Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - Episode 54 - One Year Anniversary Q & A

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

You sent us questions and we answered them. Things got weird. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys Buy a shirt: https://teespring.com/stores/lions-led-by-donkeys-store Buy Citizen of Earth: https://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Earth-Galaxy-Fire-Book-ebook/dp/B07NSMFSHN/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Well, it's a big show, oh, it's a big bad show tonight, oh baby, come on, oh, yeah, it's a big show, oh. Hello, and welcome to yet another episode of the Lions Lend by Donkeys. We're recording. It's our special Q&A. With me is Nick. Yes. And everybody knows me.

I'm Joe from every other episode of the show. And this is our one year anniversary show. Ooh. Which is precisely one year longer than we ever thought we'd be doing this show. Very. I think, what, 10 episodes in was our first Q&A? Yeah, we did our first Q&A 10 episodes in because we didn't think we'd make it much far past that.

That was an accomplishment. I think the first episode was an accomplishment. It was a bad accomplishment, but we did it. We did it, exactly. So we bugged you guys for the last month, I think, for questions, whether they were about history or anything at all. And we would do our best to answer them on the air. And I picked out, we had a lot of questions, which was awesome. Way more than the first time.

Which is good. I mean, I would hope we have more fans now that we're doing something very wrong um so we picked out a handful of them um just so we can keep it to about an hour or so and also so i don't do 20 different merry fuck kills uh as entertaining as that is. Oh, Mary Fuck Kills are great. They're solid. They're solid. Okay. So we started off around a year ago now. We don't exactly remember the exact day because why would we have noted that down? We didn't think we'd be sitting here having this conversation. How did we come up with the idea of starting this? We were drunk playing video games, I believe, as every good idea starts.

We were. I don't know. I think, oh, we were probably talking shit. I know exactly. We were talking shit on the JRE. Oh, yeah, Joe Rogan. Yeah. Because he's a fucking piece of shit.

We were definitely talking shit on that. And then for some reason talking about, wow, we really like Dan Carlin. Yeah, I think, yeah, you're right. wow, we really like Dan Carlin. Yeah, I think, yeah, you're right, because we were talking about Dan Carlin and Mike Duncan, which are fucking magnificent podcasters and kind of sort of historians. Mike Duncan is, I believe, is a real historian. He's fucking great.

He's great. Working on a book about the life and time of the Marquis de Lafayette will probably be really good. But we agreed that listening to an hour of just you know dry history can be a bit much even if you're a history nerd right at points i found it kind of like all right i need to change it to something especially because like dan some of dan carlin's episodes are like four hours long yeah which like uh like road met was a blueprint to apocalypse is yeah that one's long but it's so good it's fucking great but also sometimes i wanted to die and it's like super down and it's super depressing which i mean it's about world war one of course it's depressing

when i read his tweets i read it in his voice yeah it's so ingrained in my head yeah yeah when i'm reading about world war one i tend to get really depressed, so I have to pencil into a circus clown cartwheeling down the psalm to make myself feel better. He died too. He didn't make it. We thought it would be a good idea to bring some levity to the situation.

There's a lot of, I mean, it sounds really stupid to say, there's a lot of hyper-serious topics in history. There's a lot of shit we'll just never cover because we can't make fun of it um and i know the holocaust yeah exactly like i wanted to do the armenian genocide that's gonna be fucking hard to do um but you know we've done some serious shit and it got uh you know a solid reception but if you can't bring levity to a situation i also believe that you can shit talk somebody. Um, like our mom,

Mudea and Hadith episodes, obviously not a fucking barrel full of laughs, but we also didn't have to ask ultra serious. Um, um, some stuff is super hard. Yeah. And we didn't have to try to play like the neutral character.

Like some people do when they're like, Oh, it's ultra serious. We can't pick sides. Like, no, it's okay to point out someone in history and like, that guy fucking sucks.

Oh, yeah. And that's what we do. Nobody else is doing it. At least not to the extent that we do it. So that's kind of how we ended up where we ended up, which actually starts off at a great first question. Nice. In a year now.

You did get good at this. I know. In a year or so, give or take a couple days now, and 50-ish episodes, what do you regret? What do you think you could have done better? I got a really obvious one for that. Okay. We know nothing about sound design. Or sound engineering.

So I was at a book signing in North Carolina at a college, and it's full of history, PhD students and stuff. They're like, dude, your podcast is awesome. But I almost quit after the first eight episodes because it sounds like a fucking potato. And I'm like, yeah. We had to go get a professional to do that. What's up, Nate?

Thanks for dealing with us. Because us doing it, we were getting mad, and we were like, fuck this. Let's go play video games instead the interview I did with Tom about German Armored Act I like that one

I actually do it twice which is I'll bring you behind the music here we did it once and I did it fucking wrong and it did not record at all so now this is before Tom and i he's coming to my house we've drank together we've had dinner i consider him a friend now but this is like he was just some guy from twitter at the time who took time out of his day to skype some motherfucker from across

the country and i'm like hey buddy it didn't record you want to spend another hour and a half on skype with me and he was like yeah like oh thank god uh because i completely fucked it up um and then even after we got a an engineer or producer um i fucked it up uh we did an episode in the white rose which uh rich was on for which is an episode i could not wait to do and i fucking botched the shit out of it so I definitely regret that um I picked the wrong toggle switch or whatever and recorded through the uh the microphone on my laptop rather than the incredibly expensive sound equipment we have on our table fuck me man that sucked I remember all the YouTube videos we were watching, like, how the fuck do we do this stuff? Yeah, and it still did nothing.

So if anybody doesn't know, Nate Bethea is our producer. He suffers so much dealing with my bullshit. So if you don't know who he is, follow his podcast, Hell of a Way to Die and Trash Future. They're fucking magnificent. And they're our podcast family now. I enjoy it. Yeah, they're great. Another huge regret I have is my research sucked at first.

Now I will normally research an hour-long episode from anywhere to six to ten hours. A script will run six to ten pages. a script will run six to ten pages unless it's like the Iran-Iraq war series and the upcoming Soviet-Afghan war which has taken me literally months to do but I believe when we did an episode

on Luigi Cadorna and we did another one on Douglas Haig we researched for about 20 minutes yeah I think it was like day of recording we were like alright let's do Yeah, I think it was like day of recording. We're like, all right, let's do this. Yeah, I think I had two paragraphs written. Let's get trashed in.

And we didn't have any kind of format. Like, we both would research, and then like, well, let's just see what you researched. We found the exact same fucking thing. Yeah, and we're like, well. So this isn't really working. I obviously have a background. Sitting two feet from each other. Yeah.

Now we actually have a table, which is nice. But you know we uh we were just saying the same things i'm a little bit better at research because i do it for school all the time and obviously i write a lot so i'm like well fuck and you're in the army so i just don't do any research now you don't have any fucking time to live your life so i'm like well fuck i don't have a life oh i only did research for one thing it wasn't even recent now. It was Jade Helm. Yeah, that's it. And we fucked that episode up too.

That was a great episode. I loved it. So the Jade Helm episode is originally supposed to have two video clips in it. Oh, yeah. And we did a test run incorrectly that if we just played the video clips in the background while we were using our recording program, it would just pick it up. And we did a dry run and it worked. It did not transfer to our producer,

who's like, yeah, dude, there's a 30-second lapse of nothing except you drinking and breathing. So, and that has been the only, i've only ever got complaints about two episodes that is one of them and that is the only reason why it wasn't because we just shit on texas for an hour and a half but we kind of did but we did that's okay i own property in texas that makes me legally a texan uh so that's okay um What's your major regret? Not picking a better whiskey to represent our show. Yeah.

It's rough sometimes. We record this at my place. I don't know why we decided on that. I have the space. Yeah, you do. I think it's because of the time you're living in a duplex and you can hear your neighbor through your walls. I can hear them shitting. And I had at least a separate house so like well the only thing to make noise is my dog

so um so we picked over here and the agreement was like i'll set everything up i'll get food just bring booze so he brought a plastic jug of whiskey i had never heard of before i got it just because i wanted to be adventurous and i was like holy fuck that looks fucking sweet and i just got done the night before watching the crow and we got fucking lit on old crow and now it's our thing we and i'm a shout out to uh dr james crow uh for not sending me a cease and desist letter for stealing multiple pieces of art and then selling it for profit so shout out to you bro a doctor sorry i didn't mean to take away from the couch of whiskey doctorate program dick um yeah uh so i guess we can move on from that

one oh yeah for sure but yep definitely should have picked a bit of whiskey i mean it's affordable it's definitely affordable It's definitely affordable. It's so bad. But it also tastes like chemicals. So somebody told me recently that they found somewhere that sold Old Crib for like 60 bucks. And, yeah, I think it was overseas. What? Yeah, I don't know.

But, yeah, that happened. But here, at least around us, you can only get Rite Aid. So if you live somewhere that doesn't have a Rite Aid, it's a corner pharmacy one step above a 7-eleven yeah they just sell a little bit more yeah um so moving on from that we did an episode on the on the dogs of dogs in parentheses bear of war episode which i really enjoyed yes um and somebody wanted to know more about Cujo, the dog that came back from Afghanistan with us. So Cujo came to us randomly out of nowhere, out of a field one day, and followed us back to a base. Where even though it's strictly against rules to keep dogs, because, I mean, wild dogs are a huge vector for disease. And a lot of the dogs, for anybody who hasn't been overseas,

especially to places like Afghanistan where there's large amounts of stray dogs, they're not domesticated. They're like maybe a step above a wild dog. They'll fuck you up. Kujo wasn't one of those, but he probably had a fair amount of illnesses, which is to be expected. But he was also bred to

fight. They cut off his ears and tail because those are easily latched onto during a dog fight, I guess. But he was really friendly towards us. He turned into kind of our guardian against other dogs and sheep, which was weird because I never

felt endangered from sheep in my life. You didn't know that because Cujo was protecting you. That's right. Sheep are probably the number one killer in Afghanistan. It's not actually IDs. That's it. She, you just blame the bombs.

And at night when we went on night patrol, like Cujo would like growl if he heard anything coming, which is pretty fucking handy in the middle of night. But a platoon sergeant from another company, I won't say his name, put in the paperwork to adopt Cujo. After a long process, he got Cujo back to the States. But I do need to point out here, and this is not part of your question,

it was significantly easier getting a dog to move to the United States from Afghanistan than it was to get Hamid, our interpreter, to the United States. It took him a full two years longer than a dog to get his visa approved. So if you're in Afghanistan and you're listening to me for some reason, first of all, hi. Second of all, don't work for Americans. They will fuck you over. They care about dogs more than you. But not only did he get Cujo, the same guy ended up deploying again, adopting another Afghan dog. So now Cujo has family because he doesn't understand English and his family. He doesn't know what his family is saying.

But no, he's very happy and healthy. And I would post pictures, but most of them involve the guy's kids. I'm not going to do that. But yeah, just know Cujo is really happy he's way better off uh than he was in afghanistan and like pictures people keep posting pictures of him like curled up on couches that's pretty cool the only story you told that i don't have to take a shower after i don't feel dirty oh so i gotta change that now rolling into our next question tell me an embarrassing family story oh yeah i love these so i grew up you know hispanic i don't i may not look at did you get over that at some point or apparently so because uh i'm the only one in my family who can't speak spanish so kind

of the disappointment you're the hispan people that don't like Hispanics like you assimilated my boy but also like I still don't want to treat you as like an equal person because your last name is vaguely Hispanic it is so I have a few I guess but one that I really like is what's your grossest one without I mean I'm going to give out some grossest one I mean like the one that if really like is... What's your grossest one? I'm going to give out some prank answers.

Grossest one? I mean like the one that... If you're in a circle with other shitty soldiers telling horrible family stories, what's your one-upper story? So I always... My brother was kind of a piece of shit when we were growing up to me.

He was older. And whenever my parents would leave, he would watch us and he'd be the fucking dictator. He'd turn it like a regime fell over us in the house. Like the flags would go down. The CIA was probably involved. We were like, what the fuck?

He tried to choke me out with a pool stick at one point because I wasn't listening to him. We didn't even have a pool table. Why'd you have a pool stick? I don't know. So I was like, I know this fucker tries to sneak out every Saturday. I'm going to get him. So I grab a bunch of 2x4s. My dad's a pretty handy guy.

He's got a bunch of tools laying around. Some nails. Start nailing some nails into the fucking boards. You set up a fucking bungee pit for your brother? Yes. And it was outside his window. Oh my god. I laid out probably about six boards, and each board was probably four.

Oh my god. Four nails. This isn't a prank. This is an attempted murder. No. Only his foot. So, the night goes on. My parents leave.

He's watching over us. He hits me a few times. I try to hit him back. He's bigger than me at the time. Whatever. I got him leave. He's watching over us. He hits me a few times. I try to hit him back. He's bigger than me at the time. Whatever. I got him later. He doesn't know it. Maybe like an hour later after this beating, all I hear is, oh my god.

Just someone screaming in pain. And I'm like, got you, fucker. And I go outside. His foot, literally, nail, can see see it foot all the way to the board i was like oh fuck that worked too good like so i was like well don't want to get in trouble for this so i tried like convincing him like hey we'll both get in trouble if you tell it's like what every brother tries to tell their little brother after they fuck him up. It really is. So I yanked the board.

Surprisingly, a lot of force goes into trying to yank nails out of someone's foot. I wouldn't know. Now you do. So I yanked this fucking board off his foot. And there's a hole. And I'm like, hmm, don't want it to get infected. So I grab a bucket, get some bleach. Oh, my God.

I get some bleach, and I stick his foot in it. You stuck his foot. You stuck an open wound in a bucket full of bleach. He didn't need to go to the hospital afterwards. It worked. Jesus. I think this might be the one situation where they're saying, like, if it's dumb and it works, it's not dumb. Exactly.

It doesn't count here. It worked. I didn't. So, first of all, I was around nine or ten. Just treat your brother like a used heroin needle. He'll be fine. I was around nine or ten at the time. And now you live in Washington.

I was around nine or ten at the time. So, he was 11. So, he got what he deserved. I was around 9 or 10 at the time. And now you live in Washington. I was around 9 or 10 at the time. He was 11. He got what he deserved. I got one. I guess I'll let everybody judge if this one's worse or not. As most people are aware, I grew up in the metro Detroit area.

In the street. The area I lived on is pretty racially segregated, but not in the way people think. My family's pretty much the only white family on the block. Not a bad thing at all, unless you're mine. Out of like, were you living in like a Hispanic block? No, no, no. It was a very African-American block.

Okay. Yeah. That part will become important later. Will it? Yeah. So if you've ever seen the movie Gran Torino, which I'm still convinced to this day was only made by clint eastwood so he could have a reason to mumble racial slurs for fucking three hours yes now my family was the one white family on the block and the clint eastwood was just my 45 year old unemployed father

um and he's racist as shit uh it's not a surprise you know know, there's something weird when it comes to racial minorities. I understand Armenians are generally just considered white, but pretty much anywhere Armenians go, we're very distinct, and we're normally the minority. And there's something to be said about minorities who have spent

their entire lives oppressed, just really don't like other people, especially if they're from Eastern Europe. I don't know why. Armenians are racist as fuck. I've never had to deal with Eastern Europeans growing up. I can't speak for all of us, but if you've ever gone to a YouTube comment section

about anything to do with the Balkans, holy fucking shit. It's like Xbox Live circa 2006. I've gone onto YouTube to look up Slavic music. Same thing. Okay, cool. I don't know why, but they are. Almost my entire family is just so fucking racist.

My grandfather, this isn't the story, but my grandfather once told me not to swim in the community pool because black people would give you the Ebola virus. Yep. Did you get Ebola virus. Yep. Did you get the virus? I did not. Okay, so you didn't.

Now, it turns out my racist foreign legionnaire grandfather was full of shit. Turns out he's a dick. Yeah, he's just not a nice guy. But at the time, my dad was unemployed from the Ford factory, so he had a lot of time at home with my Ford factories. Back when those were a thing. And he had a lot of time at home with my Ford factories. Back when those were a thing. And he had a lot of time home.

I heard the poor factory, I'm sorry. That's the racism factory. My dad was sucking dicks down at the racism factory. I'll get you off in two minutes or less. Go ahead, time me. I got a union break. He got to spend a lot of time off with my sister, who was our only child at the time,

who was six years old. That doesn't sound good. He taught her a trick, but he did not tell anybody about this trick, but he was very proud of it. My mom discovered it. My mom worked three jobs at the time to try to take care of everybody,

because my dad, instead of looking for work, he just drank all the money in the house away. So she had to work to feed his habits and also her daughter. She decided, I have my one day off a week. I'm going to take my kid to the local mall. The local mall. That's nice.

Well, I mean, you grew up in a pretty poor area, so you know there's like two or three malls. There's a really nice mall. There's the nice mall or the new mall. We always call call it the new mall even though that mall was built literally 20 years ago it's the new mall still to this day in 2019 um and then there's our mall well yeah i guess like we went to it's if you've ever watched a mall rats it's the dirt mall like it's the gross mall yeah half the stores are like empty um actually you know i don't even know if those even exist anymore because malls are so dead but you have

the poor people mall the ghetto mall we went to the parking lot mall is what I used to call it it was called the Rose Bowl something it was in LA I'll have to explain later go ahead I'll take your word for it so that was the mall we went to we didn't go to the nice mall so it's

it's the mall for the people who live in the city. Cause you know, I mean, there's no gentrification going on in fucking 1989 in Detroit yet. It was the exact opposite. So my mom puts my little sister in a, a Walker or whatever, and it's pushing her stroller and is pushing her through the mall.

That is when my sister stands up in her stroller and loudly starts making monkey noises while itching her armpits because my dad taught her to do that whenever she saw a black person. Your story's fucked up. Yeah. Mine is...

In case anybody was ever curious why I never go home for holidays and I have not been there since I've been 17 years old. That's what you call a fucking hint. Yikes. Yeah, that's a fucking yikes for me, dog. I don't go home because half the time I can't understand my family. Do they speak Spanish behind your back?

I feel like they do. Well, I mean, if... Your whole family speaks English. They can. It's fucked up because then they'll start. I've spoken to some of them. They'll start speaking fucking English, and then they'll just go straight to Spanish. I'm like, all right.

They know you don't speak Spanish. They know I don't. They're fucking assholes. My youngest brother. My youngest. Out of all of us. He knows it. I'm just like, you fucking dick.

Puta. I know that one. Yeah, fuck you fucking dick. Puta. I know that one. Fuck you, dude. We don't get any more depressed. We're going to move on to the next question. Why is everything you do depressing? I've made the joke before and this kind of works in my world as well.

Whenever I was talking about Russian history, the quotation should just be, wait, it gets worse. Also my family. This plays into the show Yeah. Also my family. So also, Oh, so this plays into the show too. Yeah.

Okay. That's good. So somebody asked, what was one of the, holy shit, what a great idea moments that we talked about during the show? Like something that I had told you, like,

holy, like you're thinking outside the box and you're like, God damn, that's a really good idea And you never Because I mean we're trained At least to some extent in military ideas And tactics

What is something you absolutely never would have thought of That just blew your mind Honestly I'm drawing a blank on this one I'm going to go with the electrified swamp Oh god The electrified swamp 100 okay you fucking immediately bam big bang fucking uh magician i need a magician but that wasn't really a thing it is though i mean

he did actually have a personal personal magician that is true and he didn't gift him a 737 full of gifts. Exactly. You know, because one, whenever you're down, you just look at him. They got to do something. Like a zam. But like he was not a real magician. I feel like he's just a guy who had a lot of rabbits shoved down his pants. Maybe that was his fetish. I don't know.

It could have been. Like, so you're going to give me a magic trick? Wait, I'm not done yet. I'm almost there. Oh, he's got to come on the bunnies again. Oh, the bunnies got gel on them. Rogaine. All right.

So here's a simple one. One of these has got to go. Whiskey, rum, or vodka? Rum. Rum. Rum's easy. I don't like rum. So I can mix with vodka. Yeah. I can hardly mix with rum and whiskey,

but I like whiskey on its own. I do not like rum on its own. Is there a reason why you've never heard of rum tastings? I mean, you know what? They probably fucking exist. Everything exists, but like... No. I don't want to do it.

I'd say the only rum I could actually... I actually kind of like is Kraken. Kraken's pretty okay to me. I've gotten trashed off Kraken so bad. Maybe this is why I don't like rum. Bacardi 151 is technically rum, right? I've never had it. I never wanted to.

Well, I lost a bet in the barracks. That sounds terrible. It was some arbitrary bet. I think it was the hockey the Red Wings lost because that's what they do now. And the loser had to drink a protein shake made with Bacardi 151. That's exactly what happened immediately. And I have never touched Rumsens.

Yeah. Was it like a thick? It was. Like a creamy? I can see it. It was like Greek fire because it was like thick and Latin fire and on and just burning. And but because the because I didn't put a ton in there, I put like one protein scoop

and then like a couple of shots. So I'd mix into something that resembled a liquid, but it didn't actually get rid of all the powder. So it's like when you try to eat crackers really fast and he's like cough up powder. Yeah. But also my throat was on fire. Oh, God. It's terrible.

That's releasing vomit. Yeah, it makes me want to die a little just thinking about it. All right, moving on to an actual history question. Who is your favorite Roman emperor and why? Ooh. Okay, can I say? Please.

So, I'm a fan of Gladiator. Oh boy. I love this guy. I fucking love comedists. You know, even if you take away from the fact that Gladiator was not historically accurate. First of all, Gladiator is a great fucking movie. I'm not saying it was bad. I'm just saying they made comedies.

Everybody knows the soundtrack is when you go to the field and you listen to the soundtrack in your head of you back home in a better place you want to die yeah i need to die and go back to the elysian fields um i remember gladiator as uh a really good movie obviously but also like they made commodus way more cartoonishly evil like to include like facial expressions they also made him good at fighting and he i mean they did make it pretty obvious he rigged all of his fights oh yeah like they stabbed russell crone this i'm spoiler alert it's 20 years old i don't give a shit but uh yeah they murked him for that's how like gladiators were not allowed to actually fight him in the arena which is what makes it so funny because imagine all the i mean because gladiators for trying to fight for the freedom and fight for other things. And people thought

they're watching like actual entertainment. And then it turns out they're just watching boxing effectively where everything's fucking rigged. Dude, honest...

Okay, so yeah. He thought... I guess he fucking thought he was hot shit winning his fights, obviously. You know, they're fixed. Rigged fights, yeah. Yeah.

Like, he's the emperor. Obviously, you can't beat him. I think he like sicked animals on people and shit too I don't remember that part but yeah he had this thing called the plebeian games where he would shoot javelins and arrows at animals just for fun in the morning I'm assuming they were like chained down

they probably were honestly oh look it's a tiger the motherfucker has no teeth just fucking declawed this is no match get out of here fuzzy paws or the motherfucker has no teeth? Just fucking declawed. This is no match. Get out of here, fuzzy paws. In the afternoon, he would do his gladiator games where he would take part in

and obviously fucking win. Yeah. But, and this took place the same year he actually was assassinated. How do you get assassinated? It's honestly great. So,

at first they were trying to poison this guy. But he probably had like a poison taste or something he's an emperor no he fucking vomited the food out obviously the poison taste is terrible to the point where he was like it didn't work imagine how disheartening that has to be as an assassin like haha he ate it and he's like no thank you

he's like oh fuck that worked fuck so they sent in a fucking wrestler to go strangle him while he's taking a bath in the tub like triple H coming into your imagine like Abraham Lincoln is

assassinated but instead of like Booth shooting him he's sitting in the balcony the door kicks open behind him and it's like whoa it's the big show. And he just gets fucking chokeslammed to death. Off the fucking balcony? Someone in the back goes, off the top rope.

And then just Lincoln's dead. Oh, God. But yeah, Commodus is definitely my favorite. What's Stone Cold doing these days? He definitely did. Stone Cold Stunner the president. He did. What's Stone Cold doing these days? He definitely did Stone Cold stunner the president. He did. He actually Stone Cold stunner. He's the only one.

No, he's not. Does Stone Cold stunner the president? Well, he is the only one who does that. But he also stunnered like 25% of the cabinet because Vince McMahon's wife was part of the government for a little while. She was the head of like the small business bureau. Yeah, and he stunnered her like more than once. That's very true. I didn't know she was a part of the government for a little while. She was the head of the small business bureau. He's done her hair more than once. That's very true. I didn't know she was a part of the government, though. Most people would just like to

blank that part out. I just thought she was married to fucking... That's how she got the job. WWF donated millions of dollars to her. Holy shit. Okay. That's how the government works. Mine has to be Caligula.

And I feel like I need to point out here, he's a favorite as much as like, you have your favorite supervillain. It's not because you enjoy what he was doing. The villain from Patriot is my favorite. No, I fucking hate that. Caligula is my favorite. Three off.

Because he is someone that seemingly can only exist in fiction, but he actually existed. And they made a movie about his life that was starring Malcolm McDowell in showing my age here. Malcolm McDowell is the guy from The Clockwork Orange. The guy who did an incredibly terrifying rape scene, murdered people, shit like that. They looked at that like he'd make a perfect caligula they didn't i'm still lost on the fact where is this movie which one caligula yes you can it's probably an amazon prime um what's it called it's just called caligula i think or the madness of caligula or something but it's literally a soft core porn. Like all my favorite category,

because that's what Caligula did. Like, before we get to the fucking part, and there's plenty of fucking, um, but soft. At one point he got upset at the ocean, declared war on Neptune,

God of the sea, and deployed soldiers to stab the water. How long did that war go on? I don't know, but like eventually he declared victory. I hope he dressed up as Aquaman. The Roman army at the time kind of

functioned off loot. People got salary, but it was pretty low and they just assumed that you'd take war booty home. And he told them to take seashells as war booty. I was about to say, look at all the shells I got yeah you had to think to be that ridiculous that's just who he was i can make a bikini there's big dick energy and

then there's fucking big caligula energy and like after that he literally had sex with most of his family that was still alive uh to include his sister who had a particular fondness for um he held huge dinners where he invited every important person in Rome and then would kind of swoon their wives into having sex with him in the next room. He probably raped him.

He was probably just a rapist. He wasn't charming? I assume you don't have to when you're the fucking emperor of Rome. Like, if you don't have sex with me, I'll kill everybody you love. So he did that. And then he went back out to the party after he was done. And then would shit talk their sexual prowess to their partner. To their face.

And then at one point, he just demanded everybody call him Jupiter. Because he's God now. He's God. Jupiter was a Roman God. And now he is also him. And he just built a giant statue of himself as Jupiter. What is he posing? How is he posing? Jupiteresque.

I don't know. I don't know. Now, there is a mostly not true, but kind of true legend about him making his horse a senator. That's great. Now, people aren't sure if he actually did this or if he just did it to insult the Senate and then never actually sat the horse in the Senate. But what is true is his horse had a golden home to live in.

My Roman leader would have killed your horse. Caligula would probably fuck your horse. Ooh. And then insult you about the horse's sexual prowess. Your horse dick isn't big. Your horse fucks like a pussy. And you can't do that in Washington State anymore because somebody died fucking a horse. Fun fact. That's a true story.

I believe it. There's a video. Yeah, okay. Are we watching that later? No. Absolutely not. You don't have to nod yes to me. No.

Maybe later. Now, obviously, I don't condone bestiality and rape and murder. This show is really sad. That is a lot of satire. But he's just so nuts. He shouldn't actually exist. and he was eventually killed by his own bodyguards for because even though the wrestler no no it's the praetorian guard um who just kind of did that all the time i thought sean michaels fucking sweet chin music now i think caligula was

killed by uh the the praetorian guard i might be wrong but he was eventually murdered because of course he fucking was he went on you can't do that forever someone not kill you yeah so he went on his last ride the undertaker he did it caligula sitting down picturing himself to uh as as you know neptune or fucking jupiter and then you hear the the american badass version of the undertaker when he comes out to Kid Rock? Oh, no. The worst one? That one's fucking so Michigan. No, he wasn't. Oh, my God. He wasn't.

Because, first of all, Mark Calloway is from Texas, so don't go fuck yourself. No. And that was when The Undertaker was like 60 goddamn years old and 30 pounds overweight and could barely walk.

And he just limps out to the rain. Oh, it's so bad. It's great. It's terrible. It's perfectly bad i hated it oh it wasn't good next question uh what animal would most fuck up a modern human army obviously we have to cover this one because we talked about the emu war right so i feel like emus don't have the edge anymore i still feel like they do i mean the australian army for sure but uh i mean if

because now i'm pretty sure emu's that number of people, but they probably don't. I don't know. Sheep do. In Australia, yes. I mean, it depends on what... The shadow emu government... I think everything... Just venomous creatures. I think everything that

can kill a human in Australia outnumbers Australians. I mean, Australia just kills a lot of people. The land itself. I'm going to go with bears since we can't pick emus. And there's a reason for that. I can agree with that. It's already been

proven that bears can be trained to conduct military operations. We talked about that with Bojtech. It can happen. They can hold their liquor pretty good too. Yeah, they can get drunk, chain smoke, and they're going to fire artillery and eat it. And it's a bear. And they could definitely carry more than us, so imagine the workload

that they can do in a day. What's your choice? Ooh, that's a really good one. Can I go with a combo? Or do I only have to pick one? A combo? Yeah, like a bear emu. Oh, like a bear emu alliance? Yeah, they'd be fucked.

Now, if we could train the bears to ride the emus. That would be really hard for the emus. I mean, in Russia they train... How strong are they? Probably not strong enough to hold a bear. Yeah, so... In Russia they teach bears how to ride horses. Exoskeleton suits for the emus.

Wait, wait, I got a better idea. Bears and Gundams. Fuck yeah. All all right that's it we are picking bears in gundams as our um can the bears have exoskeletons that's the gundam it's not like an evangelion oh okay that would be depressing yeah we don't want to wish that upon our bear friends and they just have to be angsty teens oh So, Bear Gundams, we're in agreement there. Yes, I like that one. Japan, get to work on that.

Mary Fuck Kill, Luigi Cadorna, Sir Douglas Hague, and Henry Wurtz. So, for people who are unaware who Henry Wurtz was, he was the camp commandant of the Andersonville Prison Camp in the Confederacy of the United States. So, I'm killing him immediately. I'm definitely killing Henry Wurtz. Hague? See, that's the problem with this answer. of the United States. So I'm killing him. Immediately. I'm definitely killing Henry Vertz. Haig. See, that's the problem

with this answer. Then we have to let one of the other two live. No, this is... Okay, so check this out. Here's how they do this. Can I kill my spouse? That, I can't.

That's against the rules. Yeah. Come on. You already know. Can I kill myself? No. Maybe later. Fine.

You have to choose still. So, killing this guy. Fuck him. Hague. First of all, he made his guys walk slowly through the kill zone, you know? He's a boring fuck. Sir Douglas Hague doesn't fuck. No, he's a love fuck.

He's going to want to love. Oh, so yeah, like I said, boring. Exactly. Sometimes you want the love. He wants to make eye contact and shit. Sometimes you want to cuddle. Have that little... Also, he's royal.

Well, he's not royalty. He's a baron, right? Yeah, he is. Baron. Cadorna. Yeah. He's going to want to go in multiple times. He's not going to want to stop.

Exactly. He's going to go five, six, seven... Maybe even 12. Eight, 12 times? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a low-life flirt. That's a fuck right there. Yeah. At the end, yeah. That's a low-life flu.

At the end, the skin is just spongy and bruised. Tender. Somehow, you'll fuck 12 times, but never cum. You'll never succeed. Okay. I like that one. So, yeah. We're in agreeance on this one.

And then after that, I'm going to strangle him. Because that's not what I'm into. But I feel like I'm doing the world a favor. I like that. Yeah. Yes. Who would you rather cosplay as? Would he leave traces of marinara sauce on us?

He would. Snap like a breadstick. Yeah, he would. He couldn't give you a hand job because his hands are locked in the Italian hand pointing. That'd be a tight hand job. Oh, God. All right. Moving on to the next one before Nate fires us.

Who'd you rather cosplay as? A Confederate soldier or a Navy SEAL? I'm going to have to go with the Navy SEAL. I'm going to have to go with the Navy SEAL, too. Just because at least my war crimes will get a pass. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Nice. Recent joke. It doesn't always have. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Nice.

Recent joke. It doesn't always have to be about history, y'all. I just wanted to do it so I could write a book or have a movie or some shit. The second you throw it on the fucking trident, just like publishers kick open your door and you get a slot on Fox News, you might get elected governor of missouri or senator from

texas eye patch that i have somewhere on the desk yeah put on the eye patch and if you just start screaming racial slurs out of nowhere first of all that eye patch is for archer halloween costume that i still need to do now you can dress up as Dan Crenshaw. I don't want to. And just scream Islamic slurs at people. I don't think I want to. I mean, in Texas, it gets you elected. In Texas, I'd have a great time. Either that or owning other people's property. All right.

How many 12-year-olds could you successfully fight at the same time? Now, I asked them for clearing this up. If it's one at a time in a tournament mode, or successive waves of 12-year-olds. They said either. I like my chances one at a time until I get tired. One at a time, definitely. But then again?

I've seen some big fucking 12-year-olds. Yeah, so have I. I feel like my cardio is better than you. No, it's probably better than 12-year-olds, for sure. Oh, for sure. I don't like my options against a wave. A wave? Ooh, it's probably better than 12-year-olds, for sure. Oh, for sure. I don't like my options against Wave. Wave? Ooh, that'd be tough. Are we talking like...

Okay, we can do both. I'm talking like non-athletic 12-year-olds. I feel like I could just pump them. Maybe an average? Basketball player. They're not super athletic. It's not like a lineman. Or a soccer player.

But even a lineman 12-year true or a soccer player but even a lineman 12 year old is still like who the fuck are you probably still 12 years old but still there's a lot of them they're they just form a line let's say basketball player okay i can take that because i played basketball when i was 12 and i was never fucking string beam i was really tall but gumpy as shit. I played baseball. I like my chances one-on-one. Don't like my chances in the wave. In the wave, I think I'd die.

One, I don't have that good cardio but I'd have better than a 12-year-old but 12 of them, 12 12-year-olds, that's a lot of shit going down. Just tons of tiny fists getting into places that you never thought possible. I wouldn't want to be near that many 12-year-olds at one time by myself. No, if you're around that many 12-year-olds. Because perception is everything.

It's the implication. Ooh, it is. If you're around that many 12-year-olds at once, you probably ran Nick's church when he was a kid. Ooh. More than likely. All right, moving on to our next one. Who is your favorite Medal of Honor recipient and why?

Oh, okay. Mine would have to go definitely World War II. That is your jam. It is my jam. I did fucking cosplay. Yeah, I did cosplay. Whatever, I don't care. I like how in the first couple episodes

you absolutely refused to say that. Yeah, well, I didn't want to be associated with it, but now I just don't. Then you broke down. I don't even care. So mine would have to be Edward Allen Carter Jr. He's my favorite, too. So I picked him because, one, he's an L.A. native. We are from L.A.

Yeah, you had to have solidarity with your worst city comrades. We are the best. No, you're not. I've been to LA. It's awful. You've been there, what, in traffic? I drove through it. Exactly.

It was like 2 a.m., so there was no traffic. Go fuck yourself. And it was just around the outside. Yeah, go fuck yourself. I saw all I needed to see. You didn't see anything. That's why I didn't say it's the worst place on earth. One step above Kabul.

Good job, y'all. That's not good. The roads are worse, though. So this guy, he grew up in India. He later moved to Shanghai, you know, China. While in China, he fucking ran away. What, 1932? Yeah, he ran away in 1932.

He fucking ran away. What, 1932? Yeah, he ran away in 1932, joined the Chinese Nationalist Army fighting against invading Japanese. How old was he? What was he, like 15? He had had to have been. Yeah, he was 15 at the time. So, while doing this at 15, he made his way to Europe, joined the Abraham Lincoln Brigade, which, tell me if I'm wrong, I probably am,

which were like American volunteer fighting group or? It wasn't just Americans. It was mostly English-speaking volunteers, a lot of Canadians, a lot of Americans, a lot of Brits. Yeah, it was not, in the Spanish Civil War, normally you just have the fascist side and the Republican side or the loyalist side, whichever you want to call it. So these guys basically fought against General Francisco Franco's regime. Yeah, he's a gross fascist.

Yeah, fuck that guy. Funny story. Was it him or somebody else that his descendant's house burnt down? What? Yeah. And someone was like, cool. Yeah, fuck him.

Did they try to help him? My house. No, I mean, he's been dead for decades, but it was one of his grandkids or something. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, and I mean, Carter was an avowed socialist, which is kind of a big thing. In most discussions about the Civil War,

it's normally considered leftist versus fascist, which isn't entirely true. And it isn't even entirely true of the Abraham Lincoln brigades. There was a lot of anti-fascists who were not socialists. And there was a lot of anti-fascists who were communists and anarchists. And they just all kind of fought together and it didn't really end up all that great in case anybody remembers how that ended.

He fought there for quite a while. He was like a sergeant or a staff sergeant in the Abraham Lincoln Brigades and he's a fucking teenager. Yeah, he was fucking young as shit. He did a lot of world tours. He was really good at killing fascists.

He was good at skipping across the country at a young age. He's like, must go now. Have to kill fascists somewhere else. What the fuck? My people need me. And he just vanishes like fucking Poochie from The Simpsons. So Carter entered the

army September 26, 1941. He was really the only recruit with combat experience. Yeah, imagine being a private and you're like trying to like, dude, I've literally been fighting for decades. So I guess you could say he stood out in the crowd. A little bit. Yeah. And especially as like a black soldier with combat experience.

Because like black soldiers weren't allowed to be combat soldiers then. So a little less than a year he made a staff sergeant. In a year? That takes what? A decade now? It can. If you're me maybe. So he was a member of a unique

unit at the time which was the 7th Army Infantry Company number one. It's like a provisional unit. Part of the 56th Armored Infantry Battalion. It was like a black combat unit that you could volunteer to join. Yeah, it was basically a colored combat unit, which whites can join if they volunteered for it. We need to point out that colored is their nomenclature at the time,

considered pretty highly racist now. Yes. But we are going off what they called it, and yeah. I'm just happy they didn't call it something worse. Yeah. This is the four days. Yeah. So these provisional companies were basically,

they were started after the Battle of the Bulge. Yeah, they had a lot of holes to fill there. Yeah, they were used basically to augment depleted divisions because it turns out after the Bulge, it was a bad idea holes to fill there. Yeah, they were used basically to augment depleted divisions. Because it turns out after the bulge, it was a bad idea to have them near the front. It turned out that having an entire race of people from the United States that couldn't fight was a really bad idea. Yeah. So.

Some stupid bureaucratic racist bullshit. This really covers the dark time that our country was in. Yeah, thank God racism ended, right, y'all? Yeah. Hasn't happened ever since. America. So, to continue, March 23rd, 1945, Carter would find himself. He was basically riding a tank. I would assume a Sherman, to be

honest. I believe it was, yeah. He came under German anti-tank and small arms fire. He dismounted and led three men across a field. Two men were killed. The third were seriously wounded. Carter would continue on his own. He would sustain five wounds at this time.

And during this time, these eight Germans were like, you know what, hey, let's take this guy. We wounded him. Let's capture him. He looks valuable. Probably wouldn't have been good news being a black soldier being captured by the Germans. Oh, no.

They normally didn't treat them that well. No, they're dicks. Wait, are you telling me the Nazis were racist? Holy fuck. And he worked for racists, too? Double-edged sword. Totally off topic, but I got into an argument.

It was like last year two years ago when um um muhammad ali died because muhammad ali dodged a draft yeah uh well he didn't dodge the draft so much he's like i'm not gonna get fucking drafted and he just said no uh and everyone's like oh he's a fucking traitor and his uh excuses i'm not gonna say the full quote for obvious reasons. It's like, no Vietnamese ever called me the N-word. And why would he volunteer to fight if he couldn't be the same as everybody else? He couldn't drink.

And this is the height of like Jim Crow shit in the 60s and 70s. Like, I can't drink from the same fucking water fountain as you motherfucker. Why am I going to go die fighting in your war? Fuck you. And someone, it was a very, very right-wing person I was explaining it to, was like, shit, that's a good point.

That's awesome. Yeah, that's about as woke as that dude ever got, unfortunately. Do you think he went back to, oh, no, what a fucking traitor. No, he just did the mental gymnastics about him still being subhuman, but also kind of still being right. No. You can't. You can't win them all. No, you can't win any of them with him. Very true. So...

Oh, fucking... So these Germans were like, about eight of them said, hey, let's go get this guy. He seems pretty cool. I want to hang out with him. Yeah. Pretty cool guy. So he killed six of them captured the two those survivors were used as a shield to get across the field while this he's wounded too that's adapting and overcoming it really is listen here french just fucking walk so he got a lot of

good information off these fucking two survivors too so fucking big on him he did holy shit he really did uh so he would uh he was awarded the distinguished uh service cross for his actions what i think is probably would be your favorite is he was uh refused re-enlistment yeah because he's a fucking communist like they they i mean the army knew about his service in abraham lincoln brigades he didn't hide it from them. And it was fine at the time. And then when he came for reenlistment, I think it was like 48 or 49, they're like, nope.

Because, I mean, he was never a full member of the Communist Party, at least from anything I ever read. But he knew a lot of people in it, and they welcomed him home and everything. So, I mean, in the late 1940s and 50s that's a pretty bad thing assume that he had communist connections they didn't even need to assume they could just say it back then i mean this is like you know the the era of like house of un-american activities and blacklisting and things like that and i mean and if he was a white guy he may have gotten away with it but he was a leftist and he was black.

I cannot think of a worse thing to be in 1949 in America. So he ended up dying of lung cancer January 30th in 1963 in UCLA Medical Center. And was buried, I'm probably going to pronounce it wrong. And I'm so, it's in my own city. Do it. Sawtelle National Cemetery in Los Angeles, California. You've probably been there before haven't you i haven't okay but i was lived actually not too far away from it so this was in la and he he was later awarded the medal of honor though it's like 1990 something right posthumously 97 along with with 7 other African American soldiers.

I'm sure it just took that long for their paperwork to get processed. Oh, yeah. It certainly wasn't racism. Definitely not a thing to do with it. That's why I really, really, really, I'm, one of the reasons why I'm losing my hair is like when, I'm sure you've heard it, it's like, I don't see race. Everybody in the army is green.

Like, bitch, tell that to the last hundred years of soldiers, you fucking asshole. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So, yeah, he was later reburied in Arlington Cemetery in 99. But he's specifically my favorite because he's from L.A. I lived close to where he grew up at the time. I think in L.A. also we had, what, 31 or 32 Medal of Honor recipients. And obviously I think it has to do with low income.

We go into the military too. Yeah, yeah. It's not that shocking. Yeah, so I have a lot of pride with my city. I just really like him because he's really good at killing fascists. I like that too. I mean, as anybody who has been listening to this show, we very rarely say, hey, this war

is a really good idea. But you're going to be hard pressed for me to be like, that was a bad idea when it involved shooting a fascist in the face. Good on you, Carter. Good on you, man. Dig him back up. He's got work to do yeah he's great I love him my next one or my favorite

Medal of Honor winner is Roy Benavidez from the Vietnam War the dude who literally would not die and I know about Roy Benavidez he's Hispanic he is I'm not sure he got that idea I hope he doesn't know Spanish too he definitely did

fuck god damn it. I believe his parents were immigrants as well, or he may have been immigrant. I don't remember. But I know about Roy Benavidez because I went to training when I was in the army at Fort Knox for my basic training in tank school. One of the ranges that we went to was the Roy Benavidez range, and it had a huge fucking plaque with this,

with this story on it. And we had nothing else to do, but to stand there and stare, um, while we waited our turn to shoot. So like this one always was really interesting to me. And he's one of the people that not only survived everything, but he kind of openly talked about everything that happened afterwards.

And he had a really twisted, sick sense of humor, which is awesome to me. Um um so it's a story that always stuck with me um but roy benavidez was a medic and he heard while he was back at base that a single patrol about a dozen guys had been ambushed by an entire battalion of north vietnamese soldiers um it's a lot yeah if people don't know what the size of the battalion is, it's significantly more than a dozen people by hundreds. He heard the radio call for help

and jumped on the first helicopter out of the base to reinforce them. He ran to the helicopter so fast the only thing he grabbed was his medic pack and a knife. He jumped off the helicopter and was immediately wounded about a dozen times uh yeah just just walked up with a machine gun uh grenades hit him a dozen times um but that

didn't stop him from attempting to render first aid to multiple wounded people around him but as he got more and more wounded the wounds began to add up those wounds were seven gunshot wounds 28 shrapnel wounds, two bayonet wounds, a totally destroyed right lung, and a concussion from when he was clubbed over the head by an enemy rifle. At one point when he got bayoneted, he snapped the bayonet off the end of the rifle,

pulled it out of him, and bayoneted them back. What? Yeah. I believe that is the most fuck you that's ever happened in human history. So around all of them, he is credited with killing uncountable enemy soldiers and saving at least eight Americans. This happened for six hours.

Six hours, this guy is just... One of the reasons they said that he survived was because he was so dehydrated. He just didn't bleed out. When they found him... That's that Hispanic blood that we have it's thick basically comes out like maple fucking syrup um and one of the so he eventually blacked out from his wounds um so when the vietnamese are finally chased off and reinforcements showed up they took one look at him and he's torn up he He's brown and his features are a bit smudged by just massive blood loss

that they thought he was a Vietnamese soldier and just dumped him in a ditch because they thought he was an enemy dead body until they realized he was American because he told them to go fuck themselves. So they're like, oh shit, he's one of us. So they pulled him back in the helicopter. Holy shit, that Vietnamese guy can really fuck off. That Vietnamese guy can really talk shit. And that wasn't the only time that they would think he was

dead. He got evacuated to the base camp, and medics at the base also thought he was dead, put him in a duffel bag, and then just chucked him aside. That's when one of his friends recognized him and demanded that the medics take another look at him. A doctor came up to him and said,

forget about it, he's dead. How mangled was he? He's pretty fucked up. I recognize those fingers. I mean, he never got hit. He didn't get shot in the face. His friends can still recognize him. After hearing a doctor tell him that he was dead, Roy Benavidez sat up

in his body bag and spat in the doctor's face. He was eventually stabilized, and his commander knew that Roy should get the Medal of Honor immediately, but he was afraid that Roy would die before he actually got it, so he pushed paperwork through for a distinguished service cross instead. When it

became clear that Roy Benavidez was the fucking Highlander, they decided to upgrade it to the Medal of Honor. Roy Benavidez eventually died fucking Highlander. They decided to upgrade it to the Medal of Honor. Roy Benavidez eventually died from cancer, and he is buried at Sam Houston Memorial Cemetery in San Antonio, Texas, the same place where Rich's grandfather is buried, because they had the same job, and they probably worked together. Probably.

Small world. Small Green Beret world in Vietnam, that's for fucking sure. So that's the only thing that uh we'll get hispanics is cancer i can think of a few more things no nothing ever out nothing else yeah we don't like to think about that yeah but uh next question i like yours so our last question on this night is one that has been asked more times than any other question on the list. Nick, tell me the story about your dick tattoo. I knew it was coming. The day would come. I warned you.

The day would come. Today is this day. And it should be known to everybody that I haven't heard the full story yet. I just know you lost a bet. That's very true. What bet did you lose? Clearly, the bet you lost was better than the one I lost. Because all you did was throw up.

Yeah, but what was the bet that you lost? I'm getting there. All right. I like suspense. I feel like it had to be a pretty serious bet. It really wasn't. Because I remember the bet. I just don't remember getting the tattoo.

So, it had to do with hockey. Same as yours. It had to do with the Kings. And them definitely winning. I don't remember what game it was but I was like it wasn't like a finals game or anything it was just a game I was like I guess we were all getting drunk

and I was at my buddy's house and I wanted to watch the Kings game that's not much on a regular season game okay I'm getting there the bet that I made which was agreed upon was okay well if you lose i get a tattoo two uh two tattoos of your choosing you get to pick one of them and i was like all right cool he showed me a bear and i was like i want the bear because one i'm from california i like bears bears are cool it all comes back to bears. It really does. It's a full circle here.

Full circle of bears. And the other one was, I think it was like a fucking grasshopper. It was really weird. It's a weird selection. It's better than a dick. It is. Which, obviously, I got the worst selection. And I was like, cool, I'm getting a fucking bear because my team lost. Whatever. I don't care.

I ended up getting blacked out, drunk as fuck at my boy's place i wake up my buddy's like hey got your tattoo bro and i was like cool thanks bro didn't even check it while i was there probably should have but i was so like out of it where i was like dude i want to go home shower and take a nap yeah i know you probably had that. It's one of those times that you're so drunk, you wear sunglasses, or you're so hungover, you wear sunglasses indoors. Yes.

Yeah. Very. So I was like, dude, I need to go home. At this point also, apparently my shorts turned into short shorts. Sorry, my pants turned into short shorts. Uh-huh. I think I still have them, too. They're like Daisy Dukes.

They're really nice. They're American Eagle. Now they're Daisy Dukes. They're really nice. They're American Eagle. Now they're Daisy Dukes. So, you're wearing... Wait, you made jorts? Apparently, throughout the night. Apparently, I cut them. Didn't know when because I was blacked out.

And I just was like, you know what? I want to wear some fucking shorts. Nobody ever looks cool in jorts. No, I didn't. Because when I woke up and i was like cool i got shorts oh man i was like whatever i'm going home so on the way home i'm driving i look down at my leg i'm like oh there's my tattoo and i kind of lift my short up a little bit and i'm like that's not a bear it could be a fucked up hair dude

I'll tell everybody in detail what it looks like I'm sure pictures will go up too it's gonna be the cover pic of this episode definitely would it have to be censored? no it's not an actual dick it can be

I don't want it to be an actual dick so I was like oh well I got a dick on my leg now. And then I almost got in trouble going to an army school with it. Oh, did you get down and do sit-ups and everybody saw your leg dick? Oh, boy. Our class NCOIC saw it and he's like, is that a dick and balls? I was like, yep. He just giggled and was like, nice.

Nice. And then the, I guess what, because I know everybody here is not in the military. We have these people called sharp reps, which are sexual harassment people, which I guess is HR. Yeah, it's like the Army's version of HR. Because every HR rep I've ever had has always talked about toxic work environment and sexual harassment. That's pretty much it.

So yeah, so the HR guy ended up seeing it while i was doing my sit-ups i had to go to i think third or second day of the school i had to go talk to the first sergeant the commandant of the school about this tattoo that's outstanding and all they told me because i still have plans to get it covered up i haven't figured out what just attach a stick figure to it yeah this motherfucker's hung like a champ that'd be fucking terrible i mean it wouldn't be bad but it's still terrible turned into a sword yeah it'd be awesome it's a dick sword dick spear so they tell me all right well we don't think you're a bad soldier i was like well you don't know me but i agree sure you have heard of me yeah obviously so they're like you

know what just put a band-aid over or wear some longer longer spandex and i was like what okay full like nelly face and your dick tattoo it's covered with a band-aid. So, any time during that time in school, I'd either put a band-aid over it or wore some long spandex. But that's how I got it. And that is the year-long mystery of Nick's dick tattoo.

So, I'll explain it. The tip is a heart. A perfect heart. It is a nice heart. What is a dick other than love? Exactly.

Just the tip. Just the tip. You get love with just the tip. Just the tip. You get love with just the tip. Just the tip. The shaft is, I'll say it, it's about pencil dick shaft. It's kind of small. The balls, yeah. There's like four hairs attached to it?

No, there's two on the inside and then on the outside kind of like danglers. You got four of them that are curly. You should put a hat on it. I don't know. Ooh, a fancy hat. Church it up a bit. Ooh, a Churchill hat. It's your dick racist?

Ooh, a cigar in the tip. Oh. With a whiskey on the side. God, now it's Bill Clinton. God, this is great. Oh, we're doing my cover right now. On air. So, thank you, everybody.

Yeah, really. For sticking with us a year. Thank you. It's been a crazy year. We went from absolutely nothing to thousands of listeners. You guys support the show so much. It's fantastic. And we finally set a Patreon goal, which we never did before,

because we never actually thought anybody would give us money. We're sitting at about $450 a month. Nice. The Patreon goal is if we get to $500, we will try to put out a bonus episode every week rather than every month. So that means you get to deal with my stupid ass twice a week. If that sounds like something you're interested in, support the show on Patreon.

If you want a t-shirt. He's not bad. I could be worse. I deal with him a lot. I'm wearing our awesome new drafty shirt that Francis Horton, the hell of a way to die, designed for us. Just came in the mail today. It looks fucking awesome. I love it.

I love it. Oh, my God. I want the sticker. You can get those on patreon on teespring um and along with everything else we've ever put on there um if you feel like reading a book buy my book citizen of earth uh it's military sci-fi i knew a plug was coming oh it's i'm nothing but a walking book plug at this point got got them bills to pay got them bills to pay baby girl the plugs.

For everybody else, thank you so much. Rate and review us on iTunes. That shit is really important for the few independent, not corporation-owned podcasts out there. Our show will always be free,

so never have to worry about that. I feel like what we do is worth a buck. Please do. Books are getting expensive. I just did like a weird trans-state a guy who

knows a guy hook up to get a book that's out of print from a library in kansas um i was 100 sure i was gonna get scammed but then the book showed up at my house so that's awesome uh but thank you everybody and um we will see you next week with a regularly scheduled episode that is actually depressing not us screaming about stupid things or me and travis making fun of max boot so until next week y'all later