Locked In with Ian Bick - Inside the Harsh Reality of a Pill Addict’s Life | John Tatro

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

John Tatro shares his struggles with pill addiction, the hold it had on his life, and the breaking point that made him seek change. #PillAddiction #SubstanceAbuse #TrueStory #MentalHealth #RecoveryJourney #OpioidEpidemic #HardTruth #lifestruggles Thank you to LUCY for sponsoring today’s episode: Let’s level up your nicotine routine with Lucy.  Go to HTTP://LUCY.CO/IANBICK and use promo code (IANBICK) to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind.  Connect with John Tatro: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TacoTatro?mibextid=LQQJ4d Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://convictclothing.net/collections/convict-clothing-x-ian-bick Timestamps: 00:00:00 The Journey from Iowa to Connecticut Pizza Limitations 00:04:34 Struggles with Identity and Crime 00:09:02 Navigating a Turbulent Childhood 00:13:41 Aspirations of a Musician: From Dreams to Reality 00:18:22 Arrest and First Experience in Juvenile Detention Center 00:23:03 Life in County Jail: A Harsh Reality 00:27:53 Exploring Drug Addiction and Its Consequences 00:32:30 Overcoming Adverse Beginnings 00:37:22 Repeated Arrests for Driving on Suspended License 00:41:40 Life in a County Jail 00:47:18 The Wild Night of Car Shopping 00:50:54 Overcoming Addiction and Finding Stability 00:55:38 Transition from Survival Mode to Sobriety 01:00:19 Arrest and Family Loyalty 01:05:41 Overcoming Systemic Injustice 01:09:33 Finding Simplicity in Life 01:14:16 A Heartfelt Farewell and Safe Travels Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Multi-vehicle discount. Safe driver discount? New vehicle discount. Storage discount. How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usa.com slash auto discounts. Restrictions apply. John, A.K. Taco, welcome to Lockton, man.

Hell yeah, man. Where do you come from to get here today? Today I came from, well, we came from Iowa. Wow. You might be our first Iowa guest. You've been listening to the podcast. Maybe you could tell me. No, I don't think there was anybody from Iowa.

Okay. And you had quite a journey to get here. You guys tried Stanziados and Bamberry. Best Pizza in Connecticut. Shout out to them. Yeah. Honestly, I like Stanziados better than Pepe's. See, and that you put that one first, so that's why I was like, oh, we got to go try that place.

Like, because you even put the exclamation points on it. I was using voice to text, but. Hey, that's all good. It felt your emotion. I always tell people to go to Stanziados. I don't know. I guess if you're a more traditional New York style pizza, you'll like like a Pepe's. But Sandiados, I like, like, the personal wood-fired pizza.

The cross the way that it was was so good. Like it just had the perfect amount of crunch versus like a lot of pizza places. They'll come out like kind of rubbery after it sits for like five or ten minutes. But that wasn't like that. Yeah. And they have a lot of other entrees and stuff over there too. Yeah, no, but I got to get right to pizza, bro. Pizza is where it's at.

That's awesome, man. Well, you know, thanks for coming out this way. Thank you for having me, man. Yeah, for the audience, I am a little stuffy because I've been battling a cold. Nothing serious, but it just won't go away. but we got to push through it, so I got my hot apple cider and my turmeric shot, and I'll push through this puppy. Ready to rock and roll. Yeah.

So do you grow up in Iowa your whole life? No, no. Where were you born? So I was born in Florida in Newport Richie, which I don't even know where that's at. I don't know where it's at either. But my family traveled most of my childhood. So I was born in Florida, grew up in Lake Havasu City in Arizona. That's where the London Bridge is.

But so then went from there. Tennessee, like we traveled, you know, most of my, like, childhood. Tennessee, Colorado, California, like, all these places. Michigan, lived down Michigan for a while. Who was it? Your mom, dad? So I grew up with my great-grandfather. That's how we ended up in Arizona, right?

And so I lived with him until I was like seven years old. And then when he passed away, it was kind of like a toss-up between like, am I going to go with like my mom or my grandma? So it was me, my mom, grandma, grandpa, great-grandpa, and my sister. And, yeah, so we were just our own little clan. Like, we have a big Taitro family, but like it was just our little, like, clan that, like, stuck together. So then when my grandparents started, like, obviously passing away and stuff, I would go in between like with my mom

But then like when I was seven when my great grandpa passed away There was a police officer like a local police officer in Havasu in Arizona And they had like kind of met each other like in a like in a barbershop And when he passed away he actually came into the picture and like kind of saw like how our family was going Because like my family loved to gamble and like just live like pay paycheck to paycheck and we were just kind of like living by the seat of our pants man like that was our whole get down were you guys living in like an RV or something no no we get like we get rentals like house rentals and we be there for like probably like four to six months usually we wouldn't stay in

like any place for like longer than a year um typically and uh so yeah so when my great grandpa passed away and then his name was clint the guy that took me in and he was just like trying to show me like a different way of life because like my mom always said like you know like that she wasn't like a drug user or whatever but like the people that she was getting with like the men that she was with were all messed up man like they were always like beating her ass and like so like you would just see like one two three in the morning like i can still remember it now like little like flashbacks of like you know different like spousal abuse that was like going on with them and and so he tried to take me out of that

and kind of like show me like a new life which like was like just shocking you know compared to like all the madness and craziness like we ended up like living in hotels like multiple times throughout like growing up and uh so yeah when Clint came into the picture like he really showed me like the way but I like I fought him every like step

of the way because like I was kind of in between like wanting to be a good person but I was also like infatuated with like the fast lifestyle and like being a criminal and like I wanted to go to prison like when I was a young child like and it infatuated me like when I looked at it I was like that's the kind of place so like I can go in there I could be the top dog fight fight people like just dumb shit man what was it about that that attracted you to it um I think it was just like The idea of being locked down for some reason, like it was just like, maybe it was like movies or something that I watched when I was younger or like being a gangster. Like I wanted to be a gangster so bad. I'm so glad that I didn't get into a gang because I would probably be dead, you know, because that's only, you know, one of two ways, right? That are in jail. And most people told me I wouldn't make it to, you know, the age than I am now.

Like I'm 32 now. But like people are like, there's no way. gonna live past your 20s, you know? So, but yeah, I don't know what it was that, like, infatuated me so much about it. I think it was because I was probably looking for, like, a father figure because I didn't, I never met my dad, like my birth father.

But I looked for him and stuff, like, when I was, like, a young kid. My mom, like, told me stories. What did she say happened to him? So I guess they met in, like, a sizzlers or something. That's where she was working. And he was older, much old. her because she had me when she was 16 and he was just like in his 30s or something like that so they shacked up or whatever and then from what I understand he might even be like an immigrant

or something like that and they met in California so whose idea was it to send you with your grandfather was it your grandfather's idea or yeah he he didn't want it any other way okay so he knew what the situation was right when you were born yeah and I'm the oldest do you remember how old you were when he first explained to you the situation? My great-grandfather? Yeah, when he was raising you, like, there must have been a time where he must have been like, hey, your mom's not in the picture right now. Well, she was around, though.

Oh, she was always around? Yeah, she was always around. I know you said she was traveling with you guys later on, but she was always there. They were always close, yeah. So, but she lived with my grandma and grandpa. And then who I was with was my grandmother's father. So, but yeah, they were always close-knit. Like, they always moved in a pack.

Were you looking at other kids that were around you? Like maybe in school or just in life and you're like, wow, they live a totally different life. Yeah, every time, bro. And I always wanted what they had, you know. And I didn't know how to like get there, obviously. I wasn't like, I was almost like not okay with being complacent in that situation. I knew that we were struggling. Like I knew we were struggling from the jump.

And I was like, I just want to, I want to be something big, you know? Like when I was a kid, like I just wanted to, I wanted to be a million things, right? But they were all like big aspirations. And so I'd always just chase after that. But I think I had like ADHD, man or ADD. And I couldn't like, I couldn't like lock into the idea of the things that I was trying to achieve. So it made it like more difficult. And they tried to send me to like like therapy and like occupational like therapy and things like that.

but I wouldn't even like stick with those people. I'd just be be out. And I think that's where like I started doing drugs because of that. I don't think I like I don't think it was because of pain or experience or anything like that. Like I just wanted to like always chase the feeling of being normal. And now that I'm like older, I'm like, I don't got to be normal. We got to be different. Like just be who I am, right?

Like I feel like that's what people now are struggling with too though because we all want to conform to like the certain idea. But yeah, so I mean, when he passed away, Clint came in the picture and like he really did like give me that vision of how to be a good man, right? But like I would just, like I said, I pushed everything, all those things away. And like every time a good opportunity would come, I'd shit on it. And I was like self-destructive, you know?

and yeah so I mean that was all the way from when I was nine years old I was on and off with him between him and my mom and my grandparents and there was like he can never like actually adopt me so I could just like switch back and forth between the two whenever I wanted which actually made it much more like critically like bad because whenever I didn't like something that he was telling me to do I just go back to them and like just back and forth and back and forth

and I actually like destroyed my relationship with them because of those things you know because I manipulate between the two of them like oh well I don't like this this week so I'm gonna go back here

and tell them that you know he's being mean to me or saying whatever you know just being a kid not realizing but as we got older like we rekindled like now I'm 32

he was only 22, when he had taken me in. So there's only like a small age gap there. So we grew through it. And I was just out there. He takes care of like fostering kids and stuff like that now. And I feel like I had a part in that, you know. And so I didn't completely like kill his dream of that.

Yeah, when I was, the drug addiction and stuff didn't even start until like much later in the game. Like I was like 18, 19 years old when I actually was like starting to do drugs. Because that's when I was like trying to find myself, you know. What was your school situation like traveling around so much? Did it exist at all? Not really. I mean, I would go. Like I'd get into a new school or whatever and it was just kind of like, I was there present physically.

But like there was no like connection with me in school. I just couldn't stick. Like now maybe it would be different. But yeah, I would just, I'd go. I'd sleep most of the time. And it just wouldn't pay attention to anything. It was like more of like a like a camaraderie where like we were just hanging out and like talking to people. Like but I didn't notice that like I was the person that wasn't paying attention.

But like actually like people were paying attention, but I was just not with it. I was thinking about like even when I was like a teenager like like young teenager I was like oh I got to get money like I got to you know go get go to work you know and make sure that like because at that time I was back with my grandparents and my mom and like I was thinking like we're going to be broke you know so I have to like get out there and hustle and like get the money so that like we can eat this week or whatever you know so we were living off social security checks like primarily. but yeah school was pretty much non-existent. Did you have any friends or was it hard because you bounced around? Yeah, no. There was always people that I connect with. Like, Havasu was kind of our go-to place when like shit would go bad. Shit would go sour somewhere else.

So like there was always like the group of people. Like I have like my brothers like now that have been with like sticking around with me since we were like real young. And my brother Matthew, I think I don't know if I had told you about. him but he's in the Arizona state prison right now dealing with his bid and my brother Matthew, Chad, Ryan and Tyler.

Not blood brothers, just friends. Yeah. I mean like the family dynamic for me is like it doesn't have to be blood. You know, like you find people along the way that help you become a better person and a bigger person and like just use that you know to

to stick around. If they stick around then that's good bro. You know, that's family me, you know. How would people describe you as a person? I know loyal was probably one of them the way you were just describing yourself. No, yeah, yeah. But how else as a kid? Oh, they thought it was crazy, you know? Like, they're like, he's just off the wall. I was a people pleaser, big time. Like, uh, I wanted to fit in, but like, I didn't even realize now people explain it to me and they're like, dude, like you were the guy, you know? And I was like, I didn't even know who I was, bro. I was like, but yeah, typically when I was younger, like, just a crazy kid.

But also, like, very friendly, polite and kind. And I didn't like hurting people. Like, there was people that I knew that, like, actually, like, got off on hurting people. And, like, that just wasn't me. So, like, typically, like, I'd be the guy that, like, would help somebody out and usually get, you know, screwed over in the end. But, I mean, it's never deterred me. Or your dreams, goals, aspiration, and life, if you had any at the time. Yeah, no, I always had big dreams.

So I wanted to be a musician when I was. was very young, I would, like, sit in front of the TV and, like, do, like, songs and dances, like, to, I think it was, like, even, like, in sync and Backstreet Boys, like, but then when I heard the, my mom showed me the Marshall Mathers LP, like, the first one, original one. And after I heard that, I was, like, I want to be a rapper, you know, so I did, I did do a lot of rap, too. I performed in, uh, in Detroit at the St. Andrews Hall, like, which is, like, the shelter, like,

is like downstairs in the basement or whatever. But yeah, that was like my big aspiration was to be a musician, do some sort of art. I also wanted to eventually be a prison guard. Thought about doing that when I was younger. So I was kind of like in between, you know, on the back and forth of like, did I want to be a prisoner or did I want to be a guard, right?

Why prison guard? I don't know, bro. Just to be in the environment. I don't know like why it was like that, but that is definitely. like one thing I did. I enjoyed the, like the prison movies, for instance. Like, I really actually enjoy them.

Even though I know, like, a lot of it's, like, pumped up and stuff. Like, I like the idea of just being there. I don't know what it is. It's just kind of, like, always drawn towards that. Did you end up graduating high school? No, no. What happened? So when I was 16,

I was with the girl, right? And I ended up getting her pregnant. And so when she got pregnant, I ended up, they were talking about, like, doing, like, open adoption and things like that. And that was right off the rip. And I was like, there's no way, like, that you're going to, I'm just going to move real quick. Yeah. I was like, there's no way that, can you hear me good? Yeah, you could pull it a little closer.

Okay. I was like, there's no way that I'm going to. to like give up my baby, you know. So I think that, uh, because all my siblings were adopted, minus me and my sister. Like, and some of them I've never met. So I was like, there's no way I'm going to like leave my kid and then like not be in her life forever. At 16 years old, I was like, I'm just going to do it. I'm going to be an adult and just handle it. And they were like, no way, no way, no way. And then one morning I woke up and my dad was at work. He was a police officer. At that time, he had become a detective. So this is years down the road from when I met him.

And I stole his truck. And I got my best friend Dylan and my baby's mom and her sister, no license, and just stole his car. And I took like his credit cards and I took a knife. And I dipped out to Yuma. I didn't even know where I was going. Like I was just like, oh, well, we're going to get out of here. Like, we're going to sell this car. to some random person or like try to trade it and then we'll go from yuma to california and then i don't know what we were going to do there i thought with my young brain that there were the only way that you can track a car would be through like the on star in the mirror or whatever there's very much so a tracker in the engine or like around that area and uh so we made it to yuma

and i'm leaving a paper trail you know so i'm swiping it for gas and I went to like a, excuse me, a surf shop and like bought a like a skateboard and like just random shit that we didn't need. And, yeah, that was my first felony traffic stop ever in my life, like just a line of police officers like following this car down the main road in Yuma, Arizona in the middle of nowhere. And they thought we were going to Mexico, which like, I didn't even know where I was going, like I said. And yeah, they pulled us over. And then, uh, We all got taken home. Luckily, because he was the police officer, there was, like, some, you know, great areas where, like, he did, like, make it work for us.

But, yeah, he took us back from Yuma, back to Havasu. And he's like, dude, he's like, what the fuck? Like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I don't even know. I was like, I just want to keep my kid, you know? Like, that's A1. No question about it. He's like, well, you could have just talked to me about that.

And then we get back to the, to our house in Arizona. Or in like Kavisu. And I walk into my room. My whole room's like, like broke down to nothing. Like I have a bed and no clothes, nothing in there. Like he was just going to like jail, right? And I was there for five minutes, dude. And I popped out the window and just started walking down the street.

And he tried to stop me, dude. He was like, don't go, like just stay here and we're going to figure it out. And I was like, I flipped them off and I just kept walking. And I went. I shaved my head, which I had, like, you know, I got like pretty long hair. I've always kept it pretty long. And I shaved my head and I pierced my ears for some reason. And I was like, we're getting out of here, you know?

And I went to my baby mama's house. And I was like, look, I was like, I don't know what we're going to do now. I was like, you're pregnant. I was like, I'm about to be on the run. Like at 16 years old, I was like, we're just going to figure it out. And I left there, not even 20 minutes later, dude, I was arrested. and they were locking down theft of means of transportation and fraud. And so, like, that was my first arrest where I was like, okay, like, I'm going to jail.

And, yeah, they took me into the juvenile detention center in Kingman, Arizona. And I just sat there for, I think it was like three months that I did there, where they were, like, figuring out if they were going to charge me with those charges or if they were going to try to drop them down. And they ended up, I did the 90 days, and then they dropped the charges off completely. So he's still trying to help me at that point. And like, I don't even remember where my mom was.

I think they were in like Tennessee at that time. Like my whole little clan was out there. So they're still out there, you know, boom, boom, hitting different moves or whatever. Wait, if your dad was a cop, why did he abandon you as a kid? No, this is my adoption dad. This is the adoption dad. Yeah.

The original dad, I don't know what that dude's deal was. So this is a guy that actually cared for you when he adopted you. Oh, yeah. Went out of his way for me. This is after your grandparents passed. After my great-grandfather passed, yeah. Yeah. And did your sister get adopted too by the same guy?

No. She stayed with my, with my family, like our little clan. Are you craving a nicotine experience that's both flavorful and satisfying? Lucy Breakers have got you covered. These tobacco-free pouchers deliver 100% pure nicotine. But what really sets them apart? The flavor capsule inside, just pop it open and boom, a burst of extra flavor and hydration to keep you going. I'm all about cinnamon.

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Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Now let's get back into today's episode. Okay. Yeah. Wow. You would think that your path would have went a little differently,

getting adopted into a police officer's family. Yeah, no. I just, instead, I just, you know, I was really destructive, bro. Like, I'm telling you. So tell us about those 90 days, those first time in a juvenile detention center. That was crazy, man.

You get there. They just put you in the cell, like, obviously. But then there's, like, all these, like, kids. that are like anywhere from like, typically like 12 to like 17. And the pod that I was in, it was like man to man cells, so it's just you.

And people are screaming and yelling. It's like two o'clock in the morning and everybody's still up and they're jumping around and like they're being crazy. And then there's this dude like across the way from my cell. He's losing his mind. And he's doing a handstand with his bare ass cheeks on the window and he's taking a shit on the little window and just smearing his shit all over the

door and I'm like this is this is crazy like I was like I was like what it what is this you know like but you know obviously like when I get there the idea of like jail that I had that thrill was like all the way gone because it's just like you're just sitting there in a county jail doing nothing all day long so you go to school in the morning eat breakfast but like there's always like, you know, that un... How do you explain it? Like, a very uncomfortable feeling of, like, you have to be on your toes.

Like, because with kids, man, like, sometimes they're, like, more dangerous than adults. Because we have, like, as children, we don't have, like, a moral compass almost, you know? Like, it's... They're going to jump if they want to jump, and they're going to smear shit on the windows, you know? But it was pretty, like...

Like, I just wanted to have, like, some socks and, like, a white t-shirt. And after that, I was good, you know? Did that experience in there make you reconsider your life of crime? Like, I don't want to go down this path anymore? For the moment, yeah. For the moment, it definitely did. But as soon as I got back to real life, I just continued, like, doing things the opposite of what people were telling me to do. And just kept getting in trouble, kept getting arrested.

not long after that, probably like two years after that. I got picked up on the side of the road walking down the street after a party at like 5 o'clock in the morning. And they said I was walking in the road. And I was so inebriated that I couldn't even like walk. So I just kept falling, kept falling. And I was just absolutely gone. And they took me to jail for that.

and they said I blew like four times the legal limit that an adult can have. And I was only like 17 years old. So I went to jail again for that. Years later because I never like would take care of any of my legal stuff. I would just like, oh, okay, well, I got a new fine. So I'm just going to start traveling. And that's where like I got in trouble pretty much everywhere I went. how did your adopted dad who was the cop respond to you when you got out of detention how was a relationship

it was as strong as ever yeah oh so he still stayed supportive he stayed supportive through all of it man never gave up on me and uh but yeah like i said i would just leave so that you know i'd take a greyhound bus and uh i would end up like in california for three months sleeping on somebody's couch and i would block everybody else, like out. And I just worry about, like, doing what I'm doing there at that moment. And, but yeah, I mean, they would always be like, hey, why don't you come back, you know, come home and try to figure your shit out, bro. He's like, you know, you're on a warrant list right now because you didn't pay your fines

for a year and a half. Like, why don't you get back here and, like, try to get this taken care of? And, like, eventually now I finally have done all that. But, I mean, he would always, like, respond with open arms. He's a good man. Is this when your addiction issue started to take place? Yeah, yeah. Tell us about that.

Okay, so I remember the first time that I ever took a drug and, like, it was a pill. And I thought that I was getting some kind of like Al-Prazolam or whatever, like Xanax. I thought that's what it was. And I took a whole bottle of blood pressure medicine and I stole it from my grandparents in Michigan, my grandma. Because she was alive until just last year. So she would always have my back. Like she was like my stone too just like my dad was and but I stole pills from them and I started hanging out with these group of like ravers in Michigan so like I went to my first show with them

and it was Porter Robinson and lazy rich and it was in uh Pontiac Michigan and I was like this is crazy and it's my first time trying ecstasy so that's when I realized that like I had a really addictive personality for like drugs was because when I took the ecstasy the next day I was like you know, like I need to, I need to do something to like feel normal because like, you know, chase the dragon or whatever. So I took those pills and like I ended up taking like six of them. I broke them up and I snorted them all. And I'm pretty sure that I overdosed that day because like I had like, they said that like I was having like a grand mal seizure on the Ravers people's couch. and like I was just seasoned out hardcore and like they said I was like speaking like a different language

and when I came out of that like the next like three days I did not feel all right I like had like a spiritual awakening of some sort either that or like hardcore brain damage by that time and that was my first time like getting into it and after that I just started taking pills all the time. What kind of pills? Xanax, Adderals, and then I eventually let it into, like, cocaine. And then whenever I would drink, I would just do cocaine. And typically, it's not cocaine that you're doing. It's actually like some kind of like mix of meth.

And, but I didn't care. I mean, it didn't really matter what I was doing as long as I was getting high. Why do you think you first tried drugs for the first time? Was it peer pressure? Was it you wanted to escape something? you knew enough about drugs at the time? So I think it was just curiosity. Like I just wanted to feel what they were feeling, you know? Everybody says that ecstasy is great, so I was like, hell yeah, I was going to try

XSy. I wouldn't really call it peer pressure though because nobody was ever like, you should try this, you should try this, you should try this, like typically I was the first one at the edge of the stand going, I want to try that, you know? and that's but I would never be like the person that would call a drug dealer either I don't think I've ever called a drug dealer in my life

they've just been there like the people that I like was attracting to my life at that time through my teenage and 20s they were all drug addicts it was just too easy what were some of the low points like the really rock bottom moments during your addiction usually it was like

getting kicked out of a house because I was getting too fucked up all the time and they were like always being there people were always there for me like they would never give up on me typically so like but I would ruin it so bad from doing drugs and drinking that they were like dude you act so different

when you're that fucked up they're like we don't like we can't have you around like some people would have kids and stuff and like I'd be loud and yelling and screaming and shit and like so they were just like that was definitely a low point and then one day I took Suboxin, which is like a drug to help you get off meth is what they say it is. I took like four

strips of that and like I tattooed my whole arm, just cat scratch because I wanted to have sleeves that day. And like I lived with that for man like seven or eight years. Just like a bunch of Bablar all over my arm. It said like turnt and stunna and like just you know things like that. Another low point was also like getting my face tattooed And thinking that the guy knew what I was like looking to get And like people always ask me, they're like, You got Hebrew on your face, bro? And I'm like, no, it's supposed to be music signs.

You know, music notes? What is it? It's supposed to be a four by four. Or like, so music is like four into eight into 16 and the 32 And 32 makes a song, right? So I was like, oh, I just want like four, do four notes like to make four that was that was the whole conversation

we had and he's I'm pretty sure he just went on Google and he's like okay and then then we did that I used to have I took a bunch of muscle relaxers and passed out

and like I don't know if you can see it but my neck used to say supie I can't see it like S-U-P-P-Y like what's up lived with that on my on my neck for

about seven years as well that neck tat must have hurt yeah it was it was all Like, I laughed most of the time. I'm pretty sure that's, like, my way of, like, dealing with pain. It's kind of laughing at it. So my wife was, like, standing there, and she's like, you're absolutely insane. During your addiction, what was going on with your child and the mother of your child?

So the mother of my child got herself into some kind of situation with some people that will not be named. And she just started on her own journey of her personal. criminal enterprise and my daughter was adopted by the same man who adopted my little brother and now their brother and sister they've grown up together but so that's where she was she was taken care of she was good um me and my baby mama would talk like here and there but like i was so like emotionally unstable at that time that like every time she would like reach out to me probably caring about what was going on or to like talk about like what she was going through like I would dismiss all of that and make it like we need to get back together and then like you know

she'd be like no dude like you're crazy like she's like I'm just trying to help you out because like everybody on the outside was seeing like what I was doing to myself you know so so now you're a listener of the show and you hear some of these stories of individuals who are born in to you know horrible situations, whether the parent was an addict or not financially fit or just really young. How does that make you feel when you hear these stories, you know, kind of resembling your own path of bringing a child into the world in a not so good circumstance? So it really makes me think about like the fact that like our life probably would have made her life worse.

But also like I feel like it's genetic too. Like if you come from a line of People that are doing things that are considered bad and you know and you're not well taken care of and Because now she's grown up in like a whole different situation But she's dealing with the same stuff to me and her mom where now when she's she's gonna be 16 this year I think that Obviously your situation does have a lot to do with Who you become as a young young.

child, but I also think that like we have the choice to be able to be different and want to grow out of our circumstances. I feel for them, but I feel like it should be, you should be hungry to be different if you want to be different. But if you choose to continue being comfortable doing the same things that you're used to, just like anything in life, you know, you're going to continue getting the same bullshit results. So that's, I feel for people.

I'm definitely sympathetic. But like I also like, look at some people and I'm like, you could be doing better if you wanted to be doing better. Like, and I'm not going to like bullshit them. You know what I mean? What if they don't know better their whole life though? And you got to show them. You got to be care, like care enough to want to help people.

But you will learn through experience whether you're like, 18 and you learn or whether you're 50 years old and you learn eventually it will click you will make them enough mistakes for like the door to open if you haven't like totally destroyed it

but I do believe that there's hope for everybody I think that like some people that get brought into money and wealth and like have a good home dynamic and like all of these things like they still make choices like

I think think that like sometimes when like the pain of losing somebody for instance and your cat dying can be emotionally traumatic only so much like you can only feel a certain degree of pain emotionally and mentally depending on the person but it's still the same pain so like that person that was brought up and never went through struggle and strife them losing that cat is going to be as bad is you losing somebody that you love because there's a barrier that it like reaches. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. The Four Seasons is back for season two starring Tina Faye, Will Forte, Coleman Domingo, Marco

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Yeah, yeah. So I typically would drive without a license. I ran a stop sign one time, and I got a ticket for that, right? I didn't pay that ticket. and then six months down the road I'm driving up north in Michigan to uh I was with a girl I was dating and we had like a bunch of wax

you know what waxes like TH or whatever yeah I've never used it but so you know it's like a concentrate so there it is it was not legal at the time and we got pulled over up there and like up north of Michigan with like seven grams of that shit on us I didn't have a license and I didn't even know that I didn't have a license so they arrested me there or no, they sided me there the first time

when we were coming into town they told me I didn't have a license and they were like, we're going to let you slide on this one they're like, but don't get in trouble again, don't drive anymore. And then the morning, on the way back down to down south Michigan,

I got pulled over again. It could have been the same cop, dude. But then they searched my car and found all that wax. So then I'm getting hit with the possession of a controlled substance. And that was my second driving. They hit me with both charges for the driving on suspended.

Which I don't know how it works in Michigan, bro. Be it like, you can get in trouble for it. Like, they'll write you up for whatever. So naturally, I go to jail overnight or whatever. Get out in the morning and, like, one of my OG brothers, like, comes and picks me up. His name is Corey. This dude wrote for me just like my dad did, bro.

Still to this day, right? rides with me like he's he's with the shit fucking good good dude but uh he comes picks me up four hours away come to make sure that I'm good to go because old girl it already went back down south and uh naturally dude I like just forget that I had that driving on suspended and I just kept on going I get pulled over again and again and again and I'm just like continuing down this line of like driving on suspended. And then the last time that they got me on the driving suspended, I had wax on me again, and then it took me to jail.

And so typically, like, $400 bond, like, anybody's going to get out of jail, right? Like, I sat in Ross Common County Jail in the middle of nowhere in Michigan for six months, bro, on a parish day. And, like, that was a whole different jail experience. Tell us about it Yeah, no, like There was dudes in there Like, it was like a transfer jail

So you would like go there On the way to prison And so I'm meeting all these dudes That are like getting locked down And like They're going for long stints And there was this OG His name was

Lamont And he had a glass eye And he was a pimp This dude I cannot make this shit up bro He put me through program now Like he was like Having me like do my pushups

like my burpees. He was making sure that we were eating. Like he was, he was my guy. He was looking out for me. And typically people don't like, integrate, you know?

Like, they usually stick to their race, like, from what I understand, what I've experienced. Like, but this dude was down for whatever. And like,

he had my back. And, uh, but there was this, uh, this for shit gets spicy. Like, uh,

there was this big, like, big white hillbilly dude, like redneck straight out of the fucking, straight out of fucking, straight out of fucking, out of the woods in Michigan, bro, and he was there doing like a 30, because he lived up there. And I don't remember what it was, like, something stupid, like, about coffee or something.

Like, I was like, where the fuck my coffee go? You know what I mean? I'm looking for it. I'm like, who fuck's got my coffee? And he's like, shut the fuck up. And I was like, all right. I was like, I guess I'm going to fight this dude because he told me to shut the fuck up.

And I stood up with him, bro, and I, I fucked up. Like, I took my, like, my shower shoes off or whatever, and I was just in socks. and like I'm slatting around like hitting left and right and like this dude just creams me bro right in the middle of the forehead dude and like I got my licks in or whatever but like I had a dermal piercing

so my dermal like is pushed into my face it's bleeding all over the place like that was my first jail fight it was crazy wow did you ever if I can deviate for a moment did you ever get in a fight in jail more like guys just attacking me

and I didn't really put up much of a fight I wasn't really much of a fighter I got slapped around a little bit jumped in the bathroom but I never like had a full on fist fight I haven't had like a real one-on-one fight since you know middle school

oh okay you know dealing with bullies and stuff that was probably like my last fight no I get that so you know the deal though like to get down how it is like if you don't in my opinion what I've been taught

like if you don't fight then it's just gonna keep getting worse and so like I just would stand up with whoever But that was my county jail times. And in that six months, like, I had a lot of experience with people that I would never want to meet again. And, but, yeah, so, I mean, typically I would go to jail for, like, 30 to 60 days, like, just randomly throughout life, meet a bunch of different people. I went to Ross Common County twice.

And so the jail experience, like, it was just the same everywhere. Like every county jail is pretty much the same You're dealing with like little petty shit And like people wanting to fight And because they're bored or steal Like your food or whatever And like I would just like typically not have food anyway So like I would just like get down with other people

And like talk to them about like you know yada yada And like they would break me down And like let me have some you know what I mean And that's typically like The energy that like got me places in my life was like just being willing to have a conversation with a random stranger about whatever. It's a good trait to have. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it comes in handy and talk to anybody about whatever. My wife's like, always like, dude, like, don't start talking to him. He's like, she's like, we got to go somewhere and he's going to be here for 25 minutes talking about nothing, you know. What kind of activities did they have for you guys in the trail? Drawing and, like, coloring pictures, reading books. typically like I didn't do any of that but it was there you know and uh just work out they didn't really provide a lot like it was pretty much like at your tv tv time but you're watching whatever like the dude wants to watch that has the remote you know so you could be watching some shit that

you really don't want to watch probably only one tv too yeah yeah it was usually like a 10 man 10 man 20 man cell I'm just locked in there all day all day long yeah and uh that was typically like the setting that it would that it would be is like a larger cell you're in there all day no outside time like you can go to like another room that had like a little slit in the like in the concrete and that was your outside time and that was terrible did not enjoy that so but typically at every county jail that I had been to that's that's what it was how was your drug habit while in jails all those times I would just kick it. It wouldn't even bother me because, like, I couldn't find anything, you know? So I think it was typically, like, I drink a lot of sugar and, like, stay wound up that way. And then I'd find myself, like, kind of leveling out, though, where I was like, wow, I could not smoke cigarettes anymore. I could not drink sugar anymore.

I could start eating healthy, all that. And, like, as soon as I get out, I'd be like, give me a pack of marbles right now. Like, I'm fucking feigning, bro. like, you know, so when I get back on the outside world, the addiction would just jump right back in. Why do you think that was? I don't really, I think it's just because I'm, like, at that time, I was not happy with myself, like, the way that I was living. Like, I had these big dreams and aspirations and, like, it's turning out that, like, I'm a homeless dude, sleeping on somebody's couch, still getting fucked up. You know, at 20 years old, 25 years old even.

and I just couldn't stay away from drugs, man. Like, it would just constantly come back into my life. Until, like, just, I mean, I've been sober for a few years now. Like, I think it's about like four or five, six years. Ever since I met my wife, like, I got my shit together, bro. Because, like, she would tell me straight up. And this is the tough love that I needed my whole life. She'd be like, look, I'd be like, I'm doing this for you.

I want to get sober for you. And, like, I want to, you know, be better. like for you and she's like do it for you bro i do something for yourself like don't do it because you want to help other people i do right because you want to be right like and i never understood that my whole life bro but she gave me the the choice to either do it for myself and get right or get left right simple as that yeah oh go ahead how are you funding your addiction through your 20s and all those years you were an addict i'm working like still working. I always had a job.

Whether I was sleeping on the couch or whatnot, go do day labor. I'd be waiting for that guy to give me that money, bro. And I do all of it. I'd go do extra. I don't give a fuck. Like, put me down for, you know, 55 hours, 60 hours, whatever. I don't care. Let's get it. I was like, but I'm going to need to get paid today. So, like, they just break me off cash for that. And, like, typically the people I was staying with, they were asking for much. So they were just like, let me live.

What are some of the crazy things you've done to get high To get a fix in? Shit Typically, bro, it was just working, you know? Or I'd steal. Like, any time that, like, I wouldn't steal from people. Steal, like, from, like, corporations. Like, you know, like grocery stores or whatever the fuck.

Because I felt for people, you know what I mean? But I didn't feel bad for, like, the big corporations. I don't know why. But, like, because they're already getting their bag, you know? So I go in You know Steal a radio or something like that Walk right out the front door like it never happened

And Go to sell it Like that was typically like the crazy shit that I would do Nothing like much more than that car shopping Like I just hop in this one time We did a bunch of Xanax me and this guy And we car shopped a whole Complex

Like there was like Eight nine big like concrete buildings, bro, just filled with people. And we went through that whole bitch all night long. And we were blacked out on Xanax. And like, just the silliest shit that I would do, like, that was the silly shit that we would do, you know? That's probably the craziest one, though, like, of all the stories.

So what would you guys do? What exactly is car shopping? So car shopping is, like, walking around in the middle of the night and where there's, like, a large, like, quantity of cars. And you just, you know, try to get into every single handle. Like, that's how we would do it. Just wear gloves and just try to see if the doors were open.

That's why you should lock your doors at night. Like, for real. Wise words for taco. Yeah, I'm telling you. But that was typically, like, the get down with it. Like, you just try to get in the car and then you grab all their change or whatever and see if they have, like, nice things in their car. And, like, that was it.

That was the get down with that. But, yeah, dude, the recovery, though. is where it's at. And that's where I'm trying to like, now that I'm into it a little bit more, like I'm trying to. Feels like every product claims real protein these days. But real doesn't start on a label.

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Yeah, so we got kicked out of my mom's house. So we're back in Michigan now. And I'm staying with my mom, her boyfriend, and my grandma, my sister. And then I got my little buddy Dylan that I had met, met him out of gas station. And I was like, you want to hang out, bro? And he's like, yeah, sure. And then, like, one day he came over, he never left. So, yeah, me and my mom were, like, fire and gasoline, pretty much our whole relationship, like, through my growth.

From one, I mean, until I was, I'm 32 now. I'm pretty sure we just got right, like, two years ago. And so I would always, like, I'd be like, what are you doing with your life? life. I'm like calling her out for all the shit that like I'm doing too. You know, I'd be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Right? And, uh, one day she was just over it and she's like, shut the fuck up, dude. Like, just leave me be. And her boyfriend was over in the corner. We just moved into like this new trailer in Michigan. And, uh, they worked hard to get in that motherfucker, dude. I'll give him that. And, uh, he came running down the hall at me because he heard me

yelling at my mom. And we got into a squabble. And I ended up beating him up. So then, when I beat him up, my mom's like, get the fuck out. So me and Dylan were like, all right, we're going to hit the road. You know, like, we're just going to go somewhere and figure it out. Well, meanwhile, my other buddy hit me up from Havasu when I was living in Michigan, who had grown up there and he was like, hey, do you want to help my buddy out? Like, he's in a situation living in bandos or whatever, abandoned houses. And he's like, you want to help him out with like a place to stay?

And I was like, bro, I don't even got a place to stay. So he got in the car with us. we ended up picking them up. We all get in the car. We decide that we're going to have us, too. Dylan's never left Michigan. You know, so we're like, we're going there. And, uh, dude, we crawled under the old trailer we had just moved out of that my mom just moved out of.

And we cut all the copper out of the bottom of the trailer. And we're like stowing it all away and like just trying to find anything of value. And, uh, we used that money to get. we went and took it to a scrapyard and used all that money to get back to Arizona so then I started looking for a job out there and

typically I get a job like within a day like I just let him know like what I'm about like I'm just trying to get money and we're living in this guy's trailer in the front of his house me Josh and Dylan those are our little crew that came from Michigan and so I got a job

this pizza place, my buddy runs it. His name was Justin. He's like, I got you on a job, bro. He's like, come get lined up. I was like, all right, cool. At that time, I'm still getting high every day. Like, met a new connect, and he's giving us a bunch of cocaine or whatever. So we're just like, boom, boom, boom, not paying for any of it.

Like, just living fast. At that time, my brain's going like a million miles an hour, only in the forward direction to whatever, like, mania I was going through at that time. so just to block out like everything you know I'm still thinking about like things that happened when I was like 19 at that time I think I'm like 24 25 when we moved back to havassu and uh yeah I get that job bro and like everybody's like super cool super friendly the owner's cool dude like everybody like I felt like I was in the right place and at that time I was roofing in the morning, going and making pizzas at night.

And then when I get off from making the pizzas, I would go and do janitorial with this other guy that was helping me out. You know, he was cool. John Rose, dude, had my back from day one, still does now. But, yeah, so I get into Rosati's and, like, I'm still, like, getting messed up all the time. Well, things started starting to come together. Like, I'm living at this one guy's house.

The guy on the trailer, right? We're sleeping out in front of his house. Well, my buddy that was working with there was like, bro, he's like, get out of that situation. He's like, come sleep on my couch. And I was like, all right, cool, you know, moving to a new couch. And so I move in with him. This is about three months into after moving back to Arizona. And Dylan's still doing his thing.

He's met a girl. He's having a baby, like all this crazy shit's going on with him. Josh is still out there doing whatever he's doing. still to this day, I don't know what that man's doing. But, you know, it's just the loyal group sticking together. But yeah, the drugs are still there. So I'm just doing them all the time, getting drunk every day. Like, and still working.

Like, not working drunk. Like, I have some class, you know. So I'm trying to, like, you know, keep it, like, separated. But then, uh, yeah, COVID happens. And, like, we're just, like, we're getting drunk every day then. Like and like the coke's coming into the picture. So like everybody like everybody on the outside is like, you know, hunkering down and nobody wants to mess with anything. But like we're just out there living our best life, like running around the street doing whatever.

Well then my manager, her name was Ashley, that worked up in the front. Like she's kind of like, you know, give me the eyes or whatever. And I'll show you the picture when we get done. like I'm a bean pole bro like you can see my skeleton you know and I'm like what is this girl seeing me and uh so she decides to like you know we go out or whatever and uh just rapidly that's where she comes in like I was telling you earlier and was like hey bro like you got to chill out because like if you don't chill out then I can't be with you you know she has a young daughter at this time and like I get it you know and at that time is when I decided that I was going to get sober

for the first time of my life. And I've like, it's like being reborn, bro. It really is. It's like coming out of a whole new world. And that's where it starts though. And like there is some backtracking that happens. And it does get hard to like stay sober, you know, because the world is there.

So like, and it's still going on. You know, everything around us going on 100 miles an hour all the time. So like I do have some slip ups in between. between, but like this young homeless dude that I was looking at over here that's doing drugs every day, getting messed up. Like, I finally got my first car. Like, I moved into a house, like a real house, bro. A three-bedroom, two-bath house.

Like, we were renting it, but it's the most, like, stable thing I've ever seen, like, from myself, you know? And then I got, yeah, I got this nice-ass car in the parking lot. Like, I'm going to work every day. I'm working 60 hours a week. Like the revenue's coming in We're starting to save like everything's coming together bro And it's like

It's like a miracle happening in front of your eyes Because like you don't expect it to ever be Chill ever again Like I never thought my life would be like Okay you know where I wasn't like In survival mode fight or flight Like It's always been fast bro

Everything's been fast But like It's just all these things start to happen, bro, and, like, I'm finally sober. I'm not, like, I'm still drinking beer at that time. Like, I'm drinking, like, a six-pack of night. Like, after, like, working, like, so you work, like, 16 hours, then you'd be off. 16 hours, then you'd be off.

And, like, I'm running around that restaurant, like a psychopath, dude, like, chopping over here, doing this, doing that. Like, you know, I'm going, you know, because I'm trying to get money. And, uh, the right way, you know, versus, like, you know, being out in the street, trying to sell drugs or anything like that. Like, I don't want to do that. that, you know, because you're just selling fucking dreams, you

know? Like, here you go, buddy. Like, good luck, don't die, because fentanyl's out here, and they're cutting that shit and everything. But, back to the track. Yeah, everything's coming together, bro, and, like, still drinking, but not, like, doing drugs anymore at that point. And, like, now

I'm to the point where I don't even, like, drink, really. Like, I'll have a sip of a drink like every couple weeks. I think I went like a whole month, not too long ago, to where I was just like, I'm doing it, man. Like, living that sober lifestyle. I'm like, through all the darkness, like, the people that have come into my life and, like, really tore me down.

Like, I should have quit. But, like, as humans were resilient, right? Typically, like, most people are resilient in one way or another. But just trying to latch together the purpose, bro. Like, I do want to help people. But yeah, coming out here, right before I left Arizona, probably like a year before, this is in Rosati's. Like, I got my place going. Everything's going good, right?

I brought him one of the younger cats that was working for me because he was going through a bad, right? And he's just trying to find his way too, you know? And typically, like, I brought so many people in. Ashley's like, shut that door, bro. like don't let anybody else live with us please like I just need some like privacy and like to feel like you're not like continuing to try to open like a halfway house at our house and I'm like I get it you know I still help people now but not like that uh yeah so I had him in there and uh one day I guess like his pops was like real upset with them or something like that they were getting in an argument about

something and uh at that time this person is living at my house and like I haven't got gotten in trouble now for years. Like, it's been a good little stint. I'm in jail. I'm off probation. I paid my fines. Like, everything's good. I got it all squared away.

Well, I'm at, I'm off that day. I'm at the gym with my boss, the guy that own the restaurant. And I get the call for my wife. And she's like, dude, homeboys out here, like, beating his kid in our front yard. Like, you need to get home right now. She's like, he told me to, you know, told me to fuck off or whatever. And I'm like, enough said. and I popped back in the car.

Worst mistake I could have made, bro. I got in my car instead of calling the cops. And I speed back to my house. I see old boy, like, walking down the street to his house because he kind of lived close. Like, his pops look kind of close to me or whatever. And they're in the street arguing, yelling. And I stopped, like, in the street.

And I'm like, what the fuck's your problem, dude? Like, don't come into my house. I was like, if you guys got problems, keep it over at your house. and you square it up with me which I don't know if people need to know what squared up is where you go like this you got to build your square

keep yourself safe or whatever well dude years and years of rage came out that day and I beat the shit out of this man like badly

and like it was pretty terrible and then I tried to leave like to go to my house right up around the corner and he stood in front of my car so I got out and I hit him again and then like then I left and not even like five minutes later bro like the fucking ambulance and the fire department are coming down my street and like they're going to help old boy like I broke his

teeth and like I fucked him up you know and I shouldn't have but like I when it comes to family bro and like my my loyalty that sits with my family like don't fuck with my family Because they're all I got, you know? And I felt disrespected. And then, yeah, I got arrested, bro. Like, and that was the first time that it was looking like I was actually going to go to prison. Because I heard him. And at first, the police were like, did you do this?

Da-di-da. And I was like, no. I was like, I didn't see anything. I don't know anything. You know what I mean? I know the good now. You don't talk until you get to the jail, right? Like, when you have to sit down in front of a judge, then you deal with.

that right you don't talk to the police they use all that shit against you because like contrary to popular belief if they can pin it on you they're gonna do it like in any circumstance no matter what it is it's their job right and uh so yeah i go to jail that day and they're like oh it's just gonna be for simple assault i was like okay simple assault i can deal with that you know i got an assault charge a few years back trying to stand up for somebody else and ended myself in a bad situation again but simple assault i can deal with right so we get down the road, the cop stops the car, gets on the radio or the phone or whatever, and he's like, oh, okay, okay, okay.

Turns around, looks mean. He's like, bro, you're going down for aggravated, like, class two, class two felony. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I was like, this is it, bro. I was like, this is my time. Like, it's over with. And so I go to jail overnight for that. I bond out in the morning because my boss needs me to get back to work, back to the restaurant.

And he's like, dude, what the hell? And I'm like, eh, I was like, I messed up, bro. Did not realize how badly I messed up. Like, because I lived a life of little crimes here and there. Like, you know, theft or whatever, fighting somebody or whatever the case may be. Most of the time, I walked away just fine. Everything was good. So I thought, okay, well, I'm sober now.

I'm doing things right. Everything's coming together. Like, I should be fine, you know. I have faith that things will work out. like they're supposed to. Because they always have in life, right? Like, if something doesn't happen like it's supposed to for the way that you want it,

it's happening the way that it needs to, right? So then I'm sitting there in front of the judge and through my times in county, like talking to all these people and learning from people, I know what to say to keep myself, like, to have the best chances of not going to prison. So I get it knocked down.

Immediately they want to knock it down. from class two felony to like a high court misdemeanor sort of deal, which means that like it's pretty gnarly. Like you did something pretty gnarly, but we're still going to charge you with a misdemeanor. So I told the public defender, I'm like, don't do it. I'm like, I want to like tell this woman before like she like, because I know it's going to ruin my life, right?

And I'm like, I've come so far for one thing to like, stop me from progressing that I want to have a chance to explain myself to her that like how like a hundred feet could have made a big difference if it was on my yard still I wouldn't be looking at these charges you know what I mean I'd be looking at some kind of self-defense of some sort and I could work the angles and I get in front of her dude I laid it down I laid it down like the best county county lawyer you've ever seen right and she's like yeah she's like you did good but like not good enough and she's like you're going down and I'm like fuck dude she gives me the high court misdemeanor turns out I only get 30 days in jail bro 30 days in jail with a high court

misdemeanor that I could have really gone to prison for um so yeah after that dude I ended up getting work release so I was at work you know the most that I could be is like eight hours a day um and did that little 30 30 in the city jail and like the city jail bro it's they call it camp Snoopy. Like legit. We have vending machines. We can go out every day. Like they're taking us out for smoke breaks. I didn't smoke to cigarette in like six, seven years at that time. I think, yeah, it's just about that. I picked up the vapes or whatever. And I'm out there smoking a fucking Camel 99. Like this jail was like, I'm looking around. I'm like, this is jail. Like this is crazy. But then I got my brothers, you know, that are just like, you know,

Chad's been through it. Ryan's been through it. Matt's going through it. Like they're all living that life bro and like I hear so often you know like just the injustices that they got to deal with like in the system that like I would be like I guess I'd not compare like myself to Nelson Mandela but like I'd be in there fighting for my rights bro and like I'd probably get thrown in a solitary because of my mouth because I'll be in there like fuck this fuck that like give us our rights but like it's just crazy bro because I'm just crazy bro because like it's so contrasting. Like he's going through this, right? One of my brothers, Matt's going through it hard, bro. And he's doing hard time for like some crazy shit that like didn't even need to be what it is. But now he's getting so many injustices.

But then on the other side of it, I'm going to county jail talking about, you know, this and that, da-di-da-da-da. Like, I had it easy compared to what he's going through. It didn't even hurt nobody. Like our system is just, it's messed up. up. Do you think that if you ended up getting prison time for that, your sobriety would have been derailed? Probably. I probably would have gotten more trouble in prison. I probably still would have pushed towards being a good person. But like, from what I understand, stay prison, bro,

like, it's hard. Like, it's hard to stay on the straight and narrow. So yeah, I probably would have, you know, even though I'm strong-minded, strong-willed, it's say if I wouldn't did two or three Like what about my wife? What about my kid? Like that's coming to my life like what about them and like I didn't think about any of that when I was protecting them You know? Did you look at this as a second chance? Yes For sure Did your mindset change? Yes, I will never put my hands on anybody ever again I'll let somebody beat my ass bro For sure I will I don't need my pride

Beat me up let me get the restitution like I don't care like I don't care about any of that because I don't you I'm struggling right now, bro. I had to apply for like 30 apartments in Iowa, bro. Nobody wanted to let me come live there because I have a violent crime on my record. 30 of them. I had to just work with the FedEx contractor, bro, delivering packages. I had to jump through hoops, write letters,

do everything that I could possibly do and they barely let me get the job. Even though, like, I am a solid person, And like all that shit stands in the way of that. So it's tough. Why Iowa? Why do you guys pick Iowa? So my wife's family is from out here in Iowa, the land of the corn.

I used to always say, you're from Idaho, right? Like I'd always tell her that. But yeah, it's just, it's quiet out there, bro. Like, there's not a lot going on. Like, everybody's just minding their business, doing their thing, you know? So what keeps you on track on the day is, you know, you feel like you're going to relapse or Or you're having difficulty. Typically, it's my family.

My wife and my daughter give me motivation. And now I do it for myself. Like, you know, like she has been trying to teach me for a long time now. It's just not worth it, bro. I'm scared of drugs. I don't have a lot of fears. But, like, I'm definitely scared of, like, the way that drugs made me feel. Typically, that's, like, my motivation, though, is, like, my family.

They keep me grounded. and on the right track because otherwise I'd probably still be on drugs right now you know, or dead or in prison like it's either one of the three like they just gave me the motivation

and like start caring about myself what does life look like for you now? Just work I work like usually five to six days a week I like to work hard so like doing FedEx is perfect for me because like I stay on the move like pretty like rapidly and like you have to like get a certain amount done.

Otherwise like, you know, there's like a bunch of charges that can happen. Like if you don't like get it done properly. So that's typically my day. Like I stay like pretty physically moving like quickly. And then when I get home like I typically will like clean or after I take a shower like I'll clean and like cook dinner and like make sure everything's like organized. for the most part. And I've got to actually, like, not clean as much now because, like, I'm paying my daughter to do it.

So I'm trying to teach her, like, the value of a dollar and, like, you know, set her up for success in that sense. So she doesn't feel like, you know, money just falls from the sky because, you know, every kid does. But, yeah, I mean, and then my day's off, bro, like, we hang out with my buddy, brody. Like, he comes over, like, typically, like, three days a week and, like, my family loves him. So, you know, we just hang out and play like a card game called Swish. Like just very normal, I guess, in the sense of like everyday activity. Like I used to gamble a lot like when I was making a lot of money and like go to Vegas all the time. Like, but all that shit, bro, like I just put it for the birds and like we're just trying to like live a simple life.

Are you in touch with your daughter at all? Yeah. I mean, we do talk. she's also going through the struggle right now. And I get it. She don't really want to talk to me because, like, you know, I got a whole family out here. And, like, there is some resentment when it comes to that.

But, like, I'm just waiting for her to let her go through her process so that, like, I can get in where I need to and, like, try to help, like, mold her in the sense, like, from the outside. You know, because she has parents. So, like, I try to help them understand, like, the mindset of, like, because I know she's dealing with it mentally, like I am. And I have. And, like, if you explain it to him the right way and do it the right way, like, they might be able to stop her from, like, continuing down that path. How do you plan on making peace with her?

Time, bro. I want to let time kind of do its job. I want her to grow and be able to understand, like, where I'm coming from. And I need to be able to understand where she's coming from. But, like, sometimes, like, if you go in at the wrong time, like, it's, like, speaking to the wall, you know? And it was the same way with me. So, like, I just want to let her, like, deal with her things. And then I'll reach out.

Like, I'll still text her right now, you know, like, hey, I love you. I'm sorry you're going through this, but, like, I'm here for you. you know and so she knows that in the back of her head you know as time goes on i just don't want to see her go down like all the way you know it's scary bro what's the life lesson you want people to take away from your story today i have a couple so for my story like i i want people to understand that there is like a there's still a chance even if you put yourself in the worst position possible in your life there's always like a as long as you're breathing like you have an opportunity to become that version of yourself that you want to be. I'm not even like 100% to

where I want to be, but like I'm getting there, you know, and manifesting it and letting things happen like they're supposed to. Don't force it. You know, work hard, be a good person, do good things and speak good words and like live by that shit and like it'll come through. But like, and also like one mistake shouldn't dictate your whole future. Like, it shouldn't be so hard for me to, like, do the job that I want to do. It shouldn't be hard for me to get my CDO and, like, get financed for it and, like, get through that. It shouldn't be because, like, what happens if somebody, like, tries and tries and tries again, some people give up and they go back to what they're comfortable with. Like, that will never be me.

But, like, even if it doesn't, like, affect me, like, eventually I'm going to get to where I'm going. But, like, it could be easier, like, slightly, you know? Like, people can talk to me on the phone, but as soon as they're face to face with me, and I explain, like, what's happened, they're like, no, sorry, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. And, like, I think that, like, there just needs to be open doors for people that, like, have made mistakes. They're working through them to, like, guide them, you know? Get them to where they're going so they don't stay where they're at. That's definitely a message.

And just, you don't have to be addicted forever. be addicted use your addiction if you have addicted personality use your addiction to like function through like getting more in your life like good things into your life healthy addictions like positive addictions like because no matter what you're always going to be an addict right they say once you're an addict you're always an addict but like that doesn't mean that you have to be a drug user or a drinker or anything like that like you can use all these things to like manifest like your life your dreams you know what I mean I'm never going to give up on my dreams I'm 32 and now. But like, I'm still going to get there eventually. Or I'm going to die trying, you know? So

that's that. Absolutely. Well, John, thank you so much for coming out here today and then sitting down with me and sharing your story and testimony. Yeah, I'm stoked, bro. Yeah, you did really good and you know, safe travels back to the sticks. Yeah, the land of the corn. The land of the court. Yeah. Bring some corn with you next time. Yes, sir. Awesome, brother. Thank you, bro.