Lifeline - 70. Loud Farting Racist

Episode Date: August 13, 2023

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Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. it works though super well cool yep so i can you... So are you going to get the surgery? I mean, eventually, I'm pretty sure I'll have to, but that works for now.

That's amazing. Yeah. Wow. How's your nose, though, after all that stuff? It's really dry. So whenever it's really dry, it still makes it so it's clogged. Because I can't get the... It still makes it so it's clogged.

Because I can't get like the... There's like this layer of, I guess, dried mucus around my nostril. So the construction is better, but... Is this the show? Yeah, sure. We're talking about my nose surgery. It's a great show. Well, whatever. We'll do a clip up front that'll be banging.

Nose line. And we'll be like, here it comes. And then we'll start talking about the nose. well everybody knows we have bad noses you know internal noses but the breathing is better for you you're saying yeah except for when it's dry when i'm dry a lot so it gets like inflamed or yeah it closes off yeah it sucks so i don't know i don't know if it was worth it i guess it it was. Yeah. But I also said with that kind of stuff, it takes, when I had my sinus corrective surgery, they were like,

it'll start to feel better soon, but it won't be fully better until three years from now. Three? Yeah, dude. Oh, I heard six months or something. Wow. That's crazy. But we had obviously different things.

Right, right, right. True. Yeah. But we had the same doctors. Oh yeah. We did, right? Yep. So I don't ever like when music is on. different things that right right right true yeah but we're the same doctors oh yeah we did right

yep um so i don't ever like when music is on there i said it but you i don't ever like when it's on ever but but is that the same thing as not liking music or what i understand why music is good so i you know but you'll randomly like a song i will yeah i will like what is the song you do like you're a rich girl and you know you don't come and they know you're gonna follow anyway you're a rich girl and you know you don't come well we gotta bleep that out you know uh but wait what you like that song or that was just it's nice okay well what else do you like? Adult, adult, adult. Education. Bow, bow, bow now. Bow now, bow now. Bow now.

Bow, bow, bow. Bow now, bow now. Bow now. And so why do you like hip hop then? You like hip, you like rap music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, I like, yeah, I like Tupac, yeah. You don't like rap music?

I like hip hop, yeah. But I don't like the new stuff, really. I like Tech N9ne, yeah. He's new, right? Well, he's, I mean, at this time, at this point, he's like hip-hop yeah but i don't like the new stuff really i like tech nine yeah he's new right well he's i mean at this time at this point he's like 50 but yeah oh really i mean i don't know if he's 50 but yeah he's older i mean i'm like the 21 year old like little dirk kind of stuff i don't i can appreciate it though like i like um that song with little dirk is good but only because of uh what's his name the other guy the big big j cole j cole j no j cole j cole oh wow um j cole has a good name though too so yeah so uh j cole who's that rapper just went to uh jail for shooting all of them megan the stallion's feet oh oh how long has he been in jail for 10

years 10 years isn't that crazy here's here's what's up with me and i'm i've known this for a while now but i really it really sort of sunk in even further when i read about that i don't want anybody to go to jail almost ever you have to actually kill someone or commit like a really violent otherwise violent crime uh or i mean there are financial crimes i guess but even then i'm like oh damn talking about years in jail a lot of time the financial crime is just like oh that guy just got caught up you know you're like oh like he knows what yeah i do know he i do know exactly what he did he shot her foot but even then right i know exactly like joe pesci yeah he was he was actually saying dance dance dance and shot her feet at her feet and like

bullet shrapnel got lodged in her feet and everything and at first she actually lied to the cops because she didn't want him to get in trouble and then eventually she obviously told the truth and she ended up having to take the stand she says it like ruined her life which i totally understand really it's double traumatic you got to actually have that experience and then you got to actually go through all the courtroom proceedings yeah to make the guy go to jail you know what i don't get is if somebody he has no chance at parole which is the craziest part some violation he committed during the trial or something like that there's no there's some like rule that he broke that says he, if he's found guilty

he has no chance of parole. So he's going to be in jail for 10 years no matter what for being Joe Pesci. And Joe Pesci got off scot-free in all those movies. And Joe Pesci never went to jail. So hold on.

So, well, his head was in a vice, right? Wasn't that him? He got killed. Well, no,

he put a guy's head in a vice and at the end of that movie he got beat with aluminum baseball bats and kicked into a hole. And at at the when we saw that movie in the theater with mom and dad there was a couple behind us that kept oh wait hold on how old were you when that movie came out yeah i was either 11 or 12 what it was that young it was 1995 when casino came out okay so casino comes out i was 15 i was 14 we saw my dad was really excited because well he's excited anyway he loves scorsese but the book had the nicholas pelegi book that is based on yeah

my dad was like obsessed with this we're talking about the movie casino double time so he was excited to see the movie we all went to see with robert de niro joe pesci opening weekend yeah if you don't know casino we'll just get the head check a lot of people don't know that's true but all you guys get the head checked if you don't they get it uh so we're in the theater i'm totally unaware of this the entire time but apparently this throughout the course of the movie sorry did you open this for me go ahead it doesn't matter sorry i'm sorry uh throughout the course of the movie uh unbeknownst to me i don't know if you heard it as well but anyway this this uh yeah i did not know during the couple this like waspy older white bread older couple but not not senior citizens but older like they were like in their

60s maybe maybe maybe yeah uh was like chirping the whole time the woman especially was like oh i can't believe this man would take his family to see this movie. Oh, it's so- Pretty wild, actually. It's so violent, and I can't believe that it was parents of the year. That's what they were saying,

parents of the year about my mom and dad. At the end, that's what they said after the movie. Okay, so then at the end of the movie, the credits come up, and apparently inspired by what he had just seen, my dad, who was a very mild-mannered guy very very even-keeled i mean i've seen him get mad less than five times uh and this was one of those times and but to me i didn't know what was going on so all of a sudden to my eye he's just

barking at this couple that are things that he said were unbelievable yeah he was like i mean well i you know it's just joe pesci stuff but he was basically being joe pesci yeah yeah the joe pesci character in the movie i remember what he said if your husband had any fucking balls he'd come back here and fight me you fucking fat pig i was like oh my dad's just calling somebody a fat pig like what's happened i didn't want to say it but you did so okay well i mean he regrets it you know what i mean but he's also 76 now so you can't really yeah i mean this was this was many many years ago and he was just it triggered him for real he was like full-on triggered that he

was being called a bad parent yeah for taking his kids to see casino which i don't care if my dad took me i was gonna see casino in the theaters under some circumstances. Really? Even as an 11-year-old? I was going to go figure out a way to see that movie. Really? Yeah, dude. Yeah. And then after, what's that? A trench coat with somebody else.

Yeah, two of us. And then after that, my dad made us eat brisket and mortadella. So it was really crazy how Italian he was. Eat it, eat it, eat it. I'll put your head in a vice. And he had a wife beat her on. Yeah. Not for nothing, but eat the whole thing yeah yeah and um and he was crying about his own mother because

that's what all tough guy italians do yeah yeah so uh no but that did happen and it was pretty fucking insane it was crazy it was crazy yeah and and i looked like dad what the fuck and the the guy was like yeah and i was like i'm pushing his wife. I did not hear the couple say anything during the movie. Did you? Not one word. Not one word. What if that made it up just because he wanted to be like Joe Pesci? I mean, yeah, it was crazy.

It was truly crazy, especially because it's so, so, so out of character for him. What's so annoying is that those people said anything behind the scenes. Why would they say something? I mean, I will say, it is pretty fucking crazy to bring an 11-year-old to Casino. It's very weirdly violent. But here's the thing. I was a particular 11-year-old.

I wasn't just some random- No, no, no, I know. I had already seen Goodfellas. I know. I already knew I wanted to make movies when I grew up. It was a thing I deeply cared about. It was a specific, unique situation. I would never, ever let calvin see casino at 11 years old oh i'm gonna show it to him at 11 years old i mean i just i i'm not saying that that's like obviously it's

fine you you know it's not like you're a serial killer no i'm gonna show calvin this you know but it's just so weird that i mean that was that actually effect even i was 14 yeah and i was like oh god the end is crazy brutal. The bat thing? But you got to have that ending, because he's been such a terrible guy the whole movie. It actually is a good lesson for an 11-year-old. Yeah, but you can get that lesson in a fucking children's book. Don't be a violent criminal, or else you will have a violent comeuppance come upon you.

I get that. Wait, is the book really good? I never read the book. What? That's based wait is the book really good i never read the book what based on yeah how have you never read the book you've seen the movie fucking 100 million times it's not really it's the book is a true story yeah the movie is very loosely right of course yeah so i hate the true story of it didn't really matter to me no i understand but you'd still you love that movie so much you'd want to see what it was based on i would think i know the basic bones of the actual story i know but that i'm just saying i'm shocked you

haven't read the book okay we'll get off my back about no i am but i'm just saying i'm you fat pig i'm reading uh 1984 for the second time nice and i am i for the first time i didn't get the whole way through i only read like 100 pages and now i'm on the second time, I didn't get the whole way through. I only read like 100 pages. And now I'm on the second time reading. You're actually reading it? I'm on page 36 or something. It's funny how people talk about 1984 so much. And anytime, well, obviously, anyone reads it. I think people are probably surprised, especially for the first time.

It's really not straightforward and easy to understand. No, it's not. But it is also very, and I know this is the thing that people say, it is very weird how it was written in 1945. Yeah. And it's still exactly kind of what's happening now. Well, I think it's because that's what happens every time any kind of totalitarian regime gains a foothold.

Or not even totalitarian regime. An oppressive majority or an oppressive whatever society. any kind of totalitarian regime gains a foothold. Or not even totalitarian regime, an oppressive majority or an oppressive whatever society. I understand, but the way that guy was able to tap into that and know that at whatever age he was when he wrote that is bonkers. It's so smart. And I write those kinds of things. It's a crazy time.

1945 was World War II. I know, it just ended. I get it. Russia, Germany, a lot of places popping up. Look, I get it. Totalitarianism, you know? Totalitarianism. That's a totalitarian.

Did you ever read Animal Farm? You read Animal Farm, right? No. Maybe. What was it? It's the same thing, but for kids. It's about the totalitarian regime that grows. They kick the farmer out and all the animals take over

and they're going to be like great communists and we're going to share everything and everything's going to be even now finally for the animals. And then like the bad animals take over and take're going to be like great communists and we're going to share everything and everything's going to be even now finally for the animals. And then like the bad animals take over and take all the grain and food and make all the lesser, weaker animals do all the hard work. Sounds so boring. Everyone read that in school, man.

Oh, yeah. They don't say it's about totalitarianism. So drunk, but it is. No, it's specifically not. That one is specifically about totalitarianism. Communism. Oh, okay. So it's not about totalitarianism well no communism usually in practice is a form of totalitarianism i know that that's why hitler is a nazi well so it's not why it's one of the reasons that he if there wasn't that stuff there wouldn't be this stuff is an example of the excess one of the reasons that he, if there wasn't that stuff, there wouldn't be this stuff. Hitler is an example of the excesses of the right.

Right. And Stalin and Lenin are examples of the excesses of the left, as is Mao. And it's all good. And Stalin is dead. Sure is. We know where that gets you. But there's a four-hour movie called State Funeral

with no dialogue, no plot. It's just footage of different parts of Russia mourning Stalin when he died. They had all these ceremonies and all these like thousands of people would come out and just be – It's like those videos of when Kim Jong-il died. Is it on Hulu? No, it's on Mubi. Mubi? Yeah.

What's that? Mubi is like the higher end. It's like not quite criterion level, but it's a really great streaming service. Whoa, I didn't even know about Mubi? Yeah. What's that? Mubi is like the higher end. It's like not quite criterion level, but it's a really great streaming service. I didn't even know about Mubi. Yeah, it's got really great stuff. Dude. M-U-B-I.

It's one of the better streaming sites. That's like Tubi. But Mubi? Well, Mubi actually was first. Oh, wow. Tubi's a cock. That sucks. But Tubi's great too.

Tubi has everything. I love Tubi. There's nothing not on Tubi. Anything that has ever been made is on Tubi. There's nothing not on Tubi. Anything that has ever been made is on Tubi. Our home videos are on Tubi. I love Tubi. Last for mine. And then I saw last night, I saw a movie called Men.

Men? Oh, I saw that. Dude, what's up with that movie? I don't know because I fell asleep in it. All right. The rudest thing you can say about a movie is you fell asleep and you didn't even ask the people you were with what happened because you were so bored the whole time it's definitely a movie to fall asleep to we'll talk about it more on lifeline luxury congratulations we're gonna do lifeline luxury later but uh yes calls to get to sundays are for lifeline go sign up for patreon for a patreon uh patreon.com

slash lifeline luxury there's a new episode out right now uh you can catch me on tour i'm going to be in charlotte uh and uh knoxville and also little rock arkansas and nashville calgary edmonton ottawa anyway a bunch of places in canada canada a. A lot of places. You're going to be in Montreal. Pittsburgh. I'm going to be in Cleveland. I'm going to be in Montreal. Yeah. I mean, you know, Detroit. ChrisLea.com for tickets. And then if you have a question,

click the link in the description below for Lifeline. Or go to WatchLifeline.com or leave us a message on the hotline. It's below. And send us a video describing a situation with a weirdo in your life. That'd be good. If you want a one-on-one advice session with Matt, Matt does those.

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So, all right, let's do it. Let's get to our first thing here. Our first video. And let's see what's up. What's up, Matt? What's up? Actually, that sweater's so cool. Get it at chrisley.com. It's not a big deal. I just wanted to comment on the Crank of Mattel episode. You guys opened up a memory for me that I completely forgot about. That's what we do. I also saw the Pablo Francisco stand-up special. Because any time when I would hear the word Irvine, I would say Irvine and I never knew why I said it like that.

Irvine! You guys put that back into my head now. So I'm very grateful for that. But I also wanted to ask what are some of you guys' inspirations? Who's the people who keep you guys up? And how guys' inspirations? Who's the people who keep you guys up?

And how important are inspirations to you guys today? What a good question. Yeah. So, love Lifeline. Life rips. And it's super good. And super good. Thank you very much. Well,

he's leaving, folks. He has Speedos on. What's happening? I got a trunk on me, right? Oh, so I look at all the inspirational videos online and about working out. Who inspires you,

man? Not like Lee Haney. No, come on. Who's who inspires you? Uh, God, who inspires me? It's it inspires me it's it well it's it's there's two types of inspiration there's the kind where you look at and you want to emulate and there's the kind that you look at like my son my sons like i i see them do things and i that inspires me to be more and better. So I would say my big one is my family and my sons.

And, you know, like you guys, like not my family of origin and stuff, but like... Yeah, I mean, dad inspires me for sure. And then the other stuff is like... My mommy inspires me too. I love my mommy. But then the other stuff is like my mommy inspires me too i love my mommy but then the other stuff is like good people inspire me like when i sit down and i have a lunch with somebody and i find what that they're living the life they want to live um like

i have friends that are like this uh and then i think wow that's good i want to i guess i want to live like that like a lot of mine come from you know when i was in rehab or recovery but then also um then then there's also like comedians that inspire me that when i see them do it doesn't have to be a big name or anything or even my favorite comedian but when i see someone doing new stuff that's kind of working it's inspirational and i'm like okay i could do that i want to do that and then i and then i try and do that got it but but no like figures that are enduringly inspirational to you to me i i always think of tupac i always think of tupac and how he was just so himself and didn't give a fuck and then i often think about what the fuck would a guy like that be like that now he'd probably be very much the same i know but how would he be dealing with

but what how would the what would the reaction be you know like like i'm in a in a situation where i get to say whatever i want because of my profession and i've already you know i'm not doing hollywood so i can just like i put out an instagram video today where i was making a joke that was about racism and i could i didn't have to not post it because I don't have to worry about losing a fucking brand deal. Tupac probably would have lost a few brand deals in his time, in this climate at least. But he also would not give a fuck. Yeah. And he would be loud about not giving a fuck. honestly sometimes the people who are inspirational to me are people who are considered like

not like not like good in the media you know what i mean because they try yeah yeah yeah like like a lot of a lot of fucking because they stand up for what yeah exactly like because they stand up for what they believe, whether it's right or wrong. Because they just don't, like the left just kind of doesn't, you know? But yeah, it's, I don't know. I don't know specifically, honestly. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, inspirations, I think there are ones that I, like when I was a kid,

I wanted to like be when I grew up, like people like John Cassavetes. Yeah, he is very inspiring. Yeah, he was a big inspiration. Very inspiring. Later in life, when big inspiration. Honestly, very inspiring. Later in life, when I sort of discovered, when I started reading more, I didn't read a lot when I was,

even before I was like 20. Even in college, I didn't really read that much. That all came right after college I started doing that. But once I started getting into that kind of stuff, like certain writers, certain thinkers, like Sam Harris. I guess, yeah, when I was in college and Sam was like in his 20s still, I was extremely inspired by him and his whole,

like the new atheist they were called, like it was him. You were listening to Sam Harris when you were in college? Not listening, he didn't have a podcast, obviously. But like he was a writer, he wrote a book called The End of Faith that while he was in, I writer he wrote a book called the end of faith that while he was in uh i think in his master's degree he wrote the end of faith and it became such a big

thing that he dropped out of school and became like oh wow a public figure but i think one of the most the most inspirational people in like this climate and it kind of touches on what you're saying people who kind of don't bend to any sort of crowd or trend or whatever of the day is christopher hitchens i find christopher hitchens to be one of the most inspiring figures yeah could not even i actually disagree with him on a lot of stuff yeah yeah i guess that's what i mean it's like matter because the way he is about his opinions they're fully thought through he fully thinks them and is 0% afraid to speak about any of them. And, you know, it's not that I like people who speak their mind

and are super opinionated. I like that when they have reasons to believe those things and can explain those things. It's like, yeah, sure, everybody's entitled to their opinion, but I don't give a fuck about yours if there's no basis for thinking it. It's flimsy and it falls apart. But Hitchens hitchens dude his mind was just like utterly encyclopedic in

fact if you watch him speak mid-debate it's just like where's he even storing this stuff and he's often drunk when he does it he's just like a complete absolute genius and a true one of a kind and those are things that i've he died genuinely yeah he died yeah he did and he was one of those new atheists and when he was dying he was very sick he had the chemo he had no hair people would always ask him like what do you think about what happens when you die zero percent change zero percent of it was he like well i found god and this and that maybe opening up maybe no he thinks what he fucking thinks sick or not dying or not here or not here it doesn't matter he's like this it goes and last words women aren't funny actually actually i do think he had a big you got to do a lot of that was the wasn't that one of the things he said thing about how he said women aren't funny yeah but he wrote a whole article about it i mean it's so funny dude i don't know

what he meant to be funny but he was just just like, they don't need to be. I don't, yeah. That was the thing. I don't know. Why women aren't funny. Right. That's the article, right? I'm like, so dick.

Call it something else, you know? Such a shit starter, man. So dick. And it was Vanity Fair. Vanity Fair, yeah. It makes so, it's so funny when a guy, it's so funny when a guy talks like that and is able to it's why i like some like chris rock like to make sense of something like that it doesn't mean you're right

but it to make it make sense the way you're breaking it down is fucking utterly hilarious like for him to say well they don't need to be to be. It's actually a good point. Women don't need to be funny. I think his argument is that men need to be funny to be able to participate in the gene pool. Exactly. Yes. Right. And women don't need that attribute because men will like them anyway. Of course.

Right. Okay. And that's fair to say. But what about Wendy Liebman, dude? No, no, no. Well, women are funny. All I'm going to say to that is what about Wendy Liebman? No, I know.

I know. She's the funniest. She is the funniest. Oh is the funniest oh you think so too yes dude she's so funny dude i was at the airport with her once and i was just like i can't believe that wendy liebman is she's so funny so funny yeah she's so funny you know judy judy tenuta you know her yeah a little before wendy liebman she's just like a sandra bernhardt is also hilarious not that obviously women are funny but like that is a hilarious article. Some women are funny. I mean, you know, you can't just say women are funny. Well, you can't say men are funny either.

The least funny people I know are certainly men. You know why? Why? Because they think they're funny, dude. But they are funny. Well, not every man though. They don't mean to be funny. No, but what I'm saying is obviously,

I'm not taking the place of like, well, so are men. I'm just saying the people who are the least funny uh-huh are to me men who think they're funny but aren't there's nothing worse oh it's being around a guy who like is super confident women are like that too it's so equally annoying when a woman does it sure i know less women okay right because you're sexist and you don't hang out yeah women. Yeah, exactly. I refuse to hang out with women. My whole thing is when women are like, they turn 30, when hot women turn 30 and they decide to do stand-up. That to me is just like, it's so glaringly obvious that less dudes are looking at you now

that now you're fucking roping them into having to look at you because you're standing on stage. Damn, I never thought about it like that. The way I thought about that was you're 30 and hot and you're starting stand-up now you're terrible what i thought about that what i've always thought about that well not about specifically getting into stand-up comedy but i've like i've had actually several girlfriends now who and i've always dated women my age and never really dated younger women so many of them have been either approaching 30 or just after 30 and uh they were many of them were actresses and that was around the time they started to be like well i want to do funny stuff

yeah but i think though in my mind with them my feeling always, they know that their looks aren't going to last forever. Yeah. And maybe they're not the best actors in the world. So they need like other options. That's the way I thought of it. Yeah, that's a nice way to think of it. Well, these were people I was intimately involved with. So I was going to give the most generous possible reading.

But however, Hollywood is about broken souls. And these people are most of the time like well guys aren't paying attention to me anymore let's fucking hijack a comedy show because i could get on because i'm hot but don't you think it's more about survival of their career and or their livelihood i don't you think it's just like a an ego thing yes i do i mean i do because people aren't that deep especially women women in Hollywood. It doesn't take deep depth to be about your own survival. It's survival, but they're just like, I need people to look at me. I think it's that simple.

They're just like, I'm going to be funny. Dude, if nobody ever told you you were funny besides your friends and besides a guy that wants to fuck you every now and then, you're not funny. Don't do stand up. And then like so many, like also so many female comedians will be like, oh, we don't get the same opportunities. Like horse shit. You can jump on any lineup. It's full of fucking people that are just like, oh, yeah, chicks.

Let's have a month. It's ridiculous. It's full of fucking people that are just like, oh yeah, chicks, let's have them on. It's ridiculous. There's that funny Bill Burr thing where he's asked about something like that. Oh, I can't remember what he says. It went viral or something.

He's just like, stop. He's like, just be funny. Who gives a shit? Yeah, be funny. It's the truth. Dude, go up and murder. If you can murder, you're great. Well, that's the thing about comedy.

Male or female, it doesn't matter. And there are females that fucking murder. Yes, for sure. And there are men that murder, you're great. Well, that's the thing about comedy. Male or female, it doesn't matter. And there are females that fucking murder. Yes, for sure. And there are men that murder. Just do that. Talking about crime. Talking about crime. But don't go on stage and have a ho-hum set on a Friday night.

Because it happens all the time, dude. It happens all the time. Fucking people get up there and they're just like, So, bro, this is your job motherfuckers out there make furniture and you fucking sit in the chair for years and these fucking people will go up three years into comedy just like and so i was playing uh uh uh and a an app game and what's the deal with fucking bejeweled and and and you're like this is my friday night i make fucking chairs asshole you know i'm saying kind of mostly it's just so

whack dude why are you laughing so much i'm what gonna kick on one his ass dude i just fucking you know why i'm asking him why he's laughing so hard because i want to know because i'm invested in what he thinks is funny because he's an audience and i want my audience to think i'm as funny as possible because i obsess about it because i'm bonkers good at stand-up because it's all I ever want to do and I didn't turn 32 and then decide to get on stage because people stopped looking at me because now I got some wrinkles I go on stage because I I obliterate and dude people who talk shit can't follow me deeper

bro are you blocked if you're talking shit you must be blocked cause you can't follow me dude it kind of seems like you're actually talking to me bro i buy a chair i sit with the chair thing with the fucking chair thing dude i buy a chair i sit in it for years dude if it breaks i don't go back so what are you doing on stage

three years in talking about bejeweled okay uh speaking of inspirations uh uh yeah good video you know we got that covered you know we got that covered all right who's next candy crush was the thing i couldn't the jeweled was the worst but what was he in the closet started over here your girlfriend i'm being held hostage right now so i gotta be brief i don't know who to call so i'm sending a lifeline video in. Please come help me. Hey, Matt and Chris. I'm at work right now, so I have to be brief.

But I'm wondering how y'all feel about your girlfriend popping your pimples if you were anywhere close to her. Sometimes it seems like if I'm anywhere around her, she's dialed in and she goes to me and starts popping pimples on my body and my face and it hurts first of all so gross how do y'all feel about that why you got so many pimples bro no no no this guy yeah i know about that uncle sam dude i yesterday uncle bald sam talked about this yesterday i talked about this with kristin dude i does she do it every single girlfriend has ever done it we we know let me oh dude me too except for one has one never has once done it and you know what she's by far the best one okay well not because of that but but I'm just maybe because of that. Maybe because of that. Could be. But what I'm saying is it's unreal how much they want to do it. What is that?

I don't know. Women send videos about that. No man would ever want to do that. Yeah. Hey, a woman, please send us a video. Yeah. And tell us why you want to do that. Yeah.

Because I've told Kristen and here's the thing. I've told Kristen. She'll the thing. I've told Kristen. She'll be like, ooh, let me get it. I say, please don't. I don't like when you do it. Just leave it or I'm going to do it. Oh, you don't like it. No, it hurts when she does it.

When I do it, it doesn't because I know what kind of pain is happening. I kind of always liked it, but I go on and on. What? It hurts though. But I like a little bit of pain sometimes. You know what I'm saying? All right. So.

It hurts when I do it too though. No so it hurts when i do it too though no it hurts when i do it too you know you can at least control the level sure okay you know what i'm saying keep going keep going um so but and then i was like come on and i asked her i said yo i very seriously i don't want you to do this anymore you broke it down really you were like i don't know and i was like yeah she's like okay guess what she still did it so great so she did yesterday so i and i said no i don't want you to do it she's like okay i won't do it but dude this is the other thing dude she i'll say to her hey why do all chicks want to do this it should be like don't say that i'm not like that or whatever the fuck this is another thing that that women will do and you're like oh dude

so now i don't even get to you're gonna fucking hurt my and while i'm and i don't get to say the thing that's by the way true wait so what is her what is her every every woman i've ever been with likes to do that i get that well what is she and every woman i've ever been with when i say why do fucking chicks all like to do this they say oh i'm like all chicks i'm not like that oh really damn hey you're on a sitcom, huh? In life? Hey, your life is a sitcom? Hey.

Yeah. Okay. Dude, it's unbelievable. I don't know what it is about that. Yes. But the truth is, sir, yes, that is what happens. Yeah, there's something going on with that. No question.

It's so weird, dude. It must be a taking care of, grooming. I mean, you know, like moms for sure like to groom their kids when they come out maybe it's a version of that also also there's like yeah i mean for sure it's like an eternally baked into human because kristen is always like with the hair on calvin and william and shit and you're like it's fine also skin in general is women are much more well for sure active and and interested in keeping their skin healthy so it makes sense that they would extend that to their yeah boyfriends or husbands or

whatever you know yeah but still it is it is odd it is odd yeah yeah actually now that i'm thinking about there were a couple specifically you don't think about this obsessed with it's so weird man doing it yeah and it wasn't just a couple it was all of them but anyway so it's all no all of them would do it yeah two in particular were like like obsessed like would check would be like pull down your shirt like oh god it was more than two but yeah pull down your pants let's go out take off your underwear two of them we would go out on the street and be like let's find guys to pump people's on oh that guy looks good sir take off your shirt what excuse me what yeah yeah dude but that fucking okay yeah okay yeah we don't know yeah tell her no dude so make a boundary i don't respect them though what do you want

next one who's next so dark guys i am reaching out because i want advice to reach out to an ex or not i was in a relationship two years ago and we were together for 13 months it was very toxic mental emotional physical everywhere okay so then um but there was a lot of substance abuse and that so take that into account but anywho i've been single for almost two years and i've been dating i've been putting myself out two years and i've been dating i've been putting myself out there i go to therapy i'm very open to everything but i still think about him frequently and i'm still missing him even though i know he's not a great person so my advice is that i need is should i reach out to him just to see what he says like will that closure help me or should i reach out to other than my therapist who else should i reach out to i guess

or should i or not thank you love you guys bye that is a good thank you for the question yeah 100 absolutely no i think uh here's the thing are you are you she's mentioned closure and that surprised me i thought she was saying should i reach out and get to get back oh that is what i thought she said but she said should i reach out and then she said something about closure as if that would be the if the purpose of getting closure is what's behind it then sure it's up to you if you if you have the mental wherewithal to handle that potential landmine, then sure. But I mean, especially because of the substance abuse, this just sounds like you're stepping into a swamp that's going to suck you right back up. It sounds like you're stepping into a relapse is what you're stepping into.

But I mean, if you're seeking closure, maybe. But if you're seeking to renew your relationship, nah. I don't believe in closure. Nah, because you're going to, neither do I, but some people do and it's real to them. And I've known people that really actually makes a huge difference to them. So if you're like that, then sure. But if you are looking to reopen a potential relationship,

which look, I'm not telling you what you're feeling and thinking, you know better than me because you're you, but it kind of sounds like that actually might be what's behind it even if you tell yourself otherwise what to see him again and be with him yeah to be with him even if you think you're seeking you need closure but you're really seeking to reconnect and i know it's hard two years is a long time to be single especially after a relationship that was super intense both good and bad but I think remain steadfast and know that there will be someone, some guy who comes along that makes you stop thinking about that guy.

Yeah, for sure. I promise you. I promise you that will happen. And in the meantime, just work on yourself. Stay sober and then talk to your therapist. Who else do you, talk to your therapist about that for sure,

but then who else do you talk to about it? I mean, I would talk about if you are sober in those meetings you could talk about it 100 and if you're not in meetings and you and you are sober or struggling to stay sober you should go to those meetings yeah there's a lot on zoom even if you're still using go it's helpful i go to some zoom meetings i go to some that are in like fucking they're all over the world like i like because of zoom like i go in and i do my meetings um sometimes because usually meetings when the in-person ones they're at like fucking 6 30 a.m at the beach or something and you're just like i'm a comedian where do you do that how do you i go i wake up sometimes i'll do it at like 9 30 and it'll be like a noon meeting in Houston. Oh.

Or like literally I've done them in Scotland. Whoa. Like late at night. I could do them at 1 a.m. So you could just bomb in? You don't know anybody? Yeah, you can. It's not bombing. I mean, it's like it's open for anyone.

But like I go in and- Sorry, sorry. I actually have a question. How do you get in? You got to know somebody. No, there's like a forum. Oh. Where you just look and every hour on the hour they show it.

And you're like, okay, I'm going to go to this meeting. I'm going to do it at fucking midnight. And it's in Scotland or whatever. Oh, that's so cool. And you go in, yeah. Damn, sometimes. I don't normally show my face because I don't want to fucking. Sometimes the internet is so cool, man.

Be a distraction, you know what I mean? Because I know that people. Nobody knows who you are. But sometimes it says on the Zoom, it says Chris D'Elia. I i gotta fucking change your name i did oh okay to skibbity no i did i changed it to theo von nice no but i um yeah i i uh i do want to i do want to go to more ones in person and then i do do that and then i don't know man sometimes i feel like the zoom ones are are better although i do feel like the zoom ones are are better although i do feel like the zoom ones you can do other shit like check your phone or fucking you know

look stuff up on the internet while you're on the thing you know that's not ideal it's not ideal but yeah yeah yeah so probably no is the answer should you reach out to this guy but you're you so you know you're gonna do what you're gonna do anyway probably yeah but but have some faith in her you know talk to your therapist and also do some of those meetings be real with yourself if you want to get back together with them falling this guy falling in the middle i'm in an absolutely magnificent place right now bragging salbania and um i am here alone right now and i was wondering if you had any tips on just good ways to entertain yourself when you're alone i've considered going

down the back okay so what does this say um this is a boring question recognize him right yeah he called in a long time we did really that's the guy the france guy the france the guy with the girl the guy with the girl and he was talking about yeah he was thinking about going to france following a girl to france yeah he followed a girl to albania dude oh wow yeah this guy wait hold on okay so what does it say here this is a boring question anybody is what is the best way to do a career oh my god man the best way to do a career? Oh, my God. Look, man.

The best way to do a career? Let me tell you something right now. An alien. An absolute alien. Let me tell you something right now. Anybody, I'm going to straight up say it, dude. Anybody who travels alone is fucking nuts. Really?

Yeah. Oh, man. I don't agree. If you don't have that thing by the time you decide look at all the things okay so i'm gonna go to greece alone okay okay i'm gonna go i'm gonna go in november okay i'm gonna get the flight today okay okay okay i get the flight i get the thing maybe i'll refund it i don't know but i get the flight i get the insurance travel insurance if in august september october november four months you don't think ah fuck it i'm just gonna chill okay you're a batshit crazy person wow that is a heavy take i don't agree at all i

don't do that i don't like to travel alone but when i was younger i really when you weren't all together when you were younger sure but don't you want to make a caveat then like unless you're like a teenager early 20s he's. Well, that guy's absolutely crazy. We know that about him already. Anyone who goes to another country to find themselves is a fucking lunatic. But that's not what he did. You're right there.

You didn't... He didn't say I'm looking for myself. I know, but I'm saying... You know he said those things. But here's the deal. Why would you be solo traveling to just Albania? You're lonely, no one likes you, and you're crazy. Sex tourism.

Nice. traveling to just albania you're lonely no one likes you and you're crazy sex tourism nice no but like when you let's just stick to the question he's in albania he said he's in albania dude wow i didn't look that nice i gotta go alone uh what how do you what was the exactly how do you how do you how do you have fun alone what do you do to have fun alone? What do you do to have fun alone? Dude, what is this question? Smack off. You can do anything. Yeah. You can read about anything. Walk around.

You can read about anything. You can go anywhere you want. It's cool to be alone. It's cool to be alone. It's good to be alone sometimes. But to travel alone, hey, congratulations. You're part of the Nutty Club. Nah, nah, nah.

What if you really want to travel and then no one wants to go? You don't go. But what if you really want to travel then there's no one who wants to go you don't go but what if you really want to oh it sucks why some more friends that want to go no dude no it's so bonkers bro this is a wrong take man that's fine it's so bonkers to travel alone and like go backpacking by yourself. But then you like meet people and have like real like things, adventures and stuff. That's cool. Yeah, and until it is cool. And if you do it, you're nuts. It's not not cool.

It's cool. You're cool and nuts. Oh, I see. Okay. So, okay. It's becoming a clearer picture now. Think about the person at dinner. And you're all hanging out y'all

got jobs you all fucking worked hard you did your college shit you you left college you got married you had kids and then there's one person that was like dude i went to italy by myself for three months and just chilled i would want to talk to that guy because crazy people are interesting but no but also because he was in italy for three months and nobody at the table was. They were all just living their lives, having kids or doing their jobs that are boring. I don't want to hear about those. Doing the things you're supposed to do. I want to hear about the guy that was alone in Italy.

Also, if there was an assassin at the table, you'd want to talk to him. Absolutely. Because he's fucking crazy. No, because he's an assassin. Assassins are crazy. I don't want to just talk to a guy who's crazy because he's crazy i i would beg to differ because i do maybe you're crazy let's have lunch you know my friends wow wow uh you know my friends worst policy yeah but you got less crazy crazy friends now than you used to that is true that is true like you used to be

friends with guys i like wouldn't even want to let in my house that is true or like know where i live that is so true yeah now it's not like that no i know that's so true i wish oh man those those people were so funny to fucking be around jesus christ dude guess what uh-huh what two things One thing, it's a throwaway, but the reason why people think that my legs are so skinny are not because they're skinny, but they're because my knees are knobby, and I'm working on it.

Okay. My quads are going to pop out. So far, we got one don't care. What else you got for me? Number two, that was a throwaway one. This is the real banger. Dude, I actually can't believe this. You know how I used to run the block on cold water in Ventura?

No, but okay. You know how I used to fucking run the block. I used to go to the coffee bean and tea leaf. literally run the block. Okay. Yeah. I used to go to the coffee bean and tea leaf.

I knew the guys who worked at the fashion place next door. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a fucking. I hated that coffee bean. Okay. But there was a fucking BG to go. I would go get the Cobb salad.

It was the best in the city. Yeah. Okay. They all knew me at the sushi place. Yeah. I hated that sushi place. And then the fucking Western bagel turned to five guys. Yeah i ran that western bagel i ran it i remember yeah okay but the coffee bean was my shit yes i mean bro i was the mayor you know what i mean right there in

that little block i was the mayor okay governor fucking not governor but um mayor viragosa yeah he fucking saw me once there i was there okay but i'm just saying how crazy was it to see a guy in the midst of a re-election campaign? He looked so dead and weary. Tired, right. There was a camera crew just getting up this meet and greet at a random place, and he got close to our faces when he shook our hands, and I was like, wow, it's misery to be apologizing.

But he did that for me because he knows that I run that little fucking area. He was basically trying to get your endorsement. Right, because if I did, that swayed like 18 votes, right? And he he won the old guy with the briefcase with the nesquik in it who always farted and he would call the governor's office and talk about all the mexican nationals that he didn't want around anymore you're so racist dude bro the guy would come in with a fucking and i've never told you the thing yet the banger yet but the guy comes in with the briefcase how old i hated that guy dude i wanted to be that guy's friend oh i hated that guy dude 70 a loud racist who farts all the time

he was terrible he was terrible he was terrible so hold on 70 right oh at least would you say at least one guy came in one time one guy came in a black guy with like the i don't even know what to call it without sounding i'm ignorant but like the the orange like he was african you know dashiki maybe maybe he had a diki dashiki maybe he had a diki maybe he had a sudoku on i don't know but so maybe he had some chorizo on i have no idea but he so the guy says what in rome and and and he's oh my god oh oh oh wow excuse me sir and he was like this is an african guy yeah oh shit dude what a dick what are you wearing all this for yeah it was terrible he was like sir you're ignorant and he was Oh, so he got into it. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck that guy. Yeah, I mean, fuck this guy, you know. God. Calling the governor's office. He would call him. I think it was the mayor, honestly. Okay, yeah. He would say, yeah, I want to talk to the mayor on his little flip.

Back then it was the, you know. About all these Mexican nationals. Yep. What are you. Yep. And he was right. And he was right. What are you talking about?

And he was right. There are Mexican nationals. B, you know, the most racist you can Yep. And he was right. And he was right. What are you talking about? And he was right. There are Mexican nationals. B, you know, the most racist you can be is to be loudly racist in public and seem like you don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For sure. Or you even notice. 100%. You know? And so he, so he, it's actually, they talk about what's inspiring.

It's inspiring. That guy was so racist and didn't give a fuck he was just he was just off his shit he was yeah he was but he would come to the coffee bean with a briefcase not like a backpack or a duffel bag no a briefcase like a briefcase that you like would see in a movie and Dan Aykroyd would have it. You know? Yeah. In 1980, you know?

And in the briefcase, he had some papers that were something, I guess. Yeah. His cell phone and fucking Nestle Quick. Yep. And he would go order coffee, iced coffee. The powder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah powder yeah yeah yeah yeah and then put the thing in it and mix it up it was actually hot coffee now that i remember

and it was so disgusting what a fucking dickhead and get on the horn talk to fucking the mayor but um anyway that coffee shop closed down when oh it did 10 years ago okay maybe not no probably like six years ago it's been closed ever since it's just there it's just there it's just a building every time I drive by

I'm like I loved it there I know that it sucked dude oh god it sucked I can't even like express how much it sucked

did you think it sucked um don't lie yeah don't lie I didn't love it I mean it's a strip mall coffee mall thank you there's nothing the ac not a vibe the ac it was the least of a vibe it's so not a vibe dude the ac would just

blast on you in certain seats other places it was so hot loved it eddie murphy would go there all the time and he would always say what's up he would always say hi to me yeah me but me too and i was like you're a comedian why is he saying hi to me he probably didn't know which one was me you know maybe or he thought i was your brother yeah he was nice as fuck so nice yeah yeah anyway always with cartoon comic book beautiful women yeah it was like crazy yeah yeah with his like rolls royce or bent yeah just killing it he'd leave it running just fucking there's one eddie murphy you know yeah yeah and dude uh it's back it came back dude that's yesterday i drive by it's gonna be an alfred's coffee oh yeah baby

so you know i don't like alfred's coffee but i'm you you better believe i'm gonna go dude you better go and not only is it back dude you're back i'm back i'm gonna go in and be like i'm thinking i'm back like dude this is the final form of me not being canceled anymore is that this fucking coffee shop is back both of our producers just got up and walked away from their seats simultaneously and i can't see either one of them anymore they're just gone dude why because i'm talking about my fucking block i don't know i don't know i am so excited and i go no way and i'm with kristin dude i'm 43 and this this shit i and I go, no way. And I'm with Kristen. Dude, I'm 43, and this is the shit I think about. I have no way, dude, look.

And she said, oh, my God. Because she knows all about it. The fact that it's an Alfred means maybe I'll actually come by sometime. Bro, I'm going to go. Yeah, you should. Oh, it's hectic. Because it's actually going to be good coffee. Oh, it's hectic. Instead of coffee bean and tea leaf.

Oh, it's hectic. Which is a nightmare. Oh, it's hectic, dude. People talk shit about Starbucks drip coffee. Well, Starbucks is fucking awful. Coffee bean drip tea leaf. Oh, it's hectic. Which is a nightmare. Oh, it's hectic, dude. People talk shit about Starbucks drip coffee. Well, Starbucks is fucking awful. Coffee bean drip coffee is dead. It's better than Starbucks, dude. It's dirt water.

Starbucks is fucking my, it's my asshole squeezed. It's really bad. It's so bad. Coffee bean is bad. Coffee bean is really bad as well. The iced coffee at Coffee Bean is is better way better than the ice coffee well i wouldn't know because i don't drink ice coffee because i like actual coffee okay i like actual but that's the fucking shit i get the espresso dude i get it really civil civil's good

right civil's cold brew is very good the espresso they make is is not good and and i i i went there and i said hey because i always get the four shots over ice. Damn, okay. That's exactly right. So don't come at me with the whole, I only drink real coffee, bro. I'm the man when I get the four shots. That doesn't mean you're the man. All right, well, you know what I'm saying, though.

I'm really gangster when it comes to my shit. So I go to Civil. I get the four shots. I really want Civil to be a good place. I get the four shots. It's not good. So I say, let me try the cold brew. That's what I always go back to.

If the espresso isn't good, I get the cold brew. Cold brew is fantastic. So I say, the guy says, four shots? I say, now I'm going to try the cold brew that's what that's what i always go back to if the if the espresso isn't good i get the cold brew cold brew is fantastic so i say the guy says four shots i say now i get the cold brew this time he says oh really how come i said i like it better and he goes ouch and i'm like he doesn't know i don't like the four shots also they're both made by civil i know not him shut up dude i don't like when i didn't like how he did out but i really like that guy oh okay well yeah uh really nice it go with the bad all right should we do what yeah we could do another one but but the civil but the the the best one of the change is pete's yeah i mean pizza's whatever but okay all right dude well what chain do you like alfred no i mean bigger chain alfred's was like seven of them uh i guess of the big chains pizza's's is probably the one that I dislike.

I would count Seattle's best, but there's never one. Yeah, those aren't around here. Yeah, I guess you're right. You know? Yeah, I guess you're right. So Starbucks, Co-Order,

not Co-Order, Coffee Bean, Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Pete's. Those are the three that I know of that are chains. Then Pete's is the best of those three. But that's because there's the least Pete's.

It's always the ones that don't have, but then you get into the mom and pop shops that are fucking terrible so i don't even want to get started on that less less terrible than the big chains though and we're just going in circles all right let's do one more all right i'll just do another one matthew mardin oh yeah hey what's up delia brothers love you both love the show man i listen every sunday all right so guys i was laid off this morning man that's the first time it's ever happened to me oh shit that sucks i'm sorry so the advice is i am asking is not his why do i just go out and get another job um full time uh by trade i'm a draft

spin i i uh got a certification for that at a tech school. I design and draw 2D and 3D construction documents. And, you know, so my advice is that I'm asking, looking for is, do you guys think I should maybe go back to school, become an engineer, take this time to, you know improve my resume my level of education um or do i start my own business freelance work for myself i've been doing it for 10 years um i got plenty of experience you know both these things would be hard a lot of money um i've got a wife and two kids, so it would be tough. It would be real tough. So what would you guys do? Would you take this time,

take it as a sign maybe that life still rips and pursue something better? Or do you just find another job, get right back into it, working full time, potentially getting laid off again? What would you guys do? Thanks. If there's an avenue towards having your own business and working

through yourself that's a viable avenue that you can see daylight on yeah do that yeah do that because more and more being an employee it's going to just become more and more precarious as time goes on that's not a rule just throughout history always but it is a rule to my eye right now being an employee now anywhere is so precarious like bad it's just not a good deal for in so many industries i don't know about yours but like see if you can school is one avenue that you look if by the end of that school engineer school there's like money and jobs that will be available to you right away that could be viable but i think if there's a possibility of having your own business and that seems like it could actually work

go toward that full speed and i was and you never know what's going to be happening with like the fucking ai of it all with you especially with your profession like right i would just not waste time trying to make your career uh and you know i'm not going to school is wasting time but like sometimes in some cases it is but in his case it would be after school he'd have a much more sort of like he'd be able to actually get work as an engineer. I understand. Which is a higher paying and more, what? Except for you don't know what's going to happen with AI.

Right. But I think that's a real thing. If you start your own business, you could actually fold in some kind of whatever's going on. That's what my point is. Okay, yeah. Yeah. All things said and done, I feel like,

if Matt's right though, you have to see like an actual path towards it. Right. Don't just blindly be like, I'm going to start my own business. That's what idiots do. But have, I mean, I'm not a big fan of like the five-year plan, the 10-year plan, but have like a general idea of a structure of a plan that's like, okay, well first it's going to be this and it's going to be hard until this. And then if it is, if it does get better at this by this time then i'm on to something and then i can build on that and it's like have benchmarks you know because

otherwise you'll feel like you're flailing and you'll want to stop and quit and you gotta have little benchmarks along the way that make you remember that you're on the path toward progress but yeah start a business and remember i'm not a businessman i'm a businessman right i mean definitely don't forget that jay-z said that would be really bad hove do we know how hova became his thing yeah he called he started saying hey you know what my thing is hova call me hovava. Why? What is Hova? Jehovah. Jehovah's Witness?

He's a Jehovah's Witness? No, he's Jesus. He's like Jesus. He's Jesus Christ? That's what he's saying, yeah. But all rappers say that. They do? Yo, I'm like Jesus.

I died and came back. I mean, Tupac used to do it. That is the most sacrilege shit. Are they Christians, though? Are they all Christians? I don't know. If they're all Christians, they say that and they should know that that sends them straight to hell yeah they don't care though nobody's really a christian when it comes down to it cool but but i i know that it's not a nickname

he said hey call me that asking is where it comes from what is that jehovah jehovah jesus okay that's very weird but okay well it is it is weird. Is it raining out? It looked like it was going to rain when I was pulling up. Fuck all that. Fuck all that. Ah, it's like, come on, mate. I was going to get my car washed. I guess not.

Listen, guys. Lifeline Luxury. There's a new episode now. So go to patreon.com slash lifeline luxury. Come on down Charlotte and Little Rock, Arkansas and Knoxville arkansas and knoxville and nashville and cleveland and pittsburgh and all these different places uh chrislea.com i'll be there soon and also leave a comment or oh no no what the the if you want to call in or whatever there's the hotline the hotline or send in a video we like the videos better but the hotline works too you want a one

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