Lifeline - 87. Captain Based Rizz

Episode Date: December 10, 2023

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the show uh we it welcome it is 80 episode 87 of lifeline you know what's weird is um we're getting to be up there. It's going to be episode 100 soon. Yeah, in 13 episodes. And in episode 100, we get to have Jesus Christ on the episode. But Jesus Christ is coming back. But Jesus Christ is always kind of with us on these episodes, isn't he? He's always right over my shoulder.

You are missing out on the Lifeline Luxury Show, patreon.com slash lifeline luxury. That's Matt and I. No submissions, just him and I. Lifeline Luxury is a great show. We have a lot of fun doing it. Go sign up for Lifeline Luxury right now. And also get my special at streaming, Grow or Die.

It's available at chrislea.com. I will be in Phoenix and Oxnard and Sacramento and Brea and El Paso and Albuquerque. Go to ChrisLeah.com to get tickets. And that's that. And that is that. And guess what?

You got a good story? You want to tell the world about it? Submit yourself as a potential guest to my upcoming podcast coming out very, very soon now called private record go to the private record.com submit yourself there i thank you very much uh you got a question you want to submit yourself on this show uh do the thing in the description below or just go to watch lifeline.com uh you want a one-on-one advice session with me you get the best advice of your life totally change your life make it good for the rest of your life from now until you die go to mattalia.com and book that now you want some good merch you want the best merch go to lifeline merch.com dude you go like this you want to one on every time you say you want to one on you say

you want to one-on-one do you want to one-on-one it sounds like you're um do you want to one-on-one you're gonna get it puerto rican uh so anyway get uh thank god dude that we had anthony honestly no yeah getting here yeah and why don't you tell him okay well we were getting here you so he texted me on the way here and you. Us. Yeah. The show. Together. Yeah. Hey, the lot that we usually use is, you can't use it. It's closed off. It's private. It rented private today.

Yeah. So you're going to want to park somewhere else. And I'm just like really grateful that he kind of was able to tell us that. Because, you know know you go through the situations for those of you that don't know anthony is you know he's one of the producers over there but you know you go through the situation in your head it's like say i didn't anthony didn't tell me that right i show up i see the lots full that i usually park at i'm i'm like what the fuck okay what do i all right so all right um you know i'm

discombobulated i mean i know what i probably would have done if i wasn't warned ahead of time but but you go like this oh god oh and maybe you you gotta pull over you gotta start thinking about another lot where is it yeah what do i how do i get there yeah and then and then you go all right well i guess i'll start looking and then you know that could take a you know a few minutes and then you you just get completely turned around and the good thing about uh that that happened was anthony gave us ahead of time told us ahead of time so when we got there we already knew okay this lot is going to be full. Be prepared to look for another lot right away. You know what I like the most about it, though, is that he didn't give us options for other ones.

So he basically didn't need to do that in any way because not only would we have found out on our own, but we would have had to also on our own without his help find out where would be a good place to park. Now, if I wasn't warned ahead of time like he did, I would have gotten there, realized it was closed, had to also on our own without his help find out where would be a good place to park right now if i wasn't warned ahead of time like he did i would have gotten there realized it was close cried parked called my mommy right and tried to figure out what the heck on earth i'm gonna do now yeah do you want to know why i told you guys yeah sure it's a one-way street so if you turn down that

street then you have to go like all the way around, you know? Interesting. And he's just being considerate. Just being considerate. Yeah, but it's like you needed to... Where did you park though? Like just telling us isn't enough, you know? Yeah.

Where did you park, number one? But number two, I just feel really badly that nobody gave you a heads up when you got here. When you got there, you probably go like this. Oh, oh, oh. And then you were like, know i'm saying it pays to be first yeah so thank you so much for telling us that and and saving us really the high cost of being the first one yeah um and uh i have news for you matt remember when i was so late to the show yeah like an hour more you were

two hours late dude yes you were late okay well more yeah i was an hour and a half late you're right um i got here in less than 40 minutes today and you said no i i know i know exactly what i said it was the correct thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is that if we start at the right time... No, I understand. You will not hit the same traffic. You did say that. But you also said it always takes at least 40 minutes to get here from where I am.

And it didn't this time. How many minutes did it take? Probably like 38. That's 40, dude. That's basically 40. It's close enough. But now I woke up this morning and okay so i woke up last morning yesterday morning and i was great to go i was good to go and i was like

let's do this took calvin to school and on the way to school calvin said barbie barbie uh drives a pink car just out of the blue we had a conversation about that dropped them off and went about did my day okay then uh today i woke up didn't want to wake up i don't like that hey body what's going on well what is going on well not much is going on just i didn't do anything crazy slept fine why did that happen and jesus christ give me the answer well he's right over my shoulder if you want to see but i don't understand dude one day i wake up one day i wake up and it's good and then one day i wake up and it's bad i don't understand it either the last today so my version is yeah the previous two days before today previously on waking up i felt like such doggy crap.

Yesterday. And the day before. Previously, both days on Waking Up. Okay. What is that? I know that's Dennis Haysburg, but what's Waking Up? Well, no, ABC does it. It's not Dennis Haysburg.

It's not? No. Previously on Lost. It's just the guy for ABC. Okay. Okay. So now that we got that, don't stick me up for that. Okay.

So go ahead. Today, I was like, last night, in uh today i was like last night in fact i was like oh no another morning is coming soon i'm gonna feel terrible because that's i guess what i do now in the morning and i don't know what i'm gonna do woke up today felt great waited to feel terrible because it doesn't come right away which is the weirdest part oh yeah is it depression or what is it is it physical no no the moment i wake up i get slammed with a mac truck of depression and anxiety oh so that's the first thing okay me too dude should the air be off or what no it's fine 40 no that's good okay 40 minutes later or so i start to like my body gets like so hot.

You know what? One of you probably knows what's going on with that. Why does that happen to me sometimes? Sometimes I wake up, feel fine. Oh, man, we're going to get so much wrong information. And then like 45 minutes, maybe an hour later, my body's just like on fire. Oh, my God. We're going to get so much wrong comments.

I mean, all right, but maybe there's going to be a little one. You know what it is? The sun, the position of the sun. If you're going to be really wrong with the thing you say, don't write it in wrong comments. I mean, all right, but maybe there's going to be a little... You know what it is, the position of the sun. If you're going to be really wrong with the thing you say, don't write it in the comments. People don't think they're wrong.

I know, but think about it first. If you actually are wrong, don't write it. If you're right... Here's a reno. Oh, that's terrible. If you're right,

continue to do it and flag me. Say, hey, Matt, here's what's going on with your body. Fix it. I'll marry you. Wait, what? I'll marry the person that gets it right. Oh your body. Fix it. I'll marry you. Wait, what?

I'll marry the person that gets it right. Oh, you'll marry you. I'll marry the person that gets it right. Okay, I got you. I got it. So anyway, so I woke up this morning. I took a shower last night. I woke up this morning, did not take a shower and put my contacts in. My contacts are blurry. They've been blurry since the jump. Yes, dude. So that's great. Things are going really great today. Tired and my contacts are all jizzed up in my eye.

Ew. Why don't you wear glasses when that happens? Because then what? Just take my contacts out? Just take them out? Because sometimes they settle and it's nice. Oh, okay. But I wore glasses the other day anyway and I'm like a one day a week or even more glasses guy. That's interesting.

Yeah, I'm interesting, dude. Are we talking about... So here's the thing, dude. We're talking about interesting things and some people might be thing, dude. We're talking about interesting things. And some people might be like, well, you're just talking about how you woke up yesterday and you woke up today. And then your brother said you woke up yesterday. He woke up today. Dude, it's interesting.

And we're interesting. And I won't have it any other way. And I don't want to talk about. So here's the thing, man. I've been watching TV shows on Netflix and on Hulu and stuff. Other people might think they're boring and i don't dude oh and and and and it's fine what is this turning into uh you're an advertisement for shows no okay well what do you mean you're saying those shows are

interesting yeah yeah and david sullivan when he comes over and he watches them my friend who those of you don't know him which you shouldn't okay don't want you to know who he is yeah but he's an actor and he says i have awful watch history on netflix because when we look at or hulu or it's it's awful stuff and it's not awful stuff david sullivan is first of all not someone to be talking about someone else he always wants to watch really good movies i don't like people who always want to watch really good movies what's a real name a really good he would like if i was like let's watch killers of flower moon he'd be like oh man i'm all in okay and i'm like dude let's just watch some dumb shit like there's a show on netflix now that's uh about you know people who do makeup for special

effects and i watch it oh my god how dude? Well, it's a competition show. Is that yourself? Yeah. And it's interesting to me. And the characters are fine. I mean, that's cool that you have interests. I watch Supernatural a little bit. This show that ran for like 28 years?

Yeah. Why do you watch that? It's very bad. So then why do you watch it? I know it's bad. Because, I don't know sam and dean are interesting characters and they don't dean is the kind of guy that's 13 year old girl no a 13 year old girl in ottawa that's such dude first of all how much did that show shoot

for 28 seasons in vancouver it did it did it was it was in vancouver yeah okay and it's very bad anyway we could go to submissions, but I just... Supernatural's a very bad show, and two people I'm close with love that show, and I tell them how bad it is, and I will still watch it.

But you like it. No. Oh. Well, no. I don't know. Okay. It's bad. Oh, speaking of bad things

that I haven't laughed at a movie, I can't believe this is true. You're not even going to believe me. Okay. Murder Mystery 2. What's that? Oh, the Adam Sandler one? Yes.

I laughed for about five to six minutes. I missed a whole chunk of the movie because I was laughing so hard. Because of one part? One part of the movie. Really? Yeah, dude. Okay, I'll watch it.

Don't ruin it. I won't. Okay. And if you know what it is, put it in the comments, but you won't. Dude, I was dying. I couldn't breathe.

Do you think it's the part that's the funniest part that people would say is the funniest part or something weird to you? Okay. What happened was, there's one section that's actually kind of good and funny and clever. Okay. And it's a joke that's made right after that. So I was primed. I was ready to, I was ready to burst.

That's good. That's good. And then there was a really funny joke right after that in the next scene that it just, I died. Now let's get into it. Why on earth were you watching Murder Mystery 2? Well, there's someone very, very dear to me who loves Adam Sandler. Okay.

And we watched the first one together, Murder Mystery. Okay. And I didn't laugh once. I was like this all the time. Yeah. Right. And that was me for the first like 12 minutes. This time I was like this

so my question still stands why did you watch the second one then because i care about people okay you gotta love people all right in this life you gotta love people sure and i love people and this was a person i love okay and it made it worthwhile all right and then it turned out to be great because i laughed my flippity flarkity ass off That's a children's book. And it's really good? It actually is way better. It's like Terminator. Well, I mean, Terminator 1's good.

Murder Mystery's awful. Murder Mystery 2's really bad, but fun. The two sequels that are better than the originals are Terminator 2 and Murder Mystery 2. So there you go. And also Godfather, right? T2 is better than Terminator. Let's do 2. So there you go. Okay. All right, cool. You're right. And also Godfather, right? T2 is better than Terminator. No, no, no.

Godfather 1 is better. All right. Let's do it. Let's do a submission. Hi, Matt and Chris. I'm going to make this short because my phone's an asshole. But anyway, am I an asshole for allowing my dog to pretty much steal people's balls off their yards? Long story short, when we go on walks

if he walks by and he sees like a basketball a tennis ball a volleyball he will pick it up and he will take it and he will walk his home and he's so proud of it and it makes me laugh and it makes me happy but am i influencing like bad klepto behavior with my dog should i not let him do this um because i feel bad but it's also fucking the cutest thing in the world you know seeing a dog carry a basketball it's impressive so yeah am i an asshole for letting him do this um i don't know was that short she said keep i'll keep it short that was really short okay that was like 20 seconds fair enough oh i'm a short police that's all she uh uh okay um this is what i think about that i don't think you're an asshole well that's not the right word even if you are doing something wrong you're not an asshole well no but you know asshole i you know she's using it loose

loose loosely maybe but she's being a loose asshole she's no i think that she if you have a if you look dude if if i don't know what neighborhood she's in but you got anything on your front lawn it's gone you got to just be prepared to lose i agree with that right it's like totally agree with that it's like what are you doing keeping who's leaving yeah come on what are you people doing well it's it's a ball so they probably don't care so then there you go but it's not it's i wouldn't say it's up for grabs for you and your dog but the person in the house has to understand if i leave something out on my front lawn and somebody takes it i'm not going to be like what the heck is going on or call the cops this is just kind of like that's for everyone right but also i think you could i don't see or rather I don't see why you Can't

Put it Back Yeah yeah Well that's the thing I don't get is Let your dog take it Yeah And then bring your

You know let your dog In the house Yeah Then go Obviously if he brings The basketball inside the house Yeah Bring it back to the person

The lawn it was on Also am I Wrong here What dog Can carry a basketball Some dogs can Really Grip it And they're just like.

Really? Yeah. Prancing around with the thing on. Look up a YouTube. Foreign. Foreign. Look up a YouTube dog carrying a basketball. Because that sounds crazy to me.

It has to be a. No, it's not always a big dog. Come on. It's not always a big dog. Maybe she's talking about one of those little basketballs then. There's no way a big dog. Come on. It's not always a big dog. Maybe you should talk about one of those little basketballs then. There's no way a regular basketball. There's going to be thousands of dogs with basketballs in this map. Let's look.

Dog carrying a basketball. I don't see one. I see not one. It's all baskets. We're going to get like Air Bud type shit. Air Bud, you know? Yeah, baskets. They're all carrying baskets.

He probably honestly typed in baskets. And I'm pissed. I typed in basketball. For her. Oh, yeah, you're right. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, well, I guess, you know what?

I guess you are correct. She's honestly lying? We found a liar. Why is it all basketball? It pisses me off, dude. A basketball is this big, dude. Look at how big a basketball is. Look, he's pulling up just air balls. There we go, there we go. Okay, okay, what's that one? The black one. It's this big, dude. Look at how big a basketball is. Look, he's pulling up just air balls.

There we go. There we go. Okay. Okay. What's that one? That black one? It's deflated, though. Yeah.

Okay. Scroll up. There's another one that you didn't click on that I'm pissed about. There it is. That's a mini one. That's a small one. You're right. Yeah.

When you're right, you're right. So maybe she means a mini one. Okay. Fine. Because there's no way, bro. Maybe she doesn't know what a basketball is. You literally just made up something in your head that never happened. Dude, maybe she doesn't know what a basketball is.

Maybe she thinks like a beach ball is a basketball There's one, that's a real basketball That's deflated, it's deflated Maybe it was deflated Also, it's bothering me how much you're hung up on this Well, because I'm a stickler I'm a stickler for story points You are and it bothers me because it doesn't matter at all

Color the right picture, color the right correct picture Especially when you're going to do a submission on Lifeline So no, you're not an asshole But like right, correct picture, especially when you're going to do a submission on Lifeline. So no, you're not an asshole, but it is kind of weird if you're just so into... If you're so lackadaisical on not giving the ball back. Put it back. Yeah.

Put it back. You're not an asshole. You're a lazy fuck if you don't put it back. I guess, yeah. I mean, if you're going to far walk and you you don't put it back. I guess, yeah. I mean, if you go on a far walk and you don't put it back. Here's the thing. If I happen... We're done with this submission. It's not the same thing.

But if I forget to take a crap bag, and it doesn't matter how far the poop is, I always get home, get a bag, go back to the place that the dog took the crap. Really? Put the crap in the bag and throw it away. Yeah, dude. Why? Because I don't want shit to be in my neighborhood, just like on the sidewalk. Oh, when I walk by my neighborhood and I see shit, I don't care.

Even a little bit. Well, honestly, it's because of people like you that the world's going to shit. Is the reality of the situation. I don't, if my dog shits, I'd pick it up if I had a bag. Yeah. But if I didn't, I would be like, oh, I guess that's for the earth. If it's in the middle of like a whole bunch of stuff where nobody's ever walking, that's different. I mean, I'm not going to fucking outside J.Crew and being like, go ahead, take a fucking diarrhea shit.

Come on. Come on, Sam. Some people might. Just out in the mall? Just in fucking Hollywood and Highland? Next to Spider-Man? Dude, I used to live in an apartment building. People would let their dogs take shits

in common areas and not pick it up. All right, well, that's... That's not okay. People do that. I'm just saying. I would not do that, okay? Okay, yeah. Okay.

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What's going on, guys? Jordan from Fort Worth. I got a bit of a dilemma. So I'm a healthcare worker. We do three 12-hour shifts. I come in at 7 a.m. It's cold in Texas. I'm wearing a little hoodie.

I put it over the back of the chair. I go do my stuff. You get report from your night shift person, and you go do all your work. So I go do all my stuff. My jacket's on the chair all day. Nobody touches it. There's only three or four of us in our department. Everybody's out doing stuff most of the day.

Where's this going? I come back to the department at about 645, and there's a guy sitting on it. This guy is like one of those, wears the same scrubs every shift, wears a little headband or bandana thing every shift, drinks five Pepsis, dude. I mean, just, like, it's just coming out of his pores. Oh. And so he's sitting on my jacket, dude. Yeah.

And he's sitting on the hoodie part specifically because it's like lamped over the chair like he sat down on it and kind of like slid down so he's sitting full on it and i was i like walked by and made a comment i was like oh there's my jacket and he didn't move and i said it loud enough for you to hear me and then i kind of tugged at it and he didn't move i was like was he he dead? So then I pulled it out and he was like, and lo and behold, dude,

smells like absolute shit. Nice. So question is, do I burn it? Do I send him a request? No. Has this guy ever heard of a laundry what do i do it's a jacket though you know you have to get it i thought he said it was a little hoodie

i think he said it's a jacket with a hoodie i think that's what he's saying get a dry clean yeah i would i would get it dry cleaned i mean i mean how bad could it how bad i mean i don't look i'm not calling that some people are stinky bro There's so much That it lingers For like days On a piece of clothing I mean I don't know There is perfume like that

But you know Have you ever Like dude I had this vest I used to like to wear All the time God I saw this This chick out That I kind of knew

And she's like Hey what's up She gave me a hug bro That vest I for years I had to throw it away I had to throw it away For years it smelled like perfume That's perfume But you know If perfume can do that Fucking if the guy smells like a hug bro that vest i for years i had to throw it away i had to throw it away it was for years

it smelled like perfume that's perfume but you know if perfume can do that fucking if the guy smells like bo fat fucking drinking pepsi all the time you know just fucking and also not moving here's the rule you can be as slovenly gross ugly unappealing unattractive as you want don't be ugly you can be no you absolutely can be now if i was but you can't terrorize i'd pass the handsome the senses of those around you meaning you can't smell like shit dude if you fire someone because they smell bad you can get sued. You're fired. You get sued.

Yeah, I believe that. Yeah. So you got to pretend you don't know what they smell like. And everyone's like, oh, I don't know. But I'm so good at work. And you're like, yeah, I know your work was great. I don't know. It's just what's up.

You're just like that? I have no idea. People are just like choking behind you. Yeah, dude. Smell is killer, dude. Smell will put me in a bad mood just like i'll be in a great mood there'll be garbage in the room i'm just fucking furious all the time ruins your mood dude yeah that it ruins moods period you should get one of those fucking what are the the medieval

times with the the nose the nose yes with the with the it's the black plague mask yeah but you just put a car freshener under it this that's the but we talked about this that's what black for you put this stuff on with rose water yeah but that okay i know so why are you on a car freshener that would give you such a headache dude i know but you know what is um that show that i watched with the special effects makeup they did make up with the with the dick nose. What do you mean they did make up with the dick nose? One of the guys did make up for the Black Plague, and it was a guy who had a big nose. He put the incense in the nose.

Speaking of noses, do you want to see the thing I put in my nose so that I can breathe better? Does the world want to see? I bet the people, the viewers probably do, but it's pretty stupid, honestly. Well, you know what? I'm always the real me. Oh, never mind.

This is actually cool. I thought this was, I thought it was the Tic Tac thing. No. This is made for that? Dude, I can't tell you how much it's changed my life. It makes my life so much better. Do you have an extra one? I have many, many, many different sizes.

Can you bring one for me next time? You were just going to make fun of it and then. I'm making fun of how it looks. I want to know how it feels. Well, I'm super comfortable and I. Can you look at me? Yeah. You look ridiculous.

Don't care. Don't care. I feel great. That's fine. So that is for making your nostrils open to breathe? A hundred percent. So that is for making your nostrils open to breathe? 100%. And why? I had a headache since I took it out when we started the show

because I was not breathing enough, and it was starting to give me a headache right here above my eye. Okay. I just put it in. I bet you the headache's gone by the end of that. I thought you were going to say the headache's gone already, and if you did that, I would have never trusted anything you said. Yeah, that would have been a lie.

But you know what you would have been? A girlfriend. That's what a girlfriend would say. Oh, wow. When my headache was there, I'd put it in. Instantly, it's gone. It's deeper. So anyway.

But it's true. You know it. You know it. You know that's something that a girlfriend says. Not a woman. Somebody who has a boyfriend says that. Steeper. No.

Come on, dude. Chicks get dudes, and then they end up saying shit like that. Chicks get dudes. What about when they get married? Steeper. No, come on, dude. Chicks get dudes and then they end up saying shit like that. Chicks get dudes. What about when they get married? Yeah, same. So not girlfriends.

You're talking about every woman. Any woman. A single woman would just be like out partying and getting drunk and shit. You're painting

with a big brush, dude. Well, I paint with big brushes. So let's do another submission. Bob Ross. Hey, Chris and Matt. This is Molly from Minnesota. Hey, Molly. Chris, I was at your show in Minneapolis for the Taping River Special.

Awesome. I'm so grateful I was able to be there for that experience. Oh, thank you. And Matt, you're awesome. Wish I could be your friend. You are. So this is Freddie. And my question for you guys is, can a dog sleep in your bed?

My fiance thinks absolutely not. He should be kenneled at night because Freddie moves around a lot and takes up a lot of space and readjusts. But I travel a lot for work. And so I don't get to see Freddie all the time. And I really like my nightly snugs with my dog. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on should a dog sleep in your bed thanks guys love you i mean i get i love you too i feel so strongly about this book i get it i get why you wouldn't want to because you want to uh if you're training your dog and you want to start with that you know so he doesn't pee in the bed and shit like that well yeah you know i understand i don't care about the dog but my dog's sleeping in my bed sometimes but i I think that if, you know, does it wake me up?

Maybe every now and then. But it sucks if it keeps waking him up. Maybe he's just being difficult. He's being difficult. But you feel strongly about this? I feel very strongly about this. If you are like that, if the way her fiance is, like no dogs in the bed period, there's like you need help you need help

you think because that is such like like go to bed what just go to bed there's just a thing in the bed too what do you care what why are you acting like you've never heard worse before so all of a sudden he's got a lobotomy uh what do you think then just let like it's first of all it's it's fun having yeah cute ass dog well yeah but he doesn't think so so i know that yeah so like okay if that's not the case if you don't think it's fun god anthony told us about at least be indifferent about it who cares dude also it makes your fiance happy like yeah it if even if you hate it how much could you possibly hate it more than it makes your fiance happy yeah dude like you need help that's what i'm saying dude and he gets so tired he's just like

but he's fucking wakes up yeah it just snaps back away because he's too angry yeah yeah like this guy needs help dude i don't know dude i think i love i like dogs a lot it's not even really about is it a big dog was a big dog i didn't see it was a pretty big dog it was like it looked like a doodle which looked mad cute just somebody drew it you mean dude i think i think it's a picture it's a drawing of a dog everyone's crazy in there uh shout out to honestly i you know what's i love the name molly dude and that's an underrated name for a for a woman but you don't meet too many molly's no you don't check this out dude love the name freddie molly and the dog freddie that's cool wonder what the fiance's name is anyway molly's a cool name do you agree you don't like it I don't dislike it

I just never thought wow I love that every time I hear Molly I'm like oh yeah that's for fresh I never really heard of Molly I don't really meet Molly's you know

anyway I like the name Zandro that's not a name really no no it's not I just made it up any name is a name but Zandro's not

I mean Zandro's a name with an X yeah yeah hey dude losing your mind losing your mind dude the heat the heat dude here's what's dumb this okay i agree this is so stupid i don't like that either why would you i didn't know it was gonna be like that so why did you show it off then like it's like that's the feature of the shoe and it's stupid i didn't know it was going to be like that so why did you show it off then like it's like that's the feature of the shoe and it's stupid i didn't know it was gonna i didn't know

that that was gonna be when you took it off your foot you knew yes i already knew because i have this shoe but before that i also didn't know this has two things back here that's kind of stupid are those hiking shoes what's that are those hiking shoes what the fuck did you just say to me are those solomon solomon yeah yeah those are hiking shoes. Yeah, bro. Oh, all right. Oh. Now what? I'm just saying you're wearing cleats.

Bro, these are cleats, dude. They're cool shoes, dude. They're not. It's not like you're going hiking. They're very not cool, dude. Like the shiny silver on it. So everyone's out to assassinate me today. Anthony likes them. No, he says I'm on a hike. He just said silver on it. So everyone's out to assassinate me today. Anthony likes them. No, he says I'm on a hike.

He just said he likes them. I have black ones. Okay, well, why are you dogging them then? I'm just saying. They're for hiking. Oh, he's just saying. Oh, it's like the parking lot thing. He's just saying.

Dude, do you wear them? Not if I'm not on a hike. Oh, that's his point. See, that's not right. That's not right. That's not right. What's not his point that's see that's not where's the hiking that's not right that's not right what's not right it's not right to don't wear them hiking i i wear them whenever i want and they're not you know what i don't i'm we're actually off this topic yeah oh dude i can't wait to be off but i'm just saying like this completely derailed i wanted to show

you the heat and everyone's fucking they're sucky, though, dude. They're not sucky, and everyone's coming at my throat. Dude, that's not... I don't have those, bro. Those are sick, dude. I don't have actual cleats on, bro. Look how sick those are, though. This is misinformation. No, you don't have those. Those are dope, though.

Those are dope for hiking. You should have those and not the ones you have. If I wore those doing a podcast, I'd be a fucking piece of dog shit those are ill but for hike look at the white and purple ones though just coming in on this floor just those are dope too how dumb are golfers when they're when they're done golfing and they come in for a drink and shit and they're just like look at the hyper blue. Dude, honestly,

there's no worse feeling than walking around on a regular floor with cleats on. I hate it, dude. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Really? Yeah. I hate it.

That's why when I'm in, when I have cleats on, I'm in a room. I just fly everywhere. I do not walk on the ground. Cause you're saying you hover. You're not touching the ground. That's not true.

Contacts are still blurry. When I want to go to? You're not touching the ground. That's not true. Contacts are still blurry. Like when I want to go to the bathroom, I go like this. That's the dumbest thing that has ever been said on this podcast. When I go to the bathroom, I go. That's another submission.

When I was young, I watched David Copperfield fly. It's going to end in tears. And then afterwards, I tried to fly just like David Copperfield had done and I couldn't, obviously, and I cried. Oh, wow. It gonna end in tears and then afterwards yeah uh i tried to fly just like david copperfield had done and i couldn't obviously and i cried okay oh wow it did end in tears we've seen this guy before right beautiful eyes beautiful eyes here with the green green ish eyes uh by the way chris uh our lord has been exiled so i'm really happy to say

that and announce it to the world uh but on to my question what do you guys think about gen z slang i unfortunately work with a lot of young people and they say shit like that's so made and announce it to the world. But on to my question, what do you guys think about Gen Z slang? I unfortunately work with a lot of young people and they say shit like, that's so mid or, oh my God, I'm literally dying right now. That's fire. I even catch myself saying these things sometimes just because they rub off on me inadvertently.

And I just, I cringe every time. So what do you guys do in these situations? Does it even bother you guys? Is it inevitable or am I just becoming, you know, a grumpy old man? Also, side note, how sub-bitch is it when you're riding a bus

and you get up to let an old lady sit down, but she's like, nah, I'm good. You can't just sit back down again. So you just kind of sit there and stare out the window. I'll tell you what's sub-bitch about being on a bus. When you have to stand and the bus is stomping and moving. That's the most bitch. It's not how sub-bitch it is. It's the bitch about being on a bus When you have to stand and the bus is like stomping That's the most bitch

It's also not It's not how bitch it is, it's how bitch it is Look dude, like this Trying to hold on Alright I'm an NPC jerking a guy off Alright, so What did he say?

Yeah, I think You gotta Look, slang is just going to keep slanging. We hate it. Language changes. It's fine. Yeah. If you want to do it, own it a hundred percent. Yeah.

You can't be like, dude, that's fire. Be a 40 year old and be like, that is absolute lit. That is fire. Yolo. You know what I'm saying lit. That is fire YOLO. You know what I'm saying? YOLO is not a one anymore. But if you just be like, yo, dude, that is so... Oh, that's mid, dude.

Oh, dude. That... You know, you don't like these shoes? Those shoes are mid. What is mid? It means not good. Oh. Like, not terrible, but it's okay.

Like, middle. What is is base the based means that's true oh true true yeah oh okay it's i know doesn't it sound like it's a negative thing yeah i know i thought that too when i first found out first i heard about it based is good it based is good yeah okay like if i go if i go yo dude check me out. And someone's like, based. They like me. Based. Yep. Based. What is Riz? Riz is like charisma. So that's me. No, it's like you can Riz a girl. You can Riz a girl.

So I'm based Riz. I'm just basically based Riz. No, cap. Even with this thing. I'm cap. Cap based Riz? No, no, no. Cap.

When you say that, cap. I'm captain based Riz. No, no, no. It's not captain. Say you're based you're based no say i'm based i'm based uh cap riz no no captain based riz no that's me that is literally who i am i mean that'll be the episode the title episode and we're so trying to get clicks you know captain base rib rig what it wow captain based r Wow. All right. Come on down to Captain based Riz.

Hey, we got to talk to Captain based Riz. Wow, you finally said it once right. He's a dude. Hey, dude. He's like one of the TikTok guys with the fucking, you know, the stupid haircut that they have, all the TikTok people. Dude, how about. Hey, what's up, man? I'm the captain.

How about the young guys with hair that's like this? It's terrible. That's what I'm talking about. It's like their head is a skate park. That's what I'm talking about. That's the worst hair, dude's terrible that's what i'm talking about it's like their head is a skate park that's what i'm talking about that's the worst hair but that's what i'm talking about and now you're acting like you and i talk about it too because you're saying how about like we weren't already talking about this isn't right it's like this you just put two hands up but it's not in the front it's the sides like a bell their head is a skate park yeah it's it's congrats guys

your head skate park we're all talking about the same thing and it's absolutely it bothers you terrible so much me when somebody says something similar to what you said yeah no but they're not nobody's negating what you said they're like agreeing with that's not it though it's when you try to say it like it's something that we haven't been talking about but that that is your own you're making up that part because how could like you just said it well how could you assume that i'm like he didn't say that now i'm making it up and saying like that's not a thing anyone does cap riz dude you know what cap is right no it's a lie cap is a lie cap you're lying and if i say dude i had the best burger

last night no cap that means i'm telling the truth about the burger right no lie okay okay i'm captain based riz no not captain based riz i'm captain based riz dude that's all there is captain riz on base yeah all right all right next one what's up matt Matt and Chris? Second time following. I appreciate you taking my call the first time. Got a quick one for you. Being a groomsman in a wedding, I think it sucks to do.

Oh, yeah. It's so much with the tux and the bachelor party. It's the worst. It's a lot. I hate doing it so much. I've done it like three times. So popular. I wish I had the balls to say no thank lot. I hate doing it so much. I've done it like three times. So popular. I have the balls to say no thank you.

I'm so awesome though. That's the thing. But my bad purse for that. Are you allowed to say no? If you can. Got any tips on how to do it? Here's the deal. You can't really.

No, no, no, no. You cannot say no to that. You can't. But here's the deal, though. If you're a good guy, what you do is you get your – if I want to get married, I don't – groomsmen, it sucks. I pick all my enemies to be my groomsmen. So they have to do it and they don't want to. Yeah. When I got married, I asked – he was still alive.

I asked Osama bin Laden to be one of my groomsmen. And it sucked for him and it was great because I admonished him. My groomsmen were, and we had Osama on double duty because I had Osama bin Laden on my wedding. Both weddings. Both weddings. In the pictures. Hitler. Bill Gates because he was trying to make a one world bank.

So just a world class idiot what you just said. And I don't even like Bill Gates. He's trying to inject people with trackers. A one world bank. He's trying to make a one world bank. People with trackers. Joe Biden because he's a lizard. Okay.

Joe Biden because he's a lizard and a hologram. Alex Jones. And a bunch of frogs because they turn to water gay. Wow. I don't even know that one. That's a one. Frogs turn water gay? That's what Alex Jones said.

Frogs turn the water straight? Oh, water turns frogs gay. Oh, wow. That's so confusing. Sorry, my bad. Frogs turn the water gay. Wow. My wedding, all the groomsmen were in ISIS.

No, go ahead. A whole brigade of ISIS. I would like to give a speech. There's somebody behind him like this. Here, Maddie's getting married. I never knew him, but... Just... Terrible.

Just beheading someone. Terrible. Okay, go. Mom's just like this. Oh. It's nice though you should ask nick marquand but it was what an idiot well you said something no one even said anything and you said what you were gonna say something you got mad when i said the isis thing because you were gonna say no no i

was joking that was a joke okay jokes on you all right well no you're not a bad person dude you're just a popular guy your salute you should be meaner to people so they don't ask you to be in their weddings when someone you when you know someone just okay when someone proposed a friend of yours proposes to their soon-to-be wife oh wow that's funny you start being an outrageous asshole to them and then once they've picked their wedding party you're super nice again then you don't have to be in the wedding party it's so funny to be this guy this is like the third time to do it again like to think it's gonna happen again and everybody's like dude i sort of mind me for him to look at the text and be like this right because he's tired of being an asshole yeah because he's such a good guy deep down. Yeah. Also, maybe look less like you listen to the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy stuff.

And that's just a note for your personal life. Is it Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? That's the name of the... Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. That's it? Is that right? No. Big Bad Voodoo Daddies is a band.

Is that right, Chris? I already know it's right. I don't... Ask me if it's right. Is it right, Chris? Yeah, that's right. Who's the one that goes, Zoot Zoot Ryan! Come on! Is that them? I like that shit's right. I don't... Ask me if it's right. Is it right, Chris? Yeah, that's right. Who's the one that goes, Zoot, Zoot, Ryan!

Come on! Is that them? I like that shit, dude. Yeah. I like that shit. It's nice. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. That's what I said.

Not daddies. Yeah, see, I knew something was fishy. No, no, no, no. It's the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. No. No, see? I knew something was fishy about what you said. Oh, that sucks, bro.

It was so close, though. For like 20 years, I didn't know. You did what mom does. I did. You added an S. I did. I didn't know it was fucking 20 years. It should be daddies, though.

The big, bad voodoo daddies. It should be the big, bad voodoo daddies. It should be. Yeah. Look at those. Look at all of them. Look at all those daddies. Do they sing Zoot Zoot Riot?

There's too many people on that band. No, that would be the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Right. The Cherry Poppin' Daddies. See, that's what I was doing. Case would be the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. The Cherry Poppin' Daddies. That's what I was doing. The Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Zoot, Zoot, Riot, come on. I'm in a bag of bottle of beer.

Zoot, Zoot, Riot, come on. Which one? They do the You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? That's them? Yeah. Okay, they're cool too. You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight.

Yeah. Imagine counting yourself with a bottle. That's them? Yeah. Okay, they're cool too. You and me and the bottle make three tonight. Yeah. Go Daddy O2. Imagine counting yourself with a bottle. You and me and bottle make three tonight. It's a thing. Yeah, okay. Hey, the three of us. It's just a song.

Yeah, no, I'm into literal songs though. Okay. You and me, that's two and then a bottle tonight. That's what it should be. You know? A bottle and then you and me but they a bottle is a thing and you and me are in the same group it's a duo so literal but just like this

what is that flipping the woman over the arm dude swing dancing like this here's the thing about swing dancing It's very cool That people can do that And it looks cool But why would you do it? Always what I say Always what I say about almost all dancing But why would you do it? What I say about almost all dancing Tango, doing the tango is very cool

It's hard to do, it's physically impressive It looks beautiful Why would you do it? That's what i say always about most dancing break dancing break dancing the number one crumping crumping is very cool to look at very difficult why are you doing it that's what i always say about dancing why are you doing it about dancing but stop saying that after every single thing that i say because when when you dance okay so dancing though if you dance and the thing is music is going and you go all right cool yeah that's cool why would you do it not why would

you do it right no why would you move to music it makes nothing there you go but doing a stylized dance you're saying why would you do it a specific dance with yeah what are we in a fucking musical it just it's confusing yeah what the fuck is this west side story sit the fuck down oh so angry about it you know hey what do you a jet well that's cool learning it for in a number of a bunch of people doing it for show that's my point is that that's when it's cool at the dentist dude when you're a jet you're a jet all along and a jet is a jet when he forgot the words well yeah okay so what else what else we got who else who else we got what's up guys uh appreciate what you do appreciate the podcast

um you really really out there doing the lord's work hell yeah well you are um i think that's more you so i've listened to you guys for a while. Matt, I just watched American Animal, and it was wonderful. Thank you. Side note, I feel like I don't know. Maybe you had talked about it on the podcast before, but you did the thing from that thing you do that I quit. Yeah, you did? I mean, I can't do it. I try to do it, but I definitely noticed that.

Wow, that's amazing. Anyway, I've been listening to you guys for a while. Good catch. And I don't know. I feel like subconsciously I've kind of picked up on some of your mannerisms and maybe some of the comedic timing. Is this me developing a sense of humor or am I just being a pro hack? All right. Thanks, guys.

Well, that was funny. Is this me developing a sense of humor or what? Or was there a or? Yeah, he said or. Did he? But you ruined it you ruined it by like or what okay uh here's what's up dude all of my life i'm sure all of your life too me yeah well you don't even didn't know me the first three years but yeah well all of your adult life because you weren't saying words yet in the first three years but people have that i've like dated become close friends with spent significant amounts of time with together over whatever work whatever they've ended up talking more like me than yeah we're

trailblazers next what we're trailblazers next question no i just think people this is just true hi i'm clive drexler next question this is just true about everybody i think like if someone speaks very particularly in a specific way then other people around them who might not speak in a more in such a specific way will start to speak in that specific way as well it's true of accents i don't know if you notice people like when they're around english people anderson they'll start to sound a little bit more english same thing with southern accents it's true of accents um uh pace of of speech cadence like draws all this shit yeah so it's not like anthony anthony simmons nice to meet you you're not like ripping no like stealing from other people or even like aping them.

It just is like a natural thing. Hey, Chris Murray over here. But yeah. Why do you keep saying names, dude? Who the fuck is Chris Murray? They play for the Trailblazers. Is that what you were just fucking Googling, you ass? No one knows who Chris Murray is, dude.

Ryan Rupert. Ryan Rupert? I mean, I only know Clyde Drexler. Clyde Drexler is the man, dude. Okay, but that was from a long time ago, but that's when I used to pay attention to basketball, and so I googled and fucking there's a bunch of different guys. The Trailblazers aren't even a team anymore.

No, I know. So that's what I really don't get here. Because it says Scoot Henderson and DeAndre Aiton and Shaden Sharp and Malcolm Brooks. I mean, these are like Japanese guys. That's exactly what I thought of, dude. Really? The Japanese baseball game? So funny, man. Yeah, they're not a team anymore, are they? are they Well they moved and I think they have a new team

So maybe that's what it is then But a new team name and everything I don't think it's exactly you getting a sense of humor either You're obviously funny already Unless he didn't He gravitated towards this because It made you laugh It's fine dude you have your influences

It fostered your sense of humor let's put it that way yeah yeah and it's fine it made your sense of humor bloom now listen you're too old to figure this out like a beautiful flower it's all good you're already a doctor you're too old but look you know i wonder what kind of doctor he is i wanted to know and he didn't say um well maybe he's doctor of the soul which would be good because now he knows how to make people laugh um the portland trailblazers are still they are they are they're still in portland and the trailblazers and they compete that's awesome i didn't i thought they moved they're the portland trailblazers still yeah dude why did we both think they weren't a team i fully thought they so did had. Yeah, so did I. Yeah. That's like the Mandela effect.

I know the Supersonics move. Maybe that's why I'm glomming them together. No, but why Trailblazers, though? Because of the Pacific Northwest. Portland and Seattle are similar. That's why. I mean, I don't know. Could be it.

Could be it. So how could you change and move the Seattle Supersonics? That's the coolest team name ever. Because it sounds incredibly gay. Supersonics. But that makes it cool. Fuck it. I agree, but I feel like the NBA was like,

this is kind of outdated because it sounds gay. Supersonics? I don't know if that's why, but yeah. I think it's because less people are going to. David Stearns is like, this is too gay. We got to get rid of this. This is pretty gay. Donald Sterling. He's like, yeah, we don't like that this is too gay. We got to get rid of this. This is pretty gay. Donald Sterling.

Just like, yeah, we don't like them because I'm racist. You know? Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so that's good. All right. Do another one? Yeah, sure.

Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. So I've got a quick one. Most beautiful voice. How do you cope with being made to spend a lot of time with somebody who is constantly cracking jokes, but you just don't find them one bit funny. This person I'm talking about is constantly like quoting Step Brothers or quoting Borat, which are funny movies,

but I just think quoting them has been done to death at this point. Or they'll like repeat something that I say with a slightly different accent and then laugh. That's what makes it difficult. They're always laughing at their own jokes right after they say it. Oh. And I only have the energy to give so many fake laughs back to them before I'm just leaving them to laugh at their own jokes.

You should. I have a buddy that does that. Not laugh back at them, which just makes me look like the miserable one. No, no, no. Yeah. Any advice would be appreciated. And I don't have a Jordan with the slam,

but I think I do a good Jordan with the slam. So Jordan with the slam. Oh, wow. That was pretty good. It changed. You didn't have the English accent anymore. Yeah, yeah wow that was pretty good It changed you didn't have the English accent anymore Yeah it was pretty good So wait hold on I have a buddy that does that And I say

For me it helps for me in my soul It helps when I say Hey why do you do that And then what does he say I don't know I guess I just do that because I get insecure and i oh wow really yeah oh that's and i said yeah but you don't have to do that why don't you stop and he's like i don't i can't help it i don't think i can help it i swear to god this was a conversation i had with him wow he got real real fast uh-huh yeah i would

imagine we did it i would imagine the answer would be because i think it's funny he just says because he's insecure yeah no no he well i'm talking about specifically the laugh after the thing that yeah i know but i would imagine they laugh afterwards because they think it's funny no no no no because they'll be like oh yeah nice hat oh you know it's not it's like it's not like that it's like and i say like bro why do you do that and he's like do what this guy you know i get what you you're saying, but this guy made it sound like the guy he's talking about actually thinks he's hilarious. That's a little different than what I'm saying, yes.

Yeah. Yes. Like, if you're doing a stepbrother's quote, like, this guy doesn't do stepbrother's quotes. Yeah, exactly. That's, it's just, dude, what is, it's... Frankly, the guy you're talking about, I would like a hundred gazillion times more.

You do like him. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm saying, in a vacuum, that's so much more likable than someone who thinks they're fucking the most hilarious person. Stop saying, of course,

of course I'm talking. So, um, but yeah, I, I absolutely hate, uh, that shit.

And I, I, I don't know. I can either not be around that kind of person or I want to be around that person as a study, but, but I can't do the middle. I can't be like, okay, that's a friend now.

I have to be like, hey, bud, you know, in my head, I'm around you because you're so interesting and what the fuck is going on through your head, or I can't ever be around you. Do you make the, that fucking shit is so, hey, dude, don't do that kind of joke. What joke? This type of joke.

Well, yeah, but the worst part is laughing at it afterwards. Nah. Here's what you do. You're already doing it. Stop giving him the satisfaction of a fake laugh. Don't laugh. I think he fake laughs too much. And then when you don't laugh,

so he does the stepbrother thing. He laughs. He thinks it's hilarious. He looks down because he's like laughing so hard when by the time he looks up this is what i want him to see you doing this it's yeah that's only going to help that's not going to help the guy though the guy will still do it you don't think he'll be like what's happening and say, look, I want you to see the face I'm making. I'm not even smiling.

I understand. But I think that what that does, I think it will only make that guy feel bad. I don't think it'll help the situation at all. And it will make the guy feel bad. So how do you avoid making him feel bad? For me, you say, why do you do that? What is this? Do you think it's funny or what's going on because

you always do it you quote stepbrothers that's just a movie that you saw to me that would feel better yeah i couldn't agree more that's the right oh okay then that's the right thing also you don't feel bad because you're like if you come at it where it's like yo what is it that makes you curious yeah i want to know yeah i find it interesting Because it is interesting Then it You know Also then you might Get them to actually Incinerate and stop Right

You might You might And you probably won't I mean you might still hurt his feelings Because people are sensitive About being asked About things they do Because they implicitly think

Oh they're saying it's stupid Or whatever you know But there's nothing You can do about that You got to be able to ask friends Why they do what they do Yeah My My contacts are still blurry and it's really frankly fucking pissing me i still got my headache i took my nose thing out didn't really make a difference it helped me breathe

made me feel better but it wasn't helping my headache i'm so pissed off about this contact thing man it's okay but i think i need to you know what i think i need to do put cold water on my face okay well what do you think about that i think I need to do? Put cold water on my face. Okay, well... What do you think about that? I think that people only do that in movies and that's not a real thing. I thought about that too. Every time I see someone do that in the movies,

I think that is a made-up thing that is only a meme now because movies invented it. People don't... It's like people when they're like, you can't testify against your spouse if you're married to them. It's like, movies made that up, dude can't testify against your spouse if you're married to them. It's like movies made that up, dude.

Yes, you can be made to testify against your spouse. Yes. But people think it because it's just like what movies? I think people do wash their face with, not wash, but like with cold water, but not for the reason in movies. Movies will do it because they're like, need a reset dude yeah exactly that's never happened okay so then why would you do it because i feel really fucking tired and i want cold water in my eyes to move my contacts around so it's not a reset though cold water helps your eyes maybe it was a reset see you you're just you're not it's not okay dude it's not because i'm stressed out though that that's

what happens in movies they go like oh okay oh i'm back to square one that's not what i'm doing dude it feels good to put water on your face like a cold plunge you're saying yeah no to put no i know but i'm saying your face with water in this good in the same ways well wait what do you mean what do you mean yeah you're talking about splashing water on your face you think it feels good wake yourself up no or whatever reason for every reason you're saying it just feels good period or you're saying it feels good when you wake up uh either both okay when you have a headache when you feel like you want to wake up yeah interesting sucker right yeah i think we just do that because we saw people it simply feels good robot during sex sex bot it simply feels good getting it in his butt it simply feels good are you gay no wow it's uh just

never mind dude how about how fucking fantastic this podcast is? And how about how share it with your friends, dude? Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury to get on our Lifeline Luxury Patreon shit. Grow or Die is available, my special. And go see me in Phoenix. I will be in Oxnard and Brea and albuquerque and el paso and a bunch of different places go to chrislea.com to get tickets thank you very much i got my new solo podcast coming out soon the private record go follow us on instagram and on tiktok and go

go subscribe on youtube to make sure you get the notifications when we start dropping episodes which will be very soon. Who am I, Moses Brown? Who am I, Doopreath? Dude, the names of these. What are you saying? What are you saying? The names of these Trailblazers are crazy.

Oh, you're still on the Trailblazers thing. Matisse Thibule? You want to be on this show? You got a question? You need some advice? Click on the link in the description below or go to watchlifeline.com. You want one-on-one advice with me, Matt D'Elia? Go to mattd'ifeline.com. You want one-on-one advice with me, Matt D'Elia, go to MattD'Elia.com.

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