Locked In with Ian Bick - Inside a Firefighter’s Battle with Trauma, PTSD & Addiction | Brandon Smallidge

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

Brandon Smallidge shares how his job as a firefighter led to PTSD, addiction, and the fight to rebuild his life. #FirefighterTrauma #PTSD #AddictionRecovery #FirstResponderStruggles #MentalHealthAwareness #TrueStory #OvercomingDarkness #lifelessons Thank you to DRAFT KINGS for sponsoring today's episode: New players can get FIVE HUNDRED CASINO SPINS ON A FEATURED GAME! Just sign up with code IANBICK and wager a minimum of five dollars to receive FIVE HUNDRED CASINO SPINS ON A FEATURED GAME. Connect with Brandon Smallidge: Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/brandon.smallidge/ Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://convictclothing.net/collections/convict-clothing-x-ian-bick Timestamps: 00:00:00 Growing Up in Connecticut: Childhood Reflections and Family Dynamics 00:12:03 Emotional Impact of Adoption and Family Dynamics 00:15:36 Adjusting to a New Family Dynamic 00:23:51 Childhood Dreams of Becoming a Firefighter 00:31:49 Firefighter Training: Beyond the Basics 00:39:14 Firefighting Challenges and Risks 00:47:03 Contractor Bid Rigging Scandals 00:54:52 Dangerous Encounters in Repossession 01:05:00 Struggling with Mental Health: A Personal Story 01:10:18 The Impact of Hearing the Death Rattle 01:18:06 The Cycle of Trauma and Addiction in Firefighters 01:26:42 Emergency Room Delays: The Struggle for Timely Help 01:34:50 Surgery and Recovery 01:42:20 Struggles with Pain Medication Abuse 01:51:57 Discovering Pregnancy After Car Accident 01:58:37 Realization and Responsibility: Becoming a Parent 02:06:48 Sharing Stories for Inspiration and Hope Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Graham and Hemmy are registered to trademarks of FCAUS LLC. Brandon, welcome to Lockton, man, a fellow Connecticut restaurant, resident, not restaurant. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for supporting the show and reaching out to come on today, man. It means a lot. Yeah, well, it's a little different than normal story-wise, but... Yeah, well, we love it a little bit different. You know, if I sat here and listened to a prison story every day, I think I might lose my mind.

So, you know, every episode is meant to have a different perspective. whether it's addiction, criminal justice, you know, prison, prison guard, or EMT or firefighter or anything, you know, we want to switch it up and keep it different. Or lawyer or prosecutor. Yeah. I mean, it's a got quite a few of those checked off. Now, did you grow up in Connecticut? Yeah, so I was born and I grew up about like eight years in West Haven. Oh.

So not too, too far from here. and then my mom remarried and we moved out to East Lime. So like the Groton, New London, Norwich area, East Lime's a great town. Great schools. It's a safe town. Great place to have kids, raise kids. It's middle class. So, you know, it's doing what my father did.

What I do now, it's you struggle, but you try and do the best for your kids. I see that now with having kids. How many kids do you have now? I have two. I have a boy and a girl. Oh, the perfect match. Yeah, it's perfect. Girl came first.

She came during COVID. So that was an interesting. I never had a kid and born during the height of COVID. Yeah, that must have been interesting at the hospital too. Oh, yeah. They, uh... Were you allowed to be there? I...

So when our daughter was born, it was just when they lifted and they allowed the other parent to come into the rooms. So it was nobody else. Like my mom couldn't be there. Her mom couldn't be there. It was just us, which was kind of nice because it's more like intimate.

And it's not just like my mom, her mom. And it's like, okay, well, we get to have that little moment with our child first before, you know, they want to take your kid because now it's their grandkid

and what grandparent doesn't love, you know, the grandkid. Yeah. So it was a Couldn't leave the hospital They didn't want you really to leave them like leave the room Mask on the whole time So couldn't see anything going on in your face

So it was kind of nice because I tend to have like a stoic stone face Did you have any siblings growing up? So found out about a bunch of them Oh But I did grow up with one of them So I don't really know my biological father from like a hole in the wall. He was never there. I've heard stories.

What actually went on? I know some of it, like ripping phones off the wall. So my mom couldn't get a hold of her brothers or a dad come help out. He was abusive, drug addict. I guess from what I was told, like the final straw was. my mom found me and I was crawling around with the bag of drugs and the needle. That's what I heard from a couple different people that, you know, like my grandma. His mom or your mom's mom?

Yeah, it would be his mom. So your grand, his parents stayed in the picture. I've had four grandmas, four grandfathers, yeah. Oh, because of your stepdad too. So, like I thought about it and I'm like, all right. As a kid, it was like a rocky relationship because it was like, who are you to come tell me what to do? Like, you're not my dad. But now, like, I see it.

And like, that's my father. Like, that's the man that raised me, loved me, took care of me, did everything for me. So the other one, he's like biological. He's like a sperm donor. Put it nicely. So your biological. and your mom were together when you were first born. So that's like the rabbit hole right there because he was,

so I have an older half-brother and then it would be me. And then I have a sister and I have two other brothers with him. I have a relationship with two of them. The older one and the sister. The other two are trouble. So try and stay away from. anything like that, especially having kids. I can't deal with the drama, the trouble, the headaches that come with that stuff.

But then, so my mom remarried, we moved, and I have my other brother. So, like, I kind of look at him as, like, my full blood brother. We grew up together. It's an eight-year difference. It's like, I'm about to be 33. he's still in college. So it was growing up is a little different than like my kids are going to grow up. They're only just under like two years apart.

So like my daughter's four, my son's two. It's about to be three. So it's not like too much where they'll grow up pretty close. And we were a lot different because I was in high school and he was in elementary school. So it was like, hey, I don't want anything to do with you. Sorry. But it's it was like a rocky, rocky childhood. Did your mom have any addiction issues too or she was sober?

My mom is like, I don't think I've ever heard my mom swear. And I have like the mouth of a sailor. So it's like night and day between us. But she's like Disney mom, like the perfect. perfect mom he was always there always loved you would give you all the affection any attention that you want she was always like right there if you were struggling with like homework she was there to help you um she she's like the straight laced my dad's done a lot of exploring um he's told me he's he's backpack through Europe as a, you know, like 20s.

He saw the Grateful Dad, was telling me, you know, he had some fun as a kid, experimented with drugs. Like, I found out my mom's done like mushrooms. I'm like, okay, like, that's nothing. But that's how like my mom was. She grew up pretty strict. So I guess her great, her grandmother. So my great grandmother came from Ireland.

So pretty strict, like Catholic. My grandma, her mom was rough with them, I guess. I saw a different side. She was like almost like a second mom. So my grandparents and all my mom's brothers, they all help raise me. like my stepfather my father he was there but they were still dating they were engaged so he wasn't like he was still trying to be a father figure but i get it was like hard because you know that's not your kid but it's going to be your kid kind of thing so like all my uncle stepped up they all helped

out they all took me wherever like anywhere like milford used to have milford rack it was like a big arcade So it was like polar opposites with my parents, how they grew up. My dad was, I guess they were, it's like the, almost like the generation. Like as parents were strict, but it was go to school, do well, do what you're told to do. And that's it. Like, just you can be a kid, bud, no, there's actions. Now your actions have consequences. Like I heard stories like having to go out and grab a switch and that was punishment like my mom you know it was a belt wait till your father gets home

So they tried not to they never really got physical like they were not the ones to turn around and spank and I was a tough kid to deal with Like undiagnosed bipolar and anxiety and stuff like that so it was The undiagnosed part was rough, especially for them. They had the work cut out. Simple things, even like things not going my way, it would be like I'd snap. It's just never got like violent, like physically with my parents or my brother. But remember the sand toy, the sandboxes that were like the turtles, the plastic to, yeah.

I chucked one into the pool because I was mad about something. Just that was a little, little asshole for a kid. Now I know the bipolar played a huge part in all of that. Do you know why your mom was with your dad because he was an addict or did that they start off normal and he developed that? Was he always like that? Do you know anything about that? see my mom never talks about it and like i i can understand it's it's like really traumatic and i know she's like told my dad about it and he's mentioned some things here and there like you know

you're acting like your father and it's like oh um but how they met i don't i don't know because they're from north carolina and my mom grew up in west haven so how they actually met and what happened there. I don't know. I don't want to pry with my mom either because I don't want to bring up those bad memories of all that when she's had a pretty happy life since then. So I don't want to raise some trauma again.

Do you think that some of the issues you were just describing that were going on in your childhood and growing up? Do you think that stem from your dad, your biological dad? So doing therapy, getting, you know, like diving into my life, it's starting to look like a lot of what I've gone through has all stemmed from, from him because he's dealt with the addiction issues. He's had bipolar. He's had suicide attempts. It's all things that I've dealt with. So it's like, all right. I do share a lot of similarities.

I kind of do look a lot like him. So I actually went down to my brothers last year, and I met him for the first time. Never met him. I've had, like, minimal interactions. So my dad adopted me. So as a kid, before my parents got married, I think. It might have been after.

They, we had to go to, probate court, but DCF had to come out. They had to sit with me alone and ask all these different questions as like an eight-year-old kid. Has he ever put hands on you? Do they yell at you? Like just intrusive questions and you're a kid and you're sitting with these people that hold essentially your fate in their hand. They could take you away in the blink of an eye. It's a, that was, that was scary as a kid and then sitting in probate court and having them make a phone call and talk to my biological father and him ask me is this what you want and to see yes the sign his rights away so then he could adopt me um so yeah that was that was like a huge like pivotal moment as like a kid

where it was kind of made me look at like my parents told me a little bit but at that point, and it made me look back and go, oh, so like I kind of am acting like what they're saying because, you know, they'd be like, hey, you're acting like them with your attitude when, you know, acting out, acting like a little asshole, they're like, hey, you know, you're acting just like them and, oh, oh, but it's, he was never around, he was never there, never paid child support. He, like that. What truly happened, I don't know.

I mean, from what I was told, my mom just packed up and took off to her moms, like, her parents. We lived there for a little bit, and then we bounced around, like, West Haven. And she met my dad. So they met through. It's kind of funny. My godmother is my mom's cousin. She was dating someone my dad works with.

He, I've actually worked for him since then. And that's how they met was through someone. My dad was working with who grew up in West Haven, like right around my mom. And yeah, it all went from there. Was it hard to adjust to having a new dad at that age? Because you're around eight years old? Yeah. That's a weird age to, you know, you were old enough to know that you had an original dad

and have those memories and then all of a sudden, you know, switch it up and have a second dad. What was that adjustment like for you? I was actually just talking to my therapist about it. And that's awesome that you're actively going to a therapist. Yeah, it's been life-changing. But like with that, it was one of those things that you're old enough to recognize, like, okay, so big life-changing decision. now. And trying to cope and deal and understand with you aren't my dad, but now you are.

So there was always pushback from me. I'm like, hey, I need you to go mow the lawn. No, like, you're not my dad. And realizing now that's hurtful, especially being a parent. And if my kids ever said, like, no, you're not. my dad, that would crush me. Break my heart. But it was an adjustment.

And even going from, like, West Haven to East Line, like going from not like a great area to a really nice area, but knowing absolutely no one being ripped away from, like, my safety net, which was like my mom's side, because that's all I had. Everyone else from my biological, they live in, like, North Carolina. China or Florida. So there was like no one from that side to be anywhere near us being ripped away.

And no one, absolutely no one, having no friends. And eight years old, you start making friends. Now you have a couple by that age, you know, a couple like close, good ones. And then there was nothing. And like I went to school down West Haven with my cousin. So like my two of my cousins are one's a year older, one's a year younger. So we were all like in school together. And then all of a sudden it's like, here's a really nice town, great school district.

You don't have to worry about getting robbed. My parents told me, it's a kid living in West Haven. There was a police chase and it came through our backyard. And my dad's like, I remember looking out, because we lived on the things. the third floor. He's like, I remember looking out the window and seeing West Haven cops hopping fences and seeing the guy running and them yelling at him, the police get on the ground. And he's like, realize like, I'm about to adopt this kid. I'm about to have a child. I can't be having him grow up with police chases through the backyard. And nowadays, I see what

he did for me. I respect that. He's a great man. He, he's a great man. He, he's, he's, he's, he's, stepped up big. What was high school like for you? High school was, uh, it was interesting. I hated school so much. I didn't want to be there. And it's funny because East Lyme's high school is almost like attached to where the elementary school I went to.

So there's three elementary schools in East Lyme, one middle school, and then high school. There's one and then another town, sailing. them because they have one school for kindergarten through eighth grade they come to us for high school so it was it was you have your set group of friends already you went to elementary school and middle school with them and now here's like this whole new wave which there wasn't a lot of them like probably 400 of us all together including them and there was so probably about I think it was probably like 60 to 70 were kids from Salem

so it wasn't like a huge group but it was kind of like standoffish where like who are you great people though they're humble they're more like farm we always call it like cow town this is a nice

area too you live out there you probably have some land you know what kid doesn't want some land in a dirt bike so like we would always go hang out eventually once we got to know them we were always going out there and they had one resident state trooper so you can get away with anything over there especially high school kids yeah we liked uh high school was weird though because we we like smoking weed and drinking it's not like nowadays with the heroin and the fentanyl. Like, that really wasn't around for us.

Like, cocaine, kind of. But most of us, it was almost like psychedelics. Like, you get shrooms, you can get acid. You'd get weed wherever, anywhere. But, like, the whole high school thing was, it was weird. Because you had the kids that thought they were like, cool as shit and who would treat people like shit and then you'd have the kids that did like band and theater and choir and all them they'd all hang together with like the art kids i kind of hung out

with like the stoners the easygoing i was not easy going i was a lot i was the kid that had a mouth i would pop off on the mouth real fast. Got into trouble with that. That comes back to get you. High school though was, if I could go back, absolutely. I wish I could go back. Looking back now, that was a great years. The Great Rewards Hunt is here

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See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos. Ends 42725 at 1159 p.m. Eastern Time. Did you dabble in any other substances other than weed or alcohol or there was just nothing like you were saying to get into? Not really. Like there were, you know, you had your few kids that were getting in just some heavier stuff. Like they were getting into pills or Xanax. But it was more just like weed and shrooms. Occasionally like Adderall or riddling.

Didn't do anything for me. I have ADHD. So it actually worked. So they're all high and I'm sitting there like, I'm ready to do some schoolwork now. It was, you know, played football a couple of years. Played the cross as a kid. that was that's a fun sport anyone's ever looking to get into a sport the cross is a it's a great sport you look like a lax bro a little bit yeah a little bit it's the hair the hair and the hat yeah no it's it's it's you know high school was talking to people now and they're telling me about like their school they're like you guys were privileged you guys had a pool and it's like gym you know we'd get to go two weeks every year you go to the pool

they try and teach you out of swim or whatever. But towards like the end, you get to have fun. Play like water polo. They let you go off to diving boards and stuff. So it's, these times are great school. What were your career aspirations? What do you want to do?

Did you want to go to college? Did you want to go into a trade? What did that look like for you? So, like we were talking a little bit before. One of my uncles, one of my mom's brothers. He was a West Haven fireman. So growing up,

and that's all I ever wanted to do. I just wanted to be a fireman. Thought about maybe being like a cop at one point, and it's like, nah, the fire trucks are so much cooler. Sirens are better. Sorry, but, you know, you get a big red truck and loud sirens. Like, I was sold as a kid. I'm like, you know.

and seeing my uncle, like I looked up to him because he helped raise me. So I also think, too, is with being like a civil servant, it's something that you kind of can't pick. Like you don't get to just say, I'm going to be a fireman. It's something that you have to be like almost born with. You have to be born with like the desire to go out and help people and put your mental health on the back burner. and it's a rewarding career.

Like if you choose to go down that path, it's really rewarding, but it causes a lot of damage too. I see my uncle, he drinks, you know, sad. It's unfortunate. You know, he gave his life up for helping people and turn. You see it where he's, like, destroying everything he worked for. but yeah that's all I wanted to do just wanted to be a fireman

how did your mom feel about you wanting to become a firefighter both my parents were super supportive my mom is one of those overbearing like super protective she will jump on a grenade without hesitation like that's just how she was so I know it was like tearing her up inside like my son wants to be a fireman he must go climb into fires like what is wrong with him um but i know she she she also knew her brother he uh he's done well

now he's gotten hurt and he's don't know he's got knocked off a deck and he's broke his ankle and some other things but my dad was always really supportive so one of his brothers was actually a fireman where I was in Islam. They break up to town into villages. So there's the village Nianic, which most people know about Nianic. And then there's Flanders, which is where the high school is. It's where I grew up. So when I became a fireman, it was Flanders. And the firehouse is right out front of the high school. So never wanted to be at high school just and I get I got a little bit of privilege where I could park out the firehouse and walk into the school and not have to get and pay for the school parking pass and it was just pull up to the firehouse because I was going to go there anyway after school. So I ended up stop playing football, stop playing lacrosse, stop playing basketball.

because that's all I wanted to do was be at the firehouse. Like where we were, it was like, I want to say 14 or 15 you could join. They considered you like a junior member. So there was restrictions on certain hours you could go to calls, certain hours that you could be at the firehouse. They kept it to almost like a routine because they knew you're still going to school. your main priority is graduating, doing your schoolwork, not being here. I didn't have a license.

So my dad, I mean, my very first fire I ever went to, he drove me. I always took my stuff home and he, yeah, he would drive me down to the firehouse, would drive me to a fire. summertime my mom would drop me off in the morning he would pick me up at night like i was there every summer like every day all day so that's that's all i ever wanted and then start meeting people and one of them ends up being a new york city fireman and end up finding out the easy way to get into The New York City is their hiring is, it's every couple years they'll hire. And they do like hiring freezes and it's hard to get in.

He waited eight years. Wow. To even go to the academy. So you have to do the civil service test. And it was an eight year waiting. But yeah, eight were eight year waiting list. And he said the real easy way is becoming an easy. EMT first. You still work for FDNY, but you're an EMT. I think it's after like two years you can

transfer over the fire. You still have to do the academy, but two years instead of waiting eight, nine, ten years to get in there. So it's almost like a fast track. I wish I knew that back then, because I would have jumped on that in a heartbeat. But instead you ended up joining a Connecticut. So I found that out like years down the road. But yeah, I joined, it was Flanders and East Lyme as a 15-year-old kid. And then once you turn 18, you can, they have classes and like courses in the state to be certified. You have to get certified to be interior. You can't just walk in.

So I took a course in Willamannock because Willamannock from East Lime wasn't too far, probably like 25 minutes. It was, I want to say it was like every other Saturday and Sunday. All day, go up there, do a bunch of bookwork, take test. They were pretty strict. You know, State says like 75's passing. They were like, we hold you to 80. Anything under 80 you fail. So it was nice because it's like, okay, you're shooting high.

And you're putting your expectations up here instead of keeping low. And I try and set goals. I'm like, all right. If they want 80, I want to do at least like 90, 95. So if you can excel when doing that stuff, you can start moving through ranks and everything too. I mean, and it's not just. you know how to put a fire out there's math behind it there's science you have to know every floor you climb that you lose a certain amount of pressure in your hose so if you're operating pumps you need

to know they're going three floors up and if it's 10 pounds of pressure that you lose you just lost 30 pounds you have to adjust the pressure on the pumps so they have good amount of water coming out and then even even other stuff like throwing ladders you have to know All right, well, if it's a rescue, the ladder has to be placed here. If we're ventilating and going up, like breaking out a window, ladder's got to be in this spot. It's all about, all right, the wind's blowing to the left. So now we don't want to put the ladder in the left

and just have all the smoke blowing into us. So you've got to go to the right side. And it's a lot. It's not just like, hey, this is how you put that fire out. Here's a hose. You open it up and spray. It's a lot. It's learned everything from car accidents, how to operate, call them cutters or spreaders.

Spreaders, everyone knows, like, jaws of life. You learn how to operate everything from those, like chainsaws to cut holes in roofs and ventilate, let gases escape. So they're not trapped all the way to, like, wildfires like yeah Connecticut you know we're not California like those crazy wildfires but you know we get brush fires out here and it's a little bit different than fighting a normal fire yeah they try and teach you the basics and then so there's fire one and they also bring in it's hazmat ops so hazmat operation and hazmat awareness So awareness, you can essentially look and say, oh, hey, yeah, that's a diesel fuel that's spilled.

The operations, you can get more hands-on. You're the ones that you can decon. So, you know, you've seen the movies. They have the big bubble suits on. Those are Class A hazmat suits. So you're completely encapsulated. Your Scott Pack or Air Pack is inside with it on. and ops you can decom them so they come through you can scrub them rinse them get them all cleaned

but you can also do a little bit more hands-on stuff where the guys in the suits are those are hazmat technicians so there's like one more that you can get um so they they give you your basics your fire one your hazmat awareness and your hazmat ops and you're now a state certified fireman you can go into fires you can do whatever you need to do you still some restrictions but um i want to say it's probably like a three-month course just on the weekends yeah um other courses i mean it's like emt courses you can take them they have them during the week sometimes like three four hours a night Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Tuesday, Thursdays, or whatever is the schedule. A lot of times they're out of firehouses.

So, like, where I live now in Ledgerd is Gail's Ferry's Firehouse is about, like, three minutes up the road from me. And they have a big, like, banquet bingo hall, and they'll offer, like, an EMT course or they'll offer, like, a Fire One course out of a Firehouse. but you're not getting like the school I went to. They had buildings to burn and they had trailer set up. They had everything for like you going through and you're crawling around and the floor collapses out and now you're tangled up and wire.

So it's confined space rescues too. It's a lot of hands-on and a lot of bookwork. But I think it was a better opportunity doing that than going. going to a firehouse where not every single one has a burn trailer or a burn building or somewhere they can go do all that stuff. You're learning how to throw ladders outside of a firehouse instead of actually throwing it to a building and them saying throw it up to the fourth floor window for a rescue. So you're getting that little extra.

I think it was beneficial to the instructors were great. They were all like career firemen. One was Willamannic Lieutenant. One of them I think was another Willamannic fireman. I think there was like a, maybe like a Manchester. They're all like Connecticut pretty close to that area. They're knowledgeable, so you have to do your state test at the end, it's a practical and it's like a written exam. So you have to do the written,

you have to score for the state, 75 or better percent. And then once they said, okay, you passed, they give you a date, you come back, and you have to do your practical. And it's all hands-on and they're state instructors and nerve-wracking because it's not, you know, it's, they want to see even like climbing out of the truck they want to make sure you have three points of contacts like two hands on the railings and a foot on the step and one on the ground they don't want to see one hand and like you're hanging off jumping down and they'll mark you down and you know people failed because one hand and there's a couple points there okay and then it was tying knots that was a big one I got lucky. My dad's parents, my grandparents, they were big in sailing. So as a kid, they put me into sailing lessons. So I learned essentially how to tie knots as a kid.

And I tell you, that helped out a lot. Because even, like, tying a nozzle, you have to tie it a certain way so that when they pull it up, it doesn't open up. I don't know if you ever seen a video of a fireman that lets go of one of the hoses. No, I haven't. Oh, yeah. You should look it up. It's deadly.

It whips around. It'll kill you if it hits you. Oh, wow. I mean, I figure it's about 100. I've been out of it for a little bit, so it's like remembering things, you know, I want to say it was about 120 pounds of pressure coming off the tips of the nozzles. So, I mean, put it this way.

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But it's a, being a fireman definitely caused some trauma for sure. Now, once he passed everything and you got certified, did you get offered a paid position with the department or what happened? So we had, we were mainly volunteer. During the day, we always had three paid guys. And we staggered to start times, I think it was like 6, 7, and 8 a.m. so that they would leave at 3, 4, and 5. 5 o'clock would be like the second shift guy.

During the week, they would be there until 11. Friday and Saturday, they were there until midnight. From what I heard now, it's changed up. There's a paid person 24 hours now. But getting certified, I could have went and tried to pick up, like, part-time, pick up a shift here and here. but I never got my EMT. We ran ambulance out of our firehouse.

A lot of places like New Haven and Hartford, they use, like Norwich by May, they use like American ambulance, AMR, whatever private ambulance company they'll use. We had ours. So the whole town had three ambulants. There was one for us, one for Nianic, and we had a spare. Ours needed to go get maintenance or broke down or theirs broke down. And we would cover, like, yes, our primary area was like the Flanders Village. But if Nianic had something or their ambulance was out, we were now covering the entire town

instead of just like the village. Nianic had pay guys, but technically it's two different departments, so you couldn't be like, I'm certified, I'm going to go here and pick up a shift here. It didn't work that way. So because it was a volunteer, did you have to work another job as well? Yeah, so high school I worked. I worked, there was a car wash, like, down the street. So that was, actually now my first job was I worked in the kitchen as a,

dishwasher. I want to say it was like a beach club, an old bime. One of the kids I was friends with, he worked there. He's like, hey, you asked like two of us, you guys want a job for the summer? We're like, sure. We were 16. We need money. You know, beer money.

Yeah, it's a, worked at the car wash, which was nice because, don't have a license. I could still go save up for a car, save up for a license. It was with them walking distance. So I would walk there after school and go work, and my mom or my dad would come pick me up. But then later on, I went to college for like a semester or two. Did the community college.

It was going for the fire science and technology. because it was fire related. That's like all I ever wanted to do. School was not my thing at all. I didn't want to be there. Couldn't stand being there. Like I left high school for fire. There was an old Sears warehouse

and actually a couple kids from I went to school with set it on fire. Yeah, they got charged with arson for that one. But I left high school and walked right out. and the lady in the office, her two sons, she knew my grandparents. My dad's parents, they all worked for the board of ed. My grandfather was a math teacher. My grandma worked in the board of ed. So my dad and all his brothers, they went through East Lyme School.

I was the oldest, so I was the first one to come through, so everyone knew either my grandparents or teachers knew. my dad or one of my uncles and uh they uh it was uh it was uh it was strange just having everybody know like is steve your uncle or is that one your dad how's your grandfather john i'm like oh no i had a teacher tell me if you don't turn your homework in you need to call your parents but she never let us dial the numbers because she knew we were calling one of our buddy cell phones in the class or in a different class she dialed the number and she told me if you don't turn it in you're not i'm not calling your parents calling your grandfather i was like oh no don't do that because that's like double punishment

I get it from him and my father. But it, um, it's just, I, I couldn't do the school. Like, I, the ADHD was, was running rampant. I couldn't focus on anything. I got put on, um, it was like concerta instead of Adderall or Ritalin. When I was on it, I could pay attention. I did well in school. other than that all I want to do is leave go be at the firehouse or go be a dumb ass kid and

um and now like I did the whole school thing I tried for like a semester or two and I was working like three jobs I was landscaping I worked I would open McDonald's in the morning because my buddy was a shift leader so he got me a job so I could open and and leave, go to school, leave, go landscape, and then work at the car wash too. You're a hustler? Yeah, I tried. So it didn't grow up with like tons of money. My dad was a union worker.

And I'm doing what he did. So our local has had some issues over the years where owners, contractors were getting arrested and sent the federal prison for, they were rigging bids. So say, like, this building needed to be done. They would be in cahoots with each other. Hey, you put a bin in that $500,000. We're going to shoot high. We're going to get you that work.

You give us a cut of the money. So they were rigging these bids, and they ended up getting caught, which caused a huge issue and, like, big lack of work. But a couple of years before that, There was a company that did Mohegan Sun, and D owner had a big gambling problem, and all of a sudden, employees' paychecks are bouncing. I want to say some people, it was like six paychecks, and it's like we didn't really grow up with, like, tons of money.

It was, money was tight. So, East Lime is, it's a weird town because it's pretty middle class, but, There's a lot of upper middle class. There's Pfizer's right and grottin. So there's a lot of Pfizer kids. You know, their parents are working as scientists or researchers at Pfizer making. Back then, probably a couple hundred thousand. I don't want to know what it is now.

But, yeah, like, I was not that. Wasn't gifted. Like, a girl, I went to school with. One of her parents was a lawyer. The other one was a doctor, like a neurosurgeon. Privileged, given a brand new Audi. Didn't, or no, given a brand new BMW, 16th birthday, didn't like it. So they went out and bought her a brand new Audi.

I had to work. My dad had a truck. He's like, you could drive when you get your license. But you pay for your license. You pay for the driving course. You pay the insurance. You pay the gas. And any repairs.

will pay the insurance, I think. Yeah, no, I didn't have to do the insurance. They paid the insurance, but everything else was me. But it was like, here's a 1996 Chevy pickup truck, so good luck. Because this was 2000 in, like late 2000s. Right around 2010, Ix graduated high school in 2000. 2010. Like right around that time frame was like 96 was still like old and I'm like are great time to start fixing stuff. Learned how to fix cars. Ended up, you know, quitting all the other jobs after high school still was in the firehouse.

One of my uncles worked for a dealership chain and they needed someone to work. wash cars and I worked at a car wash. So there was like detailing, you know, cars for the dealerships. They come in. You get to wax them, clean the whole car, they use cars, and then they get, you know, put out in the lot. You come in to buy a brand new one. They get it's all cleaned and, uh, started doing that. Started paying attention. I was friends with one of the kids that worked there. Essentially, it was like teaching me how to work on cars, so I didn't have to pay someone to do it for me.

I could do it myself. And then from there, yeah, there was cars for a long time, started towing, got into doing repossessions. That must have been interesting. Yeah, that was, that one's got some stories. You see a lot of, it's sad because you see a lot of people, and like some of their worst moments, you know, you're taking their only transportation they have to get back and forth to work or a doctor. And it's like, you can't feel bad doing it because you need to eat.

You need to make a paycheck because we were getting paid per car. So I had a night where I didn't get any cars. I wasn't getting paid. Yeah, it's even just towing. No, I was towing. I was still a fireman. So you're seeing accidents from, you know, like just after they happened to after everything's cleaned up. And now you're grabbing the car and toned it off. And see some kind of funny stuff.

Some of the stuff people keep in their cars, it's like, what? Like, what are you doing with this? What was the funniest thing you think you saw? So there was a car that we had really. repossessed a couple times. It was funny, but it was nasty. And just littered with, like, dirty women underwear, just, like, piled up on the floorboard. And we're, like, I'm not even, I'm not even getting in this car.

That's disgusting. Dildos, find those laying in the cars, and you're like, I really hope that's a girl. kind of thing. I mean, found one car. So, like, when you repossess them, we have to, technically, we have to inventory. For me, it was like whatever was in, like, plain sight. So, look in the windows, it's like, okay,

well, there's, like, a CD laying there. There's, like, basketball, like Jordan's laying on the ground. So it's all documented. We have laptops, like police, laptops sitting on the truck. And you have to write everything down, like found like wads of cash, and found this and found dirty women's underwear laying on the ground. One car, it was almost like, what were they calling those guys that, like in New York, like back in the day they would have like the watches,

they would sell you all like the knockoff watches it was like that there was all kinds of like knockoff watches like clones we're like what is going on here and then the guys in the office they would come through and they would completely inventory everything and then they would put it in bags and they would put it off to the side into a storage area so that you know you have a certain amount of time to come and claim your car after it's repossessed. Otherwise, it goes to auction. So now your car is no longer yours. And he's like, yeah, man, there was like maybe five or six colognes and like couple watches. He said he opened up the trunk and it was filled. And then he's like, it's not just knock off like Cologne. There was like Dolce Gavana. There was like Gucci. They're like high in like colognes.

He's like, dude, bottles like a couple hundred dollars. That never came. You know, it's, you see a lot of things like that. Drugs. I remember, like, rolling around in, like, the north end of Hartford. So, Hartford, you know, it's not the safest place to be rolling around, especially the north end. And come into an apartment complex to grab a car.

And there with the kids. sitting on the corner of like the complex and it was almost like gated there was no gate for the entrance it was like those iron you know like the iron fences that you see like the spike tops and all that and he was standing there and i'm like that's not good and he went running so i zipped up grab the car real quick and by the time i hooked it and put it up in the air connecticut it's once the car is off the ground even if it's like a centimeter a millimeter you legally own it they can't lawfully make you put down the car um he starts banging on a door and next thing i know this dude comes out and he had drugs in the trunk i'm like dude

I don't care what's in the car. I'm taking the car. Forget your stuff. Move it. I don't want an issue. But it was, you know, I'm going to kill you tonight. I'm like,

I hope you pull faster than me. Like, because if push comes to shove, you know, 99% of us carry. Connecticut doesn't have a stand-your-ground law, but, you know, if push came to shove and you pull a gun on me,

I'm going to make sure I protect myself, make sure I get home. I ended up getting out of doing all that because it was bad. I mean, I had a pregnant woman. A pregnant woman. I went to go grab the car in Meriden, and I hooked it,

and she came running outside. And I'm in the air, and I'm already starting to move, and she dove into her car. I'm like, you could tell, like, not two months, but she's like six, seven months pregnant. Like, it's clear that it's, that she dove in the car. And then her husband, her boyfriend comes running out like a, fuck, like a gorilla banging on the truck, like beating on it. I'm like, this dude's going to shatter the window.

Like, if he hits the window that hard, like, this dude's going to come through my window. Like, what am I supposed to do? Called the Meriden police. I'm like, hey, so this pregnant woman just like dove headfirst into her car. And they're like, what? And I'm like, yeah, like, she jumped. So they showed up and there was nips all over the car. So, you know, they can't technically do anything.

But it's like, to me, like that stuck with me because it's like you're pregnant and you're drinking. That's bad. That's like real bad. But, you know, it's, you put yourself in the really dangerous situations and the money's not worth it. Like we repossession, you don't get paid a lot. I mean, essentially, it's like you're making minimum wage. So if we would have a guy, he was like a spotter. So he had cameras and it would be, you know,

that we had repossessed, instead of going to auction, we bought it, and they put the cameras on it. And the cameras are the same ones that the police use. The only difference is the software. So they have different software. So when we come through with the cameras, it's the same thing. When you drive by a cop with them on, it pulls up the car. So for us, it would just scan the license plate, and it would tell you, like, the license plate. and then if it was repossession,

if it was out for repo, it would make an alarm sound and you would know you just scan the car. You need to verify VIN numbers. You can't just go around grabbing cars off of license plates because people misuse plates and you get a wrongful repossession. That's bad news.

You open the company up to lawsuits. You open yourself up to getting in legal trucks. trouble. But yeah, you're putting yourself in the dangerous and just bad situations. You don't know what's in the car. Like drugs. Who knows what else is in the car? A body, you have no idea. Like, someone just stored a body in a car. You just grabbed it. I mean, things like that happened. We had a kid we worked with. He got shot at. Wow. And it wasn't like Hartford, Meriden, New Haven. It was like a nicer area. and he went down a driveway and it was a neighbor from next door that started shooting at him. They were just doing his job. And the spotters would get paid 75, I think.

I want to say it was 75 per car. Me coming to pick it up, I was getting 35. If I spotted the car and grabbed it on my own, I would get the 75. But even if you do 10 cars, the night you just made 350 bucks but it's not worth being put into having guns pulled

being shot at having people threaten you trying to fight you it's not worth the money the danger that comes with it one guy yeah one got shot at one had like a machete

pulled another one had a bat pulled on them like people get guns pulled on them all the time. I'm like my dad's sitting there. He's like, what are you, what are you doing with your life? Like, why are you putting yourself into these situations? And it all came full circle. Because, uh, you know, like I've, I've had my fair share of issues, like addiction wise. I had an issue with pills. It wasn't as like, it what? I don't want to make it sound like it's any worse or like any better than what it is. But I don't think it ever got to the point where it was like,

I'm going to go get heroin and start shooting up. Like I know it was bad. But my thing was always like, fight it in or percocet. Occasionally, like, I would grab oxy. And like my dad had, so I broke my hand. And that's kind of like where it started was. Was that towards the end of your firefighting journey? Yeah, that was like toward the very end.

Like I ended up just moving and it just kind of like, I never joined that one. They wanted to send you to go see like the town psychologist. And I'm like, oh, I'm not getting through that. Like if I was honest, yeah, like absolutely not. And then I broke my hand, like, right before my 21st birthday, like, two days before. And, yeah, and that's where it's, like, the love came in because, like, the feeling. Because growing up, it was, like, I knew there was something going on with me.

Like, I never could put my, like, my finger on, like, what it is. I just knew, like, I was different than, like, other kids. short fuse like temper real bad real fast and when i started taking that for the hand it was like that first feeling it like took everything away all like the worry all the the things going on in my brain because by that point i was i was already out of high school in high school i had um i was talking with a friend and i told them that i had like a suicide thought. So they, the next day, went to the school, talked to the school. I got pulled into the school's psychiatrist, psychologist's office, and talked to again. And then I'd already done

therapy by that point. Like, outside, my parents had sent me. And then we had stopped because I was a kid. I didn't want to be there. So it wasn't like, hey, I'm going to open up. I'm to talk to you and be honest and like let's figure what's going on now it was shut down and just give them what they want to hear so then even with that i was like i played it off i'm like no no they was thinking out of like context that's not really what happens that's no that's what happened but didn't want to own up to it it's embarrassing you know you're young not supposed to feel like that being that young being like 16 17 want to take your own life and like I wasn't bullied but it was just a whole bunch of thing going on it was like just too much for my brain that to handle at once and uh

so then like taken it was either I want to say it was perkis at first because one of them I have a reaction to I can never remember which one but I get like super itchy and I end up you could tell the difference of my breathing it's not normal it's almost like labored breathing where it's like delayed and uh but the feeling it gave just like everything left like all the worry all the pain everything was just gone and then it got bad it's like the kid I grew up with that lived behind us he uh his grandma was dying and he didn't know really what was going on, like no one did. And he was like, hey, do you want to come take a ride?

Like, say goodbye to my grandma. Like, yeah, because, you know, we would go and say, like, to Walmart. She lives pretty close by. We'd go stop and hang out for a little bit and see his grandma. And so we went over when I got into his car, like I kind of like slumped in the seat. and he was like, dude, what's going on? Like, what hell are you doing? I played it off.

Like, oh, it's nothing, you know, tired. Some medication. And I was like, okay. Instead of saying, hey, like, he recognized that something's going on. Like, I should probably look at this problem. I said, okay, now I need to hide it. You need to hide it better because now he caught on, so other people are going to catch on.

And it got worse. And then my dad got hurt. So then he had prescriptions. And I was taking them from him. And it's just, it led down like this rabbit hole. And I remember my dad taking me out one day, took me to a bar. And I remember him sitting there and looking at me and just going, what are you doing? Like, why are you taking, like, all my pills?

And again, just not owning anything and just playing it off. Like, oh, my hand hurt or this hurt. That's not what was going on. For me, it was, it was just, it took away all the, like, the darkness that, like, lingers in my brain because it's a pretty dark place. So, like, back to, like, the fireman thing. I was 16, and I remember them saying, like, hey, this is what you want to do?

Like, let's go. It was a lady. Her husband owns a gravel company, like a big company out in Waterford. And they own like, I think she was like a real estate agent. I think she owned her own or something like that. And they found her unresponsive in the back of her car in the parking lot of McDonald's. So I remember them saying like, hey, let's go. Like, this is what you want to do.

Let's go. But we go there and, yeah, she's unresponsive. So start doing CPR. So I don't have my EMT. I didn't have my CPR or my first aid. So I was more of like the runner back and forth to the ambulance. Like we have, they call them backboard. They're backboards.

They'll put you under the help immobilize you and they'll support you back. So you're on a hard surface. But there's also a CPR. board that's almost like that's a small so and if you're on the grass you know grass is soft especially in the summertime it's hard to give someone CPR if they're laying in like mud or if they're laying in something soft so you slide the board under and now it gives them that that firm surface underneath to where you can give them good compressions and so I had to run and grab that and um we had paramedics come from the hospital.

So most of them were EMTs. So the hospitals around, like Lawrence and Memorial and New London, and even Bacchus and Norwich, they have paramedics. They buy them like rigs. So here you go. They're stocked up with everything they need medically. So they would come when it was something that needs, like, advanced care. like cardiac arrest or overdoses and then the paramedic showing up and having to help grab

like the fibulators and grab the monitors and all this and then sitting there watching this lady get compressions like 16 years old and watching her die and i don't know if you've ever heard but when someone's on like their way out it's the death rattle hearing the death rattle for the first time and like not knowing what that is that's traumatizing big time because all it is it's like i guess the fluid that's in there it's like hitting something in your throat and it's getting that that rattle but they say when when you hear the death rattle that's like the person's they're they're about to die um Yeah, so like that, that stuck with me because that was the first time I've ever seen someone like die in front of me.

And the first time I heard the death rattle and that was, it sticks out big time. Share with us some of the other traumatic experiences you witnessed and experienced as a firefighter. So there was another one. Like you don't really know what's going on. You don't know about the person until like after, unfortunately. I remember being at the firehouse and the ambulance was out already. And they were calling for manpower. And so they just need more hands because we were a volunteer.

So there was the one paid guy. It was later at night. It was probably like six, seven. So he had, we don't wait. You don't wait for someone else to show up to. like fully crew, like full crew on an ambulance. It's you go and you start. And most of the time paramedics are going to show up and there'll be an extra hand and other people will show up.

And another guy showed up and they're calling for manpower and he's like, let's go. He's like, I don't care. You don't have your EMT. Let's go. They need help. Even if it's, you know, moving the stretcher. Nowadays, the stretches are a lot better where you can almost just one finger on the button and they lock. But before it was, you had to hold it.

So if you get a bigger person, you know, there's a couple people trying to hold it while you hold the button down to bring the wheels up to slide it in. So now it's just on like a track and you can just press the button and not even touch it and it stays. But so we didn't know what was really going on. it was a cardiac arrest, a heart attack or whatever the case is, their heart stopped. And when they dispatch all this stuff, they give you essentially what they know. So whatever info the call taker can get, you know, basic information, you know, man, woman, age, what happened? like did you witness them collapsed or did they fall and crack their head open they're trying to get you stuff so they can relate to us so we know essentially like ahead of time all right it's a cardiac arrest so immediately grab um you know the aED or defibrillator make sure we have the oxygen grab this and this and this like you know okay prepared grab it go And we showed up and they were just bringing her out on the stretcher.

And I remember her sitting up on it, throwing up, and then just boom, drop right back down. And the guy looked at me and he's like, yeah, she's dead. Like, you just saw that. Yeah, she's gone. And then looking at the house and seeing her kid in the door. And it's like witnessing someone passed away. is traumatic to begin with. But then when you look and you see her kid just watched all of that,

your heart just like shatters in the pieces. You're like, that poor kid. Like, I was still a kid, no, to some people. 16, you think you're an adult. But witnessing this, like, little, almost like just, they're like precious little human beings and they're so innocent and having him or i don't remember if it was a boy or girl just watch all of that and seeing their mom like sit up throw up and drop back down that one stuck too other things too even like seeing animals like i like animals

i always say i like animals more than people but uh like going to a fire point them out cats and you open um like the sheet you just like um sheet off like the ambulance ready or not summer is coming and wayfair's memorial day clearance is on now right now through may 25th get up to 70% off everything home at wayfair plus score amazing doorbuster deals all sale long and surprise flash deals on memorial day we're talking thousands of products at every style and budget now is the time to save big on must-habs for your patio backyard and beyond. These savings won't last.

So don't wait. Shop Wayfair's Memorial Day clearance now through May 25th. Wayfair, every style, every home. Cover up. So people don't see what we're going to look at and pulling open and seeing the cat with its stomach hanging out of its mouth. And you're like, oh, you know,

in your head, firemen and police. and most civil servants have like a people think it's like a sick sense of humor it's coping mechanism so a lot of times after something traumatic like that you know you'll start cracking jokes

it's not that we're insensitive or it doesn't affect us or doesn't bother us it's trying to cope is what you just saw and that's how it's just been for firemen I know it's comes off as being insensitive

Do you think that a lot of these instances and situations that you witnessed contributed to your addiction that would, you know, come to be after you suffered an injury? Do you think it was like a buildup leading up to that and you were just waiting for something traumatic happened to yourself to trigger that all open? I think it's like a couple different things. I think it's, I was predisposed from like the start. biological father was I heard heroin but I've also heard like meth so I don't exactly know

what he was addicted to but I know there was addiction issues even um other family members alcoholism and other drugs to different family I think it was part

the being predisposed I think the bipolar definitely had a big part in all of that And then being a fireman and having bipolar definitely is like a recipe for disaster. You're asking for an addiction problem. And a good chunk of firemen, unfortunately, are functioning alcoholics. It's a big misconception with therapy and making you think that, you're less of a for going and seek

and help. But they've been pushing a lot more mental health because they're seeing like recidivism and alcoholism and firemen. And it's, they help get them clean

and then all of a sudden they're backing up because they just witness another traumatic thing like a plane crash and, especially like New York City's had some very traumatic things happen over there and they just keep seeing firemen just addiction over and over and getting hurt on the job and now they're getting addicted to painkillers or whatever it is

it's um yeah there's a big addiction community inside of like civil service um yeah i think it definitely plays a huge part. It's the trauma and everything that you're witnessing. And then having to essentially shake it off and go do another one. You go from one car accident to like a fatal fire. And they could be back to back. Like you could just be wrapping up with like a fire. And all of a sudden there's a rollover with ejection.

Now you got to shake off whatever you just saw there. Go handle that situation. and then turn around and shake that off and go home. You know, we were volunteer. Yeah, we would hang out at the firehouse. We had TV, couches, and, you know, we had a kitchen. We had, like, basketball hoop, like, weights and, like, workout stuff. There was stuff to do and hang out.

And a lot of them, though, I was young. They had kids, and they'd have to shake everything off and go home and be with their kids and act like nothing has. happen. It's stuff. Share with us the times you went and had to attend to someone in a prison you were sharing with me off camera when we met. And I think that would be a really interesting perspective to show kind of like the lack of response time and care for some inmates when an emergency service personnel is called to the prison.

So it's actually kind of disgusting how slow. the responses and it's not the fireman it's unfortunately it's just how security works and with east lime there was when like i was growing up there was two active prisons there was york CI which is the women's prison in connecticut and then like right up the road was gates which was the it was like a low men's and by the time i became a fireman's My gates was already closed. So we only had York. And we were like second due technically because that was Nianix jurisdiction.

They had a firehouse literally right outside York CI. It's a only like a two bay firehouse. So they had an engine and they had they kept like a their brush truck in there. And I think they kept the spare ambulance. So it was coming from like down the road from like. headquarters, maybe three, four minute response, like light sirens moving. And when you would get to the prison, like for us, it was probably like an eight-minute response to come across town.

You would hit the entrance, you would get to the guard shack. Guard would have to be waiting at the shack already to jump in the ambulance and ride in with you, and then he'd have to go to the Sally Port and now you have to be escorted in. and, you know, they're not checking our bags because we carry trauma shears and other stuff to cut stuff off. Needles for, you know, and the paramedics are there. They can administer drugs. But it was so delayed from the minute you hit the entrance to the time you actually got inside the building. And then, you know, it's one locked door walking in to another lock door.

and then that being open and then you know how it is they have to radio in it's not like turn the key pull the door or just pull the door it's pop you know like door 2a pop door 2b and so it's like 10 minutes by the time like you're already on the grounds and a couple times it was you know women in labor and from east lime to l&M which was our hospital say out 10 to 12 minute like with lights and sirens going so you're already at about 20 to 30 minutes from the time you get there to the time you can get them loaded and it's not just like load them up and let's go it's the guard has to come back now they got to get the paperwork they have to come with paperwork to the hospital and there was always one guard in the ambulance there was one guard

following so there was two that were coming and we can't leave until the paperwork's there okay well she's an active labor or she's overdosing because drugs get into prisons you know it happens and you're just sitting there waiting and waiting and then finally hey we got the paperwork we can go well why why isn't this ready for us when we get there you guys are waiting the call like you know the inmates will tell you I've been telling them I've been in labor for six hours and you're like it's 8 o'clock at night so you've been really telling them since like 2 o'clock noon 2 o'clock you've been telling them that you're in labor and they're just yeah no like no or You know how health care is in there.

It's not great. I actually had an ex that was in York, CI. Oh, really? Yeah. And were you visiting her? No. This was after everything. But yeah, no, I dated someone that was, that she was in York.

Like she was in York before you guys met? We had met, and then she went to York. And then she got out. Into the bad girls, huh? Yeah. That's a theme for me. But it's, she's like, you know, you tell them, like, I had pain in my right side. Like, it could be like appendicitis or it could be like kidney infect.

Like whatever's going on, you tell them and they just, they don't care. They brush it off. And it's not until like you collapse on the ground that they're like, ah, we should. should probably do something. I hope it's gotten better, but it was always a delayed process. It wasn't just they're humans.

They made a mistake. You don't need to treat them like an animal. Let us do our job and get them the medical care that they need. And just there was a hassle. I mean, sometimes, you know, right guards, it would be like, you know, we have

everything ready let's go other times it was just like that where it was the process and waiting and waiting and we never went in without the paramedic um so we always had a wait but generally speaking they were within like a minute or two to three minutes like right behind us um it's it's kind of disgusting how bad it is for them when they actually need, like, true emergency care, and it's being forced to wait for hours. And then finally, like, they see the relief. They see the ambulance show up, and they're like, finally I can get help. And then having to wait, like, another 20 minutes. It's, yeah, I don't, I don't wish that on anybody. How are you able to finally overcome your addiction?

it took a long time because it was like off and on again and um so the uh the ex that i had that was in new york she was a heroin addict and i still had issues with pills but she was also getting suboxin and if you take enough suboxin it gets you high so i was you know and they're tiny little Like they're smaller than like your pinky nail. Like they're tiny little square. And you just put it on like your tongue, it would dissolve. And so I'd take a couple of those. And then you get the same feeling.

Like if I took like a Vicodin or a Percocet, you get that like super warm feeling. And it like starts almost like in like the back, like back your lungs almost. It's just like super warm. and then it just like takes over your body. And it was years of just like, you know, I had a buddy that I can get whatever actually I needed.

If I needed like perk 30s, I could call him. He'd be like, yeah, sure. Just if you buy one, I get one. So I'd have to buy two. So you'd take a cut of it and it's like, all right, whatever. But it took a long time. Like, I did that with that X. And then there's a whole other story that I had surgery and I didn't have anything in my system at the time.

And I actually ended up overdosing inside the hospital. I'll tell you about that. But that was, like, essentially where the turning point was. Because like up to that point, I would still get pills here and there or suboxin. And when that happened, it was like, oh, okay, hold on. Like, timeout, let's stop and look like what just happened. And you were done with firefighting at that point. At that time, yeah.

This was, this wasn't that long ago. This was a couple years ago. Happened when I was repossessing. long story but it uh i ended up going to clear out a round in my gun and people will call it like a fucking accidental discharge it was a negligent like i knew guns i knew watch where your muzzles pointed i didn't when i brought the slide back um from what the police came and everything and their armory pulled apart the gun and they said it was a there's a piece they used to use metal and now they're using plastic and it sheared and they let the pin strike

because when I brought the slide back it was all the way back and so it let go like the piece sheared the pin struck round went off I didn't pay attention so it's not an accidental discharge it's negligence like you need to know where your muzzles pointed I didn't and it went in the leg because I was sitting down so it went in my knee it broke my kneecap and it cracked my femur so I had to you know call 911 they had to come out and police came first they're asking like where's the gun like it's right there um I have a six sense of humor and uh like I generally have a pretty high pain tolerance, but that was just straight adrenaline. I didn't, honestly, I didn't feel anything.

I knew something was wrong because my ears were like, almost like someone boxed your ears and like slapped you in the ear and you get that like deafening sound. And I called 911. The police came first. I ended up cracking jokes with them because, you know, adrenaline is one hell of a drug. You don't feel anything. And I got lucky. There was a firehouse right across the street.

So from the time the police got there, which was probably within three to five minutes, this was up in East Hartford. So a lot of police. And they cleared the scene for fire to come in because you can't go into dangerous scenes like that. If it's someone violent or they call it E-T-O-H but intoxicated, police have to be there.

They have to clear the scene first. So any kind of gun crime or gun victim, it has to be cleared first, make sure the scene's safe for them to move in. And within like five to six minutes, I had firemen right there helping and got lucky because formal artery runs up. the leg and so it's like dodged one bullet right there didn't know I was gonna have to dodge

another one but literally oh yeah hey look at that dodged the bullet um they uh so they had to put me in the ambulance and when you're out that way there's two hospitals in harford so you can either go to st francis or you can go to harford hospital i figured harford hospital hospital is right by 91. Like, I'm going to be up here. Instead of getting up into like St. Francis, like my parents are going to want to come up here on their kid. Kid just shot himself in the leg. Cheddar Bob. Yeah, that was a nickname. Cheddar Bob. If you'd make it easy, you know, close to the highway. So got to the hospital. You know, they're asking. do you feel anything?

No. Like, I could feel my leg. I could, you know, feel everything I need to. It's not like, you know, I'm cutting the circulation off and I'm at risk of losing, like, my leg or my foot. So they gave fentanyl. And that was hard because it was, like, the minute I had that feeling hit,

it, like, brought me back to everything. And I'm like, oh, I like, that feeling. And then that only lasted for about 20 minutes. And they asked if I ever had ketamine. So they prescribed in the ER, they gave me a couple doses of ketamine, like throughout the night. And then in the morning, they told me, you're going to have surgery at some point today because that happened the night before so I spent the entire night like inside the actual ER and then I got moved to a room and then they came into like so you're going to have surgery now this is what we expect you know four hours um this is what's going on do you have a hairline

fracture in your femur which that will heal on its own it's only a hairline fracture you don't need anything for that but your kneecap your patella said it's in quite a few pieces. So we're going to have to do reconstructive surgery. Took a little longer than what they thought. Pulling out bullet fragment, bone fragment. So I have three screws in my knee. So I came out of surgery and my parents were there.

And they asked, you know, Is there anything that we need to do? They said, no, like, you guys are all right. He's just going to be in recovery. So my parents ended up leaving, and I had a nurse come in with a big brace, and it went from, like, almost, like, top of your thigh all the way down to my ankle, and it locks, so you can't move, you can't bend your knee at all. And in the process of her putting it on, like, what I remember is,

is getting tired and closing my eyes. And I guess that's not what happened. It was a, came out from anesthesia. I was in a lot of pain. If you've never had screws or like pins put in, especially screws because they drill into bone. So like people will tell you if they've ever had,

like, donated bone marrow, it's one of the most painful things ever because they're drilling into your bone so it was just the worst pain like even shooting myself in the leg didn't hurt but the screws it was like torture

I'm like this is ridiculous that didn't hurt but that does like all right they gave me allotted very strong painkiller and then they gave another dose and i think it was like a shift change so that nurse gave me more so it was already like anesthesia and then like three or four doses that allotted right after

and i ended up o d in the bed and the nurse that put the brace on didn't know anything was wrong she thought i'd fell like she thought i fell asleep like oh he's he's asleep well he's asleep well let him sleep. And my ex at the time saw that I was blue and ran out to the nurses and told them so they hit the, they were, they call it it's a code, you know, you're coding, you're dying. So I had no idea. I was just out dreaming. And the first thing I see, like I came to, it's,

like super bright because everything is on top of you lights on top of you and you wake up and it's like staring into this light and everything starts to like come into focus it's all like fuzzy and I see doctors and I see this thing and it was purple and I see them squeezing so what they did was they inundated me so they stuck the tube down and they were breathing for me and they told me they gave me four doses doses in the loxin, which is Narcan.

And they were about ready to pronounce me. They're like, you, we weren't, we weren't given anymore. Like, we gave you four doses of Narcan. So they fortunately tried to put the blame on me saying that I had stuff inside my system. And that's why it brought my tolerance down. They did urinalysis after that. Like I remember them coming in and making me pee into a cup and taking it and saying, oh, see, he's got hydromorphone or he's got this in his system, like codeine or whatever it is.

And it's because they gave me medication in the ER last night. Here we are the next day. Like, yes, it's going to show up in my urine that there's things in my system. But there was actually nothing in my system that night. It was just neglect, being stupid. They had to call my parents. And my parents said, about 45 minutes, they had to flip around and come race back up to the hospital

because they got the phone call, hey, your son's not breathing. We're breathing for your son. You need to get back up here now. So, yeah, that waking up. to see in them have a tube down your throat and like you could see them like right above your face just breathing for you and like that was like I never cry and that was like the breaking point like it like broke me because it's like holy shit I like died and then making the mistake

of telling them I have to P and they don't give you an opportunity on nurse grabs and catheter and pulling the tube out of your throat is it's not fun but that was because they actually give you drugs in order to essentially like loosen up your throat so it's not tense so you're not tensing up when they're trying to put the tube down your throat and so you don't feel it um they don't do that with catheters. It is almost like Vaseline and it's just right up. And it's not fun going in, coming out because it's been there and now all the Vaseline is like not there anymore. It comes out and it is painful. Like I had tears coming down. But that was like the first time I think I cried in a long time was waking up and seeing people breathing for me and just like shock, scared shitless.

of what the hell thinks. I had no idea that that's what happened. And then, yeah, I still did oxies here and there, and it would still do Suboxin. I was definitely a little bit more scared about doing it. Didn't do it for a while. And I ended up going back to my parents' house because I couldn't walk.

And I remember them, I want to say it probably was like stuck in their brain. Like he, yeah, a couple of years ago he was taking prescriptions. Like, he was taking my dad had soldier surgery and I think knee surgery. And they were pretty close. So like, yeah, I was stealing all of his pain meds knowing he needed them. Like pretty shitty thing to do. But they kept the dilauded pretty much under a locking key. Like it was not around to where I could get my hands on it.

They gave me nerve blockers. They gave me like muscle relaxer. And then they gave the dilaudid. And my mom was scared to give me the dilatid. one because I have a history with abusing and then two because of they gave me dilated and then I overdosed in the hospital so come to find out it's all because I have a low tolerance to pain medication um so that's uh it was good and bad like having the low tolerance was good when I was using because I didn't need a ton. I didn't need to go get like three per 30s to feel anything.

It was, I can get like a 10 or a 5 and I can feel it. Just, yeah, that was, that was a scary, scary point. Really started making me think about it though. Like, what am I doing? And then I met my kid's mom. And it was, it was like, she had her own issues she was using and for whatever reason i've always had it i want to say probably because i feel like i couldn't ever help my own self so like trying to be like the savior and help someone that was struggling like the ex before her was a heroin addict she was a heroin addict It was like I was like sticking with people that needed saving because I couldn't even save my own self.

And I remember I met her and I could tell like right off the bat. I'm like she used this. So then I was trying to hide it. And then so I had told her I was like, hey, if you if you ever want to get clean, like I'll help you. um and like a little while later

we ended up finding out she was pregnant and um she was doing good where you know we found out she was pregnant and she wasn't using I still was and

so if she's listening I'm sorry but like she didn't this is stuff that like people don't ever know um like my parents don't know about a lot of this stuff either. So first time. But she, uh, she was using and we found out she was pregnant and she started to stop and she did good and then she relapsed. And then she did good and then she relapsed again. And one of them, um, actually right before we found out she was pregnant. Her car had like a slow leak in its tire and she had to go to

work. She worked at a bar and I was like, just take my car. Like, so you don't have to come out at midnight and have a flat tire and then I have to come down and put air in and like just take my car and go. She made it and was like, hey, I'm dropping off a friend. I'll be there in like 20 minutes. And like 20 minutes went by. I was like, okay. Like, what's going on? So I texted her. I didn't.

She didn't answer. I called her. And she's like, oh, I'm like, I could see the house. And I hear bang. She crashed. Like, right out front, hit a telephone pole. Total the car. I didn't care about the car.

I heard the bang. And I'm like, what was that? And like, she didn't say anything. I'm like, are you okay? and then I looked out the window and I saw, I could tell, because I had, I think I put, it was H-I-D headlights. So it had like that blue tint so I could see like the one headlight that didn't get smashed that was still on.

I'm like, oh, oh shit, that's my car. So I went booking it down the road. And as soon as I like ripped open the door, I looked and there was a cop right behind already. I'm like, how? Like, none of us called yet. She must have just passed them. Because right there in Groton, they, uh, it's, uh, Groton, Utah. One, two, a one, two, three, four.

Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that kid, cat me and break. Break me off a piece of that kid, got me a break. Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar! Have a break. Have a Kit Kat.

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Book now at Fiji Airways.com Contact your local travel agent. Conditions apply. Buddies. That's their power company. And they like to sit in their driveway, set back from the road. So you can't see them until, like, you're right where, like, they see you. And he must have passed him and he must have heard the bang and pulled out and saw.

And I, like, I looked around the car because, like, I knew she was using. And she didn't sniff. She shot up. So then I see needle caps. Super easy to see. They're bright orange. And even in the dark, like they stand out. Like you could see it laying on the ground.

So I grabbed it through it in my pocket. So because they could have went two ways. They could have charged her or they could have been like, well, it is your car. And I could have been charged with it. And I told her, I said, listen. shut your mouth don't say anything they're going to ask you questions they're looking to see if you're under the influence like it was rainy but it wasn't torrential downpour it's like you should in a hydroplane it rained all day it's not like you know they always say first first rain roads are super slick so all the oil comes out of

the ground um like they ask you questions just repeat My neck hurts or my back hurts. Don't say anything except for that. Take the ride to the hospital. She listened. She went. So I was dealing with a cop. And I was like, can I get my work stuff out?

I still have to go to work in the morning. So I really wanted to kind of like look around the car, make sure there wasn't anything else because I didn't want her to get arrested. And I didn't want to get charged with it. So we go. go to the hospital and at first they wouldn't let me. I went with her mom. They wouldn't let us in the room.

They kept saying, no, no, you guys need to wait out here. Like, what's going on? There was a car accident. We should be allowed right back. And then the nurse came out and was like, so we were doing an ultrasound and I didn't know she was pregnant. her mom didn't know. I don't even think she knew.

And yeah, that's kind of how we found out was she wrecked my car. But then I remember as the nurse is bringing us back to the room, I remember hearing like another nurse in the room talking to her and being like, why were there needles in your jacket pocket? Like, you're pregnant. If you need help, we'll get you the help that you need. and remember leaving going home talking to her and her saying like no i didn't use before i'm like it's almost like irrelevant at this point whether you did or not if you did it would make

more sense into why you crashed but like what's done is done you're okay we just found out we're having a baby like and the baby's okay so like just be thankful about that like I was still super pissed but um and then a couple like small little things like here and there and I try not to be judgmental about it because it's like who am I to judge her for using when I was doing the same thing and hiding it from her at least she got comfortable and she told me like because I would say like hey I kind of tell super easy to notice

especially when you're in like active addiction you can kind of tell like when someone else is and so like a little bit goes by and I had to wake up so for work for us

because our so unions like trades, we do apprenticeships, and that's essentially like you're schooling. So ours was held at our union hall, and we would go for a week every three months, and they would teach you what you need to know.

For us, it's a lot of geometry and algebra. So mechanical insulation, it's a lot of breaking down circles knowing like your radiuses, your diameters, circumference, fractions, fractions, fractions, like decimals. And they teach you that in high school, but I didn't pay attention. So I did my apprenticeship and they go over all of that and they teach you everything. And I remember we have we did our our school started at 7 a.m. Wallingford for me coming from I lived in Groton then. So it was about an hour and 10 minutes. And I remember like waking up and looking around and like she wasn't in bed. So I'm like maybe she went down like she made me like lunch or maybe she's making breakfast. She was pregnant, so she could have, you know, acid reflux and heartburn.

She had heartburn bad in one of the pregnancies. So it was like, okay, she couldn't sleep, she watched TV or whatever. I go downstairs and I don't see her. I'm like, okay, so she wasn't upstairs in the bathroom because I was just in there. I just brushed my teeth. I'm like, it's not like she couldn't sleep and had like restless legs, which is another thing. like she had during pregnancy and that's rough. Couldn't find her.

It's like I walked around upstairs. I walked around downstairs and she's nowhere. But I didn't check downstairs bathroom. And I walked by so the downstairs bathroom was attached to like the living room. And I saw the light on. I'm like, the hell is that? I walked over and she's laying on the floor. like not like sprawled out but like hunched over like leaned up against the radiator in the wall

and like partially on the toilet and like what the hell and then i'm like oh shit she's blue she overdosed so she had woken up at some point and i don't know when and she went downstairs and shot up and overdosed and i caught her as I'm getting ready to leave. And yeah, that was like instant panic. That caused a lot of issues down the road to where, like, I've always had a hard time sleeping. But if I felt her, like, even like shift, I would like wake up in like a panic. And I had to drag her out of the bathroom.

gave her CPR was on the phone with 911 and they're asking all the questions and you know it's it's a lot different when you're on the other end when it's you calling for help and they're asking you all these questions it it was like I was super short I'm like stop asking me these stupid questions and get me an ambulance here now like stop asking me like if she how old she I'm like just get an ambulance here hurry up and uh before the ambulance got there

she just started to come back and by the time they got there she was like she was conscious but she was just confused because I've been in that position where you wake up

from an overdose and you have no idea what just happened. You're lost, you're confused, you're scared and ended up not going to school that day. We went to the hospital and it was during a snowstorm too. Like we had a couple, we had a good like six, seven inches. So I remember the ambulance coming in. I remember seeing a plow first and then the ambulance, which is a common thing.

We had a big fire one year and it was back to back. think like Nor'easters that hit. And to get to the fire, I remember the plow is just plowing the road and like salting and sanding the roads that they know that we're going down so that we can get to the house. And I remember seeing like the plow and then the ambulance and they had a fire truck show up too because Groton has their own ambulance, but they're separate from the firehouses. So they have their own little station. and so they'll send a fire truck out until the ambulance can get to you at least they can start

treating and going to the hospital and I give her a lot of credit because from that day on she never used to gun and looking back now I feel like shit because she didn't and I still did and it wasn't until like a little bit after that that I stopped and it was like I don't know just something about like to realize I'm like oh shit like I'm about I'm about to be a parent what the hell am I doing like I've had an overdose that wasn't like me taking anything like I gotten lucky with like that aspect mine was unfortunately like hospital hers wasn't and like just looking back and going like i can't i can't make my kid grow up without a parent because their dad just likes getting high or mom likes getting high or whatever the case is it's like it's just

something like clicked in my brain. It was like, you're going to be a parent. You need to be there for your kids. And like knock the shit off. And it's time to grow up and be a man, not be a kid. Stop being a boy. I've had the urges. It's hard because it's like going to the dentist, getting like wisdom teeth out.

They'll give you, fight it in. they'll give you percocet and me it's to the point where like even doing therapy now i don't want any kind of medication that is either like a benzo or any kind of addictive so like even like i take sleeping meds and they're um what's the big one that everyone um whatever the big sleeping meds Melatonin? No, it's a narcotic. And they, like Eminem used to, he had songs and he was talking about that's what he would take. It's like a sedative.

People use it for sleep. I can't think of the name of it. I told him, like, I don't want any of that. I want something that's non-addictive because I know my personality. And I get, my brain gets to be like a really dark, dark. place. I've had like multiple like suicidal like ideulations and thoughts and even like a couple attempts. And it was yeah, it was like time to just to be there, grow up and stop because that darkness was really there when I was using. Like there was still darkness but it wasn't like

as dark which, you know, it's supposed to have. help, you know, unfortunately, like addiction, it helps take away the pain, but it creates so much more pain because you're not dealing with any of your issues. And, yeah, something clicked, and then eventually, you know, we, I ended up traveling for work, and I went out to Pittsburgh and worked at the cracker plant. So they are taking, like, Athylene pellets, and it's essentially, like making plastic is what I was told I don't really know um I never got into like knowing what like I'm actually working at me it just want to show up to send my hours to the hall so I can get a pension credit sign my checks like that's what I care about and uh so like I was out there

ended up had like some kind of like suspicion that like something was off and She was hanging out with one of her friends, and I know the girl's trouble. And she was like, oh, she's over. And I'm like, I'm eight and a half hours away. And I ended up finding out that, yeah, they, like, did a line of Coke. And I was, like, pissed because I'm like, you know, our daughter's with you. I'm over here. You're supposed to be taking care of her.

Not doing that. but we ended up working through all of that kind of thing like it was it was rocky for a little bit after that it's always a rocky road to get to you know the top of the mountain it's yeah it really is what's the life lesson you want people to take away from your story today um don't be afraid to get the help you need like my ex-exam my she's my ex now but you know she uh she pushed me to to go and do therapy she's like something something's going on with you and you're present like you're here but you're not here for our kids like yes you're going to work and you're working you're doing all that stuff but you're not

present with them like you're not like going around playing like all the time like you should and so she pushed me to go do therapy and that's probably been like the biggest thing um so when we ended up splitting i was still in therapy and that was probably like the biggest lifesaver because splitting with the mother your kids is or the father your kids or whatever the situation is it's it's hard to begin with without kids and then throwing them into the mix it makes it so much harder and I know I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't have the therapy to help because we split and like the very next day my therapist had a like an emergency session and she got me right and she's worked with me from doing the outages at at the nuclear power plant and working with working six days 12 hour days she's worked with that schedule and still got me and I've stayed with it. It's like the biggest thing is don't be afraid to like reach out. Like if you feel like you're suicidal.

Like I was to the point where I was about to hang myself. Like I had everything ready to go and someone I reached out to it got back to me. And that's like the biggest thing right there was huge lifesaver. Like looking back now, like they saved my life. it was that phone call, and they were able to talk me off that ledge. And then I was able to do my therapy, like the very next day, because I was all the same day that everything happened. And having heard talked me off to ledge and saying, like, hey, you recognized what you were going to do as a permanent solution to a temporary problem and temporary hurt.

You'll heal. Just got to do the work. So that's the big thing is if you're feeling like that or, you know, you're going through anything, even if you feel like you're just like an angry person, it could be bipolar. It could be other things, underlying issues. I thought I was just an angry kid. It turns out it was, it's bipolar that was causing all these, like, angry outburst and things like that. So just reach out. Brandon, I appreciate you for coming on the show today, man.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, hopefully this was a helpful conversation for you, and it seems like you're able to get a lot off your chest, and, you know, I really appreciate you trusting me with your story today and sitting down to talk about it. I appreciate you having me. Let me get the story out. Yeah, of course, man, and, you know, keep in touch,

and you'll definitely inspire some people with this episode. I hope so. That's what I said before. Like I said to my dad, I'm like, you know, Hopefully, people were there to help me. Hopefully, I can return the favor and do some good and help someone else that needs it. Love it. Thank you, man.

Yeah, thank you.