Locked In with Ian Bick - Inside a Bartender’s Addiction: How Alcohol & Drugs Took Over His Life Until One Shocking Moment | Zak Williams

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Zak Williams shares his experience as a bartender, the impact of alcohol and drug addiction, and the turning point that changed his life. He discusses how substance use affected his career, relationships, and mental health, and what led him to seek recovery. Zak also talks about his journey to sobriety and the steps he took to rebuild his life. #BartenderLife #AddictionRecovery #AlcoholAbuse #DrugAddiction #LifeChangingMoment #SobrietyJourney Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Connect with Zak Williams: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/champerz?igsh=NWFnYTc0NTMydmE2 YouTube: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCXSDG9KIR7sGiyvSV03p6ZQ Music: https://music.apple.com/us/artist/zak-williams/1695017011 Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Thank you to our sponsors this week: Buy Merch: https://www.ianbick.com/shop Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 Introduction to Zak Williams, Vermont Hip-Hop Artist 00:05:56 A Unique Childhood: Military Discipline and a Free-Spirited Mother 00:13:05 Transition from High School to College Football 00:20:06 The Influence of Sports and Lifestyle Choices 00:26:48 The Impact of Addiction in Family 00:33:42 Intense Confrontation and Escape 00:40:52 Life of a Bartender: Partying and Late Nights 00:48:00 Confronting Family Resentment and Addiction 00:55:23 Hiding Alcohol from Loved Ones 01:03:38 Overcoming Challenges Together as a Family 01:09:34 Debt and Dangerous Encounters 01:17:56 Rock Bottom and Suicidal Thoughts 01:24:32 Understanding Signs of Alcohol Dependency 01:32:31 A New Beginning in Rehab 01:38:45 Adventure at Bigam Falls Goes Wrong 01:45:38 Mountain Rescue and Injury 01:52:28 Sharing Wakeup Call Stories Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The AG Jeans Summer 2026 collection is here. Inspired by the relaxed elegance of California wine country, designed for easy mornings, slow afternoons, and elevated evenings. The collection features effortless silhouettes, premium denim washes, and refined details that move naturally through the day. Our limited edition capsule with Napa Valley's Stony Hill Vineyard includes raw salvage denim and timeless essentials designed to age beautifully, like fine wine. Discover the collection at agjeans.com and enjoy 15% off with code summer 15,

even if you've shopped with us before. All right, Zach, welcome to Lockton. You are from Vermont. I don't know if we've had a Vermont guest. Hopefully, yeah, maybe the first. Yeah, maybe we did. I don't know. I don't remember off the top of my head.

There's so many guests. It would be cool once I hit like every single state of guests. But thanks for coming. Thanks for being a listener of the show. You drove almost five hours to get here today and none of your friends want to make the trip with you. Nobody wanted to come. Thank you so much for having me.

Huge fan. And I'm really excited to share my story and I just, yeah, I love being a part of what you've got going on. Thank you, man. Well, we love you being a part of it because that's what it's all about, you know, the guests that make the show what it is that are able to share their stories and come on. And you're also a rapper, right?

I want you to plug in your music and then what kind of music it is that you do. Yeah. So I perform hip-hop. Zach Williams music. Or, yeah, I'm on Apple Music, Spotify. YouTube, JG Productions is the guy I work with. Joey Groom. Shout out Joey Groom. He makes all the beats and I just write and rap. He does everything else. So, you know, all the credit to him. That's awesome. And you look like logic too.

Which is so funny because now that, yeah, just meeting you and hearing you say that I've, I have co-workers that call me logic too. Yeah, and everyone calls me logic, but you look more like logic than I do. I think there was a guy, maybe his name was Charles or Charles, I forgot, but that I was telling you about off-camera that looked like logic that came on the show too. He was from, I believe, New Jersey, though. Nice. It's always the ex-addicts that literally logic. So did you grow up in Vermont? I did. I was born in Redwood City, California, and my parents separated, and my mom moved me back to Waterbury, Vermont, where I grew up my whole life. I think I moved there when I was like three or four, maybe even a little earlier. I grew up in Waterbury all the way throughout

high school. California's a huge difference to Vermont. I remember absolutely nothing other than banana slugs, which are out in California. And I remember one time I choked on like a penny and my dad like, you know, whatever, you'd slap the back and make me coughed out. But other than that, I don't remember anything. I don't have any, like, friends or anything out there. My cousin's actually a professional dancer in L.A., so that's really the only tie I still have. So Waterbury is everything. Your cousin's not a part of that cult is, is she or he?

He's not. Not the which cult is. There was that big, I think, Netflix or Hulu or something documentary about the cult dancers or whatever, the TikTokers? Not him. No, he's definitely, he's incredibly talented. I always joke because I'm five years older, but we grew up as neighbors.

And his siblings are much older. So him and I kind of became like brothers. And I'm an only child. So I, you know, we gravitated and we're still extremely close. But I always joke that I taught him everything he knows because I started dancing before him. and now he's a professional dancer. Do you still like dancing?

I love dancing. And I have a pretty severe injury that we'll get into later. I can't dance anymore, really. But I absolutely love being at a wedding or a party, and you'll always find me in the back, you know, bust in a move or something like that. That's funny. I used to do break dancing.

I wasn't good at it. Yeah, I tried it all. Like that with the windmill or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yep. and then I did musical theater all four years of high school. But worse singer, worst dancer. But I did it.

I liked it. It was me. It's all you got to do is just keep doing it. So did you have any relationship with your dad when you moved out here? Yeah. So my dad was a big part of my, so my parents were never, my whole life from birth. They were never together. I think they briefly married for like less than a year.

but we with the custody thing i i would see him like every other weekend and as i got a little bit older um like every weekend if it if like i decided to uh but him and i were really close up until 18 um i played football from fourth grade until for end of freshman year in college um and he was a professional weightlift He had a small stint with the Baltimore Orioles like AAA team. So he was, you know, athletic and fit and really took working out seriously. So when I started football, I gravitated towards that. He owned a gym, the majority of my childhood in Stowe, Vermont.

And, yeah, we really bonded over just working out football. He was the dad that would go out to the field. with just the two of us and he would he'd be my quarterback and I he'd be my receiver and you know just when I was really uh committed to football um which I was he was a huge part of that so we we bonded and we're really close over that um and but the majority of my time was with my mom um she was my best friend um kind of two polar opposite figures um you know the term opposites attract they did not attract. My mom was sort of your free spirit, just, you know, wind at her back, flying through life. And my dad was much more, comes from a military family, structure.

Yes, sir, no, sir. Very disciplined and very strict. Yeah. What did your mom do for work? My mom was kind of all over the place. She was the majority of my childhood. She was in her own recovery from AA. And she worked at like a horse medicine thing at one point. She helped open a doggie daycare. She kind of just she sold pottery or jewelry. So yeah, I never, she wasn't.

really tied down to anything. She kind of just did whatever she could. Um, advertising a little bit. Um, but yeah, just, um, like weekdays for school and everything. It was always just me and my mom. Um, and she would have, you know, a relationship here and there. Um, and eventually ended up marrying in 2008. So, yeah, my, my freshman year. So do you guys struggle for money when you were living with her? Um, if we did, I didn't know it. We got extremely fortunate that my grandfather, my mom's parents, very well established in the Waterbury community. And he had some land that he let my mom and her younger sister build homes on. So I think up until then, yeah, I never really felt like we were.

but I was never the kid to I it was never like a material thing like I didn't I didn't get a lot of stuff but I didn't need a lot of stuff so I was absolutely the kid who was out skateboarding with his friends um causing ruckus around town you know this is late 90s early mid 2000s where you know you could be out late and setting off fireworks into people's mailboxes and causing a ruckus and it wasn't really like frowned upon. But yeah, I never felt like, you know, we were struggling. I know now looking back, absolutely, like 100%. There was a lot of just internal stuff with addiction and bad financial decisions

with her partners that now look at. looking back and doing a lot of, you know, self-reflecting. Like, we were hurting, but it didn't feel like it. How would people describe you? Like, if we had some of your friends from back then here right now, what would they say? Life of the party. Friends with everyone. Sports guy, kind of jock, but also, you know, just energetic.

I have had a ton of friends, you know, and I got along with pretty much everybody. I mean, the cool thing about growing up in Waterbury and going to the high school I did was that there wasn't, it wasn't very clicky. You did have it, but, you know, there's 800 kids in the high school, so it's not a big school. and there's 160 people in my graduating class, I would say like 80% of us were acquaintances. Like we, you know, the stereotypical, you know, cabin parties out in the field, you know, kind of, you know, from the sticks. And at any time, there'd be 50, 60, 70 of us there.

And we were all, you know, like crazy night last night, you know, on Monday morning or like, you know, the teachers would ask us, oh, would you guys do this weekend? We'd all, like, laugh under our breath. But, yeah, I mean, I would hope that they would describe me as, like, you know, a friendly, energetic at sports guy. Yeah. How big was your high school?

Under 900. For the whole four grades? For the whole four grades. My graduated class was 900. Yeah, well, my fiancé, yeah, she grew up in Virginia, and her, graduating class was like 1,200 or something like that. So yeah, super small.

And you know, it was just kind of, you knew everybody. You know, extremely word travels fast, you know, people knew something the second it happened because so-and-so said and then, you know, they're friends and yeah, yeah. So.

And so it was a public high school that you went to. Yeah, public. Public school from pre-K to 12th grade, all public school. Were you well-known, popular because he did sports? I mean, yes. I definitely, my mom's side of the family, they named, so they named the high school after my great-grandfather because he was the town doctor. So Waterbury So the high school I went to Had seven or eight different towns

And he was the like home doctor Back in those times For that whole area So Harwood Union High School My mom's side of the family are Harwoods So I mean Yeah like my my grandfather

My family were definitely well known And I think I was Just kind of a product of, you know, being a part of their family. So they have that generational wealth over there. Well, yeah, I mean, my grandfather absolutely succeeded and thrived in his career as like a radio weather, weather guy for WCAX, local news broadcasting thing, started a radio station with one of his best friends.

who was well known in the NASCAR community. So, I mean, everything, you know, family-wise, I mean, we were definitely, you know, a big family in the town and well-known and respected. And, yeah, being a part of that, definitely, I was known as Brian Harwood's grandson. So, yeah, I think that people knew who I was. Do you graduate high school and go to college?

Yeah. I did the graduating high school. school and thought, you know, I'm going to go right into college. I'm going to play football. I went to upstate New York, Oneonta. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So I went to Hartwick College and played on the football team there. Is that D2 or D3? It was D3. But they had like D1 soccer. So they they had competitive athletic programs. So yeah, played all the way through high school and then went into college at Hartwick on the football team and then got injured somewhere down the line and just lost the passion for smashing heads every day. I didn't lose the love of football by any means.

I'm still the biggest football guy. But just the wear and tear, I think, and the commitment. And this is where kind of my story starts as far as, you know, where it got to was once I stopped football, everything kind of started. But yeah, I started to lose like my discipline and the willingness to work out. And I honestly think it was a little bit of just how many years I did it, literally, from like fourth grade my dad had me doing pushups every single night before bed with weights on my back and training and running and I think just like you know 11 12 years of just doing that every single day I had the mentality of like I'm 18 you can't tell me what to do um so yeah did you have aspirations to do something career uh career wise or were you just doing it to see

for football and thinking you were going the distance with that Yeah, absolutely no direction. I had no career picked out. I had no, I really didn't have any dreams or aspirations. I was kind of just doing what I thought was supposed to be done. Going back to sort of the money thing with my mom, you know, she sold the house that she built to pay for college. So, you know, I remember the day I called my mom and told her I didn't want to go to school anymore. And my dad drove to my dorm to pick me up, to take me on a drive to talk to me about what a terrible decision I'm making. And yeah, I don't know why that, like, rubbed me the wrong way. Um, but, you know, yeah, I was just tired of just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Um, but yeah, that was crazy to find out that she like sold the house to, to pay. Um, and I was like, I think that's pretty extreme, you know, um, so yeah. Um, so yeah, just.

How old are you when you got injured? How many years into college? It was first year. Um, yeah. Um, yeah. I mean, it was, I was, you know, D3, so it's competitive, but, you know, it's not D1. Like, I remember there was a, there was a quarterback that played for Hartwick that had a shot at, like, the NFL combine and, like, tried out. I forget what his name is. But, you know, I don't think any of us were, like, anticipating on, you know, making a career out of playing football. But there were some big kids. And being in Vermont, I was recognized as one of the top Vermont guys playing in like the North South game and, you know, best of the state and the shrine, best of New Hampshire and Vermont. So, you know, I stood out in that aspect, but it was extremely humbling to go to upstate New York and realize that these guys are just, I'm not, I'm not cut out for, you know, I'm going to have to.

cut off my leg to to sacrifice some height or something because I'm just not a I'm not going to cut it here. So I think I also had like a realization that is like, all right, I'm, you know, last string. I'm, you know, busting my ass, but I'm really not going. I felt very stagnant like I wasn't making any progress. So I think at that point I was quick to kind of give up on that dream. So yeah, I was first year. I was out. So what happens after that when you get cut out of that?

Yeah, I joined a fraternity. So I joined a fraternity and I just dove headfirst into that world of partying and girls and skipping class and stealing. No real like big crime stuff. but, you know, just being, our fraternity was not like a well-respected giving back to the community. It was kind of just like the, I don't want to sound bad saying this, but like the degenerates who, you know, had a house that we could party in. But we were extremely close and I love the guys. And, but that, that was immediately after stopping football was just, that was like the starting point of, you know, the party atmosphere. And then it just, that took over for the next 10 years.

Had you ever experienced drugs or alcohol before that, like in high school or even earlier than that? A little bit. So, you know, sophomore year, I think was the first time I got. drunk in high school. And I remember my girlfriend at the time, I like called her and I was just like a little kid like drag me up the stairs and like throwing up and and all that stuff. Like we partied, but it was not, it was just like you got drunk every other weekend at in your friend's basement. We actually, my senior year, we built a full size cabin in my backyard because my mom, you know, before she sold the house, we had this beautiful home with, you know, eight, nine,

10 acres. And there was this perfect spot. And, you know, we got ambitious one summer and we built a cabin. And we were like, this will be the perfect place to party. Private road. Cops can't come on it. You know, we thought we had it, like, mapped out. But yeah, it was just like, you know, you got drunk and your friend did something stupid. But it was. not a, it was not like a lifestyle. It was for me and a lot of the people that I was close with and still close with some of them, it was, it was sports were the driving force for everything. And we knew that, you know, like, for some, somehow we were aware that like, you know, the partying and sports don't go well together. Like, you can't, you can't be the messed up kid

who, can you swear on this? Okay. You listen to the show. I know. It's a whole different. I know. Everyone asks that. You can't be the fucked up kid and doing sports.

But yeah, once sports was gone, it was like a snowball. It just kept going. What's something that, you know, someone could have helped you with when you lost sports to kind of, you know, ensure that you didn't take that path? I don't know if anyone could have done anything. I feel pretty confident that I was... So I leave football. I'm still in school.

And there's all this freedom. There's, you know, no authority really telling me what to do. I think I was pretty resentful of my dad. For looking back, I think it was. the way that he communicated with me kind of pushed me away. And I did that and I did that. And later I'll talk about where we are now.

But like I did that because I didn't want to be talked to like that. I thought I'm good. Like don't don't worry about me. Very kind of like lone wolf. Let me let me just do me. And then my mom, she really didn't have a hold of me. She was kind of like my best friend. She wasn't really like, I don't want to say I didn't respect her as a mom,

but I knew that I, what I can get away with. And I knew that she was not going to, you know, strap me down and say, like, you know, you got to figure it out because, I mean, at the time when I stopped football, that's when she actually relapsed. So, you know, in my mind, I'm like, how are you going to tell me? you know, what to do. So, yeah, I don't think, I don't think, looking back, I wish there was kind of like a male figure or like someone that could have drawn me back and really kind of like checked me.

But also knowing myself, it would have had to have been done in a way that I would have been able to receive it, if that makes sense. What was your dad's reaction to losing football because he was such a big part of that in your childhood. Yeah, I mean, he thought I threw my life away. Definitely, you know, thought, worst, worst decision of your life. How could you? You know, I hope, I hope you feel the repercussions of this. You know, you're, you're not going to amount to anything. I think the one thing that really made me disassociate with him at that time was there was never any positive language spoken about my mom, who I was extremely close with. And I respected my dad, and I still do.

But the fact that he never had anything nice to say was like, okay, like who are you? You know, like you think you're all high and mighty and I just I don't like I don't like when people think they're above people and I've I felt like that for a long time and I think that's something that my mom taught me because you know she was open to open to everybody like just always there for people and always you know nobody was too big for the moment like she would sit down and talk with anybody. That's what I get from you. Just, you know, we've never met before.

And just, you know, you getting to learn about people, that's kind of how she was too. So. It's a good trait to have. I think it's one of the most important traits and skills and things that we can do to just make life easier. Like, why walk around with, you know, he has that. He acts like, you know, it's like,

chill out. Why do you think because most people, you know, drink, party, maybe dabble in some drugs in college and it stays kind of in college and then they grow out of it. Why do you think you're spiraled past college? I think a little bit of it is genetics. My, there's like, I haven't done like enough tracking, but I know that on my mom's side of the family, there's a running line of addiction somewhere in there. but she definitely took it way beyond, I think anyone else in our family did. Her biggest thing was alcohol,

but like I said, she for, I forget if it was over 20 years, but like from the time I was, she was pregnant with me up until, like, 17, she was clean and sober. So like the mom that I grew up knowing was my real mom. And then, yeah, once I left for college, she, like I said, she got married in 2008 to a musician. Do you know the band Fish?

Yeah. So she got married to one of the, not like the original bandfish who's still like touring today, but one of the like pedal steel banjo players who was. was a part of fish in their, like, you know, early days. So, you know, well, well respected in the music community. But she married him and he came into our life and everything was good for a while, but he brought the drugs back into the home and he brought the alcohol back in. So I have a very negative taste for him doing that because two addicts living,

together who are in recovery. Recipe for disaster. Recipe for disaster. So they both relapsed together and that went on until you know my mom and him have both passed.

So they did that from that moment on all the way up until their death. So I think it stays in college because people have a goal. People have, you know, they go, they find their major, they find the workforce that they want to enter. I didn't have that. I was not, that was not me.

And yeah, I, that's kind of the best answer I can give. I, I, a little bit's genetics and a little bit is like having a plan. And I did not have a plan. Do you successfully graduate college? No. Nope. I left after a year and a half. I was on academic probation for pretty much, I think I made it through the first semester. And then I was on academic probation from like then on.

They allowed me to come back for the first semester of my second year. But then they were like, dude, you're not even trying. like, which sucked because I had some really good close friends that I'm, that I don't talk to as much now. But, I mean, you know, those friends in different stages of your life. That was a huge, huge part because there were some really good friends that, that I, I miss and I kind of wish, you know, how life would be different if, if like four years of successful college and, you know, where I look at them now and, you know, it's cool to see, like, where they are. Yeah.

I do the same thing all the time on Facebook because I would say probably 100% of all the people I was with in high school, maybe give or take a few, went off to college, got careers. And granted, everything ended up working out for me, but I remember those years of it not working out for me and seeing them go through that success and life and a lot of them getting married now and all of these things that they had from college and that experience. And then I'm over here just, you know, talking about prison, but it's starting to work out. Yeah, I think, I think that's also super important as we get older too and just realizing, like, there are big, there's like big moments where you, you make decisions good and bad for whatever reason.

But, you know, it's about the journey, right? It's like, I don't want to say like, you know, look at you now, but like, look at you. Like everything is working out and just like for me, like these last two plus years, you know, I couldn't be in a happier place. But to get there, it was hard looking at all those friends and people, even friends from high school. just doing it, you know, in a way that was not knocking on death's door and almost losing everything. But now looking at it, I couldn't be happier for every person, you know, that's doing well. Yeah, and you also can't compare yourself to others.

You know, that's what social media makes you do, compare, compare, but you'll drive yourself crazy doing that. And a lot of it's not even real, uh, what people do. Yeah. And display on social media. I know people that, you know, they're posting a happy relationship and meanwhile, she's sliding into someone else's DMs or vice versa. Like it just, it's never really as it seems. Yeah. I definitely, um, I'm, I'm, I'm happy that I didn't the, like my AM 31. So like I still, you know, grew up without kind of the, you know, where kids are now, where it's just all they see and all they consume. But you're so right because, you know, at some point in time, we all fall to, you know, the scrolling and looking and, like, you know, you will absolutely drive yourself crazy.

And I definitely think I did that for a little bit. So what happens when you leave college? What does that look like? Yeah. I come right back to Waterbury and I can't go home because there's a there's a restraining order against me because prior to leaving for college sort of I think the one of like four or five monumental trauma moments. my stepdad came home from a gig and we had a long windy dirt road that led to our house

and on that dirt road he totaled our minivan and it was still driveable so he crashes on the dirt road and drives up to our house so I can remember it so well because we had a long hallway when you open the front door and my room was the first door on the left.

So he totaled the car and I see him sort of like walking and pacing around the house. And I go out and I look and I just see the minivan like front bumpers falling off and red flag right there. So and keep in mind this is right before college. but so he walks in and he decks my mom in the face and just walks up and punches her and I'm 18 about to go to school I'm probably you know as big as I'll ever be as far as muscle I'm you know this guy's like 6-1 but he's like he's a musician he's I'm like I'm gonna I'm gonna beat your ass like so we get in this huge huge fight um fist fight and my mom like ran away at one point but I've got him like unconscious right now

and I go to my room and an arm grabs my hand from inside of my closet and it's my mom covering herself with all of my clothes and tells me to get out just leave so like I said my aunt my grandpa parents had the land and the house and my mom's sister and my mom were built houses. So we were within walking distance to, I had two like places I could go. So, you know, I'm like, what are you doing? You know, like, come with me and she's not going to go. She's not leaving. So I leave. And, you know, at this point, I don't care if he's going to. He's going to wake up or if he's not going to wake up because I'm just blown away. I had I had been like verbally abused but I had never witnessed like any hitting. And so I drive to my grandparents' house

and I call the cops and I'm like, you know, my stepdad's up there. He just, you know, I don't know if my mom's going to die right now because, you know, this dude is just off. He is, it's, it's come to find out it was meth. But he looks like Johnny Cash, just all black sunglasses on. And so I call the cops and I'm explaining the situation. And in the rear of your mirror, he's walking down the road. And like my grandparents are not home. They're out doing whatever they're doing.

I'm by myself in my truck. And I'm on the phone with dispatch. and he's walking down the road, walking to my car. And he's got a giant kitchen knife in his hand. So I'm on the phone and I'm saying, you know, he's right behind me. He's walking up. He's got a knife. Both my dogs are with him.

Like dirt road, big open area. So can't miss it. And so I'm, and they're like stay on the phone, blah, blah, blah. so I just lean the seat back and I'm just as still as can be. This dude is so messed up. He walks right by my truck and storms off, but into the woods that we live in. But all the while, he's screaming, like, come here. I'm going to kill you.

Come find me. Like, where are you? You know, he's looking for me. Terrifying moment. But he walks off into the woods. and, you know, cops show up a couple minutes later, and they go on a hunt for him. They eventually find him and arrest him.

And then he wants to press charges against me. So that didn't lead to anything, thankfully. But that, so when I left college, I couldn't go back home. So my mom had sold the house and moved into this, like, just disgusting little two-bedroom, shitty apartment. And so I didn't know what to do. And my friend let me sleep on his couch. So both my best friend from high school and a kid that I've known since like second grade were living together.

Pretty close to where my mom was. So they let me sleep on the couch. And then my best friend ended up moving to Washington. So a room opened up and I was like, well, I got to get a job. So I became a dishwasher and moved in. So I started living there. And another big moment, six weeks into dishwashing, the restaurant I was working at had lost like three bartenders. So, you know, the bar manager was just like, you smile.

get down downstairs come and come and see what you know bartending is like fell in love hooked loved it and I'm under 21 so you know how funny is it to have a 19 year old

serving you drinks and someone's like how's this beer I'm like it's great you know and like but obviously not telling them that I'm 19 but you can be 18 and have your bartending like like you're you can bartend um so from right there um that that was like the after college

where i found like my place again like how i had in the fraternity i found that family again of restaurant people um so now i my job is uh a toxic environment My home is a toxic environment. Where I'm living right now is the party house. So that just, again, recipe for what's next to come. Looking to start 2026 with an unforgettable getaway. Fiji Airway sale is on now. Fly nonstop round trip to Fiji from just 748.

Or enjoy a sunny Fiji stopover on your way to Australia with round trip fairs starting from 839. As a one world alliance member, an American Airlines Advantage program partner, your miles go further across the South Pacific. Book now at Fiji Airways.com or contact your local travel agent. Conditions apply. Yeah. So what happens? So I start bartending and everything's going well. I fall in love with it. It's like an Irish pub. We do weddings. So I'm getting and I'm succeeding. So this is where I kind of feel like I found my calling. The direction I was looking for in college and high school, that's back. You know, I'm going to be a bartender.

So I start bartending and I'm at this one restaurant for three years. I work my way up to like bar manager and, you know, the whole, the whole restaurant loves me and I just I've developed this you know Zach's on shift like he's you know he's got it all it's gonna be a great night like you know kind of like the leader of um you know this group of friends that I have and then I go home to my apartment and I've got all my high school friends that that didn't leave and go to college that are still around. So, you know, extremely comfortable. Got just people that I've known and there's, why leave? You know, this is just awesome.

You know, every night is like party until 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, sometimes all night, wake up at 1 o'clock, go in and start bartending. So from then, we move apartments. So all the Meanwhile, my stepdad, you can see him, like, sitting on a park bench, you know, drinking out of a brown bag. My mom has really taken on not only the alcohol, but the drug addiction. And the first kind of signs of, oh, shit. You know, she's, this is a bad, this is bad. we'd go to like Thanksgiving dinner with her two sisters and my grandparents and each one of the my grandparents daughters. There was three daughters and each one of them had one boy. So there's three cousins

and you know three aunts and and but at that Thanksgiving my mom's got shades on inside and she is just saying the most out of pocket shit. like tweaking at the table. And I'm just so embarrassed. It's just like a kick to the stomach. Like, this is my mom. Like, are you kidding? Because the woman I knew was, you know, 5'7,

just strong, walked through a crowd, and people moved and like, you know, just beautiful woman. And now she looks like a junkie because she is. And so we move apartments, me and me and my, my homie, and we're still really close. But I switch jobs and I go to the town bar. So this is like it's called the reservoir, actually wearing the hat, another plug. But it's like the dream bartending job because it's smack in the middle of town.

It's got the pool table. It's got the good food. It's where everybody goes for break from school. Even, you know, the kids under 21, like they would family dinner. It was like it had it all. But the back part of the bar was like the late night, you know, party scene where, you know, you'd hook up with girls. You'd get drunk.

You'd shoot pool. You'd stand out on the deck and smoke cigarettes and freestyle. and do all this all this stuff so it was like i got the opportunity to work there and it was i felt like on top of the world i was like i've got the best bartending job in town i everybody comes and sees me now like i i guess it was a little bit of like an attention thing like i was always seeing friends and and just i felt very um i got a lot of gratification of being like the popular kid in town who was bartending and, you know, what does everyone like to do when you get together is drink. So I was able to be the person that provided the drinks. And then when work ended,

I would obviously join. So, but all the meanwhile, my mom would like stop in every now and then. And she, you know, everyone knew her as Jen, like, you know, Zach's mom. And she, but it was just really embarrassing. So anytime that that happened, so this is where I started to like want to break away and and like not I just I didn't like when my mom came around anymore, which now, you know, looking back, you know, I'm upset at myself for feeling like that, but you know, that's how I felt. I can't change that. But so yeah, I mean, just a lot of partying. And this is where the music started.

And so, you know, starting to rap. And I just, I feel like I'm just living on top of the world. And this is also the time that the drugs started to really come in. So I was dating this girl whose dad was getting these. It was basically like pill form crystal meth from like Canada like shipments. but it was like speed, you know. But, you know, Coke, speed, weed, obviously, just this concoction of just give me anything and I'll do it. And, you know, that was kind of my motto at that time.

Like, I don't know why I did this, but when I was in rehab, I like came up with a list of all the drugs that I did. didn't do. And it was like, so that was my mentality at that time was like, you know, I'll do everything once and if I like it, let's get me more. How old are you when this was happening at this, that job? Yeah. So this is like 20, 23, 24, all the way up until 27, I think, 28. And you were working at that same job the whole time. Yeah. And no one ever noticed you were developing an issue at all, like your bosses, the owners, co-workers?

Not until the very end. So I definitely was the perfect, like functioning drug addict, alcoholic. For all of the stuff I was doing, I was still showing up on time, working 10 to 12 hours. going home hanging out with like I was very I was not like just sitting and letting life pass me by I was still like getting up and even though it was the same thing every day and I wasn't really progressing as a human being um I was I was still in the public uh you know give me the light and you know involved in other people's lives I was terrible with my family so that's one thing to note is that I, my family could not get a hold of me for a multitude of reasons,

but the basis of it was I, I just didn't think I had time to talk to them. So I was just completely shut off from hearing anything that they had to say because they knew. And, but I just didn't want to hear it. Do you think you had resentment? towards your family at all? I mean, maybe specifically your mom where, you know, she, maybe she passed that down to you. That could have been going through your mind too. Resentment, yes. The feeling of letting them down and disappointing them, I think I have this blend of both my parents still where my dad was emotionally unavailable. entire life and my mom was overly emotional. So anytime things would get like hard or, you know,

we needed to talk or I'm worried about you, I would just stuff it down and like you can't break. You can't get to the parts of me that I know would would heal me and which I, again, now doing that work, I know would have worked. I was not ready. And I didn't, I think the biggest thing is I didn't think I had a problem, which is the absolute, like, over-overlying truth with addiction is, like, admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the first step. But I was like, there's no way.

Like, I'm still doing all this stuff. I was making okay money. But blowing it immediately. So, yeah, a little bit of resentment, a little bit of just wanting to get away from, because like towards the last couple of years that my mom was alive, it was definitely like, it's crazy to think that I was acting the same. way she was, but anytime I would see her, I would just be like, I don't want to be around you because you don't look like the mom I know. You're not acting, you know, like I just, it's really

hard to talk about that and accept that that's how I was feeling, but I think that's the only way that I can like get around it and not hold it in being like, you know, it's me that affected her like that because, you know, now looking back on myself, it's like, it's, it's 100% the individual. There are things that play into it. But, you know, yeah, just it sucked to, to feel like that towards her, but that's, that's what I was doing. How do you think you are treating other people that were close to you or in your circle, your girlfriend at the time? Yeah, I mean, I think I was, I was just a wild. I think I was treating them fine.

You know, I had really strong relationships with, like, my four best friends, my roommate, and my three other guys. And, like, we were together all the time, just had a really good relationship. So I was not, even to the people out in the world, like, you know, the people that would come into the restaurant or always respectful. So I've always had that. I've always treated everybody nicely. But inside I would, but at the same time, it's all fake. Because I was, I was drunk from sun up. The second I woke up, it was rip a line of cocaine, take a shower, get out of the shower,

rip another line of cocaine, slam a 24-ounce, nymphs. natty daddy and drink a bottle of tequila throughout the day. And then while I'm doing that, I'm doing drugs at work. And then I'm drinking at work and then getting, I'm drinking at work and then getting off work. Like, I mean, it did not stop. Um, now the crazy part is, is that I met my fiance at, at this restaurant. Um, and, you know, could not be more grateful for her because she met me in the middle of this tornado. It didn't get, it didn't get to the worst part yet, but, you know, we, we got together and I was, I was that person.

I maybe toned it down for a little bit in the beginning, but like I was definitely, I mean, it was, alcohol was the thing that, like, just, that was the most important thing to me at the time. Now, were you drinking during the day too and in the morning at night all the time? Yeah, like, so when I, so at 20, so we got together and we, drinking was kind of just like, you know, shop before work and then drink at work, you know, tasting the new beers that were out or whatever. But then it was like after work was when it really just like we would just drink until we fell asleep and then, you know, wake up, get a, like, it was kind of like the beginning of a problem, but not really like full on just this is an issue. But we, so we found out we were pregnant like three months in to being together. And when our, after our daughter was born, we moved to Virginia. So we moved to Virginia Beach.

And this is where it was the problem started was we get to Virginia. We don't know anybody. You know, we're thinking like her parents are going to retire, meet us down here, we're by the water, you know, find a nice place. And, you know, on the outside, like, it looked great. It was like, oh my gosh, you know, everybody that I have been working with for the past, you know, eight years or whatever, wow, Zach found his person and he's got his daughter. And wow, he's getting out. Like he's going to start his life. So we get to Virginia and I get a job.

but I just for what I don't know what was the reason but that's when the drinking and lying about it and hiding it started so I would do this thing where I would fill up the so tequila was always like my big thing but I would fill up the tequila bottle with water after I was a I had drank like three quarters of it to make it look like. Like I would even put the water in it and like taste it to be like, okay, you can still taste a little tequila. Because like my wife or fiancee would not, she didn't drink that much. And like, you know, so I was like, never know.

It's all good. Yeah, that didn't work. so this is this is like that awful um i like i think the way that i'm viewing myself to the world is like nobody knows you know um and that that happened like multiple times and on top of that i was buying you know beer and stuff and i was like shoving it in sock drawers and i was and i was like wrap it up in my sweatshirt before like going to take a shower and I would just be like slamming drinks all day long. Um, and she really started to pick up on it when my aggressive behavior sort of started to take over. So, um, I, I have never, I've never really been an

aggressive person. Um, but there's still that like dog in me from football. ball from my dad um and that really came out when i would i was drinking so i would like i'd have these really just short temper like short fuse kind of you know what what could have been handled as a simple argument or a um constructive conversation to you know tackle something together turned into this like punching a hole in the wall um and storming out of the door and just going on a drive which you know again now looking back on it this was drunk driving um so moving to virginia was yeah that was the moment where it was like there's a problem um And from that moment on, it didn't stop until two years, a little over two years ago.

Was it hard to keep that secret to yourself? Like describe the effects of keeping a secret that is so kind of detrimental to those around you, but only you know exactly what that is? Yeah. I mean, it takes so much of your energy. to lie and to keep those secrets because you have to remember everything that you say and that you do. Even something as silly is like, where did I put the bottle? Like, so, yeah, I mean, like going through my mind, I mean, I could not have felt more of like,

And this all had the only reason I'm able to like look back on it now is because of the mental state I'm in now. But the, I could not have been more of a shell of myself. I mean, if you imagine like this aura around you, that is just numb, pissed off, angry, and literally does not care about other people. feelings. That's what I was walking through life with. And it was, it was, it was a selfish gratification because I, you know, I would, I would hide all these things. And if she found it, I, there was, there was always some elaborate story about something. And I don't even remember what I came up with for stories, but I can't believe I did in the first place because it couldn't be more cut and dry that, you know, there's a bottle of tequila in your socks and you're meaning to tell me that

you didn't put it there. Like, um, so what's, yeah, I mean, what's going through my mind is just, I'm, I'm just tired, but I keep doing it. And I, and I think you get, you become, again, you become numb to this, um, just rinse, wash, repeat cycle of just living in deception and, and, and, uh, meanwhile, you're just, you're just crushing this other person's like soul. Because, especially in my situation, you know, this is the mother of my child. This is the person that I, you know, moved 14 hours away with. Like, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. And I am just dragging her through this, like, awful experience.

In all the meanwhile, I could care less. I don't care. Like, you're with me. This is what you get. And, yeah, I just, that's just, it's exhausting is the best way I can put it. Why do you think she stuck around? Because she is the coolest, most amazing. woman in the entire world. I think she stuck around because she, she has shown me the meaning of

unconditional love. I think that she's the first person in my life that saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. And I, and I, there's plenty of people that have, like, hearing me say it, It's like, I've heard that before, but it's the truth. It's, um, um, I think for a long time, I thought like, you know, oh, it's just because we have a kid. And that's the only reason that we're still together. Um, but I think that she was able and still is able to see something inside of me that I, I just didn't know, I needed to unlock. And, yeah, it's, I would not be here without her, absolutely.

And I just, yeah, I feel, I feel very lucky that I was, like, it's almost, it's almost like everything had to happen the way that it did for me to get to where I am now. because there was this person that was, I mean, she had every right to leave at like cut and dry. And I still am like blown away at the fact that we own a house together now and we have two amazing kids. And it just knowing that at that moment so fresh in our relationship that we're going through that. and now I just think like we can we can literally do tackle any problem because that breaks so many people so fast like I don't need this this is ridiculous who wants the drunk lunatic storming out of the house at 2 a.m. You know what was the rock bottom moment for you that got you to turn it all around and take the new life you have now? Yeah so this is the this is the one I'm most.

like this moment, one of those like five moments I was saying. But this is where I'm like most proud of, but also just blown away that it happened was. So COVID happened. So we're in Virginia when COVID hits. Our daughter just turned one. And on March 16th and then March 19th, the world shuts down or whatever.

So we, I had lost both my jobs, but one of them returned pretty quickly. And I sort of pushed myself out of the job I was working at when I came back because it's like, now that COVID happened, there's literally nothing better to do than drink. So that amplified up again. and I started I started I'm glad that we left because I was I was starting to get into the you know the crowd of people that were selling drugs and down in Virginia so now now I'm like communicating with people that normally I wouldn't because I need I need to get high and so I kind of I get fired

but they do it in a really nice way because they know I'm drunk on the job because I'm filling up these you know water things filled with liquor and I'm stealing it from their liquor inventory you know while the cameras are like when we're opening at 4 o'clock

in the morning and I'm just taking the bottle off the shelf and I'm like you know tilting it in like this like no one knows nobody knows so they let me go and then we make a decision to move back to Vermont. And we find a great place. Again, you know, my fiancee did it all. She found the place, you know. And so now we have a great home again. And we're back in Waterbury. I'm like, money. This is great. Right back where I should be. I get hired to that same

restaurant again. And I come back and it's, it's still COVID time. So it looks a little different. It's a lot of takeout orders. And, you know, anybody listening that worked in the restaurant business during this time knows that it was, it was, it was really weird to go from the most popping place in town. Every night was like, you know, every weekend was like 100 people in there just staying up all night. You know, and now it's like one person. single file line picking up their brown bag for takeout food. So we're thankful that, you know, we're still able to like work and have a job, but like it's kind of miserable. So, um, another excuse to like, wow, it's not even busy. I can just be more messed up now that I barely have to do anything. Um, so this, this goes on for a while. Um, and while. And while this,

is going on, I meet this guy who offered me a little bit of Coke. And I did it and I was like, this is amazing. Like, this is the best stuff in town, whatever. Get in touch with him and I start selling it. And I just like, you know, pretty much everything I've done. I just go way too far. And I'm getting just an absurd amount of cocaine every week re-upping. And I'm not in the beginning I'm like selling it.

But I quickly am just doing more of it. So I am the idiot who got high on his own supply. Yeah, I'm a terrible drug dealer, awful. but it really starts to become a problem because I'm not making any money and every piece of money that I get I'm literally like counting out to make sure that I can get and in each amount that I'm you know it starts out with like a ball and then it goes up and then it goes up so I start getting up to you know $1,300 a pickup and but I'm not giving him anything. So, you know, he's, he's fronting me this stuff. And I'm like, like, don't worry,

like next week, all good. And I don't know how he kept doing it, but it got to thousands of dollars in the hole with this guy. And, um, kind of like, on one side of things, everyone's stoked to see me because Zach's got the coach. and it's going to be a great night. And, you know, oh, he gave his friend, like, a little bit. You know, it's like, so I'm getting all this love and recognition from the friends I'm partying with. All the meanwhile, I'm going home at three o'clock in the morning to a sleeping fiance

and baby. And I don't think two things of it. Like, I'm like, this is fine. This is sustainable. until this guy meets me and I'm thinking that I'm getting another like RIA. And he was like, no more. I need my money. And if I don't get it like by next week, we're going to have a problem.

So, of course, right before I get out of his car, I plead with him. I'm like, just a little bit. Like, you know, but so I'm like, I don't know what to do. I don't have $5,000, $6,000 to give this guy. So I find a way to illegally get this money. But before I did that, he drives me to the bank and he pulls a gun and puts it right on my leg and just says, I'm not going to kill you, but you're going to learn your lesson if we don't get this money. And that was a sobering experience because up until that time, like, I mean, we shot guns.

Like, we're country kids. But I hadn't, I hadn't never been in like a, this person has full control of my life right now. And I'm in the wrong because. you know, I owe this guy money. Like, it doesn't work like this in this world. You can't just like, dude, I'm sorry. You know? So I got the money.

I don't know. I'm not even going to say how I got the money. But I got the money. And I never talked to him again. I cut ties. I was like, I went too far with that. Now, the problem is, is that I have picked up this. wild addiction to cocaine now.

And I don't know, I can't get anymore. So I just start drinking even more. So we've got, we've got the two worlds. You know, I've cut ties and everything like that. But I start really going off the deep end. And when my first, like, overdose in the bathroom, I had drank, I was trying to kill myself with drinking. And I drank a whole bottle of tequila all within a span of like an hour.

And nattie-dadi, for whatever reason, it was tall and it was high in alcohol, percentage so I didn't care about taste at this point I was just I just needed alcohol um so I pass out and my um the my fiance and daughter are like calling out to me and I'm in the bathroom and I'm completely unresponsive um so they call the ambulance and I wake up like for 20 minutes later and I'm like, what happened? Like, you know, so I'm lying to them about what happened. I was like, I just didn't feel good. I was dizzy while they're testing my blood alcohol and they saw the bottle. So again, this is the whole, this is the whole thing of like I'm, I feel like I'm out in the world as this like, you know, stoic person who's, you know, doing the right thing. But,

I'm just crumbling inside because later I would find out just all the stuff that happened with like my family. But so we we have the tough conversation about, you know, like, okay, you officially have a problem. And this is with my fiance. And I make a promise. I'm like, okay. Like, all, I'll do better. and the next day I go out and buy another bottle

and lie and hide it and just for months and months and months I'm just pretending like I'm clean and sober we have to sell our house or not our house we have to leave our apartment because the owners are selling their house because of the market.

So now, like, this is all in this, the first place we moved back since Virginia. And then we're told, you know, you have eight weeks to, to find a new place. We'll do everything we can to help, but like, this is our retirement. So now we're scrambling. And my mom passes away.

And there's, $100,000 that she had given to Shannon, my fiance, to buy a house. So we now have this, we now have the financial means to go and do this. She got that money from her husband who died his inheritance. So it's, you know, it's not like my mom just had $100,000. But Yeah, her husband, then husband, um, got an inheritance from his dad. And because she was the, um, beneficiary or whatever, she inherited that. So, um, you know, we were able, we found our home. Um, so now I'm back to, I just bought a house.

Like, things can't be that bad. You know, I'm a homeowner now. and yeah i couldn't have been more wrong the the next um like a couple months after we move in um i pass out again from drinking because i'm hiding in the closet but now i'm watching my daughter and wasted while i'm doing it and i go unconscious and smack my head on the back of the wall and she's with me trying to wake me up and I don't wake up and my fiance hears our daughter

like dad dad you know like saying my name so she comes downstairs like why isn't he responding um same same thing just passed out on the floor um calls the ambulance I come to as the doors are closing and I'm watching from so like

you're my fiancee and daughter and I'm in the hospital bed or in the ambulance bed with the doors closing being hauled off to the psych ward now so after well they do the intake stuff I blew a point two four something like that and that's I mean

very much over at the like but yeah I was in rehab they were like yeah 0.27 is like you're dead um and so but I so this is where

I was starting to be vocal about suicide and um wanting to take my own life so they they put me in you know like the psych ward where I'm like my on my um she works in hospice and she was with me in the in the room because rightfully so you know

my fiancee doesn't want to see me um and um so she's with me and i'm just like smashing my head on the wall just like you know i'm done like it's too much i can't i can't do anything i don't want to do anything. And so that's like almost rock bottom where the, I come out of that situation and you would think that that would be like the wake up call. But it's not. And this time, I guess. get out and I don't know it felt real but I can only imagine that from my fiance's perspective like

you know she a bit reserved but it felt like open arms coming back and it was it was like I'm glad to have you back I'm glad that you're okay um and you know we don't have to talk about it now but eventually like we've got to we've got to have a conversation and I didn't want to do that I by no means again, this, this goes right back to, that's a hard conversation. I don't want to have it. So right after that, I start really acting out and started getting aggressive again. And I got fired from this landscaping job. So when we moved from Waterbury to where we bought our house, I had tried to make it work, but that commute was just too long.

So I stopped doing that. And in limbo for a while, found this landscaping job. And yeah, immediately got fired like a couple months in just for being drunk on the job. But then the fight. financial thing came up and that's when I started getting real aggressive was because I was playing this I was playing this side from my perspective where it's like well I'm still working you know but on the other side she's like but we don't have any money like what are you talking about you're still working like because I'm not able to give anything and it's like well where is it going and now I have

another lie where, you know, so it was June, it's like June 2nd, 2020. And I was wasted and I just, I just start arguing. And it gets to the point where she, she's kind of fed up. And, you know, you're not welcome here anymore. So I took that as, you know, the biggest fuck you. And fine. I'm out. And I remember her closing the garage door and I started just punching the garage door as hard. And this is in front of my daughter.

And again, I am, I am, I'm not proud of this at all. But again, it happened. And I'm extreme, I beat myself up a lot about it. because this is what I experienced as a kid with like my dad and stuff and now you know this little girl is seeing her dad do it so it's like am I the same person like it's crazy to think about um but i my mom also left me a car uh her car and so i hopped in the car and the car i hopped in the car with the little bit that I had. And I started sleeping in my car and still drinking. And this is the other thing I want to say is that it is amazing to think about how we,

with addiction, how we can always find a way to get it. Like, when I say I had no money, I mean, I had no money, but somehow... You always find a way. I always had a beer. And I was always drunk. Like, I don't get it. But, I mean, I was at the gas station with like quarters, just like, you know, I've got $3.25. It's $3.50.

Can you just spot me the $25? So, yeah. I you know I stayed in the same town but I was like did I was at like the basketball courts just like sleeping in the car just as drunk as drunk could be my body had started to reveal like tremors and I had noticed a lot of pain in my stomach um so and I and I was a lot heavier than I normally was so I when when she told me to get out I was I was already starting to feel my body change because of how much I was consuming I was also really starting to feel the effects in my stomach and if I didn't drink I almost couldn't move, but I was throwing up blood. And the, I don't know what it's called, like the scientific reference, but there was like this burning acid, because there was nothing in my stomach. And when all the alcohol would come up, there was like this burning acid that was coming

up, which is, again, a sign of your body, like shutting down. So, yeah, I'm, I'm now at the point where I think I've, I've accepted that there's a problem, a big one. And I'm at the basketball courts. And I randomly hit up my now, producing. producer. And I was like, hey man, what are you doing? He was like, nothing. Like, you know, how are things? Like, I wasn't even like, how are you doing? It's been a while, you know? Because we, we knew each other from the restaurant game. And so we had been like friends before, tried to do something, but just never really clicked. And I was like, I don't have a place to stay. Can I

can I come by? So I go there and he lets me sleep on the couch. Now this sparks the musical, you know, I'm like, oh, it's been a while since we've worked together. Like, you know, the booth is still there. Let's start. So we start recording and it's that small little like, I'm back. like you know things aren't that bad um but when so and during this recording time i do not tell him

what's really going on so this is another excuse to i've got a roof over my head there's beer in the fridge i've got uh i've got prescription adderol like we're good so like two three days of just Bender. And I went, I went too hard. And when, when the, when he went to bed, that's when it set in like, this is, this is bad. Like, I, I am actively pushing the people that care about me away. I am actively removing myself from love, uh, care, feeling wanted and needed.

Like, I am, I am isolating myself beyond belief, all because of what? And so I remember on June 5th, I woke up sweating, just sweating, all the shakes in the world. I threw up in the morning and I drove out to this baseball field and I called my aunt. And I said, I think I'm dying. And I'm laying in the back of the car.

And I remember literally feeling like I could go because I hadn't drinking anything yet. And my body was, I couldn't hold the phone. I couldn't walk just driving there. I was like swerving because like I can't, you know, my vision's all messed up. So I'm laying in the back of the car when I park and I call her and I, and I'm like, I love you. Like I'm not going to make, I'm not going to be able to drive home. And she was like, you know, calms me down a little bit and sends me a link. on my phone to a rehab.

And I like throw the phone and I'm just like, there's no way I'm talking to anybody. Like throw up some more. I just curl up in a little ball, take a nap. And I open back up the phone and I'm just staring at this link. And I called. They answered and I just started crying. and the woman on the phone was extremely nice, but also it's a business.

And she was like, you know, we want to help, but we don't have the occupancy or, you know, there's not a room available. So my first thought was like, yeah, well, that was the one chance that, like, if they said come, probably would have came, but they don't have a room. So that was like, yeah, now this is over. But before she hung up the first time, she said, you know, we could get you in in two weeks. Let me get your information. Blah, blah, blah. So I call my aunt back and I tell her. I was like, I called.

She was overjoyed. She was very happy that I did that. But that I was like, can't do anything for two weeks. So she was like, okay, like, you know, what's your plan? And I don't really remember the conversation with her, but I remember just being like, I got a call. I got to call my fiance. So I called.

and it had been, we had been texting a little bit, just me checking in on our daughter and, and I remember it was a nice, it wasn't like an aggressive, it was like, how are you? Like, so that was already more inviting to me than meeting me with, you know, you piece of shit, like, you know. So I told her. I was like, I called and,

I want to come home. Those were like the first words that came out. I want to come home. And she was like, I want you to come home, but there has to be a plan because I'm not, she made it very clear. I'm not doing this.

And I told her that in two weeks, this place that my aunt just sent me can take me. that's my plan i didn't really i didn't really think too much into it i was just like that's my plan like um at that point in time i i was ready and it took all of that to get me to that point and they so my fiance is graciously you know come home you've got a plan come home like we miss you huge that like if it was met with the other

you know uh i hate you how could you do this to me i definitely don't think i would have made it out of that situation alive um but come home and i get a call and it's from the rehab and they were like we can get you in tomorrow. And I broke down again. I was like nervous, but ready. So, kind of getting teary up now.

But, but, so put the phone down and told, told my fiance and called my aunt because I, I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I don't know what's going to happen. But because my,

mom had made my aunt the what's the person who's in charge of everything beneficiary benefit yeah um or the estate keeper or whatever yeah yeah so she was in charge of everything um so you know she she worked it out um where you know I that wasn't really a question anymore so it was like let's get you help um so I spend the night on the fifth and my aunt picks me up at 7 a.m. on the 6th and drives me pretty much back to where I was staying

because so Stowe, Vermont is where the rehab was and that was also where my producer was. Funny enough, rehab building, the apartment I was staying at. So like, I obviously, I was excited to tell him that, like, hey, I'm doing this thing, but I'm actually right next door. So I get there and I need to detox. And I probably spent three, I spent the first two nights just puking and curled up in a ball, freezing cold but sweating beyond belief. Lips were purple. And really just having it, I couldn't eat anything, couldn't drink anything and just having a hard time. but I'm almost at rock bottom where so I'm in I'm in this rehab it's it's 30 days so 30 days away

and before I left you know my fiancee cried with me gave me a hug so I was like I feel like right now I'm doing the right thing and I hadn't I hadn't really felt that in a long time where it's just like I feel like I'm helping by me just doing something for me which was a big moment because for so long

it was just a shell it was like I didn't care about people's feelings but watching her give me a hug and say goodbye to my daughter and cry in the driveway was a I just I felt like this was the right thing to do

but not for them for me because I felt like they were genuinely happy that I was getting help so I go there and on the third day I come out of my recluse stage and make my way down to meet the other six people

that were there going through the same thing at different levels and I was loving it I was sad that I was away from home, but just talking about traumatic experiences and being surrounded by common-minded people that were, that experienced very similar things to me. It just was a lot different than people who were actively using around me because those are two just polar opposite worlds of like people that are all doing the same thing while they're using are different than people all together doing the same thing trying to get help you know

totally different and um so everything's going great and the one year anniversary of this rehab happens uh two weeks in and they they bring us all to hold again together and say the owners are going to invite the people from the first, the first, you know, people that they accepted. And they're asking that, you know, the current patients go on like a field trip. And we're like, okay, like, sure. And they're like, we're going to Bigam Falls. And I was like, get out.

So Biggham Falls is this massive waterfall that if you grew up in Vermont, you, if you didn't ski or snowboard, it's a long six months. And I'm sure you know from being in Connecticut, like the winter, if you don't have like a winter activity, it's a long winter.

So, but during the summertime, at first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto TV! Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live.

There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is our scene. It's just so beautiful. On Pluto TV, free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 NX files, may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV, stream now, pay never. I wrote a little song to remind you.

Choice Hotels gets you more of the experiences you value. The Cambria Hotels got it all. A rooftop ball. Have a ball. Bring a date, your squad, or even your mom. Book direct at choiceotails.com. Ryan Reynolds here for MintMobil. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying.

It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistants assistants switch you to MintMobil today. I'm told it's super easy to do. at mintmobile.com slash switch. Up front payment of $45 for three-month plan, equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. Seeful terms at mintmobile.com.

It was cliff jumping. Did you ever, you ever cliff jump? No. I'm afraid of heights. Yeah. So cliff jumping was, it was like sports, cliff jumping, if you didn't have sports, you know, summer vacay stuff. So we, that's where we grew up, cliff jumping. There was a few different waterfall spots and places to go.

But Biggham Falls was this one that like, I don't want to take credit for like I pioneered my friends into going here. But I think growing up in Stowe where when my dad had owned the gym, I just felt like I knew about it and my friends didn't because, you know, Stowe and Waterbury are 20 minutes apart. and um but so growing up i i had done you know bigum falls a bunch like there's 20 footers 50 footers 70 footers and we had done it all and uh totally just felt like that invincible teenager like you know you can do anything um so when i heard we were going to bigum falls i was like oh this is my time to shine

And I wanted to show off. I don't know why. It's taken a long time for me to actually come out and say that I wanted to show off. But I did. I had these people that I had become, you know, friends with through this rehab thing. And now we're going to a place that I feel incredibly comfortable with. And I bet they've never seen a kid do a front flip off a 50-foot cliff. So we get up there.

and we're like walking and I know the path to get to this 50 foot cliff that that's like it's a giant slant like massive just face of a rock that is right next to the waterfall and it's this giant deep water mountain pool that you jump into and I'm like I'm gonna jump and I've got two other guys in the rehab rest are girls. So obviously, you know, the guys are just like, do no way. Like, and the girls are like, don't do it. Um, you won't do. No, Zach, just stop. And I'm just like, all of you shut up. I'm going to jump. Like, but don't tell the, the nurse that we're with or whatever. So we're walking up and, um, I sneak off. Don't, I don't tell any, I'm at the back. I'm at the very back and I just sneak off. But, you know, when

of the guys knows that I'm doing it. He's just like, like, what do you do? Like, we have to be like on our best behavior and stuff. But I'm just, you know, I don't know what got into me. But I really wanted to, to like make, make my presence felt and do something crazy. So I get up to the top where you kind of have to like crab walk in. Because it's, I mean, it's a slant. and I sort of I get to the edge to like look where I'm about to jump and I see everybody down there and the nurse is like get down. Like what are you doing?

But right before, obviously I'm not listening to them, but right before I'm about to jump, my foot slips. and I kind of like sit down on the rock like that and I'm sliding. And the only thing I remember is the sensation of not being able to stop because obviously if you've ever been in a situation where you know the repercussions if something bad happens and you're in a position where you have no control over where your body is about to go, it's a terrifying moment. And I, when I, when I try to remember how it all happened, I like, I don't know if I ever tried to reach for something, but I, I just remember not being able to stop. And I, I left the, the edge of the cliff at, at 50 feet. And I, I, I was like,

I'm dead I'm done there's a 10 foot ledge that kind of pokes out from right above where I left and I slam on that and it kind of like it cuts my face open

and I remember hitting my leg really hard but that propelled me a little bit further out the other 40 feet where I fell another 40 into the water. So all of this has happened where I'm sliding down this rock. I've left. I slam. And then I just, but my body like bounced me forward. And I mean, if you've stood at 50 feet, I mean, I'm like, this is, this is bad. And so I land in the water.

And I'm still conscious. My back hurts a little bit, but I notice I can't move my leg. So I swim. It's freezing cold mountain water too. Like ice plunge, people who do ice plunges. So I swim to the edge. And they're all there. I remember right before I left after sliding, I just heard like,

it was like white noise after that. But I remember like the gasp of the nursed. like watching me fall. And so I get to this little pool where I can like kind of like sit. And they're like, are you, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I think I'm good. My left leg is killing me. My back kind of hurts.

I've got like I've got a chip and like some blood and cuts. But I look it down on my left knee. And it's, it's like the size of one of those mini soccer balls. Like not, not a full size one, but one of those like mini ones. Massive. And I can't move my ankle. So I'm like, okay, something is really wrong with that part of my body. But I'm, I think I'm good here.

And so they're trying to. like keep me comfortable and everything um and one guy runs up and because there's no cell phone service so they call the the ambulance and stuff and after about 45 minutes of sitting waist down in this mountain water um i start i start going into like hypothermia um like i'm like losing consciousness and my again my lips go blue again and and I'm just like fading in and out. And I remember the mountain rescue people get there. And the first thing I notice is that they do like a walk around me.

And the guy just says, bone. And in my head, I'm like, what do you mean bone? Like, what are you talking about? My heel bone had popped out of the back of my foot. And, um, So that obviously explains the ankle situation. But they're big concern right now because they can stabilize the leg, but I'm like, I'm losing it over here. So they put me up in this like chamber thing to like keep me a little warm and eventually walk me up like a half a mile up this trail.

into the ambulance. And find out, yeah, like, tibial plateau, knee break, shattered kneecap, ACL tears, compound heel bone break. So, like, I did a number on that,

on that left leg. But I remember, like, just waking up after the surgery and just I think that was rock bottom pun intended literally literally and that was that was the moment that I think I had escaped death too many times grateful that I did each time but um because I didn't want to die you know I had those thoughts and I definitely tried but I didn't I needed the spiritual, how I've come to associated is, all of that was my mom who was like a guiding force into making that call, the emotional state of being like, I'm ready to make a change.

Because the one thing I think I've taken away from all of the IOP and the AA and the being in a room by yourself for 30 days with, you know, therapists and psychology and all this stuff is that at the end of the day, nobody does it for you. You have to do it. And you can have all the support in the world. but there's, I feel incredibly lucky and I walk around today with a great deal of gratitude for the ability to not have slipped back because I know too many people who are here and not here that have wanted to make a change but have fallen back into those same old habits and are unable to get out. And I think that with, I'm, I'm probably missing some, some stories and moments, but all that to

be said, I think that everything that happened happened at the right time because when it came down to, it's either alive or dead. And that one link was the hand. and me making the call was the work. Like the first step. And I don't think, I'm not a religious person, but I'm very spiritual. And I do think that like my mom was somewhere inside of me being like,

don't, don't end up where I am. Like, you've got this beautiful daughter. You've got this beautiful woman in your life. You know, you have a home now. something that I wasn't able to hold for you for your whole life. Like, you know, she definitely did her best, but you now have a place to call your own. You now have, you know, all this other stuff we can figure out later. But like, this is a really big moment for you to like make a choice.

And I'm so happy and grateful I did. but I think rock bottom was was being like I it has to stop like this whole showing out for people and trying to be the life of the party and trying to um I really got in touch with who I am through that fall because I mean even just looking back like there's a There's PTSD from it for sure. Just like the trauma of replaying a near-death experience like that, where if that rock below me wasn't there, if you go back, if you go to Biggham Falls ever, let me know if you do. But if you go to Biggham Falls ever, you'll know it's just jagged rock. And then there's this beautiful giant opening.

But where I was to that jagged rock, there's just a perfect ledge right in the middle. And that's where I hit. And I'm like, things play out for a reason. And that definitely gives me gratitude to still be on this earth, be a part of this podcast to share this story. And like, you know, I just, I hope that, you know, someone somewhere can be like that one, that the hardest thing was making that call. But it's the greatest thing that's ever happened. if that makes sense. Absolutely.

And I think it was very well told. Thank you. And you didn't have to take any bathroom breaks. No bathroom breaks. Yeah. No, we're good. Yeah. See,

and you're not as nervous as you thought you were. No. And that speaks to the very calming environment you have. And thank you for, yeah. You just got to let the guest go. Yeah. That's what I've learned. Let me run with it.

Yeah. But, Zach, I appreciate you coming out here today and making the drive out here to share your story. It's definitely going to inspire. some people. Not everyone gets to experience that wake-up call that you have. So it's our jobs, the people who have experienced those wake-up calls to share those stories and testimonies, so it could help someone else. Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor. And yeah, hopefully it's not the last time we get to talk to each other. Definitely not. And I'll be in Vermont maybe eventually.

Yeah, yeah, man. Let me know when you are. Definitely. And safe travels back. Thank you so much. Thank you.