Locked In with Ian Bick - Cashing $50,000 In Stolen checks, Robbing Men, Stealing Lawn Mowers & Surviving Jail | Bri Jaynes

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

Brianna Jaynes is here to share her story of how addiction led her to rock bottom and all the crazy stories that came with it. By the end of the episode we hear how she was able to overcome her struggles and create a new life for herself. Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Connect with Bri Jaynes: https://www.instagram.com/brijaynes/reels/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Buy Merch: https://lockedinbrand.com Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:05:00 - Overcoming Stereotypes and Making a Difference 00:10:13 - The Importance of Communication in Relationships 00:14:48 - The Perfect Storm 00:19:40 - Nursing 00:24:54 - A Mother's Guilt and Growth Through Recovery 00:30:02 - A Journey through Recovery in Florida 00:35:11 - The Worst Six Months of My Life 00:40:15 - Robbing People for Money 00:45:15 - A Series of Unfortunate Events 00:50:05 - Symptoms in Jail 00:55:08 - Family Life 01:00:27 - Support from Family and the Roller Coaster of Emotions 01:05:37 - Overcoming Challenges in Obtaining a Nursing License 01:10:30 - Reflections on Prison Experience 01:15:36 - Embracing personal growth 01:20:46 - Intellectual Conversation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ryan Reynolds here for MintMobil. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistants assistants to switch you to MintMobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch. Up front payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available.

Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at Mintmobile.com. You know, you meet this guy and you're like, oh, you're going to come hang out after I cash this truck? And I'm like, oh, sure. I go cash and give them the money and they're like, are you coming back to my house? Oh, I can't tonight. My daughter has this going on. I have to go right now.

Like, there was always an excuse. And a lot of guys wanted to me over that. Like, I remember one guy went to his house and had my friend come in and pretend to be like my brother. and as soon as I walked in to hang out with this guy, like he comes in and he's like, Bree, we got to go. It's an emergency. And I'm like, oh, no, my stomach. Like, just, you know, and the guy's like, I just gave you 500 to borrow.

I was like, can I just have it? Like, I'll come back tomorrow. And he's like, mm-hmm. Welcome to your favorite podcast, Locked in. On today's episode, Brianna Janes is here to share her story of how addiction led her to rock bottom and all the crazy stories that came with it. By the end of the episode, we hear how she was able to overcome her struggles and create a new life for herself.

I want to give a big thanks to all those who leave a comment on our YouTube podcast episodes or a review on our episodes on Spotify and Apple. It helps us tremendously get the show out there to more people. Remember, you could stay up to date on all the exciting things we have coming to the Locked In podcast by following me on Instagram at Ian underscore B. Now sit back, relax, and get ready to lock in with Brianna James. Bree, welcome to locked in, driving all the way from Buffalo today to get here. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I was shocked you who drove from Buffalo. That's a long trip. I mean, I love driving. I'm definitely not. I'm a dab to it, and it's better than flying. I was going to fly because I was having car troubles. But, yeah, thank you for having me on the show. I definitely am thankful for that, and I appreciate it.

Of course, yeah. And, you know, thanks to your friend for, accompanying you on the journey so you're not all alone. Oh, yeah. She's like my support animal. She comes on a lot of these and she absolutely helps with everything. Like she's one of my people and I need her to process and, you know, get to that point. I have another friend who comes to.

It's good to have that support system. It is. I think that's like super vital in finding your place and finding your people and having like a specific group that supports you and like your biggest dreams and careers and everything you want to do. It's just so essential to have the support. Now, unlike most of our guests that come on the show, you are very used to doing podcasts and being filmed. You're working on a documentary about your story.

Yes, I am. I do quite a few of these. I've been doing them for about five years now, I believe. As far as the documentary goes, I can't release too much information on that barring, you know, contracts. But, you know, I have been through a lot of situations involving, like, human trafficking. in the rehab industry and my recovery and going through, you know, going to jail and having a lot of these things that relate to your show as well. So, yeah, I am very used to doing these.

I get nervous still and I still get all weird and like blushy and, you know, I'm not always great at it, but I do love doing them. What made you want to come on this show today? I actually was watching different podcasts and I don't relate to a lot of them. even the recovery field is somebody in recovery myself i don't relate to a lot of those podcasts because they kind of have the same energy that they promote yours is a little different you know it's a little bit out of the box it's a different vibe i just kind of like that i adapt to this a little better because it's not just me talking about how great i am and all this stuff i've done it's like this other side

of like okay we went through these type of experiences and there's like this grungy aspect to it And we never get to talk about that. I don't. I feel like it's always like, oh, my life's great, no, and I'm not sad anymore, you know? So, yeah, that's. Well, you know, it's documentary style, which is why I think this is so different. Your average podcast you listen to is not documentary style. Right.

It's more like you get into it. You're talking, this and that. And that's great. That's a different genre. I'm very about, you know, like I love a person's story. I love a good story. And that has a beginning, a middle and end. And everyone has that.

every human being in the world has a beginning, a middle, and not an end in the sense of death, which eventually everyone dies, but an end in the sense of, you know, how they overcame that situation. And I think that's so fascinating with people how they came full circle. I absolutely agree. Everybody has, like, a valuable experience in them, and I don't think that people really realize, like, the power they hold in their story, you know, when you're some small, you know, girl from a hometown with a very small population and you go through an experience and then like you get into this type of thing like oh there's a lot of people out there who want to share their stories in the

world and get into some sort of like powerful inspiration motivation and speaking and they can't because they feel like you know they're being held back or they're being you know stereotyped or you know so like things like this really bring people who are just your average person that you go about in the street and you find out they have a really powerful story that can affect so many people, even if it's just one person. It is what it is. You make a difference, absolutely. Absolutely.

And that's the point of all this. So thank you. Yeah, of course. So where did you grow up? What was small town for you? I grew up in, you know, I will say, you know, near Erie. It's very small, like 5,000 people max. That's very small.

Yeah, very small. You know everybody, you know, classic. Like, I didn't grow up with a lot of people. money. I didn't have a lot of anything actually, you know, alcoholic father, mom very stable, didn't do anything. So, you know, that dynamic. And it was just so close knit that everything was like, any move you make in that town, you have to know somebody or be blowing the right person to be getting what you want in that town. And that felt very oppressive growing up. And I was like that rebellious kid that always wanted to like, you know, rip outside of myself and I hated school.

And I did well in it. You know, I was intelligent, but I didn't really care to be intelligent if that makes sense, you know. So, yeah. And everyone's kind of like in their own business. Like I grew up in a kind of a bigger town. Danbury is a bigger town, like 100,000 people. But the community, it was like this gated, like, community. And everyone knew everyone's business.

Of course. Is that kind of like what it was for you? Yeah, just on a much more, like, closer scale. Maybe. I mean, you go to Buffalo, too. And I've lived out there. I've lived in a couple other places. And it's still the same thing.

You know what I just found out about garbage plates. That's a thing in, like, Buffalo and Rochester. What are they? You've never heard of that? No. Oh, I thought, like, all people for, like, Buffalo and that area, like, I guess you go into a restaurant and you order a garbage plate. You never heard of this? To just, like, dump all your food on the plate and go?

I guess it's, like, certain specials. You've got to look into this. Why are they called a garbage plate? I'm asking you. That's gross. Yeah, I just heard. I've had people that are out in that area that they, I guess it's a thing. But maybe it's not because you don't know about it. No, I don't listen. I'm sheltered. I don't know. Maybe I'm just sheltered because I think I have heard of it.

But I mean, I'm from smaller area far from there. Not that far, but you know what I mean. In proximity, it's still like an hour drive to get out there. So did you graduate high school? I did. I graduated year early. A year early. So you were on top of things. I was on drugs, but yeah, I mean, it was on top of things I could be in that state of mind, correct? Yeah. Did you have like ambitions, aspirations? On one side of things, yes. Like I liked writing. I was into, you know, social media. I did like that. I liked filming myself a lot. I really wanted to be a public speaker. That was a big thing. And I remember like a counselor telling me I should do that at one point. and I felt like I was kind of drowning in the fact that I was using so much and so like addicted to dating guys and them not being great for me and just like into that scene and partying.

So I did have a lot of ambitions but I wasn't sure where they were going to go. Like I remember thinking I had lived everything I wanted to live in my life at 17. I'm like, mom, if I die, it's okay. Like, I've done everything. She's like, no, you have not. Please do never say that to me again. And I'm like, oh, okay. Where did you think you got that personality from your dad or your mother?

Or were they not even not like you? You might have felt like you were adopted. I'm like this weird mix. Like my dad is very charismatic and outgoing and, you know, he was a good looking guy, very intelligent and computer smart. But also was very like kind of careless. and did what he wanted and partied until he was like 60, you know what I mean? He was that kind of guy.

My mom's like the straight edge, super loving, you know, empath to 100% type of person that you just don't expect on this planet. And that's kind of the best way to put her because I've met only that girl sitting out there in comparison to my mom's type of selflessness. So, you know, I can see the traits in myself from both of them, but I don't really think I'm like either. them. I think there's parts, but I am my own breed. What about you? Oh, you want to question me? I do. What do you want to know? Okay, so are you more like your mom or your dad? What do you think came down to you? A good mixture of both. I think I get my dad's work ethic and I have my mom's, you know, an emotional side, like ability to feel emotion, give emotion, you know, like that caring side, whereas my dad might be a little bit tougher on the edges. It's like an emotional

standpoint with thoughts and feelings and I'm a very good communicator of my thoughts and feelings and I'm very vocal about that and I think that's what makes me good in this role of asking people to share their deepest, darkest thoughts. But, you know, I was always the lover boy, you know? Like I was always just like my friends would joke around me about me for that. And I think that definitely comes from my mom's side. That's not a bad thing, though. I feel like men have this issue. I mean, I don't want to stereotype all men, but I feel like a lot of the ones I come in contact with. It's like this block or this repression from emotion and vocalizing communication. Women want to be communicated with. You know, I would say a lot of us, that is our biggest issue,

is communication. And then the emotional aspect of things is so vital. You know, we make it out like, okay, if a guy is emotional, or if he's loving, or if he's just that type of person, there's something wrong with him, or, you know, he's just too soft. But there is a give and take, and I do believe a lot of that, you know, finding people that really understand you want to communicate with you. You understand each other's brains. You know how to intermash. And you vocalize all this. So that's a beautiful thing. And thank God your mom gave that to you. Yeah. But I mean, like you were just saying, I think when you deal with the men that aren't like that, kind of scare certain women away when they meet the men that are like that. And it gives them like kind of like a damaging aspect to it,

which is unfortunate, you know, because like you said, most women do ultimately want someone that can communicate is ambitious. as doing all these things and has that ability to love and give love. But I think it puts women's guard up in that sense. It does. It's almost like they're not used to it. They come in contact with it and it's foreign. And they're like, okay, something's got to be wrong.

Yeah. So when you find the man that does that, you got to savor him, you know? You can't throw them out there. Which some people do, you know? Right, right. It's kind of like a lose-lose sometimes. It can be. It can be.

And then for someone like you, I don't know if you experience. that were like girls with like you know you be the nice guy coming in trying to like you know be there and they're like I want to I want to go with that guy the one who's got you know I think those type of girls are just not ready to settle down like if they can't like ultimately you want like a nice guy not like someone that's like a pushover where like if you're disrespectful like he's going to put up with that but like ultimately like a nice guy that's patient with you that's caring and that it's hard working has goals because there's a lot of I look around there's a lot of fucking shitty men out there, you know?

Both. Yeah, and there's shitty woman too. So I think when you find someone that cares about you and stuff, you kind of got to put your ego or pride aside and just be like, wow, this could be something good for me. Even if you're not ready to accept it in that moment, it's just thinking like, hey, this could be good for me in the future. Let me change my act up and let me work on this. Right.

And a lot of people aren't willing to work on themselves for, you know, the sake of like a good partnership. Because think about like if you're a power couple with somebody, you can literally like do anything and they're so worried about their own potential and a potential of their partner right now and it's like trauma and the cycles and you know when people are in pain they just emanate that pain but nobody wants to work through it you know this is the thing i get a lot is people just don't want to address their own red flags so then when like they meet somebody who's good for them you know and they've already been through a lot of these traumatic experiences it's like they don't feel like

they're worth the ability to like you know meet that person and not hurt them you know so then they're like no I'm just going to go back to what feels normal and non-caotic to me which is chaotic in itself you know yeah absolutely when was the first time you experienced using drugs I smoked pot when I was about 16 I love how you call it pot my friends make fun of me for calling it pot too marijuana marijuana um yeah I did it because I was out of a boyfriend to the cycles. I was angry, so I smoked to try to be cool. And, you know, and then that was, like, kind of my first introduction to any type of substance.

And then after that, it kind of, like, progressed from there. And it was about a year after that that it really started to progress at all. Why do you think it progressed? What was the trigger for you to move on from pot, weed, marijuana, whatever you want to call it, to that next level? Emotions. Once again, it's not because of a guy, but I get triggered by emotions very, I guess, heavily at that time. And I am very logical in every other aspect of my life, which I still think is ironic. But, you know, so I was young and, like, going out and I just started meeting people who were more like, you know, in that scene.

And I had always been kind of like the girl who hung out with her out there, you know, Ariel, my best friend. And it was really just Ariel and like my one other friend. hear her laughing out here. Yeah, I have known her. I forgot she's listening. I have known her since we were like eight years old, you know. So, and then, you know, now I have like people who I'm close with. But at that time, I had started moving into this other scene of people. And I so desperately wanted to be accepted. But at the same time, I always went against the social norms in my head. It was like this mix of like, I feel different, but I don't want to feel different anymore. You know, So I was very triggered into like I met a guy who was on pills.

He was a lot older. He was like he had slept with all my friends. And I didn't really like him that much when I first met him. Like I just wasn't really into the whole idea of being with him. But he had introduced me into pills. And then I felt like he was somehow doing something for me, I guess. And he was like taking me places and making sure I was safe. He was doing a lot for me at that time.

But I think that kind of like cycle over came from. just all these changes that I was putting myself through in order to be accepted. And then using was this like my brain moves very quickly. You know, I have high anxiety. And it's always like going really fast. And I remember the first time I picked up substance that wasn't the marijuana. You know, it was pills and it was their opioids. It was like everything just slowed down.

And that was the first time I could breathe. And I felt good for a minute. But I realized very quickly that that good feeling just got shorter and shorter. and shorter until it turned into like a monstrous disaster. Now there's two aspects of this. I mean, I think the biggest one is the environment aspect because you could have what you are feeling going on, but something else could have been accessible. Like maybe food could have been your outlier or you could have put that energy into the

gym or a different man or whatever, you know, but because the drugs are accessible, those emotions, which are very common happen to anyone, you kind of like, last. on to those because of their accessibility in the environment. Yes, I think it was like the perfect storm. And it could have been anything else, you know. I do believe there is a genetic aspect. You know, a lot of my family does have substance abuse issues. So I don't think it was some big surprise that it happened.

But based off the personality I had and the way my life had been going prior to that, you really wouldn't have seen me as the one who got hooked on heroin. Like I was the kid that talked down on people that were, using and wanted to be with somebody who I idealized as, you know, well off and not using anything and just had their life together. But this is where we kind of look after our parents. And my father was the opposite of what I actually wanted in a partner. I didn't hate him.

I just wanted somebody not like him, but I ended up with people that actually, you know, emulated a lot of those traits. So see how I fell into his same cycle, you know. And then I understood him more. But yeah. Why do you think people do that? They find partners that resemble a parent? I think there's two sides.

Like, I think either you don't always know you're meeting somebody who's going to be like your parent. I think there's, you know, when you grow up in a childhood and environment, it feels very normal, you know, to you. It doesn't mean it's normal in, you know, perspective of a majority. But you go out in the world and you meet somebody who gives you this kind of like a peaceful feeling because they feel like what you're used to. And you might say to yourself, oh, this person's, you know, I feel the red flags coming on, but they may look like they're doing well and they're good for you. And you're feeding off that chaotic energy that you want so much that you think feels peaceful. So you get into it and then down the road you find out like they're just not your person. And they actually may be a lot like that parent that you promised yourself.

You know, you didn't want someone who was alike their characteristics. And that's from, you know, unhealed wounds. I really do think that those are childhood wounds that we haven't addressed or maybe may never address, you know. And then you got the other side that they're like, I'm never going to be, you know, like my parent, like my mom. I was like, I'm never going to be so loving that I destroy my whole life. You know, I used to say that all the time. I don't want to be so selfless that I don't give to myself. And I let myself go down hell, you know, and let other people take advantage of me.

I love her. And thank God she did give me the love she did. But that was like one of those things I thought about a lot. And I ended up kind of doing the same thing in a lot of aspects. And now I'm a nurse who takes care of people. And, you know, it's around. Yeah, I'm a nurse. You know, it's a reoccurring theme that, especially among the females that have battled addiction and overcome it, they go into the nursing field.

Yeah. I mean, I was on drug court and went into it. They didn't want me to, you know, because I was in early recovery. And I do think it was a very good. thing to do. I see people go into counseling a lot, like in our area, I think. I know a couple now. Now, as times gone on, I've met a lot of nurses in recovery.

When I first did it, I didn't know anybody. And now I'm meeting more people that are like, you know, have gone through it. So I think it is like we're moving away from just straight substance abuse and addiction fields and moving into like nursing and other careers and realizing like we can expand our potential as people in recovery, you know. Do you ever look back and like get sad sometimes looking at like memories from the childhood? I didn't be like, wow, I was just like this sweet, innocent person before this all went bad. Because I do that with my situation.

I look at old pictures. I'm like, wow. Like it went all so wrong than what it was supposed to go. But it was still a blessing nonetheless. But do you look at that as your childhood? I feel like my childhood was a mix of good and bad. I wouldn't relive it. No.

So I have a mixed view on that one. I feel like I just look at the child I was and could have seen where I feel like at the age of 28, like I haven't done enough. And I know that's not true. Okay. I know that's not true, but I don't. There's a part of me that wants to just go back and kind of like stop, you know, where I got addicted to substances involved with their own people and, like, kind of keep that naivety a little longer and, like, go through. but I kind of feel like I would have been a different person in a bad way. And I don't want to promise that because I don't know.

But I feel like when I go through everything I went through, I do believe on like a soul level it was meant for me. And I am very concrete in that this was my path to go. And I haven't strayed too far from that thought. Because I really did want to be an adult when I was young. And I remember constantly wanting to grow up. And then it's like I jumped and grew up way too fast because I forced myself to, you know, and then jumped in the wrong areas and then had to grow up completely. And I have a daughter that I had at 18 years old, you know, so she kind of propelled me into growing up as well, you know, so I'm sorry you feel that way, though.

I mean, I know, it's normal. It is normal. You all, because you think about sometimes the what ifs, like, you know, my friends all went off to college and did certain things and I was in prison. Yeah. So it's hard not to think about. the what-ifs and you think about relationships that got away, friendships, jobs, careers. Like, I'm just a natural thinker. I'm always thinking about everything.

And I think about the bigger picture and I think about the past, not because, like, I miss it or regret it. It's just... You're analyzing it. Yeah, I like to analyze. I like to think. I analyze everything. You're analyzing me right now. I am.

I'm just, I don't know, I've always been like one of those quotesy thought-provoking type people. So it's interesting. So you got into heroin at... 18, you'd say? Yeah, it was after I had my daughter actually. You had a daughter, wow. Yeah, I had her at 18. So I had gotten into pills, got clean when I got pregnant with her, I didn't take anything, had my daughter, and then got back into partying after.

And my mom ended up, she didn't take her from me, but she took care of her. And me and my partner at the time, it's the same one I'd been for years. He and I kind of switched over to heroin once the pills, because I got back into them. And the drought came on, you know, when the prescribers could no longer just hand out scripts. And we're like, hey, you know, what do we do now? And I remember he had gotten into heroin and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to flip because I was that girl who was like, I'm not a junkie if I don't do, you know, heroin. And that's not true. But in my mind, it was a justification.

So I did end up trying it. And I remember I was like, well, if you love me, you'll either, you know, help me do it. or you'll quit. That was kind of like the ultimatum. It was my subconscious telling me I wanted to do it, you know, we'll try not to look bad. And he's like, all right. I remember I was like, what? What do you mean? All right? Like, I was a little put off, you know, but he knew there was no other, we weren't going to, we had to get clean or either just keep going down that path because there was no pills anymore. It wasn't, you know, really accessible to us. And then I quit again for a month because I was so worried about dying or overdosing. Then got back into it again, thought I could, you know, do it the right way, per se. And, yeah, I mean, I just kind of progressed from there over the next two years, maybe three. Now that you're sober and looking back on it, how do you feel you were? How many discounts does USAA auto insurance offer? Too many to say here.

Multi-vehicle discount. Safe driver discount? New vehicle discount. Storage discount. How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit USAA.com slash auto discounts. Restrictions apply. It's a parent at that age, at 18.

Oh, God, awful. I don't want to say awful. How does it make you feel? I do harbor some guilt for it, but I came into recovery when she was two. So generally, I think I pulled myself up fast enough. I do believe that. I do think there's aspects that I still carry now with her where in my personality in the way I parent, she probably, like, you know, feels like I'm not loving enough or I'm not, you know, there is a hard side to me that can be like probably a little off putting to my, you know, almost 10 year old.

But she went through so much with me, me being 18 either way, I know I probably wouldn't have done fantastic. You know, it's a first time, when you first do it, you're learning everything. My mom kind of took over knowing I was using and thank God she did because she probably saved me from not being able to parent my child down the road. But looking back at all of it, the fact that I already had a child made it easier for me to stay in recovery because I knew that I still had a little kid back at home that wanted her mom. And it was sad that I was stuck in Florida for six months, you know, and not coming home. And she was traumatized by that for years. I remember her late, every time I would walk out the door for work because I went from a nursing assistant to an LPN. And as she watched me go through rehab and drug court and everything else, I couldn't be home a lot.

And I was taking on a lot of responsibilities, and I could see the fear in her eyes every time I would walk out the door. And I have a two-year-old now. He's almost too. He's not too yet. But he's just the sweetest little boy. And, you know, she was raised with me. And I get to raise him. And she taught me all those things that we now both kind of put into her little brother and my son, as odd as that sounds. So it's a collaborative effect. And it's beautiful. So, you know, I got the best I can. get out of it, I believe. That's awesome. Very wholesome. Good. And you know what they say, that children teach the parent. I've been seeing that a lot, a reoccurring thing, that children have the ability to teach their parents things that the parents never knew could have ever been taught to them, but you only get that lesson through having a child and finding that love for a child. Yeah, I absolutely agree. She's taught me all sorts of things about myself. Don't worry, But, you know.

How do you feel that one day she's going to, both children are going to come to understand who their mother was in her younger years by watching things like this, by seeing the content you create and seeing those vulnerable moments that really no normal family gets to see about their kids because it's an entirely different world. Like when I have kids one day, they're going to see all these interviews. their grandkids like it exists forever it doesn't go away but it's just like it's so interesting to think about because there was always this stigma where like okay people don't want to talk about prison because they don't want their family members to find out or this and that and now there's these whole things where people are talking and they're open and who gives a fuck what anyone thinks about them but their kids are someone that's important and they're going to form an opinion about who their parent was so what does that mean to you

I mean, so she already sees my content. She's 10. She has a phone. You know, in the beginning, it was a lot of explaining in child terms, and that wasn't quite easy. And not, she's very ahead of the curve intellectually. She's very philosophical. You know, what is life? What is death?

You know, my sister passed away over. So she went through that a couple years ago. And that was like kind of this mind-vending experience for her. So when she watches this stuff, at one point I was like, what does she think about this when someone's talking to her about it? Or, you know, her dad's family saying something about it. I'm on another trip. I think she thought it was just me going on these vacations. And I went through a gap where when I had my son, I didn't really go anywhere.

And I brought her to like a protest in Washington. And it was honoring people who have passed away from fentanyl. and watching this like ambition spark in her she was like one of the few nine-year-olds that had ever been to a Washington D.C. walk and she had to make it there like she's like no I'm here for this like I'm here for this walk we're going I don't care how cold it is and you know it's like me and my friend and her son and we're all just sitting there like okay Lily I guess we're gonna you know go in the cyclone it was freezing and just watching her see like what this is and it's That's just a small piece, but it's not, mom's not just out, you know, every three months dipping out for three days to go, you know, hang out in a hotel.

There is some aspect to this. And she is now proud of me in that aspect. Whereas before she didn't understand, she didn't get it, she still doesn't really get it. But I hope that when she hits that age where she's like 18, she can be like, yeah, you know, my mom was a heroin addict. She did go to jail. She did steal, you know, 50 grand. Whatever you want to talk about, it doesn't matter because she's a good mom and she's there. And she's the reason why I'm not going to mess up.

And if I do, I'll know exactly where to go when I need help. So you stole 50 grand? I did. Could I have my cut? It's gone now. And Victoria's Secret Pan's been long gone too with it, you know. So this $50,000 robbery or whatever it is that you did, was this before or after you had your child? After.

After. So you got clean two years after having your child. Yes. So those two years have to be the craziest two years of your life. They were. They were. Because, you know, I see some of that. I was looking at some of like the articles and like what you've posted and whatnot. And that's the need of it. Wow, two years. That's crazy. So you get out of high school. You don't go to college? I did go to college when I When I got out of high school I went because my family pressured me into it They were like, well you skipped I thought this was, you know, why you left school Which it wasn't but

So I did go to college for about three or four months As a communication major to be a public speaker And then I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter I dropped out immediately Worked at a little deli Had my daughter And then when I got back into that scene,

and I realized I was getting bad that first year, and I started to think about recovery already. I was like, I can't live like this. Like, I knew in my gut the entire time. I always felt like I had a purpose and then it was gone. Like, that was the first time I lost myself, at least a little bit. And I was like, oh, girl, we ain't playing this game. Like, we got to get back on board here.

So I'm an all or nothing person. You know, I can be the good kid or the bad kid. And as we got worse into substance abuse and, you know, got really addicted to heroin, I started looking into treatment centers and recovery situations. And I called a hotline and I ended up in Florida. So this is probably around year one, the one year mark maybe to somewhere in this time period. So I go to Florida. I was about 20. And I ended up being cycled through, which is like the human trafficking in re-in-franchis.

rehabs, which if you don't know about that, it's kind of where they, you know, you call a hotline for Buffalo. You end up, this guy's like, hey, I'm going to send you to Florida. You know, it's like a vacation. Best time getting clean in your life. And we'll make sure your home's safe and everything's great. And this is for people who have private insurance, not, you know, Medicaid or Fidelis. So you go and you go to this rehab and it might look beautiful.

And then suddenly you're being told that like, hey, do you want to come to this facility or this facility? You know, like all these people were like, I was like, wow, I feel popular. Like, you know, I'm the CNA in Florida. And they're like, oh, you want to, you know, you're so cool. You want to come to my place? And I didn't understand. I didn't know what was going on.

I was like 20 years old. I had no clue what these people meant by your insurance going to run out at 26. You want to come to my halfway. You know, I'll give you a cut of the money. All you got to do is like go use a couple of substances and then come in and I'll give you, you know, $1,000 for 21 days. And this is a whole thing that I didn't even know what goes on. So me and him end up getting involved with.

like a lot of like scamming type situations. We were involved with a friend who was really heavy into like robberies and robbing Walmarts and things of that sort. But it was to a higher extent. He had already been to prison quite a few times. And he ended up robbing a federal gun reserve and things of that sort. And he's not alive now. Rest in peace.

He was one of my favorite people on this earth. And I do believe he had a wonderful soul. I do. it's addiction. So, you know, me and my partner end up kind of like getting scared. We're like, oh my God, we're going to go to jail. Like, you know, it's going to be bad. And I had written a couple checks out of my grandma's bank account. And it was like it equal to about like 10,000 at this point. And that was quite a lot. And I tried paying it back. Like I was going through the drive-thru, it to bank and depositing my paychecks, trying to like put the money back in that I kept taking out for

fronts for heroin and I was also middlemaning it so I was like in this give and take cycle of like you know hit my licks and do this and like put the money back in and make sure my my friends are my drug dealers so like they'd be like yeah but you can't keep giving us grandma's checks you know and it was just this like this cycle I couldn't handle so we go to Florida together the second time and I had already relapsed after I got home and we ended up we're like why not make money down there and like they can pay us. And at first, the idea was to get clean because I didn't really have the full intention of knowing what was going on.

After we went down there, I'm like, oh, I heard about this. Like, I remember them telling me about this last time I was out here. It's happening yet. And so we end up going to this one nice place. And he ends up leaving with like 15 people. And I'm mad because I wanted to get clean. And I was doing really well. So this turns into like 20 more facilities.

and I ended up leaving that one. I ended up being drugged. I was sexually assaulted, left in a motel. I saw someone get shot. It was awful. Like the worst six months of my life, don't regret it. But you'll find out more about that down the road. But, you know, it was just, it was really bad.

And I come from, you know, if you're from New York, you know, at least maybe people out here, they're really nice. Like, people have good manners and they're going to help you. you're stuck on the side of the road and then you go to Florida and people just don't give a fuck at all you know they're nuts so I was not prepared for that and then at the end of all of it I finally get home and I fly all the way back to New York and um that's because somebody found my ID at a Western Union actually and we get there and I'm like okay well you know I survived this so I'm just going to go all out again and I end up writing like 50 grand and bad checks again. So I wrote like 91 checks in two months and got caught for about

20,000 of them, knew I was going to have a million felonies, knew my life was going to be over. I was like, fuck it. You know what? If I can't stop on my own, I'm going to stop myself. That was my logic. And my sister and my partner are both letting me spend this money on them too. Like he's probably got like 20 grand out of it. My sister got 10 and she's two years younger than me. she's now using too. So they're like, Bree, you know,

we need money. And I thought I could monitor my sister's drug addiction this way. Like, I was like, all right, I'll give her $20 worth

of, you know, she was doing heroin as well. So I'm like, I'll give her $20 worth tell her it's 100 and she and died. Like that was my logic. And then they're both using me, bugging me,

screaming at me, telling me to go make them money. And I was doing it. And then they're like, oh, if you go down, we'll go down with you. Nope. Who are you writing bad checks to,

drug dealers? No, no, all over the place. I would go to like Walmart and buy a bunch of stuff with a bad check or and they were, these were my grandma's like old HSBC account. And this is also a different time period where like now if you go in to pay with a check, most places don't accept checks, but if they do, they are able to instantly tell if there's money in your bank account or not. Well, they could.

Some of these places, like you have credit at that time. If you had like a good credit with Walmart, they could tell if you, ever wrote bad checks in the past. So like my dad was actually like famous for like bouncing checks, which is funny because I didn't even think about that until after this all happened. But, um, so I would go to Walmart and like her credit was good for them, like for checks. And they would all go through for a little bit. And it takes like six to seven days for the check to clear if it's an outside institution, which I knew all the ins and outs of this, each bank, how long it took. So I would go to, you know, like PA or New York and write the check to someone

else tell them I had no ID and they would do it for me they would go cash the check for me I'd give them 150 bucks they knew what game I was playing and a lot of these were like older guys and I had this you know

like revenge thing against men at that time because I it's not an excuse but I'd gone through a lot in Florida and felt like this kind of like push to be kind of a jerk so I was like ah yeah this this guy I was just trying to screw me anyways.

Like, he's got money. Like, who cares if it comes out of his account? The bank will pay him anyways. And the bank did. The bank paid all these people back. The only people who didn't get paid back were the people that didn't charge me. So the nice human beings who didn't want to see me rot in a jail cell essentially didn't get their money back. But I did pay them all back later, actually, quite a few of them.

I was on a payment plan with, like, one of them for three years. Do you feel like you got away with more bad checks because you were a young, woman. Yep, absolutely. So how would that work? Like, they would just take you at your word because you were a female that, you know, maybe look good to them and they're, they're just taking it? I looked like shit. Like, I looked so bad. If you couldn't tell that I was a drug addict, then then you were just trying to get some because these guys would be like, oh, I'm sure I did look cute. Like, I don't think I was like super unattractive. But, you know, you meet this guy and you're like, oh, you're going to come hang out after I cash this truck. And I'm like, oh,

sure I go cash it give them the money and they're like are you coming back to my house oh I can't tonight my my daughter has this going on I have to go right now like there was always an excuse and a lot of guys wanted to kill me over that like I remember one guy went to his house and had my friend come in and pretend to be like my brother and he as soon as I walked in to hang out with this guy like He comes in and he's like, Bree, we got to go. It's an emergency. And I'm like, oh, no, my stomach. Like this, you know, and the guy's like, I just gave you $500 to borrow.

I was like, can I just have it? Like, I'll come back tomorrow. And he's like, okay, you know, and like that type of thing, like using people. And I would just, and they're like, Bree, you're pretty. Just like keep letting us do this like my ex and my friend. And they were like, oh, we'll just keep you safe. We'll follow you on these dates. We'll make this your gig.

know, and then I started to feel kind of bad because some of these people were nice people. You were just robbing them pretty good. I'm just robbing them blind. Like, I mean, I'm like, well, if they're that dumb, then, you know, but that's not fair. I mean, I wasn't a prostitute. So I'm like, well, I'm not trading myself out for sex. And in my head it was a justification for like, okay, well, I'm not sleeping with these people. And if they're willing to, then they're probably weird anyways.

This was how I thought. So I'm like, okay, this kept me out of that type of work. And I, because I felt like that was a line. I didn't want to cross in my addiction. So they would pay you and then you guys would run off? Uh-huh. Did you ever get in any, like, dangerous altercations from that? Mm-hmm. One guy, I think he called the police.

He tried following me. He tried finding where I lived. Yeah, I did. After he just tried to pay you for sex? Mm-hmm. Does he not realize that's illegal? No, he didn't care. He called it because we would never say it was for sex.

Okay. There was never like this absolute, this is for sex. It's just like a tip, like a gift. Yes. Like, oh, if you come hang out with me. Because, like, I didn't want to give them that full insinuation if I wasn't going to do it. Because at the end of the day, I knew I wasn't. You know?

And my partner at the time wasn't going to let me anyway. So even if there was a part of me that would have, it wasn't going to happen. I would have got, you know, nailed for that. So I wasn't stupid, you know. I knew that I, yeah, I don't know. It's a mix. And then my friends, too. I mean, not my close friends.

I never, like Ariel. actually. I did try to get her to cash a $100 check out of a bank account she rarely used. There was like nothing on it. And her, she was dating a guy while she was married to him, I think. And he's like, no. And he gets in my face, right? He's like, no, no, you're not doing that. And I'm like, coming from you? And he's like, no, Bree. And he literally told her. And she goes, I don't care. She must need it really bad. She has to need it really bad if she's willing to do that to me. So I don't. care, just let her do it. And I'm like, that's funny.

Yeah, I know, I mean, it's sad. But, you know, so I created a lot of wreckage in that time period. You know, I got caught with suboxins in the car and pulled over. I know license. I got a charge for driving without a license going over like 60 or 70, which it was like 30. And then I got a paraphernalia charge. I got a charge for a stolen lawnmower. Why do you have a stolen lawnmower?

Oh, I love this story. So, this is funny. It's not funny. So the guy I'd been with at the time had stole lawnmower from someone in the area. And he brought it to my house so proud that, like, we had a way to get drugs. And I'm like, okay, well, where did you get this? And he's like, don't worry about it. Like, we're going to sell it.

It's pretty nice, you know? So we're, like, riding around. I put, like, I was sitting with my daughter on it, actually, like, riding around my mom's house. house outside and he's like he didn't want me to go use without him so essentially he needed to bring something to the table at this point and um you know I hadn't seen my daughter I think in a couple days because I stayed away a lot of the time I would I thought I was like doing something cool by letting her like seeing her for a few minutes letting her ride around on the salon more with me like same with him and the cops pull up and they're like hey that's stolen and they knew right away I think

he had wrote it to my house. It's so funny. He wrote it to my house. In the middle of the night, scared I would go get drugs without him. So he wrote it, like, all the way, like, probably 12 miles to my mom's, knowing I was going to show up there the next day. And he, you know, the cops come and they're like, we saw him on it. Last night, like, I passed him and saw him on the lawnmower and didn't stop.

So, like, we know he stole it. I'm saying it's me that stole it. I'm blaming myself. I'm like, no, it was me. Wow. And they're like, no, it's not you. We know where it came from. Guess who lives by there, you know?

So it was just this consistent, like, you know, thing where, and I had sold it. Like, I had put it online, and I think I had already sold it by the top. Maybe the cops came after it. I think it was after I sold it. The cops came. So it was like in that three-day time period. So the cops came. They were like, oh, we saw an ad for it.

I think I'd just gotten rid of it at that point because I don't think they pulled up when I was on it. I just remember I have a core memory being on it. And yeah, they're like, well, we know the person who you sold it to and they want to press charges. So I did get a grand larceny for that, even though they pushed and pushed for me to, like, you know, admit that I didn't steal it and just take the blame for selling it. But no, there was that. And then I get off topic. Then there was, I had a spox in charge because I didn't have. have a script and I had a whole bunch in the car after we went to the Blue Heron Festival and that's

like a big you know festival so you're all you're all out of your mind and then there was heroin in the car and the cops let my partner take the charge for that and they let me take the charge for the medication so there was like a divvy up between the two um so and I wasn't taking the Suboxin like I should have been but I wasn't I had them to basically as a backup plan and then ended up selling them So I got lucky quite a few times. Like I remember we got pulled over with heroin right in the backseat. And the cop knew what it was and he just let us go. You guys just had a casually on the backseat?

Yeah, because it fell like out of my purse or something. We never really got pulled over. I mean, I thought I was like invincible at one point. Like I remember thinking I was never going in trouble. Like it's almost like I was going so hard to just like force myself to stop. And at the end of all this, the only reason I laid in bed and I prayed, it was like, three days before I got arrested exactly. And I'm laying on my bed and I'm like, all right, God, whatever you are, you know, this is a foxhole prayer.

I'm going to start that there. But I need to get better and I can't, I don't know how. And the cops had already been to my house saying I need to pay people back for those checks because they, they warn me. They're like, you're going to go to jail. You have a couple of days to figure this out. Like, no, because they knew us. They knew our family. So I'm like, all right, well, you know, I just, what do I do?

Like, you know, and I remember praying, like, I need you to intervene. I need the university to intervene. I need God to intervene. I just need an intervention. And I don't need it to be me. It needs to just happen so I have no way out. I need out of this relationship. I need out of this situation, this environment.

I just need to be able to be a mom, go back to school into my life. Literally, like three days later, I remember I'm driving on the through way, going to the jail to pick up my partner who's in jail. and I get pulled over and that's when I got that slew of charges. My sister was in the car with paraphernalia. They let her go. They let her take the car. She was high as a kite.

I didn't have a license anymore and they took me to jail. And I remember my partner at the time just like going, she's kidding. At Hyundai of Glendale, Lisa New, 2026 Hyundai Tucson SC Frontwheel Drive for 269 a month plus tax for 36 months with owner's assurance in America's best warranty. 10 year, 100,000 miles. Stop by Hyundai of Glendale today or Hyundai of Glendale.

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She's getting me out. And they're like, no, buddy, she's being booked. And we're just like, oh, my God. And all the money I had for him, I had given to my sister, which she then went in blue, so neither of us were getting out on bail. And she ended up being arrested, too. What a mess. So you guys are all sitting in that jail together? All of us together. Me and my sister, like, we were next to each other in jail.

We had our own little, they moved her up to my floor and we, you know, just hung out every day. Were you guys in like jumpsuits together? Uh-huh. What color was the jumpsuit for that town? They were so ugly. They were gray and white, like a black and a gray colory. So it was like a whitish gray. And they were striped and they were so big and they were so gross.

And like, I remember I was skinny when I came in. I was like 96 pounds. and I walked out like 150. So like I walked out of jail one. How long are you in the jail for? Like four months. Oh, you stood in the jail for four months. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. What was that experience? Like it was not. It was okay. So like I wouldn't want to go back now. Like no way. But it was a very humbling experience. Like the first thing I said, this is messed up.

So I go in and on the way and down, I'm like, I always want to experience jail. I did. Every girl in America. Yeah. Like I did. And then I remember. getting down there and I'm like, all right, I'm good. This has been enough.

I knew I was going to withdraw and I knew it was going to be bad. But I was so thankful that it was over. Like, I was just like, all right, God, you got me. You got me. Thank you. So you withdrew in prison. Yeah, I did. And got clean in prison.

Yes, I did. It was about five days and it was awful. And that's all it took you to, wow. And I had a three gram a day habit. Wow. What were some of the after effects for you of that withdrawal? So, like, I had track marks all up my arms. I remember those were, like, itchy and probably infected.

I remember looking at that every day. And the first couple days, like, I just, I looked awful, for one. I was dehydrated. My legs, I don't know if you've ever gone through, like, an opiate withdrawal, but your legs and your bones spasm. It's like your legs first. Then it's like your bones feel like there's spiders crawling out of them. And if you're an anxious person,

I've met people that can sleep. That was not me at all. So I didn't sleep for like four days and I love my sleep. So it's a problem. Like you have twitching, you have pain. You're like feeling like you're pissing yourself constantly even though you're not. Like it feels like that. You know, you're if you, I don't have like normal bowel movements.

But like if I did, I would have probably shit myself. Like your stomach hurt. You just, you're laying on the ground hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold. So it was bad. Like, you know you're not going to die, but you don't know that. You're like, I might die. Like, I don't believe that when they say I won't die. Like, you don't because it feels so awful.

So, yeah, it was not very long, but. Me every time I have a stomach egg. Yes, right? Me too. I'm like, is it cancer? I do. I ask myself that a lot. So did you have a cellmate when you were going through with that withdrawal?

No, we were by yourself. We have our own cells on the TV. Oh, that sucks. That's probably the worst. No, I thought it was great. Oh, okay. Well, I guess when I got booked into jail or the county jail, the holding center, I had a cellmate that was detoxing and that was miserable being next to him because he was like jumping

all around. He was like, I gave him all my food because I wasn't hungry because I was shell shocked. I had just got booked. And then it was just, it was not a fun experience for someone that was sober and had never been addicted to drugs to be with someone like that. Somebody addicted to drugs. For like 48 hours just watching him go through that. It was pretty bad.

Did you, like, feel like, did you put yourself on a different position to him, watching him go through that? Or you like, oh, thank God I'm not a... I was too stuck in my own mind because I was, like, sick from, you know, I was 21 booked into prison with not sentenced yet, so you don't know an outdate. That's the scariest time when you're in limbo. Yeah, I went through that the whole time. Yeah, being in limbo with no, like...

Like when am I getting out of here? That's the worst. The not knowing aspect of it. Yeah. Because once you have a date. Yeah. Then you're like, I can chill.

Did any woman give you a hard time in there? Because you were like on the younger side? No, I had so many charges racked up that. It looked at you as a badass. Yes. And it was so funny because I'm not. And I went to court every day,

literally. And I remember like when I got into General Pop, I made friends with like everyone. Like it was like high school What was your first experience in general pop? Like I feel like everyone always has a story of their first time. Okay. So I met a woman named Christy.

She's not here anymore. She was older in her 40s. We had been booked together. She looked awful. She looked awful. And I'm saying this because she was using. And it made her look like she was out of her mind at that point in time. And I felt like she, you know, I could still talk and function normally and she couldn't.

So they paid me. me one cappuccino a day to take care of her because they knew I was a CNA. So one of the COs was like, hey, I know you like people. I know you take care of them. Please do me a salad. I'll give you a little cap of cappuccino, but this big, yay high. And take care of this woman for me. And if she gets too rough, let me know.

So me and my cousin were also in there as well. So my other cousin was in there too, two of them actually. And I'm down there on the floor and I'm in the shower with her. And I'm handing her like cloth after cloth. And I'm like, oh my God, this is awful. And she's like, little girl, get out of my fucking face. And she's just like yelling at me. And she's like, if you look at me naked one more time, I'm sending you to jail, you little bitch.

I'm like, we are in jail, Christy. We are. So try again. Can we get this over with? Thank you. I've seen a million naked people. Can we keep it going? And she's fighting with me in a shower like once.

kill me and I'm like all right fuck this shit it's not worth the cappuccino so I throw the fucking right her and I'm like all right you need to just go go do your thing she slips and I remember they're like brie christie's slipping you're supposed to be watching her I'm like she's 46 years old maybe she shouldn't do so many benzos like I'm mad you know so I go back and I go try to help her up and I feel bad I'm like okay all right and I'm not the right frame of mine myself I'm still withdrawing you know so I pull her out and I'm like I'm sorry let's get you up to room, you know, come on, Granny, let's go. And I'm like trying to help her because I'm so young in comparison to her.

Two days later, she comes out. She looks like she lost 20 years on her life. Like she looks about 35. She's, and I'm saying when I reference age, which it might not sound fun, it's not really funny because she looked like she'd aged so much from using. Her hair was pretty like she looked good. She looked healthier. She was just able to talk.

function and we became best friends literally best friends we sat next to each other every day and she took care of my sister and me she had a sibling that was in prison she had a six year old and her sibling had gone through um getting well and like gone through recovery and she was the one that kept using and her story marked to a tea the story of me and my sibling and we went she took care both of us she kept saying how she saw me in her and how she wanted to make sure we were safe so we never had to come back here and uh she ended up passing away and so did my sister and it basically resembled just a younger form of the same path if that makes sense but yeah do you feel like you have survivors guilt in away from your your sister because you endured that addiction with her the same type of addiction do you ever wonder like why not you yes um i don't carry a ton of guilt as a human being but when I do it is related to that you know for a while I actually had I didn't think of it that way for a while because I thought okay well she got into using herself but also I was using too and she watched me do it why do you think at the age of 16 or she was like 14 or 13 I think

when she started she did everything I did and she looked up to me and um I wasn't there to watch it like I was just living my life and she was watching me live my life and she was watching me live my and living in this like understep, you know, and after I started dating, she got really jealous and upset that she felt like she had lost me. So it was like after that, it was like she just started doing everything I was doing. And she thought like, okay, well, Bree's doing it. So it's safe. I mothered her in this one sense, but I never listened to her and didn't help her in another.

So it was like she felt disregarded. And she continued to kind of go down that path. So when we both ended up in jail together, I remember thinking, like, I brought you here. Like, holy shit. And I was like, okay, look, we're going to get clean. Like, I sat her down. I was like, I don't want to do it either, but we got to do it. And I tried to get her to sneak in Suboxone at one point.

Before she had come in, I knew she had a warrant. I called her to be the first to tell her she had a warrant. And I was like, hey, you got a warrant. You know, I'm like, do you want to try to get some Suboxin in here because I'm sick? And she's like, no. You know, she's like, if I do, I'm do it for me, not you. Like, you know, but. So why do you think you were able to get clean during those months and she wasn't?

She did. But she relapsed again? Yes. We both did. So originally we like had that conversation. And at first we were like, you know, scheming, like how are we going to keep using? And then it turned into, okay, we need to just do this, right? Like we need a plan.

And she was 18. So they sent her to kids escaping drugs, which is a really great program. for people that are under the age of like 24, I believe. She goes there, spends like six months to a year there. I went to a short-term rehab four months into being in jail after going through having, you know, 32 charges over my head, all the felonies, everything. Everything got put down to like two charges and I was put under our court. So she had the same charge as me, what she thought was bullshit and I agree.

So we're both like in rehab and back to your question. whatever makes me different from her we were different like as people um you know she was a follower and i really wasn't most of my life there's parts where i was and i'm not going to pretend those parts don't exist but i truly knew it wasn't meant for me i knew like i had my badass time in my head and i did commit these crimes i knew i had to pay for them and i wasn't upset about that i mean i was but I wasn't if that makes sense. Like I knew I deserved it and I knew if I just stayed doing the right thing after, I'd be okay. My sister had been sheltered.

She didn't go to Florida. She didn't get stuck in these situations. She stayed around my mom. She was very like didn't know her place in the world sometimes. And she always thought she was going to die young. She had a lot of these manifestations that she kind of, you know, felt inside her. And she didn't feel hurt. It was like she was always walking.

behind me or trying to get something done on her own and feeling like nobody really cared. And she told me that, you know, she had a lot of anger. I don't carry a ton of anger. Like, it'll come out sometimes. Like, I blow up probably every six months. But like once every six months I get real mad for about 10 minutes and so over, you know. But she carried a lot of this, like, pain that could have came from, like, you know, how our parents could have been when they fought or I don't know.

You know, and I really don't even know what happened to her sometimes. I think there's things that could have happened that I don't even know about. So I just believe that I was naturally different in that one way, yeah. Where were your parents while you guys were in jail? And pretty much at your rock bottom, were they supportive? Or did they not really know what to do and how to handle it? My dad was not support. Well, okay.

My dad tried to be. So, like, he would give us money and he knew eventually we were using it for drugs. So, like, I remember he would, like, not want to give us money. You know, he already wasn't really supportive anyways in other aspects. So, like, this was kind of easy for him to be like, no, you know, screw, you're not taking my money to go buy drugs. Like, he was right in that fashion. My mom was, like, through and through, just, like, you know, you could lie to her and she'd believe it because she had no clue about it. because she had no clue about drugs.

So it was like hard to watch her go through it. Like she was just one day she was happy because she thought we were doing better. And then one day she was sad. And like it was just a roller coaster of emotions for her to watch our kids who like, you know, she threw her whole life away to be a stay-at-home mom. She's super intelligent. It has, you know, a lot of degrees, came from a nice home. Like to what?

Have both her kids end up addicted to IV? being heroin. Like it felt like a low blow to her. She never looked at us that way, though. That's the one thing that I could say carried with me is she never looked at me like I wasn't going to make it, if that makes sense. Like she never looked at me like I was morally wrong. And even though that's not a good thing in one aspect, and the other one, it did kind of give me enough self-satisfaction to know I'd be okay and Whitney should have as well, you know? So, Yeah. When you got out of the rehab, so you went to jail, then you went to the rehab, you were completely clean through that whole period of time.

Yes, I was, but not on purpose. So when I was in jail, somebody did offer me a Suboxone, and I wanted it. Like, I wanted it. I tried to get it. I remember, I was like, I'll give you $40 worth of phone time for the Suboxone, right? And they rent me off. Like, Christy comes down that girl. I'm telling you about.

that sub you're not taking it and I'm like why it's a sub like I'm withdrawing she's like you're not fucking withdrawing you know you're on you're on day like 15 like you're okay like you don't need it like you're taking it because you want to get high that's why I'm not a doctor you know our friend here that's giving it to you is not a doctor so you don't need it she's like I'm just going to save you the problems for now you know if you want to do that you go home and get on a program but not here and I remember I was like I was so angry. Like, I was mad.

I was on fire. Like, I was hot, you know. And I was like, why would she cockblock me from, you know, being able to take something that's not even heroin? You know, so, no, I was clean that entire time. And I went to a short-term program after that and then was sent to a two-month program after that. And then a girl's halfway house after that. And then they were going to put me in sober living. But I got into the LPN program, so they sent me home.

What's the LPN program? The nursing program. Oh, the nursing program. What was it about nursing for you that you enjoyed? I was already a CNA. So when you're an A and you're like very up close to personal. You know, you're wiping people in all sides of their body. You're washing them.

You're getting this kind of like look at the person as a human being and not as like what they look like if that makes sense. And when I first went into it, I thought it was awful, like the first week. and I fell in love with this job. And at the end of my using, I kept my job for quite some time because it was all I had left. Like those elderly people in that nursing home gave me a reason to live when there wasn't one.

And I gave that back. Like I felt like, okay, I know how I feel when these people remind me that I'm actually doing something right. And even if it's just the little lady, you know, out to remind me that like I'm the only one she feels like loves her. It's that type of feeling that you don't always get anywhere else. And I needed that so much to fulfill my own self love. So at one point,

I think now I'm in it for different reasons and I still love them and care about them. But I've had a point to where like I'm now expanding to where I might want to go into like a field that I actually work in. You know, like in something to do with like recovery. I don't really trust rehab. So that's a hard one. but or aesthetics or something like that but these people need us and it just gave me a purpose with them that I didn't have so I went into nursing and I'd always wanted to be a nurse when I was in Florida being traffic throughout all those rehabs I would sit there and study all like the prefixes for nursing because I was so sure I was going to add up a nurse like I was like oh I will like you'll see it's cool like and I would just do that instead of working on my recovery so like I did know a lot

that I'd already kind of like got myself into. And when I lost my CNA license because I was in jail, I was very angry. I felt like I really lost something. That was the first thing. Oh, they got a revoked. Yeah, right? Uh-huh.

Wow. Was it hard to get back or you just had to have the charges dropped? The CNA, no, no, that one wasn't hard to get back. It was the LPN license. That was hard. I had to prove that those 32 charges were combined. I had to prove, because it's all on your record for like a year. And I had to withhold justification.

So my cap was like two to five or something like that. And when I graduated drug court, it doesn't immediately update. So I had to wait and take my boards and then go through this whole panel system where you're kind of filtered through the educational or the nursing board programs. Like these people basically look over your application, you know, what your type of charge was. The thing going for me is that I had gotten into recovery before becoming a nurse, whereas 80% of nurses are substance abusers. So this is like not the following effect.

So they knew that I was kind of already in a point of being monitored. I was in an outpatient program. I already could prove that like I never stole from a patient while using it all. And I managed to keep a job while on heroin for a year and still be, you know, denoted as somebody who they thought characteristically was supposed to be there. So I had that whole place that I work for basically writing letters to the board to get them to accept me. And they were very sweet letters and they thought I deserved it. And I'm sure I've lost my place in that now coming this far out.

Like, you know, I'm a day's where I'm lazy and I don't want to be at work. But, you know, these people really believed in me. And, you know, I didn't really think people thought well of me. And then when I have all these people like rooting for me to like get one step ahead, you know, farther out, it was just important. Yeah, having a support system is extremely important and everything. and any all of life's challenges, addiction, loss of a family member, failures, you know, just having that support system's big. Yeah, I absolutely agree with you. Well, one thing I just wanted to put out here before we keep going.

So when I was in jail, I did do a study. What do you mean a study? A study on everyone in the jail. Okay. So I sat them down one by one and didn't interview with everyone. And I asked them, like, what was your home life like? did you use substances? How old were you when you started? Like a lot of these questions. And I took statistics on these people in the jail and what brought them to jail because I really wanted to know.

When you go to jail, you might have that stereotype of like these people are bad people or they're dangerous or a lot of these people were wonderful people that I still know to this day. And most of them are done that I was in there with. I'd say one or two are still alive that I was close with. and that's out of like 10. But I really wanted to know the backstories on how somebody so sweet, sober here, you know, could be out there doing that. So the statistics were just, it's like 90% of these people were using substances. It was like 87, something like that.

And I had all these people's stories. I had a stack of paper, like a big box like this big. And I brought it to rehab with me. And then I lost it. Like they put it in my belongings. And I was going to publish this. It's like some crappy, you know, research project I did in jail. And they gave me permission.

Like, every person was on board with it. And then I started writing the guys and the guy's side. So they could then write me and give me their answers as well. It was interesting. This is incredible. I've never heard of what you would do with that before. It was cool. How would you get the letters to the guy said?

Oh, so like the CEO is like, we'll let you look at a person's picture. So you would just basically be like, hey, what guys are over there right now? and you'd find their name and just write a letter to their name. That's a fun way for them to probably pass a time along with the women too. I remember in the detention center, if you were on a certain floor in New York, the women were like below it or above it or something and you could talk through the toilet. Through the toilet? Yeah, you would talk through the toilet to them and communicate and they were having like phone sex but over the toilet.

But over the toilet. Can you imagine? Did they ever like look your picture up and be like, oh, he's cute? Like did you ever have? They had that because there was two entirely different floors with the guards and whatnot. I don't think that you would have to bring the book down, go to a different unit. The guards couldn't leave the unit either. Oh.

They would be locked in the unit until the next shift came. Right. Yeah. Well, they didn't have a computer for you to, like, go on? Not for us. Or did they not let you use it? We couldn't go on the computer now. I mean, we weren't supposed to either.

But, you know, yeah. Okay. Well, because people look up your photo. Like, there, it's so small that, like, if you walk in, one guy would get a hold of what you looked like and the whole like jail would be writing you it was awful it was actually really weird you know and then you go up like we had to walk through the guy side of the jail when you go to meet for like drug court and things like that and then you'd end up with like 10 letters just walk because you walked through that area you know so I mean we did some weird stuff you know it was interesting

yeah it's always fun you know like recalling and recollecting about the the fun little things we've done yeah I mean do you feel like you your experience was like, does it feel like a blur now? I think you need your own podcast. I'm making a new one. I did have one. So what was the question? I just felt lazy.

A blur. Was it a blur? When you were in jail or prison, did you feel like it was a blur of that time period? Like now, looking at it. Looking at it. Yeah, I think, I mean, everyone, like, you get out of a five-year relationship or anything. Anything, and that's a period of time you look back on it, it's like, wow, that was a blur. But when you're living at it, it.

it, you're like, wow, this is, you know, those first few months felt like forever being in there. And now when I think about everything, like at the time, you think a three-year prison says it's a lot because it's like, wow, three years. And then looking back on it, it was such a small period of time. And I feel like guys that even do like, you'll meet guys in the federal prison system that they're on their second 10-year bid. Yeah, like how? Yeah, or their second 20.

I've met so many guys. They're like, yeah, this is my second 20 piece. And they say that like, it's nothing, you know? And you're like, are you nuts? Yeah. So, I mean, it's just, it's all about perspective. You know, time's different for everyone. And you don't, and it's not just your perspective.

It's your family member's perspective. Right. Those 20 years could fly by for you, but for your parents or your family that you could lose people. You could, it could be a whole different experience. Yeah, I agree. Especially like when people pass away outside and there's someone inside. And they're like, you know, they weren't there. They didn't get to witness it or go through it.

Like, there is a lot of pain. involved in that. Absolutely. You know, I mean, I commend you for doing something with it because not everybody does. They don't, you know, so that's a big thing. It is. Thank you, host, Brie. You're welcome. The new host of Lockton. I'm the new host of Lockton. So you've been clean for six years now. Seven. Seven years. Congratulations. Thank you. What have been the biggest life lessons you've learned among your journey? Oh, God, there's so many. I mean, out of it, I think I've learned. I've learned, that a lot of everything in life is based off of history, patterns, behaviors, and we kind of get all of our traits and aspects and the way we do things in life from our childhood.

I think this is huge. And I think a lot of people in society don't want to accept that they need to maybe possibly go out against the grain and different facets of life to maybe heal those things. I think it's hard for our collective as a whole to do that at times. I think there is a lot that goes to say that we have power. I think that when you are struggling and you lack self-worth and you don't like yourself, it's really easy to feel small. When in reality, like the fact that we're alive is like what one and like a

trillion something to be alive right now like the chances of us being alive are so slim that that is just miraculous in itself even if it's random it's still crazy the fact that we're having this conversation is crazy right nothing is just like coincidental so when you go through life and you accept that nothing is coincidental and you're in charge and you're powerful and you have like the ability to kind of carve your way through life as long as you're willing to do that with it it becomes easy and it flows and even the bad things the things that hurt us the things that you know make us question our reality when people tell us who we are and we know we're not that person but now we're questioning it when that happens we have to understand that like we're also

all different like your opinion is different from mine and how i see you versus me versus that person and we can't live for other people we're living for what we can provide for those around us so and ourselves So I do believe there is like a higher path to all of this. And I have gotten a lot of the things I wanted despite thinking I couldn't get here, if that makes sense, right? I think that everybody's recovery is very different. We all have different ways we go about it. Like some people are on maintenance medication. That is a huge subject in the recovery community.

And if you are, there is a big stigma on it. Also, people are absent from everything. There are people who have taken nothing at all since they've come into recovery. and that's great too. You should pick what works for you and what works for you isn't going to necessarily fit the mold of what works for someone else. So it's never going to hurt you to open doors to you know, counselors, therapists, you know, healing, any type of healing you want to do. If you like outside therapeutic versions of healing, go for it. You know, anything that you really think is going to benefit you isn't going to hurt you. So it's not, I don't want to say anything. God, someone will run with that.

But, you know, everything's a grain of salt. Even if you're an A or NA, like everything needs to be taking with a grain of salt because we can take anything and turn it into something that can hurt us as people in recovery, you know, that have been through substance abuse. And we're not victims. This is huge. I don't like when people use themselves as a victim to perpetuate the pain and suffering they put amongst themselves and others. You know, we could have, we've all been through. hard things, all of us. And it's how we perceive it, right? So when someone goes through something painful and traumatic, like, you know, you've been through prison and you're here doing this,

like not, it's not a reason to keep hurting yourself and you're not, right? So you're doing something with it. And I don't know who you are at home. I don't know how you treat people. I don't know what goes on inside your heart and your soul, right? But I do know that you're using at least this one piece to help other people and make them feel less judged. and less stereotyped. And, you know, it kind of gives that, like, human nature back to humanity. And not just us looking at one another, like a label. And labels are fine.

They can help us go in a direction if they're used correctly. But I don't know. I just hate when people use victimizing themselves as a reason to hurt other people. And it's so easy for anyone to slip into that, you know, shitty mindset where they're just sitting in it, not moving. and we only have so long to live. You know, I think we come back. Maybe we do. Maybe we don't.

But why are we going to keep dabbling that? And if you struggle with anxiety and depression or some sort of mental health, there's nothing wrong with utilizing, you know, some form of counseling or therapy, even if you don't. I think people have this idea that like therapy's wrong or weird or you have to have some big diagnosis to really go through it when it's not. You know, we have to make our own opinions for ourselves. And society can't do that for us.

And in case anyone hasn't realized this is like society's bonkers. Like it makes no sense. So we can just decide that majority probably doesn't have always the right ideas at this point. So, you know, go on, live your life. Be good, be free. And, you know. What do you want people to see you as? Um.

I mean, I'm good at, you know, making sure people perceptualize me in the way that I want. I can definitely say that. But I want people to see that I'm not just a pretty face coming on a screen because I want to. It's not just me coming up here because, you know, I'm a dumb blonde because I do get that sometimes. And you can tell if you listen to me speak that I'm not. But I just want to make sure people understand there isn't deeper side. I can be very superficial. I can.

I'm not going to pretend I can. I'm okay with that, you know. But there is a harder, more, like, softer, actually side of me that goes quite deep. That feels the pain of other people and wants people to kind of mix that pain with power and move forward and, like, help people kind of, like, you know, jump into this new life that they want. I don't know. I want them to see me as, like, you know, nice and bubbly and powerful. and sexy and great. So like all those things combined

and that I've been through a lot and go damn like she got through it. Great. So I can't. That's what I want. Yeah. That's what I want. No, you carry yourself with that. Like I saw how you walked in and you know,

you have that aroma to you. So that's awesome. And I respect that. You do too. You have a very good vibe to you. A good vibe? It's sweet. Yeah.

It's like a sweet mix with like a, you know, you obviously have confidence. It might not be like so gigantic that like you're eating. statistical, but you have it. I can feel some on you. You've got a picture yourself out there. Oh, stop. He's got a picture of himself out there. I'm going to take a picture with it. Here's the problem, right? Here's the problem. Girls give me a hard time for that.

When we take a thousand solvies a day. No, but no, I'm not even to compare myself to a woman. It's a logo. It's no different than a business logo. It just happens that my podcast is about, like it's me as the host. So of course I'm going to have it in the office. Name one business that doesn't have their logo in their office. There's probably not very many. Ronald McDonald's, you know, has the arch every time you walk in. He does. He's...

Ronald McDonald. I think you all mean an apology for hating on my poster, which you're probably going to take a picture. I don't hate it. I love it. It's great. All right, thank you. It represents me well. I actually like it. I actually liked it like your tattoos or something. Oh, here we go. You know, like I'm Ian Bick.

This is, you know, that's great. I like it. I would do it too. I would absolutely do it too. You're pretty much doing it now. You got the tattoos. I do. And here and year old. Yeah, I do.

I love tattoos. Bree, thank you for coming on the show today. It's been a very intellectual conversation and I enjoyed this very much. Thank you. I did too. And it was worth the seven hour drive to get down here. So, no, I definitely think you're doing a good thing. So.

Thank you. Keeps me.