Lifeline - 8. Wacky Doodle Dandy

Episode Date: May 29, 2022

🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 👉Thank you ORIGINAL GRAIN: Use code LIFELINE at OriginalGrain.com/Lifeline to get 30% OFF sitewide In this week's episode, we talk about living with stuff that exists out there about you online, how long to wait before rebounding, multiple questions about in-laws, and what to do when you catch someone talking shit about you. Also, is it ok to make phone calls? 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only. If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or licensed professional. Yeah. You said shit. Did you see the Christian Bale playing the Thor guy? And he looks like he's shitting. I did see that. Dude, they show a Christian Bale.

We'll put it on the video, but we showed Christian Bale playing, I guess his name is Gore, the God Butcher, Siddharthi on the new Thor movie. But the picture that they showed him, he's like this. He's got diarrhea. He's constipated. He showed him he's like this he's got diarrhea he's constipated it looks like he's shitting and it's it's crazy to be a god butcher and still be and look like you're shitting i think all that god butching makes you constipated yeah so he's like yeah killing too many gods lately yeah dude why do the most like acclaimed actors do Marvel shit?

Well, I don't know. Like small roles in Marvel shit. Yeah, I know. You know they shot him out in like four days. I think that probably- Well, money, right? It's money, but it's like, dude, you're Christian Bale. You have enough money.

I guess so, but wouldn't- I think people just are like, no, I don't want to do it until then it's like, well, we'll give you 20 million. And he's like, all right, fuck it. It's a week. Why wouldn't you do it? Why wouldn't you do it? I don't want to do it until then it's like well we'll give you 20 million and he's like all right fuck it it's a week like why wouldn't you do it like why wouldn't you do it i don't know you'd think some people would care more about legacy than than just pure yeah but nobody's gonna remember him as that guy they're gonna remember christian bell the great fucking actor they're not gonna think they're not gonna be like and let's not forget he played gore the butcher dude the way things are going i wouldn't be surprised. And then even still, then he wants to fucking solidify his legacy that way too, right?

Okay, so now I'm pissed though. I mean, I'm on your side, dude. Are you? Okay. Well, I mean, what's your argument? You don't like Marvel movies? You think that they're bad? And then so you think that when a good actor does it, it taints their-

No, no, no, no, no. My argument is when Jessica Chastain did it too in one of the X-Men movies. She plays this tiny role in a spinoff of an X-Men movie. And it's like, what are you doing? Why are you doing that?

And I guess in her case, she probably doesn't make as much money as the guy who was Batman in four movies or three movies, whatever. Oh, you're saying he was Batman. Yeah. He was already fucking Batman

three times. But you have to understand Christian Bale is probably like this guy that thinks that, oh, you're saying he was Batman, yeah. He was already fucking Batman three times. But he thought, but you have to understand, Christian Bale is probably like this guy that thinks that, oh, I'm going to do Batman, I'm going to be Batman, but it's going to be an artistic version. Christopher Nolan has fucking convinced me. And then he's doing it, you know,

and he thinks it's good. And a lot of people think it's good. And whether or not you and I think it's good, then, you know, it's all subjective anyway. So they're rationalizing. Also, it's fucking actors are ego they're rationalizing also it's fucking actors are ego driven he also loves the franchise shit he was doing terminator that's when he when he made that tape yeah yeah good for you that one yeah oh good for you and how was it busting and

so mad that a guy fucking had an orgasm first and no you're not gonna get to have it i was it dude yeah that's that was that's given me more joy than almost that thing was really funny good for you yeah that's not what's the thing where he's like oh no but when he says he did something like ah that's not that's not how it is or something. What's the fucking thing? It's not. No, but he does something very casual in it. That's the funniest part. He's going, nah, nah. Yeah, I forget. I don't know.

But the elephant in the room is, yeah, I got this new fucking hoodie on. Oh, see, I wasn't even noticing it, but okay. Because it's such a big elephant in the room that it's almost taking over the whole room that you're like. It's like right here. I can't even notice it's an elephant. Yeah, so yeah, it's the new Life Rips hoodie, and it's out there taking over the whole room that you're like it's like right here i can't even notice it's an elephant yeah so yeah it's the new life rips hoodie and it's out there chrisalia.com and it's fucking oh the fucking puff is just wonderful i

mean dude it's you know what we're done with you see you know we're done with hoodies that just stay level right you want you want the fucking levels you want a hoodie with levels you want a hoodie that's just kind of the fabric and then also whoopsie daisy you're walking down the hoodie and oh shit and you got to jump up on the fucking extra level so it's puffed out and it's the new hoodie and i can already tell you they're flying off the shelves but whatever chrislea.com for the new life rip study and guess what dude what we are in talks of making the first Lifeline merch. Yeah.

We're making the first Lifeline merch. Woo! And so that's what, so bitch, how you did woo, but- Woo! I tried to sound like I was far away. Woo! Well, they can see you're not far away.

Well, some people are just listening. So anyway, that's what's up. So we're getting our first Lifeline merch is coming up soon. So guys, just fucking wait with bated breath. And then let's get a little business out of the way too right oh boy i know because guess what i'm a traveling man you are right i don't just sit in la i mean a lot of people come to la they sit in la right they wait for auditions they do their thing but me i'm a traveling man

yeah okay so i'm gonna be in atlanta yes okay september 9th so yes i'm gonna be in washington dc yes okay september 10th so yes i'm gonna be in in washington dc yes okay september 10th so yes i'm going to be in stockton and oakland september 23rd and 24th yes and peoria illinois and rockford illinois october 7th and october 8th yes and i'm going to be in raleigh october 21st yes and savannah georgia they're like are you coming here and the answer is yes i'm going to be in there october 22nd okay denver colorado i'm going to play the belcour theodore theodore theodore the belcour theodore ro theodore the belcour theodore roosevelt no november 6th and i'm gonna be a boss to massachusetts and jacksonville florida in november december so guys go to chrislea.com get your tickets and uh and that's what's up and guess

what it's too hot so i'm gonna take this hoodie off but that's what's up but you got the ace ventura drip on and that's really great i like that even too hot in this yeah yeah i mean i love this shirt i was wondering if i should unbutton one more or keep it this amount of unbutton one more or let's see let's see no it's good like that so you don't want to see no i mean like you look like you're a cool guy that you could maybe trust in miami but like if you unbutton it you're a guy you can't trust okay well lifeline if you have a question send in a video watch lifeline.com and uh and this is our show lifeline and uh you know that's what's up that's that's absolutely have you been having fun doing this show i've been having a lot of fun i've been looking a lot forward to it and i'll tell you what

i've been looking did you want my answer did you just want to talk well you breathe then you took too long right the breathing it doesn't is not taking too long. It's just breathing. Okay. But the answer is yes, I've been having fun. After every episode, I always think, wow, that was so fun. What I just said sounded like I was lying. Worst playback. I absolutely was not lying. I do too. And guess what?

And this is how you really know the test of how fun this podcast is. Okay. And by the the way share the podcast if you like the podcast leave a comment oh and give advice to the people that we give advice to in the comments because they're checking they're checking they are actually yeah and they respond to you guys i've seen it but um what what i was gonna say is i like the drive i even get excited there's sometimes there's so much traffic in LA. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I still drive and I hate the traffic, but I'm excited to get here. And what does he do? He stops at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. And today

you weren't even late. I wasn't late. I thought I gave myself time. I gave myself a lot of time to make it and there was zero traffic. That's the thing about LA. You never know if there's going to be traffic or not. But giving yourself a lot of time is exactly how one remains on time. See what I'm saying? You don't get extra credit for giving yourself a lot of time is exactly how one remains on time see what i'm saying you don't get extra credit for giving yourself a lot of time that's what you're supposed

to do when traffic is inevitable and in la it is inevitable right but we work with our circumstances and we grow with them right so when i leave and then i'm late because the traffic is too bad and then i leave and then i'm late because the traffic is too bad then i give myself extra time and then i'm 40 minutes early now that's too much so the next time i might be like well maybe i don't need to leave so early but you do but then i'm 40 minutes early again maybe maybe but that's better than being 40 minutes late 40 minutes early is better than being 40 minutes late yes yes only pretty much for the people that aren't you yeah which is ideally more important yeah we get it but the people who aren't you yeah which is ideally more important yeah we get it but the people who aren't you are the reason we try to be on time yeah otherwise you get if it's just you

going somewhere you get there whenever the fuck you want true get there whenever the fuck you get there i got coffee bean and tea leaf and the guy and this guy goes like this hey man dude can i get a picture with you and i say sure and he I was going to yell out from across the room, but this isn't the hood. And I said, oh yeah? And he said, yeah. So I had to keep it really nice. And then he takes out his phone and it was one of those phones

that you fold out like a laser disc. Dude, and he's going like this and it's so big that it's almost like dipping and he has to use his other fucking... What kind of phone is this? Bro, I don't know. These guys from the future.

The hood in the future. And he goes like this and he just... And his other what kind of phone bro i don't know these guys from the future the hood in the future and he goes like this and he and he just and and and he couldn't even like the button was so far over that he could barely and he hit it and he was like shaking and he's like bro that's so fucking awesome man thank you for what you do and i was like all right cool and then i left with the iced americano and i got in the car and then somebody was walking by i didn't know if it was a man or a woman oh okay but that's fine right that is fine but also it's such a bad ending in that it had absolutely nothing to do with what preceded it you know oh shit nothing to do with it it's all good uh do you want to go do you want to start yeah okay cool let's do it hey guys this is kirsten from Jersey.

Hell yeah, New Jersey. We're from Jersey. We like that. So I have a hard-hitting question for you guys. We love hard-hitting questions. How do you feel about phone calls? Just literally picking up the phone, hey, what's up? I personally love it. I think it's a great way to communicate with your friends, chat, say what's up.

Well, literally none of my friends answer my phone calls. Like, and then in the next breath, they'll text me and be like, oh, hey, what's up? Like, bitch, I would have told you if you would have answered. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm just like, I'm wondering if, is it just like an invasion of privacy? Like, should I text you first? Like, why does everyone feel like it's so invasive to call someone or pick up the phone yeah just asking you know for me really anyway yeah it's so sometimes personal like dude text everyone text you know like even mom is like

yeah sup yeah yeah right uh but it's so and like you ever been texting with someone and then they call and you're like oh fuck they know i'm looking at that's the only unfair move it's so... And like, have you ever been texting with someone and then they call and you're like, oh, fuck, they know I'm looking at my phone right now. That's the only unfair move. It's unfair, dude. It's unfair. The thing that she's talking about, though, is I actually agree with her. I wonder why everyone is so afraid. Oops, you're doing this while I'm talking.

Because I don't want to... And you only do it while I'm talking. I know, but I will be ready to do it while I'm talking because I'm talking. No, it would be better. It would be better. But I want to... For me. All right.

Okay? So... But when you call. For me. All right. Okay. So. But when you call it out, no one's hearing this. When you call it out. I'm hearing it. Okay. So I'm hearing it. All right.

And she is right in that it's annoying that people are like this now. People do basically whatever they can to not have to get on the phone. Right. That is annoying. And also, I do that. Yes. So I'm of both minds minds i do that too i wait it's annoying no it's i think i don't call me never call me see i don't like that rule but i feel that way but i don't like that i'm like that i have honestly uh canceled a call and texted the person no what, what's up? Yeah, that's unbelievably rude. I'm real.

It's unbelievably rude. It's not, though, if you have the dynamic of that. Sure, if you have a certain friend that would find that funny, yeah. If it's like a business call. Find it funny or you're not in my camp. Okay. Do you understand? So militant about funny camp.

No, what's up? What do you want to know? Nothing is worth a phone call. I don't know. I don't like picking up either and i'll often let it ring but i find that me being like that and other people being like that i find that fucking frustrating i do times are changing though you know and pretty soon it's going to be like don't text me dude just think it and send it over through the thought link

right get it right but until that is the case right texting is the thing we got to figure out a way to coexist you think that back in like the fucking 1200s people were like another fucking pigeon with a nut on it it's so personal maybe letters they were like that with um let's talk about how jersey that girl was though you know i didn't think so at first but then after she said it and then she started talking more i thought that is such a jersey yeah uh-huh it's so jersey to be subtly jersey yeah that's you know what i'm talking about like the people who are like listen i talk to them all day you know that's that's like the 80s 90s type jersey they exist yeah sure but this this woman is like the new age subtly Jersey, most jurzed out motherfucker I've ever seen. She's jurzed out. Yeah, she's jurzed out.

So, you know, I think that honestly, maybe they're just like not picking up the phone call because they're like, I'm not this Jersey. Like, she's probably calling other people from Jersey. And she probably text people with the fingernail emojis, you know, super jurzed out. But she's, yeah, she's she's you know i have friends that like to talk like who i have a buddy who fucking calls me all the time and it's just like dude there's one possibility that we haven't considered which is that she's basically saying why does nobody pick up my phone calls and you're saying it's maybe on her maybe yeah but i don't think so but maybe yeah i don't know she seems like nice and shit and like but but like and also like i i

really like a lot of people i like when they come over i like when they're in my lives and like when they're talking but when when they call me i'm like come on man i don't like being called what's worse facetime's worse right because you gotta people are like i like to facetime why don't we facetime and it's like dude i don't how about this it's worse than phone call because not only do you have to um not text and be conscious of only the phone call you also got to hold your fucking arm up yeah yeah and it's like i'm strong obviously my shit you know it goes dummy right like a lot of people if they see me from the back there's no way they can tell who it is because it looks like i'm wearing a shield oh okay like just at bay right in case some shit goes down yeah because of my back's lumped up but like when i fucking i'm holding it like this i still get tired i'm a human right okay but i also

think there's nothing more frustrating than an unsolicited facetime if we're supposed to facetime at a certain time or if you text me hey let, let's FaceTime, and I say okay, great. But if you just fucking FaceTime me. Wow. So, bitch. Got to empty it out. I'll tell you what. Got to get this doused.

Douse you. Okay. I'll tell you what. The number one people who FaceTime in public. Oh. And I will say this. Here we go. And I'm going to say it.

I'm going to say this first so it doesn't sound racist white chicks do you understand so far so far not racist because i'm white okay also tied with black dudes oh really i see i do black dudes it's like they want you to hear that they have friends and see they have friends sup and for some reason that fucking is louder on a black dude's phone. It's just like, what's up, yo? What are you doing? Chilling, B. Chilling.

I don't see. Yeah. That's the other guy. I don't see it a lot. Just like, what's going on here? In a diner? Yeah, FaceTiming in public is just a no-no, I think, in general. Fuck, dude.

That's my nightmare. That's my nightmare. Yeah, yeah. It's so annoying dude yeah no good but the phone call thing i mean look it's like change with the times if you can't beat them join them i think you need to result in text i think she needs to understand her friends are not going to want to be yeah calling and you just or get a group of friends that are like old fashioned she's very she's old-fashioned she's trapped in a young person's body she's old

that's true yeah right yeah you know so you're saying she should get with the times and just text get with the times and just text or get a lot of old-fashioned friends or just older friends maybe there's a solution where it's like hey can we hop on the phone you text that first and you might get on the phone oh oh heartbeat city dude what i mean fucking anxiety oh, dude. Hey, can you talk? You want to hop on the phone? You might as well just fucking, you know, in the, you might as well just inject me with

that thing in the rock to fucking. Oh, the adrenaline or whatever? The adrenaline. Dude, I fucking, I can't stand that. Hey, can you chat? Oh my God, dude. Say something different then. Not, hey, can you you chat everything's totally fine

saying like yeah right yeah just want to bullshit with you yeah yeah right okay that's fine yeah okay that's so specific but yeah i mean it's better to be specific when you're hey can you chat is like oh fuck what what did i do but it sounds like she has a problem with that kind of person that only wants to text but the truth is if all your friends are like that you got to get on board there's no way to make them want to talk on the phone that's only going to alienate them if you can't beat them join them one time i was driving uh along the 110 freeway and i saw and where you get onto the five freeway yeah there's that one lane that you got to merge onto and everyone was lined up so long and i went i used to go wait to uh get in the back because i thought it's respectful to wait your turn in line and as i was doing that i was waiting

in the back this is dude i changed this day i changed i was waiting in the line and i saw everybody cutting in everybody cutting in now i don't like to do that because i'm respectful especially when it comes to a fucking line dude i don't cut lines yeah okay right yeah and i've been cut before yeah but whatever dude i keep my side of the street clean yeah i'm waiting in line i see people cutting in dude it takes me fucking an extra 10 minutes to merge onto the five freeway so i adopted if you can't meet him join him and now i cut as early as i can dude now just in general i'll crash oh yeah oh you're gonna crash into me no you won't so i fucking get in

you can't beat him join him i cut dude i cut on that five freeway entrance so if you can't every single time so see if we're not if we're not all playing by the rules pandemonium baby yeah but see you've changed you you i've noticed that you change your rules based on the way other people are behaving and i never do that and i'm better what it means is i'm better because i have hard principles i have hard principles flimsy flappy all over the place moving your shit around i am the way i am in the face of whatever you agree great you disagree great you know what it is all the same to me i'm a chameleon and that's what makes me such a great moving your shit around. I am the way I am in the face of whatever. You agree? Great. You disagree? Great.

You know what it is? All the same to me. I'm a chameleon and that's what makes me such a great actor as well. Is that what, which is what you're basically, you could agree with that. That's not even at all

what I'm saying. I know, but you could agree with that. Oh, well, I think you're a great actor, but that has, again,

nothing to do with what I said. Thank you. Just, just, just in general, across the board, nothing. All right, well, do another one? We definitely figured that out. Yeah, let's do another one another one we definitely figured that out yeah let's do another one we spent too much time on that but

i like when we spend too much time on it sometimes it requires it right okay go ahead let's do another one chilling oh just wait fucking pause it absolutely passed out was so drunk woke up had his phone and he was like lifeline and then fucking just recorded a fireman chris oh yeah love the podcast traveling through bc doesn't matter fucking where question is is that um i dated a girl in 2019 she's a cam model uh she asked me to be in a video only one i ever did got screen recorded and now it's online somewhere whoa um what to do now it's gonna be there forever do i just own this grow a mustache get in the business no no uh second thing is i'm five eight have long hair no it doesn't fucking matter own your shit

like like like it like um what does he mean grow a mustache he has a mustache yeah i know maybe he meant more of a handlebar mustache also bro where are you he was like on a on a boat it was like he was on a boat where like they hung up some plants yeah in this one window area yeah and he like stuck himself in that little wedged into that little area i mean was he just sleeping and then woke up and was like god or was he like oh that's a good fucking tight spot to do this video yeah Yeah, he was like, he's in a bunk in a room with like 10 bunks stacked just on top of He's in a submarine outside. Right, yeah, yeah. Just chilling.

Like one of those fucking historic submarines that's outside that people can visit. Now, I wonder why he took the video there. I don't know. But what, I wonder also why. Well, he takes a lot of weird videos, right? That guy? Yeah, because he took a video with the- Yeah, he's not good at taking videos of himself.

He said OnlyFans or a cam model, right? Yeah. Or something. So he did a video with her? videos right that guy yeah because he's not good at the taking videos of himself he said only fans or a cam model right yeah or something so he did a video with her yeah i guess is what he said he says one and and it's online and she put it online it's what he says fucking isn't there a such thing as like uh revenge porn can't like it's illegal i i think it is i don't know it's illegal but i also think that it doesn't it's like so hard to prosecute it's also um vancouver uh sorry canada so who knows what the fuck right the laws are there knows yeah um but definitely this isn't one of those situations that you where you go okay all in i'm a porn actor yeah no that's not a good right because porn star is one of those things that like is thrown around like you you'll be like yo she's a porn star is one of those things that like is thrown around

like you you'll be like yo she's a porn star and you're like really and she did three videos and it's like dude right you got to work for that star thing people just mean act like someone who was in you know like once even they'll say a porn star i find that weird too i mean i think that that guy just basically you know you got to just own it and be like yeah i did it and she fucking put it out didn't mean for it too but how about the way i lay it down how about the way i do the horizontal mambo he doesn't have options he doesn't have options yeah he well what do mean? Like he's asking for advice and there's no advice to give. All I can say is that sucks. Right.

I mean, you're not going to be like, well, it leaked. Now I'm a porn star. That's not a fucking option. That's just like a change in career path. Yeah. There is this sort of thing in the world that exists now, though, where it's just like lean into whatever the fuck you think people think you are you know especially social media wise like everyone's got a presence digitally and trump kind of made it so it's like all right i'm the guy who you hate but i'm the fucking i'm gonna tell it like it is and i got my fan base who fucking believes in me

ride or die so that guy is basically um riding this trump effect where it's like, look, she put out a video. Maybe I'm just a porn star now and fuck everybody. I think that's a bad thing though. I think you're just- But you're not, he's not a porn star.

He's just in some cam girl's video one time. Right, right, right. You can't just be like, well, I was an extra in the latest Mel Gibson movie.

Should I just lean into this and become a movie star? Yeah. It's just like- Start taking pictures and autographs with people. You don't like just, it's not like you'd snap your this and become a movie star? Yeah. It's just like- Start taking pictures and autographs with people. You don't like just- It's not like you'd snap your fingers and suddenly you are the fucking thing.

I saw a building. I'm an architect. Yeah. Yeah. So basically, all this guy did was call in to brag that he fucked somebody on camera and it's on public. Yeah. Also, the guy doesn't want people to know.

He's fucking letting people know. Yeah. What the fuck? Lifeline. This is on a fucking lifeline. It's got millions and trillions of views. I i know i don't buy this guy at all yeah you know what dude you're a faker bro he's a faker there might not even be a video of you there's no video i bet oh dude we've been had prove it send it in to the fucking show we want

proof of you and your schlong in this fucking video who fucks a guy on an outside submarine anyway she couldn't he couldn't have a have a sexual partner in that little area anyway. He's never fucked on camera. And if we're wrong, send it to us. Wow. Let us watch. So fucking pervy. Let us watch.

Let us watch by ourselves. Yes, exactly. I'll get some Funyuns and fucking Diet Coke. Disgusting. Go ahead. Fucking disgusting. All right, let's do another one. What's up, Matt?

What's up, Chris? Elliot West here coming from sunny Los Angeles, California. Where I've been living for about a year. Pursuing my acting career now that I've gotten a little more comfortable in that arena and I've found my footing in that, I'd like to branch out and do stand-up, which I've wanted to do forever, but my hometown didn't really have any open mic places or open mic places that allowed children under the age of 21. Now that I got the fake, I'm going up and I'm doing a three-minute set tonight in about an hour.

And I know these questions are going to get answered late or not at all, but I'll make it quick. I have a question for Chris and for Matt. For Chris, is there anything in your career that you realized years into it, years of doing stand-up, that you wish you knew just a little bit sooner to make things easier for you? If you knew it just a couple years prior, maybe you would have been able to find your flow better or something. Maybe save me a couple years of trial and error. Anyways, for Matt, you're hilarious. I've seen your podcast. I've seen you on Chris's podcast. And now I get to see you guys next to each other weekly. I couldn't be more happy. That being the case, you've got to have about 15 minutes or something, man. I want to

see you do stand up, even though it's not your venture. You ever think about doing it just for shits and giggles? Anyways. All right. I'm going to gonna go put up my set i'm gonna go eat shit thanks guys i mean that guy gives the micro machines guy a run for his money with how fast that was i mean he makes vince vaughn sound seem like gandhi dude that is so fast the way he was speaking and props to you for that that was that's gonna help you yeah um you started at the right time he's starting when he wants to he's starting when he's young enough uh that's a what a good question that was what a good i gotta say what a good question that was for this dude to to be so aware of his situation that that's the question he asks is is there anything that you would have done differently because a lot of young comedians will come up to me and say what do i do to make it or um do you have any advice and you know a guy asked me the other day

and i said how long have you been doing stand-up and he said like two months and i said there is no advice you have to the only advice is go on stage as much as possible but i knew that back then i went on stage as much as possible i would do two three four five shows a night in los angeles i was driving all over creation going really you know know, uh, going from spot to spot. Hey, I'm going to be late. I'm fucking this and that doing the open mics. So, you know, he didn't ask for this kind of advice, but you got to go up as much as possible. Um, the, he said, what would I have done differently? I don't know what I would have done differently. You know, I mean, I had like like my trajectory was pretty quick so i you know differently would have maybe made it take longer or whatever uh i i think just if you just do

as many shows as possible don't ever ask to be on shows um which i never did anyway like people just kind of what would i have done differently okay here's something i would have done differently don't post your material don't post your material early on it's bad you're bad and it's not your fault i was bad too i got stuff quick but i was still bad you have to like now i'm a much better comic than i was fucking 10 years ago, obviously, because I've been working way more and way harder. But yeah, I think that don't post your stuff. You're going to want to.

You're going to want to be that fucking crowd work TikTok guy that gets fucking people to come. You want to be a comedy more than anything is in the arts is a marathon. It's not a fucking sprint. And I've always fucking asked you why you don't do stand-up. And the reason is Matt hates fucking stand-up. Yeah, I'm not in stand-up. I never really was. There are people who do stand-up that I'm like, wow, they're fucking so great.

There are a lot of those people, actually. And if I go to a show, will laugh and enjoy yeah he's not sitting there just like yeah no that being said it's never a thing i want to go to i want to put on the tv if i'm gonna sit down and put something on i want it to be a movie i don't want to fucking watch some person unless i'm a huge fan of theirs like i'll fucking i'll put on fucking chris rock special uh obviously i've been to your shows a lot and enjoyed myself yeah you've also directed my last special so and i yeah and i don't i don't not enjoy it when i'm there but it's just zero percent of my you have to be a fan of the person really it's not right stand-up is an event also you um

you were like when i first started doing stand-up i was like why don't you do it or something and you were like what do you got to do just like hang out like every night and i said yeah and he was like you're like i don't want to do that i don't want to do that at all yeah so yeah i get that you're a fucking you're a you're a hermit a bit i am a little bit of a hermit yeah and i'm it's too bad too because you have excellent shirts to show yeah i mean now that i have this podcast though i don't need to socialize at all true yeah sit at home until i do this every every fucking week but yeah that's the reason he's doing three minutes huh i wonder what the he might be doing the comedy story if he's in he could really pack it in he could get

like six minutes worth because he's talked so fucking yeah true yeah the guy could do his half hour special in three minutes and another thing about cell phones is um yeah have you seen the news today by daniela uh good luck dude it already happened but good luck and keep going that's cool man i love it let's see your next one hey guys so i recently broke up with someone and found myself in a new relationship two weeks later i'm currently in that relationship i'm very happy with my decision however i can't help but feel a little bit guilty for maybe moving on too fast. I just want to know your guys' thoughts

on moving on from a relationship and if there's an appropriate time that you should wait before moving on. Thanks, guys. No. The answer is absolutely not. There's no appropriate amount of time you're supposed to wait or anything like that.

Yes, dude. Yeah. Do what you want. Yes, you do what you want, to wait or anything like that. Yes, dude. Yeah. Do what you want. Yes, you do what you want, dude. She's living that hedonistic lifestyle. You know, she still looks like somebody from Toronto. I can't believe she's not. She could be living in Toronto.

Yeah, but I sensed, though. You thought she was from there. What I sensed was she was foreign and I was right. So I went a little bit. No, no, no. You can't do that. Well, I knew she was an American and I went a little bit. You can't see that you You can't do that. Well, I used to watch American and I went a little bit. You can't see that you're wrong and then scoot into rightness.

That's my whole life. Yeah, I know. Scooting into rightness is my whole life. I'm here to tell you, you cannot scoot into rightness anymore. Those days are over. I'm here to put a stop, put a halt to your scooting into rightness. Gore the God Butcher, and I'm Thor. Constipated. You're scooting into rightness gore the god butcher and i'm thor um he's constipated you're scooting into rightness um i'm here to put a stop into you scooting into rightness the answer is no you met someone you fall in love with them that's it doesn't matter if it takes seven years or seven days after you broke up from your previous relationship.

It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. You do what you do. And don't listen to other people that are like, you know, you should take a little more time. What does it even mean? Yeah. If she's not ready, then she wouldn't be dating a fucking new person.

I guess so. Yeah. Or she's just a sociopath and doesn't fucking love anybody. And just fucking, you know what I mean? Then even more than don't wait. Yeah, true. Just break hearts out there, baby. Just go i mean then even more than don't wait yeah true just break hearts just go just go yeah um yeah you don't wait i mean it sucks for the other guy i guess if he like loved you and shit also like how long did you go out with the person

i don't know there's no rule man like what's too long anyway what's too short anyway you don't know right you'd ask somebody and they'd give you like somebody would say three months somebody would say one month somebody would say a year so it's like it's not up to it's one of those things that just whatever dude when i i used to say this a lot of my podcasts hedonistic lifestyle and of course i don't mean just go and do whatever you want if we're going to be real but also you got to live what feels right to you and if you are living what feels right to you then you are doing what john lennon said living i don't know he doesn't even know only got only got to living he said something like uh fucking a day of uh jesus living

i don't remember what he said but john you don't whatever he was shot in the head so maybe it was wrong he wasn't living totally right because he died way early no but what i'm saying is man and yoko ono really like seems like she would be really annoying to hang out with huh nah i didn't watch the new beatles doc and so everybody's mad at me for that but apparently she really wasn't in fucking anything up she was just hanging out everybody would blame her for breaking up the Beatles and apparently in Peter Jackson's new documentary

the truth appears to be that she actually was just sort of like hanging out and was a scapegoat. Peter Jackson, the guy who did Lord of the Rings?

Yeah. You didn't know he made that? I know he did Lord of the Rings. No, you didn't know he made the new Beatles thing? I didn't even know there was a new Beatles thing.

What the fuck? Do you know why though? Beatles are terrible. That's not the point. It was like a cultural moment. Like a big deal, not just in the music world, but in like the world.

What, the Beatles? You didn't know? No, I know. The Beatles, but I wasn't alive back then. It's called Get Back. Get Back the Beatles? What the fuck are you talking about?

It's called Get Back the documentary? It's called Get Back. The documentary. When did it come out? Anthony, was that last year? It doesn't. Yeah. Oh, okay. So recently. Yeah yeah very recently um i don't know man but what i'm saying is yoko ono seemed annoying just by kind of like looking at how she handled herself but let's get

back to the fucking thing here okay let's get back to the thing what was the thing the thing is a day it's something like if you're living a day of pleasure it's not wasted or something because you're doing what you want right and you're you're having a good time okay here's the thing you didn't need john lennon because that's such a vague general thing to say you could have just said it's not a waste of time if you're enjoying yourself that's my quote that's i think that's almost exactly what john lennon said okay well me and him i guess are similar but the point is you didn't need to take three minutes to try to come up with a quote when you could have just said it in your own words plainly it also could have been one of those things where it was like

you know how everyone's like will smith said this or chris hemsworth said this and it's like shows a fucking picture of him in a hot tub and it's like and then will smith is probably looking at this shit like i didn't say that chris hemsworth was like what in fucking sight yeah what vile what's going on i didn't fucking say that wow that is a chris hemsworth impression yeah that's so bad yeah sure i'll do thor yeah what do you think about the way chris hemsworth looks he's handsome as shit i pissed next to him once you know what my shoulders are broader anyway go ahead i i think he is extremely handsome he's handsome as fuck yeah but i think say and instead of but, otherwise it's so dead. The and, I think, not only is he amazing looking, he looks like the dumbest guy in the fucking world.

Like, think about it. Think about it. Think about how fucking dumb he looks, dude. Like, I remember the first still for Thor when it came out, I just started laughing. Because I was like, look how fucking dumb this guy looks, dude. Why though? Because he's just like a big and bulky and blonde.

But he's not really bulky. He's got like beautiful eyes. He's like, yeah, probably. Okay. Well, what about fucking the one guy that Kristen likes and whatever? It's not a big deal. I don't know who. Jason Momoa, right?

No, he doesn't look as dumb. He's so big, that guy. Yeah, but he doesn't look dumb to me. He looks like he's probably read a lot of poetry and has a lot on his brain. Chris Hemsworth doesn't know what a book is. That's what he looks like. Wow.

Yeah. He thinks books are just things for old people. You know? He doesn't understand. So ask me about a book. You think? Like, he doesn't understand if you said- So ask me about a book you think Chris Hemsworth is like this.

Hey man, how's it going? Yeah, what'd you think of The Great Gatsby? Oh, I don't know. Yeah.

Right. It's good. And he's just thinking about the movie, you know? Lay it out of the camera. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. It's cool, we were up for the same part. Right, he would audition and almost get the role and still not know it was a book one day. It was that guy who was also in it, Tobey Maguire. He was good.

That actually does sound like him. That one. The first one you did sounded nothing like him. Tobey Maguire, he's good. Yeah. I'm Thor. Ask him about a book. Ask him about a book.

So, The Sun Also Rises is a favorite of mine. I'm Thor. Christian Bale's in the new one. Just can't. Just when he freezes or doesn't know what to say, he just says, I'm Thor. The Sun Also Rises is what it's called? The Sun Also Rises, yeah. There's a movie that the guy who is in Passenger 57 is in.

Wesley Snipes? Yeah, he did a movie with the guy who played James Bond. Oh, Sean Connery. Yeah, something about the sun. Rising Sun. That's like that one. No, but Rising Sun is also based on a book right yeah so do you know what a book is yep so what they'll do is they'll do um tell me what a book is so i've read books a ton of books

i've read the first book i read was batmans. They make a movie, right? And then what they'll do is they'll do like a synopsis of it and sell it in like Walgreens or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Batman Returns is the first book I read. Novelization is what that's called. After a movie is made, they make a book about it. It's called a novelization.

It's a movie first which is crazy because it makes you think how they made books hundreds of years ago before film existed right yeah this is by the way exactly what he's like for sure i've seen next one once he's handsome as shit my shoulders are broader but he's more cut so you win some you lose he's just more handsome in general than you by like 10 10 times it's not like that dude it's it's one honestly it's one of those things that's like you know yeah sure you can get the cookie cutter shit or you can get the dude where it's like yeah maybe some people think he's handsome maybe some people don't but there's something no everyone thinks he's special about him and i'm saying for me thank you oh no not for me yeah there's something about him for me people you know go like that about me oh okay and i peed next to him and then i go what he was like or something i

remember and then i presented an award with christina milian and he went like this no he didn't but in his head he probably did it was the people's choice award is what it was okay and i presented with christina milian okay and who is one of the most beautiful women in the world i don't even know who that is honestly she's a singer and um that's why yeah so she's great cool so that's how the story ends i bet she knows what books are yeah um okay let's do another one this is not a right time you just do what you do brothers what's going on my name is nolan but fuck nowhere mendocino california ah i own and operate a licensed weed farm hell yeah down here checking on the ladies um that brings me to my question these are the ladies i spend the most time with i'm originally from orange Orange County. Shout out Laguna Hills.

Hell yeah. Laguna Niguel, Dana Point. Okay. Growing up down there, you know, there's a lot of attractive people. And now living where I'm at, not so much. Right.

I like to think I have some kind of standards when it comes to dating. But out here, it's so limited. I am questioning my standards um love to hear what you guys think if you lived in the middle of nowhere where an la4 is like a 9 or a 10 you out there smashing those fours or you sticking your standards and uh just working hard you know that's all i got to do out here so love to hear what you guys think. Thank you for putting out all your content. Really appreciate it.

Gets me through my days. All right. Later. Thanks, Nolan. What I think about that is I think you're thinking about it the wrong way, actually. You shouldn't apply your standard to the people that you encounter. your standard to the people that you encounter you need to experience the way the person you encounter makes you feel and i don't mean like necessarily just emotionally like physically whether you're turned on by someone or whatever jizzing wise sure but like and then you after

that you apply sort of like the thing if you're doing it too superficially from the outside you can really get in your own way and just be like a fucking idiot who's just like not up to my standards not up to my standards not up to my standards but like if you get in there first and like don't have the idea of a standard in your mind and you're just experiencing the people around you i think you have a probably a better chance of finding someone attractive than otherwise. Even when it comes to physically like boner inducing shit? Specifically that. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're almost saying lead with your heart. Not really though. No, not really. I'm saying I think having a standard and applying that before you, like thinking about that first and foremost can get in your way of actually finding someone attractive.

Then why doesn't he just do that with people and not just chicks? Maybe he fucking does it with a dude and then falls in love with a dude. Sure. That's the fucking great question. Yeah. So you're saying maybe he's gay? Possibly. Or bi?

Definitely possible. Nothing that he exhibited made me think that specifically. But yeah, sure. He could be yeah hmm um it's like when straight guys go to all men all male jails they like often have long-term sexual relationships with the men in jail they're not gay i would do that congratulations but that's my not my point if if what if you were in jail for life would you fuck for life yeah here's the thing i would fuck guys if i felt like fucking guys there's no no part of me that would if i felt like it resist i would do it even if i didn't feel like it i'd be like let's just fucking we gotta see what's up here oh and i would do it why

i mean like dude you're in there for life and like you just like you're talking about like just mixing it up fuck it why not oh okay yeah let's see what's up dude hey bro what are you in here for oh fuck really capital murder yeah what are you doing tonight you're right okay you turn on by murderers no but like you like brian mcknight and you play some and then you just you know what i mean yeah that's the second time we've talked about brian mcknight um so uh what's your fucking advice i think first of all this guy's let me just say i get it this guy's in trouble orange county i don't know how often you've been to orange county rare i'm rarely there but dude the the women there from like i mean dude even like the 50 year old moms are like you would you would gnaw your arm off to to fucking go out with

they're so hot so but that's where he was yes that's where he's from okay so this dude i mean i see better than even better than i think better than Hollywood because like everyone comes to Hollywood and these models are all like, you know, wafey and like fake looking. But bro, you go to Orange County. They're a little bit fake looking, but like and there's a lot of plastic surgery. But dude, just the sun and the outdoor relaxing living and then not trying to prove anything and then not trying to like it's just not trying to like... It's just... They're so hot.

The dude... Like, the guy's a good-looking dude. The dudes are good-looking. It's just like a fucking crazy good-looking place. Okay. And so now he's in Mendocino. I don't know where the fuck that is. I know it's got that Aida Mendocino Farms,

but like the people who work there are very ugly, but like the... No relation, I don't think. Yeah, no. Well, I actually think that it is from the place is from this is they're saying no correlation to the people that are serving you a fucking sandwich at mendocino farms that has nothing to do with the people the way the people look in mendocino the place probably and definitely i don't mean to bad mouth well there's no correlation but it still could be the same amount of attractiveness level could be

right yeah so but that would be random not correlated again i guess so but wow not wanting to give in i'm just refusing to give in on that but um i think what makes you he's it's rough because he's going from one of the places where the fucking hottest people are to now a place where he just wants to hang out with plants, right? Sure, yeah. So like you're young, maybe work and let this shit come to you. Get on Tinder or Raya or whatever the fuck is out there. I don't even know Bumble, Grindr. Go Grindr.

Matt thinks you're gay, so maybe get on. If you're not attracted to people around you, then don't force yourself to be attracted to them don't force yourself but also lead with your you know like okay well maybe and even matt saying like meet dudes and maybe be open to like i actually didn't say that matt saying you know maybe just fuck some guys and like sure if he wants to definitely right yeah but i'm not suggesting it and you're making it sound like i am uh yeah i think it's a rough go dude because like it'd be one thing if you moved from fucking peoria but you did not but i'm telling you that's the mecca of

good-looking people orange county orange county not hollywood not dubai or whatever the fuck you know you see all these hookers post post pictures in dubai and they're just like i'm in dubai and you're like yeah but who you with though and she's like just out here chilling in dubai and it's like k your pockets got fatter you're hooking right yeah okay i mean i don't know that to be perfectly honest but well i do okay if you're in dubai and you're hot and you're alone on social media? You're hooking. Okay. Okay. Okay. So this guy's in trouble. And maybe shack up with somebody not because of looks if you're going to live there forever. Or still maybe set your Tinder on a different place. And then really get to know them and be like, by the way, I'm in Mendocino.

Whatever the fuck it's called. By the way. But before you get all pissed off, dude, I know you're not going to want to come move here check it out though we can be high all the time uh-huh yeah look at this yeah yep yeah all for what you got to get them out there yeah that's right yeah okay well another one yeah let's do another one look at this fella what's up bros this is cory calling in from Missouri. Big fan of both of you. Well, mostly Chris because I'm a true baby and life rips.

But let's be honest, man. If Matt wasn't there to keep you in check, we'd all just be doing spin moves and nothing would get done. Yeah, he's true. Love the show, though. Can't wait to see more. So here's what I need you guys' advice on today. My partner and I have been together almost two years now. We're very much in love.

And she's got these two beautiful little girls that just melt my heart. They make me feel like a better man. I would love to be their dad one day. The issue is her side of the family can be a little bit toxic. Her mom in particular is always trying to undermine our parenting, take control of things, disrespect our boundaries. I don't think she's a good influence on the kids. But my partner is still always sending them over there to be babysat.

And it can be disruptive for me, and I don't think it's very healthy. So I'm just not sure what I should do. Do I step in and try to keep them home more, or do I just kind of let it be and let them figure it out? Maybe it's not so big a deal. Let me know what you think. Thanks, guys. Peace out. I think you should go with that

depending on how toxic it is then they are you know that's a word that's kind of thrown around so much lately like you don't even know if people mean it anymore i'm going to take this guy for what he's saying as as face value though um you know that's kind of par for the course dude is just parents that do that just like grandparents and like also especially like mother father-in-law you know it's like this is just the these are the issues you're gonna have when you have a partner especially that comes with kids yeah and um i think that you know look i'm blessed to have fucking great grandparents for calvin and shit and like um but you know even even with great grandparents there's still things that are just gonna like you're gonna butt heads against it's

a little tricky though because you want to be their dad and you're not their dad right um and hopefully you're in love and she think you know your partner thinks that you're a great dad you would be a great dad and maybe you can adopt them someday that guy's definitely would be a great i mean sure seems like it right even though he likes you more than he likes me he would be well that's one of the reasons why he'd be a great dad no um and uh you know i just think that uh it's a uh it's a tricky situation because you're not technically your dad yet but you want to be so in a way it's like look you got to act what you want you got to act the way you want like if you're a stand-up comedian you don't say i want to be a stand-up comedian you get on stage and you say

i'm a stand-up comedian well yeah what shows you do i do open mics well that's not technically what a stand-up comedian does was like yeah but it is though every stand-up comedian has done stand-up and open mics so i'm a comedian fuck off you got to live what you want so if you want to be their dad and the mom is cool with you possibly being that with their dad then start acting like their dad and say to you know the wife the wife your wife or your partner um you know maybe you got to open up dialogue and you got to say like you know this is what your mom did or this is what your your dad did and it's i feel like it's toxic to the kids um how do you feel this way if If she feels the same way, then offer to watch the kids more.

Because if that's the direction that you're going in, then that's the direction you're going in, and that's the direction you're going to be in anyway. If you will eventually be their dad, which is hopefully going to happen for you. What I was going to say actually is- And I give great advice. Ends up being similar to what you said,

which is like I think that you are in a position where you're like, I would say maybe on your way to being their father figure, being their father basically. And offer, because I don't know how bad these people are. Like are they putting crazy ideas in their head that are like dangerous for them in their future or are they just like fucking annoying like sneaking them too much sugar on the side like it's possible that's a big spectrum he's saying toxic and i know but still it could be a lot of things well sugar is toxic what i would say is try to

be the person that fills up their time instead. Like offer your own services, which is kind of what you're saying, to be the person that watches them as much as you can. And that also ends up covering ground toward where you want to be, which is sort of like their father figure. And you will also be able to show her how fucking good you are at the job.

Oh yeah, good. It's like you're a dad intern yeah yeah you're interning and you're like maybe this is what we should do for the fathership right exactly yeah look at this good pic well taking fucking pictures just in the middle of the show what we want right okay um so yeah uh i think that uh that's good this guy's it's gonna be fine this guy's got too good of a head on his shoulder you know why and it's like you could be like yeah but you don't know that you don't know the partner but like yeah but you wouldn't have such a good head on your shoulder if it wasn't or you wouldn't be with somebody who's

so fucking insane if you have that good of a head on your shoulder i think the the woman in question is great i think he's great and i think probably the parents are a little fucking wackadoodle bandies yeah yeah i'm a wackadoodle sweetheart every single Yeah. Yeah? Mm-hmm. I'm a wackadoodle, sweetheart. Every single note was the same. You're tongue-deaf. Let's do another one. If you ever said it again, your neck will break.

I've said it a lot. Your neck will break. Hi, my name is Veronica. I'm from Michigan, and I have a problem with my mother-in-law. Well, I'm not even married, but I've been with this guy for four and a half years. He's got three kids.

I've been living with them for over three, and he was born in Costa Rica. Well, his whole family lives over there, like his parents and his grandparents. And the mom comes over and stays with us for like an entire month out of the year. And her permanent address in the United States is our house. So we have to like go through her mail constantly, which is annoying. And she's coming in two weeks. her mail constantly which is annoying and she's coming in two weeks um the last time she was here i actually saw on our nest camera in our living room oh boy we had to put one up because he has

a teenage girl and you know boys whatever yeah yeah anyway i saw on the nest camera that she like because we have audio she was talking so much shit about me i mean she was saying how i come from a poor family. I don't know how to handle the kids. I, you know, I'm this and that. Is that allowed to no one? And I need advice on how to handle it this time around. I no longer have access to the nest because I never wanted to hear somebody say stuff like that about me again in my own house.

And we don't even talk like hardly at all so should i ignore her should i confront her she has no idea i heard everything thank you guys peace out you should absolutely confront her absolutely fucking confront her and be like hey you know i heard you talking shit about me is there a problem yeah boom bing bang boom i'm a wacky doodle. No. Sweet, huh? No, no, no. Same note. So you say, I mean, yeah, dude. Wow. Dude, call her fucking out. Got no time for this shit?

Oh, fuck. That's crazy. You got no time for this. But you have to tell the guy first. You don't think she's told her husband? No, no, no. I'm saying that you're going to talk to them. Oh, sure. Or maybe have him deal with it if it's his mom you know what i'm saying i don't know i'm just trying

to think of like maybe times where like my like either kristin or my girlfriends in the past have been like hey this is happening can you talk to your mom or dad about this what about the other way around has it ever been you have a problem right with yeah the parent of your partner and you want your partner to handle it instead of you i don't ever i'm just like whatever who cares yeah i would do it i guess that's okay yeah i guess i would do it yeah so then i would definitely do it to the dad but not to maybe not to the mom right i mean i would do it to anybody i'm'm kind of confrontational, though. So am I. Yeah. Really? Like that, you are?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I think she should do it. But if he doesn't want her to specifically, maybe he has a point. Maybe it would be better if he did it better for both of them. But I don't know. And I don't pretend to know.

I'm just saying that woman needs to be confronted. What is she doing talking shit about you inside your house that you let her stay in for a fucking month out of the goddamn year? By the way, I want to give props to this fucking lady for saying you don't have access to this Nest Cam anymore because you don't want to hear. That is such a grown-up way to handle that. I don't actually think I understand. Can you tell me what that means? She's saying she heard that and then she was like, all right, I'm this nest thing anymore i'll have my husband deal with it we have it all you know what i mean like which is awesome that's like that's like the number one way to deal with it

because why fucking have that shit enter your brain if you don't need need it to be but that's fucked up dude she's getting your oh oh you want to get your mail at my house yeah yeah oh walk in like that and say that first that's what it should be like oh you want to get your mail at my house? Yeah, yeah. Oh, walk in like that and say that first. That's what it should be like. Oh, you want to get, oh, with all the mail, just letting it fucking fall out of your hands and be like, but what's up with this shit talk though? But what's up with this shit? Oh, you think because you get mail here

that you can talk shit about the other people that live here. Well, let me tell you how it's going to be and listen to hit him up first listen to hit him up okay when he's just like when you know how it starts with i fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker and he's like by the end we go fuck my this is how we're gonna do this fuck my deep fuck back my record fuck you won't be done with them fuck you too and then approach her and be like oh you want to get mail here bitch i think that might i mean i just said i was confront here bitch i think that might i mean i just said i was confrontational but i think that might be a bit much like this and i think you might

i think you might immediately enter being in the wrong yeah but also you'd be like this how we do it in fucking america dude and then play lean back so much music playing and then be like and then with the nest cam just showing her and then you have to lower the music because hold on let me let me make this louder this is what you did so two songs this is such a time commitment now well you play the tupac thing and then you go in and then you do it with the fucking lean back while you're doing it and then you turn down the volume of lean back and then you turn up the nest cam and be like i heard you doing this what about just going up there and saying hey i heard you i don't know if you knew this but you were actually

on camera documented on video talking shit about me in my house would you mind telling me what that's about that would be bald if i'm the lady do you know what i do no i know speak english i'm from but but she knows she knows that you can speak speak to me as a little i'm from costa rica i don't know fucking idiot go ahead say well i heard you talking shit in english about me i was guessing words yeah well yeah okay i don't know what i say english why that would be maddening you know oh that would be the best dude then you'd have a right to kick her out of your house yeah maybe yeah the guy should be really mad though yeah you know what i mean just talking shit about his wife like come on

come on mom it'd be so hard to fucking do that with your parents you know do what to be like you were talking shit about my wife i think it would be so easy to be like hey mom stop talking shit about you know mom in our house but you know moms the next generation moms is dad but like the next generation's gonna be like i didn't do that shit or like you know what she needs to this you know moms you know yeah but still especially if she's already saying like you know you don't deal with the kids right or whatever the fuck you're not you're a bad mom she thinks she's a bad mom she's like well you know i i've been doing this i'm fucking yeah you know i've been i've raised kids i raised you and she needs to this and that you know how it goes still though even

even more so though even more so what i was saying more so like oh yeah i agree yeah fucking open call her out to her face look her in the fucking eye look her right in the fucking eye have that nest cam ready though she said she doesn't have access to it i know but have the husband give her that ready to be like you know slide it on over i say i say set up more cameras cut try to catch her doing it again and get several different angles of it and then take the footage and then cut it together like super dramatic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a good movie scene and then say, we all want to sit down and watch a family movie. Oh, wow. That's great. With her there and put it on.

That's great. And everyone's looking at the screen and you just stare at her. Yeah, and hire Richard or hire fucking David Attenborough to do the fucking. That would be good, yeah. Yeah, and watch

the mother-in-law yeah talk right mad shit yeah yeah we thought it was all good but did you know that mother-in-laws especially from a generation above you talk shit about you yeah yeah she bad at parenting it could be expensive to get him to do it. Probably really expensive. Yeah. Okay. Want to do one more or what? Do we have one more? All right.

What's up, guys? So I've been a huge fan of yours for the longest time, specifically because your family dynamic is so similar to mine that all of your stories make me go they get it ah nice like everything from the a little bit more toast button into like the number of pieces of meat in the spaghetti yeah the amount of sauce on the calamari is just I can totally imagine having these conversations with my dad except we have our own situations My dad once put Alfredo sauce on his salad,

ate the whole thing, and never realized it wasn't ranch dressing. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. So I feel like advice from you is going to be all the more relevant. Ah.

I moved to China in 2018, and I've been here since then. Now, at the very beginning, it was great. My parents would come and visit once a year, and I've been here since then. Now at the very beginning it was great like my parents would come and visit once a year and I would go home once a year and so it was ideal. I get to see my family and I get to have my awesome job that I have here. I get to be with my awesome girlfriend. I live in an awesome apartment just like my whole life quality situation was amazing. But then COVID happened and they completely shut down travel here so if i leave there's no guarantee i can come back right and if i do finally manage to come back i need to do a mandatory three weeks

of quarantine before i can do anything so like there's no like hey job can i have off for a month and three months i sorry a month and three weeks yeah right so i haven't seen my family in two and a half years damn and i'm kind of at the point where it's like how much longer can i do this yeah because i planned on living here this isn't like a temporary yeah i really like being here i speak the language like i've i've settled down here but at the same time like how long can i go with just never seeing my family and it's just getting suckier all the time my family met up for christmas and they all had this awesome time together and not me wow that do you think i should do chlatina um a two and a half year i'm trying to i mean dude if you didn't see your me for two and a half years

it's a really long time but it's already been two and a half years how much longer could it possibly be from now well yeah that that but that's what he probably said a year in he did but now it's even more true or it's just going gonna keep going yes i mean i don't know what else can he do he's back home but he's in a situation where he's with the fucking love of his life and he has his dream job what is it now well why how come his parents can't come out there because it's they're just old and they and they don't want to quarantine too? Why don't they just move? You know, old people.

You know what, dude? It's kind of, I don't know how old they are. He looks kind of youngish. But like maybe. You couldn't ask mom and dad to move to fucking China. I could not? Yeah. I could not, you're saying? Yeah.

You know they would say no. Well, yeah, because they work. But if dad, I don't know the different situation though. If I had a grandkid and mom and dad were 75 and they were done working, I mean, you know mom and dad would come out for six months at a time. You know what I mean? But I don't know what their situation is. That's true. Maybe they could, yeah. I mean, they're older and if they're retired, then I think you should delegate.

Also, if the fucking dad ate fettuccine sauce on his salad, thought it was ranch, he doesn't know what the fuck is going on anyway. He doesn't even know where he is. You just put him in China, he doesn't even know. You'd be like, this is fucking still Nashville or wherever the fuck it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I agree with that.

It looks different. Everyone has tans, but like, you know? Yeah, you're probably right. And they cough in your faces. But we don't know about the mom though yeah she might notice i mean if she's with a yeah i guess i don't know man i mean i think it's i think i think it's fair to say it's definitely a little bit more on the older generation the mom and dad your mom and dad to figure something out a little bit more but but

then again it's not just his mom and dad it It's his whole family, right, he said? Yes. It's his sister, brother. So maybe, so they're not going to move just for him. So yeah, it is kind of more on him. I think just wait. I think China's not going to have a zero COVID policy for another two years.

It might be another one year. But dude, you've been two and a half into it. Just wait one more year. Yeah. And then go home for a whole month. Wait a little bit yeah yeah i think the move is to just wait a little bit more now you're so if you're in it you're so deep into it just bear down and keep going yeah and also like when you show up bring some alfredo sauce yeah but that'll be so sweet to be man i would cry so much that's uh that's rough bro that sucks

man yeah what bad timing you had when you moved to china bad bad job yeah it's his fault bad job at having timing when it comes to moving um yeah but i like that guy's energy he was really good i love that guy yeah he seems like you're doing well anyway even though you haven't seen your family but also like dude you know this is part of like growing up and becoming like now you're the guy who has the relationship with the woman and like you're gonna maybe have kids and shit these are like the decision god being an adult fucking sucks dude my son was running around you know what he was doing he had a bunch of dice like eight no like 10 dice in in a fucking i had no i i had nose uh i had a what do you call it a

bacteria in my nose i went to the nose doctor gave me pills and it's all cleared up and the pill bottle's empty and calvin's like he wanted the fucking pill bottle and he took a bunch of dice and just put it in the pill bottle he's just carrying around all day that's what he did all day yesterday i left today that was doing all day today and he says look at my beautiful dies that's what he says for beautiful look at my beautiful dice in that little pills bottle and all he does is just dump it out pick it out and put it back in man that's the shit dude that's the shit and now we got to deal with bullshit like this my son doesn't know about covid he's just picking up beautiful dice yeah that sounds so fucking boring i know but he loves it yeah it's true yeah yeah just do what you love man you know

there's a thing that john lennon said oh god like if you're living a day of pleasure then it's not wasted and uh listen to john lennon and shack up with your girlfriend and go to chlitla and or whatever i think waited out dude i think waited out also how much was that guy in a fucking gus van sant movie in the late 90s 90s? That guy was like the third lead in a Gus Van Sant movie. Also, it looked like in that video, it was 110 degrees. It looked hot. It looked so hot. It looked humid.

And not even because he was sweaty. Yeah, it looked humid, right? Yeah, humid. Amazing, dude. We're good detectives. Yeah. All right. So that's the show for today.

Thank you very much. Go to chrisdalia.com for tour tickets. I'm going to be in Atlanta, Washington, Peoria. I'm going to be in Stockton, Oakland. I'm going to be in Jacksonville. I'm going to be in Atlanta, Washington, Peoria. I'm going to be in Stockton, Oakland. I'm going to be in Jacksonville. I'm going to be in Grand Prairie, Texas. I'm going to be in, that's right, Grand Prairie, Texas. I haven't even announced that one yet.

Whoops. And I'm going to be in Boston, Massachusetts, Jacksonville, and Denver. So, and other places. So go to crystalia.com. I remembered all of them. If you have questions for us, it's not just about you. I don't know if you knew that. If you have questions for us it's not just about you i don't know if you knew that if you have questions for us yeah send the video uh link is in the description below or go to watch lifeline.com and also there's this out now the chris chris

philia.com there's this out now and also the life rips the new life life rips hoodie and then also we're working on lifeline merch right now yeah so guys get get it. Watchlifeline.com and appreciate you. And also activate the algorithm and leave advices for those people that they check the comments too. So leave advice and we'll reply to some of them

on the YouTube comments. Thanks a lot, guys. You rock. Yeah.