have a vagina i know for guests well no because nobody wants to use the same sibian you know uh well that was a great meal um so i don't know what everyone's doing i know some of you have to leave but uh i have a sibian if you guys want to take turns i actually have two so it's all just guys they're just like i don't know no dude chicks and they come with penises on them yeah man dude i thought they were just like big vibrators that, you know, rub the clit. Bro, what?

You just get. I thought the whole thing was like. No, they have dildos and stuff on them. You can get attachments. I honestly didn't know that. They just sit on them. Okay. I've never used one, but I bet.

Oh, there's so many. Oh, my mind is blown right now. No, there's so many. Come on, bro. My mind is blown. There's obviously different colors. Different colors? Okay, but this is.

Oh, man. They're $1,300. This is like when you were renting a camera to make a movie. It's like all the different packages on offer. That's what this is. So a Sibian is... Look at the attachment. Look at the G-Egg, dude.

Whoa, the G-Egg, dude. That makes me feel like you're going to fucking shit yourself. That's like a doorknob inside you. So a Sibian, for those of you that don't know, you fucking square losers, That's like a doorknob inside you. So a Sibian, for those of you that don't know, you fucking square losers, is just basically something you sit on and you can insert it inside you. They're all such tiny dicks. Those ones? Yeah.

Mine are. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Those are all so tiny. No, no, no. They have bigger ones. No, no, no. But even those are tiny to me.

Oh, wow. That's the finger. That was the last one on their list like should we make it or not and somebody was like just do it we're making so much money off the joke we're making all these other ones you know but they made so much money oh the two hand the two what oh for see you know our our mom and dad watches podcast every episode did you know that of course and they say we talk about our penis too much really that's what they said to me no they didn't come to you together and say look no but they did they said you talk. No, they didn't come to you together and say, look, Chris. No, but they did.

They said, you talk about your penis too much on the podcast. And my mom was like, yeah, you do. Your dad said it? Dad said it first? Dad said it first, yeah. Wow, what a traitor. I know, dude. So anyway, sorry, but we're not. We're talking about a Sibian.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't talking at all about my penis. I know neither was I, but those are small, and I can tell. You did talk about your penis a little bit. Today? The arrow. those are small and i can tell you did talk about your penis a little bit today the arrow like we know it goes on most we know ever okay oh it's only six inches oh that's that's that's that's hilarious it's only six inches the most we know imaginable you gotta put it up the website

that is a serious bellend. Bellend. Yeah. All right. Cool. So, all right. Let's go to the next one. Next one. Trade it for a Sibian. Wow.

Who's buying one? Who's buying a couple? Hold on. Okay. Empty card. Empty card. Hold on one second. Let me save it.

All right. So, okay. No, no. Check out later. All right. Cool. So, anyway. What's up, Matt and Chris? chris you guys literally keep me going

anyway here's the thing okay my mom has been dating her boyfriend for like seven or eight years whoa literally awesome guy okay gets along with everyone in our family love him spent holidays birthdays with him etc i have three brothers too so and we all live within like 20 minutes of each other so we see each other a lot hung out with him a lot my mom breaks up with him recently just no hard feelings wasn't working for her anymore he's taking it really hard oh no i feel sad as shit for him yeah my mom texts me and is like, hey, do you feel the want or the need to say goodbye to this person? And I'm like, don't phrase it like a funeral. Also, I don't know what I would say.

Do you do that in person? Do you text or is that supremely douchey? do that in person do you text her is that supremely douchey do you just kind of like let it go its separate ways and that's kind of unfortunately do you what do you want to hear from this person's family help me just text him in caps lol that's tough it is tough but it's her and i don't i guess i don't know your relationship you guys just said you had such a good you know good she said that was really good uh i think that you should oh god yeah i don't know i mean i i i don't think you want to make a whole production out of saying goodbye because you're right it's not a funeral it's also like i mean if the here's my my normal thought if someone was like my parent my

mom has been with with this guy who i love for the last seven eight years but the no hard feelings they're breaking up yeah i wouldn't assume that the person talking to me is gonna not is gonna cut off all communication with that guy like they're close now that's true she's an adult this guy's an adult too like i wouldn't assume there's no goodbyes at all yeah the mom's being a little bit weird about if it's all if everybody if it's no hard feelings all around and obviously the guy's but her but like that doesn't mean you cut off communication with all parties it's like that's eight years of your life that you bonded with more than just one person the person like your mom doesn't get to say you can't

talk to that person anymore like this is two other adults now with their own feelings about one another i agree yeah so first of all the premise that your mom is putting it to you is just it's false it's like a false premise yeah yeah be like mama what are you talking about if he texts me then that's i'm gonna write back if he doesn't yeah i won't like what the fuck you know or maybe i'll text him if something funny happens like whatever everybody for eight years yeah yeah so i think turn the tables on your mom first of all for making you feel like you have to do this thing that you obviously are awkward to do at the very least don't do it don't do it and don't presume that that's how adults should act anyway like if you like this guy keep him in your life don't or at least don't do it and don't presume that that's how adults should act anyway like if you like this

guy keep him in your life don't or at least don't cut him out of your life ask him out on a date no just don't cut him out of your life for no reason that's all i'm saying i'm not saying like keep him involved go get ice cream with him yeah but like you don't have to excise him and let him know that it's just like that's yeah i agree weird that's a weird request. 100% I agree. That being said, if you're going to do it, I don't even know. If you're bent on doing it, I don't even know what to say. What should she say? LOL?

Just LOL? Don't. That's so fucking horrible to just be like, yo, it was nice to know you. I agree, dude. That's not weird. It makes things weird. It's going to make him reach back out to her. you know yeah it's gonna make everything worse for everybody actually let me just send him a sibian and call him a day call it a day yeah send him the sibian you send everybody in your life the one with the finger yeah the one with the band uh all right and then

the attachment dude that sucks for that last guest though i feel bad yeah yeah it's a terrible situation yeah okay well hey chris hi matt massive fan of the show massive fan and congratulations i've been listening for years now uh my question is about flying okay that guy is my favorite person in the history of humanity. Why? Okay. He's definitely somebody that's going to- Hey, man. What's up? What's going on with my brother?

He's got the gauges. Yeah. He's definitely going to tattoo his eyeballs one day. Get this though. He's in a car in the mountains somewhere. Pulled over on the side of the road. He's moving. He's in the mountains right now.

All right. Going up. I'm 30 years old. Yeah, you are. Even though I look about 14 and I'm mad at my mum for taking away my Xbox console. And I've got a huge, huge fear of flying. I've just been to Italy for a week with my partner. Bragging.

And on both flights there, I've been constantly stressing out. Everything is so unnatural to me. All the different bumps and movements and and sounds i'm just it's like i'm trying to get out of my skin almost i'm grabbing onto her for dear life i'm grabbing onto like the the net in front of me on the seat in front of me as if that's going to do something um and you know everyone around me so chill and I'm just sort of almost like my brain's trying to convince me something bad's going to happen. The, the days leading up to flying, I'm, I'm a different person.

I'm super duper stressed. Um, and yeah, just need some advice on how to deal with it. Do I just need to do it more? Uh, were you? Were you stressed? Yeah. And nervous before flying when you were younger? Or do you still get anxious now? I do need to stress, though, how unbearable it is at times.

Because, I mean, even on the plane home, we were coming in to land. And I think there was another plane on the runway. And we got almost to the ground. and the pilot just took off again. Right, well, that's kind of scary. And everyone around me is super chill. They're reading the paper. They're just talking, and I'm just clinging on to her for dear life, going, okay, well, I'll give half my savings to my mom,

half my savings to my sister, and I'm just going to die now. Okay, bye. Right. Yeah, so any help would be appreciated. um yeah so any any help would be appreciated so yeah any any help making it longer just wants it to be as long as possible back 10 back 10 back i mean dude it's yeah i used to be really scared of flying i wouldn't go places and then i started over i started regretting it but i just think that exposure therapy is good also dude just taken out of it or do you have something against like, you know, I mean, that kind of anxiety isn't something you're supposed to feel.

Yes, correct. So take an Ativan in those moments. I don't suggest, you know, relying on drugs. But I think that, you know, unless you've got a weird aversion towards. We all know my story. So drugs are good. You only take one. Don't take somebody's secret drug in

front of you don't take the whole bottle yeah yeah and definitely don't accept drugs from the person in front of you even no matter how nice they are especially if you've already taken a certain drug and no matter how well they mean yeah it doesn't really you wake up you wake up touching someone um you wake up at a 7-eleven in los ang Angeles and don't know how you got there. You did that? Basically. No, I knew I got there. Oh, God. I was like, who took me here? Who's outside with me? Oh, my.

Who? Oh, my. Oh, my. Okay. Well, so, yeah, it sucks. But, you know, props to you for doing it. But I understand, dude. Flying is unnatural.

It's like you shouldn't be that high in the air. We're humans, not birds. But, yeah, I would just say get a prescription man it really helps but if you want a non i fully agree yeah medication is always the number one yeah uh i got another thing to say but uh what i when i used to i used to freak out a whole lot more about just not as bad as him because you were like crazy, super scared, like a big baby and stuff. And it changed, but yeah. But I also didn't like it.

Like I would get uncomfortable during takeoff and landing. The thing that would actually calm me down the most was something you said. Me? No. I've said a lot. My favorite guy in the history of humanity. Oh, him. Yeah.

Oh. You look at the other people and it's clear by the the behavior of all of them yeah that this is normal yeah if you look around and everyone as he says is just reading the paper chatting it up thinking about you know sleeping you're not in trouble except for the fact that when it is when people are like what the fuck then you are going to start feeling weird here's what i think that's never happened well sometimes oh okay i've never been on is, when people are like, what the fuck, then you are going to start feeling weird. Here's what I think you should do. But that's never happened to me. Well, sometimes. Oh, okay.

I've never been on a plane where people are actually scared except me. And then I look around and I'm like, oh, nobody else is scared? Huh. I guess I don't have to be scared. They obviously know something about I don't know. I have something great to do. What? I have something great to do.

Great? I think you should. This is the best thing that has helped me it's so egotistical to think that your flight is going to go down because you're on it there's so many other people on there you don't think that about their flight you think that about your flight even though they're on it too it's egotistical you don't matter that much so quit it wow i mean that i actually robbins i actually think that applies in a lot of instances but not this one but i get what you're saying you can take the dollies you can put them both

you can match them look at that oh dude green and turquoise let me see look at that look at that it's very cool right okay two two different ones it's not a feature though you know you just figured that out look what else you can do with these. Look, you can put them in your pockets. Okay. Alright, cool. More, more, more. Having sex. Lifeline crew, this is Eric from Salt Lake City again.

I'll be there. I just wanted to thank Matt, first of all, for his response to my previous submission. And then congratulations to Chris on his boy, his baby boy. Thanks, dude. I just wanted to get their advice on so many likes how would you wrangle and tangle somebody into watching a horror film or a horror show um because so many people nowadays like to watch drama or reality fucking bullshit and just kind of skip over you know movies like skimmer ink what would you introduce a person to first to get them into that kind of

horror film or show like what what horror film or show would you introduce a person to so well first first that's an interesting it is a good question but first of all you sit them down look them straight in the eye and say, you are wasting your life. Oh. You are wasting your life on stupid ass, stupid shit reality TV. Now, here's screen sticks. And it's time to open your mind. Yep. Now, here's fucking another bad one.

Can't think of it. The Terrorizer. What's it called, Anthony? Terrifier. Terrifier. Yeah. Anthony, who works on the show here, he loves the Terrifier movie series. think of it uh uh the terrorizer what's it called anthony uh terrifier terrifier yeah anthony who works on the show here he loves the terrifier movie series the sequel terrifier 2 just recently

came out and the interesting thing about that is it's horrible it's absolutely 100 terrible yeah the guy's just like this i mean that would be good if that was the guy like that if you were oh if it was no makeup yeah and it was just me doing that yeah it would be amazing holy shit bro it'd be so scary we gotta make that movie man okay so what i said yeah okay okay okay i just want you to agree with that man um i could if i wanted to okay fine um so wait what uh this is what is this a what is the thing you get how do you get them to do it okay and what is the thing you show them if they agree to do well this is timely for me okay because last night oh wow geez yeah i watched i like i like thrillers i like horrors i like you know yes you

right yeah and i know you know this movie and i know i think you like this movie the i watched the i watched audition i love audition okay yeah so that movie is extremely boring right i mean i don't think so no i like it but it's boring well what do you mean i really argue it's not boring but then what do you mean by very slow it's very it's slow to reveal what it's really about you can watch it for an hour and not know it's a horror movie you can think yeah i don't know about yes you can you can for a full hour you can watch it and it's a romantic movie oh i know okay okay um okay yeah but but i watched it and i i i i couldn't stay awake but i movie. But man, the two people I was with were like, this is fucking, come on. Really?

Yeah. It's a classic. It's like top 10, what do you call it? Horror movies, especially in Japan. Oh, yeah. It was a huge hit in Japan, yeah. Takashi Miike or whatever the fuck the guy is, right?

The director. I think it's his best movie. You do? I think it's his best movie. You've seen them all, Takashi Miike or whatever the fuck the guy is right the director and he I think it's his best movie you do? I think it's his best movie you seen them all like Ichi the Killer and all that

I mean he makes like three movies a year sometimes so there's so many but I've seen the big ones like Ichi is Ichi good? Ichi the Killer is good what's the recent one he did

the recent he actually made a samurai movie 13 Warriors 13 Assassins yeah I didn't know he did that yeah he did that he does

all different kinds of shit too uh the happy murakamis there's some there's some like he makes the weird every genre every weird he's like kubrick kind of satire he's actually nothing like kubrick but that's just like a kubrick guy he's nothing even a little bit like kubrick but that's cool yeah so um because it's japanese but it's just like Kubrick um this how what would you show him though I don't know but but I wanted to talk about addition oh okay then keep going what do you think about that movie I like it I love it I think it's why do you love it so much well I like it starts out it's about a guy who is a widow widow widower what do you call it he's a widower yeah and his wife his wife died seven

years ago and his son is finally like hey why don't you you gotta find someone so he uh pairs up with his other guy who produces movies and this guy they hold an audition for this movie that they are going to make but the guy the other guy suggests, hey, whoever the runner-up is, why don't you try to take her out? Maybe you pick somebody from the audition process that you think you could be with. It's basically like a good guy version of the typical casting couch. Yeah, totally right. He's like, oh, okay. If that's such a thing.

I mean, it's bad because what's the premise the premise the whole movie not the spoiler alert is about a long play of his punishment for being like that right yes okay right um and so the um so i so so i watched it last night and an hour in i fell asleep i couldn't do i'm gonna finish it tonight but i think i've seen it before i can't remember yeah okay i just love generally i love japanese oh the best horror movies except for no the best horror movies are the the dutch or norwegian or whatever the fuck is up there with all the blonde hair and all that no yeah the japanese the way that they are about death and the dead is way different than they are than we are in the west about yeah death dying. I know. Like the way they have ghosts, they're not like necessarily these scary stories. Scary, yeah.

Okay, you know what you're doing? Doing. You keep stomping on what I'm saying. You know what I'm talking about? And it's making me very angry. We're going to have a horror movie on our hands if you keep doing it. Wow, that's a good thing to say

if we're going to get into a fight. We're going to have a horror movie on our hands. I'm going to kick my ass! No, listen. You know what we're going to do? We're going to have a horror movie on our hands if you keep going. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. It's not a good thing just in if you're gonna get into a fight we're gonna have a horror movie you know what we're gonna do we're gonna have a horror movie on our hands if you keep going yeah yeah that's good yeah it's not a good thing just in a vacuum though i just did it okay okay so say i did good not that is or you did good so okay go ahead uh i completely forget what i was saying but if i was going to show someone a horror movie uh like if i if I was trying to get them to understand that the genre is great, I probably wouldn't pick something like Audition.

No, you couldn't. Or something classic like The Shining. Anything that's remotely obscure. Yeah, you can't do that. You kind of want to avoid. You can eventually get into that oops, right? Because you're still stomping on what I'm doing, right? So we're going to stop doing that.

It's a conversation, but yeah. But I'd avoid it like the plague. But don't know that's a good question like to hook to hook somebody on the horror genre i would say maybe the exorcist but that's a little old now you might get someone being like this is boring because just because it's old i know what to do the ring is a good one the original one no the american american one okay the original one is not as scary as the american one and i'm the only guy who says i don't think the original one is not that scary i i mean okay but i don't think the american remake is scarier the american ring is fucking scary i don't know if i agree with that now i'm gonna watch it yeah actually yeah it's pretty good yeah um and i and honestly for an american movie i think that that's the the movie. Even that's old now, though.

Yeah, I know. But it's still watchable. It's not like the 80s, bro. It was 2000-something. Yeah. No. Yeah, it was. When did The Ring come out?

Like 2005? Probably before that. Yeah. I think it was 2002. Yeah, 2002. Yeah, I was right. I was very close. Very close.

Very close. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. But I don't think I would show them the ring, though. Why not? I mean, I guess, yeah, if you're just trying to get them to like it. But if they don't like movies or if they watch reality TV, you know what I mean? You might get them on something more like wild or something, you know? Oh, like Scream?

That's not. I don't like that? Like, uh... That's not... I don't like that. Like Terrifier. That's not... Nobody's gonna fucking like Terrifier. No, nobody would ever watch another horror movie if the way you tried to convince them to watch horror movies and the reason to like them is to show them Terrifier.

Yeah. Sorry, Anthony. You guys haven't seen it. I did. I tried to see it. I tried to watch it too, but he's right... I saw like halfway. He's right that I didn't finish it.

You haven't watched the second one though. That's true. Yeah, that is true. That's true. I would though. For you, I would. To honor how much I disagree with you, I would watch the whole second one.

In fact, I'm going to do that. I don't know, man. I love horror movies. Dad hates them. You know what though? That's the thing. You're saying dad hates them. It's like people,

if they don't, if you're trying to get someone, an adult to like horror movies, it's not going to work. They already don't like them. Yeah, that's true. Horror is not something you get people that are wishy-washy on. I've always said this about horror movies. They are often, as a genre, they carry the most promise. They are capable of being the best movies. Some of my very favorite movies are horror movies,

but so often they are actually the very, very worst. Yeah. It's like R&B music. So much of that genre, yeah, is absolute trash. Yeah. Like the shit Anthony likes. Schlock, yeah. Anthony likes that stuff.

You know, some of it, very small amount, but still, they exist. Have you guys seen cabin in the woods yeah that's a great movie but that's not a horror it's not a great movie but it's okay that's not a horror movie yeah it's not a horror movie it kind of you know it kind of is it kind of is uh yeah it's funny if it's funny like that it's not a horror movie and now we're making rules i love that we're making rules i just saw that movie recently okay it's just so watchable dude okay okay no no no that's the thing A movie being watchable is the thing. Okay.

All right. All right. Let's do another one. Yeah, let's go. Ha ha. Here we go. Nice. What's up, Matt and Chris?

I recently quit eating processed sugar. Oh, wow. And it's going pretty well. I've noticed a ton of benefits in my energy levels, and I have way more control over what I'm eating and my cravings and stuff like that. So breaking that addiction was really good for me overall. My question is about the reactions you get from other people when you make certain changes in your life. For example, a lot of people have sort of had a knee-jerk reaction to me quitting, saying that, you know, oh, it's not healthy, or you need to have things in moderation,

you shouldn't deprive yourself. And while I think that might apply in certain cases I think for me it doesn't um I had to do it cold turkey just because I don't have that self-control and even after telling them this I still have to deal with it at every meal you know declining a dessert you kind of get like the eye rolls or people you know huffing and puffing about it and it's just discouraging because like i wanted to try something like fasting you know like a 48 hour fast something along those lines and i know that as soon as people find out i'm gonna do it it's just gonna be the same thing all over again and if either of you have ever fasted or tried to cut out anything like that,

you know that you just want to distract yourself. You don't want to have people constantly bring it up. If I was trying to quit cocaine or something, and people were always like, well, why don't you just have a little bit of cocaine? It's not triggering. It's exactly what I just said, dude. I was just going to say that. Trigger?

No, I think that's it. But when it's something else, Why don't you just have a little bit of cocaine? Exactly. That's exactly right. Don't surprise yourself with cocaine. I was just going to say that. Trigger? No. It makes no sense. But when it's something else, like sugar, it just goes right over their head. So these are people that mean well, and they are people in my life, so I know that they're not good. But also gross and balls, though. You know what I mean? But yeah, but gross and balls. But Trigger City, but gross and balls, right. You know what I mean? But yeah, I'll grow some balls. But Trigger City, I'll grow some balls, right?

You can agree a little bit Trigger City. I stopped drinking at a time of my life when I still had tons and tons of friends that drank a lot. So that would be my comparison. But as my brother is saying, grow some balls because all you really need to do is just like say no and be confident push back on it if they actually come at you for it but yeah the no is no and you can just ignore all the fucking eye rolls because here's the deal they're just like oh like he's so fussy yeah because they're fucking lazy fuck of course dude and they're jealous dude and this is what you can say to them oh yeah you know what be fussy and that's fine but i'm gonna be but but go ahead

and laugh your way into your grave and i'll be standing there pissing on your grave wow okay well don't say any of that but you could do that if you're john malkovich in the line of fire or in that situation it's kind of like armchair psychologists to be like they're just jealous of you that might not be the case but they're like he's fussy and i don't do fussy that's like that's the way that's like the underscore underlining of like all of that kind of behavior okay then i'm gonna piss on your grave towards people who scoff at you for changing something up and quote being difficult but dude who cares these people are obviously not hip to the thing that you're hip to yeah and like it's expected that people this is how people act they act like oh mr fussy okay fine yeah eye rolls looking at each other

being like oh yeah he doesn't do it anymore who cares i'll be laughing when i'm peeing on your grave okay or you could do that or you could do that version i get that it's frustrating but at the end of the day the only the reason i'm saying who cares this is the only way to get over it and the only way to sort of like get your hand back on top of theirs is just to be like i don't play that game homie don't play that homie don't play that homie don't play that i'll be laughing at that when i pee on your grave homie don't play that thing yeah homie don't play that the only way to win this is to is to engage in what i like to call homie don't play that dude it's not everything in moderation you know exactly that's what he was saying about people saying everything in moderation not everything in moderation murder there's one huge thing that there shouldn't be

moderation about there should be zero murdering right and sugar those two things no but i just feel like people are doing this because they everything in moderation is an idiotic thing to say yep i get it but it's like come on murder there's so many ways to poke holes in that stupid right murder i just did it yeah but that's obvious genocide how about that nuclear bombs i mean the the expression implies of the things to do but that's not what they're saying yeah it is basically it's implied everything moderation. But what he's saying is cocaine is a thing to do. So, oh, you mean that in moderation? Well, no, because it's going to make you addicted. You can do some Bolivian marching powder in some moderation.

Wow. The fact that you interrupted me just because you wanted to say Bolivian marching powder, you know? It's really something. It's going to be marching down your face. Most annoying guy in the history of... Between that and the Janis Joplin, I really killed this episode. What? Oh, God. Hold it on, keep it going.

You don't know what you're going to let go. Yeah, it's Joni Mitchell. It is what it is. I almost blocked it out of my memory, but thanks for bringing it back. Joni Mitchell, Janis Joplin. Who's Janis Joplin? Well, Janis Joplin's a different singer. I know, but what does she sing?

The Mercedes Benz song. I guarantee that she sang the thing I'm saying. No, man. You can't do that because you don't know that and there's no way to argue with it. I guarantee she sang that. What's the person that's arguing with you going say oh yeah oh i guarantee she didn't right so i got you on detective no that's very stupid and you argue like all i'm saying is that you don't need to eat sugar and grow some balls and also that's like that's life people are just going

to be like can i have you know you oh you're a pussy boy right that's what happened oh you oh dude you don't oh you're better than us it's the yeah it's the implication that you're better than us or no more than us or whatever but again i'm a bad guy because i snort fun dip okay the only way to take your power back in a situation like that is again to do a little thing i like to call homie don't play that okay okay i like to call it that everybody else can call it something else but the thing i like to call it is homie don't play that okay cool well then that's fine great um i will be in nashville i will be in different cities i will be in uh ottawa and montreal go to chrislea.com for tickets i'll be in philadelphia you know it's just gonna

be balls to the wall there's gonna be so be so crazy, man. It's going to be absolutely insane. Yeah, I think it is. Go to WatchLifeline.com if you've got a question. Or you can leave us a message on the Lifeline hotline like that last fella just did at 213-973-8095.

And of course, you can get one-on-one sessions with me, your boy, baby, baby, Matt D'Elia at mattd'elia.com. And speaking of pimping, get the new Lifeline merch at lifelinemerch.com. You can get the amazing purple hoodies. You can get the sweatshirt one with the little emblem in the corner. It's over the breast.

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But the best part is that if you do do those things, not only do you love us, but we love you. And most of you, if not probably all of you are now my best friend and his best friend oh wow okay okay yeah okay sure only if they like it and subscribe though right i understand thank you very much