Locked In with Ian Bick - I Was an Oxy Addict — Now I’m an EMT Saving Lives | Brendan Thomas

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Brendan Thomas grew up in Connecticut with a loving family and a promising future—but one decision changed everything. After trying Oxy for the first time, he spiraled into an 8-year battle with drug addiction that led to heroin, drug dealing, and dropping out of college. In this interview, Brendan opens up about the darkest moments of his addiction, his many failed attempts to get clean, and the moment everything finally changed. Now sober and working as an EMT, he’s saving the same kinds of lives he once nearly lost. #AddictionRecovery #OxyContinCrisis #HeroinAddictToEMT #FromAddictToHero #DrugAddictionStory #OvercomingAddiction #RecoveryJourney #lockedinpodcast Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: http://www.ianbick.com/shop Timestamps: 00:00:00 Brendan Thomas's Journey 00:04:05 Nostalgia for Pre-Digital Childhood 00:08:26 Life-Changing Moment Witnessing Drug Use 00:13:11 High School Memories and Familial Obligations 00:17:47 The Desire to Fit In and Its Consequences 00:22:47 Facing the Consequences of Dr*g Use 00:27:25 Life in the Drug Economy: From Stash House to Street Deals 00:31:38 Struggles with Pills 00:36:29 Choosing Snorting Over Injecting 00:40:58 The Hidden Struggles in Families 00:45:08 Exploring a Day in the Life of Addiction 00:49:50 Consequences of Addiction and the Road to Recovery 00:54:41 Journey to Sobriety: A Personal Transformation 00:58:56 Dallas Years and Relapse 01:04:18 Vivitrol 01:09:14 Coping as a First Responder 01:13:38 Finding Hope and Inspiration in Adversity Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And that moment right there changed my life forever. Brendan Thomas grew up in Connecticut with a loving family and a solid foundation. But one pill changed everything. His first time trying oxy led to a brutal eight-year spiral into addiction, dealing drugs, and eventually heroin. He dropped out of college, lost control of his life, and struggled countless failed attempts to get clean. But after hitting rock bottom, Brendan turned it all around, and today he's an EMT, saving lives on the same streets where he nearly lost his own. Brendan, welcome to Lockton, man. Pleasure having you here today. Connecticut resident, fellow Connecticut resident.

Yes, sir. I appreciate the opportunity, man. You have a giant platform. I'm grateful for the opportunity to come on and talk with you. Yeah, I appreciate you coming on. It's so cool when we can have locals, you know, from Connecticut. And just coming on and chat and stuff, we have a lot of kids. Connecticut people that reach out. A lot of people don't even realize that I'm from Connecticut and that I'm in Connecticut now filming. Yeah, I had no idea. Not many podcasts are being filmed in Connecticut.

Yeah, I know, especially, you know, the following you got, too. I had no idea. Thank you, man. Did you grow up in Connecticut? Yeah, I did. So I grew up in Glastonbury, which is just east of Hartford. What was your upbringing like? So I'm two parents, brother. My father was an attorney. and my mother was a florist and I have a brother who's three years younger than me. Yeah, my parents are still together. They're snowbirds today, so they, once they emptied the nest, finally, they got rid of the house and got a condo in Glastonbury and a condo in southwest Florida. What kind of attorney was he?

Real estate. So he always said I'm a title in. insurance attorney that works for a real estate company. So I never really understood what he did, but he wasn't having, I'll say this. Now, having a father as an attorney ended up helping me in the long run. And I'm here today to hopefully show that, you know, addiction, excuse me, Addiction has no bounds and does not discriminate. I'm here to tell a story about it, you know.

And so, yeah, man, that's, sorry, stumbling already, but having a father as an attorney, ended up helping me. Were you guys financially well off? So I'd say we're upper middle class, you know, we lived in your typical suburban neighborhood, sidewalks on both side of the street, you know, white picket fence, so to speak, backyard with a dog and everything. And, you know, my childhood was great. I had everything I needed and then some, you know.

We were fortunate and we had some good neighbors as well. And so, you know, my upbringing, my upbringing was, you know, grandma pop were there to get us off the bus in elementary school. And, you know, mom and dad came home. And, you know, we rode our bikes to elementary school, you know, had snowball fights with a neighbor, shit like that. And I was fortunate. We were fortunate.

What were your friends like? Troublemakers. You know, we got the typical kid stuff throwing snowballs at cars. You know, we didn't don't ditch, stuff like that. You know, we're around the same age. Growing up in the 90s was much different than it is, I'm sure, growing up today. You know, my mom had a cowbell. Like a mini cowbell, she'd open the slider and ring the bell, and that's how we'd know dinner was ready.

Because we could be, you know, one house down, two houses down in the woods, you know, whatever. And then, you know, no cell phones, no show like that. Yeah, I was walking around my parents' neighborhood yesterday because I walk my dog every morning there because he stays with them. And you're just reminiscing the days of, you know, you don't get home until, like, the sunlight goes down. There was no phones, if anything, we had a flip phone, but you're going out biking, paintball. Just doing whatever, hanging out, you know, swimming because they were on a lake. And I miss those days. Life was so simple back then.

Yeah, it really was. And looking back, I was extremely fortunate for the family that I had. I still have in the upbringing that they provided for me and my brother. And, you know, we were fortunate. enough to take vacations and then do stuff like that. We lived in, and like I said, we lived in Glastonbury, and so I got involved in the Glastonbury Fire Department as a kid at as a young age, and that's kind of what sparked my interest in what I end up doing now, but I, you know, I like to think that living in Glassonbury

kind of played a part in that. Why was that interest there in the first place? So, I don't really know. You know, I wanted, what I really wanted to be was a fighter pilot. And I remember as a kid, I saw a top gun. And I was like, that's, you know, that's what I want to do. And I was in Civil Air Patrol as a young kid, too, with hoping to have a path to the Air Force. And one day I just saw a fire truck come screaming down Main Street.

and, you know, I saw that there was an opportunity to join as a cadet, and that kind of what opened my, opened the path. And, you know, I'd go away, you know, I'd come away from it because of, you know, addiction and stuff like that later. And, you know, I'm, I wasn't involved with the Glassonbury Fire Department and any other aspect besides just being a cadets, but I'd just like to, you know, contribute that to my, my, you know, aspiration of being a first responder.

And I didn't become an EMT again until just before, just before 2020. Did you have, my EMT license? Did you have any addiction issues in high school? No, so, you know, I went to a private, I went to a private high school, a Catholic high school. And I smoked weed, you know, with my buddies drank on the weekends, you know, drank with my cousin. Um, but my, my, my, I had, um, my, uh, my, my, uh, my life kind of took a turn in high school. And when I was a senior, um, there was, there was a kid who was a grade younger than me. And he, so I went to, like I said, a Catholic high school and he, um, he was placed in our school by the DOC is what, you know, I remember because they didn't,

want to put him back in the hard for public schools. And we were in current, I think we met in current events. I'm not, I don't want to say his, you know, I don't want to say his name. But we became friends slowly over time. And, you know, our friendship started with, well, okay, can you give me a ride home? Well, hey, you want to give me a right home? You want to smoke some weed? Hey, what are you doing later?

You want to come into Hartford? And so, you know, I, I, there was a couple pivotal moments as a, you know, this white kid from Glastonbury. I was, you know, 17 years old and I'll never forget it. We, it was, I was sitting in an apartment building on the corner like South Whitney Street. and Capitol Ave and Hartford. You know, looking back now, it was a crack house. It was a crackdown. And I was sitting there with me, with my buddy,

one of his guys, like, standing by the door, or I was smoking weed, and the door knocks, you know, and someone comes in, this old woman, she's behind me probably in her 60s, glasses, no teeth. You know, and she sat down on the couch and, and Disci handed her a crack rock and a pipe. And I remember this feeling of, like, freezing up. And I, it was, like, in that moment where I had this decision where I could either, like, keep calm and seem cool to the people that were around me, or I could like freak out and be, you know, have kind of like a stereotypical reaction for a 17-year-old white kid who was about to watch some old lady smoke crack, you know.

And so from that moment on, I spent more time in the South than Hartford than I did with my friends from high school or my friends. family and and I did you know I got involved with you know selling narcotics and you know as a now recovered heroin addict looking back at what I was doing was incredibly devastating to the people that we were supplying these drugs to you know and now with fentanyl you know there's fentanyl and There's fentanyl crack, weed, Xanax, and I see that, we see that work all the time. And back then, you know, when I was doing this, and I'm talking in 2008, you know, it was all, it was still heroin and all crack, you know, and stuff like that. And, but I'm living this, this double life where I'm wearing a button up in Oxford with a tie

and driving my Hyundai Sonata, my five-speed Hyundai Sonata from Blastonbury to the school. And then I get off at 2 o'clock and I go to the south end of Arford. And I'm like, I remember being in the days in on Airport Road in some room, like bagging up a gram of heroin. You know, and it's this, the whole double life was something I ran with for so long in terms of like trying to hide my addiction, hiding what I was doing from my family. and because I cared more about what you thought about me than what was really going on, you know. And so I wanted to maintain this image already as an 18, 17, 18-year-old kid that I was just this cool, com-collected guy, you know. Why do you think seeing the woman smoke crack that they freaked you out?

And do you know what crack was at the time? No, I had no idea. And I remember this guy, I remember my buddy from school dying laughing. You ever seen the movie Malibu's Most Wanted? No. Wasn't there a TV show called that? Maybe. So there's this movie Malboos Most Wanted, and it's like this super rich white guy,

and he's got a son who thinks he's just gangster. And they call him B-Rad. And this is so embarrassing. They used to all the Spanish guys just call me B-Rad. And, dude, I'm, you know, I'm an Irish white guy from Glassbury. I never, I smoked a little weed in high school. I stole some Budweiser's from my uncle's fridge. And I didn't even know what rock.

I didn't know what Coke was. I didn't know what cocaine was, crack, heroin, none of it. And before I graduated high school, I, you know, I was selling drugs and spending time with people that did nothing. but try and bring me down, you know, 18 years old. Was Catholic school very strict? Yes and no. Like I remember, I think one time in four years I had to dry shave. Like one of the nuns made me probably like this.

You were, you know, if you had a certain leg, like the beard, you had to dry shave. I joke and I used to say in AA, meaning. at Catholic school taught me how to smoke a lot of weed and keep my liquor during the day. But, you know, it's the high school that I went to is where I met my, who she's now my wife, like we were talking earlier. So it did do one very good thing for me. Do you think it made you more rebellious? Yeah, 100%.

Absolutely 100%. And, you know, and I'm like third generation to this particular school that I went to. My mom went to it. My wife's father went to it. I have cousins that went to it. So it was like I almost felt this like familial obligation to go. I went to a magnet school for six, seventh, and eighth grade. And the only public school I ever went to was like kindergarten through fifth.

So, you know, I didn't really have friends in Glastonbury that were in the school system. So, you know, when the opportunity was presented, I chose to go to the school instead of Glass-Merry High School. And looking back, I think I remember saying I wanted to stay out of Glass-Merry High School because this particular school, that Glass-Merry High School had like a real bad drug problem, which was ironic because years later, you know, I'd end up becoming a drug addict myself. Tell us about your transition from being that kid, you know, that saw the woman smoke, can crack your senior year to actually selling drugs yourself and then doing harder core drugs.

You know, so obviously we're leaving a lot of stuff out. But, you know, so I went to, I went to Plymouth State in New Hampshire for, for one semester. And my, one of my roommates, I was on a force triple. I'll never forget it. I was at a force triple at the end of the hall. And one of my roommates was like a local New Hampshire kid. And one day he came back into the room. He said, do you ever done oxy before? And I said, you know, I ever did what?

And he was like oxy cotton. And I was like, no, no. And he had this little green pill. there were the 80 milligram oxies or back in the day that was and uh he he sat down at one of the desks in our room he took out this little like

uh what the hell are they called like little pipe clamps and you and you could shave like shave pills with them and these these old school 80 oxy 80s had like this time coat release on them So you had to, like, put it in your mouth to get the time release off, and you could, like, wipe it off with a paper towel or a tissue or something like that. And I was like, what the fuck is he doing?

He's putting a pill in his mouth and he shaves it off and he, like, rolls a dollar bill up. And he's like, you're coming, you want some. And it was another one of those moments where, like, I wanted to seem like the cool guy, right? And because this guy is offering me some drugs, you know, I think maybe I had, my buddy had given me what he called, Coke, you know, like the summer after high school. And but all, you know, all I had done was just smoke weed and drink up to that point, maybe split a Vicodin with one of my buddies in school. And so I grabbed the dollar bill.

I sat down at the desk and I sniffed it. And that moment right there changed my life forever. And. No, no, go. You know, there's there's a lot of childhood trauma, vicarious trauma that comes with addiction and alcoholism. And I'm kind of unique in the fact that I don't have any. You know, I, we talked about, you know, I had a great childhood. I had a great upbringing.

There was nothing in my life that made me say, I think I'm going to turn to drugs and alcohol. You know, I sniffed that line of oxy that one day in Plymouth, New Hampshire. And I loved the way it made me feel. And I ran with that. And, you know, once I got physically addicted, you know, that was it. Why do you think you wanted to fit in with the cool kids? Yeah, that's a really good question.

I don't know, man. You know, I think just kind of stereotypical just wanting to be where the crowd is, you know, wanting to be the one who's liked. And maybe that was rooted from some, you know, insecurity that I had as, as, you know, a young teenager. But, you know, I was kind of always a follower. And so kind of sticking around the cool kids. was easy because, oh, you know, I just had to do whatever they were doing, you know. Do you think being a follower is something you're born with, or is that a trait that you're developed by watching other people,

uh, show that behavior in, you know, elementary school, middle school? It's right. I think it's a learn behavior, uh, you know, because as wanting to fit in. I think, you know, everybody wants to fit in. Um, but wanting to fit in to, uh, as a learned behavior and becoming someone who is more of a follower instead of a leader. And you, I think that's, I think it's, yeah, it's a learned behavior. What happens after you try oxies that first time?

Oh, man. One of my favorite AA speakers, his name's Earl Hightower. He jokes, you know, similar one of the first times he did in drugs. You know, he says, you know, I sniffed this line of whatever, 10 minutes later I was on the floor and I was very happy there. And, you know, I remember going, we sniffed this, I sniffed this line of oxy. It's like this euphoria that I never felt before, you know, my fingers are tingling and we go down to the cafeteria and I nod out and I fall asleep on the table. and, um, and, um, I, you know, that was the feeling that I chased, continue to chase for. Crack a Cayman Jack Margarita with real lime, blue agave nectar, and real margarita taste.

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Restrictions apply. The next 10 years. Did you have any feelings of regret after, like, once you sobered up from that first oxy, are you like, you know, sometimes someone will go out and have a drink or get too drunk? They're having a great time in the moment, but then they're sobered up and they're like, I'm never doing that again? No. No.

I'm not. It was, and, you know, I wanted more. I wanted more. And, you know, I eventually, I found out what perk 30s are, perk sets. They're blues, the old blues. And that, you know, that became my drug of choice. And so I lasted about a semester at Plymouth because I decided that drugs and partying were more important than going to class, doing homework, and getting a college education. So I made it a semester and I moved home.

And, you know, looking back, when I was graduating from high school, and I mentioned earlier, I was a fire. cadet. And I applied to the University of New Haven. And I got a scholarship to go down there for, to get a bachelor's in fire science. And I was the, you know, I made a stoner decision in high school and I wanted to go to Plymouth State because it was closer to the mountains. You know, the big skier still am today. I wanted to go up there to ski. and, you know, looking back, that's just like, I can't, I can't imagine where my life would be today if I had gone to University of New Haven, not met that kid, not sat down at that table, and sniffed that line that day, you know.

But sitting down led me to this, where I am, it's led me to the beautiful life that I have today. And so I got bad ADHD. I'm sorry, man. I jump all over the place. How did your parents react to you leaving college after just a semester and going back home? Are they asking you what's going on? Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I think my GPA was so low.

It was like below a one. And I remember on the car ride, one of the car rides home, my mom was like, I can't remember if my mom came up. But my dad was like, Brendan, what the fuck are you doing up there? You know, and it was like, I like to think that having to drop out of Plymouth State was like my first real big consequence of using drugs. Um, and so I moved back home and what, what's familiar and what's, you know, what's recent, I'm, I call my boy from, from school, say, yo, I'm, I'm home, bro. You know, and he says, all right, well, come on. And that's it. And, you know, I'm back off to the races, right back into the shit, selling drugs and fucking around. South Anna Hartford again. Because your dad was successful, did he put a lot of pressure on you to succeed in life?

I mean, an attorney is a pretty successful career. So, you know, I felt, I think I felt pressure as a child, even through high school, just to make him proud, you know. He was always such an excellent role model as a father, as an employee, as a husband. and I felt like I had big footsteps to fill. And, you know, he was such a good role model. Yeah, I think I didn't really set expectations for me. You know, obviously they're like, we want you to get good grades and like do the things that you're supposed to do.

But yeah, they didn't, you know, there was no set expectations other than the ones that I set for myself. And dropping out of Plymouth State, I remember. remember the disappointment, you know, the disappointment in his voice. And like I said, it was, you know, one of the first big, real consequences in my life as 18 years old from using drugs. So now you're back home at 19, 20 years old from college. You're selling drugs. Tell us about that. Yeah.

So this kid from my high school, he's, you know, was involved. with guys who are a lot older than them. And, you know, because I have a family and I, you know, I still live in the Hartford area. I'm not, you know, going to name names and stuff like that. And there was two, mainly two active groups, we'll call them in the South and Hartford back then. And these older guys were affiliated with one of them. And so I had the supplier, I remember, you know, we used to sit there. down with um there's this there was the days in on airport road and um it was like a pay by the

hour joint you know or you know pay by that night the bulletproof class clerks behind the bulletproof class and um you know you go in there with a with a bottle of hennessee sit down with you know a couple grams of heroin with a scale there there used to be wax baggies and we had these little, these little spoons, and I don't know what he was cutting it with. It would come in bricks, and we'd get fingers of heroin. The grams were, and we call them fingers. They're kind of like cylindrical. And, you know, you break it up, you cut it and with, like, one of those, the flower.

It's like literally shit that you like you see in the movies. And, you know, I'm still, this 2019, 20-year-old kid, we're doing this in Hartford. bagging up, you know, stacks, stacks, a heir when there's, so there's just these wax baggies there used to be, and I don't know if it's still this way, there was 10 bags in a bundle, 10 bundles in a stack. Back then, bundles were going for like 40 bucks, 50 bucks, and we sit there and, you know, you bag up 10 stacks, 15 stacks, and you leave the days in, and one of the older dudes would take it to the stash house.

And, you know, I did, like, minimal street-level stuff. And I don't know why they chose me with my boy from school to do, you know, the bagging up and stuff like that. But that was really, so that's kind of how it started there. Were you making decent money? You know, so I left kind of a circle back, you know, so I left Plymouth State with a pill habit. We, there was like an upper classman who was, I was buying Perk 30s from. And so, you know, I dropped out of Plymouth State because I couldn't academically stay there. And I was already addicted to painkillers.

And so I was like making enough money to support my habit and, you know, pay gas and stuff like that. And because I was still just like privileged kid from Glastonbury living in my parents' house. driving a car, you know, that my father got me when I was still in high school. You know, I didn't have any real responsibility or bills to pay, stuff like that. I had, I had like a W-2 job at a ski shop in Weathersfield right outside of Hartford. And, you know, I was back to live in that double life where, you know, I would spend most of the day either in, excuse me, geez, in Hartford, you know, on Park Street or, you know, or I'd work at the ski shop or, you know, I'd be out of home. That's really it.

Did your parents know you were selling drugs? No, God, no. And I'd bring this kid around from school when we were in school, you know, when we were still seniors after Plymouth State. They loved them. And he was good at putting on an act. and, you know, my mom would all, she'd ask questions occasionally because he'd show up to the house and like a Jaguar or like a BMW with like limo tint all around. And just, you know, this little 19 year old kid jumps out and she'll, you know, she'd ask,

where how's he getting those cars? Like, I don't know, you know, I don't know, his mom co-signed for, you know, something. So my parents, God bless him. I would not be here today without them. They were naive. They were either naive or they turned their backs. When you moved back home, was it hard being back in your hometown and seeing all your friends from high school moved on? Maybe it become successful or in college doing their own thing?

Yeah, yeah. You know, and I had, because I had a core group of friends that I had made, you know, you go to smaller Catholic high school. you grow, you know, you're with the same kids all four years, and just like any other high school, but it's small. There was like 150 kids in my graduating class. So I had my core group, my buddies, and they all finished college. One went into the Air Force, you know, another one started his own business. You know, they became successful adults, and I didn't. How did you turn from a pill addict to a heroin addict? Well, eventually the pills got too expensive.

You know, they, those oxy 80s became like 80 to 100 bucks a pill. And they had whoever was manufacturing like Purdue or, you know, whoever figured out that drug addicts were taking the coating off and grinding them up and sniff them or shooting them. I met guys in rehab, you know, who would shoot pills. And so they made these. They didn't change the name. They were called O.P. 80s.

And like, I remember I met a kid who was trying to sell me him. He's like, I figured out a way. And he's like, tell me, he's like, you got to put it in the way. You got to smash it up. Then you got to put it in a microwave for 25 seconds. Then you take it out. You smash it up a little bit more. And I remember thinking to myself, Jesus Christ, you know, I can't believe.

He, this kid would do that for a fucking pill. You know, I'm like, I just want my shit. And, you know, that I would go. go to far greater lengths than crushing up a pill and microwave later in my addiction. So how old were you when you started the heroin? 20. 20. So that was about a year after you got back home?

Yeah, probably. Maybe a year and a half, year and a half and change. So the pills got too expensive. You know, I was mainly doing the Roxy's, the perk 30s. and I mean, heroin, I had the easy access. I, you know, I didn't have to pick up the phone. I'd just go, excuse me all. And I remember one day we were bagging up.

And my buddy didn't know that I was doing pills. I was hiding the fact that I was doing pills from everybody. And we were bagging up. And I took like five, six bags. and when he wasn't looking, I snuck it in my sock. And, you know, heroin was one of the nevers for me, right? I'm never going to do heroin. You know, I was just going to stop doing pills

and my life was just going to go back to normal. So I took these bags because I couldn't, I didn't have the money to buy oxies. And the guy that I was buying the perks from, excuse me i remember calling them and i felt i was feeling i felt i was trying to get them to front me a couple of pills because i was feeling sick and i didn't i had no idea why you know i'm i got a fever i got the i got the shits i got uh you know the chills and he's like bro you're dope sick and i was like i'm what he was like what was the last time you did a pill and it was probably

24 hours ago and he's like yeah you're getting dope sick y'all and he was like come on down and so i drove from glastonbury to waterbury in a snowstorm like you know how shitty new england connecticut winters can be um and i remember doing this sniffing this pill in this kid's basement in waterbury and like it was like someone flipped a switch 30 seconds later i'm like how Okay. Back to normal. And, you know, I, so the pills got too expensive. And so I took the dope. And I went home and I went up to my room and I closed my computer and I emptied out two bags and I sniffed it. And it was like a perk 30, but it was better. And, you know, sniffing those two bags, open doors for me that I struggled to shut for the better part of a decade.

What was the price difference between pills and heroin? So one perk 30 who cost between 20 and 30 bucks. And a bundle of dope, 10 bags, was 50 bucks. But I was doing, I mean, at my worst, I was probably doing eight to ten per 30s a day. That's a lot of money. And I wasn't selling that much. I wasn't selling that much drugs to support that habit. And my parents knew I had the job at the ski shop, so all that money couldn't disappear either.

I mean, it eventually did, but at the time, you know, I had to leave a trace of where that money went. So, you know, and I had come out of, dropped out of college and, you know, I had to start doing things like adult things like paying for car insurance and like paying for my portion of the phone bill and shit like that. So like I needed the money from that I was making from the ski shop. And I was selling drugs to support my drug habit, but my drug habit became so big that I couldn't keep up. And then, you know, I started sniffing my own dope and everything went downhill from there, really. Why did you pick snorting instead of injecting that first time? Yeah. Well, shooting was one of those numbers, you know.

And but, you know, there's a, I think every drug addict will tell you that. we say I'm never going to do that. And then we end up doing that because our addiction takes over. And, you know, I did literally almost anything to get that high, to not be dope sick. And I was afraid of shooting dope. Like I actually had a buddy from a guy that I worked at the ski shop with who was also a drug addict. And I would see him shoot heroin and the effect and of him, like, falling out. I wanted that effect, but I was too scared to shoot up.

And so sniffing it was easier. I think it was easier to hide. You know, like I said, I was losing this double life. I couldn't go home and sit and eat dinner with my family and have track marks on my arms because all my parents were naive. They weren't stupid, you know. Why was it a never for you? Like, was it something that you knew growing up that, like, that, like, that was

was just a I'm never going to be the one that injects heroin um no I mean I mean you know we I remember getting like the dare classes the drug classes in high school and um I think it was just kind of like almost maybe the perception of like shooting like that's the lowest like the lowest of the low perception yeah but like that's the lowest of the low and I'm not I'm not gonna do that and you know, looking back, a lot of it, like I looked at my buddy that I worked with and I'd said, well, I'm not as bad as him. You know, he's shooting heroin. I'm just sniffing it, you know.

How would you describe yourself when you were on heroin in those days, months, years? Years, years. It was years. It was years, Ian. A shell, you know, and I ended up being a shell. And, you know, I, once I was in full-blown heroin addiction, you know, there was no hiding it. I, you know, I'm a big guy now. I'm 6 to 240 pounds. I was, uh, I used to weigh like 150 pounds. You know, I look like this now because I told you my daughter when my younger daughters

scratched the shit out of my eye, but I'm tired. I work nights on an ambulance, you know, I look like this because I'm tired now. But back then, I was just strung out. And, you know, my mom is one of six girls. And so I was raised with a big family, very supportive family. I love them all. But I was the black sheep, you know, Brendan was the drug addict. And, you know, some days I thought I could hide it better than others.

I think there's a lot of families that can relate to that. that everyone has like that one drug addicted family member or at least a lot of the families that listen to the show. How did it feel to be labeled as that and be outcasted? Did that make you more of an addict and then help you? So I want to, and just in my family's defense, I wasn't outcasted. You know, everybody knew I was a drug addict, but, you know, everybody left their purses in the car, you know, at Christmas and then family holidays. holidays or you know I if I went inside to go to the bathroom someone would inevitably ten seconds later come in behind me and I are you know I deserved that because I did things

that I'm not proud of with family members and you know my own family and you know I'm like I said at the beginning I hopefully you know I hopefully there are people and families that can relate to that because, you know, I think Chris Heron said it best. He said something like, you know, when, when you picture a drug addict, you know, what do you picture? And he's like, it's not, I promise you, it's not that kid in that high school picture. But, you know, if you go in your living room, there's millions of families in this country that are affected by drug addiction. And it's not just. the homeless guy who's shooting heroin under a bridge, you know.

It's people who have families who are raised, right, who have every opportunity just as the next guy and are still affected in one way or another. Yeah, and I think that's just, that's a comparison between, like, addiction and prison where they're kind of alike because you have individuals that you would never expect to get addicted or never expected to go to prison, end up in prison. The great example, the episode that came out last night, which will be, you know, like a couple weeks before when this episode comes out. But it was the one with Kevin Guilford, and he was a...

The math. Yeah, the math. I started listening to the other. Yep. I started listening to the last night. And I looked at him and I'm like, you look like a college professor, you know, and you don't look like someone that's been to federal prison for manufacturing meth, you know? So it's just so interesting at that aspect.

And I think that's where people find a common ground of relatability. 100%. And, you know, when I'm at work, I, I, A lot of my partners, a couple of my closest partners know my history and stuff like that. And but when I tell, when I tell patient people, I used to shoot dope too. I used to shoot dope. You know, I get double takes. I get double.

What? You know, what? I'm like, yeah, well, I'm sitting here as proof that, you know, you can shoot dope and you can get your life together. So I'm sorry, we digress. But it was on the same topic. Anyways, what were some of the low moments you experienced while on heroin at the peak of your addiction? Some of those moments you weren't proud of that you were just talking about. Dude, I mean, I, like I said at the beginning, having a father as an attorney was helpful.

I've been arrested. I've been arrested for possession of heroin, larceny, forgery, DUI, evading. And I knock on wood, I don't have a criminal record. I think because, you know, I came from privilege. Excema is unpredictable. But you can flare less with ebbgly. A once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema. After an initial four-month- or longer dosing phase,

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retailers nationwide. Visit avocado mattress.com. That's avocado mattress.com. Addiction doesn't give a shit where you came from. I just happened to be fortunate to not have a criminal record because of it. when you look back on it now do you feel guilty in a way that others

especially as a listener at the show that others didn't get that same experience absolutely absolutely because um you know I'm sure

I was you know at the low some of my lowest points right I'm the lowest of the low maybe I can tie this all of it together um my wife well she wasn't

my wife, she was my girlfriend at the time. We had an apartment, you know, and I, I don't want to say, if you're listening to this, my wife, I love you. I'm sorry, because she deserves so much more credit than she'll ever get. We had an apartment in Glastonbury at the time. She would take my keys, right she'd take my keys because she knew if I left the house I was inevitably going to end up going to get some dope and I would take off I'd go get dope I'd take off I'd take off I shut my phone off and I'd disappear for hours and hours and some of my very lowest points I'd um I'd get up at like six o'clock in the morning most of the time because I probably couldn't sleep because I was getting starting to get dope sick.

I'd have maybe 40 bucks. You know, I'd sneak out of the, out of the apartment, run down the street to a bus stop, you know, get a two-hour bus pass, ride the bus into Hartford, you know, run up Park Street. There used to be different corners, like Park and Hungerford was always the dope corner. I could get a bus.

bundle dope, maybe bundle one a half, turn around, run my ass back down to Main Street, and catch a bus back to Glastonbury. And I guess where I was going with this, you know, I'm sure there are dozens of other drug addicts running up and down, doing their thing in cars, whatever, that had every opportunity to get sober, get arrested, have, you know, the opportunities that I did. But because of where I was raised, I had more opportunity to take advantage of the criminal justice system than someone who was not raised in Glastonbury, but still ended up addicted to heroin.

Did your girlfriend know you were an addict? Yeah. Yeah. She did. And so, man, we're really jumping around here. I'm sorry. And I apologize for that. So we went to high school together.

We went our separate ways. She went to college. She got an education. You know, I dropped out of Plymouth. I came back to Connecticut, did my thing. I went to rehab a couple times in between. Always stayed in touch with her because I just don't know what it was, but I was always trying to chase her down. And she just never gave me the time of day.

And I went to, ended up going to Dallas to get sober. And so when we first started dating, I was sober. And she didn't know, but she didn't know that I was in recovery, that I used to be a drug addict. And I relapsed when we were together. And so she ultimately did, of course, find out that I was a drug addict. I know what was her reaction to that? My wife, she has the best. biggest heart of any any person I've ever met in my entire life.

Of course, she was not thrilled, you know, and, but she stayed with me. She drove me to detox countless times. I mean, she stayed with me through different apartments. I dragged that woman through active heroin addiction, and she stayed with me throughout all of it. Um, you know, and so, um, like I said, man, she deserves all the credit in the world because she, I love her to death. She stayed with me through my darkest times. She stays with me now. Even, you know, I am far from a perfect person now and we have a beautiful life together.

Why do you think she stayed with you? Look, I think that's who she is. Um, she gives, she will give, she's to give you. the shirt off her back type of type of person and um you know i for a little bit of it on i think my parents kind of put her in a little bit of an unfortunate situation they would go to florida they'd go to florida in in the winters and but i wasn't welcome in their house and so you know my wife will tell you well i was too nice to go let you live in your car so i let you in the apartment, you know, and I believe me, I spent plenty of nights in the car because of my addiction, but she, for whatever reason, stuck it out.

Did you have a real job during the peak of your heroin addiction? Oh, no, just jumping from part-time job to part-time job to part-time job, you know, I couldn't. I was unemployable. I was a wreck, man, you know. But trying to hold up a heroin addiction is just destructive to you and everybody around you. And I stole from employers. One of my arrests was from one of my employers that I was right and I was stealing checks from. You know, I'm not proud of that. And like I said, I did things for, you know, my addiction that I said I would never do.

Do you think that the addiction makes those things excusable? going back in time? No. No. I don't think that it makes them excusable. I think my drug addiction or your drug addiction or alcoholism can make you do things as a result of, you know, I didn't need money because I was a drug addict, you know. And so I had felt I had no other option but to steal from my employer. And that's not excusable.

And I faced a consequence. I was arrested. And but I was fortunate enough to use a court program. And, you know, it's not all that's there is the record of my arrest. Now, you said you were in and out of detoxes. Yeah. When was that first time you wanted to even try a detox? And what did it take to get you to that point, even though it didn't work?

Yeah. So the first place I went to was called High Watch. It's up in Ken. in a beautiful place, a 12-step-based place. And I was 20 years old, and I think I'd maybe just started using heroin. My parents knew that I was a drug addict. And, you know, I remember them sent me down at the kitchen table one day, and they're like, you know, we think you need to go to rehab.

And I was like, okay, you know, whatever. I just wanted to get the heat off my ass. And so I went up to this place for 28 days. I detoxed. It was miserable. And, you know, I did my 28 days and I got out. And I had a bag of dope in my hand three days later. Why do you think that was?

Well, I wasn't. I wasn't ready to get sober at all. Wasn't ready to stop doing dope. 100%. And what do you mean by not ready? Is it like a mental thing? Is it a physical thing? Both, maybe. You know, everybody's journey story is different.

You know, I'm a guy who sponsored me in Dallas. It didn't get so over until he was 41. You know, that guy helped save my life. You know, me, it took me, I mean, I went to rehab. I've been to rehab in Connecticut, New Hampshire, Arizona, Texas. You know, it takes what it takes, and I just wasn't ready, wasn't ready at 20 years old. How many years passed by until you were actually ready? Eight, eight more.

Eight more. Yeah. So you were 20. Stop shooting dove in 2018. And you were 20? Yep. Okay. I'll be 34 next month.

Yeah. Or 27? Yeah, 27. Yeah, 27. Sorry, I'm so bad at math. No, you're good. The math doesn't really matter. Just to give the audience an idea. Yeah, seven years. Seven years of hell. In and out of rehabs. In and out of detoxes. Just trying to string it together.

Who eats the bills for all of those rehabs, detoxes? Was that your family? Was that you? Yep. I mean, until I was 26, no, you can stay on your parents' health insurance until you're 26. And so because I was fortunate, you know, my family paid for rehabs. do you think because it wasn't coming out of your pocket like you weren't paying for it you weren't having to work for that you didn't necessarily care as much as you could have had you been the one physically paying to get sober like you know we hear that theory about we don't really value things unless we're the ones that worked hard to get it yeah that's true i own a house um yeah uh because you know i um i was not held accountable For, you know, like I said, I love my parents to death, but they were naive. You know, they, they always want to, they wanted to do what's best for me. They want, still want what's best for me. But I didn't have any responsibility. You know, I didn't have a career. I didn't have a job. I didn't have a girlfriend or anything at the time. I was just, you know, I was just causing, wrecking havoc in my own life and my family's life. And they were just trying to stop it, you know. Tell us about that transformation to getting sober. So there's, man, there's a, so I went to this place called the Greenhouse in Dallas,

Arlington, Texas, technically. It was an old Betty Ford spa. And I went there twice, actually, twice in one year. And so the first time I went there, I met this guy, named James Carroll and I can give him a shout out James I love you to death if you're in the Dallas area and you need an LCSW James Carroll is your man I'll never forget this dude I was sitting I was miserable I was detoxing I was sitting in a chair and for everybody who's been in a detox or rehab you know they check your vitals every fucking hour or two it's just so

annoying when you're detoxing it's the worst thing and I'm sitting in this chair and this guy James comes strolling up to me and he's like you do he's like you shoot dope right and I was like yeah and he's like that's what I thought and turned around and walked away and I was just like what the fuck was that and he ended up being he ended up taking us to like 12-step meeting stuff like that but he I used to say I say that he He saved my life. I gave him, give him credit for saving my life

because he gave him my first big book, AA, big book. So I went to the greenhouse for the first time. This is February of 2013. And then I went to a sober house in Derry, New Hampshire, called The Granite House. There's an episode,

it was a shorter guy. He had like a crazy heart surgery, one of the episodes. It was wild. I think it was wild. back but he mentioned i heard him mention the name eric spofford yeah so this the granite house is eric spofford's first like venture like his first sober house uh it was 12 step based um they didn't fuck around it would i mean this place was like the lord of the flies it was like you

they found like 28 of the sickest kids and like stuck them in this house together and just shoved a a your throat and um you know we we were told you need to do this shit or else you're going to fucking die and um you know they it was it was rude very routine oriented it was you wake up you do your chores you have we did like circle time you do your reading it's breakfast uh there was like very it was very routine oriented and um that was my first exposure to to A.A. to Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I spent eight months in Eric Spoff, in the Granite House, which really kind of shaped my sobriety in the future

because of the seeds that were planted in terms of the 12 steps. So I spent eight months in the Granite House in New Hampshire, and then I went to I went home for a weekend and I relapsed. I overdosed in the hospital. I remember my parents saying, well, we think you should go, we think you should go back to rehab. And for whatever reason, I remembered James Carroll. And I said, well, if you want me to go back to rehab, I'm going back to Texas. And so a couple days later, I was back in Texas.

And after that time, I think I stayed there for 45 days a time around. I detoxed in the hospital after my overdose. So, you know, this rehab was like, it was like, you know, it was a cakewalk that time. And I made the decision to stay in Dallas. And so I lived in Dallas from my second time at the greenhouse was in the end of August of 2013. and I stayed in Dallas until spring of 2016. But you said you didn't get sober fully until 2018. That's correct.

So you were in and out of those situations over the years. So I stayed sober in that. So I'd take that back. So I stayed sober for the majority of my time in Dallas. I met this guy who was very wealthy. He owned a men's club in Dallas. and there's a saying, you know, if you hang around the barbershop long enough, you're bound to get a haircut. One day I walked into the strip club, and he said, what are you drinking?

And I said, I'll take a vodka rebel. And that started, so that was probably winter, like, jubber, like jose. January of 2016. And I was back in Connecticut by March because I was drinking too much. I was back smoking weed and I tore my life up in January, February, Martha, in three months. What brings you to the breaking point in 2018 to finally get sober? Man. Fully.

It will make me get emotional here, man. So once I moved back to Connecticut, my now wife decided to, for whatever reason, give me the time of day. And we started dating. And so she had obviously become a big part of my life. I dragged her through an active addiction. My parents were at the end of their rope. I'd burnt every bridge, possible. I had a bad overdose in my car.

And I was, thank Christ, I was not. I wasn't going faster than five miles an hour. I remember coping the dope. I sniffed a whole bundle. And the last thing I remember was getting on the highway in the south at Hartford. And I woke up in the back of the ambulance. and I guess I had gone to McDonald's and overdosed in the drive-thru. And so they pulled me out.

I was in the ambulance. And they took me to the hospital, and I spent a couple days up there. My parents came up. My now wife, you know, she looked at me. you know and she said Brendan I'm going to turn around and walk out that door and you're never going to see me again

you know and um she fucking meant it that time you know she meant it and my father the attorney that he has had this manila

folder and he's like, this is all the money that you've stolen from me. These are all the checks that, bad checks you've written. He kept track of everything. And he's like, oh, I'm still within the statute of limitations. He's like, this is it. You know, this is, and it was a turning point in my life that, you know, it changed my life, you know.

And I was not willing, you know, to let go of my wife. And, you know, I was told that, you know, a bottom is when the last thing you're about to lose matters more than the drink or the drug. You know, and I was laying in that hospital bed looking at the last things I was about to lose. that mattered more than a drink or the drug, you know. And, man, so I got out of that hospital. And I used. I used again. And so they got me into this detox called Scad in New London.

by this time I was like on state insurance and it was the only place I could get a bed and um we my wife dropped me off there she was like get to fuck out of the car you know and and took off and um she was like you'd call me in a week maybe I'll come get you you know and um so I stayed there for seven days and and one of the counselors while I was there asked me if I knew if I'd ever heard of Vivitrol and it's because I had tried Suboxin I tried methadone you know you fucking name it I tried everything to get so over and um nothing worked and so the Vivitrol is this it's a shot in the ass once a month um and it's like a blocker or a curbs craving and stuff like that.

And this woman was like, I think you'd be a good candidate for us. And I was like, sure, okay, fine, whatever. Because, you know, there's a, I had become so desperate, you know, that I was willing to grab onto anything. And so I did my seven days, the next appointment that I could get for the video,

of a troll shot was like a week after I had gotten discharged. So I made it to the shot. I made it to get that first injection by the skin of my T, you know, the skin of my chin. America's first pledge was freedom. Jeep still carries that fighting spirit. With the Jeep declaration of deals, we're pledging our allegiance to the American people with great deals on the luxurious Grand Cherokee, with available three-row seating, premium craftsmanship and tech that turns every drive into an adventure.

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And, you know, it was a crutch that I needed. And it helped me, you know, I was on it. So I was on it for two years. I got my EFT license. I got married and right before, well, right after COVID. So it was like it provided me with opportunities that I wasn't willing to give myself for so long. And, you know, me becoming an EMT has really, that kind of has helped shape who I am today. And I like to think that because of my past experiences, it helps me in certain situations at work too.

and but now working, you know, I worked through the end of COVID, you know, and I still work. I work mainly nights now, and that's becoming an EMT who has presented plenty of other issues that I've gotten through and not shot dope over. So, yeah, the Vivitral shot, man. I tell people at work, and I hope, I'm probably not supposed to, because I'm just a EMT, but, you know, that shot saved my life. How does it feel to be working as an EMT and seeing the old you in others? You know, I'm sure you've been on a lot of overdose calls, working with addicts and whatnot.

How does that make you feel? Fortunate, grateful, really grateful. my job you know and it's any time anytime i'm having a shitty day uh you know it's every anytime i'm having a shitty day uh you know in a bad attitude whatever it's my job has a way of telling me that it could always be worse and you know i we pick up people all the time that i see my old self in and you know what I've recognized now more than ever is when you're talking to someone who just has absolutely no interest in being helped. And what hits home with me and how much I didn't see the damage that I was causing because I was so unwilling to take the help that was trying to be offered to me.

What about the ones that don't make it? How do you feel that, you know, those individuals went through the same lifestyle you did but don't make it and yet here you are today? Yeah. Why them? Why them? Why them because of me? Or not because of me. Why them instead of me? You know, I overdosed. The company that I worked for transported me like, I think twice before, you know, years ago before I worked, you know, was employed by them. Um, it, yeah, it's, you know, I have, I have PTSD from work. You know, they say if you're in a first responder field for more than two years, whether you're diagnosed professionally or not, do you have PTSD? And, um, so, uh, you know, it's something I work with, with, uh, I see, you know, I talk with a therapist who works with first responders only about vicarious trauma and

survivors guilt and PTSD. and stuff like that. And, you know, over the years, I've been with this company almost five years now. And you learn to compartmentalize things. You learn to separate the emotion from, like, I got to go do CPR on this 34-year-old who, you know, did a hot shot. And his mom found him. And she's freaking out in the kitchen. And we got to work him for 20 minutes when we know he's already dead.

You know, it's, um, sometimes I'll, you know, I call my wife. I'll call my wife to say, I love you, you know, or, um, you know, it's, there's no, there's no reason. I don't know, man. Why am I sitting here? Why didn't I die those two nights? You know, why didn't I die in my car that night at McDonald's? But this fucking guy, you know, just one day, just, you know, um, yeah, it's, it can be heavy

sometimes. Does encountering addicts in your line of work give you the itch to do drugs? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. There is nothing in my life today that shooting dope is going to make better. You know, I have two daughters. I own a home. You know, I'm like a responsible adult today. You know, there is, I've, I have the ability now to play the take. through, so to speak. And I can literally break it down to it's as simple as it's just not fucking worth it. You know, I don't have, I'm very fortunate. I don't have cravings.

I don't have triggers, you know. But what's my biggest PTSD manifests itself in me in anger. And it's something that I work on with my therapist. It's something I work on every day. You know, I'm far from a perfect human being, but, you know, I don't shoot dope because of it. And, you know, I'm not willing to lose everything that I've worked for thus far. Do you think you've been able to heal your initial traumas, I guess you would say, issues that led to addiction, like wanting to be like, do I find to fit in? Do you think you've been able to heal those root causes?

Um, yeah. I mean, of course I still want to be liked. You know, I want to be liked by my coworkers, by my, my family, my peers, everybody, you know. I think that that'll never go away. But, um, you know, I'm, I'm confident in the person that I am today, you know, I don't have to hide. I can walk around with my chin held high. You know, um, I'm a productive member of society today. And, and, um, you know, I'm very fortunate for those. life that I have. What advice would you give your teenage self if you go back in time, sit across from that person? Man, everything's temporary. Everything's temporary. What you're feeling, your struggles, the highs, the lows, everything temporary. And no matter what, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You just may have to do some work to get to where you can see it, you know.

and yeah man i'm i'm i think that yeah that's a that's that's what i would say Brendan i appreciate you coming on the show today man i really appreciate the opportunity man thank you yeah thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story the audience loves vulnerability and uh you were able to put it well through thanks man yeah i'm just i'm glad to be here i'm just another bozo on the bus you know I hope that I'm living proof that, you know, no matter how low you get, you can do the work, pick yourself back up and, you know, have a beautiful life. Yeah, and I think that gives a lot of inspiration to others. Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

Yeah, thank you. Thanks, see you.