Lifeline - 6. Neil Depressed Tyson

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

🎧 Subscribe on iTunes: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline In this week's episode, we discuss meeting people in a new city, various career predicaments, taming your weed habits, and what to do with people who are weird about holding a door open. 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only. If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or licensed professional. You keep saying let's start and then we're not starting but did you mean it this time yeah oh okay so and like uh it's okay everything's good but you you look good today oh you say like i don't actually usually no i i um you know it's never a competition but you look better than me today and it's fine well why are you wearing your sunglasses we talked about this and how i don't like it well yeah but my my eyes are- Oh, because you look bad? Sometimes make me seem like I'm ugly.

That just means you're ugly. No, no, no. If you're a person that says my eyes make me seem like I'm ugly, you're ugly. You know what's cool about it is my eyebrows are above my sunglasses. I didn't realize that.

A lot of people's eyebrows go behind their sunglasses, but when you have eyebrows that go above your sunglasses, you get all sorts of extra cool points, I think. Like Jack Nicholson. He's always like that.

I was going to say, Jack Nicholson is the one that I think of. Yeah. There you go. What do you mean extra points? I am like him. What do you mean extra points? Extra points. Extra cool points.

Who gives them? Where do you keep them? What do you use them for? They're not tangible, dude. Okay. I came to here right now and there's a fucking silver dollar right here. 50 cent. Because your eyebrows are above your sunglasses.

You know what I don't like is when fucking guys talk about 50 cent, the rapper, and they say 50 cent. Why do they do that? Why do white guys with fucking button downs do that? I don't know, because they think it's fucking funny, I guess.

No, I think sometimes they think that that's what it is. It's mildly racist. If they think it's what it is, then yeah, it is actually. You guys like 50 cent mildly racist if they think it's what it is then yeah it is actually you guys like 50 cent i'm a 50 cent i like 50 cent you know those guys that like barbecues with open toe fucking sandals they all always have uh button down shirts yeah that are blue a shade of blue yeah one shade of blue or another yeah no matter what yeah i know yeah oh you already knew yeah forgive me for fucking saying they get pink when they drink

yeah definitely they get like lobstery yeah yeah yeah for sure. Oh, then forgive me for fucking saying anything. And they get pink when they drink. Yeah, definitely. They get like lobster-y? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Fuck yeah. It's because they're probably already a little sunburned from like- Yeah, from being out on a boat. A shitty vacation they're on. Oh, dude.

And they got that fucking stale beer stink, you know? We went to high school with so many of those guys. I know. That's why I know about the 50 cent thing, because they say 50 cent. Oh, okay. But their dads say it mostly, too. Their dads say it? Well, not anymore.

A lot of them are dead and some of them are 75 but downer well the whole thing is a downer dude 50 cent you know that's a downer for sure that's like calling snoop dog snooty dog for no reason it's not his name it's not his name yeah it's not or tupac tupac oh well you know about the fucking my story about that right no well yeah what is it i was at the remember the warehouse the fucking oh my god yeah okay so i was at uh the the cd store the warehouse it's like sam goody back in the day well sam goody's back in the day isn't it you're saying another thing it was like sam goody both of them were back in the yes yes yes okay uh but obviously they're both closed up not because who the fuck gets CDs anyway I was in the

aisle that I was always in back then the hip hop rap aisle looking for new shit and some little kid like when I say little I mean like six maybe is running up and down the aisles and all eyes on me was on display and he's like mommy mommy

mommy I want this one I want this one I want this one and his mom comes over and she looks at it and it's a little bit more expensive than the other ones because it's it's yeah it's it's a double disc or whatever and she and and and she looks at it and she says oh no honey we can't get that one that's a two-pack yes i remember that because they said tupac yes yes i remember it and what a fucking idiot she was that's yeah it's not when you say like do you remember that well you remember the tupac story you can't that's not like the tupac story i didn't say that did i you said remember that what happened with me with the tupac story i said cd story yes i don't think you did that was a yes because we weren't talking about cds we're talking

about when we listen to the episode when it fucking airs. We'll see who's right. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Fine. We can go back in time and look at it too. But it's all good. And I think I look actually okay. You look good.

Okay. Well, I get insecure. You look funky. I talked about that on my podcast. Actually, let me talk about dates before we'd even do that. Oops. I have to. Well, my dad about dad said, you look funky.

Yeah. That's what I was referencing. Because we were in Italy and we were going to dinner and we met a reservation and the mattress up and I dressed up. And when he walked through his hotel door, he was like, oh, Matt, you look great. And then I walked through and he said, oh, Chris, you look funky. And we were like, oh, wow, hates it. So clear.

He just didn't like what you were wearing. Absolutely hated it. And on the spot wanted to say something not mean. I actually remember what I was wearing. It was funky and not good no it wasn't it was a long sleeved v-neck um that sounds terrible but it wasn't though but it was okay but it was you're gonna say it was like it was like green it was like not it was like kind of bright green it wasn't neon green but it was bright green okay uh and then i had rose tinted glasses so i guess i looked a little funky yeah but i feel like i looked good but he was like, Chris, you look funky.

And I never forgot it. So that's cool how it makes me feel bad. So he fucked up your life. Yeah, well, isn't that what parents do? Yes. Isn't that what parents do? Yeah. So I'm going to be in Atlanta on September 9th.

Oops. Washington, D.C., September 10th. Stockton, Oakland, Peoria, Rockford, Raleigh october 21st denver colorado november 5th boston and cheyenne boston november 12th cheyenne wyoming and then jacksonville florida december 3rd crystalia.com go get tickets and more um so yeah tickets are out there now and uh i appreciate you guys uh coming and seeing me. We're starting in September. I did a Phoenix date. You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean, but you shouldn't have said, do you know what I mean? Because it was insanely not complex. 50 cent. Okay. I did a Phoenix date. Tourette's. All right. So let's do it.

You want to do the first one? First advices? Yeah. I'm going to get my hood on for that. Yeah. You don't need a hood for that. But I want to. Okay. Let's go. want to okay let's go what's up chris what's up matt my name is brett and first of all thank you guys so much for doing this podcast i know everybody's been thanking you but nobody can

really thank you enough so thank you for doing this uh i have two questions for you guys actually if you want to stop after the first i can't't do anything about that. It's free conch. But my first one is in a few weeks after I graduate, I'm moving down to Atlanta. I got my dream job. I seriously can't wait to start. I'm so excited. But the problem is I know nobody in the entire state of Georgia. So I guess what I'm asking you guys is what are some tips or advice you have for me to organically meet people who aren't fucking weirdos, really. Also, side note, Chris, coming to see you September 9th in Atlanta.

Can't wait. There you go. And my second question is, the Church of K was Matt's first episode on. Congratulations. Do you guys still use K to help you? Because I've gotten my entire family and friend group to use the term K whenever somebody says something. so let me know love you both thanks so much let's get one of those spinny hats on with the fan he's like

look at the propeller he's a wise person yeah he's just floating a little bit yeah um i invented k okay so of course i still say it yeah have you backed off a little bit though on it uh yeah you know i backed off i back we grow you know what i mean only with people who think it's some kind of insult which bothers me to no end that's not like oh you oh you caved me as if it's like an affront to them oh no and i try to tell people it's fucking for me yeah fuck you and then i am insulting them so it makes the whole thing fucking point oh right yeah sometimes i'll do it under my breath. It really is just for me. Under my breath.

Yeah. All right. People don't hear it. I hear you do it. I hear you do it sometimes. I do hear you throw out a little bit of a kick. Sometimes I go, okay. So you do still use it.

I don't really use it that much. Yeah, you never did. It wasn't really doing karate. It was never really. I'll just go. I'll do that more. Yeah, right. But you'll do it quiet under your breath sometimes too.

I'll hear you doing it. Yeah. Yeah. You think I do a ki-ai, like a ki like a karate ki what the fuck is a ki that we should just do that what's that one ki that's what it's called ki really yeah ki yeah that's what it's called okay it might be a japanese word anyway the first question was how do you uh meet people you got to do it organically otherwise you're going to meet crazy people look everybody's crazy anyway but fan out dude i think we should go back to the old ways like fuck the internet fuck hinge fuck whatever it is you know what i mean the the

the instagram and the online shits dude and go way back go way back into like make flyers like make flyer get a headshot do a bow and say, m'lady. Yeah. Stick out your hand. M'lady, would you like to be a friend? No. No, no, no.

Fan out. Get headshots, small cards, like you're a model and go, you know what I mean? Nice guy here. Get your friend.

Friendship for sale. But no, you know, don't sell it. But like, get your friend here. Fresh face in the area. You will meet the fucking worst people that way.

Why would you do that? You'd meet me. I'd come right up to you and be like, oh, you want to be friends? No, you would not. Although you do make the weirdest fucking friends. I know. In the history of the fucking world. Get your friend here.

No, dude. That's a terrible idea. But what you should do. Free friend. Okay. No, dude. That's a terrible idea. But what you should do- Free friend.

Okay. Is you just- Something that is actually a forgotten, a lost art, even though I hate when people say that, is making friends in real life. I've talked to people in LA who are like, I don't know, you can't even approach guy friends who are like, I can't even approach a woman in real life. It's too forward. It's creepy.

And you're like really that's the rules now i didn't fucking realize that but i think for most people certainly outside of la i'm assuming in atlanta as well it's like a refreshing thing when people come up and talk to you and just sort of like get to know you not like a fucking weirdo yeah like what's your favorite color you know that's pretty cool but like if you see a kind of person that you want to know yeah just fucking say something that gets you in there you know yeah and sometimes i'll be like because i don't want to meet someone new but whatever fuck them you're never going to see him again friend you're talking about uh friendship straight up like yes like not

even like dating yeah i mean both yeah that too. Both, yeah. Yeah. It's tough to meet people organically. No one has friends anymore. That's true. If no one has friends anymore, that means everyone wants friends. So that means everybody's ready to make friends. So if you're the fucking person that is going to have the balls to go do it,

then that's good. Just go fucking do it. He seems like he's got the courage. Do people want to make friends still, you think? Well, no. What I know is they don't have them. They should want to make friends still, you think? Well, no. What I know is they don't have them. They should want to make them, but I don't know if they do, but they should. Because we need people.

People need people. People need people. That's what he's saying. I wonder where he's coming from. But you know what? Also, don't push it. You know what I'm talking about? It'll happen.

He's a fucking nice dude. He's a regular guy, seems like, in a good way. He'll be in Atlanta. Atlanta's great, dude. Atlanta's really great. Atlanta people are fucking nice. People in the South are nice as shit. You know?

Is that right? Yeah, dude. Go to the mall in Atlanta. Go to the mall. You will see the brightest colors and the biggest asses. Oh. And so many, so many dudes that laugh like this. Like in Atlanta, it's insane, dude.

So many hats, not just with a regular brim like this but hats that go like dude when you go to atlanta it's pretty much the kentucky derby oh just non-stop yeah it's just non-stop you'll be in an elevator and you'll be like is there a horse race in here yeah it's unreal dude shortest horse race ever just in there face ever. If you're in an elevator with all people with hats on, you got to be like, yeah. Dude, I mean, it's absolutely insane. Atlanta is insane, dude. I've only been to Atlanta twice very briefly both times. Really?

So I can't speak to Atlanta. Why? Because you only went for how long? Well, I went for a wedding both times. I was there for like three days tops both times. Oh, yeah. Weddings. It doesn't count if you've been somewhere for a wedding because you've got to focus

on the couple and shit. They're being so rude about it. So I hated it. I hated the experience. I can't say I hated Atlanta because I wasn't really there. So I'm saying, yeah, over what I'm saying because I haven't said it yet. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. You're doing it. Okay. All right. Well, let's do another one. We gave him good advice. Yeah.

What about the workplace? I mean. Yeah. Well, we don't know what he's doing. Depends on what he does. I mean, you're going to. Okay. All right, well, let's do another one. We gave him good advice. Yeah. What about the workplace? I mean... Yeah, well, we don't know what he's doing. Depends on what he does, right? I mean, you're going to make friends in the workplace. That's the most natural place. If you don't make friends in the workplace, you're a huge loser.

Like, if you don't make friends... Like, people who leave work and don't have friends there, you're a huge loser. You're a huge loser. Yeah, unless you're like a fucking Postmates guy, then it's creepy. If he's going to do Postmates, he moved to Atlanta to do Postmates, and then and then he's like hey your order's on the way

and then they drop it off and the guy opens the door and he's just like what's your favorite color like you're one time i had a postmate actually try to make friends with me at my door yeah and he was like asking me about where i live and he like could see past me a little bit he's like oh what's it like in there are these kinds of places nice yeah that's crazy should we turn the air down yeah um dude i had a postmates guy once show up drop the food off and then one time weeks later uh all of a sudden there was a headshot of the postmates guy on my kitchen island table oh yeah you remember that yeah yeah dude how did he get in how to get in there that's no good kristen didn't know how it got there it was so weird i hope that it was just like right somebody that came in that was like oh yeah you had this at your door but i still don't know what the fucking had to do with it the

problem is is that they never they will never not know where you live henceforth i know so like there's a weird i know thing like i don't want to leave uh too much of a shitty review because what if it turns into like the cable guy i know taxi driver kind of situation you know yeah balancing these people is very very hard you know what i mean yeah because there are people out there that are crazy and it's just hard to balance these people you know yeah yeah um so yeah i don't know but it's workplaces if you you gotta make friends in workplace that's probably the number one place at least in the beginning if you're moving for work great make friends you know be super nice he's nice wear my merch connect on people you know what i mean oh you you also know are you gonna go see him in atlanta september 9th i mean so fucking self-centered but you can

though yeah but just simply can yeah it's counting you to recommend the way to meet people is to bring you up well or let's go travel to dc this september 10th yeah yeah i'll be there all right so anyway plugging yourself so fucking hard. Do another one, yeah? Hey, Matt and Chris. My name is Cody. I live in Massachusetts, and I'm calling with some career questions. So I've been working as an engineer for five years now, and I think like a lot of people my age, I don't necessarily love what I do.

There are definitely some hobbies I partake in that I think would make a better fulfilling career for me. But when having a full-time job and stable income, you create all these excuses for yourself, all these roadblocks that stop you from really going for something you might love because it might affect your life. So the advice I'm looking for is how can you get over limits you put on yourself? How can you really just go for something that you love and not worry about the outcome not be scared of the outcome not strive for perfection right away um let me know what you guys think thanks uh i have i have the best advice a boxing robe what was that yeah he's getting out of his car to do a prize fight anyway ding ding anyway thanks a lot

lifeline ding ding ding in this corner. Guy from a Subaru. No, I have really good advice for this, and I haven't been able to use this advice yet, but it's good advice for a lot of scenarios. And the advice is you're going to fucking die. What? You're going to die? Not advice.

So not advice. So not advice. What should I do? You're going to die. How much for the advice? You're going to die, and you're going to die gonna die pretty fucking soon i mean according to the whole world but also life's really long blip of a blip of a blip of a blip you are nothing you are utterly insignificant if you don't do the shit you want to be doing now you don't what neil de kress tyson dude that's so fucking you are nothing you are you will die

you billions and billions of blips and you're one of them and you suck and you will die yeah yeah so so so so so so sad no it's not dude it's the most freeing shit ever it frees you oh it's freeing it frees you up to be like well what the fuck am i gonna what i'm gonna be like embarrassed about not being perfect or the thing i want to do so bad i'm gonna like my friends are gonna think i'm stupid who the fuck cares they're gonna die too yeah also you sent a video in here dude that's embarrassing it's more embarrassing than fucking not doing what you want to do in your life be scared dude that fear makes you real do you understand what i'm saying oh my god you want to do in your life be scared dude that fear makes you real do you understand what i'm saying oh my god you rose to that level yeah dude nowhere no i did but i found

it within me so if i found it within me he could find it within him right okay dude the guy's the kind of guy who wears a boxing robe in a subaru he was wearing a boxing go out and do your fucking thang baby yeah listen to fucking luke bryant that song i'm doing my thing i'm just doing my thang yeah it's general it's really general because it needs to be general because it needs to hit a lot of people because luke bryant is on the level on that wavelength and get on it dude who's that luke bryant yeah he's a country singer he's the biggest country singer okay yeah don't know i mean he's the biggest country he has a song that says, just doing my thing. Yeah. General. But also, dude.

Yeah. It's for guys like you, dude. You're going to fucking die. And do you want to die having not done the shit you want to do? Or do you want to die having done the shit you want to do? It's going to be a blip no matter what. Make it a fucking fun blip. Make it a fun blip.

Neil Depress Tyson. Make it a fun blip. Neil depressed Tyson. Make it a fun blip. The worst fucking captain in a submarine. Make it a fun blip. Thank you. Okay, cool. Make it a fun blip. I think you got it, dude.

Fear means you're real. Fear is a gift. Fear is a gift. Fear is something that you can use to propel yourself into the abyss of the unknown. Okay? The abyss of the unknown is a gift. Okay. Okay. Get out there and swim in it.

Okay. And find your way. Finding your way is a gift. Oh, wow. Okay? You've got three gifts. So many gifts. It's Christmas.

Santa. You've got three gifts for you. Await Santa. You've got three gifts for you. A waiting. Do you want those gifts? Wow. Or are you a bitch in a boxing robe in a Subaru? Okay. You're welcome.

I gave you a gift. That's your first gift. You gave him three gifts. Well, I gave him one, and now he's got three waiting. You want to unwrap them? Okay. That's on you. If you don't, sit in that subaru baby

make it a fun blip you're gonna die anyway all right there we go all right what's next she got the shirt so what do you guys think about when for example somebody opens a door for you and you say thank you yeah and they don't say anything back and like not not just they don't say anything back but they don't even give you a head nod or like make eye contact with you to acknowledge that you've just said thank you like that shit makes me yeah brm oh we know and i have to try so hard not to get an attitude about it but then other times i'm like okay maybe i need to just chill out like they're doing me the favor whatever no big deal and other times i'm like fuck that how hard is it to just say you're welcome or anything like why are you

being fucking rude anyways just want to see what you guys think about it dude it's okay i got one further though you people you open the door she says you open the purse the door people open the door for you that's nice yes then you say thank you some people would be like that's the end of the exchange they would be like you open the door for me i reciprocated that's our that's the end here okay but i've got one further dude i know what you're gonna say yeah sometimes you open the door for people they just walk right through like they're the fucking king of starbucks yeah nothing dude nothing makes me more fucking furious in terms of like a an everyday scenario it's awful all you gotta do all you gotta do is just look at me nod smile

say thanks do fucking anything to acknowledge what I just fucking did. It's not like I did something great, but like, how miserable are you, you motherfucker? It's easier to just say thanks than to swallow it and be like, fuck this guy. You have hate in your heart. Get rid of it, dude. Be free.

You know, I've lived in my life. I've had hate in my heart. You got to let it go, dude. You got to just say thank you. They're doing something nice. If you don't, that's on you. That shit turns into cancer that festers and then one day and it becomes chest cancer whatever it is dude ball cancer brain cancer and aneurysm i think though for the for her i think the advice is yeah it's about not going forward with your day in fury right and

i think the key to that is to recognize that is a miserable fuck and they're doomed no matter what yeah right i mean it goes both ways if you open the door for someone and they don't even acknowledge it that is a miserable fuck yeah they're having a bad blip they're not going to have a fun blip they're going to have a bad fucking blip yeah and that's that that is already enough to to know to go forward with your day to know, well, that person's fucked anyway. Hey, just stop them. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Yeah. What's going on in your life, man? What's going on here? What's going on here? What's going on here? Imagine if you did that.

Imagine if you did when someone moved. You say, open the door. They said thank you. You said thank you, and they don't say anything. And you go, whoa, whoa, you oh what's going on here yeah but you slide in front of them yeah yeah whoa yeah was it the end of the exchange yeah yeah that person would be so weirded out yeah but do that and then also this is a great thing where you can implement a spin move and moonwalk out but i'm just saying knew that was coming at some point. Yeah, you could.

Yeah, I've done that multiple times. A lot of times I say, a lot of times I go, oh, okay. That's what I do. Yeah. I say, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Falling, but yeah. Oh.

Yeah, busting too early, but yeah. First guy who busts in the orgy. All right. Yeah, I think that that's on the other person. But yeah, it is important to go forward with your day not being so full of rage though. Yeah, you got to live with people. You got to let it go.

And people are in the world and they're going to make you feel a certain way and you got to just let it go. It's really fucking hard. Trust me, I get it. I get it. Yeah, yeah. We're on your side though.

Fuck them though. Okay, well. Hey guys, my name is Lucas. I'm in Seattle, Washington. So handsome. Big fan, new show. Love what you guys are doing. So I have a younger brother.

He's always had this mentality that the world is against him. But he's still a go-getter. Don't get me wrong, but only to the extent to where he feels comfortable. If he makes a big move, he has to know somebody there for him to actually commit to something. You know, it's always kind of been a drawback for him. I was born and raised in Mississippi. Always hated it out there. I worked hard to get where I'm at in this world.

I'm happy I'm trying to live life to the fullest because life does, in fact, rip, right? Yeah, it does. My brother calls me all the time. He complains like he hates his job. He hates where he's from. But he just won't do anything about it. I keep telling him he just needs to take the

plunge and just leave and go somewhere but like i said he's really uncomfortable just leaving what he knows any advice to kind of give him the extra motivation to just take the leap and just grab life by the balls again love the show guys um any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you i know what to tell him okay i know what to tell him next time he calls and complains i hate my job i hate where i live tell him you're gonna fucking die okay this is gonna die and you're gonna fucking die and it's gonna be a miserable because you lived a miserable life in a miserable place with a miserable job get the fuck out of there you're gonna die yeah but also if you say that too much then the guy's gonna think yeah you're right you're gonna die fuck it i might as well just stay here

no this guy needs to be scared is my point you gotta scare this guy out of complacency and so you gotta shake him up even more aggressively you're gonna fucking die okay it's yeah a bit much i think that maybe just the realization of you're just going to be stuck in the same place because also go back to you're just a blip and if he's just a blip then what's it matter what he does right so you got to ride that line of look dude this is your life make the most of it. Come out. Why don't you invite him to Seattle? He lives in Mississippi, right? Is that what he said? He said he's from there. I don't know if his brother's still there.

His brother lives somewhere he doesn't want to when he wants to move. But yeah, dude, the truth is he is going to die. It is scared to move. And here's the other thing too. As a brother, you can be like, look, I don't want to hear about this shit. I made my move. I'm happier now. You don't like where you are. As a brother, I don't want to be about this shit i made my move i'm happier now you don't like where you are as a brother i don't want to be hearing about this shit anymore now you have a bit of a little bit of a bad brother if that's what you do because you could be an earpiece for the guy but also that could be what he needs i mean dude this guy could be literally addicted to his life he could be addicted to where he lives he could be addicted to that fucking small town in mississippi wherever he is that he doesn't like.

And if he is, then he needs to hit fucking rock bottom and have his brother be like, look, dude, you're complaining too much. This is bullshit. Listen to you. You got to leave. I'm out of this fucking bullshit complaining relationship. You make me miserable. You're affecting other people.

I live my life in Seattle. It's beautiful. It's bright. It's sunny. It's not. It rains all the time. You know affecting other people. I live my life in Seattle. It's beautiful. It's bright. It's sunny. It's not. It rains all the time. No, it's not at all, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, move. Yeah, yeah. Get your life on track, baby. Yeah, yeah. Sell coke. Okay, well, no. I mean, just do something different. The thing about the blip is that it may be depressing, but you're fucking lucky.

It's the least likely shit ever, dude. So make the fucking most of it. It's not about your insignificance. Yeah. likely shit ever dude so make the fucking most of it it's not about your insignificance yeah it's about you're lucky as fuck to get this minor blip because most of everything is pure fucking darkness right so get the fuck out of that shitty ass fucking job do something else that is true it's not like to work hard and make it you'll be a success that's not necessarily fucking true yeah but you don't want to fucking sit away and wither away somewhere man you can't do that shit i agree with that stop letting him complain to you fuck that enough is enough if he does it that much it's not helping him anymore it's it's just like a it's just like a fucking

shoulder to cry on that doesn't help i'd like to know how long it's been because it's tough it's it's tough dude it's a tough love is is like a thing in theory that makes sense it's not like you stop talking i know yeah right okay you still talk to him but like i don't want to hear this shit anymore yeah yeah either try to fucking change it or i don't want to hear it anymore because what am i going to do i'm just going to listen fuck that i gave you my advice now either take it or don't but stop fucking complaining yeah but is there a tender way to say that stop complaining i don't think you need to be tender really it's his brother yeah but he obviously cares about him it's not a matter of that i guess so yeah you don't have to always be fucking tender

he'll get it he'll if he explains it with his words he can't just be like stop complaining that would be good you know oh look fucking johnny depressed fucking head is calling again johnny depressed fucking head johnny depressed head um yeah i don't know it's fucking sad man that made me this reminds me of people who seek your advice constantly and never fucking take it that's what it fucking sounds like yeah this guy's bitching and moaning about his job about his life about his whatever the fuck and he never fucking changes it it's the same fucking thing yeah you on the other end of it you can change at least the fact that you're his like shoulder to crying when he's not going to do shit about it

anyway right it can light a fire under someone's ass and so i'm right you're gonna fucking die tell him next time he calls pick up just say that first true but is it is the guy actually asking him for advice or is he just trying to motivate his brother unsolicited yeah he's asking us what he can do yeah to help his brother but he's not saying that his brother is always calling him asking him for advice and then no but i still think he should say stop fucking calling me i'm fucking complaining yeah that you're saying that's your advice yeah i'm saying is he is the brother even complaining yes that's what he says yes yes i mean guy fucking has the videos on his fucking computer and looks at him and screens him and then plays him again here has no idea what the fucking video is about he's trying to sabotage us yeah so i'm sorry what so what's this video about you fucking

put it on the goddamn timeline i i see a lot and i get them mixed up he's wow he's so drunk right now um i see a lot earnestly, and I get mixed up, man. I wasn't sure if he's raised from. All right, dude. Next one. Well, my question has to do with tattoos. I've got a couple, and this is the only one that people ever make comments about. Well, because you're-

I understand why. Yeah. Maybe for good reason. I don't really think so. I just love the band. But I grew up in Tanzania and Uganda for most of my life. And that's why I got the tattoo. And people will make comments about it. And some people say that they don't think that I should have it because of the way that I look.

And I disagree with that. I think it's something that means a lot to me so uh let me know what you guys think um chris i'm sorry i've got long hair and no facial hair it's okay i don't know okay since he had the end well i mean it's not like he's walking up to people and being like hey how are you man you know man? You know, this Jamaican racist. Explain what's on his chest. What? Oh, yeah.

It's a tattoo with an outline of Africa. It's Africa. And he's super white. He's not just even white. Yeah. He could just, I mean, he's got like curly red hair. But there are white people in Africa. South Africa, mainly.

Yeah, right. So, well, I mean. You should have got just South Africa, you're saying? It could also be like referring to like the genesis of humanity it could be a lot of things everybody's going to be the same color at some point it's not out of line to have that like out of hand naturally it's not fucked up uh i think now is probably the wrong time to have that but he probably got it a while ago right yeah on his fucking chest which he can wear shirts over right didn't know like how often is he around people with no fucking shirt on he just should have got it in a little bit over to his right and then it would have been like

fucking africa man the superhero just right across his chest he could also just get the entire globe you're saying that's where africa yeah nah but that's bitching out to the woke mob dude if he feels important about being in africa he feels important about being in africa i mean the guy could have spent fucking a week you know what i mean he's like he's saying people think he's a version of you know those chicks that go to fucking europe for like two months and then come back and they're like jeez mate yeah and you're like god damn it dude you made a fucking crumpet but if he explains i'm from there and i lived my entire life there that should do it it's not out of line just yeah again it's not

out of line just because you're white if i got it that would be fucking suspect right you're actually from there i think honestly go further and just get jamaica on your forehead so every country just every black predominantly black fuck it dude well no then then he would be out of line and in the wrong but this is what happens when i say don't push me he's getting pushed over dude he got something because it feels nice to him and then people are like you shouldn't have that that's gonna push him over don't tell him what to do he went he was in africa dude and he fucking grew up in tanzania isn't that what he said yeah and so he fucking grew up there so he has something important on his chest dude dude you gotta live with people yeah and this is the dude that has the africa on his chest but this is don't push him he'll get jamaica on his forehead

but you don't change just because people don't like the way you are it's just as bad as trying to get rid of it i understand don't go further you don't scale back you just stay exactly how you are he knows why he got it it wasn't a fucking fucked up reason he's fine next time somebody has some bullshit to say about it just be like what the fuck? I'm from there. Bye. No. Yes. Okay. What's that? Whoa. Why do you have Africa on your chest? I'm from there.

Tread lightly, dude. I'll get Jamaica on my forehead. No, that's not it. No. Also, getting a tattoo on your forehead is also never the solution. I don't even know what Jamaica looks like, like the outline. It would probably just look like he'd look like Gorbachev. I'm not surprised.

But yeah, I think that next time somebody has something to say explain that you're from there and if they still has a fucking problem fuck that person okay yeah i guess so i mean it's better than getting jamaica on your fucking forehead also that's not a good i know that tattoo is so dark but that tattoo every tattoo is dark no no but he didn't use single needle. I think he used triple needle or something. I don't know what any of that means. Okay.

Anyway, do it. It just looked like a regular tattoo to me. An outline of Africa. Yeah. Okay. All right, next one. Hey, Chris and Matt. I have a question kind of about career advice.

I didn't expect to be at the level that I'm at with my career. I'm 30 and I'm now working at my dream company doing my dream job. And I'm not sure where to go from here. I wasn't expecting to be at this point, at this point in my life. And I've always kind of lived my life hustling and, you know, constantly working towards the next thing. And, um, and I'll be honest, I haven't really won a lot in life. And, um, this is the first time that it genuinely feels like all of my hard work culminated into something.

So, um, my manager has been asking me about my career goals. And to be honest, especially over the past couple of years, I don't dream of work anymore. My career goals have completely changed where I don't feel like I tie my identity to my job anymore. And I'm not really sure where to go from here. and I'm not really sure where to go from here. I want to keep doing great things and keep moving forward and upward, but I don't want my career to be front and center anymore.

Wow. How do I decide on the next chapter of my life? I've been spending a lot of time with my hobbies and things that really make me happy, like traveling and things like that, and it's been incredible. And that's the part of life that i really want to do and i want my work to be secondary so how do i keep moving upwards with my career and how do i decide the next thing thank you i mean did she write that out she how does she not stutter at all that was unbelievable that was like a graduation speech this is why she zoomed ahead in her fucking yeah dude she did what what's her

job i i mean what she didn't say i know uh storing acorns it was a chipmunk uh there was no video by the way for people who are just listening yeah there's no video the thing about my job is you know you can only store so many acorns and in one day it's like how many acorns can i store so i'd like to hang out with alvin and theodore a bit more and go and travel places like another tree but anyway i mean it sounds like a typical workaholics dilemma it's just you happen to hit that wall a little earlier than most people i mean she says she's 30 that's fucking that's really really young for that yeah to hit the phase of your career where you're like well i i'm i've arrived at where i've always wanted to be and that does sound even though it's like i think some people would be like oh it's fucking

too bad for you but like no it's a real thing and everything's fucked up for everybody but i think that she's starting to fucking figure it out anyway yeah she's just like just like starting to travel more, starting to see what else is out there. I think that's the only, just keep going with that. You'll find another thing that you're passionate about. I think the problem is you've only been passionate about work your whole life. And now you're starting to see, well, what the fuck could I possibly be passionate about? This is nothing. But there's stuff out there in the world.

I promise you that. Yeah. Look, the grass is always greener, right? And it sounds like she's struggling about what she wants and what she has to do and then what she wants to do. That's kind of what everybody feels in their life unless they really have some sort of come to Jesus moment. And it's fine. And it sounds like you might be having one of those things but also allow yourself not to worry about it yeah allow yourself to just be and do your job and you don't have to do it forever yeah you don't have to do it forever that's the best thing about you know it's not like you're

in some fucking slave labor camp i don't think so you know what i mean no i would highly doubt that this is where she's aspired to be around yeah i've got the big you know the guy the big guy who has the airplane the chipmunk whipping me and making me store acorns whatever i don't know what his name is i wish i did it would be a fucking fine but i can't do the joke but like he um yeah dude it's just like do your do your do your job until you don't want to do your job anymore but also and also stack money yeah and give yourself you can also give yourself a deadline you could give yourself a deadline and be like i'm gonna work this job for another year and see how happy i am yeah but i think the bottom line is allow yourself not to worry and just to be yeah you're fucking some smart you're

fucking 30 dude you're i'm 42 her yeah she i'm obviously not talking to you uh because she's the one who called and seeking advice not you yeah um but she's 30 years old and is already out where she wants to be that's crazy that's fucking sick you're not don't be in a rush to do anything keep traveling keep fucking around sometimes when i when i'm i've fallen into these like holes where like i'll get interested in something and then i'll burn myself out on it learn everything there is to learn about it and be like yeah well now what do i do yeah and this is outside of work it's just like pure interest stuff but sometimes the way i'll stumble on a new thing that i'm interested in is i'll just be in a room where

there's like so usually it's someone else's fucking study or a place where they keep their books, their office. And I'll pull at random a book and I'll make myself read it. Wow. And it's not that you're guaranteed to be interested in that subject. Wow. But just the fact that it's something

that you would never normally read, there will be something in there that piques your interest. And then that thing will lead to another thing that piques your interest. And that thing will lead to another thing. And I'm not saying that that's the solution, but you're 30 and you fucking arrived. Do shit like that to just see what the hell might be next

because fuck man like i know you're probably sick of hearing this but you're in a good position at least acknowledge that yeah and just take it easy on yourself uh yeah take it easy on yourself is the main thing i think also we don't know what her job is if she's a fucking i mean this could be one of those things was like well what do you do well i bag groceries at a grocery store and it's like okay well then you just have really really low yeah she did say she has a manager that's the only thing i could yeah so you're obviously not you know what i mean you're not the manager first and then we'll talk yeah become the manager become the manager and then we'll talk yeah yeah what kind of fucking low aspirations do you yeah what's going on here what's going on here

yeah what's around on here what's going on here yeah what's around here okay not bad hey guys i just wanted to talk to you about an issue i've had for a while now longer than i care to admit ed basically just to cut straight to the chase i smoke too much weed it takes up far too much of my time and money. And I could be using all of that way more productively. I'm just wondering if you guys have ever dealt with any addictions or, you know, just things that are distracting you that, you know, aren't good for you and how you've dealt with it. Life rips. Thanks. Life does rip.

Addiction sucks. It's hard as fuck. Addiction sucks. But the thing about weed, we've talked about this a little bit, but I've known all different kinds of potheads. I've been one myself. I still smoke, but I smoke a lot less than I used to. What do you smoke, Sticky Icky or Loud?

What? Do you smoke Purple Purple? I don't know any of the things that you're saying. Kush, Chocolate Tie? Just smoke marijuana. Oh, wait. Eat it, smoke it, all the things. Chocolate the time we'll go with chocolate okay chocolate time um but i think that ganja the the kinds of stoners that i've known range from extremely

uh productive and you like can't even tell that they're high yeah to like the motherfucker on the couch eating funyuns all day playing mike tyson's punch out until it's the next day you know never getting up still wearing pajama pants yeah uh you know and and and i i can't and that person would tell you weed does make them lazy but i know i know people that it actually is the opposite they can't really work unless they smoke weed. They can't operate unless they smoke weed. So it's like, which one of those people are you? This guy, stop. You, stop, first of all.

Second of all, this guy doesn't seem like a lazy fuck. I'm sensing that there's clearly some kind of problem, though. Like when he smokes, he must be a lazy motherfucker. Well, the monetary thing is a big thing, right? He's spending a lot of money. Also, if he's high now, I wouldn't be able to tell dude exactly i mean if he's high off that ganja right now yes i'd have no fucking idea exactly so he seems like he's a functioning fucking weedaholic if there even is one yeah i know it is yeah so um addiction's

tough man uh you'd have to figure out the root of the problem are you addicted to the drugs are you addicted to uh some people are addicted to the thrill. You know what I mean? Some people are addicted to acting out. Some people are addicted to different things. So trying to figure out what that is would be beneficial. Therapy would be beneficial. It's really hard to struggle. Addiction is always a struggle. It's not something you figure out and you just spend your life trying to. But he seems young enough with a good head on his shoulders. I don't know. I think it's a tough thing. It's weird too

because weed is one of those things that's like benign. You can get your, I mean in Australia and I think it's like America, you can just get your card and just be high all the time everywhere as long as you're not operating

a fucking forklift. You don't even need a card anymore in California. Oh, you don't? Oh yeah, that's true. You just have to be of age. Yeah. Just don't operate a forklift and you're good, dude. But oh you don't oh yeah that's true you just have to be of age yeah just operate a forklift and and you're good but uh i think um what the fuck

was i going to say here's what i always say to people who are like i smoke too much weed yeah because i never had the problem of not being able to stop right for at least a few days i sometimes even at my peak of smoking so much weed there would be days where i would not smoke at all so it was never an actual addiction but i would smoke like a motherfucker and get really high throughout the course of many days whether i was working or not i would say first things first try to go two or three days without doing it at all see what happens if you have actual withdrawals you probably have an actual fucking problem yeah uh but if you don't your tolerance will actually go down and that'll affect the economic angle the

financial angle right it won't be as expensive weed tolerance fluctuates like a motherfucker if you stop for a week one fucking one of those bong rips will get you high off your fucking ass or hurry up and hit your hop your rock bottom and just start doing heroin right and start dealing heroin and doing heroin getting high on your own supply hit the rock bottom and then come clean you're young enough to where you'll probably be able to get out of it now we're not licensed physicians or anything like that or therapists yeah he knows that based on the advice you just gave but honestly start selling heroin that is i think you've actually achieved it you've achieved the single worst piece of advice in the history of advice. Sometimes the only way to solve a problem

is what? What have we learned? Is to create another problem. Okay, but not that problem. Deal heroin. Deal and do heroin is the worst solution. Get your heroin. The guy in Atlanta.

With friends. Get your heroin free friend with a pound of heroin. That's how you can make fucking friends. One free friend on one pound of heroin that's how you can make fucking friends one free friend on one pound of heroin hello what are you doing excuse me hello why are you english when you do it um because it's an old-timey thing to hawk stuff on the street and everyone was english back then and the old times oh okay got it well dude they weren't fucking even in america they talked like that no they did in movies they did those that like uh mid-atlantic accent yeah those movies that john malkovich is in he does them and i do them dangerous liaisons with when he has a little wig with the whatever those

fucking old movies are hello i'm here for. Wow, the worst script of all time. Hello, I'm here for the meeting adjourned. Let's get to the matter at hand. They're always got matters, dude. Let's get to the matter at hand. There was a thing in the town square that didn't go according to plan. The line is not thing. John, excuse me, Paul Giamatti, you really can't be ad-libbing saying thing and

also the two scenes ago you said okay and that wasn't even in the vernacular in 1779 dude you know what i fucking hate yep is when movies in that are spoken in it's an english language movie right and they take place in another country yep and they use accents gladiator of that place gladiator talk latin or i'm not i'm not watching just no no no speak english without accents all right right yeah don't have the accent of a local accent i know it's already fucking in english i want it to be add dude add all right what's up bro where are you know what i mean well that's a little far no i mean it dude have julius caesar come out and be like, nah, bro, kill him. That would be pretty sick, actually. Send out the fucking lions, dude. I would watch the shit out of that.

Yeah, hell yeah. Gladiator is just like, are you not entertained, bro? What the fuck, man? Where my homies at? Yeah. Wow, wow. You should have been in that movie. I know.

I know. I don't like that thing. Why accents? It's like such bull. It's so old time shit. It's just not not it's like that's not a good middle ground there shouldn't there isn't a middle there isn't a middle ground if you're not gonna do it in the proper language just do it in your normal fucking voice i love to russell crowe when i saw gladiator even back when it came out first when it came out i was like that guy's gonna be a fat guy you knew that right oh

you knew russell crowe's gonna be a fat guy and now look that, right? Oh, dude. You knew Russell Crowe's going to be a fat guy. And now look at him. And no hate. He's a great actor. He's super talented. Yeah. And he's a dude, so he could probably wet it up no matter what weight he is.

Well, yeah. He's really talented, right? He's a rich, famous guy. I know. Never lacking that department. But he, you knew. You knew he was fat. That's a guy that's just so plump.

Yeah, he was already fat, basically, even though he was cut up. No, but the the thing i want russell gordon doing weirdly enough i've been saying this for years and this is before he got fat i want him to get fat and play like a father of a child who's got like a lot of like issues in their life and i want him to like break down crying in a couple scenes if he was a really fat guy and broke down crying in scenes he would win every award yeah you're right you know what i mean yeah you're right what's weird is i didn't just think

of that right now i've been saying this for a long time that is very weird yeah but isn't it true yeah and he should have a button-down shirt and his belly should come out of the bottom when he's crying on the couch when he sits the buttons come out a little bit and his knees are higher than his fucking belly oh dude award right there dude the academy which cinditier would show up right at the scene and be like, excuse me, cut. I need to, and just give it to him. Yeah, it's true. He would be so good.

His hair, sometimes his hair's long, like wavy. It would be that. Part it in the middle. Part it in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we want. Yeah. Is Sidney Poitier dead, right?

Yeah, I think he's dead. Maybe. I don't know if he died or not, but whatever. I mean, like you could just. I think so. He might have died. If he died, it was in's dead. Maybe. I don't know if he died or not, but whatever. I mean, like you could just. I think so. He might have died. If he died, it was in the last three years. Sidney Poitier, huh?

That last name is so cock, dude. Oh, he died, dude. He died this year, yeah. But imagine meeting a guy with a last name Poitier. Poitier. It's Poitier. Poitier. Sidney Poitier.

What is that? I think we should give each other advice now. Okay. Okay. Don't wear so many chains around your neck. that's not really advice well no no we need to ask each other first yeah dude fucking dick but i wanted to give that advice for a while now all right well you said it me that it's also not so many it's two chains it's like two chains doesn't now you make me feel bad no i'm not it's not feel bad i feel fine fine, dude. I'm iced out. Oh, good. Okay. All right, I'll start.

Okay. Jesus Christ. I am working out, okay, and I'm trying to eat better. Okay. And I have a hard time staying within my discipline. Yeah. Right? So I want to know if you guys have tricks to help yourselves do anything. It's hard.

I do. He does. I do. I've never had that problem so he does well what never had what problem you don't never need it to work out yeah well why not because i'm like fucking ripped obviously i'm not but like i never really have gained weight why not why i have not gained weight why have you not why do you not work out it's good to be active oh i mean i'm not i would i would say i'm particularly inactive but i never ever ever like go to the gym every once in

a while i'll get on the fucking treadmill or i'll go for like a long walk or something but I've never been like a regular working out person how come oh because I don't like it I don't like doing it yeah um and what's what's last time you ran oh actually kind of recently like maybe two weeks ago you're like I robbed a bank what about um what's last time you jumped jumped yeah i mean just like jumped jumped onto something that's working out well no but it's active i don't know when the last time i jumped on something was when's the last time you did a push-up i mean what the fuck kind of question was last time you jumped i'm asking dude uh uh on the stand on the stand when's the jump i don't know did you kill her um so look i think that um you have to what i do is i don't fucking try to

cut everything out and completely go okay no carbs what the fuck people do you know what i mean but um i make sure when the to save i think this is actually really good advice save the eating like shit to only your cravings right like wait till you crave the ice cream and then eat the ice cream don't just mindlessly do it really realize if you want to eat it or not or if it's just a you're bored thing that's a huge step for me because in the day i don't get cravings until until night but um me too but but if you ask me do you want a donut now i do want it but i'll be like yeah but i only kind of want it because it's here not because i crave it so save your junk food until

the cravings that's step one and finding the motivation to work out is really hard sometimes but doing it as a routine is best i used to always do it at 3 30 from 3 30 to like 4 30 or from 4 to 5 you know and just fucking doing it when the sun's nice and i'm out there i'm glistening and i'm sweating i do some outside and i'm doing curls and my shit's cascading down my chest and it's getting bigger as it's beefing up it's getting harder the beat for the sweat beads to roll down because what happens my chest gets elevated and i wanted to get to the point where my chest gets so elevated that the beads just kind of sit there do you know what i mean disgusting just fucking straight up disgusting the slower the beads just kind of sit there do you know what i mean disgusting just fucking straight up

disgusting the slower the beads go down the hotter your chest is popping out right i don't know well i take your word for it and that's the thing do more jumps and you might know but disgusting um so that's getting into a system of working out and only eating shit on the cravings i think is the key and uh that's when you could start and then once you start seeing uh um results you're kind of off to the races dude right once you start seeing results because they say nothing uh food doesn't taste nothing tastes better than skinny feels skinny feels and to those people it's like i don't know dude i don't know how many calzones you've eaten but like sometimes food is just so good right once uh but also you gotta you gotta see that in the mirror

you gotta see those results and then you're like cool fuck them calzones yeah you know yeah yeah that makes sense um we get so insecure uh i think that um i think that once i do start gaining weight i'm gonna be a fat, fat, fat fuck. I actually was driving here today thinking like, dude, what is the decision? Because here's the thing for me. I feel like I look fine. I'm fit enough. But I feel like if I was gaining weight, I would have a decision to make. And the decision isn't to start working out necessarily.

It could be. But some people i feel like i would be like you know what i'm gonna be a fat guy yeah you know what i mean yeah actually check this out dude i choose to be a fat guy fuck it yeah because some people are just fat because they don't work out and some people could just be like you know what i for i kind of don't mind being fat and i don't need to work out so i'm choosing to be fucking lumpy where girls don't like okay yeah well so what you're saying what what is that like you're wondering what yeah what is it like to actually be like

because i think that that would be my choice i'd be like i'd be a fat guy fuck it i'm my personality is hot enough to where i could afford to be you know a fat guy you could make that decision right now if you want i know but i can't get fat you could you were here's what i actually wanted to ask you do you think it's weird that we actually have different very different body types we're both long and thin in general but like we've always had really different body types you know what's up with that like i actually thought maybe i'm wrong i actually mean this sincerely not like in a dick way i I thought you absolutely could get fat if you wanted to. And you can't.

I don't think I could get fat. I obviously could gain weight. Dick, first of all, to say that I could get fat if I wanted to. Why are you saying that? Because I think you could. You've never seen me fat even a little bit. I know that. Stop attacking me.

You're calling me fucking saying I could be fat. See, look how mad you are. All right. So mom once said to me, yo, you're gaining weight. To you? I was like 31 and I said, no, I don't.

I remember that. You were getting a little fat. Mom talked to me about it. I mean, you know. No, she didn't. Ha ha ha. Very funny. But she was like,

you're gaining weight because I did a joke where I lifted up my shirt and she was like, yeah. She's like, I have a scale upstairs if you want. I went upstairs. Oh, wow.

The most sideways, passive-aggressive way to tell you you're fat. Dude, why don't you step on that scale if you want? And so I was like, yeah. She's like, I have a scale upstairs if you want. I went upstairs. Oh, wow. The most sideways, passive-aggressive way to tell you you're fat. Dude, why don't you step on that scale if you want? And so I was like, I was like, fuck, I'm not going to go on a scale. And so I went upstairs and I went on the scale and I gained, I was 200 pounds and I fucking, I almost fainted, dude. Because you were so fat? I was like, what the fuck?

200 pounds. I've always been 179. That's kind of fat for you, right? 179? No, 200. It's not fat. I mean, I still look good because I'm a tall drink of water, right?

Yeah, I guess. I get bigger in all the right places. You know what I mean? Not if mom was noticing it. No, I know. No, no. But well, okay. Yeah, I guess I see what you're saying.

That wasn't a dick thing, by the way. Mom called you fat. I wasn't saying like I have a huge dick. No, I know that. Because I could not afford even to get more in the dick department. Okay, well, relax. It would suck.

But mom called you fat, dude. No, she didn't. And so I went and I got onto the scale and I was on the scale and I went 200 pounds and I got really nervous, but then my friend was there and I said, hold on to this. I handed him my dick

and then I was back to 179. So it did all go to my dick. Your friend held your dick? Yeah, he held my dick while I was on the scale. So my dick is 21 pounds. It's crazy, dude. It's really heavy. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. held your dick yeah he held my dick while i was on the scale so even so my dick is 21 pounds it's crazy dude really yeah dude it's crazy but um it's really heavy for something the size of a thimble yes oh dude that's crazy it's got super it's like juggernaut the x-man so so dork just so much

fucking mass in one um or ant-man maybe i don't know what it is but uh the uh also here's another advice that i have that's really great don't drink your i don't know what it is but uh the uh also here's another advice that i have that's really great don't drink your calories don't drink fucking coke don't drink that shit save the calories for munchin dude save the calories save the cravings for munchin because if you're having a coke with a meal dude i stopped drinking soda straight up when i stopped drinking soda i lost 20 pounds baron von munchin you heard first. Okay. So save the calories for when you're Baron Von Munchen. And what was the first one? Only eat shit when you're craving it.

Yeah. And then also only eat bad food when you're craving it. And then also stick to a routine when you work out. Do it every day at the same time. The other thing about me when the worm finally turns and I can actually get fat, not only am i gonna get fat because i have the worst fucking eating habits you do yeah okay relax no and uh also i'm everyone who's ever been who's been in my life for a long period of time is gonna be so

happy that i got fat why because everyone that i've ever been around that's been close enough to yeah they say why so thin has always been yeah. Yeah, so mad at me for being thin. Deeper. How can you eat like that? Why do you fucking, like, why don't you ever gain weight? Like, how could you put that in your body at this hour? Yeah. And, you know, I'm just like.

Dildos, dildos. Wow, wow, wow. All the time, you know what I mean? Wow, wow. So. But. How can you put that in your body at this hour? It's 8 a.m., you're putting a dildo in your butt?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, so what do you eat you eat i eat a lot i drink soda oh you do uh i drink i drink soda i eat pizza okay i eat i eat bread and sandwiches i eat fucking uh i eat cookies like a motherfucker i eat cookies like the cookie monster wow oh dude you know what i eat lately? What? I eat ice cream sandwiches. So good. I eat fucking biscottis morning, afternoon, and night. Really?

I eat fucking noodles all the fucking time. Really? Never eat salad. What are the good things you eat? Never eat salad. Nothing. I don't eat anything that's good. That's like Brendan Schaub.

I said, how much water do you drink? He just said, I don't drink water. I said, you don't drink water? That's weird. He was like, no. I drink a ton of water. He said it doesn't taste like anything I was like yeah but

that's not the point he's like only coffee some flavored drinks and yeah and then alcohol no water his reason for not drinking water is because it doesn't taste

like anything that's the plus of water the plus of water yeah the plus of water the plus of water starting Cate Blanchett obviously

dude the new Avatar movie is called The Way of Water. The Plus of Water starting Cate Blanchett, obviously. Dude, the new Avatar movie is called The Way of Water. Bruce Lee named it. Dude, so fucking get over yourselves. Avatar, The Way of Water, dude. They're also eight years late. No, no. No one's going to give a fuck about Avatar. Don't make a sequel 20 years later.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. No, I'm saying avatar is so played out now like you missed the fucking boat with that one yeah don't make that ship has sailed but also don't make a sequel 20 years later nautical references back to back how do you feel about that the way of water i don't feel anyway yes but also don't make a sequel 20 years later unless it's to a movie that bombed then i'll watch it yeah well here's the thing james bio dome fucking two his whole life has made huge hits out of movies that i'm always like why the fuck would someone make this movie titanic and avatar both i was like those movies are gonna

fucking bomb who gives a shit then not only did titanic become the highest grossing movie of all time then avatar did i know crazy that guy i he's like a magic mind guy how about when um avatar when they stick their fucking it's so sexual when they stick their parts in the fucking flying people and then the flight you got to stick their cock in the flying person's pitching me the movie james so there's blue people right uh the roman around the world they got to find the person to get on the back so they can fly and then they got to sync with them and they do that by sticking their cock in their uh their flying pussies sounds great do we have a deal sounds good man i'd like to thank the academy remember when he won top of

the world might was the most this this this was just uh this just came from an idea that i had about sticking cocks and flying pussies. And I'd like to thank my agent. I'd like to thank... What the hell? The cocks and pussies! Cocks and pussies! The 53rd annual...

John Malkovich coming up next to present the award for Best Guy with Accent in 1780 for some reason. Can't stop thinking about John Malkovich. Dude. Yeah. You have spent a lot of your life talking about John Malkovich, unprompted. Yes, I have. Have you thought about that?

It's a funny guy to go to. Why do you think about him so much? Greg Kinnear, too. Why him? It's a funny guy to go to. Funny guy to go to when you gotta go to when you got something funny and you need to say an actor that's annoying to that whenever i have to do sometimes i do a gift gift givings if i never need to do a joke about gift

giving i made you a sundial it's funny i log it oh what'd you get me i made you a sundial that's funny i don't know i don't know either i log them up dude what does that mean like what's the like you know you log them up yeah log them up what does that mean ask me what what's a fucking funny song one headlight by the fucking wall uh what's a funny song well one headlight by the fucking one headlight like if you ever need to go to it as a joke that's logging them up yeah some of you're hanging out with a friend and somebody's like yeah and then a montage happens and then you just do one headlight i get a fucking laugh i just fucking log them up dude you log them up okay toys care bear teddy ruxpin that's where you're losing me logging them up i log them up dude

what does that it's like the freestyling of joking like how eminem is like it's like how eminem is like nothing rhymes with orange really what about the orange i've seen that too that's cool there you go dude yeah he knows what rhymes and i fucking have teddy roxford in one headlight in my fucking it might store it in my pentium pentium there's another one computer if you want to pick a funny one use that or dell remember that guy dude i'm getting a dell i got it all stored yeah i got all stored it's way funnier than saying apple yes dude wow rod stewart the way you said that was that's a good one too wow that's a good one what words did you just say stored in my pentium no after that that's a good one too rod stewart funny one better one phil collins you know what i'm saying if you want to pick a guy

well i'm just saying i got it all stored but you sounded like rod stewart not phil collins i know i know i know but i'm just saying if we're doing the thing that I was just talking about. Anyway, dude, I'm going to be at Atlanta, Boston, Cheyenne, all sorts of places, Denver, Peoria, Illinois, Jacksonville. Go to chrislea.com. Check out them dates, Washington, D.C. So also check out my podcast. Congratulations. And also give advice to the people in the comments below.

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