Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *PREVIEW* Pearl Harbor w/ The Worst of All Possible Worlds

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

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Hey everyone, what you're about to listen to is a preview of a bonus episode that is available on our Patreon. If you like this clip, you can grab the whole episode, as well as years of other bonus content, at www.patreon.com slash lions led by donkeys. Because I think that to say that he doesn't have a vision, I think it sort of takes away from the craft of what he is able to do, which is sell you the fact that America is cool and sexy. And, you know, even though we were punched in the gut, it doesn't mean that we can't get revenge. And this country, you know, is birthed by two hayseeds, you know, playing around in an airplane in order to kill the Germans or whatever. And that's, you know, American is apple pie and also deep family trauma, I guess. So at the core of everything, but it's just that he doesn't, he just kind of has the mind of a 14 year old boy and can't really escape that.

So like people are good or they're bad and there really is no in between. Which is interesting because I was about 14 when this movie came out a little bit younger and it still sucked I Remember watching it when it came out, and I was so painfully bored though I did identify with the opening scene of Them hitting their abusive dad with a bit of wood and calling him a dirty German for some reason. That's right Yeah, and then the dad's like don't ever call me a German I thought I thought the Germans in World War one Yeah, just the shit out of your children with the stories of the trenches right right, but it's also like okay

I'm supposed to feel bad for this guy now Immediately like it's like so much of this movie is like what if we had like a full arc over the course of a movie But we did it in three minutes? And then they just did that for three hours with just this huge cast of characters. It's so screenwriting 101, and like when you're doing screenwriting 101 writing, that's best for like a 90 minute, maybe hour 40 movie,

but doing it for a three hour epic just means that you keep running through your ideas too fast. And it's, I mean, it's Randall Wallace. He's one of the, I think, shittiest screenwriters that we have. He did We Were Soldiers before this. Oh, that movie is so bad. Mel Gibson was like, you know,

Platoon's a little too anti-Vietnam. What if we did a Vietnam War movie that was all about how cool we were? What if we made a Vietnam War movie that was all about how cool we were? What if we made a Vietnam War movie that John Wayne would enjoy? Yeah. And a movie that did so bad fact checking that the sergeant major had lied about his entire military career. Oh shit!

That's my favorite part of that whole movie and Hal Moore, the actual Hal Moore, not the Mel Gibson version that probably says a lot of things we can't say on this podcast. Hal Moore also fell for that his whole life. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. It's one of the best parts of that movie is the one that nobody talks about and refuses to acknowledge is that Sergeant Major Plumlee, who was a lying motherfucker.

I should have been tipped off, I think, when John Wayne himself appeared as Genghis Khan in the background of one of the shots. And also died of cancer. And also died of cancer. And Mel Gibson walks up to him and he's just like, you know, wars are terrible. Do you know who starts them? Most of them at least.

You know what kind of person does? But ethnicity? And John Wayne makes eye contact and just nods silently. Yeah. I mean, do a secret pinky shake. Those two guys would have fucking loved each other. They would have. God, absolutely.

They would have explored each other's bodies in the parachute hanger. I mean, speaking of exploring each other's bodies, the thing that really jumped out at me this time was just like how homosexual charged Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck are in this movie in a way that I don't think we talked about in our episode on Pearl Harbor 2 too much

because we were so sort of hoodwinked by the plot, but it's just like. Josh also had to learn that Kate Beckinsale's name was not Kate Beckinsdale. That's right. I only discovered that about what like an hour into our reporting. I love Josh Hartnett. I hope he isn't like a bad person or something. He's really good. He seems nice.

I know he stepped away from acting for a really long time, but this is him and Ben Affleck during this period were like, it's a movie, put him in it. And to the point that you had, you saw them in everything. Like, you know, Hartnett eventually were like, it's a movie, put him in it. And to the point that you had, you saw them in everything. Like, you know, Artneth eventually, I'm pretty sure it's after this, but you know, Blackhawk Down, he's in all these rom-coms and shit. And Ben Affleck is just doing everything because he hadn't quite learned how to act or direct yet. Right, right.

He was still trying to find his niche. He talked about that a lot about how Matt Damon had sort of found his like niche and found the like his art house movies and he was just like, I'm not as good an actor as you. So I have to figure out what my thing is and it took him a very, very long time. But I think he actually eventually found that groove and it was playing a weird newscaster in his now, I guess ex-wife's vanity project on Amazon that I think I'm the only one who watched. Wait, what are you talking about? This is me now, I think is what it's called.

It's a Jennifer Lopez joint and if you have the opportunity to watch it, I would say do so. It is nuts. It is a wild time. Your thesis is that's when he learned how to act? Yes, yes. When did they make this? I think last year, I believe.

He did Gone Girl like 10 years ago, and he was fabulous. I don't know, he was great, I'm kidding. Any movie where he gets to play a mass hole is pretty good. Yes, that's true. I think he's great at good will hunting too. I think the thing that makes, to the extent that anything works in this movie, which is to say very very little, I do think that the casting choice here of Affleck and Hartnett

is nice because like, Affleck is so butch and Hartnett is so femme and they play nicely off of each other in that regard. Yeah. Hartnett is so femme and they play nicely off of each other in that regard. Yeah Yeah, I could see Affleck being framed as the stereotypical Dude, you'd put on my like a recruiting poster for sure, but hard net isn't too far behind either It's not like he he he doesn't look a certain kind of way, but standing next to Affleck. Yeah, I see what you mean Yeah, and it seems like Michael Bay is playing into a lot of sort of that war iconography of like those old timey war movies.

Cause you know, I think Alec Baldwin is in this movie and is the one who is, I think, who understands the assignment of it. Like he's being, he's doing a little bit of a stilted performance as like, you know, the maverick hot shot guy in charge, you know. Well, no, he's the one who calls you a maverick, right? But he's also himself the maverick hotshot guy in charge you you know well no he's the one who calls you a maverick right? He's also himself a maverick, and that's where it gets confusing. You're too damn much of a maverick. You're too much like me

Yeah, the guy and just like well you did at first is like shut up you maverick He actually gets to like tell Ben Affleck that he's going to Top Gun. It's crazy Yeah, he also... You know what's really maverick? Letting me feel inside of you. He like chomps his teeth at one point. Yeah, he just does this thing where he clicks his teeth together. And it's like, it's not even a tick.

He just does it the one time. That feels like the funny take. That's like the goofy take they did at the end of the day, but they kind of kept it in. I was like, I want all the goofy take they did at the end of the day But they kind of kept it in I was like I want all the goofy takes release the goofy cut That was that was the only cut they had where Alec Baldwin didn't accidentally shoot a member of the cast Don't worry lemon the guns not loaded Yeah, the last episode of 30 Rock. He shows his teeth to show that he's afraid. It's fine.

It's a sign of simian aggression. Alec Baldwin showing simian aggression. OK, back away, just back away slowly. Make yourself big and back away slowly from Alec Baldwin. This has that like... Just make your arms really big and back away slowly from Alec Baldwin. This has that like- Just make your arms really big and start hooting at Alec Baldwin until he goes back into the trailer.

This has that like Kenneth Branagh Hamlet thing where it's just like, oh, here's another celebrity to show up and save five lines. So you get like Mako as Yamamoto, you get Alec Baldwin, you get Colm Fior as Admiral Husband Kimmel. That's right I forgot again that Dan Aykroyd shows up Shows up to play the most Dan Aykroyd part ever and that is feeding into the conspiracy theory that the US New Pearl Harbor was

coming yeah conspiracy theory that the US knew Pearl Harbor was coming. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. And Tom Sise was in it for all of five minutes to call everybody like, come on, you ladies, get your, get the ammo in the back of the Jeep with his weird flipped up flat bill cap. Yeah. And then, oh, and then Michael Shannon. Yep. You're just like, yeah, it's always funny to watch like an old 90s movie and have one of the like biggest weirdo show up like Philip Seymour Hoffman and twister. It was like oh, I wasn't expecting that fuck. He isn't with their

Zone Young Michael Shannon was a very strange thing to look at I will say like yeah Well because he's always kind of looked 45, is the thing. And as somebody who has also always kind of looked 45, like I vibe with that. But it is, yeah, he's also kind of playing the comic relief here, but not really, because he's not given enough screen time

to be like a consistent comic relief. Yeah, there's no space for him, yeah. I think to the point of comic relief, that's another thing about this movie. Michael Bay doesn't seem to know what humor is Or at least in this movie. I I see it. I'm not in Transformers certainly, but like oh come on You didn't laugh when that transformer made peepee on John Turturro I I did I did laugh when the voice of SpongeBob did do that horrible voice. Wait, what?

Tom Kenny is in Transformers? Tom Kenny is in Transformers and does a black voice? Is the only way to describe it? He's doing the black scent the whole time. I didn't realize that was Tom Kenny. Yeah, it sucks. It really sucks. Those movies suck.