Lifeline - 73. Lifelineissimo

Episode Date: September 3, 2023

LIFELINE LUXURY is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. New episode today! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. Today we're discussing nostrilissimos, when you disliske someone for being too nice, when a romantic overture Is not accepted, when you're wondering what this life is all about, how to help yor partner with their cooking skills, how to get your house painted, and if you should cotinue to pursue your partner If she has literally switched sexual orientation (hint: no). 📆 Book 20 min or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. We started. I'm so nervous to talk about Mark. Well, do you want to have your thing? Yeah, I did.

I wanted to exhibit it. The guy's name is Mark. Oh. Does everybody see my nose? Yeah, I see it. Okay. It actually makes you sound different. Dude, I know because it clears my nostrilisimos.

And when it clears my nostrilisimos, I feel better. You guys can see it because you see my nostrilsisimos, I feel better. You guys can see it because you see my nostrils look big, like they're flaring up. You see the little rubber thing on the bottom. It's clear. You can't really tell. But if you know me, you can tell because I look different. It opens up my nostrilisimos so I can breathe.

Everything would be so boring if you just didn't say nostrilisimos, you know? Well, I did say nostrilisimos because I know how to entertain people. Nostrilisimos, a fucking Italian psychic. All right, I'm taking it out now. Okay. I mean, you know, hiding to a child.

Magic trick, magic trick. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, dude. This is Lifeline and we have a new This is Lifeline. And we have a new episode of Lifeline today. And it's amazing. So that's great. Go to crystalia.com to get tickets.

I'm on tour, right? When's this one come out? I got to be in Canada. That's pretty much sold out except for Ottawa, I think. Ottawa, the frig? Get tickets, everybody. Ottawa, what the frig are you thinking? I'll be in Cleveland, and I will be in...

Yeah, keep it moving, obviously, you know, because it's already Pittsburgh, Detroit, Orlando, Fort Myers, Richmond, Virginia. That's the one I can remember. Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Redding, Pennsylvania. ChrisLeah.com, get tickets. Like and subscribe we'd love it if you uh were a uh what do you call it on lifeline luxury we got patreon.com

slash lifeline luxury uh that's where we got our our um other well it's this podcast just with bat and i and no no uh what do you call it uh guest submissions the thing about that show is that it keeps getting better the very last episode which might be the second last by the time this airs um was bellissimo yeah all right a lot of isimos and then um uh you can go to get the one-on-one vice session with matt at mattalia.com and send us a submission by clicking the thing below in the link. And the merch, lifelinemerch.com. Got to get the merch. Got to get every piece of the merch, otherwise you don't count.

Well, that's very, very hardcore. They don't count in what life? You don't count in my heart. If you have a couple, you're doing good. You're getting close to counting in my heart if you have them all you count and you're honestly my beloved you're among my below not only do they count they're one of your beloveds yeah okay so be one of matt's beloveds exactly yeah so uh oh i didn't bring the painting somebody painted us oh i saw i saw i got her name was britney something that's cool i gotta

i'll bring it uh two things one you forget richmond which bothers me because richmond should be the one that you remember because it's the word that a lot of people are saying now because that guy oliver anthony who sings rich men north of rich is that where i'm gonna be yeah so you're gonna be right there if you go north you better watch out the rich men will try to take all of your money rich men of rich Richmond? They will tax you, and there will be, as he says, people who are 5'3 and 300 pounds on welfare trying to take your money. Yep. That's the lyrics of his song.

What if that was how it was, and it wasn't that they were trying to go through the system to get money? They were literally like, hey, give me your money. Right. And then they would take it and then roll away. Wow. Is there anyone that's 5'3 and 300 pounds? In his song, there are.

Do you think that there is, though, for real? I mean, at least one, right? There's got to be a handful. That'd be like, what do you call it? The Spawns villain, Violator. Yes. Violator. Yeah, Violator.

Violator was the scariest comic book villain. Yeah, he was. And even John Leguizamo was scary when he did it. He was. He was really good in it. John Leguizamo was a good actor. Dude he is there was uh they're gonna disagree there was uh my whole life kind of like love and life love and life i love and i don't know i love and life there was a line from something that i didn't know oh no you're gonna ask people to know no i

found out and don't act like that would be bad if I did that, though. That's cool that I would. Well, I just like, you know, use Google for the thing, not our audience, right? Obviously, I would try. Anyway, somebody saved my life on Houseguest. You don't need to save my life this time because I figured it out on my own thanks to nobody else. So it was a villain saying the name Kincaid like this. Kincaid.

Isn't that Robocop? No, it was the cartoon Sp violator oh violator was saying and when i discovered what it was actually a friend of mine showed up to me because well i needed help and he did it for me thank you well so far thank you ben so far that's the most this is the most boring the podcast has ever been now listen to this stuff so and that's fine because we got our diehards you know what i'm saying now we got our diehards and they're still listening but this is the most boring the podcast i've ever made you know i mean we're talking about kincaid and spawn we're talking about i don't even remember honestly so that's great talk about oliver anthony and everybody else is talking about that so it's

not that bad that is true and oliver anthony is a good singer and he's a good singer everybody's mad at him now though because he called america a melting pot and all the people who were supporting him and loving him on the right they're mad right dude yeah like that's not why is that even controversial no it is a melting pot it just is whether you like it or not there's a lot of people from a lot of different places i mean that was reagan's whole thing like if you're on the right you love reagan come on everybody so what's the deal he just want it's white people that are like or what i don't understand people on the white people that are like... Or what? I don't understand. It's people on the far right that are like, it's not a melting pot.

He was saying it in a positive light. So if he was like, it's a melting pot, and I hate that, they would have liked that. Well, yeah, but only... Still, though, don't you think that's a fringe of people? It just seems like everybody's mad at him? Oh, sure. But Twitter makes it always seem like that. Right, right, right.

But a ton of people on twitter were ganging up on him being like oh we thought you were our hero but you think america's a melting pot and that's a good thing so we hate you got it yeah like a lot of christian nationalists because people freakazoids yeah we're like that because people don't like me on twitter but i go out on and on the street and everyone stops me and takes pictures and shit did you know that that's real life twitter is not real life isn't that crazy i just someone just did it right now it happens to me too so it's not even a thing see so i don't even listen to no but it happens so i don't even listen to people when they say something to me like no shit we know

i'm like oh maybe they're talking to me and i don't know but some guy i all of a sudden i kept hearing the talk and i'm walking here i kept hearing the talk like come on man he's like i know you heard me and i'm like oh wait what and i turn around i love your podcast man and i'm walking here. I kept hearing the talk. He's like, come on, man. He's like, I know you heard me. And I'm like, oh, wait, what? And I turn around. He's like, I love your podcast, man. And I'm like, oh, shit. He's like, can I get a picture? And I was like, sure. And I took a picture. And then he stood there and I was like, cool. Well, thank you, man. And then I walked over here.

Now who's boring? I was trying to fit with the theme. The last time someone recognized me it was these two women and they were like doing like this. Were they rabbits? Looking at me, yeah. And they were like doing like this. Were they rabbits? Looking at me, yeah. And they were eating little pieces of lettuce. And I noticed them and I was like, what do I got?

Like, it happens to me not enough that every time it happens, I think like I got something on my face or something. You know what I mean? It doesn't happen, huh? I just said it. I just literally just said it does. Never? But it doesn't happen as much as it does to like truly famous people because obviously I'm not that.

Okay. And I obviously should be that, but I'm not. But yeah. I think I should be famous. Yeah, I should be famous. And then it turned out they knew who I was and they were like, oh, he's the greatest. And I was like, oh, I know that you think that. And a lot of people think that, but I don't think that about myself.

Okay. A lot of people think I'm the greatest. If this was a real conversation, it would be the weirdest conversation. They'd be like, okay. But yeah. I was like, do you guys want a picture of me? They were like, yeah, we obviously do. I was like, okay.

Wow. Weirdest poses. I mean, you know? Bad. Hold your tits. um game that was gamerville dude gamerville so that was like myspace days right that was myspace there was a guy that we saw his profile and he was like this gamerville and his thing the thing under was called gamerville and it was game it was a high school picture though which is what i remember he had a bright yellow buttoned up collared shirt on and he was super handsome yeah and he was like a teenager though and he posed like this

super serious and yeah hey dude we can't but we can't get out of the boringness right now we cannot get out of the boringness we're stuck in a fucking quicksand of boringness this is boring as shit dude i'm actually getting upset. How do we make it better? This podcast is right now. This episode is the legit most boring episode we've ever done out of 60 episodes. I don't think so. I think it's really good so far.

No, I really do. That's crazy. We've been laughing. We're having fun. Everybody, they're laughing. Yeah, but you think it's you did the poses. That was good. That was good.

But like, you know, ever since Nostral but you think it's... You did the poses. That was good. That was good. But like, you know, ever since Nostralisimo, it's been downhill. I guess the poses were good. Nostralisimo was good, yeah. But come on, dude. I'm getting upset, man. All right. Well, then let's start submissions.

I guess so, but we should be more entertaining. Do you want to get entertaining before we start? I don't know. I mean, we don't need that, right? No. I think we're good, though. I think we're being great. All right. All right.

We're being great. All right. All right. We're being great. All right. So let's do the first one. Okay. Here we go. And here we go. Hi, Matt and Chris. I love you both.

Chris, I saw you in November in Boston, and it was an awesome show. I just need some advice. So my brother has been dating this girl for the past two and a half years, and I just don't like her at all. Yeah, I can tell. She's's very very inauthentic she tries really really hard to get me to like her in a really weird people-pleasing way and it just rubs me the wrong way they're around very often twice a week and i'm just looking for some advice on how to tolerate her just to keep a good relationship with my brother. So any advice would help.

Thank you. The only thing she said is, hey guys, I need advice. I don't like my brother's girlfriend. She tries to be too nice. So just based off what she said, that doesn't sound bad. She's the problem.

Yeah. She buys me gifts and she gives me massages. It's really annoying. She always tells me how nice I look. How do I i get rid of her what i did was that like yes that is how i'd be around her but because she's calling with a problem purportedly i would imagine the way she does i understand actually there are people who i've known who want me to like them so bad yeah yeah it makes me hate them well but okay but it doesn't

make you hate them or is it just uncomfortable around them and you're like you don't want to be around them because that's different okay but if it's let's say it's that it's two times a week that's a lot it is but it sounds like this person is a good person right but it's still a good valid question this really bothers her how she's supposed to deal she's not saying like how do i confront you said i really don't like her is what she said fine okay i'm saying the problem at hand is that she's being made uncomfortable by it okay and she wants advice on how to deal with it tell her to chill to hit look you don't need to impress me i already don't like you you're never gonna win me over i mean that would look hey look you suck let's call a spade a spade you suck and let's move on

dude and until my brother gets a new girlfriend i won't be happy so it's all good dude here's the thing i see too much a week what's weird is that that actually would be the best thing for everybody but she can't do that because that's that would not be the best thing that would be breaking the social contract worst thing for every individual no it would be the brother be awful she would cry no and then the person would feel bad about just the first part just the first part where you're like look you don't have to try to impress me i don't like you and i'm not gonna like you but that's fine it's so hardcore dude we could

we could just tolerate each other that everything would be great you don't have to try to make me like you i don't and i'm not gonna that would make things better two envelopes slide one over to her don't like you slide another one over not gonna why do the envelopes because it's so hardcore if you're gonna be hardcore be so hardcore is it like it should be personalized stationary it should be like in really beautiful writing and like a hearts and stuff so it's like oh this is so sweet you know don't like you and then and then not gonna. And the disrespect of not even referring to the first card is the best for the second card. Oh, I have a good, I think you should have a third one.

What? When she reads the second one, she's obviously going to have some kind of reaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to say like something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you just go, uh-uh. Slide over the third one,

and she opens the third one and says, don't bother. Yeah. slide over the third one and the and the third she opens the third one and says don't bother yeah don't waste your breath is even better actually yeah uh just just do you love your brother yes then like it's fine dude she's just you're with her twice you see her twice a week yeah but if you really want like tips on how to handle it dude haven't you experienced life all you got to do is smile nod and then like turn and talk to somebody else two times a week is a lot it is but like you obviously don't want to be mean to her for the sake of your brother is this a deal with it situation is this a hey deal with it the advice is deal with it deal with it i mean kind of but just like yeah i think it's dealing you

have to be only because look if you don't really have a great relation with your brother then all bets are off let loose and let it fly and let her rip and let him have it and let it all hang out right you know so many and let's get it on baby baby you know that's not right all right you want to fuck her no no like let's get it on like let's fight um let's get it on dude and then let's get it on, baby, baby. You know what I'm saying? Well, that's not right. All right. You want to fuck her? No, like, let's get it on. Like, let's fight. Oh, okay. Let's get it on, dude. And then let's get ready to rumble.

I hate you. Hey, I hate you. So disgusting. Doing this for my brother. The kissing. Doing this for my brother. The kissing. Ew.

God damn it. You're such a people pleaser. The worst kisser in the world. The worst kisser in the world The worst kisser in the world Yeah Deal with it That's my favorite thing I do Here's my advice

Here's my advice Grow up No Rate my hair Quick rate my hair Eight Really? Seven

Anthony dude Seven It's pretty good today Really? Yeah it's good today yeah marco that's as good as it looks whoa oh no no dude has always hated your hair no that's has always wanted to tell you he hates your hair but couldn't because we're live now had an opportunity so he said something that wasn't dishonest no no, no, no. Let me say that again. Okay.

That's the best... Hang on. What am I trying to say? That's the best your hair can look. Still rude. Still rude. That's the best version of your hair. You're so dead.

Still rude. So wait, this is the best my hair can look? Yeah. But the way you're saying it sounds so bad. No, it sounds like you're dealing with a shithead of hair. And he's just like, you're making the best of what you got. Yeah, that is how it sounds. Yeah.

Yeah, that is how it sounds. Hey, hey. It's what it is. Let's raise that for him. All right. Well, okay. All right. So 10 out of 10 for my hair.

But not 10 out of 10 for hair. That's the fucked up part, right? All right. Whatever. Right. It's fine. 10 out of 10 for your hair. 4 out of 10 for hair. doesn't even get on to the actual

right what do you call it rating system when it comes to just hair okay all right all right all right next one i mean yo matt yo chris a guy from so evil makeup that's good just got back from the gym just showing what the gym is made for you know i'm saying bro this guy's so nervous but uh for real in all seriousness could be from lord of the saying bro this guy's so nervous but uh for real in all seriousness could be from lord of the rings honestly this guy is so nervous and this is the way he copes but he has lord of the rings face right yo matt yo chris what's good gonna wrap just show him what the gym is made for you know i'm saying yeah i do but uh but for real in all seriousness uh recently i went to a drive-thru to pick up some food and there was a girl at the drive-thru window who was pretty cute and i wanted to just kind

of give her a compliment i'm just being like hey you're really pretty or whatever and as she was handing me my food i was like hey you're super cute i was like uh thank you for the food uh by the way you're super cute or whatever and immediately, thank you for the food. By the way, you're super cute or whatever. And immediately she was like, oh, OK. Or like not like that. It was more like it was just kind of like a like, OK, like I want to leave kind of thing. And like she wanted to kind of close the drive through window. It was just a really weird response. And I was like really confused because I was like, I don't think I was being weird about it.

And I was like, sorry, I don't I'm not trying to be weird. I just want to compliment or whatever. And then she was like, all right. All right. And like, just like, see, and I was like, OK, like, enjoy your food. Let's see. Bye. You know, it was just very weird.

Yeah. Sounds like it. He was. So I guess I'm just wondering, is like, am I the one being weird? Was she weird with her reaction? Are compliments like that, like, can you give compliments like that? Or are you just kind of straight up? Does the context matter?

A bit. Being a drive-thru or something like that? You think it's weird because it's a drive-thru? Also, I would like to get your guys' general thoughts on compliments as a whole, like how you would go about that and stuff like that. So anyway, thanks so much for your guys' podcast. It's awesome. Thanks, bro.

And yeah, see you later. Thanks, man. Thanks for trailing off. You're a good guy. Yeah. I don't feel like that's weird at all. Oh, thanks. Oh, you're super cute, by the way.

It's not weird, but it's totally understandable that it would make her uncomfortable. You never know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true because you don't know about – she obviously – her dad died early and maybe she has a lot of trauma, but like – You have no idea what someone else is going through. You have no idea like the experience she's having of you doing that. She could have just had something bad happen right before.

Yeah, true. Who the hell knows at all? What if he found out that the place was actually in the process of getting robbed and he had no idea afterwards that's why she was so weird he would be like oh i feel better now and he wouldn't care that got robbed you know um yeah yeah yeah but look these things happen and you gotta the best advice i got ever got about stuff like this you have a bad experience in life that isn't that meaningful but it affects you in a way that you kind of can't let it go not me think of it like toilet paper i mean you wipe your ass with it you wipe your ass with it one time

wow it's got shit on it and what do you do you flush it down the toilet you don't think about that and you don't wipe again it's just gone you wipe one time and then you're done. No, but like it's in your past. It is done. It was a weird, clunky, awkward thing how it happened. That's good. It's not indicative of how it's going to happen in the future. It's not indicative of what you did that warranted the weird feelings that rose after she said what she said. It's nothing.

It's nothing. It just happened. And life goes on. So I get where you're coming from. Like, did I do it weird? Was it wrong? Was it wrong? No, no, no.

Unless you did it weird. But it doesn't sound like you did. But people are going to react weird sometimes when you comment on their physical appearance, even if it's a good thing. Especially women. Because women, ostensibly, especially in this case, if she's a, as you say, cute girl, she probably gets it a lot and doesn't know what to do with it, especially at work.

It makes sense, dude. Like you got to just, it's on her. It's not weird that you did it, but you got to accept the reaction you're going to get if you're going to go out on a limb like that. But it's fine. Who cares? Yeah.

Who cares? I would have doubled down. What's up with the weirdness? Oh, wow cute can i get a straw yeah hey you're really cute by the way he didn't even fucking describe what she did well at all because you know it was worse than what he was i know that i know that he was like hey you're cute and she was like okay well she was like her and then like it was kind of weird and then i said oh uh just was saying you're cute don't want to be weird and then she was like or uh you know and then i don't know it just ended dude how about she was like fuck you motherfucker get out of here dude when guys tell stories and they're got really good specific

details and then there's a part where they're like it's so wishy-washy and mushy and you're like wait wait wait what do you what's the thing that happened they either fucked up they still do it though they then when they repeat it they're like it was like this and you're like yeah yeah yeah or they got their ass handed to them their brains are like yeah they can't do it yeah do not expose yourself yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah uh so yeah the girl obviously threw the drink in his face and even if that happened honestly it's fine whatever god i wish we could like watch a video of yes that would oh that's so yeah my mind doesn't even go there because i i feel heartbroken that we can't so i mean that's just bro you want that so bad i want it so bad i didn't even think of it

and now you broke my heart thank you marco thanks chris hey you broke you legitimately broke my heart by bringing that up you're welcome i didn't even go there Could you imagine getting to see that? Could you imagine? Why are you laughing? It would be so upsetting though What if it was a bad angle though? How upsetting would that be? I would get so mad I quit the podcast and congratulations

I would kill just for audio of what happened Yeah for sure You're fucking weird dude get out No I was just saying you're fucking weird dude get out no i was just saying you're cute get out take the food and you're free it's free go also i really wonder what he said actually because if he's why would she get mad at that i thought she missed it um yeah no you gotta what do you you gotta x here's the thing for guys just like in general if you're gonna compliment a woman that you don't know that's a stranger,

you're basically coming at it like, well, it's fair game. I can say what I want. You got to accept the responses that you get too. If it's a negative one, then that's it. That's it. But you got to just let it go. It's done. She's allowed to do that.

Yeah, that's fine. But it's like, why can't you say nice tits to a girl? Honestly, it's kind of weird. Because it's overtly sexualizing. I know. Women don't want strangers to come up to them. I know. Why are you asking if you know?

I'm just saying if somebody came up to me and said, well, you look like you got a healthy package. But I wouldn't necessarily be bothered about that. But that's because of society. No, it's because that kind of thing doesn't happen to men ever. So you don't have to worry about what the person is thinking when they're saying. That is exactly right. Oops, you're asking questions. And while I'm answering,

you're talking over every single word that I say. But I know that. And I'm just saying that, that you shouldn't do that. So you're asking questions that you know the answer to. But if you say bad tits, that's even worse. Sure. That would be worse. Hey, bad say bad tits, that's even worse. Sure. Yeah, that would be worse. Hey, bad tits. Yeah, that would be worse.

Or if somebody came up to you and said, you look like you got a small dick. That would actually be hilarious. Oh, man. How funny would that be, dude? That would be really good. Really good. Sir, it looks like see if a small penis

yeah anyway excuse me are you in line people say you got small dick energy you know yeah i know but that's way different and it looks like you have a small penis strangers though dude right uh thomas who that's that guy's name who okay we need we we want more specifics. We want more specifics, honestly. And when you submit it, say exactly what happened. Yeah, what did she do? Don't tiptoe around it. Say exactly what happened. Excruciating detail. Yeah, excruciating for you details.

Yeah, for you. Excruciating for you and supremely pleasurable for us. Thank you. And congratulations on looking like you have a face that somebody would be in Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit. So, I mean, he does do it. It's unbelievable. for us. Thank you. And congratulations on looking like you have a face that somebody would be in Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit. I mean, he does, dude. It's unbelievable. Because he's small looking, you mean? No, just his face with the beard and the color of his hair, you know? Okay. It's fucking

frankly goddamn annoying. Cool. Dies in the first one. Cool. Hey, guys. It's McKenna from San Diego. Hey. I recently discovered your podcast because I was typing into Spotify, like, life advice slash what do I do with my life? And it came up, and I'm so happy it did because you guys make me laugh so hard.

I might have a six pack from things that you've said. Well, that's the coolest thing ever. Laugh attacks all around. And I want advice on basically my life i feel so fulfilled at the dream job like you know i do a bunch of cool hobbies get back all that stuff have a really good community but i still find myself thinking all the time like but what is it all for like why are we here and so i guess am i yeah if you have any advice on not thinking so existentially all the time that'd be awesome and also i'm looking for my partner in crime so if you know of any like

open-minded nature loving goofballs that's cool send them my way i know thank you that's cool we never got a uh submission that said that. But we guarantee you we're going to get a lot of guys writing to us on Instagram being like, I'm this. Can you put me in touch with her? I mean, honestly, I think that we would be perfect together. I'm a fun-loving goofball. Yeah. Okay.

It's Gamerville. Honestly, yeah. I would set her up with Gamerville in a heartbeat, dude. Or Nostralisimo. Or Nostralisimo has been dead for 700 years. I suffer sort of from the same thing or have historically in my life. Not me. And honestly, like reading and specific kinds of books have like quelled that kind of anxiety and trauma to strain

yeah anything by jungler no congo yeah uh congo for me was a big one michael creighton no um like particularly on the subject of evolutionary biology because once i start to understand why my brain works the way it does why i think existentially why i'm this or that or anxious or whatever it is and i get i can get like biological answers it calms that those parts of my brain down wow it seems like it would make me way more anxious oh really that's i think so well no because once you get answers you're like you're not you're like oh wait my mind's doing that because i guess so millions of years of evolution. But we all live in the matrix.

Then you start thinking about that and you're like, oh, fuck. You know what I mean? Well, that only happens if you're a fucking idiot. I'm not an idiot and I don't do that, but I'm just saying you could. Okay, well, only idiots are like, oh, we live in the matrix. Do you know what I mean? Well, hold on. I think that we're not in the matrix, but we could be.

We could be hooked in. What do you mean by the Matrix, though? We're not really living this life, and it's a simulation, and we're all in incubators and stuff, and we're plugged in. Okay, that's what you mean. Sure, that's possible. We could be all living in a simulation, but if you mean the Matrix, the movie...

No, no, no, I don't mean that, because I... Yeah, I don't mean that, because I met Lawrence Fishburne, and he's not Morpheus. Lawrence Fishburne is a king among men. He was Cowboy Curtis in Pee Wee Herman, Pee Wee's Playhouse. And it's the coolest thing ever that he was that. And he lied about his age to Francis Ford Coppola to be able to get into Apocalypse Now. And he has a huge role in that movie. Illegally,

he was 16 when he did it. Dude, isn't that crazy? What a fucking cool person. Back then you could do that, I guess. Yeah, dude. There's footage of him at the table reads and stuff. He's so obviously a kid, but he successfully lied. He got the role, and he's amazing in it.

And then he did The Major. He's done so many fucking cool things i know i didn't know he was in apocalypse i know you're listening you love this show and i just want you to know we love you back okay uh yeah yeah well what about you for the for the uh i think that that'll probably go away a little bit with age. She seems like she's in her early 20s. She's got a lot of living to do. And I mean, that's just like, what is it all for? Is like, that's kind of like a,

to even think that is egotistical because it's like, what is it all for? Like, you know, like you know enough about what's going on that you get to think, oh, what's the grander purpose? Like, you might figure it out. You won't. You won't.

But yeah, sure. If she's like. So you're being very egotistical. If she means what is the meaning. You need to be taken down a notch. Wow. But that's not necessarily what she means. If that is what she means, then sure.

But I don't think she's like, what's the meaning of what's my purpose here on earth oh okay you don't all right i got it i thought i heard it as more of a broader question like what is all this what's going on around us why is are things the way that they are it's you'll never know though dude i remember the very first time i looked into the sky and realized the epicness of space and time and i it was it wasn't my first true anxiety attack but it was like the beginning of me being on the way to getting anxiety yep not me i was with nick marquand shout out to nick marquand oh boy nick and we were at a lookout we weren't being gay but it was just us well i mean okay so far it sounds And we were at a lookout. We weren't being gay, but it was just us. So far it sounds gay.

We were just kids. Looking at the sky. We were drinking beer, looking up at the sky. Two men looking at the sky. And I remember telling Nick, I'm starting to feel so overwhelmed. And he was like, yeah, me too. Kiss me. And then we made out and swore we would never talk about it again.

And I didn't believe him, so I threw him off the cliff and killed him. Wait, but oh wow, okay. I guess I haven't seen him in a long time. i killed him wow this is my confession of course when he would root for the raiders oh come on raiders yeah okay and he had a dog named me he had a dog did you just fart well me shaggy uh chris just farted no well me? How do you know? Donald Trump Yeah he had a dog Named Rocky He loved the Raiders And

Rocky Come on Raiders It was cool He was the man dude He had a Ned Flanders Like mustache He looked like Ned Flanders

He was Ned Flanders One time Years later I saw him without the mustache And I was like This is not working for me Were things not going well for him? I don't want to look at you What do you mean? He's like shaved He's like oh Flanders. He was Ned Flanders. One time, years later, I saw him without the mustache, and I was like, this is not working for me. Were things not going well for him? I don't want to look at you.

What do you mean? He's like shaved. He's like, oh, man. No, it was like way later. The readers aren't even, they're not even with us anymore. Yeah, he. They're Oakland. It was at a wedding, and he just looks, it was like, you're not you.

Get the mustache back. We'll talk. Wow. My friend's dad. We'll talk. My friend's dad, when I was in high school, honestly, every single goddamn one of them. Yeah. If they walked in a room.

Yeah. And said, hi. Yeah. I'm one of your friends in high school's dad. Which one am I? Okay. I would have no idea. I'd have never seen my friend's dad's in high school.

Whoa, really? I know them all. Because they would be home once or twice. No. I don't know. I remember your friend's dad. Oh, home once or twice. No. I don't know. Like, I remember your friend's dad. Oh, I see what you're saying.

I don't remember my friend's dad's dude. I don't have a clue who they were. You had a really weird assembly of friends like Morgan Doizaki. Yeah, but also

even the regular ones. I wouldn't know their fucking faces. Their dad's... Dave Meeting. What's his dad look like? I don't know. Charles Oakley. What's his dad look like i don't know what's his dad look like i don't know i believe they're your friends you shouldn't that's what i'm saying yeah yeah hi i'm

one of your friends dad from high school what am i who am i i go like this uh and run away well lucky for you that's never gonna happen yeah dave meetings dad comes up to you and is like dave meetings dad you were friends with my son in high school i'm their dad who am i worst game show you know no one does that uh josh oh four people in the audience is all his family oh all right um no he died a long time ago oh okay. Okay. This is the saddest game show. It's also six minutes, you know? It couldn't be more than one or two episodes, you know? You would need like 12 dads to fill a whole show.

And that would be one show. And then I would not have any more. Morgan Doizaki's dad? Oh, I would know him. He's Japanese. That's Morgan Doizaki's dad, right? Do you know what he looked like? No, but I would say I have one Japanese dad friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, anyway. That's cheating, but yeah. Not really. I'm very eclectic with my friends. All right. Next one. What's up, Matt?

What's up, Chris? I'm a newlywed. I've been married for a month now. And so pretty much I do all the cooking, which is fine because I've grown up cooking and I'm a little bit better at it. And it's kind of what I do. But my wife will almost maybe once a week, twice a week, she'll have these Pinterest recipes. And she insists on trying them. And they're awful.

Every week they're awful. Absolutely awful. And how do you navigate telling her, hey, I appreciate this meal that you just spent an hour cooking but now i need to go to a taco bell to eat something for dinner because that was awful so yeah let me know how i should handle this i wish she said um appreciate it if you guys end up into it. Died. Died. Died. Appreciate it if you guys end up. Appreciate it if you guys end up.

Oh my God. Wow. Honey, I made chicken parma. So, you're kind of in a bad situation my friend it's actually man i gotta tell you something i i i've never really thought about this because kristen is a she cooks i wish she cooked more she's great but you you gotta like that's gotta be horrible because they're doing something so beautiful and so nice i mean that's awesome if you have somebody in your home that cooks for you whether or not whoever it is

that's awesome home-cooked meals are the shit of course you know of course um and and if she's doing it i look he likes to cook and all that but like he gets two nights off because she's doing it, look, he likes to cook and all that, but he gets two nights off because she's going to do the Pinterest shit, and then they're just dog shit. How are you that bad? If you're following the recipe instructions, then it's fine. Yeah, that is pretty weird. It sounds like he could be a little bit like- Why don't you help?

I'm the cook. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great advice. Help her. Do it. Teach her. Also, you'll get points for being like someone who helps your partner.

Everyone wants help cooking. Dude, you know what? Here's the deal. This is great. She wants to be a take care. She wants to take care of you or the family, whatever it is. Dude, you come in, you help her. She's going to feel so connected to you.

You're not even going gonna get the meal made because you're gonna end up making love oh my god yep put a little bit of spices in there and i'm not there so start i mean how many times in one episode can you do the disgusting kissing thing what was that putting all the stuff away a mime just a mime closing the oven and turning it off and okay okay well oh oh and then in the bed later oh man too bad we missed out on cooking things oh let's get taco bell what i want you got and it might be hard to handle. Montage eating Taco Bell.

And a flame burns a candle. And then candle feeds a flame. Oh, God. Shitting Taco Bell. Oh, yeah. Making our dreams. You know? I guess I know.

Wow. Yeah, I mean, Taco Bell, dude, you're gross. I don't trust your taste in food anymore. Taco Bell? I question everything this guy said now. You want to go to Taco Bell? You're probably just making a joke. Almost any, sure, any home-cooked meal is better than Taco Bell. I'm just going to go on a limb.

The Mexican pizza there is a one-way ticket to diarissimo, okay? All right, man, you know. It's just a straight-up one-way ticket to diarissimo okay all right man you know it's just straight up one-way ticket to diarissimo here's the deal it's not this show really shaped up to be a good show i mean but um it's just so i mean you better use the when you do the clip anthony when you better when you do the thing where it's like hey this happens later on the episode you better do the shitting taco bell thing because that's the thing that'll really grab people's attention and then we start getting boring and then we get back into it i don't know if i agree okay if i saw like a teaser of someone just like pretending to shit really aggressively i might not keep watching you know you're acting

like it's like a mega surefire way to get eyeballs you know i'm just saying what's the one thing people love more than anything people acting like they're aggressively shitting the trailer to quiz show that that movie you know oh man quiz show is a good movie thanks for bringing it up man i didn't i didn't see it i i saw it a long time ago in the theater i saw with you yep yeah and mom and dad loved it they really did yeah and i loved it too now we're going to the theaters. We saw it in the theater. I saw it with you. Yep. Yep. And mom and dad loved it. They really did. Yeah. And I loved it too. Now we're back to boring. Okay, let's go.

Hey Matt. Hey Chris. Halen here. I need some advice. I'm currently moving out of my rental right now and buying my first house. Oh yeah, dude. Super nervous and exciting. What I, my question is, we are planning on painting the exterior of the house.

So would you guys recommend doing it yourself or hiring someone? I know it can cost a lot to have someone come do it. But at the same time, doing it yourself is going to be a pain. What do you guys think? Thank you. I actually, interestingly enough, just looked into what it costs to potentially paint a house. I was going to say my house, but I didn't want people to know I have a house. But now they do.

And it's so expensive. Getting people to paint a house is so expensive. The outside of it? Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, have you looked in? Have you ever?

No, I like all the colors of my house. Okay. Well, so much money but then if you think about it you're like i guess of course it has to be i guess but it's really expensive so unless your house looks like shit he wants to paint it right you want to paint it dude should i do it himself he says i mean it's i don't think leave it you know what dude honestly leave it for a few years until you're freaking ball and then hire the guys but maybe he is i mean he bought a house he's got to have some money he bought a house yeah some kids how much is it to paint a house hire some that's a good idea how much that is a good idea why is everyone being cagey about how much of it is why because what'd you say i said that's a terrible idea kids yeah i don't

mean eight-year-olds kids yeah i don't want to do it some high school kids they only paint a they only paint up to the bottom like five feet up tell them to watch some youtube videos yeah about technique and then fucking hold on hold on all you need to do is watch karate kid first of all second of all how much does it cost to paint a house why is everybody being so gauged in the house obviously okay 25 grand what exactly yeah i know it's crazy holy shit yeah it's crazy but then start to think about it then it's like okay it's a lot of work many hours a lot of people just a color though what color is his house is what i want oh it's just run down he's saying yeah it doesn't matter what color the color isn't what costs money if you want it pink that'll be 35 grand if you want it white that's just eight grand no that's not how it works i know that

i'm saying you didn't know that until i said what i'm saying is i thought that it was a bad color and he wanted to repaint it but in actuality it just needs another paint job yeah if it's a bad color just keep it if it is falling apart it's depressing and you need to fix it no matter what it costs true you can't have something at your home or or in your home or on your property just be straight up depressing and if the paint job is is shitty and fucked up and worn you you got to fix it doesn't matter doesn't matter what it costs you got to do interesting so i would say save your you paint it, you're probably going to have it painted in the next year or two anyway, because you're not going to do a great job.

Unless you are a painter, which obviously you're not. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking this question. You would just do it. A house painter. So hire someone and get it done. Yeah. Just consider that part of the cost of the house. Hire someone and get it done or just don't do it.

Yes. Yeah. I agree. Don't fucking hire Anthony kids or whatever the fuck. Anthony kids? Do not hire Anthony kids. No. Mako said.

I don't know who said it. Mako said it. And I agreed though. That's terrible. You're just going to redo it. It's going to look bad. It's going to look bad if they do it too though. What do you mean?

If they themselves do it. That's what I'm saying oh that too yeah yeah yeah yeah just just hire someone that's the cost of the house i like that think of it like yeah lump it in with the cost the down payment that's the cost house check out these dude the cost of doing business hey those are good i never like you like these yeah you always like my shoes the colorway is amazing yeah well you like these the gray and the pink is always gonna to be a good thing for me. All right. Which is the pink? That is pink.

Yeah. I looked at it more like a beige thing, but okay. I guess you're right. Beige? That's pink. Okay. What? I mean, am I crazy?

No, you're not crazy. I'm agreeing with you. Oh, okay. Beige, though. It's like saying it could also be yellow. No, no, no. It looks a little muted pink but yeah i love muted muted pink is the way to go though like hot pink kind of sucks barbie bombed all right next one yo what's good chris and matt you know sundays used to just be sundays but now they fucking rip dude okay so anyway a guy I work with showed up to work a few months ago, maybe like six months ago.

Extremely religious. Threw up in the snow. Over a weekend, you know? Oh, wow. And ever since then, he's been telling me, oh, dude, you're going to go to hell. And I feel really bad because I don't want that to happen to you. And I'm going to hope that you get saved because I don't want you to go to hell. And he says this like every day. Oh what the fuck do i say i need something better than

ah yeah none of that's real i need something good so let me know dude how annoying is it that these people go through their shit and then real and then think something and then they bother you about it all the time and now you have to deal with it because they did something and changed their minds dude that is so maddening hey man you did this you deal with it i don't want to fucking think about this congratulations for your good time stop talking about i'm not go fuck yourself that's so annoying here's the problem the root of the problem is that a lot of well religion i was gonna say christianity a lot of branches of christianity but a lot of religions in general consider it their sole purpose while they're living on earth to spread

word and convert people that's why judaism in an objective way is the best religion they're living on earth to spread word and convert people. That's why Judaism in an objective way is the best religion. They're not doing that at all. It doesn't say anywhere in their text, nor do the people who are Jewish try to get other people to be Jewish. That's why there's only 14 million of them. I mean, that's one reason. They don't evangelize. I know.

But that's the best thing about them. I know. It's an elite club, dude. We can't get into. Well, you can. You cannot get into it. They aren't on the streets like this fucking you could walk around and be like hello where is the jewish center i don't want you to go to hell you know they won't give it to you you could have matzah you could everything but i swear i'm jewish and they're like what was your

mom she was christian all right well you're not jewish no you can be you can be jewish can't get in you can be jewish always if you just convert to Judaism. Can't convert. You're just wrong. I know. But you know what? Just tell the guy here, say like, man, I really want to save you. You should be Christian.

Do that. This is what you do. Man, I really, I don't want you to go to hell. I don't want to see that happen to you. I care about you. So I want you to be Christian. Okay. I'm Christian.

Okay. Great. I did it. you thanks man yeah done yeah that's good yeah yeah also you don't have to worry about lying because you're not you don't believe in heaven or hell the thing you have to be careful of is that then he probably will want to talk to you about but then at least he's fun but no that's not fun he doesn't want to. You can make it a thing for yourself, though. You're like, oh man, isn't it awesome how God, you know, they died for all our sins? Oh yeah, dude, that was so cool. That's crazy, man. If you really read into it, you can read a whole bunch of stuff

and it just learns so much. Just say that. But what you could also say is, listen, the amount that you want me to be Christian is the amount I want you to stop telling me to be Christian. So what are we going to do here? What we're going to do here is you're you to stop telling me to be Christian. So what are we going to do here? What we're going to do here

is you're going to stop or else I'm going to fucking kill you. Okay, well, that's my advice to you. All right, you're going to hell then. That's what he said as he's being choked. Are you going to hell? Are you going to hell for this? And other things?

All right. Hey, Chris and Matt big fans especially you Chris you're my boy you've been a fan forever love all your stand up

love all your stuff dude Matt you're cool too I guess I don't accept that basically I've got a sitch with my girlfriend turns out

she likes girls and I'm super supportive obviously and I'm proud that she came out and told me about it, but it hurt because I felt like I was doing something wrong. But after some talking, we realized, no,

it's just something that obviously she can't help and nothing really sort of woke that up in her. That's just how she is. I love her the same. I actually, though, want your guys' advice on, am I an asshole if I want to still try to make it work with her? What? Because she's kind of my everything,

and I can't really imagine life without her. Do you think there's a way we could stay together, even though now I know that she likes girls? It's a tough one, and if you guys think i should just break up to let me know anyways love the show so much keep rocking it you guys are awesome what's tough about that does she still love you dude this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to this guy what the fuck was that that's a hero song but no but like this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to this guy. What the fuck was that? That's a hero song. But no, but like, what is the...

If she's saying, I don't love you, I only am attracted to women, then obviously you shouldn't be with her, you fucking idiot. Well, she's going to break up with you. But also, if she's saying, I also like women, but my feelings for you haven't changed, then obviously you stay with her you fucking idiot now why am i being so hard on you because you said you threw me some fucking scraps at the top you're like oh man i like you too it was really just about fucking chris so i'm gonna treat you with the amount of shittiness you treated me you're a fucking idiot either way now go ahead so dick um

so so overboard um you said you're pretty cool you know Yeah that's not enough Don't throw me some fucking scraps So She likes girls so what It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you If she doesn't want to be with you then she'll break up with you don't worry about breaking up with her Yeah dude what are you talking about Second of all third of all whatever I'm at

Dude Does she want to have fun with other girls than you? Right. Blind. Blind! Absolutely, completely blind. Hey, dude, I'm sorry, but... What's the problem? Yeah, I mean...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy's calling without a problem. Yeah, dude. Hey, dude, I don't know what's going on, man. I got so much pussy, it's crazy. It's just falling out of my fucking pockets and dude. I don't know what's going on, man. I got so much pussy. It's crazy. It's just falling out of my fucking pockets and shit. I don't know how to do it. I'm trying to collect it, but do you have any containers? What containers I should use?

I should go to the container store. I don't understand what's going on. I got too much pussy around me. I keep coming. I keep jizzing and I make so much money. No, but like... What's up, dude? What's up? What's up? What's up? That's dumb.

The assembly line of people just sitting naked waiting to have sex with them. They could say, What's up? Blind! Blind, dude! It would be so actually hectic if that was your thing.

Now, what is he saying saying if we had to guess what are you talking about guy uh he is saying he doesn't understand what what it's like he's like he doesn't get it you know what it is he doesn't he he don't got it like that right so you good there's what you go oh hey i'm dating a girl for a while oh hey guess what hey i like girls i go like this cool mommy who cares you leaving me no cool mommy you like girls me too but guess what i'm with you yeah that's exactly the way to think about it like you want to introduce girls into the bedroom so do i i'm only with one can you only be with one yep great nothing changed yay nothing changed we're inviting everybody over for the nothing change party wow status quo exactly status quo nothing changed at all

wow yeah taking it so far the poppers you know taking it so far the poppers you know plopper poppers suck ploppers one i know because they don't go for and they go they go like this dude how about what you just did for some reason reminded me of gender reveal parties yeah well hate him they had me do one on cameo hate him the drive by hate him hey they had him they had a comeback to make sure you know they know i hate him i did a uh i did a gender reveal for on cameo it's pretty cool what was cool about it well i just i felt honored that they asked me to reveal their i was revealing it for their party

that's cool but and gender reveal parties no no i know i know i know yeah because like also there's always a every time i see one not every time but like every three or four there's always every time I see one, not every time, but like every three or four, there's always one parent that's upset about the gender. And it's like, well, don't do it if you're rooting for one. Yeah. You got to be excited about it either way. Also gives a shit. I don't, I don't know.

Gives a shit, dude. What about the gender of your child? Who gives a shit? Who do you care? But like you, once you know. Oh, you love the, once you know, you can't be like, oh, no. Honestly, if it was going to be either one, if there were going to be a girl, it would have been just as happy. I can't imagine being like, once you know, and then it becomes real for you.

Because once you know, it becomes real for you, right? Like, you're like, oh, hey, it's going to be a boy. Oh, it's going to be a girl. Then you think, the next thought is oh my god i'm gonna love that boy girl whatever it is so much it's not no i wanted a boy i can't that i can't wrap my head around you know i know people do that it is that it is that who gonna rule the bleep kingdom so um yeah it's a election um yeah but i i can't believe that people do that but they do it's funny that gender reveal the rise of gender reveal parties has coincided with

also the belief that gender is a construct and not a real thing well that's probably why right it's just funny though it's like yeah those both can't be true. What's happening here? Yeah, I know. What's going on here? What's going on here? Should we try to do one more or no? Yeah. Talia and company. Hello.

Hello. Love you both. Chris, been a fan from jump since like the rest of Justin Bieber. Was that your taping of Man on Fire in Vancouver? Oh, really? Just saw you in Seattle in February. Oh, cool. Matt, you're the one, period.

End of story. Anyway, what I would love your guys' help with is the fact that I have a friend who's constantly meeting the love of her life. Like, she will meet a guy and within a matter of weeks be like, he is the one, we're getting married, this is my soulmate. And then when it inevitably doesn't work out, I'm there picking up the pieces with her and working through what that looks like, talking to her every day, consoling her. And then in a matter of weeks after that,

she'll meet someone and go on one date and be like, you're not going to believe this, but I believe we're getting married and I'm not being hyperbolic. This is seriously how she responds to every single man. And it's up and down, up and down. And this is seriously how she responds to every single man and it's up and down up and down and i love her and i want to be supportive but i'm tired of taking this ride with her so what do you guys think i should do chat gbt i fully understand what's going on here oh oh no i fully like can relate to her experience of what's going on i know people like this it is so so frustrating and annoying and you have you have to they might not make a difference because they're probably still going to do it yeah but you have to say sort of like not aggressively but emphatically

you say this about everyone and then when when it inevitably, which it, of course, it is inevitable, it inevitably becomes not true, reveals itself to be not true. And you set yourself up to be super upset. And you're doing that for a very avoidable reason. You need to stop projecting the future that you desire on every single partner you meet because it's probably just by way of regular how things always work out with people. It's probably not going to work out with that one guy. Take it slow. Avoid pain that you're basically directly causing yourself.

Yeah. Stop doing that to yourself. Preach. Okay. I don't do that, but I'm done. I feel like that's horseshit honestly no no you what you said is dead right let's preach you gotta stop it's like dude honestly at some point well obviously you love the friend and this is just one of the shortcomings and it's not like a make or break thing but yeah you got to just be like yo you do this

all the time you know and please stop doing it because i i'm wasting we're wasting a bunch of time here yeah that's good too and also she she's got a lot of problems she should go to therapy she got a lot of problems like she got like a real fucking like she's codependent probably and you know what i mean if that's how it is when you meet somebody and it's how do you like that many people by the way i know that's the craziest i know i know i know i know like i don't i meet people i go like this show me you don't suck oh like that's the default right like nah i'm actually not like that i that someone's worth your time right like in a dick way but like you don't just like why don't you tell her hey you're worth more than this shit like don't you don't need to fall in love with all these guys you're better than that i believe in you and you may not because deep down you know you're you're

looking for a man so hard and also her energy tell her that her energy that she's giving off to you is definitely the energy that the guy's feeling and that's what's chasing him away yeah yeah she got to take a deep breath know that love will come but it's not when you see some it's not like every new guy you meet you got to stop projecting your fantasy onto him like let that come to you and it's okay if you meet a guy and it isn't your fantasy and it isn't great in fact that's much more likely so why not in the beginning tell that, remind yourself of that and let yourself not be so devastated if it doesn't work out. Yeah. Yeah. You know what the problem with people like this is? And I'm just warning you. There are a lot of people like this. They don't, whether they realize it or not, they don't want to change. They want the drama to be high. They want the stakes to be high.

Right. They want the high of, oh, I met the love of my life and they want the low of the love of my life ruined everything for me and you're never going to change i'm not saying that is what your friend is but don't like you're going to have to say something and when you do and you don't see anything materialize you don't see your friend change at all don't be disappointed and definitely don't be surprised it's very likely that they're doing it because somewhere deep inside them they want to. Addicted to the drama. Yeah. Two part. Yep. Thanks for that. Okay.

Yeah, there you go. And I appreciate you. I'll be in Vancouver next year, so be on the lookout. Great. Even though you're to some in Seattle. Alright, well that's good. Listen, you want to go to Lifeline Luxury and watch our show, Lifeline Luxury, go to patreon.com slash lifeline luxury. I'm on tour.

I will be in Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia, and a bunch of different places, Pittsburgh, Redding, Philadelphia. Go to Cleveland, Detroit, chrisley.com. And then, you know, what else we got going on you leave a comment please that's good for the algorithm and then go to watch lifeline.com to click in and send us a submission we love that and if you want one-on-one advice sessions with matt right here go to mattalia.com you zoom with them and hit that merch button lifelinemerch.com thank yous very much get every item of the merch

or i don't love you