Locked In with Ian Bick - The Truth About My Alcohol Addiction – How It Took Over My Life | Rachel Mcintosh

Episode Date: March 2, 2025

Rachel Mcintosh opens up about how she became addicted to alcohol, the impact it had on her life, and her journey to recovery. She shares the warning signs, struggles, and what it took to break free from addiction. This is her story of overcoming alcohol abuse and finding a new path forward. #AlcoholAddiction #AddictionRecovery #SobrietyJourney #MyStory #OvercomingAddiction #AlcoholStruggle #RecoveryIsPossible #LifeAfterAddiction Thank you to THE PERFECT JEAN & NORDVPN for sponsoring today’s episode: The Perfect Jean:  F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code LOCKEDIN15 at https://theperfectjean.nyc/lockedin15 #theperfectjeanpod NordVPN: To get the best discount off your NordVPN plan - go to https://nordvpn.com/ianbick which will also give you 4 extra months on the 2-year plan. There's no risk with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! Connect with Rachel Mcintosh: https://www.instagram.com/rachnmcintosh?igsh=NjZwb25mNzdpeTVt Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Presented by Tyson 2.0 & Wooooo Energy: https://tyson20.com/ https://woooooenergy.com/ Buy Merch: https://convictclothing.net/collections/convict-clothing-x-ian-bick Timestamps: 00:00:00 Growing Up in a Chaotic Family Environment 00:04:20 Navigating a Blended Family as a Child 00:08:34 Navigating Perfectionism During High School 00:12:50 Challenges of Family Life During the Great Recession 00:17:29 Growing Up with Strict Parents and Early Drinking Experiences 00:22:09 College Decision Dilemma: Staying Close to Home 00:26:21 Struggles with College Life and Relationships 00:31:00 Struggling with Alcoholism in College 00:35:35 The Breaking Point: College, Relationships, and Addiction 00:40:18 Journey Through Addiction Treatment in LA 00:45:07 Life Inside Residential Treatment Centers 00:49:12 The Cycle of Addiction and Recovery 00:53:24 The Struggle with Relapse and Addiction 00:58:18 Journey Through Treatment and Recovery 01:02:46 Journey Through Multiple Treatment Centers 01:07:28 Navigating Family Relationships and Illness 01:11:59 Shoutout to Ian H Powered by: Just Media House : https://www.justmediahouse.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bone makes spring outfits feel simple. Shop BOM's new arrivals at Bome.com. That's B-O-H-M-E.com. Rachel, welcome to Lockton. We're sitting in an Airbnb in Austin right now. I think you're supposed to come in the studio over the summer, right? And then you got a new job. Congratulations. Thank you. And I'm glad we made this work. Thanks for DMing me to set this up, being persistent to make it happen. Now we're here at 8.30. We just flew in from California. And we're here in this Kevin did not do a good job picking out this Airbnb. You know, it is what it is. It's a little tight. But we may be. made at work. We walked in earlier and I was like, I'm not doing this. Like we were about to cancel all of the things, because I don't know, I just wasn't really feeling the room, but then we had this couch to the side and then we flipped it back and we got the angles down and it looks good.

Good. Your angle looks better than my angle, so don't worry. You'll see. Debatable. We'll see. You'll be good. So did you grow up in Austin? No. So I am from Denver, Colorado. Wow. Yeah, I was born and raised there. I went to college there, the whole nine yards. And, yeah, so I'm from Denver. Okay. And who did you grow up with? So my childhood, I talk with my hands a lot.

Oh, that's kind of. Okay. If you hit the mic, it's okay, too. Everyone gets nervous about the microphone. Yeah, so I grew up in a pretty chaotic environment. My parents divorced when I was really young. my mom got remarried pretty quickly and I love my family. Like, let me preface it all with that.

But, you know, my dad, he was on his second marriage with my mom. And so he had already had a kid when I was born. And my older brother, he was born and raised in L.A. And so he was out in L.A. with his mom, and then my parents had me, and then they quickly divorced, and my mom got remarried. And so my mom's house was the more stable one, but my dad's was pretty unpredictable. But with my mom remarrying, I had step-siblings in just like a very very beautiful. chaotic household. But I was back and forth between the two. And so there wasn't a lot of stability growing up. And, you know, as I got older, my step-siblings, I have a step-sister who's

six months older than me and then a stepbrother who's two years younger than me. And then you know, 10 years, when I was 10 years old, my mom got pregnant with my little brother. And so my step-sister had some mental health issues growing up. And then my stepbrother had some learning disability stuff growing up. And then my mom was pregnant and it comes along this baby. And so there was like a lot of, again, just chaos. And so that's where like I came in at, as someone that kind of just flew under the radar. But then at my dad's house, I would go back to my dad's house and it was just this single dad that didn't really know

what to do with a girl. He was a sportscaster and very manly and masculine and like didn't know what to do with this little girl. And so we had some next-door. neighbors who I kind of grew up with and they had two children and they were older than me. So I very young started hanging out with people older than me just because like that was my next door neighbors were older than me and, you know, learned about things probably younger than the average child does.

And yeah, just again, that word instability of going back and forth between like this life over here and then being like an only child over here. But my dad wasn't really around and kind of like raising myself over here. And so it was just like very different lives that I was living as a kid. Were you close to your stepdad at all? Yeah. So my stepdad, I mean, again, like there was just so much. focus on my step-siblings and then this little newborn baby that and my mom and my stepdad, I don't know if they actually had like an agreement, but I think my mom kind of raised me and

he raised his kids and it was pretty separate. And it wasn't until like I started struggling later on in my life that my stepdad kind of came into the picture, but it was very much separate. like he never parented me or yelled at me or, you know, it was very rare that there was much interaction. Now, when you were in school, like middle school, high school, did you get jealous and envious of the kids that did have kind of well put together families? Well, it's like so interesting because, you know, I go back. So back to childhood, I went to a small Catholic school until eighth grade. And that's where like this feeling of always kind of being like an

outcast or different came in was there was, it was super small. And I just never really was a part of any group. You know, there was like the popular girls. And then if you weren't a part of that crew, then you weren't a part of any crew. And, uh, I, was in the same grade as a girl that her mom was the assistant principal. And so of course, she was like the ringleader of it all. And I just remember like constantly always wanting to be a part of the crowd and I never could make it in. And so like through middle school, that was kind of my experience. And so I transitioned my eighth grade year. I left the Catholic school and went to a different private school and like I didn't know anyone. It's my last year of middle

school. And yeah, again, it was just like I wanted so badly to be a part of like a group, but I couldn't find my way in anywhere. Yeah, it's really tough to transition from private school to public school. That's why when I was in private school, in seventh grade, I went to a public middle school. Yeah. And that, even that first year of seventh grade was tough, but it helped set me up for high school. Yeah. Because I've seen kids that go from, you know, private school up until eighth grade. And they go to a public high school, it's so hard. You're like a fish out of water. Yeah. And well, and then so eighth grade was a bad year, just all together, lots of, yeah. And then when I went to high school, I loved high school. I went to a public high school. And like, I'm that person that just like,

high school was the best time of my life. And I played, you know, volleyball. I, um, I, um, I played, you know, volleyball. I, I finally felt a part of something when I started playing volleyball when I was younger, but when I got to high schools when I kind of like, you know, I was on varsity. And the high school I went to was like inner city in Denver. And so very diverse. And I was finally around like, because I grew up around a very privileged group of people. And so when I got to high school and I realized like not just different things matter in life other than like how much money you have, that's when like I felt like I really started to find more of my people. And so I mean, high school was fine.

I got good grades, you know, like kept it together for high school pretty much. but that high school is when a lot of the home life stuff was really taking a turn with my family. And, you know, there was a lot of times that me and my dad weren't speaking. And then like my mom and stepdad's household, which was my primary household at that point, like I was living there full time. but, you know, my siblings were going through their stuff. And so that's even more so when like these perfectionism tendencies of mine of like, oh, I'm going to get the good grades.

I'm going to be the captain of the volleyball team. I'm going to, you know, date the whatever guy to make it all look really good. And I got really good at that. All right, guys, I have officially found the best pair of jeans. I have ever worn. And no, I'm not just saying that because they're sponsoring the show today. The perfect gene has completely changed the game when it comes to denim. Listen, I used to hate jeans.

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Now let's get back into today's episode. Where do you think that mindset to have those things came from? Did that come from like TV and movies? Or did that come from like what your parents set that, you know, expectation for you? Or is that just what you saw other kids doing? And you wanted to be like that too to have some, you know, feeling of normalcy?

I mean, I think I so badly just like craved normalcy that that's what I thought was normal. Like if and that's also like how I was positively reinforced is like, oh, you get the good grades, you get some praise or like you do really well in sports. you get a pat on the back. And like, um, because I, I saw so much of like what not to do. Because,

you know, again, back to like my siblings, there was a lot of, okay, I don't want to do that. Like, that's not how I get in my parents' good graces.

Um, so like, let me go to the polar opposite and just like try and do everything perfectly. I don't know if that answered your question. Yeah. What did your parents do for work? Did you guys have money at all?

Yeah. Yeah. My dad, he was a sportscaster for CBS out in Denver. And then whenever the great recession or whatever hit, he was let go. And so, you know, and again, like throughout my life, there's just this big contrast between what life was like at my mom's house and what life was like at my dad's house because like my dad, you know, as a child, I just remember like sports. That's all I remember.

And then my dad lost his job. And like that's when it really got bad, you know. And my dad drinks a lot. And so that's how he was coping with, you know, between divorce, losing his family unit and then losing a job, he was drinking a lot. And so he like was kind of trying to figure his life out. And he started working for a TV show out in Denver for a little while. while and then that didn't really work out. And so he's, I don't really know what he was doing over here. But my mom and my stepdad, so my stepdad owns a business, a bunch of businesses out in Colorado.

And so, you know, there were times where I would like go to the grocery store with my dad and I didn't know if I could like ask to buy food. You know, it would be like a six pack of beer would go on the belt and that would be what we would get at the grocery store. And then at my mom's house, it was kind of like money was not really an object that we worried about. Do you know if he was always a drinker or did that losing the job trigger that? Yeah. So he's always been a drinker. And when I started drinking really heavily, my dad would tell me stories about, you know, and in, and, my dad you know he he was a really good athlete growing up and um was on a full ride scholarship to go to missouri for football and then in high school he got poked in the eye in a basketball game and

fell to the ground and shattered his eardrum he's like um deaf in one year and so like all of his dreams flew out the the window and uh So he has like a lot of trauma with that. And so when he, when that happened, he started drinking a lot. And he would try and empathize with me and be like, oh, I've gone through hard times too and like turn to drinking. And I'm not one to like sit here and call my dad label him as an alcoholic or whatever it may be because I think that's his battle to deal with. but there was a lot of drinking always. So after high school, what happens?

Do you go off to college? What do you do? What's life like? Is this where it starts to turn? Yeah. Yeah. So what I didn't mention was my mom, so three of my mom's four siblings have died from addiction. And then my mom has addiction all throughout her family.

And then my dad has addiction all throughout his family. And so growing up, my mom would always have conversations with me and say, hey, this thing runs in our family. Like, I don't drink. I don't think you should drink. And it was always a conversation. And, you know, I don't. I remember one time in high school, I came home high. I had smoked weed for the first time. It was seriously the first time. And I came home high and my mom just looked at me and she's like, what is wrong with you? Like we've had this conversation. What are you doing? And, you know, it escalated to the point of I had like locked myself in my bedroom because I think,

think she was in my head how I remember it. I think she wanted me to UA and to take a drug test because I was saying I wasn't high and she was like, you're high. And I'm like, no, I'm not. And I'm sure my eyes were just like bloodshot and I probably reeked of weed. But she ended up calling my dad, which was like unheard of. Like to get my dad over to my mom's house was weird. And so I'm at my mom's house and I've locked myself in the bedroom and I get a knock on my door and it's my dad. And he's like, you're coming with me. And so, you know, my mom was very strict growing up in high school. I had a 9 p.m. curfew.

You know, I know there was a breathalyzer under the sink in her bathroom. she ever felt like I came home drunk, you know, there were consequences to drinking and using drugs in my household. And so I was so terrified to do it. And like, you know, to rewind again, my, so my older brother that lived out in L.A. The first time I ever drank, I was out there visiting him in L.A. and I was like, he was 18, so I had to have been 11. And he had just graduated high school. And so we were going to this like high school graduation party.

And here he has his 11 year old sister with him. And he's like, well, I guess I'll bring her along. And I remember they handed me some jungle juice. And I didn't know what that was. And so I take this jungle juice. and I drink it and I'm like, oh my God, this, what is, I love this thing. What is jungle juice? What's in this?

And, you know, I think at that point, my older brother had pawned me off to like his friends because he's off with some girl. And I'm just like in L.A., which I'm not familiar with L.A. at all. And drinking, and I'm 11 years old. And I don't know why I'm even telling this story. But the cops ended up getting called to the party. And so my brother magically reappears. And he's like, run.

And so I run down this hill from this party. And it's Malibu, California. And so there's cactus, like all down this hill. And I'm like, this little girl running drunk down a hill. But I thought it was the funnest thing I've ever done, you know? And so in high school, the only time I would ever drink would be if I was spending the night at someone's house. And like my mom was that parent that would like call the other parents and be like, hey, is she actually spending the night here? And like, will you be around? And so I had to be very calculated about how I went about. anything drinking or drugs because I knew my mom would find out if I didn't have like a plan in place. And so that's where like a lot of sneakiness and like deceptiveness came in. And yeah. So and and and and when I would drink, I would drink to excess. It was not like, oh, we're having a few

drinks, like I am throwing up by the end of the night, blacking out, saying very embarrassing things, doing embarrassing things, like the laughing stock of the party. And so, you know, I go off to college and that's when I was like, okay, I can finally, like, maybe drink normally because I no longer have, like, my mom monitoring me and I have to be all secretive about it. And yeah, so I went to college at CU Boulder in Boulder, Colorado. And, you know, I was before I even got to college, I was all set to go to the University of Oregon, like one of my dream schools. And about two weeks before school started, I was like, no, I can't go that far. I need to be still in Colorado.

and I wanted to be close to the guy I was dating at the time. And so I changed my mind two weeks. Like everything, flights were booked, dorms were picked out, changed my mind and went to see Boulder and stayed close to people I knew from high school. And I just remember the first night of college being like, I have no curfew. and like that was the the best feeling. I have no one to check if I'll have alcohol on my breath when I get home. And that was an actual thought of mine.

It was like most, I feel like most people when they go off to college, they're like, oh, this is going to be. I'm like, I get to come home and smell like alcohol and no one's going to know. Because like in high school, my mom's policy,

it was like a policy. I had to come hug her, even if she was asleep before bed to see if I smelled, even if it was 9 p.m. You know, my 9 p.m. curfew, I still had to go hug her. And so, yeah, I went off to college and that's when things got crazy. Do you think your mom being so, like, overly cautious of making sure and trying to make sure that, you know, you didn't develop the same addiction issue she had and your father had that, that, you know, in turn, caused you to go down that path?

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And I think she, you know, I've had three out of the four answers. and uncles on her side die. And so I think she's just so traumatized and scared that I would die. And I do think, like, and I've had conversations with my mom since I've gotten sober this time around about all of this. And, like, asked her, like, did I, as a kid, was there, like, ever any signs or anything you, like because I see her I have a my little brother is 18 now so he's around the age that I was when things started flying off the handle for me and I see her raise him very differently he from

my and again my perception I don't live there I'm not even in the same state but he seems to have a lot of freedom and I didn't and I don't know if that's because he's a guy and I'm a girl or Or like maybe I just, she just could feel it, you know, that I had this thing. Do you think if you had freedom, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did? No. No. So what happens in college? Yeah. So the guy that I had moved to, or changed my mind to go to CU Boulder for. He was playing football out in Kansas, so I would go drive eight hours each way, each weekend, to go see him out in Kansas.

And, you know, again, this goes back to, like, high school, I finally felt a part of. And then I go off to college and every weekend that, like, people are doing things together in college. I'm in Kansas to visit this guy, right? And so I'm kind of missing out on that college experience. And, you know, during the week, I go to class, and then weekend comes, I'm off in Kansas. And like Greek life is really big out there. I don't, regardless of the guy, I don't think I would have participated in Greek life, but it is a big thing out there.

And so, like, all the friends that I had gone to college with from high school were now in sorority. and had new friends. And here I was just like very isolated. And that guy and I ended up breaking up. And then I found the new guy and like another football player. And so him and I started dating. And there's like a theme here of in my life. of needing a man to like fill this hole inside of me.

And so, but what I had learned was even better than a man was the alcohol. And so, you know, when I was my freshman year of college, I would get alcohol. and start to drink it. And I just remember by the end of that freshman year, I had so many bottles, empty bottles of alcohol underneath my dorm bed that it took like four trash, large black trash bags to clear all that alcohol out. And like, I didn't even realize I was doing this.

But, you know, I was dating. I was, my type of guy was, they cheated on me a lot. And so to deal with being cheated on, I was drinking a lot. And that's where I learned like any uncomfortable emotion that I feel I can fix with alcohol. And so just anything, stress, happiness, any emotion that wasn't a baseline emotion, it was like, oh, I'm just going to turn to alcohol for it. And then it soon like crossed over into this territory of like, oh, it doesn't matter how I'm feeling.

I have no, nope, I don't have the choice. I don't have the power of choice. And whether I want to drink or not, I just need to drink. And it's like this itch that you can't scratch. Did you think you had a problem or were you kind of like using college as, hey, I'm partying, everyone's drinking? this isn't an issue as like your method of denial? So, you know, at first in college, I would go out and I would party and I would be with people. But it very quickly, and like, you know, I'm a late bloomer I would consider in terms of like when I started drinking a lot.

it really wasn't until college that it fully took off. But it was, there was no question in my mind of whether I had a problem with it. Because I was doing it in secret, you know. And when I would go out with friends, I would notice that, like, they would be ready to go home and stop. And like, I'd be like, okay, yeah, I'll go home. but like we need to have alcohol at the house too. And so yeah, it was, I would see other people stop and I couldn't. But to your point, my parents quickly became aware that this was an issue

because a large part of this was I would go home on the weekends to try and sober up. and that became a pattern for a little while of my drinking is so out of control that like I need to go home to this very controlled environment my mom's house to sober up and then you know that would work for a couple weekends I would go home and sober up and then quickly it became okay I'm going home to sober up and now suddenly I'm drunk at my parents' house because I'm stealing alcohol from them. And so then I'm falling down the stairs at my family's house. And my little brother, he's like young at the time. And so my little brother is seeing his older sister, who's, he's never seen like this,

like falling into a plate of food because I'm so. intoxicated and so that wasn't working um and so my mom you know very quickly it was like if you're here you cannot drink and it would i would say yeah i won't and then i would drink you know and my stepdad collected wine and so we had a huge wine cellar and you know i would wait until i could tell that my parents were asleep and i'd sneak down to that that wine cellar and just grab, I mean, I'm sure they're nice bottles of wine. That didn't matter to me. It was just grabbing wine like I was a kid in a candy store and taking it up to my room and pounding bottles of wine at night. Yeah. And so, I can't even remember the question you asked.

Do you think it was hard getting that much freedom that, you know, quickly and suddenly, you know, you're in high school, you're under a strict roof and then all of a sudden it's like a light switch flicks on and you have all this freedom. Do you think that kind of fueled and propelled your drinking? Yeah, yeah, because it was literally like a weight had been lifted off off of me. And it was just, it's Rachel's world and like no one's here to stop. me and so um you know and like also keep in mind that um so I was around drinking I was in college and so when my family would bring up like hey I think this is an issue I'm like everyone else is doing it like this isn't an I don't go to parties I I drink at home like a normal person like I have wine with dinner which was not the

case, but like, this was the delusion that I was feeding and, like, um, you know, I, I think I knew deep down that like, clearly my drinking wasn't normal, but I was trying to feed this lie to everyone else that I'm fine. And like, this is normal. This is what people do in college. And, um, yeah. So where does it go from there? during college. So as I had mentioned, I was in a relationship with someone who played football at CU. And so, you know, things got a little bit better with the drinking when, like, there was

this time in that relationship where I would travel and go to all the. away games and all this stuff. And then a big breaking point came to a head on Thanksgiving one of my years in college. And, you know, I found out the guy cheated on me like for the 20th time. And I was home. And my, I can't even remember what happened. I wasn't. I wasn't. I'm was pretty drunk, but we were, as a family, we were somewhere and I had seen one of the girls that he had cheated on me with. And I lost my mind. And so I think it was at that point, my mom had probably already started the process of getting someone involved to help me get treatment. But I think it was like over that course of that Thanksgiving.

and in Christmas where it was very clear I was not the drinking wasn't for fun anymore or like it wasn't going to fly and pass off as this is just what we do in college and so I I remember I was in my apartment up in Boulder and my mom and my dad show up at my doorstep which again these two don't show up at the same time anywhere. Like, um, and they sat on my couch with me and they're just like, we really think you need to go somewhere. And, uh, you know, and like I'm skipping over a lot of the, the parts of, um, you know, like, there were times where I would call my dad and be like, I lost my car, like, because I would drive

my car to campus to go to class, proceed to drink all throughout. class. Like, there was never not alcohol on me. I would drink during class all the time. And so my dad drove all the way up from Denver to Boulder, which is 45 minutes, to help me find my car that I lost. You know, and I thought someone stole my car, but, you know, I just driven two class drunk and then forgot where I parked my car. But anyway, they were like, we really think you need to go. somewhere. And so, yeah, it took a while and then some other big thing happened. And I finally, I was like, okay, I will go somewhere. And so I remember my stepdad was out of town somewhere. And my mom drove up to Boulder to get me, bring me back home to Denver. I slept in the same bed with her that night.

I think to make sure that I didn't drink. And then the next day I was on a flight from Denver to Hawaii. Hawaii, wow. Bougie. That's what everyone says when I say Hawaii. But it was a wilderness therapy program. Because at that time, I was sold on the idea of getting help, but not for my alcoholism. I was convinced that it was my mental health.

And so I went to a their horticultural therapy program. program in Hawaii, which we planted a bunch of trees and we've gardened. And that was a three-month program. And so I was out there for three months. I tried to leave, but you're on an island. And unless you have money in your account, you can't leave the island of Hawaii. And so I did the 90 days there. And then to leave that program, I had to agree to go to an alcohol and drug treatment facility. And so I left there and I moved to L.A. to go to treatment there. And I get to L.A. and I'm like, oh, we love L.A. L.A. is cool.

And so I was there for another 60 days inpatient that time, residential level of care for drug and alcohol addiction. And so then after that was about five months total of inpatient treatment. so, which there's different levels of treatment. And so after that five months, I transitioned into sober living and was there for about another three months. And so I had eight months sober that first time around. And again, that whole time, I'm just, first of all, mad at my mom because I'm like, I agreed to go somewhere for my mental health.

I didn't agree to go somewhere for eight months for alcoholism. And so, you know, and still under the delusion that, like, I'm in college, and this is what people in college do. They drink. And, like, I'm not here from my mental health. I'm not here to talk about drinking. And, you know, in that. in that time and treatment. So the three months in Hawaii,

I kind of keep separate because I don't even really know what we did there besides plant trees. It wasn't very helpful. But in L.A., in the treatment center there, like I was exposed to, you know, some really good therapy and stuff like that. And so I got a better understanding of like recovery and sobriety. And they would take us to some meetings, recovery meetings. And I thought it was just a whole crock of shit that they were selling me. And so I was like, yeah, that's for alcoholics.

But I'm not one of those. So I'm good. Anyway, at eight months, they had another step down. which was sober apartments. And so my mom came to L.A., moved me into this sober apartment. And, like, that same day, I started drinking again. And to be in the sober apartments, you had to be sober. And they would breathalize you.

And so they quickly found out I was drinking. And so, you know, then I relapsed for, like, a few days when stayed with someone out in L.A. that I knew. And that's when the light kind of clicked on of like, oh, maybe I, maybe I really am an alcoholic because, like, the fact I had heard a lot about alcoholism, the last eight months of my life. And then the second I got any freedom again, I turned to alcohol. And so that's where like the wheels kind of started spinning for me of like, okay, maybe this maybe what they're saying like might be true. Why do you think you relapse that time when your mom came?

Well, because there was a large step down from sober living, which is heavily monitored. You know, you're supervised like 24-7 versus the sober apartments. I was pretty much living on my own again. And so I think it was, again, that step into freedom. And I don't think it necessarily had anything to do with my mom being there or not. She just happened to be there because she was helping me move into this apartment. But again, it was just freedom. And I didn't know what to do with freedom.

And like left to my own devices, I'm going to do what feels good for me. and that was the ease and comfort that comes with drinking. Now, who pays for all of this? Insurance or is it out of pocket? It depends on the treatment center. So I'm not sure. I believe that was, I don't think that was insurance. I think that was private pay.

And how old are you, like 22 or 21? 22. 22, okay. Yeah, 22. And were you working at all when you're in these facilities, or does life kind of just stop and you're just, you know, living in a different world? You're living in a different world. I mean, when you get down to the sober living level of care, you can get a job and stuff. But residential treatment, like you're in treatment 24-7.

It's similar in dynamics of jail where, like, you can't, I mean, you have the choice to live. leave. You can leave these places. They're at will facilities. But, yeah, you're in a institution. Yeah. I mean, I see a lot of, like, I talk to a lot of former addicts and I see a lot of like the treatment things. And it's almost like I'm, you know, you kind of realize like that sometimes could be worse than jail. Like the rigorous treatment programs, some of these are. And I know some are super religious and then some are different, like there's different types of treatment. And it's definitely more strict than prison in some senses, which is like with the routine and what you have to do and you have to program and this and that.

So, you know, if that's a deterrent for anyone as well. Yeah. And in this first facility that I went to, like you could have your phone, you know, things like that. So really, like, as far as it went, I had it pretty good. And, but I mean, I'm an alcoholic. I can find problems with anything, whether it's good or bad. And so, but yeah, I mean, treatment, I work in the treatment industry now. And so, you know, in the facility that I work for now, there's no cell phones. You get one phone call a week, five minutes.

And so, yeah, you're on a regimented schedule and there's meal times. And this is the last treatment facility that I went to is the one that I work for now. Oh, you are actually a patient there? So that was allowed for you to work there after being a patient there? Yeah. So after a year and a half. half I started working there after a year and a half being out. So throughout all this time, what was your drink of choice? Like, what was your go-to? Um, I mean, it was wine at first,

and then it became alcohol, or vodka, but really any alcohol. As long as it, I mean, there, there were points in my addiction where I was drinking mouthwash. I was drinking hand sanitizer, uh, perfumes. Like, when I was, you know, there, there were points in my addiction where I was drinking mouthwash. I was drinking, in sober living in L.A. So after I relapsed after eight months in L.A., I went back to sober living. And while I was in that sober living again for the second time, I started drinking my perfume bottles. And swallowing it, or are you just switching in your mouth?

No, swallowing it. And that doesn't... It's disgusting. I didn't even know there's alcohol and perfume. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And, you know, like household cleaners.

Some of them have alcohol in it. Vanilla extract is high in alcohol content. I knew that, yeah. Now, is this because you don't have money? Is that why you're doing this? No, it's because I couldn't bring alcohol into the sober living. And so I would use other things that I could have on hand in the sober living without it being clearly alcohol. But yeah.

I'm surprised they didn't have like in prison. And, you know, they have, like, non-alcoholic mouthwash and they take precautions for a lot of that. Oh, yeah, they do. I just. You're a smart one. Yeah. I see why you like the cat burglar episode. Yes.

Yes. Yeah, it was relatable. Yeah. And that's what I mean is, like, growing up, I learned deception because I had to get around my mom. And so, you know, over the course of the next. I got sober this time around when I was 26. So from 22 to 26, I went to nine different treatment centers. And the more you go into these facilities, the more you learn how to maneuver to get around the system, right?

And so it's just like I became very manipulative and a liar and just how can I cheat this system to work. Own it all. Pay off your home, travel for life, drive a Ferrari. In celebration of the world premiere of the Monopoly Big Board Buckslot machine by Aristocrat Gaming, Yamava Resort and Casino at San Manuel is giving one person a $1.6 million dream package. The biggest prize in Yamava's history. Club Serrano members can earn daily instant prizes and secure a spot in the finale May 29.

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Nothing's going to change. Yeah. So do you believe in that? Oh, well, yeah, I'm a big believer that it's up to the per. I don't think it has anything to do with the facility. I think you can have the best facility in the entire planet. and it won't work for the person if they're not willing, right? And so it's, and you can have the worst program treatment facility in the entire world.

And if the person really wants it, they'll get it, you know? So it's possible to get sober without these facilities? For sure. So why do you think it takes getting to that facility for individuals to get sober and have those success stories like yourself? I had to be locked up. That's why. I could not stop.

And like a lot of people get sober, you know, going to different recovery groups and stuff like that. And, you know, I have plenty of friends today that got sober that way. That's, I am the type of alcoholic that needs to be locked up for at least 30 days and have that distance from alcohol for me to have a shot at this thing. because I am that severe of an alcoholic, you know, and like throughout the, the course of the years and the many treatment centers, the second, there was this pattern and theme of the second I got any freedom, which is what that is. If you're not in a treatment facility, you're free. I mean, you're free in a treatment facility, too, but, you know, the idea is that you stay there. when I was free, I was drinking. And so, you know, I had a sweet spot of six months. I would get

six months sober and relapse, six months sober and relapse back to another facility, back to another facility. I went from L.A. to Denver to Florida for a while. really ran around bad, burned it down bad in Florida. And then when I was out in Florida, they ended up sending me to an all-women's facility here in Texas because I was at a co-ed facility and that was not good for me. And so they sent me to the women's facility here in Texas and I was there for 30 days left and drink in the San Antonio Airport.

Like, again, any freedom I have, there's alcohol in my body. So when you do finally get sober and you get out after being locked up, how hard is it to refrain from using alcohol once you get that freedom again? Because it seems like a kind of a reoccurring theme was getting a lot of freedom after periods of not having freedom and that kind of was your downfall. Yeah. And, you know, I think to kind of also hit on this of like the reason I fell in love with like listening to your podcast is because although like my drinking never resulted in me going to jail, even though it very well could have or, you know, being locked up, I was a prisoner to myself. and like a prisoner to a bottle, you know.

And so I relate to these feelings of having no choice, you know. And so like I mentioned, I left that women's facility, drank in the San Antonio airport, went back to Denver where I'm from, and then continued to relapse. Like I would go to detox, get out, relapse, detox relapse. Like this went back and forth for a couple months. And in one of those relapses, I, the very first time I ever went to detox when I was 22, at this point I'm 26.

I had met some guys in the detox. And I'm in this relapse right before. I got sober this last time and I had been communicating with this guy who's now homeless and smoking fentanyl and shooting up meth and he needed a place to stay. And I'm like, well, I have a place to stay. You can come stay with me. And, you know, so that's why like earlier when it was asked like, what was your drug a choice? It's like alcohol, but like, you know, put fentanyl in front of me, all smoke it, did that, you know? And so it's not like I'm against any drug. But it, all this is to say, he came and stayed with me. That was crazy. You know,

I ended up bringing a lot of people down with me in that relapse because I was, supposed to be in this sober living and I ended up recruiting people to come relapse with me from the sober living and so you know I was just really lighting a lot of fires and they were exploding at a rapid rate um and I finally I was just like what has my life come to like I was in my apartment and I'm looking around and I like see this guy putting a needle. in his ankle and this girl, like, who's 19 years old, way younger than me, who I was supposed to be in sober living with, is like passed out on my bed. And I'm like, what is going on? Like, what have I become? And not that it was, like, they were not the problem. I was. Like,

I created this thing. I invited these people into my craziness. And so I had had an intervention done on me a few treatment centers ago, a long time ago at this point. And my interventionist from that intervention, my mom, I think, had asked her to come check on me because my mom knew things were bad, this relapse. And so Rachel is my interventionist's name. She's like seven months pregnant shows up on my door. And she's like, are you done with this yet? Like, are we done with this dance? And I was like, I don't think I'm done yet, but I think I'm getting there.

And she was just like really patient with me and kind of allowed me the space to come to the conclusion on my own that, like, like, I'm going to die. There's only two ways this is going to end at this point. Like, I am either going to end up in jail or I'm going to die. And if I don't die, then I will try to die, you know, because this is miserable. And so, you know, I finally, I was like, okay, I'll go back to that women's facility in Texas and I because throughout this very dark period I would think of the women that I had met at that facility that had recovery and I could like see the light was on in their eyes

and I would just um you know think okay if I could just maybe have one percent of what they have maybe I can do this um And so I went to detox and Rachel, my interventionist, she was like, are you willing to go for 90 days? And I was like, yeah, I'm willing to go for 90 days. And so I went back to that same treatment center that I now work for and went for 90 days. And like halfway through, I was like, okay, guys, I'm done. I'm ready to go. And they're like, no, you're going to sit here and you're going to do.

90 days because anytime you've tried to like run the show and um do things your way you've ended up right back here so like you're going to listen to us for a second so I did my 90 days and a large part of my that the task of those 90 days was not doing what feels good for Rachel because anytime I've ever done that. I've ended up in a terrible situation. Yeah. And so, you know, I left there and I went into sober living. I usually like the song and dance I would do is 30 days of 30 days to three months of sober living. I was there for nine months this time. I became a house manager at that sober living. which was crazy to me because I was always the like problem client in sober living that was like drinking in sober living not passing um drug tests and for me to be administering drug tests

and like trusted to do that was absolutely insane to me because I couldn't even pass one for the long you know like I was always the one cheating the system and so I was like trust. trusted and given responsibility. And then I, you know, moved out of that sober living after I got a year sober because I did three months in residential and then nine months in sober living. And so I got a year sober and moved out. And then they, that sober living asked me to come on as a recovery coach and help run that sober living. So I did that for about seven months. And then, yeah, I got offered a job at the treatment center that I went to twice. And yeah, I just, it's crazy to think that, like, people have trusted me to be a little. And, um, yeah, I just, it's crazy to think that, like,

people have trusted me to be a leader and an example to other women in recovery coming from like someone who was a complete disaster. I mean, I think people find it relatable, though, the same reason why you listen to this podcast and find comfort in some of these stories, whether they shared similar experiences or you look at them as what could have been you if you continue down that path is what people that you work with in your job, you know, see in you. So that's why I think it's so powerful in that respect. That's why it's important what you do and why other people that do that, you know, continue to do that.

Right. So how do you end up in Texas along that path? Well, so the treatment facility was, it's in a small town in Texas. So you went from California to Texas? So I went, California was my first treatment center. Then I went to like my second, third, fourth in Denver. So I drove, it's called AMA when you leave against medical advice. I AMA'd from the facility in L.A after like my third time relapsing, went from L.A.,

drove drunk from L.A. to Denver, which is through the Rocky Mountains. Not a good drive to do under the influence. Thank God. Like, you know, and like throughout my story, I was so reckless. And like, this is what I mean. Like, I should have ended up in jail. I flipped my car one time, like didn't get breathedalized. And there's like glimpses of. So many times where like I should have been caught and like should have been punished, but I just like something was was working in my favor. But anyway, so I was back in Denver for a couple of years and then Denver to Delray Beach, Florida for about six months, went through treatment there a few more times.

And then Del Rey sent me to Texas. And then I left Texas the first time went back home to Denver. Then that last round of relapses, then came back to Texas. And I've been here since. And how old are you now? I'll be 28 next or in January. Do you ever reflect back that you lost a lot of your 20s to like the cycle, a pretty brutal cycle?

Yeah. I mean, it's, I feel. like, you know, because my drinking really started when I was 18. And so almost 10 years of this, well, I got sober when I was 26. So, but eight years of, I don't remember a lot of those eight years. You know, I was at a funeral a few weeks ago with my family and my mom's like bringing things up to me. And I'm like, don't remember it. You know, like, but, you know, for the first time, I'm doing a lot of things for the first time. I'm doing a lot of things for the first time as a 28-year-old. You only both.

Yeah. Yeah. And so for sure. Like I feel like, you know, I'm paying my bills for the first time on my own in my life. And I was having a conversation with my boss a few weeks ago. And she looks at me and she's like, is this the first time you've like had a real job? I was like, yeah. I mean, I have a college degree, you know, but I never used it until I still haven't used it. Is it hard to be, you know, sober in a place like Austin, you know, dating, colleagues, everything?

I mean, you work at a sober facility, so maybe your colleagues are all also sober, but just, you know, this vibe, you know, it's like that city vibe where, you know, there's a lot of peer pressure. That's not intentional, but it just, it's there because of the social environment. Yeah, it's so funny because when when people find out I live in Austin and I'm almost two years sober, they're like, that must be hard. I'm like, I don't even, I only know sober Austin. Like all of my friends are in recovery. we do the most fun things that, you know, I don't pay attention to what is going on for, like, parties and stuff out here.

Like, that's been the most beautiful part is, like, people in Austin only know me as sober Rachel. And, like, I only know Austin as sober. There was one time where I came out here. and I missed my flight here. I missed my flight back. That was, but I don't remember that weekend that I was here before. So like, you know, I know there's a large party scene here,

but that's just I don't, I'm not exposed to it. How's your relationship with your parents now? So my dad, my dad comes in town tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I think you told me that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And he actually, when I was in treatment, this last time he got diagnosed with an illness called amyloidosis, which is he had to do chemo and dialysis for his kidneys, and then he got a kidney transplant over the summer. And so his health has been bad. But, you know, I think the biggest thing that's come out of this is like I can look at

my relationship with my dad and like know that I probably didn't get what I needed as a kid, but like also understand that I think everyone's always just doing the best that they can with what they have at the time. And so like I have a lot of love and compassion for like this dad who like was a sad man, you know, and like I can love him for that. And my mom and I, are like best friends and you know growing up it was just me and my mom for a little bit um between when she left my dad and and she got remarried and then all the chaos of my childhood we kind of you know got even closer because like I said she kind of just parented me and then my stepdad did his kids and then my addiction separated us so much. Like there was a time that I, she was trying

to breathalize me and I like physically attacked her. Like we were not on good terms and we're finally like in this place where we. Ellie's Eden was created from the same belief that started as your standard. Family should have access to good food and healthy living. Named after the founder's granddaughter, Ellie's Eden reflects commitment to strong, healthy plant starts grown with care in Oregon. These are carefully selected varieties chosen for gardeners who value quality, vitality, and dependable growth. From trusted seeds to thriving plant starts, Ellie's Eden helps you plant with confidence and grow something meaningful. Explore Ellies Eden at A-U-R-E-S-R-E standard.com. With the RAM Declaration of Deals, we're pledging our allegiance to the American people with great deals on the RAM-1500.

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Ram and Hemie are registered trademarks of FCAUS LLC. Talk all the time and things are good. What do you want the takeaway to be from, you know, people listening to this? Why step out of your comfort zone to do something like this? Well, I really didn't know where this was going to go, like, walking into this. And I think the biggest thing for me is just I didn't have, you know, I was in and out of this cycle for so long of, like, in treatment out for, a little while in treatment out for a little while and like I felt so alone in that um because I felt like people either got sobriety or they didn't and I had just like deemed myself as the type that

would never get it and um I was just going to like continue to drink and and die you know um and I think the biggest thing is like a you're not alone and like I just I get that feeling of feeling like no one gets where where I'm coming from when I'm in this really dark dark place but also that like you can you can go to treatment however many times and like who's to say what time's gonna stick and so like if if you are the type of person that's gone to treatment a bunch and you feel like it's never worked for you and, like, just keep trying because there is a beautiful life out there. And, like, the big thing that changed this time around was, you know, I am a part of a recovery program and I work a program and all my friends are like a part of that program. And I finally, like,

just did what other people told me to do and stop trying to do things my way. Because my ideas never work. And so, yeah, I think the big thing is just like you're not alone and like there's, there's so much life out there. Well, Rachel, thank you for spending your Thursday night with me. Yeah. And sit down to do this interview. And, you know, thank you for being a supporter and a fan of the show. It means a lot. And we wouldn't be here without you. Yeah, thanks, Ian. Hopefully it wasn't bad for your first time. No, no, I feel like I talked way too much. You did really well.

Okay, thanks.