Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *PREVIEW* The Battle of New Market LIVE FROM THE HAGUE

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

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Hey everyone, what you're about to listen to is a preview of a bonus episode that is available on our Patreon. If you like this clip, you can grab the whole episode as well as years of other bonus content at www.patreon.com Slash lions led by donkeys. Lincoln, Lincoln knew he had to keep the Germans happy because they were all hardcore abolitionists, which makes them hardcore Lincolnites. And they knew that they kept promoting the one weird German guy who was in the staff position in the army. There'd be a never-ending flood of German volunteers for the Union war effort on top

of securing his re-election campaign, which, to make a very long story short, Lincoln did not think he was going to win his next term in office. He was almost certain he was going to lose, and he was convinced, if I'm going to win his next term in office. He was almost certain he was going to lose, and he was convinced, if I'm going to win, it's gonna be given to me by Germans again. So keep giving Siegel a job. So these people kept flooding recruitment offices, and it was a big deal.

Siegel was a fucking celebrity to the German immigrants, to the point there was a song. I go fight Mitzigal. And I swear to God this is true. This is written in what I have termed as germlish. And in case you're wondering what this song sounds like, Nate will perform it for us. What?

What? What? What? I'm not really gonna sing so much as the, perform the German tradition of Sprechgesang here because I have no idea what the tune of this is supposed to be. And the best way I could describe this as a German speaker is this is written as if to be racist against Germans, but like not in a funny way.

So it's in a way you're sort of like, what English word is this supposed to be? Wait Nate, give me a cadence and I'll keep you on rhythm. Are you going to beatbox this song? I don't know if they would understand it but I've come just to tell you how I go with regimentals to slough them those of liberty like them old continentals what fights with England long ago to save the Yankee eagle oh now I get my soldier clothes I'm going to fight with seagull I get signed Tom big rifle guns and put him to my shoulder. They march so bold like a jack horse and race on Tompkins boulder.

I go up with the volunteers to save their Yankee eagle. To give them rebel fellas fits, I go to fight Mitz Eagle. I bet you guys didn't think you were going to get a Johannes Vonk in the clog heads performance today. I just want to know about that Yeah, I just got to ask before we continue. Are there any German queers around here any of my fellow? Did that sound like playing the sims in German? There we go, there we go But it's the thing is that like reading it

I'm just sort of like but what what is this supposed to sound like because it's the thing is that like, reading it, I'm just sort of like, but what is this supposed to sound like? Because it's obviously written in English, but it's just sort of like, I don't recall Germans saying the word justice, schust for example. It's just sort of like 19th century weird, pickled racism, I guess.

Like America specializes in that. We actually got it from Germany, but we made it our own. Hey, it worked? Everyone got a nice sing-song. I mean I do like the idea that this guy is constantly losing and getting people killed in combat and that can't be that much of a secret but that all these German immigrants like yeah but he keeps getting promoted like the idea of him is really great it's like we don't really have a lot of friends coming back from his unit but see that's what keeps retention high because you don't have to

worry about them not reenlisting. They got their one term and now they've been churned to pasta sauce. But it's also sort of like, it sounds like they're describing the German immigrant community as sort of like the dwarves in an alliance in Lord of the Rings or something. No, elder scrolls. It's elder scrolls. Gotta keep them happy, you know? Gotta keep promoting this one guy.

So Lincoln directed the army to, regardless of his performance, gotta keep promoting this one guy. So Lincoln directed the army to regardless of his performance to keep promoting Siegel. The army got around his lack of actual skill by keeping him under the close watch of someone who actually knew how to do their job. But even that wasn't always enough because he was a general and he had his hands in something and everything he touched turned to shit. Also as well Joe before you go on, I just wanna say that everyone in this room is now on a list for clapping along

to someone singing in German at a private event. I would not go so far as to call that German, all right? Let's be honest here. That was like the secret Walt Disney races cartoon songs they absolutely will not release. It's like, it's that last single sale of Steamboat Willie where he does a Z coil. Every single person who actually heard this song,

sung who wasn't German, became a member of the Ku Klux Klan basically. Now we're just getting into Indiana history. Yeah, I mean, to be honest with you. It makes you feel any better. You're not the only person from Indiana here today. Really? Who we got? All right, cool, yeah. Respect. I'm glad you made it out of Indiana. We all celebrate each other's successes in that regard.

My question is why? Have you ever been to Indiana? Well, I was about to say- Why the Netherlands? Yeah. I was like, no, that's a security risk. Do not tell us. It's the same reason why I moved to the Hague. Everybody kept saying I needed to come here anyway. Exactly, they're like, these guys should all belong

in the Hague, and it's like, well, you know what, you got what you asked for. So his reputation eventually became that of a complete failure, not only in the Union Army, but to the Confederates. They would hear, oh, who's the general on the other side? They'd feel it, it's Siegel, like, oh, thank God. They would relax when they found out that he was on the other side.

And virtually every general posted above him to effectively be his babysitter hated his guts. And it wasn't just because he was bad at his job. He was a fucking prick. Can you imagine though if you were a Union general in the Civil War and that you basically have Tom Hanks' character in Big as one of your colleagues. But everywhere he marches, his soldiers are constantly dying

and instead of playing the normal regimental song, he goes here, Ra, Ra, Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen. And every time someone confronted him like, hey man, have you considered not feeding your men into a woodchipper? He would explain like, no, you don't understand. My German military education makes me better than you.

But we won, and you fucking lost again. Like, you're looking at it differently. I see it. I'm sorry you feel that way. Once again, another German immigrant prefiguring Thomas Binchon's Gravity Rainbow of the Germans love militaristic pain.

His soldiers loved him to be fair. I mean, that's kind of indisputable, but at the same time though, it's like this being the Union Army, you sort of think that people, some of the sort of like, you know, private Joe Grubbs from Missouri writing home, they're like, can we please get someone who's not insane as our commander? Like at some point there's going to reach a breakage. Dearest mother, could you please mail me an English to German dictionary? I cannot understand my commander. Dear mother, dear mama, night 17 of Spatsel. Eventually I might come to like it. But right

now it tastes like the worst thing I've ever had. Yeah, see the real intrusive thought I'm having now is just imagining German Yukio Mishima. I feel like the German Japanese handshake is strong enough as is in terms of weird cultural things. Just like someone like to be fair there is definitely a lot of guys in Germany who will get kicked until they come. Genuinely speaking like if he found the political clause he was willing to do it for Thomas Mann absolutely would have gotten beheaded by his fucking hot twink retainer, okay? So like, don't get too far down the road

of saying they're that different. So eventually, sick of all this bullshit, General Ulysses Grant kind of puts him in exile. He puts him behind a desk somewhere to do something unimportant, like filing paperwork, though eventually he has to be put in charge of logistics, but again, far in the back logistics. He's like, yeah, you're doing a good job, buddy. It's the participation trophy for an officer. Like, you get your salary, you get to wear your

general's uniform, but nothing you do matters. I mean, what is the most appropriate duty to give to a German than like, go in this room and like count all the needles in the needle stack they will do with joy they're just like who here has seen smiling friends no one has seen smiling friends back at the bar thank you know the scene when Alan is counting the paper clips that is the most German thing ever it's like one two three four five six seven I was like someone stole my paper clip yeah but in this case he would do all the paperwork in German and turn into like Clayden the Hoyt's Berg from fucking, Indiana I'm like

Thanks. I'm also wondering like having to translate stuff like hardtack and salt beef You know into the appropriate Prussian military terms like yeah this guy I mean in a way you feel bad for him But then you realize that he's got like probably one of the higher body counts of the Civil War, but not in the normal way. You have any idea how many men I've killed? No, not Confederates. Now, this is where he was almost certainly gonna stay until Lincoln had to get involved again.

It was 1864, and like I already explained, he thought he was gonna lose reelection, so he's like, we have to put our big German boy on display. General Grant, you have to give him a very public, important position so everybody can see him and all of his German buddies in the army can see him. This is the last time the Germans were a very solid voting block in the US. But I'm also imagining that you have to appease the sort of German mafia of the US military. It's just, well, I mean, they also call that Operation Paperclip, but it's a whole different thing.

Yeah. Before all you had to do was like give each of them a very large pretzel. And now it's like, oh, now I'm giving you amnesty so you don't have to go to Argentina. You know, maybe the weather of the Midwest is nicer for them. I don't know. So yeah, the grant gives them a position. And this is during the Shenandoah Valley campaign, which is a very large advance on the Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia. And the valley is so important because it is known as the breadbasket of the Confederacy, which is on the low, one of the worst compliments any area could be given.

Now, Grant obviously was powerless to tell the President no, because what the fuck, can you what this guy is being forced. He's kind of his boss He does have to come to do he says yeah when top hat man talks you listen. That's the way it works I have no choice like how big his head is also if you don't listen to Lincoln. He could whoop your ass He was an undefeated professional wrestler. Just Lincoln breaking down in some capo era He's a back heel if you don't listen to Lincoln he will hit you with the one wing an angel and you're fucking done but he found a loophole he wouldn't put him in indirect command of war fighting instead he gave him an administrative and logistical support role under a general name name alert here, Edward

Ortho-cressip Ord. Wait, is that who Fort Ord is named after? Yeah. Oh wow, okay. There's a reason why they didn't go with Fort Cressip. Cressip, yeah, Ortho-cressip. Ortho-cressip sounds like like a really really niche kind of surgery that only gets performed by people with degrees in like healing crystals.