Locked In with Ian Bick - I Was Abused as a Child and Lost Friends on 9/11 — Then I Became an NYPD Cop | Pasquale Sementilli

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

Pasquale Sementilli was born to Italian immigrants who built their life in America — and he became an American citizen himself in his late teens after passing the test. What nobody knew was that as a child he had been sexually abused by a neighbor — something he carried completely alone for years while navigating construction work womanizing and alcohol abuse after high school. Then he lost two close friends on 9/11. And that loss pushed him toward something bigger — the NYPD. In this episode of Locked In with Ian Bick, Pasquale shares the complete story — from his Italian immigrant upbringing to the childhood abuse nobody knew about to his years in construction to losing friends on 9/11 to becoming an NYPD officer in 2003 to working some of the worst precincts in New York City to responding to child abuse cases as a victim himself to the calls that still haunt him to his medical retirement after a line of duty injury in 2011 and what he carries from all of it today. _____________________________________________ #nypd #survivor #truecrimecommunity #cops _____________________________________________ Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ _____________________________________________ Timestamps: 00:00 Son of Italian Immigrants Who Became an NYPD Officer — Pasquale's Full Story 04:41 Growing Up in an Immigrant Family and the Values That Shaped Everything 07:20 The Childhood Experience He Carried Completely Alone and What That Did to Him 13:01 The Impact of That Trauma and the Self Destruction That Followed 22:00 Choosing Construction and Trucking and What That Career Path Really Looked Like 25:53 Becoming a US Citizen and What Joining the NYPD Really Required 33:34 His NYPD Application Journey and What That Process Really Involved 40:00 Starting as a Police Officer in New York City and What Those First Days Required 47:42 Responding to the Hardest Cases on the Job and What That Personally Triggered in Him 54:00 Coping With Difficult Calls and the Emotional Impact That Followed 01:01:12 Street Policing — the Lessons the Risks and the Stories That Defined His Career 01:10:06 Handling Pressure Pranks and What Working the Street Really Looked Like 01:16:40 The Policing Culture Shift and What Discretion Really Means in Practice 01:20:20 Discretion Humanity and the Challenges That Define Modern Policing 01:27:04 The Memorable Cases That Still Stay With Him Today 01:31:00 Child Neglect and the Reality of City Life That Most People Never See 01:34:39 Community Family Structures and the Cycles That Define Generational Struggle 01:36:12 His Retirement His Injury and What Moving On Really Required 01:40:07 Finding Closure Healing and What Life After the Job Really Looks Like 01:46:01 Finding Meaning Support and the New Purpose That Followed Everything He Survived _____________________________________________ To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://advertising.libsyn.com/LockedInWithIanBicka Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Activia. You might already be eating yogurt, but not all yogurts are created equal. Activia contains over one billion probiotics per serving to survive and reach the gut alive. When it comes to gut health, Activia is the number one family doctor-recommended probiotic yogurt brand. Choose Activia. Feel good from the inside out. Visitactivia.ca for more details. My guest today grew up as a son of Italian immigrants and became an American citizen himself as a teenager.

As a child, he was sexually abused by a neighbor, something he never told anyone and carried completely alone for years. He went into construction after high school. Then on September 11, 2001, he lost two close friends in the attacks. That loss changed everything. In 2003, he joined the NYPD and spent the next eight years working some of the most dangerous precincts in New York City, including responding to child abuse cases as someone who had been a victim himself. In 2011, a line of duty injury forced his medical retirement.

His name is Pasquale Simintelli, and this is his story. So I grew up in Deer Park, Long Island, small community. It's a decent, I wouldn't say small community. Your typical suburb community. went to high school there, graduated in 86, worked with my dad. You know, we had a couple of mixes, met mixes, and was in construction. Got married, had two children, Gabriella and Vito, my grandfather of three grandchildren. Then from there, I went to work.

I was working after my dad, I was working with Mystic. transportation and then then from there I went to the New York City Police Department you're telling me a little bit about your family history it's very fascinating yeah so yes we came we came from my parents immigrated from Italy in 1972 it was 73 I was just about four years old and my brother was 11 and my mom was pregnant with my sister. So we, you know, we tease her as the true American citizen, you know. Well, of course, myself and my brother both became citizens. And my parents bought, they rented for about a year. And then we bought, then my dad bought the house in Deer Park. And that's where we've stayed ever since. And then from

that point on, I got married and moved out to Holtzville, then to Holbrook, and now I'm back back in Deer Park. How was your childhood? Childhood was, it was rough, my childhood. I was abused, sexually abused around the age of nine by my neighbor and which, you know, as things transcended in life, you know, looking back at it now and talking with Clark and going on his show and talking about it has really changed a lot of things in me and how I see things. but it was rough because a lot of it I blocked out for many, many years,

wasn't able to, didn't talk about it, you know, buried it. You know, if things came up, I would like flick a switch and turn it off, you know, because of the shame, the guilt and, but mostly shame that, you know, having something done to you at such a young age, you know, was tough. Did you know what happened to you at the time it happened? Did I know what was happening? When I think about that, it's, how can I say it? I knew what was happening, but I also knew it was wrong, you know.

but at the same time, you know, you're, you know, looking back at it, it's, you're being used for somebody else's pleasure, you know, exploiting you as a child, the manipulation, the, you know, come here, I'll give you this, but don't say nothing about that, you know, So it's a tough thing for people at that age to have to go through and then carry that the rest of their lives. I feel lucky in a sense that I'm able to talk about it because I think that's, I don't think it is the key now because there's people out there my age. that don't talk about it, that still carry it. And they still carry wounds and they still go through these cycles of self-destruction. You know, so I feel lucky that I'm here and able to talk about it, you know, here where millions of people are going to hear it.

Did your parents ever find out what happened? No, no. They never, they, you know, when they found, when they found out when I told them, you know, it really, honestly, it didn't have. affect me as much as my kids got older, especially my son and that age, you know, automatically it's like, where's he going? Who is he with? You know, he was, there wasn't, there wasn't sleepovers allowed. Like, my daughter couldn't go out and sleep somewhere unless it was a, you know, unless it was, you know, at her aunt's house or friends could come to our house and sleep there, you know, and I think that really was a big thing for me. a turning point where I, for me, where I just started my own self-destructive ways,

if that makes sense, was seeing these kids grow up and then saying shit, you know, where are they going? What's he doing? Where is he? You know, so when my parents found out when I told them, you know, and my mom, I mean, like I said, my mom's gone. We all miss her. I miss a, you know, and they only knew a certain way. They're immigrant parents that came from another country. They didn't have that emotional capability, let's say, of understanding things, because they only understood is waking up, working the land, go home, even though my dad and my grandfather had a business together.

They had 13 acres of land that they still had to tend to. and they did olive, you know, they did olive oil. They were, they were tree guys like you would have tree guys here. They would, they would cut trees and they would split firewood. So their conversations at the dinner table were probably none back at that era because they all lived together. You know, my uncle was next door. You know, my father was one of like seven, eight, I believe.

So what conversations are you really going to have around that dinner table? back in the, you know, as they're 18 years old or 17, whatever it was. They didn't even finish school. So there wasn't all, like, how was your day today? You know, well, what happened here? What wasn't like that? So when I told my mom, you know, she's like, oh, my God, she was devastated. You know, where was I type of thing, you know, how did I not see this?

And, you know, and, you know, there's a time that, you know, there's a time that, you know, know, I resent. She's resent. I wasn't happy with my mom. Maybe there was a little resentment towards her because it's like, yeah, where were you? You know, how come you didn't protect me? But of course, I don't, it's easy to blame them. I don't blame them.

But the most profound thing she says is she goes, and a typical, in any Italian that is is going to hear this, that had an immigrant. grand parents, they're going to get it. They're like, oh, my God, they're devastated the news. Like, that's like, holy shit. And the next thing is like, all right, you can't say nothing to nobody. So I'm like, you're really worried about the fuck people are going to think and you're not worried about how I feel, what I'm going to think.

You know, so that hurt to hear that. Like, you're worried about what people are going to, but that was their mentality. wasn't, you know, I'm sure she was hurting and upset and all of those things, but they didn't know how to process that. You know, they didn't know how to handle something like that. But, yeah, she was just like, you can't, you know, basically you can't talk about it because they didn't talk. Anything that arose was always quiet, you know, can't say this, can't say that, can't talk about it. Whereas now today, whatever it is, has to be talked about, especially something like that. Something is a child being sexually abused.

Whether it's not just sexually abused, it's physical abuse, mental abuse. There's so many different things that people go through and suffer through that we don't know. you know so hopefully you know when people hear this that they'll say wow all right well if he can talk about it then i can talk about it when you reflect back on who you were before the abuse happened do you think you changed drastically after it happened as a person 100% was the biggest dick i was my ego was through the roof you know um i uh i used I used women. They abused alcohol.

I definitely overdid it. For the grace of God, I don't know how I didn't become a drug addict, which happens. I didn't. My drug was womanizing, you know, was drinking and just forgetting

so much of what went on. And you know what? A lot of the times when I said it before, you know, for me was here I am, you know, chasing these women. And for so long, it was like what was the whole point of taking, you know, this is in my head of why this guy would want to anally rape me. And then it was like, now I'm not that I, not that I raped anybody, but being with women and being, in that environment and being together, I needed to know, you know, I wanted to have anal sex

with them and I need to know what was so pleasurable that it had to be done to me. And of course, it's two different things, but that was my mindset. And then when I actually did have that, I'm like, that. I was like, that was the biggest, you know, and I know it's, it's, you know, one is consent and one is not and you know what was done to me was definitely not you know that was that was abuse but that was my mindset back then and um you know i just didn't i didn't care was i was selfish didn't matter who i hurt but the crazy paul was i knew what i was doing was wrong but everything was being done because it was just a temporary bandaid to what I was feeling and what I was going through.

I went through like five therapists. You know, I'd go for two months, three months, and be like, yeah, I'm good. I got this. I got it. Now, it wasn't until, you know, until I, you know, until I, you know, until I faced myself in the mirror and had to take accountability and responsibility for everything I went through. because that was on me and I owned it. And that was the change.

That was the start of it. You know, then going to therapy steadily, you know, and talking about things and bringing stuff up and working and working through, working through things. Yeah, I mean, I was, you know, I called myself a Rolling Stone back then, you know, I was always on a merry-go-round. I kept going around, round, round and round.

And then sometimes I would jump off, but then I went back on and just kept going round, round, round, and round. But it didn't get me anywhere. It just brought me pain and heartache and to others as well. But who I am today is not, definitely not the guy that I was back then, you know. Why did you get into construction and trucking? Was that path picked for you or was that a last year's alert? Well, that was, well, I tried to, that was because, I mean, I, my dad was, you know, my dad was, he was, he was a truck. He was construction.

I followed into that. I wanted to get into the military. I think back then, and for the military guys that are out there, I think back then, it was before my 18th birthday. And I think I wanted to go into the RROTC. ROTCA, and they wouldn't sign. I think you needed your parents consent. I don't know if that still applies today, but I wanted to do that, and it didn't, and it didn't happen. Which was, which was fine. It didn't happen.

Then I went, I went to graduate high school. I was driving a truck. Then I went on to be, you know, I said, you know what, I'm going to be a cop, right? I want to be a cop, right? And my wife at the time was like, she's like, I am, she's like, I ain't, she's like, I ain't married no, she's like, I'm a marry no cop. So that didn't happen. But you see how it things years later, it did become a cop, you know.

But trucking for trucking to me, I mean, I love that. I've been around that my whole, my whole life. Even when I was, even when I was, even when I was a cop in the city, I was. I was still I was still around it you know um so it wasn't uh wasn't like you know my dad's like you have to do this no it was just something I'm like you know what I was like all right you know I was I was around it I used to go with him when I was a kid you know when he when he worked for for a company and I used to I used to go with him I think I was you know used to let me drive the truck on a job you know and so I had a background in it

you know, in construction. And then, and then the police department came. And that's, then I went to the police department after. Twizzlers keep the fun going. Yeah, I know. I just stopped whatever you were listening to to tell you that Twizzlers keep the fun going. Well, irony isn't my forte. But twisty, chewy, yummy Twizzler sure is.

So think of Twizzlers as a little palate cleanser for whatever's queued up, which, by the way, should be coming very soon. Like any second now. Okay, Twizzlers, time to keep the fun going. The 9-11. Do you think that desire to become a cop or even join the military stem from what happened to you? Well, the military was not so much the military because I used to just see the commercials. I'm like, wow, this is good.

And it was a path to citizenship, you know, back then. And then the police department thing came along. And then I'm like, all right. So I remember who was our senator back then? Alphonse de Mado. Domado? Is it the motto? Yeah, it was the motto.

I actually wrote a letter to his office. And I said, look, I was like I wanted, now here I am, you know, resident alien. I have to become, you know, to be a cop. You have to be a U.S. citizen. And I wrote a letter, Alphonse de Mado. Yeah, it was Senator Alphonse de Mado. I wrote a letter to his office and I said, please, I'm looking. I said, this is something I want to do.

I want to become a police officer, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I need to be a U.S. citizen and, you know, what can you do to help? Sure enough, he responded back. I don't remember the actual timeline, but I remember getting a letter back. And I got the, I got the letter. and I actually had an interview at in the city, the immigration office back then. I'm going back. Man, I'm 58.

So I'm going back. I'm like 20, maybe 26 years old, 25. And I get it back and I went to, I went down to the immigration office. And here I was taking, uh, taking, uh, taking this quiz was like 10 questions. I remember what the questions were, but they just asked like basic, like constitution,

Supreme, stuff like that, right? And she's like, okay, you're done. It was a woman who gave me the interview. And I'm like, all right, what's next? She's like, they're going to call you. I said, call me for what? they're going to they're going to call you to let you know when to come in for the ceremony. I said, I passed.

She's like, yeah, you passed. Because you're going to, I said, like, holy shit. So I was like, wow. It's like, holy. I was like, it was great. I was like, I was happy. I was like, wow. So I get the, I get the letter for the, for the, for the, I guess, swearing.

It's a swearing in, actually. It was just a swearing in ceremony. I think I had to be the only back then English speaking person there back then right and I'm like I'm like holy shit I was like this is crazy I was my hand up and there was a judge federal judge and he administered the oath of

citizenship and I still have my I still have it at home wow is that easy yeah for me back then yeah so for me you remember I went to school here and we were already, we were here. My mom and dad were resident green card holders. It would say resident alien on your green card, you know.

I actually got to take a picture. I think I have it. Yeah, send it to us. Yeah, it was pretty cool. But even the exam seems pretty quick back then, yeah. Well, it was. it was because, and they basically said, I was like, well, she's like, well, you should know this. You went to school.

Because it gave you basic stuff that they're going to, that they're going to teach you in school. And I'm telling you, and it was like, remember, 10 questions. And it was government stuff and constitute who's your first president, right? And I lasted not even five minutes. and she's like she's like all right you're done and I'm like that's it's like yeah you're done I was like what do like what do you's like no I'll call you I'm like calling for it like you you're pissed you're I'm like all right I'm pretty sure they give you that exact test in high school too like in US history or something like that it's got it's got to be and yeah so that was you know

and then I and then I became a then I became a cop in 2003 so that one was 9-11 was tough that was a tough that was another thing for me you know going let me go back so I wanted to be a cop because one you had asked me if that what do you call the events that happened with me yes I wanted to be a cop because I wanted to go after people like him and I wanted to do something but you want to know something I'm glad you want to know something I'm I didn't because I probably would have did something fucking stupid, you know, if I was faced with that, you know, with somebody in that predicament. But fast forward, here I am older. You know, I became a cop at 35. Just, that was the cutoff. And it was 9-11. 9-11 happened. So I lost one of my

really good friends and along with his brother uh vigiano's joe vigiano john vigiano joe was an esu cop in truck two uh in manhattan and his brother uh john was a was a firefighter in brooklyn latter one 32 um joe died in the north tower john died in the south tower joe's was recovered John's body was never recovered. So that event, you know, gave me that thing now. I'm like, all right, I got to do this. This is, I want to be a cop. I want to honor them.

I want to honor my friend. And I take a test. It was just after 9-11. I take the test and at that point, I'm married. I was married still and I don't know what it was. I took the test and I called. I didn't hear anything, blah, blah, blah. I called down there.

And I didn't get any response. They said, back then, back then you had to mail stuff, right? Now everything's done through email, through the hiring process. everything is that they no longer, you know, send you stuff. A lot of it's through email. So they said, oh, we sent you a, they said, they sent a letter or something or I was supposed to send something back. And I remember asking my wife at the time, I'm like, did you mail some?

And she's like, no, I thought you mailed it. It was like, no, I, so it was one of those miscommunications. It didn't get mailed. So I was like, Jesus. So they have no, they have nothing. I'm like, all right. So I go to, I go to take another test. I go to Franklin K. Lane in Queens high school.

It was a Saturday I took it. I was working back then and I tell my boss, I'm like, look, I leave earlier at like a family event. Meanwhile, I was going to Queens to take this test, take another test, right? I didn't open a book. I didn't look at anything. I didn't like, they had all these practice exams and all this shit. I didn't even do any of it.

I went to the corner bodega. I got two number two pencils, an eraser, excuse me, and a Snickers bar. Right? I was there like an hour and a half early. I took the sat in my car.

I ate the Snickers bar, took a nap, and went inside the, went inside the, um, into the school. took the test. It took every bit of four hours, right?

Walked out of there. I don't know, about six months after that was. Yeah, I would say, yeah, about six months after that, get a letter from the police department saying, congratulations, you've been selected to come and go into the June, July, uh, 2002,

class. So now remember, there was a class now that was in. They call it the 9-11 class. So it's funny how I was probably supposed to go into that class,

but there was a mix-up and she said she sent it. She thought I sent it, blah, blah, blah. But that didn't. There was a class there. They were probably the longest class. Usually academies like six months. Because of the events of 9-11,

they never did graduate until almost 13 months later. Then hence they put our class, the second one, in. So we were considered the second 9-11 after 9-11 class. So I get this letter, right? And I'm like, holy shit. I can't believe this, right? I wanted to be a couple, many years prior. See, now it's, here it is.

And I'm super excited. Tell me I got to report to Queens, right? And I have to go for your medical. That's the start. Everybody has to report to Queens medical there. I go there and they start calling names, right? You go up there, you're in a suit. Everybody's got to be proper.

Your business attire, they call my name. They call a couple of people's name prior to mine. And then I see them go, okay, wait over here. and everybody's going through the through the thing right so i see another person go it was three females and myself you get to me so they asked me if i have college and i go no makes me if i have military i go no and i'm just they're like all right he's like wait over there so i'm like fuck i'm like the fuck is going on right so he comes over right everybody goes through their thing he comes over detective or area orario i think it was if i remember my if he hears this man i'm sorry maybe i'm

saying it wrong and uh he was super nice guy he's like look we can't process you because you don't have any military or college it's like what i'm like i'm this fucking close and i'm like you're telling me you can't process me because i've no military or college i'm like what the fuck I'm like, oh, my God. I left there, I was devastating. I was crying. I'm like, oh, my God. I was like, I'm this close, right?

So I called a friend of mine who, who, who knew the, because he already set me up with an investigator. You know, that's how stuff works. You know somebody within there, they all, they look after each other. That's how it works, right? So I'm like, he won't process me. I don't have college. I don't know. She goes, you don't have any college.

I was like, no. It was like I, you know, at the time, there was a time when you didn't need college. And honestly, to be a cop today, you don't need college. You really don't. It's not going to serve you. You want college because you're going to move up and rank and you're going to, you know, get up there from like, you know, deputy inspector on chief and all that stuff. You need fine. But to be a cop and work the streets, you don't need college.

You need common sense. But that's whatever. That's what they've required, right? And now I'm like, now what do I do? So he ends up making a phone call. And I go back down there. And that same detective goes, look, goes, as long as you get college credits, I think I needed 30 credits at the time.

Something like, yeah, it was like 30 credits. He's like, as long as you get the credits, he goes, I'm going to, we'll process you. So I'm like, all right. he goes, but you have to get a letter from the school stating that you're enrolled and you're going to and you're going to take these kids because I needed some, I needed to go like, I needed to go to school, right?

But also you were able to take like, do online classes and do these clef exams, right, that are worth like five credits and I was doing them all. And people were helping me. I'm not going to say like, I could not do this all in my own. I had some people doing, you know, had to do papers for me.

Had to, right? I had to do this within like six months. And before, before, you know, before July, because that was the class that was going in. So now I got to go to the fucking school, right? And I have to go speak to the dean, Suffolk County Community College. And I go there and I tell her, I was like, look, I go, this is the dilemma. I go, this is something I want to do, I need to do. This is why I'm doing it.

And she goes, no, I can't do that. I said, what? I says, all I need is a letter from you standing that. I'm going to be enrolled. And I'm going to come through, you know, come through the college and go to these classes. Nope. I was with my wife at the time, right? So as we left, there was a letterhead from the school that was outside when you walked out the door to the letterhead.

I wrote it up. And she happily signed it. She had to change her heart. So I went back to the detective and gave him the letter. And he goes, okay, took the letter. And true to his word, he processed me. I went through everything. I went through the medical.

I went through the psych. I went through, sort of a running joke in my family's like, how to fuck the dude, how did you pass the psychological, right? I go, I know, right? I says, it's crazy. And so we laugh about it and went through all of that stuff. And I ended up getting 33 credits through school, through online shit, clef exams, didn't matter.

They didn't care what, as long as you had X amount of credits. I still have yet to put them together to make it something out of it. I don't even know what, till his day, you know, because my academy counted, I think, like, 10, credits, right? And I got the call in June. It was June, it was like, I don't remember the date, but I remember it was June. It was just after 9 o'clock. And they said, congratulations, you're going into the July, into the July class. But before that, I had to go to all of my professors to make sure I had the X amount of credits, because I had to send it back to them. And I,

didn't be prior to that phone call. Did any of the knowledge you gained through those classes carry over at all over your career? Oh my God. If I go out somewhere, I got to sit, like, I got to know where I need, I need vision of the room, you know, how you talk to people. You know, I mean, I worked in East New York. I worked in the 75th precinct, you know, I worked, I worked midnight. I went there because that's where my friend Joe started, and that's where I wanted to go. That's where I wanted to start, you know, and it's a different, you know, it's a different, it's, that place is just a different animal compared to, you know, there's other areas in the city that are rough.

You got the Bronx that is extremely rough. You got some parts of queens that are rough. But the 7-5, you know, back then when Joe was there, their motto was, give us 22 minutes, will give you a murder. They were, they were number, they led the city of murders back in, during that crack epidemic, during that era. You know, so it was a violent place.

But you had, you know, you had, you had people that, that lived there that were, I met some incredible, really nice people. They would just happen to be there because that was their home. That's where they lived. And they couldn't get out.

then you had the majority that were just old gangbangers, old, you know, just an old generation that just kept repeating the same cycle and cycle. But, you know, you learn to appreciate what you really have, you know, when you look at your life compared to where you were at, where I worked, and to where we live and, you know, what we're able to do, especially, you know, you try to instill in your kids, like, look, there's people that live in a place that they can't leave for whatever reasons. And here you are, safe. You have grass to play on. You can, you know, still can walk down the street. You know, still today's world, you still have to be careful, but you still could walk down the street without, you know, God forbid anything happening where versus we're there is you can walk down the street and get shot. You walk down the street and get mugged.

You can get knifed. You can go on a subway, get fucking pushed. You know, it's just a different, different world. But you learn to appreciate stuff a lot quicker. But, you know, even then I was faced with, you know, going through the trials that I went through and the stuff that I went through. When I went to work, I had to put that shit or take that away. You had a job.

And your partner depended on you. And there was other people within your squad that depended on you. If they needed you, you had to be there. You couldn't worry about shit. I was abused as a fucking kid that, you know, that stuff is going to be replaying in your mind over and over again. No, you have a job to do. And I was faced with an abuse case, you know, while I was on.

a job and that was the first. Not many people knew, you know, what had happened to me. And you know what? There was other people I knew and that, you know, in life you go, you, you, you, you, you meet people and then you kind of, you know, tell people your story. And the only reason you do that is because you want to be heard. You want to get it out, but you tell, excuse me, you tell the wrong people, you know. and you get stuck in in in that in that you know telling people what had happened but they really didn't

they really didn't know they didn't need to know that because you just they were the wrong people to tell but in any event that's that's what happened that's what you know with me had happened and this one particular job, my partner's with me. And it was a girl and could tell the fear in her eyes. You know, she was probably, she was a little bit, she was older. She was, you know, I would say she was around 13 years old, 14. But you could see the fear in her eyes and she didn't want to, she didn't want to say anything. She was upset.

the mother had called and she believed that something had happened to her. And, you know, as I'm talking to her, you know, and I asked her, said, do you want a female officer here? Are you okay with us here? You know, do you want a female here? And she wasn't saying anything. And then I said, listen, I said, you know, if he did something to you, it's not your fault. I said, but, you know, we want to help you. I want to help you.

I says, because it happened to me as well. So I understand what you're feeling right now. Because what was done to you by what your mom is saying was done to me. You know, so again, all I want to do is help you. and she wouldn't say anything. Like she looked at me and she looked and she almost wanted to say something. And again, I reassured her. I said, I'll have a female officer here, you know, if you want.

Again, she didn't say just, just her expressions. And she didn't. He ended up, the mother had given me the phone and said he's on the phone. It was the uncle. It was the uncle that was abusing her. And I said, you know, come down. I said, we just want to talk to you. I was like, there's no, nobody's making any, you know, I wanted him down, wanted him to come down.

I'm glad he didn't come down. Because something probably would have happened, and I probably wouldn't be here talking to you. So in a way, I'm glad he didn't. don't know what happened after that. Couldn't make, you know, she didn't want to, couldn't, I don't know how we left off with it. I think we took a report and that was, and that was it. I never heard anything after that from her, but the whole thing with her, just the fear in her, the look, the, the the sorrow and that, you know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was tough.

It was, it was tough, but I, but I said that in front of my partner. And I never, you know, I didn't know what he was thinking. I didn't know, like, thought he was going to say something like when we got back in a car and and, I mean, same thing, we didn't talk about it, nothing like that. I mean, now, you know, now it's, you know, now I, any chance I get, I always talk about it, you know, you know, because I, you know, I don't have the shame or guilt of things. It's just, you know, it was a part of my life. But, yeah, I'm glad he didn't show up.

How do you leave a call like that mentally when you know someone's guilty, someone hurt someone, but it just can't be proven? It's hard because you know, I know that that person, is going to show up, whether he shows up back there, he's going to show up somewhere else. He's going to do it to somebody else. If he did it to her, who's to say that he's not going to do it to another girl? Or, you know, it's hard, but you have to, not every job is the same. And on that job, people tell you, you have to move on to the next because you can't carry.

and it's easy for me to do because I just used to bury my own emotions anyway. You just shut it off. And as cops, you know, we have a sick sense of humor, you know, to deal with shit like that. And, you know, when you see stuff like that, but, you know, if you see a death or, you know, of course, I mean, you can ask any cop that to say that it doesn't affect them, it does. definitely affects them. You know, it's, again, the more you talk about it, the less it'll, you know, the less it'll be a burden to yourself and to others.

Because when, you know, you face trauma, I know that I would always lash out that the people closest to me. That's because I'm feeling a certain thing and I'm not dealing with what I need to deal. with. So it's very easy to lash out to somebody else, you know, and which is the wrong thing to do. Because it's, you know, it's, you're just deflecting. You know, it's displaced emotion. You're not, you're not dealing with it. So you have to deal with it. You have to. It's the only way to,

it's the only way to move forward in life. It's the only way to, you know, get things better within your heart and your soul. I mean, you have to. Otherwise, it'll eat you. It'll eat you alive. What happened to your neighbor, the perpetrator? He is, you know, I faced him twice.

And first time I faced him was at a funeral. And our neighbor next door had passed away, the one that was actually next door to me. He lived across street for me. We were at a funeral home and I'm telling you, this guy knew I was there because he was walking into the room, he was walking into the wrong room for the week.

And I remember his brother putting his hands on my shoulders because his brother knew. and I just remember getting this sick feeling like I wanted to just like I wanted to I really wanted to punch I wanted to punch the brother because I just knew at this point now it's like I'm in my mid I'm in my mid 20s yeah and I looked at my sister was with me I'm like look we got to go I was like I got to get out of here I says because I feel something is going to I'm going to do something, and I don't want to do that. And we had left. Then there was a time, it was another time that a friend of mine's ball opened up

and was there for a grand opening. And this motherfucker comes through the door. Now I'm a cop. Now I have a gun. and again, I had that sick feeling, and I was like, I got to leave. They're calling them over. They're like, over here. He knows I'm there, but I had to leave because I had a gun.

And I'm getting that sick feeling again, and I went out the back door, and I left. This time around, I won't leave. I won't. There was a time I wanted to hurt him. There's a time I wanted to really do damage to him. But I listened to Clark and doing something to him now is only going to ruin my life. I have so much more to look forward to now in this part of my life than I ever did before that why would I want to jeopardize that?

Do the feelings come like I do I get angry at times? Absolutely. But I'm okay with it because I can sit with it and let it ride. Because I know what is behind me to what's in front of me is far greater than what was behind me. So I won't do that. But I won't. I will not run. I will stand my ground.

ever faced he's going to have to walk past me because i won't run away that's the difference between me now and then um i know he lives in west babylon you know um but he has to my faith in what i believe in that he'll be taken care of when he's no longer here You know, a part of me, I had to forgive him, not for him, but so much for me, because I couldn't let him have that control over me anymore. He doesn't have control of him anymore. If I do beat him, if I do hurt him, that's still, he'll still have that control. You know, and I'm hoping that when people say, like, who was it?

You know, it was my neighbor across street. If you know Pasquale Cementelli from Deer Park, you know who'd have. neighbor across streeters. I don't have to name them. Don't have to because they're going to know who it is. And I know people reached out to me many a times and I know who it is. I often wonder if he has done anything else. And unfortunately, you know, if he has and my age, that statue has run its course because I looked into it. So the shame and guilt lies with him. Doesn't lie with me. I did nothing wrong. I was just the boy.

You know, what did I know? You know, he knew it was much older, seven years older at least. What does he got to be? He's got to be 63 now. 63 years old? Yeah. It's about 63. Wow, so he was barely in his 20s when this happened.

Yeah. Wow. Yep. So if he did. He did it to me, he did it to others. 100%. My understanding, he has a family. He has two daughters, I think.

And, you know, like I said, if I ever get the chance and he ever walks in front of me, I'd have to ask him why. But you're never going to get, you never going to get the answer as to, you won't get it. I know I won't get it. You know, anybody that I'll confront them, of course, you'll deny it. But I know in my heart, I know exactly what happened, what was done, who was there, who saw it, who knew about it, you know. But they all have to meet the man upstairs. And that's what carries me through.

Violence isn't the way. You know, it's not. It really isn't, it's not. It'll just jeopardize everything going forward in my life. And for what? What? I know God will take care of them. Did you ever see that on the job, revenge or revenge violence?

I got to tell you, as, no, as this was our motto. This back then, policing today versus policing during my time, two different, two different animals. I can tell you that when I went to work and I put my uniform on, first of all, I was representing that uniform and I was representing the men and women before me. And I was representing my friend, his brother and those other cops that were killed on 9-11. So if you wanted to fight us, you'd lose. Period. You lost.

If you were cuffed, me, that's it. Once the cuffs went on, it's over. And that was, that was in our unit, in our precinct and our tour, that's how it was. You fought, you lost. And once you were cuffed, it's it's over. You're going to jail. Now, could those things have happened years prior? I'm sure.

But there's revenge killings, not just in, if you want to think of it as, you know, within a police department, it could be, I could kill this guy and it could be a revenge killing, you know. no I took it and the people I work with you know we did our job and I know that when I got back home and put my head down on my pillow I know everything I did was always with good intentions you know it wasn't about you know the best Paul was I worked in an old black neighborhood right and they're like you're pulling me over because I'm black I go let me see here. I go, the whole community's black.

I go pulling you over because you didn't make a, you had a broken headlight, a broken tail light. You didn't signal it when those are all legit things to pull somebody over. And at 2 o'clock in the morning, it's a different policing.

That's a different area from the midnight tour till morning because nothing good happens after 12 o'clock or whatever they say one o'clock in the morning um you know we had white guys coming through Atlantic Avenue at two o'clock in the morning now you want to call it profiling he's a white guy at two and a clock in the morning two 30 driving down and anywhere in east New York at that period was a known fucking drug location so guess what you're not a cop or fireman going to work at 2 o'clock in the morning it's a little not so-so so you're a white guy coming from nassau county into east new york because brooklyn east new york was your howard beach and then you're at east new york so now you had

a major you had jacky robinson you had the southern state park where they all converged they all brought you into east new york and guess what Nine times out of ten, the white guy that got pulled over was copping drugs. And we always found drugs because then they fessed up. Like, where are you going? What are you doing? Now it was always because he didn't get pulled over because he was white. I don't want to say that.

Got pulled over because he didn't make a lane change. You know, we're in unmarked vehicles. We're doing a job. He didn't signal. So that's our, boom. That's our way in. shit behind you on your rearview mirror most people don't know that you can't have hanging shit off your view mirror it's obstructing that's a reason to get pulled over um but they always end up they had drugs they're

looking for drugs and the best is i'm like where you're you know where you're headed where you going going to my friend's house i go where's your friend live he's like over there I go, what the fuck is over there? What's the street? I don't, I don't know. What's his name? Well, I really don't know him like that. I'm not kidding you.

This is the shit we would get. I don't know him like that. Then you'd pull over a car. We pulled over, uh, we pulled over a, uh, we pulled over a car with, uh, again, no turn signal, right? Four males in the car. Get them out of a car. Nobody, everybody has ID. When they're cruising around, you know, it's 2.30, 3 in the morning.

But the stop is they didn't put their turn signal on. That's a stop. The driver. Get him out. Talking how, like you and I are talking right now. Not a, what do you call? Not a hesitation. No fear in his eye.

Didn't break stride. Wasn't nervous. You can tell when people are nervous. It wasn't nervous at all. Talking to him, he's giving us three different fucking names. It's not coming up. We're like, look, bro, what's your name?

Because whatever you're giving us is not coming up. Gives us another one, whatever. Cuff them. Because now we can't identify you. We can bring you in to identify you, right? He's driving. Cool's a cucumber. Wanted for murder in West Virginia.

Now, think about it. It's 2.30, 3 o'clock in the morning. He knows he's wanted for murder. He's just got pulled over the police. What was him if he had a pistol on him? You'd think he was, you would hear about it every day. You see it. But cool as a good.

Didn't he know he was wanted for murder? He knew he murdered somebody. Finally got his name and he ran his prince and he was wanted for murder. They came and got him the next day. Wow. Yeah. So in a situation like that, working the night shift, do you always have a partner with you? Oh, yeah.

And they always had a partner. Always. And the best thing I learned from this guy was you always had a, you know, you always had the operator and recorder. You know, the operator obviously was the driver. Your passenger was the recorder, your partner. And then he would do the, you know, answer the radio and do the reports and stuff like that. the best thing I learned from this guy was he's like when you I watched him

and he would approach the car and when we did plane close sometimes it was like three man teams usually a two man team or three man team or three man team and I watched him as he came up to the passenger side he'd knock on a he'd knock on the back quarter so naturally

what do you think you'd do everybody goes like this so now it gives you the operator because you're on the left side of the vehicle you're approaching now you can you know gather a quick peek because now they're distracted by that guy it was just like little things like that you know but tinted windows down you would tell them to put it down. Hands were always the thing that somebody else had told me, watch their hands. Because hands are things that are going to kill the cops, kill a cop the most. Because who's fumbling inside their jacket or pockets, you don't want that. Because they, they're carrying carrying something, you never know.

And if you have to, you can always put them in cuffs. Cuffs don't have to stay on. They could come off. But hands was always a big thing. And knowing where you are, knowing exactly where you are. And that I learned the hard way. Here I was on a footpost.

And very young. You can think of, I don't know, just three, three months on a, it's like three months on a job. The fuck that. I didn't know shit. I didn't know shit. You know, the academy is the academy.

The academy teaches you that if you do this, this is what's going to happen. You know, there's a patrol guide that's this fucking thick, you know. Um, you learn everything by going out there and doing it. Being a cop, it applies the same way. You have to learn. You have to, you know, you have to go and do things. And hopefully the mistakes. if there is one, it doesn't cost you your life or it doesn't cost you anybody else's life.

So there's some kind of call, like there's 10, 10 calls for help or disturbance or some shit like that. So we decide to take the call, right, the guy I was working with. We get their number one thing. That's why I learned. I learned this from, you know, from another senior officer. you have to know where you are at all times. You have to remember the street and you have to remember the address because if things pop off one, two, three,

you have to call it over the radio. They're going to know where you are because everybody hears that, you know, Sector George is going to such and such address. And if you just say 245, that's it, you know that they're coming. Because you might be in a struggle. You might be, you know, that's all it takes is 24,

is two, four, five. And they'll come, you know. And I remember him saying, just remember I didn't do that. It's one thing I learned was I walked in and then I asked for, I asked for another car because there's two of us and six of them. You're outnumbered. I had to walk outside and look up at the address. So now not only did I walk outside, I left him exposed, the guy.

I am working with. Because anything can happen in a second. So one guy wants to go to the bathroom. That's a mistake number three. I let him go to the bathroom. Big mistake. Then he's like, oh, no, I had nothing to do with it. I don't know what's going on.

I don't know what's going on. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. He left. Never should have left. Who knows till his day. what that guy grabbed in a bathroom and took out with him. What if it was a gun?

He had pulled it and shot me or him. But you learn these things as, like I said, God forbid nothing, you know, nothing, nothing happened. But as he walked, he kept looking back and I'm watching him. And I knew, I was like, and I knew, and I knew the gut tells you everything. It's telling me, like, don't let him go. like something's not right something's off so kept looking back kept looking back turned the corner he was gone you know so you you know you you learn these you learn these things then i took

ten bucks out of my pocket to settle a dispute with a chinese guy and a and a and a fucking customer in a chinese store it was classic i didn't know what this fucking guy was saying um you know you learn And it's like there is no criminal shit. It's a civil matter. It's money. No, no, you know, nobody got hit. Nobody got assaulted. So it's a civil matter.

And then I asked the Chinese owner what's going on. And he fucking just went off in Chinese. And I'm like, I'm like, what the fuck? I was like, then there was a kid there must have been, had to be his daughter or something. I go, what did you just say? He said, he didn't pay for the, what do you call? I said, did you pay the guy? No, I paid.

He got wings and rice, right? And I go, how much is it? There was, like, she said, it was like 10 bucks. I took 10 bucks on my pocket. I said, yeah. I said, you get the fuck out of here. And here's 10 bucks and don't call no more. And don't come back in here no more.

But, you know, of course, as you learn, you know, it's like, all right, you, get the fuck out. You don't serve him no more. It becomes a, it's a civil, you know, It's not a criminal matter. But these are just things that you, you know, you run across. So the funniest one is you're going when I first, when I first got into, you know, I first got into a car on patrol.

So I used to watch these, I used to watch these guys eat. and not miss a fucking, not miss a stride, right? I mean, picture it. They're walking and eating out of a styrofoam container. They're eating food. I tried to do it. I can't fucking do it. I could not do it.

I was so amazed. I'm like, what the fuck is this guy eating and drinking, right? I mean, I'm sorry, eating and walking at the same time. I'm like, I fucking never saw this before. And I get into a car, you know, and me and my partner are driving. I'm like, pull up to Texas guy. I got to ask him something. And I'm like, I was like, I said, bro, come here.

And he's mouthing off. Like I was like, you're not in trouble. It's like, I got to ask you a question. I go, listen, I've been meaning to ask this for the longest time. I'm like, why once you get your food, why don't you go home and eat it? Like sit at a table and eat it. Or wherever you ordered it from, if they have a table, why don't you eat it? He's like, I can't go home, man.

He's like, the motherfuckers are going to eat my food. I go, come on. He goes, I gots to eat my food before I get home. Because them motherfuckers, whoever they're motherfuckers are, the siblings or whatever, are going to eat his food. You see them in time? You see how crazy? How fucking crazy is that?

It was just like, wow. It's like, holy shit. Then I'm questioning, right? This is my first footpost on this corner, Wioner and Sutter, right? That was my very first assignment as a New York City cop right there on that corner. It's now the wintertime because we went in in July. We graduated in December.

So we get to we get to we get to we get to the precinct into East New York in January And my very first assignment is on that fucking corner It is freezing and I mean fucking freezing and there's a school on that corner and there's a brick pillar That wraps around you know these brick pillars and then Fences and it wraps around old school and I'm up against this pillar right and the fucking wind is howling you know like this and I'm saying and I'm questioning I'm like man what the fuck did I do I'm like did I make the right decision man I'm like I'm like there's people watching me right now like I know they hate me and I'm like I'm fucking 35 years old I'm like I got two little

kids at home I'm like fuck am I doing this Jeep grand Cherokee pulls up around the corner window rolls down on the passenger side. She's like, officer, officer, I'd just been raped. And I'm like, I went like this on, like this. I was like, uh, I didn't know what the fucking say. I'm like, I was like, what? It's like, I just been raped. I'm like, I didn't even move from the fucking pillow.

I was like, I didn't know what to do. She's like, come on, get in the car. She's like, let's go get coffee. they were fucking they were they were a narcotics unit doing overtime they were just fucking rolling around and so they know we're out there you know what I mean so they know they hear the footpost and they'll ask because anybody can call send you like where are the footposts in the 7-5 you know so one is you know to fuck with us and two is to make sure they'll drive around

and they'll make sure you know they keep an eye you know and she's like bro she's like I wish I had a camera because your face was fucking priceless. I go, I didn't know what to fucking do. It's going to be honest with you. It's like, I don't, I was like, I didn't know even, I didn't even know what to say to you. She's like, that's all right. She goes, you're new. She goes, and I was just like, holy shit.

But they drove me to get me a cup of coffee, warmed up a little bit, and then they brought me back. Was it like in the movies where you have like those old school veteran detectives or cops that would mess with the new recruits? Oh, my God, 100%. 100%. There was some guys that would take it, like, really to, like, you know, the, you know, to the extreme, I think. One guy wanted me to, like, slash some sergeant's ties.

I go, you're in your fucking mind. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I go, you fucking do it. If you're so pissed, I go, nothing to me. You know, but this is the shit they would do. But some would get what do you call. They would get a little crazy. But you know what?

it's like the older guys doing that, if they didn't do that and they didn't bust chops in a, you know, in a, in a good way, you have to do that. It means that they, you know, they like you. If they didn't do that and they wouldn't talk to you, they're not going to like you. Because, listen, to be honest with you, there's people that, there's cops that can work the streets and there's cops that can't work the street. They shouldn't be in the streets for their own safety and for others. That's what I believe, you know, and I'm not picking out any, it's on the male side and it's on the female side. There's some female cops that I work with that will fuck you up. And there's ones that are just like, they know what to do.

And the same applied on the male side. You know, when it came down to getting dirty, they knew, you know, how to do it. but my partner the last partner I worked with he was classic like busting balls they used to break my balls before we came partners relentlessly and my other the partner I was with couldn't fucking take it he was much younger so he was you know at 35 I mean I was at 35 he is old so my first partner is like 24 So it's a big difference, you know, in age. And he would get so fucking riled up.

I'm like, Tony, the more you fucking show them that you're riled up that pisses, it's pissing you off, the more they're going to break your balls. I'm just telling you, I used to have to laugh secretly away from him. So he wouldn't see me laughing because I knew what they were doing, you know. And they were doing it. But one was to test, one was probably to test you to see how far you would fucking, you know, take it and get mad. But it was all, it was all in good, uh, it was all in good fun.

It was all, you know, it was really getting to know who you are. You know, that's really what it comes down to. Me, I really didn't break anybody's balls. I, you know, um, I would rather just, you know, if I saw something, be like, hey, listen, maybe next time, maybe we should, you know, should try this approach or this is how we, this is how we do it. Or, you know, it was always, it was always a, it was always a lesson. It wasn't any, you know, you weren't going to ridicule anybody.

That I didn't like. I'd seen guys that would do that. And I'm like, no, don't, you know, don't, don't embarrass somebody. You know, if something had to be said, you take them aside and say what it has to be said. Don't do it in front of, don't do it. in front of others. Because I look at everything now in life as things that, you know, things that I've gone through, things that, you know, failed relationships and stuff like that.

They're all lessons. They're all lessons to be better. You know, we get a chance each day to be better than we were the day before. You know, and the same applied on that job. It's, you know, it's a tough job and you make split-second decisions. And, you know, unfortunately, in today's world, the police. it's, you know, cops aren't respected anymore. You know, I have to say back then we still were respected during my time.

But today, nah, not so much. When do you think that real change was? That real change in the city, policing? Yeah. I think one, for us was de Blasio getting into office was a change. I think the whole country, as a whole, the change was, I feel, in 2008 when Obama was elected president, because everything was, you know, was our fault for everything. It's always a cop's fault for this, that,

or, or, um, it was always, it was always, it was, it was never, they always put fault towards a police officer. And listen. Not every cop, there's bad apples in every profession, including the police department. But that's very minuscule. There's bad lawyers. There's bad doctors. There's bad everything. Unfortunately, in our profession, it gets blown out of, you know, blown out of proportion.

I've always said that if you want to be. a cop, you have to get dirty. That means you have to put your hands on people. And that's bad shit happens. I've never met a cop that's intentionally going to say, I'm going to hurt somebody today. Well, God forbid, I'm going to, you know, get involved in a shooting and somebody's going to die. No. There was always a, we all, I mean, I knew every cop that went to work knew that there was always a chance that, you know, something is going to, something's going to, something is going to, you know, something may happen. You know, it's always in the back of mind, but you can't, you can't let that dictate the outcome of, you know, of your job and how you're going to do your job.

But the people that do end up making mistakes that are in the wrong, do you think there's characteristics to look for that, you know, leading up to that? I know it's hard to tell the moment, but. I mean, yeah, I mean, we, we can. We could, we could, yes, you want to go back and look at, say, what they, where they came from and why they act in a certain way or why they did that. But I got to tell you, the bad cops would always expose themselves. Because like I said before, not every cop belongs on the street. Because it really is learning how to interact and talk with people.

you can't take something and bring it here because how are you going to bring it back down here? You're already here. You know, you can start here and hopefully it doesn't escalate to here. You know, I mean how there was times it depended. I've always, for me, it was always, I pulled somebody over, a licensed registration insurance card. What did I do? I'll explain to you.

It says, let me just have your license insurance and registration card. It was always that dialogue. It wasn't no anger. If that driver or person brought it here, then I'm like, look, you're already here, so you're going to lose because there's no talking to you. But as a cop, don't bring it here. You have to start low. And I always said it always depended on the person.

And usually it was, you know, sometimes, look, I'd be like, you're not going to give it to me? I've ripped people out of the car. It was as simple as that. I go, I asked you. And you just kept going, going, going. Now you're in cuffs. And now you're going to go to the station.

And, you know, your life is going to be ruined for the next four hours. And it was all unnecessary. But I don't know. It's a tough question, Ian. I mean, you know, you do go through the psych avow and stuff like that, but I don't, I truly believe that people go out to work. They're not looking to hurt anyone intentionally or killing one intentionally. Now, are there some guys that take their job a little too over the top? And I mean that in how they speak.

Yeah. Because it happens to me, you know, now. You know, if I get pulled over, I get some fucking guy that wants to like, all right, bro, it's easy. You know, I didn't, I didn't murder anybody. You know, it's traffic. I don't know what I do. I didn't stop at the stop sign. But you don't have to, you don't have to be a dick as a cop.

You don't have to be a dick in general as a person because I would, you know, I would say you don't know what that person's going through that particular moment we cross paths. And the same applies in policing. You know, you pull somebody over depending on what it is because I'm talking in general. I'm not talking about you're fucking looking for somebody who got murdered somebody. That's different. I'm just saying in general, just simple traffic violation, whatever it is, blah, blah, blah.

people go through shit each day and day out. The same thing with cops too, cops are human, you know, and they go through shit daily in their own personal lives. And, you know, it has to be a mutual respect when you, when you work within the public. You know, you have to, you know, give the cop respect, and the cop has to give that person respect back. And it was very simple with me.

It's like, you respected me. That's fine. I respect you as a, as a person, and we're good. I've let people go with fucking weed. I've put drivers that had a few in a car with a license, paid for it in my own pocket, take them home, you know. Now, why in those moments do you do that?

Because he didn't hurt anybody, and hopefully he's going to remember, he or she, it's going to remember, I got lucky tonight because this guy gave me a break. You know, we have discretion. Not everybody's a drunk driver, and I'm not, again, not advocating that we let drunk drivers go. I had to arrest drunk drivers because there was an accident,

there was a collision, there was injuries. I'm just saying that how many times have, and I, again, I don't advocate it, you drink, Do not drive. You've had four or five, do not drive. If you had one to, listen, we've all been there. I've been there. Am I going to arrest you?

That's how I did it back then for me. For me, it was, you know what, this guy gave me a break. And hopefully they remembered it. That wasn't some scumbag cop that arrested him. Now, these guys that I know that I work, worked with that waited outside of places. And much, he's a great guy. He's not on a job anymore.

But I know what he was doing. I would drive. He would say, go left. I would go right. He's like, no, you told me to go right. No, I said left. I said, oh, maybe I didn't hear you. Then wait.

I go, that's what I said. one night. I said, listen, I don't do this shit. I'm not going to wait for that. I'm not doing it. Because we've all been in that situation. And they're having a good time or whatever the case is. And I'm not saying, again, I'm not advocating if you see somebody, if there's a cop that see somebody fucking stumbling, drunk, falling and getting in a car, that's different. I'm not targeting people going to have one or two drinks. You shouldn't.

Because we've all been there. I just said, I don't, when your partner comes back, you can do that. Now with me. I'm not doing it. Do you think there should be more that discretion being used in today's world

because you see so many cases where, say, like a young person gets their bug shop blasted all over the news for something very silly? Oh, I mean, absolutely. Because there's bigger fish to fry in this world of, you know, of what we see. You know, there should be, there should be definitely more, you know, there is, I think there's more discretion today than there ever was, you know, back during, during my time. Because today, I mean, you can't do, you can't do shit without, you know,

You see water getting thrown at cops. You see people in your, in your, you know, people in your face. These guys are getting shit thrown at them and they're getting screamed at. And I'm like, I can't even watch it. In the beginning when it's all transpired, I'm like, I was throwing shit. And I'm like, how are you, how are you letting this? How are you getting water thrown on you, you know? But as far as you're saying like, like people getting blasted on

TV would like a crime? Yeah, I mean, say like, you know, you have a 22-year-old girl just got out of college. You know, she has, she's a situation like what you were just describing. One or two drinks might be slightly over. She gets arrested and, you know, thrown all over mugshot and everything when that could have been a simple, hey, let's go in the back of the car, get you home safe, you know, something like that. Oh, listen, I'm all for that.

I've, you're talking to a guy that's done it. Now, maybe there's cops on here that aren't going to agree with me, and that's fine. But one or two, we've been there. You know, I always tell cops, you have family members too, you know. You have family members that go out, right? You want to be that, you're going to be that guy? Because calmer comes around. That's it.

There's good calmer that comes and there's bad calmer that comes. Don't be that. Don't be that guy or girl. I'm sure there's a ton of cops that have drunk driven to even off duty. And we hear about the ones that get arrested on duty. I've interviewed people that have gotten arrested on duty as a cop. If I'm blasted and I get pulled over, I'm getting arrested. Am I going to blame him, the cop, if I'm that whacked?

And there's, I'll tell you right here, there's two incidences where I probably should not have been driving. Okay? And that cop gave me discretion. Now, I, again, now I'm retired, and I said, listen, I give him my ID. He's like, where are you going? I said, I'm going home.

He's like, are you all right? I'm like, no, I'm good. I said, I had to, you know, he asked me how much a drink. I said, I had a few. I said, okay, he's like, be careful. Let me go. Same thing. Let me go. Now, I'm going back. I've been retired now since 2011. So I'm going back about seven, seven years. Today, I'd probably be arrested. Today's cop.

Now, I'm not blasting every cop out there. No, I'm not. It's their prerogative. But we have discretion. And yes, you can put them in a car. And it's like, where do you live? I'll take you home. You can do that. I don't know if it's department rules has changed. I have no idea. But discretion is discretion. I used it, I did it.

You know, so it's up to the cop today. But I don't know. I come from a, I just come from that, from that place where you, you know, not everybody was a bad guy. Even though if they did something bad, they weren't a bad guy. They weren't a bad person. I did a lot of bad shit.

My bad person? No. No. But if you beat the fuck out of anybody, you're going to jail. You know, you hit a, you know, there was domestic cases and, you know, some were bullshit. You knew it. Many cops would tell you that, you know, you'd feel bad for the, you know, but you'd have to arrest him or, you know, her, whatever the case was, because God forbid something does pop off, you're liable today.

So I understand that part. But yeah, see, discretion is tough in today's, you know, in today's world. What's that one case you're always going to remember? Oh. I'm only going to remember. I'm definitely going to remember the girl what happened if something ever transpired. We had a one, first time I ever went to trial. And they found a guy not guilty.

Me and my partner actually saw him throw the gun under the car. And it was such a short block. It was like four houses and like four houses on one side, four houses. I mean, literally like, like watched them like throw it, you know. And he got off. There was a, you know, they made it, they made it seem like we, we planted it. We planted the gun. But that's Brooklyn for you.

That and then, oh, had one where this mother left her kids at home, right? And the neighbor calls and said, you know, there's two kids. left at home. One was, the kid was like 10 and the other one was like four or five years old. And we go there. And sure enough, they're there. It's one of these houses and they have five rooms and they all share just rooms and they share bathroom and kitchen. So we're out there and then, you know, calling child protective services now and trying to find out where this mother is and she comes running down a block right in high heels she's like dressed up mini skirt i just running he's like no no no i'm here i'm here i'm here right i go where were you would you go just like oh no no i was home i just wanted to go get

milk i go like that right but says it like like like she believes like wants you to believe wants to make you believe that she went out for milk dressed in high heels a skirt and all done up I go, are you serious? Come on. I says, no, where's the milk? She has it. They ran out. I'm like, turn around.

Boop. Cuff that I go, who can I call to, they go, who can we call to get your kids instead of them going to child protective services who, you know, ended up calling her, I think it was her aunt, mom. I don't remember, but it was a family member. And they came. And I'm looking at these kids, like, sitting in a precinct going, wow. But it makes you, like, as a cop, you know, you become human. You're not that cop anymore. You just become human.

And you just look at these kids and you're like, and then you think of your own kids and say how lucky they are that their mother is home, you know, and they're home and they're in bed. And their mother's not out. And these kids now are fucking sitting in a precinct waiting for a family member to come pick them up, you know. So I don't know what happened to it because I never went to try. so she must have, she must have took a plea. How many kids do you think are just left alone in New York City? So many. So many.

And there's so many kids there that are abused, that aren't, not just in the city, just, I think, with across the country, across the world, that have been abused and they just have no, don't know where to go. and are scared. They're in fear of their life, a lot more than we know about for sure, definitely.

The city is just a different, you know, the biggest thing, the biggest thing I find. Now, this is, it just doesn't imply, that neighborhood. There, there is no family unit. There is no, you know, anybody will tell you, you know, at night you see the guys out. You'll see, you know, maybe some women. The day you don't see them, the guys, during my time, they would, you know, because they

were out all fucking night. And there's women pushing baby carriages or whatever the case is. But there's no mother and father. You would know. You could tell. I knew when I walked into a house what I was dealing with already. If I walked into that house and there was a mother and father there and it was clean, they didn't have the best of everything.

But if they were clean, you can tell right off the back, right off the back as soon as you were speaking to them, who you were dealing with. Now, I walked into houses where the kitchen had fucking shit piled up, food on the floor, no bed frames, boxes, for dresses and just disrespect all around, you know, yell and scream and cursing, you know. Now, you can be in a home that's so-called, as they say, the perfect home because there's mom and dad and everybody has a bedroom and they have clothing feet, but then you have that other, you know, then you have problems there.

It's just there in those, in those neighborhoods and those areas that just there is no unit. it. There's three kids and it could be two fathers, three fathers. It's just a vicious cycle because I hear the older guys would say the same thing. It's just repeated. You know, these kids are going to grow up and they're only going to learn from what they know. And it goes back to like when I was saying with my parents. What did they learn? They only learned from what their parents taught them is get up, go to work. That's it. And then you came home, you ate, you went to bed and you went to work. There was no, all right, you're going to get married, you're going to have kids. And you're not going to talk about things. It's, there's no, you know, there's no, there's no emotional

stability within that, within that world. You know, it's like a free-for-all. That's how, you know, that's how I always looked at it. You know, and they're kids. And what do kids no. They start off innocent and then they're exposed to violence and the mother's not, the father's not there or the mother's not there. The mother goes out and it's fucked up. Now you said you retired in 2011. Yeah. That was only, what, eight years? Just about not, yeah. I got hurt on a, on a job. Crazy because, you know, I'm a big believer and everything happens for a reason. You know, many years later, I'd become a cop.

And many years later, I'm off. You know, and there was, there was a shooting that was, that had gone on. And me and my partner responded. We were like the second or third car there. And you could still smell the gunpowder, you know, as we walked into the place. And there's a couple of bodies laying on the ground. And people at the bar still. drinking. It's like, it's so fucking, it's like, like nothing was, you know, this is, this is the

neighborhood, you know, sitting at the bar having a drink and there's chaos right behind them, you know, guys are shot, you know, who's dying on a floor. So this guy is dying on the floor and this guy doesn't want to get up, doesn't want to leave him. And, um, I grabbed them and turned them to pick him up. And this pinky went this way. And I suffered old, nerve damage in my, in my hand. And so this was my gun hand. And then that was it. They said, bye. It was short-lived. So is that medically retired? They medically retired. Yeah. Yeah, like about a year after, a year and a half after. How did that feel mentally? Oh, it's, it sucked because this past July 1st was our anniversary when we got hired. And I wrote in there, you know,

know, I have no regrets, but I says, well, yeah, kind of. I wish I would have stayed longer. But you know what? You just never know what happens on that job. You know, people you're talking you're talking to today and then the next day, they're gone because something happened. And six months later, Pete, one of our guys that worked with us, Wigowski, was killed in December. they retired me in April and Pete was killed in December at a location where we patrolled up and down we were in and who knows I mean Pete was the one that gets killed I mean you just don't know what's going to happen on any given day as a cop look at the guy that they shot day before sitting in a car guy just walks up and fucking starts shooting in the car you know so

it was it was it was short-lived but maybe that was you know my friend joe looking out saying yeah it's time for you to go you know that's how that's how i that's how i look that's how i look at it you know it was great it was a great time i still have lifelong memories there and partners that i worked with you know i don't see them for two or three years it's like where you know like where we left off. What do you think it was needed to help bring closure to your childhood, having that career? Having that career for me was,

was, you know, I started out doing it because I wanted to honor, you know, Joe and his brother. And, um, big, big, big, big, uh, shoes to fill, but I wasn't looking to fill. He was one of the most highly decorated cops on the job. I mean, we shot three times. It was the first guy in emergency service to be promoted to detective. He set the stand precedent for that. You know, for me, you just asked me, did I need that job? You know, I always had a thing for helping people and serving people.

More so, like on the end, what had happened to me. And I went into that job wanting to, you know, get into a unit. And I thought about the, you know, sex crimes unit to, you know, to get there. But it didn't. It ended up becoming more for me of just helping anywhere I could within that place. because if there's a lot of shit in that area in those areas whether it be Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens and one of, you know, in those areas, there's, like I said before, there's good people that are there and that that's who you help.

The other shit, I always say, look, if I don't get you today, I get you tomorrow, you'll be overtime for me because if you end up getting shut dead, I'll be the first one to respond, thank you, because you're going to, I got to stay with your body through the whole thing. I go, I get a shitload overtime. I make money over you. The, the, um, really the catalyst for me, like, needing to make that change for me was, like, months ago, many months ago, you know, when I first went on to clocks and I

followed Clark for months. And I was like, wow. It was like, like, I, it was just so, just was so relatable to, to me. And that was probably the. biggest thing was, you know, was I knew like I, you know, my childhood shit really needed to come to light. Like, I needed to talk about it and bring it and bring it out. You know, the police department was, um, that was for Joe. That really was, that was for him. And, uh, I hope I made him proud. I know I made him proud because, uh,

You know, I believe in that whole afterlife stuff. And it's just a step in, just another step in my life. You know, and then coming, you know, coming onto clocks and coming on to here and talking about this is great. Where are you at today? As far as life in general or even how you're doing. I'm doing so much better. I wear this oaring. It tells me my stress levels are like, you know, you're good, you know.

And, you know, I mean, everybody has to go through things in life. And you're either going to get off that fucking merit around or you're going to stay spinning. I chose to get off and just, you know, stay under the, stay under the radar. Help where I can. talk about things, you know, especially child abuse, things that people don't want to talk about. I still follow people that talk about things, you know, especially with, you know, obviously clock and and I'm good because like I said, what's ahead of me is far greater than what was behind me. Behind me is just chapters.

Now I just want to write new chapters on just being a better man each day and helping where I can. Even if it's on a podcast or even if it's stuff I wrote, I started this, motivational page on TikTok about, you know, four weeks ago. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but you have to start somewhere, right? So you just got to be consistent. You just got to be consistent, exactly. So I did that. And, you know, I was talking to a friend of mine that I met in this restaurant in

on the island. And I always used to see them there, him and his girlfriend. two great people. And, you know, we talk about things in life, things where people go through. And like I said, I'm always a big believer that you don't know what people are going through. Do you meet people? You have no idea what they've gone through. What traumas they faced, what things had to happen to them, or what they're holding or what they're carrying, right?

And we just start talking and scoff. and asked me something. You know, she asked me about faith if I believed in, you know, Jesus and God. And I said, yes, I do, you know. And she's like, well, I don't. And she's like, well, what do you do? I was like, well, you know, things that happened to me is it, you know, as a kid. And I believe that God will take care of that person when it's their time.

You know, I said, I'm at, you know, peace with that part. And she goes, well, yeah, she goes, okay, she's like, I can understand. She goes, but I still don't believe, right? And I said, all right, that's fine. And he chimes in. He goes, yeah, well, I was, I was abused as a kid. So I was like, no, really? So we started talking.

And so much the similarities between him and me and how that abuse, started, it's like, it's eerie because it's all about just grooming and manipulating that person to get you to where they need you to be, right? And after we're done talking, she looked at me, she goes, she's like, wow, she goes, you know, Steve never told anybody this. I go, that's why I talk. I could be talking to somebody and it comes up and how we get to it. I go, and I bring up my story.

And I go, see, there's the purpose. He talked about it. We talked about it. And it's all good. He didn't become a basket case. I didn't become a basket case. I said, sure. I made many mistakes along the way.

You know, self-inflicted, I can't blame anybody. But myself are those, they're my actions. I go, I did them. I go, but I don't use that part of, of my past going forward. I go, I used to. I used to say, well, I got abused. So I'm okay with doing what I'm doing.

I wasn't okay with it. Because if I was done, I'm like, what the fuck did I just? Why'd I do that? You know, so, you know, you, you learn. You have to. You have to learn. You go to therapy. I tell people, go to therapy.

It's the best thing. Just talk about it. All you're doing is just, you're not keeping it there no more. The more you talk about it, the more you, what do you call? You release it. You let it go. You know, and some people, unfortunately, can't let it go. You know, and I know I can't save everybody, but one or two along the way, three, four, five,

whatever. They just hear the story and they can say like, wow, this guy came on, Ian's podcast that's viewed by millions and talking about his life. I'm no different than anybody else. I'm just okay to say I fucked up and here I am. I'm not perfect. There is no such thing. Nobody is perfect.

We're all perfectly imperfect. I just now deal with things in a different way. I don't overreact or I don't, if things in my past come up, I sit with it and let it go. Or I call somebody. And usually it would be clock. You know, but that was, you know, how long have I known clock now, almost two years?

And that's a couple of times. And I tell people too, you can call. Many people reached out and said, I can't believe. It's all good. I'm going to be sorry about. Just a part of my life. It's a path that, you know, do I want to say I had to take? It's a path that was taken.

But I don't want anybody to go down that path. It's not fun because it's self-destructive. You don't, you're not living. I can say now, like, I'm, you know, it was living then, but I wasn't happy with who I was. I wasn't happy with the things I've done. But I'm happy with the man I am today. I'm only going to be better. And you just have to positively reinforce that.

Just say, yesterday was yesterday, today's today, and tomorrow's not here yet. You don't know what it's going to bring. So all you have is right now. So be happy now. In the littlest things, I used to be a guy that I used to have, I needed to have this, like right now. I needed it now because I, you know what I need? A nice sandwich, a nice dinner, a nice night out, you know, with my girl, hanging out, watching a movie. The simplest things in life of everything.

where people so much focus on the bigger things. And everybody carries something. Everybody holds onto something. Everybody holds on to, you know, a trauma. And then, you know, you see it. Like I see it more today in people when I see stuff on social media. And, you know, and I see some of the stuff. I get it.

It's all gimmicks. And, you know, you're putting shit out there. But I used to go out. And I see these, you know, I went for my 40th reunion two weeks ago. High school reunion, right? 40 years, right? That's crazy. And I'm at this place that I used to go to.

And I'm just like, it's like 7 o'clock now, right? It's just about, excuse me, just about seven. And I go to one of my classmates and her, her, uh, her boyfriend, I go, I go, listen, I go, I think I'm going to do the Irish goodbye. I says, because I got to go home. I says, I can't stand this shit no more. You know, it wasn't so much our reunion. It was nice catching up with people.

But, you know, just the, like, the shit I used to do. Like hanging out, like these drinking and, you know, these fucking, you know, these women thinking they're, you know, they're like, fucking, they're like 30 or 20 again. And I'm like, I was one of those, you know, listen, I'm, that's another thing I didn't say. I am the last person to judge anybody. I am not judging anyone by any means. But it's not what I want to do. If they want to do that, that's their gig.

For whatever their reasons are. Me, I just choose to not be around it. Not because I get triggered or anything. I just, there's much. more to life that I see now than I did prior. Much more. Much more in life. You know, and, but yeah, it's, it's been a ride.

It's been a cool ride. Well, Pasquale, I appreciate you taking the time to come on the show. Absolutely. I appreciate you having me for sure. And it's an honor. No, definitely. No, it's an honor to be on here, for sure. for allowing me to talk and speak.

I have one guest that we'll talk about after we leave here that will definitely, I'm going to get him on here. Cool. I can't wait. Yeah, he's good. He needs to tell his story. Cool. I worked with him and he's a good dude.

I can't wait. That's what it's all about, the good guess. That's it. Thanks again. You got it, buddy. Thank you.