Locked In with Ian Bick - I Tried to Burn Down Her Ex’s House — It Sent Me to Prison | Troy Maloney

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Starting point is 00:00:21 New vehicle discount. Storage discount. How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usa.com slash auto discounts. Restrictions apply. This episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking, maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin, saving homes without expecting to get them. But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing.

Starting point is 00:00:45 It's built to help you find and own a home. With agents who close twice as many deals, when you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started at Redfin.com. Own the dream. I drive around. look like anyone was home, but then again, it was two in the morning, three in the morning. Go to a gas station, buy a gas can with my deba-cote. Fill it up with gas. Go back to his house. Leave a trail from his porch to the sidewalk. Light it. Watch it go. Troy Maloney grew up in Massachusetts

Starting point is 00:01:16 with crime in his blood. His grandfather was a known mobster. From juvenile detention to years bouncing in and out of county jail, Troy's life spiraled until one decision changed everything. He was arrested for trying to burn down his girlfriend's ex's house. That arson charge sent him to state prison, but the real battle began when he got out. Today, Troy opens up about the scars of his past, the weight of generational crime, and the struggle to break free. Troy, welcome to Lockton, man, straight from New Hampshire, right, today? Thanks so much for driving up and I appreciate you sitting down with me. Absolutely. And thanks for being a listener of the show. I know you, You watch some of the episodes and you're friends with Johnny Bart and Bean Shooter, who are both guests on the show.

Starting point is 00:02:08 I like what you do. Thanks, man. I like spreading awareness. Are you originally from Boston? Yeah, I'm from East Boston. You got that Boston accent that everyone loves. Yeah. There's no better accent than a Boston accent.

Starting point is 00:02:21 I don't know about that. I don't know. I think everyone loves the Boston accent, you know? Yeah. I feel like it adds like some authority to the storyteller. Yeah, it definitely does. Where in Boston did you grow up or where in Massachusetts? I grew up on Barnes Ave in East Boston

Starting point is 00:02:38 and then moved to Winthrop when I was like 10 I went to school in Winthrop But I was always in East Boston hanging out with my friends And my grandparents and stuff What was your upbringing like? It was good and bad I mean I was spoiled by my grandparents

Starting point is 00:03:07 parents and my parents were together until I was like 15 um but when I wasn't with my grandparents I went through a lot of stuff with like my dad he was really abusive um to me and my brothers I have an older brother Ryan and a younger brother Tyler he had a bad drinking problem my dad and he used to just take it out on us and I got the brunt of it I was the middle child my older brother he didn't really mess with as much but um couple near death experiences from it um a lot of trauma a lot of bullshit but when he wasn't drinking he was a good dad so i mean that accounted for something i guess but I was molested by one of his brothers for a few years

Starting point is 00:04:11 and I didn't really talk about it and I tried to tell him he didn't listen to me or he'd say oh uncle would never do that or whatever and kind of fucked me up I thought it was like normal I guess you could say but other than that my upbringing wasn't bad I mean, I was confused on who I was as I got older,

Starting point is 00:04:39 and I always wanted to be like somebody else. Like, my grandfather was, like, this, like, big wig, like, Italian guy. Like, my family owns a big funeral home in Revere, and they had one in East Boston, and he sold it, and he was involved with the mob and stuff, and I, like, I was around a lot, a lot of stuff. Like, I could tell you some stories that I remember from when I was younger, and it was crazy.

Starting point is 00:05:05 How did it make you feel that your dad didn't hear you on what happened to you? Didn't acknowledge it. At the time I was young, so I really just like, I don't know, I kind of guess I brushed it off. But like, I think from the time I told him to when I was like 16, when I tried to talk to him again about it, I like kind of, it didn't. bother me or I thought it didn't bother me, but like internally, like in my brain it was, but like I wasn't like showing it. I think it screwed me up that like I couldn't, like you're supposed to be able to trust your parents, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:05:53 And my dad was like my best friend. Like I, even though all the bullshit he put me through and like the abuse and stuff, like, I took his side over my mother's like all the time and I regret it now, but I, couldn't imagine him, like, not believe in me, you know what I mean? Why do you think you took his side over your mother's? I honestly don't know. And I try to... I try to think about, like, why, but, like, I could never come to an answer.

Starting point is 00:06:29 So it was just... I don't know what confuses me. I think it was because, like, I saw him as... Not, like, an authority figure, but, like, he was fun. Like, when he was sober, like, he wasn't like... And I didn't really know the difference. Like, I would just think, like, oh... I mean, 90% of the time when I got my ass kicked,

Starting point is 00:06:56 like, I deserved probably a smack or something like that, but, like, not, like, close fist punches and stuff. But when I was a kid, I didn't know any better. So I was like, oh, I fucking stole money from him, or whatever the case may have been that I did wrong, or I got suspended from school or something. Like, I didn't think... I thought everyone...

Starting point is 00:07:16 went through that at home. And, I mean, a lot of kids that I grew up with did, but, like, not, like, how me and my brothers did. Were your brothers and you close because of how your dad was treating you? Or did that push you guys apart? So, I was really, like, intrigued by my older brother. Like, I was really close to my older brother,

Starting point is 00:07:40 but my younger brother and me, she had a room. So, like, we were boys. like, me and my younger brother beat the crap out of each other. But, like, I think we were at one point close, but, like, I always, like, floated towards, like, my older brother because he was always, like, he was popular, and, like, everybody liked him, and he always had girls around him and stuff.

Starting point is 00:08:05 So, like, when I became a teenager, like, I would always go out and hang out with him, and, like, everyone was like, oh, it's Little Maloney's brother. You know what I mean? So it's like, I don't know. I'd say we were close. How was school for you? High school.

Starting point is 00:08:28 High school's like a blur. I was good freshman and sophomore year. And then as I started getting older and like hanging out with like older kids, I think that's when I started getting like troubled. Because I dropped out of school in 11th grade. the summer going into senior year. And, um, I don't know, I started drinking a lot. I never really like messed with drugs.

Starting point is 00:09:02 Like I, I tried stuff, but like, I had, I ended up having a bad drinking problem at a young age that I didn't really like acknowledge until I was older. But, I mean, I wasn't really like bullied because of my older brother. But, like, I had issues. Like, I got in fights all the time just because sometimes. And, I mean, winter's a small town, so it's, like, everyone kind of gets along. And if, like, you don't, like, there's something wrong with you. Like, we would all talk shit to each other, like, me and all my buddies. Like, I had to set a group of friends that I stuck with a lot.

Starting point is 00:09:51 Just, like, four or five of them. throughout like middle school to high school and like I'd bounce around from like different clicks I guess you could say but I don't know high school wasn't that bad for me I mean I think I was pretty smart I just was thinking about what to do after school

Starting point is 00:10:13 while I was in school before we jump more into today's episode I need your help if you're watching on YouTube make sure to like comment and subscribe let me know your thoughts in the comments and great news you can now comment on Spotify episodes too, so drop a comment and a review and let me know what you think of the episode. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, a rating and a review goes a long way in helping us grow. Also, quick shout out to Shady Rays.

Starting point is 00:10:42 They are giving out their best deal of the season exclusively for Locked in listeners. Head to ShadyRays.com and use code locked in to get 35% off polarized sunglasses. We will talk more about them later in this episode. Where did you envision your life going? When I was in high school? Yeah. Not where I am now. I thought, honestly, I wanted to be a firefighter, which is funny and ironic.

Starting point is 00:11:15 But I don't know, my grandfather always wanted me to take over the funeral home and, like, go to school and stuff. like do all that like family stuff and i thought it was cool because like i was always thinking about money like money was a big thing to me when i was a kid like because my grandfather had so much of it like and i always got what i wanted so i just i always wanted to do something that would give me a lot of money and i think that's kind of how i didn't really know besides the firefighter thing like i didn't take that like serious but i guess i didn't like think for my myself when it came to like I was always like thinking in my head oh well Papa wants me to do this so maybe that's what I want to do like you know I was trying to convince myself like what other people

Starting point is 00:12:13 wanted me to be or do and then I ended up doing that the rest of my life why did you look up to your grandfather so much I think the image he portrayed like people feared him people respected him people just like everywhere he went like he had friends like everywhere like we'd go out to eat and stuff like in the north end or in boston or revere east boston and like we would never pay for dinner like it was i don't know it was it was a power thing i liked like the attention that he got and that I got when I was with him. Do you think it gave you the wrong perception of how life is supposed to be? Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:13:11 Absolutely. Thinking about it now, yeah. Then I didn't. But I think it's a big reason as to why, like, I went down the road I went down. Because it's, I acted on impulse instead of, like, thinking about stuff before I did it. I still do it sometimes. But I think that was the biggest, like, hurdle I had was, like, my own brain. Like, is this right or is it wrong?

Starting point is 00:13:49 And sometimes if I knew it was wrong, I would convince myself that it was right. So, like, yeah, I mean, that's... My grandfather was my world in my eyes. Like, he still is. Like, he passed away in 2018, and I was away. and I don't know, I never saw the bad that everyone talked. You know what I mean? What were some of those bad things people were saying about?

Starting point is 00:14:25 Like, one of my aunts told me that, like, he used to hit my grandmother and stuff, and, like, he was, like, a pig, and he was snobby and only cared about money. and I like I never I don't know I never I never I never saw it so I guess I couldn't believe it but then again I did see it like I never seen him hit my grandmother but I like I saw him like how he was with money and stuff but like I was a kid so I was like even when I got older like I didn't really my whole mindset was like based off of how my papa lived his life and like that's what I was like that's what I was. I wanted to be. Do you think he wanted that lifestyle for you? Absolutely not. He used to tell me all the time. Stay in school.

Starting point is 00:15:26 Stay out of trouble. You know what I mean? Like he would, he tried to do everything he could verbally to keep me on like a straight and narrow path. And I just chose not to listen, I guess. I mean, and I screwed him over. big when I got older I stole

Starting point is 00:15:53 like $100,000 from him for no reason like I just because I had access to it not all at once like over time but like he started noticing and he like cut me off and I was working at the funeral home

Starting point is 00:16:11 like doing wakes and like stuff like that and cleaning the cars and did the landscaping and um he had He had like a tractor, like loader type thing, and he taught me how to, like, run it. And then his friends owned companies, and, like, they taught me how to, like, run machines and stuff.

Starting point is 00:16:31 And I just was like, oh, he would never, like, care. Like, you know what I mean? But in the end, he did. Like, so why didn't you just ask me? You know what I'm saying? What were some of the things you grew up witnessing seeing being around him? Jesus. Well, he's dead.

Starting point is 00:16:51 I guess we can talk about this. So from like when I was really little, I used to always sit on his lap in the flower car because he drove the lead car in the funeral procession. And we used to go to, I don't remember the name of the cemetery, but it was in Roxbury. We used to go there.

Starting point is 00:17:11 Now that I think about it, it's odd. But like when I was a kid, I thought we were just like burying somebody. But we used to go to the cemetery in Roxbury. It's huge. every month like twice or three times a month and it was always the same

Starting point is 00:17:29 group of people that are in the funeral procession like a full-blown funeral is what it was supposed to look like and it wasn't and they would be like like one time I was like 11 or 12 and I don't even know how I remember this

Starting point is 00:17:50 but we like did like the service and the funeral home and when I was younger then like when I was like before my teenage years like I would hang around my grandfather like I was next to him all the time and as I got older like I'd roam around the funeral home and stuff but like I'll never forget when we put the casket in the back of the hearse leaving the funeral home there was like a tag almost like sticking out of the thing and I'm like was confused at what it was and And when I asked him, he was like, oh, you don't have to worry about it.

Starting point is 00:18:30 It's just the, we forgot to take the toe tag off the body. So I was like, what? And when we got to the cemetery, like a normal funeral, like you put the casket in the ground and they lower it and stuff. And that didn't happen. The casket didn't go on the ground. It went into another car. So I was like, what the hell? Like, I was confused, but like I didn't like, I was still young.

Starting point is 00:18:51 I mean, 11, 12 years old. You don't really like, you're not worried about if the casket's getting buried. You know what I mean? And then the next time it happened, I noticed that there wasn't a body in the casket. It was all money. And to this day, I still don't know, like, who he was bringing it for or whatever, like, the case may be, but it was definitely illegal. Because the other car that it would go into would be, like, a blacked out, like, van. And there would be two guys that definitely don't look like funeral procession guys

Starting point is 00:19:28 that like would normally work at a funeral home. So was the funeral business like his front business? It had to be up until a certain point. But like he was friends with like this guy Nini. He passed away. But the frizzy brothers in East Boston and they like they were leg breakers for the Italian mob in the north end. And he was like best friends with. one of the brothers, Nini.

Starting point is 00:19:56 Like, he was like my other grandfather. Literally was with my papa every day. He used to meet us for breakfast in the morning at dawn is up the heights before we'd go to the funeral home. And, like, just like the way he, like talked and moved. And they both always had gold on. And, like, it was, I don't know, it was everyone used to always say, like, oh, you'd never fuck with Nini. Meanwhile, this guy's like 70 years old when I'm like 13, 14. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:20:28 Like, it's, he's not young. But, like, he was just, like, scary looking. Like, even at his old age, like, you know what I mean? Like, when somebody would say, oh, don't mess with Nini, like, I'd be like, yeah, don't mess with Nini. And I remember Nini would be upstairs. It'd be like the end of the day and him and my grandfather would be talking and, he'd say hey sweet my grandfather used to call me sweet pee and then he did too and he would say hey sweet you go down to my car and get the bag out of the trunk and give it to your grandfather and I'd be like sure

Starting point is 00:21:09 and I'd go downstairs sometimes it would literally be like like a market basket bag like a grocery bag with a bunch of crumpled up newspaper inside of it and I was like what the fuck but it was wrapped like it was weird but it was money

Starting point is 00:21:31 that was just like covered like I never went through the bag so it was just I don't know it was weird but I thought it was cool too did your friends think that kind of lifestyle was cool like the mob crime type of lifestyle

Starting point is 00:21:48 or did you feel like you were the odd one out? I was definitely the odd one out. Like, I didn't even talk to my friends about my grandfather. I was, like, two different people. Like, even when I was with my family, like, as I got older, I was at the funeral home all the time. And when I, I think I was, like, 20. And I used to take my grandfather's caddy

Starting point is 00:22:17 and, like, drive around, like, Like, go see my friends and stuff. And I started knowing, like, what he did. Because it, like, stopped by then, like, when I was older. Like, he didn't really do, like, any, like, weird. What normal people would think was weird. Like, you know what I mean? So, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:22:45 I really don't know. Summer is finally here, and I've been taking full advantage, hitting the beach, going on hikes, and getting outside. every chance I get, whether I'm grilling with friends or taking a long walk with a podcast in my ears, I'm rocking my Shady Rays. They're not just stylish. They actually make those sunny days feel even better. Big thanks to ShadyRays for supporting Locked In. You could go to ShadyRays dot com and use code locked in for 35% off polarized sunglasses. Shady Rays is an independent sunglasses company that's seriously leveling up the game. They've got a huge selection of

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Starting point is 00:24:05 and they've held up like a champ. They are my go-to pair for the summer. Exclusively for my listeners, Shady Raise is giving out their best deal for the season. Head to ShadyRays.com and use code locked in for 35% off polarized sunglasses. Try for yourself the shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people. Now let's get back into today's episode. Did you get into any trouble at all in high school, legal trouble? Or would that come later?

Starting point is 00:24:34 Yeah. I went to Juvie for selling this kid a sleeping pill for a piece of gum. I think I was in 10th grade. I did like two months or something in Juvenile Hall. Seems a little bit harsh for your first offense. It was, I don't think I went, I don't really remember, but I'm pretty sure that I got put on probation, or I know I got put on probation, and then I kept violating.

Starting point is 00:25:06 And then they were just like, all right, like, you're going to go to juvenile hall. So that's where I went to Spectrum in Boston. What was that experience like? Honestly, it wasn't shell shocking. Like, it didn't scare me. The first night did. Like, I was crying.

Starting point is 00:25:27 Like, I was a little bitch. Like, I was, like, didn't want to be there. You know what I mean? But, like, I don't know. You were out all day. You got to order out from restaurants on Friday for, like, food. And, like, the food wasn't bad. And the staff members were, like, pretty chill.

Starting point is 00:25:45 I remember this dude Omar. He used to drive up. Because I loved car. I had, like, a thing with cars and, like, trucks still do since I was little. and he used to drive a I think it was like a 64 or 65 Impala with hydraulics and like Dayton's and shit it was sick

Starting point is 00:26:03 and he used to park under the window where my cell was and I'd always talk to him and boat his car and I don't know it wasn't like I think that's what led to everything else in my life because I wasn't scared to go to like jail

Starting point is 00:26:21 you know what I mean Going to Juven Juvi that first time made you feel cooler, like more confident. Yeah, absolutely. I was the only kid in my high school that went to Juvi. In my grade, like, area. Like, everyone in my grade and above, like, no one was ever, like, incarcerated before. Did those kids outcast you for that, or did they look up to you? Some outcasted me, but, like, my close friends, like, I wouldn't say they looked up to me,

Starting point is 00:26:52 but like my close friends like we stayed friends but like I definitely acted like I was like some tough shit like after how did your grandfather react he was pissed he was really pissed actually he hated it he anytime I'd get in trouble like I got suspended from school a handful of times and every time I got suspended like he would scream at me and read me the riot act and When I dropped out of school, that was like the biggest, like, he was, he didn't talk to me for like three months. Why did you decide to drop out? My parents were getting divorced, and I was just, my older brother dropped out. And I just, I don't know, I didn't, I didn't like the school I was in.

Starting point is 00:27:43 I didn't like the kids. Like, my friends were fine, but, like, there was a bunch of kids from Winthrop that, like, they were all clowns. I just didn't like, I didn't like being around any of them, and I saw them every day at school. How big of an effect do you think, looking back on it now, that your upbringing had on the way your life turned out? Huge. Monstrous. It's, if I was brought up any differently, like literally anything, like, forced to stay in school or had to wake up on the other side of my bed every day. I probably would have had a different outcome in life. Do you think there's someone to blame and hold accountable for that? Or do you think that person to you?

Starting point is 00:28:38 I used to blame everybody, but I take accountability for it. I think that, like, I used to blame my dad. I used to blame my mom. But, like, I think that those, the stuff that happened to me definitely, like, instigated what happened, what I started to do as I got older. But like ultimately, like, no one forced me to, like, get in trouble or get arrested. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:29:08 So I take full accountability for it. But, like, it fucks with me today. So it's like, I don't know. I blame myself. But I wish I'd blamed myself sooner. Tell us what happened in your life after you dropped out of high school. So I was still living with my mom. My relationship with my grandfather was like,

Starting point is 00:29:38 on thin ice. I started hanging around older kids. I used to hang out on the north end a lot. Started drinking a lot more. Started taking pills when I was drinking, like Xanax and stuff. Klonopins. Just drank a lot.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Started hanging out with kids in East Boston that I knew when I was younger. And like they were always like drinking and shit and smoking weed. and sniffing coke. So, like, I tried to be cool. Like, I didn't really like the Coke pot, but, like, I started smoking weed and stuff,

Starting point is 00:30:22 but it used to get me wicked paranoid. And then I started getting into fights, like, this one night, we were shit-faced. We were down Maverick Station and East Boston, completely different now than what it was then. And there was this kid walking across the street and he was stupe.

Starting point is 00:30:47 talking shit to one of the kids that I was with. And I don't even remember what happened or how it happened, but all I do remember is picking up a brick and humming it across the street and hitting him in the head with it. And, like, I laugh now, but, like, it was fucked up. Like, I don't even remember why it happened. And didn't get arrested, but I got a reigned. I got a summons to go to court.

Starting point is 00:31:19 And then my grandfather made it go away. And then from that point on, that's what triggered the rest of my series of events was I thought I could get away with everything. And for a while I did, like a lot of shit. Like shit I should still be in prison for. And, oh, that's crazy. I never thought of that. How big of an effect did drugs and alcohol have on you? I know you said you were huge.

Starting point is 00:31:57 You were big drinker, you were using some drugs. Huge. But in your decision making. If I was, if I wasn't drinking, I wouldn't want to, like, be out and about. Like, I wanted to be with a girl every time I wasn't drinking. Like, chilling in a house somewhere. Second I started drinking, specifically whiskey, it was like, I was a completely different person. uh it was literally night and day the stuff i would do drunk i wouldn't even contemplate doing sober

Starting point is 00:32:36 which is fucked up for anybody that has problems you know what i mean so it's i used to always like belittle like drug addicts and stuff like i just be oh fucking junkie blah blah you know what i mean but like alcohol sometimes is worse than serious drugs like the effects from it and now I look back at that and I'm like, damn, like, that person was struggling with the same thing I was struggling with, just a different demon. So it's like, it's opened my eyes to a lot of stuff, but a lot of stuff hasn't opened my eyes. Like, I used to use people. Like, if I was your friend, I was gaining something out of being your friend. I was

Starting point is 00:33:30 never friends with except like my childhood friends like new friends that I met I would never befriend them unless I saw that I could benefit from it in some way it could be literally anything if it made me look cool if it if they had money

Starting point is 00:33:53 if literally anything it could be the smallest thing or the biggest thing and I did that towards women too like I saw so when my parents got divorced my dad

Starting point is 00:34:11 ended up with this lady Marie fucking psychopath um but she was like his karma because she was crazier than my dad and

Starting point is 00:34:29 I thought it was hilarious but I saw how my dad was with her and at this point through everything like I'm still pretty close to my dad like I saw him all the time when they first got separated and he like

Starting point is 00:34:44 he would stop drinking for a couple months and then start drinking again and then I wouldn't see him or whatever but when he wasn't drinking I'd be with him all the time and like I would see like oh she's paying all his fucking bills like she's doing this he's driving around in a nice car

Starting point is 00:35:00 my dad didn't have his license So I was like He lost it He worked for UPS for a long time And then I don't remember how he lost it But Um I started doing that

Starting point is 00:35:15 Finding girls with money And using them And don't get me wrong A lot of them like I literally like Would catch feelings for I mean how can you not You hang out with somebody every single day Could be somebody you hated when you met

Starting point is 00:35:28 You're gonna have some type of feeling for them that's emotional and like loving or caring like so I'd get stuck in that way and then I'd get in trouble um I'd go to jail for like a solid battery or something or and the girl would be there so then I'd be like oh like I love you you know what I mean like that whole game that's literally a game but it's disgusting and I just kept doing that, like, time and time again, but I started drinking it. Like, I'd get comfortable, and I'd start drinking. And then it was just like always downhill.

Starting point is 00:36:24 The older I got, the worst, not the crimes, well, I guess the crimes, but the older I got, the worse my personality got, I guess. Where do you think that your anger stem from? My childhood. Still to this day. I just started going back to therapy the other day. That was the other thing, not to get sidetracked, but like growing up, I was always in and out of therapy. And whenever I was in therapy, even like as a young adult, I would notice I wouldn't drink as much.

Starting point is 00:37:08 Or I wouldn't think things would be better. but in my brain I never thought it was working you know what I mean so it was like like I was mind fucking myself like I was screwing with my own head and I mean they say like your worst enemy is yourself

Starting point is 00:37:32 and like I'm realizing that now at 34 and but my therapist said something the other day and she said she goes you believe you

Starting point is 00:37:50 healed from like your traumas as a kid but like in reality like I just got over them but my mind didn't like I didn't actually heal I just forgave and forgot but like in the back of my head it's it it's things that trigger me to this day that like I I can acknowledge now before when I was younger, like, you don't really know how to acknowledge stuff. You know what I mean? So I acknowledge it now and I'm working on it. But I don't know. When was the first time you had a serious arrest where you were looking at some serious time?

Starting point is 00:38:49 A probation violation. I was on probation for assault and battery with dangerous weapon. I think with my mom and my brother, my little brother. You attacked them? Well, me and my little brother were fighting. This was the first time I ever got arrested, like physically arrested. We were fighting. My mom was in the doorway or something, and one of us, I'm pretty sure it was me,

Starting point is 00:39:19 pushed the other, and my mom went through. Remember those old doors, wooden doors that had like 10 windows in them? with those they were like separated squares she went through one of those and then I I don't remember if it was me that had the bat one of us picked up a baseball bat and then my mother freaked out and I left

Starting point is 00:39:47 and she called the cops yeah and then they found me in like 20 minutes or a half hour or something and I got put on probation I had 18 months over my head I violated my probation a handful of times

Starting point is 00:40:12 Went in and out like 30 days Stuff like that Then I started doing okay I met this girl Who is no longer with us Her ex killed her Everyone thought I was gonna But it wasn't me

Starting point is 00:40:39 It's not funny because she was a really nice person But we were hanging out all the time I had gotten into a fight downtown Winthrop Center my jaw got wide shut and I don't know if you ever had your jaw wide shut

Starting point is 00:40:59 but it sucks and I was in pain all the time and I was like eating through a straw and she came over and told me that she cheated on me and I freaked out and I pretty I think I punched her in her thigh or her

Starting point is 00:41:14 vagina I forget and she got up to leave it was like this big ordeal she went got a restraining order on me and then that violated me again and we made up she tried to drop everything but my probation officer was like no he's going to jail anyways so I went back to four back and forth to court I was in Nashua street And I got sentenced to 18 months, but I only did, I think, nine months on it. And that's a state prison? No, no, no. That was in county.

Starting point is 00:41:57 That's a county jail. Yeah, that was the first time I ever had, like, was looking at more than a year. And that's in Massachusetts. Yeah. How old were you when that happened? I think I was 21. Yeah, I was 21 because I spent my 21st birthday in jail. that was almost close to me i had four months of being 21 before i went to prison every birthday until

Starting point is 00:42:24 the last three i've spent in jail or prison tell us about that first experience in a county jail in massachusetts at 21 years old again wasn't bad it wasn't it's fucked up it wasn't bad um the intake and like the thought of like fuck like this is like 18 months of my life sucked but like I knew everybody through my older brother like kids I was locked up with like and my dad was already in and out of jail so like he had been and I was Nashua street is like the pre-trial and then when you get sentenced you go to South Bay if you're in Suffolk County um

Starting point is 00:43:15 and at the time I was but my dad had already been in and out of there the only people in my family that have ever been to jail were my dad and me at the time um yeah i mean it wasn't it really wasn't bad like i i knew a ton of people that were in there through word of mouth or name you know what i mean and i was young i was a name dropper like if i knew somebody or like whatever

Starting point is 00:43:50 I would use that to my benefit, like I said, using people at some capacity. But it really wasn't bad. I mean, gotten out some fights and stuff, but like it wasn't what everyone always said it was. And what made it easier for me was when I first got, when I was waiting to get sentenced, like when they were like just holding me, I was in Nashville Street. And this kid that my brother used to hang out with, I don't know if you've heard of him, Mort Bezzie. He was awaiting trial to be sentenced, and I ended up on the same block as him. And I recognized him because I'd seen him with my brother before.

Starting point is 00:44:47 And I went up to him and I said, yo, I said, I'm Maloney's little brother. And like right there it was took me under his wing. Big Mawato kid He was big as shit too when he was there And he looked after me and nobody Fucked up me from that point forward And I'd work out and

Starting point is 00:45:07 Cause a ruckus I guess But I never like got into like drugs when I was in County that was something I never did Upstate I did Suboxin and stuff But we can talk about that after I have to be honest with you guys

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Starting point is 00:46:49 If your wallet's still from the dinosaur era, now's the time to upgrade. Now let's get back into today's episode. Did going to county jail give you ideas to commit more crimes? Absolutely. Why do you say that? Well, Suffolk County, specifically South Bay, is like anyone from Charlestown and Southeast, Boston, that's where they end up. And I met a group of guys that, well, I think all of them but one were the effibank robberies. One of them had already done a Fed bid.

Starting point is 00:47:22 for bank robbery. I think he did like 11 years or something. Who I can talk about later too, because it's a funny story. But I kind of clung to them because they were like, I noticed that they were the ones that got all the attention on the unit,

Starting point is 00:47:42 so like that's how I acted at that time. And today, you probably couldn't get away with it, but like the way they would tell me that like they were robbing banks. Basically, if they weren't drug addicts when they were robbing the banks, they probably would have got away with it. Today, no.

Starting point is 00:48:06 There's too much technology with cameras and stuff, but like, I don't know. I definitely, county jail definitely made me into a worse criminal. What happened after you got out of that first one? I didn't even try to like chill out. Started drinking again.

Starting point is 00:48:32 I was just doing shit bag shit. I don't really know how to explain it. A lot of it's like a blur. Like I tried to forget a bunch of stuff, but I just know I always got in trouble. I was in and out of county jail. I got the second time, I was in and out of county jail from 21 to when I caught my state bid.

Starting point is 00:48:59 And the only time I ever did like a stint, In County was I got a DUI in the haunt coming from a big Fourth of July party. I crashed into a parked cruiser that happened to be an undercover state trooper that was standing like not even a quarter mile down the street from his car watching fireworks. And I got put on probation because I went to the hospital and stuff and they just sent me a summons. I got put on probation for two years with six months suspended. It was my first DUI. And at the time, I don't think I had my license.

Starting point is 00:49:49 I think my license was suspended. And I did the probation for like two months, and then I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. At the time, I was dating my son's mother. And I was at, I stopped checking in with probation. I was at her school. She went to UMass, Dottmouth. I think I was on the bus going to her school. And I just got like this gut feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Starting point is 00:50:34 And I got off the bus. She picked me up. We went back to her dorm room. I'm like 20 minutes later. There was like 30 cops, like campus police and state police, outside of her window. And I was like, fuck, they're looking for me. I tried to hide. tub storage tub and i got arrested and i did the six months and that was the last time i like

Starting point is 00:51:06 was in jail before my state bid tell us about your state bid what happened with that how did you get arrested so fast forward to this girl i met always starts the girl always starts with the girl always Every single Every story in my life starts what I grow. Starts and ends with a female. It's crazy. Why do you think that is? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:51:33 I really don't know. Because my grandfather, I never saw him with another woman until I was older, but him and my grandmother had gotten divorced when they were 80. That makes sense, right? Spend 40 years together and just get divorced.

Starting point is 00:51:47 But I saw my dad with not multiple women, but like he left my mom and was with this other lady for a while. And then, like, maybe three or four other people. I honestly don't know. I don't know what it was. One that wasn't doing enough, so I got sick of them, and I had to find another one, I guess.

Starting point is 00:52:14 I can't even believe I just admitted that. So you're with this girl, what happens? So I'm with this girl, Lori. And she had an ex that was, like, a big drug dealer. And they were together for years. And he used to beat the shit out of her. And don't get me wrong. I mean, like, I've smacked the chick before.

Starting point is 00:52:45 And, like, obviously, like, I hit my ex when she told me she cheated on me. But, like, I don't condone, like, beating women at all, especially now that I have kids and a daughter. All I can remember is she had called me and said that. She wanted to meet me at Dunkin' Donuts. I was living in Lull at the time. Don't even understand how I ended up there. I go and meet her. I had a nice truck at this point.

Starting point is 00:53:23 And something was off. Like, I didn't get out of my truck. Something was off. And she was sitting in dunks. And I was like, what the fuck? And there was a group of guys sitting in the corner. And, like, they all, like, coffees and stuff. But she was just sitting there.

Starting point is 00:53:41 And then I texted. I was like, hey, I'm here, and she came out. And she came to my drive-aside, and I'm like, what are you doing? Get in. I'm like, you just told me to come pick you up. And in seconds, this kid tries to open my passenger door, and he gets it open. And I had a knife, like a big K-Bah. You know what a K-Bah is?

Starting point is 00:54:00 Yeah. I had it in my door, and I went to go grab it. And she tried to lock the door so I couldn't open it to get my hand down. and he grabbed me and I just fucking floored it She jumped off and I floored it He My door was wide open I went around the corner

Starting point is 00:54:21 Now this was in the middle of the winter Like there was ice on the ground in the parking lot I fished out of the parking lot And he fell and apparently I ran him over And broke all his ribs Got away Cops weren't called nothing after that

Starting point is 00:54:43 I like go and chill out she calls me she's like I'm sorry blah blah blah like he's threatening to kill me and all this other stuff so I'm like I'm a dumb ass because like I actually like had feelings for this girl I don't have any

Starting point is 00:54:58 fucking clue why to this day so I was like whatever so I was like I'll go to your mothers because he wasn't allowed there so I was like I'm good if I go there so I go there I tell her mother what happens Her father's there

Starting point is 00:55:15 Her father loved me We're talking Now I 100% was using this girl But like I started to really like her But it was all blind She was playing me too So it was like My calmer I guess

Starting point is 00:55:29 And My phone rings So I'm chilling She gets there Me and her argue a little bit We go upstairs Fuck my phone starts ringing

Starting point is 00:55:44 I'm like chilling I'm not irritated anymore so I don't answer it rings again didn't answer it third time I go to pick it up and I miss the call and I noticed I had two voicemails

Starting point is 00:55:56 I was like what the fuck is this first of all the number was blocked so I didn't know who the fuck was calling me I listened to the voicemail it's her ex threatening talking shit all this other stuff that was the first voicemail

Starting point is 00:56:09 the second voicemail I'm listening to it it. He starts talking about my mom and my kid, and it starts getting into threats. Like, I'm going to kill them. Like, all this other stuff. I'm going to fucking light them on fire. Hang up. I'm like, let's go. Like, we would drink. We drank a little bit, and then I started drinking a little more after I listened to the voicemail. Me and her were arguing about him, and it's just a back and forth thing. Her dad was like, uh, you don't deserve this Troy, like, blah, blah, and like she started crying, she didn't want me to leave.

Starting point is 00:56:47 It was all fucked up. So I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, I'm not even going to let it bother me. We sit down. My brain starts going. I look at her, I'm like, where's he live? She's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, where's day?

Starting point is 00:57:04 His name's Dave. Where does he live? She's like, in Haveril. Why? I'm like, what's his address? She won't tell me. So I'm like, all right, I leave. She gets in the car.

Starting point is 00:57:18 we start driving. I'm like, where's he live? So I start driving towards April. Where's he live? Where's he live? Where's he live? Where's he live? Where's he live? Finally, she's like, he lives on Hilldale Ave. So I'm like, all right. So I put in Hilldale Ave.

Starting point is 00:57:32 I get on Hilldale Ave. I'm like, what number? She's like, I'm not telling you that. I'm like, why would you tell me which street? So finally I get her to tell me what number. I drive around. Didn't look like anyone was home. But then again, it was.

Starting point is 00:57:50 two in the morning, three in the morning go to a gas station buy a gas can with my deba-card fill it up with gas go back to his house leave a trail from his porch mind you this is like a foot of snow on the ground from his porch to the sidewalk

Starting point is 00:58:11 light it, watch it go hits the porch I didn't notice it go out but I saw the the Matt catch on fire, got on the car left. Her brother was a cop. He still is a cop, I think,

Starting point is 00:58:27 and for one of the colleges in Boston, but the Boston those cops that work at, like, B.C. and stuff like that, they're like stateies, because they have jurisdiction all over Boston, because it's within however many feet of the school, and Boston is a school district, the whole thing.

Starting point is 00:58:47 Her brother calls her, like 5 in the morning 5.30 in the morning. We went back to her house. Yo, do you know somebody tried to burn Dave's house down? I'm laughing, but it's not funny. She's like, what? It's like plain stupid, obviously. So she hangs up. She's like, I'm asleep.

Starting point is 00:59:11 So now, of course, I texted the kid and threatened him before I did all this. I said, I'm burning your house down. There's pure evidence, right? Big time drug deal. You think, like, He's going to try and kill me, right? A couple hours go by. It's like 6.30, 7.30.

Starting point is 00:59:31 I start getting messages on my thing from his roommate. Yo, did you fucking try and burn my house down? Because he owned the house, but Dave lived with him. I'm like, what are you talking about, bro? I'm like, I don't even know you. So whatever. I'm like, we got to leave. We get in the car.

Starting point is 00:59:50 We started driving. My grandfather was in Florida at the time. And I called him, and I told him. and I told him I was in trouble. Now, mind you, I haven't spoken to him in like a year at this point. I told him I was in trouble. That's all I needed to hear. And he told me to come there.

Starting point is 01:00:05 So I'm like, all right, we're going on my grandfathers. Didn't tell him what I did. We stopped driving. Her phone's blowing up. Bro, Troy tried to kill Dave. Troy tried to kill Dave. Oh, all this other stuff. We shut our phones off.

Starting point is 01:00:26 That don't matter. They can still ping you. We're upstate New York somewhere In fucking Brum County Wherever the hell that is They had a ping The State Police Task Force It started getting really like

Starting point is 01:00:45 Sketchy on the road We went through a snow squall The highway was packed There was only two lanes Where we were I forget what highway we were on And then all of a sudden it was empty Like you

Starting point is 01:01:01 It went from snowing where you can't see and then it being empty on the road no cars, nothing. So I'm like paranoid as fuck. I'm like, we're gonna get pulled over like it's inevitable. I'm looking in the rearview mirrors.

Starting point is 01:01:17 I'm like, what the fuck, bro? There was this one car like lagging. We keep going, I start looking again. I seen a couple more cars. They were all like charges or like SUVs. So I'm like all right, we keep driving.

Starting point is 01:01:36 They start getting closer. Then they stagged on the highway. Like a full V formation on the highway. So I'm like, fuck. No lights, nothing. I'm like, we're going to get pulled over in like two minutes. She's like, how do you know? I'm like, do you not see those aren't plow trucks?

Starting point is 01:01:53 Like, they're cops. They're 100% those are cops. Unless some weird shit's going on. Lights come on. We get pulled over. They're fucking hopping. They don't even let me get out of the car for like 10 minutes. They're hopping over the Godrail, like fucking guns drawn, everything.

Starting point is 01:02:11 I'm like, what the fuck? Did I burn down the whole city? Like, what happened? Weren't even there for that. Her ex called an anonymous tip and said that I was holding her at gunpoint. Never had a gun. And that her life was in danger. So that's how they got the ping.

Starting point is 01:02:31 Because they couldn't prove it was me for the arson yet. So they got the ping through that because it was like a national safety thing and like in any circumstances then anyways. Like if somebody said someone had a gun, they were trying to kill somebody, they'll hold them hostage. They had access to do that. Like they'd call whoever they had a call, whatever. So I get out of the car. They have me crawl backwards on my knees. Her two.

Starting point is 01:02:58 They arrest both of us. We pull off to some gas station or something. And I'm like, why aren't we going to a police station? And the detective comes over, talks to her, talks to me. Doesn't say anything about the arson. So I'm like, this is fuck Gucci. We're straight. She's going to obviously say that I don't have a gun.

Starting point is 01:03:20 They search the car. There's no gun in the car. So, like, obviously, like, it was bullshit. She says, oh, it's my ex. He doesn't like him. Blah, whatever. They let her go. They're coming to uncuff me to let me out of the car.

Starting point is 01:03:32 No bullshit. Detective gets a phone call in front of me. And it's the mass state police with a warrant for my arrest for Austin. This was later on in the day. It took them a while to get the warrant. So I'm like, he's like, I got good news and I got bad news. He goes, I'm going to uncuff you, but I can't let you go. I'm like, what?

Starting point is 01:03:58 He's like, I guess it's like some interstate clause thing where they can hold you, but they can't place you under arrest until they have like, they can show you the warrant. And I'm like, are you serious? So I tell her to leave. I'm like, just leave. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. We're in the gas station.

Starting point is 01:04:21 Detective was super cool. We're just shooting the shit talking. I was talking shit about her ex. Didn't say anything about the arson. He just said, like, what's this? I'm like, I have no idea. I was like, this is crazy. Some guy comes, like, three hours later,

Starting point is 01:04:37 pulls up to the gas station, has the warrant. They, Mirandize. me cuff me bring me to the station they treated me like I was a fucking king like they were not mean at all like I wasn't even in a cell the whole time I was at the police station I was sitting at the desk

Starting point is 01:04:53 making phone calls telling people that I was arrested in fucking upstate New York in Broom County or wherever it was that was the good they held me in Broom County Jail or something like that it's like a state prison and a

Starting point is 01:05:07 county jail um stayed there for 29 days and 23 hours and they came and picked me up on the deadline like made me sweat it out I thought I was leaving because in New York

Starting point is 01:05:24 I went for the extradition hearing and the judge was like we gave them 30 days to come and get you if they don't get you on the 30th day by midnight we're releasing you so I was like they ain't fucking come to get me you kidding me nothing even happened

Starting point is 01:05:41 like in my head This is what I'm saying. 11, like 58. Troy, go to intake. Maloney, go to intake, whatever. So one of the guys is like, oh, you're out of here, kid. I was like, work.

Starting point is 01:05:57 You know what I mean? I'm thinking I'm walking out in the middle of fucking desert, New York. Like, we're at upstate New York and the fucking cat skills. Like, where am I going to go? There's two guys standing at the door.

Starting point is 01:06:11 One of them has a badge around his neck. And I get closer and it says, Hey, real police if I'm a detective. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me, bro? It's 1159. And they were like, yeah, you got to come with us. Come back. The detective, uh, Sean Sharnick, Irish name.

Starting point is 01:06:33 He's talking to me the whole fucking car ride. And he's like, dude, he's like, we literally will drop all charges against you. If you can tell us, we have. this kid Dave gets his product from because he was on their radar and on the DEA's radar for years and they could never catch him and he was like a small time dealer but like enough he was getting his shit from someone who was like big like I think it was coke and dope and shit so I'm like no I'm just gonna fight it I'm just gonna fight it so he stops asking me and then I start crying I'm thinking about my kid and

Starting point is 01:07:14 And we get back. They booked me in Middleton, Essex County. I waited six months, I think. I had my attorney. It was a fucking moron. Fast track. Now you can do the fast track. It's via sentencing and to plea out and stuff.

Starting point is 01:07:41 So the first time I went into court, they had text messages. Oh, oh, I left the gas can. at the house put my handprints on into the tag from the gas station so they had me on fucking video buying the gas can put in the gas

Starting point is 01:07:58 in the in the can and they had all these text messages but text messages were hearsay at that point because even though what was said in the text messages was attempted they couldn't prove that it was me because my phone wasn't in my name

Starting point is 01:08:14 and they couldn't prove that it was me texting on the other end So, like, they didn't use the text messages for a while. They ended up using it for sentencing, though. To, like, how they, like, pushed me to Ply-O. I was scared to death, dude. I've never been upstate before. So I was in Middleton.

Starting point is 01:08:36 And same thing, like, my dad was there a hundred times. So, like, at this point, like, I'm older now. I think I was 26. So, like, I was chilling. Wasn't a big deal. I heard state prison was like a cake walk. So I was like, just keep your head down. And like, if you know people, they get straight, don't fucking do drugs.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Don't get involved with politics. You'll be good. I was like, all right, whatever. They tried to give me 25 years the first time. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough.

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Starting point is 01:10:37 Plea. That was an offer. For arson. Yeah, arson of a dwelling. Now, this is where it's funny. Arson of a dwelling, the max sentence is 25 years with parole. can't it might be different now that's what it was then the DA my attorney came to see me he's like they'll give you 25 years with the possibility of parole and nothing when you get out and I was like that's the max sentence for the crime no so then I get my minimus with all like the facts of the case and everything and I'm reading it the fire marshal told the news or whatever it was that was there, whatever news station it was, that there was such minimal damage done that Mr. Maloney can't be charged for restitution.

Starting point is 01:11:30 I didn't know that at this point, up until then, I didn't know that there wasn't a fire. The fire, I guess, when I left, hit the welcome mat that was on the driveway, hit the porch and the porch was pressure-treated wood and it was soaked from snow. that it went out immediately. And when they got there, there wasn't a fire to put out. So I locked out in that case. So my attorney's like, obviously you're not going to take this deal like blah blah, blah. So now we get the minimis and everything and he's showing me everything.

Starting point is 01:12:07 And I'm like, dude, what do they have besides that it was me that attempted it? Like, what do they really have? Like 25 years? There wasn't even a fire. and they're like the fire marshal was like we're more concerned about the intent of what was attempted so i'm like all right so it's attempted arson so like the max for attempted arson is like two and a half years in the house of correction on and off with like probation and i would have rather took that at the time because i probably wouldn't have got the on and after so we're

Starting point is 01:12:46 talking he's like they'll give you five years uh five i think i think I think it was 5 to 10 of something like that. In state prison with no probation when I get out. So I'm like, absolutely not. I'm like, are you serious? There wasn't even a fire. Now, at the time, I was with this other dude that was wait. He had a stay of execution.

Starting point is 01:13:10 He was waiting to go upstate for, he burnt down like three mill buildings somewhere in Massachusetts and blew up his ex-girlfriend's car. And he got one to three with like 10 years probation or something. I was like, I told my attorney, I'm like, absolutely not. I'm like, you kidding me? This dude actually burnt some shit down. And he's probably going to do a year and a half in state prison. So I'm like, ask for probation.

Starting point is 01:13:45 I'll do like 15 years of probation, right? And that's what I'm thinking. Like, I don't want to fucking be in jail. I got a kid now. He comes back. He's like, there's new evidence in the case. I'm like, what could there possibly be that's new evidence?

Starting point is 01:14:00 The kid Dave's testifying. Not physically, but he's testifying. So he gives a statement, gives the cops his phone to take all the text messages and stuff off of. So this is where the text messages came in. Because they had already known about them, but they didn't see them. So I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.

Starting point is 01:14:25 So now it's like a fear of life thing. Like he's in fear of his life. That's what he's telling him. This big-ass, bad drug dealer, right, that wants to kill my family. So I'm like, all right, whatever. I go back, my attorney talks to the judge. I have court. We asked for three to five, I think, with no probation.

Starting point is 01:14:56 And the DA was asking for, like, 12 years or something straight. Like, no split. So I was like, absolutely not. the judge comes back he gives me four to six for arson of a dwelling now when i tell people this they're like why did you only get charged with one thing because i was ian i was trying to get them to charge me with threats to committed crime and arson of a dwelling because if that had happened that's the other guy that was in there for arson that's what happened he had two charges on him they dropped all the other shit they didn't want it they stuck with asin of a dwelling and because

Starting point is 01:15:43 there wasn't a lesser charge to give me probation and suspended time on the big stuff that's why i ended up going to prison and from the kid testifying how old are you when you went to prison i think i'm pretty sure i was 26 25 or it was i was 25 and i turned 26 when i got sentenced because it was st patty's day 2017 did you ever think about the consequences of what would happen from when I sobe it up yeah of course I did but even from burning the house

Starting point is 01:16:18 or wanting to burn it no at the time no in the moment no I was shit-faced I almost drove off the little bridge thing in Haverill that you have to drive over to get to Hilldale Ave I almost drove off of it

Starting point is 01:16:35 I don't even know how I was driving When we went back to her house, we fell asleep. I literally woke up, didn't remember anything. And then everything started ahead. And then she told me and I was like, fuck, I kind of remember going to the gas station. But like it was like a blur. And then I got sentenced to four to six years. And that was the start of that.

Starting point is 01:17:09 Tell us about that prison sentence. The beginning wasn't bad. I mean, it sucks. Jail in general sucks. Like, I don't recommend it to anybody. But it was... I got to stay for like 29 days, so I'd already knew I was sentenced.

Starting point is 01:17:41 Meanwhile, the girl Lori I'm still talking to. After she tried to set me up the first time, and then lied to me about him the second time. So backtrack real quick. when she left New York to come home she went to his house so it was like fucked up

Starting point is 01:18:08 it was it fucked me up in the head bad I was like what the fuck I didn't know what to think of anything anymore or anyone and from that point on I was just like I don't even care like I'll just stay in prison the rest of my life like my kid will be fine

Starting point is 01:18:21 and uh at the beginning so I get sentenced um I go to Walpole I don't remember when I left It was like I think I got sentenced to September of 2017

Starting point is 01:18:48 No I don't remember what day I got sentenced But I remember I went to Walpole and it was winter It was fucking freezing I go to It's all different now But I think it was like block 6 or something

Starting point is 01:19:10 Or B Or I don't remember what the fucking blocks were But I was on there at the green side and I go in and I'm looking and I always heard stories about Walpole and stuff

Starting point is 01:19:23 like my grandfather used to tell me stories about his friends and I'm like looking and I'm like what the fuck bro it looked like something out of a movie like where's the doors and it's all bars like there's no privacy

Starting point is 01:19:37 at all so I'm like fuck whatever so I walk in I see this kid Maddie that I know and he was like fucking in and out of state prison his whole life

Starting point is 01:19:55 he was a little older than me and like he knew everybody and he was like a big drug addict but he played football he was from I think it was from Soutty and he used to always play flag football and shit

Starting point is 01:20:09 he was cool like in prison he was cool like everyone knew him he was cool in the street too um so I'm like whatever I'm like yo maddie like what's up kid and he's looking at me he's like what the fuck are you doing here

Starting point is 01:20:25 because like I always portrayed that like I was like this good kid you know what I mean that had his shit together and I never did still don't and I kind of started hanging out with him he introduced me to suboxone I didn't really like get addicted to it but I liked how it made me feel and I would like chill out on it talk for hours

Starting point is 01:20:51 and I mean it wasn't bad I stayed in Walpole was waiting to get classed I waited to get classed for like six months I think a little less than six months got class to Concord

Starting point is 01:21:15 went to Concord there was like no room or something everyone that got class to Concord all went to I'm pretty sure it was the J building where the hole was. And, like, we had regular wreck and stuff, but, like, everybody was in...

Starting point is 01:21:34 Everyone that was with me the day that we all got sent, anyone that was going to Concord, all went to the same area. Because I think at that time, because they were trying to close Concord, they shut, like, a bunch of buildings down for whatever reason. But I think the Js and the Ls were the only two things, buildings that were open. And I'm pretty sure the J building was the hole then. I don't know if it's different now.

Starting point is 01:21:58 Um, a wall pole is nothing because it's closed, but we go, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, this is like, there's like no one here. Like, because it, everyone was locked in. Like, there wasn't anything going on. So I go, I sleep. Two months go by, everyone that went that day gets reclassed to another medium. So I'm like, what? What the fuck is another medium?

Starting point is 01:22:32 Like at this point, like, I still didn't really, like, know a lot. Like, you know what I mean? I wasn't really there for that long. So we get reclassed. Three of us get reclassed at Gardner. And the other two guys got reclassed. I think one of them went to Shirley Medium and the other one went to Norfolk. They're all cool.

Starting point is 01:22:49 Like, we were the only ones there that weren't, like, in SEG. So when we were out for wreck, it was only us that were there. And whoever else was there waiting to get. sent to a block or whatever it was so they ended up reclassing everybody that got sent to Concord because they were trying to get people out of Concord but then I don't know they'd do a shit ass backwards and fucking one day they're trying to close it

Starting point is 01:23:14 the next day they're trying to fill it it's like didn't make sense I didn't care it wasn't my job so I'm like Gardner now I had heard stories about Gardner when I was in Middleton and from some of the kids that I hung out with in Walpole And some would say it's a great camp To chill and like lay back fall back

Starting point is 01:23:35 Like just do your bid And some would be like that's where all the skinners go So I'm like What the fuck dude So I'm like in the middle of all like wanting to go to this place So we're on the bus we're going there I'm going And I'm sitting next to this old dude

Starting point is 01:23:52 And he's like You ever been to God now? And I'm like no He's like bro he's like it's like a college campus without the broads and i said what what are you talking about he goes you'll see when you get there he's telling me because i was telling him like i don't want to go to the fucking place with a bunch of pedophiles bro like in my mind i'm like i was touched when i was a kid like i have kids like i'm going to end up catching a life bid like somebody's going to say

Starting point is 01:24:21 something crazy and i'm going to hear it and kill someone so i'm like all right whatever we pull up No joke, Ian. You pull up in the fucking public parking lot. You get out of the van in the parking lot and walk in the front door of the prison. Out free! In shackles. Walk through the front door. The superintendent of the jail or whatever it was comes out and greet you.

Starting point is 01:24:58 Hi, I'm so... I don't even remember what the hell his name was. I'm so and so blah blah Welcome to Gondon's NCCI Gaudna Like If you need anything

Starting point is 01:25:09 Just write me a letter Or come see me at Staff Access And I was like What the fuck is going on here Then we go downstairs Into the basement

Starting point is 01:25:18 To like change our clothes out And stuff Because they give you At that time They gave you If you didn't have gray sweats They'd give you gray sweats And a pair of sweats or whatever

Starting point is 01:25:27 And Um You get like your bed roll and shit. Go downstairs, the captain down there shaking our hands, saying, hey, like, you know what I mean? This is a really chill layback place. Like, if you need anything, let us know. And I'm like, need anything.

Starting point is 01:25:42 What the fuck could you possibly give me? That I, like, if I want to order some food, like, what's going on? So I'm like, this is crazy. So at that point, I didn't see, like, I saw how open the camp was and there was only a double barbed wire fence around it. So we go to HSU. And when you walk out of intake to HSU, you can see the camp. Bro, it literally looked like a college campus.

Starting point is 01:26:10 There was fucking rose gardens, tulips, fruit gardens, vegetable garden. Like, it was crazy. People were playing fucking basketball with no shirts on. Like, I was like, what the f? This is nuts. Like, nothing like I've ever seen before. It gets better, though. I go to intake, go down to A building, which was, like,

Starting point is 01:26:32 like the new, like, commerce unit, like, you'd go there, like, if you got recycled, like, or if you got in trouble, and, like, they didn't want to send you to the whole, you'd go to, like, you'd, like, restart everything. You'd have to earn everything back, whatever. So I go to A building.

Starting point is 01:26:49 I walk into the building. There's a fucking pool table in the middle of the floor, a pool table, and stay prison. Real pool sticks and real pool balls. And just people were just, like, just, chilling like everywhere and I was like this is not real life prison this is not prison there's no way

Starting point is 01:27:09 it very much was I learned so um it wasn't bad I didn't really know anybody there except the guys that I was on the bus with so I kind of just stayed talking to them and um we could go to chow at dinner this was before cold it obviously and I see some guys there that like I recognized from Walpole but like didn't know who they were

Starting point is 01:27:43 and they were across the hall in A building which was like the permanent side it was weird and I ended up talking to them one of them was a fucking skin dutch dude he was

Starting point is 01:27:58 it's like something stupid like I think he had sex with like a 17 year old when he was like fucking 20 or something like that and I was like bro what the fuck and because he was like cool like you know what I mean like I didn't know but like and the other guys that I was talking with like they didn't like it wasn't like how wallpole was like in wallpole like you didn't talk to the skinners you know what I mean so it was like I was like whatever so I stopped talking to him for a little bit I just hung out with the guys that I came on the

Starting point is 01:28:34 bus with that I knew like didn't have like sex charges or anything and after chow the COs changed they come in they do count and the what the fuck was the cop's name I don't remember his name big tall fucking goofy looking kid he comes in he's doing count he's doing kind he's go oh we got some new guys here today huh like sounds like something out of a movie I can't even describe how he talked. No, Adam Sandler talks and Billy Madison. Yeah. When he's singing back to school, that's how this guy talked normal.

Starting point is 01:29:16 That's how he sounded. But, like, way more high-pitched, goofy-looking dude, too. Comes in, he's talking. There was a couple people there that have been there for a while that got recycled or whatever. And he's like, comes up to me and the other three guys that came off the bus with me. And he's like, hey, just to let you know there's a lot of skin. and a lot of rats here, so just keep to yourself. So I'm like, what, did the cop just say that to us?

Starting point is 01:29:46 So I start laughing, and he's like, you think I'm kidding. He goes, you guys are not the majority here. Solid guys don't exist in God, no. That's what he said. So I said, all right, whatever. So fucking, that changed real quick while I was there from COVID and shit. So whatever. next day comes hanging out everything was like straight we i got moved to a building like within a couple

Starting point is 01:30:16 weeks um i got into some programs my first year was like not bad it wasn't great um some kids came in other guys came in that i knew when i was in wallpole and some this kid came in when i was in um that i was with them and Middleton. I didn't really like him, but, like, I knew him. You know what I mean? Like, I shot around with him at the yard sometimes in Middleton. And, like, he was, like, a fucking troublemaker.

Starting point is 01:30:55 He got in trouble all the time. He was always fucking doing some sketchy shit. And, uh, but he knew mad people. So there was that mindset again. Oh, shit. He was a fucking clown in Middleton. but he's just somebody in Ghana or upstate

Starting point is 01:31:12 you know what I mean he knew a bunch of people and all the guys he hung out with were all state level solid you know what I mean so I was like and at this point I didn't have glasses

Starting point is 01:31:25 I didn't have glasses before I went to prison I don't know if I told you that yeah um so I just looked like your normal fucking junkie white guy but I didn't do drugs

Starting point is 01:31:35 you know what you mean um I was all tatted up this whole arm was done already um in my hand

Starting point is 01:31:43 so I started hanging out with him and these other solid white guys a couple of weeks go by we're like

Starting point is 01:31:58 chilling and stuff they start fucking making homebrew I started drinking again that was it that was it I was it I was in this building

Starting point is 01:32:10 they had like A, B was above A. A and B kind of looked more like a jail type thing. It was gotten as a big, I don't know if you know this, but it's all open concept. It's all dorms, 30-man dorms, except for Thompson Hall, which is like life is, people that are sick because HSU is below it. You had to be blowing somebody that works there to get in Thompson Hall, if you really wanted to sell

Starting point is 01:32:41 because like 85 or 90% of it was all singles. Like the whole building. There was probably, the majority of the camp was in Thompson Hall. So it was like 3, 400 guys in that one building. Because it was only, I think God and his max was like 1,200, but there was only like 900 people there, which isn't really a lot.

Starting point is 01:33:05 So I started drinking. Now, A, B, and then C, No G and H building Were like houses Like like Like old Victorian style houses Like legitimate houses

Starting point is 01:33:23 I think Gardner was a mental institution Back in like the 80s or something Or 70s Because that's how it's like set up I think there's something about that too That you can look up I'm not sure But

Starting point is 01:33:37 They're like old school Like Big Victorian-style houses, like, you know what I mean? Like, rustic looking. And I ended up in H the first time. This was like a year into my bid. Right before COVID.

Starting point is 01:33:58 Because COVID was in 2019, right? 2020. The end of 19. Yeah, end of 19. Yeah, yeah. So this was the first year. The beginning of 2019. So I was trying to get, they had the dog program, which is like, I think every camp besides Shirley and Walpole had it.

Starting point is 01:34:25 Concord and Norfolk had it too. And Plymouth. But like you could get in the dog program and like you learn how to train a dog and they usually go to like people that are deaf or like veterans or something like that. So I wanted to get in it because at that point you could get. 15 days good time. So if you were in the dog program, you maxed out because you had program, you had a troll you had to do, and you had school. It was considered school.

Starting point is 01:35:01 I think those were the three things. I don't know, but you could get 15 days just for being in the dog program. And the dog program was like 18 months to 22 months long to like graduate a dog from a puppy. So that's, do the math, like, that's a lot of, that's months off your sentence. So I was like, all right, whatever. Like, I want to get in the dog program. So I'm in H building.

Starting point is 01:35:25 I'm doing, like, stupid violence classes and shit. Like, just stuff to, like, pass the time by and get, like, a couple days here and they had a good time. And I'm drinking heavily. And I'm with one of the kids that I met through that. other kid that I was in Middleton with. So we're just hanging out drinking. We get shit-faced.

Starting point is 01:35:52 I'm like, yo, I gotta take a shower. I'm like, I can't fucking... I cannot... I was sweating. I was like miserable. Like, I needed to wake up. So he's like, Garner's not one of those camps

Starting point is 01:36:07 where you go somewhere with somebody either. So it's like... Because it's very laid back. Like, if shit happens, shit happens. but like it usually doesn't but there's a lot of skinners and shit there and weirdos so I'm still a new kid in the camp

Starting point is 01:36:25 I'm a lot skinnier I had nice hair kind of like you just subtract the glasses literally go downstairs I go in the shower

Starting point is 01:36:39 there's nobody there was some people the pool in H building the pool tables were in the basement so there was some guys playing pool but they were like older to that were like always down there. That was like the wreck room, like where all the phones were on like the hallway side of it. And then it was like all the other shit.

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Starting point is 01:38:30 Get yours now at Los Angeles FWC26.com A little bit I started hearing like whispering Did you have gang showers in when you were in the feds? No. There were singles? Yeah detention center, one detention center, they had a gang shower.

Starting point is 01:38:50 So you've seen a gang shower before. So picture a gang shower, but really small, like literally the size of this room, but there were shower heads all over the wall. But in those two buildings, you either showered with your buddy or you showered by yourself because that's like you could shit. You were out all day. So like you could shower whenever you wanted. Like there would never be more than three people in the shower. So there was no one in the shower with me. So I started hearing, like, whispering.

Starting point is 01:39:25 And I'm like, for me to be able to hear you whisper with the shower on, you'd have to be close to the shower. And the curtains didn't have, you couldn't see outside the curtain. And in H building, the curtain happened to go past the little lip on the shower. So I couldn't see if someone was outside of it. So I'm, like, not thinking anything of it. So I turn around. I fucking

Starting point is 01:39:52 Put my head up on the fucking metal thing That the shower thing's on I start going to town on myself So I'm chilling right I start hearing like footsteps And there's group of dudes Walking the shower Butt ass naked

Starting point is 01:40:11 I'm like bro are you fucking kidding me I'm sitting here like I was like damn man Something bad's about to happen And it did one of the kids started arguing with me about something another kid was arguing

Starting point is 01:40:29 flashed before my eyes I got fucking sucked right in the back of the head and now I'm on the ground in the shower so first of all I was freaking out because I didn't want to catch something I'm naked and there's a group of fucking

Starting point is 01:40:46 good-sized dudes in the shower with me that weren't white I'll just say that And My worst nightmare came true They beat the shit out of me And One of them

Starting point is 01:41:03 Was like Yo let's fucking reap them So I'm like fuck bro I'm like you gotta be kidding me So now I hear it And I'm like Triggered from like Shit because at this point in time

Starting point is 01:41:15 Like I'm in and out of jail So I have mad time To be thinking about stuff So I'm thinking about my childhood and like how to deal with it, talking to the therapist in jail and shit. So I stopped freaking out in my head and like I tense my whole body up.

Starting point is 01:41:32 Didn't happen. Came very close to it. Like, dude was like literally almost inside of me. Freaked the fuck out. And then I like, it was like I woke up from a bad dream. My boy came downstairs, like thankfully at the time. And they had already left. left the shower.

Starting point is 01:42:02 And I was just in pain, bro. My face was fucking swollen. I was bleeding. So I'm like, damn, dude. I'm like, he's like, yo, what happened? And I'm like, I don't even know. I got dressed. I went upstairs.

Starting point is 01:42:20 He's like, yo, you got to cover your face. Cover my face. I stood up for count. When I stood up for count, I looked at my TV on my fucking, my bed so you couldn't see one side of my face. my other side of my face I had a black eye but I was like you couldn't really see it fucking the building that I was in was chill

Starting point is 01:42:36 the cop didn't really look at you when he was doing count a couple days go by I tell the kid because me and him he was I was that's who I hung out with I tell him like what happened and shit and he's like bro are you fucking serious and I'm like yeah I'm dead serious he's like do you know who was

Starting point is 01:42:55 and I was like I don't know who they were but I could definitely show you who the fuck they were if we seen him so a couple weeks go by, we're talking, plotting, doing all this shit. And this dude, Johnny comes down. I was in South Bay with him. Bank robber.

Starting point is 01:43:12 Did 11 years in the feds. He was nasty at drawing when I was in South Bay with him. And I clicked up with him, obviously, because I knew him from, like, I did nine months with him. Like, he was my boy. Older, dude, like, my dad's age. And this other kid, Bobby. that was friends with Johnny that was like this big like white supremacist kid

Starting point is 01:43:37 and I was like what the fuck's this dude doing God now so he had gotten you can get like class down when you do good he was in the max and he got class down and they sent him to godna because like guys guys will choose to go there because they know it's a chill camp if they don't care about being around like fucking weirdos all day but if you keep to yourself Like, it really is a chill place to be. And shit happens all the time. Like, skinners are getting beat up left and right, and the cops don't even care. And, like, some scanners are beating up other people.

Starting point is 01:44:14 Like, it's crazy. It's, it's nuts. Rats are just walking around, like, two-legged ones, four-legged ones. So I'm telling the kid that I'm hanging out with that I know the dude Johnny. So he comes over, he introduces me to the, to the other kid and he's like yo we got to talk about

Starting point is 01:44:40 what just happened and Troy so I'm like no I was like I don't want to tell anybody come on man I was like chill so right at that instance when I'm saying that the girl I was seeing at the time

Starting point is 01:44:51 her cousin well I already knew he was coming there but I didn't know when and I didn't think it was going to be that quick walks down the hill from intake and I'm like yo I think dad's fucking Brian. So I asked one of the other white kids, I was like, yo, is that Brian coming down the hill?

Starting point is 01:45:13 He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like yelling. I'm like, yo, yo. I'm like, Brian. I'm like, yo, it's Troy. I'm like, I fuck your cousin. So he bolts down the hill and tackles me, like, not to hurt me, but like grabs me. And he's like, yo, she's been telling me fucking about you this whole time.

Starting point is 01:45:32 You've been in here. and I'm like, yeah, whatever. Like, he was there for some stupid drug shit. I think he tried to rob, like, a convenience store or something with, like, a knife or something. But, um... So I clicked up with everybody. So now I had, like, my little click. And, I mean, I'm not really a fighter.

Starting point is 01:45:49 Like, I'm... I black out when I fight, so I hurt myself and someone else if I fight. And I don't really like to fight. Like, I'm a lover and not a fighter. You know what I mean? Like, I'd rather... I don't portray myself to be a tough guy at all. Um, I'd like to think I am sometimes, but I'm not.

Starting point is 01:46:08 I have tough friends, though. That's what matters. And I'm solid. I won't, you know what I mean? If you're my boy, I won't throw you under the bus. I won't talk, nothing. If you're not my boy, I don't know what to tell you. So we click up.

Starting point is 01:46:24 We don't talk about what happened that day. A couple days go by. We're sitting out at the yard, and then we, I brought it up. And I'm like, blah, blah, and I started crying. And Brian, like, I instantly connected with him. Because, like, I was dating his cousin, and I heard everything about it. I felt like I knew him already.

Starting point is 01:46:51 And he was treating me like his little brother. So I was, like, chilling, you know what I mean? So I, like, opened up to all of them. And I knew Johnny. So, like, and I watched Johnny go through some. shit when we were away and I seen him cry before so I'm like all right maybe I'm straight so I'm crying and fucking Brian's like yo he's looking at the other kid Bobby he's like we got to do something so I'm sitting there and I'm like yo they're gonna know that it was me and then if nothing

Starting point is 01:47:27 happens to them I'm like I'm gonna end up something's gonna happen to me again Two days go by, wreck again. We're all out at the yard. They're in like, God and his yacht is huge. It's massive. We like the basketball courts are, and there's this huge, like, track thing. There's a separate track that's another yard, but there's this huge, like, you can basically walk the perimeter of the inside of the fence all the way around to one side. You just can't go behind the building.

Starting point is 01:48:07 So it's pretty Big, like shit's out of the way And there's places that cameras can't see So they're in like the corner of the yard With all fucking There are the likable creatures that they hang out with And I'm sitting there And I'm like, yo, they're over there

Starting point is 01:48:29 So Brian looks at me And he goes, yo, go stand over there He was like, just go chill Go call Jess or something Like I forget what he said But the dude Bobby was like a big I forget what he was. I think he was part of like

Starting point is 01:48:44 I think it was called Bao Brothers of White Warriors that's exactly what it was it was like a New Hampshire State Prison thing and he like brought it down to mass or something it wasn't that big but

Starting point is 01:48:57 it was he was a serious dude like I heard mad stories about him and like he had a huge fucking scar on his face from getting stabbed like he'd done a lot of time in prison

Starting point is 01:49:10 and like he was just a serious dude. And like I said, like, I always went around people like that because they were respected. So they go over, I fucking walk away. The next day, all of us get lugged up to the Ips office.

Starting point is 01:49:29 The kids are gone, apparently. We all get questioned. I'm like, I have no idea who the fuck they are. And they're like, you hang out with these three kids every single day. And they're like, you don't.

Starting point is 01:49:44 know what they do on a day-to-day basis and I'm like no so nothing comes of it we get let back out ifs is like the inner perimeter security it's like the cops of the cops really we get left back out we go to our buildings I'm chilling now these dudes are gone all all of them are gone they weren't in the camp anymore I never saw them again so we're chilling so I'm like all right somebody has connections or did or said something that is allowing this to get like wiped under the rug so i'm chilling you know what i mean whatever i stopped potting with everybody then covid comes like the scare of covid and then it actually happened and the whole fucking place got locked down it was like hell because like you're in dorms you can't have privacy from anyone people are getting

Starting point is 01:50:50 everyone's going to end up getting sick and the whole camp ended up getting it six people died too like two older guys and the rest were all like young kids with like asthma and shit and I have asthma so I was like fuck I'm gonna die

Starting point is 01:51:04 like I always made an extreme about everything so it was like COVID sucked and that was when I started to I had a lot of time to like think about everything that happened throughout my life and what had just happened.

Starting point is 01:51:28 And I just decided I wanted to change. I didn't know how, though. And I started seeing the therapist more. I got, like, video visits and stuff. I would talk to people, but, like, I would talk kind of like how I'm talking to you. Like, I didn't take it serious. I mean, I take it serious now, but, like, I would, like, joke around about it, like, you know what I mean? So it wasn't like, yeah, I was fucking molested when I was a kid.

Starting point is 01:52:07 Yeah, I was beat. Yeah, I was in and out of jail. You know what I mean? Like, it, it, still to this day, I don't think I take it serious enough because, like, I still struggle with a lot of issues. But state prison taught me how to have patience. but only with certain aspects of life. And it taught me to not take life for granted, but also that, like, I never wanted to go back there again.

Starting point is 01:52:50 Because, like, I was still in state prison. It doesn't matter, like, what camp I was in. They were still serious dudes. And when COVID happened, they had something happened in, like, Shirley Max. and a bunch of people needed to be classed, and we had so many open beds in Gardner that they started sending mad dudes from the max. Like, serious dudes, like, dudes that were, like,

Starting point is 01:53:17 in for, like, committing murder and, like, multiple murders. Like, people that have been in prison already for 15, 20 years that were able to go to a lower security. And, like, mad gang bang is... And they all, like, just... It was like a flood. One day there was 50 open beds. The next day they were all full.

Starting point is 01:53:45 So it was like, and it changed the demographic of the camp. Like, a lot more like solid guys were, like, invading the camp, I guess you could say. So, like, things were, like, it was turning into, like, a real prison. So the, the... What the fuck's the word? the consequences of stuff were getting worse opposed to before when it wasn't like a big deal like if you got caught drinking like you got recycled

Starting point is 01:54:21 now you go to the hole you got caught dirty urine like now you're in the hole for 30 days and not 14 days or 10 days or whatever it was so like stuff started there was fights every day you're what I mean stabbing's like once a month but like Gardner was the same safe prison in New England.

Starting point is 01:54:43 At one point, I'm pretty sure it was the safest prison in the country. Like, they, at one point when I was there, like, there was a hundred federal inmates there on T numbers that were in hiding or got sent there for their safety. Like, they were keeping them there. And it just all changed. And I kind of liked when it changed because it got, like, it felt more like prison but I was so used to it that like it didn't bother me

Starting point is 01:55:20 but I kept thinking about my kid and like I just wanted to get out and so I started trying to do good and I mean I did for a little bit and it just I don't know how much time did you end up serving a little over five years how old were you when you got out

Starting point is 01:55:42 I got out April 22nd April 14th 2022. So I was, what was that three years ago? Yeah. 30, 31. Or were you able to stick to that change you wanted to see within yourself when you got out? In the beginning, yeah. In the beginning. I got out, I ended up, I got released from Walpole. Oh, I got out on parole in 21 for like four months. months and then violated and then went back to Walpole um which i was kind of happy for it because i fucking hated being on parole but i think i had like six months left on my sentence or a year left

Starting point is 01:56:51 on my sentence or something from like all the good time i had earned before because like they didn't they don't take it from you because it's already earned like it's already calculated and then when i got to wall pole they maxed me out because they were trying to close wallpole so i ended up i think it was like five or six months and then i got released from wallpole it might have been less than that um so i fucking i get out i tell my mother that i wanted to like get help like mentally so i ended up going to this place, Green Mountain Recovery Center, treatment center, whatever. It's like a dual diagnosis,

Starting point is 01:57:42 like drugs and alcohol and stuff like that, and then mental health. And I did, like, the mental health side of it. And it helped a lot, actually. But I was in a bubble. I wasn't in the real world. And it's like a five-star fucking recovery place. So, like, it was, it was like,

Starting point is 01:58:05 a positive version of prison. And it was co-ed. So I was like, I didn't want to leave. Like, my mind was clear and I forgave, like, my dad and I forgave my uncle, like, in my head. I forgave, like, people in prison that did me wrong because, like, mad shit happened in prison, like, good and bad. That was the worst thing that happened. But, like, I don't know. It didn't feel real.

Starting point is 01:58:46 So then I left there, graduated or whatever. And then I just, like, slowly trickled backwards. I don't know how to explain it. Why do you think you fell back into bad habits again, bad patterns? I got comfortable. I felt like, oh, I did all the work. You know what I mean? Like, I'm good.

Starting point is 01:59:19 Like, I changed. Like, I worked on myself. And I really did. I did. I did. I did. Like, I really did, like, I put in the work and I really did work on myself. Things started to trigger me.

Starting point is 01:59:35 And I'd revert back to, like, snapping at somebody. Like, here and there, like, little by little. But it started getting worse over time. But I don't, I don't know. I think I just got complacent. Like, I was comfortable. Like, I felt in my head that, like, I was okay. Like I

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Starting point is 02:01:21 Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. VALS. VALTHU-27. While supplies last, selection varies by location. See associate or Lowe's.com for details. enough. Like, you know, I didn't have to do work on it anymore. It would just happen. But I guess it didn't work out that way. Where are you at today? Have you been able to return things around? So, in the three years that I've been out, I've struggled a lot. I have constant issues with the registry. I don't have my license still. I owe the registry

Starting point is 02:02:04 of mass like i owed them nine grand or 10 grand or something now it's down to like 6200 or something like that that's another story but i think i changed a lot like i'm a really good dad um i see my son just like every weekend i have them um i was seeing my daughter every sunday but now her mother is deciding to make issues with stuff. So that's a whole other can of worms that I don't want to talk about. Like mentally, I don't think any work I did did anything. I think it was in my head. Like, it was a delusion that, like, I fed myself, like, that I was okay.

Starting point is 02:03:08 Like, that I was healed from everything, but I wasn't. like I worked on like my attitude and my personality and how I handled certain situations and like it did great but like now like I'm still working on it like trying really hard but I still catch myself saying like you don't need to do this like you're fine and then it will set me back a little bit you know what I mean like I try and tell myself that everything's good but it's really not what's your plan to kind of get out of this rut you're in mentally trying to figure that out now I like

Starting point is 02:04:05 I have a good support system and I'm like motivated and I'm constantly like I'm staying out of trouble but like in my eyes like I feel like me to people that don't know me like from before

Starting point is 02:04:30 from before to now is a completely different person like I feel that me just staying out of trouble is enough and that like I'm being good and like you know what I mean

Starting point is 02:04:47 like I feel like I should get praise for that but like I shouldn't like in reality like that's just a normal fucking way of living is not just don't break the law you know what I mean and it just feels like

Starting point is 02:05:05 every thing I do like I nitpick with my mind and like I don't I keep getting sidetracked like trying to work on one thing and trying to work on another thing and like I want to help other people and I can't even continue to help myself So, I mean, like, I guess I'm doing good in a sense of, like, staying out of trouble and, like, being a good dad.

Starting point is 02:05:37 But, like, there's still so many, like, roadblocks I hit mentally and, like, with society in general. Like, just, like, just the way the world's turning out and with the registry and the license thing's really big, like, brick wall to hit. because like it prohibits me from doing so much shit you know what I mean like and it's a lot it's it's all stuff from the past that like I'm trying to like like because you can't like make payments

Starting point is 02:06:15 and stuff in Massachusetts on reinstatement fees and it's fucking stupid and I guess this is this big lawsuit and I've emailed everybody I've emailed the head of the registry they like took a bunch of stuff off my driving record but like that's not what I wanted I want to be able to pay it but I can't pay it. No one's got nine grand, six grand just laying around, you know what I mean? But it's like my mental is is a bigger roadblock, I think, than anything else.

Starting point is 02:06:48 And I didn't even realize that until like a couple weeks ago. Where would you like to see yourself five years from now? Five years from now? Yeah. Not in New England. No, for real. Not in New England, but stable. fully stable

Starting point is 02:07:18 because like I want to own my own excavation business and I got a good girl we got engaged and stuff and she's awesome and

Starting point is 02:07:36 her kid my stepson and my kid get along and I just I want to have like just the family like I want to have my kids my daughter my son with me me all the time and I want to just be a positive functioning member of society and hopefully help

Starting point is 02:08:02 some people along the way. I've thought about getting into recovery and stuff like that, like being a coach, but like I don't, I didn't really, I mean, I struggled with alcohol. Like, I could do alcohol recovery, but like a lot of stuff is like, oh, like, NA and I don't think I, I didn't struggle enough to like be in it, I don't think. I think even just a little bit of struggle, you know, it gives you that experience to help others. It, you still struggled with it, you know. You could still feel what others felt. It doesn't have to necessarily be to that extreme.

Starting point is 02:08:39 Like, I want to help people, like, just in general. Like, that's why I did. That's why I wanted to do the podcast because it's like, I want somebody to hear my story that, like, because, like, I didn't tell anybody for, so long, like, shit that happened to me. Like, even my mom, like, I didn't tell... My mom's, like, my best friend now. Like, I didn't tell my mother the shit with my uncle until I was, like...

Starting point is 02:09:06 I think when I was in state prison. So, like, that's a long time. Yeah. It's like 10 years. And it's good to let it off your trust and talk about it. And it's, like, and there's thousands of people that I know are dealing with something that happened to them, whether it be to that extent or not

Starting point is 02:09:23 that, like, need... if I had the podcast and stuff that we got now, like, when I was younger, that were, like, if they were big, you know what I mean? Like, I would have never went to prison. And, like, I said that in the other podcast I did. Like, I would have never, things would have been way different if I had people that I could listen to their stories about. And, like, that's what I want to show kids today. Like, like, even my son, my son watched my other one that I did. and last night

Starting point is 02:09:58 he's laying in bed with me we were watching a movie and he's like hey I want to tell you something like I kind of understand like why you are the way you are sometimes and like it made me cry like I was like what the fuck

Starting point is 02:10:14 like he was like I want you to know that like I love you and like he was like it was my kid's 11 so it was like I think it's help it's gonna help him not go the direction that I went and like it takes a lot of work it's not it's not easy like

Starting point is 02:10:31 I try to be positive all the time and like bro it's so fucking odd it's hard work it's a marathon and then and then like even like with jobs and stuff like if you have a felony on your record a lot of places like even though there's like that criminal

Starting point is 02:10:48 bill that passed like they're not allowed to deny you employment for like a felony or your record Like some company That's like some type of law or something They won't say that it's that

Starting point is 02:11:05 They'll say that it's something else But really in the back of their mind It's because you're a felon Or because they think you're violent or whatever And it's like three years ago Ain't that long but like When I did it kind of is Like 2017 is what?

Starting point is 02:11:24 Eight years ago You know what I mean? Seven years ago? Which is crazy. That's why having these conversations is so important. Yeah, it's like, I don't want me or anyone. Like, do you like being judged by a piece of paper? Of course.

Starting point is 02:11:38 No, of course not. So it's like, it's not fair. Like, same thing with the registry. It's like they're judging me off my driving record from before I was 15 years ago. So it's like, I don't know. I just, I don't want other kids to have to deal with that. or people in general. I just, I think being judged as who you are today is what matters.

Starting point is 02:12:04 Absolutely. Not who you were. And like, I still struggle every day with trying to figure out who the fuck I am. Like, I don't try and be other people like I used to do. But like, I can't even try and be someone who I really am because I don't know who it is. So it's like, I don't know what's fucked up. I think something that helps me is just kind of envisioning where I want to be, especially when I got out of prison, or when I was in prison, I had that mindset

Starting point is 02:12:36 of imagining what life could be like and then just working every day towards that to become that person. Yeah. And it sounds like you have a sense of who you want to be now. You just have to take those steps to actually put in that work to get to who you want to be. Yeah, and it's crazy because it's, it's been three years. And like, I guess three years ago to now I'm in a better place, but like I don't.

Starting point is 02:13:00 don't feel like I am. Hey, it took me, you know, almost seven years to find some peace after prison. So it takes time. It's not something that's just built overnight, you know? Yeah. I didn't get out of prison a year ago and build what I have now. It's hard. And you shouldn't judge yourself based on time. That's the problem. That's what I do. Yeah. I think you can, you know, you just focus on a couple things, make a list of what goals you need to hit to reach those goals and you'll get there. Hopefully I can figure something out. But I know I'm doing better than I was 10, 12 years ago. Just being a better father to your kids is something.

Starting point is 02:13:49 Yeah, that's my biggest thing is I just want, like, if anything, like I want to, like, when I'm off this earth, like, I want people to know that, like, at least he was a good dad. you know what I mean so it's like because I'm still an asshole sometimes and revert back to like old ways

Starting point is 02:14:11 and I don't like it and not as much like before it was like every single day I was doing stupid shit but like now it's just like I want to cut like the bad habits completely out

Starting point is 02:14:27 and just be a positive influence for other people I think you could do it you just keep focused on it take it one day at a time it's not easy no it's definitely that easy but you know there's gonna be a lot of people

Starting point is 02:14:47 that will be able to relate to you in this episode and will appreciate the fact that you are vulnerable and you know admitting to what you're still struggling with so people see that side to it as well too like some people are different

Starting point is 02:15:03 like a Johnny dude he fucking got out of prison he had the ground running when he got out. Like, there's nothing like, you know what I mean? It's like, but that's because of the people like he surrounded himself with. And like, I cut everybody off and like I burned so many bridges growing up. So it's like it's a lot hotter for me. But like that's somebody that I look up to, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:15:29 So it's like, because like if he can do it, anyone could fucking do it. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Especially him. Yeah, despite everything. Yeah, exactly. He's kicking. He's killing it.

Starting point is 02:15:38 It's, I use that as motivation. Like, sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's bad. But, like, I think, like, I always try to do things all at once. And I got to slow my brain down. That's my biggest thing that I'm working on is, like, take things one step at a time. Because, like, I used to do that. I'd take things one step at a time.

Starting point is 02:16:09 And then I'd be like, oh, I got this. And then try to do it all. I'm sure you've done that. before too. It's like, oh, I can handle all this. I'm good. And then you get overwhelmed and you're like, fuck, back to where you were. Back to where you started. Absolutely. We've all been there before. So it's just like, and I don't want people to feel bad for me. And I could care less about that stuff. But like, mental health issues is like a serious thing. And that's what I gained from prison that is the biggest thing is my mental health issues. That's, that's something that

Starting point is 02:16:46 like i got PTSD sometimes bad at night like when i'm sleeping like i'll wake up fucking sweating like just not even remembering from what but like i never had that before so it's just i don't know mental health is serious thing and people undermine it with men a lot and because you're like supposed to be manly and like all this other shit but it's bullshit bro Men cry more than women half the time. You just don't see it. You know what I mean? For real.

Starting point is 02:17:25 I love that. Well, Troy, thank you so much for coming on the show today, man. Absolutely. I appreciate you being vulnerable and, you know, showing the audience the real Troy and sharing your story. Thank you for having me in. Yeah, thank you. And appreciate the support and safe travels back.

Starting point is 02:17:43 Thanks, buddy.

Locked In with Ian Bick - I Tried to Burn Down Her Ex’s House — It Sent Me to Prison | Troy Maloney

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