Locked In with Ian Bick - I Ran Drugs — Then the DEA Sent Me To Prison | Mary Valdovinos

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

Mary Valdovinos grew up in Connecticut with a supportive family and was accepted to Yale, but a spiral that began junior year of high school led to addiction after graduation. She fell into the orbit of drug dealers, became a drug runner, and was arrested by the DEA for conspiracy to distribute. After violating probation—and a second chance—she landed in federal prison. In this candid interview, Mary shares what life inside was really like, the turning point that led her to recovery, and how she now mentors and empowers justice-impacted women. It’s a raw, honest story of addiction, accountability, and second chances. #AddictionRecovery #TrueCrime #RedemptionStory #PrisonStories #WomenInPrison #JusticeReform #SecondChances #drugaddiction Connect with Mary Valdovinos: https://www.instagram.com/mary_epiphany?igsh=MW9kMTlkeG11ZXYzbA== Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Use code LOCKEDIN for 20% OFF Wooooo Energy Buy Merch: http://www.ianbick.com/shop Timestamps: 00:00 Intro 00:26 Mary's Upbringing and Family Values 04:39 Childhood Success and Early Pressures 08:38 Middle School, Bullying, and Finding Friends 12:39 High School Achievements and First Signs of Trouble 15:39 Partying, Drug Use, and Parental Denial 19:59 Addiction Deepens and Family Struggles 25:30 Running Drugs and Crime Escalates 32:06 Probation, Manipulation, and Second Chances 39:44 Relapse, Reconnection, and Fentanyl 44:47 DEA Raid and Arrest 53:10 Cooperation, Lies, and Facing Federal Charges 01:01:12 Court, Sentencing, and Probation Challenges 01:09:41 Final Probation Violation and Prison Sentence 01:17:18 Federal Prison and Detox 01:26:04 Prison Life, Survival, and Mental Health 01:33:09 Rehabilitation and Rebuilding After Prison 01:39:01 Making Amends, Lessons, and Advice Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and like twirled it around her finger and I was like I need to hit her now I hit her but we were in SAG we were in the shoe so she was like just as shocked as I was and I go back to my bunk and I sit on it and I pretend like I'm reading the only book in our cell and she goes and slams on the door and she starts screaming let me out of here get me out of here Mary Voldavinos grew up in Connecticut with a supportive family and a Yale acceptance. Then a spiral starting junior year derailed everything. After high school, addiction pulled her into dealer's orbit. She became a drug runner, was arrested by the DEA for conspiracy to distribute,

violated probation after a second chance, and landed herself in federal prison. Now, Mary's rebuilt her life and uses her story to mentor and empower justice impacted women. Mary, welcome to Lockton. Thanks so much for coming today. Thank you for having me, Ian. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, we've been talking about doing this for a while. I'm glad we can make it happen.

You're right down the road in Norwalk. Yeah, I've actually lived there for over 20 years now, so this was like a 20-minute drive, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad at all. And right to Stanford, too. Yes. Which is like the mini kind of New York City type thing for Connecticut. Norwalk is becoming like that, too.

It's getting crazy. It used to take me like five minutes to get across town, and it takes me maybe 30. now. They made it really nice, though, in South Norwalk. I like going there to eat or the mall there. For sure, but way too many people. Way too much traffic. Yeah. It's definitely nicer than Danbury, though. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Just like with the nightlife and everything. Yes, yes. They do have a nice nightlife scene. So we met through the child mentorship program that we were doing Connecticut. And it's so funny when people introduce me to people. They're like, oh, they went to prison too. You got to have them on the show. Great. I wonder how people actually feel about being introduced.

like that to someone? You know, for me, I don't mind anymore. I've learned to be an open book. And I always say, if you don't own it, it will own you. Yeah. I mean, that's very powerful. And that's what the whole point of the show is about. Yeah.

So you were born in Norwalk, too? I was born in Stanford. I grew up there until I was 10 years old. My family moved to Norwalk. Both of my parents were immigrants. My mom came over for school. My dad came over for work. And I had a really good upbringing.

I have one younger sister, and we're really close now, but it wasn't always the case. You know, getting in trouble and all of that. That was my own doing. It had nothing to do with the way I was brought up. And my parents definitely gave us every opportunity that they could afford to us. So I was very blessed. What was the age difference between you and your sister? It's about two years, a little over a year and a half.

So we were very close when we were younger, drifted apart a little because of my own choices. And, you know, over time, people say trust takes time to rebuild, right? And you'll prove it to them. And when I stopped trying to prove it to them and just started to prove it to myself, that's when things started to improve between us. What were your parents doing for work while you were growing up? So my dad used to own a stone masonry company growing up, and he basically, you know, paid the bills, took care of our family.

My mom didn't go back to work until I was about in third grade. And my sister was in first grade and she was a social worker. So similar work to what I do now because I do the same thing. I'm in human services. Were you guys a close-knit family? Very, very. What were some of the values they instilled in you as a kid growing up? Oh, honesty, motivation, hard work, absolutely.

Education was huge and just being a good person. You know, everything my parents did, even though my dad had, his own small company, he was very generous to people around him, even more so than my mom, who was a social worker and in different ways, right? But everything we did was to put good back out into the world and into our family. Do you think you understood those traits as a child, or do you think it took years of, you know, of growing older and what you went through to figure that out? It definitely took years to figure it out. In retrospect now, it's something that I value because as I grew up with and it was instilled in me, right? So even as an adult, making some poor choices,

those values and morals were still there. They were lingering. And no matter what I did, I did my best to be a good person. How would you have described yourself as a kid or as a young teenager? So overachiever, a little bit of a child prodigy on the way. My mom had us involved in everything and there was a little bit more pressure on me to succeed being the oldest sister. So from a young age, all my life, I danced ballet. I played the violin. I played the piano. My true passion was the violin, though. That really took off for me. And I felt like it transported me to a different dimension in a way. I could authentically be myself. And I really focused in on that. I was a straight-A student, really good.

my mom taught us English and Spanish at the same time, so I'm fluent in both languages. And when we moved to the Norwalk school system, I have to say the Stanford school system had set us up for success because I had my sixth grade teachers telling me that if I was to go into the eighth grade honor classes, I would still be ahead of everyone else. And, you know, they had me like on the wall, which was super embarrassing because I was in a new school. was shy. I was an introvert at the time. And my face was plastered on the hallway wall for a whole year. Like high honor roll. The student hasn't dropped her grades. She keeps doing great. And yeah, my mom signed me up for Japanese when I was in sixth grade. So I'm like, okay, I'm new. I'm

different. I have no friends. And I'm studying Japanese. Like, what am I going to do? So I definitely honed in on that and it opened the doors for me. I was able to study abroad. I traveled to Japan. It was our first year as a school doing this student exchange program. And there was some pressure on our class. My teacher said, you know, this trip is going to make her break, whether this relationship continues. And she had us make a speech our last day there. Of course, like, she helped me translate the whole thing, Mrs. Goldenberg. She was a wonderful teacher, so sweet. She helped me translate mine and I got a standing ovation and everyone's like oh my god you did so good I'm like thanks I don't really know you know what I said I know what I said in English um but they credited me

with opening the doors for that relationship to continue and it still goes on now so you know I was very proud of myself I felt accomplished I struggled a little bit um with friends I was bullied pretty badly, maybe because I was an overachiever. At the time, there wasn't MySpace or Facebook or Instagram. So we had online blogs, and one of them was called Zanga. Have you ever heard of that? Oh, gosh, before your time, Ian, really? How old are you know? 33. Oh, you're only three years older than me.

Yeah, so you just dodged that bullet. Yeah, when I was in school, it was MySpace. MySpace. And AIMAOL, all those. Yes, so we had AIM2. But Zanga was, it was an online blog, like a journaling platform and a group of girls that I had become friendly with. They had targeted me and they were bullying me really badly, you know, basically telling me that I should kill myself, making up stories about me. I remember breaking my then desktop computer and I was like, I'm done.

And there was so much pressure for me to go back to school and do well that I kept. going to school, obviously. I couldn't tell my mom more than one day that I didn't feel good because she was the type like, let me take your temperature. So, yeah, that just, I just focused on my schoolwork and made a new group of friends, gone into sports, kept playing the violin, I was still in dance. And once I got to high school, I started opening up more. I was, I guess, like, blossoming in a way, you know, making new groups of friends. I play. I played field hockey in lacrosse. I became a first violinist in the first month I was in school, started playing with local symphonies and the youth Philharmonic and Stanford chamber orchestras.

And I felt really in a good place. What were you thinking of doing career-wise for your future at that point if you had anything figured out? Oof. I wanted to do something great. I really wanted to be a lawyer and I wanted to fight the bad guys in court. But I also wanted to defend people that were wrongfully accused of things that they didn't do. So that defensive part of me was always there, the caring side. My mom says I grew up, you know, very innocent, naive in a way. So I think that has stuck with me my whole life and it's been a blessing and a curse. What's one thing you wish you could change about high school if you could go back in time and redo it i stopped caring as much when i got to my junior year i killed the SATs i killed the aces i got into yale my junior year of high school

a very small scholarship um and i just thought i had everything set for me that i could start to slack off so i did uh i stopped to playing sports. I started hanging out with a different crew. I started smoking weed and I started selling weed, throwing house parties. And somehow I was getting away with all of it. Why do you think you're getting away with it? I feel like your parents would have, you know, become very strict on you very quickly if you go from that star student, probably a lot of pressure by the parents on you to doing that. Yes. And at the same time, they sort of thought I was set too. So they allowed it. And, you know, we would hide the liquor like in the washing machine in the dryer when my parents would come down. The cops would show up sometimes. But eventually these parties got out of control. Like people standing outside on the stone wall that my dad built with funnels, you know, chugging beers. My neighbors calling the cops. I mean, it's a small suburban neighborhood in Norwalk.

So things started to get a little out of hand and I was like, okay, I've got to tone it down. But my parents were still, my mom was kind of a little bit of an enabler. She was like, oh yeah, no, it's not your fault. It's theirs. Don't worry. Everything's okay. You just keep going to school, doing good. I remember my first police interaction was because of school.

We were in midterms or finals or something and I did not study. I pulled the fire alarm and a couple of girls that I thought I was cool with saw me and they told on me right away. The school resource officer called me down and I just like bullshitted my way out of it. I was like, what are you talking about? He was like, did you, did you wear a glove? I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And yes, I did wear a glove. Because of the ink that shoots out of you.

Yeah, because people, you know, I thought it out. I wasn't just, before I do something, I'll plan it out, I'll think it through. And I'm like, okay, this is stupid, but I'm going to do it anyway. What do you think caused that unraveling junior year that, you know, kind of caused you to lash out? Was there too much pressure on you and too many rules growing up by your parents? Or what do you think it was? There was certainly an expectation on me. But I started working at an early age, basically as soon as I could.

I saved up for my car. So I was like one of the only people in my class with a car. Just having that freedom, but I still followed through with my responsibilities and what was expected of me. I was also in a not so good relationship in high school. And that relationship exposed me to a slew of things that I shouldn't have been around. And I wouldn't have otherwise been if I wasn't in that relationship. So what happens? Do you end up graduating high school and going to college? Or what does the story look like? Oh, by the skin of my teeth. I graduated high school. Senior prom was, wow, like a movie in itself. And that's kind of where my experimentation with hard drugs started. But I graduated. And I had no plans to go to college. I did not know what I was going to do. I figured, you know, a couple of the schools.

that I applied for, the only schools I applied for I basically got into. So I felt that I could go and do whatever I wanted. And ultimately, I thought, well, I have no plan, you know, I guess I'll do community college. Norwalk community college is right there in my town. And I didn't even pick up on that right away. My drug addiction took off. How did your parents react to you getting into Yale and and then picking community college to go to school? I honestly don't even remember. I was getting away with everything. I somehow would manipulate the situation to make it look like,

well, this is better for me. You know, we can't afford that anyway. And my mom knew, you know, early on, she was like, well, realistically, is this really where you want to go? Is this really what you want to do? And no, because I had no idea what I wanted to do. I knew that I was following this relationship, my friends, and just having fun.

I had no direction. And I believe because, you know, what you asked earlier, that expectation to excel, maybe that pressure had gotten to be too much for me. And I was just looking for a way to fit in wherever I could. And, yeah. Looking to start 2026 with an unforgettable. getaway. Fiji Airways sale is on now. Fly non-stop round-trip to Fiji from just 748. Or enjoy a sunny Fiji stopover on your way to Australia with roundtrip fair starting from 839.

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You know, one of my best friends had a three and a half foot bong. And we were clearing that every day and kind of showing off with it. So I felt like I could do anything. drug that I wanted. I had been prescribed pills for sports injuries. I had my appendix out when I was like 14 and my mom did not fill the script. She did not want me to take any of that medicine and now I know why. But at the time, you know, even if I did fill the script, I was giving those away to friends. I didn't realize the value that they held or the danger that they held as well. So come around senior prom time.

Me and my friends were experimenting with Coke. You know, we had fun. It wasn't really my thing. A lot of my friends got into pills. That wasn't really my thing either. And late that summer, I want to say, a friend of my friends had introduced me. to heroin. And at the time, she was like, it's just like a crushed pill. It's the same thing. It's just cleaner and purer, and it'll make you feel better. Also, she told me that my high school

boyfriend had just cheated on me. So I'm like, my whole world is crashing down. I'm like this little girl. I had no direction. I had no idea what I was going to do. And I was like, F it, you know, I tried it. And that was the beginning of a long downward spiral. How do you think someone with good morals raised by a good family gets to that point where they're willing to try those things? What do you think clicks in the mind to do that, even though you could be raised by an amazing family and have all the things in life and you still kind of choose to do that? Avoid. Something is missing inside you. You know, although I had this, you know, great life laid out for me, essentially you would think.

I had a close-knit family. I didn't feel seen. I didn't feel valued. I didn't feel good enough. I remember I would come home and I'd be like, Mom, I got the highest grade in my class, you know. I beat everyone, this and that. And she would be like, yeah, okay.

I'm like, what do you mean? Okay, well, that's expected of you. So I was like, oh, all right. So I'm chasing this success. that almost didn't even matter to me. It was like a race to the finish line. And once I passed it, I'm still running, but towards what? And I feel like that's a feeling a lot of people experience.

Maybe it doesn't lead them to drugs, but it does lead them to other behavior. And we see that, especially with social media, that demand and pressure it puts on people comparing ourselves to others and making decisions. based on those feelings. Absolutely. So you start doing heroin, what happens? It was a very rapid downhill trajectory from there. I started out using on the weekends, you know, I was hiding it, I was still working.

I always kept a job. And it didn't take long before I was letting my friend shoot me up. And that was it for me. I mean, I remember the first time I tried heroin. It was a feeling that just, it felt like it was meant for me. It felt like it completed me. A euphoria that filled every positive sense that I had, more than that warm blanket feeling that they describe, it filled the holes, the void that was in me. And it just felt right.

I mean, it felt like crap, actually. So I got really sick. I was throwing up, but that euphoria was still there. And a part of me thought, I need more of this. Like, I want to do it again. And I couldn't wait to keep doing more. So it didn't take but a couple of months before I was fully hooked. How could something that gives you such bad side effects make you feel so good at the same time?

I can't explain it. And I hope you never find out, honestly. It's, um, you know that it's bad for you, but eventually those bad feelings wear off and you just become dependent on it. It makes your, your mind, body, soul feel better. And it also hooks your mind, body, and soul. By the time you're actually hooked and in full-blown addiction, are you still going to school? Are you living with your parents? What does that look like?

Well, my mom was pushing me to take a couple classes at the community college at least. So I did sign up for like some criminal justice classes. I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew I was committing crimes just by doing these drugs. And I was living at home. Pretty early on my parents noticed my mom especially and she started to find things. She started to call me out on it. I'd blame it on a friend.

Okay, get rid of that friend. But the drug lifestyle started to take over. Do you think your parents were ill-equipped to handle your drug addiction? Absolutely. Absolutely. I was not privy to the fact that heroin even existed in my town. I had no idea where it came from. I didn't know anyone who used it or so I thought.

And my parents had no exposure to it. My dad was an alcoholic growing up. He drank beer every day and he's a couple of years sober now. And that's just because it took a toll on his health. That's more socially acceptable. But as far as drugs go, they were against the pot. They were against any hard drugs. And understandably so.

How was your sister reacting to this? My sister hated me. She hated me. I might get emotional. And I felt really bad because I wanted to be a role model for her. And I couldn't be anymore. Why do you think she didn't go down the same path you did? because she saw what it was doing to me.

My sister was once the social butterfly, and then she started focusing in on her schoolwork while I started becoming a social butterfly and partying. And she was embarrassed by it, I'm sure. I would be too if I was in her shoes. So do you think that if she didn't have you to see how those experiences affected you, she could have very easily succumbed to that same path?

Absolutely. Yeah. What happens next? Oh, boy. So I started, first of all, I was connected to my friend's drug dealer. You know, at first, they kind of try to keep it from you because they want to maybe charge you more so you pay for their drugs and your own. She introduced me to him, and that was it. I started, I had access to my own drugs.

He started asking me if I would go make little deliveries for him. And I soon became a drug runner without even realizing it. I was being paid in drugs and a little bit of cash. And when they would go out to these nice, fancy restaurants to eat, I would go along with them. So just for some clarity, this wasn't some street level drug dealer. This was someone who was only selling. to very wealthy Fairfield County people. He dressed like he was an entrepreneur.

He was very charismatic. You would think that this guy was working on Wall Street somewhere. But all the while he was selling drugs to people, including myself. And what kind of drugs were you selling and running for him? I know you were doing heroin, but what were the other drugs? Everything, everything. the majority of people would look for for pills, for heroin. Coke was huge, but crack was bigger.

And you would be surprised how many people in like mansions and Dary Ann are spending hundreds of dollars a day on crack. It doesn't really seem like though that a heroin addict like yourself would fit his mold for the business. If he's dressing up and he's running it like a professional business as an entrepreneur, why would he want you involved? His exact words were because I was a little girl. I didn't look like a heroin addict. And if the police pulled me over, they were very likely to let me go. How much drugs were you moving for him? In the beginning, not a lot.

And I say in the beginning because he ended up being arrested. He had a bunch of other people running drugs for him. I mean, he had a wife. He had a girlfriend. He had a young couple that he put up. a place to sell out of their place for him. And it was run like a business. So I wasn't as involved then as I was years down the line when he came back home and

started selling again. And we were reconnected. So when he got arrested and went to prison, that stopped the operation? Yeah. And what happened to you when that happened? Nothing. So you didn't get in trouble and never got caught for that circumstance? Not at all.

No. And some people were able to fly. under the radar. I mean, I was, I was more like doing favors for him. It wasn't a regular thing. So I wasn't getting paid. I wasn't reaping the benefits of having a place to stay at the time. I still had a job. And I was a beginner drug addict. So, you know, with with a bag or two a day, I was, I was content. So what happens to you when he goes away? I connected with another person who was a customer of his, and I didn't know where else to get drugs. And I was like, I can't hit the streets.

You know, I don't look like the type to be down in South Norwalk at the time. Well, now it's so beautiful and cleaned up and gentrified. But at the time, it was, you know, there were people selling drugs out on the street. And I knew the risk that I would take going out there even asking. for drugs. I could, I could be killed. I could be kidnapped, whatever. So I connected with one of his other customers. He connected me with another drug dealer and he, I had a car. So that's what they were really after, you know. This girl's got a car. She uses drugs. We can take advantage of that and have her run drugs for us. So I basically did the same thing for him. He was a much lower level

level drug dealer and he was known in the community for getting into trouble so i knew it was only a matter of time um again i was only seeing a couple of people here and there mostly just to sustain my own addiction and after he got arrested i was more exposed to the street life um i connected with a guy who was a customer of his. We started dating. We became using buddies. And we started shoplifting, boosting baby formula. That was a huge come up. And it sounds crazy. But we were making upwards $500 a day, just cleaning the store shelves of baby formula and selling it to the bodegas to be able to afford our drugs. Yeah, I remember that was a big thing back in the day to the point where they started locking up the baby formula too. Yeah. I don't think it's as easy to boost it anymore. So how much would the

bodegas buy baby formula for? Oof. So the big cans would go, if they sell them for about 22 or 20 bucks, they would give you half of that. So $10 or $11. And the smaller cans would go for about eight and just think about it. We would come in with bags. And we were walking. I was probably like 85 pounds at the time walking the streets of South. Norwalk and Bridgeport because of course the boat, you know, you've got to go up the line and start selling to new people. So that's how we were making our living, but we definitely had some bad days. You know, there were times we would sleep under bridges, outside in parks. Our parents had had enough of us.

They were just sick and they wouldn't tolerate it in their house. So, and I don't blame them. You know, I was a little too bold at the time. thinking that what I was doing was okay and acceptable, but it was very shameful. And, you know, there were days we would scrounge up change just to have a dollar to buy a donut to eat for the day. Yeah, that was really tough. And we knew that we were bad in our addiction, but we didn't really seek help. And in a way we did because we were trying to get back on our feet going to what they used to call the drop-in center in Norwalk.

They would help you put a resume together or connect you with resources. But there was hardly anyone ever there. Sometimes they would close the door on us and kick us out. And it just felt like we weren't accepted anywhere. Eventually, you know, the police interaction comes along. He had already done time in the system when he was a juvenile. And he at one point went to jail. I remember going to visit him every day at BCC.

And that wasn't normal. I mean, I was like 19, 20 years old. Eventually, I got arrested by one store for shoplifting baby formula. And all of these other stores issued warrants for my arrest. And I was arrested six times in a matter of three months. And how old were you at that point when you got arrested? About 20 or 21. And these were all felonies you were facing, or was it misdemeanors?

Misdemeanors, yeah. And what was the outcome of those arrests? Oof. So I had a really great public defender, and he was a nice guy. He was able to drop some of the charges. He was like, oh, these are still photos. That's irrelevant to me. I'm like, okay, go off.

he combined all of those cases together into one and filed or applied for AR accelerated rehabilitation, which is a condition of the court if you stay out of trouble for a certain amount of time. Typically it's between one to three years. They will essentially drop all your charges. So it's like a probationary period. And they only gave me a year of AR for all those charges. and I remember the judge in the Norwalk court when it was still open, Judge Dennis, she turned and looked at me and said, if you get arrested one more time, I will raise your bond so high. Your mom and daddy will not be able to bond you out.

I was like, okay. I failed the AR a few months before the year hit because of dirty urns. I couldn't stop getting high. I was really struggling with my addiction. And I did try. I tried going to the rooms. I didn't know anything about rehab. So that just seemed like a foreign concept to me. From what I had heard, you know, celebrities go to rehab. How are we going to afford to go to rehab? You know, we are from very lower middle class families. And it's not fair to place that on our families. Right. This twisted form of thinking because look at all the shame that we were putting on our families. families at the time. So I tried going into the rooms. I wasn't very successful there. It was very clicky. I felt almost like that mean girl energy again, which I either, you know, run away from or isolate from in a way. So without trying to get my boyfriend at the time to relapse and go down

the path that I was going down, I started using on my own. And, maintaining that. So back to my cases, when I failed my AR, they didn't incarcerate me. They ended up giving me three years of probation for one of the larger cases and four years for another one. And that was the start of my probationary period. It kind of made me stay in line to an extent. I learned how to beat the urins. I learned, you know, how much time. I had to go between using to have a clean urine. And I had a very strict probation officer, but I think she was sick of me by the time she gave me early termination on both of them by like a year. And I had police interaction again, no new arrests, but she knew what was going on.

She had police officers reach out to her and say, you know, this girl was boosting baby formula. and somehow I'm like me what do you what do you and she was sick of me she was like get out of my office she was okay bye you know I'm still very polite very respectful trying to appear like I've got it together but I don't know she saw me one time driving with a suspended license and she called and left me a voicemail and said if I see you driving with your suspended license again you're going to jail and I called her back I was like I'm sorry okay You know, yeah, the day she gave me early termination. I remember going into her office for a regular check-in and she said,

these are your early termination papers. And I was like, oh, okay, great. I had no idea it was coming. I was certainly not qualified for it. I did not deserve it. But she put it in front of me. I signed the papers. And I asked, is this for both cases?

and she was still looking down and she looks up at me and she's like, what are you still doing in my office? Like, okay, thank you, bye. And I was out of there. Do you think the system was too easy on you in those early years?

Absolutely. I felt like, I felt, and this is something I haven't thought about in a long time. They were sending my then-boyfriend to rehab. and I thought that was so cool because one time I remember going up to visit him and it was like a country club. It was this beautiful place. You're not using drugs. You know, how do I sign up for this?

And in a way, I feel like they failed me. But at the same time, yeah, absolutely, they went too easy on me. I don't know if them sending me to rehab or a program at the time would have saved me for my addiction. but letting me get away with all that was certainly not helping either it just fueled it and you know addicts are manipulative and deceitful and those are two words i was called a lot during that time and i mean understandably so i was getting away with things i should not have been let off probation easy i should have gone to jail i should have gone to a program a lot a lot of things. What happens once you get off probation? Um, I was partying. I felt like I had less constraints on me, but I was always looking over my shoulder. And it didn't take long before I reconnected with my

first drug dealer. He came home and at this point, I'm still dating the same guy. You know, we were more like using buddies and best friends more than anything. But we, we, we, we, we, we, we had each other's support, you know, and each other's backs from what I felt. And, you know, my parents, they knew, but they were in denial, and they were kind of enabling me, too, because after me being out on the streets and being homeless for a little bit, they preferred for me to be home even though I was using versus being outside on the streets. and it's something that I understand because I see parents going through, but I will never fully understand because I'm not in that position

and I hope I never have to go through that. Do you think you broke your parents' heart at the time? Absolutely, absolutely. My dad definitely started looking at me differently, and my mom, it was a huge letdown for them. You know, they had high hopes for me. here I was as a young kid on this upward path. I had everything set out for me.

You know, how could I go wrong? Were you thinking those thoughts at all back then? Were you ever thinking, wow, I got into Yale or I had such a bright future, let me turn this around or how did I get here? Or those thoughts that don't normally come to someone until after they've gone through something like that and have seen the other side? Like you don't think about it in the moment. Yeah, I really wasn't thinking.

clearly at all in that moment. I thought that everything I was doing that was wrong, like committing crimes, was justifiable because I was an addict and I needed to get my fix. And as long as I wasn't hurting anyone, it was okay. You know, lo and behold, I reconnected with this first drug dealer around 2016 at this point. And it wasn't long before I was running drugs for him again. and this time it was off to the races. He reestablished himself, you know, nice car. He had his little team set up. I somehow fell in there somewhere, but I was so low in this circle.

It was about five of us that I felt like I wasn't even really part of the crew. You know, I'm doing this on the side, mostly just to afford my drugs, to get my allowance, a little bit of cash. sure if I needed a new phone they'd buy it for me you know he bought me my first blackberry back when I was like 18 years old and um yeah I felt like I fit in and it kind of goes back to that seeking fitting in and feeling welcomed and all of that so um I was still working at the time you know waitressing whatever I could really do but I maintained employment and things were getting out of hand. Narcan became a thing.

And even though it was around, it wasn't as readily accessible as it is now, but he had it all the time. So something in my head clicked like, this isn't okay if you have this ready to narcan someone. You know, he was mixing his own stuff. And though I wasn't fully privy to it, he would tell us, you know, he was ordering things from China looking for the strongest fentanyl at the time. Now, this is the first time I ever heard the word fentanyl. And it's supposed to be stronger than heroin. It's supposed to be able to kill you, be careful. So I wanted nothing to do with it because even though I was strung out,

I didn't want to die. And I was, I was afraid because I had close friends that used. I had my my boyfriend was using. And I told him no matter what he tells you, don't try the fatnal. And sure enough, he did. And I'll never forget, like, saving him from an overdose at my parents' house and dragging him into the bathtub, I had no idea what to do. It was my first time dealing with it. I did not have Narcan. And, and. Wishing you could be there live for the big game, soaking up the atmosphere of the crowd. But too often, life gets busy. Or the price holds you back.

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Yeah, I remember reading the articles in 2016 or even 2017 about the fentanyl crisis that was coming into Connecticut, especially in Hartford. There was a lot of big federal cases at that point. Why do you think that guy chose to get out of prison and start selling drugs again? You know, I remember asking him once, and he said something like, he's very smart. He could be doing anything he wants to. He said it was what he knew. He was great at it. He kind of said, you know, I'm a black guy.

I don't have a sick jump shot. You know, I don't know how to rap or sing. So this is what it is for me. And it didn't make sense because all of us were like, you could be doing anything you really want to do. You're so smart. But this is what you choose to do. So maybe the fast. life, the money, the luxurious lifestyle, all of that played into it.

How long were you working with them for? All in all, that time around, not even a full year. And then what happens? You guys get caught? Yeah, things started to hit the fan. Like I said, he was seeking out the strongest fentanyl from China and having it delivered to one of our, you know, one of the women in our circles house and I had no idea. This was an animal tranquilizer. This was carfetanol. And just Googling it and looking it up. I'm like, why are you using this? Why are you mixing it in? And he would tell me, you know, this is going to get people hooked. It said this is going to keep them coming back. And I'm not

using enough to the point where it'll kill them. I'm very careful. I'm very methodical. He would use these big words. And I'm like, okay, if you know what you're doing. At one point, I remember, I was on methadone at the time also. So I was on methadone for about 10 years. And, you know, initially I was, it was suggested, I think by probation, like this program is going to help you. This is good for you. In the beginning, they literally had my mom come in and sign a waiver saying how dangerous, acknowledging how dangerous methadone was and the bad side effects that it had. And now, after kicking it, cold turkey, I know that it's almost worse for you than the drug itself. Some people, it might help. I personally have never known anybody that's been successful on it.

For me, I know it, it didn't help me. And it enabled me to keep using. It almost made me, made it harder for me to quit my addiction. And you were still using drugs while on the methadone? I was still using drugs, yes, because the methadone was giving me that little bit of taste of the opiate. And as an addict, you just crave more of it. You're like, how can I get this faster? Well, then I needed both of those things to keep pushing. Anyway, I go to my methadone clinic one day to get dosed. And there's this very well known, Norwalk narcotics detective standing inside, and the manager of the program calls out my name, which like HIPAA, you don't do that, you know, you go to the window, you hand them your ID very discreetly and nobody's supposed to know very much. And when he called

out my name, like, there's nobody else in here. I'm like, yeah. So automatically I'm like, shit, what's going on? And he was like, oh no, I just wanted to see how you're doing today. I was like, I'm good. You know, I go through the window, I get my dose, go back out to the car, and sure enough, this detective is following me, watching me, pulls out his phone, takes a picture of my car, and takes something down as I drive away. So I called my plug, my drug dealer, and I was like, this just happened. And he was, it was like he already knew what was going on. He said, meet me at this hotel. So he would stay out of hotels, luxury hotels, for weeks at a time, and kind of camp out there, sell from there, sell from the neighboring areas.

And these are places like the Hyatt & Greenwich, you know, the Sheraton and Stanford. Very nice places. So he told me I had to pack my bags and go down to stay at the Sheraton Hotel in Stanford. And I told, I was like, why? You know, what about my job? What am I going to tell my family? He was like, I don't give a shit, you know, make something up, figure it out. The cops are on us. So if you don't want to go to jail, you'll listen to me. And I'm like, okay, this is getting real. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what you did. And I jokingly was like, who died? And he was like, what did you say? And I was like, oh, no. I just knew. I just knew things were. going to get bad. So I went home, did as I was told, packed my bag, and I told my mom I had like a live in case like nannying or something in New York. And my mom asked a few questions, but she was like, okay, you know, just you'll, you'll have your phone on you, right? You'll come and visit, right?

I'm like, yeah, yeah, everything's cool. I'm staying in Stanford, literally, you know, two towns down and just selling to customers out of there. So or neighboring areas around there. It wasn't long before he leased an apartment through someone else's name on the border of New York, so in Portchester. And it was a brand new luxury apartment building. It was beautiful. And I was like, oh, this is really cool. And he was like, you think so.

You're staying here. And I was like, okay, all right. So I lived there. It felt good. I'm like, I've got this nice place. I know there's things going on. I know I'm going to be careful. But it almost felt like new territory.

So the same people I had to look out for weren't going to be coming after me. That Norwalk narcotics detective wasn't going to be showing up here, right? No. That lasted for a little while. I want to say about six months, about. four months in maybe five he gets picked up and he was at a hotel with his girlfriend in elmsford new york i believe and i was on the phone with him and i heard d a get down on the ground and i'm like oh no what's happening i was i was like shit this is it we're done um so he was with his girlfriend

and I called his baby mama because, you know, he had them both. I called his baby mama and I was like, this is what I just heard on the phone. You know, I didn't tell her about the other girl that was always like, you know, don't tell. Keep it to yourself. And she freaked out. She was pregnant. And, you know, I told her, stay calm. Don't worry.

You know, we'll figure it out. He had a storage unit down the street. full of drugs. So we knew that we could keep the business going. And she had done it before. So the time before he went to prison, she had kept the operation running. So she knew what to do. They knew that they could trust me, even though I was a drug addict. I was always correct with the money. I was always correct with the drugs with my notes, which, you know, hurt me in the long run because The feds picked that up. But I became really paranoid.

Even before he got picked up, I was like, hey, there's a blacked-out SUV outside. That's the cops. And he would tell me, you're paranoid. You're delusional. You know, don't pay any mind to that. They're not after me yet. They don't know I'm here. And sure enough, they were watching us.

So about a month and a half or two after they picked him up, I was still staying. in the apartment still I was selling to a smaller client base because we kind of try to weed out people who could be a risk factor people who could tell something that could lead to the police some people I was like he's a cop I know it you know we can't serve to him um but yeah I went to dinner at bar taco down the street with my then boyfriend and I called my plugs baby mother and I was like there's cops here. And she was like, relax, calm down. My boyfriend's like, she's paranoid. Don't listen to her. And she was like, listen, I'm sending you money for dinner. You know, we already had money. We were making really good money. I was like, we're good. She was like, no, but relax, you know,

have a couple drinks, have fun, enjoy yourself. We'll talk after. And I'm like, okay. But the whole time, Like my spidey senses are on high alert. I'm like, oh, God, this guy doesn't belong. He's just standing there. Like, I'm looking out for all these red flags. And sure enough, that was the day that the DEA ran up on us. We left dinner. We had a couple drinks.

So we were a little tipsy, but we lived right up the street. From my, when I got settled into bed and everything, I turned on the TV. I was ready to like just call it a day. And one of our loyal customers called and was like, hey, I'm down the street. And I was like, oh, shit, I forgot about him. So I sent my boyfriend. I was like, can you just go see him? And I was like, he was like, oh, I really don't want.

I'm like, just, okay. So he goes and sees him. And maybe like 20 minutes later, my custody calls me and is like, they pulled over your boyfriend. I was like, what? Who? I was like, crap. His license is suspended. So I'm like, oh, let me get my.

stuff I'm coming to to save him right I don't know what I thought I was going to do so something in me told me this could be a setup but he would have told me he would have told me these are the feds these aren't normal cops these you know they're in unmarked cars this was a loyal customer and he didn't say any of that so instead of hiding anything I just grab my stuff and I run out sure enough I pull out of the garage. I turn a corner and I'm surrounded by DEA agents. Guns drawn. I mean, I'm freaking out even thinking about it.

They all pull up yelling at me. Turn the car off. Put your phone down. Hands up in the air. And I'm like, oh, like, what do I do first? Hold on. Like, I'm literally freaking out. And my custody is still on the phone.

And he's like, oh, my God, what's going on? I was like, I got to call you back. So I listened to them. They pulled me out of the car super aggressively. They started raiding it. And I'm like, what the hell is going on? And they were like, you know, one of the guys showed me his badge. And he was like, I think you know what's going on.

You know, they said my co-defendant's name. Do you know who that guy is? And I was like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Sure enough, they played me a tape. recording they were like really one of the other guys comes over and he's on the tape recording being asked do you know who mary valdovinos is and he flat out says yes she's a subcontractor of mine and they're like what does that mean she sells drugs for me i'm like oh my god like you've got to be kidding me this is i was like i have no idea what you're talking about like obviously they didn't

any of my bullshit. They cuffed me. They had me stand there. They went through my car. And where I got stopped right in front of my apartment building was across the street from a church. And it was right on the green. So all these people, it was maybe like 10, 15 people came out. And I was like, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. And one of the women walks up to me and she's like, we don't know what's going on, but we're praying for you. And I'm like, oh, my God. This is so. And I'm like, Thank you. You know, I was brought up Catholic. So obviously I wasn't as faithful in my religion at the time, but I was like, God, please help me. I'm sorry. Like, you know, repenting to myself. It was, it was just, it was just bad. They ended up calling the U.S. attorney who said that what they found in my car, it was, it was personal use. I had a couple bags. I was an IV users. So I had a couple needles and I had like three grand in cash in the trunk, which to me at the time was like chump change, you know, in case of an emergency, in case I get a flat. But they're, yeah, she was like, that's not enough to get her, you know, go in the apartment.

And they wanted me to sign off on them going in. And I was like, I don't know what you're trying to do. I don't even live here. You know, I'm still trying to bullshit my way out of this. Well, they grabbed my keys. they pulled me cuffed, you know, with them. And they had, they kind of like guided me to the place. They're like, which apartment is it?

I was like, I don't know. So I'm still being stubborn, defiant the whole time. Well, oh, they had my boyfriend pulled over down the street. And I was like, yeah, he has nothing to do with this. And they're like, oh, we know. I guess he might have told them what apartment it was. and they used the key, they let themselves in, and the raid was on. I sat there on the floor cuffed for like four or five hours

while the fire department just pounded away at the fireproof safe. And it was like just agony. They were like, you don't know the code to the safe. Of course you know the code. Yeah, I did. But I was like, no, this isn't my apartment. You know, I have no idea. What are we going to find in here?

Are there weapons? Are there drugs? Is there cash? And again, I'm like, I have no idea. You know, I don't want to be involved. I don't want to, I knew I was going down. I just didn't know how bad it would be. So they collected, you know, packaging materials and everything. They talked to the leasing department who showed them the lease. I wasn't on the lease. And by the end of the night, at this point, it was dark out. I had no idea what time it was. I felt like shit because. I was a heroin addict. I hadn't used. I felt like I was withdrawing. And they served me with a subpoena. I'm like, you're not taking me? I was very confused by it. And they were like, the subpoena said that, you know, I had a court date for me to be a witness against my plug and a couple other co-defendants that were listed. And they were like, be there. And that's what they left me with. just a destroyed apartment. They took everything that they found. And I didn't really know where to go from there.

So did you end up getting charged or they just wanted you as a witness? So they wanted me as a witness. I think that they knew I was the lowest person in our circle. I was nobody to them. And they told me. They were like, you know, you can get off this if you just come in, tell us what we need to know and we'll let you go. I'm like, okay, sure. So I had a witness attorney listed on the subpoena.

I call him. We set up a date. I go in. I meet with this prosecutor. And a couple of the DEA agents that were there. You know, and I'm very respectful, very proper. I show up. They had me sign some paperwork, you know.

This is to state that because you're cooperating with us, no charges will be filed against you. I'm like, okay. So ask away. And I completely lied to them the entire time. I mean, I made up fictitious people. Now, this wasn't my imagination. This was something that we planned if the feds ran up on us and were to pick us up. So to them, I'm probably this like sociopath, this pathological liar who's just pulling up names out of thin air.

But this was a plan that we had put together if the feds were ever to pick us up. So at the end of that hour, hour and a half, whatever it was, the U.S. attorney stands up and she rips the paperwork up right in front of me. And she was like, we're going to be arresting you. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, you completely sat here and lied to us. You are protecting monsters. You know, whatever you think you're doing, it's not okay.

And what was I going to say? You know, I really thought that they had nothing much against me. Yeah, they found the apartment, but I wasn't in it. Yeah, you know, I'm not on the lease. They never actually saw me selling drugs or caught me with that. So I wasn't sure what the extent of what they thought my involvement was until they ended up arresting me. And, you know, full disclosure, I knew what I was doing was wrong. You know, I knew I was committing a crime, being a drug runner.

At the time, you know, I'm using drugs too. I was the only person that was part of our circle that was drug dependent. So the way I always thought about selling drugs was I'm doing it. They're going to get it from somewhere anyway. I might as well help them with it. And that is such a twisted way to think. It wasn't until I got sober that I see it with clarity, but I was perpetuating the same harm that was killing me. slowly.

Anyway, about a week, maybe 10 days go by. And I was going down to the Bronx at the time to pick up my supply, mostly for personally use. You know, I was still looking out for a couple of my friends. And that night, I was getting ready to get into bed. And the narcotics unit shows up at my parents' house to pick me up. And I was in nothing but a nightgown. I'm like, okay, I'm going to bond out.

This is Norwalk Police Department. Nope. The next morning, I was transported to Bridgeport Federal Courthouse by the same two DEA agents that were in that room when I lied. And they just treated me like complete shit. I'm in full withdrawal now. You know, on the way up, they're like taking pictures of me on their cell phones and I'm miserable. I'm shaking. I'm throwing up.

I'm cuffed. And they're doing like face swap with my picture, like making fun of me. And I'm just like, really like they're just being assholes. But anyway, they were saying some stuff to me in the car. They were like, you know, you have no idea how much shit you're in. You've got two dead bodies on you. And I was like, what the hell are you talking about? I literally said what the hell are you talking about?

And they were like, oh, come on, you can stop playing stupid now. And I'm like, who are you talking about? They were like, well, the first body, we were investigating that we asked you about. And they had been asking about someone. But I was like, you know, that had nothing to do with me. And the second person that they mentioned was one of the women that was in our circle. And I thought that they were bullshitting me. I didn't know that she was actually dead.

So that was the first time I found that out. By the time I got to the Bridgeport Federal Courthouse was just, I'm just going through the motions. It's like you might as well have been dragging around like a lifeless body because I had no idea what was to come. They assigned me a special public defender because my co-defendants had already had theirs. And he was a great guy, you know, he was really trying to be helpful. but at this time, I still don't know who to trust. So I'm trying to stick to the story that I told them. You know, we're all on the same plan, right guys?

In my head? No. And he told me, you know, they're trying to hit you with manslaughter. And everything just came crashing down on me. I was like, this is unbelievable. So I went before the judge. I was arraigned. The prosecutor wouldn't even turn and look at me.

I was like, please, I'll tell you anything you want to know. At this point, I'm worthless to them. The queen pin was in the same courthouse signing her plea deal. So, and she to them was the best thing since sliced bread, as my lawyer put it. And she was privy to everything. She knew, you know, everything about the black market orders, about the delivery. about the content, there were things listed on my indictment that I had never even heard of. One of them was U4-770.

I could be wrong. It's an animal tranquilizer. And it was one of the substances that was found in the safe. So here I am, thinking I can postpone. I'm like, my family's in the courtroom, my then-boyfriend's in the courtroom, his dad's this, and the prosecutor turns and looks at them and says just for context for the family, you know, when they're reading off the charges, she says there's two dead people. So she will definitely be facing at least 30 years.

And my mom's face just went like white. And just like, and I'm like, why would she say that? Like that has nothing to do with me, you know, but of course they don't believe a word I say. they gave me no bond because I was a menace. I was a manipulative liar. I was protecting monsters. And I was a flight risk to them. So they sent me to York Correctional for holding at the time.

And there I sat with all of this crap and detoxing from the drugs, from the methadone. Just ruminating, going crazy. Like, what is going to happen to me? Where does my fate lie now? What are the final charges they indicted you on? Conspiracy with intent to distribute multiple narcotics, heroin, carfentanyl, U4-770, aiding and abetting. Yeah.

I believe that's it. they were really trying to come after us for the manslaughter charges. And so one of the people had been, you know, one of our customers, I don't know to this day who did it. I do believe that it wasn't entirely fair, that nobody got charged with it. I mean, by the grace of God, I didn't get charged with it because, and I turned to God so much at this time because I was like, you know, like I had nothing to do with this.

I didn't commit this crime and I'm facing 30 years for something I didn't do. And the other person, the woman who was actually, you know, kind of a friend of mine, I consider them all my friends. We were in the same circle. She definitely committed suicide. I mean, when I got my evidence package, it said, it showed images of her, like with her computer screen pulled up to the store. of our drug dealer being arrested. And she was ruminating in her head and she was anxious and we were trying to calm each other down at the time in case either one of us was arrested.

And I just kept telling her like, don't worry, like we'll be okay. We're in this together. But I think the agony of it all just got to her. And she ended up snorting straight carfetanil. And she was a pill popper. So that to me, that's a suicide. You know, I wasn't even touching the fentanyl, let alone carfetanil is the strongest form of fentanyl that there is. So that, that hit me really hard.

You know. How long did you sit in holding for? Three months. Three months. My attorney filed a motion to get me into rehab. So this was my first rehab ever. And, yeah, I didn't, I didn't know what. to expect. They first sent me to a transitional house in New Haven. I was on full lockdown,

no movement. My family was able to visit once or twice, but I was still just going crazy. I lost so much weight. I felt like crap, mostly because I didn't know what was going to happen with my case. I'm still, you know, going to court for it. Um, going. Going to rehab, though, was a unique experience. I definitely appreciated it. This was a time where I felt very grateful for any opportunity other than being incarcerated. And I was hopeful that fighting it from the outside would give me, you know, an upper hand and the opportunity to prove myself in many ways. Slowly but surely, my lawyer was incredible and he was able to gather some evidence. I would tell him, like, You know, this day, I was here, you know.

I don't know whose cell phone that was, but look at the camera footage. And they would go, they would get the camera footage, and they were able to prove that I wasn't in certain places that tied me to the crimes they were trying to charge me with. So, ultimately, they didn't charge anyone in my conspiracy with the manslaughter charges of a blessing and a curse. I didn't realize the gravity of things until I'm learning about these substances and I'm talking to people, which I shouldn't have been talking to anyone about my case in rehab because people were really making me feel like crap about it. You know, some people were like calling me a murderer, you know, you're the very person that we're trying to protect ourselves against. and all the while I'm struggling with my addiction. So I did that time. I would say all in all about a year I was away from home.

And they wanted to remand me back into custody, but my lawyer appealed that and he was able to get me to go back home. My sentencing was only a few months away. And I almost wish I had gone back to prison. because as soon as I came home, I received too warm a welcome from, you know, former drug dealers that were like, you know, good for you, but you should have snitched on him because he snitches on other people, on my plug. And, yeah, everyone pointed the circle at each other.

At the end of the day, it was like me, the lowest on the bar next to my plug, and all the in-betweeners just fell off. know, they cooperated, they got their plea deals, they were done. Most of them never even stepped foot in prison for a day. But I did what I did, and I don't regret it. But yeah, so one of my drug dealers tells me, oh, I heard your co-defendant just got 15 years. And that just, like, shattered me. I felt like I was home.

You know, this is a fresh start. Things are looking up. There was a new prosecutor on my case who was a lot more lenient, understanding of what I was going through. So my first instinct was to use again. That is how I coped with the anxiety. And it wasn't heroin anymore. It was all fentanyl by the time I came home. And that's all anyone had.

So I had a couple of overdoses. one was pretty bad and by this time people were carrying Narcan so by the grace of God I was I was saved and I'm alive today but one of those first times that I used again I was with a couple of friends I was like I'm only going to do a little bit you know I just started using again and I don't remember a thing all I remember is rising from the ground gasping for air like literally like you're reviving a dead body and i took one big gasp and i'm like from the ground sat straight up and everyone's freaking out in front of me like oh my god are you okay and i'm like in my head like shut the hell up you know it feels like i just got hit by a truck and after that it was i didn't want to

to stop. I wanted to keep using. I felt a sense of relief in that moment that even though I knew I was that close to death, I was none the wiser. There was no white light. There was no, you know, reflection on my life. It was just, and I thought to myself, if I was to die, this is the way to go. It was, like, that's bad. I was in this mental state of depressed. and anxiety and just regret. I felt so much shame for what I was going through, for what I had put my family through, for the way I tarnished my name, their name, and her other...

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I was sentenced to a year and a half, time served, and three years of probation. The judge and the prosecutor were really, you know, they were like, you're the only drug runner that was drug dependent and the only one who stepped foot in jail but has taken. strides to get better because they think I came home and I stayed clean and I'm still trying to beat the system giving them clean urins. But I wasn't. So they they were really nice to me. The judge said, you know, I don't believe that you belong in prison. I see a great deal of potential in you and I want to give you the opportunity to continue on this path. And I cried. I was so grateful. I thought three years of probation, this is going to be great. And it wasn't.

It wasn't. Federal probation was really tough. Way worse on the state. Way worse. And they were on to me. And they caught me with the fake urins. They were in communication with my methadone clinic because I got back on methadone. And they were like, this isn't adding up.

You know, they started sending me to programs. They started showing up at my job. You can't work under the table. You have to get a job on the books. So I didn't quit my under the table job. I got a part time on the books. Well, part time isn't enough. So you should go back to school.

So I go back to community college. And I'm actually focusing in. I'm getting straight A's. Well, you got a dirty urine, though. So you got to do 60 hours of community service and a day in lockup. Oh, my God. I was like, this is insane. Plus, they had me writing these journals every day for support.

court, which was, I mean, you go into a courtroom once a week and you're basically judged by a judge, probation officers, a community liaison. And I just remember I would sit there and cry every week because they would make me feel like crap about myself that I couldn't get clean. I couldn't stay clean. And mind you, I did want to. I just didn't know how. I felt. felt like it seems so easy, but tell it to my body that feels like crap if I don't have the drug. Tell it to my brain that wants to die if I don't have the drug. Tell it to all my emotions that are heightened when I don't have the drug. So it was it was definitely a challenge for me.

And I remember at one point I said, please just send me to prison. Like I can't do this anymore. I was beyond stressed out, super overwhelmed. It was no way to live. I was living to die and I did not care. I actually hoped that one of those shots would just take me out. And the reason I was a little careful was because of my family. You know, I had caused them so much pain already.

I didn't know if my existence would hurt them more or if it would hurt them less. if I was gone. I ended up violating my probation. There were a lot of, there were a couple times I should have violated in between though. One of them, I went to New York on Thanksgiving with my current boyfriend. And I was like, it's the Thanksgiving Day parade. Let's go down, whatever.

You know, we'll be in and out. We'll take the train in. So the toll reader doesn't read my license plate. My probation officer won't know. and we had a good time that day. We're riding the city bikes to like Rockefeller Center to go ice skating. And I slipped out on some sand. I landed on the edge of a sidewalk with the bike on top of me.

And those bikes are kind of heavy. You know, they've got the trackers in them and everything. And my boyfriend turns around and he's like, don't look down. And my leg was just completely broken. My foot was hanging off of my ankle. It was like a zigzag. It was crazy. And I didn't cry.

I just, I just yelled. I was like, you know. And it was for so many reasons. I mean, yeah, it hurt like hell. But also, I'm on federal probation. I'm not supposed to be down here. And everyone's like, we're going to call 911. And I'm like, no, no, someone's on the way.

And I told him like, you got to get these bikes back. And we have to call an Uber. My phone is dead. So go fast. So he goes, returns the bikes, comes back. We get an Uber back to the hotel to get our stuff up to Greenwich Hospital. And I'm like, oh, my God, we're in the free and clear. The whole time my foot is hanging off my leg.

It was crazy. And sure enough, the next day, my PO, you know, I told her I was in the hospital. She comes to my house and she's like, let me see the paperwork. You know, what were you doing in Greenwich? I was absolutely going to get violated if she knew I was in New York. I just made up, you know, I was at my cousin's house. And my parents kind of enabled me, you know, they went along with it. And, yeah, she made me go to a program.

After that, it wasn't long. I couldn't stop using. I was really bad off, and I really didn't care either. They violated my probation. The judge had been super lenient. and he seemed really disappointed in me, you know, he just couldn't wrap his head around. I mean, the look of disappointment on his face when I went before him in sweats because I knew I was going to prison. I didn't know where I would be going or for how long.

I owed about like 10 months and I think that's basically what they gave me. And the prosecutor said in the courtroom, Your Honor, this girl. is hopeless. She will never overcome her addiction. And we have exhausted all of our resources trying to help her. And I was, you know, I felt like crap hearing that, that I was hopeless and that I would never change. And the judge, they wanted to give me way more time plus probation on top of it. The judge said, clearly that didn't work for her the first time. So I'm going to give her what she owes and good luck to you. And that was it. I was off to Wyatt. And that is where I kicked my 12-year opioid addiction and 10-year methadone addiction, cold turkey. Oh, you did the full 10 months

at Wyatt? No. Oh, okay. I wish. They, um, two months after sent me to Cimarron in Oklahoma, it's like a facility that they contract with now. And then about a month and a half later, I was transferred to FDC, Philadelphia. So you never made it to a camp or anything. No, I wish. They just had you in detention centers. Oh, yeah. Why wouldn't they just send you to Brooklyn or something?

They sent you all the way to Oklahoma and then all the way back to Brooklyn? For 10 months. That's crazy. Yeah. That sucks. Way to waste government resources now. Yeah. I mean, we've talked about con air and everything on the show all the time.

It's just so crazy what they do, like shipping people across. And, I mean, to get from Danbury to New Jersey. It's like a one-month trip. Yeah. It's insane. And I couldn't believe it. I mean, the first flight from New York, because, you know, you depart from that military base to Oklahoma. Stewart Air Force Base.

Yeah, yeah, Air Force Base. That took an entire day from like 4 a.m. until we landed in Oklahoma at 1 a.m. And by the time we got processed, I don't know what time it was. Because they stopped in Illinois first, I believe. But just getting on and off that flight. And I got blackboxed. Do you know, do you know? Why'd they black boxed?

Oh, my God. They got the wrong short girl. Leaving from Oklahoma to Philadelphia, there was another girl who ended up being my bunky in the shoe. Oh, my God. That was a terrible experience. She was trying to talk to the guys through the gate. And I'm over here.

I'm minding my business. like I'm still detoxing from this over decade long addiction. I feel like crap. I'm like, I don't know where I'm going now. You know, leave me, let me be miserable in peace. And one of the guards tells her to cut it off, right? So she stops and then she starts again. And the guard goes, black box the short girl.

And a guard comes over to me and I'm like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? And he's like, he just told me to black box you. I'm like, her, she's short too. And he's like, ah, whatever. So he blackboxed me. And everyone was cracking up. I was like, oh, my God. So I'm blackboxed this whole time on the way to Philadelphia. And they put that like in your record, I guess. Yeah, like once, I think once you get black boxed once or something like that. Yeah. So every time you have to travel, you're black boxed. Hopefully never again. Because it, I mean, it's not, it's never comfortable either way. But everyone's like, what did you do? You know, all the marshals on the plane. And I'm like, nothing, nothing.

So you spent a lot of your prison sentence in just a cell basically. And when you're in detention centers, a lot of that is sell time. Yeah. Yep. Tell us about that. What was that like? So my first, well, Wyatt, I'll tell you, the women there were incredibly welcoming and supportive. And I made some great connections.

There was this one girl. She'll probably watch the podcast. Tiffany, she looked out for me hard. I mean, a lot of the girls in there were behind their addiction. And, you know, when you go into prison and you're an addict, people kind of treat you like crap because they're like, oh, here comes another junkie detoxing. And when you think about it, the system isn't made for that. You know, people need help. People need resources.

They need real treatment and access to mental health resources when they're in there. You don't have that. So you go in to prison, not knowing what to expect, afraid, like, are people going to come at me? Are they going to try to hurt me? All of the above. And then you feel like crap also coming off of these drugs on supervised. Like, I had a seizure. I remember going down to medical and literally faking feeling better because I had teeth fall out of my mouth.

I mean, that methadone detox was no joke. And it was, it was miserable. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was restless. It was just, it was awful, but I knew that I would survive. And what was different this time going in was like me literally changing my mentality before I would go in and honestly, like I said, I was living to die. I would, I know how awful it sounds, but I would pray like, God, please just take me. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. And this time I went in praying like, God, please just get me through to tomorrow. Please just get me to the next day. Please just get me to the end of this. And opening that Bible

and really like applying it to my life and believing in myself for once because people were telling me, you've got to do this for you, not for anyone else. But I didn't care about myself. I cared about others. And I always have. you know, regardless of what I've been doing, what I did wrong, crimes I committed. So I initially did it to not hurt my family. And as I prayed and as I grew stronger, I started doing it for me. And I started to actually see some value in myself and treat myself like a worthy person. So, yeah, having this support of women in there, it really helped too.

because unlike other places where people would talk crap to you, you know, you're a junkie, shut the hell up, you're disturbing my sleep. And I'd be like, sorry as I'm throwing up, you know. It was different this time. And like this girl, Tiffany, got me moving. Like, let's go to the gym. Let's walk around. Let's play volleyball. And at first I was so annoyed.

I was like, oh, my God, I can't do that. I hate that I'm doing this right now. but it was the intention, right? And I had a feeling I was going to be transferred to Dambury because I requested it in court. I said, you know, your honor, if you could just, I would like to stay close to my family. If you could send me to Danbury. He was like, I don't see why not. I'll put it in, but it's ultimately up to the BOP.

And I did not go to Danbury. I drove in the van to Danbury to drop off some girls. Then we drove to the airport. So once I got to Oklahoma, it was okay. I started to, you know, as I sobered up, I started to feel better, connect with people. You know, there's always some women that try to come at you, but you've got to have your own back. And I think that once I started building up my confidence more, I had that little edge to be able to fight back a little. You know, so Oklahoma wasn't too, too bad.

I was still restless. The food sucked. The water was disgusting. I mean, they would tell me, drink water, drink water. I'm like, the water is brown and it smells. Like, I'm not drinking that. And it was baloney almost every day. It was awful.

Yeah, when you're in transit, all they're giving you is those baloney sandwiches for the most part. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But I met some interesting characters out there. Saw some crazy fights. I actually became friends with the people that people would tell me, like, you know, stay away from them. She's got bad mental health. But something would always draw me in. So like in Philadelphia, I spent my first three weeks in the shoe.

And this was during COVID. And they told us, you can't drop to Gen Pop unless you get the COVID shot. And I'm like, I don't want to get that. You know, I heard bad things about it. There's no research done on it. meanwhile I was just shooting dope every day right anyway I was like whatever I got to get out of here I had a terrible time with my bunky

she ended up she was trying to like intimidate me and she grabbed my hair and like twirled it around her finger and I was like I need to hit her now I hit her but we were in SAG we were in the shoe so she was like just as shocked as I was and I go back to my bunk and I sit on it and I pretend like I'm reading the only book in our cell. And she goes and slams on the door and she starts screaming. And I'm just like, I don't know what's going on with this girl.

And the guards came up and they were like, everything okay. And she goes, no, it's not okay. You got to get me or her out of here. They were like, yeah, tough luck kid. And it was all male guards. So at FDC Philadelphia, we didn't even have full outfits. We were wearing just dirty t-shirts and underwear because the jumpsuits that they gave us were completely tattered. They were torn.

You couldn't wear them. And mind you, it's all male guards. So you're trying to like find a way to cover yourself up. And you can't. You can't. The shower would work sometimes. It's 24-hour lockdown in there. And for three weeks.

Plus, you can only make a phone call in there every 15 days. And it's not on the 15th day. It's after the 15th day. So when we dropped to Gem Pop, I mean, the other girls in the shoe had heard what was going on. So, you know, they kind of like, you know, we were cool with each other. They were like, okay, like, you know, you're good. I was actually in the shoe in Philly, too. Yeah?

How long were you there? Like six weeks during the hurricane in Puerto Rico, I got stuck there and I was in the shoe. So it was terrible. But there's a shower in those shoes. Yes. But they don't give you any, like it's either the jumpsuit or you're literally, there's no shorts or anything. Nothing. You're either in the jumpsuit or you're in boxers and a T-shirt.

Yep. It's so weird. And we didn't even have, I would have been happy with boxers. We just had the briefs and I was like, oh my God. And our shower didn't always work. So sometimes we could shower, sometimes we wouldn't. And there's no like hot and cold water. It's just the button.

No. Exactly. Terrible. Exactly. And I'm like, I just punched this girl in the face. She could kill me in the shower, you know. Tell us about one of those. crazy fights that you witnessed.

Oh, my gosh. So in Philly, just the girls would go at it. I mean, grabbing each other's heads and slamming it against the cement walls or the floor. Oh, my gosh. And we had the mouse traps. I will never forget this. We had the sticky mouse traps. So the girls used to sit and watch the mice die slowly, which was weird as hell.

one of the girls grabbed a mouse trap with a dying mouse on it and put it on another girl's face oh my God it's like you wanted to watch but I couldn't I was like cringing

what would they fight over a lot of girls in there did like K2 or Suboxin so they would fight over money commissary the K2

like oh you still owe me for this there was one girl that was constantly getting beat up and sent to the shoe. But you know, at FDC Philadelphia, you were required to work or do something or you would get sent to the shoe for that too. So some girls just took up permanent residence in the shoe. Do you feel like the 10 months went by quick or slow?

And you weren't getting any good time or anything, right? You had to do every day of those 10 months? Yeah, I did. I guess a good aspect is you were done after that. Yeah. In the beginning, it went by agonizingly slow. like painfully slow but I also wasn't sleeping so I was kicking my addiction fully and I felt like complete crap once I got out of Oklahoma I started sleeping a little bit better um they were also like

trying to give me meds and playing around with that so that was that was causing me an intense like head pain a lot of side effects from that I was just getting sick and I was like you know what I don't want any medication because whatever you guys are giving me, I don't know what it is. I can't Google it and it's making me feel worse. So, and just the way they treated mental health in general. I mentioned earlier, you know, some girls would be like stay away from her. I made a really close friendship with this girl, Ashley in Philadelphia. I don't know where she is right now, but she suffered from schizophrenia, and a lot of the women there would either dismiss her or ignore her, but there were few that would actually try to protect her and take care of her.

And she had such a good heart. She was just such a sweet girl that due to growing up in a bad environment, you know, her mom was on drugs. She had sold her when she was young, and she was very drug addicted herself. She succumbed to those circumstances and she was in the system for a long time. And she had been to mental hospitals. She told me she had been to different county jails, federal prison. And that's because she was from Philly and she acted out at Liberty Park against one of those park officers, park rangers. So she tried to fight a park ranger and ended up in the feds.

but she she was always crying out for help um she would sometimes like strip naked and go to the top tier and threaten to jump off the rafter and you know we would try to calm her down and get her to relax and they would lock her in her cell she'd take a razor and start like cutting herself and you know we would tell the COs like you got to go look out for Ashley I remember one CEO as she was cutting herself maced her in her cell and I'm like dude what are you doing she's got open wounds like she's going to get infected you got to get her out of there she can't breathe you know she's not a harm to anyone else but herself and yeah she would talk crap to some of the other women you know she would go at them but we all knew that was Ashley being Ashley um it was such a disservice to her it was really sad to see and

you know I had a real soft spot in my heart for her and I still do to this day. But there's so much that needs to be done for not just the women in there, for people in general. I mean, there are no services. Like, I told you, you know, I broke a tooth when I fell and had a seizure. So that, that tooth was like sharp. I broke another one in Oklahoma. That's the one that was sharp in Philly. And I'm like, this is literally like, my cheek is bleeding on the inside every day. Like, they have medical resources, but they don't want to take you. They don't want to help you. They don't want to take care of you. You're lucky if you get ibuprofen. That's not on commissary, right?

So. Yeah, you go to medical. They say order it on commissary. Exactly. And those aren't even that strong. Exactly. The excitement of moving is real, but so is the complexity. After all, moving isn't about cutting corners. It's about doing things right. That's where United Van Lines, America's number one mover comes in. United specializes in full service moves that take care of everything, professionally, precisely, and with no surprises.

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By the time I caught up to me in Philly, I was like, you know what, whatever. What do you think is more effective, rehab or prison for beating a drug addiction? honestly for me it was prison and that's just because I was stripped away of every everything I had access to I mean God knew that my addiction was that bad that's what I needed and it was just the right amount of time for me to kick it and change my mentality I mean I could have come home and started using again but after everything I went through, I felt like this, I was finally looking at life differently. You know, I finally saw a future for myself. I started feeling good about myself in prison.

You know, when you don't have all of the appearance, all the fancy clothes, designer stuff, and titles in front of your name, you're just like everyone else, right? Regardless of your crime, you're in the same place. We all ended up here for a reason. And I started tutoring women, like a lot of the ICE women that didn't speak English, that had homework to do for like getting their kids back or GED. I started helping them with translating. I worked. So I had two jobs in there. I was cleaning the showers.

And I was handing out the trays in the morning. So I was the first one out and the last one in. And I just said this quote to one of my colleagues yesterday. the way you do anything is the way you do everything. And when I was cleaning those showers, I was so intentional because, you know, I came down from the shoe. They asked me if I wanted to do it. And I'm like, sure. And automatically, like, women were like, you better clean the crap out of those showers.

You better clean the showers. And some women would mess with me. They would leave disgusting, disgusting things in the showers. not to mention it was a high rise so when the girls would be fishing in the toilet we would get that septic overflow so i'd be there plunging crap out of the showers but i was fully intentional like these are going to be the cleanest showers you guys have and you're going to miss me when i'm gone and they sure did before i left i remember like the same woman that was giving me crap in the beginning was like mary you better train that girl right to clean the showers

They're not sparkling. So, you know, it gave me more purpose, and it made me look forward to what I would do when I came home. How have you been able to rebuild your life after prison? Wow. In many ways, and I still have a lot to go. I hit the ground running. I reconnected with a nonprofit that I was volunteering and working with before I was violated. and this nonprofit organization was all about women against mass incarceration.

It was about empowering women who have been through the system, teaching them how to rebuild their lives and move forward. So once I started working there, I was basically helping them build out programs, you know, operate the nonprofit essentially by myself sometimes. And it gave me more purpose. I was working with women in the halfway houses. women who were writing me from prison, guiding them on what they should do, connecting them to resources and services, all of the things that I wasn't privy to when I was going through it. So at some point, even when I was in prison, those words that the prosecutor said sat with me, that they had exhausted all of their resources trying to help me.

now working in this field knowing how many resources there are like you really didn't do anything for me you know and it's not on them you know i take full responsibility for everything i went through all the harm i perpetuated to my community but i also know how many people feel worthless and are told that they're hopeless and will never change and believe that so when when you get into that way of thinking, you're going down that spiral. Instead of lifting yourself up, it's like the way you talk to yourself and the things you tell yourself matter and the people you surround yourself with matter too. So if you just have one person like me or you, Ian, telling people you can pull through this, you can turn your life around, look at us. You know,

we're inspiring. We're motivating people just by being ourselves, right? Have you been able to make amends with your parents? Yeah. As much as I can, right? I think a part of them will never forget, obviously, what I went through and forgive me for certain things. But I stopped trying to prove to everyone that I was worthy. And I just started living my life and proving to myself that I'm worthy. And slowly, but surely, that trust has rebuilt. You know, my sister is now my best friend. So. What's one piece of advice you wish you could give your teenage self? I mean, I was such a broken girl.

I felt like I had everything around me, but nothing inside me in a way. I would tell her that she's worthy and that she should persevere and find her way and love herself above everyone else. Mary, thanks for coming on the show today. Thank you, Ian. You did so good, and to think you thought you were going to be nervous and clam up. I still think I kind of did it. No, you did great. You were a natural.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Sorry if I talked forever. Oh, you did really good. Thank you.