Lifeline - 81. The Pecking Order of Glasses

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

✨ LIFELINE LUXURY is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. New episode is out today! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. Today we have Chris's favorite submission ever regarding a toothbrush, we discuss prejudice against therapists, career curses, what it means when someone says the "timing isn't right", and if your name influences outcomes in your life.  📆 Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now our change honors LM Montgomery, along with Anne of Green Gables, the ambitious and inquisitive orphan every generation has embraced as its own. These special edition $1 circulation coins celebrate a timeless storyteller and story, the power of imagination, and the place that Montgomery's PEI holds in our hearts. Find the LM Montgomery $1 coin today. imagination, and the place that Montgomery's PEI holds in our hearts. Find the L.M. Montgomery $1 coin today. Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it.

Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. oh welcome to the show it's called lifeline and you love it it's episode 80 i think you do you do you know 81 episode 81 i would have i hadn't i if you asked me I would have no idea

I was extremely close couldn't have been closer and I'm smart what kind of shirt is that? a grey one dude you know what I just thought of Chris? you Chris? I thought of Greymon

a dude we used to go to middle school with Kevin Anderson you knew Kevin? anything he would add mon to the end Greymon, a dude we used to go to middle school with, Kevin Anderson. I know him. You knew Kevin? Yeah. He would just, anything he would add mon to the end, like Pokemon, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he had a lighter once, and he's like, this is Greymon. Why? Just because it was a grey lighter. I don't know. But we still say it. He started by saying he had a bong that he called Smokeymon. Oh, right, Smokeymon.

And then... Like Pokemon. Yeah. Do the entire... Okay. And then what? And then we started saying Smokeymon's pubisymon and then like pokemon yeah do the tire okay and then what and then we started saying smokeymon's pubis too because it's oh yeah you remember that i do yeah you remember that cool uh didn't answer didn't answer what was the question about the shirt is it a hand i don't know oh okay this is how i let people check my tab okay this is how i let people check my tab okay lands end oh i like lands end do you yeah i like you know it yeah they got cool like i don't even

know if they're still a brand but they got cool like 80s 90s like not outdoor gear but kind of like kind of like l bean you know uh l l bing bong l bing bong bing bong bing ladies love bean ladies love when i say so annoying people turned it off oh episode 81 sunday october 29th and sunday's up for lifeline go sign up for lifeline luxury that's uh patreon.com slash lifeline luxury uh and you can do that now now check this out i'm on tour why is it not up yet go go figure you know what i mean go figure right nobody knows especially because last time we go what happened last time not up uh the thing that happened last time is that you got mad when it wasn't up and you would think right right right it would be ready to go this time but it wasn't it wasn't okay but

i'll be in long beach november 2nd uh i'll be in Orlando, Florida, Fort Myers, Florida, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Trenton, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Redding, and Oxnard, California. Go to ChrisLeah.com to get tickets. And if you have a question, click the link in the description below or go to WatchLifeline.com. If you want a one-on-one advice session with matt delia no no no then matt delia matt delia.com baby i'll save your life if you let me if you are so gracious as to let me save your life i will save your life hi johnny and then lifeline merch is at lifelinemerch.com and it's absolutely beautiful you got to go on there and get that uh you know what i did today did you say the thing about luxury i I did, yeah. Okay, great.

Go ahead. The thing that I did? What did you do today, Chris? We were talking about clothes. You know, your shirt? Yeah. I... You don't need to tie it in.

You could just say, you know. So, shirts. We're on the subject of shirts. You know how you're wearing shirts? Okay. I got an email from a place that I i've ordered stuff from before right like clothes i don't really look at them those emails but sometimes i do yeah because i never look at those things but i know but sometimes i do because i'm like what do they got right sucker that's why

they send them yeah right but i got but i'm like i'm not really in a market to buy anything right now. I have enough whatever I need. I click on it and I see a very, very, very, very cool jacket. And then what happened? And I clicked on it to go to the website. It took me to go to the website and I looked at it and the jacket was $1,100 and I did not buy it. Smart. Smart.

And I want to and I still want to and I've been thinking about it all day. Let's talk about this what kind of shirt is that represent i don't know what that is but that is maybe your best t-shirt that's a great shirt why why i don't know i really like it i don't know what i have a bunch of shirts that are this that are different colors with the r on it oh yeah well that's good then because it's not the color that i like i do like the yeah yeah but really that's a cool design yeah i wear probably the most t-shirts i wear i represent it's a it's a uk color that I like. I do like the color. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? That's a cool design. I wear probably the most t-shirts I wear are Represent. It's a UK-based company.

How about this? When people say, Represent! Well, then that actually makes me want to not wear the shirts. Yeah, you hate that. But that's not true, though. Now I have a question for you, though. Okay. There's these glasses.

Uh-huh. Such fashion-forward episode. And then there's also these glasses. So why do you have two pair of glasses on you that's not where i wanted to take it but you can ask me that i don't want to take it with the fucking smoky months thing but you did it i didn't want i was i was operating something though i was driving us somewhere and you took us to some you took us off i understand but you did the pokemon's thing when i was talking about great the gray shirt you're like oh you know what i

thought oh okay so i didn't even mean to get you back, but I did get you back. So tip for tat. But I didn't mean to. Okay. Okay. So what did you ask me? Why do you have two glasses on you? For this reason.

You brought them to just show on the show? Yeah. Oh, no. I'm not done yet, dude. Which pair do you like better? And which pair do you all like better? Because it's not the main pair I wear, but it's the secondary pair. What's the secondary pair what's the secondary

pair whichever one you like more whichever one they like oh i see so you have two they're not new though are they new no okay well what does it matter this doesn't matter it does try to establish a pecking order of glasses i understand but why if they're not new why are you doing this now because i just thought of it okay i have another question before we even get into it okay go did you were they in your car or do you put them in your car to bring them here to do this they were sitting next to my keys i grabbed the wrong glasses and i thought oh you know what i'm gonna bring the other pairs as well to do the thing on the show so i can talk about that really satisfies me thank you and i'm pissed at you okay so can i see the other ones again oh my god well

i mean i now i want to take in the whole thing because you said there's these and then there's these and i didn't really look at the first ones. Now I see these. Okay. Okay. I can model glasses. I get it. Charlie, fat ass is in my way.

Well, you picked them up on you. Which ones are better? I think probably those are better technically. Okay. But these are cool too. They're fashion. They're a little different though. Fashion.

These used to be my main pair, but you know what happened? Calvin bit them and scratched the shit out of him. But I still, I almost threw him away, but I kept him because I thought it was cute. Yeah. That Calvin fucked up my glasses and that's like a cute thing. However, it gives me a headache when I wear them too long. Really? Yeah.

Just because of a little scratch? It's in the wrongest place. Whoa, really? It like fucks with my focus because it's right in the wrong place. So where are the other ones then? I decided that those are the great. The main ones my bag well what are those then i'm trying to establish a pecking order of glasses i already know what's number two number three yes oh okay well that's two okay maybe i think that's one though i don't know the other one so now i'm wearing three i

don't care i know that's number one if you have the number one in your bag why are you not wearing the number one because i wear it all the time I wear them all the time. Everybody knows. So you wanted to take a little break from it? No. I just... All I wanted to do was establish a pecking order. Was to do the thing. Stop saying pecking order.

Dude, I'm never going to stop saying pecking order. Gregory pecking order, dude. So what you wanted to do is not wear those to do this. So you could get the pecking order. Oh, wait. Do I have... I might have the regular ones in my bag. I'm not sure. I honestly don't know. There we go. I get the pecking order. Oh, wait. Do I have... I might have the regular ones in my bag. I'm not sure.

I honestly don't know. There we go. I don't know. Okay. Well, whatever. I like the other ones. And then you're being disrespectful in wearing those because I said I like those better. I put the bronze on.

Okay. I'll put the silver on. I got the silver. Let's see. I think those are probably better. Okay. I'm not saying I don't like the other ones, though. Now, what does everybody else think?

Let us know in the comments. Leave it in the comments. You like gray or clear? Gray or clear, yes. Well, that's great. But, you know, I don't know. So, you don't think I should have got that jacket? No, I don't even know what it looks like, but that's too much money.

It's very cool. I bet it is. But you know what? I don't need it. Sometimes we don't get the things that we really want. I know. Because we what it looks like, but that's too much money. It's very cool. I bet it is. But you know what? I don't need it. Sometimes we don't get the things that we really want. I know. Because we know it's not. Gratified.

What kind? Or do you not want to say it? Yeah, what was the brand? Why would I not want to say it? Because I don't want people to get it if I want to get it. Yo, you're being extra annoying tonight. You're being extra annoying tonight. I'm not going to say it.

Because what if I do want to get it, and then this episode comes out, I can't get it anymore because our legion of fans all got them. Everyone's just going to get an $1,100 jacket. That's not a thing most people do. Yeah, I'm not going to do it, though. Was it the Kith one? No, it wasn't. And if it was, I wouldn't say it.

Anthony, the fucking guy's trying to expose me. No, it's not. Is there a new Kith jacket out? The one I sent you. Oh, that one. No, it wasn't that one. Was that $1,100? Yes, it was.

Oh, wow, that's funny. Dude, every anthony opens his fuck mouth yeah charlie goes like this i i know because charlie because ah it's coming animals can sense evil you guys you guys you know what that's from no what is it from ace ventura cool that's great i love ace ventura i know other lines from it most of them uh my dog charlie's here this is my dog oh yeah oh shit i didn't even realize it was charlie i didn't realize it was charlie oh what do you think it was i thought it was one of those one of his dogs one of those dogs no this is charlie the one and only hey charlie so uh all right well i'm getting my hair cut it's going to be this is it it's as long as it's been for a long time looks good why are you getting a cut because it's too long according to what uh i'm

i'm 43 i think once you're in your 40s this is it it can't be any longer than this that's a you made that up yeah but i think it's how it should be okay if you're in your 40s and you have hair longer than this it's too much it's just too much and there you have it folks okay um i guess it is pretty fucking long your hair's not usually that long yeah kind of reused does it It's too much. It's just too much. And there you have it, folks. Okay. I guess it is pretty fucking long. Your hair's not usually that long, yeah. Keanu Reeves does it. I mean, he's the man, too.

I'm the man? You just got utterly debunked. I'm the man? But you're saying if you're over 40 and you have hair that long, it's not good. He is well over 40, and he's the man. He probably honestly looks better with it cut short maybe but he doesn't care dude doesn't care the best thing about keanu is how little he cares that is true he cares about like being nice it's it's not fair to really do it with a guy with i mean jared leto and keanu look way younger than they than they are so it's not really fair jared

leto's 50 51 i mean yeah so over 50 and he looks like that it's crazy it's really weird yeah what kind of like adrenochrome shit is that guy up to you know oh that doesn't exist but yeah oh really i know that you know uh oh adrenochrome doesn't actually exist and make people look younger become younger become younger um yeah so anyway all right. Well, look, that's cool. It's good we got through that. All right, great. Do you want to do a submission? Yeah, so nervous to ask me if I want to do a submission.

It should go okay. It should go okay. All right, yeah, let's have it. Oh, so dark. Hey, Chris and Matt, long time log cabin constructor here. Quick question. It kind of pertains to me. My situation is a little more complicated.

Is it? But what do you think about girls who, uh, you know, you've been seeing for a while and, um, you know, try to get a real relationship going. What do you think about when they say the timing isn't right, or they want to just work on themselves? Um, do you think that's just a way to kind of get out of it? Even, you know, in my situation, everything was going absolutely fantastic. It would have made sense for us to be in a relationship, but they had said uh you know the timing isn't right and like i said they they wanted to focus on themselves is that bullshit is that a way out of it uh let me know your thoughts thanks yeah but what do you mean by like yes like i mean they don't like them

but here's the thing like if that person was really really into you she wouldn't say i need to work on myself so it's not necessarily that they don't like you it's that like you they're not wanting to start a relationship right now that's that's not like that's not bullshit though is what i'm saying yeah i see what you're saying but if they liked him i that i fully agree with yeah so it doesn't really even matter what you're saying that's what i'm saying yeah i'm saying it doesn't really matter like it's not bullshit it's not it's not about anything besides if she was really into you yeah then they would just commit it goes both ways guys it's just like nobody that wants to be in a relationship with somebody is like you know what i really am in i'm in love with you and i would really love to be in a relationship with

you but you know what's more important than that me figuring out my relationship with my mother like who the fuck would ever do that do you know whenever when people say stuff like that i gotta figure some stuff out they don't have to figure anything out most of the time they you know what they do they go home and they just sit and eat and watch tv they go to the gym they go fucking hang out with their friends and then they don't hang out with you yeah that's most of the time what people do you know what i gotta fucking you know what i just like i've actually don't i don't think i've ever said that to someone i don't think i can hang because we got this thing i gotta figure some shit out out. I'm just not in the right headspace. I've definitely been seeing someone,

and probably more than once, actually, seeing someone, and then when it comes time, dating for whatever, two, three months, it's like, well, are we going to be in this relationship? And I've been like, I just don't really... And again, it's not lying, and it's not bullshit, but you're just like, I'm not really at's and again it's not lying and it's not bullshit but you're just like i'm not really at a place in my life where which is just true it's like i'm in other words if i was really in love with you and met you at any time in my life i would just not even consider

like the timing because that's happened where i'm like not looking for something at all yeah and then i meet someone i'm like oh this person something at all. Yeah. And then I meet someone, I'm like, oh, this person is amazing. I need to be with them right now. Right. It doesn't, you know what I mean? Yeah, I get it. I get it.

It's a misleading question. What is it? He's calling it bullshit. It's like, it's not bullshit. What he's saying though is, I think in essence what he's saying is, is it me? and it is him but even that's like the wrong way to look at it i think i think the right way to look at it is that she isn't that like enough into you that's not about him it's about

her if that makes no it's not though because if it was somebody that she wanted to be with more than him she would she would fucking throw caution to the wind yeah yeah yeah well that's true in that sense it is bullshit i don't know so what should she say i don't like you like that isn't that okay but what if she does but not enough i'm saying they're obviously what i'm saying is they were in a relationship where they were like obviously dating for a little while and then it was like do you want to take it to the next level and she was like i don't think so yeah yeah that's not not liking someone yeah yeah that's just not liking someone enough to to throw coffee what she said is fine to say right she's not being an asshole or anything

right of course she's like i don't want to say letting him down gently. She's just not interested in the ultimate super duper love. Right, with that guy. With that guy, yeah. Some other guy, though, she would definitely be. Yeah, but that goes for anyone. Exactly. They might think like, oh, I don't like super duper love.

But then you meet someone and you're like, whoa, it turns out I love super duper love. Now, now, now we're talking. Okay. Now we've been talking. Now we're agreeing. Now we're locking horns. We're getting down to it we're getting it right all right we're finalizing the paper okay and signing okay do you believe in soulmates soulmates like like as in there's one person in the world for not even necessarily do you think that there could be one or more than one soulmate for somebody?

Do you think a soulmate is a real thing? What is a soulmate? Exactly. Well, that's why I don't think it's a real thing. What is it? I don't know. What I think of a soulmate, I think of there's one person out there where they complete my soul and I complete theirs. Oh, yeah.

I don't believe in that at all. You don't believe in that you don't believe in it yeah i do believe that if you're with someone long enough and you establish a certain relationship you're so close at that point if someone's like well that person's my soul yeah yeah yeah because you've developed that relationship yeah that makes sense that's great but if you're like i'm just looking for my soulmate it's like that's not a thing that's crazy you got to be in a relationship they don't really look people who look for their soulmates they don't really look they just hang around in their city and it's like dude you know the coincidence that would be if their soul mate was also in pasadena california couldn't agree go to

guam go to india go to different places go to uh go to denmark yeah honestly go to go everywhere go to up up in alaska in the north of alaska until you find someone you might hit the in the fifth place you might meet someone you might you might meet a fucking man in the north of of alaska as a man you're a man and you might be like i didn't know i was gay but this is my soulmate and he's like that sounds great that's correct right that's correct that's how people from alaska north sound that's correct so i don't know about if they sound like that but everything sounds great why trust me dude okay well i agree with everything you said except dude i was in the bank today and this guy first of all i walked into the bank

that's where i keep all my money whatever it's not a big deal so i walk into the bank and there's i walk past the line we're gonna get off me because you really well i mean that's crazy to have the dog on you i love her so you love her i love her she's my soulmate she's not on your lap mom is also my soulmate so if mom was here she would be on my lap so i'm in the bank i walk into the bank and this guy, as I'm walking by him, is in line already. And he goes like this. Was he having an orgasm? No.

I mean, it was crazy. Crazy. A crazy sign. And you didn't like the germination. I want to write my face. I hated it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Who the fuck would do that? Honestly. It's so shitty. I've always hated it. You've always hated it? You used to be so funny about that kind of stuff. Like, if you were getting your hair cut and somebody was breathing in your face, you'd be, like, so mad at them.

Yep. As if, like, they should have known that you're a fucking full-on fucking freak about it. I don't breathe in people's faces straight up. But they're not breathing in your face. They're cutting your hair and have to get in the front and also have to breathe. I'm conscious of not exhaling into somebody's face if i have to be close to their face you're just like we can pass out because you don't want to breathe in someone's face cut him in the eye in my eye um uh yeah so also don't cut people's hair i don't cut people's hair. I don't cut people's hair. So, yeah, and I'm waiting in line, and then he goes.

He's taking so long, and he's with the person. I hate it. I hate when people take a long time to pay. And he's like, he says something to her. She responds, and he says, I think you need some sleep. To the teller? Yeah, and then she goes like this. No, I got so much sleep this weekend. All I did was sleep. And he's like like this no i got so much sleep this weekend all i did was

sleep and he's like then then maybe you got too much sleep maybe that's the answer so like she wasn't doing something right i guess you know what i mean and he's right no i get that yeah and then she was like oh yeah and and then he was like or maybe you need i don't know what this sort of you maybe you need like a a covid mask or like a a trump covid mask or something and she was like oh not a trump mask and then he was like a fine how about a did you say hel a a trump covid mask or something and she was like oh not a trump mask and then he was like a fine how about a did she say helen of troy mask i think maybe and he and she was like oh who's that or something and he was like oh well it was the most beautiful woman of the world so oh no no she didn't say who's that she said she said what does that mask look

like and he said well i don't know she was the most beautiful woman that ever lived up until that point. So whatever that looks like. You're describing the most annoying man alive. And then he said, but she also killed hundreds of thousands of people. Like she wanted a fucking history lesson? And I'm just like, can I just deposit this? Dude, it was so annoying. Yeah. And they knew each other already, obviously, because he banks there, you know?

Yeah. And what do you think of that? I mean, I honestly think that that is one of the most annoying anecdotes I've heard about someone in public. Yeah. Oh, really oh really yeah that's crazy annoying if at the bank dude if that was happening to me at the bank and i was next yeah i would just be fully fantasizing about hitting him in the back of the head with a sledgehammer yeah yeah so it's all good all right all right let's do the next one who's next hey matt and chris my name is hayley i live in denver

i'm a huge fan of both of you chris i actually met you back at one of your shows in 2016 and i've been a fan since the early vine days and matt i wish that we could be friends because you seem like the coolest fucking guy ever we We are friends. But my question today relates to the fact that I am an addiction therapist. And when I'm hanging out with friends and randomly decide to have a drink or something, I'll get comments like, oh, should you be drinking? Because, you know, you're an addiction therapist. And it's just kind of annoying. And then the other comment that I get a lot or reaction or whatever is when I'm meeting new people and they find out I'm a therapist, sometimes they get kind of weird or they assume I'm like analyzing them or something. And I'm not. And so just curious if you guys have any input or advice on how I can handle those situations.

And congrats, Chris, on all of your recovery stuff. You're awesome. And I love you guys both. All right, bye. Thanks. Yo, it's hilarious. By the way, hilarious a therapist is calling us for advice. Dude, you know my private sessions?

I've had four therapists make private sessions with me, I swear to God. And the first one, I was like, I'm interested actually because I thought maybe therapists would hear about what i'm doing and have an issue with it yeah and they were like i asked all of them that the first time i was kind of nervous and they and they were like no i think this is great you know obviously what you're doing isn't therapy right right you know right uh yeah isn't that crazy yeah that is crazy um uh that's oh god that's so annoying but that's like that, that's the version of like, I'm a comedian.

Oh, tell me a joke. Yeah. Or listen to my joke. Oh yeah. Oh, that, well, that's, I don't know. But you know what? Tell me a joke. It is, but it's way quicker.

Oh, geez. You know what I'm saying? All right. Yeah. I got a joke for you. You got to be. Okay. What is it?

Yeah. And then like, you're going to laugh. You got to do something about, you know what you got to do something about? Dude, my meet and greets every now and then, you're gonna laugh you got to do something about you know what you got to do something about dude i'm a meet and greets every now and then you know you got to do a bit about i i don't know what they'll say this is the thing um you know when butter when you take it out of the thing and it's like the flaps over like what the fuck is that i don't know but you do it i swear to god they're all like that they're all like that that's crazy and i'm like oh yeah i don't know you know it's not for me or yeah i'll do that also great idea i'll do that also are you look this always happens

after my show because it's the meet and greet are you listening to what i'm saying on stage where on earth would that come in here's the thing my whole thing makes sense all together and i'm in the middle of it i'm just gonna be like by the way, butter. People don't understand anything about what goes into doing anything that is an art form. Yeah. And they don't even understand like the basics. One time someone recognized me from my movie that I made a long time ago, American Animal. Yeah. Okay. And I was stuck on an elevator with her. So it was like. recognized me yeah from my movie that i made a long time ago american animal yeah okay uh-huh

and i was stuck on an elevator with her oh so it was like you were stuck no no i was like oh while we went to whatever and she was like and and she was like i saw your movie yeah and it was before it was even released and i was like like nervous. I was like, what did you see? Like a festival? Got it. Like where did you see that? Yeah. Or maybe she was, I thought she was a programmer at a festival maybe.

Yeah. Because very few people had seen it by then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, oh no. I saw it, I just saw, like I saw it how I see movies. And I was like, well, it's in theaters. So what do you mean? She's like, no, I saw it online.

And I was like, and then she's at no i saw it on on online and i was like and then she's at her floor but i'm like well stop yeah you know what do you mean you saw my movie how did you see the movie yeah i'm not being confrontational yeah i know i know i know i mean but i'm feeling comfortable oh well excuse me where do you get off she can't leave uh and she was like no no, I saw the movie. I was like, how? Did you rent it? How did you see it?

And she's like, no. This is so much more than she bargained for. I mean, yeah. But here's the thing. She's like, I just want to say I liked it. And then I was like, okay, well, the trailer's out. Maybe she's saying the wrong thing and just has this brain fog problem. Right, right.

That's what I thought right now. Yeah. And so I say, oh, you mean the trailer of the movie? Right, right. And she's like, no. i saw i was like so you saw something that was was it two minutes or was it 95 minutes yeah i was like was it two minutes or 95 minutes she's like i it was like 95 minutes like a movie and then and then i was like okay what about these things like did you see this yeah this yeah she's like oh no i don't remember that i don't remember that i don't remember i was like okay what about these things like did you see this yeah this yeah she's like oh no i don't remember that i don't remember that i don't know i was like you saw the fucking

trailer you only saw the trailer and you actually remember it as seeing a fucking movie bye and then you know the elevator's like because i'm holding it too long no but it was it's just amazing what people oh my god how people think about something they saw after it and what they think is like the right thing to say to someone yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's fucking crazy she probably got caught up i hope she got caught in a lie i hope that's what it was maybe it didn't seem like it though yeah yeah she didn't seem like embarrassed at all so i don't know fuck yeah dude um well that's an amazing story it was an amazing experience i think about it all the time how could people how is that possible for a brain you know what i mean but yeah fucking a it happened anyway uh for the lady yeah um i think maybe if it if it's a thing that happens around your friends commonly and they're

always making jokes about it here's what you say so you can prevent it from continuing to happen just say why do you guys think that when i'm not at work i want to keep on working that's my job who wants to do their job out in the fucking world nobody oh i do but yeah no you don't though i know you don't want to just be making like i know bits to people who are just randomly standing there well not paying you well no i know i know i know i mean it's just like a job is a job people leave it at work work. I know. I know. Why would you assume anything like that? As far as people who see you, meet you, think, oh, that's like... You know what that's like?

It's like having a name like Lorraine. People are like, oh, the quiche. Like everyone's going to make the joke that they're going to make. You know what I mean? And you're kind of cursed with it, with that job. Maybe just lie about your job. Yeah. But make it very uninteresting.

I'm in marketing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom. Never have to say shit. What do you market? Oh, fuck. I'm a therapist. Yeah, don't be like I'm an astronaut. Right, yeah.

Lie. But then you're a therapist that's lying out in a fucking thing. Yeah. And then you see a patient, and she's like, oh, hi, how are you doing? You're like, oh, hey. Oh, yeah, she says you're in marketing. Really? Oh, I's like oh hi how you doing like hey oh it's yes she says there's a marketing really i'm not gonna use you anymore overthinking it so much and then and then your mom dies and it's like all right what do you think though what do you think i i i think probably the same thing i i hate that kind of shit i it's terrible i try so hard not to

be that kind of person and i think sometimes i make the mistake i know i know i know i know i know it's like i want you want to grab the word fucking that came out of your mouth. But yeah, I know. Every time I fucking hear about something like this, I think of a guy I met at the Coral Tree Cafe once 20 years ago, and his name was Seven. You can't make it. You're fucked. I said, what?

He said, Seven. I said, oh, Seven. Okay. I don't know if I made a joke or not. But I always think of that and think, I wonder if I made a joke or not. And if he heard it before. And I don't know. And that's it.

Oh, okay. Okay. Seven's a... For all you future parents out there, seven is a terrible name. So is every number. Thanks. Zero's okay. Zero?

Yeah, zero. Zero mustel. Like from, what's it called? The Nightmare Before Christmas or whatever? The dog? I don't know. I learned that today. Isn't that weird? And you, zero. I am zero. Zero Mostel? Like from, what's it called? The Nightmare Before Christmas or whatever? The dog? I don't know. I learned that today. Isn't that weird?

Congrats. And you said zero. And then you said a name is zero, and I said the dog from Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, nice, dude. And I learned it today. Wow. Calvin has a little plushie of it. Cute.

Got it today. Cute. Okay. All right, next. Next. Beautiful. Hey, guys. My question was about the name you're given, particularly if you're a guy and you have, like, a feminine name or if you're a girl and you have a masculine name.

Yeah, yeah. Does that kind of, like, affect which way you lean in terms of liking masculine or feminine things? My name is Jennifer. Because my name is Joel. It's not really common enough to be masculine or feminine, really. Sure, yeah. But people have told me it's a girl's name. Right.

And I kind of like some feminine stuff like stylistically like i'll wear like some kind of feminine um sunglasses and like i'm always like picking out outfits for like my wife we talk a lot about like clothes and stuff yeah but then again i own like a landscaping company and i love fishing and like i do woodwork so i'm not really one or the other um but i'm wondering did my name influence me to like the feminine stuff that i do or was i just gonna be like that all along yeah let me know no what is this question

I know I knew a kid growing up named OJ Simpson he killed a whole bunch of people OJ Simpson Thompson OJ Simpson

was his first name yeah OJ Simpson wow then Thompson that's like my friend Vin Diesel that's his first name and he just fucking

drives around in cars and just goes like hell yeah family a lot Vin Diesel. That's his first name. And he just fucking drives around in cars and just goes like, hell yeah, family a lot. Vin Diesel Woods. No, it doesn't. Yeah, I mean, just couldn't be. I mean, bro. Yo, you don't really think that, huh?

Come on. Joel? That's not even. I know. I mean, the first part of what he's saying, I understand why people are like, oh, isn't that a girl's name? First of all, don't say that to people.

Don't say that to people. Don't say what to people? If it is a girl's name or boy's name, guess what? They know. So when you hear their name, don't be like, oh, actually, you know what?

Oh, you know what? 38-year-old? That's a girl's name. Like, he knows if it is. Shut the fuck up. I hate shit like that. So hold on a second. People are saying that, oh, Joel? Oh, that could be a girl's name too Like, he knows if it is. Shut the fuck up. I hate shit like that. So hold on a second. People are saying that,

oh, Joelle? Oh, that could be a girl's name too. They're saying that to him? They don't say that could be a girl's name too. They say something like, I'm assuming, isn't that a girl's name? But it's not a girl's name.

It's both. Joelle is a guy's name too. 100%. Obviously. It's not even like Kelly. Obviously, you're right. Okay. But I'm saying,

there are... Again, like my last point, there are... Sorry, Lisa. Again, like my last point, there are fucking utter empty-brained people out there. Joel, that could be a girl's name too. No, it isn't. Do you like fashion? Yeah. Do you dress your wife sometimes?

I influenced you because you're a girl's name. No, dude, this is ridiculous. I think that that's... Honestly, you seem like a nice guy. That's a ridiculous question, guy. You're not 12. Don't say that. I like him too much to say that.

No, I like him too. He's good looking. He seems nice. He's probably good at sports, but like... He's married. He's got a wife. Oh, did he say wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, it's... I don't think it's feminine to... What did he say? Like clothes. Oh, was that the example? Yeah. No, that's not. I mean, actually, for like an annoying guy's guy,

would probably be like, oh, you like clothes? Oh, okay. But like, no, of course it's not. Barely anything is actually like that. Qualities are male and feminine but interests barely are i think you know uh so no so no yeah that's a resounding no but i do like that that was the question and thank god marco picked it i like it oh okay yeah because it's different it shakes things up yeah you shook things out man thank you. Yeah. But you should know that that's a girl's name.

Okay, go ahead. Next one. Yo, what's good, Chris and Matt? Most beautiful guy I've ever seen in my life. It is a great fucking Sunday. But a couple weeks ago, I'm not going to say who in my company that it was that said this,

but someone I work with said to me two weeks ago, you will probably never make it in the music industry Someone I work with said to me two weeks ago, you will probably never make it in the music industry because to do that you have to drink baby's blood and be a Satanist. Now, as fucking wild and absurd as that is, It's true. I think it's absolutely fucked to tell anyone that they're probably not going to achieve their dreams. I think it's a little dick. I mean, smoking weed and driving, you know.

Yeah, just let me know what you guys think. Almost threw up in my mouth again. That guy's cool, dude. Yeah, yeah. But like, yo, dude, you can't tell someone they're not going to make it, like, literally smoking weed while he's driving, doing fucking illegal activity, bro. Here's the deal. I don't think he ain't fucking shooting people. How could that be his takeaway from the the thing that guy said oh yeah oh yeah focus on the baby blood part yeah

not the part that it's kind of rude that he said you'll never make it in fact he kind of said you can make it if you want all you got to do is drink baby blood. Yeah, he didn't say you couldn't make it. Focus on the baby blood part, man. Also, also, Snoogang. What the hell's that? It said it on his hat. Oh. Let me clear something up for every single person in the world. From the Snoogang or everybody? Who thinks this or thinks maybe it's true or anything like that.

Nobody has ever had to drink baby blood to be able to make it. There's no gatekeeper of the entertainment industry that is like, I'll give you the record deal. I'll give you the movie deal. I'll buy your movie. I'll pay you to da-da-da-da-da-da as long as you drink this baby's blood. Not only does that not happen, has never happened what the fuck is wrong with you people this guy kind of believes it too yeah i love you this guy but focus on that part

dude i said stuff like this on my podcast people fucking tore me up after that yeah what they get mad when you say that they think that it's true well i'm sorry yeah i know if you think that i'm just really sorry i know that is false i know i would have that's the thing why do people want to believe that's so bad anyway that's the weirdest it's the weirdest part i know people want to believe it's so bad but but but here's the weirdest part about it is i made it i i would kind of i would have heard something but also you would have had to do it according to that right true but i would but my point is i would have at least heard something right that's never once and then people are like well that's because he's fucking he can't because he did the thing or whatever he can't say it because he did oh of course yeah they got something on him okay well

nobody's ever drank baby's blood to make it dude to make it the fact that you drink baby blood and then you get like the fourth lead in the new fast and furious movie right like what's the threshold who's who's made it what's the threshold what is the ceiling that these baby blood people who force you to drink the baby blood what is the the ceiling that they'll allow you to get to before you pass that threshold because they're keeping those gates locked until you drink that baby blood well that's how matthew mcconaughey got uh to kill a mockingbird or whatever that whatever whatever the time to kill time to kill that's how uh vin diesel got saving a private ryan yeah you know yeah it's how matt damon and ben affleck got the movie made good with hunting

yeah it's how uh donald trump got to be in the movie Home Alone 2. Home Alone 2. Nobody knew who he was before that. No, I know. He broke him. I know. All right. Well. Well, the other thing is, I mean, to answer, you might as well answer his question, right? Is it dick in any way to say you won't make it because X, Y, and Z?

Yeah, I guess. It's not, though. It's not. No. Because if you have zero talent oh i see what you're saying yeah and somebody loves you and they should sit you the fuck down and be like hey this is really hard i don't think you have what it takes you know why i don't agree with that i'll be honest okay what here's here's why how many uh movies shows how much how much music yeah even fine artists every kind of art form

yeah comedians yeah have you seen who are successful yeah and think that is not just bad that is fucking terrible uh many right yeah but on a level that at least it sounds professional there there's no okay we have friends that so you're saying if you're absolute shit yeah you're tone deaf okay which which people are tone deaf and they think they fucking rock and they're like i'm gonna be a singer that's true yeah but even that i wouldn't want to tell him it's like dude your life is so short like just do whatever i wouldn't either because do whatever you want to do that you're saying it's not dick it's not dick though it's it's it's in a way it's admirable i might disagree but i get well i totally get what you're saying yeah yeah yeah you know

yeah but i believe that guy's good you should keep stick with it it depends what what i mean what he's not a singer he's not i don't know what he's doing but i think he's good at it and i want you when you make it call back on the show submit another video and confirm the baby blood thing for all of us. Thank you very much. I appreciate that in advance. He's like this, guys, I didn't have to do it.

He's got blood all over there. And I made it. Yeah. Eight years later, fucking Tom Hanks is behind him and shit. All right. Chris, Matt, huge fan.

Love. Congratulations, Chris. Matt, your voice is always fire. So I have a question for you guys today. I'm in Miami for my birthday. Took a little weekend with the friends. But I want to ask you guys, what do you guys think about birthday plans? It's so loud.

Because I hate going to birthday dinner, like meals, or making other people do something. Like, this was a fun thing. My friends wanted to come to Miami. And, I mean other people do something like this was a fun thing my friends wanted to come to miami and i mean we went out it was a lot of fun so sure but yeah what do you do on your birthday what do you guys do on your birthday and what do you think about people having birthday dinners because i don't fuck with that that's such a good question the guy is saying he doesn't like the birthday plans and doesn't do that shit and hates it on vacation because of his birthday.

In Miami, nonetheless. Here's the thing though, why I get it. He might be like, man, I wish I wasn't here. He is not doing that. But maybe he is, because I would... Look, he is not doing that. Here's why I like that question. You saw that guy!

Why is he asking the question?'s why i like that question you saw that guy why is he asking the question goes like this so much like when he enters a room he does that you know he does he's got the little little fucking stogie and shit like this and he got a towel over his shoulder for some reason just i don't know if i agree with that, but that's really funny. He gets so loud when he drinks. And close to you. And his breasts.

Dude, you know I didn't want to go to dinner, right? It's okay, though, man. It's still fucking rock. Dude, we're in fucking Miami. Hey, like this. And still his arm around his neck. Still taking a hold on him. Still trying to smoke the soggy.

And the guy's here. The guy's like this. Oh, fuck, man. I mean, that's a good question, though. Let's be honest. That's a really good question that no one's asked before. Do you not like people celebrating your birthday? I had a whole bit on this on Man of Fire.

Oh, I don't remember. You can recite it. But I don't like that. I don't but i don't i i don't like that i don't like to do it i don't like to go to birthday dinners i don't like my birthday dinners you know and when you're in a relationship you have to do it because they want to celebrate you and you say no and then they say yeah you got to do it because it's going to be so fun and they convince you and then you don't have fun you know what i mean wow so deeper you know i'll be honest though i used to not like it so i completely

get it and if that's how it is i totally understand it wouldn't fall anybody but for some reason the last couple years three years maybe i've like enjoyed that and i want presents and i want presents and i want them now you enjoy people celebrating your birthday yeah wow really yeah yeah for how many years i just said so i'm not gonna say it again a few you said i said uh two or three oh i said couple or three i said oh shit yeah that's that's crazy i would not have known that about you i don't know my brother used to be the opposite that's why it used to not be true i haven't paid attention for the past three years i wasn't with you the last birthday no you was in pittsburgh we were together oh right a couple days ago yeah yeah yeah the year

before we were here doing this oh yeah that was cool that i enjoyed see interesting interesting um i don't want to have a birthday dinner for me uh i can i'll keep that in mind if it happens i can have fun during it and i will have fun during of course but that's because i'm a master of ceremonies oh wow um but i don't i don't want to because i feel like i don't know maybe it's an insecure thing like i feel like i don't want people to be put out i don't want to have to do the thing what if i think the main thing is what if the night comes and i don't want to do it just like any other plan yeah i mean that's likely probably right my reason for it was i never liked to look a lot of people love me a lot of you want to celebrate me so when it comes time for my birthday i got a lot of different kinds of pockets of friends different kinds of people different groups yeah who want to do it and i don't love i've

always been like this right even in high school i didn't it's not that i didn't like to mix friend groups is that i felt super responsible for them getting along oh really just made me so anxious i that's why i don't like to do it i used to not like to mix my friends and now i fucking love to really friends yeah love it yeah this is him this is him go fucking see what happens and then they're weird together and i'm like are you fucking fucking guys you know such a shit starter uh such an instigator you know yeah yeah you're like me with my birthdays yeah yeah used to not like it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah arnold um uh okay well yeah that's good that was good that guy was great what a good energy yeah he jumped off after that you know um he did he's also four foot five because his head was as tall as the railing on the yeah we get it you know you said it you know i wanted

to be clear about it okay all right me and you if we had hello matt hello chris big fan of lifeline and congratulations i don't have a question i have um just something i want to say and which is that a few episodes ago you guys did a joke about an italian court i just think it's funny that and uh oh yeah that is simply one of the funniest things i've ever heard and most likely will hear in my life um i will think about it several times a week, if not daily. Wow. And that's a good thing. I also just want to say that that joke is a truly unique thought. No one has ever thought of that scenario, just the whole thing.

Yeah. About the court and the guilty and the painting with the pose and the finger it's truly uh one of a kind wow i mean so thank you dude i love when people talk about jokes like that i don't like it but i know you do well i love when people are like here's the why i laugh so hard that and they get like you know i love that clinical with it i always ask you that i guess so yeah you hate when i ask you that i don't like to do it but when people do it about other things i like it when you make me do it i want to wring your neck until you turn blue in the face and are dead i mean so descriptive i just i i don't like when people break down jokes

in like a let's talk about comedy you don't like people break down their own jokes. That's what you don't like. That's what I was thinking about. No, I don't like any time anyone dissects comedy. That's what he was doing, though. No, he was. It's different. If you get into a, why is this funny kind of discussion?

I want to poke my eyes out. Why does that bother you so much? I agree. That's not as interesting as what this guy did. No, it's not what he did. Yeah. You're taking something that's fun and funny and making it not. But what's wrong with actually getting down into the specifics of what makes a thing funny?

That's interesting to me. Yes, you can if you're just doing it and you're not like... Pontificating sucks, you know? But you're talking about if someone's talking about their own shit, right? Or in conversation about their own shit. Because if two people are sitting around talking about fucking why Bill Burr's jokes are so funny and they're getting specific... That's okay. yes but yeah i guess i guess i don't know maybe it's a case-by-case basis i guess i don't know i remember that thing came out it was like a comedian roundtable thing yeah yeah like that kind of shit i don't like that's

what i'm talking about it's their own shit okay yeah okay i don't it doesn't bother me on any level but i think that's what it is for you yeah maybe i guess i'd have to think about it a little more so not committed well no because somebody was just asking me about my jokes when i i got off stage and then they were talking about it and they were asking me questions and i found it fine because i was oh obviously because you were talking about you but but also they genuinely wanted to know stuff it wasn't like i nobody was bullshitting but mainly because you were talking about you let's not talk about me yeah okay now that we're clear on that i'm i'm all set i would have been mad if it was someone else talking about it see this is what i'm talking about is there anything you want to know about my comedy no if you think of something you can always write. Is there anything you want to know about my comedy? No.

If you think of something, you can always write me later. Great. Okay. Want to do another one? Okay. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. Hello. Just looking for some advice on social etiquette, I guess we can call it. I live in a small town in Canada. Very Canadian, friendly people, lots of small talk. I have twin eight-month-old baby

girls. So I spend a lot of time in town with them. I get a lot of people coming up to us, looking at the girls. I'm totally okay with that. I'm from a big city. So I'm really embracing the small town vibe. I'm outgoing and friendly myself, so totally okay with those interactions. My only problem is when people reach out and touch the girls. I was going to make a joke. They'll try to touch their hand or tickle them. I hate that show. Who would do that?

I don't like it. I don't think I need to justify it. They're strangers. I don't know how good their hand hygiene is. Of course. Just not okay. So what I have been doing is saying, oh, hey, if you don't mind not touching the babies. I think I'm coming across politely. I'm intentionally trying to be polite and friendly about it. Oh, wow.

But I'm not getting good responses. People just kind of awkwardly end the conversation. And there's just this weird vibe in the space. So I don't want to be known in town as the rude mom with twins, I guess. I don't like the way it ruins that friendly rapport we had.

So if you have a good way to say that so it doesn't ruin again, the good exchange that we're having, that would be helpful. Thanks. Damn. This is probably one that you're having, that would be helpful. Thanks. Damn. This is probably one that you're going to have to do. When they reach for your baby, say, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And when they stop, make up a thing that your children both have some rare thing that if you touch them you disappear they like get really they yeah you the person doing it disappears you don't want to disappear do you uh that they have some like sensitive skin thing that they if they get touched that their skin is actually real sensitive be careful don't touch them no not no it has you have to make up a condition that sounds like you're flammy they have flammulous yeah yeah they have flammulous tell them they have flammulous especially on whatever part they're about to touch they have flammulous on their arm don't do it you don't want to disappear listen listen listen you touch them i swear it's a weird rare condition

you become blurry you don't want to become blurry to everyone yeah um no but for real the the second part is that it's not going to matter what you say there are going to be people that are like like even if your kids and you had covid and you stopped someone from getting close because you have covid they would be like okay like they would just they're in the moment they're like what do you what do you call it when you like stop someone they would just they're in the moment they're like what do you what do you call it when you like stop someone from doing something they're they're not rejected but whatever lack of a better word yeah they feel rejected uh so they're gonna act like that no matter what no matter what you say it sucks man because you're in the right you are in the right yeah yeah you

are i agree oh furthermore take one separate people touch people's pregnant bellies that's crazy that is so crazy to me i agree but that is to me less upsetting you can't touch a kid dude you cannot touch anyone's kid that isn't yours period like even if you know them really well it's weird to just like get in there like that's not what people do that's a fucking terrible way to be that's not okay well it's okay but it's okay if they're your family right of course uncle and related and it's like everybody's all yeah yeah okay yeah but like some fucking stranger out and about yeah yeah no no you can't touch a stranger's kid under any circumstance in fact you could very well get angry in those instances and you'd still be in the right yeah i agree i agree i agree not that i'm saying you should no no don't

but i agree well she doesn't have it in her but yeah i mean calling her out yeah yeah yeah yeah i try i'd like i'd love to see you try no she she couldn't but um she's too nice right she's too nice because she's even thinking about exactly and that is a canadian and that's fine it's true but right so um it's to be like i don't want to be known in in town to as this person canadian is it so polite right because i do want to be known in town oh that's crazy you didn't touch his kids right well i don't know anything that you said because you just said it as if you were throwing up over and over again the words came i'm a source nigger so um i i think that that's crazy i think it's crazy to touch a pregnant lady's belly i think it's crazy um to touch someone's kid. Yeah. Did you say that? That's right. The first one was, yeah.

Oops, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops. Do that. That would be amazing. Explain what you just did, though. Oops, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops. But explain that. You can't just go, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops, and expect people to know.

I don't understand what you're saying. Explain what? When someone's reaching out to touch your kid. Oops, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops. Yeah, say, oops, oops, oops, oops, oops. They know what that is. They know what that is. They do that they do because i i i said they know they know all right um yeah i i i don't know if um

people are what james conway that's's, dude, people are fucking crazy, bro. They don't get etiquette. They don't get, a lot of this episode has been about that. It is that, it is that, it is that.

But, I don't understand. Is there another one? There we go. So happy. So happy. That's my big fan of the podcast. Fucking happy.

Chris, I saw you in Phoenix. Oh, this guy's so pleasant, dude. But honestly, he ships me out like, thanks so much. He's complimentary. I have a question for of the podcast. Fucking happy. Chris, I saw you in Phoenix at the Celebrity Theater on the road. Honestly, the shit smelled like fuck. Thanks so much. Let's do it.

I have a question for you, or I guess more of an input. It's about my girlfriend. We've been together for two years. And this shit smells like a sewer. I love her to death. But she does have one habit that she just can't seem to break. Stop it! I don't know about you, but I brush my teeth.

I rinse it off and tap off the excess water. Go back. You've got to go back. You've got to go back. I've never seen someone so mad in my life, dude. Oh, my God. But she does have one habit that she cannot seem to break. Dude, this is the creme de la creme.

So angry. So angry. Hates it. This is the most, oh, my jesus for this he hates it so much that he lays in bed and when he thinks about it he doesn't realize it but he's not breathing when he thinks about it he's just like he's holding his breath like 90 seconds it's so red in the face and he's got the covers and then and then and then one time he did it and he exhaled and and the girlfriend said you're breathing too loud you woke me up and he

got so angry that he started to cry you ever get so angry that you cried you ever get so angry i did one time one time i got so how is that possible i got so i didn't know it was a thing i got so angry i guess i i mean i guess i didn't know dude i got so angry and i was laying in bed and i just felt so angry that tears started coming out of my eyes and i thought wow i didn't know you could get this angry so you weren't crying you tears came out of your eyes though when you were angry there were no you were like no sadness right right okay yeah how crazy is that i mean maybe under under under it it was but i felt no sadness i guess because your anger is dude yeah exactly a cover for sadness right right right so poetry. But that's crazy.

I've never heard of that. Never done it. I don't even know. It might have been like a rare. I could be special. I'll make it in my kid. Okay, okay. Go back to that part.

That is the absolute pinnacle of everything. Chris, I saw you in Phoenix at the Celebrity Theater on the round. I'm a magician. It was a fantastic show. It was a fantastic show. Anyway, look at this. I have a question for you, or I guess more of an input. It's about my girlfriend. We've been together

for two years. She is just fantastic. I love her to death. But she does have one habit that she just can't seem to break. I don't know about you, but after I brush my teeth, I rinse it off and I tap off the excess water and I put it in the hole. Look how bad he is.

She rinses it off and sets it on the edge of, and I put it in the hole. Look how bad he is. He's serious. She rinses it off and sets it on the edge of the sink, jutting into the sink about 30 minutes. So if I need water, I can't just bend down and get water to rinse out my mouth. I need to grab hers and put it in there for her. I've asked her about this quite a few times, but she just can't seem to break the habit. How would you go about that? She can't seem to break the habit. Did you see the very last moment? Yes, I did.

Okay, good. Because if you didn't and you watch it now, you'd pass out. You've got to play it again, dude. What would you think about that? The very end is my favorite thing ever, dude. Dude. I have a question for you, or I guess more of an input. It's about my girlfriend.

We've been together for two years. She is just fantastic. But she does have one habit that fantastic. I love her to death. But she does have one habit that she just can't seem to break. Habit. I don't know about you, but after I brush my teeth, I rinse it off, tap off the excess water, and I put it in the holder. She rinses it off and sets it on the edge of the sink, jutting into the sink about that much. So if I need water, I can't just bend down and get water to rinse out my mouth.

I need to grab hers and put it in there for her. And I've asked her about this quite a few times, but she just can't seem to break the habit. How would you go about that? Dude, honestly. This guy. This guy. This guy. I have a headache. dude honestly this guy this guy this guy I have a headache

I'm laughing so hard dude honestly as far as like things that partners have done that I find annoying yeah dude that

isn't even that's not even near the fucking batter's it's not even in the ballpark dude it's literally in the fucking parking lot if your relationship is baseball that is a computer

yeah that's so far it's not even yeah it is so dude i could why why does that bother you why does it bother you dude i want it oh i want to know so bad if that's where your relationship is that you have the greatest relationship in the fucking world so there's one thing if that's the one thing dude you are 10 out of 10 i've been living the best life in history yeah so good jutting has measured it has measured every night measures it and the most it was was three inches you know sweetie can you measure it please and come back to me and tell me what you did wrong. Also, such a specific problem. Like, if I want to bend over to put water in my mouth. Brush your teeth first, you fuck!

Also, you can do that. Yeah. How small is your sink? Right. Also, pick it up and put it back. That's not a bad thing. He's like, sometimes I even have to take it off and put it like. That's this.

That's this. That's that. I i gotta you do you understand what i mean when i say this i need that guy to be my friend yeah i do know you do know that right yeah i love guys like this so fucking much bro yeah you do i i i mean wow this is just fantastic i don't understand i don't understand and i and at the same time i get it i want this guy i want to have full-on hours-long conversations with this guy yeah you do at a diner yeah yeah bob's big boy you know So he says to her, hey, sweetie, can you? Yeah. He's brought it up. So here's the deal.

So in my bathroom, we got two sinks, right? In the master bathroom, all right? One's mine. One's Kristen's. Kristen uses her sink about 15% of the time. Why? Now, that's a great impression of me no but what's her reason what did she say there's stuff her stuff is near her is all on hers so she's like her makeup shit so

she'll come over and use mine right okay and i always say to her babe why don't you use your sink but why does it bother you if you're not also using it at the same time right because my sink when i get there will have like her toothbrush jutting out no it'll be either wet or like yeah there's water everywhere or her she'll like there's be toothpaste in the sink which is kind of gross to me like why should wash it down interesting um now you're getting into that guy territory but you don't think that's gross no i don't think that's gross okay it would bother me because if it stayed there it gets like that that's hard that's right okay that's what i'm saying

you said it's gross i don't think it's gross it's gross if it stays there even then it's not gross it's just dirty it's like not clean so so so um yeah and it bothers me enough to be like babe why don't you use your sink and then she says oh i don't know i didn't i and i i forget about it yeah i don't think about it again yeah except for if it happens again right of course yeah this he's mad enough to make a video. On Lifeline, yeah. Oh. It's crazy. I'm telling you, I think that that's the best submission we've ever gotten. For you, yeah, that's your favorite for sure. What's mine?

We've had some really good ones in this episode, actually. This was a great episode for submissions, yeah. This is probably the best episode. Submissions and me, you were lacking. But I will say, no. Man, that was so maybe it's charlie charlie's here could be charlie dude i don't even understand man that one was so fucking amazing i i i i he was in phoenix i'll tell you what when i'm in phoenix no bullshit i'm gonna be in phoenix again i'm playing it again this year i think i'm doing it in april

or may or something i want to meet you dude he's gonna come to May or something. I want to meet you, dude. He'll come to the show. Okay. I want to meet you. Yeah. So. Bring your girlfriend or wife or whatever it is. Oh, perfect, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Great. Wow. Dude, honestly, thank you, God, for that. Well, okay. You know?

I'm being serious. I know you are. If there's a God. That's why I said okay. I'm not sure if there's a God. If there is, thank you god for that well okay you know i'm being serious i know there's a god that's why i said okay i'm not sure if there's a god if there is thank you for that that's so great dude i'm gonna think about that you know i'm gonna think about that all night dude okay all right you know what i mean like we're getting so carried away but it's i'm not in i'm going to have that guy organize my funeral when I die. Dude. That's the level you're going to be at. What I'm saying is, well, he's going to die first with that level of stress.

But I just want. He seems so happy. Maybe not. I know. But that's because he's not feeling it. He's not loving it. One day he's going to be like, God, what a beautiful. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The brain blood clot just. Yeah.

It's just going to explode out of his skull. Yeah. Yeah. And he's going to... And his wife's going to be like, oh, no, honey. Are you okay? And he's going to go like this. You fucking bitch.

And he's never, ever been mean to her in his life just the most unadulterated just can't even breathe fucking god damn bitch you fucking bitch foaming and he's never ever

snapped at her or gotten mad at her once in their life together you know but he's been holding it in and he knows he's gonna die so he in their life together, you know? But he's been holding it in. Then he knows he's going to die, so he's got to get it out, you know? Motherless. You son of a motherless goat. I'm crying, bro.lie's so confused she's fucking staring at me so scared it's okay hey it's okay oh fuck jesus

all right well we gotta end the fucking episode all right all right all right all right you do it santa sign up for the patreon patreon.com lifelong luxury is so good it's so fun we just talk we don't do the submissions but man we laugh i have a good time oh i'm on tour i'll be in long beach i'll be in philadelphia he still he doesn't have the fucking thing up the cocksucker dude we'll be in florida right sucker doesn't have the thing i'll be in florida he brought up a bunch of pictures of jared leto is what he brought up uh richmond virginia fort myers orlando uh baltimore trenton philadelphia Richmond, Virginia, Fort Myers, Orlando, Baltimore, Trenton, Philadelphia, Redding, and then Oxnard, California. Thank you very much. Leave a comment on what glasses Matt liked to wear.

Yeah, let me know. Oh, dude. Go to theprivaterecord.com. I got a new podcast coming. That's right. And guess what? I want you to be a guest on it. You got a good story to tell. The hell with that guy

to be a guest. Yeah, dude. Yes. You, the last guy from Mr. Fucking Toothbrush in the Sink, submit yourself as a potential guest on the show. Go to theprivaterecord.com or email theprivaterecord at gmail dot com. I want to hear your craziest story, your best story, whatever.

Any crazy story you want to tell me? Let's get in here. Come on. And then also a coach. Watchlifeline.com if you want to do a thing. I gave up in the middle of it. I'm so exhausted from laughing at that last one. All right, you want to do a one-on-one session with me, go to mattdalia.com. You want the Lifeline merch?

The answer is yes, you do. You got to go to lifelinemerch.com to get the best shit because you know we got it. If you buy it, you love us. because you know we got it if you buy it you love us if you don't buy it you don't love us you know how that goes and uh

yeah oh yeah you already said that part okay great thank you love you may hello

hello hello will you please hello hello hello hello