Locked In with Ian Bick - SURVIVING In Prison During A Global Pandemic | Ryan Estanislau

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

Ryan Estanislau tells us all about being in state corrections during a global pandemic. He was no stranger to the criminal justice system, having been caught in its clutches since he was a teenager, but being locked up during the global shutdown was a unique experience. Ryan tells Ian about his past, his present, and what he hopes for the future.  Connect with Ryan Estanislau: Facebook: Portuguese Ryan  Instagram: Ryan_portuguese_ TikTok: daplugsplug Buy Merch: https://lockedinbrand.com  Use code lockedin at checkout to get 10% off your order Connect with Ian Bick: https://www.ianbick.com 00:00 Intro  00:37 New Merch Discount 2:00 Childhood 5:27 Relationship with his mother 6:00 Growing up in East Hartford 7:56 Highschool 9:52 Did his childhood shape his future 12:40 If his mother had lived experience 14:37 First time getting in trouble  17:50 The system is designed for failure  18:26 First time in Jail 20:49 Mental Health Affects being locked in 26:00 Continuing to get arrested  29:00 Money is addicting  31:01 Working for DOT in prison 32:38 Working on the prison farm 35:27 Getting pulled over with product  39:00 Going back to jail 41:29 Count time in prison 42:40 The Pandemic in prison 44:20 Craziest Fight 47:32 Fighting over ramen noodles 48:41 Inmates getting sick  57:50 What could the prison system do differently 1:00:30 How the world changed when he got out 1:09:50 What keeps him on track 1:11:32 Advice to others Produced by: https://www.instagram.com/shanedanahy https://www.shanedanahy.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I got into a situation. I almost got in trouble over the alpaca because it spit on me. And I kind of like... You almost got to a fight with an alpaca. Because they do this thing where they lean their head back and you don't realize that you're just trying to feed it. They're like, oh, go feed the alpaca. You'd hawk spit right on you. I got to say this is a first bed.

I don't think I've ever heard of a story like this before. On today's episode, we have Ryan Astana's Law from Connecticut to speak on his journey through the criminal justice system at a young age, including almost fighting an alpaca. as a prison farmer and how he survived prison during a global pandemic. Listen up, everyone. We have new merch in stock. Go to eInbick.com to check out our selection of hoodies, t-shirts, and beanies just in time for the holiday season, and you can use code locked in at checkout to receive 10% off your order.

That's code locked in at checkout. These hoodies right here, they are awesome. They are soft, they are comfortable, and they're just, you know, they're amazing. Grab your hoodie today, rock it at the gym, rock it when you're in your car, and help support the locked in brand. Remember, you guys can help support our show by hitting the subscribe button on YouTube or giving us a follow and review on whichever site you listen to this podcast. Really appreciate all the love and the support week after week.

It doesn't go unnoticed and it means the absolute world. I hope you guys sit back, relax, and get ready to lock in. Ryan, thank you for coming to the show. You came from Hartford today, right? Yep, Hartford, Connecticut. Yeah, a little bit of traffic, water bear, right? That commute sucks. I think it's Sunday.

I think everybody's trying to go home and go back to New York for the weekend or whatever. This is a beautiful day, though. Excellent weather. We're in, you know, Richfield, Connecticut right now. It's great to have you in the studio. Thank you, man. And excited to jump into your story today. So if you want to take us from the top where you were born,

what that early childhood life was like for you. Yeah. Well, I was born in Rockville Hospital. My family lived in like Manchester, East Hartford, around the time. I was just a normal family, though. My mom, she was a single mom, had three kids, two older sisters. I'm the youngest, I'm the boy. And then she got married to my stepfather,

which I ended up having another sister and another brother. This was a total of five of us. So I remember going to school in, elementary school in East Hartford, Connecticut. I went to the school called Maybury School and everything was okay for the most part, average life. But in my area where I lived, we were like the only white families. You know, everybody else was very different.

It was minority, a lot of Spanish, a lot of black. But growing up, we never looked at it like a race thing. It was just those were my friends. But as I got older, I realized I'm the sore thumb. I'm the one that's kind of like standing out. And it helped me and got me in a lot of trouble because growing up, there was like certain situations where I had to be tested a lot, you know, because of me being white in certain areas. Like they thought I was the one they can like take my bike or do certain things.

So it helped me like be tougher, I would say, you know. My mom just normal, worked two jobs. But then growing up, my stepfather started like becoming very abusive and stuff. So he was just raised differently than us. And we just always bumped head. So I would just kind of stop coming home. And I ended up meeting a lot of my friends who had similar interests as me.

We're both trying to make a dollar out of 50 cent. Like don't really know where we're going at a young age, but no, there's more to this than what we're going through. And it was more or less just like that. Like I ended up unfortunately getting in a lot of trouble. like as I was growing up because I didn't have much guidance and I was kind of trying to figure in and out

on my own and was looking to like certain people who I can relate to or I seen had nice things. I was like, well, how did you do that? And they showed me the way. It's just as I got older, I realized it wasn't the right way I should have did things.

When your stepfather first started to become abusive, did that make you want and earn or yearn for your real father? Yeah, like my real father, he was in Florida. So he was there for like a phone call, but he wasn't there when I needed him. My stepfather was there, like, active. He went to, like, cover of my soccer games and all that.

But just the way he disciplined was different. And it made us almost want to rebel or not be around because you're like, you aren't my father. So you really shouldn't be able to put your hands on me growing up. I have a stepson now. There's certain things that I would do and certain things I wouldn't do, you know. But everybody's raised differently. That's the point about breaking these sites. So it was like as I got older through middle school and stuff, I don't know if he just felt like he couldn't control us the way he thought he could or whatever, but it made me not want to come home because I would and I would address them to my mother and stuff, but my mother's working all these jobs.

So when she comes home, she's going to listen to her husband's point of view. And then by the time she talked to me, it's late. So I will deal with this tomorrow. Tomorrow never came, you know. How is your relationship with your mother? Did you blame her for why your real father and her? her weren't together? As I got old, maybe when growing up I felt that way, you know, not necessarily blamed her,

but maybe I felt like, oh, there's reasons why he's not there. But as I got older and I have kids and I seen the perspective and I've actually had conversation, he's in my life now, you know, but he's more of like a friend, you know, he's better with my kids, with my kids for his grandkids than he was for me. but I never necessarily blamed her for him not being around you know yeah how's the neighborhood that you guys grew up in and the school system the high school system so I lived in East Hartford at the time um East Hartford wasn't I wouldn't say it's a terrible neighborhood it's got its bad areas um it's split up into like kind of like five sections

it's like Hockenum Mayberry Village um Columbus Circle um Main Street just different areas bellcourt just different areas where we all grew up and there was a lot of us and we just all ended up like, you know, just being like a team or whatever. And I wouldn't say it was necessarily projects, more of like low, low income areas or housing and stuff like that. Some of it's really nice housing, you know. It was just necessarily the kids that lived around it or what they ended up like becoming, you know. Was there violence at all? Yeah, there was, it got worse as I got older. Because East Hartford, basically, Hartford is, if anybody knows, like, Connecticut,

Hartford's, like, the worst. They got the South and the North end. It's like Spanish and blacks. It's basically. And Waterbury. Yeah. Yeah. But for us, like, if you're in a Hartford area, that's what you're viewing.

East Hartford is over the river. So a lot of people who would try to get away from that but still be close enough, they would move to East Hartford because it's literally just over a bridge and you're back into the city. So a lot of families would move over. there and a lot of those problems would continue over there, you know, and then you got a lot of us who, their whole family was raised in Hartford, and then you're just the only family in East Hartford, now they're visiting you. And then they, you know, they might not like these people

that they end up bumping into. It just throughout time, it got worse, you know. Before there was never like shootings or stuff like that, but like as time came by, there's more violence, drugs, shooting, you know, gangs, different things like that. So it definitely got worse as I got older. What year were you in high school? So I graduated in 2011. So basically from like 2006, 2005 to 2011, it was like I was really, you know, outside, basically. So you're about 30 now?

Yeah, I'm 30 years. A couple years older than me. And if we have like one of your high school friends with us today sitting down with us, what would they say about you to describe you back then? Very, very wild, very outgoing. Like I would, let's say, like you never knew what I would do. I was always smart, you know, I always had a good mind. I always, like, knew right from wrong and stuff.

But I didn't have much guidance. So I really didn't care. And like I said, I was more about, like, trying to prove myself than anything. Because, like I said, I was the only white kid in these certain bad areas. And, you know what I mean? I had to make, like, almost a name for myself. And I did it the wrong way. So like if people to describe me, they would say I'm loyal.

You know, I was always there for a lot of people. I always had people's backs. I would put people before me. And I think that's what caused me to go certain directions that I end up going. Yeah. I couldn't even imagine, you know, because you grew up so differently than like I grew up. Yeah. Just in that area.

I mean, us Danbury kids always heard horrible things about Hartford, Waterbury. So it was, I'm sure it was a much different experience. Yeah, definitely was different. Like I said, they definitely have good parts and good family and good place in East Hartford, just like they have good places in Hartford. You know, there's some streets you go down are beautiful, but you take a couple streets and it's completely different. It also depends on who you know and who you're associating yourself with.

Back then, I wasn't really associating myself with good people. It was people in the streets, people that was doing whatever I was doing. So, like, you know, I'm sure there's people who live there that if they mind their business and, you know, they just focus on whatever they're doing. They might not have to go through or went through things that I might have went through. Do you think that you were born and that childhood shaped who you would become? Yeah. Because I also, like, I have a cousin.

He's a police officer. And my aunt kept him, you know, she lived in Enfield, and she kept him in a bubble. She didn't let him come hang out with us on the weekends and stuff in the summer. She kept him in a bubble. And the proof is there. It shaped him. You know, he ended up being a police officer. but it shaped them to be the man he is now

because he didn't have to go through those issues or certain things that I ended up putting myself through. You know, he didn't have to deal with that. So he ended up focusing on a different lifestyle and a different career, which now he has a different life than me, you know? Yeah, I guess it poses a question, though, where do you draw the line as a parent because you don't want to shelter your kids

where they don't get any life experience, but you also don't want to give them too much leeway where they could go down a bad path. Exactly. How are you looking at it when you're raising your kids now? See, my thing, my biggest thing is breaking cycles. It doesn't necessarily have to, like, change everything completely.

It's just a lot of things that I felt as a kid. I would like my kids to not have to deal with. So the biggest thing about changing yourself is changing your environment. If you can't change your environment, you'll never change your life because you'll always still be around certain things that you can't necessarily get out of. Like I explained to people, like, if I lived in this neighborhood and it's not necessarily a neighborhood, But even if I mind my business, I'll be okay. But now I need to go to that corner store and get some milk.

Now I go and I see the same people. Now those people end up feeling comfortable. And then you end up putting yourself in a situation that you normally necessarily wouldn't be in just because you live there, you know, and wrong place, wrong time happens all the time. So with my kids, like, the first thing I did was change their environment. I moved them away from a lot of things and a lot of people I dealt with. And then I also cut off a lot of people that, necessarily, even though I loved them and cared about them, their lifestyle is too toxic or

they're not ready to grow. So at the time, they just can't be around my kids because my kids are all I have. I have a big family, but there's a lot of things wrong with my family. So I really only focus on my immediate family, like my girl, my kids, my stepson, my couple sisters, you know, and I keep the circle very tight. And I try to show my kids like, you know, your immediate family family is everything you know you can you don't have to have blood to be family you know you know they say blood's thicker than water but you need water to survive so you need to be able to have certain people that can be around you that will support you love you and have your back on any decision you make so i just try to give my kids those same type of morals that i live by you know at the same time

try to make them do things differently have their own mind do you think that if your mother had that real life-lived experience that you have now because you went through that your life would have turned out differently too? Yeah, I would there was a time okay we're in the future like I said me and my mother's relationships always been on and off. It's good now she's just going through a lot she's struggling with like drugs and stuff right now so she's like working on herself back when I was younger she was more in my life but very oblivious of the generation we grew up in and I remember there was a time I lived on Brown Street in Hartford, and I had a little cookout for my birthday. And my mom was over there, and there was this guy next door.

They shared a driveway with us, and they were driving quads and circles. And my mom, I don't know, she just took it out, like, out of her choice to be like, hey, jackass, like, watch out. And he's like, but did I hit your fucking car, bitch? No, you know, and I'm like, wow, like, you know, now me and him are exchange your words. And within seconds, they all pulled out guns. and my mom got to see that and I had to talk to the guy and he felt disrespect

I had to apologize because like he said I was the man of the house I should address the situation he doesn't know that's my mother you know at the end of day common sense is a woman you really but some people don't care

you know they don't live that life you know how old are you when that happened I was a little bit out of high school so maybe like 1920 that's a lot that's a big situation for a 1920 year old kid My mom got to see it firsthand, and she was very upset, but I taught her, you don't live here, I do. You know, this life is not like what everybody thinks, you know, it's different for different people.

So, you know, in my mother's world, everything was still the way she grew up, but the generation I'm growing up, I'm growing up in is completely different than a generation you grew up. And something so simple could have went left so quickly, you know what I mean? And I think she got a real taste of what, like, life could actually be on the other side, you know? So how old are you when things started to go left for you, when your life starts to... Well, the first time I got in trouble was probably like the end of middle school and beginning of high school, I got called weed. I got arrested a couple of bags. I got brought home.

They just gave me a summons. I went to court. But when I was about 16 years old, I was hanging around with these kids. And we all got charged with over 10 counts of burglary, six degree larceny, charges like that. And when we end up going to court, we end up just being guilty for one of them. This kid I knew he had stolen property, so they basically, you know, he was already guilty. And they wanted me to tell on him. So they came to my house with my mom, my stepfather, and they were like trying to interrogate me.

Since I was young, they had to talk to me with a parent. And I basically told him, you know, I don't know anything what you're talking about. And they were like, all right, we'll be back. And then my mother, she was like, do you have anything stolen in the house or anything? I was like, I'm going to be honest, I got this book bag, and I think he got some coins. I'm not sure, you know, but I'll just get rid of them. And then she was like, go get him. And when I went to go look for them, they were gone.

Like, what the heck? You know, the next day I come back, my stepfather found him and felt like it was a good idea to bring him to the police. So when he brought him to police, the police came back and they go, well, now we got this as evidence against you. You either tell on your boy or you're going down with him. I was like, I don't know anything. So I was 16 years old. It was the first time I got really arrested. Like I said, they charged with 10 counts, but they only pled me guilty to one.

I got three years probation, six suspended sentence. And then after that, it was just like downhill. Like, I could not catch a break just in and out of the system. And I think I was like, you know, they put me in programs. Because back then we was illegal, you know, and they would put me in programs, and I would do good and I would do good. And then they would just keep me there. and then I would smoke, you know, and then they would be like, oh, well, you're violated.

Now you got to do this or add consequence to put you on the bracelet, you know, whatever. And at the time, like I said, it wasn't really good with my family, so I didn't want to be at the house. So it was just like I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. I was supposed to go to school, but I was getting trouble in school for a little bit. So I would leave school early. And then that was part of my, like, criteria, basically go to school. So it was just like simple things that just was getting me in trouble. I didn't realize how far I was going to take it.

And then the first time I was in jail was my senior year. Everybody was walking the stage and I was in jail. I was in NYU. That's when I went to Little Cheshire. And I did six months. I did from June to December. Was that because of that initial charge? Yeah, that initial charge just because I kept getting away from it.

And then I was smoking and they were sending you to programs to basically give you drug tests. And I would always do good in the programs. It's just I just would smoke sometimes. and that would always be the time they would test me and I would get in trouble. Now, were you even a part of that initial robbery? No, no, I just knew the kids that might have had something to do with it. So your whole high school years got screwed up because you were involved with something that you weren't directly involved with.

Yeah, wrong place, wrong time. The system wasn't designed to rehabilitate you, which is designed to put you into programs that set you up to fail. Yes. And then you kept violating. Like, I've encountered so many people that they're, they'll get. an initial sentence of three years, say. They're ending up doing 10 because they keep getting probation violations.

That was like same thing with me. It just kept coming back and it would always be the original, but then maybe it would get a little worse or something, and then it would just add more time, add more time. And it's like, you're stuck. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? It's the real California farm families behind it. Real people.

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With agents who close twice as many deals, when you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started at redfin.com. Own the dream. You're basically stuck. How to make you feel that you were in jail while your high school class was graduating? I was very frustrated. I was scared too, you know.

Everybody's like, you know, acts like they're the toughest. But at that time, you don't, you watch movies, you hear about it. You're like, is this really going to happen like this? Am I going to have to get a knife, you know, and like fight for my life? So, and then even on the way over there, I'm with the older people. And they're like, oh, you're going to Gladiator School. Little Cheshire, I was glad to be ready to fight, you know. And when I first got there, you could feel the tension, you can understand.

And after a while, like, you know, when I first went in, I thought I had to, like, fight my cellie. But he was like, nah, like, you're good. Wait, wait, tell me that. So you went into your cellmate? They tried to play a funny joke. Like, you know, in the future, you end up participating, but you walk in, they're like, oh, fresh meat, bossy blah. And then you're just kind of like wait in there.

And then the way it is, they have high side and low side. So the high side was out for a wreck. In Cheshire, their cottages. So each wing, there's three different wings. And then there's like six cells or 12 cells and two for each. Right? So mine was the first. I ended up being in cell one.

And it's right. in the day room basically. It's very small. Like, you don't leave your wing. And, you know, they were like, you know, joking, oh, fresh meat, this. Oh, I got a honey bun, buzzing bun. You're like, yeah, all right, all right. And then you go in to the selling, like, oh, we're just messing with you. And you realize that it's really just a bunch of kids your age going through similar things that you're going through. Same emotion, same feeling. You know, they're nervous too. They're scared too. They want to go home, too, you know. So it was crazy, though, because my mom, she didn't send me no more. money or anything like that. I didn't put no money up. I was so young. And little Cheshire is 23 and 1. So this was right before DCF took over. Because when I was in there, this kid died. He got shot with like, he was from Bridgeport or something. He got shot with like a shotgun or the BBs went into his legs. He wasn't, he didn't say anything. And they got infected. He ended up dying in the cell and the other wing. But DCF picked up right after it because kids were really starving.

I lost like 20-something pounds, you know, being in there in that time without food. Like by the time I went back to court, my mom seen how skinny I was. I was like, yeah, you need food to like survive because in here you're going to starve. And then now I guess it's a little bit better because it gave you bigger portions.

But at the time, you know, it wasn't. What are the psychological effects being 18 locked in to sell 23 hours a day? I had a cellie the first time. So that was okay. You know, you have somebody to talk to, but you learn them. Within a day, within a day, they're a best friend, you know, what their mom's name is, you know, what girlfriend misses them and stuff like that.

So you end up learning a lot about people. But when I was there by myself, I didn't have a celly for like three weeks. I didn't have a TV, just had a little bit of commissary. Like, it would drive you insane. You would have to work out or you'd have to read or do something to try to keep yourself busy. And I already graduated. So I wasn't going to school with all the kids and stuff. I was in that cell.

You know, luckily I ended up getting like. a little tier job and then I ended up moving in with this kid who worked in the little kitchen and it became easier as time came by but it was hard now some of these kids are killers right like they're when I was in there there was these six kids they had green jumpers on that means a million dollar bond every jail is different but and my i is million dollar bonds that means they're not going home and uh or usually you know but there was these six kids that they were in a shooting and they accidentally shot one of their boys right in the back of the head.

So six people shooting at, you know, other people, and they shot one of their best friends in the back of the head because they're 16 years old shooting guns. They don't know what they're doing. You don't have aimed. They don't have experience, you know? So they were actually in jail for killing their friend. And they all were, you know, didn't mean to do it, you know?

When you see kids like that and you're that age, are you thinking, like, my life could be like that too if I don't get it together? So there's, like I told everybody, The last time I just, I went back for two years. I went during 2020. I went during COVID. That was the hardest bid that I've done so far because of all the circumstances. But there's this experience in there with this guy.

I tell the story to everybody. So at the time, it's this Trinidadian guy. And he was born and raised in Trinidad. And he came out here when he was younger. And he got in some beef in his neighborhood. I think he was from Stanford. And the guy threatened his mother in him. said that they were going to kill him and he actually killed them he went back and got the guy before

he got him so he said like in his country if you make threats like that you actually really go through with him so you know he did what he had to did whatever so i think he got about like 29 years 27 years and at the time i'm i was 26 or 27 and he was basically down for 25 almost 26 years so late night we're sitting on the bunk and we're talking and he just looks at me he goes What's the furthest memory you can think of? And I'm like, probably second grade. You know, I remember this girl. We kissed on the bus.

You know, like, I remembered it. So I'm like, it's probably as far as I could think of. He was like, all right, now think of, you know, you went to elementary school, middle school. Think about the times you had girlfriends, good times, bad times. Times you were upset. Times you hung out with your friends, you know, like different, you went out of vacations. I was like, yeah, when I had vacations with my family. He's like, all right, think about all those times.

Now, you got kids now, right? Yeah, I got a kid. So I think about that time, relationships, you know, family, pass away, friends, high school, you know. That whole time, I've been sitting on this bunk. I was like, I don't know why, but it hit me so deep. I'm like, I'm thinking about everything I'm done in my life. And this whole time this man's been in jail sitting right here wasting his life. You know, that's what scared me.

That's what caused me to come home and change my life. and be like, all right, the way you're going, you're either going to end up in here. Because if it's me or you don't, I'm going to pick me. So I'm going to end up, you know, either dead or in jail for the rest of my life if I don't change my ways in the direction I was going. And that, those words, like, haunt me. But in a good way, like, I think about it all the time.

You know, it's just, it's crazy that to think that my whole life, this man has been right here. And I thought about everything I've gone through. And I'm like, I couldn't imagine sitting here for 20. 30 years, I got doing nothing. I mean, what you're saying is powerful. Yeah. And, you know, that's why people are listening to your story right now on the show

because they want to avoid that. Yeah. Or they're curious about what you went through. And that same hope that that guy gave you, you're passing down to countless others. That's why I try to tell certain people, you know, like even like some of my cousins, they're good and they're better off than I am, but they didn't necessarily go the direction I did. They're just ahead of me by, you know, maybe their credits better.

Maybe they didn't get a criminal wreck. And I try to show them, like, you guys can do so much. If I can figure this out, like, you guys can definitely figure it out. But you don't have to figure out the hard way like I did. Like, I was very hardheaded. I'm like, it doesn't matter what nobody told me. I was like, I'm going to figure this out, you know. Yeah.

So you got out that NYU situation. So I got it happens after that. I got an MII. When I got out, you know, I met my girlfriend or whatever. I was with my girlfriend that I'm still with now. So this is 10 years. ago. Well, yeah, but we ended up separating after that, but I was dating her at the time. Like I said, I raised her son from about six months to five. So after that, we lived in Manchester a little bit. I kept, I would get in trouble, like I said, I would go back 30 days. Because after that six months, I still had three years probation. For that same original charge. Yeah, for the same original charge. When I ended up on my six months, I ended up going to court because I was going through court throughout that time. And my lawyer basically got me time served. So I got six months from my charge. And after that, it was just three years probation.

So I was like going through that. And then there would just be times I would get caught with weed or like in my town. Around that time, I sold a lot of weed. So I would get pulled over and I would always have something in the car. So I think I got my medical marijuana license like 2017. And I had it for a long time because I was tired again and pulled over. And they look at my record. You got anything in the car?

Of course, you know, like it was just a hassle. But around that time, I was in and out, in and out. And then that's when I got my gun charge. I recall it a gun. So they gave me two mandatory minimum, six suspended three years probation. So in Connecticut, mandatory minimum, I had to go. It was still 50% because it's nonviolent, but I had no good time. So that first time, I'm going to Big Boy jail.

You know, I went to Corrigan and Rogowski. Corrigan is like New London and Norwich's county Raghowski is like a different part you know it's like Willard and Syboski it's on the other side and that was like the first time I went to like grown jail

Why do you have a gun? You know you're a felon Why do you have a gun? Well at the time I wasn't a felon At the time now I got arrested But it wasn't a maybe actually Maybe it probably Yeah maybe it was like a Class C

You know But at the time like You know you could pay for a lawyer You can't buy a new kid You know, around my time, I hustled a lot because, you know, I've been on my own so I was 15. I had my first apartment, like, my senior year. My buddy B, he showed me the ropes. I was young age, and he showed me how to, like, hustle, basically.

And, you know, I always felt like because I wasn't selling, like, hard drugs, that I wasn't really doing nothing bad. I'm just selling weed, you know? And half of it was to my friends all the time. I'm like, I might as well capitalize off this, make some money, you know. And I end up actually becoming really good at it. And so throughout my life, it was, I wore a lot of jewelry. I always had money in my pocket. I dressed very nice.

Had nice things. I always had motorcycles, stuff like that. So where I live, you know, people envy people like me. You know, they look at me like I'm a target. And there's been a couple of situations where I had to, like, basically protect myself. So I basically was just carrying my gun from my protection. You know, I know I couldn't go and get one, but I wasn't willing to lose everything or die. You know, just because I wasn't prepared.

So I, you know, started living in a certain way. And like I said, when you live in that lifestyle, it just comes with it, you know. What was your plan? Like, did you think that you were going to eventually get out of the lifestyle? So my plan was always like everybody else's plan. I'm going to make enough money to, like, get a business and then just get out of it. But the money's addicting, you know, you start making money that you've never seen before, you know. And you see what your teacher made and you see how your mom's struggling.

You like to be able to here to give you. your grandma, a couple hundred dollars. Oh, my mom needs her car paid here. Here's a couple hundred dollars. I'm a sister needs some groceries. Here's a couple hundred dollars. And if I wouldn't have did what I did, I wouldn't have been able to help my family or help certain people.

So there wasn't an end goal for a long time until I got a little bit older and I got a little bit better with it. And I was like, all right, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to start, you know, doing things legit. But at the time, there was no end goal. It was just try to make as much money as I can and live as long as I can because all my friends were passing away around that age. People were getting killed. People were, you know,

just dying, car accidents, different things. So you're like, I guess I'll just make the best of it as, you know, as long as I can. I didn't really have much to live for it until I had my kids. You know? Once I had my kids, it was different. You didn't have purpose or direction.

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No, so this was the first time. This was the original. So this was 2016. I got two years. years. So I had to go, I ended up going to Raghowski. When I first got there, it's like block. So it's like, you know, a unit, unit, unit, and then it's like beds in like a U shape and their cubes. So it was very open. I wasn't used to. It was like 112 guys all, everybody's open because I was in county for a little bit a few times. I seen how those dorms were. And then now when I went up the way, now I'm like, it's a little bit different, but it's still the same. But a lot of these guys been here a long time, A lot of them got a long time to go. So when I first got there, I was like, I got to do something.

Because that first week it drove me sane. I'm like, I can't believe I'm here. Like, I can't be stuck inside all day. And I went to orientation. They said they had outside clearance jobs if I was a certain level. And I was so happened to be a level two, three. So when they called for everybody to come to the jobs, nobody went. And I'm looking like, what's the catch?

Why is nobody getting it? because they're basically saying you can go outside. People are like, oh, I'm not going to work for 75 cents. I'm like, I'm going outside because I need to survive. Like, this is going to drive me insane. I signed up. I was doing DOT on the side of the highway two weeks later.

I was on the side of highway picking up garbage. You were one of the guys with the best. And I was just sentenced. So I was like, all right, like, maybe I'll make the best of this. And I think they gave you like $15 every month or something. Yeah. So what's it like to be a garbage picker when you're in prison on the side of the highway? Because nowadays, like, you know how people litter, you can't litter out my car.

I'll pull the car over and make you pick it up because I was actually in those situations. I'm like, I was picking up. But you'll be surprised so many people would drive by and throw cigarettes and stuff out the window. Just looking. Are like girls yelling at the window too? Like people yell. You know, some people, they notice you if they know. They'll just say, hey, or they yell.

A lot of people with those cigarettes. You'd always seem like cigarettes going. And where's the guards stay? So they at when you're with DOT or whatever, you're with the state worker, it's just him and you. Usually it's if you have under two years. If you run away or they call it a walk off, you'll automatically get 18 months. So if you have eight months left, you're, you're not going to walk. It doesn't make sense.

You'll get more time leaving than to just sit here and wait your eight months. Did you see anyone escape? Yeah. So when I was at Rikowski, I worked DOT and then they have a farm. So I ended up getting to be on. the farm, there's about six guys. So they had two alpacas, two sheep, three goats, and like 50 chickens, but they were the ones that mowed all the lawns and did a bunch of work outside. So I got hired to do that. And there was this guy, I think he had maybe like a few weeks left, five

weeks, six weeks, and he got an argument with his girlfriend on the phone. He heard another guy, and he was mowing the lawn the next day. And they're like, yo, you seen Jay? And he was like, I haven't seen him all day And then next thing you know As we're going in They're like calling it in And he ended up getting caught And they brought him back like two days later

I guess his dad came and picked him up Put him in the trunk or something And then brought him back two days later But like I said he got more time So you were the prison farmer So they have I think they do it as like a tax write off So in when

Because I believe they closed the annex part now But when I was going there They had the annex part So they have the inside garden crew Where they had gardeners They grew all these vegetables and stuff. I worked on the outside of the fence. So I would mow because Corrigan is their county, but you also have lifers in Corrigan.

So like they're not going outside, you know. So we're mowing all their properties and everything on outside and inside the fence. But at the same time, they had animals. So we're taking care of the animals. We're getting the eggs. They were like selling the eggs to like the COs and different things. And they had like two alpacas. I really don't understand why they had them.

but I'm pretty sure they had it for like a tax ride off. And then they had peacocks. I built this peacock cage, me and this guy out of like wood from the woods, you know? It was like a petting zoo outside of a jail. It was crazy. Did you like get to like hang out with the animals? Yeah, like every day. Like there was three goats.

Like we would go in and they had like toys and stuff. We'd mess around with them. They would feed them. The alpaca. I got into a situation. I almost got in trouble over the alpaca because it spit on me. And I kind of like grabbed it. real quick as like a reaction.

You almost got to a fight with an alpaca. Because they do this thing where they lean their head back and you don't realize that you're just trying to feed it. They're like, oh, go feed the alpaca. But they all knew and they always did it to the new guy. And he would just, you look at you and he would hawk spit right on you. Right. Get you so angry.

I got to say this is a first man. I don't think I've ever heard of a story like this before. It was crazy. Like I said, they had just a bunch of animals. You know, I don't know why, but they had like this little crew. We would just take care of them. And like I said, it definitely helped my time get by, you know. Probably help mentally, too, to have those animals.

Because they would send us in the wood and we would cut down trees that were already laying and then we would split the cords of wood and then they would sell the cords of wood and make money for the jail and different things. Wow. So you got through with that and then what happens next that you go back to prison. So that time I ended up getting out. I met my son's mom. I had my son. This is your first son. Yeah, so that's my first son.

His name's Xavier. So I end up having him and that was good. but me and her had a very rocky relationship. She was very toxic. A lot of things we went through towards the end of her pregnancy, we ended up splitting up. And I had bought her this car. It was like this Nissan Maximum.

At the time, I had a few cars, and I would drive my sister's car because, you know, I was doing my thing, and I would move around in different cars. So I gave her $1,000 to register and share the car. She said she took care of it. So one day I went to go drop her off, and she got mad over some, you know, something dumb.

on Facebook and she wanted me to come pick her up. So on the way back, we're coming past Cheney Tech, and this cop kind of comes out. And I jump on the highway to go towards Hartford, and the cop follows me and pulls me over. He's like, oh, do you know why I pulled you all? I'm like, I didn't even think you could follow me on the highway. And he's like, oh, like we can. And I can smell weed from your car, all this stuff. I'm like, oh, I don't got anything.

He's like, well, your car is not insured. So I'm looking at her. I'm like, I gave you the money. And because I was in the rush, I had two pounds in my trunk. Oh, man. So I'm like, oh, man, I'm done, you know. So my girlfriend's mother at the time,

I told the cop, I'm like, since we're right off the highway, it's kind of dangerous. My son's a newborn. Her mom lives right down the street, can she pick up my child? He's like, yeah, no problem. So the mom comes, and when the mom comes,

I give her my son, and I try to give her the duffel bag, you know? And he's like, no, no, not the duffel bag, just the baby. I'm like, oh, it's the baby stuff. And he was like, nah. And I knew I was screwing. because my son was there and everything.

So, once I came back, he was like, do you have anything in your pocket? I was like money. He was like, how much money you had? I had six grand in my pocket. I'm wearing like a jumpsuit. I got jewelry on. Like, he already knew.

You know, so he ends up finding the two pounds. I'm already in cuffs. I'm in the car. I'm like, you know, just let my girlfriend go. Like, that's mine. She knew nothing about it. Like, she had no idea. Like, that's mine.

He's like, all right, I'll do that. So he ends up letting my child's mom drive off. which is the end of being the reason I end up winning the case because you can't pick and choose when the law works. You can't pull me over and say she's driving illegally, find what you're looking for, and then allow her to drive illegally. It doesn't work that way.

Oh, so you beat the case. So I beat the case. But they screwed me because for one, and if you look up the court document, like if you look up the case or whatever, in the news article, it says they only caught me with 4,300. When I had proof, I had six grand, because I just got my taxes.

So I went and took the $6 grand. I was going to push it with my money and buy a car. So they screwed me with the money. And then I proved where the money came from. So when I went to court, they basically were like, well, you got to cop out to the weed and you got to cop out with endangerment to a minor because your kid was in a car.

If not, you have to plead guilty to all these felonies. So I took the plea bargain. And I was supposed to get the money. but when it came to sentences, they were like, basically, if you want the money, we're going to give you your year and your year consecutive.

So you're going to have to do a year and then do another year. Or you forget about the money and you do the year concurrent. I was like, wow, they really got me for that money. I was like, you know what? I'll make more money in a year. So I just let them have it.

So that kind of like violated my probation. So now when I go back, I got six suspended. So the way it works, if you got two to serve, six suspended, technically you got four left. You know, because I did a year in jail and a year on parole successfully. So I technically have four years left because I didn't finish my three years probation.

I was at like two and a half years. I was trying to get it reinstated. And the prosecutor at Rockville court, she told me, she's like, the next time I told you, like when I see you, like I was going to put you back and she kept her word. So they put me back. So they end up giving me too flat. So I came home to no probation. None of that.

When I went during COVID, it was, that was the roughest time I've been in jail, I will say, especially in Connecticut for a lot of people. You know, Connecticut jails compared to a lot of other jails are like softer jails. You know, and a lot of other jails, the inmates run it. Like, the seals are just there to make sure everything's okay. Like, out here in Connecticut, like, the correctional officers,

like control it because everybody don't want to lose. Everybody just wants to go home, you know? So it's a little bit different. But during COVID, it was probably the worst experience. I went to Willard-Syboski, and then I ended up catching a ticket. So I caught a ticket, and then I ended up going to Carl Robinson. And when I went to Carl Robinson, the first time I was like let, they brought me to nine building.

So I guess it's like numbers. So I was in nine to ten, that's like level two, three. You know, people who got like less than a year or around two, two years. So I was there and they did a count and I just came out of SEG for seven days in solitary. I'm just listening to headphones. I'm not thinking. I know if I'm singing a song. Next thing you know, everybody's looking at me. I'm like, they're like, oh, they're doing count. I'm like, oh, my bad. The CO takes my ID. So I'm like, damn. So now they finish count. I go to the bubble. I'm like, you know, I apologize. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't

mean to. I just came out of SEG. I didn't know. He's like, nah. And they were We're training other COs, so he was trying to teach me a lesson. I gained an argument with him, and he pressed the button. When he pressed the button, they came, they put me in cuffs, and they gave me interfering safety, safety and security, just for singing on count. Because you're interfering with count. I don't think I've ever asked this question on this podcast, which is fascinating in itself, but can you explain the audience what count time is and what also then what hitting the button

means as a CO. So count the way they do it. It depends on shift change in certain things or even if there's an incident. They'll do a count and the way it works out here is you have to stay on your bunk or in your cell. But if you're in your cell, you're okay. But if you're in a dorm or anything, you stay on your bunk and you stay there and the CO will walk around and basically count the bunks and make sure that everybody who's supposed to be there is there. You know, so it's basically like taking attendance for the jail. and you stay on your bunk until all the units send their paperwork in and they clear it. So, and the button, the way they do it, all the correctional officers, they have panic buttons.

We call them like the old shit button. Like, you know, in case they get into something, they press the button and you'll see correctional officers you've never seen in your life show up. Giant big guys. You're like, where did all these G.I. J.J. Yeah, you're like, where did all these guys come from? You know, Carl Robinson was, I've seen a lot of codes, a lot of fights, a lot of fights. But it was scary because of COVID. In the beginning, well, towards, I went in about October, and COVID came around February, March, and they started shutting us down.

And we're watching it on the news, like, it's a zombie apocalypse. Like, we think the world is falling apart, and we're calling home. And people are like, we got extra 600 a month. Oh, yeah, you guys got the COVID money, right? See, as an inmate, you can get that. Yeah, you could do it. Like my family or whatever, they did it for me. So I ended up coming home to that money.

Yeah, I gave some of it to my son so he can buy some clothes and stuff while I was in there. But yeah. Didn't the COVID money increase the ecosystem in prison? Yes and no. Like, it got, because in the beginning, really, it sounds crazy, but drugs are really a big part of jail. So in the beginning, like, they sell Suboxins. Suboxins are like what helps you, like, get off a hair. heroin, but in jail, that's a gold mine.

So something that your insurance will give you out here and there you can make $150 each piece. You know what I mean? So there was guys I've seen in their 10, $20,000 on their commissary, you know, even sending money home, taking care of their family through that stuff. So when I was there, the money was flowing. And when they took away the visits and people start calling, that's when you've seen, like, a lot of people struggling.

But like you said, they did help people. they um but really it was the money going home to your family they were able to send you more money you know to help you while you're in there but you could definitely claim claim that money um if you had your family do it on the outside they were showing you how to do it from jail as well now before we get to the covid stuff you had mentioned you'd seen a lot of crazy fights yeah what was like the all-time craziest fight you saw well the most bloodiest one there was this guys and it was like al and there was just like um this like as like as like as like as like kid for I think he was actually from Danbury and um he was a guy forgot his name but we used to

play poker a lot in jail like that's like a big thing so he gave and the guy was a little bit older it was his bunky he gave him money to buy in he gave him a jerk pork so that's like three dollars you know so he gave him that to buy him and when we were all you know playing for a while and then after he's like you know you want to cook because I was a good cook so I was like yeah you know just give me whatever you got. So when he opened his locker, he's seen another jerk pork pork was gone. He's like, hmm, you know,

he's asking around a couple people that he allows to go. And are you seeing anything? No. So he's like, for ha-haz, let me just go to the poker guy because he writes down everything people put in.

He goes, did anybody come in and buy with another jerk pork? He was like, oh, well, your, your, your celly did. He was like, no, I know. I gave it to him. He was like, no, he came with another one. So he's like, oh, okay.

So he goes. He goes to the poker. room comes, pulls him back. He goes, and he's sitting on the bump. My bunk is right next to his. His is right here. He's sitting on the bunk, and he's sitting on his locker. He's facing him.

He's like, I just want to ask you, like, did you still, did you take this out? And he denied it. He's getting, like, frustrated. He's like, I just want to ask you, did you, you know? And he lied, and he punched him so hard. But like the way the bunk beds are, there's like a ladder on the opposite side. You know, so this side is open, but this side has a left. for, you know, the guy to get up on top.

And he hit his head just perfect. And they probably punched him two more times and he was out. And then as, like, I'm looking over, I'm like, oh, man, because in certain situations, even if you get involved, they'll put you in solitary just for investigation and be, you'll keep you there four days. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, you weren't involved. I just thought you were on the camera. So sometimes getting too close, you can't really get too close.

So I'm like, I'm like, you're okay? Like, you know, put the towel over your head. and he's, you know, in jail, all the sheets and everything are white, and his whole sheet was red, you know, and then he stood up, and he just walked clean, like, straight to the bubble, and he was pouring blood all over his face. He split his head perfect. And they pressed the cold, they rushed him, and, you know, they're going and they're looking at everybody. They're telling everybody get on their bunks. They want to check everybody's hands because they're thinking they hit this guy with a lock. He was bleeding so bad. They're looking for, like, socks and locks and stuff. stuff and this kid is just sitting there packing all his stuff and they're not even paying him no mind because they wouldn't even suspect it to be him and then when they looked at the cameras they were like it's him and it's like the only kid who's packing all his stuff you know but even the next day they came like talking like all like how could you guys allow this like him to like hit him with a lock and they were like he didn't hit him with a lock like that was his fist that little

kid just hit him perfect you know and split his whole head but there was a it was a couple of fights, you know, like, and it was always over something stupid. Like, you say it now, like, would you fight over 35 cents? Like, right now, if I took 35 cents with you, would you fight over it? That's crazy. No, right? But in there, a soup, a ramen noodle packet costs 37 cents. You will fight over that in jail.

Now, when stuff like this happens, guys customarily stay away from it because they don't want to get involved. There's been times where people are fighting five, ten minutes, and they're right here in the back corner, and everybody's doing their own thing. And like if you start to gather, other people tell you, yo, move, mind your business, let them do what they do, you know? Because there's people who fought and then they get away with it

and they go this way and this way, shake hands. Because in jail, there's no guns. You know, I know people use knives and certain things, but that's really to see who's tougher. You know, like if you have a problem with somebody, it's man on man. You know, there's been a lot of times with people jump in if they're in gangs and stuff.

But, like, that's really, like, the best way to solve it. in their situation. You can't shoot somebody. You can't do certain things. Just man on man. So COVID happens. Yeah.

Pandemic. It was terrible. Who's like the first, or what are the first inmates getting sick from? Like, what's that experience like? Okay. So they tried to tell the news and stuff like, oh, it's all under control. But it really wasn't. And it spread like wildfire.

One day maybe a couple people had it. They were sick. They would get tested and they would take them out. And then there was a point in time where they went to go do count and we woke up and everybody was sick in bed. You know, and there's 60 bunks, 112 people not getting up. You know, so they knew there was a problem. And, you know, the CEOs were the ones really bringing it in. We're here.

We don't have germs. Believe it or not, in prison, it's very clean because there's no germs in and out. People aren't moving in and out. People have been here five, ten years, you know. So as far as health, you're not getting it. sick as much in certain prisons. But it got really bad and they were trying to hide it. Then they were like, oh, we'll give you free phone calls

or let you guys keep the TV on to 2 in the morning. But then it got to a point where now, you know, there's the way Carl Robinson is, there's buildings, there's two wings, 60 bunks on each wing. We got to a point where, you know, it's an open compound. You would walk to the gym. You would walk to rec. You would walk to, you know, chow.

But they didn't have anybody walk. So they stayed in your building. They started bringing your child. So we all kind of knew what was up. But like I said, we're looking on the news and it's like saying it's crazy and people are kind of like enjoying it. So it was hard for us to believe. And out of nowhere, they started taking, like they were showing up in like bubble suits and taking us out of the back of Carl Robinson. And everybody who was sick was going to Northern.

So we were all terrified because Northern is a level one, two. They got Def Row in Northern. They reopened the facility just to house all the inmates to try to keep it controlled. So not only are you finding out you're sick, you're like, what if I go to this prison and they just don't come back? You know, like you don't know what to think and mess with everybody. Everybody was terrified because you really didn't know what was going on. They were just taking you away and trying to isolate you. And then when it got to a point where they couldn't control it, they were like, we're just going to leave everybody where they at.

You know, and they would keep you away for two weeks and say, okay, well, you know, you're good now and now go back. But everybody had it. And by the time they sent, like, the people to come and test, you know, I was sick in the beginning. By the time they test me, I tested negative. But I know for a fact that I had it at one point, I just never tested positive for it. But that was crazy, too. It made a lot of people rebel and this one building rioted, basically. This was the first time since the 90s

They brought the riot squad to Carl Robinson All because of the pandemic Yeah, because this building I want to say it I was in two buildings I want to say it was like three or four building Or five or six It was one side

But they started refusing all the chowls So they were like, we don't want to eat We don't want none of this And every day they started doing it And then they basically came in the talk And somebody threw a battery And hit the CO on the face So they were like

that's it. So they took almost everybody out of that building and sent them to Cheshire. What was the other big one? Oh, not Willard. They just sent them to all the, like higher prisons and they just got rid of them, you know. But it was crazy. Like, we felt the ground shaking. You look up and these guys are like marching in.

We're like, what is going on? Were they giving inmates medicine? Like, if you said, I'm sick, you know, I'm in. what's a process? They were giving you medicine, but really not much, you know, because like I said, a lot of people who were sick, they knew that if they tested, they were tested positive. So in the beginning, a lot of people who were sick suffered.

People around you were just looking out for you. We were bringing you food, like, you know, looking out for each other. Like, we knew you were sick, and we knew you didn't want to say nothing, so I was going to look out for you or you're bunky or, you know, it was, it brought all of us very close. But there was this one week, everybody just started fainting. Like, and the way they are in Carl Robinson, their showers are right outside the toilets. And they have shower curtains, but there's not much, you know, privacy.

And literally three guys out of our dorm fainted out of the shower, you know, hit the ground out cold. I don't know if it was because of the steam, it was so hot and they were sick or they were lightheaded or whatever it was. But it was just weird. It was three guys. And then there was this one old guy he died. Like, he didn't get up for breakfast. They're like, what's going on? He didn't get up for lunch.

and they checked him. He was dead. Were there a lot of inmates dying from COVID in prison? What were they doing about it? They really weren't doing much, though. Towards the middle of it, they started releasing certain people that had bad asthma, older people or people with, you know, short sentences that really could just do it at their house. You know, they started, they did start to release people early, but that was after it was already crazy.

It was already spread to all the jails. You know, everybody was looking. were looking on TV, they were right, like protesting for people in jail. So that's when they started to like really make decisions. All right, we got to do something to try to get these people. Do you think inmates were neglected and put last? 100% because of the pandemic and because they were inmates? 100%. Because even in the beginning, the COs that, you know, they didn't really care what you did because they didn't want to get too close to you because they didn't know what it really was. They wanted to go home to their family. Some of them, they were.

saying that they would, you know, had to sleep in the basement. They couldn't even lay with their kids. So it was just a scary thing for everybody because nobody really knew what the outcome was. They just see all these people dying and all this stuff. And you're like, wow, like this could happen to any one of us, you know. We're just like trying to stay healthy and pray that we're not the ones that gets that sick, you know. What about staffing levels? How was that affected?

And were you guys mistreated because staffing levels were so low. Yeah. So a lot of people were calling out and a lot of them were getting sick. So they were understaff. So if you're under staff, now we're not, there's no movement. So today they might have been like, we were going to let you go out to wreck and get some fresh air. But now we're short staff, so you got to stay in here. And you're like, damn, like, this was the first time in weeks.

We could have went out. So people just get upset. It was very, very hostile environment. A lot of fights. A lot of people just aggressive, just angry. Because even though you're in jail, you need that separation. You need to be able to, you know, walk get some air, cool off, you know, get away from somebody. you know, and with that, they just kept us, like, enclosed more than we were, you know?

So do you feel like when staffing's low in these prisons and staff shortages happen, your basic human rights are taken away from you? Yeah, because they don't care, you know, like, you know, they don't care if they lock down. If there's not enough correction officers, oh, we just lock them down today. And now you're not, you can't do anything. Now somebody that was coming to visit you, and maybe that could have been the only, time they could visit you. They come all the way to the jail and they go, I'm sorry, we're on lockdown. What if your mom drove two hours to come out here? And this was the only day this month

you could do it. You haven't seen your family or your grandma was sick. She wanted to talk to you. You know, and you come all the way out here. And now they go, I'm sorry, you're on lockdown. How long were they preventing you guys from having visits during COVID? I had the whole year. We went to the whole year. So I got there about October and I left about October the following year 2020. And from March to when I left, there was no visits. What about video visits? They were just introducing tablets and videos as I was leaving.

You know, like my buddy right now, he's in the feds. I talked to him. They got it out there. But as far as Connecticut, they just started, you know, getting introduced to stuff like that. Were they giving you guys masks to wear? So they gave us masks in the beginning, right? but then they were giving us these custom masks that were made out of jail clothes.

So they were tan masks, like the same tans that you would wear your vest and stuff. But now it's coming from Osborne and they showed it on the news everybody in Osborne was sick. But you're sending all these, how you know they don't have germs on them? Like it was just crazy.

Like the way it was supposed to know, you know, they were just winging it. They were just literally winging it. Yeah, we all had to have the mask, but if we were all sick, you know, what was the mask for? too late. Should have brought the mask five months ago, you know? Now, inmates get really creative. Were they creating any, like, concoctions that they thought would, like, help other inmates feel

better, like a soup dish or, like, some type of medicine they were making? No, not necessarily medicine, you know, they just, some people customize their masks and stuff, but there wasn't nothing like crazy like that. No medicine, home remedies or anything. Yeah, that's surprising. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like they could get creative and do something like that. I've seen some of the biggest talent in there, you know, just as far as, like, tattoo artists, people who can sew, people who can draw. I've had a bunch of people do handkerchiefs, do portraits and different things. What do you think the prison system could do differently for their next pandemic, if it ever were to occur?

I would just say, just be more honest. Stop trying to hide it. If they didn't hide it, they could ask for more help. You know what I mean? They were trying to be like, oh, we got to act like we got this under control. So before they can control it, it was already too late. It should have been like, listen, this is going to spread. We need to figure out a plan, like, you know, how to do this ahead of time. It's really hard because the only way really would be to keep the correctional officers away from us. Like if there was a way that they can do their job where they're not right there because

they're the ones bringing in the germs. We're in the jail. We don't have the COVID. You're bringing the COVID in. You know, so it's hard because even people who would take a test and would say they're negative two days later, they're positive. And what about just communication? Do you think the staff could have communicated to put your-

mind at ease. Well, they did. I wouldn't say that they didn't always do that. A lot of them did because, like I said, a lot of them were scared. A lot of them were new. A lot of them were like, listen, man, like, we're worried just like you. Like, we're not going to bother you guys. You guys do what you, like, kind of, you know, as long as you're falling the rules,

like, we're not going to bother you as much as we normally would, you know, and we'll just try to be safe. You know, they were trying to make it home to their families just like we were, you know? Did you see guys lose loved ones from COVID on the outside? Even, even like me, my great-grandmother. she died right before, well, like a right around the time. And she was so, she was 97 years old. Or, no, I think she was like 100 at this time.

She was pretty old. But she ended up dying. And now that when they looked into it, they go, maybe it was because of COVID, because it was right around that time. There's a lot of people right before COVID, elderly people who passed, you know. So, yeah, I definitely feel like it was hard. I knew a few people who was like, you know, relatives passed away, you know. And it was hard.

Like, my cousin passed away. due to, you know, something else. And because of COVID, I couldn't go to the funeral, you know. And same thing with my grandma. Since she was my great-grandmother, not my grandmother, I couldn't go. You know, but she's the reason my family existed, you know. Yeah, I think it's definitely going to be good for our audience to hear this totally. Because everyone listening lived through COVID.

Yeah. Not everyone lived through it in your position. Like I said, it was very hard. You know, you didn't really get to see your family as you wanted to. And like I said, that was, it made you feel helpless. Like, because you're like, I want to protect my family. I want to make sure everybody's okay. But you don't know what's going on.

You're seeing the news. You're hearing this. And then you're calling home and people are out to eat eating shrimp, you know? I know. It's tough. So it was definitely hard, though. And I'm sure when you got out, the world was way different from when you went in. It was way different.

What were some of those, like, differences? Just like certain work jobs. Like, I've seen a lot of people wear masks. You know, I was just in line one day. And I was waiting for my food. and this elderly couple was like, you know, you're too close. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. So I've seen a lot of people get, like, really protective with their boundaries and stuff

like that. But then, you know, after a while, kind of just faded away. Like, people just, you know. No, you had been on probation for a while. Yeah. Pre-pandemic. Yeah. Did you notice a lot of changes during the pandemic?

Because in my eyes, I had a very easy time on supervised release because of the pandemic. So, yeah, I had a very easy time. I will say that helped me a lot. Like I said, this last time, when before I came home, I was like, I'm going to change my whole life. Because of that meeting with that guy. So I end up coming out and having another son. So I have two sons and my stepson. But yeah, I was like, this time is going to be different.

And when I was on parole, because I had to finish a year on TS, basically, they did non-reporting. And it was like through FaceTime. And she FaceTime me like maybe twice, three times. And it was literally just like check in every once in a while. And that was it. They put me on the bracelet when I first came home. I got to cut my own bracelet off. She was like, yeah, you can cut it off?

I'm like, you sure? She's like, yeah. I did the same thing. Yeah, cut mine off and stuff. I texted my probation officer like twice just to confirm. Yeah, I did it. You said 12, right? Okay.

Yeah, I did the same exact thing. And then I just end up finishing it. They never bothered me. I heard they got a little bit more stricter now back to normal. But around that time, it was very easy. Yeah, low level offenders. They didn't pay any attention to. Which is good.

though you know because I've been in a situation where when I was on parole and I was dealing with this um parole officer I got a DUI for smoking I was in Rockville I was smoking weed and they gave me a DUI so when I went to court I beat it but now DMV was like now DUI is a DUI you got to get a breathalyzer in it so when I was on parole I went to my pro officer and I'm like you know this situation I have a medical marijuana card you know I wasn't drinking and she goes I all right well I'm gonna put you back on the bracelet. So at the time I was staying with my,

I paroled to my mom's friend's house, but I was moving to my grandmother's house in Manchester. So once I moved to Manchester, I got a new parole officer. He was a dick. Like, he was like one of those, like, you're an inmate. Like, I don't care what you say. I'm like, I'm not an inmate.

I'm out of jail. Like, no, as long as you're in parole, you're considered an inmate. He was just very, very messed up. And I get into our argument with him one day over my scheduling. I call him. I'm like calling him, calling him. He's not picking up.

And when you're on parole, that's nervous. Like, if you're supposed to be somewhere, you just got out of jail and you go there, he's not there. You start getting bad anxiety, like, because I don't want to go back, you know? So you're like, calling him. So he finally calls me back. He's like, I told you it's this day. I'm like, well, I have a card right here.

And my mother just brought me, you know, as proof, you know. So he's like, oh, I can tell we're going to have issues. And I'm like, mind you, I already been on parole, maybe eight months already. This is just a new guy. So when I went, he was just basically like, you know, if I was your pro officer, when you got that deal where I would have violated you and all this. And I was just like, well, she didn't, you know. So he calls me into the office. I go there.

They cuff me. I'm like, what's going on? He's like, yeah, I'm violating you. You're going back. I'm arguing with this guy. I can't believe you did this. Like, what is your reasoning? All this thing.

I'm flipping out. So I end up going. It's a Friday. I end up going to hard. Herford County on a Friday. I got to wait. Monday was a holiday. I got my pinned Tuesday.

I made a phone call Tuesday. I said, Ma, you know, I'm going to have to finish the rest of my parole. She's like, no, we're on the way. And then the 15-second call hung up. I'm like, all right. Next thing you know, they call me. They're telling me to pack my stuff. I'm like, pack my stuff.

Everybody's looking at me like I'm lying because when you're on parole, you don't have a bond. You can't go nowhere. You've got to finish your time. So everybody's looking at me. I'm like, all right, so I pack my stuff. I go to the thing and the captain, he's there. Comes with his personal cell phone with your mother's number. I'm like, why?

He's like, because somebody has to be outside when I release you. And it was getting late. I had to release you before 12 o'clock at night. I'm like, yeah, they messed up. They did something, you know, because he was like making it an issue to make sure I was out before 12 at night. And then come to find out I get released. My mom's there with the lawyer.

And the new parole officer I had went back and violated me for that. DUI that the other parole officer already gave me a consequence for. And my lawyer just happened to know the right people. He looked into it and made it a huge deal. Now, if I never did that, I would have went to jail. And he did that with a lot of people. So that shows you people misuse their authority. So he worked for hard for parole.

And he basically went back and violated me for something that had nothing to do with him. Just because me and him got into argument. How much anxiety did that? It's stressful. Yeah, a lot of trauma. It's stressful. Even when I left, it was amazing because I was on the bracelet, so now I had to go back tomorrow and get the bracelet.

So now I'm in Hartford Parole. All these people are looking at me, like, oh, you were so disrespectful yesterday. I'm like, you guys took my freedom away for nothing. I'm not going to allow you to just take that away when I know I didn't do nothing wrong. He was mad over an argument that I didn't. But either way, it was no reason to take my freedom away. And because, thank God, my mom ended up. Getting the lawyer to do it and he figured it out was the only reason I would have came.

If not, I would have still been in jail. And were you working at the time? Yeah, I've always had a job. That's one thing. So that could have screwed up everything. Yeah. I've always done like landscaping like patios. My family owns this place.

They do patios and stuff. So when I was at a young age and I was like in other streets, he was like, why don't you come with me and I'll teach you a trade so you got something to take with you throughout your life? And he actually helped me a lot. I appreciate him. You know what you're explaining right now is what a lot of people feel. that are in your position, my position during that time.

Like I got anxious every time my probation officer called. Like I would tell my girl, it was like walking on ice or eggshells because you literally, the littlest thing could put you back. Your friend could put you back because he got pulled over

because he was speeding and maybe he had something in his pocket he didn't tell you. And all you were getting was a ride home from work. You know, so it's very scary in that aspect because you're like, I don't want to go back,

especially I don't want to go back for nothing dumb, you know. No, I can't imagine And do you still get some of that Like anxiousness and nervousness now? I do in certain aspect You know, when you see the lights It's like PTSD you know

But I changed my whole life now You know, now I just work Legitly You know, I got a lot of side jobs I do Like my focus is like Really different this time So I'm not in those situations Where I'm like

I got stuff in the trunk Or stuff like that So it definitely helped me be as calm But you know You never know With police officers nowadays, especially you hear everything in the news and stuff. You never know.

What have been some challenges you've faced having a felony on your record? Well, for one, my apartment. You know, it took me forever to get an apartment. I have the good credit. I got the money. I got the job. But I got a bad record. So some of these apartment complex, they deny me, and I can't figure out why.

And it's because of my record. You know, they see the felony. The judge a book by its cover. So that's been a little bit hard. And even like some of my vehicles, I registered them. my grandma's name because they pull me over. My rap sheet will come right on the computer and now they feel like they got,

they'll make some probable cause to feel like they have a reason to search your car just because they know your history or they know your past of everything that popped up when they ran your plate. You know, so it's a little difficult. Once I did that, I never had no problems. You know, it was weird.

It was like, it was like, not that they had a vendetta, you know, but when they come behind you and they run your plate, it'll show every. everything you've done, like all your crimes, stuff like that. So now something that could be so simple as your taillight was out. Now they're coming to you very aggressively. You're like, you don't even know me. You didn't even know who was behind the driver's seat. You know, you just ran the plate, you know. So it's scary in that aspect, yeah. Yeah. You're trying to get a second chance at life.

You know you're doing the right thing and you have that behind you. Yeah, exactly. It's the only bad part, you know, like I'm actually working on and getting my record expunge. I just have to wait, like one more year because a certain amount of time. You got to have like basically five years after a felony. You can get it expung. Certain ones are different, you know. What gives you purpose now? Like what wakes you up in the morning?

What keeps you on track to not get into bad habits? My kids. My kids. I have two boys. My oldest, he's autistic. I went through a lot with him and his mother in the beginning. He was just like the miracle baby. They didn't think he was going to talk.

He barely could walk. You know, he was just different. And now he's, you know, he very. unique. We worked a lot with him and got him to where he needs to be. Certain things he's delayed, but one day he's just at the doctor's office and he just

reads the whole poster. The doctor's like, he can read. I'm like, wow, he can read, you know? So little things like that, my kids definitely help me, my girl, my family. People who bring worth and genuinely care about me nowadays is what gets

me up in the morning. Wanted to be a better man and my family. You know, show my kids like the right ways to do things break cycles um like i said my family like they've always been very toxic they all struggled with you know drugs or alcohol and stuff and a lot of the stuff became normal around my life and i had to really sit back and say like this is a normal you know so i would definitely say my kids are the reason i get up every day what does it mean to you to be a good man like like like how important it is to me or what yeah like we hear that line and phrase a lot like we want to be good men yeah what does that mean to you i think a good man is just

somebody that you know that you can count on somebody that holds stuff down without you having to ask you know they just know what needs to be done you know a good man doesn't necessarily have the right direction always but he'll figure it out you know he'll put his resources together and put his mind together in some way find the outcome so whatever he's trying to do so i feel like just being a good man is just taking care of your family, you know, being able to leave your legacy and show people and teach kids or your kids or anybody who's dealt with you, like, you know, like certain things to live by or certain, like, certain morals to have to grow up with, you know, just kind of like spreading your knowledge. Knowledge is key. So if I could teach you everything I know at your age, by the time you're

my age, think about what you can do. What advice would you give to someone that was in your shoes? and is having a hard time maybe reintegrating into society and need some guidance on how he can show others that his past is not who he is anymore. What advice would you give? I would say, for one, stay focused. Like, if the hardest thing is to be in your mind and go, okay, I got an issue or, you know,

I don't like this about myself, I need to change this about myself, that's, like, really the most important is acknowledging it in the beginning. And then second, it is being state, get stability. And that doesn't necessarily mean, like, you have to have all the money in the world. Just have a good, stable environment to where, all right, I got a couple people that care

about me. They have my back, whatever decision I make. If I mess up, they're going to be right here, like, you know, you got this. Some people don't even got that. You can give it to yourself, you know. But I would just say, like, just stay focused and, you know, think of a plan and just go through with it. And if you really want to stop doing something, like, there's nothing that will stop you from doing

something you really want to do. And I think the right people that are supposed to be in your life will see you're trying to do the right thing genuinely. Exactly. You know, and if they don't, that's okay. People need to realize it's okay to walk away from certain people. You know, you can love people from a distance. Sometimes certain people bring you down, and it's just because they didn't fix certain things in their life. They're not ready yet. Maybe you walking away from them was what they needed or what you needed. Yeah, I think you're teaching yourself the power to walk away, but you're also maybe life needs to give them a lesson too. Yeah, see, a lot of these things I just recently taught myself.

So it's like I'm learning as I'm going, even with my son, you know, like I teach them certain things, but there might be like certain things that maybe in a couple months I might feel differently on, you know. It's just all about just progressing. Just as long as you're moving forward, it don't matter if it's an interim mile, just as long as you're going forward, you know. Absolutely. Ryan, thank you so much for coming on the show.

Absolutely, man. We wish you the best side to see, you know, you continue to be that man that you want to become. All right. It's been a pleasure. I appreciate it. Absolutely.