Locked In with Ian Bick - Inside the Brutal World of an Undercover Narcotics Detective | Matthew Griffin

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Matthew Griffin – Former undercover narcotics detective and author of Journey to Midnight - shares his gripping story of life undercover, battling drug cartels, and the mental toll of law enforcement. From surviving high-stakes operations to confronting his personal struggles with PTSD, divorce, and fatherhood, Matthew opens up about the harsh realities of the job and his path to healing. Don't miss this raw and unfiltered look inside the brutal world of undercover narcotics investigations. #UndercoverDetective #TrueCrime #NarcoticsInvestigation #DrugBust #PoliceStories #CrimeDocumentary #LawEnforcement #realcrimestory Thank you to ORGAIN for sponsoring this episode! For 30% off your order, head to https://Orgain.com/IANBICK and use code IANBICK.   Connect with Matthew Griffin: Buy his book: https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Midnight-undercover-officers-redemption/dp/1736729802 Website: https://authormattgriffin.com/ Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://www.ianbick.com/shop Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 Unexpected Opportunities in Law Enforcement 00:07:31 The Decision to Attend Morristown-Beard 00:15:00 Choosing My Path: A Turning Point in Life 00:23:09 Life as a Navy Sonar Technician 00:30:52 Switching Careers: From Navy to Police Force 00:38:38 Becoming a Police Officer: Early Experiences 00:46:45 Emotional Impact of a Life and Death Moment 00:54:58 Transition Back to Patrol and Opioid Crisis 01:05:00 Coping with Divorce and Catastrophic Failure 01:11:01 Overcoming Negative Thoughts 01:18:47 The Power of Small Acts of Kindness 01:26:23 The Impact of Comparison on Personal Success 01:34:33 Personal Transformation and Connection 01:42:16 Undercover Challenges and Close Calls 01:50:05 Navigating Personal Struggles and Family Dynamics 01:58:13 Finding Strength in Adversity 02:06:35 Holiday Greetings and Well Wishes Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You can also trade on who wins each series, the conference finals, and the championship. San Antonio is currently trading at 22% to win it all, meaning a $100 trade pays out $455 if they take the title. On Kalshi, you're trading against other people in a live market, no house, no odds makers. And as the odds move, you can buy in or out any time throughout the post season. For a limited time, download the Kalshi app and use code hoops to get $10 when you trade $10. KLSHI, Kalshi, Trade on Anything. The NBA playoffs are here, and now you can trade every game on Kalshi. You can also trade on who wins each series, the conference finals, and the championship.

San Antonio is currently trading at 22% to win it all, meaning a $100 trade pays out $455 if they take the title. On Kalshi, you're trading against other people in a live market, no house, no odds makers. And as the odds move, you can buy in or out any time throughout the post season. For a limited time, download the Kalshi app and use code hoops to get $10 when you trade $10. KLSHI, Kalshi, trade on anything. Matt, welcome to Lockton, man. Wow, I can't believe the way we met. Like, I had a guest on who introduces me to another law enforcement,

ex-law enforcement, who wants to come on the show. But it was like, before I come on, you've got to have this guy. And that's exactly right. Tom called me. He's like, have you ever heard of Ian Bick? I said, absolutely, 100% I have. He goes, well, you may or may not be getting a phone call from him. I'm like, come on, Tommy, stop.

And so we talked about a little bit. He's like, oh, yeah, he's like, you know, I really want you to get on that show. oh, you know, because of your message and everything that's happening and everything that's going on and, you know, with your book and your life and everything else because I'm still putting things together with my, his own podcast and everything else. And sure enough, like, you called the next day. And I was like, oh, my gosh. And again, like, I put the phone down. I was like, man, this is just, life has just happened and the way it should happen. So yeah, man, thank you so much for this opportunity. Brother, I really, really, really appreciate it. Yeah, I mean, stories like yours, those are the ones you got to, like, hop on because he gave me the summary and I'm like, wow. And so I have. hop on you right away. And I'm shocked that you literally have not done any, like, major national podcasts. Yeah. I'll tell you, I mean, 2024 has been, was a grind for a year. So like, so the book came out in Thanksgiving Day of 2022. 2020. 23 was a good year. I hit the circuit really hard. End of 23 going into 2024 had some, some trials and some adversity in my life. And then

January of, of 2024, I lost my dad. And I decided that. when I lost my dad that I was just going to take a break from things. I was going to let, let, you know, God happen the way he wanted to happen. I was going to let my life kind of go and really kind of focus on me. So I kind of let go with some social media, let go on LinkedIn and Facebook and Instagram for a little bit, just to kind of focus on life. And it really kind of reset if that makes sense. And again, my dad lived a great life. I mean, he was 86 years old. He had dementia. So, you know, it's a sad thing, but it's not a sad thing if that makes sense. But I got a chance to be with him when he passed. And, you know,

And I just really decided that 2024. I wasn't going to grind so hard on the public speaking circuit. And I was really going to kind of just focus on me and the things that I was dealing with. And it just seems like there was the best decision that I've made. And really just to kind of come back and really make sure that my message, the things that I wanted to say, number one, that I was living them. But also number two, that I felt like I was, a lot of the conferences that I was speaking at, felt like I was leaving people without giving them anything else.

And what I mean by that, like, I would talk about, you know, my darkest days and the things that I went through. But I really wasn't giving everybody the, you know, my tools of success or my keys to happiness or whatever you want to call it. And I really spent the better part of the summer of 2024 going into the fall really kind of honing in what I wanted to say and how I was able to be the person that I am today. And not that, not that the person I am today is anything, you know, great or anything like that. It's just, but I'm alive. and how did I get here from writing my suicide? I know if that makes a little bit of sense. And so I really just took 2024 to be very introspective about my life

and who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish. And so sure enough, man, I get to finish out 2024 with probably the most amazing opportunity in the world being right here, man, sitting here in the studio with you. Man, and you brought me some delicious maple syrup from New Hampshire. Yes, that's going to be official. And you brought me a signed copy of your book. I want you to plug this in at the top of this episode,

the name of it, you know, where people could find it. Yeah, so my book is called The Journey to Midnight, and you can find it on Amazon. If you just Google Journey to Midnight Undercover Cop or The Journey to Midnight, Matt Griffin, that'll pop up. I also have a website called author Matt Griffin.com. And you'll see some of my other speaking engagements, some of the different sizzle reels that I've done and some of the different things about me and my life and the things that I've accomplished. So we'd love to, and I think we were talking a little bit before I just finished up with the screenwriting. So I'm really excited for that. But so far, man, nothing but knows.

But you know what? Every nose one step closer to a yes. So every time somebody says, nah, it's not the right fit. No problem. Because it will be the right fit for somebody. And looking forward to that. Oh, you hear so many knows. I was trying to pursue a book for years and now I finally have an agent.

And that came to me naturally, you know, and any other stuff, the entertainment industry sucks. It's just like, it's slow going. But that's why when you create things and do podcasts and this, like you push the nose to the, to the side because they can't really tell you no. Right, right, exactly. And again, like, you know, I feel like, I feel like I'm objection-proof. That makes sense. You know, for me, the way I look at no, and this goes back to a lot of different things that I went through.

But I think, and I feel personally, like every time I hit that barrier, I'm just getting a little bit closer to, you know, to the goal. And I want people to tell me no. I want people to challenge it. I want people to say, no, that's not the right fix. It just inspires me to work harder and be better. and to work on what the right fit is. And I think when the yes comes, it's going to be that day, you know, and it's going to be the perfect person at the perfect time with the, you know,

with the perfect background for it. Absolutely. Did you grow up in New Hampshire? I did it. Yeah, I grew up in New Jersey, Northern New Jersey. He was born in Huntington. At the age of like three or four, we moved out to New Jersey. So I grew up in northern New Jersey.

And, again, kind of crazy story. So one of six children, mom and dad. dad were married for 50-something years and I lived in downtown Maristown and uh and I grew up kind of um you know I wouldn't say I wouldn't say you know terribly poor but we didn't have a lot and and I was a good lacrosse player I was a good football player a good athlete I was a bigger kid but the way I kind of grew up was was more around sports and more around you know different cultures and things like that and so right around my eighth grade year and stop me if I already told you the story or if you already know where I'm going.

But so right around my eighth year, I'm playing lacrosse. And I was scoring goals. I was a big, strong, like, so anybody that's familiar with lacrosse, like early on, back in the early 90s, it was always quick little attackment and big strong boys of defensemen. And so I remember arguing with the attackment. I'm like, dude, just put the ball in the back of the net, man. It's 36 square feet.

Like, it's one ball. Put it in the back of the net. He's like, oh, so easy. Take the stick and do it yourself. I said, all right, cool. So I became an attack man at like, you know, in like sixth grade where I was just one of the biggest kids and I would back people down and dunk the ball on the goal. I'm like, see, that was easy. So anyway, fast forward a couple of years. I'm a good attackman and I'm scoring

goals and I'm playing on this AAU team and my dad's up in the stands and I'm playing on this little defenseman and I'm backing him in scoring goals and my dad is standing next to this guy in the stands and the guy says, hey, is that your boy out in the field? And that says, yeah. The guy says, he's pretty good. What's his, what's his plan for for high school next year? My dad said, well, he's going to go to Marstown High. He said, has ever thought about going to Maristown Beard? My dad said, absolutely not. He said, well, how come?

And my dad said, well, it's about $50,000 a year to go there. And I can't afford that for my son to go to school. I literally, I don't make that for all of my children, let alone to send one to high school. And that guy's name was Finn Wentworth. And Finn Wentworth is part of one of the Brooklyn Nets career for philanthropist and also an alumnite of Maristown Beard. And his son, I was playing defense on me. and he said, would you think Matt would be willing to go to Marstown Beard if I paid for him

if you gave him a scholarship to go there? And my dad said, I don't know. And that night, I knew something was up that night. We got home, you know, dinner, you know, kind of everybody kind of did their own thing for dinner, if that makes sense. We're all coming and going at different times. My two older brothers were also athletes. And so, but something was up because they stayed at the dinner table, right?

Like, people were usually just grabbing food and, like, elbowing each other to get in and out. And they called me back to the dinner table. And it's both my brothers and my dad. My dad says, you know, he calls me my full name. He's like, Matthew, what do you think about going to Marstown beer? I'm like, that I have no, I have no aspirations to go to Marstown beer in any way, shape, or form. I really don't, I really don't like that culture. I didn't really want to go to that kind of school.

Like, you know, for us as younger kids, you looked at those kids as, you know, prep school kids, whatever the deal was. And he said, well, would you be interested in going there? I said, absolutely not. I want to go to Marstown High. I've grown up. I mean, I played in the Little League World Series with my Marstown High kids for baseball. We had a great football team.

We had a great lacrosse team. We had a great baseball team. These are kids that you grow up with and, you know, you go through all these trials and tribulations. And now I'm going to leave them to go to Marstown Bearden. And so my brothers basically, you know, talked me into and they said, Matt, this is one of the best opportunities that you'll ever have. And so, long story short, I wound up taking, you know, taking the scholarship. and I go to Morristown Beard. And I always call it my first undercover operation, right?

I get like my first day of school. So I find out like the day before you go to school that you got to wear a shirt and a tie. Nobody, like, this is the first scholarship class in Marstown Beard history. And mind you, Maristown Beard is known at this time in the early 90s for swimming. And I can't remember what the other sport. Oh, ice hockey. Swimming ice hockey. They were like Ofer when it came to football on lacrosse.

And so nobody tells me ahead of time. and I went to football camp before school opened up, but nobody wanted to tell me like, hey, you need to wear a shirt and a tie. So like the day before, one of the other scholarship kids is like, dude, we got to wear shirts and ties. I'm like, shit, man, I don't have a shirt and a tie. Like, where am I supposed to go get one? And the funny story is when I was writing my book and I had a ghostwriter that was helping me out,

and we were kind of going through and we were talking a little bit about high school and how it all looked. He found a picture of somewhere like in the archives of Marstown Beard, and you can see the mismatched shirt and tie that I had. And he was just laughing. I was laughing, but that was really my first undercover op, man. I, you know, I pull in the first day, and I'm in a station wagon, and, you know, my dad's dropped me off, and I'm looking around, and all I see is these expensive cars.

And I saw, like, if you remember, the F-150 Lightning, there was, like, 2,000 of them made. There's one of those in front of me now, like, there's a brand-new lightning. But back then, there was only, like, 2,000 made. There's Porsches. There's Lamborginis. There's Ferraris. There's BMWs, like, Mercedes, everywhere. It's like a car show.

And I remember getting out And again, I've been on campus now for football Trying to, you know, trying to succeed Athletically. And I get to my first day in class. And I remember Mr. Franz, who was my history teacher, just a great man, great mentor. I walk in a class and I'm getting a little bit late

and come chill trying. It's like a big open-air campus. That makes sense. You have to go, you have to find the right building. You have to find the right class. Everything else is not like four walls. So I find the right class and I sit down and the girl next to me looks like Wednesday

from the Annes family. So I look at her. I was like, you know you look like Wednesday, right? And she rolls her eyes. And again, like not, I mean, not, you know, it just, so she rolls her eyes. And I'm like, man, like, she really does, like, not like makeup and everything else. But so I decided to do my left, I'm like, bro, Wednesday from the honest family? And he's like, he's like, Griff, stop.

I'm like, why is everybody being so weird, right? We're a freshman in high school, whatever. And so the teacher says, Griffin outside. So I walk outside. Mr. Franz says to me, he says, hey, man, we. got we got a movie star in class, leave her alone. I was like, oh shit. It was Christina Ricci sitting next to me.

To my left, the guy that I was like, Wednesday from the Outta's family, that was Jamie Siminoff, owner and creator of ring doorbell. So this is how I start off my, I guess you want to say like my undercover career is sitting next to a movie star and a parade or a soon-to-be multi-billionaire who's been on the shark tank. And again, it was just eye-opening, right? It was just eye-opening that I was next to a movie star number of. one. I didn't know Jamie was going to be who he is today at that point. But again, it was just, that's who I was surrounded by. And that's, I had to do this job of fitting in and kind of being

somebody that I wasn't. I had to walk a certain way, to talk a certain way. I had to be a part of it. And like, I learned a lot from those four years. But so I remember, it was either that day or the next day, I was walking down to gym class. And I always felt like, I always felt like the great equilateral in life is like the sports field. And, you know, the, the court, the sports field, whatever you have. Like, it doesn't matter if it's me against you, it's a ball court, whatever it is. Like, I don't care how you drove here. I don't care what sneakers you have on.

I don't care what's in your bank account, what your trust fund looks like. When we put the helmet on, it was me against you, my team against your team. And so I couldn't wait for gym class. That makes sense. Like, I'm navigating through the societal, you know, injustices of life inside of this, these four walls of Marstown Bearden. And I get down and I walk down into the locker room and people are certain. circled up. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm like, okay, I guess people are going to, I guess,

I guess there's going to be a fight. And I was, I remember feeling actually excited that somebody else was going to have, was going to get into a fight. But I'm in honest to me. I was the one getting into the fight. The senior comes over, puts the bridge of his, his hat on my forehead and says, you think you're going to take my starting spot on the football team. And me being a smart ass at that time, I said, I'm pretty sure I already did. And he punched me. And so it hits me, like, I mean, let me, this is an 18-year-old. I'm a 15-year-old, so he lights me up. He gets the best of me.

Like, real talk. He put it on me. Maybe he got a couple licks in there. But he gives me, I have a black guy, I got a bloody lip. You know, the teachers come down. They pull everybody apart. I'm like, huh, like, this is not really going too well. You know, my opening career at Maristown Beard isn't going so well.

But I remember going to the principal's office. And I remember him saying to me, and I was thinking like he was going to apologize. I think he didn't say like, hey, like, this isn't going to, this is going to fly here. but what he said was this isn't going to fly here and this is why people like you shouldn't be here I said people like me and he said yeah he said three days of out of school suspension I said I didn't do anything I was walking down to go get changed to go to gym class so please tell me what I did wrong because I'm not I'm not sure what I did wrong and so I don't know how to not repeat this and you know and it basically just blamed it on me from from the background

that I came to and you know I guess he wasn't a proponent of scholarship kids coming to Marstown Beard. And so I remember what it felt like Thursday, Friday, and Monday being on out-of-school suspension, right? And that means that I couldn't start on the Friday night football game that I worked really hard for. And on Saturday morning after the Friday night football game, I texted one of the guys on the team and said, you know, like, tell me about the game.

And he's like, yeah, man, first off, I want to tell you that I apologize. I'm like, for what? He's like, man, it's just fucked up that this guy started and you didn't. And it was the first time it dawned on me that he didn't get three days out of school suspension. The senior got a Saturday detention, and I got three days out of school suspension. And I remember how that felt, man. I remember how, and I remember saying to my older brother, Neil at the time, I said, I said, dude, I shouldn't be here. You know, this isn't right.

Number one, I didn't start the fight. He started the fight. He gets a Saturday of attention. I get three days out of school suspension. How does that work? And my brother said to me, he goes, man, they throw you the walls, man. you just need to come back, you need to lead the pack. And I know it sounds kind of cliche today, but that had a big impact on me.

And I would say like that's the point in my life where I decided that I wasn't going to, I wasn't going to follow other people. I was going to choose my path in this life. And I can tell you that's the first and only varsity football on the cross game that I didn't start. So, yeah. And for four straight years, I wound up being the senior. class president. I wound up being recruited to play to play sports in college and decided that that again, there's some other things that go on inside of there, but I decided that I didn't want to

live that life. I didn't want to do what these other kids were doing. And so I decided that I was going to join the Navy. And so I know I went off on the tangent, man. I'm sorry. All right. Hold up. You know how everyone says healthy food is either boring or just a hassle. Yeah, that's not the case with Oregon. I'm here to tell you that I found a protein shake that actually tastes incredible. And it's packed with real nutrition that's going to make your life so much easier. Trust me, this is the good stuff. This podcast is brought to you by Oregon. And if you haven't tried their 30 gram protein shakes yet, what do you wait in for? These things are protein packed, delicious, and made with ultra-filtered protein. Plus, they've got all nine

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slash Ian Bick and use code Ian Bick for 30% off your order. Yes, you heard that right, 30% off. But you've got to use my code Ian Bick. That's 30% off your entire order. Just go to orgaine.com slash Ian Bick and use my code Ian Bick at checkout. Don't wait. up and thank me later. Now let's get back into today's episode. That's what the podcast is all about. What I love about that story is the power of right time, right place. I mean, if you were never at that game that day and your dad wasn't there, no one would have been talking to that other guy and it all worked out. Right. That's the power of that. That's so cool. Right. Right. That could have altered your whole life. Who knows if you would have even joined the Navy? Yeah. You know, you just

never know. And now take it another step, right? And now we can take it another step too because I look at that as one of the work at the time I looked at it as one of the worst decisions that was ever made by my parents for me and everything else and I look back at it now is one of the best because here's the deal like fast forward 20 years and if and if the things that happened at morristown beard didn't happen I wouldn't have been successful in an undercover life I wouldn't have been successful as a police officer I wouldn't have been successful or alive in certain situations where because of what in the culture that I was able to be in the ability for me to see certain things that I would never have been exposed to at morristown.

high, I was able to succeed inside of those certain circumstances as an undercover cop. And that, you know, I looked. And it's interesting when I, when I released my book, I never read it all the way through. If that makes sense. Like anybody that's written a book kind of knows what I mean, but like I knew that I had one chance to tell my story. And I would read or I would write full chapters. And then I would get up on a plane and I was traveling for work at the time. And I would get up on the plane and I would read the chapter. And if it wasn't exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it to say, I would delete the whole chapter and not save it. Because if I saved it, I would just rewrite certain things. And so I've written that book

no less than probably, you know, a hundred times. And so at the end, when I finally, I always say my scariest day was Thanksgiving Day of 2020 when I hit the publish button. But when I finally read it all the way through, it was like this epiphany. Holy crap, man. Like, if this didn't happen here at Maristown Beard, I wanted to live here in the undercover world. If this didn't happen in the Navy, this, this, this, this. And it was so clear to me that there was just, there was an intelligent design between, like, if, in the lessons that I learned and how I was able to stack those, you know, all those learning lessons in from it. So, you know, again, at the end of the day, when I do a lot of keynotes, I call my keynote the treasure inside of the trauma. And so all the traumas that stacked up and all the obstacles that were presented in front of me for every single chapter wound up being the opportunities that I have.

today and the opportunity to succeed, the opportunity to live, the opportunity to breathe another day. And I'm so, I'm grateful and I'm blessed. I still keep up with a lot of people at Maristown Beer, and I'm so grateful for some of the lessons that I learned there. Were your siblings, did they have any animosity towards you for going to that school, and they didn't? No, I mean, I think, so I only have a younger sister, and today we're the best of friends. And I think my older brothers were proud. So my older brother, Neil, coached me in football.

and he just always kind of saw the talent in me. He saw, you know, he saw that I was, I was just one of those kids that was always playing a sport. So like a lot of kids, like my kids, they're on, they're plugged in all the time, right? Like I was never that. I was always at the park. I was always, depending on the temperature, I was playing one sport or the other sometimes. I mean, lacrosse and baseball at the same time and the same season, I was always doing something. And I think he just really wanted me to succeed.

And I remember like in seventh grade, he had me write these things down, like my goals that I wanted you know seventh grader I think most of my goals revolved around girls you know but he was like nope I want you to focus on you have your talented athlete and and so um you know that was my brother so they're always so passionate about me getting more out of life and getting more out of the opportunities and and he wound up to play in uh division one lacrosse at holy cross but yeah so no i i wouldn't say that they were i would say that they were my biggest my biggest What did your parents do for work? So my dad was an accountant and my mom was a nurse.

And my mom wound up teaching nursing at Seton Hall where my mom and my dad met. Was there any law enforcement military background? No. No. And honestly, like, I wasn't going to be a cop. And I mean, real talk. I wasn't one of those kids that grew up like, oh, man, that's so cool seeing the cruiser run down. I saw the cruise and I was running the other way.

I heard the lights and sirens and I was gone. I mean, I was, I was like the Wiley Coyote, the smoke cloud. And because anybody that knows Marstown knows that, you know, a lot of our, a lot of the hoodlums would hang around in what's called the headquarters area. And so when the cops came, we scattered. And we had a plan in place when the cops came. Everybody went on their own, right? Because you're either going to catch, you know, one or you're going to catch none. And that was kind of our motto.

And so anyway, so long story short, I get into, I decided to go into the Navy. After high school, I went down. I stayed with my brother in Virginia. my oldest brother, and he's just a big workout guy, very, very healthy, I mean, monstrous man of muscle. And so he really kind of got me into a structured type of lifestyle. So I wound up, I wanted to working for a company called Carpetmasters. And I was cleaning carpis and working out twice a day. And, you know, literally we would wake up at 4.30 and we would start working out at 5 a.m.

And so when I joined the Navy, I went out to San Diego and I wanted to be a sonar technician. Well, I didn't really care what I was going to be in the Navy. If that makes sense. Most kids at, like, 18, are like, ah, whatever you want me to be for the recruiter, you know? Recruiter usually decides what they want your son to be. And I was relatively smart. So I became a sonar tech.

I go out to San Diego. I spent a year and a half out there, I learned to listen for submarines. I'm like, this is chill. Like, this is the easiest job in the world. Like, I can sit here and listen for like a beeping sound. I'm like, cool. Y'all are going to pay me?

I'm like, awesome. So I do that for a year and a half. I make it to my ship down in Mayport, Florida, and get down there. and I'm doing the sonar tech thing. It's awesome. It's exactly what I think is to be six hours on. I'm listening in headphones to submarines that are in non-war time.

I'm like, this is great. There's no submarines out here. Like, nobody cares. Basically, I'm listening for a whale to let the captain know, hey, there might be a whale here. And after about a year of that, again, I was in good shape. I was down in Florida. I always love the ocean is my happy place. And so my buddy and I, Adam, we were good surfers.

We're in good shape. We worked out a lot. And the absolute tenant comes to Adam and I says, hey, you guys are in good shape. You guys are good swimmers? Like, yeah. So what do you think about being SAR swimmers? That sounds great, man. Like, it's like collateral duty.

He's like, yeah, it's collateral duty. You'll still be a SAR sound art tank. I'm like, great. He goes, I need you muster up tomorrow at 7 a.m. to do the PT test. No problem. So we ran the mile and half. We did the swim.

We tread the water, everything else. And we, on Monday morning, we show up to SAR school. Now, unbeknownst to me, this is rated as like the third hardest school in the Navy behind like buds. EOD and things like that. And so it's like 100 of us that are lined up on the blacktop and, in, you know,

in the, the attention position. And, and I realized very quickly that I shouldn't be here, right? Like, but the problem was I was too dumb to, like, raise my hand and I was too dumb to quit.

It rained the bell. So I remember the first, like, we go for a three mile run. And these guys, like, you know, like the short shorts,

right, like the big, big jack dudes and they're screaming out of us. Don't be last. Don't be last. And so we go on this initial three mile run. run. And again, we're smart, right? So like, you're not last, but you're not first. And so we come around and there's about football field left and everybody's screaming taking off. I finished right

in the middle of the pack just like I wanted to. The guys that were last, they pulled off to the side had them in the push-up position and they're screaming at these dudes. Like this is 97, 98, right? Maybe 99. I'm not sure. But hazing is completely legal at this time in the Navy. I mean, they're like fire hose, spitting, kicking, like just destroying these dudes that were last. I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening legally. And we're standing there attention. And I'm looking at Adam at the corner of my eye. I'm like, what in the F do we get ourselves into?

And the cadre at that point said, do we say three? We meant six go again. So we had to go for another three miles. And it taught me a lesson in the very first lesson of that day was you never know when it's over. And that lesson kind of paid dividends as I moved through my life. Because you don't ever know when it's over. You don't ever know when the trauma is going to strike again. And no matter what you did, you never knew when to over-exert yourself, when to get everything that you have.

And so you just had to always give everything that you had. Because you never knew when it was going to be the time that they're going to. And you got two disqualifications in a span of six weeks. And then you had to, you could either, you got your kicked out after your second disqualification. You could reapply, but most people don't. and I caught my first DQ a week one. So anybody that swims with a snorkel knows that like if you're humping with a snorkel

and you're swimming really hard with a snorkel, it's a different type of pulling oxygen. So you're pulling oxygen out of the air instead of like normal breathing. And so when you get, when you get winded, all you want to do, your brain tells you that all you want to do is just take the snorkel out of your mouth and suck air. And so what the diver is underneath the water, you have these operations or these missions where,

or there's flights and they're just time swims with snorkels. and fins, and so you're flying back and forth, right? You get to about a mile or so, and you're, you're, you're smoked. The divers will pull your carabina and pull you under. It fills up your snorkel with water. And all you want to do, your brain tells you, rip the snorkel out, man, you need oxygen, right? Water's not going to do you well right now. You need auction. So your whole brain tells you rip out. And I did that, and that's a DQ. You can never take off your mask here to snorkel during an operation. And that was my first DQ, and that was week one. So every single day, living with the fear that one more DQ.

And again, because that wasn't a, it was a reaction. It wasn't a conscious choice, if that makes sense. Like the diver pulled me under. The water filled up in my mouth and I'm like, I'm sucking in water, so I ripped out. They did it every single week. And I remember every time it would happen, I would have to, I know it was getting ready to happen. And it would happen. But it was always shocking because you can never see the divers.

And I would have to breathe. And I'd have to like mentally breathe. That makes sense. Not air breathe. but I would have to calm myself mentally and say, don't do it, don't do it, and then take everything that I had left to me to blow the water out. The dividends that paid me in my life, from crisis situations to suicidal situations to the fatal funnel, to everything that we did in law enforcement, to be able to think through crisis has been the biggest,

one of the biggest, probably one of the biggest benefits that I've had in my life. And that was Navy. So anyway, you asked about being in the police department. So I was going to be a career Navy guy. I loved the Navy. I had this great job. Now I'm a Sar Swimmer. 19 of us graduated Adam right next to me.

Like hundreds of people started. We graduated 19. I was too dumb to ring the bell. I just loved every minute of what I was doing. And so I was going to be this. I put in, there's a captain on my ship on the USS Doors. His name was T.K. Shannon. And I love to reconnect.

with TK. I've never been able to find him. And if anybody out there knows where TK Shannon is, he was a captain of the USS to work back in, back in the early 2000s. Well, he saw, he took a liking to me. He said, he said, I was, I think I was in E4, E5 at that point. He goes, man, I've watched you and you are a leader. Everybody surrounds, everybody listens to you, everybody wants to be around you. I think you make a great officer. And I remember just the way that made me feel. And he said, have you ever thought about this program? It's called Stephen to Admiral 21. I said, I've never thought about that at all. He said, well, I'm going to sponsor you.

And he sponsored me to become an officer. And so I go through this whole process. I've got to take the SATs again. I've got to go through a board. I've got to go through all these different situations. They have to go through all my evals. And anyway, he promotes out and becomes a rear admiral at the end of my, whatever you want to call it, the application process.

And so another commander comes into the ship, doesn't know me from anybody else. And I have to do my final interview with this new commander. and the commander just kind of writes me a lukewarm eval so I get waitlisted and I remember that feeling if anybody knows anytime I put my mind to something I've typically been able to achieve it

and this is the first time of my life that I didn't get something that I really wore a tariff for that I really wanted and I remember the devastating feeling when I got the letter saying that I was being waitlisted because I was fully I knew that I was going to get it and I went to stay with my brother in Virginia Beach in Chesapeake

and he said, man, what are you going to do if you don't get this program? I said, I haven't really thought about that. He said, well, you got six months left. You're either going to re-enlist or you're going to get out. You got to think about it. And that morning, there was an article in the paper for Virginia Beach Police. He's like, what about being a cop? Like, bro.

Like me? He's like, I'm like, you know my background, right? He's like, yeah. He's like, I think you'd be a great cop. I said, you know what? Why not have a backup plan? And so I go down to take the PT test. There's like 2,000 dudes for like 30 spots.

And I remember texting my wife at the time. I'm like, I'm not getting this. Like, there's 2,000 people out here. It was like a Virginia Beach concert. I'm like, is everybody here trying to be cops? And sure enough, like, I went through the PT test, so I passed that. Like, I don't know, 500 people couldn't pass the PT test. I'm like, okay, you either know you can do pushups or you don't.

You know, how do you show up on a Saturday morning knowing you can't do 50 pushups? But, and then we get to the written test is the same day. And so out of that 2,000, probably like two or 300 make it through. And I was wondering them made it through. And then a month later, they called me back. for the polygraph, for the interview process, for the written, for other things, like that you had to go through like scenario-based training.

And on a Friday afternoon, they called me and said, we're offering you a spot in the 36 police academy. I'm like, damn, I'm like, I really did not think this was going to happen. I said, I was really thinking that I'm going to be, you know, a naval officer. I had this vision in my head of wearing like the, you know, like the naval officer like dress whites.

And I couldn't shake that, I couldn't shake that vision in my head. And I said, man, I was waitlisted for the semen armor program. How long can you give me? me to make a decision on the police academy. It was like Friday at like 4 p.m. He's like, I can give you about 60 minutes. How about 5 o'clock?

I'm like, bro, come on, man. Help my brother out here. And he said, no, you're either going to accept this position. I'm going to move it on to somebody else. And I said, well, I'll call you back in 59 minutes. And so I was talking to my wife at the time. I talked to my brother and seek out some wise counsel. And I called him back.

And I said, I'm accepting a spot in the 36 police academy. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto TV! Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is ours.

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And the Game Time guarantee means authentic tickets at the best price every time. Take the guesswork out of buying tickets to concerts, sports, comedy, and more with Game Time. Download the GameTime app and create an account for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. The NBA playoffs are here, and now you can trade every game on Kalshi. You can also trade on who wins each series, the conference finals, and the championship. San Antonio is currently trading at 22% to win it all, meaning a $100 trade pays out $455 if they take the title. On Kalshi, you're trading against other people in a live market, no house, no odds makers.

And as the odds move, you can buy in or out any time throughout the post season. For a limited time, download the Kalshi app and use code hoops to get $10 when you trade $10. KLSHI, Kalshi, trade on. anything. That's how my my my my my uh, my, uh, my, uh, why do you think that high demand, uh, for becoming a police officer has disappeared? Because there's not the hundreds of thousands lining up anymore. Now you got 30 spots. You like seven do you show up. Um, you know, I think, I think there's a lot of reasons. Number one, I think that society's view of law enforcement has changed. And I think the younger

generation's view of law enforcement has changed. And I think that's a shame. I'm so proud of my law enforcement career and the things that I've done. And again, a lot of trials, a lot of adversity, a lot of things that I've accomplished. And again, my life would be a lot different if I, if I stayed in the Navy, I'm sure of him. When Adam stayed in the Navy was a master chief when he retired senior chief or master chief. I can't remember. But I think that you go through a lot. And I think the younger generation is honestly very, very intelligent. I think they're looking at some of who they thought their mentors were as, you know, senior police officers or older police officers, and they're looking at it and they're saying, wow, he doesn't seem that happy. He doesn't seem like the pension was worth

it. He doesn't seem like everything that he did was, was worth that type of grind. Whereas when I was doing it all, it was, to me, it was the coolest thing. The older guys that were retiring in, you know, 2002, 2003, 2004, I mean, they were riding off into the sunset like heroes. And now it's different. And I think that the younger generation realizes that there's a lot more that comes with being a cop other than just the notoriety and driving fast and kicking doors in and arresting people. I think there's a lot of societal pressures that be put on people with with camera phones and body cams and you know and you make one mistake. And again, sometimes those

mistakes are, you know, are deadly. Sometimes those mistakes cause people to go to prison, whether you're a police officer or not. And I think that's not. And I think that's not. That's not something that the younger generation wants to, you know, play roulette with. Whereas, you know, for me, I never saw those. I never saw it like that. I saw it like, holy cow, like somebody is giving me the authority to do something great in my community. I want to do that. And I think our younger generation, our young, what I call our younger badges, they look at it and they say, well, how can, and how can this career help me in the things that I'm trying to accomplish, whereas, whereas I was trying to accomplish something for.

the community and the badge and i think that's a different mindset today um and again i think there's a lot of pressures on it from from society to to uphold a lot more and so yeah i think it's tough man i really do and i think that one of the one of the major things that we can do is law enforcement is is better wellness i think one of the questions that a lot of family asked me when their son of their daughter is looking to become a cop is how are we how how how is your police department going to take care of my son or daughter? Because I'm looking around at a lot of these older guys and they seem miserable. How are you going to protect my son or daughter from being that? And that's the question that each agency needs to answer. Because at the end of the day,

it's really not about money anymore. Our younger generation, our younger population of officers are up-and-coming officers, we're all fishing from the same pool of applicants. What's the difference between 65 grand and 60 grand? Not all that much. So if it's a buyer's market for me and I'm choosing a police department because I'm a qualified applicant. I'm going to look at technology and I'm going to look at wellness. What type of technology are you giving me to succeed in to help my community and how are you going to take care of me should something happen to me? The things that I see every day, how are you going to help me process that and move through that? Because the last time I saw, 33, almost 40% of police officers suffered from PTSD. And that's a, that's a hard thing to

ask somebody to go through it, you know, at the wages that they have. How old are you when you join the force? I was 23 years old, 23 and a half. What was that like that first week? Was it what you expected? Oh man, it was, you know what? So I remember being so fully prepared for it. So for the PT test, you had to run a mile and a half. And so your first day in the academy, they do an entry PT test. And so I finished first on the run. And I remember we had this, we had this cadre, his first name was Rock. And I can't remember rock's last name but he was just a you just a great dude man oh rock easton rock easton was the man just a rugged dude just somebody that i trusted wanted to be like right and and he was just in crazy shape and so so i humped out like a like a nine minute mile and a half

and like he was pushing me the whole time so i finished first on the mile and a half in and and and so he just had my back that whole time like right from the first get-go he's like he's like yeah and i knew what they were trying to accomplish if that makes sense like i knew the the breaking point and they were trying to push people into their breaking points to see how they're going to react inside of that crisis. But I already had that crisis. I already had the ability to work through a crisis. And so I kind of understood the mentality of what they're doing. But I loved it, man.

I loved the police academy. The best friends in my life are still there. And I'll give a shout out to one of my guys, man, because leaving the academy, he's still one of my best friends today. He's an Air Marshal. And when you do your exit PT test and I finished second to him, he said he was going to beat me. he did. He ran an 830 mile and a half and he beat me. It's his claim to fame to this day. So every time I see him like, he'll probably text me right now and say, yeah, but who finished first going out of the academy? I'm like, yeah, you got a must. But I loved it. I loved every day

there. And it was cool, man. I was able to finish at the top of my class and I chose a great precinct. I went to the third precinct. And, you know, and I look back and it's like, you know, That's really where kind of my life started to kind of unwind. And if that makes sense, I was really passionate about what I was doing. And everything in my life, if I do something, I go 100 miles an hour into it. And it's just the mindset I've always brought to everything. And that's what I was doing there. And, you know, but yeah, early on in Virginia Beach history, it was, it was difficult, man.

And, you know, I remember my first day on my own. And, you know, so you go through field training. So you go through the academy and I was one of the top, you know, finished the top of my class. I got to choose my precinct. So I choose the third precinct. And I go through my field training. Field training is three months,

month with each with three different police officers to essentially train you. And the feeling like when you're driving alone for the first time. So I got certified. Like you typically have your bag right next to you with all your stuff in and everything else. But like during field training, it goes in the trunk. And so anytime you needed anything, you had to go to the trunk. And so it was just the nicest feeling in the world not having somebody to sit next to you. And because everything you did during field training,

they're digging on. If you don't put your blinker on, if you put your seatbelt on, if you drove in too fast. And it just felt nice to like, I remember like driving out of the station all by myself. Like, yeah, man, like getting up on the highway like, wong and just letting it go, right? Like, yeah, nobody's dinging me today. And, you know, making left turns with the signal. I was like, yeah, where are you at now? And about midway through that day, I remember the call came out. I was, I was in 3.30 zone, which was like short drive down in Virginia Beach. and the call came out, and I still remember the tone. I'm like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

And it was a 21-year-old kid, unconscious, not breathing, what they call a code gray. And so I fly down to Shore Drive, and I remember going into the condoms. I can still see it to this day. And I go up the stairs, and I go to the left, and I go running in there. And there's this young man, he was 21 years old.

He stripped himself down naked, and he shot himself in the head. And I remember there was like kind of the first time that I really, you know, saw all the blood, the coagulated blood or underneath this man's, you know, brain and everything else. And at that time, Virginia Beach, you had to kind of search the body and make sure it wasn't anything like suspicious. Make sure it was like, you know, another gunshot wound someplace. And so I'm moving the body around and I saw the corner of a note from the coagulated blood. And so I moved the note out. and I remember the beginning of the note,

and I can remember it said two. And I'd imagine it meant to say like to whom or whatever, but I don't know what the next word was because the rest of it had gotten washed out with the blood. And I remember we get home that night, and I got to dinner, and my wife at the time was like, how was your first day on your own? And I said, man, it was good.

It was really good. It was a lot of fun. Like, I got to drive fast. I got to do cool things. Like, I'm a cop now. I'm a police officer, honey, you know? and she said, she said, that's so cool. And I said, but there was this one call that really kind of bothered me.

And so I told her about it. And that night, I slept okay, but I was thinking about, like, what did this young man want to say to the world before he took his life? And the impression of the gunshot wound and what that looked like on the ground. And why did he strip himself down naked and what, you know, and I wanted to know more. I wanted to gain more. I wanted more insight on this young man's life. And so the next day I went into work and I grabbed a coffee and I called one.

one of the older guys, one of the guys that I trusted. And I pulled them over and, you know, we just grab coffee and we're next to each other. And I said, hey, man, I said, that call yesterday, it bothers me. He's like, what do you mean? I said, hey, I'm a, I mean, he took his life. He stripped himself down naked and he wrote a suicide note, but the suicide note was washed away in his blood. And I said, it just bothers me. Like, I wonder what he wanted to say, and it just bothers me.

And he looked at me and he said, if you're not strong enough to see it, then this isn't the job for you. and he got in his cruiser and drove away. I remember how that sat. Like, I remember the heaviness that that sat on me because I wanted to, I wanted to speak a little bit more. I wanted to kind of work my way through. What, how do I go about this? Like, why?

I had all these questions and he got in the screws and drove away. And, you know, somebody I looked up to you. Somebody I wanted to be like, somebody I wanted to emulate their career and be like. And it just bothered me. And so I said, all right, cool. And I guess this is what it's like to be a, cop because again, I saw what it was like to be in the Navy. And you had to, you had to mold yourself and adapt to the situations and the environments that you were placed in. So I figured this is part of

the adapting process. No bigger lie was ever told to me. You fast forward about two years later. And I was on what's called like a jump out squad, like a community oriented policing squad. And it was Christmas Eve. And I'm driving down Hampshire Lane. And I see my buddy in the front yard playing with his son. And then we were in the Navy together. So I pull over. I'm like, yo, man. I'm like, what's going on? Bro? He's like, dude, what are you a cop now? I'm like, yeah. And like, are you a state shot in Norfolk? It's like, yeah. Like, small world, man. I'm like, is this your son? And again, like, I've been a cop now for, you know, two plus years, three years, whatever. And he said, yeah, this is Benny Jr., man. Meet Benny Jr., meet Officer Griffin. And so we talked,

we chop it up. He's like, come on the side. I want you meet Brittany, my wife. I want you meet my six-month-old. So I go inside and meet them. And, you know, we're chopping things up. And he's like, what, what are you doing for Christmas? I said, man, I got to work. I'm a young badge. He said, well, I got a whole bunch of people coming over. Why don't you come grab your plate, meet the family, we'll love to feed you, you know, whatever the case I have you. And I said, I'll definitely do that. I'm going to be right here tomorrow and I was around the corner. I was right now a license place at this drug house. And sure enough, on Christmas Day, I did that. And I remember going in the kitchen and little Benny Jr. was, he was chopping up Christmas cookies, right?

and I remember he gave me a Christmas cookie and he looked at the gun that was on my hip and his eyes were like, it looks like a cannon to a young child and he said, are you a police officer? And I said, yes, sir. He said, that's so cool, man. And he just said, that's so cool

in his little like two and a half year old voice. He fast forward a couple more days and it's New Year's Eve and I was at the same area right now, his plates at the same house around the corner. It was about 4.30 p.m. and the call came out. Units 325, Unis 326,

responded to 767 Hampshire Lane, two-and-a-half-year-old Code Gray. Wasn't my call, but I remember thinking to myself, like, that's a really crappy call for New Year's Eve, man. If you're not familiar, Code Gray means unconscious not breathing. 10 seconds went by, 20 seconds went by, 30 seconds went by. Damn! That's Benny Jr.

All of a sudden, just dawned on me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I dropped the car on the drive. drove up on the front lawn I was still the first officer on scene I go running the house Britney's screaming she's pointing to the bedroom

she had taken the six month old and had gone into the bathroom to take a shower and she put on Willie Wonk in the chocolate factory in Benny Jr's room and Benny Jr. climbed up onto the window sill

and he grabbed the blind cord and he wanted to swing from the window sill onto the dresser and as he swung the blind cord which one of those circle blind cord Codd him around the neck.

And so as I brought him down, I started doing CPR. And I remember praying. I said, in my head, I said, God, don't do this. Don't do this. I've gone to church every single Sunday. I prayed every single night. I've said my prayers. I've done everything that you've asked me to do.

Please don't do this. And at one point, I got a breath. I said, thank you, Lord. Like, he's going to make it. And then I realized that that was the last breath that he took. and as the paramedics they got there and they kind of pulled me off and as they pulled me off I looked up on the wall and I saw the scratch marks where Benny Jr. was trying to get down.

I struggled so hard with that man. And so the vision of those of those scratch marks, Brittany was screaming in the background, saved my firecracker, saved my firecracker. Benny Jr. was born on the 4th of July. And but again, if you're not strong enough to see it, then this isn't the job for you. And so I ate that.

And for years, man, I didn't tell anybody that I blame myself. And again, I don't know that anybody will ever be able to convince me that if I didn't respond the moment the call came out, that I wouldn't have saved his life. And I think that's something that I always will deal with that I'll always think about. And I know, you know, if I get up to heaven or hell or wherever, you know, wherever God decides for me to go that I'll know the reason behind it. But that 30 seconds, man, I ate.

I ate for a long time. And again, at the end of the day, sometimes it's still leave today, but, you know, why didn't go? Why didn't I just, I heard somebody in trouble. I heard somebody in need. I heard 767 Hampshire Lane. I heard an address that was close to me. Why didn't I just go?

And, you know, I laid in bed. So many nights just crying, man, and I would see, and I couldn't tell me, but how do I tell my buddy that if I would have driven there right off the get-go, I would have saved your son's life? How do I tell his family that, you know, so thankful, like, oh, thank you so much for coming to the way. Thank you so much for helping us. Thank you so much for all that you've done.

How do I tell them that this is my fault that I did that if I just would have put the car and drive immediately, I could have saved their son's life. And I didn't sleep. I didn't sleep for five years. Yeah, man, it was just, and I just decided that, you know, to run. And I didn't want to see Lake Edwards anymore. I didn't want to see Virginia Beach anymore. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of it. And so my wife and my son at the time, we decided that I was going to take a job up in New Hampshire.

and we're going to move up there and get a fresh start. And that's how I got up here to the great state of New Hampshire and probably should have looked at the state model, live free or die. We probably became a cop in New Hampshire. But when I got to Keene, it was just beautiful. It was the leads were changing. It was just gorgeous. And I remember people were just so happy.

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Go to IQBAR.com today and enter promo code Brain IQ to get an exclusive offer just for our listeners. 20% off all IQ bar products plus free shipping. That's IQBAR.com promo code Brain IQ. IQ bar.com, code Brain IQ. Good. And that's how I got the keen. And this was probably a smaller town police department. Yeah, Virginia Beach is about a half a million population, maybe more than that now.

We had about 1,600 cops in Virginia Beach, four precincts, whereas Keene was 30,000 population and about 45 sworn police officers. And you transferred just as a normal police officer. You hadn't touched any higher up rankings yet? Correct. Yeah, just as a home police officer. Yeah, so I just did a lateral transfer, had to do like what's called a law package where I had to learn the differences between Virginia laws and New Hampshire laws and then was fully certified, which was, which is. which was great. How'd they treat you switching departments? So it was tough. Anybody that's been in the Northeast knows that the Northeast is somewhat clicky in a way where like a lot of small towns, a lot of people grow up together, they go to high school together,

they play ball together. And so, you know, they're somewhat, it takes a little while to develop trust. And I think that that was my challenge was, here's his big city cop coming up here trying to, you know, why is he coming up here? Why does he want to go? You know, so a lot of people have a lot of questions. Then the way I went about being a cop was different than what a lot of the police saucers up here were used to. I was very, I was very aggressive.

I was a go-getter. I made a lot of traffic stops. I arrested a lot of people. It's just what I thought, I thought that was my job. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And so I learned from a small town as opposed to Virginia Beach is it's really not, not, you know, what everybody was used to. And so, you know, the way I did things from a safety aspect, Virginia Beach third precinct is very different from Key, New Hampshire. Whereas, like, I was very safety conscious.

I've been beaten up really bad when I was on patrol. I went to a domestic violence call. And again, like, people in Virginia Beach were like, man, you're just a dark cloud. Like, if you're someplace, like, things are going to break down. He's like, people used to say, like, you're going to be sitting in the bank parking lot when it gets robbed. And that's what happened this one. on Diamond Springs. I was sitting on Diamond Springs Avenue and a 911 came in from Diamond Springs apartment. I'm like, damn, like that's like right here. And so I remember getting on the radio.

I'm like dispatch, you know, 326 dispatch. I'm right here. I'll be, I'll mark me on scene. I'm pulling in. And I remember like people are pointed to the door. Like that's the first sign like something that's out when a whole bunch of people are pointing to a door, you should probably wait for your back up, right? But not me, man. I clear, you know, I clear out of the car and here I am this, you know, former Navy guys. So I go running in the house and there's blood everywhere, like everywhere. And I'm like, oh my God, like the the pucker factor. I'm like, damn. And there was this monstrous man. When I'm talking like, I'm talking like six three like Hulk Hogan like, I mean, he had pythons. Like he had full on guns attached to his shoulders and he's just ripped and you can just tell like

the crazy eyes. And and apparently he had he got into an argument with his girlfriend, beat her up. And so the rest of the other Navy guys, he was a Navy guy too, come to find out later on, but he whoops everybody's ass. So everybody's bloody and like knocked out. And so he's on his, he's on all, he's on like all fours, right? He's in like the pushup position. He looks at me, just straight muscle. Like he had muscle and like earlobes.

That's how much muscle the dude had. And so like I try to use my most like assertive voice. I'm like, get on the ground. Stay on the ground. You know, like they train you the academy. Like be assertive. I try. And at a dude, at first he started to get on the ground.

And then he's like, nah. He stands up. up and like he starts to stand up and like well here's my only shot and so I wound up and I'm about 2.10 I'm about 6 foot 2 10. I mean I hit this dude with everything I had I mean I closed fisted him right in the temple which I'm telling you would knock out a lot of people this dude was like fooh like it just turned his head I remember saying like I'm in trouble like there's a point where you're like mama and so he stands up and proceeds to beat the ever-living bag on me.

And I remember my radio, I was like, I think I was 326. I was like, 326, I need help. And I was just holding on. It was just a ride. I mean, he was bashing my head. I mean, he, I couldn't get my, everything was so slippery. So I couldn't get my boots for slipping all their place. And he's just pounding on my face, pounding like roast beef in my face and everything else.

And those are the things that happened to me, right? And then the cavalry shows up and, you know, and, uh, um, But yeah, those are things that happen to me. Man, like constantly, you know, if I pull up, you know, there's a felony happening. And that was kind of my life, but it was different in Keen. It was more about a community. It was more about going to the calls that you were called to. It was about helping people.

And I like that. I really liked what I did in Keen and, you know, I became the SRO. Now, in Virginia Beach, if you were the SRO, you got put out the pasture as being the SRO. It was like the older cops that didn't want to like Shad calls. Whereas, I mean, I'm still a younger cop. in Keen and I was able to be the SRO. I still keep up with a lot of the kids that I was the SRO. I coached lacrosse there and really loved it, man.

That's a school resource officer? Yes. Okay. Yep. So tell us about the transition from that then into undercover, because I feel like most people don't transition from that. No. And so, you know, I was fully set on staying as the SRO and just kind of like,

it was a day shift job, 6 a.m. to like 2 p.m. It was perfect. I was coaching lacrosse. I was loving these boys. My sons were growing up as lacrosse players. and they said four years and that's it. And at the end of the four years, I got back into patrol and the opioid epidemic started really tight and hit.

And if you follow the opioid epidemic, fentanyl really kind of attacked two states to begin with. And that was Ohio and New Hampshire. And these kids that I was mentoring at the high school were wound up getting addicted to pills. And they wound up, you know, overdosing and getting hooked on all these different things. And I remember it just all this stuff bothered me. And so they came to me and they said, you know, are you interested in doing the undercover thing again?

We were having a serious problem when it comes to the opioid epidemic. I think we had like a 1,600% increase in opioid-related deaths and fentanyl-related deaths. And I decided, yeah, I said, let's do it. And, you know, and it hit me hard. I mean, people were overdosed and left and right. And so, you know, every day I woke up and it was a battle. It was a battle because I knew that people were waking up putting poison into kids' bodies. and I was waking up trying to catch them.

But yet, I've got to abide by the law, and I've got to abide by the certain dynamics of what we're doing inside of the Drug Task Force and the height of group and everything else that comes along with that, and they don't have to abide by that. And, you know, like I remember this one time, I was sitting in, we served a search warrant early on that week and wound up kicking the door

and getting, like, a bunch of fentanyl, a gun, like $70,000 in cash. What people don't understand about the undercover life is it's like, it's like 10 minutes of fun for like two weeks of paperwork, right? And so we had the 10 minutes of fun and we kicked the door, we got everything else, and we got all the dope and everything else. And now I'm doing paperwork.

It's a Friday afternoon. It's like 6 o'clock, and I'm sitting at a bar in downtown Keen. I'm having a burger in a beer before I went home. For me, it was kind of like that congratulatory. Like, I'm just going to, I'm just going to veg out for a minute. And I see the door come open, and a dude walks in and kind of out of your periphery.

He kind of noticed, like, he sees me, stops and like where he was going now pivoted and coming as walking towards me and I couldn't picture who this dude was. And so I slipped my chair back, my bar stole back a little bit and he was like, you're, you're Detective Griffin, right? You're that undercover cop. I was thinking like, not so undercover. And he said, what are you doing? I said, I'm having a burger and a beer. He said, on a Friday afternoon, on a Friday evening, I said, yeah. He said, well, maybe if you weren't having a burger and beer on a Friday afternoon. My son went to overdosed and died last night.

I said, damn. I said, I'm sorry to hear that. I remember how that hit me. I'm like, why was I having a burger and beer on a Friday night? Like, what, people weren't selling dope on Friday night? Why am I not out here hustling? Why am I not doing the things that I need to do to stop people from overdosing and dying? And I remember how that may be feeling.

It was like, huh, I'm hey, you're right. I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. And I paid my bill and I got up. And, you know, things started really kind of change at that point. Like it's like you're right and and really kind of got like heavy into the undercover life and really started to own every aspect of it from a personality to you know to a full sleeve of tattoos to a lip brain to cornrows to you know I was trying to do anything I could to to to take these fentanyl dealers

off the streets and you know just living it I mean my phone was on 24-7 all my phones were on 24-7 but what I forgot to do was be a husband and a father. And I remember the summer of 2017, you know, summer of 2016, I came home and I had a lip ring. And, you know, I just thought what I was doing was so, number one, I thought it was badass. I thought it was awesome.

I thought it was cool. But I also thought it was right. I thought what I was doing was something that a lot of people weren't able to do because of the way I grew up. Like, I didn't grow up, always wanted to be a cop. I grew up in somewhat of an impoverished neighborhood. I grew up being able to have an opportunity to go to Maristown beer to see certain things. I grew up.

I was able to go to the, you know, and have a mentality where, like, I couldn't be broken from the Navy. And so I felt like I had this talent and I needed to use it. And that's what I did, man. Like, I just went full tilt. And, I mean, from from kilos to fingers to bundles to constantly, constantly hustling and manipulating and always understanding that there's an angle. and everything that I was doing, which, and I was successful. But I showed up at home, you know, midway through the summer of 2016, and my wife looked at me and she said, I'm done.

So what do you mean done? It's like, I don't know who you are. She's like, look at you. She's like, go look in the mirror. And I remember thinking like, yeah, like, I look badass, you know? But that's how I felt, but I wasn't. And she just said, I'm done. I don't know you.

This isn't the person that I married. trying to get through to you, but you're not listening. You know, I look back now, and Ian, I'm, I take full responsibility for my divorce. And I wrote it in my book, and I'll be the first person to apologize to my ex-wife for the life that I lived at that point, forgetting how to be a husband and a father, because there's multiple nights that, that we'd have date night set up, but I'd be halfway home someone to call and say, hey, Griff, I need you for a hitman for hire, play. Got it. Let's do it. Or, hey, Griff, I need you to do such and such.

problem. Honey, send the babysitter home. Or say I did get to, say I did get to dinner and I put up my four phones. You know, I'm not paying attention. And, you know, and I think, you know, like that was really kind of the spiral. But during that, the one person that I always checked on me was my former partner and who wound up promoting out to be the police sheet, but he always, he always checked on me and just status checked me. You know, you see me in the hallways. You're like, hey, you're good, man. I know you're going through a lot. And he never let me say fine. Like, fine to him met feelings in need of expression.

So if I said, no, man, I'm fine. And just the way everybody always does. And that meant that we had to come talk. Like, he would pull me into the roll call room. He would go out and chop it up and go have a cold beer. And he asked me, like, man, what's going on? Talk to me. How are you doing?

Let's have a real talk. Yeah, he was just always there for me, man. And I remember that, that divorce was tough. and I think that a lot of a lot of police officers that go through divorce know that that's kind of the unraveling point, right? We can deal with the things that happen on the job. But when the things happen on the job and you can't go to a safe haven like your home,

when that part of the job is jacked up because of the job, that's where things kind of fall apart. And I was staying with this lady for a little bit in this one-bedroom house, that fell apart. That was a train wreck of a situation. And then wound up being homeless and wound up sleeping in my car for a little bit. And I remember that feeling, man. And it was just hopeless.

That was the only feeling. It was just hopeless. I didn't have anybody to turn to. I had too much of arrogance and ego to ask anybody for help. And, you know, one of my lowest points I remember going in the Keene break room. And I was hungry. I didn't have any money. And I went to take a shower.

and I went in the break room and there was a subway sub in the in the in the break room refrigerator and I took and I ate it. I remember what a piece of shit I felt like man and I remember saying myself this is rock bottom I just ate somebody's sub and now I'm to go out to my car and and that afternoon I went out in my car and I called I called for help I called the number that was given to me like it was on posted on the wall and the break room wall it's called EAP and I called called a number and and I got put on a hole for a while and then finally so in paid up and I said I just need I need to talk to somebody I'm not feeling good upstairs I'm

really not feeling like I have any hope and she said you want to go see somebody I said I really do and she said well I don't have anybody in your area and so what does that mean she's like I don't have somebody call you as well so I can't go she's like you can go to the hospital if you want to say well I'm not going to hospital because then I can't be a cop anymore and I said I just want to talk to is there anybody that I can just talk to and just explain what's going on in my life so somebody can listen. And, yeah, she really said, no. Well, she said, I'll have somebody call you.

And I never, I never had, nobody ever called me. I remember how I felt at that point, man. Here I am rock bottom. I just ate somebody's sandwich. I'm still dealing with many. I'm still dealing with not sleeping. Now I'm dealing with not being married and what that looks like from a life perspective, how you unravel 15 years worth of a life together and everything that you have.

My kids are starting to look at me like I'm a failure. Yeah, man. it just all kind of came apart quick, you know. And I think that's a, that's a struggle from, and I think everybody can relate to this, man. It's not just, it's not just first responders. Like, I think catastrophic failure in anybody's life really sucks, you know, and to look at something that you put so much work into, whether it's, whether it's, you know, a paper that you writ, whether it's, whether it's a promotion that you're trying to get, whether it's a project that you're on, and have it not succeed. I think that catastrophic failure is something that people struggle with. And then when you have catastrophic failure compound or compounding with other things,

like divorces, like life situations like job, stresses and things like that, it's like before you know what you're looking up, and you're like, I don't even know where to start to get myself out of this. And that's that's where I found myself. And you also have those people like yourself that are super successful at their job, but then their home life is a wreck because of their success in their job. And it's hard to keep that balance. Yeah.

I mean, for sure. And, you know, and again, like, I just wanted to be successful for my children. I wanted to be successful for my community. And, like, I just, it was just this evil balance inside of me, you know, every day. Like, what are you doing? And so January 5th, 2017, my divorce was finalized. And I'll never forget that day. I remember sitting in my car, sitting in my Yukon.

And I was just crying. And, again, it was just an emotional toll that it takes on you, you're unwinding this life that you have. have built together in the visions that you had for like, you know, the rest of your life and how you're going to, you know, grow old and whatnot, you know, and, and but you try to make piece of it, right? Try to rationalize, all right, like this, maybe this wasn't the right fit. Maybe it was the right person, maybe, you know, maybe it's not all my fault. And the one person always kind of kept checking on me with Ryan. He kept saying, like, are you good? Are you good?

And you always made me feel like I had a number that I could call. And I had a person that I could reach out to. And, you know, once the divorce was finalized, I said, I'm going to pick myself up. I was staying in this little one bedroom apartment. I was like, all right, I'm going to do this. I can get back. And I started to get a little bit better. And March 9th came, and March 9th would have been my 15-year wedding anniversary. And you just wake up, man.

Like, I don't know people can vibe on this, man. Like, I just woke up. I'm like, today sucks, man. It just sucks. Like, you know, it was March 9th. Like, today should be a happy day. We should be waking up, like, little surprises for your loved ones, 15 years, you know. And I remember just kind of rolling out of bed.

I'm like, today just sucks, man. Like, it's just everything that I touch is failing. It was a woes me moment. It was just, I just felt like everything was, everything sucked. And whatever I touched was just turning to shit. Anybody that I, that was in my life was, was, you know, was it just, it's the only way to describe it. I just felt like, I felt like a failure. But so what do we do?

I go to work. I said, all right, let's just go to work. Let's succeed in any aspect. And so I had this prostitution staying set up for the day. And I was kind of excited for it, right? Like, prostitution things are fun. And there's a lot of things that happen with them that make it fun. And, you know, a lot of manipulation, a lot of hustle to it.

Like, it's just, it's just, you know, you got these Johns that are out there that want to, like, talk shit on a text message. You could have, you know, it's just fun. And so I was kind of excited for it, man. So we're sitting there in the brief up room and about 9 o'clock in the morning. And all of a sudden, a knock on the door. And somebody says, hey, Brian wants to see you. So, damn, like, what's Brian want? like he knows we're briefing up right and yeah so i went down his office i knocked on the door and

i was like i was like be what's up man and he said griff have a seat anytime the police chief tells you have a seat like now i'm like now i'm like now i'm like i'm like am i are we you brian and matt right now or are we we police chief a detective like do i need a union rep what's what's going on your man taught to me like you're you're acting weird now so i sit down still kind of like eyeball on him a little bit and he said uh You said, you know what today is? Referring to what would have been my 15-year wedding anniversary. I said, yeah, I sure do.

He said, men, are you all right? So I'm good, bro. He said, Griff, I'm going to ask you again, man. I know today is a shitty day for you. You straight. I said, Brian, I'm good. He had this way of raising an eyebrow, right? And so he would raise that eyebrow.

I was like, your time to speak if you wanted to say something. So I looked back, I don't we awkwardly stared at each other for like that, you know, five to ten seconds. and you said, if you're not mentally prepared, you're not physically ready, so you tell me now, and I'll comp you out for the day,

no worries. I said, Brian, I'm straight. You know what I didn't say? How are you, bro? I know today sucks for you, too. How about what we can know with this operation, me and you,

we go chop it up, have a cold beer. I never got a chance to say that. Two hours later, Brian went home, was shot, and killed himself. I eat that.

I eat the fact that I didn't say, are you all right? And as I went through that day, and like the next day, it started dawned on me. And I think it was more kind of the depression that dawned on me. I think it was more kind of like, what am I doing this life? What am I doing this world? All I've done is catastrophically fail.

Like I failed Benny. I failed my family. I failed Brian now. I failed my communities. I failed my ex-wife. What am I doing? And I looked at Brian as probably like one of the strongest people that I've ever been around. He's in Norwich Gras.

Just an awesome man. and all of a sudden it just dawned on me. I'm like, it's not suicide. Because people always said, like, weak people commit suicide. It's just a weak thing to do. And this, that and the other. And I'm like, well, Brian was, that didn't really jive from me because Brian was the strongest person I've ever met.

So it didn't really die for me. And so all of a sudden it started to make sense to me that it wasn't suicide. Brian didn't commit suicide. Brian sacrificed. And all of a sudden, it took on a life of its own inside of my brain, the depression side of my brain, the PTSD of all these things. that I've seen and all these things that I've doing all of a sudden, it just came back and said, yeah, now it's your turn. Your whole life has been a sacrifice. Why are you stopping now?

You sacrifice your college education and going to the Navy. You sacrificed staying in the Navy to try and be an officer to go become a cop. You sacrificed in Virginia Beach. You sacrificed here in Keene. You sacrificed as yes or O. You sacrificed your family life. You sacrificed your marriage. and now all you're doing is consistently failing every single day time for the ultimate sacrifice and that just made sense in my head and for anybody listening that's the trauma and that's the that's PTSD

that's the devil in your head talking to you that's the demon talking to you trying to convince you that your life isn't worth it so a couple days of feeling that way I decided that on March 17th I was going to end my life and it took me a lot to get to that point on March 17 but I, but once I looked at it a different way, it started to make sense to me. And I didn't look at it like I was being a week and I was taking myself by the game.

I looked at it as I was doing this for my children. And I know it sounds completely contradictory from a rational brain perspective, but I wasn't dealing with the rational brain at this time. And I was looking at it as I need to do this for my children. My children look at me every day like I'm failing them and I need to, I need to do this for them. Yeah, man. March 17th, I woke up and I spent.

spent the better part of the morning right in my suicide note. We got most of it right here in my head, at least the first paragraph, to my sons. You won't understand, I know this, but please understand that I love you more than anything. You know my light and bad times and my sunshine every morning. And it goes on for a couple more paragraphs. And once I had it down, what I wanted to say to the world,

I went for a walk. I remember cleaning up my, my apartment, because I want people to, like, think of me as, like, a slob. And I remember, like, as I was, like, everything that I was doing, I remember saying to myself, I'm doing this for the last time. And actually, I remember, I mean, I kind of remember the piece that this day helped me because there's so much, there's so many trials, so much adversity and so many obstacles that I was facing that it just, it was just finally, like, this is going to be done, you know, it's going to be over. I don't have to deal with this anymore. and I just remember like the birds chirping man I went for this walk down by a school and I had this little apartment at 100 Washington Street and I went for a walk man I just remember listening to the birds and looking at the trees and I'm like man this is the last time I'm here these birds chirp and having an appreciation for it At about 10 o'clock, I got my Yukon. I was going to commit suicide at midnight.

There's just something that felt right about zeros on the clock. Just from a military perspective, zero's is midnight. And so it just felt right. And so I put my phone on, Do Not Disturb. And I'm a very musically inclined person. I love music. As I was preparing for this, I just listened to the music of my life just to put me back. And, you know, it's tough to go through the worst parts of your day or the worst part of your life.

But I wanted to make sure that, you know, that I felt every aspect of it. And so I sat in my Yukon and I'm listening to the music of my life. It reminded me a high school in the Navy and you blink 182, Tracy Chapman, like songs like that just put me back in that happy place of those times. And I had my phone on Do Not Disturb. I have my gun, have my suicide note underneath it. And at about 1115, my phone rang. And it scared the shit out of me.

Real talk. I mean, because I had it on Do Not Disturb. but I didn't know if you called inside of a minute, it would have a breakthrough. And I had like the stupid rap music on my phone, with my rain toe, you know, like, every way back. And I thought I was like this ghetto like undercover cop. And so it shocked me.

It really, and so I pick it up. And like, my first reaction was to hit the answer button. And it was my buddy Ben. And he said, Griff, I'm trying to get a hold of you. And you know, like, he just started rattling. He's like, I'm trying to get a hold you, man. What are you doing? I said, nothing, man.

He said, man, I'm trying to go to hold you. Why don't you come over, man. Let's, let's have a beer, man. I know you're struggling. I said, Ben, I'm good, man. I said, why don't we catch up tomorrow? I said, I got a couple things I got to take care of tonight, and want to catch up tomorrow. And to explain who Ben is, Ben's a deputy chief now or a lieutenant, I can't remember.

Like, he's, he's an up-and-comer. He's hopefully going to be the next chief of police in Key New Hampshire. But he's the type of guy when you hug him, he freezes up, right? Like, I'm a hugger, man. I'm going to tell you, I love you. I'm going to, you know. And so on the phone, he said, hey, man, before I let you go, I want to tell you two things. So number one, I want to tell you that I love you.

And I want to tell you that the light at the end of the tunnel. And as you're going through what you're going through, I want you to know that I'm here for you. I remember how that, that hit me. It just hit me different. Hit me different from what everybody else had been saying, like, oh, it's going to be fine, it's going to be fine, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine.

And it just hit me different. Like, I had somebody that was going to be there for me. And at about 1117, I made the best decision in my life. I decided if today's a good day to die, so is tomorrow. And I pushed my suicide off for a day. I went over. I had a beer with Ben. We wound up playing some NHL hockey

and just talking shit and just having a little bit of fun and just laughing a little bit. And, you know, March 18th came and I said, you know, today's a good day, to die so is tomorrow. March 19th, March 20th,

March 21st, March 23rd. All these days kept going by and every day I'd wake up and like, well, or I go to bed at night I'm like, yep, I can push it off one more day. I can make it one more day.

I can breathe one more day. And after about like three or four months, maybe not three or four months, maybe like two to three months of saying that every day. I decided, all right, I'm going to change that mantra to today I'm going to do something good for myself. And that's exactly what I did. I said if today I'm going to do something good, sometimes I'll go to the gym. Right. But like when I would wake up in the morning, I would make that first cup of coffee and I would sip that coffee.

And I say, all right, what am I going to do good for myself today? And that was the only thing I looked forward to. I mean, I had that work and things like that to do. But sometimes it was read a book or start reading a book or start a project or have a some kind of hope of what I wanted to accomplish. And everything that I chose over that next, like, couple of months, it was a process. It wasn't like, it wasn't a finite choice. Did that make sense?

Like, going to the gym because I wanted to be back in shape that, and I had like the six-month plan of, like, losing 20 pounds or, or whatever it was. Like, if it was a project or if I was going to read a book that was going to help me to be a better public speaker, a better, a better, whatever it was. There was always, it was always something to do with hope. And so I did that for a couple months. And then I changed that to the mantra that I have currently today. And that mantra is every day I do something good for somebody else. And I say it because it's the most selfish thing that I do every day. People don't understand that.

Like what do you mean selfish? Like the joy that I get from doing something nice for somebody else keeps me going every day. And, you know, I'll be the first one. to tell you, man, like life isn't all gravy. It's not all good. A struggle. I lost my dad. That's been a way on me. It weighed on me not having him at Thanksgiving. It's going to weigh on him on me going into New Jersey to see my mom, you know, without my dad for, you know, Christmas morning for the first time. And, you know, my mom also lost her dog, like my poor mom. And, you know, things aren't always great. But what I learned is that I can make it one more day.

And a lot of people ask me how I got through search and rescue. And why I say these things, compound each other and the lessons that I learned have saved my life in so many ways. In search and rest you, I didn't make it six weeks. I made it to Wednesday and then I made it to Saturday. And what Adam and I decided, and I could ring them up right now and he'll tell you exactly what I'm saying. We would sit there on Tuesday and he would like, man, don't fail on me, man, don't quit. Don't ring that bell because on Wednesday night, the baseball, it was hump day, right? Hump day.

So like we would stay, the baseball would stay open until 2 a.m. And we knew these dudes were going to keep us the better part of the night, the evening, but they would never keep us until the next day. So even if they kept us to 11.59, we still had two hours ago split a picture of beer. And every Wednesday for six weeks in Search and Rescue in Sars School, we split a picture of Budwatcher. And we did that on Wednesday night

and we did that on Saturday night because Sundays were our day off to recover. And so I didn't make it six weeks. I just made it until Wednesday. And on Thursday morning, I didn't make it six weeks. I just made it to Saturday. And here I am. 20 years later, just making it one.

more day. And the one more day mantra for me saved my life. Because just the, the random act of kindness, even if it's just, you know, just like the, the Dunkin' Donuts kids, man, like hugging out with these kids. They're like, your beer's majestic. You're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, just loving on them too, you know. And, and it's just trying to make somebody's day, you know, is the most selfish thing that I do. and it keeps me going. You know, it keeps me breathing to the next opportunity

to do something good, man. And that's, I know I went down a rabbit hole there. I apologize, man. You did really good, man. You know, it's those little things you do for people. That's why, like, I always very, like, I pay attention to, like, you see some of the celebrities where, like, it's that one moment

where someone asked for a photo or an autograph and they say no, and that's what they're known for. So I'm very conscious. Like, if someone comes up to me, ask for a picture or asks me to do something, I try to be responsive and I always feel terrible like not responding to a text. Yeah. It's just sometimes it gets overwhelming.

So maybe I'll respond a couple days later. Yeah. Because I have so many people coming at me for things. But, you know, it's just little things. Like I tried to like send a bunch of locked in huddies to some of the people that were looking for hoodies. And just doing things like that, you never know how you can make someone's day. I want to do more like in 2025 like paying for someone's meal or, you know, getting it, paying it for doing those little things. like that because those have really, really big impacts because there's so many shitty negative

people out there that when you do those things like that and you're kind of people, it goes a long way. Real talk, man. And that's the truth. And, you know, I'll tell you, I mean, you know, for the listeners that are at home, I mean, we can save a life today. And I can promise you that because my life was saved by one person taking the opportunity to make a phone call. And, you know, and I interviewed him from my book and he said, you know, I said, why did you call twice? He goes, Honestly, dude, he's like, I didn't even know that I called twice inside of a minute. I called the first time, and I was like, man, I should leave a voicemail for this fool. And he said, I didn't leave a voicemail the first time, so I called back to leave a voicemail on it,

rang through when you picked up. And, you know, and I think you're absolutely right, man. I think we all know somebody that's struggling. And the first, you know, when you heard my testimony about, you know, the things that I was going through, we all know somebody that's going through that. And, you know, here's my challenge to everybody that's out there that's listening. the first name that came to your head, send a text. Just, and again, I'm not asking to be a counselor.

I'm not asking to be a clinician. I'm just asking to say, hey, I love you. There's light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm here for you. And I promise you, you will save a life. You have no idea what people are going through. You know, you just don't. And it's those little things, and I do it every day. I mean, I call my status checks,

and I got a buddy of mine, and I'm status checking on the regular right now. he's going through some some rough times and you know and you just got to stay on it because if they know that you have somebody it's like the the the story of the guy the golden great bridge you said i sat at the golden great bridge for three hours waiting for one person to come and asked me how i was doing and if anybody asked me how i was doing i was going to commit suicide and he said after three hours nobody stopped to ask me how i was doing he said i rear back and i jumped and i said the moment my hands left the railing i knew that i made the worst mistake of my life and you know you know that i made the worst mistake of my life and

You know, for anybody listening, this is a tough time. Thanksgiving to Christmas in the New Year's time frame is one of the toughest times of the year because of the family aspect. It has family aspect to it. It has financial aspects to it. It has a lot of different vibes that come along with that. Sometimes it can be really heavy. And my one thing is I want to, if you're struggling, man, I just want you to know you're not alone. And it's okay to not be okay.

It's okay to feel the way you're feeling right now. And anybody that tells you that's not okay, they're wrong. It's just not okay to stay that way and ask for help because you're not the only person to go through this and you're not alone and there are resources there for you and I'll be the first one to tell you that that I'll stand right there with you and if you need somebody call me Send me an email send me a text man. I'll talk to you You know in the course of my so After I after I released my book I always said many people call me I'm gonna be there and my phone's out there on my website and everything else and two people have taken me up on that and I'll tell you, it was some of my proudest days

and one time I missed a flight, I was sitting in the Dallas airport and a guy, he said, man, I just, I just want to see if you were real. That's how he started. I'm like, yeah, man, I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, man, you told me that if I called that I would, that you were going to pick up and I say, yeah, you know, I try unless I'm up on a plane or whatever. And I said, and I kind of flipped the back. I said, well, let me ask you why you're calling.

And he broke down. He started crying. He said, man, I'm struggling, man. I'm sitting right here at my suicide note. And I just wanted to see whether or not you were going to answer your phone. And that happened a second time out down to Miami. And here's another crazy story. So we were having a birthday party for a buddy of mine.

There's a group of us that were all worked undercover together. We all get together, which tends to be some crazy times, if you can imagine. You get five undercover together. And typically, you know, you don't want to rent us your house is what I'm saying is. And so we're having a great time. but my buddy Rudy, who's a deputy chief down in, down in Florida, he had an extra set of hearing aids. And from the Navy days and from the police officer days,

like, my hearing is shot. I can't hear anything. So he had an extra say. He's like, man, I want you to try out these hearing aids. Because I'm always like, what? What did you say? Huh? Huh?

Like, and so we're at the party. It's like 11.30 at night. And every one of those dudes will attest to it. This right here, right? This is no, this is 100% hand to God. We're playing with these hearing aids. but they connect automatically to your phone. So he's helping me download the app

and everything else are called Otocron like hearing aids. And my phone rings. And I would never have heard it, right? Unless it was ringing through these hearing aids because we have music going. We have people over. And the same thing, man, the dudes said, man, you told me if I called that you would answer.

And I'm just really struggling. I want to see if you could spend some time. And so I went into the bedroom and I talked to this dude for the next couple hours. And we wound up still texting, you know all the time man we just had a check and um but anyway back in my story man if if y'all know somebody that's struggling man don't this is a bad time and a hard time for a lot of people just make that call make a text shoot a text and say hey i care about you i love you and it means

all all makes all the difference in the world and social media makes it even worse yeah it does man it's very hard to compare to others sometimes yep yep yep keeping up the jones is is difficult because you see what other people are doing for the holidays and what they're how they're succeeding and You know, and I think I want, you know, that's a great, a great point. And so one of the things that's helped me a lot, and I speak on this a lot when it comes to life, motivational, like presentations that I do. And from a social media standpoint, if you're looking at somebody else and you're seeing how well they're doing, just, I want you just to remember that this, their success isn't a reflection on you or your lack of success. It's just their success. you're going to have your own success.

Again, a lot of times in first responder or, you know, police and military organizations, we tend to tear each other down. And that's just not in, that's not just in police world. That's in everywhere, right? We see how somebody else is succeeding. We want to tear them down. And again, let me repeat that. Someone else's success is not a reflection on you or your lack of success.

It's just their success. It becomes a reflection on you when you speak on. So when you when you MF somebody because of what they're doing or what they're what they've accomplished or whatever that becomes a reflection on you. So just let them do them. You do you. You enjoy your life. You put your goals in place and you go out and get your goals. Don't let somebody else's success affect you in a negative manner.

Whether they did it the right way the wrong way, don't speak on that. Let them look in the mirror at the end of the day and realize how they got their success. And, you know, and I think, you know, listen to one of your podcasts that you're on. And I think really the vulnerability that you were able to have, you know, telling your story and the things that you've gone through has really paid so many dividends. And again, look, like the vulnerability that you were able to share has given you the success. Well, maybe not, you know, giving you this. Like, you are a lot of that success too.

But being vulnerable isn't something that we should shy away from. If that makes sense. And a lot of people want to, you know, even like males, females, like we want to be like, oh, I'm so tough and strong. Like, that's great. Be tough and strong. but at the end of the day, if you're not willing to

go deep inside, you're not getting the best version of who you are. You're not being the best version to the people around you. Be vulnerable. Be okay crying. Be okay hugging someone.

Be okay asking them how they are. Because the vulnerability that you're going to give them is you're going to subconsciously give them permission to say, hey, if Ian Bick has the ability to say this, and Matt Griffin has the ability to say this,

than I can too. And we're able to create a community of people that are vulnerable and that also are able to let... The NBA playoffs are here, and now you can trade every game on Kalshi. You can also trade on who wins each series, the conference finals, and the championship. San Antonio is currently trading at 22% to win it all,

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Those are my people. Yeah. I used to be always afraid to talk about prison. When I started talking about it, I was afraid to talk about how I, you know, got bullied and picked on in prison and how like the male prison guard came on to me and that, you know, I was basically got forced into protective custody and all these different things. Little did I know, those are my biggest assets because there's all of the, in a world where all of these guys are coming out of prison talking hard and how they ran the yard. And thus, I'm me, you know, saying I did this and I did that.

And it's fine, you know, that people like that for me. I attract a different audience. And even the guys that are hard respect me because I never made myself out to be someone that I'm not. Genuine. Like, genuineness is so powerful and just being exactly who you are and not being, I'm being afraid of it in any way, shape, or form. And, you know, and I'm not afraid to say that, you know, that it's, there's, there's difficult dates.

You know, not every day is great. And I'm sure not every day in Ian Bix's life is great. There's, there's obstacles that we go through. But again, like, here's my thing. My, my background and things that I've gone through, all of those obstacles, when I see an obstacle today, I don't look at it as an obstacle. I look at as an opportunity. And it's an opportunity for a multitude of different things. Like, I don't look at trauma the same way. I look at trauma as the ability to have a treasure. And that treasure can be found in the wisdom that I have through. Does it

suck? Yeah, it sucks. Like, when my dad passed away, it sucked. But I also took away the treasure that I got to spend a little bit of time with him. I got to say some things to him that I really needed to say. Because I never felt like my dad was proud of me. You know, here my brothers went off to try and, you know, become successful right in here. You know, my dad always called me a drug cop. He's like, or you're a drug dealer because I had this beard and cornrows. And, you know, he didn't really understand that. He wasn't part of that life.

And when I got divorce, that didn't make sense to my dad. And, you know, so I had, I harbored a lot of feelings. And, you know, the treasure that I have from that drama, I was able to say to him, Dad, like, it's okay. And I forgive you for some of the things you said. And I also, you know, I want you to know that I'm, you know, and he squeezed my hand. and I knew that I knew that he was telling me that it was okay

and that I was okay and that he was proud of me because you know we always want acceptance everybody wants acceptance and especially from your family and I never felt like I had that growing up you know I always felt like I could do better or I had to do better

or I had to be more I had to be more accomplished like I felt like I was I was the one like I was the heir to the throne kind of deal you know and everything was living vicarious threw me with with Mars Town beer with my life with the Navy with everything and then I go off to become a drug cop and it's like man you took a left turn there you know I was thinking you're going to be like a politician and a senator and like mayor and now you took a left turn and you're you're running with you know with the cartels but uh but yeah man and yeah I'll tell you the uh

the the biggest the scariest day was was was hitting the published book button on that book, man. It was, but I'll tell you, it was the most, it was the most freeing, you know, knowing, knowing that my, my, my, my, my, my, my darkest secrets are out there. And why I say that is because I felt like I failed, you know, Benny Jr. And after I released the book, uh, Britney's grandmother reached out to me. And I, and on Facebook, on Facebook messenger. And I just, you know, I said, I'm sorry. So I'm sorry that I didn't respond. I'm sorry that I in and go quicker. And she said, oh, Matt, don't ever, ever blame yourself. She said, we looked at you as our earth angel and we still do. And that released so much for me, so much hurt, so much

pain, so much that was weighing me down. It just, it released a backpack full of weights that I was carrying. And that's the thing about trauma, right? If you're not going to talk about it, you're not going to get through it. Like, there is so much treasure inside of every trauma if you're just willing to be to unpack it. If you don't unpack it, it's just like balloons that you're holding under water. Like, eventually one's going to slip up. And then you try to grab that one and the other ones are going to slip up.

And it's going to bring itself back up at the worst possible time in front of the worst possible people. So you might as well just deal with it now. As it comes through, just deal with your trauma. Deal with the things that you're going through. Address it, move on from it and learn from it if you can. And they call it PosterMatic Growth. And the more you're able to grow from that, the stronger than more.

Like, the best thing for me about my book is I know that today's a good day, man. And today is a great day for me. I've never had the ability to be on a podcast like this, to sit in front of, you know, an audience like this. And, you know, for everybody that's listening, man, I just, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate and I'm grateful for this. But today, tomorrow may be a bad day. And that's okay. You know, that's okay.

I know that I've been at the worst of the worst. And if there's a new rock bottom, then guess what? I just found a new rock bottom. And the only place it goes up. And that's the way I look at things. Like, I'm not scared of what tomorrow brings. I'm not scared of what tonight brings. You know, and the thing about like dealing with a lot of trauma that are people,

a lot of people don't understand is most of us are built for a connection. And what I mean by that is we go out and we want to connect with other people. We want to share a connection, whether that's a significant. other, whether it's friends, whether it's dogs, whether it's, whatever it is, like, we want to share a connection. What happens when you sustain a level of trauma is you wind up, you wind up being wired for protection, not connection. And so when you rewire yourself because of all this trauma hits, you wind up being hypervigilant about everything in your life because you're trying to protect yourself and anybody else that's around you from the things that you've seen

and done. And that in turn just transforms your entire persona. and who you are to the point where people are like, what's wrong with this guy? Why is he like that? Why is he so, ah, why is he so ah? And again, like, understanding that has been the biggest, the biggest journey for me, knowing that, like, I don't, I can, I can, I can have my back to the door.

I don't, I don't care anymore. You know, I, I don't have to look up on the rooftops anymore to see if there's a shiny object out there or the sun's going to glint off of that. I don't have to do that anymore. Because at the end of the day, I trust that whatever happens is going to happen for a reason and I'm going to get through it as it comes to me. And, you know, and I feel like I'm on my process and I'm on the path and the journey to getting back to a connection.

That makes sense. Like I was on that protection, but now I'm getting back to that connection. And it feels good. It feels good. And bless men, I'm so grateful to be here, man with you. This is phenomenal, man. I know. I love talking to you.

Can you share with us a couple of your favorite, like, undercarriage. cover stories. Yeah, so like I'm gonna give you guys a funny one, right? Because this is, because I've been like I've hit you guys hard with a lot of like heavy things. So, so. Why you're the mood up for the audience? Yeah, I was like to love this one, bro. So, so it's midday on a Sunday afternoon and I'm in a small town in in New Hampshire and I'm buying a 10 pack of weed, right? Maybe it was either a five pack or 10 back. I can't remember where it was, but it was like it was like 30 grand, right? So, so maybe it was even a 15 pack. I think it was like two grand a pound, right? And it was just like some heady

bud it was just like and these were just straight like pot smokers man and and i'm talking like patchwork like pants like they love the fish and the grateful dead like so i was a fish guy growing up right and you know bouncing around the room was a was a song that i loved and i would vibe out to and so like i kind of got in you know with these guys and so anyway so um i'm buying a 10 pack from or 10 pack or a 20 pack it was like 30 grand and so i got 30 grand of cash i'm wired up it's a Sunday afternoon and i go in there and knocking the door and we're sitting there and we're sitting there and we're sitting down like they're just ripping bong hits left and right and I'm like damn like I know they're going to ask me to to rip a hit and you know I already had it in my head like I was kind of

stuck on like what I was going to say and how I was going to like work my way through that and everything else and so like again there's like four of them we're sitting around this table and and one of the dudes is like yo bro what is what does C stand for like my so my undercover name was C Dave it's like you know what is like C stand for and again I'm wired up I got a wire right here and I don't know why I didn't say Chris or Craig but I was like man a C stands for chill and like as I said it I was like what's the wrong with me like why would I say chill and so like I was like man it actually stands for chill and like you like he just put the little like the the bar on back he looks at me he was like bro chill is fucking chill and so like these dudes are

laughing and they're like chill is chill and so like I can hear the van outside I can hear them laughing. Like, everybody's laughing. I'm like, what is wrong with me? You know? And so that's how I became Chill Davis. And so CJ Davis became Chill Davis. And so my license plate, as you, you know, outside is Chill 1. So my son has Chill 3. And so I became Chill Davis. And so I didn't, I didn't choose a regular name. Like, because when I was in undercover school, they're like, oh, you know, you don't want to lock yourself into a certain name. And I wouldn't like completely the other way on that. That's why I started out as CJ Davis, because it could stand for anything. And nobody can really find you, right? So that's the whole mental.

behind it. And, and, yeah, and so, yeah, and just, you know, and he's like, what is the C-Stamber? I don't know why I didn't just say something else. I was like, I was like, it stands for chili. Yeah. He's like, chill? I'm like, yeah, like, well, technically like chili for law, like, but chill for short, man, people just call me chill. He was like, that's fucking great, man, chill is chill. And, yeah, and on a harder side, like on a, on a different note side, like, I always, I think at the end of my, at the end of my undercover life, like I said, you know, when the guy hit me in the bar and was like, man, why are you, why are you out here having a burger and a beer? Why are you not out, you know, arresting people? After that happened, I think that,

like, I really kind of went full tilt and there was no, you know, and it's justified the means, means justify the ends kind of deal. Like, it's just people were dying left and right. And, you know, and I got to a point where I really didn't care life or death. And so, like, there's, there's multiple situations where, like, you know, a lot of times you had to get searched before you got into a certain place, right? So, like, one example, I think I was buying, like, buying like half a zip or something like that. And so as you come in, like, and I knew that I was going to get searched, but I'm not going to give up my gun because I'm not going to sit here in a room with four or five other people, right? I've got, you know, I've got $8, $900 in cash, $1,200 cash, whatever it was. And, and they're going to toss me. And if they take my gun, they're just going to put it on me, right? They're just going to take my money. And I knew that. And so, you know, I got to the point that the end where I just didn't care about life or death. Like I knew that my life was kind of falling apart at home and whatnot. And so you would get into these situations where like they would like, all right, hands out. I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. And like, what do you mean? I'm like, if, if this is what you're looking for is coming with me. And so I would literally pull a gun on on the dormant. And you're like,

you can't take that in there. I'm like, yeah, I can. Otherwise, the deal is not going to go. I'm like, call them Mr. Big and let them know, let them know that I'm out here. My money's right. And I would, you know, I'd flash roll them. A lot of times, like, it would be like $1,100 with like two one hundreds and my like multiple ones underneath that. I was like, my money's right, but my gun would be in my right hand. And I'm like, you tell me what you want to do. And I'm willing to walk, but I'm not walking in there.

And, you know, a lot of times they let me in. We're like, this white dude is crazy. And then if I was in there, a lot of times you had guys that were trying to check you, especially me being white and having this beard and like looking like I look. Like they were like, this dude is just fake. and and so some of the things that I would do is I would check them. And my partners would, so I had a partner J-Lo and another partner gift. They're like, but you've got to stop, bro.

Like, you're going to get us killed. So we would be in a play. And I'm dealing with you. You're at the table. You're packaging things up. Money's right, this, that, and the other. And I would see a dude over here, and he would just be staring at me and, you know, just mad-dogging me. And I would lose my shit.

So I just absolutely lose my shit to the point where like I'm like bro stare at me one more fucking time to see what's gonna happen to you I'm like if you think you can pull that thing in your waistband for us and I'm gonna pull this in my waistband Try it and see what happens. I'm like can you please tell this you know? You know? You know all these are I would just lose my mind and just rattle off at this guy I'm like go ahead do it the moment you move I'm moving to and if you think you're fast then go ahead and do it And I could see like my part like please Lord don't just can you stop you know And I think that's what made me successful because at the end of the day they're like this dude doesn't play man and and and I think the majority of that is just I didn't care

you know, you just got to a point where like you know, I think the cartel scared me a lot more than than anybody else because the value of life that they had isn't there and I knew that you see you see guys because again I think about it like as a copo

I mean you're not how long are you going to stay in power before somebody's going to take you down or you're going to get deported you're going to get hit with an IRS charge or whatever you know because again most people don't know that you can't spend more than 10 grand, right, without being flagged. You spend 10 grand, one dollar, you're getting flagged. And so you have all the money in the world, but you don't have the ability to do anything with it. And so you got stacks upon stacked, but you can't go buy cars. You

can't walk in and buy a Lamborghini. You can't go buy a house because they're going to ask where that money came from. And the moment you get flagged, the flag is going to come back to the cartel, they're going to take you right out of power. And the next guy is up. And so their value of life is just different, not like ours. Like we, we have a life expectancy. They just, their life expectancy is like 18 months in power. So, you know, things like that. Like, they scare me.

Did you ever have your cover blown at all or any close calls? So I had one guy that was at the high school with me. And so the way we did things, so we had the entire state of New Hampshire, right? And so like you never kind of shut where you eat. And what I mean about that is I would never do an undercover play in my hometown. Because everybody, it doesn't matter if you have cornrows and a beer. People are like, that's still. that, you know, that's still the SRO. That's still our old lacrosse coach. So I would, I would be

the control agent and bring in another undercover in my town. And so you never kind of shot where you ate, if that makes sense. And, and so, but in my hometown, I had, I had a gentleman, and I won't give the name, but I had a gentleman that went to the high school with me, I said, the SRO. And, and as we were, you know, as we were in high school together, man, he was just, he was a, he was a, he was a, he would walk around the hallways, flip me off. He was like, you know, effing Officer Griffin or whatever. And I'm like, okay, yep, we'll just say his first name is Josh. And I'll be like, well, I'm like, your time's coming, Josh.

Like, it is, I promise you. And he actually got done a couple of times before I got to the Drug Task Force. However, he knew me. Like, he was a very smart kid. I give him a lot of problems, man. If he decided to do anything legal on the legal side, he'd probably be a millionaire. And he, yeah, he always knew I had this black maxima. And he always knew where the black maxima was.

And I remember one time I saw him coming out of a of a of a hotel. And so I quickly called one of my one of the patrol guys. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, he just came out. And I was just going to say his last name. I'm glad I didn't. I'm like, he just came out of the hotel, man. He just had to, had to serve somebody up. So let's make the traffic stop.

We make the traffic stop. And the dog hits on the car and we do a search one of the car. There's nothing in it. But in the back of the car was a notebook. And in the notebook was the names of everyone. one of my undercover officer partners, their actual names, the cars that they drove. And then you also had all of my family members. So my sons, where they went to school, my, my ex-wife's address and everything else. And so, you know, that's the part where it kind of became a little too

close to home. It's like, why you have my kids' names in a notebook? Like, I thought this was cops against robbers. You know, I thought this was good guys against bad guys. If I pinch you, or are you going to do something? My kids, you're going to put a hit on somebody? And, yeah, that came a little too close to home. But that's the only time that I really got blown. I had a prostitute call me out. So what happens is in the prostitution world, so you only have one undercover number, right? So I have my personal phone number and I got my undercover number.

And again, you can change it, but it's a process to get that number change, right? Because you've got to do memos and everything else. And so what happens in the prostitution world is once you pinch somebody, they take that number and they blow it up and they have like their own chat rooms, like prostitutes in the area have like their own way of communicating. They have different like. So this one girl had hit me up

And she was supposed to meet over at the hotel And so I'm waiting there for like 45 minutes And I text her from my undercover phone And I said, are you on your way or what? Like, what's the deal? And she said, not today, Detective Griffin. I was like, oh, out. I'm like, okay.

Your day's coming though. But that's the only time really that anybody Never got put in a position where, you know, there's a drawdown or anything like that. Were you guys cracking down hard on prostitution? Yeah, so like, here's the problem. I'll be like real talk about it.

It's it's hard to get complete buy-in when it comes to prostitution because there's a lot of people that are involved in prostitution. And anytime you do a prostitution sting, you wind up arresting people that you really don't want to arrest. And like, y'all can make your own assumptions about that.

But it winds up being a lot, I think it's great. I think it's valuable. However, yeah, it makes for, it makes for a long day politically, especially when like sometimes you get city council members, sometimes mayors, sometimes you get other cops,

sometimes you get firefighters, sometimes like, so there's a lot of things that happen with it. So it's kind of like this, this unspoken rule like, hey guys, like, let's only do this every once in a while because there's a lot of, there's a lot of shakeout from it. And we saw that a couple times.

And, yeah, you know, I remember going through a, what we call a confidential form, it was a form. were prostitute. I remember going through the phone and there was a number that I know was issued to to certain certain people inside of inside of city government. I'm like here you go. I'm out. Yep. You know, back to, you know, bringing it up to the higher chain of command. So like that was always a tough part. But I think again, there's a lot of, from a prostitution standpoint, it, you know,

from a human trafficking standpoint is why we're always so passionate about it. And, and again, And even today you look around and it's like it's still so rampant. And, you know, I'll never unsee the things that I saw and the things that we did. And because what I mean by that is, is like I look around. I see, you know, I see all the massage parlors. I see all the different, you know, now it's a different day in Asia the way they go about this. And it's like, it's like people don't realize what's happening right next to them. It's literally right next to every single city in this town, in this country.

It's happening. And, you know, a lot of times, like, I like, I'm like, I'm sure Christmas Eve I'll tell the story People are like what I'm like yeah I'll pull it up right now I'll pull up rubmash right now and show you exactly Where the the closest Prostitution massage parlor is

And they're like no way I'm like yeah man it's literally 0.5 miles like I go to the deli right next to that It's like yeah So you know things like that Do you believe in those laws though Like I understand like I'm against like trafficking And all of that but like if someone is Want to hell no I'm all about that

Like if you there's a service that you And somebody wants to provide that service. Absolutely. Like I don't get what the issue is. I mean, that's no different than an only fans right now where people are, 100%. Uh, subcribing. Yep. Or porn in a way, because they're getting paid to, to hook up with someone else. Yep. I have zero issues with it other than the human driving. If you're doing it against your will, that's where, that's where I have a problem with. And I always say, like, prostitutes on the, on a whole were my best confidential importance because they knew everybody. And they were just great, they're great to work with.

To be honest with you, a lot of times, like, if you got a decent process, that wasn't strung out and just doing it for, you know, they were great to work with. And but their hustle was, was, I remember like I had flipped this one, this one prostitute and she was, she was, she was going to work for me. And I got home that night and all of a sudden I got like a naked picture and like, hey, can I wear this the next time? You know, we're, oh, she said, where can I hide the wire? Ha, ha, ha. And I was like, oh, man. I'm like, now what do I do? Right. Do I like, do I tell my boss, I just got a negative picture from my confidential form it. Do I...

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So, yeah. How, if ever, were you able to make amends with your family for choosing that line of work and the ramifications that came from it that you were telling us about earlier? Yeah, great, great question, man. That was the divorce was the toughest. I felt like my family turned their back on me doing my divorce. And I think that was one of the things that really was kind of one of the final straws for me prior to,

prior to Warren to end my life. And there really hasn't been full on like, hey, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, or I'm sorry for this, or I'm sorry for that. But I had to make a piece of it. Now, my younger sister was phenomenal through the whole situation. she she would call me all the time like listen I don't care what happens I don't care what's going on with your ex-wife I don't care where you're at I just want to know that you're okay and that that always that always made sense my older brother and I we struggled my older sister and I we struggled she my older sister was very good about I should say good she was terrible about spreading things around right if she had an idea or she had a theory or she had whatever or rumor it would make its way around And so I want him not talking to one of my sisters for a while because I didn't, I didn't want my words to get misunderstood. And so, you know, and I think that was a problem because I put my head down and I wouldn't talk to anybody.

And I think once I was ready to kind of reemerged and take my head out of the sand and say, look, like, I need to own my own stuff. But Jolly also need to own your stuff. And, you know, to this day, my, you know, my mother and my ex-wife, my boy's mother, they're still good friends. And during the divorce, that hurt. It's like, look, like, I'm your son. I need help. You know, and, you know, I felt like they helped my ex-wife because they thought that I was this piece of shit drug cop. And I was, you know, doing this, that, and the other on, you know, on the side and everything else when I wasn't.

And so that took a lot to get over. And I think that at the end of the day, I really had to make peace with what I could control and what I couldn't control. And so, you know, the, I think like the type A aspect of who I was as an undercover. really once I was able to let go of that identity and and just get back to who Matt was and who Matt Griffin is and just be proud of who I am I think it made it a little bit easier for me to say hey I forgive you and I know you're not apologizing but I'm just telling you that in my life I forgive you for for how you treated me during that time and I'm sure I could have done better but at the end of the day I just need to support you know I'm going through the toughest of the tough this the worst

of the worst and like I remember I was going to do an undercover play I think I was buying like a half a kilo at the Rockingham Mall up in Mass. And I have my under, it was like a 45 minute drive, right? So I have my undercover phone. And I, so before you, before you go in a buy, like you wash yourself, right? We call it washing, wash your car, watch yourself.

Make sure you don't have anything from, from who you actually are to, so you watch your car. Like you'd have somebody else wash a car. Not like soap and clam, but go through it. Make sure there's no police stuff, no affidavits, no, you know, anything that, because of somebody checks you. And so I have, we hadn't watched my car yet.

So I still had my personal phone. And I was going to divorce and I'm getting ready to go by like a half a kilo or a kilo at the right. Hey, mom, my mom sends me a message. And I still have it. She's like, I hope God strikes you down for your decisions. I'm like, the fuck, man.

I'm like, come on, mom. You know, like you put me in a mood right now. And that's what I mean. Like, I get into these deals and I'm like, yeah, go on. Let's strike me down. Let's do this. And I had to release the anger that I had from that. and I had to release the fact that I felt like I was doing something great for my community,

but my family didn't realize it. And, yeah, I mean, that's a great question because it's still, to this day, it's taking me a lot, and there's a lot of trigger points where people will, I'll say something. And if my words get turned back around, and I just kind of back out. And but I think family is very important. And I've made a conscious effort to make sure that my family is involved in my life in the decisions that I've made because at the end of the day, you don't get that time back. and, you know, I don't want to be, I don't want to be just like losing my dad.

I don't want to have regrets with my mom or with anybody else in my family, because, again, at the end of the day, time's short, man, life is short. It goes quick. One of the benefits of a law enforcement career is that you see how quick life is. You see, you know, I remember we had a fatal traffic accident, and the lady was driving home from work on 101 and an 18-wheeler hitter. and her husband showed up to the scene and he was slamming the cell phone in my face.

She's like, she just said, I'll be home at 15 minutes, turn the oven on to 300 degrees. And he couldn't believe because he was going through the shock. And you see things like that, and you remember that. And you're like, man, it's too, it's not worth it. And that's kind of where I landed. It's just not worth it. And I don't have the energy to be bitter.

And I think as success for me evolves, if that makes sense, like once. So when I left law and forth, I didn't have a pot to pissing. I know what I was going to do. And I think when I wrote the book, I think my family and my ex-wife. And my ex-wife was one of the first people to read my book. And I remember, like, I had released it.

I had, you know, I wasn't even talking to her at this point. And she sends me a text. She's like, read your book, period. I'm like, sweet. Like, so like, what do you do? You respond? Like, and okay? Thank you for the support.

Like, what do you say to that? And I was like, okay. And so she called me. And we talked for an hour. She's like, I didn't know this stuff. Like, yeah, I know. I mean, you asked me not to tell you. You didn't want to deal with it. You didn't want to hear about, you know, about prostitutes, about shootings about this. You don't want to hear about guns going off. You don't want to hear about, you know, me having, you know, the slack out of my trigger ready to take somebody's head off because I thought I was going to die. And, you know, you don't want to have that. And, you know, you don't want to have that. And, you know, my mom read the, read the book. And, you know, you know, and she lives down in the Outer Banks now, and we sat and we talked about it.

And she goes, man, I didn't know that you felt that way, you know, about a lot of things. I said, yeah. I said, when I needed you the most, when I needed you to have my back and to stand with me, you didn't. And I said, Mom, that was very difficult for me to take. And, you know, even my second divorce, like I made a very bad decision with my second marriage.

And I said, what I needed you the most, you were the most distant from me. and, you know, and I was able to say that, but I was also to say it's okay, and I forgive you, and I love you, you're my mom. And, you know, because again, like, how am I going to say to somebody else, like, you know, you're not allowed to have a fault.

I mean, I got four boys at home, and trust me, like, I've failed them miserably many times, and I try every day to be a better dad and a better person than them. But, I mean, if they're not going to forgive me, right, then, you know, I've got to show them how I'm able to forgive. because otherwise they're not going to be able to forgive me.

And so, but great question, man. What is, do you think the life lesson that people from all sides of the criminal justice system can take away from your story, you know, victims, family members, law enforcement, and former people that were incarcerated? Yeah, man, I think that like, I mean, I think that the number one lesson is that we're all human.

And, you know, it's okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's not okay to stay that way, I think, is really what I want to, you know, to get through and look like whatever side you find yourself on, whether it's being incarcerated, whether it's being on the side of the criminal justice side as a cop, whether it's as a family member of a cop, whether it's in corporate America, no matter what it is, like we're all going to go through trauma. We're all going to get stuck in that trauma, and I want you to know that it doesn't end there. and it doesn't stop there. And if you can pause, if you can breathe, if you can look at it and you can find a way to stop digging and address that trauma and get through it,

you're going to be such a better person through it. And just understanding that today's traumas, tomorrow's treasure. I mean, without the trials and tribulations I had, I want to be sitting here. I wouldn't have this testimony. I wouldn't have the ability to be on the E&BIC, you know, locked-in podcast. And that goes for everybody out there.

No matter what you're going through, if you take it and you use it and strengthen. I don't want to be cliche about it, but like, just don't give up. I almost made the worst decision in my life, and it took a best friend of mine to say, man, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Know that.

Know that the darkest, you know, the darkest, the souls that have seen the darkest days can shine the brightest lights. And whatever you're going through today, give it another day. That's it, man. Give it another minute. Give it another second.

Give it another hour. Give it another 24. If you feel like that today, give it to tomorrow. And if you do the one thing that I told you, man, and you do something nice for somebody else, man, I promise you all of a sudden it's going to, the world's going to open up for you. And it was, it's, I think it's a recipe for success

when it comes down to it. It's a blueprint. It's a roadmap. Just choose to do something good for somebody else. And it doesn't have to be monetarily. Just get somebody a hug, man. Just buy somebody a coffee. Or just say something,

to the next person that you see at the gas station. I'm like, hey, I really like that jacket. I hope you have a really merry Christmas. I hope you have a great holiday season. I hope you have a really nice New Year's. They're not expecting it, especially up here in the Northeast, you know. But yeah, that would be my message to everybody, man, is that you can make it.

You can get through this. You may be at the lowest of your low right now, but just know that the only way is up. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day, man. You're gonna get through it. I promise you hear me. You can do this. Matt, I appreciate you coming on today, man.

Absolutely. Incredible conversation. Absolutely. You tell your story beautifully. Man, thank you very much. Caring yourself up for when you go on the bigger shows, man. But I'm glad to say I was your first and I can't wait to see you up on those other ones. Man, I appreciate it.

I mean, I hope that, you know, I think I was talking about the screen right, man. I hope that we can find, you know, every nose closer to a yes, man. And I'm really hoping that we can take this story and put it on to the big screen. and yeah, I'm going to keep searching, man. Every day I'm going to make a phone call and say, hey, are you interested in my screenplay? Yeah, you'll get there, man. Every know, the closer to it, yes. Everything will work out, man.

You just keep pushing and, you know, much success to you in 2025. Man, thank you so much you ever having me on here. I really appreciate it, brother. All right, so before we wrap up, I just wanted to add one more thing, and I know if you've made it this far, I wanted to just be vulnerable to. I know I'm asking you to be vulnerable. I'm asking you to make that phone call and make that text message. And so in turn, I want to be vulnerable to.

And this is what's called spoken word poetry. It's something that I'm very passionate about. Something that I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to release to the public because it's something that I care and I'm passionate about. And so I want to share this with you with the audience here and hopefully you like it. This is called a light. They say when you die, you see it. A light at the end of the tunnel.

Like a train coming out of the darkness. A bullet flashing suddenly. It's 10.02 p.m. on March 17, 2017. The gun on my hand feels almost weightless. It's been two weeks since my partner committed suicide. Combined that with my ex, putting my bank accounts on ice, and this is a bitter mixture. The kind where you just tilt your head back fast,

close your eyes, and hope you don't notice the burn of the shot. Exist tunnel? It only moves in one direction. One way down. One choice and not even one thing left to live for. So tired of the strain of my son seeing their father as a failure. but I have to be strong for them. The zeros is midnight and military time.

I wrote my suicide note. The final words, all that'll be left to me and it reads like a poem. It's 10.51 p.m. Do you remember your first dead body? I do. I saw more trauma in one day than most will see in a lifetime.

Can someone tell me it's going to be okay? Can someone say that these nightmares will go away? If you're not strong enough to see it, then it's not the job for you. Save my firecrackers. Save my firecrackers. She screamed as her two-year-old took his last breath in my mouth or in CPR Like the hollow eyes of men with guns their temples those last moments embedded like bullets and skulls and drywall

The flash noise of violence the blood splattered the shattered bones my voice echoes between screams the last voice I ever hear Don't do this take a breath The smiling family photos in the walls of the person that was just alive seconds ago We were taught to normalize nightmares as an occupational hazard we speak crisis like a learned language. Look at the clock. It's 11.13 p.m. We are all one step away.

One choice, one accident, one missed up from having ourselves lost to our own darkness because these addictions, they take our hands. They tell us that we are worthy of stealing good again, that we deserve even slays relief from the secrets that we've been forced to carry. Silence we've been told to shoulder. I feel the pull to forget. I know the pleasure of wanting to escape this pain, these broken memories that these pieces that I have.

I've gathered together that could resemble someone worth saving, but sometimes the mirror breaks from the weight of its own reflection. The gun in my hand feels heavier now. It's almost time. The clock reads 1145 p.m. Who you are to be, you are now becoming. That's what Aristotle said. So who am I?

I'm the cop in the car that you hate because I was seconds too late. Don't you have something better to do? Yeah. Tonight I sure do. I read my note. One more time. Even when the curtain closes for us, so all the show will live on.

I've lived the best life I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough, but I can't be now. I want to see that light, but maybe that light is never coming. Maybe the only light is the one that is here, the one that I hold in my hand. Flash in the dark. Lightning bolt. Choose.

Choose. Who you are to be. You are now becoming? Well, I'm becoming free of the memories that I was trained to swallow, like the knot in my throat, the canary, and the coal mine. Look, guys, why can't we talk about this? Countdown begins. I'm tired.

I'm ready to leave this all behind. It's 1158. It's 1159. And it happens. A flash in the dark. Not from my hand is my phone. Someone's calling the last voice out here in the name. It appears.

It's a friend. It's Ben. Griff, let's get together. I've got something to do just for an hour. Maybe tomorrow, Ben. I think of my body slumped over the steering. Well, the police officer at the scene. A scene I've seen so many times before.

there's light at the end of the tunnel, he says, and I decide, okay, I'll come by. Because tomorrow was still a good day to die. Well, guess what? Tomorrow turned into a week, a week into a month and a month and a year, and all it took was one person to be there, one person to say it's going to be okay. Look, I'm not trying to tell you that's going to get better,

but I will say that it gets easier. Because if you go through it, you'll get through it. So this is for you. To all the men and women, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, law enforcement, military alike, who didn't get a chance to see the light, who didn't have the signposts to lead them to get the help that they needed. Because the number one leading cause of death in the police and military, it's not homicide. It's suicide.

We are tough enough to talk about it. We are strong enough to ask for help because there, when the darkness pressures you down, realize that you can make it one step at a time. With every person you share, with every story you put down, with every boulder you drop, one by one you will discover dawn because the tunnel isn't the end the only way out is through and that my friend is where the light lies ahead for you thank you very much god bless everybody out there merry christmas happy new year