Locked In with Ian Bick - Inside My Addiction to Pills & the Consequences That Followed | Maxwell White-Cohen

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

Maxwell White-Cohen explains how his pill addiction spiraled, the impact it had on his life, and the long road to recovery. #PillAddiction #OpioidCrisis #TrueCrime #AddictionRecovery #PharmaCrisis #MentalHealth #OvercomingStruggles #hardtruths Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://convictclothing.net/collections/convict-clothing-x-ian-bick Timestamps: 00:00:00 Growing Up in Massachusetts: A Family Story 00:03:31 Struggles and Aspirations in High School Football 00:07:17 High School Court Struggles and False Accusations 00:11:40 Pressing Charges and Foster Care Experience 00:14:44 Teen Rebellion and Family Dynamics 00:18:27 The Start of Substance Abuse: Coping with Family Illness 00:22:42 Overcoming Xanax Withdrawal and Addiction Struggles 00:26:20 Overcoming Addiction: A Personal Journey 00:31:01 Escaping a DUI Charge: A Lucky Break 00:34:03 The Influence of Teachers on My Life 00:37:36 Overcoming Addiction and the Role of Supportive Friendships 00:41:21 Overcoming Pill Addiction: A Personal Journey 00:45:05 Overcoming Financial Irresponsibility and Substance Abuse 00:48:33 Struggles with Addiction and Personal Transformation 00:52:41 Coping with Social Anxiety and Alcohol 00:55:50 The Importance of Sharing All Stories Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There aren't many guarantees in life. Your energy won't always show up. Your genes won't always fit. But I promise you this. If Just Thrive probiotic doesn't work for you, I'll refund every penny. Hi, I'm Tina. Just Thrive co-founder. And while most probiotics die in your stomach acid,

Just Thrive is clinically proven to arrive 100% alive for gut health results you could feel. Better digestion, less bloat, healthy immunity, improve sleep and clear skin. Take the Just Thrive Probiotic Challenge today. Visit just thrive health.com slash podcast. Take control today with Just Thrive. This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. Not to be a stereotype or anything, but I am one of those go, go, go, go girls. So I have so much stuff that's always on my plate.

And I always try to grab something on the go after the gym. And it's always so hard to find something that's actually going to be good tasting and good for you. Right? Because every time you grab a protein bar that looks like it's going to be okay, you flip it around and you start to read the ingredient list. And it's all sugar. And it's all stuff that you can't even. even pronounce. All I want is something good to eat. IqBarr is the better for you plant-based protein snack made with brain-boosting nutrients to refuel, nourish, and satisfy hunger

without the sugar crash. IQ Bar has low sugar, low carbs, and it's actually really good. Optimize your mind and body with IQ bars clean, functional products like protein bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffees. Go to IQ bar.com today and enter promo code Brain IQ to get an exclusive offer just for our listeners. 20% off all IQ bar products, Plus free shipping. That's IQBAR.com promo code Brain IQ. IQ bar.com code Brain IQ. Max, welcome to Lockton, man. Thank you, man. I appreciate it.

Yeah, I appreciate you for coming, making the drive from Massachusetts, right? Yeah, Oxbridge. Oxbridge? Oxbridge. I think you might be our first guest from there. Really? Yeah, definitely. There's not many people that have came out of Oxford. It's like right next to Worcester.

Okay. And you've listened to show for a while. Yeah, for years now. Awesome, man. So it's cool meeting you too, for sure. You guys dope, so. Yeah, yeah, well, I appreciate you coming. I'm glad we got.

got to hook you up with some of the magic mind shots and the Mike's bites. Excite about those. Yeah, let me know what you think. Those things are. I love those. Take them to bed. I'm excited to take them tonight. Yeah, I take them before sleep.

Some people, when they get high, it's like an upper. For me, it's like a downer. Like I go right to bed. I get knocked out. But like my cousin, when I got high with him, he is up all night and it's like a madman. Yeah, I can't do that. I'm just like stoned, ready for bed. Yeah, I like it to use it at more of a downer,

be able to just go to sleep with it. I don't like being all jacked up and stuff. I'll pass on the sativas and all that type of stuff. I'd rather just sleep. Yeah, and these taste good. They're like candy kind of in a way. Like I could eat a whole bag. Yeah, but I don't eat a whole bag.

But yeah, they're great. I really love them and they're a great sponsor of the show too. I appreciate it, man. So did you grow up in Massachusetts? Yeah, so I was born in Marlborough and I was there for like probably like three, four years. And then I moved out to Oxbridge. So it's been Uxbridge, mostly my whole life.

but yeah I was in Marlborough for a couple years Who were you raised by? So I would go to my dad's on the weekends and I would be with my mom and my stepdad from the weekdays so they moved out to Oxbridge I went with them so I'd go with them out to Oxbridge and then weekends to my dad's house in Marlborough

Any step, I mean brothers and sisters? Yeah I have a half brother His name's calling, he's awesome He has a he's a man He's the man and he's on my mom's side So he's my mom's son too Okay and what was the age difference between you guys? Four years.

Okay. Four years. So it was just you and him? Just me and him. Yeah. And as we got down the line when I was in eighth grade, my dad ended up having a kid with a new mother. So I do have another half-brother, but I only live with him for like a year or two. Which parent were you closer to?

Probably my dad. I was probably closer to him throughout my life just because of sports, like football, baseball, basketball. I was playing everything and he was my coach for everything. Lost him in 2020. And it just, yeah, yeah, it was probably closer to my dad. What'd your parents do for work? My dad didn't do much.

He didn't do anything, honestly. He didn't have the best work ethic, didn't really work a whole lot. He did sales for my best friend's dad's company, so he kind of got hooked up into that job. He didn't really do much. My mom has MS and a couple other things, so she doesn't work. and my stepdad is a boss at a company that they ship out like piping and a bunch of stuff like that. He works in a warehouse. Yeah.

How would people describe you as a kid? As a kid, I was fun. I was fun as a kid. But I was up to mischief. I was always up to shenanigans at the time. Sports, sports, girls, and just doing my thing, really. I wasn't the best kid for sure. Not all the parents wanted me to be around, but the parents had actually knew me and who I was, knew I was like a good kid.

I just had some tendencies that weren't the best tendencies. Yeah, I feel like a lot of kids that are like that in high school or middle school are kind of like that. Simple stuff like that. I wasn't doing anything crazy or anything like that. Were you doing any drugs or alcohol back then? I, no, I started smoking probably my sophomore year of high school, I'd say. Sophomore year, I would talk shit about all my friends smoking in eighth grade freshman year. I'd be like, you guys are this, that, and the third for smoking, and then I picked it up sophomore year, and then haven't really stopped since.

Now, did you have any, you know, career aspirations? Did you want to go to college? What was kind of like the plan? Yeah, in my head, I was going to go play football. I was going to go D1 somewhere, and that was my plan. But I never paid attention in school. I was terrible in school all throughout high school. Once I got into high school, like, I was A's and B's in middle school.

Once I got into high school, I kind of just feared off the path where. In my head, my athletic ability would put me into a college and I'd be playing somewhere without getting the grades to get me there. And I had horrible grades. So my aspirations were to play football. And then once the play football dreams kind of went down the toilet, I kind of just went down the toilet with it. What position did you play? I was quarterback. Oh, okay.

Quarterback. So popular kind of. Yeah. I was good. I was really good. but I, do you know who Johnny Mansell is? Yeah, of course. Yeah, so he was like, as bad as it sounds.

He was like my idol at the time. Like before games, I was watching Johnny Mansell highlights. Like, he was my idol, but with like, along with that came the partying and stuff. So I would show up to games hungover or still drunk or high or I was just showing up just, I wasn't my, I wasn't giving my full potential and I was still good. still have records there still was really good but I was just messing around. My dad was going through like cancer treatments too when I was starting there. So I just had like football wasn't my main focus. My main focus was like not feeling the way I normally felt.

So I was just like drinking, smoking. And then when I was on the field, nothing mattered. So it was like I drink when I'm off the field. And then when I got on the field, I was clear headed just football. And then once I got off, it was like, oh, here I go again, thinking about all the shit that's going on. Now, just drink and smoke. Did you meet kids that had similar, you know, thoughts and issues as you? Or did you kind of feel like a loner?

Oh, in school, I was a complete loner. There was no one really like me. There was maybe like one or two people that were like me. And I gravitate. I'm still friends with them to this day that had similar problems with their father and their family not being normal. but for the most part everything around me everyone's family was like a normal family mom and dad together

money like all of that that's what I was around but I felt like I was the odd one out if that makes sense yeah it makes it hard definitely if you feel like kind of like the loner yeah so I just I went to the Johnny Mansell lifestyle I would just drink and smoke I thought it was

awesome I thought it was a man and then it's like nope all yeah like if I if I paid attention in school and truly did my work I could have went and I'm not big so I wouldn't have went D1. That was a crazy dream. I could have gone D3 and that would have been cool just to be able to play at another level. But I just couldn't do school man. I was coming in drunk high just like acting like an idiot. I was going through my parents put me through DCF when I was a freshman in high school. Like the protective services? Yeah. Yeah my stepdad tried to I don't want to I'm

not going to badmelt him because everything they did was correct. My step mom or my stepfather and my real mom Everything they did was correct. I was probably a little out of control, like sneaking out and doing certain things, but they put me in the court system as a freshman. And they tried to have me sent away as a freshman. They said I was setting fires. That was never a thing. That was never a thing.

I was like a freshman, like playing with a lighter. Like I just got a lighter as a freshman. I'm like lighting it like this. Never put anything like the flame to anything. And my stepdad, like, told that to the judge, wanted me to get sent away. I was literally not doing. I was just acting like a kid. And the judge laughed at him was like,

I'm not going to put your kid away for the stuff that you're saying he's doing. But either way, I was in the court system, my whole high school life. And that made me like, it made me have like a weird mindset. It made me think I'm almost like,

I don't want to say like thug-ish, but like in the system. And it makes me like act that way, if that makes sense as a freshman when I didn't think no one around me was doing that. It was just me in the court system. I'd have to have it. my DCF officer come every week to talk to me.

And it's like I didn't feel like I needed that at the time. But whole high school was DCF, DCF, and then I ended up as a senior. I was smoking weed and my room smelled like weed and my stepdad came up. And he kind of cornered me in my room. And he has every right to do so. It's his home. If he doesn't want weed in there, there shouldn't be weed in there. It's simple as that.

and I broke that rule but he walked he like kind of put his chest into me and like cornered me and something snapped I don't know you don't really I don't like being cornered so I punched him

and he fell he called the police and I got arrested as a senior and he charged he pressed charges on me for assault and battery on a family member so all

all football aspirations are out the window there wait why would he press charges yeah I know I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't shy the answer for that because that put me down a really downward spiral of like this that this

that and it just kept going even my um my defensive coordinator was the um resource officer at the school so my de-coordinated for football and he was one of the officers that came in my house i was in handcuffs and my stepdad was talking shit was running his mouth and i was just in handcuffs and like what do you do it man you don't do that to your own kid and the defensive coordinator like was barking at him yelling back for my behalf was like why are you talking like what is going on here but yeah he pressed charges i went to um they sent me to a foster home for two weeks my my little uh roommate in the foster home is this little um Spanish kid he was in there for stabbing his like his other roommate so my roommate there was in there for stabbing a kid and I was in

there because I hit my stepdad from I like I got cornered hit my stepdad from I like I got cornered hit my stepdad. He pressed charges. I got sent there. That kid was there for stabbing a kid. So I'm sitting there like, what the, what's going on? Like, I don't think I deserve to be here. Went there for two weeks. Went to like Spanish church every day. It was the weirdest thing. Like, I don't, I don't know any Spanish, so I'm just sitting in there and I don't know anything, what anyone's saying. I just feel like a absolute odd ball. Then I got sent after that, sent to rehab for a couple weeks. and then I got out of that and then everything

I thought about school, football, college, everything was out the window because that was my senior year. So once that happened, I had no way of getting that back. You know what I mean? Because I didn't have good grades. So even if I could maybe sneak on a school

and do something and like pick up those grades, that would be one thing, but now I have a charge of assault battery on a family member. So it's like, now I'm really screwed. Where was your mom? mom when this happened. She was there. What's going on with her? She's more of a, um, it's his household.

So what he says goes. So that was, that was it. But even with the charging, she couldn't talk him down or anything? No, I was, I was in the court and I was talking to like the, um, self-appoint or the, whatever it is, the attorney. Public defender. Public defender that they give you. And I was like, they're not dropping the charges.

Like, aren't I, can I just go home? and they're like, no, they're not dropping the charges. They're pressing charges. I was like, what? I go up in front of the judge, and I was like, there's no way my stepdad would actually press these charges on me. And he was like, yeah, I want to press charges. And then, Judge, all right, he's going to the foster home or whatever.

And I got sent to Leahy in Worcester. Was there for like, it was like a day. And then they found me the home with like the Spanish family. How do you describe your relationship with your stepfather before that happened? Were there flare-ups, were their flare-ups, were their blowouts? What did that look like? Yeah, so before then, it wasn't good.

Because I'm just like a hard-headed, like, I wasn't a good kid. Like, I wasn't a bad kid, but I wasn't the best kid, if that makes sense. And we would have a lot of arguments and stuff. We were never, like, we never had a really good relationship. Our relationship now compared to then is through the roof. Like, me and him are really close now, but before then it wasn't good. and casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination for today's superstars. Catch the Jonas Brothers return to the Yamava Theater stage on April 30th, the powerful vocals of Demi Lovato on May 17th,

and the signature Southern Country Rock of Eric Church on July 19th. Tickets on sale now at yamava Theater.com, only at Yamava Resort and Casino, celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in? Must be 21 to enter. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real? California dairy. It's the real California farm families behind it. Real people. Real care.

Real intention. Why? Because real matters. So whether you're pouring milk, melting cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt. Keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk by real California farm families.

Bonjour, compadre. It's the Rice line negotiator. How do I negotiate so many great travel deals? My greatest gadget. The Priceline app. It's got hotel deals, flight deals, rental car deals, all of those deals in a bundle. Deals.

Game Day deals. Concertrip deals. No one deals more deals than Priceline. Hold your horses. There's more. The app lets you filter hotels by neighborhood, vibe, star level, and amenities like pools and spas and beach fronts. Wait, I'm not done. Stop cutting the ice line.

Why do you think you weren't passionate about school? Was it because your parents didn't really push you to be passionate? Or did you have any influences about school? Did you have a bad experience? No, they tried to push me. Like, they told me that school is important. You have to do your work. You have to do this.

But they weren't really, like, on me for it. Like, it wasn't, like, do your homework before you can go do this. Or let me see that your homework's done. And not even, like, that they should have been doing that. I should have been doing it myself. But I didn't really have them biggest push. Like if that makes sense, it was more just focus on football. Focus on football.

And that's what I would do is just focus on football and not school at all. And I just had horrible grades. Besides history. I love history. I'm a big history guy, so I would get good grades in history. But math, couldn't pass math. Nothing else was just, I struggled. And I just didn't put effort in.

It's not like I truly struggled. I just didn't put the effort in at all. Now, when you said you were in the DCF system starting from, you know, freshman year, did that mean they physically removed you from the home? No. What does that mean to be in the system? So I had this DCF officer named Kevin, and he would come every week, and he would just talk to me.

It wasn't like this big thing where I was taken away from the home. They tried to get me taken away. And that's when the judge laughed at my stepdad for saying, like, he wanted me taken away for, like, using a lighter. sneaking out, doing little things that basically every high school kid's doing. And he wanted me taken out of the home, but the judge said no, put this DCF, DCF officer, Kevin, in charge of me or whatever. And he'd come every week, talk to me.

He looked exactly like Kevin Garnett, exactly like Kevin Garnett. And he was a really nice guy, really cool guy, but just like that put in my mind that I was a bad kid because no one around me was dealing with anything that I was dealing with. Do you wish that you got removed from the home back then? No. At that time? No. You don't think it would have changed the outcome?

No, I probably would have been worse if they removed me. Because it was a good home. Like there was no problems with it. It was an amazing household. They're great parents. Everything was good. They just thought I was bad for what I was doing, like sneaking out and doing these little things where it's like a lot of kids are doing these things. Just sneaking out and hanging out with their friends.

I wasn't hanging out and like drinking or like getting high as a freshman. I was just sneaking out and just screwing around. Do you think he just didn't have experience with kids your age? Yes. Was that the biggest problem? Yes, because the way he parents my little brother is different. Which came probably around the same time as you? Or like a, like, he's four years younger.

Four years younger? Yeah. Yeah, and he parents him a lot. So he hadn't experienced high school yet or middle school even for that matter? No. No. It would have been elementary school when this was starting. Yeah.

Now, were you charged as a juvenile or adult? Juvenile. Yeah, I was 17 at the time. So does that mean it's off your record now? It's off my record. Okay. Yeah. It's off my record, but it made no sense to do it at the time. Like, it just put me in worse of a downward spiral.

Like, I was doing fine, senior, graduating. That should have been like the highlight of my life to that point, graduating, hanging out with friends and doing this, but instead I was getting sent away to a foster home and sent away to a rehab because of, at the time, I was smoking weed. Like, I wasn't doing, I wasn't like doing coke or I wasn't doing anything at that time. I'm smoking weed. So, and then they sent me into a rehab as a senior too, and I'm around a bunch of dope heads.

And it's like, I don't, I felt like I didn't deserve to be there. And, but I took it in a positive way at the time. So it's not like, I'm not complaining about it. It wasn't like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't regret that they did that. I probably deserved a little bit of it to maybe chill myself down, but I don't know. High school wasn't.

It should have been better than it was. Do you think you'll always hold that resentment over your stepfather over that? I'm... Because that's not like a moment you could get back. I'm trying, like, I'm trying really hard to just get rid of that. Because that's still, it's still in the back of my mind all the time. Because he didn't need to press the charges. Like, if he wanted to do like a little scare tactic,

fine, but once we get to the court, the court say, no, I'm not going to press charges on him. I don't want him to be arrested and taken away for this. He cornered me. I didn't just go up to him and punch him. Like, he put his chest into me and walked me into a wall, like cornered me into a wall. Then the second my back, like, touched that corner, I just swung. And then just went from there, and he told me he was like, I'm not going to call the police. I'm not going to call him.

I went in the shower, and I got out the shower, and I heard him say Maxwell White Cohen on the phone. I was like, what? I opened the door and he's talking to the police. I was like, oh, there we go. And there's just downward from there. So tell us how that incident directly affected your spiral from there. What happens after that? After that, I got out and I was on mandatory drug tests every month.

So I'd have to go in. They'd call me whenever and I'd have to take a drug test. So I stopped smoking weed because if I failed, I'd get locked up. but if Coke gets out of your system Molly gets out of your system two days a day so instead of smoking weed

when I got out I started doing Coke and Molly because I knew I could get it out in a day two days out of my system so now I'm just doing Coke and Molly and drinking instead of smoking weed that just went downhill like that was not a way to live at all

then I was doing that for a while and then I ended up getting out of the like I turned I think it was when I was 21. It ended. It was either 18 or 21. I forget which one exactly. But that's when my dad got diagnosed

with the brain tumor, and that made me pick up Xanax and Larazepam and get rid of the Coke and Molly because those are uppers, so I wanted to just numb myself, so I picked up the Xanaxes and the Larazepam's. And then that's when it really got down. That's when it really went downhill.

So what in your mind specifically made you want to try those drugs? Do you have friends that were doing them? Or did you know about them? Yeah, and it was all around me. It was all around me. I had a ton of friends that were doing Xanax's, a ton of friends. And then I tried one. And then it was like, okay.

Because I have, like, I have bad anxiety, too. I took this one time when we were in our, like, Molly phase. So bad. My friends wanted to get some. And we drove out to Lemonster. and we got some, and it was purple. And I know a real, like, Molly looks like, and I looked at it.

I told them all, I begged them, no, we can't do this. This is purple. No, let's take it. We're fine. We're fine. So they all take it, and I'm like, well, I can't let them take it, and I'm not going to take it. So I took some, and it was meth.

We were up for like two or three days. I pierced this part of my ear. We were all absolutely messed up. and we went to a Walmart at like seven in the morning on that stuff and a family, a mom covered her daughter's eyes. She was like a four-year-old daughter. Covered her daughter's eyes because we had spray paint in our hair, like random piercings. We just horrible, seven in the morning off actual meth. And she covered her daughter's eyes and said, don't look at them, honey.

And from that day, every time I go into a store, crazy anxiety, crazy social anxiety. Never had anxiety all throughout high school was the most like social person, no anxiety. And from that day, going anywhere. Crazy social anxiety from that one moment. And that's why I like, I try to tell my friends not to do it anymore. There's no point because if that happens, now you're screwed forever. Like, I'm still trying to figure out how to combat the anxiety that I have from what I think is that one trip. And it just, it wasn't good.

So I feel like that one Mali meth time is what, like, induced this anxiety for a long time. Now, were you trying to escape the sadness that came with the news of your dad as well with your drug use? Yeah, I just didn't want to feel. I just didn't want to feel anything, really, like at all. Then once I got, once I found the Xanaxes and the larazepambs, I got prescribed larazepam's from my doctor. So I was getting prescription, Larazapams while buying Xanaxes from like street dealers. And I was just eating them and eating them. And the last time that I saw my dad, he was in hospice and I don't remember any of it.

Don't remember anything of it. I had like, I was eating pills, just eating them. The last time I saw my father, I will never remember because I was so messed up on pills, so messed up. He ends up dying. the next father's day after he dies, I say I'm done with pills. I got to quit pills. It's Father's Day.

I got to quit it for him. He wouldn't want to see me doped up, zomboated up. So it's Father's Day. And me and my buddy that also lost his father. We set off fireworks for Father's Day in honor of our dads. We're setting off fireworks in the middle of the street, downtown Uxbridge.

At like 10 p.m. cops come. And this is my first day off pills in years. and if you know anything about Xanaxes and stuff if you, they're one of the hardest things that quit because it can actually really kill you and the cops came because of the fireworks but I got so nervous I seized up we ran, I jumped in my friend's room

and I had a full-blown seizure smashed my head on his like metal bed frame seized up from no Xanax's and he ended up having to run out the house and get the cops that were looking for us to come inside and help me sent to the hospital hospital almost died from quitting the Xanax's told them and then they're like yeah you're really not

supposed to quit it cold turkey like that i was like what the fuck i didn't know like i don't like i didn't know that and then i haven't taken a pill since that day though now were you working during these days of addiction so do you have a job like what did that time period between you know 22 and and graduating high school or leaving high school look like yeah so um do you remember during covid when they were paying like $500 a month or $500 a week rather. As a bonus, there was like $600 or something. Yeah, something like that. So I was getting, I was getting all those checks.

So I would take those checks, buy drugs, not work, and just get messed up all day, every day. Like I truly don't remember like two years in my life. Like whenever my friends ask me about certain like stories, I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't remember a full two years of my life because of that. Where were you living? I was living with my girlfriend at the time. I was living with my girlfriend at the time. She was your age?

She's four years older than me. Okay, so she had her life established and whatnot. Had her life established. She had an apartment in Rhode Island. I actually, when my dad was really down bad, I was all messed up on pills and drinking too. So drinking liquor with Xanax is a horrible combo. combo and I would just fight I was mad at the world like I was just mad got in an

argument with my girlfriend she kicks me out I'm leaving the apartment I grabbed this glass table and I just throw it who knows why I just threw this glass table shattered it and then ran got in my car and left ended up getting charged with vandalism and all that and that's that's a whole other story got charged with vandalism for that didn't pay the fine ended up working, I resaned hardwood floors too. I was in a house, uh, re-sanding a hardwood floor and the homeowner accused me and my coworker of stealing. It was like $2,000 worth of $2 bills from her closet, accused us of stealing it while we're working in her home. And I was like, why would we ever, I would never steal anything from anybody. And I'm definitely not someone like,

I'm in your home. Like, what are you talking about? She's like, nope, you guys stole. So she called, She called the police and then a agent, some agent called us. Come down here, we need a statement. And oh, by the way, Maxwell, you have a warrant for your arrest for not paying a fine, that fine for breaking the glass table. I tell him, I was like, yeah, I was like bullshit. I was like, I paid that. I thought I did. I was like bullshit, that's just like some scare tactic.

Fuck you. Blah, blah. I end up going in there to give my statement with my other coworker. And they took me first and then they put me in handcuffs. They were like, you're under arrest for the warrant out of whatever Rhode Island for not paying the fine. I was like, are you serious? And then they looked at me. And then they're like, so, was it your co-worker that took the money?

They're like, we could let you go. They said they would let me go if I gave up my coworker for taking the money. I just looked at it. I was like, none of us took the fucking money. I was like, you guys are crazy. I was like, why do you ever take any money from a home we're working in? And they're like, okay, then you're going downstairs. I was like, okay, send me downstairs.

And then I just got processed and booked for that stupid stuff. That was a whole different thing. Yeah, there's some weird stories, just like weird little stories like that. Now, was your girlfriend aware of your using? Yeah. Was she a user, an addict? Yeah. So do you feel like she kind of condoned it and enabled it?

There was really, I've talked about this with her and my friends too. There was like no stopping what was going on. Like even if she said, no, don't do this. I was going to say, screw you. I'm going to do this anyways. There was really no, like, condoning or pushing me or no one was telling me no, but if someone told me no, I was going to say, F off.

Was she doing the same drugs as you, some kind? Yeah, not as much. She wasn't doing as many as I was because she wasn't going to do anything besides dealing with me. Like, besides dealing with my ass at the time. And it just wasn't good. I couldn't function without him. just eating every eating them every single day. What do you think would have been a better coping mechanism to dealing with that trauma you're going through with your father?

Going to actual therapy and actually talking about your feelings. That would actually help because I, this is and still like, I'm still working on that. Like, I'm still working on that. I'm waitlisted for like multiple therapists. Just talking to you right now feels awesome. Feels good to get shit off my chest. I still haven't talked to many people about it. But I know it does help. Just this helps. Just me talking to like a therapist over the phone to try to get off a wait list helps. Just simple stuff like that.

Instead of keeping it all in, I just keep it all in. Keep it all in, eat drugs and drink and then explode. Because like I try to keep it all in and then one little thing would set me off. Then I'd explode. USAA knows dynamic duos can save the day like superheroes and sidekicks or auto and home insurance. With USAA, you can bundle your auto and home and Save up to 10%. Tap the banner to learn more and get a quote at usaa.com slash bundle.

Restrictions apply. You're great at protecting your data, but lots of places could still expose you to identity theft. I thought it was safe. If that happens, LifeLock gives you a U.S.-based restoration agent who will stick by your side from start to finish. Phone calls, filing documentation, preparing insurance claims, your agent handles it all.

In fact, we're so confident restoration is guaranteed. Pour your money back. Isn't it nice to have someone like that on your side? Save up to 30% your first year at lifelock.com slash podcast. Terms apply. My name's McKenzie and I started to go fund me for the adoptive mother of a nonverbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills.

So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed. We had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was struggling with. GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform trusted by over 200 million people.

Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com. That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. This podcast is supported by Gofundme. Bring us through like an average day, like from the time you woke up to what you were doing and whatnot. So I'll give you this day, the tattoo day. I got arrested this day.

So this is when he was, this was right after he died. Your dad? Yeah, right after my dad died. And so do you know, know Derek Rose sounds really basketball player

yes yes yes so he has this tattoo but it says Godspeed too with it but my dad love Derek Rose love Derek Rose Derek Rose

tore his ACL a bunch of times but he's still baller my dad loved him so one day so I wake up this is it I wake up I take

so I'm prescribed the Larazapams but I'm also buying Xanax is off my dealer so I wake up eat one Larazapam eat one Xanax

that's how I wake up and then I decide, you know what, I'm going to get a throat tattoo today. F it. Screw it. I'm going to get a throat tattoo. I just look up throat tattoos on Google. I come across Derek Rose and I'm like, you know what? That makes sense. My dad loves them. I love this tattoo. I'm going to get it. So I just, I'd start drinking. It's normally beer, Titos, one of the two, not good. Or nips. I was heavy into nips too. Would get drunk with the Xanax high. I went into the tattoo part. drink in the tattoo parlor. I have a bunch of tattoos. Not the best artist in the world,

but I got a bunch, but he'd let me just drink in there and just get really messed up. So, just drank a ton of liquor, popped a couple more Xanaxes and Larazepam's probably. So I'd probably take like two Larazapambs and like one and a half Xanax a day. Not a crazy like four or five a day but I was eating like probably like three or four a day. And just drinking liquor, I get tattooed. just I'm super messed up just drunk as hell and then I leave and for some reason

I leave and I'm so drunk I'm pulling into a gas station and I like almost drove into propane tanks like the propane tanks outside of gas stations and like the like grit type like the metal you know what I'm trying to say like those big propane tanks

yes yes the cage yeah in the cage in the cage and it was snowing though at the time but I like almost drove into them like through them and like I don't know if it was like something like me you know what I'm trying to say like I don't know if it was me trying to blow it up or if it was like I was just really drunk because I really was really drunk off a bunch of pills too but it was snowing I stopped the car but I slid and slammed into the cement like little barriers in front of the little parking spot and the propane tanks hit the barrier

got out, my car was smoking, and I have this new, just terrible throat ink. Mind you, I regret every part of this tattoo. I regret it so much, man, so much. But either way, I crash into that thing, I hop out with this fresh ink on my neck, and I look at it, and my car is smoking, and I'm looking around, and everyone's, like, looking at me. And I was like, oh, fuck, get in my car, and I try to pull out. I pull out, and I, like, get up the street a little,

and I try to turn into my buddy's driveway that lives right there. And it's like on a hill like this, I pull in. And right as I'm pulling in, the cop passes me and sees my smoking cars. I'm pulling in. He has his lights on. He's coming after me. He pulls in behind me. You drinking tonight?

No. My car is just smoking. And I'm just, I have this terrible wet ink on my throat, like my shirt's bloody from the tattooing. He's like, you haven't been drinking. He's like, I smell the liquor on you. I was like, no. And then he's like, you want to blow? No.

I'm not going to blow in that. And then he just, he brought me to jail that day and tried to charge me with a DUI. I ended up beating it. How did you beat it? He never performed any field sobriety test, like nothing. Even like he didn't have me walk one foot in front of the other because it was snowing. And it was on a like a slant like this at the time. And what the judge said was like, well, you could have done it in the jail cell, like in the cell.

Like you could have had them do the whatever field to variety test you wanted, but they didn't. Or they could have blood tested you. Or they could have blood tested me for sure. They could have done a lot of things. So as soon as you went to court, did they just release you? Yeah. Or did you have to actually go through the criminal justice process? No, so I bailed out that night.

Like, I had to get bail. And then at my first court date is when they were like, we can't charge him with anything. Like, there was nothing there. They did charge me with reckless driving, I think it was, because I did slide and slam into that pole and then leave, and leaving the scene of an accident I did get, but not the DUI. because the judge said there's no way to prove he was drunk besides slurring his words and being mad.

That's what like the cop said. They're like he was slurring his words in the cop car and he was mad. And it's like that's not like you can't charge me for being drunk because of that. When you see other accidents like in the news from drunk drivers, people under the influence, how does that make you feel and reflect that, you know, that could have been you if you didn't get lucky?

I got lucky a couple times and that's why I don't, I'm done with that shit because there could be, it's just it's messed up it's messed up I have a buddy that died from drunk driving and like I know it's

I know it's really messed up I know it's really messed up and I that was three four years ago so I haven't been doing that and I definitely know I'm lucky that I didn't get charged with that because if I did get charged with that

I probably wouldn't have a license right now but were any of your friends from high school checking in on you like your close friends guys on the football team him kind of, you know, wondering what happened to him. Yeah, so I had I had really good friends, amazing friends.

A lot of good friends I would check up on me and just really good friends. No complaints there at all, man. What about teachers or that school resource officer? The teachers liked me. The teachers like, they liked my personality. They knew me as like a person, so they did like me, but they would try to push, like, they tried to push me. Like, all of them tried to do what they could.

Like, I had this one math teacher, and he was, he's a heart of. ass. He was a real hard ass, but all he wanted from me was to just put in effort and pass the class. And I was like, oh, screw him at the time. This guy, like, and it's like all he wanted to do, looking back on it now that I'm older, it's like all he wanted me to do is put an effort

and pass the damn class. It's all he wanted. But instead I'd sit there, screw him, I'm not going to do this paper. I'm not going to do this homework. Just bad decision after bad decision. But all the teachers were awesome. They all, like, no complaints. They were cool. They tried to push me. I had friends that were checking up on me trying to push me. It was just in my own head. I just, at that time, I didn't even, I've told people this. I didn't want to be living at that time. Like, my dad really was, like, one of my best friends. I loved him. Like, he was awesome. Amazing dude. And then just, it would just be like one thing after the other. Like, I'd be working in Boston. And he'd text me. He'd be like, he's like, when are you coming home? I'm lying on the floor. I haven't lived with him in like four or five years at that time. Like, I'd be, like, I'd be working in, he's just dying, just straight dying, losing his mind from this brain tumor,

and I'm just sitting in Boston, he's, I need help, I need help, I'm laying on the floor, I can't do anything, I'm in Boston. And it'd just be that, like, day after day of him texting me these things that just, that just slowly screw your brain up over time. Like, it's one thing if it's once or twice, but, like, when every day you're dealing with your dad needing you when you can't help him, when he doesn't even know where he is. Like, he was just lost. the tumor like ate his brain and he was just not the same person like the other day when

looked at all the pictures of him when he was like actually dying and i don't remember any of those pictures i was so messed up on pills i didn't even know he looked that bad looked awful and it's like i do wish that i wasn't messed up i just wish i had those final couple months where i was like sober clearheaded just remember all of it like every conversation i don't i don't remember a single conversation. And that sucks. That really fucking sucks. Yeah, time is something we can never get back. Never get back and never get back. And that's what I'm trying to, I just try to put that into my everyday life. Like, you can't get it back. It's impossible too. I'd do anything to get some time back, even like a day or some shit would do anything, but you can't. That's got to be a very heavy burden

to live with knowing that like your addiction ate up. Yeah. His last years of your, of his life. Yep, because I wanted to be selfish and I wanted to be numb, didn't want to feel it, didn't want to know what was happening. And it's one of the biggest regrets I have because now I don't fucking remember anything when he was sick at all. And some people might say, oh, that's a good thing you don't remember, but not fucking sucks. Because I still want to know what he was like for that final year, two years. I was so messed up. I don't remember any conversation. Nothing.

No text, no calls. Like, nothing. Where was your mom and stepdad during your addiction? Like after that incident happened with him, are they in communication with you? Do you guys have any relationship? Yeah, me and one of my closest buddies now, actually, they were always in communication with him. He was always looking out for me because he knew his mom has like a little bit of an addiction issue. And he, so he's seen it.

And he was like one of my best friends since like fifth grades. But I lost communication with him once I started doing drugs because he's not that kind of kid. So he like kind of separated himself from me But he was still trying to text me every single day Like you good you good I'd ignore him I'd ignore him He'd text my mom and they were just like It felt like at the time

I thought they were teaming up on me So I was like all um I was all like mad about it I was like stop texting my mom Like stop doing this mind your own business But all he was doing was being like an amazing friend And just texting my mom asking if I was okay And I was just I was holding like

a resentment towards him for that, which is mind-boggling because all he was doing is trying to be an awesome friend. And I was just pissed at the time. Stop texting my mom. Stop texting my mom. But they were there. My mom was there. They wanted me to stop. But there was no stopping me at that time. Like I didn't even want to live at that time. Like when my, truly, when my dad was dying, I was just eating the pills and drinking. I just, I was waiting for the day that I just took a little bit too much and it was over. And it never happened. And I'm thankful to everything that that didn't happen because I almost died that one time from the seizure night. I took, I'm allergic to Prozac and I got prescribed Prozac one time.

I took it and I, have you ever heard of dystonia? No, what's that? It's like when every muscle in your body like tightens. So it's like almost like your body goes like this, like into a ball and your tongue like, so your tongue sticks out your mouth and you can't control it. So my tongue hanging out my mouth and your mouth like you can't close it. So it's permanently like it's permanently stuck open and all your body's like this and then you stop you like basically stop breathing got sent to the hospital for that one time and they were like yeah if you didn't come soon you were going to die. I was like what the hell and it's just a bunch of little things of almost dying but not dying to now I will never go around that shit again.

gonna touch any of that stuff again. It's been years since I touched it, but it's like, I want people to know that it's like, it's not a joke at all. Like, that shit will kill you. A hundred percent will. And the stuff nowadays is all faked anyways. Like, it's all pressed with bullshit. And even if it's not and you are getting prescribed laurazepammed, it's not a good thing to be on every day at all. Do you feel like your stepdad takes any, uh, or feels any guilt for kind of putting you on that path of addiction? I think he does. I think, he does. I think, think he does. He's the greatest stepdad though. Like I he's amazing. He's an amazing dude. Like I talk to him all the time. I don't regret or I don't, I don't have any resentment towards him

for what he did. But I know that I feel like he does a little bit because of I didn't have to, I didn't deserve to go through all that shit for what happened. Like I really shouldn't have been through all that. But he either way, he's still an amazing stepdad. Like really good dude. Amazing husband to my mom because my mom can't work and she's super sick. She's in the hospital every other week. So sick. My brother has a brain tumor. It's like so much shit is going on, but he's always just, he's always level-headed for the most part and just stick, he sticks to it and he's just straightforward at all times. So what he did, it was my fall. I shouldn't add weed in the house. And it was probably my fault for punching him too. I probably shouldn't have done that. But

it is what it is now. You were young. Yeah. You made a mistake. Yeah. And it altered a couple years of your life. Yeah. It could always be worse.

Always be a lot. Think you know where to go for Happy Hour? Think again. Vinihana's 369 Happy Hour offers $6 pan-fried geosa dumplings, $9 specialty sushi rolls, and signature cocktails like the Benihana Punch, mohitos, and more. It's unexpected. It's delicious.

And it's perfect for meeting up with friends. Happy Hour done differently. Benihana.com. That's benihana.com. Tires matter. They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road. Tread confidently with new tires from tire rack. Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, tire rack makes it easy. Fast free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of general tires. Go to Tirerack.com to see their general tire test results,

tire ratings, and reviews, and be sure to check out all the special offers. Tirerack.com, the way tire buying should be. One way to look at it. A lot worse. Now, bring us through your journey of, you know, getting sober, that moment you were sharing with us before, about that last day you had pills for the first time,

but tell us some moments after that and what that journey look like. Yeah, so basically when I tried to quit on that Father's Day and I seized up, they told me you can't quit Cold Turkey. Like you got to slowly wean off it So I did that I take like It was like one It honestly took me like four days probably

You take one larazepam You take a half You take a half You take a quarter Then you're good Haven't taken any pills since then Which I'm grateful for I'm still

I still need to stop Certain things I still like I shouldn't be drinking On the weekends I shouldn't be Like I really shouldn't drink at all But I am

So there's still things I do need to quit But pill-wise, I haven't done one since that day because I know what it's going to do. If I take one, I'm going to take another, and then I'm going to take another, and then it's just a downhill, and I have a baby now too. I can't do that with a baby.

Is that with the same girl from back then? Yeah. Is she clean now, too? Yeah. What was her process to getting clean? She didn't really have one. She just got clean. She wasn't taking them for a reason.

It was recreational. So once she was like, all right, I can, I'm done with them. She just quit him. She wasn't taking them like I was. I was eating them and eating them. She would just be like, oh, I'll take a Zanx today. It wasn't an everyday thing for her because she was still working at the time. I was the bum that was doing nothing. Just sitting there collecting checks from the government. She was still doing her sales so she couldn't be zombieed out all day. So she just, it was more or less she had to quit just because I was quitting. Why do you think your moment of wanting to quit came, you know, a year after your father's death, like when Father's Day was, and not the moment he died? Like, why don't you think that wasn't a breaking point enough to get you to quit? Because I couldn't really, I didn't know how to deal with the death. Like, we had no funeral.

There was no any sort of ceremony or anything. Like, there was just nothing. So it's like the day he died, I got a text. Which I don't understand why I got this text, but someone that was with him said he was getting the death rattle. It's over. That's how I found out that he was dead. He's getting the death rattle. I said, what the fuck is the death rattle?

I'm looking up on Google, what's the death rattle? And now I'm picturing my dad doing the death rattle. And I'm like, uh, what the, like, I don't know. I didn't know how to cope with it at all. Didn't talk to anybody about it. So I just kept getting messed up. There was no, I don't know how to deal with it. at all. I would just, I just kept going. It just took probably a year for me to just be like,

this is, because I was doing like bad shit. I was doing shit that I shouldn't have been doing all because of the pills. So then finally I just got tired of it. Some people don't get tired of it and they can just keep going. They just say whatever. But for me, it was like, I'm done feeling like this. I'm just, I'm sick of it. And once that fathers, they hit. It was like, I'm done. Now, if the COVID money wasn't happening, if COVID wasn't a thing, there wasn't all those benefits. Do you think you would have resorted to like a legal activity to get it or do you think you just never would have done it? No, I probably. So I was a, I refinished Hardwood Floors. So I was doing that before COVID too. And I was doing it at the beginning of COVID. I could have stayed doing

it too. Like I have co-workers that made good money during COVID. Everyone stopped with them. So I could have just kept going. But once I realized it was like, oh, you can get paid like $600 to not do anything. I was getting paid like $500 to bust my ass all week, sanding floors. So I was like, I'm just going to quit and just collect checks. I'd collect the check and then I'd get the check and I'd go buy an ounce of weed and I go buy like 100 Xanaxes and I call it a day. And I was doing nothing productive with the money either. Like it's not like this is going into a stock or this is getting invested right to drugs. How does it feel now to be able that, you know, keep your paycheck, pay your bills? Oh, it's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome. Such a

different feeling being able to and I screwed up my credit during that time too had no idea what credit was like I was never like nothing about credit my dad never had a credit card my stepdad doesn't have a credit card and I didn't know anything about credit so I was putting like I was putting the cable bill on a new credit card that I got because I had just brand new credit and I just tanked my credit I screwed up my life bad during those like three years from credit money drugs everything yeah that's one thing I'll always be grateful for it with my situation is it never affected my credit. I only had like one $500 prepay card that I didn't pay before prison. So when I got out, I just, yeah, I paid it off. And that was it. Yeah, that's how you do it, man. That's my, that's probably my biggest regret is

the credit, because I'm still working on it. You need credit. That's a lot of struggle for a lot of people that are getting out or maxing it out. And I've met so many people that have just abuse it. You know, they don't care. They look it as free money. Yep. So I pay my cards. full, I use it to my advantage, you know, the points, the rewards, the cashback, all of that. So I treat it, but I'm so grateful because you need it for the corporate apartments. You need it for all this equipment to finance everything. Yeah. And that's why, like, my goal is to build my credit so I can have a high enough credit score

to go into a bank and say, give me a loan for this to open my, I want to open a flooring business, but I can't go in with my credit score and be like, hey, can I have a certain amount to look for a loan, they're going to look at me and laugh and say, buddy, like, what the is this? Yeah. So I'm just working my ass off on my credit right now, just working every day. Yeah, it goes a long way. I mean, I worked so hard when I was at Whole Foods to build back my credit, and then I blew it all up when I, you know, I'm paid the minimums, but I maxed them all out to start this. And I just know that feeling of being drowning in credit card. I was paying like a thousand bucks every month. That's just for the interest across all those cards. It's crazy.

You could really get yourself into a really scary hole. It's like an addiction. It can screw you. Like it can really ruin your life basically like. Yeah, you could drown on it. And especially if you miss payments and stuff. So now I treat it very clean and professionally. That was a big thing of mine.

I was missing payments like crazy when I was messed up because I just didn't care. It's like I could, hey, I could put this 75 bucks towards my car payment or I could put this 75 bucks towards drugs. And at that time, I didn't give a damn about my car payment. what's going to happen if I don't pay my car payment? Nothing's going to happen. And here I am, my credit's tanked. And it's like, oh, okay, that's what's going to happen. I don't even know that missing payments on your car would screw your credit.

Yeah, yeah. Had no idea. Yeah, I missed a few of those back of the day. I didn't care. I was an asshole. Didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I was like, whatever, man.

How did you fight some of the temptations to use pills when you were getting off? That's a good question. Because I'm sure there was some. And also, like, the second question of that is how do you still fight those? off now while still actively using alcohol? For that answer, my baby, I can't do it again because of my daughter. Like, so before I had my daughter, it was more of, I knew what it led to. Like, I was getting arrested all the time and I was blowing up and doing things.

I'm not a bad person. I know who I am. Like, I know who I am inside. And the person I am on pills is not me. I'm not a good person when I'm on pills. that's all that kept me from Like that's what kept me from doing them I didn't want to be like that

My friends obviously they liked me still But they knew I was a piece of shit when I was on pills Like I'd fight my friends and they'd have to knock me out Like and I didn't care I was just an asshole And it was but now it's I know I can't Cause my baby There's no way in how I can go back and start taking them

Are you worried about her mother Your girlfriend using pill again in anyways? No just because she like it was really just recreational and like if you're using something recreational in my opinion how I am I can stop that whenever I need to if it's recreational but I was doing that at the time

to numb everything like I needed them to just not feel anything she was just taking them for fun it was fun to just take a Xanax and eat some food and watch a movie for her I was taking them because I didn't want to feel how the fuck I was feeling at all how do you feel these days what kind of goes through your mind,

low to your general temperature on a day-to-day basis? What keeps you going? Yeah, so I just try to be the nicest person I can because I know what people have been through and some people don't really understand that. Like, I will never talk bad about you unless you talk bad about me. Like, you know what I'm trying to say? Like, I'm a really, really, really nice person.

But if you're going to try to take advantage of that, then I'm going to call you out. I'm going to say something about that. it's more of just I'm more just level-headed until I'm trying to work on my anger like I'm really trying to that's my one thing that I do

have a problem with. Get into boxing dude I've been thinking of it man but I've been trying to find a spot around me like in Uxbridge there's not like a whole lot going on yeah I go boxing three times a week man that helps you a lot yeah I mean I don't necessarily have anger issues but it helps clear your head do my workouts. I hate not starting a day without a workout. You do it in the morning?

Yeah, I used to not be a morning person. So I was a morning person at Whole Foods, you know, because you had to wake up early. Then when I started this, it was like wake up whenever, you know, nine or ten, go to the gym in the afternoon, go the gym in the morning. Now I'm very strict. Got to be in bed at a certain time. Wake up, same time, you know, 6.30-ish. And then in the gym at seven, six days a week. I might have to start going on that little schedule. It goes a big, big way. I'm sure you wake up early in your line of work now, right? Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm a custodian at night, and then I refinish hardwood floors during the day, not every day, because the 16 hour day shifts with flooring sucks because I'm sore, I'm really sore from it. But for the most part, I'm up early anyways because of the baby. Like no matter what, I'm up. But I know that back in the day, football helped me keep that anger away hitting every day. I was a quarterback, but I'd still run you over. Like, I'm not going to run out of bounds.

Like, I'm going to still lower my head and take a little bit of anger out. I think boxing would be a really good, a really good thing for me. I've tried to have me and my friends go. I just, I got to get my anxiety down too. Like, I definitely, it's my anxiety and my anger that I'm trying to work, I'm trying to work on. I'm waitlisted for a couple therapists and stuff. Go to better help, you know? I've tried, but it's just 100 bucks a week.

$120 a week. Yeah. I know there's that we have, but we had them as a sponsor before. There's like a 10% discount, but that only brings it down to 90. Yeah. But I'm sure there's some type of free service, like, you know, as a trial or something or, you know. I should definitely look into it because I have great insurance from the schools. So like that's why I thought I could just.

Oh, there should be something then that covers that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I thought so too. And I went, I took like two days to do it. I'm on like four or five wait lists just waiting to hear back. Well, hopefully that works out. Thank you. Do you feel guilty when you use alcohol now?

Because I know it like in addiction like a little bit. Yeah. There is that thought of, you know, like, okay, if you're a crack addict, you shouldn't be doing this type of drug even though you were never addicted to that. So do you feel guilty with that? Even though that might not have been your issue before? No, it's a, I know what you mean. I feel more. So yeah, no, I feel a little guilty and I feel more dirty.

Like if that makes sense, I don't. So when I. drink, it's more to like kill my anxiety. Like if I'm around a bunch of people, I can't be around a bunch of people like just sober and just sitting there. Like I have a lot of trouble with heart races, like at insane anxiety, like a little bit of shakes and stuff. So I'll drink like at parties and around a bunch of people and stuff. And then the next day, I'm just like, what the f I don't want to, I don't want to drink. I don't like drinking. I don't like being drunk. But when I am drunk, I enjoy it. If that makes sense. And it's just such a stupid mindset because I, I,

I do feel a little guilty from it, but it's not like drinking whatever lead to me taking pills. Yeah, I mean, I don't really like drinking either. Like, I do it socially, you know, it's a fun time. You go out, you're with their girl or something, you know, you have to drink. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's fun, you know. Like, I always toy with, okay, I'm not drink ever again, but it is fun. And I'm a lightweight, so I'm like two drinks in, you know, and I'm done.

Me too. Now it's more like, okay, do I have anything I have to do the next day? You know, I got to take a casual. Priorities and stuff. Exactly priorities and everything like that goes a long way. Yeah, 100%. I was bad with that a couple years ago. Like if I had work, I wouldn't care.

Drinking, I'll drink on a Monday night if I have to go into work and I feel like shit. I'm finally over that stage. If I have worked the next day, I'm not drinking. Like, I can't wake up and feel like shit every day. That got old really quickly. And I get like really hungover. I feel like compared to some people like, some of my friends don't even get hungover. Like, they just drink a ton.

They wake up and they're fine. just like, I'm dying. Like, I have the worst anxiety. I'm shaking. I don't want to be around anybody just from drinking like five, six beers. Just, I don't know, man. Now, if your child ends up, God forbid, having an addiction issue, how will you deal with that? That's a good question.

I just sit her down and I just tell her my story about what happened because I just, she's not going to have to knock on wood, but she's not going to ever have to go through what I went through. she's going to have an amazing life, an amazing childhood. Everything is going to be perfect in a perfect world. You know what I mean? So hopefully she never gets there. But if she does, sit her down, tell her my story of what happened, why she can't do what she's doing. And if she continues to do what she's doing,

then I'll send her to her rehab 100%. If she's really into it, then yeah, if that's what's going to be best for her, then I'll 100% put her in her rehab. Make her watch this interview. You already do that, yeah, for sure. I mean, lived experience is what, you know, really changes lives, sharing people's stories, getting it out there. I mean, you said earlier, just sitting down having this conversation helps you.

So much, man. Helps a ton. Yeah, people, and I know you were telling my brother this over email, like you felt like your story was in lines up with some of the other crazier stories. And sometimes I'll see people commenting on some of the like, not as crazy stories. And they'll be like, why is this guy on here? It's a prison show. And like, it's not just prison. And it's open to anyone that wants to share because it doesn't necessarily matter about the views.

What matters is that the person who reached out and took that, because it's a scary thing to reach out and be rejected. I don't want to do that to anyone, you know? Like, I want them to feel the option of being able to get their voice out because a lot of these stories go unheard, you know. So that's the importance of it. That's why it matters. That's why we take everyone. As long as it has some type of element of criminal jobs. or addiction, you know? Like, I've got some wacky requests, which I got to politely decline.

Yeah, but it just has nothing to do with addiction or this or that. You know, it's like, it's something that crazy that happened at work or anything. It's like, that's not my show. You know, there's something else there. But if I could stretch it a little bit, I will just so that person tells their story. Yeah, that's what I was nervous, man. And you killed it. You were, you did great today. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. Once you got going, it's my job to warm the person up. I started to feel like, yeah, at first I was definitely a little like shaky and nervous, but then it's just starting to feel like we're just talking, just having a conversation. And bro, I get like that too in big spots and like I don't like being in big crowds and I get anxious.

And then, you know, I start to shut down. It's just not me, you know? I like to do this. Like, this is where I'm kind of in control and I do the public speaking, but it's nerve-wracking as hell to get up there. Yeah. You've got to just push through. Yeah, dude. I was like this is, if you ask any of my friends, I'm the most anxious, dude.

I hate crowds. I don't even go out. I don't go to bars. I don't do anything. Like, I don't even like having people at my house. I just want to be alone most of the time. So doing this, like, they're like, dude, you got to step out of your comfort zone. Like, you got to, you have to do it.

I'm glad they pushed you. Dude, me too, because I was just nervous. I just nervous, nervous anxiety. And then I was like, you know what? They're all right. And then you text, you emailed me back. And I was like, all right, you know what? Yeah.

I want to meet you too. I was like, you know, and you got some edibles out of it. Yeah, that's true. That's true. So it worked out. Yeah, man. So what would you say is the biggest takeaway you want people to learn from your story today? That, no matter what you're going through, it's going to end.

Like, you're not forever going to be feeling the way you're feeling. Like, I thought for a good year, two years, I didn't want to be alive at all. I thought there was no future. I got my whole body tatted up, neck, stomach, legs, everything tattooed because I thought in a couple years, from then, it wouldn't have mattered. I thought I was going to be gone. Who cares if I have tattoos? I don't need a job in five years,

but all those feelings are going to end and don't make decisions that are going to truly permanently do stuff to you and hinder you in your future over some feelings that are happening right then and now. Shit gets better. It's always greener on the other side. Grass is greener on the other side. It's always greener.

And I just, yeah. I love that, man. Yeah. Well, Max, I appreciate you making the drive out here and sit down with me today, man. Appreciate it, dude. You really did good, man. Thank you. You weren't nervous and you did good.

It's good to meet you, man. Yeah, you too. Don't second guess yourself. Thank you. And thanks for supporting the show. Appreciate it, man. Awesome. Until next time.