Lifeline - 58. I'll Have The Calamari

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Dude, good job, man. You got a dog on your lap. Dude. You ever think about how you have a dog on your lap and it's so close because he's touching,

your genitals are touching? Basically, only there's a she. I've straight up never once thought about that. Me neither. Me neither. I brought it up because I was wondering if you thought of that. When she rolls over and I happen to see it,

all I ever think, Billy, my old dog, fans of mine from back in the day will absolutely know billy billy's the queen the legend pisses me off that anthony's in the bathroom flush toilet but well nobody i know but i heard it and that's what matters so anyway billy yeah um so when she would roll over especially but charlie too and i would see it uh i would just think well my that's a that looks like calam just think, well, that looks like a calamari. Okay. Because it looks so much like a calamari and nothing else.

You got problems. No, I don't have problems. Oh. Because you're the one that does because you think about the other thing that you said in the beginning. Sure, right. I don't have problems because all I do is see with my eyes. My eyes make a connection to a thing that it looks like more than the thing that it actually is. So boring. Which is calamari.

So boring the way you broke it down. I love the calamari. Wait, what's that from? Wait, what's that from? I love the calamari. Wait, what's that from? It's when Ray Winston's doing the best acting ever in Sexy Beast. When he first hears Don Logan is coming into town and he's just like.

I love the calamari yeah yeah yeah so good I just did so good too Ray Winston I just did so good too okay okay

yeah Ray Winston is the guy from pull him up he's the guy from he's the best no the best is Tim Daly

no the best is yeah Ray was he's amazing yeah he's so good. You plebeians out there would know him from The Departed, probably. Plebeians, you know. But

the best is, and I always forget his name. God, I always forget his name. And he is legit the best actor who is like him. Is he going to say Jason Isaacs? No, Tom, he's great. But Tom Tom Cruise. Oh, Tom Wilkinson. Yeah, he's amazing.

He's the greatest actor. Yeah, he's amazing. You know what he has a small part in but is just so amazing in? And I know what you're going to say too. After I say this, the ghost writer. Oh, with Nicolas Cage.

Knew it. Knew it. Nope. The Roman Polanski movie with Ewan McGregor. What superhero is he? Ray Winston is amazing. He was in Batman and he played a guy from Brooklyn.

Ray Winston did? No, Tom Wilkinson did. No, no, I'm sorry. Tom Wilkinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom Wilkinson's amazing. In the Batman with not the new one. Dude, do you remember that old, really old OG trans movie that he was in?

Him? He played a guy, I believe. I never saw it, but I remember the trailer so well. This is in the maybe early aughts or even late 90s. He played like a normal family man who comes out as someone who... Is it...

I don't know if he's trans, but he loves... In the bedroom or whatever? Quiet in the bedroom? No, that's just a great movie that he's in. Oh, he's in that, right? This was an HBO movie with him

and I think it might have... I want to say Jessica Lange, but I'm not sure. It was a TV movie back before TV movies were like, before they were the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay,

cool. Well, um, all right, listen guys, uh, did we make a big enough deal about Charlie though? No,

we, we did, but yeah, I mean, I like Charlie. Charlie's great. She's great. Charlie's great.

Go to the, obviously the thing so we can talk about the thing. We've got a Patreon, uh, up and running now. We're starting to drop episodes in May. May 21st.

Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. You're doing it so wrong. Oh, got it. Just cut that out. Or leave it. We don't care. June is when it starts, right?

This episode comes out high. It's May 21st. And patreon.com slash lifeline luxury. The Patreon episodes drop starting June 4th. So you can go to Patreon, get signed up. We do at least two a month episodes that are at least 30 minutes long of Matt and I just bantering because I know that that's what a lot of the fans want. No videos, no calls or anything like that. So it's just us.

Brotherly love. Lifeline Luxury. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. And so sign up today. I'm on tour. ChrisLea.com. Go to HitThumbCities. And then we can go.

Matt, you got what? I got my own solo one-on-one i'm helping people out in the world man they reach out to me they say hey matt i need you i beg of you help me and i say that's not a problem because i got help tons of help to give tons of love to give tons of everything to give frankly uh you can make your own appointment with me at mattdalia.com baby baby bad about, pimple, pimple, bad about it. Or you can leave us a message on the hotline, 213-973-8095, or send in a video. If you have a question, watch lifeline.com.

And merch, lifeline, merch.com. Whatever. We got it going. You know what I mean? I do, yeah. I was just checking my fantasy baseball, yeah. Oh, that's important, dude. Yeah.

So why do you do fantasy baseball? Well first of all i love baseball there's okay there you go but that's not the reason no okay because a lot of people who love baseball are like you play fantasy what a loser and i say i'm not a loser and then how then what happens and then i slap them with a glove not with my hand glove around yeah i bring a glove and i go do you take it off first dude robin hood prince of thieves remember that was that what that's from no you can slap with a glove and then he takes the armor glove and slaps oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i can't believe i remember that and uh i i can't believe i remember that to be honest so i play fantasy baseball because i remember it more than you can't believe i remember it it's like it brings me such joy

now i don't want to dig deep on why why because it's going to start to piss me off because I'm going to get close to my feelings in a way that I'm not comfortable yet. Let me think about it. Bring it back next week. We'll talk more about it. About why you like fantasy football? I'll examine my feelings. Basketball?

Oops, you said it. You didn't even get it right the second time. Fantasy football, basket, baseball. Well, there is fantasy all of them. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I used to do all of them. I'm into fantasy tennis. I bet it exists actually how it's one person yeah but you can do it like

as a group i got pete sampras yeah exactly yeah i mean so old you know dude i got jennifer capriati oh my god wow remember when monica sellis got stabbed on the court no that was crazy i don't remember that monica was the coolest. She would go, and she would hit the ball, you know? Yep. Dude, if I was a tennis player, uh-oh.

Oh, my God. I wish sometimes, this is why I'm a comedian, but I wish I was, I wish I was something else sometimes so I could do it the funniest way. But you would be so bad, no one would that's the catch

allow you into tournaments i know well no if i was a if i was as good of a tennis player as i am comedian yeah i'd be right well sure yeah okay so i would be i would be the guy who would go oh no when i do it okay uh-oh that would dope. Yeah, you would get famous because players that are a little bit more bombastic and look at me than others definitely don't have to be as good if they're watchable. I wouldn't be the number one tennis player. I would be whatever number I am comedian, but I would be like, oh, no! Well, that's not that entertaining. Oh, it is?

Are you kidding me? I don't think... Oops! Ah, shint! i can't say wow shint you know upsy-daisy let's see you handle that one well that'd be me yelling so loud but that but we'd have to be because so everyone in wimbledon could hear it is it hard to mix these episodes because chris is yelling so much no okay slammed you oh here we go and up and at him dude when i'm wasting so much energy on the court i know that's

the thing maybe i make it shorter yeah that's why it's that's why the players that do do that are just like because it's quick yeah and it's cinchy wow because you know what that means simple yeah yeah simple all in a day's work dude i would be you know how many endorsement deals i'd have you probably people probably think you're absolutely crazy but that's okay but then i would sit and i would do regular interviews like uh and behind the what do they call it post-game shit and i would just be like yeah no it's just you know that's how i do it i'm you know i i gotta do it because that's that's it man you know and people be like all right well he's not crazy it's a cinch it's a cinch and then that would be a shirt dude i'm the man there's a guy like that right now all right, well, he's not crazy. It's a cinch. It's a cinch. And then that would be a shirt, dude.

I'm the man. There's a guy like that right now. Who is that guy? I was just thinking about that. Who is that guy? Nick Kyrgios. And what does he do? He's very bombastic, loud, does funny things during the thing.

Where's he from again? And he's from Australia. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of Greek descent, I think. Yeah, he's kind of cool looking too, right? Yeah, he's cool. I like to see him try to do stand-up.

But anyway. But exactly to your point he's he hasn't won a whole lot of like he's really good yeah of course he's right but um yeah he hasn't been winning but he's so everybody wants to watch it there you go well people don't do that because they think the game is pure hey this is what i say to that hey dude you're still hitting the ball around there's a huge argument in most sports but right now in baseball because it's kind of still the most old-fashioned in a way right well tennis uh yeah true american sports yeah uh but like the bat flips and the really exuberant celebrations old school players are like that's not how you play the game it's like do you want people to watch want fans to just go away? Yeah, it's crazy.

Do you want to get new fans? Because new fans will come when players are going crazy and doing funny, interesting stuff. Not just hitting a home run to win the game and then just trot around the bases and then go home. You got to do a cool bat flip.

You got to do something to the fans, whether you're at home, you pump them up, you're away, you give them the bird, whatever. You can dude you can't even see charlie on my lap right now but her entire fat hot body is on my lap you can see her you can see oh there's oh her butt dude that's hilarious only her butt is protruding i can see her whole back you're wrong you're blind so oh no that's just her butt that's just her butt all right well so you're pissing me off so no i can see her butt So you're pissing me off Yeah because you're behind the table No I can see it on the screen is what I'm saying

Yeah that's the guy I was thinking of Oh really the guy that you mentioned What do you mean that's the guy you were thinking of You said the guy and he googled the guy No he said the guy And I said I think I know that guy Oh nice nice nice Alright so that's cool

If I was a tennis player that that's how I would be. Okay. Now that we've established that, should we get going? Okay. You know I got most improved when I was 12 years old playing tennis? It's just because you were so bad. You had a big way to go. I was so, so bad, and I got most improved.

But I got most improved legit. I didn't get most improved like it wasn't Mr. Hustle. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got most improved because it was legit, dude. I was a really good tennis player as a kid. Remember they'd give everybody Mr. Hustle? Oh, dude, yeah. They sucked.

Nobody wanted it. If you got Mr. Hustle, everyone would tease you. I got it once in basketball, but it's just like... Dude, it's just like, highest scorer, greatest player, most rebounds, and seven Mr. Hustles dude you know what I have

all the Asian kids and shit and me I hold a record at our high school that we both went to basketball record not even a baseball record

but basketball I took the most three pointers ever in a season and also missed by far

the most three pointers ever taken in a season that and also missed by far the most three-pointers ever taken in a season. That's a horrible record. Isn't that crazy? Is it up in like the locker rooms? Well, no one would ever... They don't put the shameful records. I know, I know, I know.

But I wish it was. Yeah, that would be amazing. But yeah, I shot like 77 threes. That's too many. And made 11. Oh my God. All right, well look. If you like the banter,

go on over to Lifeline Luxury, patreon.com slash lifelineluxury, and get on our Patreon. We start dropping the episodes June 4th. So, let's get into the show, though, huh? Let's get into the show. Lifeline. The OG Lifeline.

Let's get into it. Let's see what you got here. Harley Quinn. Hey, guys. My name's Alyssa. I live in Florida, and I'm 25 years old. That hair is so good. I work in window tinning.

Um, it is. Yeah. Nice. As you can see. Um, and because I'm a girl, I get guys that come into my store that talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot or they just try to bypass me and go straight to my boss.

Um, a lot of times I get guys that just don't want to deal with me at all. Um, so I'm looking for some spin moves because I don't really know how to handle these situations until after people have already left. So because then, you know, your brain starts going. You could have said that you didn't. So I'm just looking for some stuff to keep in the arsenal to hit them with you know anything would be appreciated um love you so much chris you were awesome in lakeland thank you for fucking coming

to lakeland yeah um and i'll see you in fort myers hell yeah dude oh cool i love uh yeah that's actually the lakeland show is so fun um off the off the chain i was gonna say it was fire no don't ever say that well because i'm 43 no just because but no if no one's allowed to say you think it's oh it's fine every time somebody says that's fire i think dumb okay well i didn't say it no i know that's why i said good but even if i did say it i think dumb for different reasons about you okay um um so i very rude that's that's hard because to me, obviously I'm wrong, but to me in my mind...

Two plus two is seven. Even shitty chauvinistic men wouldn't be like that about window tinting, in my mind. But like... Yeah. Obviously I'm wrong. Yeah.

And that doesn't like shock me, but it's still kind of like that seems weird because it's you're not better or worse that really like window tinting is not doesn't require anything particularly it's a skill that you learn but it's not particularly uniquely male in any way oh got it and yeah so that those guys it's a car thing guys think it's a car thing maybe which which is stupid but yeah it is stupid yeah but but it's like car thing, guys think it's a car thing, maybe. Which is stupid, but I'm just trying to- Yeah, it is stupid, yeah. But it's like-

Like the whole muscle car tinted kind of, I don't know. I guess the thing would be something about that, but you don't want to go and get fired, dude. So you don't want to come at them too hard because you're going to potentially lose a customer, and then your boss is going to get mad. So you got to kind of be maybe maybe passive aggressive about it in a, in a funny way. Yeah. But like,

just take him to task in a way that's like, kind of like not cutting off his balls, but putting them in a vice. You go like this metaphorically. Yeah. You want to see my manager. Wait, by the way,

she's, would they ask for the boss or what? Her boss, her boss. You want to see my boss just because I don't have a penis. I mean, that might be good. Or here's what I really think you should do. Honestly, this is what you really should do.

Talk to your boss about it. Ooh, that's good. And say, hey, listen, this happens a lot. That's good. Can you have my back? Yeah. Back me up when this happens a lot. That's good. Can you have my back? Yeah. Back me up when this happens. Yeah.

Right? Because then the boss comes out and says, hey, what's going on? And they say, well, I wanted to do this and that. And she says, well, what's wrong with her handling it? She can handle it. Right, right. Because if I was your boss and you told me that, I would love to do that to someone.

Right, yeah. That's the move. That's good. Even if you're, I would say, if you're tight with your boss, cool. Even if you're not, it's cool. Because like, dude, that's so annoying, you know? with your boss, cool. Even if you're not, it's cool. Because, like, dude, that's so annoying. And your boss will agree. Your boss hired you.

Unless he's a piece of shit. And if he's a piece of shit, then you got a whole other issue there. But it's right. I would imagine he's not a piece of shit in that regard. All other piece of shitness is on the table. But I would venture to guess he's not sexist because he hired you. Right, true. So I would imagine he would be receptive to that. table but i i would venture to guess he's not sexist because he hired you right true so uh i

would imagine he would be receptive to that uh in in in the first place so that's a good idea yeah you almost never have the right i pretty much have the most fire ideas wow and that idea was super fire that was good all right yeah good cool there we go let's see what's up nice nice hoodie started over obviously because we're talking and started over and there we go they've got a condom for a hat and the hoodie handsome me i am no him okay what's going on guys i just want to start by saying that i love you guys's relationship as brothers my brother wasn't around too much growing up so I get to live vicariously through you guys and the fucking rules. That's cool.

That's sweet. My wife takes too many pictures. Wow. Bottom line, we go on a walk. She takes 50 pictures. That's hilarious. She's editing the pictures while we're walking. We go to a restaurant.

We do whatever. She's taken a million pictures. And I'm not really – I don't like taking pictures. I never have. I'm not really a don't like taking pictures I never have I'm not really a smiley kind of guy I mean I smile of course but like when it comes

to pictures I just never feel like taking them it's not good I'm a very in the moment just be there and remember it later I don't need a picture for it

am I being a dick let me know Chris been a fan since Midwest City, Oklahoma years ago Matt your style is impeccable. I remember that.

I fucking love you guys. I'm glad I called him handsome at the top because he complimented me at the end. What do you think he is out of 10? An 8? Oh, I would say 8.5, yeah. Okay, because I'm... I thought this was a handsome guy. Because you know what I am.

You're like a 6.5. That's crazy. You're like a 7. That is... No, you... That's low-key crazy. I'm fire you you should agree with that seven seven is good it's not it's okay bro but when you it's not a d you know i'm

saying yeah it's a c yeah exactly it's not a d so listen uh i don't think you're a dick i i have a whole thing where look i'm much happier these days. Like when I'm with my family and shit and we're taking pictures, I actually feel happy. So I'll smile. But I used to be on that shit where it's like, dude, I'm not going to smile unless I'm happy. You want to remember the time the way it was. You don't want to look back on all these pictures and you're just in every picture like this. Sure.

It's like this guy was just always happy. Well, that's why I don't like posed. Right on all these pictures and you're just in every picture like this. Sure, yeah. It's like this guy was just always happy. Well, that's why I don't like posed. Right, posed pictures, yeah. That's why if she's just taking pictures, I was going to say this actually, but continue when I'm done. No, no, go ahead. When you're just taking pictures of what's going on? Yeah. Doesn't bother me.

When you're like needing to stop the moments. Yeah, that's horrific. That's, it ruins everything. And like maybe just wait to the end. Ask her to like wait until something's nearing an end to like get all the photos that we're all going to get together. Yeah. Or get them out of the way in the beginning. Don't like do it throughout.

Also, the editing while you're – after you've taken them, while you're out still you gotta she's got to compromise no photo editing until she gets home a photo edit when you're at home yeah doing your own thing yeah that's not a group activity or a couple activity then she's literally being anti-social yeah taking photos is still a social thing to do making people pose for a photo more than like once i get it if you want to do it once that's fine but that's like you're basically that's a smaller version of the guy at the party with who wants to play the guitar you're like oh now it's that bad dude it's a smaller version i said yeah but you shouldn't it's not even the same ball it's not even the same i was gonna say ballpark it's not even the same ball game yeah but it's a it's a smaller version because you

have to stop what you're doing and do that man much smaller you should say much if you said much smaller because i didn't say the word much you're're going to get on me for that? I am. That's crazy, bro. I am. And? All the calamari. Dude, you know what's weird is? It's really nice that people say, they do say that they live vicariously through us as brothers like that. And what is that? I know what vicarious means. Oh, I know for sure.

But like, they didn't have the relationship with their brother like that? Well, what they're saying is that they have a sibling. I think, you know, women say it too about their sisters and brothers. It reminds them of them? No, they weren't close. As he said, they weren't that close with their sibling growing up. And they always wished they were. Not like one really wanted to be all the time with the sibling and the other one didn't.

It's just like that closeness isn't initially there yeah and they wish that they were naturally closer with their sibling is my sense of what they're talking about uh which i actually have evolving thoughts on this like i i know what people mean when they say that but what i've realized as i've gone on in years is like most people straight up most by a good amount don't have a good relationship not just with their siblings but with their families in general like they they don't like want to see them over the holidays they don't really want to call them to check in it's like so and i obviously get it but like it's i find that very interesting and unfortunate because there's a lot of people like that who really do wish they had that natural inkling to want to be close. It's like they don't hate their siblings.

It's not like they butt heads, but it's like they don't have that thing. Yeah. I really hope that – I mean, we're really close with our family and all that stuff, and obviously we're close. William and Calvin. Calvin and William. I just think it really like – I'm so happy that they have each other and i can't wait for them to have that man like like william is at the point where he just started to open his eyes and stuff and like look around and like smile a little bit and it's just like today calvin came into the room

this morning and he and he and um and i you know he was like and why was he doing that because he just in the morning he just does kind of sometimes you know how do you kind of yeah like he's just like i'll go downstairs and um you come come with like a pussy and stuff no no because he's no i'm just checking the man of the house and so i uh so so kristen was with william already was like six something feeding him and i was like six something feeding him. And I was like, come on, buddy, let's go to your room. And I went into his room and his bed and we slept together for another few hours. And I, I just think it's like to think that like, I get to do that again with William after Calvin gets too old and like, well, I'm going to be with both of them and they're

both going to have each other is it's the most beautiful thing dude and i i really wish that people could like have that you know and not everybody does i guess and um you know we're lucky to have that at the same time i think being an only child would be pretty sick people are always like i don't think that would be great i don't know why that like if that's all you know and your parents are cool. Yeah, I mean, being an only child is fine.

Getting it all. Getting it all, dude. What I'm saying is being close with your sibling versus not being close with your sibling. Yeah, I'm just,

I'm taking it somewhere else, which is what people do in conversations, which is what this is, which is all good. All right, yeah, just tell her,

you can't be antisocial. Take pictures, you can't be antisocial and that almost kind of does include taking too many posed photos because you're breaking up the social gathering and ruining it. One time I was laughing so hard with three people, like so hard. Like we were having a ball.

It was on a plane, and then one of the people said, you guys want to play a game? And it ruined everything. You hate games, though. Yeah, but it ruined everything. We were laughing, crying laughing. And she's like, you want to play a game and we go oh and she explained some game neither of us knew and it was like that okay we'll try and it was so bad dude wow that's yeah play a game while you're

having the best time that's odd yup dude what's better yeah anyway you want to play candyland while we're recording what's better than what's better having sex or having a time where you're just laughing so hard with everyone well because the latter is much much much more specific and guarantees that you're having an insanely good time definitely that yeah i agree so uh that would be worse than in the middle of sex being like yo let's stop and have and play a game there you go well that the latter would be so weird the first one's weird the latter would be demented dude equally as weird just like having sex with your girlfriend you know yeah and then all of a sudden your girlfriend's like i'll have the calamari all right let's do uh i'll have the calamari when i have sex with

my girlfriend you know disgusting let's do it absolutely disgusting hey guys what up with the sweet mate that goes oh yeah what do you say first of all i'm he's the guy he's the guy who has the roommate that's always hawking oh oh oh oh i remember this guy all right dude from the beginning again i want to hear it god airpods suck huh they do hey guys what up it's your boy in the army in the barracks with a sweet mate that goes um first of all i'm absolutely pissed that i'm wearing a v-neck in this video but it's okay besides the point I took your advice and I confronted the guy it is helpful in person and I'm like hey you shot him uh clean the bathroom please and he goes all right well I'm like okay that's good so I give him a few days right okay

guess if he does it no of course not so not. So, I... That's actually weird. Then I type up a note, and I print it, and I slide it under his door. Okay. And I give him a few days. Then I run into him in person again. Whoa. And he says, hey, I got your letter. And I'm like, okay.

And he's like, I bought a bunch of stuff to clean the bathroom. And I'm like, okay. If I can do it, right? And he doesn't do it. Oh, he still didn't do it. Now, what do I do? Like, I know that I can reach out to his commander and be like, he is dirty.

This guy's dirty. You know, blah, blah and i don't know get him in trouble but like i also don't want to be a rat but i don't know how to i don't know what to do anymore it's hard if it's windy but fucking okay that was a really good submission man i like that guy's attitude i like him too my favorite guy i've ever known in the army you're my army buddy and i love you dad was in the army but okay my army buddy and I love you Dad was in the army but okay Actually no he was Mom was in the army

Okay so my second favorite guy in the army Mom was in the army she was like you're in a band guys Get him With the helmet on Alright I mean dude just you've gone Far enough just go all the way and be like use the supplies you bought man are you trolling me because at this point it's like he's just like pulling your

leg like like you okay dude hey you said you bought the stuff use it yeah like everyone does with things they buy yeah man i don't really know how i feel about this because you you taught him you told him twice now and he's on his way to do it he hasn't done it yet he says he's got the stuff so great i don't believe in being a rat yeah no but also if it's not getting done then what is the what what what you got to do what i said you got to say, hey, this is the third time now. You went so far as to buy supplies, which I appreciate. Now I'm just like, you're not using them. And to comply with my request, which you said you were going to do, you need to use the things you bought.

Yeah. Because they don't magically use themselves. Yeah, there you go. That's a good thing to say. Don't say comply, but yeah. Yeah. I mean, especially the guy in the arm. Yeah, that's why I said that.

I missed that. But yeah, men don't like to be told that they thing to say. Don't say comply, but yeah. Yeah. I mean, especially the guy in the arm. Yeah. That's why I said that. I missed that. But yeah, men don't like to be told that they have to comply. But like he meant, if you put it in the context of, I made a request and you said, okay,

like I comply. Or you could literally just walk up to him and be like, hey, comply. Right. Yeah.

And then hand him the liquid 409 or whatever you have, you know? Yeah. All right, cool. Wow. Or,

or look at his supplies, like say it's liquid 409 or Windex or whatever and go into his know? Yeah. All right, cool. Wow. Or look at his supplies, like say it's Liquid 409 or Windex or whatever, and go into his room and look at it and just be examining it until he says, like, what are you doing? And you're like, oh, it's weird. It doesn't look like this was... Yeah.

The seal is still on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it hasn't even been used. It's gonna be like... Yeah. This doesn't... These don't use themselves? Yeah, right, yeah.

What the heck? You bought all these supplies, and they don't even use themselves. What the heck is going on? It's almost like somebody needs to use these for the bathroom to get clean. What the heck? Wow. You woke up, Charlie. Good job.

It's okay. All right. Yeah, next one. Cool. Hey, Chris. Hey, next one. Cool. Hey, Chris. Hey, man. How do I get this baby off me? I had two things I wanted to say.

He looks cool. First of which is, I think, a good entry-level horror movie. Look how cute it is. It's the Babadook. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's good. I think it has that high tension.

Yeah, Babadook is good. That baby is so cute. It has really good allegory for loss. Yeah, you're right. You're right. So that creates a nice conversation i'm pissed but he's right because i didn't think it's scary enough where i think it'll sort of get into your head um but not too scary to scare people away from the genre yeah yeah that's a good call stop showing me up though that was my input on the topic um Second thing is about this little guy. That's a cute kid.

I want to avoid him having any food aversions in the future. My nephew, he has so many food aversions. He'll only eat like three different foods. It's kind of a nightmare to watch him. That's so common. This guy will eat anything right now, but he's only eight months old. So I'm worried about in the future if he will hate everything like my nephew. I'm wondering if any of you guys have any advice on the topic, Matt or Chris,

because I really want him to have a diverse palate. Yeah. Enjoy the delicious foods that we enjoy. Spicy food and all that. Give him the spicy stuff. I'm rambling. I love you guys. Hope this finds you well and hope to hear from you soon. Thanks, man. What a nice guy.

Yeah. That's a real thing. But honestly, if he's eight months and already eating everything, then you're probably safe. Really? Was it really? Yeah. Like if you're eight months and he's already eating a lot of stuff, that's great. Like Calvin wasn't.

Calvin wasn't. You're saying even at eight months, he was picky? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And he's kind of picky. He's picky now.

No, I know that. Now, you know, it's really good and advantageous to give them everything early on, like everything. Like even like raw fish and just, I mean, everything. They might not like it, but they will develop a taste for having a wider range of food that they like. And my son has a fine okay range it's not great but um we made sure to at least make him kind of get him to try i should make him but get him to try a lot of the things um and even spicy stuff he likes sushi um yeah he does and so but a lot of times now if it looks weird he'll be like i don't like that and i was like i'm like buddy you don't know if you don't like it yet can you at least try it because this thing happened where we would use this toothpaste and then i switched

the toothpaste and he was like no i don't like it and i was like buddy you didn't even try it and we spent like 10 minutes in his, even if a new toothpaste is good and I will eventually like it, the first time I use it, it makes me want to throw up. Something about new toothpaste is so bad to me. Okay. So I don't like it either. Yeah.

So British. So I said to him, I was like, buddy, try it. It took like 10 minutes. I was like, please just at least try it. I gave him a little bit and he goes like this he goes and he's he literally goes like this i like it oh so now i mean it was so funny and then so now what i do is do you remember the toothpaste remember you didn't like it and now and then you liked it this is going to be like that most likely so maybe try it if you don't it, then you don't have to eat it.

What does he do? And then he, now he's coming around to being like, okay. And he'll go like, you know, and normally he likes it because it's good food. We order good food or Kristen makes good food. And, um, but sometimes he's just like, no, I don't like it. And then we just say, all right, well, you don't have to eat it. But it's, you know, it earlier on is the best way to do it. And if you're doing it at eight months and he'll eat anything,

then I would venture to say it's probably going to be okay. I would say that it was his nephew. They probably didn't expose him to many things. Also, I could be wrong about this, but I feel like I've heard that it actually lessens the likelihood of there being stomach problems or even maybe allergies later in life because it's like antibiotics. Yeah, if they're exposed to it.

Antibodies, like you get them if you're slightly exposed to shit. There was a study that something like, it's like in Israel or something where the food, there was a like, I think it was a peanut allergy that was like very prevalent.

And they realized it's because they thought that way back whenever peanuts were bad for children. Dude, that's specifically what I had heard what I just said about peanuts. They were like exposed children to peanuts. I don't know. I didn't

read that study, but I had heard that. And then it went away when they started realizing, oh, they're not bad for kids. And then now there's way less of a peanut allergy stuff his face with peanuts that's my advice okay well it is kind of weird though if you do have a peanut allergy you just kind of got to like wait it out you give it to a baby you're like i hope this is okay right but i think the point is the point is that it's likely to lead to them not having an allergy right yes it is yeah yeah okay okay next one um i'm good we're doctors yeah hey chris and matt i love you guys this is andy i have a dating question i was wondering how long it takes men to get over a serious relationship.

I met a guy about three weeks ago and we had a really great connection. We were getting ready to introduce our kids and then he got scared and said that he wasn't ready. We both were in a relationship that was toxic and they lasted about three to four years. So I'm not going to wait around for this guy. But I'm also wondering when or what to do if he does come back. Yeah. And Chris, you were great in Cincinnati. I love you. Oh, thanks.

Cute. Cincinnati was fucking awesome. Okay. First of all, I think the answer to your just general question about how long does it take for guys to get over a partner i don't i don't maybe i'm wrong but i don't think it's time-wise i don't think it's different for women and men but i think the men that or at least personally in my experience i should say uh i the amount of time it takes for me to get over somebody is pretty much not always but pretty much directly correlated to how soon i meet someone that yeah sort of like takes that person's

space in my brain not fully not and not certainly not the same way but the same amount of interest and amorous feelings towards them like it tends to be either a long time that i can long for my previous relationship because it was i haven't found a new one and it's like yeah fair you think about what went wrong and yeah uh what you might have been able to do differently but until you know once i would meet someone new it was like it was almost like to visualize it just like completely like one person exits my brain and the other one is new and then it's like voila, as they say. I do think that it's bad that – I do think that it's not the best to do that though. I think it's best to get over someone fully.

Oh, for sure. But yeah, I definitely have done that. I mean almost exclusively. I mean it's so hard. The reason I say that though is because it's kind of a litmus test if the guy's into you because like it wouldn't matter how long it's been. If he's really into you,

then like his mind wouldn't still be clogged. Yeah, you're right. Unless he's got like PTSD or something like that from a previous relationship. That's different. That's a whole different story. That's different. If it's not that, I would agree.

He's just not that into you. Yeah, but if it's just about that relationship ended and it's all good and whatever, everybody just moved on, and yet he's still thinking about his ex or still has trepidation about you, whatever, it's probably,

I never want to say definitely, but it's probably a sign that he is still hung up on the previous girl. Yeah. Or, I don't know, but it's probably a sign that he is still hung up on the previous girl yeah yeah or uh i don't know maybe it's like a i'm trying to think of i shouldn't fucking throw this out there but i don't know maybe he doesn't want his kids to meet you because then the kids will say something to the mom or something you know that's always true i don't know i shouldn't but would he let the relationship end if that was the right yeah i don't know maybe just got too serious comes back it's if you're saying that it makes me think you have a reason to believe that so if he does come back in one way or another or circle back around somehow whatever uh i think that you should just put it to him like that

you shouldn't just say hey look i totally get it everybody has different experiences with different people and sometimes it's longer to heal than other people. But if you are seriously interested in me, then it shouldn't be a problem about your act. It's just not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say that. If he comes back... Nicely.

Say it as totally straightforward and warm as you can because it's just true and you don't have to hold hard feelings against him for that. But you should put it into his head that those are your feelings. Okay, cool. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm sorry I wasn't funnier, but like, you know, you should put it into his head that that is your, your feeling, those are your feelings. Okay, cool. Yeah, that's a good idea.

I'm sorry I wasn't funnier, but that's the truth. Well, I'm just saying. Do something funny right now and then we'll go on. Okay, so,

do you guys, well, so, no, it's all good, but, all righty. So,

what's up with, well, all right, sweating. Oh, here we go. We get a phone call. Hey, guys.

I just want to say thanks for doing what you're doing. Very enjoyable. Robot. I appreciate it. Robot. And I love you guys. So my question is, I'm seeing two females at the moment. Player. At the moment, one is someone who likes to do the horizontal slam multiple times a week, and it's great.

But we don't connect much on a personal level. Whereas the other one, we connect great on a personal level, have very good conversations. We connect great on a personal level, have very good conversations. Nice guy. But the horizontal slamming is limited to once a week or once every couple weeks. So just in your opinion, what should I do? And in the past, I've went with the one that loved to do the slamming, and she cheated on me.

Wow. Yeah, any advice would be great. Thanks, brother. What if the guy was 55? All right, I actually have a specific thing to say about this, so let me go first. First of all, if you're doing that, I'm not moralizing, but you should probably be in the open about it to some degree or another. That they both know you're not exclusive with them.

That's it. But beyond that, I would say if you actually need to make a choice because you should choose the one that you have the greater emotional connection with. And it's not necessarily for an obvious reason. I think the reason really is I know so, myself included, I know so many people who have had somewhere around two-year relationships many times throughout the course of their life. Then that relationship ends. And the reason that happens, this is a thing I learned, and I'm full of things I learned because I'm smart. So one of the things I've learned was that typically that's around the time that the love and lust chemicals wear off. And the high of meeting someone new and being super physical with them

and being horizontal, slamming, whatever. I don't read GQ, so it wasn't that. I read that once, it was like 15 years ago. Those chemicals tend to wear off and what you're left with is just the person across from you and how much you like them. And if you're two years in

and you're wondering like, oh, what's going on? Something's wrong. I'm not really feeling the way I used to. That's very likely what's going on. But if it's someone you like a lot as a human being and you connect really well about other stuff beyond just like lust things,

then you probably will not run into those. You might run into other issues, but you won't run into that issue. So if you plan on being with someone long term, absolutely, without a doubt, I would tell you to go with the one that you're more emotionally connected to. Yeah. I mean, look, you're saying that basically sex becomes the same for everyone after five years anyway. And so you should be with someone that you can have a conversation with with and that's how short and succinct you can possibly say it

but you took a long way and that's fine but what i'm saying is you want another reason i know but well i guess yeah true but the but the guy is um look you're having sex once a week or once every two weeks me no him i'm just kidding he is obviously that's not really that bad that's yeah but i i mean right i agree but it depends on the context like is he like please can we just oh well definitely yeah but he didn't say that so sure right and then also uh is it good sex if it's good sex and she just doesn't want to have it that much i still think that that's absolutely okay and that's good especially if you're going to live a life with this i agree you know if if obviously the sex is probably better

with the woman that he's having it a lot i mean i'm just right i'm just guessing if he's having it a lot she's into it i bet it's probably it's probably it's probably better but sex is very very important in a relationship but it's also but super individual and unique everyone's unique some people have lower libidos. It doesn't have anything to do with you. Yeah. So there's no reason to personalize it. Sometimes it does, but generally you get a sense of when that's the case.

Plus, squirting off is a lifesaver. I'm sorry? Squirting off is a lifesaver. By yourself and your alone. Oh, oh, oh. By your alone. Squirting off is a lifesaver. Definitely don't say squirting off. Okay, but I'm justirting off is a lifesaver definitely don't say squirting off

okay but I'm just saying it's a lifesaver actually in any context but certainly that one okay okay remember that fucking can this soda squirt of course

it's bad oh it's really bad and moving on uh uh oh dude you like squirt what I don't really drink any sodas but

yeah I don't either it's good remember cactus cooler worst there is nothing worse people used to actually there was a like a urban legend that they had wood chips yep remember that yep I do remember that so dumb but it's good. Remember Cactus Cooler? Worst. There is nothing worse. People used to actually, there was like an urban legend that they had wood chips in there.

Yep. Remember that? Yep, I do remember that. So dumb. That's how Groot became. Hold on. Yeah, Cactus Cooler wood chips. At least in Locking Out there was.

I'm sure it's going to show up something. Butthead, the way you just said Locking Out. You guys don't like Cactus Cooler? No, no, but you do. 100%. Because you like really bad stuff. I haven't had one in years. But you loved it, right? When I was a kid, yeah.

There you go, dude. I honestly don't think I ever... Come from the guy who likes Terrifier. Oh, look, I'm sure that's it. Why you should never drink Cactus Cooler. Because it's out of wood chips. Go ahead. Okay, no, no, no.

The worst, the worst. Thank you. I would never hear something like that. That was an emergency for me. I needed that to be off. The worst. Thank you. I would never hear something like that. That was an emergency for me. I needed that to be off. So bad. Anyway, dude, cactus cooler is terrible. The only thing cool about cactus cooler is the design of the can.

Yeah, it is. And it's so bad. And one time I saw a guy drinking a cactus cooler in high school when I was in high school. And he hawked a loogie in his cactus cooler because he was done with it like he had a little bit left but he was done with it and some guy said uh hey what's up to him and he goes hey man here you want the rest of my cactus cooler and he took it and drank it and walked away and drank it and i felt so bad and i saw that happen i don't like that i don't like it either and i know the two guys who did it and i still know the two guys who did it and i

should tell him hey look at that i'm a snitch. Hey, look at that great can. That's the best can, dude. It's different now. It is different. And what's weird is that they updated it and it's still good. That is true. Usually when they update a can, it's terrible. That's the new one?

Yeah. Oh, that's bad. Yeah. No, they made it worse. That's terrible. They made it worse. That one is the best. The OG Cactus Cooler?

Oh, wee. My favorite cans are the old... Look at that old one. That's nice. The old oh wait my favorite cans are the old look at that old one that's nice the old mr pibb or the old rc cola those are my two favorites rc cola is cool rc cola is no no don't do that you know what rc cola is it's dude one time i was hanging out with a chick look at that mr pibb can't come on now but the new ones are ruined just like the just like every other thing look at now look at the new ones those are so dope then look at how ugly that is yeah that's terrible like calm that's terrible oh extra you know pib extra he's not even a person in here pib dude dropped it off he's like diddy now dude i um i i was hanging out with a chick once and she was really beautiful

sorry is that dr pepper you know i'm trying to say syrup it's obviously on the upper left dr pepper desert dessert topping disgusting no that's real oh my god ew i'm sorry i interrupted you but that is disgusting yeah but you could have held it but till till i was dr pepper cherry dude if you do that if you use that you're absolutely disgusting okay go ahead so hanging out with a chick. It was beautiful. This was years ago. Really beautiful. And she said something. She goes, yeah, man, it was fucking sick. And I go, and I was like, oh, that's the worst thing to do.

You should have introduced her to me. I got the ick, dude. We would have had it. It was fucking sick. And I got the ick. We were on the couch together, and she goes, yeah, it was fucking sick. And I go, and my penis the couch together And she goes Yeah that was fucking sick And I go And my penis goes You know what's the

The way to do it though What When you're gonna do that It's good to say it anyway But it's best to say it When you go like this Let's fucking I mean imagine she did that

On the couch Yeah Then she would've Yeah exactly And dude And it was She was so hot And

Dude and yeah then she would have said yeah exactly and dude and it was she was so hot and dude and eddie murphy and boomerang who what what you're doing why because like that's not a reason to to not be interested in someone anymore was that a boomerang thing yeah and boomerang he was like the the biggest like player in washington dc and the very beginning of the movie he's like with this extremely ludicrously beautiful woman. Yeah. And he pulls the sheets up, or she does. Yeah. And it reveals that she has like corn all over her feet.

Okay. And he's just like, he's just like, you know, like Eddie Murphy, you know? Isn't Boomerang the movie with, oh, that's where he plays two people? I actually don't know. I only saw the movie. Because Boomerang's the one where he was like,

where he's like a dorky with braces, right? No, that's Bowfinger. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Bowfinger's hilarious. That's right. Okay. So, yeah. So, wait.

So, also that lady who did that, the thing that says sick, she was so strong, I remember. That's fucking sick. Was it a guy? But she was so strong, I remember. Was his name Peter? Yeah, her name was Peter, and she played for the A's. Yeah, I think that was a guy. All right, next one.

Matt and Chris, love you guys, love what you do. My question is about baby mamas. My daughter's mom lives in Massachusetts. We've had a mostly peaceful relationship over the last five years. That's good. I met someone last year and ever since then it's been negativity and putting thoughts into my daughter's head about a replacement

mommy. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's tough. Honestly, I'm getting tired and dizzy from all the spin moves. Just give me some advice, man. Chris, come to South Florida. I'd love to see you. Love you guys. Later. I'll be there. You will?

I'm working on trying to get to Fort Lauderdale. Got it. One of my favorite places to perform. I don't even know what to say to this guy. I can only give really vague generic advice. That's rough, bro. I guess the only thing you can do is

sometimes with people that do shit like that, it's like even trying to broach the subject with them makes it worse because then they bro i guess the only thing you can do is sometimes with people that do shit like that it's like you even trying to broach the subject with them makes it worse because then they know you're now you're noticing it and it's getting under your skin and like their only remaining way to be present in your mind is to at least be under your skin and that's a really bad place to be with someone uh so i would suggest if that's the kind of person you be with someone. So I would suggest, if that's the kind of person you're dealing with,

you might have to just honestly just talk to your daughter and not even acknowledge it. Because he says he's tried stuff before. And if it's not happening, I don't know how old your daughter is. Over five. That's what he said? Well, he said that he's been not with the mom for five years. That would be so weird if he said, know my daughter she's over five uh uh yeah i don't know though like i

don't know anything about your ex-wife and or your daughter for that matter but i i feel like that sounds like the kind of person that might take the the just the fact that you're noticing and getting upset that might make her take it up a notch yeah when you dicey this dicey when you yeah when you react to somebody then it means that they got what they wanted sometimes so i don't know man i i just um this is a tough thing man this is why it's hard right this is why this kind of shit's hard is like when you know divorce and all that stuff or baby mama i don't know you weren't married but um i guess you should you know yeah maybe have a a delicate conversation with your daughter though because like of course

like the worst thing to do and this is the worst and and this is the worst and no matter what happens with you and your love and your baby dad, whatever it is, never fucking talk shit about the other person to your child. That's horrible. That's the worst. That's the worst thing you can do to the child. So, you know, you can't control what she says, but you can't control what you say. And so just don't do that. But you can have a very delicate conversation with your daughter, I think.

But I just, you know, it's a rough a rough thing dude i'm sorry you're going through it just talk to your daughter about like this is not a replacement mommy situation this is a totally separate thing you'll never have a different relationship with your mom and i would never want you to anyway but that's what the mom is saying she's having a problem with like i don't want this to be a replacement mom right no i what, what I gather, I don't know. But what I gathered was when the mom is with the daughter, she's like talking about how her daddy wants a replacement mom and he's trying to do that. Yes, then you have to have the conversation with your daughter.

Yeah. Got it. Yeah. That's rough, bro. Jesus, man. That's sad, yeah. Sucks for your daughter so much. I know.

Okay. Okay. From New Jersey. Hey, guys. My name's Jordan. man that's sad yeah sucks for your daughter so much i know uh okay uh okay from new jersey my name is jordan i am a photographer a novice photographer just been the last couple months i'm really loving it taking pictures cool and uh the only thing i have a little trouble with is people because people make the best subjects. And sometimes somebody has a really unique look and I want to ask them to take their picture for my portfolio and just experience. But I'm a little hesitant because I think it can probably come off as creepy. Like if I just total stranger go up to somebody and ask to take their picture that face um especially with that so i'm just wondering if you guys have any advice on ways to ask total strangers if i can take their picture in the least creepy way possible by the way my stuff is on instagram jofo underscore hollywood, let's check it out. J-O-F-O underscore Hollywood.

All right, let's check it out. It's all my photos. Thanks, guys. You're the best. Never once until now has someone plugged themselves. Yeah, that's actually crazy. Yeah, yeah. And when you call in, don't do that.

But we'll look at his. Yeah, exactly. But so he is a photographer. This is what you do. I'm going to judge yourself right now, though, bro. Okay, tell them what to do first. This is what you do. I'm going to judge your stuff right now, though, bro. Okay, tell them what to do first. This is what you do. You walk up to the people with your Instagram

and you say, this is my stuff. I'm a photographer. Or just pictures you've taken. This is the stuff I do. I'd love to shoot you. Oh, that's a good idea. So this way, it doesn't seem creepy. It's, you know.

I also think, well, he treats the hell out of them, dude. I mean, same thing twice. Same thing three times so i mean those are definitely wild damn uh so grainy what i would say also to grainy that's great but to be clear to be like if you want yeah a little bit more to say you could say like before you say anything you could be like look obviously feel free to say no but right

yeah that's good go to some of them feel free to say no but like it's not grainy it's pixelated it's also grainy it's not grainy

grainy is a film thing grainy I mean it's a grain effect it's a novice a game boy dude go back a game boy took a picture with a game boy it's a novice wait that looks boy dude go back a game boy took a picture with a game boy so novice

wait that looks so much like a game boy it is it's the best it's the phone case oh wow an old guy over here dude okay wow yeah i'm such an old guy wow that's of nothing so look keep going uh that's cute see that's the best picture you took yeah and it's the people just like you said yep there you gotta take pictures of people's faces. Yeah, just walk up to them. Show them this. Don't show them that one. Show them this.

And just be like, look, I take pictures. This is the stuff I do. Can I shoot you? Yeah. That's it. I think that's the least creepy thing. That's a good picture. That is a good picture.

I do think that with the grainy stuff, it is a little bit creepy. If you show them, show them the less grainy stuff. Show them stuff with... There we go. There we go. Someone's face in it. There we go. Yeah. There we go. we go someone's face in it there we go yeah there we go not that one your face counts i guess but no that's a selfie that's a that is that is indeed a selfie yeah yeah dude well we look you

got something there you go there you go show them that one everybody wants to look cool that person looks cool that's a good one that's a good one too that's cool dude that's great honestly the ones with the people are the ones that are good. Of course. So show them. He says he knows that. No, I know. Right. I know that.

So show them that and walk around with pictures and be like, this is the stuff I want to see. Yeah. This is the stuff I want to do. Do you mind if I shoot your picture? And if they say yes, great. Do it. I think you'd make a great subject, be complimentary of them without being like a weirdo person. And yeah. And then if they say no, scream out your loss and run away and yeah something like that i think it's great good job yeah keep going running with

all his gear and he's a game boy um i think yeah that's cool i'm glad you're having a good time doing that man people need to find you know you don't need to find your passion you don't like we talked about this a long time ago i think maybe you said it on the solo episode you were talking about you don't need a passion oh yeah which i agree um because i watched this episode because i'm a good person i'm a good brother um but uh yeah you don't need to find your passion but if you did that's great and right now it's a hobby and that's cool but you know you never know when a hobby turns out to be an actual thing you build your portfolio and that's it it's on and popping dude do exactly what i said do exactly what i said about the thing

and that would be good for you. One last thing about you, Jordan. I think that there was something early on in what you were saying that I really appreciate and I think more people should take note of this.

He said, I'm a photographer without caveat. Then he continued to explain more but it wasn't a caveat. It was just more of a description. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said, I'm a novice photographer because he just started. That is a good attitude. Yeah, it is a good attitude. He wants to be a photographer, and the only way to be a photographer at the beginning is to say you are one and take pictures. It's affirming, yeah. Affirming. You have to just believe.

It's like all the time in LA, I hear people that are like, I'm trying to be a writer. I've got a few. It's like, no, no. Don la i hear people that are like you know i'm trying to be a writer i've got like a few it's like no no you are a writer or a writer you know uh you don't have to get paid a hundred grand per script to be actually called a writer that's like a bullshit bar you made up yep you know that's why i that's why i walk around say i'm a singer i i sing all the time and it doesn't matter i don't get paid for it in a way i do because i sing almost every podcast uh I put a sign up right in the front window, advertise right in the front window and all of a sudden

success comes out of the blue. Wow, wow. Terrible. There we go. So our, be on the cutting edge, on the precipice of us releasing Lifeline Luxury.

Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. We drop June 4th. Two episodes a month or over 30 minutes. At least two episodes a month. I am on tour. ChrisDelia.com. If you have a question, go to WatchTheLifeline.com or call

213-973-8095. You want one-on-one advice with your boy? That would be me. Go to MattDelia.com and get the help you need. And lifelinemerch.com is where all the hot merch is.

You get that purple, purple, purple, purple. Yeah. And also leave a comment, dude. That really helps us. Leave a comment for the algorithm. Share it with your friends. Try to get people involved in the show. We love you, man.

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