Locked In with Ian Bick - A Wild Journey Through Addiction, Police Confrontations & Jail | Olivia Riche

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Olivia Riche courageously opens up about her personal journey battling addiction, recounting the challenging lows she encountered, including some captivating and enlightening anecdotes. Olivia will also inspire us with her triumphant story of overcoming adversity, transforming her life, and carving out a brighter future. Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Connect with Olivia Riche: https://www.instagram.com/oliviaariche?igsh=MWFvYzZ5bTN0NDMxcQ== Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Buy Merch: https://lockedinbrand.com Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:34 - Childhood 00:09:09 - Effects 00:13:42 - Partner in Crime with Dad 00:18:28 - Trouble with the Law 00:23:31 - Two Weeks in County Jail 00:28:26 - From Jail to Rehab 00:33:23 - The Chaotic Florida Era 00:38:24 - Path to Recovery 00:43:50 - Overcoming Chaos 00:48:41 - Grateful for the Journey to Recovery 00:53:29 - Overcoming Fear of Judgment and Ostracization 00:57:59 - A Different Kind of Power Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Lots of places can expose you to identity theft. Oh, no. That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity, which is way more than anyone can do on their own. If we find anything suspicious, like new loans or changes to your financial accounts, we alert you right away all through text, phone, email, or the LifeLock app. Get the alerts that could make all the difference. Save up to 30% your first year at LifeLock.com slash podcast.

Terms apply. At Hyundai of Glendale lease a new 2026 Hyundai Tucson SC Front Wheel Drive for 269 a month plus tax for 36 months with owner's assurance in America's best warranty 10 year 100,000 miles. Stop by Hyundai of Glendale today or Hyundai of Glendale.com. 36 month lease, 4,49 to its signing. Tax title license and dock fees extra plus government fees and taxes. 7,500 miles per year expires 6126. Who available at this payment?

PH 71529, PH7159. There was times I was sitting in my bedroom and two NARCs walked into my bedroom. My mom knew the chief of police and I think she was just desperate. And the NARCs knew me anyway and they just walked into my bedroom. Two of them were like, we see you driving around with anybody. You're stopped. Give me what you have right now. Kind of made it like they were going to guide me.

It was a weird situation and there was other times they wanted me to do. controlled buys. On today's episode, we are joined by Olivia Rich from New Jersey. She will courageously open up about her personal journey battling addiction, recounting the challenging lows she encountered, including some captivating and enlightening anecdotes. Olivia will also inspire us with her triumph and story of overcoming adversity, transforming her life, and carving out a brighter future.

If you enjoy the locked-in podcast, remember to leave us a review on Apple or Spotify, and subscribe to the Ian Bick YouTube channel and share your favorite episode of Locked In on social media. Remember, guys, we're pumping out three episodes a week, and I'm so excited to take this journey with you. Now sit back, relax, and get ready to lock in with Olivia Rich. Olivia, welcome to Locked in. Hi, thanks for having me.

Yeah, thanks for coming. You came to us from New Jersey? Yes. Cool. How long was our ride from New Jersey? Not even two hours. It's not bad at all. Yeah, we get a lot of people that reach out to us from like the New Jersey.

Jersey area. Yeah. Because we're so close. We used to be in Hyde Park, New York, and now we moved out here, and Danbury, Richfield is kind of, not far. It's like centralized. Yeah, no, it's not bad at all. So it's pretty close. And you were just telling me that you stumbled across us through like a TikTok or a... Yeah, I had listened to one of your episodes about a school shooter. And I didn't even realize it was you until I saw your TikTok, I think, with him. And I was like, oh, I'm always fascinated by that kind of stuff, interviewing people. Was that the one that I posted like a couple months ago? Yeah, it was old.

Yeah, I had reposted like a bunch of clips. Yeah. The production quality wasn't that good and it wasn't this setting. We just moved into this in like September and we got like the new chairs. Even like this backdrops new. You're like the second episode. Really? We recorded with us.

No, it's so cool out there. You're doing good. Thank you. Yeah. And we got like the screen. I just put this together yesterday. Like the screen in here. We're trying to like make it all professional.

It's so official. I love it. Yeah. not like some me and my parents' basement. Sometimes I'll have people like, are we going to like your parents' house or something? People will come and think, this is like a basement because they see like the staircase and whatnot, but it's literally... No, it's official. You got a real studio up in here.

Yeah, so you have an interesting story. You're not like some of our guests that have been to prison. Right. I know you are hoping that none of our viewers come after you for that. Tiny jail bid. Not that exciting. I mean, it's something, you know, you got the experience. But we do have a lot of people that have battled through addiction and have overcome it and come on to share their story.

And that's what this podcast is all about. Yeah, I appreciate the platform. I think it's something that needs to be talked about. Absolutely. I think it's incredibly prevalent. And it's something very important. And people need to see the other side of addiction. Something I'm passionate about.

I think society is real quick to look at an addict and judge and be biased. And then when you see somebody that's been through it and now they're like a productive member of society, I think it could help change people's minds when they see somebody, you know, in the grips of it. Yeah, people are very quick to write someone off because of a felony or because they had drug history. And that's why when you put like the checkboxes on like an application or something and people get turned off by that, which is why we need to completely get rid of that to begin with. I agree. Some of the best people I've ever met have been drug addicts.

Yeah. My whole circle is like people that have battled addiction and wanted to prison. but they're like some of the most hardworking put together people I've ever met. Like if I met you on the street, I would never be able to tell that you were a drug user before. Thank you. Yeah. So let's take it from the top of your story. Where are you from?

Where do you grow up? What was like childhood like for you? I grew up in central New Jersey, suburb middle class, lower middle class family. My childhood was regular in the beginning. I have a mom and a dad. My dad was a garbage man. My mom did retail. So my dad was home most of the time. He was like our guy, the fun dad, did all these things with us. I played sports. I was good at softball. I had a very regular childhood for a small period of time. My parents got divorced when I was eight. And I don't think that's a cop out or an excuse for anything because it's not something crazy. I don't have like this crazy traumatic event. But it did begin to unravel the truth behind why they got divorced. My dad is one of nine. Addiction is rampant in my family. One grandparent on each side of the family died from alcoholism. My dad's one of nine and several of them are addicts. And I didn't really

realize what was going on. I had like the sit down of it's not your fault, but we're getting divorced. And then from there, it all started to come together like why and when it really started to affect me and my brother. What parent were you closer to? I was definitely closer to. my dad, full-blown daddy's girl. He was an amazing dad. And I think that's what makes it so much more, what made it so much more difficult when everything started to come apart. And looking back on it now and knowing like how other people's childhoods come from, even like listening to the show, you know, like a divorce is very traumatic, especially at that age. Right. It definitely is. I just don't want to be the person that's like, my parents got divorced. So I did drugs because that, you know, there's no

excuse for anything, but it did start to change my life, for sure. So you would say that's like a stepping stone to the path that you would later go down. Right. And maybe if it was divorced just because they didn't like each other anymore, not because if my mom didn't divorce him, we would lose the house because he was in debt to banks, bookies, you know, full-blown gambling addiction. He disappeared for a while. I remember we would talk to him on the phone and it later was because he was in rehabs. He stopped being welcome in my house because when he did come in my house, he would just search through my mom's things and be like, this is where her child support money is going. And it was just very toxic. And the lying on his end got worse. I watched my little brother

sit there, like, waiting for him to get picked up because my dad was supposed to come and, like, he would never come, like, excuses. I stopped wanting to be around him. So I went from, like, one extreme to the other, full-blown daddy's girl to, like, I want nothing to do with him. because he had like the divorced dad apartment, like just a couch, like kind of apartment. And I had like a home and a house. And like I felt very out of place when I was in these spaces. And I started to notice the behaviors and like what he was doing. And it just all changed from there.

How would you have compared yourself to like your friend group? Or if your friends are here right now, what would they say about you? How would they describe you? I think they would say I was, I mean, I had a good friend group. I think we all had our own situations. a couple of them had divorced parents, but I think they would agree that my dad was definitely a character and they began to see like the issues that went on.

So I don't think they would say anything bad. I hope not. I was pretty regular for a while until I wasn't. And then I was ostracized, which I understand why. So yeah. Did you ever wish that you had maybe more of a normal family when your parents were going through that divorce? Till this day, I wish I had more of a normal family.

But, you know, I have to kind of look at it now. Or I choose to look at it now, I was like, thank God for what happened to me and how it went down because I wouldn't be where I'm at today. So I am able to have that perspective. So they get divorced. How did things start to unravel next? I just knew the dysfunction. My dad was just out of the picture. My choice. I didn't want to be around him. I remember walking home from school with my friends and he rolls up in like an oldsmobile that's like falling apart. And I just was like, hi, I just was like, hi, go away, you know. and my friends will tell you now, like, they said, who is that?

And I was like, I'm just some guy. Like, I just had to distance myself from that. So I tried to keep up with as normal as I could. And I never really understood how directly affected I was by it until I got older because I used to say, like, I don't care about my dad. It doesn't bother me. And I really thought that, you know, until my own addiction took off. So you really went from someone that was like a full-blown daddy girl

to you wanted nothing to do with him in a short span of time. Yeah, I wasn't dumb. I saw it right through it. Even at that age? Yeah. How was your brother in this situation towards him?

He definitely handled it differently. My brother's not an addict. He didn't even drink until he was 21, but he was definitely upset and affected by it. He won't talk to him to this day. Like my dad was the type of guy that would bring us to liquor stores. Liquor stores knew me.

Would buy massive amounts of lottery tickets and have us sitting there and be like, I'm going to, when I hit this, you're going to get, you're going to get a brand new car and just like all these empty promises constantly and very irrational. And you think you knew what exactly was going on even at that age? I definitely started to because I would ask questions and I could also see it. And I also knew the lies because I was lied to, always. So I definitely grew a huge distrust in other people.

And it caused me to be hyper independent and I'm still like that. Like, I'll figure it out. I'll take care of. it. Rely on nobody because, you know, I learned that that wasn't going to happen. My mom did the best she could with what she had. Like I said, she worked a retail job. She did the best with, you know, like that she could, but she dealt with her own mental illness and, you know, it was just hard for her to deal with as well. Would you ever ask like your mom questions about your dad? Oh, absolutely, yeah. She always tried to guard us from it as much as she could.

She never badmouthed him. She didn't try to pit us against him at all. But, I mean, a spade to call a spade a spade. It was so obvious that, like, he was the brunt of the issue. Do you think if you weren't allowed to see him or allowed to be around him, it would have turned out differently at all? I probably just would have been resentful and wondered why. But I'm glad that I was able to make that decision on my own,

and no one forced me to, like, spend weekends with him. He didn't push it either because I know sometimes, court could do that. Like, you have to go with your other parent. Like, luckily, I wasn't in that position. Did you end up going to college? Eventually. I'm in college again. Okay. We'll get there. So, um, you didn't go to college right away. Did you finish high school at that time? Oh, I was in rehabs. Really? Yeah, my, I was in rehab from my high school graduation. My first detox, I was 16. I was in detox five times when I was 16, adolescent detoxes. Which substance were you using at that At that point was blues, oxies.

When was the first time you used oxy? So starting from the first time I drank at 14, I knew there was something different about me and my friends. Because I was like, it'd be like Sunday night. It'd be like, where are we going to get alcohol for Friday? And they'd be like, we don't have to drink every weekend. And I was like, yeah, you're right. But inside, I was like, no, we absolutely have to. What's the alternative?

Like, I loved it. Like, getting drunk or high or anything, my social anxiety was gone. my feelings of being different were gone. The immediate use of a substance, alcohol. I always say if heroin didn't exist, I'd be an alcoholic. I think heroin just sped up the process because my behavior from putting a substance to my body was absolutely different than other people's when I first started.

And, you know, drinking a lot at a young age put me in, like, the party crew. So we were all getting drunk. And then with the party crew came the people on the outskirts that would attempt other drugs. And I was always the first to volunteer. I was down for anything. So when Blues came on the scene, I remember my friend had gotten them and we split it. And it was like a Friday night football game activity.

So Friday night football game, Blues turned into Friday Saturday. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all of a sudden, seven days a week. Now I'm in high school with a full-blown opiate addiction. Second, I put in my body, I swear, like, it was like heaven opened it up. I was like, this is it. This is the answer. I'm not depressed. I'm not anxious.

I'm not worried about anything. and I think it happened, I'd be fine. Like, that's the way it felt. And I really thought it was a solution, and it was until it ended up being the problem. So do you think pain and, like, trauma is definitely a, it goes hand in hand with addiction? Like, if you didn't have that pain and trauma, you never might have gotten even addicted to begin with? I think there is a genetic component. I think the way I reacted to a substance, like I said, was different.

And I don't know if that's because of what I was feeling inside, that it allows, allowed me to feel free. So I don't, I don't know. I think there's definitely a genetic component and I think there's definitely a trauma aspect as well. Now, what about the financial aspect of this? Where are kids getting the money for this? Because when I was in high school, I don't think we were doing oxy or at least a people that were around me and that's expensive, right? 25 a pill. And then when you're doing five in a clip, it's a lot of money. So I stole, you know, and I can say that today. I don't feel good about it.

I stole gold for my family. I stole money. I had savings bonds. I had my own gold. I had my savings account. I always worked. If it wasn't tied down, it was getting pawned. I had nothing.

And then a big component of this is, so I had no relationship with my dad for, like, eight, let's say from eight to 10 to like 16. So I was in and out of detoxes. Um, fun fact, that was like a straight A student. I had awesome grades. So I always confused everybody. I'm in honors classes constantly suspended. It never made sense. You know what I mean? People are like, what is wrong with this girl? And so I was college bound. I like had something going for me. I was always good at school. Um, so that started to trick away. And then my dad got, wind that I was into blues. And he texted me one day and asked if I can get blues for my uncle.

And he would give me extra money. So I was like, absolutely, you know, like you said, it's expensive. It was always a daily grind. I don't know how the hell I always ended up with the money, but I did. So my dad had texted me that, so I did that. And we did that a few times. So eventually I was like, I know it's not for my uncle. I'm Serena Williams, and I'm healthier on Roe.

I've lost 34 pounds in a year with GLP1's diet. and exercise. On Roe, you can access GLP1 options, including the first FDA-approved GLP-1 pill for weight loss. Go to row.com slash journey to see if you qualify. 14 to 20% average weight loss in one year in non-diabetics

with obesity or overweight with a weight-related medical condition versus 2.2% to 3.1% and placebo arm. RX only. To stay informed about serious side effects, go to row.com slash safety. Well, it's for you. And then we linked up, it became Bonnie and Clyde Daddy Daughter Edition.

And now him and I were partners in crime throughout the opioid doctor shopping era because he was going to multiple doctors. We would go to New York, Staten Island, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, picking up scripts. He knew how to pay cash here, use insurance here. This is when I'm good to get him here. Get the 15s, just take two. So it was a massive, like, undertaking. and I was his lovely assistant and we would sell him to get money for the scripts. I would sell him to get dope because at this point I was like, I don't even know.

One day I couldn't find blues. Someone was like, I have heroin and then I used that until eventually somebody shot me up for the first time and that rest is history. But yeah, that's what him and I did for a while. Did your mom have any idea that this was going on? No, if she did, it wouldn't have. It wouldn't have happened if she... No, no.

Why do you think you didn't tell her? Because I wanted to keep using. If I told her, then it would stop. Do you think a part of you maybe wanted to get help, though, or you just like that thing? Yeah, no. And I had her and I both convinced that if I just get detoxed, I'm good to go. Like, I just got to get off of it because I've done the detoxing with no medication, the cold turkey thing, and it was awful.

I detoxed so many times. So every time I thought, like, I just have to stop using this, but I was never ready to stop drinking. And every relapse occurred with drinking. I just wanted to go back to being a normal teen. And, like, that just wasn't possible. I'd get drunk. I'd get high, like, without fail. What about your teachers, your friends that weren't using?

No one noticed anything that was going on? They did. Yeah, for sure. I stopped being invited places. I stopped being welcomed. I could not sit in a full day of school. I was always getting suspended. It got to the point I walked into the principal's office on my phone just to get suspended.

And he wouldn't suspend me because you knew what I was trying to do. My teachers, like I said, we're. confused because I was like I went from one extreme to the other. It was like a good kid with great grades to all of a sudden I can't even sit through school. You know you said something that's important. Isn't it crazy how we outcast people when they're struggling instead of helping them? Like imagine if someone tried to help you in that situation. Yeah, it fueled me being ostracized. Today I can look at is like, you know, we were kids. People didn't, this was new territory. If I wasn't in the midst of it, I probably would have acted the same towards somebody else, to be honest, because it was like I acted like a junkie.

I mean, who wants to be around that? There's only so much people can do. I have my best friend of, you know, since middle school, she never left my side. But at the same time, I tried to stay away from everybody because I didn't want people to know what was going on. Wow. So when was the first time you went to rehab? I was 16. I went to an adolescent detox. What was the final straw for you to get to rehab?

Was it you or was it someone else that got you into it? Usually it's when it hit the fan and I got in trouble. My mom caught me. I stole the wrong thing. So usually that's how that happened. And what was like the first rehab experience like for you? Well, it was more, it was just a detox. So it was about 14 days max. And I always refused to go to rehab because I don't need it.

I know what to do. That was my line. I've done this before. I just got to get it out of my system. I know what to do so that my mom enabled me in that aspect for a while as far as not making me go to a treatment center. She eventually stopped enabling me and cut me off completely. Thank God.

But I don't think she didn't understand the depths of what I was in. Neither did I at that point. How much drugs do you think you were consuming on a daily basis? I think it varies. Like the walk is through a typical day when you were at your peak. Like you'd wake up or are you getting high right away? Absolutely. I always had to have something for the next day.

That was part of it. I got to the point I'd do 10 bags in a shot. Thank God. Fetanol wasn't as prevalent. But I have overdosed several times. It needed to be Narcan. And what year is this to put it into perspective? I graduated in 2013.

so let's say 2010 maybe is when it started. You graduated high school in 2013? Yeah. Oh, we're the same age. I graduated in 2013. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

I barely graduated. Yeah. Join the club. You watch my transcript is hysterical. It goes from straight days to like EFSA gym. F's and Jim. Yeah. I failed gym too.

I just want to go. My story is difficult because there's so many things happened. Did you start getting arrested at all during this time or was just strictly drug use? Yeah, I did get arrested. At that age? 18. 18 was the first time you got arrested? Yeah, of course.

The cops in my town, I got pulled over twice in a day. That was not weird. They searched me constantly. I don't know why they were so obsessed with me. No, I was, you know, they knew what I was doing, but it wasn't like I was a big fish. I wasn't like dealing Brexit. heroin, but I was using. And they always tried to catch me with something. And my car was searched at high school. It wasn't a good look. My car was searched all the time. And then I tried to refuse.

They'd be like, we'll bring the dogs. So I was just like, fine, whatever. And I always had it hidden on me. And they never found it. So I was, like, scared to drive around town. There was times I was sitting in my bedroom and two narcs walked into my bedroom. My mom knew the chief of police. and I think she was just desperate. And the narcs knew me anyway. And they just walked into my bedroom. Two of them were like, we see you driving around with anybody.

You're stopped. Give me what you have right now. Kind of made it like they were going to guide me. It was a weird situation. And there was other times they wanted me to do controlled buys. They wanted you to set people up. Yeah. I'm like two to my hundred pounds.

I'm 18 years old. Like you want to get me killed? And of course I said I would do it. I never did it because it never even came down to it. My first overdose, I OD'd, and my friend wouldn't tell the cops. I was on drugs. So it took him a minute to Narcan me. I woke up at a hospital.

And that's the kind of relationships you have when you're using. Because they're using partners, it's mutually beneficial to get drugs, but nobody really cares about each other. So that's like what I was around all the time. what got me out of state finally because I eventually needed to leave the state to get better and was I went I forged a check from my mom and the same narc that walked into my bedroom found me forging a check and was like you're either getting federal charges or you're going out of state so I went out of state but before that the arrest I was a waitress at Red Robin and the bartender did dope too

So her and I got high together and like that was it. I had like five bags on me. And we got pulled over. Mine was hidden. They didn't find it on me. Reped us out of the car. Twelve cop cars showed up. I counted.

Do you see me? Do I need 12 police? Like 12 cop cars. So dramatic. Pulled us both out of the car. Searched me. Didn't find it. Search the car.

Didn't find anything. I'm just talking to the cop. Whatever. And I hear, hey, what's this? I turn around. The girl I was with had a giant Ziplock bag with hundreds of empties in it. First of all, who does that? So that got me to jail, or at least the police station where they, when I was in the back of the cop car on my way to jail, I dug out the five bags and swallowed them. But now I had five empties. So they charged me with 10 full bags because they were ripped in half. So when you say empty, it's like completely empty?

Just the wax papers, yeah, but they charged me with 10 full bags and then I had two syringes. And how long did you stay in jail? For only two weeks. I was 18. I was still in high school. Were you in like a county jail? Yeah. What was that like at 18 years old?

Yeah. So at the police station alone, before I got on my way to get transferred to county from the police station, I threw such a fit. They had to bring me to the hospital. And I had the nurses and doctors around me with a syringe to knock me out because I was freaking out thinking if I threw a fit, they would turn around.

And I remember the cop going, please don't shoot her with that. We're going to be here all night. So I was like, all right, I guess I'm not getting out of this. And I chilled out. And so then I go to county and you get the 23-hour lockdown for the first three days or whatever. And my cellmate was over six foot, 300-pound schizophrenic who didn't stop talking. Literally, I don't think she slept and woke me up to tell me She had a dream. She got me pregnant. I was a hundred pound little white girl in this county jail. Getting notes slipped under my door from other women hitting on me.

And it wasn't like some tough girl shit. Like I was scared. I didn't, that, you know what I mean? Like I messed with these people to get what I wanted. But when it came down to it, you know, I didn't belong there. But I did because I was breaking the law. And I had a $10,000 bail with no 10% option in the beginning. So I was just sitting there waiting for them to drop it to municipal or whatever.

And then they did, and I had the 10% option. And my mom said, I'll put the $1,000 up and get you out. You have to go to rehab. And I said no. I defiantly said no and chose to sit in jail for two weeks. What about the guards? Were they trying to look after you at all? Like an 18-year-old?

No, I don't even remember. I remember sitting in the medical unit, though, getting checked out by the nurse, and one of the trustees saw me and sent a kite back with a pregnant woman. So now I have a jail boyfriend. And that's just how my behavior and thinking was. You know, I actually, like, we wrote letters back and forth, like, sent them out of the jail to send them back in and hung out after. Like, that's just how I was. Like, I was reckless. I always picked the man that needed fixing forever.

And then, yeah, I sat there. They put me in Jen Pop. I lasted for 12 hours because then I told my mom. I don't think I meant it, but I, like, ripped my underwear and, like, tried to choke myself. Like, I was, like, just out of my mind. Like, I want to die. And I told my mom, I tried to kill myself. And she told the jail thinking they would help me.

And I'm sure you're aware of what happens to people on suicide watch in jail. They give you the chicken suit. They give you a chicken suit? The see-through. Well, I'll call it the chicken suit. The see-through. The smock. Yellow PPE-looking thing, which I actually wear at the hospital.

hospital now, which is funny. Life comes full circle. And then they put you in the cell with just the metal bed, no mattress. And the CEOs gave me a couple rolls of toilet paper and said, here, wrap yourself on this. It's going to get cold. And I did because I was freezing. So it's just a bed. I'm basically naked and I'm huddled by the door. And I was there for about a day. And then I shut up. They fed you at least, right? They fed me, but I was cold. I'm like, this is not. This just makes someone more suicidal. How is this a solution? How is this a solution to any of this. Yeah.

And eventually I had enough and I agreed to go to rehab. Were you using it all inside the county jail at all? No. No, I wasn't that smart. I was just... So did that help you get clean those two weeks at all? Yeah, I was clean for those two weeks. Did that keep me clean? Absolutely not. It went on for more, for years after that.

Why do you think that was that two weeks wasn't enough of nothing in your system? Well, because I could be... I could have nothing in my system. but the cravings to use, that's a beast. What about the physical appearance effects of the drugs you were using? Was it noticeable? Oh, absolutely. I was skin and bones.

I looked awful. I'll have a picture. I'll have to show you after this. It's crazy. It's night and day, truly. Just dead inside, tracks in my arms. I just could not stop. And I wouldn't listen to the people that told me

how they stopped. Were you dating anyone during this time? Yeah. Yeah, I had all kind of dirt bags. Yeah, absolutely. People I got high with. Wow. That's a common thing, right, for people that are using together, they kind of end up dating

each other and whatnot. Yeah, it's really not about our relationship. It's more about, like, we're going to work together to get what we need for sure. So it's more physical than emotional because the physical part is using the drugs. Yeah, it's a basis of everything at that point. Interesting. You know, at this point, I go right from jail to home, where in a couple hours, I managed to get drugs. And on my way to rehab, my mom, I had to go to a hospital because I basically overdosed.

And I remember them doing the test to see what I took, and it wasn't even heroin. They, like, read off a list of drugs that I had shot, and I thought I did heroin, and literally didn't even come up my drug test. What came up? Man, I couldn't even tell you, I was out. but I definitely fentanyl's annex and I don't remember the other stuff. But I was like, I did heroin. They're like, well, you know. So I eventually got to the rehab after that in Pennsylvania.

Rehab boyfriend, yet again. Always filling a void. That's what it was always about. Like something was always missing. Like just being with myself on my own was absolute torture. And I know that sounds crazy. People talk a lot about willpower when it comes to addiction. You'll never tell me I don't have willpower.

power. But you put a drug in my body and I don't have control over that. It's a power greater than me. Like, I know that sounds corny, but it's so true. I am capable of anything. I don't mean that in a cocky way, but I just mean like if I set my mind to something, I could do it. But drug addiction was a whole other, whole nother beast for sure. How long were you at that rehab in Pennsylvania for? I think it was more of a detox. It was like a couple days and then the goal was that I went to someone in Connecticut. And then from there, I went to a halfway house in Florida where I didn't stay clean. I came back to Connecticut. I mean, thank God for insurance. Like, I feel very privileged to have had the opportunity to get into these places by having insurance. Like, some people don't have that.

Yeah, health insurance, does it cover all of these trips, everything? Yeah. And that was under your mother. There was deductibles. She went to thousands of dollars, thousands of dollars of debt paying deductibles. but otherwise, yeah, it would cover it. So I literally went from Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Florida, Connecticut, and then back to Florida. And that's where most of the bad happened. I mean, minus in Connecticut. Again, I went to a halfway house in Torrington.

Met some girls. Again, that drive that I wasn't doing. You can go to rehab all day. You can get detox all day. If you don't do something after that, forget it. I'm a strong believer in that. Rehab is such a tiny part of me finally getting clean, truly. I'll have six years in May, but I haven't been to rehab in nine years.

So, anyway, in that halfway house, I met these girls. We got high. I wake up in Bridgeport, Connecticut Hospital, to bright lights and my clothes getting cut off because I overdosed. The ER doctor came in to talk to me. He goes, you had about a minute. We found you outside in front of the emergency room. So my friends pushed me out of the car, kept my phone in wallet, and dipped.

They just dropped you at the hospital. None of my stuff. When you overdose, do you remember the moments leading up to it at all? No. You just wake up and everything's a blur. Wow. It lights out. And, yeah, he was like, yeah, at about a minute.

And at that point, the only number I remembered by heart was my mom. Last person on earth I wanted to call, but the only person I could have called. America's first pledge was freedom. Jeep still carries that fighting spirit. With the Jeep Declaration of Deals, we're pledging our allegiance to the American people with great deals on the luxurious Grand Cherokee, with available three-row seating, premium craftsmanship,

and tech that turns every drive into an adventure. Or Jeep Rangler with legendary 4x4 capability and open-air freedom. Because Freedom deserves the vehicle built to carry it. Jeep, there's only one. Hurry into your local dealer for the Jeep Declaration of Deals. Jeep has won more awards over its lifetime than any other SUV brand. Jeep at the Jeep Grill or registered trademarks of FCAUS, So again, here we go.

Then I end up in Florida. And I went to the treatment center there three times. In between this, you know, I got into a relationship again. Shocker. It was my routine. People said, stay out of relationships. Like, people would give me guidelines. That, like, were just as bad or worse.

Like, I went through the same thing. This is what I did. And I was, like, stubborn, rebel without a cause. I'm going to do it my way and every time it failed. Florida was its own, you know, nightmare. I mean, I brought myself wherever I went. I was 18. Got into drinking, doing drugs, picked up Coke out there, shooting Coke,

which sent me into oblivion. You want to talk, like, that just bad got 10 times worse. So was your mom out here still while you were in Florida? Did she move with you? No, no. I was on my own. And what about your brother? He was home too.

Did you guys have a relationship? No. No, I was cut off financially too. So, I mean, I appreciate that because in the midst of all of it, I had to get a job and get my car back. And I had to do everything on my own. And I appreciate that now, but I hated it at the time. It taught me that I, you know, how to work for what I had. have. So I did that, but then I destroyed it all over again.

Yeah, what did you do for work? You didn't really have much of a resume, right, other than Red Robin? Yeah. No, I always waitress. And I made good money doing it. And that comes with its own issues because the restaurant industry is full of people that do drugs and drink. So I fell into that. You know, wherever I went, I was like the drug addict. Even if I wasn't actively using, if I was like in recovery at that point, I still felt separate from the group. And I think that kept me going for a long time, that feeling of isolation. And I had an option to, like, link up with people that were in recovery and doing the right thing. But, like, I still didn't fully to the extent I needed to. I met my daughter's father out there. I was 20 years old, just out of rehab

again. And then him and I were together for a little bit, relapsing in and out. I just went to new lengths out there. I knew that if I walked down the street in a bad neighborhood, people would give me drugs. And I know that sounds insane, but it worked like a charm every time. So one of the times I was in a halfway house and I drank, I was like, well, if I drank, just going to get high. I'm going to do what I really want. So I walked down into a neighborhood in Delray, Florida. Two guys picked me up in an escalade.

They had the drugs I wanted because out there, everybody did Dalladon, which is an open. be it. Um, they must have been dealers because they had a lot of them. They gave me a bunch. And, um, you know, it was like a trade off. Like, I'll give you what you want. You give me what I want because like I said, it was like new lengths out there. Girls taught me other ways to survive, I guess, in rehab from stories. And, um, I just remember waking up on someone's front lawn with my pants down in blood in my shorts and I didn't know what happened from point A to point B, but I do know that if I didn't wake up, someone was going to find a dead girl on their lawn in the morning. And that was just an example of how bad it got.

To this day, I don't know what happened. It doesn't bother me. I really just don't, I don't know, but. And you're only 20? I might have been 19, but yeah, this is like the Florida era. So around that age, yeah. You lived like so many eras. In your teenage years, wow.

Yeah, it was as chaotic as it sounds. And it's not lost on me that I'm very lucky to be here. Yeah, do you ever think about that aspect, like all the, what you've been able to survive? Absolutely. And I think about the people that I know that didn't, the visor of my car is a collection of prayer cards from dead friends. And that's the story of a lot of people that I know that are in recovery.

people die a lot and I was lucky enough that I've overdosed on four separate occasions and needed to be narcan several times back to life and I am so lucky that I was never alone those times that had happened there were times I picked up used shot up and woke up hours later and I might not have you know what I mean I do feel like I'm here for a reason and I'm like I said it's not lost on me that I'm that I'm lucky did you have a lot of friends or fellow users that pass that you personally knew? Absolutely. During like the time that you were using?

Oh, absolutely. And that didn't affect you at all mentally to the point where you're like, I want to go get clean? It does, but the power to use is greater than anything else. I know it sounds crazy or that it won't happen to me mindset. It would scare me to death when it would happen to me, but it was never enough. No consequence was great enough to stop me.

because it felt like I had no choice. When I knew I was coming on the podcast, I've been like reminiscing this week. I went to my mom's house. I still have all my paperwork from rehab, all these folders from 9 million different facilities, and I actually found a suicide note. I titled it if I'm ever gone because I thought I might not make it out of one of these. I don't know if it was a suicide note or more of a, if the next OD I don't wake up from.

And something I had said in it was essentially like when I'm doing good, all I want is to fall apart. And when I'm falling apart, all I want to do is get back to being good. And I think that's like the best way to describe it. When I was in the midst of it, all I wanted to do was get out of it. And when I was out of it, all I wanted to do was get back into it. It was the biggest mind game ever. And the hardest thing to explain, unless you know the feeling, but it's, like I said, not for a lack of willpower. I think people think addicts want to do the things they're doing.

And that's not to say there's no personal accountability involved because there is. We all have choices. But there's something to be said about what these drugs do to your mind and the pull they have. What do you think it does take to get someone that was in your position to get clean or to stop using or to stop using? to save that person now that you know everything you know now. Right. For me, my last time using hurt more than the other times, even though I didn't like lose as much, it wasn't as horrible as some of the times.

I think I was just so done, so beaten and broken truly, that I finally just said, I'm going to listen to the people and believe that that. I too can get and stay clean. And I suffered for months. I was in pain, emotional pain every day. But I was like, if they could do it, so can I. And I just had to like tell myself that over and over again until eventually, you know, got better. Isn't it amazing how someone can want something, but they, like, for instance, you wanted to be clean, but you couldn't get clean.

Like, it's interesting how that works, like how the mind works on that. Like we can want something, but we don't have the willpower to get that. Absolutely. Like I always knew I was better than what I was doing. I always knew I was meant for more or capable of good things. But that rut I was in was indescribable. And, yeah, it was just such a crazy experience. And, you know, it's still a daily grind.

It's not as hard, obviously. The first thing my brain doesn't go to get high when I'm in emotional pain anymore. Like, that's gone. But it used to. And it used to feel like I have no choice. Once my brain decided I was going to use, I felt like I was a robot. And I absolutely had to do it or I was going to die. I know that sounds insane.

But that's like how much of a pull there is. How long have you been clean for now? It will be six years in May. Congratulations. Thank you. So do you feel like you have kind of this responsibility now to not only share your story but to help others because of what you've lived through whereas others haven't? Like it feels kind of like that would be a little bit of a burden too, not in a negative way, but in a positive way. No, absolutely.

if it wasn't for women that specifically women that had years clean that were close friends and still are to this day holding me up I wouldn't have made it out so there is something to be said about you know giving back and being that for somebody else I think addicts have an empathy that a lot of people don't have because when you see the depths of hell like you're able to see life differently than just like the normal person that didn't experience it. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I feel very disconnected from that part of my life. So I feel like I can talk about it now without shame. Like for years, the first couple of years, I still felt like the outsider in the room and I don't feel like that anymore. So yeah, that was tough. So I didn't get clean in Florida. I got pregnant in Florida. and I was clean when I got pregnant. I used one time early pregnancy and then stopped. But I got pregnant thinking if I have a baby, I will never use again.

Like that's the level of desperation. That was the level of twisted thinking. But that's really what I thought. I was 20 years old having a baby, having no business, having a baby. do I recommend that absolutely not do I think I would have died if I didn't have a baby I do because now I'm not just responsible for myself I'm responsible for somebody else and that's not to say children keep you clean because I know plenty of people that lost their kids because they used with children so I don't think I'm any better than them but my daughter's father

did not stay clean I had him one month old and I you know my mom's like you this is not a good idea. You know, please don't do this. And I was like, it's going to be fine. He wouldn't do that to me. We're both going to stay clean and have like a happy life. And moved in with his parents and things started happening during my pregnancy where I was like, I don't know if something's up.

And then when my daughter was about a month old, I noticed the full blown using and the chaos. And I had to get out. And my mom went from your never allowed home again to letting me home. And I shared a bedroom with my daughter for the first four years of her life. and I came home, went to college, got an associate's degree in the field of him in now. And in the midst of that, you know, I would get nine months clean, get high once, 11 months clean, get high once, got into the toxic relationship that ended in a restraining order when my daughter was three. You know what I mean?

Like, the chaos didn't end. It just comes in new forms. Right. So it's like I never needed to be. detoxed again because my relapses were so short, but the continuous recovery wasn't there for a while. And one of those times, you know, I overdosed in a basement. My ex-boyfriend's basement, woke up again to police giving me CPR. How did I get here again? You know, I know better. How am I here again? My daughter's three. And I wake up a mother of a three-year-old in the town I grew up in,

getting CPR by the police and then one of the cops I went to high school with leaked it to everybody that I overdosed like the video or just the fact that he got wind of it and as a police officer

and he was in like my party crew of drinking and he decided to tell everybody that we used to be friends with what happened to me so now it's all through town so now I'm trying to get clean again and I'm dealing with the shame of everybody knowing, and I just wanted to be like, I know you all think I'm a scumbag.

So do I. We're on the same page. Like, just leave me alone. So that was just, that was a hurdle that made it like a million times harder yet again. Again, got about 11 months clean, couldn't get a year for the life of me, and used it again. And that was the last time I got high. It was a five-day run. I had my restraining order in the midst of that.

My ex-boyfriend blackmailed me with a lewd video that went all around my anonymous program. And now I was absolutely embarrassed, never wanted to see these people again. But at the same time, this is where I get my recovery. So that made it incredibly hard. Got high for five days, went into like a cocaine psychosis. I was hallucinating. I got an infection from using, and I ended up in the hospital. and that was the last time I got high.

Men that do that are such pieces of shit. Man, it was rough. That was like a reoccurring thing all throughout high school too. I mean, people still do that now. I could still at any given day think about it and a crawl out of my skin. It was awful. And, you know, I'm not a victim. I was a volunteer.

Stayed in the relationship. Everything that ever happened to me, you know, to an extent I did to myself. So I do take accountability. It's not my dad's fault. what happened. You know what I mean? Like I people, you know, played a part, but I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh, it's my ex-boyfriend's fault I got higher. It's my dad's fault I got hired. This didn't happen. You know what I mean? So I understand that.

Do you think you were looking for your dad and a partner too? Time and time and time again. Because a lot of women go through that and feel that and I think that's very relatable to people. Without fail, I could see my dad and every guy I've ever dated. How does someone break away from that? Or is that always going to be a thing? So I don't think I did that right. I think I just happened to find the right person.

And I went from, you know, being a rehab for men. Literally, I called myself a rehab for men. Like, I wanted to fix them and mold them and make them better. And then when my husband came into my life, my husband now came into my life, it was just a different dynamic. There was no trust issues. There was no fighting. There was no, we just worked. So I think I got lucky.

Yeah, when you, I feel like when you find that right person, it kind of like clicks and you know. And until you find that right person, you're going to see all the wrong things and the fights and you're going to realize you're not really meant to be together. Yeah, like, you know, time and time again, my life was learning the hard way and doing things the hard way and hurting myself over and over again. watching the hot stove over and over again, like insanity never made sense. Like, people would always be like, just stop. Like, why are you?

And it's like, it was never that simple. How long have you and your husband been married for? We've only been married a year. A year? I saw all the pictures. It was really cute. Yeah, I was smiling. That was nice.

Yeah, we have a daughter together. We had before we got married. Oh, so you have two daughters? I do, yeah. So he has my first daughter, my stepdaughter, or his stepdaughter. And we have a daughter together as well. That's so nice. Yeah.

So today is just a life that I didn't see coming. And it's so different. And I said earlier, I really can say today I can look back on everything that happened and I'm like grateful for it. And I know that sounds insane. And if you would have told me in the midst of the rehabs, you know, the rest, the the ODs, the chaos that one day you would be grateful for this. I would have told you you were nuts. There was something on social media and I wish I could find it.

But some guy said, I'm grateful for heroin and people lost their minds. And I was like, I get it. Me too. I'm grateful for heroin. I'm not grateful for the heroin that killed my friends or for the families. It destroyed. That's not what I mean. I mean for me and my life, like I'm thankful that I found that because like I said,

I think it would have been alcohol and maybe that would have years for me to like fall as hard as I did. I think um everything that happened even the bad things I can see how it led to today and I see how it had a purpose and it happened for a reason I'm a big believer in that um and if I could do it anybody can because it was not looking good did your husband come from a background of addiction too yeah he's in recovery too okay he is about he's five years that's awesome I've never seen him high he's never seen me high um we found each other by accident, but it was, and I got lucky because I could be dicey, you know, dating somebody in recovery, but I also can't see myself with somebody not in recovery, if that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, you guys both understand each other, too. You understand where you've come from.

Right. Yeah. So there's, you know, and bless him for dealing with me because I'm not perfect now, you know, because I'm clean. I still have my days. You know, I could say today, like, the first couple years of my daughter's life, I was not mentally there. Like, I don't want to just talk about the cool drama of addiction. Like, I wasn't, I didn't get clean and just become like a good, you know, it took a lot of work. I still have my days where I have to, like, reel myself in, you know, I'm not, I'm not cured. It's going to be a work in progress for the rest of my life, but I'm definitely way better off than I ever was. Are you worried about the genetic aspects of addiction?

Like how you explained with your father and you? Are you worried about that passing on to your daughter? Yeah, both of my daughters have fathers that are addicts. So, you know, and there's mental health in my family, like raging. So yeah, I absolutely think about that. How do you plan to be proactive on that? Like, what can a parent do in your situation? Well, my daughter's a teenager, I will tell her everything.

I think being transparent is going to be super important especially nowadays with the way fentanyl is you could pick up an outerall on the street and drop dead I think I'm going to be very transparent about the truth of it you know what it means and that might not be enough but I'll take it as it comes and it's also just providing like a loving home

and a two-parent home and structure and everything right I mean if you had that, you know, I'm sure a part of you thinks that it could have turned out differently. Not that you'd want it to because you have a great life now, but... Absolutely. Might have saved you a lot of heartache and pain and medical bills. Right. Yeah, no, yeah.

Absolutely. I think there's a lot to be said about having, you know, two parents and trying, you know, to do my best. You know, I still work on myself. I'm in therapy. I still go to my recovery, like, groups. Like, I still do all that stuff. And I think it makes me better in a lot of areas of my life. Like, every year I think I'm, you know, getting closer to the best version of myself.

It's not like I just put the drugs down and I'm good. It's never been like that. You know, it's been hard. But solely but surely we're getting there. Are you, like, out there on, like, social media, like a TikToker sharing your story of recovery at all? I feel like you would do very well because you're very open. You're very open about it. You have the looks for it.

Like I think you could be a success if that's something that you ever thought about getting into. Thanks. I'm definitely, I definitely share with people when I get the opportunity. I haven't done it on social media. I was weary of that given, I don't know, I just never did that. I felt I just never did the social media aspect of it. But I've definitely had opportunities where I've been able to reveal my past to people. and try to help and, like, give my experience

because there's something to be said about somebody else that's been through it. It does something for you that nobody else can do. As far as, like, recovery stuff on social media, recovery is a business. I don't love it. I don't. I've seen South Florida rehabs for money. Yeah, it's bad in Florida.

Yeah. Like, people could own the rehab and have, like, What's your intention? You know, I've seen people with bad intentions. One of the guys that got me down to Florida acted like he was my savior and best friend. I never heard from him again, but he got a kickback from my insurance for getting me in. You know what I mean? I think lines get blurred. I think it's a ego disguised as altruism. Like, I'm doing this just because I want to help versus like I'm getting a good amount of money for doing it. Yeah, I think there's two ways to look at it. I mean, you have that way where the people there, you have the recovery mentors and coaches and all that. And then you're, you you have like a channel like this where someone's able to share their story and that that helps promote recovery in its own sense, but it's like natural and organic because we focus on the success stories and you're more relatable because some of these coaches or whatnot don't have any experience with themselves with recovery. I think lived experience is huge in this world. Oh, 100%. I absolutely love what you're doing. I think stuff like this is so important.

And that's really not what I mean by recovery as a business, more or less like some facilities. could be shady. No, I know you weren't shoot at me. Not you. I think giving people a platform to talk about it is super important. Yeah, it's the people that don't normally get platforms. Because how many times can you turn on the news and you see someone that's a former addict talking? I mean, yeah, the celebrities you have, like the jelly roll speech the other day was awesome.

Amazing. Yeah. But they're not giving that platform to your average person, which they should be. Right. But they're not, you know. Of course. So that's why this serves its purpose. Absolutely. Over 100,000 people the past couple of years have died from overdoses.

It's a stadium full of people. Yeah. And, you know, it was all because everything was unregulated, like I said, with my dad back in the day. He was able to get stupid amounts of drugs. The street, it was flooded. And then when they pulled back, all these addicts addicted to blues, we can't get blues anymore. So everybody went to heroin. That was like the era.

That's like exactly how it went down. But it's okay. Because Purdue Pharmacy had to pay 30 cents in a lawsuit. You know what I mean? Like the world is just... What do you think the biggest thing you were afraid of sharing your story before you started to share it to individuals about your journey? What were you most afraid of?

Definitely judgment from others, being ostracized, and career-wise, I was nervous. I remember when I graduated school and got my certifications in my current field, I was super nervous of my coworkers finding out not wanting me to work there anymore. and that was a lie because it never happened. Everybody saw me the way I am now. So when I revealed my past, I was accepted. But I didn't know if that was going to happen. So I was definitely scared.

How'd you overcome that just by going out on a whim and doing it? Right. Yeah, literally, slowly but surely. Like, I like to, people get to know me first and then I'll say it. And then, you know, it's kind of like, oh, like you said, you would never expect it. So. Yeah. If you could go back to your 14-year-old self and have a conversation with her,

maybe get her in a room alone and talk to her, what would you say to her? It's going to be okay. And I think about that with like high school, for example, when you think your life's over for like minor things. And I remember feeling like that, like it was the end of the world. It's like you're so young. And it's not going to be like this forever. And it changes and it gets better.

But I remember feeling like it was the end of the world, like when things would happen around that age, you know? and I wish everybody, like the, at that age could understand that like it's so temporary. Pain is always temporary. You know, you just got to get through it. I love that. Olivia, thank you for coming on the show today. It's been a pleasure talking to you and speaking with you.

And, you know, I hope you get on TikTok or something and start sharing. Maybe this could be your start. You know, you use some of the clips for this. But, you know, you're given a gift and a power. And I think you can be a little bit different. what's out there now, something to think about, you know. I appreciate it. Thank you so much, doing the opportunity.

Of course. Keep in touch and safe travels back to Jersey. Thank you so much.