Lifeline - 82. One More Thing

Episode Date: November 5, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's really, really great and excellent is that Chris was sitting down for 15 minutes. And then once we were ready and literally rolling, I was all settled. He got up and is now not here. That's really great.

Are we going? Yeah. Okay, guys. Welcome to Lifeline. We love you all for watching and we love you all anyway unless you stop watching then we don't love you it is sunday november 5 and this is episode 82 well that's a lot of episodes uh and you know what you know what sundays are for Lifeline. Guys, listen. My special is available now. ChrisDelia.com

It is Grow or Die. It is called Grow or Die and it is available now. Go to ChrisDelia.com to get it. It's $10. And, you know, you can stream it. You can download it.

It's awesome. It's awesome. It's his best special yet thank you and he's had some really good ones and this is his best one yet i'm really proud of him and thank you go check it out uh crystalia.com yep and uh there's a there's a uh go sign up for lifeline luxury lifeline luxury patreon.com slash lifeline luxury said it so fast uh you know and you know what guess what i got a new pod coming out soon, a new solo pod. It's called The Private Record, where we have guests, any old anybody who's got a crazy story, a good story, a story that you like telling, a story people like to hear.

Come and tell it on my show. Tell the whole world. Go check out theprivaterecord.com. Submit yourself as a guest. We want to hear from you, and we want to hear your story. Stop flexing, Chris. What do you think about that? Yeah.

Also, you can reach us at theprivaterecord.com, theprivaterecord at gmail.com, on Instagram and TikTok at theprivaterecord, on YouTube at theprivaterecord. I mean, so many places. Just find it, you know? The Private Record. Okay.

With your host, Matt D'Elia. Submissions. Send a submission. And merch, lifelinemerch. Okay. With your host, Matt D'Elia. Submissions. Send a submission. And merch, lifelinemerch.com. That was such a bad plug for the merch, you know? Well, it's just we did a lot of stuff so far. We talked a lot about business so far. No, but get the merch.

The merch is... It is very good. It is very good. As mom would say, da bomb. Okay? Mom would say, da bomb. And it's at lifelinemerch.com and get it all. Get it all. Get every piece.

Also, you're still on tour. You want to talk about that? Oh, yeah, that's right. I'll be in Fort Myers and Orlando and Baltimore and Trenton and Redding and Philadelphia and the one, Richmond, Virginia. I got them all. Wow, I did it all on my head, dude. He did it all on his head, folks. Oxnard, California.

So yeah, dude. So what's up, Matt? How you doing, man? What is that shirt? I went to conversation school last week. That's nice. And how is it going with it? Went to conversation school.

What is this shirt, dude? As usual, I don't know but you told yeah i mean everything i wear is here's the thing about clothes you can like you don't need to always buy the new ones you know you have all of time clothing that that clothing has been made you can buy it from any era as long as it's still in one piece dude it's called jerseys j-e-r-z-e-e-s and guess what what isn't it nice it is nice see and it's comfy and it's jerseys okay but it doesn't exist anymore probably not but if you like this you can find it online you just google jerseys okay well you can't find that i bet you can't find that i would like a sponsorship from jerseys so if you're listening ceo of jerseys hit me up did you

he's dead so did you um buy that online or at a place uh at a place yeah at a place and you saw it at a place and you're like oh actually no somebody bought this for me from a birthday they saw it at a place and they were seeing me later that day they hadn't got me anything for my birthday and they were like that looks like it would look good on Matt. They bought it, brought it to me. I was sitting on my throne just waiting, receiving gifts. They got down on one knee and did this, as everyone does when they give me gifts.

Like tutors? Like in case I want to cut off their head if it's a bad gift, I can just do it right then and there. But this was a good gift, so I didn't cut off their head. They still have a head. You seen the tutors? Went to conversation school. No, I've not seen the tutors but guess what i know you have because there was a whole series of episodes early on in the life of this show that you wouldn't shut the

friggin knots up i forgot about watching that cool you know what you didn't know because you just brought it up i know i just remembered again but you know what i am watching currently no luther oh i did know that because every night at around 1 30 a.m you text me shit like luther is engrossing exclamation point yeah luther is back exclamation point there's idris elba sizzles yeah yeah so like you're some shitty like you're richard corliss from time magazine you know leonard malton leonard malton's so old only knows one critic i know one so listen uh that is a show that's uh good luther's good yeah it's like cocaine is it like this is luther like this a lot yeah a lot it's good it sounds great what's it about hollywood exec um it's about uh it's basically sherlock holmes but he's black oh sick you know what dude one time

i just remembered this i met idris elba what yeah dude it was at the old offices of a management company that i used to be represented by yeah and this was like during the wire during while the wire was being made okay okay and i hadn't seen a single episode of the wire okay i had no idea who is just elbow was no idea what the wire i mean i knew what the wire was okay but it was just some show on hpl at the time while it was on people weren't crazy about it like they are now yeah i know you know i know it was only after streaming was a thing and people rediscovered it anyway i'm walking it back to my manager's office the assistant that came to get me i was in a waiting room with this like straight up the absolute most handsome like coolest human being i've ever been in a room with and it was i didn't

know this but it was idris elba you thought that then i thought that before anything happened right you're like this is the coolest guy i've ever seen in my life and he's so fucking handsome yeah and then uh the assistant comes on and says have you met have you met idris right and i was like why the fuck would i meet it they were just being like super assistant-y. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody's like, oh, have you met so-and-so? You know, like I would ever have a reason to.

And I was like, oh, no. And then we got introduced and he was just like, he made me gay for like eight seconds. Really? He was just like, what's up, man?

How you doing? How old was he back then? He was young. But I mean, he's older than us oh yeah he's like 50 so he was probably in his mid-30s this was a long time yeah yeah yeah yeah but he was the coolest guy in the world i mean i'm sure he still is he still looks basically exactly the same right i know but it was like i'm i'm still i'm still amazed at how cool he was at that moment.

In fact, he was so cool, I probably would still remember who that random guy was. Even if it wasn't famous. Even if I wasn't introduced to him. And even if I didn't put it together. I never met him. Well, I'm cooler. I want to meet him.

You know, it's crazy because he, it's crazy that he's a human and also like you know another short fat guy is a human so high right now uh yeah it sucks for the short fat guy yeah like for guys like me and el josele but it's like cool and then for guys like you and fucking you know danny devito yeah it's like all right yeah i hope you're funny yeah you know but me i got the whole package so it's like nah nobody's got his package dude no you think that he's got the most amazing well yeah i mean maybe he's super something else that you don't know though boring of course who knows i'm just saying he does the way he presents is like the most he is a dj magnificent what he is a dj he's a dj he does dj sets wow yeah which is every actor want to be a dj too but you know why because they're both fucking easy as shit

jobs acting is way harder than being a dj way harder except for not well except for when you you know the lifestyle it's hard to be a dj because you're gonna be fucking be up until 6 a.m the truth is acting is hard unless you have the knack for it and then it's easy like watch this that's really bad but oh i mean like a comedy, that would have been bad. But in a real searing, true-to-life drama, people would have been just bawling in their seats if that was a movie. I'll show you good acting. Okay.

It doesn't end until... I'll decide when it ends. Say it ends so I know. So don't be like, oh, that was good before it ends. Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. I must have wasted both of our times. My mistake. I'll be on my way there is one thing that's been on my mind okay i'm done i mean that was pretty good yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The longer the pause, the better acting.

Is that right? I'm sorry, ma'am. I must have wasted both of our times. You're in the clear. I'll let myself out. There is one thing I'd like to ask you about speaking a waste of time but that was pretty impressive an impressive waste of time it's good acting bro yeah check this out though okay that's bad no it's like if you're really like a life or death situation. And Sling Blade?

Dude, Sling Blade. All right, so my acting was good. Mine was epic. Okay. Epic. I just think that why do every detective show do that? The thing you did? Yeah.

I don't know. Because it's like suspenseful easy cheap suspense if you're a detective and you go in you go in with all the information you don't leave and then go oh yeah something else well that's the joke about colombo you know one more thing you know literally it turned into like a cultural joke that everybody understood yeah colombo's if you watch i love colombo so i'm about to talk shit about it okay know that i love it okay the formula of colombo is is this the first 20 minutes of every single episode peter falk is not even in for one second what it follows the criminal doing the thing what entirely so you know all the facts of everything what and then colombo shows up 20 to 30 minutes in what and it's so bad from that point on it's so good until colombo shows up every single episode

because you just know he's going to solve the case and he's always going to at the end of every scene it's going to be like oh he didn't figure out anything the criminal is going to get away and then it's one more thing

wow and he actually says one more thing in almost every instance in that show so it's like his trademark so why do you like it then? because

the first parts are always so good like the acting is amazing. The writing is amazing. They come up with new like reasons for crimes, new ways people mess up covering them up. It's smart and cool. Oh really?

But then he shows up. It was on in the eighties, right? And it's so dumb. Uh, I think it might've been seventies. No, no,

no. Yeah. Oh, then it was rerun when it was the eighties. Well, no, no, no.

Actually. Okay. So the first few seasons were like eight to ten episodes uh and then it got really popular then they were like so it was streaming but then like late seasons it went into the 90s but they would make them movies it would be colombo movie all right right so it would be like only four of them a year but it would be like a tv movie oh really colom really yeah jesus okay well yeah anyway who cares i guess right oh i care gonna no i know it and you know the listeners of lifeline definitely don't care about i guarantee you a lot of these

people have watched colombo it's weirdly the resurgence is so weird the resurgence of colombo dude yeah it's a very weird thing people are are like, yeah, I watch Columbo. And you're like, oh, that's old. How do you have... There's so many new shows that people who care about being in the cultural conversation have to watch. How do you also have time to go back and watch Columbo? I only watch Columbo.

Right. I'm not doing any of that stuff. It's on like... I know it was on Netflix. I know it's on Tubi now. It's on everything, I think. Tubi has the craziest shit. Tubi's the best, dude. Don't fuck with me. Tubi's where it's at. I know it's on Tubi now. It's on everything, I think. Tubi has the craziest shit. Tubi's the best, dude.

Don't fuck with me. Tubi's where it's at. I know, because it has everything. Yeah. Good and bad. You can find truly obscure, weird... There's home videos on Tubi. Basically, there's home videos.

Yeah. Which I love that. Where you're like, Darius's birthday party. Right, yeah. Darius's 11th birthday party. Uh-huh. In Camden. From 1981. Yeah, and you're. Right, yeah. Darius's 11th birthday party. Uh-huh. From like 1981. In Camden.

Yeah, and you're just like, oh. Happy birthday, dear Kleenex on this commercial. And it comes back, Darius. Yeah, that's to be. All right, let's get into it. Let's get into it. Oh! Look at it.

Taking a shit. The face, dude. Taking a shit. Me. Also me, but taking a shit the face dude taking a shit me also me but taking a shit no ringing the doorbell in the purge oh dude gonna kill your whole family we love this guy this guy was hold on hold on don't ruin it was is wearing the same shirt as last time. Yeah. And just hasn't slept, no doubt. He's recreating the magic. This is the dude who let the fucking-

Had the greatest submission. So it juts out. Yeah. Had the greatest submission with the toothbrush, and he had to move it for his chick. His girlfriend's toothbrush. She has an issue with his girlfriend. She leaves the toothbrush on the edge of the sink.

Go back. If you're watching this Lifeline and you haven't seen the last one, go back. Watch the last video in the last episode. This guy

moitalized us. Yeah. He made us laugh very hard and we love him and now I guess he's back. Start it over. I hope he has a new one but let's see.

Yeah. From the beginning. Start it over. Make it go from the beginning. Do not start it when you did, which was before we said start it. Start it when we say start it, and start it which is now. What's up, Chris and Matt? This is Anthony from Phoenix with a girlfriend that just can't seem to put her toothbrush in the right spot.

Oh. I laid out the crime scene for you. Here we are at my sink. What if he had no pants? Imagine with me, I'm done brushing my teeth. I have a mouthful of toothpaste. I need to spit the toothpaste out and rinse out my mouth. So I go to reach down.

Oh, my eyeball. It's right on the wet bristles right there. Now, could I go down on that side? Yeah, but I'm right-handed. Now, could I go down on that side? Yeah, but I'm right-handed. It feels awkward to go down on that side. Plus, I'm eye-to-eye with this toothbrush here, which just pisses me off even more. So every time, I need to pick it up, put it over here, and then go about my day. Now, I didn't get upset about this the first several times this happened.

Of course, it's innocuous. It's silly. But after the fourth or fifth time or so, what it comes down to is it's the same amount of effort to do this than it is to do this. Right. I understand. So,

it's a net loss for all of us. I mean, American Psycho. Don't you agree? For all of us. And Chris, hell yeah. When you're back in Phoenix, me and my girl are going to get some VIP tickets and we'll get to meet you. We'll even buy you a coffee if you're free.

Oh, wow. Wow, dude, this guy. Her dead body is on the premises while he's taking this. Yeah, dude. Her dead body is probably in the shot in the bathroom mirror somewhere. Go back.

It goes. Internet sleuths, go back and find it. The deadline. So, hold on. This is just... Here's the deal, the bottom line. The bottom line of all of this dude that was great but it's not it's and oh look at it how's good it's not

a big enough deal to get upset about it i get obviously i've been in relationships where my partner does like a certain weird specific thing that is like hard to whatever run into over and over and over again but even this this is it doesn't even reach that threshold to me i don't know sure but other things you have a problem with, somebody else might not. Right. That's kind of what I'm trying to say. There is a reason, though, I think she's doing that. And she has a reason. I know what it is. So that, to me, makes it a little bit okay.

Do you know what the reason is? I know what it is. Yeah, she doesn't want the water to drip down into the thing and get moldy. Correct. Which is ultimately a noble cause. It is. It is that. It Correct. Which is ultimately a noble cause. It is. It is that. It is that.

It is a noble cause, but there is a way to defeat all that. Okay, go ahead. Solve the problem for them. I can help both of you. Great. Get a piece of Kleenex or toilet paper paper put it at the bottom of that thing and then the water just fills up that but then you've got to always dispose of that you actually have to do

it way less than you think here's what is the other way to do it okay if you're her just go do the bob ross thing dude just bang the heck out of it is that what he says just bang the heck out of it when he cleans the brush just that's what the porcelain on the sink is for to get banged against by your toothbrush

okay just bang the heck out of it just bang the daylights out of it just bang the diggity dog out of it okay just bang the bing bong out of it

just bing bing bing bing bong bong bong bong and then put it away everyone's happy look at his face right there yeah he should host a children's show do yeah he should and it's very obvious to everyone who's ever met him so hold on play it again we have to watch it again serial killer what's up chris and matt this is anthony from phoenix with the girlfriend that uh just can't seem to put her toothbrush in the right spot.

Wow. I laid out the crime scene for you. Crime scene. This part is killing me. Here we are at my sink. Imagine with me. I'm done brushing my teeth. I have a mouthful of toothpaste.

Christian Bale in a mouthful. I need to spit the toothpaste out and rinse out my mouth. So I go to reach down. Oh, my eyeball. Why are you? Hits right on the wet bristles right there. out my mouth. So I go to reach down. Oh, my eyeball hits right on the wet bristles right there. Can I go down on that side? Yeah, but I'm right-handed. It feels awkward to go down

on that side. Plus I'm eye-to-eye with this toothbrush here, which just pisses me off even more. So every time, I need to pick it up, put it over here, and then go about my day. Now, I didn't get upset about this the first several times this happened of course it's innocuous it's silly but after the

fourth or fifth time or so what it comes down to is you know what happened there for her but it's he got the same amount of boiled up the fury boiled. And he got overheated and he forgot what it was. So, it's a net loss for all of us. Don't you agree? It's a convincing argument. And Chris, hell yeah. When you're back in Phoenix,

me and my girl are going to get some VIP tickets and we'll get to meet you. Me and my girl, if she's still alive, we will come to see you in Phoenix. I cannot wait to meet you. Dude, that... Me and my girl who, if she's still alive, we will come to see you in Phoenix. I cannot wait to meet this girl. What a great guy. What if she shows up and she's just crying and she's just like,

I don't understand the problem. I'm sorry. No, she slips you a note and says, please help me. Like, he only let her out one time to see you at your show, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got, like, ligature marks yeah yeah on her wrists well

thanks for the update bro yeah we love it we love provided a lot of entertainment for us um we love you and your girlfriend who we hope is still alive but we're not quite sure they obviously have a really good relationship if she's allowing him to do this allowing they joke you know yeah they obviously have fun with yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I hope so. Unless she has no idea that it's even happening. She doesn't even know who, you know, what Lifeline is or who we are. He's just dragging her out in the world and she has no clue? Yeah.

All right, dude. Well, we love you. Thanks again. Who's next? Let's do the next one. Hey, guys. I'm Teresa from Pennsylvania. Hi, Teresa.

Huge fan. Hi. I have an advice question i train jujitsu pretty regularly it's a huge part of my life but it's not like my whole personality it's not like it's on display at all times um but whenever anyone finds out that i trained jujitsu whether i tell them or we're just like getting to know each other talking about things that we like to do with our time the reaction i get is like almost always so you could beat me up oh of course how the fuck do you respond to that i always want to just sigh and go wish you didn't do that i wish you didn't do that but that just like ends the interaction and i'm strange and awkward as it is so i don't know if i want to like amplify that i don't know don't know how to respond i figured maybe you guys would

i know what to do kick their fucking ass no no that's a lot you just go could have killed you dude that's that's yeah well because okay she's talking i think she's talking about guys probably that is what i don't think women would probably say that she didn't specify no but she went oh right and that's the dude kind of voice right um i think that uh it's not just i would just say every time i say this to a dude that they they say that and and also if you're mad enough no you know people seem to think that like you know jujitsu is very technically very good but like you know there's no way that if a big guy fought her that he would lose it doesn't matter how much she knows as i'm not doubting that but i that sounds not right to me yeah if the guy's big

enough and angry enough no way why like just because she's a mini woman too close up to her like she's fucked you mean the the strength is completely different. But I imagine him, if he's untrained in any martial arts, he would maybe try to hit her and she would get out of the way and then disable him somehow. I don't know what I'm talking about. No. Not as evident. I mean, it could happen, but no.

She could beat up women. It's just a completely different thing. Huh. Yeah. women it's just a completely different thing huh yeah i know i'm not saying like look take a cage fighter different but i'm talking about like she's not a cage fighter you know right yeah there's somebody that just trains in jujitsu no way right yeah i bet you my ass i bet you i don't know really yeah well i don't know how big she is but you know yeah i mean i'm completely untrained in everything besides but you're six two martial

art 250 kicking your ass whoever you are oh okay that's what i excel in yeah i would just go anthony can attest to that um yeah i would just say uh okay everybody says this so congrats you're not original thanks very much and then when they do that do a thumb lock on them that's good that's good but i also like could have killed you could have killed you you know i also like uh really like rubbing their nose and how typical they are yeah so maybe you could be like oh you know every single person says that i got when i mention that it's so annoying yeah why do you guys all do that this is really good to kill them kill them like that yeah get make a hundred cards that have in quotes just does that mean you could beat

me up we went up with you had this in mind for someone else yeah i did and then when they say that just hand them one of those cards they would feel like such a fucking moron that's so good that's so good somebody gave me cards at a show probably the last one i did maybe maybe cleveland something but um at the meet and greet she goes here i have these and i think that you could use these and there she gave me a cards there's probably 50 of them in there they're like business cards and they um and they say please they say please stop talking and i give them to people if they talk too much oh that's just rude yeah it's great oh okay it's great give them to my wife give them to my friends give them to you know you're a dick okay well my wife is like you didn't clean up the dishes i go

she just hands you one back says please do the dishes yeah no she's got 50 cards to say please do the dishes all right cool uh yeah yeah you're remember that business card thing also maybe dude i mean unfortunately sometimes it just comes down to maybe just don't say it to certain people only tell people that you do jiu-jitsu that you're interested in having a real conversation she doesn't it's not her she says not her whole personality though i know probably does do that i don't understand to protect yourself from that maybe be even more guarded with who you tell yeah because that sounds so annoying right it's so annoying if you can help yourself maybe do it that way too yeah that's the whole i'm a comedian i'll tell me a joke thing yeah

yeah it's deeper remember that and it's cool because we you know we work through it but like um do you remember the business card thing play the business card because of the stock thing mako it's because of the stock dude what is it called your business card is trash it's gonna come up right away just put a rap your business card is crap funny biz funny business card guy but comes up right away is crap this oh dude this's a legend, but not enough of a legend. The business card, don't let that be your apprehension. Don't let not having the tools

be your trepidation. These are the gift, the prize. You don't spend the money until you've made the money. And then you only spend a percentage of it and you buy the best quality you can buy. You see a business card, cheap Strathmore stock, 60 pound holds a crease. Can you tear it? Absolutely. That best looks like crap. It is crap. It's the same size of every other business card in my hand that you guys just gave me. Yeah, because... These aren't even your cards. That card looks like crap, too.

One color. Nothing special about it. Let me see. What's it say on it? Name of the company in Atlanta. It's an agency. This guy's a CSO, chief strategic officer. Wow, I'm impressed.

So what? He's an officer. I know companies that are worth $10,000 a year, and the guy's a CEO. I will never make a criticism if I don't have a resolution. Yo, pause it. You see that comment? I love when the music kicks in. Dude, look at what he presents.

It's the shittiest. If anybody that I might end up in business with, that I was like a prospective possible business person that I could go into business with it's a flyer if they had a business card like this I would never

ever get into business dude where do you put it exactly it's a CD you need to have a purse if you

keep playing it do play it this is the most impressive business card I've ever seen it's mine ow it took me 25 years to design this that This is the most impressive business card I've ever seen. It's mine. It took me 25 years to design this.

This card is expensive. About $4 a card. Oh, my God. Because of the stock. It doesn't fit in a Rolodex because it doesn't belong in a Rolodex. It's the kind of thing where your card should be so good that even if they don't like you they won't throw it out Yes, it demonstrates incredible marketing capability

Like a coloring book effective My card is die-cut. Oh my card is foil stamped. My card is a boss the way the shoulder You're kidding. My card, instead of telling you that I'm a CEO, because who cares about my title, tells you about the result I generate. I build crowds. Guaranteed. What do you do?

Guaranteed. I love this guy. What does he say? I own. I build crowds. Who is that guy? that also what does that mean what do you do guaranteed just creates havoc riots dude i build crowds dude who is that guy i once how much did he die of hiv i once did a deep dive and he there's another video of him

out online online talking about the popularity of that really yeah i don't like when they do that i want but it wasn't like as that guy forever i don't want them to be like yeah it was a silly thing you know no he's not doing that oh good no he's like he's like that's what i do he's not like walking it back still doing it yeah it's not like him being like i know that was funny but good good good good good good he's exactly like that still oh god it's because of the stock well i mean taking it so to the next level didn't because of the star wasn't like that all will ferrell dude that is so funny it's so funny that i've exhausted how many times i've laughed at that what's so unbelievable it keeps opening up dude at the, it's just...

The part where his shoulder comes to a point at the end of the card, it's going to injure you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you try to put that in your pocket, you're going to get poked. It's going to hurt. Yeah. And you're going to rip it up or burn it out of spite. I mean, dude, he says, even if you hate me uh you won't get rid of it still won't get rid of it could you imagine getting that and the next thing you you don't do is just

toss it in the trash immediately immediately guess what guess what i wouldn't do that with though a regular business card i know i just go What he's saying is completely the opposite of the truth. Was he the first delusional guy, like on social media? No, but he's really carrying the torch for delusion. Also, is this guy worth a billion? If he's worth a billion dollars, okay. But he's not, right? No, I know.

That's what I'm saying. Of course not. How could he be? It's so niche what he's even talking about. When have you ever gotten a business card that you can open? Like it's a pop-up book for kids he has another business card that he uses for a bookmark in his own business card you open up the business card and like a tiger pops out you know and an elephant goes like this like my son would look at that business card for a fucking 25 minutes yeah exactly and then you get hurt with it because it's got a pokey edge he'd stab

billy with it all right anyway we we've got to keep going with this. All right. What's up, Chris and Matt? I've got a question for you. He's the head of security. Nobody gets past the tall grass. I've got the life rips, mouth guard right here. Oh, hell yeah.

Man, it's kind of old. So I've got a question for you. What color scheme should I get to use for my fight december 16th ufc 296 at the t-mobile arena in las vegas let me know i'm getting a new one baby awesome dude head of security for the log cabin uh our favorite ufc fighter he's killing it actually he's doing really well um and we support him 100 love this dude dude i i just real quick i saw him completely not through you after a fight that he won and he was smiling and he was showing the mouth guard life rips and i was like what the fuck does it say my brother's thing in his mouth yeah that's

funny and then and then i and it is that hell it was. Why didn't you tell me? Bad brother, huh? Because you already knew. How did you know I knew? Because then I reverse engineered. I got it. I got it. We love this dude. Killer.

Yeah. Okay. So, well, what color scheme? I don't know, man. I mean, look, I know fighting is manly and shit like that, but I go bright, especially if it's in the little thing right there. I would go bright. It's got to pop.

I would go bright. Neon green or like one of those glow-in-the-dark colors this is what i vote for but that might be kind of you got to also think about it's in your mouth though so it could be kind of like you don't want to be green because it might be gross uh like a hot you might want to be but you need to be but needs to be light enough to you where you see the dark letters though right so it needs to be light enough to where you see the dark letters so this might be too dark lighter than this a green a green that's lighter than this yeah yes dude that was so quick if you want more than one color though that and hot pink would be sick yeah but you won't be able to see it why won't you be able to see it hot pink is the most visible color but that and hot pink what what color the letter maybe you

don't want pink or red in your mouth though that's too. That's what I'm saying. You didn't say that. And don't act like you did. I meant that. I meant that. But what about... Ooh. What about... No, no, no. The light green.

The light neon kind of Halloween green. But when you say color scheme, it makes you think you want one color and then another complementary color. Yeah, yeah. I think that he meant... I mean, it's such a small area. You got to pick one color and then you got to make the letters dark. Let's just also give him another color in case he needs another one.

Oh, right. But it's like, all right. The light green. Two-tone green. No, because then you can't see the letters. Oh, yeah. The letters have to, then letters only have to be black. Right, right, right, right, right.

The other color is black. It has to be. Light green, like this shade The other color is black. It has to be. Light green, like this shade. A little bit lighter. But lighter, and then black. There you go. How do you make one of those, by the way? He hand makes it.

He hand makes his own mouthpiece. When he's not training? It's his second time. Yeah, yeah. Like this thing. He does it when he's on the elliptical. He's the man, dude. We love him.

He's my favorite UFC fighter. Cool. Yeah yeah the guy's good that's cool it's good it's cool i love it oh it's good and and and that and that vibe the life rips that's how he's winning dude that's how he's winning and even if you lose life still rips you gotta remember that's when it rips but he's not gonna lose because the man yeah he's not gonna lose all right cool he's cool god bless him and his wife i'm religious leonardo caprio oh my god in the departed dude leonardo caprio the departed go back rewind it dude leonardo caprio in the departed he's just gonna start begging us for like medic like pills he can take yeah to numb his mind all right because he goes through so much shit what do i do about my forehead, I have a pretty large forehead and everywhere I go, people comment on it. Um, talk about it, you know, anytime I don't wear a hat

that is, um, and you know, most times lately, especially I have been wearing hats. Um, so you know, to cover it up. Um, so what do i do about my forehead i'm thinking uh do i just go bald um you know my dad's bald a lot of my family members are bald um but you know but then i think well i don't really have the muscles to be going bald um so should i be hitting the gym and then going bald um you don't just for reference this is what my hair looks like i mean bro who's making fun of you what kind of dickheads are you surrounding yourself with your regular ass forehead yeah i mean that's not even a five head you're going bald well you're going bald exactly but his

forehead's a normal fucking size right yeah no one has hair on their forehead yeah that's his head they're getting in your big head they're getting into your regular sized head regular sized regular foreheaded head dude i think uh i think that if you that this brings up a great point though that i have said if you're bald you gotta have a good body you cannot be bald and fat and you can't be bald and too skinny or just have a flabby nothing body if you lose your hair the acceptable thing to do to be in society is have a great body i don't like what you're saying i don't like it either i wish it wasn't true i don't like it either the guy in night court who just died? He was bald. Okay.

And his body was whatever. Fair enough. And he was the man. But he's probably really tall, right? Yeah, he is really tall. Fair enough. He's big enough. Oh, so you can be really tall and not have a great body.

He's not fat, though. No, he's not fat at all. He's just got big, dense body. Yeah. Okay, so if you have big, dense body and you're bald, that's okay. Okay. yeah okay so if you have big dense body and you're bald that's okay okay but if you are bald and you do not have big dense fat big dense body foreign and you're fat or just flabby skinny if you're bald not good enough oh also he's not bald look he shaves it that's hilarious oh oh wow

i didn't know that me neither yeah r.i.IP, though. Richard Maul. Dude, you were the man. You were so funny in Night Court. I wonder why I was bald in Night Court. Just like getting into character, man, you know? He's not bald. Wow. See, there you go. One for me.

He's actually got a great head of hair. Yeah, he's got great hair. That's interesting. He's got hair like Dad. Look at that. Yeah, you don't think about that. Click on the one all the way to the right result. Yeah.

Naturally. That one, yeah i mean he's literally got a great head of hair i mean that is dad that guy that's so interesting that he shaved it because everyone knows him as a shaved head guy yeah that's actually so good for him. Imagine being super recognizable, bald, but actually having hair. Yeah. That's like such a good life. Ah. You know what I'm saying? Like no one would stop him on the street. He's so recognizable though.

No, I feel like he's too... I would. I would. I would not. I would. I'd be like, that's the guy from my group.

That's my favorite actor, Richard Maul. He just died, huh? He just died huh he just died yeah really like this week oh really like by the time

of this recording it'll have been over a week but yeah oh wow so that's too bad he was great he was 80 huh he looked great

that makes well we don't know when that was taken right right but I mean if that's him in his 70s he looked great yeah that's great some people just die huh everyone actually actually not no but some people it's just like

like and they're 80 and it's like some people they decline i guess most i don't know most people well i mean to some degree and i guess we haven't seen like you know we don't know what his last year of life was like but he's 80 he could have been anything i know but but some people you're just like like you you see them and they're like wow he's great and then they die correct yeah that's fucked up i wish just realizing this you're 43 years old i know but it's like i want it to i want people to understand i want people to know i i wish we knew i don't wish we knew when it was coming from birth i wish we knew I don't wish we knew when it was coming from birth I wish we got like

okay you got you know two years left God I'm so happy we don't have that that would ruin the world me too

if everyone knew me too from two years out when they were going to die me too the world would have already been destroyed you're right

first of all I know but it would not work. Sometimes we say things we don't mean. I don't wish that. It would be good for everyone else in your life to know, but not you. If you had a force field around possibly knowing, and people who love you got to know, that would be fine.

You'd be able to tell. People would be treating you way better. No, I'm saying if you had a force field around possibly knowing. You couldn't get the... Hey, Jim's here! I'm about like an actual thing not i hope you really enjoy this birthday party so annoying not that everyone has to keep it a secret you fuck happy birthday to you happy birthday dear jim one of the most important people I ever met in my entire life. Just I hope he knows that. It's weird that we want people before they die to know how much they mean to us.

It's like. They're just going to die. Just do that before then. Do that your whole life because that's when it matters. Don't cram it in at the end. It's like god i mean we have to say it right i can just start laughing my brother just farted in the middle of me making an important point about life even my butthole has good timing wow on your uh grave even his butthole even whose butthole had good timing uh yeah i completely forgot i was

gonna say but that doesn't a fart will do that to you yeah fart will do that to you okay i ate a nope that's not what we do we don't go into the details of what we ate after we fart. People don't want to know the specs of a fart, you know? What specs you got on that? Like it's a car? Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait. What kind of fart was that? Yeah, nobody wants that, dude.

What was the last thing you ate? And then the meal before that, too. No, I had a fucking... Congrats. We don't care. What's... No. Hold on, man.

All right, all right, all right. I want to talk about it separately. It has nothing to. What's... No. Hold on, man. All right. All right. All right. I want to talk about it separately. It has nothing to do with the fart. Well, now it does. It's inextricably tied to the fart. Everybody farts.

All right. Everybody farts. Inextricably tied to the fart. Everybody farts. Everybody toots. So, hold on. Last night. Last night. I't a fucking pop tart you did no oh okay well what i did don't mislead us tell us what i did tell us the truth you did a pop tart but what

kind no i didn't need a pop tart this sucks which is it dude you're just like you're talking to the riddler talking to the riddler what is the truth retired riddler but still has the life in him and can't imagine the riddler on a first date she's going what the fuck i don't know i like you or is it she's just like fucking he was nice but like i couldn't tell what was true okay man that's right i've got the beef sirloin for you and what about you boy i would like something that lives at night but nights so so um uh last night i got a burger i couldn Shatner. I couldn't remember what I got. And then I got it from Fred 62.

You know that place? I do. Okay. They have their own Pop-Tarts that they make. Oh, yeah. So it's not a Pop-Tart. It's whatever it is that they make. Right, right, right.

Yeah. So I got it. Yeah. And I ate that. And I don't think it was that good. It wasn't good. It was fine. What a tale. You know know nobody tells them like you do

i don't think that i don't think that they should have it on their menu no yeah i know what you mean because it's it's fine yeah fred 62 is not a great place it's really not oh dude i'm wrong no oh you're right okay it's fine yeah it's actually i'm not shitting on it it's borderline fine less than fine it's like a diner just any time right yeah it's no swingers swingers is great for a diner swingers is better for sure so 101 was the best but yeah it's gone now it's a different place i can't believe it's gone it's a different place now i know i think the menu is roughly the same though oh i think i'm not sure i have no idea you're talking out of your ass okay so i haven't been there since but um what was i gonna say no one knows something about the fred 62 oh yeah dude i go on postmates you

know to get them to freaking bring it you know the burger the burger is 25 you know it's crazy man things cost so much now dude a burger is 25 you know what's the sad truth is probably they probably can't even stay in business if they're like that's it's not even they're like let's fuck people over they're like the meats this i know buns that the fuck you know i mean it's like it's so expensive now across the board. And it showed up and it was not a $25 burger. Of course not. You go to a place, to a restaurant, you get a burger. Honestly, if you go to a nice restaurant

and get a $25 burger, that's expensive. Totally, yeah. This fucking burger was $25.01. It was actually $25.01. Okay, well that penny doesn't matter at all. That's what it was. And it was so mid, bro. well that penny doesn't matter at all but yeah that's what it was and it was so mid bro it wasn't bad though it was just whatever it was fine right okay it was it was truly fine but dude david's was even worse because his second patty was super small i know why i guess he probably ordered something shitty with a bunch of shit on it that's how he got no

cheese on it. Dude. Whatever. It was bad. But anyway. I love when people act like they're eating healthy and they order something that's just a fucking mess for your body, but you get it with no cheese. You get something shitty for your body, but no bun. God forbid.

That's legit. I said that on stage a few nights ago because of David Sullivan. Yeah, that's the most David Sullivan thing there is. Dude, he will be like... Dude, this is what I was talking about on stage basically the bit but part of it but i was like uh because you have that one friend that is just like oh man i think it's a cheese like i think i got cheese you know right and it's like dude you ate a fucking chair yeah right you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah dude. Dude, it's so ridiculous.

The shit he eats. I used to live with a guy. And then he'll be like, well, it had dairy in it. Right, yeah. When I lived in New York, I lived in this shitty old tenement style, railroad style, four-flight walk-up. You couldn't even get to the main area without going through other people's bedrooms.

That's railroad style, right? Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah, it's terrible. And one of the dudes used to order from this Thai place all the time. And before the food would get there, he would run downstairs to the little bodega in the corner of the street and get a cup of coffee to have with his Thai food. Oh, God, no. no and i was always like listen there's gonna come a day that you're gonna be so fucked up that you're gonna do what you're doing now and you're gonna need to go to the emergency room

and guess what i'm not gonna help you do that i'm not gonna be the one that goes with you because i'm telling you now it's gonna happen and it's gonna be only your own fault okay okay i swear on my fucking life okay like either a month three months i don't know how long the distance was that happened he got such terrible food poisoning that he had to go to the fucking hospital and then what he was there for a whole fucking day did you go with him no my other roommate did i was like i'm not going i told you we all knew what's gonna happen i'm not wasting a fucking day at a hospital because you sent yourself there but but but he could have just disagreed that it was going to happen

he could have what did he disagree it was gonna happen yeah he was like what it's fine he's like i never get sick from this i was like okay you're gonna when that day comes i'm not helping you why did you think it was going to happen have you ever eaten thai food yeah a few times and have you ever drink had coffee in your life yes that's why okay but that doesn't mean you're going to get food poisoning it's going to show up it's like throwing matches near tanks of gasoline with big wide openings that the match could fall into. And then someone being like, well, doing that might actually blow something up.

You think so? Yeah. I was right though. So I don't think so. I know so. But was it food poisoning? No, no. I mean, I don't know.

I guess I don't know the clinical term for whatever. Why did he go to the hospital, bro? Because he was like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber, you know? Feet off the ground. Like that, yeah, exactly. Dude, you know when you're there and you're sitting there and you're just like,

and you see what I'm saying? You know what I mean? I let it go. Dude, be honest. I let it go. That hasn't happened to me in so long. I know, but I do it. It's something nice about it.

It's something nice about it. It's so gross, dude. But it is, though. It is that. Dude, when's the last time you had food poisoning where it's coming out? gross, dude. But it is, though. It is that. Dude, I... When's the last time you had food poisoning? Where it's coming out? Oh, dude.

Oh, my God. I had such bad food poisoning. Remember at the beach that one year? No. Oh, I was vomiting so hard. No, I never get it. I was vomiting fucking so hard, bro. At the beach?

What beach? Like what? Seal Beach. When? Oh, man. I mean mean it was a long time oh wait yeah i do remember that this is my first marriage yeah you were acting like a bitch on the couch the whole time bro i was in the bathroom the whole time dude it would come out and it was the kind where it would just be like

like where you're just it's just firing out you can't and dude and the best part was like you know i don't know if dad came in once it was just like you're right and then they're just go there i just i know they're in bed just like this yeah and i'm just oh and it's 3 a.m dude and they're just and everyone else is just and i couldn't stop dude and it did not come out of my butt. It did not come out of my butt. Well, that's even worse because then it's just disgusting. When it comes out of both, when you're vomiting and it's coming out of your bum. At the same time?

Yeah, dude. I know somebody that that's happened to. Simultaneously? Yes. And they were like, you have to choose one. Oh, my God. It was like, I got to throw up and shit. Which one hits the bowl? Choose wisely.

Wow. Yeah. That sounds like the worst. And they were vomiting in the thing and shitting out on the floor. Yeah, dude. Don't make that choice? I don't know. Don't make...

Grab a trash can, shit in the toilet and throw up. Right. Can we just do it? You know what I mean? You don't always have the whole... Here's the thing, though. You don't... You can't just... You're in different positions's the thing though you don't you you can't

just you're in different positions because you're contorting and you got to fall down you got to get up you got to so you know you're hanging you're like oh no and you throw up and uh-oh and it comes out too like you're just the bathroom is just a war zone god it's interesting how i think i've had food poisoning once it doesn't i get sick a lot in a lot of different ways my stomach is like a fucking i made of iron i've had it either one that one time or or maybe another time oh you too you know yeah no yeah i wonder what that's about very rarely even i remember there was there was one time i realized i hadn't thrown up in like over a decade yeah yeah. Yeah. Cool. I'm great. All right.

Let's do one more before we're done. All right. All right. Hi, Chris and Matt has no features. I'm from Toronto. I was hanging out with some buddies recently. And,

uh, as you, as you are, when you get a bunch of dudes together, um, it's the randomest, most random stuff comes up. Um,

somehow the topic of conversation, as it's going, yeah. Ways in which you put your pants on. Making it up. It seemed like the consensus was that most people, most of the guys I was talking to at least, both the, so the pants are on the ground. And. The way he's describing it.

Both feet go in and they pull straight up from there. And that was ludicrous to me i could not believe that it was pretty much everybody there thought that was the best way what i have always i had to think about it because i keep like so such a random thing but i do a one step in and halfway up yeah and then the other light goes in and then you go all the way up yeah um am i crazy no that's not what people normally do no you were hanging out with three-year-olds in which you would put this guy's hanging out with a bunch of three or four-year-olds and then pull up from there what the fuck do i need to rethink

my life no um dude that's like anyways help me out here guys um yeah that's like people that's like people who what that's like honestly people who go to the bathroom in the urinal and put their pants all the way down their ankles dude like what are you doing matt mcmurray if you're out there watching i was friends with you when we were like five or six uh you lied and said you had seen total recall when you in fact hadn't seen total recall anyway this isn't about that weirdest non sequitur one time you were at my house hanging out with me and steven lovecchio and for some reason, we're all being rough housing

and just being like, you know, little knuckleheads because that's what five and six year olds are. But Matt, you went to the bathroom. This is a confessional. I'm speaking directly to you. Matt, you went to the bathroom and I thought it'd be funny to barge in on you.

But you were peeing, standing up and your pants were all the way down to your ankles. And I felt so embarrassed for you that I tried to quietly close the door so that you wouldn't know I barged in. But as I'm coming back out, Matt, you turned your head to look over. And when you did that, I shut it real quick. And Matt was like, what were you doing? Why were you coming to the bathroom? And I was like, I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. That didn't happen. It didn't happen. Let that didn't happen it didn't happen let me tell you it did happen that's the stupidest and i felt bad because you were acting like a little kid even though you were a little kid nobody want no little kid wants to be acting like a little kid you know yeah it's embarrassing and i was embarrassed for you and i still don't know why to this day your pants were around your ankles when you were only peeing how old is he five or six no uh i guess yeah maybe maybe seven i don't know i mean dude that's the most used story of all time dude yeah it is yeah to feel bad about something that maybe somebody would maybe feel bad about but probably doesn't yeah and then yeah because

yeah i know you know what's even stupider this is the stupidest part i wouldn't be embarrassed yeah if that happened to me that's very you that's very you that is the that is the peak stupidity of that's very there's a lot of stupid shit about it but that is the stupidest part yeah yeah it's true that's how i pee even now to this day i can't wait till my next therapy session. I had to restart peeing like that. I can't wait till my next therapy session. This is what I'm going to talk about. There are much bigger issues, Matt. So you claim this is really going to change my life.

So hold on. I had to relearn to do that, and now I do that. What? Piss with my pants around my ankle. So you do that now as a 40-something-year-old? Yeah, I relearned when I was 38. Relearned, you know? Unlearned. Not hard to rele i was 38 relearned you know uh not hard to relearn unlearn uh no um no you those people that you're talking about are either three and four

years old they might even be trolling you adults just do not do that that is not a thing adult adults do the only thing i could argue is maybe they were talking about from a sitting position they do that that's the only time it's borderline except that would have come up because this is he's getting in i'm just trying to think of all the angles because that's so men is is wrong i still do it the first the way yeah but if you're overweight and you got to sit down and do it i've been making up so much if you're overweight and you've got to sit down and do it. I've been making up so much. If you're overweight and you live in the American South. Indian, from their culture. On the west side of the Mississippi River at 6 p.m. or later.

And your job's early. It's just what children do. Okay. And that's it. Adults do it the way the guy, the submitter, the submission, the submitting guy. Have you ever tried to pee by just using the fly and just taking your penis out? Yeah. And your belt's still buckled?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have? I've tried it, yeah. What was it like to you? It was difficult. Worst interview. Why? It was difficult because it's hard to control where all of the pee goes when you don't have control over the...

Speaking, speaking. When you're not controlling the shaft of your cockaroni. No's not why it's difficult have you tried it yes okay then why did you display shock when i said i've tried the difficulty is if you do it the underwear will continue to try and rise up and cut off the supply to the pee. Sure, that's true too. But you also, when you pee. You take your balls out too. Yeah, and you also hold your leg up with it and everything.

You hold your left leg up with your balls and dick as you pee. You take your legs out. You take your legs out. No, dude. It's best to control the shaft of your winky doodle dandy when you are peeing because that's where the... Yeah. It's like holding a gun on the...

I understand. You also have to hold your underwear down if you're just letting it out. Correct. So I'm saying take your balls out too like you're in that fucking amateur allure porn videos. Oh, right. Yeah, you do. What is that? Amateur allure?

What the fuck is that? Anthony knows, you know. It's always funny when somebody makes a joke about a certain kind of porn some people don't get it and somebody else laughs you're a freak motherfucker it's not even freaky it's just what they do it's amateur allure is this web it's porn website and he's dying this guy only takes he never takes his pants down. He only, if he has a belt on, it's buckled. Oh. He unzips it, takes his penis and balls out.

Okay. And that's how he gets a blowjob and fucks. Hey, guy, take off your pants. I don't know if he likes the, you know, the constriction of it or what. Oh, okay. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is, but he never, you know what actually in my head i think it might be he's got identifiable tattoos oh and he doesn't want people to know he does porn because he never shows his face got it okay dude luther sherlock

holmes yeah shercock holmes because someone would be like because someone would be like well why why is he only do that i must like it must be a kink thing something doesn't make sense does it the worst episode of Luther there could possibly be I think it you know what it is tattoos

it won't be identified that's why it doesn't show his face and everyone goes like ah that's why it's Luther the reason he only takes his cock and balls out instead of taking his pants all the way down

is because he's got identifying marks yeah it's probably like his cock and balls it's probably like a tiger or something maybe it's a yin and a yang I was just gonna say yeah you did you said that yeah yeah yeah um

maybe it's the name of a former lover all right you know okay uh maybe it's discarded luther episode ideas what uh fuck what was i gonna say before oh right yeah you do have to take to to make sure the band of the underwear does not constrict or restrict the flow of the urine you have to lift carefully the balls out oh no go over over the band of sex tantric teacher a tantric instructor dude um you lift the balls over the band of the underwear Continue to pull the band down So it does not restrict or constrict The flow of the urine Let the urine flow until you are finished

Shake, shake, shake Shake your body Doesn't know it And then you Gently slide the balls and penis back Gently You don't want to have the balls bang against the leg Demonetized to high heaven but um no i i it's not it's worth it's you think it's more it's one of

those things that you think it's more convenient by not muggling your belt it ends up being way more work you're that's exactly right what you said all right good i thought you were going to disagree i was about i was already getting a pissed off no it's exactly right it's the most you've only been that right. You've never been more right. Frankly, you're never ever really often that right in the first place. No. But you can only be that right.

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