Locked In with Ian Bick - Arrested for DWI: Uncovering the Dark Psychology of Drunk Driving | Karissa Lee

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

Karissa Lee opens up about her experience being arrested for multiple DWIs and the psychological reasons that lead people to drive drunk. In this episode, we explore how a drinking addiction can develop, the dangerous decisions that come with it, and the long-term impact on a person’s life. Karissa shares her personal journey and insights into the deeper issues behind substance abuse and reckless behavior. #DWIArrest #DrunkDrivingAwareness #PsychologyOfAddiction #OvercomingAddiction #SubstanceAbuseRecovery #DrinkingAddiction #AddictionAwareness #ConsequencesOfDrunkDriving Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Connect with Karissa Lee: IG: https://www.instagram.com/karissalee_c FB: https://www.facebook.com/karissalee.thompson/ More: https://linktr.ee/KarissaLee_c Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://lockedinbrand.com Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 Sharing My Journey on Instagram 00:05:03 Growing Up in a Polar Opposite Dynamic 00:10:28 Childhood Memories and Family Struggles 00:16:22 Childhood Awareness of Mother's Addiction 00:21:08 Teenage Rebellion and Independence 00:26:38 Struggle with Alcohol and Its Impact on Family 00:32:14 Beginning Therapy and Seeking Help 00:37:38 Battling Alcohol's Impact on Mental Health 00:42:59 Personal Story of an Emergency Escape 00:48:36 Consequences of Drunk Driving and Recidivism 00:53:46 Navigating the Criminal Justice System 00:59:01 Navigating Social Norms Without Alcohol 01:04:02 Embracing Sobriety and Setting Boundaries 01:09:10 Overcoming Homelessness and Finding Stability 01:14:44 Recognizing an Abusive Relationship 01:20:23 The Power of Vulnerability: Sharing Stories for Impact 01:25:39 Closing Remarks and Gratitude Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Confidence looks great on you. Krissa, welcome to Lockton. We met on Instagram. And you were actually in the area of the old studio we used to film at on Poughkeepsie. And I saw you in recovery and in the Instagram world and nearby. So I had to reach out and get you on the show. Yeah. I was really, I was surprised, actually, because I'm like a small town girl and I'm actually really shy,

even though I post pretty openly on my platform about my story. So I was like, oh my God. I was a little nervous, but that's okay. I tell my story a lot, so. Did it take some time to get over that hump to tell your story on like Instagram and social media? I think that it did, but there were some events like in the recent years that kind of pushed me over that thresholds. And when I started really focusing on my healing and on me and trying to remove some of the shame attached to things that have happened in my life, some that had my name on. them, some that had other people's name on them. I realized that like talking openly and honestly

and authentically owning my story was how I was going to do that. That's not for everybody, but that's what works for me. And it feels good once you start talking about it. Yeah. And I've realized there's a lot of people that aren't quite ready or want to talk publicly about what's going on that have reached out to me privately. Like I'm so glad you posted this, you know, I'm going through this. right now or I really needed to hear this today and, you know, what do you think about this? Do you mind if I bounce some things off of you? You know, so that's made me feel really good, even if it's making an impact on just a couple of people. Yeah, you really never know who you're going to reach or who's going to see it or anything like that. I mean, I would have not known about

you if it wasn't for Instagram and here we are. I know. It's weird. I think like the day you reached out to me, I had posted like I had just over a thousand days over or something. like that and posted some blurbs about the things that I've accomplished and who I am now. And maybe that's what triggered you to reach out to me. Yeah, no, I definitely caught my attention and also that you were a local. So that's always a plus too. Did you grow up in Poughkeepsie? So I grew up in Dutchess County.

I was actually, you know, I should have known that my life was going to be kind of chaos from the start. So I was born in the front suit of a transam outside of a northern Dutchess hospital. in Rhinebeck, New York. And I grew up in Duchess County my whole life. I graduated from Roosevelt High School in Hyde Park. Was that a big high school? Not really.

My graduating class was like 330. So in comparison to Lake Arlington that has over a thousand students in their class, it's kind of middle of the range, lower end. Yeah, we had, I think, almost 900 in ours. It was a big high school. Yeah, so kind of small, small town girl. You know, I did all the things that I could and did good in school. And then adulthood came and life happened.

Did you have a mom and dad growing up, any siblings? So I had both my parents. My parents actually were really great friends. They divorced when I was younger. But they stayed connected and my dad was always present to help my mom, if things were going on at the house, if she needed anything. And, you know, they'd, kind of set a really good example for me in that respect as a mom when I got older. And then I have a

brother, a full blood brother that's 18 months older than me that also obviously grew up same area graduated from the same school. You guys don't sound really close growing up. So we were for a while like in a really tangled way. So we grew up on my mother's part of things in an addiction and chaos up until I was nine and he was 10. So he was kind of like a protective factor until that point. And then when things happened, the chain of events, that's being removed by CPS. And, you know, life after that, after it kind of started to stabilize, I think he kind of was like, I'm done. I've done my part for like nine years protecting you. I'm kind of done. So we got really, really distant for a really long time while life was good when mom got sober, you know, we were just going through the motions in life, but he really, he was the brother that was at school.

You don't talk to me kind of brother. So, you know, we were always protective of each other, but he really didn't want to have those interactions with me after that point. And you guys were probably very close, like, because of your age, close in age, that you went to the same schools. And it's always a different dynamic when you have the older sibling at the same school as you. Yeah. And he was, was much different than me. So to paint a much clearer picture, I was like the goody two-shoe doing good in school. I was the cheerleader, rowing crew, you know, the person that everybody knew talked to everybody. And he was kind of introverted. He hung out with all like the goth kids, you know, the boys wearing fish nets on their arms and like eyeliner. I don't know if that was

a thing in your generation, but it wasn't mine. You know, so they were the kids kind of getting like picked on and ostracized. So we were like polar opposites. And I always thought it was weird that it was him that told me not to talk to him in school. Because I would like go and sit at the table with him and he would be like, leave now. And I'm like, why? Like it was a really weird dynamic.

Why do you think he was like that towards you? I think honestly a lot of it had to do with how enmeshed we were. when we were kids out of like safety and protection, lack of presence of my mom. You know, so even though my father was very stable, we saw him on the weekends. When he pulled in to pick us up, we hopped in the truck and we didn't talk about anything going on at mom's house, right? But there's like many days where my mother was not present, where he at like just 18 years older than me, under 10 years old, was like stuffing me in closets to hide me from the police because it clearly. least someone had called about what was going on, you know, and just getting picked on because we were the poor kids and the dirty clothes with the mom that everybody knew was out there, you know,

and watching her get arrested while we were at the bus stop. We just, we were like very enmeshed in each other at that point out of just survival. And I think once he realized he didn't have to protect me anymore, he just was done. I think he became really selfish. And I didn't understand it then. Like it hurt a lot then. But I reflect on it now. And I totally, I totally get it. We never really talked about it, honestly, until about like two years ago.

A lot of the things that had gone on in our house. Him and I were always really closed off about it. And I think it's when I started healing and talking about it that it kind of opened him up to kind of say like, yeah, these things happened and kind of validate my experience a little bit, you know? If your dad was so stable, why was it flipped to where you went to him on the weekend and you stayed with your mom during the week? So I think that kind of came from like very early on. My dad wasn't good with young kids. So when they separated, we had just kind of stayed with my mom.

And I know now, and I don't really understand why more didn't happen, but I know now that my father, knew that there was an issue from the time we were really, really young. And I don't know why he didn't do more before that point when we were nine and ten and were removed. And unfortunately, he's passed, so I can't ask him all of those questions that I wish I did. You know, he got remarried. My stepmother had a lot of kids, six kids. And I think he had kind of just gotten wrapped up in that life until he had no choice but to look at what was going on. Do you think your life would have been more stable and went in a different direction if you stayed with him more or less full time rather than your mom? I think to an extent, yeah. You know, he had some things that ultimately I refused to look at you.

Like I adored my father. I was the girl that really clung to him and my brother to my mom. And there were, were some things that I refused to look at with him, too. Like, he was a functioning alcoholic. Like, beer was his thirst quencher. And he did have a bad temper at times. And I really, when I was younger, those were things that I admired. Like, I thought the bad temper was a protective factor. Like, he, you know, and looking back on it now in my own recovery journey and being able to isolate the things that I've done, you know, I recognize that there was probably alcoholism there too. He was always financially stable and, you know, he had supportive family that my mother didn't have. So I think there would have been some stability, but maybe some factors that could have

negatively impacted me. When did you first realize that your mother had some issues going on in her life? Um, Lord. So obviously at this time, I wasn't able to discern like, oh my God, this is crazy. But one of my first memories in life I was about four was my mother's boyfriend, someone she was associated with drugs and owed him money kicking in the door to our house. And when he came in, he had a baseball bat. He wasn't going for my mom. He was going for me and my brother.

And like it is my first vivid memory, like with pictures. I don't know if you have that in your life. that exists for me. So I was four then and like I look back on it now and I asked my mom about that like very recently actually and it happened. My brother and I talked about it and he remembers it just as vividly as me and obviously that's chaotic. Shit like that shouldn't be happening. I didn't know then because I was so young but there were a lot of things after that point that I had very vivid memories of that it's clear that there were issues, heavier issues than, you know, my mom was willing to face at the time.

Did you ever think about telling your dad about that or anyone, any people at school? No. Like, it was so weird. Like I said, I think my brother and I were just so excited to get out of those days. and we knew that when our dad came, like we went to Toys R Us every weekend. We got a toy. Like, we were well fed. We had fun. And we just didn't talk about it. It was an escape on those weekends.

And that's, you know, kind of what happened. We never shared anything with anyone at school. I don't know how school didn't intervene because we were like the dirty, like literally wearing dirty clothes to school kids. I see pictures of us now. and it's embarrassing. It was actually a neighbor that intervened finally when my mom went MIA for like a really long time. And they called CPS and that's what led to our removal. Now, do you feel like the school system, because you have a child now,

do you feel like the school system is more, you know, preventative and taking steps so that things like that don't happen? Because it's a different time period now. I don't know. I think society as a whole. whole, like has a habit of turning a blind eye to some taboo things. You know, not that I don't think that they protect our children, but some people kind of don't want to get involved.

And even as mandated reporters, I feel like something really apparent has to come into your lens for you to say, okay, I have to do something about this, as opposed to being observative and seeing the signs without someone having to talk to you or like a major event happening. You know, I can't really imagine or like describe what my behavior was at that time, but I could almost guarantee you that there were some signs that if an adult was paying enough attention to me would have been able to see that something wasn't right, you know. And I kind of wish that they had because there was a lot that went on that we shouldn't have had to go through. You know, like I could write a book and some of the stuff that I put in it, people probably

wouldn't believe actually happened. So, and it happens in real life, you know, when we're living normal lives and working our jobs and we're, you know, taking care of and our bills are paid and our kids are good, we're not thinking that there really is traumatic, awful things happening. to children in our community. So I'd wish someone had noticed so that maybe some of my traumas I would have been buffered from them.

But they also in turn made you stronger in who you are today. Yeah, it's a double-edged sword because I say that often. Like I wouldn't have changed it. You know, living in my experience, thinking about that little girl that was scared at times.

And then also looking at who I am as an adult and what I do for work. now and what I stand for personally, the sum of all of these events have made me who I am today. If you remove even one of them, I may not have taken the same path that has gotten me here. So, you know, there's not a whole lot that I think if I had a magic wand that I would change. You know, even the things that led me to me being arrested because of my addiction. Like I would not change that arrest. I would not change facing a felony, being involved in the court system, being scared of prison.

Because I think that's what like pushed me over the threshold to really do what I needed to do to change my own life, to be the alchemist in my own life of change that I wanted to see and be the cycle breaker and, you know, do better for my daughter and create a different future. What was your mother's drug a choice? You don't need a passport to taste the world's most luxurious beef. Just head to Benihana. Introducing the Wagu of the world menu. From the rich flavor of American Masami Ribai to the bold Australian New York strip

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That was it. I mean, it was the 80s. My parents were partying hearty. So that's kind of like what she was doing. And like we were the kids at the bar. Back then, it was so much different than it is now. You wouldn't see like a five-year-old sitting at a bar with their mom drinking smoking cigarettes but like I would be there the other people at the bar would give me

the money to go the cigarette machine that was still in the bar and I'd like go get their cigarettes for them you know it was so much a part of life and it was weird I kind of knew about it but I didn't know like do you get what I mean as an adult now I know what things were and um like finding scales or like powdered vitamin B I mean we know what that that is. I didn't know when I was a kid, little baggies or, and I don't know how I knew, but I remember when I was about seven, someone like talking to someone and saying that my, my mom was prostituting herself to support her habit. And I don't know how I knew that at seven. I mean, maybe the revolving door, I don't know, of the apartment. Maybe I heard it in passing. Maybe someone

else said it to me, but it was just a knowing. I just knew that these things were going on. And were people more like involuntarily condoning it by seeing you at the bars and not doing anything compared to like, I feel like in today's world, if there's a five-year-old at a bar with a mother drinking and smoking, someone's going to come up and say something? Yeah. I mean, absolutely. It was a different world then, not condoning at all. But I think that the people that would be at the bar in the middle of the day with my mom probably also had their own addictions and things they needed to work on. So they weren't really focused on making the best decision for someone else's kids.

Do you believe that your mother's addiction got passed down to you? Yes, 100%. You know, in my journey of learning about who I am and why I am the way that I am, there's a lot of biological things, a lot of science behind addiction and trauma and how it's passed down generationally. my mom has her own things from, you know, adoption and abuse and sexual abuse on the part of her adoptive father that she didn't deal with that I think led to her addiction. And some of that definitely, I think, was passed down to me. I don't know how, just me, though, because my brother is so normal. He's normal. Yeah, what does he like now? He's, he works for, he's like a manager of a water management.

plant in Westchester, like never really been in trouble. Like, he got in trouble once when he was a kid for, he went out to the Hudson Valley Sykes Center and took like a gear and the police caught him. And I mean, the charge got thrown out, but that's like the worst thing he's ever done. That's like kids being kids. Yeah. He doesn't. I mean, he drinks every once in a while, but he doesn't have problem drinking.

He's never used drugs. He has a normal job. He's been married like 11, 12 years now, has owned like three houses. So, like, we, I say this a lot. The same boiling water softens the potato, hardens the egg. Like, we lived that same experience. And he went this way and I went this way to completely different alternatives. Do you think that maybe you were both passed on to it, but one of you had, and in this case,

you had a certain trigger that, you know, brought it full pledge on to you? Yeah. I mean, there was definitely something. and looking at that, my relationship with my mom was really strained. It always has been. It's something that my brother and I have talked about, even before the recovery, you know, began in her life, that I was just always treated differently. My experience in life with my mom was just different.

She was much harsher on me, you know, not physically abusive. But the standards she held me to were almost unattainable. And I think it's what led me to be kind of chronically productive, like almost to a toxic level. When I got into my teens, just trying to prove myself, do good in school, graduate the top of my class, play sports. And my brother just kind of could do what he wanted. And it was very obvious that it was different. and I think that relationship, because I didn't really drink or, and I've never done drugs, actually, alcohol is my drug of choice, but it was enough to ruin my life until I was like in my 20s. That's when my drinking started.

In high school, I was an overachiever. Like I did so well. And then once I kind of reached adulthood, the drinking was social. You know, but my relationship with my mom was still terrible. And I think it got really bad when I was 27 and my father passed away. And I was kind of buffered from that protection. And some things went on with my mom that just like threw me over the deep end. Did you end up after you left high school, did you go to college right after and have like a life in a career?

No. So I started Duchess pretty much at the coaxing on my mother. Like go to college or you have to start paying. some of the bills here at the house. So I went in as a paralegal because that's what she was doing, ironically enough. And I didn't even make it through my first semester. I stopped, I just stopped going. I wasn't invested in it. I was working at a local diner. I started right out of high school. I was making a lot of money as an 18, 19 year old kid. So I was just interested in making money, buying myself things and having fun that I never really had when I was a teen.

I was so sheltered and guarded. So once high school ended, I literally graduated and did not go home that entire summer. My mother didn't know where I was. Do you think having a healthier, you know, party-type balance, lifestyle, and working hard in high school would have helped you in the long run? I think so. Like if I had a healthy outlet to just be a kid and experiment with some things, a trusting relationship with my mother, not like based out of fear of repercussions, I might have done some things and lived my life as a kid and trusted in her and fallen back on her for me to learn hard lessons. But I just had no opportunity to learn those hard lessons because I was never allowed to do anything, you know? And because of her addictions and the things that went on there, I was kind of, I was feared out of doing all of those things, too, because I didn't want to be like my mother.

But if you fast forward like another decade, I was starting to make choices a lot like my mother had made, you know, not prioritizing things, not focusing on being a mother, not chasing a future or career and ultimately being arrested. for the first time. Why do you think it took so long to kind of develop your addiction? Because in most cases you see it happened high school early on when there's like the parental figure and it's passed down. Why in your case do you think it took a while? I think it was a lot of honestly willpower because it was in my head like that I didn't want to be my mother.

I didn't want to be my mother. So it was fighting really hard to create a stable life. And it wasn't like my relationship with alcohol was never daily, even when my drinking was bad. It was more of a binge drinking, a way to escape. It became my coping skill. So when all of the monsters kind of crept up, I was really good for a long time. If I was in a room, let's say like this, just turning the light out. And I couldn't feel the monsters.

I couldn't see them. So they weren't there anymore. But it just got to a point where everything like bad, you know, intimate relationships in my adulthood, more battles with my mother in my adulthood and even her recovery that really encroached on me. And then ultimately the death of my father in 2012 that I think even with the lights out, it was just evident that they were there. And I couldn't avoid them anymore. So it became a coping skill.

And one of the most like pivotal moments that I really isolate as me saying to myself, my drinking is a problem is when my father passed, I was divorcing my first husband. And he passed and I literally drank myself to oblivion for days. I just could not cope with that situation. And alcohol became my coping skill when I was hurting. What was that transition evolution, like internally, the feeling of, you know, one day you're drinking socially and the next day, you know, you're having a drink and it's more, now it's more of an addiction. Like, you kind of need it and you don't have the choice of whether you're going to have that drink or not.

It was a lot of denial. So even in that year, so 2012, my father passed away by the following year, I would be facing three. DWIs simultaneously, like all at once. And I still was like, it's not my fault. You know, like I was in denial that my drinking wasn't a problem because I wasn't drinking every day. Like I never had to withdraw from alcohol. It was more the social withdrawal, you know, the emotional withdrawal. So at that time being arrested, I was facing like 12 misdemeanors between the DWIs, unlicensed operation, just an insane amount of criminal charges at that point. And I just was like, all right, I'm going to get sober. And it wasn't because I really believed I needed to be sober. I'm going to

acquiesce to the system because that's what they want me to do, right? So I'm going to go through the court system. I'm going to go through probation. I was on probation for three years, went through not having a license for an entire year, all of these things. And I don't think I ever really said I have a problem with alcohol, even at that point. I was like, I just had bad luck. I was stressed. They caught me at the wrong time. I couldn't cope with my dad's death. That's normal. No matter who said to me that I was abnormal, if that makes sense. Yeah. When you're at the peak of your drinking, what? What was like a day-to-day life like for you?

And how much during the day were you drinking? So I wouldn't even drink daily. It would be, I'd say the peak of my drinking was actually about four or five years ago. It's when I went back to drinking. And I would go a week or two without drinking. But I would feel the pressure building of like I need to. not feel this anymore and I would lie, you know, to my daughter, to my friends. I had a specific group of friends that I knew were always out drinking. They would be who I would call because I knew I

could meet up with them and they wouldn't judge me for the drinking. And I would go and drink with the purpose to not feel anymore, blackout every time. But it would only be like once a a week once every two weeks. Never daily. I never had to like wake up and escape my experience, but when the pressure got too much and I just, as opposed to feeling sadness or hurt or really facing the issues that were going on in my life, that's what I did. And it negatively impacted my relationship with my daughter because she would catch me lying about where I was going, who I was with. She even knew at this time, she was. She was, 14 and she knew if I was with certain friends that I was drinking. It makes me sad to look back on that now, you know.

Did you ever think that she was experiencing what you were experiencing with your mom? Not at that time. But since I've been sober this time and I've looked back on some of those decisions, some of the things that she said to me, absolutely. And it, you know, it breaks. my heart. Like, I still have a screenshot in my phone from the last time I was arrested. I didn't go home. I had gone to my ex-husband's house and she texted me and she's like, you know, I just want to let you know that I love you and you're a good person and you deserve so much better than this. And just to have her be 14 and like, care so much about me to say that as opposed to being angry at me. Like, it made me feel good. It made

my heart swell, but it also like knocked me on my ass at the same time. That was a lot to accept to realize that some of the decisions I've made, while it maybe didn't put her in as poor situations as I was put in, it still negatively impacted her because alcohol was more important than being a mom and doing the right thing sometimes. What were your thoughts around, you know, marriage and divorce coming from a family that, you know, your parents got divorced and now you found yourself in a divorce at that young age again. Did you see similarities with your parents now that you had a daughter in the picture, too, and you were drinking as well?

So I actually, I was a young mom with Gabby. I was never married to her dad. And when we split up, we kind of agreed on the custody thing because those were the principles that were set for me by my parents. Like your parents, the kids come first. It's about teamwork here. It's not about you as individuals. But I had married another man when I had gotten older. He was much older than me.

He was 16 years older than me. we got together when I was 22. And I'd always wanted to get married and be married and have that really happy family life. And in that first relationship, I think he was a big drink or two. And that was kind of our bonding time. We didn't do anything else. He always wanted to be at the bar, which was obviously not very healthy. And so him and I had divorced.

Our divorce was final. in 2013, and then I actually got remarried in 2017, and I was chasing the same thing. And that marriage, I think, is really where my mental health and my addiction to alcohol, like, got really out of control. A lot of not great things were going on in that marriage, and my principles on marriage and wanting to be loyal and stay in it. kept me there for a really long time. And I think that's, well, I don't blame him for my alcoholism and the choices I made. I can recognize that some of those circumstances led to me using alcohol as such a large coping skill. There was just, there was a lot of abuse and a lot of things that I wasn't sharing openly with people outside of our households.

a lot of the same trends. It's like when I was a kid, right, that we kept those secrets. We didn't talk about it. And that's why it went on for so long. So that's what was going on between like 2017 and up until May of 2023. Wow. And looking back on it now, do you wish you talk to someone in all those instances, you know, your childhood, marriage one, marriage two, just, you know, having someone to, you know, put it all on to and maybe get you some help? Yes. even though like I probably should have sought therapy long before then I didn't start therapy until well into my 30s and more invested in it probably after this recent arrest because my experience in that night just was not normal. It was like I was there but as a bystandard like watching. So when I started trying to figure out what

was going on and seeking therapy and talking to people. They were like, you know, you recognize that this isn't healthy, right? You recognize that this is abuse. You recognize that this is a dynamic of coercive control. And I've never talked to anyone about it. So I just, I got convinced in my own reality that I was crazy that I, like what I was experiencing wasn't happening. Even in my childhood, even in those moments that I've tried to talk to my mother about what's going on, just kind of diminishing my experience there too. And it's helped me a lot to talk to other people and have them validate, not just the experiences, but how I felt and feel going through them. I think it's been really important to take that step. And like this most recent time,

I found what's called a peer, a peer advocate, which is big, really big in New York right now, which is just someone who's leveraging their lived experience to help others, who's, you know, who's navigating that now. And that's the field that I work in, position I work in now with Mental Health America. It had such an impact on me in 2021 after this arrest that I was like, why are there not more of you? So I became one. That's awesome. Yeah. Has your view on marriage shifted at all, or are you still hopeful and still, you know, maintain your values that you've always had about marriage and just, you know, maybe reflecting back on it, maybe it wasn't the right person.

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Get yours now at Los Angeles FWC26. There's still something out there. So I think I still have the same principles on marriage. And in looking at the role I've played, honestly, you know, no one is ever completely innocent in what goes on, right? So me reflecting on my lack of boundaries, right, which was really heavily established in my childhood with my mother, with really close relationships. I didn't have boundaries.

I'd never put myself first. I never advocated for self in these relationships. So that's something that I'm learning now. And I think that's a really healthy thing that would help me to find a healthy relationship in my life. You know, water seeks its own level. So I'm only going to settle with something that's at the same level as me. So if I'm not healed, if I'm toxic, if I have certain things going on that bring negative to the table, I'm only going to get someone really that brings that same.

And I have a duty to myself if I want better to do better and be better. So I'm hopeful maybe third times a charm. I don't know. But I guess we'll see what happens. Yeah, I feel like you get like what you put into the world too now that you're in like a sober, healthy, you know, on a straight path. Like you'll never know what can present itself when those changes happen. Because in the past, you were on a different spot. Yes, 100%.

You know, so I wasn't going to bring in anything more than I was giving out. And as much as, like, people try to, like, put drugs over here and alcohol over here, alcohol, when misused and you're a problem drinker, can make you a shit human being. You still have the same characteristics, you know, manipulation, lying, deceit. you know, a lot of lack of healing on your own part. Like, it's still keeping you back, just like any other drug would, you know. They just, the outward signs are more apparent. It's like heroin, right?

And meth and crack all of those things. But it'll do the same thing to your life. I mean, you go into like a bar or a club and you see how many fights are just between couples. And now a lot of the times they're intoxicated. Right. And then I wonder what the stats are of how much that leads into like a domestic violence case and this and that. A lot of people don't realize that alcohol can lead into something. And it doesn't take like drugs where there might be a buildup.

Alcohol can happen kind of instantly. And you could get, you know, very mad or anything emotional in that situation. Yeah. And even beyond that, like the incident of attempted suicide is higher with someone who's intoxicated. I don't think a lot of people know that. you know if you're in a negative mindset if you've got some things you're battling you know i don't know what it is about alcohol but it helps to remove that thresholds you know and just from my own personal experience i've attempted suicide as well and alcohol was involved in that that day i mean

there were a lot of circumstances you know with my most recent ex-husband and a lot of like psychological warfare that day. But like I started drinking and then it was like, all right, I'm done. Like I'm going to drink all the cough syrup in the house. I'm going to take all the pills. I'm like, I'm just done. And it's like it really can be like a legal poison, not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

It's really not good for us. Yeah, I feel like when I've drank alcohol, there's like you're fun in the moment. But when you get home and you're laying in bed, it kind of like it brings you kind of like depressed thoughts or if you're not with anyone, you're reflecting back and it makes you feel alone. It does definitely have that effect on you completely. Yeah. And it'll mitigate mental health symptoms as well. You know, I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until 2022. But I know now that PTSD, the symptoms of PTSD are what drove me to drink.

but the next day and the days following it made the symptoms worse my anxiety the the depression the like hypervigilance i just was worried about everything and it just it messes with our nervous system it's definitely not healthy for us um at all and i've never felt so good in my life i've been sober almost three years november 14th will be three years and i would never go back to drinking Just knowing what I know now, I wish someone educated me more about alcohol. So I knew all of these things above it just being legal, right? That's the way we excuse it away. It's legal.

There's like I can do this. If I'm over 21, yada, yada, yada. But like for me, it got me arrested five times drinking and driving. You know, I've had a really toxic, weird relationship with cars my entire life from being born in one to like. Like a car, you know, infraction almost got me sent to prison, as weird as that sounds. But being arrested five times for DWI and Duchess County, New York, the district attorney wants you in prison. Even after one, I feel like the state troopers, any type of New York cops, like that's all at growing up on the Connecticut, New York border, everyone always says, you know, never go out that way when you've had any type of alcohol in your system. Yeah.

And I mean, I understand it now a lot more. One of the things that I really wanted to do once I was a year sober, as I saw out speaking on the victim impact panel for DWI. So for about the last year, I'm the only offender speaker that speaks to all DWI offenders that are sentenced to DWI in Dutchess County. and just learning some of the statistics. I'm always the last one to speak, so I get to hear all of the stories of people that have lost someone as a result of someone making the same decision I did. And, you know, I totally get it.

We all have taken that chance, right? Everybody who's been arrested for DWI, that is not the first time that they drank and made that decision. They've made that decision before. They took that chance. They were successful and they've continued that decision. And like someone dies in the United States every 30 minutes as a result of DWI. So like even us sitting here for these couple of hours, it'll be four people by statistics that will have been lost.

And that's crazy. That's something really, really crazy to think about. And me being a five-time offender, I look dangerous. on paper. It's a miracle that I haven't hurt someone. The fact that I'm a repeat offender made me four times more likely to kill someone or myself the next time I drove. And that's really scary to think about, especially because my most recent arrest involved an accident. You know, I could not be here. I could be in prison or I could be dead. Like just thinking that I could be in prison for murder, or vehicular manslaughter, whatever they might have charged me for,

if I had killed someone that night is, I don't know. It's astonishing to think about, honestly. So so often we hear, you know, like the statements, you know, take an Uber or call someone or, you know, that people make it sound very easy to avoid drinking and driving, which, you know, looking at the bigger picture it is. But what's the psychology of someone like, say yourself that's, you know, a few drinks in? what makes you in your mind want to hop behind that wheel or hop in the car? Is it like an emergency situation where you have to get home to maybe say your daughter or

is there no reason? It's just like it just, that's just you. It's a part of your routine to do that. What's that psychological mindset? So for me, the most recent time, you know, there was an emergency basis behind it. So I actually was separated from my husband. and we weren't even living together. And he's followed me.

There's a lot of dynamics of safety and things that I had fear. So I was with my friend celebrating a 40th birthday party, and I got a single text from him that just said, what have you been doing all day? And for me, in my head, that said to me, he knows where I am. And without saying a word, I put my phone in my purse, I got up, I walked out of the house, told no one that I was leaving. I remember vividly I had heels on, like really high heels, six inch heels, going on my trunk,

changing out of my heels, putting on like these ugg boot things. Because in my brain, he knew where I was and I was preparing for what was coming. So, and then he starts calling me and he's screaming at me about where I was, you know, just belittling, berating me, right? And I start to drive off and I don't think I. I actually hit an empty parked car, which it was very fortunate. It could not have been empty. But the way that he was screaming at me, the state of mind that I was in, how hysterical I was, I think, is what led me to that, not how intoxicated I was.

And I say that only because I know what my experience was in the hours following, just him hanging up on me, calling me back. So when I hit the parked car, I actually backed up and left. I drove to the right aid down the street. And in between, I'm hanging up on me, calling me back. He said to me at one point, Carissa, the cops are there, get out of the car and walk to the corner of the building. And I did it. The fuck was I thinking. And I'm hearing the cops say to me, ma'am, stop.

Ma'am, stop. And I have him in my ear telling me to keep walking. And that's what I did. you know so for me it was a little bit different story and just that night like I was not responsive at the scene I was charged with a refusal to which I know now I was probably in a PTSD related response I mean he was there he knew he knew where I was and I think my sixth sense was right and you know I still took a chance and I still have to face the repercussions of that but I think that's much different as opposed to someone who just goes out with friends and doesn't have a plan.

They've done a lot of research into that. Like if you go out and you're like, oh, I'm just going to meet a friend for a drink and then you end up having five because when you showed up there, you didn't have a plan to get home safely, your mind kind of tricks you that like, oh, I just got to get home. I'm not that drunk. You know, you don't think about calling an Uber a lot of the times. You're like, I'll be fine, you know? And your decision making is inhibited when you're intoxicated.

You're not thinking rationally. Yeah, maybe, I mean, maybe that's the main problem. People are going to their location with a car. Like, imagine if, you know, everyone just Ubered or everyone had a ride. Mm-hmm. I'm sure those numbers would drop drastically. Right. And I mean, this may piss some people off, but this is a discussion I've had.

if they really wanted to stop DWI, they could. Every single vehicle would have an interlock on it to start it, right? Where you have to blow into? Right. Like, if they really wanted to stop it, not leave it up to human error, that's a way to do it. Sure, it's inconvenient for all of us. None of us would want to do it. But if they really wanted to stop DWI, there's ways to do it.

Do you think there could be more supervision from the, the bars and bartenders? Yes. I mean, people are definitely being overserved. And I mean, I think it gets tricky because you're putting ownership of someone else's decisions into another adult's hands. Like, is it their responsibility to make sure that that human being is doing the right thing? You know, they're bound by certain laws as bartenders to not overserve, not serve underage.

But how much can we expect them to take the responsibility for another adult? decisions. Yeah, I mean, you go into a crowded club and you're grabbing drinks to your friends. The busy bartender, you say, hey, I need six drinks. It's just pouring it. And it's not, you could keep funneling them to your group of friends. And they wouldn't even know how many they had to drink. Exactly.

It just, it gets really tricky. And to be human is flawed, right? Like DWI is like a product of the human experience. It's just we're not going to make the best decisions all the time. And it's not like a character. or flaw to get a DWI. A lot of people are ashamed of it. You know, that's something I talk about with them in the victim impact panel.

That room is filled with nearly a hundred people every single month from just one county. You're not alone. It happens a lot. Just learn from this. Try and make a better decision so that next time you're not in prison for either being a repeat offender or killing someone or six feet under. because, you know, drunk drivers lose their lives, too. It's not just victims. You know, 26.8% of the deaths as a result of DWI are the drivers themselves.

So they got to think about that, too, wanting to get home to their families, be around for their children, their wives, their husbands, parents, you know, if they're still alive. Was there a flaw in the New York system that allowed you to continuously get that many DWIs? I don't think there was a flaw in the system. I think that I got lucky, if I'm honest. In 2013, when I had so much pending at once, and they were willing to say, these are the circumstances she's under right now. I pled to one to cover them all. And I think in that instance, the DA, seeing that I had only added DWAI before that,

they gave me an opportunity to prove them wrong, right? And I think that was person-centered, and they were trying to see me as an individual. But I didn't take that as an opportunity to say, there's more here. Let me do the work now. Like I said earlier, I acquiesced. I didn't accept it. So there's a big difference between accepting it and saying, I really have a problem, I really have some work to do, and saying, okay, this is what the court system wants me to do. I'm too scared to end up in jail or prison for probation violation. So I'm just going to do what I need to do. And then this time when I was arrested, the district attorney, based on that record, was like,

nah, girl, we're not doing this. And I just so happened, honestly, to be one of the first DWI cases accepted to the diversion court in Duchess County. And I think it was because by the time I had gotten to that point, it was a year post-arrest. I was really discussing what had gone on that night, the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse that were well-established in police reports and photos and evidence. You know, my interactions with victim services, it wasn't that it didn't exist. I just wasn't talking about it until after this arrest. And also my mental health. Like I was diagnosed with PTSD after this arrest.

I was seeking help long before I got to that point. But the diversion court is pretty much like them holding your hand. Do the right thing or this is revoked. And we want you in prison. So we'll send you there. And I think it was like one to three. They wanted me in prison for it. Does New York have a mandatory prison sentence?

I know in Connecticut, I think after like two times or three times because I had a friend where like he had his third DWI and it was straight for six months to prison. Yeah, I think they do have a mandatory if you're convicted. So my charge actually, we're in 2024, is still pending under the diversion court. I was logged in September 1st of 2022. And I think the only reason why I'm still in the court is not because I've done anything wrong. Honestly, I've done everything humanly possible to be the alchemist for change in my own life and do better for myself. But because I've had so much going on, you know, this arrest happened. I got sober.

Fast forward, I was still in this kind of abusive, toxic marriage that was like all over the place. And so May of last year, I kind of finally said, like enough. Like, you know, my recovery, my healing journey brought me to a point where everything else that had happened in the past was never enough to get me to leave. But this time, I was like, I just can't do this anymore. So I ended up leaving with like laundry baskets of clothes, two of them, my dog and ending up in emergency housing just to escape it because I just wanted to be out of it. So the court ended up being one of the biggest support systems in my life because my father is gone. My brothers in Westchester were not super close, not very close with my mother.

So it was like the Diversion court team that was helping me implement all of these things to be able to escape that situation, find a place to live and move forward in life. So I left no car, no job, no savings. I really had not a leg to stand on, but I had just had enough. I just wanted to be somewhere safe and healthy and be able to move forward. So my graduation and progress in the court was kind of halted in order for them to support me through that, which was really weird because I've been through the criminal justice system before.

And I mean, even then, I've said to myself, like, you're not here to help me. You're judging me. You're looking down on me. and I really truly feel like the 10 years prior, that was the case. The probation officers and the criminal justice system thought I was a scumbag and they treated me like it. But this time was much, much, much different. They were the first people I called when something happened. What was the relationship with your daughter during this period of time going through the arrests, going through the diversion program, everything like that?

I think going into the arrest, my relationship was beginning to get very strained with her because she knew I was lying. She would catch me lying. You know, my drinking was at its peak. I wasn't really investing myself in my relationship with her. But as soon as I think I kind of turned it over, maybe give it like a year. And she saw me sober doing all of the things, going to therapy. going to groups. She kind of started to soften on it a bit. And I talk with her very openly about it. That was something that my mother didn't really do with me. So that was something I wanted to do different as a mom. I do pride myself on who I am as a mom. You know, I do think it's something I've done right. And even in my mistakes like this one, she was getting to the point where she was going to start driving. You know, I'm a DWI offender. You know, she's experimenting with drinking. Underage drinking happens. And I think, you know, prevention really starts with talking to your kids and being honest and open. Not every parent is a felon as a result of DWI. But like I just was really honest with her. Like these are the things that can happen. And I'd rather you call me and us talk about it and be able to talk about it than something happening. You know, whether or. it's you or your friends. And I think through that and honestly through this arrest and my growth that's happened in the last three years, we are the closest that we've ever been because I've finally

just done some healing and been transparent and honest and authentically owned who I am and been able to be honest with her as my kid. Like she deserves that at this point, the things that have my name on them that I've put her through. I should answer to those because that's something that I wanted my mother to do for me that I never got. So I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Was she ever teased her picked on in school or by her friends because of what you were going through? Honestly, I don't think so. She was picked on because she was always like really little until like four years ago. but there weren't really a lot of signs that there were problems, I think, until she was older. And then when she was in high school, I was honest with all of her friends.

I wouldn't say I was the cool mom just because Gabby didn't want me to be the cool mom. But when they were at the house, I would talk to them all about it. You know, I was the parent that was doing that. And they all understood and knew where I was coming from. And especially in the recent year, so she's 19. she just graduated from high school last year. They're old enough to know, right? And I think that they appreciated those conversations

and being able to talk to me about some things and know if they needed a DD home from a party that they could call me, that I would rather do that than have to worry about them. So I don't really, I mean, unless, people said things and she just didn't want to hurt my feeling. She's never really told me that anyone said anything. Ready or not, summer is coming. And Wayfair's Memorial Day clearance is on now. Right now through May 25th, get up to 70% off everything home at Wayfair. Plus, score amazing

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TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be. Negative, which I'm grateful for. Yeah, it must be tough to have, you know, like a child see their parent go through, like, the criminal justice system and having to explain that to friends and just, you know, it's just like it's kids could be mean for things that they don't even understand. Yeah, I mean, and I went through it in elementary school. My brother and I were waiting at the bus. We lived in a complex.

There were a whole bunch of kids and parents there. And in come the sheriff's department. And they're arresting my mom on a bench warrant while we're standing at the bus. I mean, that wasn't quite what was happening with me and my daughter. But, I mean, still, like, people know. People see mugshots. There's social media now. Like, everything is so connected and so out there.

So, you know, that is something I worried about the fallout. from that, how it would affect Gabby if people would find out or say negative things. What was the process like of, you know, being in recovery for alcohol and staying away from it? Because I feel like alcohol is hard in the sense to overcome because it's so, it's everywhere. You know, you're going into a restaurant. You're going into a bar. You're going to a friend's party. Whereas, like, drugs, you know, you go to someone's house.

They more likely than not are not going to have like cocaine or heroin or anything on that. So what was that experience like for you? I think that whole dynamic is weird because alcohol really is the only drug that if you don't do it, people ask you why. And that's a really weird interaction to have. But like you said, it's everywhere. Even if you go on to Hudson Valley happenings and you're looking for adult events to go to near. all of them include alcohol. It's all about helping adults escape their experience in this life. And so for me, it entailed a lot of isolation, to be honest, until I had done some work and

got comfortable being around it, because I just didn't want to deal with the questions or explaining myself. And everybody drinks. It's so socially acceptable, right? And I recognize, too, not everyone's a problem drinker. Like, not everybody goes out for a 40th birthday and ends up in jail at town of Poughkeepsie police holding cell in the morning facing a felony. You know, I get that too, but a lot of it was the social detox of it. What made it easy for me to interact with human beings? Because sober, I was terrible at that for a long time.

It was like my social lubricant to help me be social. So without it, I had a lot of anxiety being around people, being in public situations. Some of that's just me. Some of that probably was the PTSD. It's gotten better. But it's hard. Alcohol, removing alcohol from your life as a problem drinker is hard. You lose a lot of friends.

You lose a lot of hobbies. You don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. Life gets really boring, you know. And it's boring at first, but once you kind of say, sit with it a little while. You realize that's peaceful. It's peaceful and not boring. Yeah. I mean, I love just like staying in and watching a show now. And I'd rather like I've been doing like edibles lately, the Mike Tyson like gummies and stuff who sponsored the show. And I'd rather do that than drink. And because I know like with edibles, I would never take them in a public setting because I know the

effect it has on me. And just like with drinking, I don't know. I just always feel like crap the next day. I hate the feeling of feeling like crap afterwards. Like it's great in the moment, but it sucks kind of after. You feel sick. Yeah, you feel sick. You like bog down because I like to get up, go in the gym in the morning, do on my routine. Like if I, like, I've done a couple interviews where like I was out the night before. This is like when I was first starting, had some drinks or this and that. And because you're, you want to hang out with people or you want to be with this person or whatever. And it sucks the next day and you're not present. And then it's tough to navigate. And I can only imagine, like, dating, for example, when you're, when you meet up with a guy and he's ordering drink after drink and you're sitting there, that's got to be a whole different ballgame.

Yeah. So I haven't done much dating, if I'm honest, for that reason. I mean, I'm very comfortable being around alcohol now. I don't care if someone drinks. But some of it is to like a turnoff. You know, I know how I behaved when I was intoxicated. There's some stuff that I've done that I'm ashamed. I don't even remember, right? So being in a situation where someone has that intent to like alter their experience and get that the potential is for them to get that intoxicated, I just don't even. I have no interest in that. Like I don't want to be dealing with that mess. Like I had to deal with my own intoxicated bullshit.

Like I just, I don't want to be dealing with that with someone else. now, like that's really, that's a difficult part of dating, I think. Because, again, it's a social lubricant. Everybody's nervous walking into a date, right? That's what people do. Let's go get drinks. That is true. Right?

Yeah. Like, that's what they do when they first start dating. It makes it easier to talk to each other. Yeah, I wonder how many people are in your shoes maybe and are refusing to put themselves out there because they're struggling with that, but they don't know how to express that. So, like, what advice would you tell that person? that might be struggling with that, but wants, you know, to find somewhere to get back out there in the field. I think it's all based on their comfort level, right?

Like being open and honest. The second I decided that I was done hiding who I was and all the shame surrounding my life and my story and I started talking about it, you know, obviously it's, you have to set some boundaries. You're not like fucking word salad telling everything to everybody. first time you meet them. But like saying this is my background, this is who I am, it's an important part of who I am, it's not going to change. How do you feel about it? You know, or telling them how you feel about it. I'm sober. I can go out to dinner with you if you want a drink or two. That's okay with me. But these are the boundaries that I set as far as that goes. Just boundary setting. Communication. Communication bridges a lot of gaps, reduces a lot of anxiety. Has for me.

me and I think for a lot of other people. Do you substitute alcohol with something else, like maybe a non-alcoholic drink or anything in those types of social settings? Not really. I mean, there's been sometimes where I've gone to restaurants to have those really bougie mottale, like menus that I've ordered them sometimes, but I'm okay with just a water, just a Pepsi. You know, I don't really do anything extra.

I love food, so I go to restaurants. I just eat a lot. Well, you always get, like, looked weird when you just order a water, you know? I know. Like, that's how society has made us or a culture. Like, you're the odd one out. If you go, like, sit at the bar, I'll take a water. Mm-hmm.

It's just, you know. I'm okay being the boring person now because I was the girl that was dancing on the bar or I was fighting with somebody. Like, I got really brutal in my 20s. Like, someone could look at me wrong and I'd be fighting. That's not who I am or like or who I want to be. Men, bouncer and bekipsy that like when I walked up, they were like, it's you. And I'm like, oh, my God.

I can't picture you as a fighter. This is so embarrassing. But I was. Like, it's just, you know, I'm okay being the boring person now, like peaceful. You know, peace can be boring, but it can be like really validating and help you grow. So being able to sit with yourself. I couldn't sit with myself. That's why I drank.

But learning to sit with myself, sit in that static, that uncomfortable place. Growth only happens outside of your comfort zone. And alcohol just numbs you from the discomfort. Now, even though you're in recovery for alcohol, will you do something else like, say, marijuana, for example, or is that off limits for you? No, I've never done it. I don't know. I've never been interested in it or any other drugs. A lot of that is my childhood.

And, like, I mean, admittedly, when I was younger, my teens, I was really judgmental of people that smoked pot. Like, I found out my dad smoked pot and it was like the end of the world for me. And, like, I should have known better because he had, like, long hair and wore bandanas. Like, it should have been clear that he was a pothead, but I missed that boat. But, like, as I got older and I know more about the science behind it, I understand that It's an alternative medicine now. I have a lot of friends that use it for anxiety or insomnia, you know, different purposes.

It's not like that same when, well, when I was a kid, I'm a little younger than you. Like we would get arrested if there was like a roach in our ashtray in our car. Yeah, I remember that that happened during my days, you know, in middle school or high school. You get caught with like a dime bag or a court, anything, any residents of marijuana, it was a big deal. Now it's casual. Yeah, so I don't judge. You know, I don't judge it at all. If people do it, it's just not for me. I'm a gym person going outside. You have your dog. I would see you posting pictures with the dog. Yeah. Animals are a big part of my life and like my journey. So horses, dogs. I've had some really impactful dogs that have carried me through some difficult times. So I don't think I'll ever have a house with. a dog in it.

Dogs are great. Yeah. I got my dog a year after or less than a year after I got out of prison and it was really good to have that. That was before I had a girlfriend or anything. Just having that relationship with the dog was really a game changer. Yeah. And they're so excited to see you.

Yeah. No matter what, they'll always be excited to see you. And I'm like, fuck yeah. You're home. Like right on. Party. Like it's just the best feeling. That is funny.

Yeah. I saw TikTok recently like how they were talking. about how, you know, like, no matter what happens, like, you could get into a fight with your significant other, whoever, your dog is still going to be there for you. Yeah. I love it. I mean, I lost one of my dogs earlier this year, and I just got this puppy. She's fucking nuts.

She's a boxer. So I named her pickles. My daughter hates it. So if she refuses to call her that, she calls her Zena. But, like, she's just so wild. I don't know if you know a boxer's. but they'll like, they can jump really high. She's just fucking shit up.

I didn't know boxers jumped. She's wild. Wow, interesting. It's like, it's bringing some happiness back to my life. Because for a while, navigating all of the stressors and just basic survival from like May of last year, like, the floor dropped out of my life. And I didn't know where I was going, sitting in a shelter, trying to figure out a job. You know, I interviewed for the job that I'm working in. now homeless in that shelter. And I've just been so focused on progress and, you know, getting to the

next level and creating stability for myself that I haven't really been living life in about 15 months. Even when I had my previous dog, she was so well behaved and was just attached at my hip. So whatever my journey looked like, she was okay taking that journey with me. Whereas this puppy is like, no, you got to slow down. Like we got to sit still or it's time to take me out or like you got to pay attention to me. You got to play with me. My other girl was older. She was a Connie Corso and she just, she would sleep in bed with me all day if that's what I wanted to do.

It's just reminding me to slow down and get back to living life and being an individual. Not a person in recovery, not a person that works at Mental Health America. of Duchess, not a person that's going through a divorce right now, or the person that's enrolled in a bachelor's degree, you know, for addiction studies. Life, I packed it so busy with things that I just stopped living. And she's like knocking on that door every day. That's pretty cool. When you were arrested and put into jail for that night for driving under the influence,

when does it hit you of what's happening? Is it in the moment when you're getting arrested? Is it while you're in the jail cell or is it the next day completely? So that night was like really weird because I was so like zoned out. I don't know how to explain it. But it's what said to me that I needed bigger help. Like this was more than the alcohol. But I remember like I was taken to the hospital first and then I was transported to the town.

And I was coherent. Like I'm talking to them at the police station. And like I remember, I don't know, there's just some things. I remember asking them for a phone call. And they handed me my husband's business card. And like, it was just, I was like, okay, they're not here to, like, protect me. So I kind of just went back into that. Like, all right, I just got to get through this mentality.

So I think it didn't really hit me. They turned me over to him in the morning. Like I had a dead cell phone. And he drove me right to an attorney's office. Like still like disheveled smelling like alcohol. And it was sitting in that attorney's office. Like just looking around. I wasn't even saying anything.

Like he was speaking for me. And I'm just like, what the fuck is going on? And the attorney saying me, like, you're a felon. Congrats, pretty much. And I was like, what the fuck? And, like, I'm thinking, like, my daughter, I got to get my phone turned on so that they know where I am. Like, all of, like, my brain was going 100 miles an hour at that moment at the attorney's office. Do you think if that didn't happen to you, if you didn't get arrested that night, you would still be drinking today?

Yeah. We're dead, if I'm honest. My mental health was really bad at that point. So that was November of 2021. I had attempted suicide in May of 2021. And I didn't tell anyone about it. My spouse knew about it. But there was like some re-traumatization there. Some of it was like from that psychological warfare from him that day. And then when I made, the attempt, he didn't call for help, he took pictures of me, or just some things, you know, that kind of were building up, I think, that I was in serious distress. And even beyond my own demons, like having looked him in the face at times in that year and said, I'm going to end up killing you. Like, having said that out loud to him. Like, just the way that it was like traveling down that road how fearful I was getting of certain situations what was happening feeling trapped and I mean definitely times where he made me fear for my safety physically following me you know trying to run me off the road in my car he's dragged me out of my

car smashed the entire house around me and you know concurrent to this the niki outamondo case was going on in our county, which I don't know if you have heard a lot about, but it was a domestic abuse and violence case where she ended up in order to escape her abuser. She shot him. And just that was what was in my head, like feeling so trapped, like I wasn't going to escape it. And having been involved with victim services secretly and having them talk to me about statistics about like when you try and leave, you know, it's the most dangerous kind of stuff. And I still wasn't really accepting that this was an abusive relationship. But I remember saying to him that year, like, either you or me is going to end up dead. Because there was addiction

on his part that made it very chaotic and escalated too. And I wasn't talking about it. So like in my head. It's just, and knowing that night in May where I kind of was like held hostage in my house, like, it was getting worse. So whether it would have been him or me, I just, I would have been still drinking in prison or dead, I think, if this arrest didn't happen. Knowing the stats you know about how many, you know, deaths are caused by drinking while intoxicated, do you ever experience feelings of Survivor's Gill at all, knowing that you were in those shoes but didn't die or didn't hurt anyone? Yeah. I mean, every time I stand in the front of that room every month, I just spoke last Thursday at the victim impact panel.

Every single time, it's hard to stand in front of that room and recognize that I was one of the lucky ones. it's the best alternative that I could have had given every choice that I've made. You know, there's so many others that are really good people. But like, these choices and the court system don't, it doesn't discriminate. They don't care if you're a good person and made this decision if you killed someone, you know, or driving while drunk doesn't discriminate either in taking your life. as a drunk driver. Like I am very lucky and I continue to recognize that every day.

You know, I'm fortunate. How did you get to the point where you're comfortable enough to start sharing your story on social media and talking about your experience and using it as a tool and shaping your life kind of around that and building the current world you have now? I think that happened when I made that application. to be in emergency housing and leave. It was May 18th of last year, 2023. And I was sitting in this shelter. It was a Hyde Park Inn.

It's like this most disgusting motel that I've ever been in. And they placed me there. And I had no car, no way out. I was just like in this bubble hiding in this room. Isolated, you know, I didn't really have any family, like nobody. And I was going crazy in that room. room and I think that's when I really started like recording doing TikToks or posting memes and sharing a little bit about my story because I think if I didn't I would have gone crazy

and that kind of snowballed into just you know what like I had a peer early on in my recovery that helped me so I think that there should be. be more of them. And I did my licensure, all my classes, homeless in the shelter and applied to MHA. And I was like, you know, just authentically owning my story, even if no one says anything to me about it, hopefully it resonates with somebody because that's what happened with me, just that one peer from Duchess County talking to me about their journey to recovery. So I started posting and then there would be trickles of people like, thanks for sharing. that. I never would have guessed you've been through that. This is kind of what I'm going through.

Can you give me some advice? Or it's giving me the strength to make some decisions or things like that. Just people privately letting me know that it resonated with them. Maybe they weren't ready to share their journey yet, but they just needed to feel like they were less alone. And my posts did that for them. So it just kind of bolstered that. Like I continued to do that. I applied to work in the fields. I've been working in the field for a year now. And even just the few clients that I feel like I've made an impact with in that year that I've developed a really great rapport just by saying, like, I am you, you are me. I've walked the same kind of path as you. I've walked through this fire before. I'm not scared. And just reaching back to kind of give them confidence to do it has just kept increasing.

that. What advice would you give to someone that is, you know, struggling or or afraid of sharing their story on social media and being able to tell it, you know, like we all have difficult pass and I've had moments we don't like to share, but how do you get over that hump of being open and honest about it and talking about it? For me, I think it started with sharing it with just one person. You know, I had a lot of questions about my story, how, like, Or my feelings surrounding it right, valid, you know? And the fact is, no matter what anyone else feels about your story and what you've been through, how you feel about it, how you experienced it, is valid. And like I started just with sharing with some of my best friends and then therapists.

And that first time, like I was kind of scared. I think like I made the post-private again, like within an hour. Like, I was nervous. And some of it is just like failing forward and doing it anyway. Like growth happens outside of your comfort zone in every aspect, not just recovery, but like if you want to further your career, if you want to chase a further education, like you don't know what any of that is. You've never been there before and you never will if you're not willing to step over that threshold of just being uncomfortable for a little bit.

And that's what I did. and like it was really I felt really vulnerable and exposed for a while but in time just a handful of people saying to me you know hey thank you for that it's going to make an impact

sharing your story will become someone else's survival story one day maybe even without you realizing it like someone will latch on to something Yamava Resort and Casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination for the biggest shows this summer Catch vocal powerhouse Christina Aguilera July 21st.

Rock out to Imagine Dragons July 23rd and enjoy the signature G-Funk sounds of Snoop Dog July 24th. Tickets are on sale now at Yamava Theater.com. Only a Yamava resort and casino celebrating its 40th anniversary. You win? Must be 21 to enter. You've said or been through and say, if that person has done it, so can I. What's your relationship with your mom now? It's still not very close. I think it's getting better as I've, you know, gotten further down my recovery journey

as I've gotten better at boundary setting because I really had no boundaries even with her for a really long time. I just let her do and say whatever she wanted to do. And I think now that my daughter is older and she's not a leverage point. my mom used to try and leverage my daughter a lot, has removed that dynamic. And my mom has been sober since, Jesus, 1995. That's a long time. Like, I give her credit.

She definitely stepped into a new life and she created a different life for herself. She remained sober. She did her thing. Like, I got to give her credit for that. We just never really on that journey did work on our relationship. It was always the, I'm sober now. I'm not going to pay for this forever. And I'm one of those, obviously, because I talk publicly about my own story that has to talk about things to process them.

So I think it's getting better for sure. You know, she's getting older. I'm getting older. Life is short. Our family unit is really small. It's just me, her, my daughter, my brother, his wife. I have a cousin. It's really it.

Close circles are always better. You don't need a big group. You just need a few people. Yeah. And I always felt that way, but I feel like when my father died, that dynamic of our family kind of he took with him. It's something that really upset me because we always were bonding over. holidays and food and us being together. Even my divorced parents would be together. And when he passed away, that kind of changed. But it is something that I value and I wish I still had.

I think I kind of sought that through my relationships with my intimate partners and their families after that. But hopefully it can get better. She did ask me to brunch on Sunday. Oh, that's good. Today's her birthday, actually. So that's why she's going. That's good. Yeah. What do you want the biggest takeaway from your story to be for someone that's, you know, listening, is struggling themselves, was struggling and is overcome it or has a family member, a loved one, a friend that's struggling? I think, one, recovery is possible. And two, you can absolutely leverage some of your greatest struggles in life as opportunities for great.

growth. I think those two are the most important things to take away from it. What do you think is next for you? What are the next five years look like if you have that planned? What do you want to accomplish? I'm getting my degree. I've always wanted a degree. I don't know why I attach worth to that. But for me, that's something I attach worth to. I'd really like to just continue sharing my story, maybe even on a bigger platform. Obviously increase my income. Everybody wants to be financially successful, you know, and that's part of me bettering my

relationship with money because it was really bad. I was the poor kid when I was young and I wasn't given good money principles. And who knows? Any opportunity that comes my way. You know, I'm willing to try anything. You learn as you go and that's a great mindset. Yeah. Try it.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For coming on the show. You did great for your first, like, official podcast. And hopefully this opens up the doors for you for bigger platforms and more experiences like this. Yeah. Thank you so much.