Lifeline - 71. Chris Gets the Giggles

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. it's making me so uncomfortable like the really sensual thing you're doing at the end what like when you go uh like it sounds very like personal right yeah i don't like i like my singing i know but i don't like because i get yeah that that i get you're doing that for the audience no i'm doing it from honestly i'm doing it for me oh okay well i'm the only one here next to you so it seems like you're doing it for me and that's why it makes me uncomfortable well i'm just get it i'm getting it going yeah that's not the

right song to sing when you're getting it going though what is that song stevie what that's stevie stevie wonder yeah oh yeah it is what's the what's the name of that song oh yeah it is i don't know what it is and i don't care i i don't know why i share more my share more there you go dude i don't like i don't know why uh that song was stuck in my head literally haven't heard it in years you think i heard it in the background somewhere way way way long ago think about this all the time yeah me too why do we get the songs stuck in the ones we get in our head why do we get well because we hear them maybe not though what right well so my question to you is did i hear that somewhere even quickly

passing by and i just didn't realize it because that could very well be true that could be and that would be in my head but i also feel like the brain is really mysterious and weird and things pop into it like by association because the other day you know what was in my head for no reason she moves in mysterious ways yeah yeah yeah it's all right it's all right it's all right so worried you know that's all no uh bono's never worried about anything in his life but yeah the lyrics would imply he's definitely been just he's worried he's definitely been worried about where sunglasses were sometimes. Or though, he's like, oh, right, right, right in my eyes.

He definitely has someone who manages just his sunglasses when he goes on tour. That would be so awesome. God, that would be so awesome. If you had crazy, crazy money, what would you have, like, what would you spend it on yeah or just yeah yeah i guess so yeah i actually like a chef no i maybe a chef probably a chef but something i've specifically always thought i wanted was i i hate to sound like a boomer but i hate these and i want someone to follow me around who has it for me and every time there's an alert that i've given him a specific criteria that are deemed worthy of alerting me for yeah he gives it to me it would

be he would be giving it to you all day long because we text so much or she but yeah you guys wouldn't be on priority dude you would just i would but like the lifeline thread might not be you know got it yeah yeah that's true wow really you've thought about this i've thought about that yeah i would have like stupid money though not like uh well i mean that's honestly not if i had like eight million dollars i'm talking about like a billionaire you know if you were larry uh what's his name from black stone or whatever it's called black larry ellison black wall what the hell black rock is that larry ellison no larry fleck or something what the hell is his name no anyway it doesn't matter um but yeah so okay well i would have for sure um chef yeah driver easy oh really you love driving now i do but i would still have my driver

like riding in the passenger seat hey yeah we're. We're going to go to this place now. I do love driving. I do actually love driving, but I would still have a driver in case I just didn't want to. Interesting. Yeah. Would the driver like live at your...

In the car. In the house? Like that you... In the car. Outside. Some drivers like... I'd make them sleep outside. Have their families live on the premises

of the wealthy person they... That's so weird. You ever seen the movie Sabrina? I mean, it's an old movie so you probably haven't seen it.

One of our top favorite films. That's a remake, but yeah. Oh, right, right, right. But did they do it in the remake too? I don't know.

I don't think I ever saw the remake. Okay, well, the original one. Here's the thing about Sabrina and other movies that make it.

Don't make that movie, right? Well, I guess it made money. It sucks balisimos. The song. Oh, wow. Sorry, the movie.

The movie. There's definitely a song called Sabrina. It's just a huge classic, but let me tell you guys something so you don't have to waste your time if you want to go back and watch old movies. There's no way. That's cool. There are many great old movies. Sabrina, one of the more famous ones, isn't good.

It sucks balisimos. I don't like- Now, why would you remake a movie that sucks balisimos? No one knows. Well, you'd remake a movie that sucks balisimos to make it good. Right, but here's the thing- I think that that's a good idea. You're ah you're right but here's the thing uh-huh the real holden and humphrey bogart who are always going to be better than harrison ford who's good

and greg kinnear okay fair enough big mistake to ever put greg in your movie sorry greg kinnear i love you but you're not like you're not william holden you're not a leading man you're not even cool you're like a funny guy that's around i think that greg canier is a really good actor dude i think he's a really good i mean what what was he good talk soup i mean he's fine no he i think he's really good he's good in um as good as it gets he's really good in that he's good and stuck on you you really thought he's part of matt damon stuck on you's funny yeah you're right i don't know he had a minute though that he was like the lead in movies and there was he had the weirdest not a good reason he had the weirdest career he went from talk soup to movie star he was the first guy to kind of ruin everything you know

oh wow the first guy to ruin everything greg kinnear yep that's a hell of a it went so mixed a lot then then why are you kidding i'm kidding kidding. I'm joking. I just thought of a silly name. But yeah, Greg Kinnear is a great actor. I think he's got an Oscar in him. I guess I chose the wrong guy. Yeah, dude, so watch your mouth. I'm in the wrong company to start dissing on Greg Kinnear. But Sabrina is...

I am a big... I do not watch movies that are a person's name. I think that's a huge... huge it's gonna be a lazy movie it's a huge cop-out I there's there are movies that are just someone's name that I like that I always hate yeah that too I don't oh oh Sabrina yeah who the fuck is Sabrina right yep well we'll find out when watch the movie I guess but also, that doesn't make me want to watch the movie because I don't know who that is already. No.

Explain something about Sabrina. Sabrina and her... Or just the thing that is about her and then when you see the movie, you'll say, oh, that's someone named Sabrina and she has these qualities. Yeah.

We don't know anything from the title. The worst is when it's a full name, though. And the last name... Honestly, the worst is when it's just a first name i disagree i think it's worse when it's a first and last name like what michael clayton terrible title i mean it's a great movie actually but i get it i know what about um what else is there i feel like they arrive at that when they've exhausted when they don't have yeah exactly it's so stupid though there's always a

better title always always and the title if it's a is so, it's just so bonk and lazy. It's also so boring. You made it, someone made up that name. It means nothing to anyone. Yeah, dude. You could change the name, period. Dude, it could be anything. Change it and change the whole thing in the movie.

Michael Clayton could be Pierre Wilson. Okay. And they could name the movie Pierre Wilson. And it would be the exact same amount of good. The title would make the same exact amount of sense. But it would just be his name in the movie is Pierre Wilson. Dude, I met somebody the other day. I can't remember.

Pierre is a sick name. I can't remember if I met them or if I knew them already. But they actually said that Michael Clayton is the best movie they've ever seen in their life you know what i've i've spoken to people that really that think that i did not know it was that good well i most people don't think it's the best but the fact that somebody thinks michael clayton is the best movie of all time i was what i was like what i can't i wish i remembered who it was there are absolutely people really think that yeah yeah wow yeah crazy right i only saw half of it. Oh.

Why would you do that? I mean, that's actually a genuinely good movie. Did you see the part where they, spoiler alert, killed Tom Wilkinson? No, but he's such a, honestly, you talk about good acting. He's never been better than he is in that movie. Really? And the scene in which they. Really?

He's like, there's like a hit put out on him but because he's he won't shut up he's babbling about the lawsuit that this company's guilty for yeah man yeah like a monsanto type company that did bad stuff and he's like telling the truth and they can't have that yeah i know they can't so all in one shot they break into his apartment and kill him and take him out and And it's like so crazy, like efficient. It's just really upsetting. Oh, really? Yeah.

You know when someone, think about when someone dies all dramatic in a movie, it's so distant from reality that you can watch it and be entertained. When someone just is like, it's so much more upsetting. Because you know that's how it happens. I know, dude. I saw a thing once where somebody got shot in the head.

It was a thing I didn't even mean to see. But it was like, just they don't there's none of like this shit no no they just go they completely go crazy they collapse yeah yeah oh gosh dude enjoy your sunday yeah that's no but it's just so bad how about people who like watching faces of death i know i don't like that at all if i'm gonna get shot though and i see it coming, I'm going to jump back to make it more cinematic while I get shot. I'm going to jump up above the bullet so the bullet doesn't even hit me. Well, you could jump. Wee!

And you did that and you still got shot and your last word was wee? Well, I wouldn't say wee if I was getting shot at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You might say wee, got to go if it was you and other people there. Yeah, maybe. Uh-huh. So don't count it. You never know, right? Oh what you want to go you want to get into a thing i do i'm thinking about sad things now i need to get oh all right well let's do the thing let's talk

about it here hey how's it going chris and matt uh so i was the guy who called in the other week about the sundials at goodwill buying stuff from goodwill oh yeah the only reason i said that chris is because that's your joke you used to say say that you would always buy sundials for people's birthdays. It is. As, like, a joke. Like, if somebody said, oh, were you getting, like, someone for their birthday, you would say, oh, I'm getting them sundial. That's the only reason I said that.

Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air on that one. It's deeper, but okay. I'm calling in because I have this issue regarding license plates, and people get customized license plates on like teslas or soccer moms do it a lot you know like if they have a family they'll put on the back like pty of five right like party of five or if they're tesla they'll put like sun powered this really annoys me and i don't know why and i would like to hear y'all's input customized license plates should we

be doing this what do y'all think yeah i i think that they're unless like there's exceptions right like don't get customized license plate if you're a soccer mom like that's just what do you do that says soccer mom you mean no scc just like if that's what you do and you cart kids to school and back and forth like no oh don't do that if you're a businessman and you have a convertible you can get it dude i couldn't couldn't disagree more dude you you know what you actually don't even know that you don't believe what you're saying i haven't said anything yet bro you said you disagree with me and you agree with me but i haven't said my thing yet okay which is that it's not okay if you think your license plate makes you look cool it's not okay if you think your license plate is funny it is okay if it says something really dumb on your license plate

no dude you i was right what i said okay but i'm right how can you agree with me and you just don't even realize it what does the businessman in a corvette have on his on his license plate like if a guy drove by in a uh like a z3 roadster okay with the you know what that is yeah i know what a z3 is okay because i know about cars okay so and and and it was and it said something like biz man, you would love it. Yeah, but biz man isn't what I thought you were going to say, dude. Obviously, biz man, if the guy knows it's stupid, the problem is you don't know if that guy thinks it's cool or not. If he thinks it's cool, it's funny, but it's not.

I get it. He's asking something else. I get it. I get it. Okay. If like, I mean, no, that's not a good example biz man for someone else but i mean biz man i would laugh at for sure oh the guy says shit we got to take it dude please can i get that only other seat in his car but thinking about the actual person

he was so terrible to be right oh yeah that's true there are a lot of cool people not even cool that's the wrong word there are other people that will walk by or drive by and be like oh my god look at that guy and you like kind of are excited about them that you realize will be terrible terrible hangar routers yes for sure yeah i don't how many friends do you have um i mean that's tough like people i what's a friend that's a good question i would say my instinct is to say a very close group smaller amount yeah and that's not true i mean so i know so many people that i'm in touch with a lot that i consider my friends so so many just endless amounts nobody's ever had more friends than someone like me you know yeah um no i'd say good good friends like 15 10 15

yeah cool i would probably say around the same, but I don't count. I'm your brother. No, you don't count. Yeah. Okay, cool. But I'm a good friend. I would be. But still 10, 15, cause there's a five person thing there.

So it could swing from 10 to 15. You, whether you're in there or not, wouldn't really make much of a difference. Shit, man. You're good at math like that. So yeah, I don't, I think for a general rule no i would never get one would you uh no no i guess no i would not okay all right okay next one hey chris hey matt um love both y'all uh blah blah blah blah blah feel about how much you guys have changed my life anyways um two things I need advices on.

And they're both work related. One, my coworker eats Panda Express every single fucking day. He comes in with his Panda Express, his orange chicken. No, I was going to say, what?

The orange chicken. How do I get to stop? Smells so bad. I work in a three-story building. People from the first floor come up to take a shit in the third floor's bathroom what do i do about that please i'm tired of smelling stink ass shit it's awkward

because they don't even women are weird when they poop why do women not make any noise like i know what you're doing in there sandra fucking silently sitting in there for five ass minutes so weird anyways what do i do thanks love you bye and i also stuck on the toast crank oh dude that is uh a great length of video submission it is and it's also two and she fit two in there yeah it was really good what was the first one uh panda dude honestly bring a loaded gun to the to work and just slide it over to them and be like, here, use that on yourself. It'll go much quicker.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You're killing yourself. That's disgusting. It's so disgusting every day. It is fast food. I do not care what anybody says. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, of course. People don't think of it like that, though.

Really? They think of it like a rest. Dude, yes. Absolutely. But it's also even fast Chinese food. Yeah. No, I know. That's disgusting. Yeah, dude. But i know that's disgusting yeah but so is

all fast food and that is particularly disgusting i knew it i knew a dude that ate fast food three times a day and he'd be like yeah i just eat fast food three times a day i just like it and i'm like that's not good did he know it wasn't good he just didn't care he was fat well did he know that that was why? I don't know. Because a lot of people don't, dude. I don't know. That's still not an entire population understood thing, which is crazy to me. And then another time, and then that guy was friends with another guy.

You know who it is. I'm not going to air him out. But I was like, he hadn't had sex for so long, and he hadn't dated for so long. And I was like, why don't you just like, maybe you're ugly? No, no, no, no. Maybe you're threshold. What do you call it? Maybe you're um maybe you're uh uh ugly no no no maybe you're uh threshold what do you call it maybe you're sex drive no no no like when somebody is shooting too high maybe you're oh you should broaden your horizons broaden broaden your no like you're going out you're trying for too hot you're shooting above you above, yeah, okay. Yeah, whatever that is. God damn it. What the fuck is it?

I don't think there is, I don't think that's a thing. No, it is. It is. Punching above your weight? Yeah, but not that, that is a way to say it, yes. But that isn't what I was going for. Okay, so punching above your weight. But hold on.

Maybe you need to. I think that's what he's thinking, is punching above your weight. No, that's not what I'm thinking. That's not what I'm thinking. I know it. Because he said it. Oh, if you know it, say it. I don't know.

Because he said it, and I said it wasn't that. Then you don't know it. A fucking guy at an auction. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Maybe you're, maybe you should, maybe you should,

God. Standards. Yes. Whoa. What did he say? Yes. What did he say? Maybe you should lower,

you should lower your standards. You should not say, yes, dude. You rede redeemed yourself you still like the terrifier movie but fuck yeah dude you still got bad taste but yeah you still got bad taste in films but fuck yeah came through with the lower you lower your standards i said on the way over here i saw a terrifier sticker on a car no on the way over here you saw a terrifier sticker on the car it's spreading yep what if you looked at a car and it was a guy so hold on um no he's chasing him down trying to get their attention so he pulls over becomes friends with the only other person who likes terrifier okay go um so sure that's a stupid dude i mean not more than one people more than two people like it i mean i know yeah okay so don't all right everyone knows that yeah okay it made a bunch of money so um so he and then he said

he got so frustrated i was like because because because sometimes you might meet somebody you're open to you know yeah they're pretty but who knows and then you become more attracted to them of course that's but that's what i'm saying yeah yeah and he said i've told you this but he said i i will not hook up with some standard, I will not hook up with some standard bitches. I will not hook up with some standard bitches. Oh, God, wow. Dude, and I couldn't. I do know who you're talking about.

Yeah, and I was like, ow! Like, he was so frustrated. And I was like, it was crazy, dude. Wow. I will not hook up with some standard bitches. I will not hook up with some standard bitches. Dude, that's how he said it. I mean, he needs.

Yeah, I know. Deep therapy. Yeah, wow. Oof. That is wild. I can totally see it, mean he needs yeah i know deep therapy yeah wow so that is wow i can totally see it yeah and still not going out and still not going out with anyone he will not he will not hook up with substandard bitches though i mean i don't like yeah yeah no shit you don't like who likes that how old was he when he did that i don't know 38 okay yeah unacceptable yeah um so that was funny when that fucking happened and i stand by it and uh i think that honestly if you eat panda that's dude that's terrible if your question is what you do about it i think you actually have the right to say something

i think you're disgusting and also say it smells it smells really bad it's affecting my work can you go to the first floor yeah because other people coming up to the third floor to take you know what you do it's send them back down to the first floor even it out you know what you do it already smells in the bathroom go eat the panda express in the shitty third floor bathroom and just you know one-stop shop for smelling badness right but who i don't think that guy's gonna be down with going into the bathroom that smells like shit to eat his lunch. How is it in there? You're pissing.

How's the food? So hold on. Yeah. And I feel like, well, that's, I don't, how about dude, there's people that go to different levels to take a bath. That, I want to focus on that part. Because that is. But that's a thing though. What it is? You know, remember we, I'm gonna go upstairs i gotta go to the

bathroom who does the bathroom right here who does that oh i have clear memories of people doing it oh okay yeah i mean i don't our uncle did it once at our house uh well i guess they do it because i think they think it's gonna smell right okay but i do it wherever the closest bathroom is if you do that and no one is at the if if you do it... If you want to go to a different floor of the domicile in which you are currently... Don't say domicile, but yeah. ...existing with others, and there's no one else at that level...

Scientific, yeah. ...then that's a respect thing. I cannot understand. If there are people on that level, you're just making other people smell your shit. It's not better. It's still making... That's actually ruder, I think. Yeah.

Oh, I see what you're saying. So it's like, if they were going to go to the third floor, nobody was on the third floor. Of course that makes sense. That's respectful. If you're going to go to the third floor, there are just other people there. I'm sure if she thinks it's annoying, other people notice it. So when that guy comes off the elevator, as soon as you see him, tell everybody before everybody go oh here we go that's a good that would be awesome shaming in this instance is in this instance very viable very viable yeah that's a good idea when he gets off the elevator

ding if you know the person who shits ding this person's gonna take a big shit it's gonna smell really bad as they walk by going to the bathroom. I mean, yeah, that's a little more aggressive. What did you say? Oh, here we go. Oh, but that's not enough. He'll get it, though. But then you got room, though, to go somewhere. Okay. You know what I'm saying?

You do that. You see what his face looks like. And if he still does it, then you go, oh, here comes the shitter. Guy's going to shit in our fucking third floor. Right. You probably can't get rid of that. He's probably doing something that he shouldn't be doing honestly if the company really thought about it yeah or is it a different company on the first floor which would be crazy dude if it's like a coke and then a pepsi

on the top and it's just part of the soda wars and the guy's eating panda express too all sorts of fucking bad shit it's just disgusting dude yeah Tell them they're disgusting. Ah, man. Hey, you're disgusting, dude. Yeah. I mean, I would. If I knew the person well enough, I would. It's not the same person eating the Panda Express that goes up. No, because that's the person she works with.

No, no, no. That person's also on the third floor. Cool. All right. Well, we figured it out, and we're welcome for the advice. Complain to management about the shitting, too, if you want to. Yeah, or just go to HR and say he's molesting you. Make everyone put up signs and say please do the dookies on your own floor what if that was the sign throughout the course everyone remember

dookie on your floor is accepted and only that on the elevator i mean worded so terribly dookie on your floor is only accepted is accepted on your floor and only that i said right you did say that okay all i can do is shit all right next one hi matt hi chris chris i've been a baby for a really long time matt i think i'm just in love with you so okay here's my situation i live alone but i have these really cool downstairs neighbors um and i know for a fact that they smoke weed every single night and we're cool like we've exchanged numbers and stuff um but my question is can i text them to like smoke weed with me sometime because i do i don't smoke often like them but i when i do want to smoke weed i don't want to do it alone but But is it like crossing an apartment neighbor boundary? Does it make it weird if they don't want to?

And then like, I don't know, you know, they don't want to come out of their house or something. Let me know. I'm just like Chris in that I think everyone hates me until I know that they don't. So, yeah. I would love your advice. Thank you advice so she she basically it's not that she wants to even what a lovely person be higher smoke weed yeah she certainly seems like it but she um has doubts what has doubts no what if she just closed the computer and then she just goes um no but she she just wants to like partake in the time. You know?

Totally. She's like, ah, dude, that sounds fun. Just smoking and toking and hitting that fucking, you know what I mean? Chocolate tie. Just taking a little puff of that sticky icky. So if I'm smoking weed. Ooh, damn. That purple good shit. Okay, you know?

Okay, but I'm just saying it's better. If it's purple, it means it's good. I've heard that. Justin McKinnon told me that when I was younger. Wow. Justin McKibben was smoking weed when you knew him? He knew about weed, yeah. Wasn't it McKibben? McKinnon. me that when I was younger wow Justin McKinnon was smoking weed when you knew him he knew about weed yeah wasn't it McKinnon

McKinnon Jordan with a slant dude wasn't that him that was him right yeah dude god damn dude

have you talked about that Marco do you know about that you know about Jordan with a slant yeah yeah Jordan with a slant dude well I mean obviously

only from you guys oh yeah we weren't there because it wasn't um a national yeah yeah story when it when it happened daily news and just mckinnon in moncton new jersey kept saying jordan and with the slam it was just 10 year old in new jersey wait wasn't it mckibben it was fucking mckinnon dude why are you saying it like that because i already said it clearly i didn't know you answered okay you fucking kid dude absolutely get i absolutely take it down you're too mad you'll absolutely

what you're just too mad though dude you're too mad though so hold on you asked a question didn't listen for the answer or what i did i did but you asked i thought you skipped the answer and asked him about do you know it's mckinnon okay okay wow okay all right so it's mckibben justin mckibben no no no and and he would uh and and we were it was his birthday and i went everyone's gonna sleep over i didn't sleep over because i i didn't want to sleep over because you were scared i was scared at that moment i would get scared yeah because he loved freddy krueger right so oh him and chris siegel they like freddy krueger what can i story comes out so um chris siegel was kind of smelly right no okay i'm thinking of somebody died died we hit a bernie so um so so he said uh so we were watching on his birthday we were

watching the bulls play and he loved the chicago bulls i remember i used to wear jersey for no reason he loved the chicago bulls you know like a fucking jack a lot of people like that the bulls were a thing the bulls were and the cowboys outside chicago cowboys in the 90s both of those teams in the 90s people could be like in alabama being like i love the bulls like for no steelers are like that too but anyway um so what nothing irish nothing nothing so so he so we were watching the bulls the bulls yeah starting alive and so he doubles and he said he jordan did a thing you know either slam dunked or was on his way and he's like jordan with the slam and nobody did anything about it because he was just doing it yeah and then he just did it so many times every time jordan got the ball he would just like jordan

with the slam damn that's cool and there were like 12 people there and i was like all right i didn't have anyone i could lock eyes with and be like the fuck is this guy no one else said anything about probably the first time i ever thought about looking at someone else and being like the fuck is this guy doing you know i'm so young jordan with the slam dude how did i we didn't, how insane is it? How, I am so blessed, and I mean this, that I went to that party for that memory that has lived with me for 30 years. And I have been doing Jordan with the Slam for 30 years. And it has brought me joy.

More than 30 years, really weird. And I would love for justin mckinnon to reach out we should have him on the show i think i tried to find him once god what is he doing now there's probably like there's a lot there's a lot but um yeah dude and i think quad deer was the only one that was like he keeps saying jordan with the slam i don't but that's it quad deer quad deer was really really tiny guy with glasses damn. I don't remember Quadir. Quadir was a really, really tiny guy with glasses. Damn. Yeah, I don't remember him at all.

And he was black. His name's Quadir, but yeah. I remember most of your friends. Teddy. Omar. Those guys were awful. Bro, I haven't thought about Teddy in so long. Teddy was the man.

Omar. Omar. Omar Pitts. There was Omar Pitts. I'm talking about Holt. Holt. Omar Holt. I have kept in touch with him up until last year.

I mean, this is so boring for everybody, but anyway. No, let's go through everybody. What about Teddy Chandler? Teddy Chandler's younger sister, Tatiana, was a migrator. And Kevin Nelson. Okay. Let's go to the next one.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We didn't even answer a question, dude. Okay, cool. All right. The next guy's on Coke so much, I can't even believe it. Yeah, for sure. I can't believe how much

the first second of that guy was on so much Coke, it's unbelievable. So stay tuned for that. And being chased by cops in his it while they made the video submission and the submission the advice is nothing about that yeah all right cool so this woman so what do you do about pancakes and then if i'm smoking weed with the person i live with and oh yeah we didn't even answer it and a neighbor that i like texts me and says,

oh, I can smell the weed. Can I come over and smoke with you? I'm all about it. I'm super stoked. I'm happy. I say, yes, come over. And it's more fun because that person's there. So this is a good thing for her to figure out

if somebody actually really likes her, you're saying. Right. If I don't like the person, I not only am like, oh no, I'm like, oh, I feel like intruded upon. I feel like I can't smoke anymore. They're going to smell it and know, and they're going to want to come over. It's a big thing.

It's like, it's like a big leap basically asking them to do it. But the thing is, if they're down for it, they really, really will be happy about you joining them. If they're not down for it, they'll be like stressed out every time they put a joint to the lips so it's a judgment call i'm assuming they like you because you seem like someone that is generally liked by people so my guess would be yeah ask them but ask them like in between sessions right like be like i've noticed you guys smoke i love to smoke ask me over next time you do it don't do it while they're stoned because that's the other thing you could freak people out when

they're stoned and they could be like uh is she a narc is she a cop not paying attention at all this is what you do you legit don't do any of that next Next. No, I'm kidding. You just, you don't ask. You're downstairs neighbors. Open your window and just. And then go pause it and reach out the window and say, what? Okay. And they say, what? Oh, sorry, I thought you said something.

And then? No, i didn't i know that would definitely i would understand that as oh would you um do you want to come smoke but that would be so roundabout and so weird dude even if you did even if the person did understand as you're suggesting now that i would get and then close it what yeah no i didn't say anything i just oh oh what are you guys doing play this out we're just we're just hanging out smoking weed dude that's so funny i was just playing bob marley i love i love i love weed that's fucking hilarious anyway dude i'm gonna go oh you don't have to go no no okay see ya good night good night you planted the seed right next time this time take it take it for the team the next time they go they they light it up

dude and then fucking you do it again it was a different song dude light it up when they light it up no dude no this is all wrong all you do light it up when they light it up no dude no this is all wrong all you do here we go when they light it up just all these hip-hop songs are the night you start with something else yeah dude that was the thing back then um the chronic uh so here's the deal you don't have to ask them while they're stoned ask them next time you run into them or just text them during the day sometime and be like hey next time you guys smoke i would love to come hang out yes dude absolutely yes even because they'll still they still might be oh no you could still feel i know but you're giving them the chance

to not feel intruded upon by being like hey i smell it i know down but i know but if you say to them hey dude you guys want to smoke weed tonight yeah that might be good yeah but yeah okay oh we're gonna do it anyway come on down our house could totally do that yeah or now yeah nah and then if they smoke anyway then they know that oh it's just their thing fuck yeah dude I come up with great advices, dude. I mean. What's that song name? That's the one I wanted to use. I never know that song name, dude.

That's. It's the D-O-double-G. Let's just keep going until we get the title. Next episode, dude. On the Chronic 2000, right? Case to case him next episode is it really he's probably wrong oh there we go dude that's what it is bro hey dude they start smoking weed and just open your window dude as soon as you smell it dude i used to freestyle to that song in high school there's nothing whiter honestly isn't that hilarious dude yo yo dude one time with mitchell

we were we were freestyling and he goes what the fuck is one of his lines oh babies is the ladies dude and i i had to pull over bro babies is the labies i had to pull over you know when you get so caught up you just start yeah dude he said babies is the labies dude that's really funny i had to pull over and that is another jordan with the slime i always think of it dude yeah pulling out two of them right now so yeah dude i love those things you never know when they're gonna happen you don't they're the best more of them happen but i guess that's what makes them so special exactly last one that happened i don't know sometimes you need time to gestate for sure yeah you know for sure for sure for sure i remember the last one that happened what i think what was it this look at this some

was it that one no actually you know that one recent i think so maybe i've talked about that my dad we were playing the game we were playing i forget the name of the game it was something like taboo or whatever though where you get a card and it's the thing you need to convey and then there's the words under it that you can't say to try to convey it right yes and my dad got magician and he was like because there's a clock on it and he couldn't think of it fast enough so he just he goes look at this that's cool it was that's good it was absolutely dude oh at that same time he hit his fucking foot too which was great that was oh god he tripped a little bit fuck families dude yeah oh what a what a time what was the last one you had think about these back at home oh a guy i know do i know about this one no oh

man i love when i know about it was talking about how uh the guy I know was talking about how on set he's a guy that works in crews on movie sets okay and he's talking about how he

people get like close to him too close to him sometimes yeah and he says and as he's relaying

the story to me he's like and I'm just like get out of my rice bowl what and I was like I was like wait what does it mean rice bowl. What? And I was like, I was like, wait, what did you just say? And he was like, get out of my rice bowl.

I was like, what are you? I don't know what that means, man. Like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know, like you're someone's like up in your rice bowl. I guess it kind of makes sense. Like you got your own bowl. Chill out. I think that out racist though

oh maybe well i mean if there's an asian trying to interrupt you that's what i'm saying like it's just like you have to pick something why are you adding an ethnicity get out of my burrito but make sure there's no mexicans around right well that's what i mean like why are you getting into my pizza get out of my get out of my space just say that right like rice bowl i'm going to do rice okay let's do get out of my rice get out of my rice bowl i guess that rice bowl i'm gonna do rice okay let's get out of my rice get out of my rice bowl yeah i guess that rice bowl isn't necessarily an asian dish yeah that's actually true yeah cuisine but why get out of my cream of some young guy but why rice well isn't that a wayne's world yeah dude remember wayne's world cream of some young god wow dude Wayne's World is hilarious I know dude

wow ah fuck remember when Rob Lowe would do the thing and he spoke I speak Cantonese remember that yeah dude

god damn we're off the rails but yeah that's good for the weed thing real quick we should have people send in those things their things

oh I'm afraid that they won't be that good but like cause you really need to be there for the thing yeah but i'm afraid that they won't be that good but like because you you really need to be there for the thing yeah but but i'm afraid they won't be like people need to sell it if they're gonna say they really need to do it do it but sell it yeah don't just be someone as i one time if they could do it yeah yeah okay yeah you might as well send them in all right cool now here's the thing before we get to the next one i'm in the middle of a root canal oh yeah the first

part done on friday got my last part done yesterday my next part's my last part's doing thursday but guess what today i'm in immense pain all right let's do the next one let's do the next one dude what why is there three levels it's not a video game no it's because it's because they can't do it all at once it's's like too much to do. Time-wise? No, no, no, no. Although that would be a lot. Drama-wise? Yeah.

What? Yeah. How long were you in this? About two hours both times. Crazy. Dude, I'm in the best pain. What's the pain level with your mouth? Right now?

Yeah, I can get you some Oxycontin. If I'm just like this, three. If I'm talking, five of them eating like wow hitting the top of the thing i can get you some moxicon dude rice bowl is a thing i mean i'm good rice bowl is a thing oh i got the giggles bro is it yeah what does it say it says a task performed by a specific individual group or a protected job project program etc oh well then why didn't you explain it an example i don't need jim i can change the tire myself but bob you got to get let jim fix it that's his rice bowl oh why didn't he explain it better oh he used the term wrong

though he's not even using no that sounds like he did though you know it sounds like he was doing the right the right out of my rice bowl because you're talking too close to me that's wrong yeah well unless you know if he met you're saying if he meant it like get out of my domain right yeah okay yeah right right job right well he certainly didn't explain that to me so but maybe he doesn't know how it's used and he knows it wrong and he just does it whenever that's extremely knowing him that is extremely likely right got it yeah yeah yeah uh great guy though wow what was i gonna say god damn it i had another thing about my root canal or what right now i can get you some oxy right now about a five i'm good man thank you

because it's addictive highly addictive it is and there's a huge thing going on in 1996 to like 2000 i mean it's kind of still going on it's usually turned into fentanyl but yeah but oxycontin was the thing it's usually still going it's kind of still going on. It's hugely still going on. It turned into fentanyl, but yeah, but OxyContin was the thing. It's hugely still going on. It's heroin. Fentanyl is a hundred times, no, a thousand times stronger than morphine, which is even stronger than OxyContin.

How is that even possible? OxyContin is a hundred times more potent than morphine. Really? Yeah. Damn. And so they, oh, dude, dude i've been watching the thing you know oh actually everything on it like i watched painkiller then i watched dope sick and then i watched the documentaries i saw all this shit but man it is so crazy that they thought dude there's

a time release thing it's yeah i know yeah and they were like well the good thing is the dose doesn't go into you it goes into you it releases as you need it for 12 hours right but dude you put it in your mouth and you swallow it and then it releases dude people were just snorting it yeah and that obviously that's a way to get beyond it okay is that obvious i guess i wouldn't it is when somebody decides to do it and then they just spread the information right okay you know the company's new dude that shit that blows my mind dude okay but you know what i mean oxycontin but we're doing this now and i'm just saying but oxycontin is crazy how that shit went as part of the control now it's fentanyl yes did you ever see the videos of the cop that are like let's see what we got here they open a bag and then they're just like

are those real i hate when people say that but i've seen that and i don't know if those are real a fentanyl a little piece of fentanyl go like it's like the uh forest gum feather you're just at the park playing with your kids Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun. Why is this in Forrest Gump? You know? Why did we blend those together?

Why are those together? I know, I know. Well, what else floats? The bag in American Beauty? You can pick whatever you want. But, dude, a fucking dope fiend dude in the park and a library three they don't even use libraries anymore three blocks away this guy over here outside the kookaroo gets lucky just talking to his friend that Kids on the swing. Yan, dun, dun, dun. And they brush each other.

Yan, dun, dun, dun. That's not what happens. You know what I mean? If that happened, it would never be made ever. What happened to my kid? It's not going to happen to your kid. Guy did fentanyl three blocks away outside the library. No.

A milligram of fentanyl can kill you, though, for sure. See? If you don't use it ever if you've never used it before well a kid never uses it your kid a kid a kid a kid's not gonna oh i see what you're saying that's not what happens though it doesn't float through the air and then go into his nose and then he dies this is not this is not a thing you know it is a real scourge the guy at the kukuru would get lucky though if that happened yeah it might get all right all right next one for real the guy in the car getting away this guy is on one second of coke it is one second immediately he's so yacked out yeah and

the cops are following him and it's unreal dude he's in florida he hasn't slept in 70 days he's definitely in florida 70 hours sorry 70 days 70 hours 70 hours it's incredible 70 days it's incredible it's all incredible yeah yeah yeah he has coke on his lip right there yeah he does all right i'm at the beach so don't judge me uh but anyway i had a moment today that made me laugh and i'm like oh my god you guys are rubbing off on me for sure through the podcast um there were these two women that were like talking really loudly having this i killed them private conversation but like around everybody else talking about money how much they're making the drama at work all this

stuff that's like you know you've at first I was like oh I'm gonna like try to not listen and then I was like f that I was like I'm going to I'm gonna listen harder now I'm gonna get closer yeah I'm gonna I might even chime in yeah you know what I mean I might even be oh really really 80,000 oh crazy that's that's wild you know what i mean and i was like this is something that maybe chris and matt would do so anyway maybe the question would be what do you all do when people are talking and having like private conversations in public thanks guys you rock so hold on so this guy did he actually say stuff to them? Him? Yeah. I don't think so. Okay, so he just got closer.

Listen, so I understand that. Also, I cannot believe how much he would be in fucking movies in 2002. Yeah. With that face. Bro. He got a third lead. You missed it. In an indie about kids who by mistake-

In a movie with Seth Green. No, in a movie with Seth Green. By mistake ended up driving a car with drugs in the trunk dude that's the and crossing the border that is the most that is yeah that is one of the best calls ever on lifeline that's unreal and scott khan would be in it too that is unreal that is on that is uncock sucking real that that that that that call that guy would be in a movie yeah that was oh wow 2003 and so many flannels in that movie yeah but yeah dude puka shell oh yeah you know yeah you know he didn't even have a puka shell necklace on but he did yeah i agree so

what do we do i i mean i i tell you what. People that I'm with get really annoyed with me because I'll be like, shh, to them because I want to listen to the people that I don't know that are being too loud. Yeah, I've been there too. And I find I actually completely understand why they get mad at me for that because that is so annoying. If I'm talking and someone tells me to shush

because they want to listen to strangers, I would be mad too but i i can't help it i love love love love listening to strangers i have binoculars at home i spy on neighbors i kind of that's illegal no i have it is illegal but they've never caught me so okay you do the math okay i live in a house that's kind of like looking down okay this is illegal into like a canyon, but the homes are like beneath me on the streets below. I'm just like this. Okay, so it's illegal. Looking into windows, looking into bedrooms. Do you have a telescope?

No, I don't want to get a telescope. Okay, well. Too clunky. You got to be able to run. You got to be able to run away. Yeah, you can't do that. I mean, you know sexual what was that you know when you let the tripod down with the thing

the air comes up yeah dude and then you run into the fentanyl and you die okay so um i guess oh there you know sometimes you know what i do that is the truth and this is just like that is when i'm in line and there's somebody that is too close behind me okay because it happens we're like what this is so close right yeah yeah yeah i back up very slowly yeah that's good into them until i'm touching them that's good and i wait for them to move that's good good job and it's good because it's it's not really that confrontational it's effective i'm sure but it's not like turning around say hey excuse me, excuse me, can you back up? I want in my fantasy, I want them to be like, what are you doing? And then you do what?

And I say, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so close. That's good. Because then they get it. They might get it on the ride home. Oh, fuck. I was too close. I love that you're counting on them getting it.

And that's what you like about it. I have a fantasy. This is above any sexual fantasy, above above any sexual fantasy above any victory fantasy above any career fantasy i have a fantasy i have a fantasy that i think of all the time oh boy okay and i won't stop thinking of it because i can't yeah okay i get that yeah my eyes fall upon oh some man's shoes and i like them i like his shoes okay and i catch them and i'm watching and i look at his shoes that dude walks up to me and says yo man what the fuck are you looking at right and then i say oh i was just admiring your shoes uh-huh and that's the fantasy that's it yeah that's the whole fantasy bro i think about it all the time what is the

what what even is that because i want that guy oh you think that i'm a like get pissed off and then realize he's the asshole i mean if someone got someone got pissed at that, they'd be such an asshole. I know. But then I compliment them. Even if you had something shitty to say. I always say, I was admiring your shoes. Admiring. I always...

You don't always say that. You've never doubted it. This has never happened to you. No, in my fantasy, I always say that. I just want to be clear about that. Yeah. It's never happened, and I think about it.

Do you go around staring at people's shoes by any chance? No, no. Well, I mean, I definitely look at people's shoes because I like well i mean i i definitely look at people's shoes i like shoes right right so that's how the fantasy you should do that you should try it out stare at people's shoes more even if you don't like them just get that fantasy i don't think it'll ever be as good as the fantasy oh wow protecting yourself okay protecting your dreams

i get it i i legit think about that at least i would a few times a month i think about that you're crazy you're an insane person is that crazy it's just it's just not a thing i know I get it. Bro, I legit think about that at least, I would, a few times a month, I think about that. You're crazy. You're an insane person. Is that crazy, bro? It's just not a thing. I know. It's not a thing. People have fantasies of like having sex with twins and shit.

Not me, dude. I mean, I, you know, I've had those fantasies. I've done it, but I'm just saying I haven't done that. But I'm just saying, I haven't done the shoe thing either. No, you should get to stepping. I, no time was in line. I used to love the sandwiches at Vons at the counter. This is a either. No, you should get to stepping. I, one time I was in line. I used to love the sandwiches at Vons at the counter. This is a fantasy?

This is real. There's a guy that was too close to me from behind me. And then I was putting my stuff on the conveyor belt. And the guy that was too close behind me went like this. Like they say, this is my sandwich. And he went like this. Huh. Oh.

No. You got it at the counter no yeah touch my shit and i couldn't believe it i was so in disbelief i i hit it out of his hand really yeah dude how old are you oh this was like i was in my 20s okay so hold on so obviously the sandwich is wrapped up of course yeah but that's still crazy. Still so crazy. That's so weird to touch something that like gives and it's soft like that. And I hit it. I hit it. I was like, don't fucking touch my food.

And he, it was fucked up because he immediately went, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I realized he like has boundary issues. Oh, so you're a bad guy. I like triggered him. Yeah. You're a bad guy.

Yeah. He was obviously autistic or something and you're a bad person. I don triggered him. So you're a bad guy. Yeah. He was obviously autistic or something and you're a bad person. I don't know what it was, but something. Could have been Asperger's. He didn't realize the boundary. Could have been too much Oxycontin. I didn't realize the boundary. He didn't realize the boundary was crossing.

Yeah. And when I did that, he felt actually bad. And then I was like, oh, no, I'm sorry. This was like my instinct. Oh, my God. You know what Kirsten would have done? Oh, here, have it. Have a sandwich.

What else do you want to buy? Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Open it. Chew. Bite, would have done? Oh, here, have it. Have a sandwich. What else do you want to buy? Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Open it. Chew. Bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, eat this.

Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite.

Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite, bite.

Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite.

Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite, bite. Here, bite. Here. Okay. I need advice. I'm starting school next week and I'm already kind of nervous about it,

but I read my like reviews for my professors and my math teacher has horrible reviews. Like horrible. Every single one is like the lowest rating and they all say she's really mean and everybody fails her class and she's just like not a good teacher. So my question is, do I go in like kissing her ass? Like, do I bring cookies or something? Or do I go in with more of like a don't fuck with me vibe? I don't think the don't fuck with me vibe is going to work because I don't really naturally

give that vibe off. But I don't know, dude, I'm just spitballing here so whatever you got please help go on with go in the room with sunglasses and be blaring this i mean the solution to everything no see i don't know i don't i don't know why i don't know what makes me this way but when i read i'm not in school anymore but like when i read reviews of a thing before i experienced it for myself you can review teachers that's crazy i always always always think these are not right i'll figure it out yeah it is true though because so much of it depends on how you are yeah it does right yeah the person to react in the way that they're being described in the reviews. But what you're saying is very true.

You cannot take an online review seriously. Yeah. You can't, dude, even if there's hundreds of them. This could have become a thing, and then people hate, and then they make a thing, and then... Totally. Yeah, dude, truthfully. So what I would suggest is go in the first day like you would anything yeah yeah pay close attention what can often happen is if you're aware that you know the teacher is usually hates

her students or his students or whatever uh you can if you want to be be the one that they don't hate pretty easily because you can just observe what they're hating about all the other students and be a different way at least in the 50 minutes that you're in front of them for it's not hard to be a kid a teacher likes you know if you want if that's something you care about you know uh but yeah mean teachers so Yeah, that's when people were like, when Ellen, everyone's like, take Ellen down. It's like, why? She's a mean boss. Dude, bosses are mean. Almost all of them are mean.

Teachers, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, there are good teachers and there are nice bosses, but dude. Oh, well, actually. Sorry, Ellen's mean? But I would say, no shit she's mean. Yeah, no shit she's mean. She's one of the richest people in the world. Of course she's fucking mean. And she's super famous. Of course she's mean. Yeah, no shit she's mean. She's one of the richest people in the world. Of course she's fucking mean.

And she's super famous. Of course she's mean. Exactly, dude. Thank you. And chill the fuck out. But this is different because she's not trying to get the person fired. No, no, no. I know.

I know. She's just like, I'm nervous. I know. I know. I bet she's not as bad as the producer. She's not. You're making it. You're romanticizing it.

And also. Well, she's not romantic. She's scared of it. Romanticizing means just heightening it. It's not like she can go in there and kiss her. her off her feet hey darling hi how are you i heard you're mean but i don't believe any of it narrows the word mush here's some cookies wow here's an apple ew don't do that you've done that before i do it all the time i don't want you to do that's what you do when you kiss no okay well it is but no one wants to see that you know there are

probably some people that want to maybe some but not most people don't look i'm about to do it look away all right but i gotta do this too because i don't want to hear it either all right see hearing it's even grosser to be honest uh yeah i don't know you're all right man it's gonna be fine and also who cares if she's mean yeah you know what i'm saying it's all about the work it's about the work right because here's the other thing too i used to get pissed off i used to get pissed off at hecklers i used to get pissed off at them genuinely during the show and my friend was like, careful with that because you're just exacerbating what's happening. It's a ripple effect of negative, of negativity for everybody else there. Right.

So like a heckler stands up, says something, they ruin the show. Me getting pissed off about it. And I don't even mean putting it in a place, but just having that in my head, that negativity, it's lessening the show yeah me getting pissed off about it and i don't even mean putting it on place but just having that in my head that negativity it's lessening the show for everyone yeah okay you i've got to drop that if i'm truly about it when they heckle i'm like do not do that you're ruining for everyone else if i'm truly about that life yeah then i gotta be truly about the home life when i'm on stage but also still killing right, right? Okay. So many things, you know? So many lives to be about. Yeah.

Yeah. It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Worst advice. Don't, like, just don't go into it being a different person than you are. That's going to get you in trouble

in all scenarios always. Go away and be yourself. Pay close attention to the teacher and decide for yourself if she's going to be a problem or he's going to be great or whatever the fuck, you know? Oh, by the way,

I'm going to be in Charlotte coming up here and I'm going to be in Little Rock, Arkansas. And your boy's going to be in Knoxville and Nashville and Canada. ChrisDelia.com for tickets.

So that's it. MattDelia.com for one-on-one sessions with me, your boy, Pimpin' Pimpin'. Get in there. Make an appointment with me yeah we'll probably very likely save your life but no guarantees okay well that yeah maybe not this is a comedy podcast but uh go to the patreon lifeline luxury patreon.com slash lifeline luxury it's great it's growing it's awesome and we do at least two episodes extra a month uh and they've just

been firing all over the place man they've been really just coming and blasting all over the place. If you have a question, just click the description. We've got a hotline and also go to the email thing. And that's it. We also have merch, lifelinemerch.com. And that's it. I appreciate you guys. Like and subscribe, baby.