Locked In with Ian Bick - I Was a U.S. Soldier - Then a $900-a-Day Drug Habit Nearly Killed Me | Victor Woods

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

Victor Woods opens up about his journey from a promising young man with dreams of becoming a lawyer to a U.S. soldier battling a $900-a-day drug habit that nearly took his life. Raised by a single mother and facing periods of homelessness, Victor found discipline and direction in the military — but the trauma of deployment and the chaos of life after service sent him down a dangerous path. In this interview, Victor shares what he witnessed during his time in Afghanistan, how addiction took control, and the near-fatal car crash that became his turning point. Today, he’s a devoted husband, father, and firefighter — living proof that redemption is always possible. #USArmy #AddictionRecovery #DrugAddictionStory #VeteranLife #RedemptionStory #MotivationalPodcast #SurvivingAddiction #LockedInPodcast Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Grab your Locked In Merch Here: https://shop.ianbick.com Timestamps: 00:00 – Victor’s Journey from the Military to Addiction02:32 – Moving to Danbury & Launching a Podcast04:34 – Growing Up in Brooklyn11:12 – Street Fights and Early Struggles18:16 – Getting Kicked Out & Living on the Streets23:45 – Choosing the Army Over College31:36 – Boot Camp Reality: First Days in the Military44:53 – Deployment to Afghanistan52:18 – Arrested Overseas: The Guardian Angel Program Story01:04:59 – Coming Home & Struggling with Civilian Life01:12:21 – Falling Into Opioid Addiction01:18:53 – Hitting Rock Bottom01:27:27 – Legal Trouble, Recovery, and Probation01:32:31 – Redemption, Purpose, and Life After Addiction Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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MPs came and then they just handcuffed me, put me in the Humvee, put me in a holding cell on that base. What happens the second you touched down over there? At my worst, it was 1530s in the morning and 1530s around 7 o'clock, so 900 milligrams a day. And I remember my first didn't rehab. Everybody didn't believe me. What do you think was the worst experience being in a cell like that for the first time? They said that I was on 95 North. I OD'd behind the wheel and I was going northbound on 95 South. What flashback do you think replayed the most in your mind from Afghanistan when you got back from that second tour?

Imagine going from serving your country overseas to spending $900 a day on drugs. Today's guest, Victor Woods, was a U.S. soldier who hit rock bottom after two deployments, an arrest overseas, and a near-fatal car crash. But instead of giving up, he turned his life around and now he's a firefighter, husband, and father. This is one of the most powerful redemption stories we've had on the show. Victor, welcome to Lockton. Thanks so much for coming on the show today. No problem. You just moved to Damberry.

Not too long ago, right? Yeah, a little over a year. Cool. And then we met you and your wife here at the studio last week, and we convinced you to come on the show. Maddie Eisen, your wife convinced you to come on. Maddie was a big convince her. And you're our first guest in the brand new studio.

We just redid it completely. New panels, got rid of the carpet, it and new mics, everything, it's all up and up. It looks great. Yeah, you saw it before, last week before when the curtains were just here. Yeah, we did the lighting and everything mounted the cameras on the wall. I just got back from Vegas yesterday. I caught a freaking cold yet again.

I'm giving up drinking. It just ruins my immune system. Really? Yeah, I think that's what it is. It strengthens mine. Really? Yeah, that's what Matt was saying he could drink like a fish and everything is fine. And me, I'd like get drunk like two days in a row and my whole immune system's

So I'm, I think I've done with drinking, unless it's like a special holiday or something. Gotcha. Yeah, I don't know, my wife thinks I'm weird, but I went from Corona to old fashions. And now I don't drink Corona. All I drink is old fashions. Not crazy, but, you know. Old fashions are good, though. Yeah, I love bourbon.

Yeah, I used to be the guy that ordered like a white wine at the bar, like a pinocrigio. And my friends are like, you can't do that. Like, that's not acceptable. And so they said, order an old fashion. So I started ordering that and everything worked out from there. Yeah, it's good stuff. Where did you grow off, Victor? Brooklyn.

What was that like? It was interesting. Irish mother, Puerto Rican father, basically down the middle as far as Brooklyn goes, Red Hook and Park Slope are right next to each other. I stayed with my mother, Irish and Park Slope. And my father was in Red Hook, but she was a single mother. the entire time. She had zero help from him. So she worked her ass off and she did her best to raise me. But she was one of those, let me say strong-handed. I got to raise my son into a man type of women. So I think she did a good job, you know, pushed me in the right direction.

9-11 kind of steered me a different path. I think she wanted me to be a lawyer. And then as soon as that happened, from day one, I was like, I think I'm going to join that. army. Did she tell you much about your dad? She said that he was a good man in shape and then he just went down the wrong path. He, uh, he was out with friends and thought he was doing coke and it turned out to be heroin. And then from there, he was done. And it was, uh, I think she was already pregnant with me and it was about seven months before I was born. And the, the worst story that she told me was the day I was born he came to the hospital, signed paperwork, and then took the money out of her wallet and left. And she was too embarrassed to tell anybody from our family that she

doesn't have money for the TV. Because, you know, back then you needed to give them money to actually watch TV. So she just, you know, bad day for her. First day, you know, the day her first son is born, she's crying in the hospital because she doesn't have any money because her dad. baby daddy stole it. Were you curious about your dad growing up? Or was it just a one-time conversation of what happened? I saw him here and there. You know, when my grandmother on the Puerto Rican side, she was an amazing woman.

You know, she passed a couple of years ago. But she would try to get him straightened out so that when he did see me, he didn't look bad. And, you know, they did their best, but it wasn't that great. And then as soon as I became a teenager, I started getting kids. curious, you know, what's my family like? I think it was like 13, 14 years old when I started going, you know, sneaking off and going down to Red Hook and spending the time with my Puerto Rican side of my family. And honestly, he wasn't a bad man. He passed too, but he wasn't a bad man. He just, he made mistakes and he couldn't fix those mistakes. That's about it.

What career was your mom in? She's a manager at Keyfood. She's been a manager at Keyfood since I was born. Was that a good career for her? It was good because she, because of her work ethic, she worked so hard. You know, she started off as a cashier and she worked so hard that eventually the two bosses who are like family to me too, they were like, we can't run this business without her. And now she runs the whole thing. They give her what she wants, pay raise. I think for a while she was, they were at least. her a car just to make sure that she could get to and from work their whole

business I feel like the she's the foundation and I got my work ethic a hundred percent from her so do you think you guys didn't necessarily struggle as much as maybe others did because of her career oh no we struggled I are we I mean you know Brooklyn no dad's from Brooklyn yeah Brownstone in Brooklyn now millions we were living my grandfather owned a Brownstone in Brooklyn 10th Street between 7th and 6th Avenue. And after he passed, my mother has, I think, seven or eight brothers and sisters.

After he passed, we were still living there. We were still taking care of it. I think I was about five or six years old when this happened. And they came to the option of selling it. I know it started with a five. It was either $15,000 apiece or $50,000 a piece. Don't know what it was, but I know it was in the early 90s.

and she said where are me and my son going to go and my entire irish side of the family said we don't know but we don't care and the majority decision was to sell the brownstone she took that money and then we ended up moving in a block and a half away with my grandmother's sister so my mother's aunt my great-aunt um She was an older lady, schizophrenic. And every day from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., there was one of those home health aides. So that was my childhood, a schizophrenic old lady in a railroad apartment in Park Slope. No doors. There's two doors.

The door to the apartment and the door to the bathroom, which didn't have a lock on it. It was just a closed door. and I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I just couldn't wait to get out. What do you think your favorite memory was from childhood? First fight I won. 100%.

That was, it's got to be like the best. Because I remember my uncle Billy, my mother's side again. He, I came home one day because my uncles used to pick me up from school. Everybody was close. We were on 11th Street. They were on 16th Street, you know, five blocks away. And I had a black guy. And he was talking to me about what happened.

He was rough on me. He didn't talk about developing leather skin. My uncle Billy turned every part of me into leather skin. He just, he didn't want me to be a loser. He didn't want me to take shit. And, you know, my wife likes to tell the story the last time he lost the street fight was when he was 12 years old. He, you know, my uncle got me into boxing. And I remember after like six months.

the same kid that sent me home with that black guy, I beat the shit out of him. And from then on, it was just like, all right, now you got to be a tough guy in order to survive. That was basically it. Do you think you had a lot of anger? I had a shit ton of anger. Yeah. I wasn't happy at home. Nothing to do with my mother. She worked crazy hours trying to provide for me. Just didn't like living with a crazy old lady and some random lady. And it changed Monday through five. Friday was one chick, Saturday and Sunday was another chick. And I just, is like, being home sucked. You can escape only so much through video games.

And I had my little N64, and I loved playing that. But then that became an issue because of the wire. My aunt had to walk by. She used to just kick the cord right out of the N64. She was crazy. She wasn't a terrible person, but she was mentally ill. So I hated it. And it made me an angry.

person. What do you think was your least favorite memory from childhood? I think it would, it was probably getting kicked out. I deserved it, but getting kicked out. I don't remember if I was 16 or 17 years old, but my mom had finally had enough. I was very rebellious. And at that time, my same Uncle Billy that taught me how to fight, he He moved to Texas to start his own life. He moved out of Brooklyn, went to Texas, ended up getting arrested for transporting illegals over the border. So he was in jail at the time, and I never forget the phone call.

He called me from jail and told, you know, my mom talked to him and basically told him what I was doing. And it turned, you know, long story short, she kicked me out and she kicked me out with our dog. I had a Rottweiler, Roxy. And I slept on the F train going from Jamaica to Coney Island back and forth for a couple of weeks. And eventually I just bit the bullet and I went to my dad's and I told them I've been living on the street. I need a place to stay. And I don't know which was worse, living on the street or having to, you know, swallow that pill and go into my dad and saying I need help because I didn't, I didn't want help.

I remember my best friend to this day, Tim, he slept on the train with me one night. I couldn't believe you'd do it. But he was like, I'm not going to leave you here. And the conductor would walk, wake us up. We'd switch every time you got to Jamaica. You switch to the other side, go back to Coney Island, get woken up by the conductor again, back and forth. Do you think that moment prepared you for later on in your life? Yeah.

I think that that durability that it presented in me I guess or the there's the I don't want to call it strength it was more like you know I could deal with anything I can go through this if I went through this I could go through anything I remember in Stillwell Avenue Coney Island with my Rottweiler standing outside of McDonald's back when they had them the dollar menu just telling you know i'm on the street i'm just trying to feed my dog a couple people give me dollar menu nuggets dollar menu fries fed i fed my dog first and then when i could eat i would eat and then eventually when i joined the military boot camp i was like this is nothing

everything that came after was nothing after that uh that experience i guess now i know you said your mom wanted you to be a lawyer what did you want to be before the military was ever in your mind I always thought I was going to go pro and boxing. That wasn't going to happen. I was a good street fighter. Boxing. Even the fire department. I know we're not up to that yet, but even that,

I didn't even know if that was in my mind yet. I wanted to please. And my mom wanted me to be a lawyer. So I was like, all right, I'm going to be a lawyer. I went to John Jay College. And I was like, this is not for me. And every time she thought I was going to class, I was actually at the recruiters all.

I used to get those pieces of paper from the recruiter that said he's excused because he's joining the military. So I guess lawyer would be the answer because I just wanted to make her happy. What interested you about the military the most? Well, like I said, 9-11 happened when I was in seventh grade. And I kind of took it personally a little bit. I could see the Twin Towers from our apartment in Park Slope. And then I could see the cloud of smoke that lasted over weeks. Like, I mean, a week later, you still saw that cloud of smoke from that, the fourth

floor of our apartment. That pointed me in the direction, but part of me was still like, all right, I'll, let me see if I can do college. Let me see if I could do this. And eventually, I was just like, no. I felt like something was missing and I had so much aggression that I needed to let out

and eventually the Army was the best thing for me What was the final straw for college? I want to say it was it a sociology class that I was in and I was just going through the motions

you know you're reading what they're telling you to read you're doing this, you're doing that and I was just like this doesn't make any sense to me. This isn't going to teach me anything. This isn't going to point me in any direction. I had already worked, I think, two or three jobs at that point where I'm sitting with kids, you know, that have never worked. This is just, we're continuing school for them. I had two or three jobs at that point. And I didn't feel like I was sitting with my peers, if that makes

sense. And I wanted to be around people that actually made sense to me. You know, college is great for girls, at least for me, I was like, all right, this isn't so bad, there's girls everywhere. But other than that, it just, it didn't stick. I ended up going later and, you know, going to nursing school and stuff like that. But at that time, I just really needed to, I needed to do something physically, I guess, is the answer. Were you afraid to join the military? No, I was excited. I was so excited. I remember I went, the recruiter office was in Bay Ridge 86th Street and 4th Avenue and left was the Marines right was the Army I went to the Marines first I spoke to them said everything I wanted to hear

but they said that boot camp didn't leave until I think it was May of 2008 spoke to the Army all I said was I want to go to a combat unit they said we can ship you out next month and my my enlistment date is December 17th, 2007. So a month later, I was out. How'd your mom react when you told her? She said that the military is for people that are going nowhere in life. And you have the options to go somewhere. And I get where she was coming from.

She felt just like I would feel for my kids. She felt that she had worked so hard. Why are you doing this when you can do anything else? anything else in the world but you're doing this and to this day I don't regret the decision it was the best decision I ever made in my life tell us about boot camp uh it was funny it was funny it was funny to miss it after it was over but uh you know you get there and you're you start at reception you get they're giving you your shots they're shaving your head they're doing all that And I remember I got into a lot of trouble the first week because they said we were supposed to start boot camp at the end of that week.

And the drill sergeants had messed something up. And they said, you're going to start next week now. My stupid ass, I open my mouth. And I'm like, yeah, because the drill sergeants didn't do their job. Everybody got smoked. Everybody got in trouble. And everybody knew it was me. So then we get back to the barracks and everybody's in my face.

Like, the fuck is wrong with you. Shut your mouth. You don't know how to do this. It's like, no, I don't know how to do this. I just got here. Nobody knows how to do this yet. But after that, it just kind of went smooth sailing. I became a squad leader.

Then I lost the squad leader position because I got in trouble. What do you do? When you get to boot camp, they have this painted line. It's a square. It's called the kill zone. And you're not, none of the privates are allowed to step in the kill zone. So you have about a foot of space between your bunk and the kill zone. zone. I don't know what I was thinking or if I wasn't thinking but I just walked, it was time to

take a shower. I walked right into the kill zone. Walked right through. I started beelining for the shower and I just saw everybody staring behind me like they were looking at something. Didn't know what it was. Ended up being the drill sergeant. He saw me in the kill zone. Grab one of those plastic like school chairs, but the ones that have the metal legs. and launched it. I don't remember anything. I just woke up. I had ice packs under my balls, under my knees, under my armpits, and behind my head.

And I get up and they were like, one of the other guys was there. And he was like, yeah, I was ordered to sit here and watch you to make sure that you didn't seize or anything. And I was like, what happened? He was like, the drill sergeant launched a chair at you. And he was like, it didn't even roll. He was like the thing just went straight and hit you right in the back of the head and you were knocked out The only time in my life I've ever been knocked out besides explosions overseas, but that doesn't count This is like a hit and knocking me out and I noticed on my shoulder that my patch was gone

Somebody else had it now because they give you like a little squad leader patch I was like all right I didn't think anything of it but I got demoted my first three weeks into the army this isn't this is in a good start. Did you like being a leader? No, not in the beginning. I didn't like the responsibility. I just wanted to focus on me. And then eventually it, I don't know if it grows on you or what happens, but the military has its way of

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You know, when somebody fucked up or when somebody was just making your entire platoon lack something, and now, you know, basic training is huge on mass punishment. I didn't want everybody to get in trouble for somebody doing something wrong. And one of the biggest things that I think I took out of the military was never making the same mistake twice. I made that mistake once. I got hit in the back of the head. I got demoted.

Never made it again. So when everybody else, when anybody else made it, I wanted to like strangle them. You know, we had one kid that got kicked out of boot camp because he just refused to train. He was like, I'm done.

I'm not doing this anymore. And we got in trouble every morning and every night because of him. And it got to the point where we were like, all right, we're going to kick the shit at him. But that was the hardest part,

dealing with other people's personalities. Sounds like prison. You're not the first person to tell me that. Everybody tells me, like, the military in prisons. Like, even in Afghanistan, you got three choices over there. You know, you do your job. You do your mission. But you can either work out.

You can read or you can watch whatever movies you have on your little hard drive and stuff like that. Obviously, you guys don't have hard. Well, now, I don't know what they have in prison. But back when you went, I don't know if you guys. No, we had nothing. We had TVs. Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Now they're living the life. Yeah, I see they got cameras, they got everything they want in there. Tablets, the tablets is the craziest thing. I guess some tablets must have social media because you see some celebrities using social media from prison. Yeah, it's insane. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with it because I've, I got plenty of friends. I got a couple of friends that are still doing time. I got one friend that's never getting back out.

He wanted to go back the second he came out. He just couldn't deal with civilians. a life and that's the same thing that we go through we come home i came home from my first tour in 2013 by 2014 i was signing up for another one i just couldn't deal with being home because you don't have to deal with everybody's emotions you don't have to do you just have to do your job over there and everybody at home is just like okay i hope he comes back you don't have to experience that though so it was uh it's it's a weird transition and i I'm sure it was for you, too. It's not comfortable.

Where'd they send you for your first tour? Afghanistan. What happens the second you touched down over there? The second we touched down, we landed in Bagram, and at that time, that was 2012, they were doing combat landings, which is, so to avoid RPGs. So, you know, you're flying, and the landing strip could be here. You don't want them to get a beat on you, I guess. So we went kind of like this at a point and then pulled up and then landed. I have the picture. I got to send it to you.

But we just looked like we were canned in like sardines. We were all just crunched up. We had our rucksacks on our laps. And we landed on load. They go straight into this is what you can't go near. You know, they had like some viper out there. If this bites you, we don't have a, we don't have any. solution, you're going to die.

And then I remember in the middle of their IED lanes spiel, you know, they walk you through and say, you know, look out for this. If you see like a pile of rocks that could be assigned for, there might be an IED because they use that as a visual aid for detonating IEDs. So they're like, all right, when the truck passes, that pile of rocks hit the, hit the button. And then during that, all of a sudden, the alarms go off. and they start screaming at us, get down, and fucking four mortars just fly in.

And at that time, that base, I don't know if they had the C-Rams. C-Rams are something that shoots down mortars. It's like a Gatling gun that just finds it, hits it, and tries to deflect it or shoot it out of the sky. All four of those mortars landed that day. I don't know what was going on with the C-RAM. But I remember the guy, I heard that. the whistle of the first one coming in and the guy that was instructing us on the IED lane

was like hold your ears and open your mouth because I guess he could tell how close by the whistle which I learned later with experience but it was coming in close and if that explosion goes off too loud it could pop everything and you know your ear drums and all that four landed nothing bad happened but I'm looking around and everybody's like okay this is this is This is real. This is exactly what we expected to happen. And 2012, it went off from there. Didn't go uphill.

I mean, it didn't go downhill. It didn't go downhill. It was a uphill march because of our rules of engagement was one. And it was, you know, we had a lot of unexperienced people for that first deployment. So there was a five-year gap between when you joined when you actually got deployed? Yes. 2007 and 2000 and i got deployed 2011 but i didn't get back till 2013 so yeah it was a it was a big gap um i had volunteered for a bunch that's another thing that can happen you can volunteer and get

shipped off to a unit that has nothing to do with the job that you signed up for or you can get deployed with your unit that first year i got deployed with my unit ended up getting kicked out of my unit for the whole deployment the whole deployment but yeah that and that was my own fault too what was your mission when you guys got there like your individual unit uh so our mission was force protection um route clearance force protection is basically like putting up concrete barriers setting up the guard towers and all that is basically fortifying a base route clearance is is going down routes that we are going to eventually use to go on missions and make sure there's no IEDs.

That's what a combat engineer does. They go down and it's all about bombs, but it's not like EOD or any of that stuff. You're just looking for bombs. That's why I like one of the memes that recently or that came out. You can't trust a guy who signed up for a job where his job is to get blown up. And that's basically what we signed up for. Our job was to get blown up because you're trying to find the bomb. And if you don't find the bomb, the bomb finds you.

But your mission is accomplished because you found it. It went off. It just went off on you. Did you ever have a close scenario involving you? Yeah, a couple. We had three trigger debts go off from the side. And those three were while I was in the gunner's turret. I only count the ones that I was actually exposed to.

So the three trigger debts, which are, they are visually watching you, and they'll blow up a bomb from the side, and you just have to hope it's not, I forget the name of the bomb, but it's a copper bomb that goes through our MRAPs. It's heated copper, and it rips right through like a hot knife through butter. Those three were not, thank God. It was just regular IEDs, and, you know, you get a concussion, you get a headache, and you just, you just, you just. drive on the other two were pressure plate and the pressure plate IEDs the wheel goes over it pushes down and the truck goes up and those are bad I think the worst situation I was in wasn't even any of those five it was a line drive RPG at a a blackout base we were on a base where you couldn't wear a name

You can't wear anything because we were in a highly territorial Taliban and ISIS or tal. I don't remember which one it was, but couldn't wear anything. So basically you're walking around a t-shirt all day. They don't want to see your last name. They don't want to see US Army, nothing. And while we were doing the HESCO barriers, which are basically sheet metal and cloth that we fill with rocks, RPG hits that usually doesn't go through. through as I'm guiding the crane and telling them, you know, a little bit left, a little bit

right, all of a sudden the alarm goes off and I hear the whistle like I was telling you before. And I see the fucking, you're hearing it and seeing it at the same time. I'm 16 feet up on a double stack of HESCO barriers. So I'm about 16, 15, 16 feet in the air. My only option, I wasn't climbing down slow. So my only option was to jump. because when the RPGs hit, the shrapnel goes up. So I was in the worst place possible.

Jumped off. I landed on my right side. My head smacked off the ground. And I was out of it for a few days. I didn't have to do. The only thing I got a week off, but I was in so much pain. And to this day, I still get the migraines. If I ever have a flashback, like the other day, I woke up.

I had a migraine just because I had a dream about that day. So that was probably the scariest out of anything. Does the moment after a situation like that, are you questioning being there to begin with? Does it make you want to return home? The only time I questioned, what am I doing was, again, in 2012, 2012, when I got sent away from my unit, because I got into an argument with my platoon leader, which is a lieutenant, he sent me to go do what they called the Guardian Angel program, which was American and NATO forces training the Afghan police and Afghan National Army, A&A and P.

and while we were there my first month there a bunch of Australian soldiers were mowed down by one of the guys they were training so this was like I think I was like two months into my first deployment and they're like all right your job is to do what these 10 guys just got well I think three got killed and seven got critically injured but they're like all right your job is to do what they were just doing And I was like, what the f? I mean, can we figure out a better way to do this? And because of the administration at that time, which was Obama, nothing against him either, it was all hearts and minds. Just because that guy that did that was bad doesn't mean that all of them are bad, which is true. Not all of the Afghan army or Afghani police people were bad.

even the one guy that day that did that, it was because the Taliban had his family hostage. So they said, you go do this or we're going to murder your family. So, you know, it's a losing battle when you're fighting like that. I lost five brothers in 2012. I lost zero in 2017 for my second deployment during Trump's administration, but that was because the rules of engagement were different. You see a weapon, you're cleared to shoot. Obama's rules of engagement where the weapon has to be pointed at you in order for you to be cleared to shoot.

And who do those rules of engagement come by? Is that like Congress passes a rule or is that the military generals? How does that work? As far as we go, it comes from commander-in-chief, which is the president. But, of course, everybody has advisors. You have advisors for your job. I'm sure somebody advised the first president, you know, Obama at that time, this is what we should do. And I'm sure somebody advised Trump.

I don't know if he's advisable, but I'm sure somebody told him, this is what we should do. And he was probably like, no, I don't want nobody coming. Like, I got to be honest, 2017, not a lot of guys died 2012. I mean, just from my mission alone, which was the Guardian Angel program, 42 Americans died that year. And you think that was strictly because of the rules of engagement? We were softer. If you're softer on anybody, they see it. it doesn't take long to notice it.

And then you're there for, you know, for me it was first deployment was 13 months, second deployment was 15 months. And they pick up on everything, you know, that this hyper vigilance that I developed because of the military came from trying not to get caught off guard by these people. So aside from getting kicked off your unit that first deployment did any other issues happen? Yeah. Yeah. When I was sent, I was sent away from my guys and I went to Urzgan province, Afghanistan to work with the Australians to do the Guardian Angel program. And I was sent with four other American soldiers that I never met before in my life. Didn't know who they were. And while there, I reported to Australian Command now instead of my guys. My highest ranking person, yeah, my highest ranking guy was a sergeant first class at the time. Their guy was a warrant officer, which is basically a little bit higher than a lieutenant or can be in certain cases.

One day, I don't really remember what happened, but I had this disgusting, like, breakout on my back. They weren't sure what it was from, but I was on basically like sick hall, medical leave. And I had to report to the med bay at like 0 930. At the same time, my barracks, where my barracks were at, you know, time difference, I was FaceTiming somebody at home, a girl I was talking to at the time. And while I was facetiming her, the Australians that I worked for were moving out of their barracks to move into barracks closer to where we worked. The Warren officer saw me on FaceTime outside my barracks,

and I guess he just thought that I was just not coming to work that day, or I don't know what happened. But as I'm talking to her, all of a sudden I started getting yelled at, screamed at from the side. So, you know, I'm young. I think I was 22 at that time. And I'm like, is this fucking guy yelling at me right now in front of this girl? even though she's 6,000 miles away, I was still, I felt it was very disrespectful.

So I said, hold on one second. I took the laptop. I said, I got to go. Slammed it. I, uh, sorry. Slammed it. I put it. I threw it on my hooch.

I remember. And I remember I was outside in civilian clothes. I had my Yankees hat on backwards. I used to wear it on a fucking slant like that. And I came right outside and I got right in his face. And as soon as I got close enough to him, he put his hands on me first. But it wasn't in a crazy. He was keeping his distance, which I understand.

He was like, you're too fucking close. And at that time, I wasn't this size. He was maybe 165 pounds soaking wet. Soon as he pushed me, I went right into the Hesco barriers that were protecting our barracks at the time. And as soon as my back hit it, I just bounced off of it. I went straight with a right. And shit went downhill from there.

I hit him. he came back at me he didn't punch me but he was trying to restrain me i was losing my shit his soldiers the australian guys they all jumped on me my guys came running out of the barracks they all started pushing everybody away and i never forget when my heart sank when he was like i want i want i want to press charges on him i want the mps i want the mps you started going off and i was like fuck you fuck this up to that's the first thing i thought i was like how do you join the army you're doing everything you're supposed to do you're doing everything right and then now you fuck this up to MPs came uh everybody explained their version of the story and then they just handcuffed me

put me in the humvee put me in a holding cell on that base and i was there for about a week and do they charge you in that moment no not in that moment Everything has to make its rounds. So my leadership was trying to talk to him and saying, listen, we don't need to ruin this guy's career. What can we do to make this right? Because he admitted, he was like, oh, I didn't know he was supposed to go to sick hall today.

I didn't know anything that was going on. He just thought that I was like, nah, I'm not helping. You know what I mean? And that guy was like, no. He hit me. I'm an officer. He's a not, he's a enlisted. That's what we were called enlisted because I was a specialist at the time.

He's being brought up on charges. The base commander, the Australian commander and my leadership, which was compared to everybody in this room, my leadership was nobody. He's the pawn compared to all these high ranks. And I spent a week not knowing what was going to happen. What's that holdings out like after getting arrested by MPs? So on that base, it's basically a, I don't know if you know what a connex is. Shipping container?

Mm-hmm. So a shipping container that they, you know, they cut holes into, make windows and do all this stuff because honestly it's pretty good against mortars. That's why they use them. And it's normal bars, shitty bed. It was like a wooden piece. of wood with four legs and a a PT mat, which is maybe like this thick. And then you get two to three meals a day. I don't remember if I got two or three every day. But everybody, every MP that's

in there, because I was the only one in there. I was the only one in the cell that had an American uniform on. They were like, they treat you like shit because they're like, I don't know what he did. But he's obviously a piece of shit. And mostly over there, when you're in that cell, it's usually for like a sexual assault crime or something. I can't tell you how many of those happen over there. Or soldiers are assaulting other soldiers and things like that. Men against women?

Yes. Yeah. My second tour, two Marines got locked up. I think they're still in Leavenworth to this day because it was a civilian, a civilian contractor female, that they attacked. I actually interviewed a guy whose His story goes

He was in the military His ex-girlfriend reported or his ex-wife reported that he assaulted her And they charged him In the military And he went to a military prison For two years for that

Ruined his whole career over it And then that Anything can go wrong Any time that you end up in that position There is no All right this might happen Or this no It's your

You're always worst case scenario because it's the military. You know, the first thing they tell you is if we kick you out of here, you can't even get a job of McDonald's, which probably isn't true. But it scares the shit out of you. So how do you guys look at MPs, like regular soldiers? I look at them as assholes. You look at them like, all right, they're running around like they have more power than you. No matter your rank, you know, you could be a first sergeant and an MP who's just a sergeant. and pull you over, they have the power at that point because they, whether it's a legal stop

or not, but sometimes they can abuse it. Like when I was in that holding cell, I remember one guy was super cool to me. I think it was Garcia, ended up being from Newark, New Jersey. So, you know, right there talking to him about Brooklyn, he's talking to me about Newark. And another guy came who was a country boy from, I want to say Oklahoma. but he just was like I remember he would always give me my meals late so that they weren't warm they were cold

and he did it on purpose because he, you know, just wanted to be a dick. Wouldn't they know though that you were there for fighting and not for anything other than that? I think the guys above them know so if you have like a specialist or a sergeant watching you his leadership definitely knows why you're in that cell

whether they tell it or not, I don't know. I don't know what they're legally allowed to tell the other soldiers, you know what I mean? Because honestly, if I was an MP and I found out the guy in the cell is there because he's sexually assaulted a woman, I'd probably treat him like shit too. And in my head, I'm like, I kept saying, I'm here because I fucking punched a warrant officer. Like, why are you being a dick to me? But a lot of guys, they don't give a shit about what you have to say. They have their own agenda. What was the food they were giving you?

Is it the same that a regular person would eat? Yes. Yeah. Well, some days I got food from the chow-hole and other days I got MREs, which is the, you know, the meals ready to eat. Other days I got that. It was hit or miss. Why would they switch? I still to this day have no idea.

You're like they were just scrowing with you? I know Garcia gave me hot meals. I know Oklahoma gave me fucking MREs most of the time. but sometimes he gave me hot meals too. So, I mean, the regular meals. What do you think was the worst experience being in a cell like that for the first time? Not knowing. I didn't know it was only going to be in there a week.

I thought I thought I was going from here to Bagram to the States, and I was going to Leavenworth, put my hands on an officer. And I remember the day they told me, all right, we're moving you. I got out. I was still in cuffs and I was I was thought this was it. All right. My military career is over. I fucked up.

And they ended up taking me to the commander's office, the commander of the base. Because if the warrant officer that day had kept it, which has happened plenty of times in military, you keep it under wraps, can handle it amongst yourselves. The minute you involve the MPs and everybody else now, the commander of that base, which was a colonel, American colonel, no less, which sucks, for me at least. You know, now everybody's involved. Now there's a paper trail. And I remember leaving, I remember when they took me out that day, I was like, I fucked up. You know, my life is over. Wanted to cry. I didn't. I remember I was biting the inside of my fucking cheek so hard, just trying to hold it back. because I just didn't know what I was going to do after. I'm like, am I going to go home now?

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and the only thing that helped me like kind of relax was no lawyers. There were no JAG officers. And that was the first thing that my sergeant first class, my leadership told me, he's like, there's no JAG officers here. You might be good. Because if there's a JAG officer, that means we're going to trial. They basically, you know, the warrant officer thought, the guy that it had thought that the doc, the Article 15,

which is you get docked the month's pay, two weeks to a month. I don't remember how much it was at that time, but you basically, you're not getting paid for the next two weeks to four weeks. And it was kind of like a stain, I guess, on my record, too. Because I didn't get promoted for the next five years. That was, every time I wanted to get promoted, they were like, no, unpromotable right now. And then five years later, I finally got my stripes and got promoted.

it's a sergeant. How'd the rest of your team respond after you got released? They, uh, well, the one guy I was close to was my sergeant first class. And, uh, he was like, you know, it is what it is. He was a cool guy. He was like, he was like a decent like shit happens type of guy. Uh, the other three kind of thought that I was fucking up a good thing that they had. Because they liked working at this base.

It was a nice setup. They had a decent gym, had decent food. You know, nobody wanted to go to the American base with the shit food. They're like, no, let's stay on the Australian base with the good food. And they thought that I was going to fuck up their thing. So from that point on, they kind of treated me like shit. And then on top of it, my sergeant first class gets called to fucking, he gets called to Kandahar. And I'm there on my own now with these three guys that don't like me.

I remember the day that I left that base and went to Canada Hard to go work. They basically wanted me to take what I learned with the Guardian Angel program and bring it now to the guys from my unit. I got reunited with my guys. They're like, all right, what did the Australians do? And basically like that, the day that I got sent back, I had about, I want to say, 900 pounds of gear. and I remember I'm walking with duffel bags, rucksack, everything, and I'm going maybe five inches a step because they wouldn't help me move.

They had a truck, and I'm trying to walk to the airport on base, and some civilian contractor saw me as I was walking. He was like, you need a lift. I'm like, you wouldn't believe it right now. So my first deployment was my worst deployment. It sucked. How did the Australians treat you after that? From that unit, I remember only one guy was cool with me.

He's like, that guy's a dick. Fuck him. But everybody else was like, they just kind of thought I was a cowboy. They were like, you know, fucking American cowboy putting hands on officers. We don't do that in the Australian Army. I was young. I was 22. I made mistakes.

I made mistakes before that. I made mistakes there. And the only thing from that point on is I always kept. trying to say that all right don't make the same mistake twice don't make the same mistake twice and i kept i kept repeating that to myself did you have any more issues at tour um no not that tour no i don't think so uh just with like the uh the afghanis but not with the american or australian military it was just uh you know after you know my second month there with the Australian guys getting mowed down by the Afghan army guy.

I just kept, you know, trying to keep my eyes open with people. And the only other issue I ran into was I remember I sat on a box. I don't know what was in the box, but they had their Afghani writing on it. And as soon as I sat on it, one of these Afghani soldiers started yelling at me, like in my face. and that caused an issue because you know i jumped up i took my rifle i fucking pushed them and the uh the interpreter said that oh it's disrespectful to sit on where they write and at my head i was like i think they're just making up religious rules now i don't i don't know never heard about that before sitting on somebody's writing is disrespectful but other than that no um uh

because once i left i think it was only three months left in my deployment And I was back with my boys. Tell us what it was like once you got home after that first deployment. Bad. And nothing good, really. I locked myself in a room. I didn't know how to, you go from that, and I'm sure you can understand. You go from this lifestyle and to now being surrounded by people that don't understand it.

So civilian life didn't stick at all. I remember I came home, I signed up for unemployment right away, and I just, I locked myself in my room, I was drinking. I didn't really go anywhere. The one night I went out, I had a panic attack. I had my back up against the wall. I was watching the door, I'm watching people, and I had a panic attack that night. And I remember I went home, I was like, I'm not going out again. And my mother contacted my cousin, who was...

cousin who was a he was a paramedic at the time and he was doing mixed martial arts and came to the house one day and he was just like you know just come to the gym with me come to the gym with me months and i fell in love with mixed martial arts right after that i just ended up training like an animal and eventually started getting my life a little bit together but that first six months i just i didn't want to do i want to deal with anybody all i kept doing was looking up different deployments I could sign up for to get out of here. Did you have problems with alcohol or drugs before you left? No. I drank, like I said, when I came home that first time, I was in my room. I was drinking.

I was playing video games, pass out, wake up. I'm getting unemployment. I wasn't really looking for a job, but, you know, they make you go look. But I was drinking a lot at that time. I think it was the first six months. Once I started training, I stopped. I had a very good mindset. set on keeping my shit together for my purpose. If I had a purpose, I would aim at it and I would hit it. So I was very good with that. Unfortunately, the same cousin that introduced me to MMA was the same. I never did drugs before that either.

I hustled, but I didn't touch anything. I didn't even smoke weed. Didn't touch anything. and I remember it was New Year's 2013 and we were at a club in Manhattan rooftop lounge and everybody's got their hands out in the middle of this circle and my cousin was like yeah yeah put your hand up I put something in my hand and I looked at it and I looked at him and I'm like Tommy I'm not snorting this shit he's like you don't snort it you idiot you lick it it was Molly From that point on, Molly was my favorite thing in the world for like eight months.

Eight months, I was just like every weekend I would go out and I would take Molly because it took all the anxiety. All that back up against the wall stuff was out the window. And I was just finally having a good time. In your mind, whereas your plan to go get deployed again? Yes. It was always that. So why do you think you even risk that with drugs? Well, certain things don't last in your system that.

long. One of the big reasons why, you know, everybody around me is smoking weed, but, you know, Mali, Percocets, they, they don't last in your system that long. So I'm not smoking weed, but I'll take this stuff. And then at the time, I had transferred into the reserves. So now I'm in the reserves. So only once a month I'm getting piss tested. Three weeks out of the month, I would, you know, have fun. And then that last week, I wouldn't. But I was still in great shape. I was still doing everything I was supposed to do. I was on top of my shit. I eventually ended up going to EMT school and getting my EMT certificate. And then from there, I shifted straight to college and going to nursing school. At that time period, do you think you were abusing Molly?

The first eight months for sure. I wouldn't go anywhere without it because it was like, I don't know, I felt like I couldn't go out unless I had something that made me. me feel like everything was going to be okay. So the first eight months for sure, I think I would pretty much buy it every weekend, almost. The feelings and the thoughts you had once you got back from that first deployment, did you ever talk to anyone about them? No. No, held it all in. Not even, I didn't talk about it even with my mother until after my second deployment, but I didn't talk about it with anybody. Why do you think that was? was nobody would understand you know you go to the VA you have these doctors talking to you and I

remember one of the doctors the first and last appointment I had with this person and they're talking to me about my feelings and this and the stuff I went through and I was and I looked at him I'm like doc how many deployments you've been on like oh no I'm a civilian so what are we talking about how can you relate to me or how can you help me if you have no idea what I've been through And the only therapy I've ever gotten in the past few years that was decent was homeless vets. I'm not even choking because I remember with the fire department when I used to work down in downtown Brooklyn. There were these two homeless vets that were underneath the BQE. And that's usually where I would park for when I would go work light duty there.

pick up a six-pack of corona and a pie of pizza. And I would sit with them. Both were Vietnam vets. And I would sit with them and I would talk with them and I would come home with the biggest smile on my face. Like I had just gotten so much off my shoulders. But when I first got home, there was nobody that I would talk to about the stuff I've been through. There just wasn't something I was comfortable doing. What was your state of mind when you got that call for your second deployment?

I was excited. I was so happy. The second deployment came up, kind of random. I had just, so I finished college, like my associates part of college, and I was going into Kingsborough's nursing program, and I did one semester of that, and the fire department called me. And I went to the FDMI Academy in December of 2015. And did the academy, got stationed at my firehouse, and January of 2017. So I got to my firehouse May of 2016. January of 2017 is when I got the call that I was getting deployed.

And I couldn't have been happier. I hated that firehouse. I didn't like being there. I didn't like the people there. I think I got along with maybe 10, of the 40 guys, 45 guys that worked there. So it was just that that deployment came like a saving grace. And where was this deployment to?

Afghanistan again. Yeah. Wasn't as bad as the first one. That's for sure. I mean, I have a friend that I talk to to this day. My brother for life, he lives in North Carolina. And I have a bunch of guys, you know, that deployment, I really, that leader, leadership thing that you were talking about earlier, that opened up.

I had been there, done that, and now I'm around these guys that haven't been there and done that. So then that was the first step into the direction of, all right, this is what you can expect, things like that. On top of it, they had a rule that deployment that if you didn't pass your PT test, you weren't allowed to go to Afghanistan. Because in that deployment, instead of going directly to Afghanistan, we started in Kuwait, did 30 days of weather acclamation, and then went to Afghanistan. anybody that didn't pass their PT test couldn't go and I I worked with everybody that was failing and tried to get them there to make sure that they could go if they wanted to go. What do you mean by weather acclamation? So when you, you know, it's the elevation is way different than being in the States

and then it's also the, I think like six guys got nosebleeds day one there, just because of how high you are with the elevation and also the heat. You know, we left in January from New York to go to 113 degree weather in Kuwait. So they want you to acclimate before they start sending you into missions. They don't want you to pass out in the middle of a mission or something. So you spend 30 days acclimating. What was your mission focused, this deployment? This deployment, we focused on while they had me, they knew about my,

guardian angel program from the first deployment. So that was one of my missions. I had to protect my platoon sergeant while we were out. So I was basically like private security. I was standing by his side the whole time. Another thing was force protection. We were putting up all these barriers. We're doing putting up barriers, putting up C-Rams. I remember when we got to Nangahar Privants, they didn't have C-Ramps. So when a mortar comes in, it comes in. Another picture. I got to send to you. Fucking mortar hits, bounces off the floor and goes right into the barracks.

Just blows everything to shit. Dayland got hurt? They were on a mission. They were all out. And then besides that, route clearance here and there. But the second deployment was also cooler. It was, we were on a special forces base. You know, at that time, we were attached to Team 1.

We were assisting them with whatever they needed. You do your route clearance. You do your force protection. You know, I had a lot more fun my second deployment, which made me want to go back even more for a third one, but that didn't happen. What happened to your drug use on that second deployment? I didn't do anything.

You just put cold turkey? It wasn't even cold turkey. I wasn't... So, like the Mali and all that? Yeah. From there, I, you know, my cousin, he was doing amateur and mixed martial arts. I was his training partner. I would go to the gym with him every day.

I would train with him. He, you know, Molly was a party drug to him. For me, it was like, I can't go out without it at that time. Again, only lasted eight months of my, of 2013. Then one day while we were training, I fucking pop my ankle where we were doing, you know, normal stand up. for MMA stand-up is barefoot and I slipped on a p like a whatever a wet spot from sweat my ankle popped I couldn't really walk and gave me a percassette a banana the yellow ones and drank it I mean ate it I was drinking a corona and I remember watching him watching me he was like

waiting for it to hit because he knew I'd never taken anything like that as 10 milligram perk and then all of a sudden, like, I was like, this is the best feeling in the world. Again, didn't abuse it. You know, you're talking about 2013 to 2017, didn't abuse it. I was taking them, you know, like maybe every weekend or every time I go out, I would be like, all, I need a park before I go out. When my friend, Mark died, that's when I kind of upped. and he died six months, I think, before I deployed on the second one.

Those six months was really when I feel like I started my addiction. That's because I remember we would do the candlelight outside the store. I remember at one point I was like, I don't feel good. And I took a perk, and then I felt better. I was like, okay, I'm developing a habit now. It wasn't crazy. It wasn't like, I need this, I need this. I got deployed.

It didn't even feel like cold turkey. I remember going through the sweats a couple of nights, but it didn't feel like cold turkey. When I got home the second time, when I got home after the second deployment, though, I remember the minute I touched down, I was trying to figure out where I could get them. Why do you think that got triggered the minute you touched down?

I just, you know, I had already had alcohol. my staff she used to ship it over there how much does that cost oh no she she put it in shampoo bottles and she would seal it so the alcohol didn't trigger it you know sometimes when people drink they're like I want to do whatever drug of choice they have when I touched down though I was so scared because of how bad the first time went of coming home that I didn't tell anybody I was home. I touched down at JFK and I hopped in a yellow taxi and I said, I just need to go to the nearest hotel.

My mother was waiting for me. Everybody was like, Wednesday coming home and I stayed at the hotel that night. And I just stayed there and I tried to like decompress. And the only thing I kept thinking about was the only thing that's going to make me feel better is maybe a perk or something like that. It didn't still at that point was incredible. I was crazy. Went home the next day.

Everybody came to see me. Everybody's, you know, saying hi. It was kind of like a welcome home party type thing. Still didn't have it. And I think it was like 10 days into being home. I finally found somebody that had it and took it. And from there, I think I was kind of off to the races. I just, I didn't want to go anywhere without it.

I didn't want to meet new people, even like something like as simple as meeting you that day. Like, no, no, I can't, I can't meet him unless I numb myself. And the VA didn't really help with that at all because I remember when I got the prescription for the 30s, because obviously I started with tens, no big deal. Eventually, I got a prescription for the 30 milligram blue pills. Those used to make me sick. I remember my cousin, he did the 30s. I always did the 10s.

And he broke the 30 and quarters once. He's like, just take a quarter of it. Projectile vomit. Couldn't take it. Just I would throw up immensely. And then I got my script. It was 90 milligrams a day. And then a couple months later, it went up to 150 milligrams a day.

And at first I was taking them as prescribed because it was, you know, for all the injuries that I had from the deployments. and then the VA, I remember they called me for a check-in, and they were like, well, how's the nightmares? How's the PTSD symptoms? Anxiety when you're out, flashbacks, anything like that. And I was like, you know, now that you mention it, I don't remember the last time I had a flashback. And they were like, I remember the lady on the phone said,

yeah, oxycodone has been proven to alleviate PTSD symptoms. I guess because it numbs everything, the anxiety goes out the window and all that stuff. To me, that was an okay to start abusing it. And it went from 150 milligrams a day. At my worst, it was 1530s in the morning and 1530s around 7 o'clock. So 900 milligrams a day was the worst that I ever got with those. And I remember my first didn't rehab everybody didn't. believe me. They were like, no, you'd be dead. I wasn't. Fifteen, $900 a day habit. I was working

for the fire department, and I was working plumbing on the side. And just, you know, she's like, where's the money going? She didn't know about the drug habit at all? I think she had, uh, I think she had assumptions. Because she's like, how, I was borrowing money from her at one point. like oh i need 200 bucks or something and i would pay her back but she's like how is how does he money that he makes how does he need this with all the stuff that he's doing is the plumbing the fire department i remember i was doing security at one point and it's uh December of 2019 she was uh seven months pregnant with her daughter and i remember i had it in my head i was just going to end it all. I'm like, I'm not, I'm not going to be a father to a kid like my father was and be

an addict because Oxy is just heroin, but it's pharmaceutical heroin. And I was, I had a bunch of stuff, all these different prescriptions, and I was just going to end it all. And her and my sister-in-law called me. They got into a fight with my mother on the phone. And she was just like, I know you're addicted to drugs. I know there's something going on. And it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to hide it anymore.

I gave her the bank account, cards and stuff. And I remember December of 2019, she looked. I think I had $9,800 in cash withdrawals from the same bank that was right by my dealer that I used to go to. $9,800 in a month. It's just fucking ridiculous.

Yeah, that's a lot of money. I think it was like two weeks, but that was because I was getting paid cash from the plumbing. So I was just like, all right, here you go, here you go, here you go. I'd go from plumbing straight to the dealer because they were all right on the way home. At that time, my mother's place was in Rockaway. Plumbing was in Brooklyn. So on the way home from plumbing, dealers on Ocean Park. Take the exit. Turn right into the dry-through.

Nope. I'm making dinner tonight. You don't have time. Josh has practice. Oh, that's right. I'll just get a salad. And fries? No, just the salad. But salad cancels fries. Salad only. Fries.

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in the position where they don't necessarily want to be that person to say something to you if they notice something's off. Yeah. Um, I did. I think my cousin, the one that kind of introduced me to all this, I think he was the first one to tell my mother. Like, he's going to die with the amount that he's taken. And my mother wanted to tell my wife, but I told her she's pregnant. I don't want her stressed out. She's going to lose the baby. That's the addict in me saying, don't fucking leave it alone.

Realistically, she probably wouldn't have lost the baby, and maybe we could have fixed this a little sooner. But it was weird for a lot of people because, like I said, I never, I didn't drink. I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. It's not like I was like one of these kids had, you know, 18 years old trying to get drinks and stuff. I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. I never smoked weed until I was already in my addiction. I never touched any of it. You know, that whole never get high on your own supply situation.

So I didn't touch anything So I think it was shocking to a lot of people When they were like, no, not Vic You know Not the one that you know Not my nephew that joined the army You know all that stuff Do you think if you never tried Molly

You never would have been addicted to the painkillers Or do you think that would have been inevitable No I think it would have been inevitable I've been to rehab Four or five times everybody that I've met in rehab is addicted to everything if they can't get Molly they'll get Coke if they can't get Coke they'll get perks whatever you know what I mean

I found one thing that fixed me and that was opioids I can I can have a drink and not go down the rabbit hole I've tried other things too it wasn't for me the only thing that I felt like fixed me and I say that literally I felt like it fixed everything it the anxiety was gone all this stuff that I had gotten from Afghanistan was gone you know you come home you feel like you don't belong you feel like all this all this pressure to now do better like oh you're the soldier that came home and you know you you did all this stuff that our family is

never done now you got to keep going and I'm in my head I was like no that's the plateau I did it. I did better than everybody already. And the opioids fixed kind of all of it. What flashback do you think replayed the most in your mind from Afghanistan when you got back from that second tour? 14-year-old suicide bomber. Pulled up to a town in Urasgon province in 2012. And as they were dismounting, two of the guys were dismounting, um, kid, you know, they always come up to you. All these kids always come up to you.

You know, we have like beef jerky or candy or something like that, and they're expecting it, you know, no offense to them. I don't mean this as a bad or negative analogy, but kind of like stray dogs. They know you're coming. They know you're going to have something good for them because we're trying to, at that time, hearts and minds. We're trying to please the people. And the whole crowd of kids are there and one kid walks up.

I'm in the gunner's turret. I wasn't dismounted or anything. But one kid walks up and fucking whole thing goes up. All the kids and two of our guys killed. That one goes through my head a lot. That one, you know, a lot of people don't understand that military age male over there in the Middle East is anywhere between. between it could be a big 10-year-old or a small 13-year-old, but it's still kids.

And then you never know, too, you know, because I had a decent relationship with our interpreter, Najib, and he'd say, he said, you know, sometimes they don't know. The Taliban comes up to them, puts the vest on them, tells them it's nothing, and says, go get something from the Americans. So they're not, sometimes those kids aren't even holding the detonator. The guy in the fucking woodline is holding the detonator. So it's, uh, war has a crazy way of making you grow up really fucking fast. When do you think rock bottom hit you in your addiction?

Uh, is, I want to say, you know, everybody says that every time it hits, there's another one. that's my biggest fear that's always going to happen again but my the worst I got or it's actually a two-part to this the worst I got was there was a time where she had my wife gotten fed up she left she she went back to her sister so I'm now in our apartment alone so I got clean I wanted my family back my daughter was already born in that point my oldest daughter Celeste she was still living with us and I got my shit together and one night she said I'm coming home she's all right I'm gonna come home and she had everything set up she said Celeste is gonna bring a friend over they wanted to do some some type of painting

so I laid out garbage bags on the floor I was I was so excited that they were finally coming home and then the anxiety kicked in what if you're gonna fuck this up again and all that and I remember I was reporting to the FD and what the fire department is crazy helpful with things like this because they know what we see every day and they know a lot of firefighters are veterans too so they already have their own issues that they come on board with and I went in that day and I told them that I don't know what's going on it was 8 o'clock in the morning I was like I don't know what's going on and I remember I was in tears and I think I want to kill myself and they spoke with me That whole day, which you're usually supposed to do, like, you know, they have the yoga and then the group meeting. That whole day, they just spoke with me. And they called this therapist that I was at that time, it was Zoom. And they were like, all right, he's going to go home. And he's going to call you and then you're going to check in with us.

But they never called Steph, which to this day, she holds over their head. They never called her and let her know that I was suicidal that day. On my way home, I stopped. and I picked up and when I got home I still fought it I spoke to the therapist I was telling her I gave her the bullshit

spiel like oh yeah everything's fine now I was just feeling a little you know a certain type of way and after she got off the phone I went and I did my thing you know crushed it up one of them

that I picked up had fentanyl in it and I felt it almost within 10 or 15 minutes that something was wrong. So then I go to the bathroom and I look in the mirror and Steph wasn't supposed to be at the house until about nine. This was at, I want to say 6 o'clock and I could tell in the mirror. And, you know, an addict is like, no, no, no, I'm not high. You could fight it. I looked in the mirror and I was like, I could fucking tell I'm high and she's going to come home.

And that's it. I'm going to lose everything all over again. So I took the rest of them. I was like, well, you had this plan this morning. Might as well see it through. Took the rest of them, crushed them up right on the bathroom, snorted it. And I was looking at pictures of my family, and I sat down on the edge of my bed, and that's the last thing I remember. She came home kind of like laughing because she could hear me snoring.

She's like, oh, he must be exhausted. Everything was set up. the garbage bags on the floor for the girls to paint all that and uh she was like all right i'm gonna let him sleep and i guess at one point the snoring stopped and then she was on face time with her sister and she was like i don't know if there's something wrong she uh she lifted my lip my gums were black my fingernails were purple i was i was gone and she called 911 uh They came in. I remember talked to the paramedics after they hit me with Narcan twice up the nose Didn't work wasn't coming back. So then they gave me the intravenous one

And all of a sudden I jumped up I didn't know where I'm looking around like what's going on And you know the paramedics like what's up bud you OD'd remember this first thing he said to me. I'm like that's not what I want to hear right now Yeah And I remember looking at my wife and I'll never get that look off her face. Like I see it to this day. The disappointment. Like this is the day she was supposed to come back. This is the day you're supposed to fix everything.

And you fucked it up. And I went to the hospital and at first I was lying and I was like, oh, I don't know what happened, this and that. And then finally I just told the doctor truth. I was like I tried to kill myself. And I remember at the hospital, I guess they didn't search me. So I still had more. A little Ziploc bag in my pocket. You know, the mindset of an addict, I went straight for it.

And I guess because I was still hooked up to everything. The nurses knew something was wrong. My heart levels and everything dropped. And she searched my stuff and she found it. And, you know, she told her, she told Steph. And I went from there to a psych ward. And from the psych ward, Stephanie had found a place up in Lake Placid, the Adirondacks, St. Joseph's Rehabilitation Center for Veterans Only, just for vets, nobody else.

Because she understood what everybody else didn't. You don't need to fix the addiction. He wasn't an addict, you know, from stuff. You need to fix the PTSD. And that's what basically that they fixed. I was there for four months. Not before my other felony, but that was the other thing that happened. So that was part two.

I'm sorry, that was part two. I had gone up there and on the second week, the job called me, the fire department said, we need you to come back for a week. They had to redo something. I had to sign paperwork. They had to reissue me, medical leave. again the fire department was super helpful they they took care of me they took care of my family that whole time on that week that I was home I got high again I got lucky again with a

fentanyl pill and I was on 95 north driving I honestly don't remember I was I remember on the way I was like all right I'm only 45 minutes away from home quick and I woke up to a police officer giving me chest compressions in a shopping center. Kind of like what you have outside. And he was like, you're all right, bud, you're all right? And, you know, I have my military stuff in my windshield and stuff. So I guess he was being very nice to me, even though he could tell that there was something wrong. He had given me Narcan again twice and then started chest compressions because he said he couldn't feel a heartbeat.

Because I remember my chest was killing me. I thought he broke my ribs. and they said that I was on 95 north. I OD'd behind the wheel and I was going northbound on 95 south. And that they had eight or nine, 911 calls about somebody driving the wrong way on the highway. I ended up, there must have been some type of light on in there. I don't remember any of this, but something must have been on because they said that I went down and on ramp on 95.

while going north and I hit some lady's car and then from there just bounced off the car into the shopping center all of a sudden came to a stop they think that my foot came off the gas and went on to the brake or something and that I was in the car because even when the cop was giving me chest compressions my foot was on the brake I wasn't in park yet and they sent me to the hospital told my told my jeep sent me to the hospital and And two narcotics officers met me there. Because they said they were like, you can't leave. You know, you committed a crime or whatever.

I didn't know. And I told him, I was like, I don't know what happened. And they're like, we do. We have your blood work. We know what you had in your system. Cops came. Again, two of the nicest cops I could have ever met. One of them was a previous addict.

He was in recovery. And the other one was just, you know, decent guy. He's like, we know you're a veteran. We don't know what's going on, but we know that you OD'd. And this is what's going to go. This is what's going to happen from this point on. And I told them that I'm supposed to be going back to rehab. They wrote that in the report.

Because he said, he was like, we're either going to take you tomorrow. You're going to turn yourself in tomorrow. Or if you go to rehab, we can write that in the report. I said, I'm going tomorrow to rehab. Back up to St. Joe's. that all worked out. I went back up to St. Joe's. I stayed there for about five months.

And I think it was day one back home. The courts, everybody already knew that I was getting released that day, straight to the police station. And again, two of the nicest cops, they were like, all right, do you want us to wait for your wife to leave? We have to handcuff you, unfortunately. We don't have a choice. I was like, I appreciated it.

I gave her a kiss goodbye. They handcuffed me. Took me in the back. Fingerprint, picture, all that. And then from there, it was just basically waiting for a court date. You're looking to be alive after that. She doesn't get enough of that.

She's like, I don't know who the fuck's looking out for you. But who goes the wrong way on a highway and doesn't die? And I still, to this day, I'm like... Where does it kill anyone else? That was the biggest thing that I was thinking about. I'm like, how did I not kill that lady that I hit? And I remember, the first thing I asked, I'm like, is the lady okay? And they were like, yeah, the lady's wondering if you're okay.

And I was like, in my head, that's amazing to me. Some random lady has no idea who I am. Just like, is that guy all right? You know, I fucked her car up. I fucked my car up, but I couldn't believe it. And they told me. I remember I talked to the narcotics detectives at the hospital. And they were like, yeah, dude, we have nine, 911 calls that you were going the wrong way on 95.

It's a three-lane highway. So I had to go through the grass, that fucking shit, onto the wrong side of the highway. And I didn't hit anybody, like, head on or none of that. But I have no memory of any of it. What happened to the charges? So I went to court, paid, I think, $5,000 or $6,000 for a lawyer. Thank God for that. She was a fucking, she was a bull.

paid the money went to court i remember my mentor growing up this is like wise guy from brooklyn he uh he told me don't matter what you're going to court for if it's a parking ticket or anything always show up in a suit so i put my nicest suit on i went to court and she told me straight up she's like the judge is kind of hard as so i don't know what's going to happen here but we're looking at best case scenario a year of probation where you can't can't do anything wrong, you can't get in trouble. And then she starts talking and she's like, you know, he's a decorated military veteran. He has this, you know, X amount of medals.

He's got this. He's got that. He made a mistake. He went to rehab for five months. He's doing better now. And I remember the guy looked at me and I was like, this is not going to be good. Like an old white guy looking at me like he was judging me. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

He just basically told me he's like, the stuff you're messing what kills people. And he said the same thing you just said. He said the fact that you're not dead. The fact that you didn't kill anybody else that night is a miracle. So he gave me the one year of probation. And he said the felony is going to stay on your record for 18 months pending if you behave for the next, you know, X amount of months, whatever it was.

I think it was 12 to 18 months. I fucking didn't touch anything. didn't do anything. Everything was good. And eventually she gave me a call. I think it was like 20 months after the case. And she was like the felonies. I don't know if she said it was in a sealed record

or if it was gone. But she said, you don't have to worry about it anymore, basically. So thankfully, I got to give Steph the credit for most of this because I would... You go to Hawaii in your head all the time. But when you're actually ready to go, there's Expedia. Flights, hotels, vacation homes, cars. Save more when you bundle so you can stop dreaming and start saving.

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You got to do this. You got to do that. Do you think if you didn't have someone by your side, you wouldn't have been able? I think I'd be dead already. I'm surprised I'm this old. I remember growing up, I thought I was either going to be in.

jail or dead before I was 30 and I made it this far you know I wasn't a terrible kid but I wasn't a good kid I wasn't a terrible young adult but I wasn't a good one either you know I made a lot of bad choices I hung out with the wrong people I you know the only guy to this day that I still keep in contact with and that I still consider family from me making those bad choices is the wise guy that told me, you know, always wear a suit no matter if it's a traffic ticket or not. He was an awesome mentor to me growing up. And even after everything happened, you know, I remember I text him and I was talking to him and he was like, I never wanted this life for you. You're a good kid. You were just an angry kid and we used it.

That was it. That was the extent of my use for certain people. Even my family. Even my family. You're like, all right, call Vic, Cole Vic. I remember driving from Bay Ridge on 86th Street and Fourth Avenue to park slope because somebody put their hands on my cousin. And I'm standing on the corner of 12th Street in 7th Avenue, would have 45 in my hand screaming, waiting for this guy to come out of this bodega that everybody had him locked in. Like, and still to this day, I'm like, how hell did I not get arrested for that? No, at that time, maybe there weren't as many cameras as we do, you know, as we have now. But I don't know, it's, uh, I've lived a weird life. What's your life look like now? Uh, a lot of work. A lot of work. But I'm happy, finally.

I was, I've been trying to run away to the military for so long. And every chance that, every time that something wasn't going good, I would, sign, up for another deployment sign up for another deployment and then 2019 came around and I was going to sign up for another one and because of everything head to toe I got a TBI I got all these different injuries they stamped my paperwork non-deployable so then I got shipped back home and we we just kind of we moved forward from there and she kind of like a cartoon she grabbed me by the back of my neck and just put me in the right direction you know so she was like all right you're home and I'm pregnant so you're going to do something

you know and that kind of pushed me in the right direction that started the push I still went through addiction at that time but that started to push and once I came home this that last time I knew this was it. If I fuck up again, I'm going to lose my wife. I'm going to lose my kids. So now what life looks like is I work my ass off at the firehouse. I work my ass off whatever side job I can pick up. But every time I come home, I got three people happy to see me.

My daughter jumps in my arms. My wife tries to scare me or both of them try to scare me when I come home. I never thought I don't know home, but I have a home. a two-story house you know uh three dogs you know i'm happy when i'm home you know i'm on leave right now i've been home for a couple of weeks enjoyed every second of it and just uh i think for the first time in my life since the military i'm happy but you know the other day she i forget what she said uh oh no we were at church there's another thing we just started church i never thought i go to church but uh we were at church and they were like close your eyes and uh picture a place

it's got to be your happy place and she nudges me and she's like what'd you picture i was like you don't want to know she's like it was afghanistan wasn't it i was like yeah because honestly that was i feel like that was my purpose i feel like i was born to be a soldier i feel like that was what i was made to do and i loved it you know Afghanistan was my Super Bowl. If I'm Eli Manning, that's what Afghanistan was to me. Every year that he won the Super Bowl, those two deployments were my Super Bowls. I did great.

I did, I served my country. I did as best as I could, and I think I did a good job. And I think my leadership thinks I did a good job with the exception of that one time. But I do miss it, but I love what I have now, too. What advice would you give to someone that's struggling with addiction right now? I guess that it's never over. Everybody, I know every time somebody thinks it's over, I think I just watched something with Tommy Lee recently. He said every time he hit a year, Tommy Lee from Motley crew.

Yeah, I used to edit his wife's podcast, like the clips. and I did their episode, like when he went on theirs. Oh, yeah? I did the clips for him. I love, I love Motley Crew. But I watched an interview that he did, and it was, he said, he said, every time he hit a year, he just was so happy that he hit that year,

that he would go and party. And then he'd start the year all over again. And that's the only advice that I would give is that it's never.