Lifeline - 95. The True Me

Episode Date: February 4, 2024

✨ LIFELINE LUXURY is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. Ep 20 out now! 🤳 Want to submit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. Today we discuss vasectomies, someone using your car without your knowledge (for an emergency), comparing yourself to celebrities, making comments about someone's weight, communicating with children, and what our earliest childhood memories are.   📆 Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline 💃 Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello. Hello. Can we see? Yeah, it's all good. I'll be in Kelowna coming up here February 9th. I mean, the most chill way to start. So if you want to come out, cool. Hello, can you turn around? Episode 95 to Lifeline. We love doing this. We love that you're here. We love being here. What do you got to say? Well, I was going to say join the Patreon for Lifeline Luxury and you get more episodes. Definitely. Patreon.com slash Lifeline Luxury.

Definitely. But I will be in Vancouver. Chris D'Elia will be in Vancouver. Rochester, New York, Kitchener, Ontario. You know what? I actually added a bunch of new dates. So go check it out. Go to, yeah.

Hell yeah. Grand Rapids, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Saginaw. Never been to that. added a bunch of new dates so go check it out uh go to yeah uh hell yeah grand rapids fort wayne indiana saginaw never been to that doesn't know where it is michigan yeah no i do apparently it's a somebody was saying it's a it's a big gay area saginaw which means it's nice they're sagging off their pants and you know doing stuff with each other's penises. Yeah, it's not that funny, but. Just tying it in. North Charleston, South Carolina, Chattanooga, Augusta. I don't know if I've been to Augusta, Georgia.

But anyway, I'm going all there. Go get tickets at chrislea.com. They are on sale right now. And check out Matt's new podcast, Private Record. Theprivaterecord.com. I saw the second episode. That guy's story was wild. Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah. Episode three coming out this Wednesday. Someone's dad. So boring. An affair with his sister-in-law. Someone's dad. Someone's dad had an affair with his daughter-in-law

for years, dude. Okay, well, that'll be a good episode to watch. That might be the craziest. That's the most soap opera episode. I mean, that's porn mean it's porn Basically porn yeah So go check that out and go to watchlifeline.com If you have questions or you want to

Submit And then you got the merch there At lifelinemerch.com And then also you got this merch here At chrisley.com Can I touch it? Yeah Can I touch it? Can I touch it?

Can I touch it? Can I touch it? That's how it would go. That's a good song. Anyway, dude. I already drank a Magic Mind. What's with Magic Mind? I like it.

I drink it all the time. It's good. At the beginning of the episode. Because it gets me going. But everybody likes it. Anthony drinks it, likes it. Chris drinks it, likes it. Everyone likes it because it's good.

It's a good product. Dude, June. I like it. My it. Everyone likes it because it's good. It's a good product. Dude, June. I like it. My hair, rate it. We kind of match. That's a nine. What? That's a nine for sure.

That's a nine. What's that from? I don't know. It sounds like it's from something though, right? June is shaking a lot. Hey, June, stop being scared of everything. She wakes up and it's just like, oh no, oh no. You're a scary guy, dude. No, it's not me. It's not me, dude. She wakes up and it's just like, oh no. Oh no. You're a scary guy, dude.

No, it's not me. It's not me. I woke up today. It's okay, June. Kyle was in my bed and he said, good morning. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah. And so anyway, I woke up and I

didn't want to get out of bed and I did. And then I drove down here and it was raining. And the rain sucks. Thought it was going to be a long time to get here. Dude got here so quickly. So that's good. So were you here really early? Yeah.

And then I was like, Kristen, I said, can I take your car? Because my car's in the shop. My Mercedes is in the shop. She was like, no no because i have to take calvin to school and i was like oh yeah okay i didn't want to drive my really nice car downtown yeah so i'm like i'm maybe i'll uber but then the alarm went off dude kristen hit the snooze button and i and she didn't get up and i was like calvin's not going to school oh really yeah so so now i got so i so now I got her car,

which is basically my car too, but. Dude, when he's older, that kind of thing is gonna be like the best thing. Oh dude, well he woke up. Now though, he's probably like, take me to school, dude. I wanna like. Yeah, so he loves school, but today he woke up and he thought it was before school.

It was already after school because she was in bed when I got up, but. I mean, a Christopher Nolan movie, what is happening? It was, I'm so confused. It was before school, but it was already after school because she was in bed when i got up but i mean a christopher nolan movie what is happening it was yeah so confusing so school but it was after school so when they woke up woke up it was after when they should have woken up okay right right and uh i'm in the shower and calvin comes in and just goes and then runs and goes in peace and then um and then uh kristen said um he said good morning he said good morning and i and then i said so he said, good morning. He said, good morning. And then I said, so I guess he's not going to school.

I could take your car. And she said, yup. And then Calvin said, I don't want to go to school today. Already. So it worked out for everybody? Yeah, everything worked out. Everybody's happy? She got more sleep.

Calvin didn't have to go to school. And I got to drive the car. That's good that everything worked out at your house. Because I woke up real anxious. Really? Dude, it was one of these. It was anxious. You know?

Just roll out of bed. How many days out of a week or like what was the percentage you woke up anxious? Honestly, lately, I can't even believe it, but lately it's like six out of seven days of the week. Yeah. I had that a few, like a month ago. It was every day i woke up anxious is there anything better than after like you don't realize it but you come out of a period like that yeah and then one day you wake up and you realize you're not anxious and you're like oh my god

when did this happen it's awesome why did i realize how do i make sure that never happens yeah i try to decide i try to understand why because like okay i had i was doing the road and waking up anxious when i get home wake up anxious i got home from albuquerque and then i i i went on stage at improv in hollywood and i had a great set. It felt so good. And then I had another great set. I did two shows there. And then after that, I didn't wake up anxious anymore. And it was just because like I felt so good that I was at home.

I had my family and I wasn't on the road. And, you know, I just had a good night performing. It also wasn't my crowd when I went up. And I was, you know, I've been performing for my crowd a lot, you know, I just had a good night performing. It also wasn't my crowd when I went up. And I was, you know, I've been performing for my crowd a lot, you know. But, like, when I'm a guest and I do well, it's more satisfying because. Sure. Who's crowd was it? Yeah, these people.

David Lucas. It was his show, yeah. Oh. But anyway, it was awesome. And I haven't been anxious since. Although, it's probably right around the corner. Oh, yeah. It always is.

Here's another good thing. Hit my head about three months. Maybe I would say maybe it's two months ago. Okay. Did I talk about it here? I hit my head on the. I don't know. You definitely did not talk about it.

In a Sprinter van. It had a shelf in it. I think we did mention it. You told me. I don't know if it was on the show. I think it was on the show. Anyway, we don't have to get back into it. Not a big deal.

And not interesting. But what is interesting is every now and then since then, when I move my head like this, every very now and then, somebody shot me in the back of the head. Lightning rod. Dude, one time. Lightning rod. Sword from the top of my skull.

Shing down into my head. How long ago was this two months ago like i said just now i wasn't listening to that yeah it's interesting so two months ago and every very now and then i'm talking about every five days it's just crazy and i never have it before yes dude and i never have it before and you and you get older and you experience pain and it keeps happening and it's never gonna end and that's great dude and it was all because i just fucking we we pulled off the gas station to go pee-pee and then we pulled back on and I fucking hit my head on the shelf in the goddamn sprinter

van. So who are you going to blame it on? Because you're not going to blame yourself. I'm not. No. I'll blame it on probably, I think it was Denny's fault. Denny probably had to go pee. Denny loved it.

It was either Denny or Lulu. I can't remember who had to go pee. It might have been Sam even. It wasn't even you who had to pee. No, I never have to pee, dude. It's their fault. I'll tell you what dude i never have to pee when i'm traveling it's the craziest thing what about normally always okay but what is that's really weird yeah it is weird because dude when i do my zoom meetings i have like men's groups and

shit i have a zoom meeting sometimes i have therapy for hours right i gotta pee like three times during the the session does it have anything to do with the fact that you know you can't pee when you're traveling so you think your brain maybe a little bit maybe maybe it might i thought about that yeah it's crazy though i can't believe how much i pee do you how much you wake up at night in the middle of night and pee i mean i'm peeing right now uh i wake. Dude, weirdly, I used to wake up like two or three times. Now, either one or zero. When was that?

Dude, when I wake up, the amount that I have to pee. Oh, dude. In the past year, it's gone. It's like at war with my desire to stay in bed. It's like it's filled up to here with piss. Yeah, exactly. Any slight movement, it might even come out. you know, because you got to use a muscle. You're talking about when you're in bed?

When I'm waking up. And if I get out of, when I'm getting out of bed, it's like I move like this to get up and it might, like a little bit might come out. Oh, I'm talking about, oh, I thought you were talking about something else. What did you think I was saying? The amount I have to go pee now. It's like my bladder grew like the Grinch's heart. Oh, maybe, I don't know about that. That's not me yeah that ain't me that ain't me that ain't me nah not me but dude i i can't dude i'm there and i'm going i'm like oh man i'm like oh man i gotta stop peeing i'm tired

oh man dude and it keeps going i'm like surely it's done soon and then it's not i'm like oh dude i just want to go back into bed i'm just waiting and just tinkling it's crazy by the end you're just like fully awake because it took so long yeah and it's and you know what does piss me off no pun intended but nice dude but um i hate waking up to pee and i do it it's always like at 6 a.m i wake up and i i go i'll go before i go to bed and then if i still haven't been in bed in 30 minutes, I'm like, let me empty it out. Let me top it off. You're on top of emptying it out. Yeah.

Always at 6 a.m. I wake up and I'm like, every morning I wake up and I think, should I go do it or can I sleep again? I think I'll be all right. And then I wait like 20 minutes. I'm like, got to go. Yeah. You always should go. But that's why I want to have diapers. But no one's stopping you. I thought you had diapers. I do. And I piss to have diapers. Well, no one's stopping you.

I thought you had diapers. I do, and I piss the bed. They go so far. They go everywhere. It's not enough. It's not enough, mate. Get a bigger diaper. No, I need a bag.

I need a colostomy bag. That's not what you mean. Dude, if I slept with a big, big... The diaper big enough would be so big. I'd be like, blah, blah, blah. I mean, like, I need... You'd roll into bed? Yeah, I need a...

Somebody's got to make a big diaper, not for seniors. I bet they do. No, make a big diaper for 40-year-old. But I bet there's big diapers for great big fat people that you can get, even though you're not a great big fat person. I'm going to look into it. If somebody knows, drop a comment under Lifeline. Somebody knows, for sure.

A lot of doctors listen to this show, so let us know. Are they made to just have like a full piss? No, no. The pens for seniors are supposed to be just for little leaks out of the penis. Well, why even bother? If you're going to make the diaper. I didn't know that because I got the heavy flow one. Well, not you.

I'm saying why bother if they make them? If you're going to make a diaper, let it hold the whole show. I mean, but just imagine pissing like a half liter into a farm like what's gonna hold that evaporate it evaporate it evaporate it but that's what i'm saying up so what is gonna soak it up soak it up evaporate it evaporate it evaporate it soak it up soak it up soak it up matt okay um all right so i was gonna tell a great old story about hitting my own head but you know what we should start well let's just do it we'll do a lifetime luxury all right cool so um sign up for that uh it's a great story dot com it's a wild head really head hitter story yeah it's actually utterly hilarious but yeah oh okay

what's up matt what's up chris need some advice or an opinion um me and my wife have three boys we don't really want any more children. We don't want her taking birth control because that turns her into a psychopath. So I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy. What's your thoughts on it? I'm like 90% sure I want to do it. The other 10% of me thinks, nah, don't do it. You're a man.

You need to mate, breed, reproduce for as long as you you can but that's the animal part of my brain yeah sure i don't really know what's your thoughts on it got the appointment scheduled oh the operation seems really awkward but that could turn into a funny story later if you want to update so yeah yeah get a vasectomy how do you feel about it let me know get a vasectomy so you can tell us how it went. No. I mean, I think do it. Can't you reverse them nowadays?

You can, yeah. Yeah, definitely do it. It's also, from what I understand, extremely, extremely not invasive for what it sounds like. Yeah. I couldn't do it. For the reasons he's saying? Or you just don't like the idea? I just don't like the idea. Yeah, I get that. It's just weird to me. And I don't mean it's saying or you just don't like i just don't like the idea of yeah i get

that it's just weird to me and i don't i don't mean it's weird if you do it i mean for me i would feel weird i get that like i i just i can't wrap my head around it for some reason it might be stupid but i just like oh man yeah i mean it is a really really really common extremely low risk thing yeah well it's not about the risk oh it's not oh no it's about but that's my stuff that's you know what i feel like that about lasik surgery like everything for every reason i should get it but i'm like those are my eyes well for lasik for me it the risk is the thing that scares me that's is there much risk involved still yeah it's not even the risk it's's like, I mean,

I guess it technically is, but it's just a weird thing about my eyes. No, my balls thing is not a risk thing. It's a, it's a, but that's part of me

and that's weird. It's, in a way, it's like when I didn't want to start taking medication because of my OCD. I was like, yeah, but I. Well, that's kind of

what he's saying. He needs himself to be intact in this way because that's how he's designed. Kind of, but it's not a mating thing. Sure. Yeah. It's not a... I don't think it's a biological thing for me in my head. Yeah. But yeah. If you know you don't want kids and your wife isn't going to go not... I mean, I agree she shouldn't. If it really messes with her mind and brain and the way she feels, definitely don't, you know, obviously she shouldn't be on the floor.

This seems like a simple solution because, again, you can undo it. And plus you already have three kids. Yeah, you know you don't want more kids. You know you want to be with your wife. You have a great situation. Obviously you want to keep going, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I mean, the imagery that's up on the screen right now. Dude, I mean, they cut the tube like that?

Yeah, I could never. No way. Let's see, wait, leave it out. The glands? No. Okay, so the imagery that's up on the screen right now. Dude, I mean, they cut the tube like that? Yeah, I could never. No way. Let's see. Wait, leave it out. The glands? No. Okay, so the glands of the penis is going like this. The scrotum is under that.

Does it? Because my penis is much bigger than that. So does it? Like, it hangs way, way, way below my balls. Yeah, this is... I don't get this. This is like, this doesn't apply to me. This is way too small.

No, but this is more like yours. No, this is way too small. If you have to... This is... I don't even understand. Okay, so hold on. I can never do it. What are they saying?

Oh, the vast... They actually cut the cord. Oh, the vast difference is divided. No, that's not. The vast difference. No. Okay. So, all right.

So, that's too much. Yeah, but... That's so easy, dude. If you're going to do it, do it. And you should. But, yeah, not for me. It makes me feel weird even thinking about it, honestly. If you're going to do it, do it. And you should. But yeah, not for me. It makes me feel weird even thinking about it, honestly. This is a horrible, horrible graphic.

This is so unclear. It's exactly how it should be. Oh, wait, never mind. I see it now. They cut it. Literally, it's exactly what it should be. But what part do they cut? Where am I looking to see what...

The nuts. The thing that's close in circle. What do you mean, dude? No, there's a glare right there. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. They put the lights... Chris put the lights in the yeah, yeah. Oh. They put the lights in.

Chris put the lights in the wrong spot. Yeah, he did. He put the lights in the wrong spot. So, okay. All right. So, yeah. That's so easy, dude. Get her done.

Hey. So, I talked to somebody who had a vasectomy and he was like, I did it so I can have sex with my wife and not worry about it and um and it's just you and i was like oh that's crazy he's like but i just love he legitimately was like i love having an orgasm like inside my wife so i was like okay wow well well that is as direct of a good reason as you could possibly get so good for him i just realized what why it's called a vasectomy because they're cutting the vast difference thing the vast difference yeah i didn't well i'm sorry dr

chris oh i knew that i don't know you knew that it's called the vasectomy because they snip the vast difference yeah okay i mean okay i don't vast and Vas Wow So just start from Vas and Vas I don't know I just think Okay man I mean do it Wow You know what a Vas deference is?

Yeah Why? We learned about it in school Okay man Well you also learned about A lot of other things That you don't know anything about Right?

Yeah yeah But when it's about penis I pay attention Okay Okay I believe that Anything penis related? You were very stupid. Hey, man.

Chris. Long time fan of the show. Chris. I'm coming to see you in Vancouver. Nice. Nice. The reason why I'm calling in today is I was in my car at a set of lights. The first car before the crosswalk, red light.

I'm just looking this way and there's this guy that's crossing with a backpack. So I assume he goes to school, which I'm better than him. I have a career. He's also walking and I have a car. I'm better than him. Anyways, he's walking across the road and he we make eye contact He looks at me and he laughs and covers his laugh and continues walking laughing and looking back at me And guess if that's been keeping me up at night. Oh, yeah

Nice nice nice. Am I insecure? Am I an idiot for? Days after still wondering what was he laughing at? Am I that funny looking or is he wondering what was he laughing at? Am I that funny looking? Or is he the psycho for presumably laughing at nothing with no one around? Thanks. Maybe he just was doing it. You know, this stuff happens to me all the time. And I always think, oh, it's because they know who I am or something like that.

Like yesterday, I was walking to my car. And I walked in front of someone my car and somebody uh i walked in front of someone's car i was i was the guy in the situation the other guy and they and they were ahead it was one of those i don't know like weird vans that had like a huge glass front and they let me go which is always kind of annoying i think it's it's like just go cars go i'll figure it out yeah because they're being're being nice. You've got to be like, thank you. When someone holds the door open from too far away. Yes, exactly.

You've got to hustle. That's exactly what it's like. That's the worst. So as I'm walking across, they flick the lights, which I'm like, I don't know. It could mean anything, right? Cars coming, watch out. It could mean go. It could mean hide.

It could be hurry up. It could be anything. And I'm like, oh. And then I look, because she she keeps doing it and she's going like this and i'm like just a train okay yeah yeah but i'm like like if it wasn't me i would be like oh what's going on but obviously i'm like oh she's a fan you know and she was like and then she drove by and said i love you and we got married so but um no but like that kind of stuff happens to me all the time and i always default to oh they know who

i am they either like me or hate me right like no matter what like whatever happens i judge it in through the lens of that sure being somebody that doesn't isn't like in the i no public that would drive me that would i have a thing to be like oh it's that if i didn't have that it would make me go it would make me go crazy. You'd have to be like, okay, I have to let that go. I don't think it would bother me, but I get it. Things like that, I always chalk up to just like people are so wired, so different. And insane too. Yeah.

And it's like, who the hell knows what was going on in that moment? insane too yeah and it's like who the hell knows what was going on in that moment like i i doubt even hearing the reason would satisfy you in any way true and also they you know what i would do i think is i would think oh they were fucking with me that's what i would do because i'm a little bit of a conspiracy theorist yeah you are starting to be i want to be more it's so weird to like become more of one in your 40s. I want to become one more. You aspire to that? It's not hard.

Yeah, but you have to really feel it. I want to really genuinely feel all of the conspiracies and believe all of them. Why? I bet it's probably so stressful, but honestly- No, it's the opposite. That's why they do it. That's why they believe it.

I free my mind. Easy answer. Just talk about freeing my mind and stuff. Oh, dude, you got to do your own research and free your mind. Yeah, those people seem very much like they have it figured out. There's nothing.

I'm a very, very, very extremely low end. I believe in like two. Two of them? And one of them is JFK and we know that's actually true. I think inevitably because there are so many, there has to be at least a handful

that are not exactly correct, but are about things that are definitely fishy and weird. JFK is not even a conspiracy. You know it was more than one guy. Okay. What? Okay. What do you think?

Yeah, I don't know. I've looked into it so much, I used to think for sure it was more than one guy. Now I honestly, I don't know. And it's so frustrating that we'll never know like come on come on just let it out let the documents out but they can't though but they can fuck it yeah they can they can do what i think the world's gonna like no it's so stupid nobody even really would do anything everyone who had anything to do with it is dead now it's so long

ago i know i know i know yeah anyway anyway i it totally makes sense you're not crazy you're not even you're not it's not that you're insecure that you're remembering that. No, no, no, no. I guess it could be. I mean, yeah, if you're beating yourself up about it, you'd be like, oh, am I ugly? Right, yeah. You know, you could be like,

oh, why is my right side of my mustache running away from my left side of my mustache? You could be like that. I don't mean to make you insecure, but that is what's happening. He didn't have any hair. He pulled the guy's face up. I don't remember that happening.

He didn't have any hair in the middle of his thing. Oh, you're right, dude. And that's okay. The mustache is running away from the middle of his lip and itself. His mustache is going like this. Fuck those nostrils. That's what they're doing.

It's also saying fuck you to each side of the mustache. One side saying fuck you to the other side. But I would say that you're not insecure. It seems like, honestly, you're pretty secure. You seem like a cool dude. You don't seem insecure at all. Let me tell you right now, you're not somebody that you look at and laugh at. No. And if you were, I that you look at and laugh at. No.

And if you were, I would know it. Sure, yeah. But maybe, you never know, dude. It could be some real weirdo who sees a guy that looks like that and is like, for a totally absurd reason. When's the last time you have certainly looked at someone and laughed

because of how they look, right? I mean, I don't think so. I've done it recently. Really? I laughed. Just like you catch a glimpse of them laughing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think so. I've done it recently. Really? I laughed. Just like you catch a glimpse of them laughing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever done that.

Yeah. They weren't even that weird looking or dressed odd. I was just like, how funny that that person has a life and like, look at what they do, you know? It must have been high. I don't smoke weed, but it must have been high off life or something.

High off life is what you were, yeah. Smoke weed every day. We got another one in the chamber. Hey, and matt nice um great presentation guys and i have been a baby a really long time and then also i loved your old podcast matt i'm really excited about the private record oh yeah and also next time i'm in la you better come to my show what all right well anyways i had a questions for both of you guys and they kind of go hand in hand. So I thought I'd put them together. Okay. My first question is about, so I was on a date recently and, um, I got drunk on the date and I ended up asking if I was prettier

than a celebrity and the celebrity in this case was Taylor Swift and so my date paused for a minute and then said no and then said why am I comparing myself to celebrities and then said that they weren't more attractive than another attractive guy celebrity and so it was kind of it was a kind of little tiny argument um and then my second question was so so after that argument, I decided to continue to dig that hole. And so I was like, okay, well then what would you rate me on a scale of one to 10? You're really asking for it.

And then they gave their answer. And of course I didn't like it. Right. Yeah. You're not gonna, cause it wasn't a 10. Everybody wants a 10. Right.

Um, so I guess my question is, um, is it normal or totally a question i shouldn't ask or anybody you should ask to compare yourself to a celebrity to somebody and then also is it also another one of those questions you shouldn't ask to ask somebody to rate you on a scale of one to ten with attractiveness what a great question. Would love to hear your thoughts. What a great question with a completely obvious answer,

though. Okay, go ahead. I mean, don't ask. The answer is you don't ask if you don't, or if no, here's what it is. Don't ask if you're not prepared for an answer you don't like, like if you're on a date with someone, I would presume you really want them to say 10

or yes, you're prettier than Twailer Sift. Twailer Sift. And so yeah, don't, you're really asking for it. Dude, imagine you're on a date and you're just like cutting things. So yeah, am I better looking than Christian Bale? Well, Kenneth Branagh?

You know he has no lips. Those two, you know? Dude, I can't... You know Kenneth Branagh has no lips? What are you talking about? Well, it's so simple. Kenneth Branagh has no lips. How does a person have no lips? Well, I mean, you know there's people with no lips.

But he has lips. You're saying they're small? They're on the inside then. I don a person have no lips? Well, I mean, you know there's people with no lips. But he has lips. You're saying they're small? They're on the inside then. I don't see them. Really? Can we please pull up a picture of Kenneth Branagh? It's crazy.

It's like he's a Simpson. How could he have the career that he has and not have no lips? Well, what do you mean? Directed Thor. He's a big Shakespeare actor

for his whole life. Yeah, yeah. You don't need lips to do Shakespeare. He's got straight up no lips. Oh, they're really thin. Look at isn't that weird they're like just like on the isn't that weird bottom and they're like muppet muppet shit like

it just closes look i'm kind of funny you know worst impression yeah it's pretty crazy hey man i never thought look at that you never huh? It peaks a bit when he smiles, right? Like it's revealing a little bit of pink. I mean, does it? No, upper one. Zero upper one. No, upper one's gone. Bottom one reveals a little bit of pink.

I mean, even look at the one. Look at him in the fucking dumb Shakespeare. On the left, on the left. No, no, no. Lower, lower. I did want that one. I know, but I want that one. Look, I mean, even that.

But again, a little bit on the bottom, right? That's a slit. That is not. He has a slit. Those are not lips. That's so weird. Yeah, those are Shakespeare one, you know? Can I see on the bottom, right? That's a slit. That is not. He has a slit. Those are not lips. That's so weird. Yeah, those are Shakespeare one, you know? Can I see the Shakespeare one, please?

Yeah, for sure see that one. There you go. Wow, look at him there. It's awesome. I'm going to dress like that. I got to wear that. Yeah, we should dress like that from now on. Yeah, look at that outfit.

He's dressed like he got wrapped in curtains. Like he opened up the window and had an accident. Accidentally. All right. I mean, even the fucking collar. like he got wrapped in curtains like he opened up the window and had an accident accidentally um all right so i mean even the fucking collar um wild outfit huh yeah i don't like first of all why would you i don't know like taylor swift that's such a weird one you know like i mean she's so famous but i would presume that she came up. Yeah, I would think so. That's what I thought.

She was like, yeah, look, I'm sympathetic to your cause, but you can't be asking questions like that if you don't want the actual answer. The problem is you probably asked it and thought, I am prettier than Taylor Swift. Yeah, and then it's flipped on you. And then when someone disagrees, which is obviously they're right, you know, then you're going gonna dislike it even more

than if the person just said it apropos of nothing, right? But the rate me out of 10 thing is like the most asking for it thing that there could even ever be. Yeah. So that's a big no-no. To be like, hey, am i more handsome than kenneth brana isn't that crazy i guess but what if they say no ten is crazy though is what i'm saying yeah that's really asking for it

so you just ask a question so i'm a 10 out of 10 what do you think i am because anything other than that is wrong but go ahead it would never go on another date you know well i that's crazy to ask that on the first date i think honestly yeah i thought she said second date but still yeah we don't whatever whatever it is we don't want that we don't we don't want to ask questions like i mean i don't know when you when you say shit like like christian is always like like she'll be like that guy's so hot on tv or something you know and i'm like yeah or no right and sometimes i'm like that guy's handsome right and she's like yeah like last night like who's hot to you as a guys yeah as guys uh the dude who plays negan on um

jeffrey dean morgan yeah he's really handsome. He's handsome, yeah. I watched The Postcard Killings. I mean, wow. He's in it. Oh, okay. Conversations. That movie is trash. It sounds trash. I don't even know what that is, though.

It's so bad. And he's in it. He's in a lot. And his daughter dies in the movie, like before the movie starts. He's the guy whose daughter dies. And he's smiling the whole movie. It's so weird. He's just like, wow, looking for my daughter.

And you're just like, be sad. Wow. What a choice. He's handsome. Yeah, okay. George Clooney's handsome. I have a type. I was gonna say, those guys are so similar.

I have a type. But also like, I like other kinds of guys too, you know? Okay, but then who's Kristen like? She likes, we were talking about how he's handsome. Jeffrey, what was his name? Dean Morgan. I have two names, not three, but yeah. So she thinks he's handsome.

She thinks Jason Moe is handsome, which to me, he's big and handsome, but it's like, what is he doing with his everything? He's a bit much. Yeah, he's a bit much yeah he's a bit much yeah um just visually there's a lot going on you know yeah i don't know who else is good looking christian bale's cool looking cool looking i would say i think michael fosman is real handsome yeah he's yeah he's he's handsome yeah she thinks he's really handsome yeah but he's like fucking waifu he's like super thin yeah i don't like that but i don't see i don't

like muscly guys wow we're gonna well they don't have to be muscly but he's he's like super thin yeah i don't like that but i don't see i don't like muscly guys wow we're gonna well it doesn't have to be muscly but he's he's kind of muscly in like a wiry way michael fassbender yeah but like well i don't want like a buff dude vince vaughn's hot oh okay and he's not on now or back on back down i don't know what it looks like now yeah no one does um yeah all right yeah anyways right okay next what's up chris and matt i'm listening to your guys's last week episode and a lady was just talking about how she lost 70 pounds right and people are saying she's skinny and all this stuff and it made me think about the double standard and what is appropriate to respond with and typically when someone says that they are

usually not skinny or bigger so when they say you're skinny can you say you're fat right how does that work uh i'm you know you added and stacked so it's all good but occasionally people will be like oh you're looking skinny and i want to say well you're looking fat so yeah yeah what do you guys should let me know thanks i think you should i stop me if i've said this before but i remember i was really young you were maybe 16 sounds like 12. uh remember that dude kian yeah king kalahi yeah king khali i mean wow what a guy what an name. Well, he wasn't nice this day. Oh. Because he said to you, he's talking to you and you guys are busting each other's balls.

He said, you got a big ass nose. Yeah. And you said. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, well, you got a big ass. Yeah. And that was good because he was a big dude.

He was a big dude, yeah. So the answer is, and I still remember that however many years later, many, many years later. And I think about that because a lot of people my whole life have told me I'm skinny. And none of those people that tell me that are skinny.

No skinny person is ever like, you're skinny. They're just saying it because they're the opposite of skinny, which is called fat. And they don't like skinniness in their presence. And even though it's not really an insult to be like, you're skinny, they make it one. So yes, of course, in that situation, someone in my situation can say,

well, what do you mean? You're fat, right? What are we talking about here? You know what I mean? But yeah, it sucks all around. It sucks that you even get put in that position. I hate this shit, man. I hate when people do that kind of thing.

Also, that guy, it looks fit. That's what he addressed that. Okay. Yeah. And, you know, I just, it's, that's annoying when somebody says that. It's so annoying. I mean, who, who also, I mean, we talked about this when the girl called in, but whoever is like, you're getting kind of fat. No one ever does that.

And why is it, like, what is going on that is so strange that it's culturally and socially okay to be like, you're too skinny, and not okay to be like, oh, you're getting a lot of weight. Yeah. You fat fuck? You fat fuck? Whoa, fatty.

Yeah. It's really weird, actually. The more you think about it, the weirder it is. Whoa, dude, you're getting ugly. You're looking bad. When you get older, you keep looking worse and worse. Could you imagine? I saw someone the other day.

They looked great. I love when I see someone that looks great, that they look better than they used to. Oh, okay. Whoa, bro, you look great. Yeah. He really looked great. You know what he said to me? What? No, dude, you look great yeah he really looked great and you know what he said to me what no dude you look great oh he had to say that no i you know what i mean i'm kidding no you're you're right though there is that but the way he said it made me

believe that he was going to say it anyway uh interesting yeah yeah interesting let's let's not i look good let's not get ourselves okay well cool yeah great great great great everything's great hey guys so i was staying in a hotel um in a different town and i'm in north dakota so it's like negative 18 degrees um this particular day so i came down from the hotel, started my car, went back up, I had my kids with me. We waited probably like 20, 30 minutes and we came down to my car. As we're walking out, I realized that my car

is not in the spot that I parked it. And I instantly got like panic, you know? My daughter's like, why'd you move your car? And then I realized that my car is just parked in a different spot so I'm like weirded out like I don't even want to open my car door like I have my kids is somebody in there like what the heck's going on um and as I'm like inching up to the door this lady comes up to me and she's like oh sorry about the confusion my battery died and I needed to jump my car and whatever um so i guess

she just moved my car to get like someone else's car in there to jump it and i just thought that was really ballsy and like yeah i get it no inappropriate i don't know i wouldn't have done that i probably would have waited for the owner and also she's like in my car already why wouldn't have done that i probably would have waited for the owner and also she's like in my car already why wouldn't you just pull the hood open and jump it with my car like at that point you know um i don't know and obviously i was just like oh okay like relieved that my car wasn't stolen and like glad that nothing's missing and whatever so i just like played it off but it really kind of bothered me yeah i don't know, what would you have done in that position? No. What do you mean no?

Just, what? They moved the car, if they had to move the car a little bit, it's not a big deal. It wasn't a little bit. Well, first of all, I don't agree that that's okay. You can't just move someone else's car. Also, how did they do that? Yeah, if it, no, I think what she was saying

was it was freezing, so she went in to warm the car up, so the keys were in there. I think that's what she was saying. Is that what she said? And then she went back to get her kids. That's what I thought. Oh. But it doesn't matter. I mean, the principle is still the thing.

However, I don't think that's okay to do that, actually. I really, really, really don't. You can't. If your car's in the way and illegally parked, it's absolutely okay to do. Okay, but that's not what happened, is it? I don't know. She wasn't clear about that. She was just saying she needed a jump.

And so she moved her car so she used it to jump the car, right? No, no, no. She didn't use her car. Oh, wow. I'm so confused. Yeah, you're very confused. She actually said she didn't use my car. She should have.

Then why did she move it at all? We don't know. Unclear. Well, that's not good of her to do that part, make that part unclear. It's not good to make the part unclear, but what I make up in my head was that she had the car somewhere. The other person's car was near that person, was near hers, and that other person needed to get a jump.

So she had to move that person's car and put whoever was going to jump her car where the other person where her car was to get the jump because she didn't want that's why she said why didn't you just use my car to jump yes now things are interesting and i am a detective for knowing that and yeah i mean that was good i was deeply confused by the by her but anyway that's i if somebody moved my car look if somebody had a McLaren, I wouldn't do it. But if it was some Toyota or something, I would just do it. If it was a regular car that anyone could drive, I would just get in and move it back a little bit. And if someone did it to my car, I wouldn't mind at all. Yeah.

You know what? You swayed me. Yeah. I wouldn't mind. Unless it was like a fucking high-end car, then don't do it. I wouldn't do it. Here's actually what i'll say i actually agree with you now but when she was explaining it i was imagining myself in that situation and i knowing me and i think obviously a lot of people her too there's just something like

that feels it's like a violation i guess so yeah stuff yeah your space yeah your car and there's some stranger in it like you didn't know i guess so if someone called me space yeah your car and there's some stranger in it like you didn't know I guess so if someone called me up in my room and was like can we move your

I'd be like oh yeah yeah go ahead I know I understand so it's not about the simple fact of someone else driving my car no

or wanting to it's just like you don't ask I don't know dude it's just it would bother me deeply if it happened to me

but as an objective observer I've been swayed by the case you made it's not it's just no it wouldn't bother me deeply if it happened to me. But as an objective observer, I've been swayed by the case you made. It's not, it's just, no, it wouldn't bother me. It really wouldn't. Okay. But I would add, still, again, it makes sense if you were angry, but yeah, it's not the end of the world.

There's also a difference between walking up, if I'm walking up and somebody's in the way, I go, ah, fuck. All right, I'm just going to move it, I guess. You know what I'm saying? Then, fuck this. I'm moving this shit. You know?

It's a difference. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Because it's like, the lady's like, oh, I'm sorry. I had to. I got to get jumped. I got to go to the thing.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to, you know. Yeah. It's not a big deal. No, it's not a big deal. If the person's like, yo, I moved the car because you're in the way. And it's like, what the fuck are you doing? Sure. That all comes down to You know Yeah It's not a big deal No it's not If the person's like Yo I moved the car Because you're in the way And it's like

What the fuck are you doing Well sure That all comes down to But there's different People think that Because you moved the car A certain way Because

I don't know Whatever Yeah no I think I think ultimately My friend hit me with He sent a picture And it was like Dude am I being a

Get off my lawn Kind of old man Or if I call The tow truck company Because there's somebody kind of blocking my driveway but i could still get in oh wow dude don't do that that's what i said i was like you can get out and in who cares yeah i say it's annoying and they're parking illegally and it's on your property but like write a note if you yeah that's what i told you know you're not

gonna catch them in the act like just leave a little note be like hey like yeah that's what I told him. You know, you're not going to catch him in the act. That's what I told him. Like, just leave a little note. Be like, hey, like, yeah. That's what I told him. Toe them for a reason that actually isn't impeding anything. That's extreme. I do think it's annoying when somebody parks like that, though. Yeah, of course. I agree. The note is definitely worth doing in that situation. But getting someone toed?

Yeah. Uh-oh. Here we go. But I kind of finished it. Is it done or what? Yeah, pretty much. That tattoo. Did you get it all the way up? I can't. The shirt kind of finished it. Is it done or what? Yeah, pretty much. That's a tattoo. You get it all the way up.

I can't, the shirt's tight and it hurts. I was saying, you're talking about how buff you are. Sore. Okay. And sometimes when you get a tattoo, I don't know if you know that, you got two? I have two, yeah. And you don't have big ones, right?

No, they're pretty small, they're right here. You feel sick afterwards, did you know that? I did know that about big ones. No, I didn't small the way here. You feel sick afterwards. Did you know that? I did know that about big ones. No, I didn't get sick at all. I have a buddy who got actually just like that, got a big, huge beach scape or whatever. It was a big view of the beach. It was three sessions, I think.

He said each one he threw up during. Oh, wow. No, mine doesn't. I can't remember which one i did i felt like shit afterwards and i looked it up and i'll go it happens but oh you didn't know you just i think i didn't know and i looked it up but but last night i finished this and i felt fine and i went home and i was like oh no i no, I think I'm getting sick. This sucks. Who was I around?

What did I do? And then I realized like an hour later, I'm like, oh, it's the tattoo thing. And I woke up this morning. I felt great. But it really does make you feel fucking sick, dude. Like sick in your stomach, right? No, no, no. Like feverish.

Oh. I guess that makes sense. You're getting poisoned when it gets in your body, right? Yeah, dude. I felt like i had a fever and i didn't well or i had a little one from that but like i mean i woke up feeling fantastic but like dude it it i was like oh no dude that's the worst feeling it is the beginning of the when you know it's coming it's the worst and you're like can it just be three days from now it's the worst it it's worse it's worse than being in bed knowing you're sick yeah because the end is sooner no but not the end is the furthest no from now i i i agree but the worst part about it is

when you know you're sick and you're just going to spend the day in bed you cancel everything you lay in bed and you go all right let me watch tv let me get comfortable yeah sure it can kind of have a fun element yes yeah but the day before is the worst because you still have to do your shit and you're like i think i'm getting but am i but i'm still gonna go to this meeting they're not knowing that is the worst because and you feel i would argue you feel worse even though you truly feel worse when you're full-blown sick you you feel it's so much worse bro yeah i'm swaying your mind a lot this yeah i Yeah, I mean, you're making good cases. I'm an open-minded guy. I know it could be because of the magic mind. Magically swaying your mind.

Delicious? Ah. All right. Do another one? Hey, Chris and Matt. I love you guys. Love you too. Ever since you came to FSU in like 2018, I've been such a huge fan.

I remember. But I need advice on communicating with little kids. I just started my pediatric rotation. I'm in physical therapy school. And I've never been around kids before. I don't have any little cousins or anything like that. This is like my first time dealing with kids. And I cannot communicate with them for shit.

Oh, wow. I feel like I'm being so fake and I'm like what's your favorite color and they just they could see the fakeness and I really want to communicate well with them because their therapy will be better if we have a real connection and I felt like my motherly instincts would kick in and they haven't yet so chris what's your advice you know having two little boys did it come naturally did you have to learn it um yeah any advice is appreciated thank you i think that you're thinking too much about how their kids i knew you were gonna say that yeah you know i mean you don't have to be like hey bro but like what's up bro what up you know but like uh yo did you see contagion with matt damon but like but like you um

uh but yeah you you gotta you gotta have that in mind but like you're not you can't be like don't baby them i mean i don't know how old how old she's dealing with i guess all ages yeah i guess so but um yeah also it might have something to do with you it probably has something to do with you you know i'm saying like like you probably feel a certain way about it because of the way either you are or when you were a kid how people treated you like it's i don't know yeah i feel like i mean you're probably way better at it than you realize i would i would i mean just hearing her yeah way better at it than you realize. I mean, just hearing her is great. And it makes sense because you want to be better at your job.

But the fact that you don't have any experience with kids leads me to believe that your gauge of whether you're doing a good job with them is a little off. And obviously, it's going to take a minute for you to adjust. But kids just like, they're not, in my experience, they're not like that complicated. Whatever you're doing and your instincts tell you to do it,

you're probably right. Also, you have imposter syndrome. You know, everyone has that. Like they think like, what am I doing? Am I doing it right? I'm not really, you know. That's true.

But you know who doesn't have that? Me. I don't have it. Who doesn't have imposter syndrome? For real, you don't have it? Nah, I'm good. Really? I should be doing the job I'm doing. That's not really what that is. I know. Oh, okay. Well. I have imposter syndrome for real you don't have it nah i'm good really i i should be doing the job i'm doing that's not really what that is i know oh okay well i have imposter syndrome you have no

you just said everyone i have it a little bit you do have it okay yeah yeah i think i think when people actually don't have it that they're probably not that like good at what they do it's like the uh dunning-kruger thing yeah yeah yeah it's like if you think you're if you're the dumber you are the less you realize how i think god i said i think i do have it before you said what you said that's amazing yeah well i knew you thought you yeah i know you know so yeah of course hey dude it's all good wow gonna fight me and it's fine it's all good so and i have imposter syndrome so i'm good at what i do but yeah have you ever at any point been like i don't

know how to how to connect with not connect with but to get through to, I mean, obviously not Billy, but. No. No phase of his, I was going to say career. No phase of his career as a child so far? Not yet, no. Yeah, that's amazing with billy it was a little different though i mean you know he's 10 months but like yeah but like with with billy it's a little different because it's calvin it's weird when you have two kids one kid the first kid but besides the fact that you're in love with this with this boy or girl you created, whatever it is,

your whole life is completely changed. I turned my head, my head just hurt again because I hit the shelf on the phone. And yeah, so that's twice in one day. When the second one comes, it's not a whole life change sure so it's it's i went not anymore but in the beginning i was like oh is everything am i still good at being a dad am i still because it didn't line up it's not rocking my world like it did and and does that mean anything but it's just because yeah it's more of it it's not a difference it's just because it's more of it.

It's not a difference. It's just more. And now I feel completely and utterly okay about it because Billy is his own person and it's its own separate thing. But yeah, in that way, it was weird for me connecting. But no, not now. but billy's also the happiest baby in the world it's really funny yeah i stop smiling i mean i've been around plenty of

babies and stuff but like this boy is just i mean he never stops smiling yeah he doesn't stop smiling it's so hilarious you think it's that from me no and calvin is a happy kid but he was always like this yeah he's a bit more of a serious i mean dude billy is just it's we call i say he's got a deadlift smile because it goes from nothing to like completely lift it up yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway it's hilarious yeah he's a funny guy yeah all right hi chris and matt i am a new viewer watcher hell yeah podcast listener and i am really impressed welcome by the way i love you i have a question for you i'm from nebraska oh wow and i'm at a pizza restaurant yeah you're right my boyfriend and at the end of our meal

We had the pizza And I'm boxing it up And the waitress comes With our bill And those little Andes mints The green rectangular ones Yeah I know

I haven't thought about that In a while These I hate that shit I have the wrapper Because my boyfriend Ate all of them And didn't leave any for me

Oh He's being handy How do I handle this? Do I act with aggression? Do I ignore it? Or do I address it? Thank you for being truly you in front of me. You're comfortable. As I am a little perturbed. Thank you.

Love your show. Keep up the good work. She wanted an Andy's mint chocolate thing. Yeah, I know. He felt comfortable enough in front of her to take it them all not what feeling comfortable to take them all for himself because he wanted them no that's being a selfish fuck dude that's not that's not like gifting her like thank you you get the true me that's that's such a shitty way of looking at it wow dude she's so done it has so taken the

last thing or whatever and kristin's just like why did you do that and you're like you have to be appreciative thank you i'm showing you who i am that's the most bullshit thing ever dude this is the true me hey dude you want to go like this and she's there and she's not eating it you go like this you get to see the true me that's you're welcome for the trimmy dude that is like textbook asshole yeah but um dude obviously bring it up and not in the thankful way thank you so much you're like hey did you not consider that i might want one too and see what he says of course i did and then what did you do i get to use it for me that's the biggest did you the true me fucking asshole on the planet.

Being on a first date. Don't you want to get to know me? Yeah. I don't understand what the problem is. I gifted you the true me. You're up. Bowling. Go.

Everybody says their most, this would be good. Everybody says their most important thing, especially women always say, the most important thing is communication, being open and honest. Well, here I am. This is me. Yeah me yeah now are you gonna finish that or what you pull their pasta over and all of my glory ain't taking that out of her hand when she's eating it all my glory her sandwich taking the money out of her wallet here's here's another here i'm gonna go beyond that because what we do is in this podcast we peel beyond the

we peel the layers of the onions we you're already in a terrible zone so you're going even more terrible yes okay we we push past the we move the curtain we look not just at the front yard completely into the neighbor's house right okay yeah so don't this is something that is just nuts to me. You eat a meal and they bring you a fucking piece of bullshit candy afterwards. Dude, I didn't say I wanted that. I didn't order it. What the fuck are you doing? It's such a, here you go thing.

I'm not a dog. Dude, I ordered what I wanted. I paid for what I wanted. Why are you giving me a fucking shit candy by the way here's that nobody really wants and these are actually a step up from what it usually is usually it's usually the shitty circular peppermint thing even worse with the pink in the middle those are the worst ones whoever liked one of those but here's the thing at least that makes a little sense what did i just because it's a mint yes you're like you ate here's a mint

but it's candy but okay yeah but the chocolate has me in it too but still it's just like i'll get that if i want that it's you might as well just hand me a fucking blow dryer i don't need that a chicken wing yeah yeah just like a random piece here here's more food you're full here's more here i have a chicken wing and they just put it on the fucking check too they put it on the check it's like don't give me candy just for no reason god that i've never even thought about this this is you haven't really weird it's so weird happening since i yeah yeah i was a kid no i'm always like dude here's another one uh airplane and everyone here's a wet nap for you for no fucking reason i'm sitting in if you're in you're sitting in the plane here's here's a moist towelette why do they why do they

do that on planes do they still do that by the way what dude i go like this i don't want one thank you every every person ever next to me goes like this oh what do you want wet hands for fucking what you know what it is actually people they like being pampered like free free shit shit yep it doesn't matter what it is dude it's so it also dude that sucks too yeah and then this big of a square yeah can't find the well is this the wet nap it's the wet nap that big yeah yeah it's this big dude yeah big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this big, dude. And you're just like this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

And then there's soap on your hands or whatever? The soap on the hands, the residual soap on the hands is terrible. Dude, start the movement. No thank you. I don't want that wet nap. I took it the other day because I actually had sticky hands. I was like, wow,

this is the first time it ever came in handy. See, okay. Yeah. Well, I think that also with the candy, to make this uniform, also do with the candy to take this to make this uniform also do with the candy take the candy go back into the kitchen and hand them to the chefs at the restaurant i didn't want i didn't order this i don't want this take it back how much is this did you charge me for this right yeah this is this better not be on my bill it's just three little shitty peppermints. I have eaten them, though.

That's the other thing that sucks. Sometimes you'll just eat them. Those candies taste like shit. I thought you said you liked them. The peppermint ones? Oh, I thought you meant the Andes. No, I like Andes chocolate. Again, that's a little bit of a step up.

Those are the worst, man. It's not just mints. And when you're're done with them your mouth has like seven layers of sugar on inside it's disgusting and guess what you totally forget the good meal you just had because you got this shit film layer upon layer of fucking shit ass peppermint in your mouth so disgusting it's fucking gross whoever made that shit that's like stop doing that everybody's so rich whoever made peppermints you know like that and and like just for i mean they're dead they're long and dead now but like yeah how did they get to be so that's the thing dude it's just it's it's a waste of space it's a waste of fucking space here's a little peppermint

ball that fucking sucks it's a circular disc you're gonna put it in your mouth it's basically plastic and i'm gonna cover your mouth with film and you're not gonna remember the really nice enchiladas you just uh-huh you're not gonna remember at all the really good meal you just had and guess what in 20 minutes it's gonna taste worse yes yep in your fucking mouth and you're gonna have a sip of water and be like oh this water tastes like fucking shitty yep disgusting sugary peppermint so here's the movement yeah if you have a restaurant and you hand out stuff, hand out little pieces of dog shit.

Yeah. Same thing. It is the same thing. Why'd you give me this? Or your own shit because a dog's hard to collect. Why'd you give me this? Well,

it's better than peppermint. It's the same thing. I'm giving you something you didn't ask. You know how restaurants usually give you little peppermints? Okay,

well, those are really terrible and so is this really terrible. So there's really no difference. So here you go. Anyway, I'm giving you my butt. Well, it comes from my butt. Yeah. Hope you enjoyed this really terrible. So there's really no difference. So here you go. And I'm giving you my butt. What comes from my butt.

Yeah. Hope you enjoyed your time here at Denny's. Yeah. So anyway, is there another one? Oh, the shit that we did. Hi, guys. This is Shannon. Hey.

I called him before with the private dinner party question. Oh, yeah. And was rightfully roasted for my monologue and very thin Christmas tree. But we loved it. Oh, yeah, yeah, we did. We did love it. We loved both.

Thank you for making me laugh and keeping me honest. Very cool. You're sweet. As you might be able to tell, I am nearly eight months pregnant. Awesome. I was going to say something, and I thought, wait, did you?

But you never say something. This is my husband and I's first baby. Amazing. It's a girl girl and we're very excited quick shout out to my husband brian who is away at sea for work we have about six weeks until he can come home and we have this baby yeah um so on the kind of theme of having children and childhood my new question for the two of you is what is your earliest childhood memory? Oh, dude, I don't remember mine. Thanks so much. Love you guys.

Good question. Before we even get into it, there are so many stories I've heard about me that I don't know if I remember it or if I just know the story. We haven't talked about this exactly. We've talked about versions of this, how other people's stories, certainly other people's stories about i agree me as a kid yeah i think over the years i've heard them enough where i'm like this happened to me and i remember what i can remember is the day we brought you home really yeah wow i remember i remember two things about that day i remember your life was from that point on much worse and too? No. I remember your fingers were wrinkly. And I was in the back seat while you were in the car seat.

And I asked mom, I said, why are his fingers all wrinkly? And he said, sometimes babies have wrinkly fingers when they're born and stuff. And then later on that day, or I guess it could have actually been the next day, but Grandpa Bam was over and everyone. And they got me a a he-man toy and um i i opened it up and i and i saw the toy and i said thanks you only got me this because he's here now whoa dude mom and dad should have known if they didn't already know that you were trouble from that yeah but i was too smart at three and a half at three and a half is crazy to say that that is

nuts yeah it's like cal saying that yeah i couldn't imagine that i guess i know cal would yeah he might say that yeah so yeah kids are smart you get a taste of your own medicine yeah i know i know and every time he does some shit like that i go like yeah okay yeah you deserve it i get it i do deserve it uh my earliest memory was how old were you when you were in first grade? Like how old is a kid in first grade? I don't know, how old is somebody in first grade? Do we know? Like six, seven? Yeah, maybe.

Okay, so then I was three or four. Okay, yeah, that's when mine, same. Sure, yeah. And remember Miss Antoine? Of course. First grade, right? I'm right about that? I had her in kindergarten, I think.

Oh, then, I thought I was younger, okay, then that makes sense. Because I had Miss Harlem for first grade. Okay, then it was kindergarten. When you were in kindergarten, I think. Oh, then... I thought I was younger. Okay, then that makes sense. Because I had Miss Harlem for first grade. Okay, then it was kindergarten. But you were in kindergarten, so you were like five. I was two. Okay, so really young, yeah.

Yeah, I remember being really young because Mom was holding me. Right. Okay? Okay. What? This is a crazy memory, okay? Wow.

We went... Mom was going to talk to Miss Antoine. It wasn't like you were in trouble. It was like a parent-teacher thing. I was with her because I wasn't in school yet. And she was carrying me. And it was Miss Antoine. Remember her assistant?

What was her name? I don't remember the assistant. It was like Miss Montefiore or something like that? Yeah, yeah, I do. Tall, nice woman. Yeah. I don't remember what she looked like, but I remember the name.

Whatever that sounds like. It was the two of them. Yeah. And Miss Antoine was called Miss Mont It was the two of them. Yeah. And Miss Antoine was called Miss Montefiore because of something like that. Miss Antoine and Miss Montefiore were making such a big deal out of me.

I remember this. I was so small. Yeah. And Miss Antoine, honestly, I had her later too, so I knew her as well. Just straight up the nicest woman

on the planet. Yeah, she was so nice. I even remember just the warmth. She was the sweetest woman's sweet it was great yeah uh and she was making the biggest deal out of me but because she was old she had a very like old like puffy wrinkly very particular face and and she was coming up to me and so demonstrative and so like, sweetly and making me do that. And she get closer and closer and I just thought, okay, these are those things in that book that I have, the dinosaur book.

If I stay still, Oh my. It won't get me. Well, you definitely remember that. That wasn't a story that was told to you because that's a thought you had. No, I remember all of this extremely well. I i was terrified but i also somehow knew i was safe because mom was being so reciprocal of her sweetness so i was just like i was like if i

just stay still if i just stay still if i just say so and i remember she got like so close to me like she was like and she was just like this and i was just like such a fucking idiot you know uh-oh she's one of those things in the book i was reading dinosaurs yeah yeah like a t-rex it was like a scene from jurassic park for real when the dinosaurs oh oh such a nice lady oh such a nice lady uh-oh she's actually a dinosaur the biggest idiot that's ever been on tripping so hard on acid i remember that was the day i gave you acid yeah that's that yeah that was what did it um not funny though dude yeah it is weird that you remember that this is why they say that your fucking book was written before you were like four yeah right yeah you know yeah it's just like well they say two to five right that's the zone where you really get shaped almost like i guess so but i mean like there's really a lot of evidence

where you know if you're if you were in foster care the first year of your life it's hard for you because you didn't have the first year yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean that makes so much sense so many like minor but hugely important developmental stages there my therapist was telling me that she was like she gave an example like you know when like you're because it was we were she talked about this when i had cal first and i was like you have to be attuned to what your baby needs and you know how sometimes you want to go like hey look at me and then they try to look away and like you're like no over here you know how sometimes you want to go like hey look at me and then they try to look away and like you're like no over here you know yeah like that that's technically in a very

small way little trauma because you're like the baby's like i don't want to be doing that yeah but what you know what i mean and that changes that make that develops you yeah i know i know it's crazy life is so hard well that's why when when you go to like i know it is hard and like you that's the kind of thing where it's like you're not giving your kid what you need but it's not your fault what they need yeah yeah what what they need but it's not your fault of course so it's like mom and dad have as every mom and dad has fucked up but you to to to realize that this is a huge thing i learned in rehab but like to realize that because your your my knee-jerk reaction is to be like no they

were great no no they didn't fuck up no that's not their fault and it's not their fault but that's the key it's right it's not their fault but they did mess up and just as i'm gonna mess up well no parent ever has ever not messed up oh like thousands of times right but in my rehab i the one of the main things was people were like no i don't want to blame my parents for that like you know and it was like you don't have to blame them for that but that is why it happened and it's okay and and you can have space for both feelings you know what i mean didn't mean to get so deep but didn't mean to get so deep but but wow look at your muscles man if you want to go over listen to all the lifeline luxuries go

over there lifeline luxury it's patreon.com lifeline luxury and uh we keep moving up you know but the lifeline luxury is fantastic uh and then uh all my new tour dates are on sale chrislea.com i'll be in saginaw and i'll be in uh north charleston south carolina and a bunch of different places i got vancouver coming up soon that first show sold out second show selling out so go get those tickets and colonna i'll see all thousands of you soon and you want to make sure you subscribe to the Private Record channel on YouTube. Episode 3 coming out this week. It is crazy. Got a couple episodes out now.

Peeped the last one. It's super wild. And yeah, what else? Oh, yeah. You want a one-on-one-on-one with me, Matt D'Elia? Go to mattd'elia.com. Advice session just for you and me. And the merch, lifelinemerch.com.

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