Lifeline - 86. Superpigs

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

✨ LIFELINE LUXURY is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Amazing new episode just came out a few days ago! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. Today starts with some unsolicited advice to Chris about hats, we then discuss etiquette for being a film snob or referencer of films, an update from Big Dog and his gf and her weird sibling update, where to look at someone with a lazy eye, and some advice for how to date in rural areas. Also, we talk about Fletch. 📆 Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Welcome to Lifeline. Okay, yeah. Episode 86. It's Sunday, December 3rd.

Yeah, it is. And it's, look, you know, it's a home stretch for the year, right? Christmas is coming up. You know what you do for Christmas? You can get someone Patreon for the Lifeline Luxury. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury. You can do that. Or you can go and you can get my special for your special someone.

Special for a special someone. And that's on ChrisAlea.com. It's my special grow or die. So what? Frantic. Frantic. I was just in traffic for do the thing. I was just in traffic for two hours.

So anyway. But I'll be in, let's see, December 3rd. So I will be in, well, tonight I'll be in traffic for two hours. So anyway, but I'll be in, let's see, December 3rd. So I will be in, well, tonight I'll be in Redding. And then Oxnard, California. I'll see you coming up soon. And Sacramento, California. Brea, California. Phoenix, January 20th.

Can't wait for that to go back to the Celebrity. Is it the Celebrity Theater? Yeah, the one in the round. And El Paso, Texas. And Albuquerque, New Mexico. Bragging. Well, you know, it's what it is. I got a new podcast solo coming out.

Not with this frigging jabroni, you know what I mean? It's called The Private Record. You can submit now to be a guest. You got a crazy story you want to call on the show, tell the world, tell me, and tell the world. Go to theprivaterecord.com and submit yourself as a guest there we're on all the socials instagram tiktok the private record and subscribe on youtube to get all the updates for when we're going to drop episodes you got a question click for this show

click the link in the description below he who he who he who he who or go to watch lifeline.com okay or you can do at the hotline at the number that's in your own world top of my head but it's just you know bing bing bing bong bing bong in your own world you want a one-on-one advice session with me go to matalia.com bing bing bing bing bing you want the lifeline merch go to lifelinemerch.com dude i don't want i don't want my fans to come up to me at my meet and greet saying bing bong too late because they do that late. Because they do that. They do that.

They do that. It's spreading. It's going viral. What do you think of wearing black with light jeans? What do I think about it? Yeah. Here's what I think about it. Do you think it's okay?

It's fucking, yeah, dude. I don't like to do that. You're like a dad of a four-year-old in 1989 when you do that. I am almost a dad of a four-year-old in 1989 when i am almost a dad of a four-year-old and it's 2023 but i i i don't think you i feel that same way too i feel like it's a dad thing to wear a black sweater and light jeans but you're a dad so it's all good no no but why do we think that's a dad because it's like a thing that our dad and his friends did yeah we were little kids right okay yeah i mean i suppose so dude we had i normally don't our dad bill delia is known in the tri-state area for those who don't know

like anthony who actually literally just he literally just said he thought kansas was on the east coast before you walked in wow okay well okay so people that don't know geography because he doesn't know he lives in an awful neighborhood too like anthony doesn't know shit about geography thought kansas was on the east coast dude like on the actual coast yeah i guess it's more i didn't say the coast kansas what kansas which kansas city though it doesn't matter it doesn't matter that's crazy kansas he thought it was on the east coast anyway wait he thought the state kansas was in the state kansas was on the east coast that's how wrong he was yeah you didn't even understand because that's how wrong he was. No, I didn't understand.

I couldn't understand. Yeah, couldn't possibly. But my dad, it turns out, our dad, he's also your dad, was an icon in the tri-state area. He was a pioneer in wearing all black. Oh, that's, yes. Did you know that? No, wait, who said that? It was delivered to us by the producer of the show chris yeah he was told

it by the father of someone he met when he went to college in ithaca which is in upstate new york nowhere near new jersey where we grew up the legend had spread so just like johnny cash my my dad was a pioneer and wearing all black i wore i wore all black to the gym today and i was i was wearing all black to the gym today and you know that's not a thing i think about i just had the clothes on and some guy said looking really armenian today someone just came up to you and said that yep and i was just like oh yeah i think you don't know all black i think you don't know i mean i only know him from he said like high and other things to me at the gym. You could be Armenian though. Like it's not that far of a cry for you to be.

I think I really don't. I don't think I look Armenian. You don't, but it's like, what a thing to say. Maybe he was Armenian. I'm not sure he could have been Armenian. Oh, he could have been like Armenian pride. Yes, yes, yes. But anyway, I got the dark.

It's actually a grow or die. What do you think? Competent QVC. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, a male stripper. A male stripper, what you just did. Why, why, why? Oh, because it looked back?

It just stuck out your butt and looked back. So it's a grow or die crew neck, and it's really nice. But you can get it at chrisley.com. But yeah, so I'm wearing this. And dude, I don't, do you think, Okay, so here's how much traffic that we had. Here's how much traffic that was on. And you were acting like I should have known it was going to be two hours.

And that's not... That's ludicrous. You were 75 minutes late. So let's add that to the time that you took to get here, which was 40 minutes. 40 minutes is an absurd amount of time to assume it would take you to get from where you live. I was about to say it, but I don't want to say it.

It's okay. Down to downtown Los Angeles. Okay? Getting from Silver Lake to downtown at 420 would take 40 minutes. Okay? You were coming from four times that distance, probably more.

I didn't know it was going to be that bad. I thought it would be, I thought it would be 10, 15 minutes. I even said when we were making a time to come here, I said, it's five o'clock. That's probably the worst possible time. And everyone was like, no, do it. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Only I was on time. I'm really sorry. I feel really badly. And dude, I was in so much traffic that I called mom and dad. They were sitting together, though. They called me back. They didn't pick up, either of them. They both called me back separately.

They were both at the house. And they both called me back separately. Mom called me back. Hey, what's going on? I said, oh, hey, how's it going? She was talking. We were talking a little bit. Ten minutes later, my dad said, hey, did you call?

That's so dad. Speaking of dad shit, that is so dad. I was like, yeah. Oh, yeah i i guess mom didn't tell you they were probably watching fucking combat or something like that you know what i mean what's combat that black and white show in the 50s oh wow remember how dad used to watch it no you don't no i remember he used to watch bonanza yeah same thing i mean like that you know not same thing obviously a different show but you're making it i would never call bonanza combat but um so yeah there was okay so do you think mom was like well you know not same thing obviously a different show but you're making it i would never call bonanza combat but um so yeah there was okay so do you think mom was like well you know the holidays and also the holiday i was like i think it might be the rain because it drizzled a

little a little bit but then mom was like oh yeah you know the holidays too you think the holidays i guess more people are out doing their their stuff no one's out doing but not right now though it's no that's not why it's just because it's L.A., dude. That's what L.A. is. At 5 o'clock, you can't get anywhere. It's like everyone, even people not in L.A., even people in Kansas, all the way on the East Coast know that. Yeah, all the way on the East Coast.

All the way on the eastern seaboard in Kansas. All the way. I think it's actually in the water. Kansas is in the water. It's further east than Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico. Oh! Every time I think of Puerto Rico, I think of that. Do you know what that is? Getting poked in the butt? No further east than puerto rico yeah puerto rico oh every time i think of

puerto rico i think of that do you know what that is getting poked in the butt no do you know what it is no it's a song let's move on it's not it's not important but um anyway i'm feeling good do you want to know anything about me or what's up not at all this podcast is your favorite podcast we know it is and here's the thing we have we have something that we want you to do okay tell your friend about this podcast somebody that doesn't already listen to the podcast spread it spread this podcast like it's a cancer okay because you know what i mean it's like we want this podcast to go decades and decades and decades yeah don't you yeah right yeah i can't believe how many people write to me telling me how much they love the podcast there you go and it's like well prove it you love. And it's like, well, prove it.

You love it so much. Prove it. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Prove it, dude. All right. So anyway, it's like it is what it is. But there is a mattress in my living room.

Do we have to explain that? Do you want me? Do you want me to? Is that going to even make any sense at all? You have to explain that do you want me well is that gonna even make any sense at all you have to explain it yeah okay absolutely not so how could it make sense if you've explained it if we've talked about it before we've done so many episodes of the show I don't know how many inside jokes we've explained and how many we haven't

no there's a mattress inside in my living room right okay so for how many years now maybe like 25 years we've made this joke. Oh, explain the joke you want to say. Yeah. Yeah. I don't give a shit about why there's a mattress in the living room. I think we've probably done the joke.

Here. Okay. If it's the thing that the guy's saying in the sniper. Yeah. It's like a code for a sniper 300 yards away. If I say there's a mattress in the living room, it's a bullock to the head. Yeah. Okay.

Mattress in the living room. Anyway. Saying it so drunk. There's a mattress in the living room anyway saying it's so drunk there's a mattress in the living room yeah uh why do there you go is that we want to know about too you want to answer it so go ahead we don't have to talk about it but i will tell you all right so kristen said to calvin okay so calvin it was like time to go to bed and calvin's like i want to sleep in your guy's bed we're like we can't but what do you think would you want to sleep downstairs in the living room she says

and i was like i was like what yeah what yeah and calvin goes like this yes of course right and i was like what's going on here yeah why and then she the next thing i know she's bringing the mattress from our bedroom upstairs to the living room downstairs mattress dude i think do you know something that i i am always dealing with is how how much i forget how heavy mattresses are yeah mattresses are really heavy mattresses don't i don't think are really heavy. Mattresses don't, I don't think they have to be that heavy. And I think that it's a little bit fucking annoying that they're that heavy. Okay?

It's like they're filled with, it's like they're always wet is how heavy they are. But they got to be that heavy to be, the more expensive they are. I know. Okay. So somebody one time gave me an $8,000 mattress. I would never buy something that expensive.

He was like, I don't want it. I've never used it. I was like, do I want it? Of course. Yeah. But I had to transport it. Yeah. And I was like, this is not I would never buy something that expensive. He was like, I don't want it. I've never used it. I was like, do I want it? Of course. But I had to transport it. Yeah. And I was like, this is not a possible thing to transport. Yeah.

So this mattress was so heavy, it must have been 120K. Yeah. Right? And so I go out. I'm like, you're not going to get the inflatable? Because we have an inflatable one, too. That's like $10, right? She's like, no, we're going to bring the real mattress down.

I'm like, no, baby, come on. Let's not do this. I look at Calvin, and he's already got some of the covers. He's like, I'm she's like now we're gonna bring the real mattress down i'm like no baby come on let's not do this i look at calvin and he's like he's already got some of the covers he's like i'm helping i'm doing it good i'm like the strong person from encanto who's a woman that's a whole nother thing but anyway that's what he's saying and uh so i'm like okay and we bring the mattress down dude it's so heavy we bring it downstairs put it in the living room she moves all the furniture and we're watching tv and now like i can't do anything else all day the next day because we don't put it back because it's too heavy to bring it back up which is me and

her so now disaster this is like an i would have this nightmare but but so the sleeping part was super fun calvin was there we're in the living room it's been there for three days so our bedroom is the living room i mean that's kind of cool but it's cool getting it back but here's the other thing last night get it back last night movers i know so last night david was over and he was like oh it's a mistake right and we were hanging we were watching that show fucking face off you know with the hollywood makeup shit and all that not not the nicholas kate thing no i don't know and uh thankfully and chris was like i want to go to bed and i was like david's over and she's like i know but i gotta sleep i'm like but we're in the lift this is the living room now why wasn't his mattress taken to the living room who's

calvin it's not david it's smaller it's smaller david sullivan it would have taken a lot we're gonna get you yeah because it's smaller and we wouldn't fit okay anyway that's that's the news and you came here for the news and that's great that's just you don't have so many questions i'm not even asking you know what i mean do you want to just get into it all right okay hey chris and matt um so this isn't a question this is actually just advice for chris uh i'm wearing hats because i think you would i think you would look good in baseball hats um but the secret is that you need to get dad caps instead of no it's regular baseball caps so that's the ones that have like the soft front instead of good advice but it's not it's not the secret for you yeah like the i don't have a hat to show you

but ah you should have brought a hat not the bill but the thing right here this idea you know it's soft um i think it'll look better on you and then also experiment with the angle of where it's at you know up and down let your hair do some stuff coming around it i think you just also have to get used to yourself in hats yeah i mean i understand that not look good in hats, but the more I wore them and people tell me, you look pretty good in that hat. Nobody ever said that. Hey, dude, you know what? I'm sorry. I didn't want to interrupt

your meal, but you look pretty good in that hat. Beanies, I look like a crackhead. Those are tough. But yeah. You look really good in that hat. Dude, nobody's ever said that to anyone in the world actually nobody's hey you look pretty good people have said you look really

good in that hat nobody's ever said you look pretty good yeah yeah it's not worth saying it's just not a thing it's not a thing nobody ever said the other thing is um makes everything he said totally toss everything i don't think that he uh knows but okay let me just say this dad hats look actually worse on they do they look worse they look worse on me yeah if i the only ball cap i could possibly wear is one straight up that like you know jay buehner wears for for work wow yeah so jay buehner yeah you know um i'm just not a hat guy and I'm fine with it. I don't need to be a hat guy. I don't care about it.

You know what? Hats itch my fucking head. How about that? I don't know how people wear hats all day. I don't understand how people wear hats all day. You wear a hat all day? Yeah. Actually more now than I used to.

And it doesn't bug you? It's like. Does it bug me? No, it doesn't bug me. It really. It doesn't just bug me. It really, really bugs me. Well, that's the kind of thing. It's like growing a beard. Everyone's like, you know, it itches. does it bug me no it doesn't bug me it really it doesn't just bug me it really really well that's the kind of thing it's like growing a beard

everyone's like you know it itches it itches well how do you grow that beard it itches dude if you have a beard you think I'm just itchy all day yeah mine doesn't itch at all

period you fucking maniacs like I'm not like doing it even though it itches a lot obviously it grows past a certain point and it doesn't itch anymore

but it doesn't even itch even at any point for me I never have an itchy beard Yeah I never have Yeah I know But if you What I'm saying is

If you don't ever have a beard And you start to grow one It itches in that initial period Oh not to me But you always have a beard That's what I'm saying If you don't always have a beard And then you decide to grow one

It itches Last time I shaved it I was 36 Well that's So 17 years ago No 7 years ago seven years ago and then the time before that i was 31 so i've shaved my beard twice in 13 years and that's no joke so then there's no joke therein lies the reason you never have an itchy beard it didn't itch when i grew it out those two times wow i'm pissed i'm pissed but that's the truth dude but you shaved it and then it grew right back yeah that's what i'm saying dude you are not listening john malkovich you are not fucking listening well what do you mean i'm not listening what do you mean what do you mean that's

what you're saying you're saying what if you always have a beard and then you shave it and grow it back it doesn't itch if you never have a beard i'm only you shave it and grow it back. It doesn't itch. If you never have a beard, I'm only saying the thing I've been saying the entire time. I get it. I get it. Only the same thing I've been saying the entire time. I don't know if you've been specifically saying that, but okay. Okay. Okay.

Fair enough. All right. But I don't look good in hats. I have been specifically saying that. Please rewind to find out. I'm not. I'm also not. I don't look good in hats.

I'm also not going to try. Yeah, don't bother. And I'm good. I'm good. I'm lucky I have good hair. I'm also not i'm i don't look good in hats i'm also not going to try yeah don't bother and i'm good i'm good also i'm lucky i have good hair i'm happy i'm good good and rate my hair worked out for everybody today yeah six and a half dude you're a real sting you know that then why do you ask dude you're just like last time you asked i said the truth it was a nine i gave you the fucking honest shit it looked good i think it's oh it looked better from the side seven and a half so so from the side seven and a half straight on six yeah six and a half yeah but that that is good this this is an eight yeah okay so it's up now all right yeah no it looks really good from the back. Or from the back, like this.

Seven. The funniest thing would be if you said ten. But okay, that's fine. I set you up for it. I don't fuck around with hair, dude. I set you up for a really funny joke. I just give you the honest shit, dude. I don't care how good a joke can be. I'm honest about hair.

All right. All right. All right, let's do the next one. What's up, guys? So a common interaction for me is that somebody will reference a movie from call it 1970 to 2000 now this isn't a big deal in itself right we're having a conversation you're welcome to reference whatever movie you want but i wasn't raised on film my parents didn't care about movies so i haven't seen all these sort of classic american films from before the turn of the

millennia and so inevitably have to be like hey i don't understand your reference i haven't seen that movie and then the person's like oh oh you haven't seen that movie dude you gotta see it it's the best movie like oh yeah and i'm like no it was made in 1983 and it's actually not good anymore you just have an association with it yes right and well that's wrong i actually can't really take it anymore because every time the reaction is the same when i haven't seen a person's favorite movie yeah you know and it's just like i'm not i don't really need advice on how to spin move out of this like i'll fucking you know put somebody down but i know you guys are film buffs, so I wanted to get your opinion on, are these people in the right for flaming me?

Good question. No, no, no. Or am I right to stand tall in the fact that I haven't seen these movies and don't watch these movies and don't give up? Going to become the camera. And then we see nothing. So the answer is, you're not wrong. If you don't care about movies who gives a shit yeah but he's saying though like should i have should i watch these movies the answer is no not if you don't

care about you obviously don't care about movies you weren't raised on movies you don't watch movies that are old like from before now so like why would you give a shit it's annoying that they do that but like i don't know i i love movies you know i don't even do that who are these people you know what though it really does happen no matter how many movies you've seen i've seen a lot of movies and there's movies that i just like it happened i haven't seen step brothers you haven't seen step brothers but like i said this the other day and people lost their mind. Like I can't just live a life and not see Step Brothers. Let me tell you something that's going to crack your mind open.

Okay. And the truth is going to alter your perception of reality. Oh, okay. You've seen Step Brothers. People. What? I have seen. I do.

I have all these memories of it. Okay. But for real though. Okay. People people like actual Film maniacs Okay would never do that See do what do the what this Guy's saying they think they're

Yes because they know that They're fucking maniacs and they're not like Expecting everyone else to be like That the only people that do that Are fucking losers who've seen like real hard 10 movies from every decade right and they think there's some fucking expert because they've seen fletch that might be true okay yeah so those people the ones that flame you for not seeing fucking city slickers you know are just fucking they should call them the idiots fletch

wandering around yeah fletch fucking sucks that sucks yeah but people that have seen fletch are like you haven't seen fletch yeah that movie should be called wandering why would they do that because he's just walking around like like looking in drawers that's all he does if well that would be better he's at the beach and shit that would be better sometimes yeah dude it sucks and then they try to make a remake with john ham did i didn't see it did you see it they did did you see it i didn't even know that you didn't see it dude i didn see it? They did? Did you see it? I didn't even know that that was a thing. You didn't see it? Dude. I didn't even know that was a thing, let alone did I see it. Yeah, Jon Hamm did it, yeah.

Okay, well. It's crazy because I was like, man, if they remade Fletch in 2000 with somebody, it would be a big deal. But now, just nobody gives a fuck. I mean, there's movies that I don't even know, that I should absolutely know exist, but, dude, even I'm just like, movies are so... I don't even fucking give a shit anymore. You know they remade Rocky two years ago?

I'm not kidding. Yeah, I mean, they basically did. What? Oh, right. Creed, yeah. Well, that's a spinoff. What was what? What was the Fletch remake called?

Wandering? No, Jon Hamm. I don't know. Fletch Wandering. I don't even know the Fletch remake called wandering no Jon Hamm I don't know Fletch wandering I don't even know this Fletch back in action Fletch whoopsie daisy who the fuck called Fletch it has to be called Fletch something yeah yeah yeah Fletch lives was the sequel that they made in the 80s no with Jon Hamm now not Fletch 2 he writes you know Fletch unreal he writes Fletch 2 he writes, you know? Fletch fucking unreal he writes. Fletch fucking 2. Do you believe this guy? I don't.

Fletch was a hit. Obviously, there's a 2. And it's obviously not the Jon Hamm one. Bro, it's called Confess Fletch? Yeah. Dude, what the fuck? Hold on. But we're not even doing... You gotta fuck with Fletch 2.

Fletch 2 already fucking exists. And it was made in the 80s. Of course he wouldn't know that. He thinks Kansas is underneath Connecticut. He literally thinks Kansas is right above fucking Florida, okay? The bigger thing is it's called Confess Fletch, dude! Okay, but why is that a thing? That's the worst fucking title ever!

I haven't heard of Fletch. Good for you. Unbelievable. Good for you. You haven't seen Fletch? No, it's fine you haven't heard of fletch it's fine it's good dude fucking that's progress somebody hasn't heard of fletch that's fucking it's a movie in the 80s that was by chevy chase chevy chase is very funny

and he's in it and he plays like this you know detective that's like you know silly but getting the job done kind of like in all these different adventures yeah he's a smart guy but uh yeah and it's bad it's really bad and people who have seen 12 movies from the 80s are like you haven't seen flesh lives yeah yeah shut the fuck up okay well i got you deserve to burn in fucking that's a bit extreme and uh we're gonna lose subscribers for that but uh i was i came home the other day and kristen was watching white christmas the movie with danny k and bing crosby cool cooler than fletch 1950 something good for her let me tell you something dude movies were fucking different and that movie sucked well those movies definitely sucked i mean go on 34 straight up one shot for fucking 12 minutes and he was just

like well darling we're both sitting on a bench how do you expect it was gonna go you know you're watching the wrong shit i'll give you some shit from matthew i understand that fucking nuts into your fucking ass losing subscribers so listen i'll give you some shit that'll blow your nuts down fucking throat out your fucking ass you have a nut sack dude i mean bleep that all Okay So But Anyway It was terrible White Christmas was terrible And

I can So you think movies can be good 70 years later? Yeah, they can Oh, I know they can Yeah, I mean I can list them up But I don't want to be boring as hell It's a cocksure

I don't want to be boring as fucking shit Unlike this guy's friends You haven't seen Casablanca? That movie probably sucks. Get new friends, dude. All right. That's the solution.

Well. That's the advice I got for you. Okay. You want to see that one? I mean, not saying words. All right. Another one. Hey, Chris and Matt.

So just went to the mechanic and the guy who's working on my car had a lazy eye. And I've come into this problem multiple times in the past don't really know where to look when i'm talking to them obviously trying not to look at their lazy eye um or maybe i should look at their lazy eye or should i look at just their one good eye or should i look at both eyes or pretend like i'm looking at both eyes i feel like that's what i usually do with people that have two good eyes um so just

trying to figure out how to make this not weird for him for me and everything in between um i know also side note uh this guy wanted to shake my hand after we met for an estimate and his hands were absolutely filthy i uh didn't want to shake them but i did because i didn't want to make things weird so i shook them i sucked it up i've gotten my hands dirty before doing things so i understand it's not a huge deal um but the thing that irks me the most is he held on so tight and for so long and so disgusting what do you do in that situation so first of all here's what you when someone with a lazy eye goes to shake your hand, there's only one thing to do. Give me your hand.

And that's it, alright? How could you not do that? But that's what they would do. What? I know, but obviously you can't undo them extending their hand. You can't go back in time and change someone else's actions. So you do that and then they go, what the fuck, oh that must be my fault.

No, they laugh because they have a lazy eye well but okay and they get the joke and you laugh i don't think that's actually that would work their nuts down their throat right out their ass bleep it out i don't think that honestly that that would be happen once even i don't think dude you guy with a lazy eye was appreciated and he would say you know what thank you i've been looking all my life for that i'm not saying they wouldn't appreciate it what i'm saying is if you go like this if a lazy guy like that and then you put your hand there i think zero of them would laugh and and and know what was happening that you were making a joke i think you don't think they would know but no not if you haven't talked about the lazy eye dude but everybody knows he's got a lazy eye he has a lazy eye it's not something you need to

talk about so picture this you have a lazy eye all right it's not new to you you've had one you're 40 you're not thinking of it every day all the time and someone does that you think what the fuck's wrong with this guy here i am correct here here lies the answer to his vice worst gravestone about the lazy eye he's not thinking about it he's had the lazy eye. He's not thinking about it. He's had the lazy eye forever. That's what I just said. I know I just said herein lies the fucking answer to his question.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, to him. Okay. I know you just said you're facing me. All right.

I thought you were giving him. Okay. He doesn't think about his lazy eye. It doesn't matter where you look. He's had it for fucking ever and ever. Yeah. Oh, okay. He doesn't give a shit. So you go back to the first one. He's got a lazy eye. Fucking hates it. I got an even better. He's had it for fucking ever and ever He doesn't give a shit where you look

He's got a lazy eye he fucking hates it But he's over it I have better advice Wear sunglasses So you see a guy with You're wearing regular glasses Hey sir He puts it down you still do the thing

Yeah dude that's exactly right That's what you should do Yeah Or do like this Or go like this Oh check this out No look What's up man

Yeah Or just do What I do Which is look off To the side of their eyes Or anywhere else Because I don't like

Looking people in the eye What about Why don't you look at Right In between their eyes That's a good idea Look at their Like the bridge of their nose

Dude I think I think What he's trying to He's overthinking it I've never thought about this in my life When somebody has a lazy eye I don't even think about it

Here's the truth of the matter You're overthinking it The advice is You're overthinking it It doesn't matter where you look He doesn't care where you look So if you're trying to save his feelings About feeling stupid or whatever For having a lazy eye he doesn't feel stupid for having a lazy eye

he just has one he doesn't care it doesn't matter where you look the end correct worst children's book yeah yeah okay it doesn't matter where you look yeah that's that's that's the advice and about the dirty hand thing i meant to say the end i had a complete malfunction okay well it happens jesus christ now the thing about the hand is leading me to believe that you got problems in general because you don't know you're panicking about where to look because the lazy eye yeah you don't want to touch his hand because he's a mechanic this guy of course his hands are dirty yeah go to therapy you go to a mechanic and you think all right i'm gonna have to wash my hands after this because you you're going to touch something disgusting. Also, here's the thing, dude.

I don't mind dirty hands. Yeah, who cares? I don't mind dirty hands. What I mind is clammy hands. I thought he was going to say that. When somebody has clammy hands, here's the deal. If you're a person, and I don't mean if you have clammy hands sometimes, but if you're a person who on the regular has clammy hands, because that's a thing. It's a real thing.

If that happens to you, don't ever fucking shake anyone's hand yeah because that sucks dude i got a buddy who he man it is crazy like i don't even know how he did i know who you're talking about yeah and you go hey what's up and oh no dude and sometimes you know who's gonna have the clammy hands too you're like no no don't do it bro don't do it bro all right okay well nice to meet you great well. Great. I knew it too. How about those people who are like, expect you to understand that they don't like to shake hands. So they'll just give you a fist.

Dude, there's nothing worse than that. Well, I do that. Be in the world. I do that. Be in the world. Shake their hand. No. Well, okay.

What about me? And this is the truth. I do meet and greets all the time. I meet a hundred people after every show. Okay. I don't shake hands. And when I stopped doing that, I got sick. I can't even tell you how exponentially less.

It's unbelievable. And I don't know if it's because of that. Well, it definitely is. Yeah. You know. No, I would be sick on the road. Stop shaking people's hands. I just go boom, boom, boom.

And then some people go, and I'm like go and i'm like and they go and i go what are you gonna do yeah it's called the harry mandel but denny always says to me he's like man i can't believe it's really inspiring how much you hold out for that i go i don't stop yeah i'm not gonna do it you don't go ah okay like you you gotta stick but if somebody's like disabled or something i might do it sure okay like if they had a lazy eye no not that disabled it would have to be something with their body like in a wheelchair well i yeah i would do it for sure yeah okay but more like even if they had a limp like a bad one okay where's the threshold not a little what what's not what's just not enough of a disability for you to hold out? Probably a limp, but not a bad limp. Like a knee problem?

Yeah, like I can't tell if it's a knee problem or if your leg's actually way shorter. But if your leg was way shorter, you would? I would probably have to do the open hand thing, yeah. But you would begrudgingly do it? No. You said I would have to. It made me think you'd begrudge me.

I would be like, okay, I understand that this is the thing here. I'm going to do it. But I wouldn't make him feel bad because already he's I would have to. It made me think... I would be like, okay, I understand that this is the thing here. I'm going to do it. Oh, okay. But I wouldn't make him feel bad because already he's going through some shit. Okay. Fine. But... Just like the lazy eye, he's probably not thinking about his fucking leg.

But I will also, if they had something really fucked up with their maybe mouth. Here's the thing about people with shit. I know you're fucking... I mean, maybe you're being serious but like lazy eye i know leg shorter than the other joking they don't give a fuck anymore that they have it i know the only times they the only people that give a fuck are you right right so do everybody a favor and stop caring because that's going to make everybody feel better i had a i had a friend who had uh one of those like hands that was like smaller and like, you know, and he was at this party

and I went with my old roommate. I mean, this was a long time ago to the party. And I said, Hey, what's up, bro? Said hi to him. I slapped his hand, his little hand. And my roommate goes, Hey man, how's it going? So we have the party, whatever. We leave.

We're in the car and he's like hey man you don't give me like a heads up that the guy had like a small hand oh wow oh yeah you know what i definitely should have oh really well here's why i should have because i don't want the guy with the hand to feel any weird thing like what if the guy went whoa you know what i'm saying yeah so i should have been like yo by the way you could shake some guy's hand. He's going to have a small hand. Let me ask you, though. The guy with the hands, was it his party or something?

No. But did you know you were going to see him there? How could you give him a heads up if you didn't know he was going to be there? Well, I saw him. You see him. Hey, buddy, just so you know, this guy's got the hands thing. Hey, man, he's got a small hand. Hey, how you doing?

It's just like, what does your other friend expect? Hey, man, don't jump, don't jump. You'll know what I mean when I say, hey, how's it going? How conscientious does he want you to be? That's ridiculous. Oh, shit, dude. Hey, man, keep it together. You'll know what I mean when you say, hey, how you doing?

Good to see you, Adam. All right. Adam, you know? Yeah, I don't remember if I knew he was going to do that. I think that's too much for him to expect. Yeah. If you're going to the guy's party

and like your friend that you're bringing has never met him, you'd be like, hey, just so you know, this is going on with this guy's hands. But like if you just see him

run into him, you don't have time to be like, hey, he's got this smile. What's up? Hey, how's it going? Oh, give us one second. Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't work. Hi, how's it going oh uh give us one second yeah yeah it doesn't work hi how's it going yeah it doesn't work doesn't work in real time you're right all right next what's up matt what's up chris big dog here oh it's big dog i forgot to mention completely in the first submission that i've talked to my girlfriend multiple times about her brother. And as much as it pisses me off, more importantly, it makes her so uncomfortable. And whenever she goes into a situation where she's going to be in one of these interactions, she just has terrible... So this was last episode? Oh, yeah. So this guy, Big Dog, this is a huge revelation.

It could have been two episodes ago. But he said that he has a problem with how much affection his fiancée or girlfriend or wife's brother, how much affection his brother shows her. Right? How much affection her own brother shows her. And we were like, well, is that their thing or whatever? Or like, have you talked to her about it? So he's clearing this up for us and saying, it makes her uncomfortable, which we did not know that.

We're not privy to that information. We didn't know that it made her uncomfortable. Which is something for sure, definitely tell us. You should, dude, look. Come on, big dog. You look like my friend from high school, Matt Hanna. And you should have told us this important detail, which is that your girlfriend also fucking hates it.

Yeah, look, big dog. Big dog. You don't come with us with a little bit of information. You want to be a big dog. You fucking hates it look big dog big dog you don't come with us with a little bit of information you want to be big dog you don't be though you come to a whole fucking you come with the fucking dossier a proper big dog would have told us the entire picture bring the dossier yeah all right yeah all right so anyway dossier goes for big dog yeah anxiety and doesn't know what to do and she was actually the one seeking advice and i kind of dropped the ball with my delivery

on the whole thing making it kind of seem like it was just whoa um but yeah definitely she's uncomfortable we're still seeking advice we got a little bit of an update uh not a full resolution yet but yesterday she went and talked to her dad yeah had the awkward conversation um just kind of seeking refuge in her dad uh saying what she feels how it makes her uncomfortable the things that she finds weird uh the dad completely took the brother's side and said that she shouldn't be feeling this way uh she needs to get more comfortable with it all because he loves her more than anybody else in the whole entire world. Made it a little weirder. On top of that, he pointed out that she is her brother's phone wallpaper. Bro.

Just a picture of her. It gets weirder and weirder as the days go on. Regardless, we're about two days away from Thanksgiving, and I think I'm going to have to just sack up and pull him to the sideline and give him a stern talking to. Because at this point, she's really expressing that it makes her really uncomfortable and she doesn't want to be in these situations. Regardless, I just wanted to clear that up a little bit. But love you guys. Between the last submission and this submission, I watched this special.

10 out of 10. Some of your best work yet. Thank you, bro. I'll call you next week with an update and we'll see what's going on. Dude, we would love. Life rips. submission i watched this special 10 out of 10 some of your best work yet thank you bro i'll call you next week with an update and we'll see what's going on dude we would love ribs yeah buddy we would love an update this is really interesting so it was like and at the end the dad wanted to give her a massage dude i don't it's it's twisted at this point if the dad is like you got to be okay with this little girly like little like little girly you gotta be okay with the how much the brother loves you that's how he's so demented little girly you gotta be okay with that's

basically what he said though dude no that is not cool man hold on hold on let's look at this from a different lens okay i agree it's very weird and it needs to stop okay but the father could just be what dude you know old timers and shit. They're like, I don't want there to be a problem. Look, just, just, it's your brother. Relax. You know what I'm saying? It's still bad, but he needs to respect how she feels.

But you know, old timers, bro, old timers are like, Hey, it's fine. How's the weather? You know, it could be a little of that. Okay. But if I'm, if I'm the dad and my daughter comes to me and says your son my brother is making me uncomfortable with how touchy-feely he is with me and like possessive he is of me yeah uh when i i see him it makes me uncomfortable the very first thing i do knock knock her out is no oh yeah is roundhouse sweep her legs so she falls

on her fucking ass and says never talk about family like that again no i would call him right and say hey man what's this i'm hearing like what what why are you making your sister uncomfortable what the fuck are you doing yeah or have him talk to you both yeah be like hey guys gather around what's going on here it's like it's like the thing about it is it's a physical, fucked up physical thing. Like, that is a no-no, dude. You can't be doing that shit. And it doesn't even matter if the—even if—I don't believe this, but even if she was being what one might call, like, oversensitive, that doesn't matter either. You're making someone uncomfortable.

You have to stop doing that. Right. For the dad to take the brother's side to me is fucking well here's the deal it's this is going to end up in a hulu documentary and you know it is it's going to end up in a hulu docu-series you know hulu docu-series then and somebody's going to die and it sucks and it's going to be like the family secrets and it's going all the way back down it's gonna have old old-time pictures of the dad you know what i mean and you're fucked so so just make sure you get a good deal from Hulu, basically, is what I'm saying.

Yeah. And if they make a movie, hopefully the guy from Reacher can play you. You know, that guy's pretty cool. Yeah, that guy's pretty big. You know, you look like him a little bit. But yeah, Big Dog's got to be Big Dog and Step. I'm sure you said something at Thanksgiving, so let us know how that went. Please let us know, dude.

Also, hilarious to curse out Big Dog. And have a fucking framed picture of a lion. Yeah, I think we know a lot about this guy at this point. And just by the way, bud, that's the worst picture you can have in your house. It's a really, really, really dumb thing to have framed on your wall in your home. And listen, buddy, it's all good. And even if it may not be framed, I don't know, I may have saw it wrong. Either way, it's the worst possible thing you can have. It's just really bad. And that's fine, Big Dog, buddy it's all good and even if it may not be framed i don't know i may have saw it wrong either way it's worth plus a thing so uh and that's fine big dog but uh it's

all good it's a lion dude just a lion like in shadows you know blacked out behind it just you know big dog hey it's big dog here big cat behind me anyway um he's into big fucking animals dude that's it yeah this is a fucking zebra in his kitchen there's a big zebra here it's all smelly and shit hey how crazy are zebras huh crazy that zebras are just like still doing that shit with the white and black stripes you know what's really crazy that's insane are super pigs yo dude you know about super pigs yes i do are you acting like i've been bringing this up every day no no i it's this is not what i that's that's not how i'm reacting and you'll understand once i explain it let the zebra thing breathe you know we talk about zebras for a little bit and you have the super pig thing

in the back of your head big animals and you bring it up a little bit later after we talk about the white and black of the zebra do white and black is he was pretty fucking crazy yeah it is crazy right yeah yeah that's all i wanted yeah all, now let's talk about super pigs. Super pigs, there's nothing in history. Do people, you want to explain first? It is more upsetting than a super pig. Anthony, look up super pig. Do you want to talk about what a super pig is? Do you know how you came across it?

It's not a superhero. Our uncle was talking about it. Of course he was. Yeah, because he's obsessed with like- Of course he was. Really vile- If there's a bigger animal that should be something, Uncle Mike will talk about it. If an animal dies, Uncle Mike will talk about uncle mike will talk about it if an animal dies uncle mike will talk about it if

anything about an animal pretty much uncle mike will talk about it so look at this canadian super pigs threatened to invade the u.s like guns and shit like they're a fucking terrorist group which which they are look at them dude they're so slow over the bears order yeah just call them a bear at that point they're fucking look how ugly they are yeah they look like jacked up steroided out regular pigs that already have rolled around in shit hilarious with the nbc news logo on it you know like it's an anchor um coming to you live from the pen uh look at these things yeah they're huge everybody gonna act like they've heard of super pigs before Nobody's heard of super pigs All you people listening right now watching right now

You've never heard of super pigs Thank me With a super pig No a super pig was my doctor And no when I was in rehab I was in They had these pigs that were on the actual place Fucking A.

And you'd see them, dude. And they would just be like... You walk into your fucking bunk late at night. And you just hear like... And you look and it'd be like... And dude, they were like this. They're called javelinas. Look up javelina.

Mr. Javelina. Mr. Javelina. You know Mr. Javelina? Anyway, I digress. I don't know what that is. So that's Della Funky H homo sapien but it's all good so the javelinas and the have-nots picaries dude the javelinas and the have-nots google something and then a whole other thing comes up that's pretty crazy huh that is that's what they had

yep these are scary too yeah but they're not as big but they're they're fucking scary nothing that bulbous should have those short little of legs oh god just pigs i mean it's no wonder why they don't pick all the ancient religions are like don't fuck with pork like they look demonic dude yeah they do actually you know you're right but so um fucking filthy animals old-timey movie no pulp fiction that's like literally the dialogue from what pig is a filthy animal No I know but Yeah you're a filthy animal

Like that's not Oh That's Home Alone Yeah okay Well you know exposing me But it's a movie clip It's a fake movie From an old movie

In a movie Oh it's a fake movie Yeah Is that a fake movie? It's a fake movie? That's a fake movie In Home Alone Hold on one second

Hold on Scott How do you know this? Yeah well that's crazy Oh he doesn't know it He doesn't even know that. He thought Gene Hackman died. Because I looked it up. He fucking thought Gene Hackman died.

He looked it up. He looked it up. When did you look this up? I believe that he looked it up. I believe that he looked it up, but that's crazy. It's called something... A super pig.

Tim Allen. Hold on. It's called... What is it called? Angels with even filthier... You just had it up. Anthony just had it up and he with even filthier souls. You just had it up. Anthony just had it up and he lost it. Trust me, Anthony had the wrong thing up.

Go ahead. That was Home Alone 2. Oh, dude, like Fletch 2? Oh, no, you're right. Look, scroll down. Be better at it. Be better at it. Scroll down.

Right there. The story behind Home Alone's fake gangster movie. Angels, not angles. Look at that. No, it's angels. Angels, that's what I said. Angels with filthy souls. Yeah, that's it's angels angels that's what i said oh okay filthy souls yeah that's it yeah nice okay and they shot stuff for that movie that is very cool to know that is cool and you did look it up and i you know i apologize thank you okay i apologize the first time in history thank

you you were right thank you super pigs again uh anyway uh yeah they have javelinas and they'd be like there was one time where i tried to stare one down you know that was a bad idea probably and it just goes and i fucking ran into it it didn't do shit except move a little bit and like but it's like so abrupt you don't stare down any animal i was you when you're out there and you're doing it you're doing all the self-reflective work you're thinking about the fuck and you're like dude i'm one with nature I'm gonna fuck this pig up okay well anyway I got scared it was me and Mike another it was I was with a fucking navy seal in rehab me and both of them we were all we ran away a navy seal ran away from a little

javelina yeah and he's killed people wow probably all right video. Hey, Chris and Matt. My name is Briley and I am 29 years old. I live in a really small town in Oklahoma and I am single. I want a husband one day. I want children one day. So I'm asking you guys for advice on how do I find that kind of person? Me living in a small town doesn't really offer me many options. And the closest big city to me is an hour and a half away.

So any wisdom or advice would be great. I will say I've tried the app thing. Hasn't really offered me too many options, again, with my distance from a nearest big city being an issue. But any help or advice you guys could give me, I would really appreciate it thanks okay can somebody get me water if all you if what you're looking for more than anything else is a family and like just to settle down if that's at the very top of your list

going on apps is not the right way to do it thanks dude unless it's like one of the what's the one that's been around forever that's like no no no not not the fuck one e-harmony plenty of fish like one like that where it's like it's specifically to find partners not fuck buddies right right on apps in general people are just trying to fuck or lie or some fucked up thing, right? But eHarmony is like an actual place where people meet and marry. So if that's what you want, go to different apps than the ones you're probably on. But also criteria you might want to be looking for more than anything else is someone who's already been married and maybe even already has a kid. Because they're not looking to like just fuck around and like hump and run they're like i did it i did it and it didn't work out but like i know

i learned my shit and i i i know what's i know what's what i don't want to fuck up again and i'm like i'm serious you know what i'm saying hump and run dude you don't want to hump it you don't want a guy who wants to hump and run. No, hump and run from Mattel. The worst toy. That would be in the 90s, you know what I mean? Oh, man. She humped. Boing, oing, oing, oing.

Hump and run. Hey. This one, where they go, and the dice go. Wow. What's that but i understand your emotion well oh okay yeah yeah those are cool huh i've been wrong but what do you think man honestly dude i i've we i feel like we've got this question before i dude you you does she have a kid no she's no no she would have said so just move i mean that was the i'll be honest that was the first thing i thought it's just like and that's drastic but it is drastic but damn you're you're you're in the middle of nowhere in oklahoma you're realizing it running up against the wall the options are

limited and you if it's what you want more than anything do you gotta you gotta you gotta get out of there i mean dude people live like up in northern alaska and shit it's like if you can't find somebody you gotta move yeah that's you can't live there if you want a family yeah you're not and everyone else is either married or she's already 29 too in in oklahoma they get married at like fucking you know 19 12 yeah no but for real though it's it's it's true that like i don't think that there's option you don't what you don't want to do is settle for some fuck just because he's close that's the worst possible thing just have uh kids yeah and then you just yeah you're dead you're basically dead

even though you're still only 29 years old. Wow. It's drastic. But yeah, move. Or move to the next. Move to, I don't know where you are in Oklahoma. Move 90 minutes away to the city you're talking about. There's Midland.

No, that's Texas. There's Mid-City. That's in Oklahoma. Mid-City, which is terrible. But at least it's a bigger city. There's Kansas all the way on the East Coast. That's too far. That's 2,000 miles to the East.

All right, next one. Yeah, move. You got him. You probably got him. Yo. Yo, I'm Thor. What's up? Oh, it's Thor.

Hey, I'm Chris Hemsworth. What's up? Hey, I definitely surf. What's up? What's up, Chris, man? Oh, we've seen this guy before, no? I don't know. I called in once before.

I was the guy that was like, I've been live. Oh, yeah, okay, and didn't ask you guys a question. Okay. Because I was just being goofy, dumbass. But I have a serious question this time. I don't think you guys have covered it. I live on Maui. I fly to Oahu all the time,

and I fly to the mainland to see my son. Oh. I'm 40 years old i i still get scared every fucking flight um especially on landing uh maui especially and oahu they're both very bumpy landings uh it's very windy here. I just can't get over it. I can't fucking get over it. Unless I'm drunk or something, but I don't drink anymore.

What do I do? Slappy Cakes, it says on his shirt. Here's what you do. A fake place in a movie, in an Adam Sandler movie. I work at Slappy Cake. No, a production company, Adam Sandler. Slappy Cake's Productions.

All you got to do is go read this book called Ask the Pilot by a pilot named Patrick Smith, and it will make you stay. Yeah. It's a book that is specifically about why you shouldn't be afraid to fly. Written by a pilot who's flown many, many, many flights. Yeah. You read it? No, but I'm not afraid of flying. But I know people who are, who read it and aren't anymore.

Really? Yeah. Did you just Google what it was? No, it was recently in text. I wanted to scroll back and find it. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Also, you can, like, I mean, if you have that bad of an anxiety Also you can Like I mean if you have That bad of an anxiety You can take a fucking pill While traveling I mean it's not Yeah and also You have a good reason for it

So you can Exactly Because you have a doctor That will give them to you Yeah And especially if you're Flying that often Like that is a valid reason

A doctor would write you A prescription I guess my question is If you're doing it all the time You don't get used to it Like I used to be Kind of scared And now I don't even

Think about it Because I go so much Yeah no I mean slappy cakes Get scared What are you going to do I don't think that We're going to be able of scared now i don't think about it because i go so much yeah no i mean slappy cakes get scared what are you gonna do i don't think that we're gonna be able to save slappy cake we need to enter the contest i mean that's the movie you know yeah well look i think that you're a giant pussy i think that's the solution no so stop being that i don't know it's that's tough though man it's tough it's weird to be exposed to something that much and not not have it quell the fear but sometimes people

just so mexican i said sometimes sometimes you know you just have to you know get up on the air dog dude be careful anthony's mexican sometimes be, dude. Anthony's Mexican. So then he gets it. Sometimes. Be careful, dude. I gotta make sure that you're flying in the air, dog. You know? Hey, dog. Look, man. What you have to

do, dog, is read the book. Hey, listen, man. You are scared of flying, man. I get it. Get the book. Ask the pilot, man. You are scared of flying, man. I get it. Get the book. Ask the pilot, man. And you read the book. And, man, it's a page.

And you get in the air, man. You'll be all right. Why is your Mexican voice someone under immense physical strain? Because they're lifting a refrigerator or something. Oh. You know, they're left in a refrigerator or something oh you know there's a reason so you're doing mexican mover

or movers yeah hey hey dog you scared of flying man yeah it's like that where you get the book called hasta para

so stupid man that's what you get it will kill you on it okay let's go get the hutch that's the kind

of voice that you would do and then not realize it. But by the time you're done, see spots. Yeah, you'd be hurting yourself. Yeah. One time I was doing ADR, which for people that don't know, it's like the background voices of movies. It actually was for my movie and I was simulating the sounds of having sex. And it was like a 90 minute cue.

And I was like- 90 minute cue? i was and i was like 90 minute cue 90 second oh yeah the whole movie the whole movie was called fucking 90 second cue and by the end i literally like my knee buckled i almost fell could you dude seeing that would be so funny yeah yeah was like, uh, uh, yeah, uh. Yeah, dude, it was... It was that, though. It was literally that. I'm going under! It was that, yeah. Dude, I was even thinking, I can't fucking pass out here. I can't pass out here.

So you were aware it was happening? No, only right at the end of the cue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happened so quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I was too in character, you know, because I'm like that as an actor. You were just in it.

You were in it. You had a full-fledged boner. Yeah. I was naked. Sounded engineers were just like, cut. Well, that's funny, dude. Yeah, almost passed out. Yeah.

And we're done. And just like that, the show's over. No. Yeah, almost passed out. Yeah. And we're done. And just like that, the show's over. No, I don't think so. I didn't... Sometimes I... I'm trying to think of how... I almost passed out once when I got my blood drawn. I got up and walked out of the hospital.

And as I was walking out of the hospital... Yeah, you got to be careful, yeah. I had to sit down. And if the chair wasn't there, I would have hit the the ground but i kind of sat and fell in the chair i only passed out truly passed out one time and it was when i had a really bad fever i made the mistake of thinking running to the toilet and forcing out my pee would be better because i'd be on my feet for less time wow that is such a dumb... Oh, I was 12. Yeah, okay.

So I did it, and in the middle of my pee, I just completely lost all consciousness. And the only thing that woke me up was the sound and feeling of my bottom row of my teeth hitting the rim of the toilet. Are you? If this is the rim of the toilet, it was just like...

And I bounced. You're lucky you didn't fuck your teeth out. Oh, dude, I remember that kind of... I'm so lucky, yeah. I kind of remember that. It woke so lucky i kind of remember that it woke me up though i didn't do that with one of these as you're running yeah but i mean this is the dumbest thing ever this couldn't have been dumber sit down i think about that shit man when you're like calvin the other day like he was on the what do you call it the um ottoman and he was jumping from the ottoman to the mattress that we had in the living room and he was jumping and then he wanted to try something where you know it was like this much distance between the ottoman and the yeah mattress he

wanted to travel where he just kind of like leaned and like fell off the ottoman like not jumping and he did it and his face hit the mattress which wasn't the thing that hurt but his back scorpion and like he was like oh my back and like he just didn't know that that was going to happen and that is like so something that a three-year-old like obviously we would be like oh you don't do that because you're going to scorpion yeah you know but he he i i watched it happen and i was no god oh god you. It's like that kind of shit. That shit I hate as a dad because it's like it's going to happen.

Yeah, you got to let him get hurt. I know. It's better even don't let him get hurt. Fuck him up a little bit first. You don't have to worry about it. Beat him? Yeah, just throw him down on the ground. I think that's bad.

Scorpion it. Here's a scorpion kid. No, I don't think so. I ground. Oh, yeah, I think that's bad. Scorpion it on purpose. Hey, here's a scorpion kid. No, I don't think so. I don't think that's right. And that's it. Well, you're the dad. Listen, look at this beautiful crew neck. You can get it at chrisley.com.

And you can also get it with the special chrisley.com. Grow or die. My new special, my fifth special, chrisley.com. But even more importantly. Well, even more importantly, I'll be in Reading tonight. And even more importantly, I'll be in Phoenix and also Sacramento and Brea and Oxnard and a bunch of different places, Albuquerque. Go to chrisley.com, Sacramento.

And that's the most important thing. And then something that's even less important is... No, it's even more important is the patreon.com slash life on luxury. That's also very... Go sign up for that. And something that's less important is... And evangelize that and spread the word. Yeah you're a bad fan that's true and then of course submit to my upcoming podcast the private record go to the private record.com

follow us on instagram and tiktok subscribe on youtube get all the updates yeah man and leave a submission thanks very much, man. Bye.