Locked In with Ian Bick - Tragedy Leads To Addiction & Psych Ward Stay | Nicole Meo

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Nicole Meo shares her tragic story of how being the lone survivor of a horrific car accident that caused the death of her boyfriend and best friend led her down the path of addiction for years including a stint in a psych ward. Listen to this episode to find out how Nicole was able to make it through her heartbreaking times. Hosted, Executive Produced & Edited By Ian Bick: https://www.instagram.com/ian_bick/?hl=en https://ianbick.com/ Creative direction, design, assets, support by FWRD: https://www.fwrd.co Connect with Nicole Meo: https://www.instagram.com/nicole_meo_/ Buy Merch: https://lockedinbrand.com Use code lockedin at checkout to get 20% off your order Timestamps: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:09:43 - Growing Up in a Tumultuous Household 00:15:03 - Healing and Closure 00:20:05 - Struggles 00:25:14 - Survivor's Guilt a 00:30:33 - Seeking Alternative Methods for Pain Relief 00:41:01 - Dangers 00:46:15 - The Mind Shift I Needed 00:51:55 - Channelling Passion and Drive 00:56:50 - Sharing Personal Stories of Prison Life 01:01:28 - Bringing Light to Untold Stories 01:06:34 - Connecting with Others and Sharing Stories 01:16:47 - Finding Yourself and Embracing Your Story 01:22:10 - Overcoming Shame and Attracting Like-Minded Individuals Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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On today's episode, Nicole Mio is here to share her tragic story of how being the lone survivor of a horrific car accident that caused the death of her boyfriend and best friend led her down the path of addiction for years, including a stint and a psych ward. Listen to this episode to find out how Nicole was able to make it through her heart. heartbreaking times. I want to give a big thanks to all those who leave a comment on our YouTube podcast episodes or a review on our episodes on Spotify and Apple. It really does help tremendously get the show out there to more people. And if you haven't yet, please leave us a review. It helps us podcasters. Now remember, you could stay up to date on all the exciting things we

have coming to the Locked In podcast by following me on Instagram at Ian underscore Beck. Now sit back, relax, and get ready to lock in with Nicole Mey. Nicole, welcome to Locked in. Thank you for having me. This place is amazing. I'm really, really excited for you and happy for you, and I'm excited to be here. Thank you. Thank you.

You didn't know what to expect walking in? I had no idea. I know. A lot of people are like that. They don't know if we're going to like my parents' house or like just like some hole in the wall, but it's a legitimate production. This is amazing. I'm really excited for you and happy for you for sure.

Thank you. And you're friends with Jessica Kent. Yes. Who everyone's been asking to come on the show. Hopefully this encourages her. Oh, I hope so. She should get out this way. Yeah, she agreed to do it like a year ago.

But she's been busy with everything going on in her life. But we'd love to have her and Burner on the show. Maybe like a good joint double episode would be cool. Oh, of course, yeah. They're a dynamic duo, for sure. So they would make an interesting episode. And people love the female perspective on anything like addiction or prison or anything in that genre. our audience really loves that because it's a predominantly male audience, I would say.

So when they hear those perspectives, it's really intriguing. Yeah, sure. And Jessica Kent's like one of the OG people from this world that were on social media. Yeah, from the community. She's really spearheaded like a lot and really paved the way for a lot of women, not only in the prison community, but also recovery as well. So, yeah, for sure. And you've been able to build your own little platform.

I wouldn't even call a little. the following on TikTok and it's a recovery community. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I started making content probably in like 2021, I think. And I just started sharing my story. We were at a time where, you know, COVID kind of shut everything down, is obviously. And I saw that there was an increase in, you know, just addiction rates and mental health crisis. And I just figured, you know, if I can just share my story with somebody and maybe it'll,

it'll resonate and help somebody get through a turbulent time. And so I started sharing my story and it resonated with people. And I kept going. Like once I realized that it was, you know, hitting home for a lot of people, I didn't give up. So, and here I am. I love that. And you and your son have created like a business, right? Yeah.

Based on your social media too. Yeah, well, we're using that kind of to just create awareness. He started this project. It's funny. his birthday was in August. So I got on this bracelet that was full of just this beaded bracelet. And he loved it. I bought it online and he loved it. He wore it every day. And like a month later it snapped and broke and he was devastated. So he's like, Mom, can you order me another one? I said, sure. So I went online and I'm like, dude, I bet we can make these beads. And he's like, well, how so? I said, I don't know. Let's just order a bunch of beads. Get them in the mail and see where it goes. So we did. So we did. And when we got them in the mail, he looked at me. He's like, well, how do we put it together? I said, I have no idea. But I bet YouTube is going to show us. So I was YouTubeing like how to string beads. And sure enough, within the next like 20 minutes, he had a full arm of bracelets. And he went to

school the next day. He was like all pumped in the morning. Mom, I can't wait to show all my friends that I made all these beads. I was like, okay, sure. So I see him get on the bus and through the wind the kid takes a seat and he's pulling each one off one by one and he's like waving them around showing all of his friends so I'm like this kid's slinging bracelets in fourth grade and then he came home from school that day and he had orders and it's just kind of like snowballed from there so that's so awesome yeah and you guys brought me a bracelet too yeah and I will put the description on where people could order bracelets right yeah there's um I mean in my bio I sort of have a little link for orders and but I mean DM is probably the best way to do

just put in what you're specifically looking for. And each bead has a different meaning. So, like, the one I gave you has, like, tigers eye, obsidian, hematite, which all represent something different for like power, strength, grounding, things like that. So courage. That's awesome. And is he aware of, like, what they each represent? Oh, yeah. That's why when he got, when I bought him the bracelet at first, that's what he loved about it is that each stone had a different meaning. So he's all stoked that, you know, we can kind of gift that energy and put that behind, you know, the message as well. That's so awesome. Yeah.

How old is it? He's nine. He's nine. Did he get to hear that you were going on a podcast? Yeah. He's super excited. He thinks it's awesome. Does he know what that means, like what a podcast is?

He does from just like videos that I've showed him, trying to explain like the world of media. So I guess, I guess as any nine-year-old can understand it. Yeah. Yeah. Does he watch any of your content? No. Okay. He doesn't have social media.

He has YouTube that he watches like kids videos on, but he doesn't have, you know, access to TikTok or anything like that. I'm sure he will soon. When you make your content, do you keep him in mind, like thinking that he might see it down the road? Oh, for sure. There's a lot that I try to – how can I say this? You know, it's funny that you ask because about a year or so ago, I was personally. posting, you know, I just was talking about addiction in my story. And someone said, you know, what happens if your son sees this one day? Like, what would you say? And I said, well, I don't go into

too much, I try not to go into too many, like, triggering details in my stories, not only for his sake, but for the audience's sake as well. But I figure, you know, it's not, it's nothing that I'm ashamed of to talk about. So I feel like when that day comes, if my, son were to see a video and had questions about addiction or recovery or mental health struggles, I think it's important not to lie to our kids. I think we should just be real and honest about our struggles. And, you know, this is very realistic and this is how I overcame it. These are the steps I took. And, you know, this is what we do not to repeat the cycle. And I think there's no better lesson for a child than seeing their own parent, like,

who have lived it, explain it rather than like stick them in front of like a teacher. who has never lived that before. Exactly. That'll try to say, oh, don't do drugs, don't go to jail or this and that. Like, that's why I think this type of content's great, because you could literally stick someone in front of it to watch it and they could take so much more from it than like a professor ever could. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. So I just try to be honest. And we do have very realistic conversations just about life and obviously age appropriate. But at nine, I just didn't feel like it was necessary to go into, I don't, I haven't. had that conversation with him yet. Because for me, it's not age appropriate to, you know, necessarily talk about, you know, my state of psych ward, if you will, or, you know, the opiate

crisis, like, things like that. So, you know. Yeah. Well, we're here today to get into your story. Yeah. We'll let it all out. I'm excited to jump into it and, and share it on our platform. Yeah. Where are you from? Where do you grow up? So I'm from Levittown, Pennsylvania, which is just right outside of Philly, born and raised, lived there my whole life. And I moved shortly. I was living in New Jersey for a few years when I was married. But we got divorced and I moved back home. So I'm back in my hometown and I couldn't be happier to be there. Yeah. You like living in your hometown? I love it. It was nice to get away for a little while. Like I said, when I was living in New Jersey, it was still close to my hometown. But for some reason, people from Pennsylvania,

Pennsylvania, don't want to leave to come and visit you if you're in New Jersey. Even though I was just across the bridge like 20 minutes away, but people are like, I'm not coming to see you in New Jersey. I'm like, dude, it's 20 minutes away. But it was far enough. So it's nice to be back home. It was nice as a little break for a little while, but it's good to be back. Yeah, people are weird about that with New York City.

I'm like, I'm in Connecticut. And they're like, oh, I'm in the city. Can you come here? I'm like, it's literally an hour away. You can take the train. Yeah. That's funny. This is a nice area, too.

I mean, once I got through New York and I was sort of cruising like the highway backroads, it's a beautiful neighborhood around here. Yeah, this is Richfield, Connecticut. We'll have like some guests that come and there's like a deli below. So we'll bring some guests that are not, I would say like that the neighborhood's not really used to. You know, like, you know, people that are former kingpins or anyone like that like that has a certain look to them. even though they're the sweetest people. But you roll up to Ridgefield. You roll up to Richfield.

He has never had criminals in your life in Richfield. Right. Right. If someone gets arrested in Richfield, it's a whole big ordeal. There's probably like five police officers at the town of Richfield. That's fine. And they give everyone weird looks. Of course. Oh, yeah.

You could just tell. But it's a beautiful area. Yeah. Danbury is the town I grew up in the town that you passed through to get here. That's like half on that main road you took to get here. Yeah. like half of that Stamberry at my parents' house is actually just a couple minutes away. Oh, nice.

So I grew up in this area. You also live a few minutes away from your parents, right? Yeah, I live like 10 minutes away. Nice. You did your research. I did. And your dad was just in this seat. You've had some legends sit right here.

Is this the same chair your dad sat in? Yeah, my dad, Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase. Yeah, Brandon, Novak. Oh, my God. Do you know, Brandon? He's from Philly. Is it?

Yeah, he's from Philly. And he has a big recovery platform. Oh, nice. So that was a good episode from the Jackass series. Yeah, sure. He's a really good guy. Cool. Maybe someone you could link with.

100%. So you grew up in Philly, or in that area. Yeah. In that area. Yeah. What was the early years like childhood? Childhood, you know, typical middle class, you know, childhood. I grew up with an older brother.

But early on, my parents got divorced from the time I was a very young teenager. And at home it kind of got tumultuous, to be honest with you. My brother was getting in a lot of trouble, and I was sort of like on my own to sort of raise myself. And if you will, my mom worked a lot as a single mom to keep a roof over me and my brother's heads. And it was tough times. It was tough times. But, you know, I definitely partied a lot on the weekends. I started drinking at an early age, probably like 13, 14, maybe.

14. Same thing with like trying to smoke weed, 14, 15, but honestly, that's not even where, like, my story of addiction began. I, um, definitely like, I don't know, where do you want to go from here? You're on a roll. You keep it going. All right. So, you know, when we, um, like I said, I had an older brother. Things were tumultuous at home. And then I met a boyfriend when I was 15. and we started dating and things got serious. And eventually after high school, like I moved in with them. And so we were together for four years. And when I was 19, he was 20 or he was 21.

And we were coming back from Philly. Actually, we just went down the city and then we were coming home. And we got into a car accident and him and my best friend died. So the car flipped eight times wrapped around a guardrail and the two of them were ejected. And so I sustained like a shit ton of interest. And so I went to the hospital, found out that night that he didn't make it, found out the next day that my friend didn't make it. And because of all my injuries, I was prescribed a bunch of opiates and Xanax for anxiety, like all legitimate things. You know, I had the physical ailments.

I was battling with, you know, PTSD and the trauma of like losing my boyfriend and my best friend. So anyway, that kind of started my whole journey with you. addiction. You know, it just happens slowly. Like I said, I was prescribed to these opiates and I was taking them as prescribed at first. And then, you know, months of that were going by and I was still in legitimate pain. And before I knew it, I needed more. And then I needed more in a shorter period of time. And it kind of snowballed into that. And then I struggled with that for 15 years. Wow. I know. I can't even imagine losing a significant other. I've like, because I have friends who, you know, have passed recently and they have a significant other.

Or I see articles about individuals who have someone, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband or a wife, and they pass. And it's always on my mind, like how that person feels when that happens. It was awful. It was the worst time in my life. Like I said, I was 19. We met when I was 15. So he was my whole world and I was coming from a home that was so just there was a lot of chaos at home. So he was always like my safe space, you know, and we just vibed and meshed and jelled.

And we had a really nice relationship. He was the love of my life. And so when he died, my entire world got flipped upside down. And I really did not take time. to heal from that. You know, like I went to therapy maybe for a couple of months and then that was it. But I was young. I was immature and I was just trying to balance a life and I was taking courses at community college. I was trying to balance that. And it was insane. I really went through a hard time for a very long time. And then I got into other relationships with people. I think I was always trying to

fill that void, if you will. So I never really gave myself a whole lot of a time between him and then like my next boyfriend. So I was still trying to kind of, I missed him. And it wasn't that I was trying to necessarily replace him. But I think fill in that void because if you don't take time to heal from that, which like I said, I went to therapy maybe a couple of months. And then I just kind of was like, I'm fine. I'll be fine. And I was not fine. Did you have a support system at all? No. No one was there for you? No. No, because my mom was kind of dealing with her own stuff. Like I said, home was a tough time.

It was just chaotic. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and here's the thing is my support system at the time was not my immediate family. It was his family. His name was Steve. So it was Steve's family. So his mom had become sort of like a second mom to me. His sister was more of a sibling at the time than my own brother. And when he.

passed away. I was living with them and I remember saying to his mom, like, I guess I'll just pack my stuff and go back to my mom's. She's like, no, you can't leave. I just lost my son. I can't lose you too. And I was like, okay, like I'll stay. So we tried to be each other's support system. I think she has always viewed me like another daughter. I think she planned on me eventually becoming her daughter-in-law. So she always treated me like that. And after a while, while it was kind of hard for the both of us to heal and move on from him because we were still very much enmeshed and living together. So eventually after like a year after he passed, I remember we both sort of said to each other like, I think it's time for us to create some

space and try to move forward with our own lives. And I was so young, she's like, look, you have to move on with your life. You're going to start dating other people. She wanted me to start like to start seeing other people too. But it was a little. It was a little bit. But it was going to be hard for her to see me do that without her son around. So it was one of these things, like, I had to remove myself and start to move on, and so did she. When something like that happens, how do someone like yourself find closure? Hmm. That's a really good question. Or do you ever find closure? Maybe still to this day you don't have closure from that. I feel like I have closure now. it took me a long time and I think when you're battling addiction throughout that whole time,

I became an addict and that just sort of destroyed any chance I had at closure or healing because I was constantly numbing myself. So I didn't allow myself to feel anything in a healthy way. So I think I eventually got closure honestly when I went to treatment eventually. You know, it was like I said, I was in that. for 15 years. You know, I got pregnant with my son. He's nine. You were asking me how old he is.

He's nine now, but when he was about three is when I had, I just had a mental breakdown. They called it a temporary episode of psychosis. With the RAM declaration of deals, we're pledging our allegiance to the American people with great deals on the RAM 1500. Back with the legendary Hemi V8 and the RAM heavy duty. With the available Cummins Turbo Diesel delivering 1,000. 75 pound feet of torque, all backed by a 10-year- or 100,000-mile power drain-limited warranty, because nothing stops RAM.

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prescribed me medication, they were like, you know, we're not giving you anything else for the rest of your life. So you better just get your shit together. And so I did. But, you know, when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was like, I'm just going to get off of everything. I'm just going to get off of everything. And then I'll be good. And so I did. But then when he was born, I broke my tailbone during delivery. And I'll never forget. the nurse came in and she was like, she saw me writhing in pain. And so at this point, I had been, you know, sober from all the pills that I was just on for all those years prior. And she offered to give me a Percocet. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to be, you know, nursing him. So sure,

give me all the pain meds you can. And she gave it to me. And as soon as I took it and I came home, I was right back into it. And then that just sort of progressed until the time I went to the psych ward. Oh, wow. Yeah. How do you break a tailbone during pregnancy? That's a really good question. You like fall off the bat or something? Just from pushing. He was at a really weird angle. And I guess the way that I was sitting and pushing, I was at a weird angle and it was just the perfect storm of things to happen.

And that is not a fun injury to heal from because there's nothing that they can do. So I couldn't sit legitimately for like six months to a year. And the pain lasted for a couple of years for sure. But it doesn't. It's not often that it happens and it's not common. but I was the lucky person it happened to. So injury is a common foundation that that was a trigger on both occasions. Yeah.

Towards addiction. Yeah. So during the first injury, let's get into that. And then you were recovering from that while taking the percocets and pills and whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. So I, when I was in the car accident, I had a bunch of just, I was tossed around like a ragdow. Thank God I had my seat butt on.

Unfortunately, the two of them did. not. So that's why they were rejected out of the car. I had my seat butt on. So I was tossed around a lot in the back. And there was a lot of broken glass that shattered a lot of places that just sort of pierced and punctured me in a lot of areas. But I also bruised and broke some ribs. And I just had a ton of back injuries from that too. So like I said, I started taking the pain pills and Xanax for the first couple of months and then before I know it, I don't even know when addiction really set in, but after a few months, I remember I was trying to like slow down or cut back and I couldn't. And then I remember it just sort of like snowballed from there. Yeah. What were you doing during this

time? Were you working? Were you still, did you go back to school? Yeah. So I was going to community college for some business courses. And I was working downtown in Center City. I was actually working as a recruiter for like a staffing agency. And I liked what I did. I was, I was what they called a functioning addict. I mean, nobody really knew. I just was popping pills all day and all night. And I was working at the staffing agency and I never really wanted to stay there forever. It was one of these things that the money was good, but I remember thinking, I don't know if I want to do this for the rest of my life. So I decided to start going to beauty school. And I put myself through beauty school throughout the whole entire addiction and everything.

So I was going to work. I was going to school. And then I started working at a salon and just started to build my clientele. And the whole time I was doing that, I was suffering with addiction that nobody knew about. And no one could tell any signs at all? I think people could tell from a behavioral standpoint because I was just, from a behavioral standpoint, yes. Like I think people knew something was off with me,

but nobody could really nail down like, oh, she's popping pills all day. I think maybe either people knew. I think if you know the world of addiction, you know the signs. When I see somebody just like, if I see somebody showing those behaviors, I can kind of tell it's either addiction

or it's mental health issues or maybe both. I think a lot of people who knew me on an intimate level or personal level knew that that accident messed me up so much that they just thought that that's what I was struggling with. I don't think people understood to the level of how much I was struggling. But I think people knew, like, I think people dismissed my behavior, if you will, because of the accident. I mean, not only were you in physical pain, but you have the mental pain, too, of the loss

of the accident, too. I was a mess. I went in, I went back to school. I was like I said, I was in college and I remember taking a couple of weeks off to just heal. My arm was in a sling. Like it busted my elbow really bad. So my arm was in a sling. And I remember going back to school a couple weeks later. And my professor at the time, he's like, what are you doing here? He had read about it in the newspaper. And he was like, Nicole, what are you doing here? I said, what do you mean? He's like, I read about it. And you should not be here. Like, you should go home and give yourself more time. I said, I can't. I can't. I cannot be home and think about this. Like I just wanted to get my mind busy. I wanted to get my mind off of it. And he's like, are you sure? But every time I was in class, I mean, I couldn't focus. I was there with them when they didn't make it. Like I said, the car flipped eight times. It was just crazy. It was crazy. And so I had a lot of flashbacks. I had a lot of trauma and a lot of pain,

emotional pain. The physical pain was there and the emotional pain just sort of, I would say, what's the best word I'm looking for? It was crippling. The anxiety, everything, you know, emotionally, it was all crippling, for sure. Do you think you experienced survivors guilt at all? A hundred percent. In fact, when we, my dad took me to, so when my boyfriend's funeral came, that was during the day. We did a whole funeral, burial, service, everything. Then my friend's funeral was at night. He had a viewing. So my dad took me to that. And when we pulled up, there was a long line of people coming, you know, waiting to go up to the casket. And so when I walked up, you know, my arm is in a sling and people knew that I was the

girl that was in the car. If they didn't know me, they knew, they certainly knew that the girl survived, that the boys didn't make it. So I walked up and I'll never forget my friend Brian's dad. he was like, he took one look at me. And now his son is in a casket and I'm standing there with my dad. And he said, why were you in the back seat? You shouldn't have been there. My son should have been sitting in the back seat. And I was like, wow.

Okay. And I thought he's right. We moved. My boyfriend was driving. And I always rode. shotgun. And so we stopped on the way home to get gas. And as the boys went inside to get snacks, I thought, I am always in the front seat and Brian never gets to sit in the front with him. So I'm going to move and I'm going to sit in the back. So I did. And when they came out of the convenience

store, I remember Brian was like, why are you in the back seat? I'm like, dude, I don't know. You just, you never get to sit up front. So if you want to ride shotgun, you know, go for it. He was like, wow, thanks. And sat up front. And then when we were on our way home, that's when the accident happened. So when his dad said that to me, it hit me like his dad was right. And here I am as a 19-year-old kid standing there with my dad. And my dad looked at me and he was like, it's time to go. We got to go.

I got to take you home. And when we left, I looked at my dad and I just lost it. And I was like, you know, he's right, though. I shouldn't have been in the back and maybe if I was in the front maybe I would have wore my seatbelt and maybe he would still be alive maybe but and so I went through all of these scenarios like maybe this maybe I didn't deserve to be there you know I have this man this adult that's telling me that and it really it hit me right then and there that you know I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue on it was a very dark place I was very um I had a lot of suicidal thoughts for a really long time. I remember driving to work and thinking if I just, I was like on the highway just gaining speed. And I remember thinking if I just sort of turn my steering wheel hard enough, maybe I'll go into this ditch. And maybe that'll end everything for me.

And I don't have to feel this way anymore. And the only thing that stopped me, the only thing that stopped me at the time was, like, knowing me and my luck, I will survive, but I will never be able to walk again, eat again, breathe again. Like, I might be on life support for the rest of my life. Like, that was the only thing that stopped me. And I knew I was in a really, really dark place. But Survivor's guilt stuck with me for a long time. Do you feel like you still experience it at all to this day? No.

No. When I went to treatment and I got sober and stayed sober, I committed myself to just going and getting myself together. So I went to therapy. I talked to a therapist. I worked everything out in therapy every week. And I feel like that really, really helped me to just. just understand and understand more about life and to see things with more of a clear mind, you know, and to understand that it was really, none of it was my fault.

It just is. And sometimes really shitty things happen. And it's one of these things like, you can't explain it. I did feel guilty that, you know, I survived out of, you know, an incident that no one else made it. But you come to peace with things after a while. Do you think if you stayed with therapy after your accident, you never would have went down the path of addiction that you did? Or do you think that was inevitable after you first got that pain prescriptions? That's a good question.

The pain pills helped. I had so much physical pain that I needed them. And then when I took them, I didn't feel any, it just numbed me so much emotionally. And that was something I needed. I needed to hold on to anything that could numb me emotionally because I could not bear like the pain that I was feeling every day. So in a sense, it was like a survival thing. I was surviving. And I was in that survival mode for a long time.

I don't know if I would have stuck with it. You know, I wasn't honest with the therapist that I did see. I wasn't telling her that I was like becoming out of control with popping pills. I wasn't honest with myself for a long time. And I kept that under wraps from everybody that loved me and everyone I loved. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question.

Now, what happened to you could essentially happen to anyone in regards to getting into an accident and having a traumatic experience occur and, you know, getting prescribed medication that could ultimately lead to an addiction. Yeah. What do we as society need to be doing to prevent that from happening? Because I don't think physical pain and prescription pills ever goes away. What do we look out for? How do we get help to those individuals?

I think that we, it's really important to seek alternative methods. One of the things that helped me, I remember when I'm, I was leaving treatment. My doctor was like, you know, I can't give you any more pain pills. You're done. I'm cutting you off. I still had legitimate pain. And I remember thinking, well, what am I going to do? Like, I was struggling with back pain. This was a 15-year-long thing that I really didn't know, like, well, what am I going to do? How am I going to manage this? Advil doesn't work. Fucking Tylenol doesn't work. Like, what am I going to do? So I found a lot of relief with, I started a yoga practice. And I just did that. every single day, like the most mild, you know, beginners manual of yoga that you can possibly think of. And so I just started doing that. And slowly over time, it really helped me. I also was a big advocate for cannabis. I used cannabis for the first, you know, year or so after my, after,

like, I got out of treatment. I started using that as an alternative just as a tool to help me combat, like, that feeling of white knuckling that I was just kind, because your brain gets rewired. I mean, there's no way that you can take opiates or benzos for 15 years and then just, I mean, a lot of people can just stop and a lot of people believe in 100% abstinence. That was not going to work for me. I could not abstain 100% from the minute I got out of treatment. So I went down the cannabis route and it was super beneficial. I knew it was going to be used as a tool and that it wasn't going to be a lifelong thing. So that helped me combat pain and I kind of incorporated that along with a yoga practice.

And honestly, to this day, now I don't use cannabis anymore, but I still do yoga daily. I feel better now than I ever did. All those 15 years have taken all those pain pills didn't treat anything. It was just masking the problem. So I understand chronic pain patients because I know that their pain is legitimate. I think a lot of times people write chronic pain patients off. They just write them off as drug-seeking people. But I understand them and I understand that it's not a pain that just goes away.

But I also think, too, that when I started to heal and treat my mental health disorders, You know, I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for so long that that worked sort of hand in hand with the physical pain that I was experiencing as well. So I just feel like it was a combination of therapy and yoga and some cannabis. There was a lot of things that I did to try to, you know, help myself. When do you think you first started to realize that your addiction was creating, you and turning you into someone you weren't? That's a good question. I guess I'm flown with the good questions today.

I know. Well, you are. You put me on the spot a little bit, which is okay. It makes me think. They're thought-provoking questions, and they're deep. A lot of them, people haven't asked, so I have to think of an answer. I like to keep people on their toes, you know? Yeah.

I don't know. It all kind of ran together. I know 15 years sounds like such a long time, but, and it was. It just sort of all seems like one big blur of a mess. There is no defining moment in time where I was like, oh shit, my life is fucked up, or I'm a mess, or it just was an ever-evolving journey of a shit show. How did you support the habit? I know you said you were at the salon.

Yeah. Did that encompass a whole entire time? Yeah. So I used, I would go through, I was getting prescribed pain pills legitimately from a doctor, but I was breezing through them in like five to seven days. So for the rest of the month until I got refills, I needed to do something. So I was either buying them off the street, which got very expensive. But then they also came out with Suboxone.

This is not, I do not recommend, if anybody's listening do not do this, this was, I don't know how I even survived. but you do what you do. So I would sort of, I would get Suboxone off the street. So I would run out of pills, couldn't afford more, buy some Suboxin, and then use that until I got my prescription again. And I was just kind of back and forth with that, which is super dangerous and not a good idea for anybody to do.

Suboxone is good as a medicated assisted treatment to get off of opiates and stay off of opiates. Me, I was using it as, you know, an in-between until I got my next fix. How did you know where to find these pills and these drugs on the street and how accessible and easy were they to get? Well, when you're an addict, you tend to draw towards other addicts, and so I found others who were just like me, who were popping pills also. Also, the opiate addiction in the early 2000s was just on the rise. So everybody I knew. knew was going to see a doctor. Everybody was getting prescriptions. We were all selling them and taking them from each other. So, I mean, Philly is the largest open air drug market to date, except for, no,

maybe next to San Francisco. I think San Francisco might be number one. Philly is number two, I think, and there was a lot of opiates coming out of the city. So I had, I knew a lot of people. Did it ever get dangerous picking up, or were you dealing with, I mean, they're all, unsavory people, but were some of them savourably or like they were safe to deal with? For the people I was dealing with, for the most part,

they were neighborhood people. People just like me down the street. You know, people in my neighborhood, people also from, you know, middle class family. It wasn't, like I didn't need to go down the city to cop. I used to go down there when I was a teenager

and we would get, you know, Angel Dust and Coke and Chink. Hill on the weekends and we would go down there, that was more dangerous than getting opiates from my friends down the street. Yeah. Did your friends ever start to pick up on what you were doing? Yeah, we were all addicts at one.

Like, I just remember everybody I was hanging out with, I knew we were all popping pills. I don't know if they were, yeah, a lot of them were just as bad as me. So that wasn't like the sober one that was trying to knock some sense in you or anything, the party pooper? No, there was not. the party pooper. We were all in the same, we were all together. That was me. I was the party pooper because I would have friends that do drugs and whatnot. And I still do some drugs. And I don't, I've never done Coke. I've never, and people are

always surprised because I've owned a club. And I was never into that. Never got into drugs or I'm not even a big drinker. I just drink socially. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto TV. Then I heard a voice. me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is ours. It's just so beautiful. On Pluto TV, free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 N-EX-Files may cause

excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV, stream now, pay never. Really? And I have a very addictive personality, so, like, I feel like me doing drugs. I do edibles. I swear by edibles for, like, helping sleep. and Mike Tyson's edible brand and stuff

and they don't even pay me they'll send me some free stuff and I'm not complaining about not getting paid I just love their product you know and the edibles they're 10 milligrams and they're like shaped like an ear and it's really cool yeah it's like the ear that's on like the sweatshirt

No that's the shape of the edible yeah that's the shape and these things are so good I remember the first edible I ever did it screwed me up bad not his brand like years ago when I was a kid they My friends took a brownie and an ice cream and swapped it with a chocolate edible. I ate the whole thing and I couldn't feel my legs for the whole flight home. I mean, they're good.

Are they? What kind of edibles are they? You're asking the wrong person. I just eat them. There's different flavors. I'm not like a professional, you know. But I feel good and I just like get relaxed and it helps me sleep and whatnot. 100%.

I feel like I was a big edible person as well. that there's different methods. Some people prefer vaping. Some people prefer, you know, the flour. For me, the edibles were my jam, too. Oh, you called it the flour. You're like a little hipster, right? Like a little hippie kind of. Maybe. Like, and you call your son, dude, which is cool, too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's cool. I wish my mom called me dude growing up, like, yeah, what's up to? Like, I feel like younger moms now, or that's the thing, now that we're growing up in like this era and whatnot.

Like you're the cool mom, you know? Oh, well, thanks. I've had moms on the show that are like that, like, because it's, I don't know, my mom doesn't go on TikTok or anything. So, like, that's, it's just such a different changing world. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I keep knocking on those.

So what year did you have your son? 2014. 2014. So how far along into, like, your addiction were you? Um, 12 years, maybe? 12 years. And you just decide to stop when you had him? Yeah, not a good idea.

I do not recommend that either. So if you ever, if anybody, I mean, when you're getting off of prescription pills or any kind of drugs. But prescription pills especially, it's super dangerous to come off of that with no type of plan. Highly recommend talking to a doctor. I did not. I just stopped. And that was really dangerous. I put myself and my unborn son at risk by doing that, especially because the benzos, you can have seizures from just stopping.

It's serious. So I did, but I, you know, luckily I didn't experience any type of, you know, seizure or anything like that. But yeah, like I said, he was born and the cycle started again. And that lasted for another three years before I went to treatment. He was almost three when I went to the psych ward. Did your husband know you were used or an addict before you had him? So he knew I was prescribed all this medication. I don't think he knew to the extent of my misuse and overuse of it.

But he was aware that I was prescribed as a ston think he understood, yeah, to the level. How are you able to hide that from him? I just kept pills in a bottle in my purse, and I popped them when I wanted to. Nobody was taking tabs or counting my prescription. And when I ran out and I called a friend to, you know, either sell me, me some of theirs or get a couple of suboxins to hold me over until my refill was up. You know, he didn't know that. So it was, yeah.

How did it make you feel? Like, were you moody without them? Were you relaxed when you had them? What was that feeling like? I thought I was relaxed with them. I felt normal when I took them. I felt like a maniac. Not a maniac without them, but I felt sick.

I couldn't not take them. I went into, I mean, I was starting to withdraw maybe every like two to three hours if I didn't pop a pill, whether it was a Xanax or a Percocet or whatever. I mean, I would just pop whatever I could get my hands on. But it was primarily Percocet and Xanax

and muscle relaxers. So I was taking those three, you know, every couple hours. It was, yeah. And you're able to function clearly, like drive, do normal tasks, any of that? Like your vision's not blurry? You're not like kind of loopy from it?

You know, you would think that I was, but I felt, I felt like I was functional. I felt normal. You know, when you hear an alcoholic and they drink just to kind of balance themselves out and they're totally functioning. Like, it's not functioning as a healthy adult. But I mean, without them, it's weird. Without them, I was feeling fuzzy and like with, yeah, if when you go through withdrawal, you, your whole peripheral is off. You just feel, you feel out of it. You almost feel like,

I don't know, when I took them, I felt normal again. That's how it felt. Now, was your husband an addict too? No. Which is interesting because a lot of the times you see addicts attract other addicts. Right. Why do you think that was different in your case? I don't know. We drank a lot together, though. So our relationship was surrounded by alcohol. So any type of behavior that I might have shown, I think a lot of people too when they saw me in social settings or like, you know, my ex-husband, I think that was a factor that played in. I don't think people realize that it was like the pills that were making my behavior and things off. I think people just chalked it up to, oh, she's had a few drinks, which I did.

but yeah it was also yeah taking pills with them too but our relationship was yeah there was a lot of alcohol like almost daily it was a lot and he didn't see any of the effects when you decide to get clean during your pregnancy at all

I guess not I guess not it must have been brutal for you to be on them for that long and then to get off of them yeah I had one thing in mind which was I'm going to be a mother I need to get it together I have a son to worry about now. And so let me just focus on that.

And so I did what I needed to do. I don't think there was too much of, I mean, maybe there were some mood swings. But I think that was also like, oh, well, she's pregnant. So if she's having mood swings, you know, if she's moody or she's miserable, it was just sort of like, oh, she's pregnant. Yeah. So do you think that, you know, like with some addicts, and I'll interview people. who become parents where they change completely when they have a child, but we also hear about the mothers in the world that aren't able to change when they have a child

and continue down the drug use, and that ultimately affects their child's birth. Yeah. Why do you think that is? Is it a mindset thing? Is it how far along they are in their addiction? I mean, someone like you was 12 years in and you're able to just flick that switch for that time period. I don't know. I knew he deserved better. It was not something I could ever do for myself. I could never just give up

taking pills or like stop drinking alcohol for me. There was always something, you know, when he was growing inside of me, it was no longer about me. And I was able, that was the mind shift. That was the mindset shift that I needed at the time. That was like, oh my gosh, this this human being deserves so much more. That was enough for me. I can't really speak for somebody else because I understand so much of the pain aspect, both physically and mentally, and just trauma. And when you mesh those things together and then you throw on top of that, say a woman gets pregnant, and say she's not in a good or healthy relationship, there's a lot of factors for someone to continue using.

It's not something that is okay, but at the same time, like, I definitely understand. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Did you feel like you were getting, regaining your old self back during those months of being clean? No. No, I didn't do any of the work at all.

Which is why you had a relapse. Which is why I had a relapse. I didn't do anything. Like I just figured, in my mind it was, I'm just going to give these things up. And when I become a mother, everything is just going to work out. No. No, I didn't do a damn thing. I was just focusing on not using during pregnancy.

And that was hard enough. So for those nine months, that was like my biggest achievement, you know, is that if I can have this baby and he's a healthy boy, then I've done my part. But yeah, as soon as he was born, I was right back into it. And what was that like in the early stages of motherhood, getting right back into it? It was tough. So I had postpartum. My depression set back in for a couple of years. Him being an infant was very, very difficult.

I did not love the infant stage. I struggled. I struggled a lot. As any addict really would. And again, nobody really knew that that is what was going on with me. But yeah, it was tough. It was tough. Was your husband starting to catch wind?

Of... Of... That you were actually using now? Well, he knew that I was prescribed. I just don't think he really understand... He never really understood addiction. And... I think most people probably don't.

Right. And I think he had... this idea of you can just stop when you want. And it ran so much deeper than that. That stigma is what prevented me from reaching out and getting help sooner. It is because the people I was around, the people in my life saw addicts as losers. They saw addicts as someone who's just choosing to constantly use a drug when they can choose to just wake up and not use it anymore. That's what I was surrounded by. That stigma is what kept me from reaching out.

It's what kept me from talking about it. And I was terrified to just admit to people like that I needed help. So that's another reason that I was like so passionate about starting to share my story on social media. Like there's such a stigma, especially within communities like where I was from. I think it's more understood in areas where, where, you know, addiction is more on the rise or it's more well known or talked about. Addiction in my area was well known and talked about there's a recovery house on every other corner in my neighborhood. So it was very, it's very much alive. Like the opiate crisis

wiped my town out. And a lot of people ended up, you know, in the streets of Philadelphia that are from my town. But it was still not some, it's still just not talked about among homes. It's just something that's still very, very stigmatized. So that's why I'm so loud about my story. Like, let's break the stigma. Let's talk about it. There's mental health factors that go into addiction. It's not just, you know, somebody, nobody chooses to wake up and be an addict. Most people who are victims of the opioid crisis were probably in an accident. They were probably on the job and they slipped and fell off a ladder and they broke their back. You know, And you see these people in the middle of the street who, you know, have needles sticking out of their arms and people think, you know, oh my God, how can somebody get down there? It's like, I get it. You know, I totally understand. And I think it's just so important for us to have those conversations. And that's why even with my son, if he were to ever ask me anything about my TikToks or my videos, I really would just be completely honest about it. I think it's important for all families, even though someone like you who's never.

been an addict or struggled with addiction. But you said you had an addictive personality. Yeah, yeah. Well, like, how so? I'm, like, very, like, when I'm into something, like, I'm all in. Like, whether that be, like, a woman or, like, a project or a business, like, I get, like, obsessive, not in, like, a, like, a, you're crazy kind of way, but, like, you are in a way. like in a good way.

Like, you know, they talk about, like, the creators of the world, the people that invent stuff, how they, like, get obsessive over their thing. Like, that's me. Like, when I'm in work mode, and I kind of have, like, a little OCD when it comes to it, too, like, I have, everything needs to be perfect. Like, if there's, like, crumbs on the floor, I'm vacuuming that. Like, everything needs to be set a certain way. Like, my apartment's, like, always clean.

Like, I get up. I wake the bed, make the bed every morning. And, like, I make it, like, the prison way with the way I full. the blankets and stuff. And like I'm just, everything has a system, everything has a time. And I'm just super organized. And I think that's how I'm able to manage so many things because I'll deal with people and they're like, how do you manage to do one podcast? And then when I break it down for them, well, I do one podcast, which is now three episodes a week. Yeah. I do all the editing. I do all the filming. I do all of that. And then I manage clients where I'm working their podcast, doing clips,

doing all these things. So it's just like the way my mind is, mind works is that's like the addicted part like it's just like it the way it's able it's a very unique mind I guess you could say but it could get I guess dangerous like when I was gambling and stuff it's never like I don't like to give up so you mix that and with that personality and pursuing pursuing pursuing like I will pursue it until the brakes fall off and even then I'll still probably pursue it yeah but it's also not as bad where like if say like apply this to relationship wise you hit on someone they say, no, I'm not interested. I'm not going to continue to pursue that person.

Yeah. Because then that's just like that's borderline, like creepy or weird, if that makes sense, you know? Sure. So that's just the way my personality is. And I'm like this quirky, nerdy guy that just likes to hustle and do this. And I've found what my purpose is and my passion is. You have. You have.

And I think as long as it's channeled into a healthy avenue, it's not a bad. No, it's not a bad addiction. It's more of a passion, more so than an addiction. I think with passion and drive, like you said, with gambling, it can lead to something else because you never want to quit. You never want to give up. But, yeah, if it's channeled the right way. So, you know, we are creative minds. We have, you know, it's funny that you said with your creativity, with your podcast and just how you like to go, go, go.

So, you know, I just feel like people are wired so differently. So for me, I've always been such a feeler. I feel everything. I'm real comfortable talking about feelings. I'm just, you know, therapy was like my jam. As soon as I started talking to therapy, I was like, oh, I get it. This is what I was supposed to do. So it's funny that I was trying to numb that.

I was passionately numbing my feelings. And it's like if you channel it the right way, it can be a superpower. So I feel like with yours, if you channel it. in a healthy way. Yeah, I mean like, and I think I still get some of the the gambling aspect to it because I took a risk

by quitting my job to do this. You know, you're still, every day as an entrepreneur, it's a risk, you know? 100%. It's a risk, but I also know that if it doesn't work out,

there's other opportunities. Yeah. You could always work for someone else, but that's also not my mindset either because I'm like, well, this is the only thing that will work. Yeah. So I have to do everything,

leave no stuff, and unturned. And go all in. Yeah, that's me. And, you know, I just, I just do that. And it's gotten me this far, you know, and it's continuing to grow. And I'm, and I'm becoming an inspiration for others. And prison became my superpower. I never thought I'd be saying that. But isn't it amazing? Yeah. It's from prison to podcast. Yeah, I know, from prison to podcast. And I think, like, to be at 28 years old and to figure out my purpose in life and to know that this is what I was meant to be doing. Yeah.

Because if it wasn't working, I don't think then it would hit me with that. But everything is just like, it's coming together. And there's still a long way to go. Yeah. But like I look at it as this prison, jail, going to trial, that whole experience ate up 10 years of my life. Wow. You know, because that was, that happened in 2013 when the case started up until I got

off probation and, you know, 22. Wow. So that's a long period of time. And you still have those rammed. from that years later, you know? And so it's just like, how could that not be my purpose? Like, how could I put that to the side and not use that to my advantage? Because you have this world that wants you to not be able to use it to your advantage

and wants you to it be like a bad mark on you. And I'm like, fuck that. Let's run with it. Like, I'll walk into a room and like, yeah, I went to prison. Yes. Today I posted on my social media, like, happy five years of, getting out of prison. And the oldian, the person that was like kind of like what society was thinking

would never have done that because I never would have owned that. It took me four years to start talking about it. And I'm a big like, like, you know, I'm a big like feelings person. I like to talk about my feelings and whatnot. But I never did that before. And then I did therapy for a year after prison, but I would never talk about prison. And now I'm just so comfortable. Yeah.

Like I'm comfortable even like talking about like the sex stuff in prison. You know, like about the guard and the crazy stories and all that. And that became a part of my identity. And that translates into like talking about that stuff. Like I always wondered how like girls are able to talk about that type of stuff on podcasts. Yeah. And then I realized I'm doing the same thing just in a totally different way. I'm not saying like, oh, I hooked up with sew it.

So I'm talking about a prison guard that tried to rape me. But, you know, like it's all, it's similar. And when you own that and you become comfortable in that, it just, it changed. changes you. Don't you think to that just when you start to open that can of worm of just sharing any little story or tidbit of piece of like your past that could be perceived as shameful, once you start to share it, the shame immediately goes away. And then I think it just sort of like helps you open up to share more. So my question to you is. Oh yeah, this is changed. You're interviewing me Yeah, look at that.

My question to you is when did you decide and why did you decide to share your story? So my friend, I was working at Whole Foods and my friend Mike Squires, he was a videographer for the old club. He was like, dude, you got to get on TikTok. And I had a TikTok account not to post just to watch everything during COVID because that was the thing. You know, seeing all the clips and all the Tiger King clips that they were repurposing and all the podcasts. and just watch content. I was always like busy working at Whole Foods, so I didn't really have too much time.

But I'd scroll through like what everyone else was doing. But I never thought I'd ever be a creator. And I also was never going to be the kid dancing and getting social media followers because that's what TikTok was at that time. And he's like, dude, just start telling your story. And I just remember sitting down, starting to do clips talking about myself

and going to prison and running the club. And my fifth video went viral on TikTok. Wow. And that was me talking about solitary. Wow. And that changed my life forever because then I realized, wow, like this is, there's something here. There's something. And I did that.

Like, I was chasing for so long, like the movie deal or the book deal or this about my story. And I was so dependent on other people trying to put me on. Like, I needed like a Netflix or an HBO or whoever, whoever would listen to me. And I realized, like, there's a power in my story that doesn't, I don't need them. I don't need a major news organization to get millions of views, you know? Sure. And then I think the growth, the real maturity came was when I made it about other people where it became like, this is in a podcast where I talk about me every episode.

This is probably the most I've talked about me in a little while, you know, and it's good to sprinkle it in so our audience can get to know me, you know? Yeah, for sure. But I try to make it about the guests as much as possible. Yeah. Because that's important because each guest represents me in a way. because we were the people that the world didn't want to listen to, didn't want to hear their stories. And that, like, if you called the news station, they wouldn't run an article on that person to say the good that they're doing.

So you eliminate the need for that and you give them a platform like this. So each person, like, I want to showcase them as much as possible because you've got to have, you have to give them that voice. There's this power now that I have a platform. I have to use that to do good. and yes, it's become a business too, but it comes kind of hand in hand, you know? So I think that's my way of giving back and making change. And I'm never going to be one of those people that are like on my platform preaching about like prison reform or anything like that. There's people in the world that are meant to do that, that you have politicians, you have the advocates.

I think my place is shining light on what goes on in the system and what goes on in recovery and what goes on an addiction. you mix that in an entertaining way where the people that would not normally listen to someone going on about what needs to be changed in the judicial system or the recovery system, that loops them in, the entertainment aspect with the flashy titles and all that, and then they feel for that person

when you humanize that individual. Like if someone looked at you on the street, not that anyone would look at you as a past addict, like if I saw you walking around, the same way people look at me, they would never expect I went to prison. I would never expect that you suffered through addiction. And when they find out, they're like, okay, she's a former addict, this and that.

But they didn't know about the trauma you endured through that. They didn't know how my upbringing was of why I got charged. They just refer to us as a scam artist and they refer to you as an addict. So if we get to the root cause of why that person did the things they did or go down that path that the news and the media and the court system never public. then I think you could create change in a different mindset in that. I love that you said that. And I think you're doing a great job at that.

I think you have absolutely found your purpose in life because it is such an important role in society for people to shine the light on those stories. And I relate to that in so in such a, just in such a realistic way. because I go down to Philly a couple times a month and I just collect, you know, donations, clothes, food, and we serve the unhoused population in Kensington, which is the largest open-air drug market. And when I'm down there, the reason why I'm saying this is because it relates so much to you.

There are people who are going to deal with the homelessness, like the homelessness and the drug addiction, people like politicians that are in power, they have all the power. Ryan Reynolds here for MintMobil. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistance assistants to switch you to MintMobile today.

I'm told it's super easy to do at midmobile.com slash switch. Up front payment of $45 for $3.5. month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. Seeful terms at mintmobile.com. I'm not that person who's going to be in front of the courthouse picketing. I'm the person that's going to be down there, just humanizing those people, letting them

know that they haven't been forgotten about, letting them know that they're loved and that they're cared for and that they're valued and that they have a voice, especially the women down there, they have to endure so much and they have so, they have to do a lot of things to survive. So for me to go down there is another woman and bring clothes and blankets and sweaters and, and clothes and food for them. They feel seen and they feel like, you know, for me, it's just, hey, I get it. And I'm not here to judge you. And I'm not here to make you feel bad about your choices in life. You know, I've seen other people down there, not with my group, but I have seen others who go down and, you know, they start just preaching to them,

giving them, you know, the third degree telling them you got to go to treatment, you know, you could, you could turn this around and it's like, they know that. They know that they need just, they don't want to be, nobody wants to be an addict. I don't know that necessarily preaching at them is going to be the answer either. Maybe for some. But in my experience, when I look back at all the reasons that helped me get clean and stay clean, were all the people who were just kind enough to see me, to see me as a person and not make me feel bad and shameful for all of the things that they think I should have done or the person they thought I should have been. All the things that helped me stay clean and turn my life around were just the people

who gave me a minute to just talk, just to feel seen. Everybody just wants to feel seen and heard. And I think you do a fantastic job at that and just bringing people from your world and your community in the prison life and in the recovery world and giving them this space to say, hey, we hear you and we see you. And whether or not the rest of the world views you as misfits, like, we're here and we have a story and it's powerful. And so I think you're doing a great job at that.

Thank you, Nicole. You're welcome. I mean, I just love that. Like, I'll look at like women, like attractive women that have these popular podcasts where every day they talk about the same shit from the weekend and this. and that and that gets thousands of views, hundreds of thousands of views, and I get it.

Like, that works, and there's a market for that. And who knows how long that will go on for, but that's a popular thing where, you know, if you're attractive and you can get a podcast together, and it works, you know. But what I also love is that

we can do the same thing and get the same amount of views, and we're talking about the things that society doesn't want to be so open about. You know, they're okay with the girls talking about sex, and it does millions of views, but they don't want to hear about the prison stuff, you know?

Yeah. So now there's this whole prison world and there's this whole addiction world. And we're talking about things that happen that no one's been talking about and it's doing hundreds of thousands, millions of views on just stories, you know? Yeah. So I love that aspect. And I saw someone's comment the other day where they said, he just gives the average person a chance to tell their story.

Like people could literally DM me and I'll more than likely answer. and if I don't answer I'm not in a rush to get you scheduled just we have so many stories which is why we're going to three episodes a week but I try to be as responsive as possible because people look at me the same way that I looked at other people

you know growing up so I have to be weary and mindful of that yeah and I think like you said there's there is just a rise of people coming out about these stories that were, you know, just a decade ago or even, you know, obviously before then, but even just 10 years ago, nobody was talking about this stuff. It wasn't viewed as, it wasn't easily digested, I don't think. And now, I don't know. I mean, I thrive in those uncomfortable conversations. Like, I don't want to talk about shop. Like, I don't care about, there's a lot of things that society talks. I just don't care about shopping. I just don't care about things. that you know what it's not surface level for a lot of people but for me it is i want to get down

to what you went through as a kid that traumatized the shit out of you that like this is these are the this is where i thrive like when i talk to people i always say i'm like you know i would be a kidnapper's worst fucking nightmare because don't kidnap Nicole don't kidnap me man because i'm going to sit there and be like why didn't you why didn't your father hug you enough as a Let's talk about your trauma. You know, they'd be kicking me out of the van. Like, get this fucking chick out of here. What the fuck?

So, yeah, but that's where I thrive. And I think now that there's a space in media for that, it opens up a lot of doors and a lot of opportunities. And I feel like it's so healing for society. I think if there's going to be any change with our mental health crisis, with addiction, you know, no one seems to understand how to turn anything around in the mental health space. You know, there's not enough therapists. There's not enough workers.

People say all the time they don't get paid enough. So, again, I just think that talking about things and creating these safe spaces where people can connect with others and get their stories out is going to be really healing. And I think it's going to shape art society for the future, for sure. I think by the time my son is our age, well, you're a lot younger than me. But I think. Oh, wow. That was a shot. She would have me already.

I mean, it's really a shot at me. I feel like I should have said I'm so much older than you. I feel like I'm so much older. No, I got the baby face. It's okay. So you're what, mid-30s? Maybe. You're older than mid-30s?

I'm 39. Oh, that's not, that's mid-30s. Thanks. Yeah, I got you. No, I'm 28. Yeah. No, but I have friends like in this space that are a lot older. J-D's got to be, I think, J-D's early 40s?

I think so. How old Jessica? Jessica's. She's older than me. I don't know. She's got to be in her 30s. Yeah, no, she is. Yeah.

But earlier. Yeah, my friend AJ Galante, who has the Talk of Trash podcast, he's 10 years older than me. I don't know. I vibe better with older people. Yeah, and it really is just a number. Yeah. It really is. I feel better.

I feel better now. I'll be 40 in July. Like, I have never felt better than, like, I look back in my 20s. I mean, yeah, at 20s, I was an addict. but I still feel so much better now than I ever did. So it really is, it's just a number, whatever. So the psych ward story. How long were you in the psych ward for?

Two weeks, man. It was the most interesting. Did they put you on like the smock and everything too? No. No. I, it was really, it was a really interesting time. I laugh because it just seemed like I was living in a movie. I was had I just I lost my mind I went into psychosis I thought that there were cameras everywhere

I thought I was being recorded everywhere the way that they described it to me in the hospital was that just a chemical imbalance that just led to psychosis um now what's a definition of that like were you pronounced like crazy is that what that means yeah so I couldn't I actually lost my right to make any decision. So my ex-husband, he took me to the hospital, like a regular hospital. He didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't really know what was wrong with me either. I just felt like I was losing my eff in mind.

I was super insane. Like, I felt people were following me, but it was really weird. Like, I was seeing things, but I wasn't sure if they were there or not. It was a really weird time. He eventually talked to me and to go into the hospital. we went there. I fought the hospital staff for nine hours. I was like ripping needles out of my,

like they were just putting fluids in me. They didn't know what was wrong with me either. I wasn't ripping them out. I was getting ready to leave. The security almost tackled me down. It was wild. They finally gave me a CAT scan because they thought maybe something was like,

maybe I had something on my brain. That's what they thought. Gave me a CAT scan. that there was nothing wrong, sent me down to the crisis center in the hospital. And a psychiatrist came on a Zoom call. They put me in this room with a psychiatrist. And I yelled, screamed, and cursed the psychiatrist out within the first minute that he popped up on the screen. So he basically, I mean, I was not, you couldn't deal with me.

I couldn't form a normal sentence. they knew that there was nothing, like I just was totally irrational. So after being there for almost a whole night, the hospital staff finally asked my, the psychiatrist, I guess, deemed me as like unfit to make any sound choices on my own. So they gave that power over to him. And they were like, she can either go home with you and you can take her home like this or you can send her to treatment. So he sent me and it was the best thing.

It was the best thing. But from there they took me to a psych ward from the crisis center in a hospital. And it was interesting. That's got to be scary, like losing that ability to make decisions and not you're going into a place you don't know when you're getting out. Like there's no outdate. They're not saying you're done on this day, right? No, but I had no effing clue what was going on around me anyway.

All I knew is that I was being taken into an ambulance and they were shipping me off to this place. when I got there, they needed me to fill out paperwork. I looked at this guy. I'm like, I can't fucking fill out anything. Like, I didn't even know what I was doing there. It wasn't until, like, when they finally processed me, they got me medicated, and I went to sleep. And then when I woke up the next day, I remember looking around and I was like, what the hell?

So I got up. I went out to, like, the main room, this hallway, and then I went to, like, the front desk. I was asking them to make a phone call. Like I had a lot of questions. And I remember looking around at everybody. And I remember thinking like, these people are fucking crazy. I don't belong here. Like this is like, no, no, I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

Like, this is not where I'm going to be. This is not, this isn't me. Like, I needed to get. And then I don't know what exactly hit me. I think somebody from the hospital staff was like, you're going to be here for a while. I'm like, well, what's a while? They were like, we have no idea. And then it clicked.

Like it dawned on me that I'm like, oh no, I'm the nudiest one in here. Like I thought that I was the person that like, oh, this is not my place. And then I realized, no, I was the one who came in here like a fucking hurricane. And people were telling me stories the next day of what I was like when I came in. I don't even remember doing half the shit that I did. But when they told me, I was like, oh, no, I belong here. I belong here more than any of these people belong here. here. Was your husband supportive through this or did that kind of push a wedge between you guys?

No, he was supportive. Um, you know, it's interesting. When you get into a relationship when you're a mess. Here comes a relationship advice. When you get into a relationship when you're a mess, I was a mess. I was very, I was in, I was just very hurt. Um, you know, I had a lot of trauma to figure out. And getting into a relationship when you have all of those issues. is not the best idea. So when it happens, you know, he was supportive. The tide that turned for him and I was when I got sober and was staying sober. It was we were no longer a match.

You know, I remember him saying to me, like, you've changed a lot. And he was saying it as a bad thing. He was saying it is a negative thing. Even though you changed for the better. I changed for the better, but not for him. Isn't it a crazy man are attracted to the crazy sometimes? To the wildness, to the idea.

That must have been what he loved, you know? Like the psycho version of Nicole, who was just an addict, I was a walking red flag. I had a lot of toxic traits. I was suffering with, you know, mental illness. And I was easily manipulated. I had no self-esteem. and I was easy to control until I wasn't. And things got real.

And that's when things started to take a turn for the both of us, for the worst. Now, do you look for to make sure that someone doesn't have those traits when you're going back into the dating world after having that much trauma and all of that in your life? You know, it's hard because I'm not immersed back into the dating world. at all. Like, I've been so focused on healing from this relationship. Like, I focus so much of my time for the past six years on recovery and staying sober and healing my trauma from the past. And now it's like we've been, the divorce will be a year, but I moved out in 2021. So it's been, you know, it's been a couple of years since we've been separated. And this whole time,

I've been just focusing on getting my shit together. Like, what do I want to be? Who am I looking to attract, right? So whoever it is that I'm thinking of would be the ideal partner. I'm working on making that myself. Like, I'm working on being that person, turning into that person, so that I can allow and open that, attract that person in. So that's what I've really been doing.

I'm not really in the dating. I got goals and shit. That's awesome. I'm a mom. I got a kid to raise. I can't, you know, like I don't want to be distracted by, you know, just like the dating world in a sense. It's tough out there for people. Is it?

Yeah, you don't see all the TikToks and stuff. I see this shit every day. People are talking to every other TikTok is like dating in 2024 and like this and that. Who cares? Everything comes to you at the right time. It does. For sure. If you're meant to meet someone, you're meant to meet someone, and it's just, that's the way I live life.

You know, like, you go with the flow. 100%. Like, I have friends that are like, they're out there, like, they got to go on a date every weekend or they got to do this, they got to do that, just to find that. And it's like, let it come to you, you know? Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the ride. I agree. And I also think as an addict, I have to be careful with looking to fill a void and looking to whether or not,

I am trying to engage in a relationship because I'm trying to feel something that's outside of me. Like I'm really trying to just be such a solid person on my own. Not someone who's looking for external validation from somebody else. Like how can I validate these things for myself without needing somebody else? And then I believe that that person will come into my world, if that makes sense. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you ever think about what life would be like?

like now if you never had that accident? Because I always think I reflect back on my life and I think, well, what if I never own the club or what if I never did this one move? And it's not about regret. It's just about we get curious as humans about how things like if you never met this person or this thing never happened. What does that like for you? Well, for so many years, and I don't know if you feel this way too, but for so many years that was like the demise of my life. Like, I remember thinking this is the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to me. Why is this happening?

Why is this happening? And I lived like that for so long. And then just now looking back, it's like, who the hell would I have been without it? Like I'm so glad. Not that I'm happy it happened, but it made me who I am. It shaped me for who I am. And I know a lot of people who get through life. and it's a very safe place for like life was safe for them there wasn't a lot of like crazy turmoil

and I used to admire that about people and now I don't because I'm like I think I'd be a fucking square who wants to be a fucking square nobody's square that's funny yeah now you got excitement in your life and you got a full story you know And you own it. That's what matters. Yeah. What do you want your message to be your takeaway from your story? If anyone's listening, like what's that one? I mean, people are listening, so that came out wrong.

But what do you want those listeners to take away? I'd say take whatever that thing is inside of you that you feel the most ashamed about and figure out how to own that. because whatever that shameful part of you is, whatever that thing you're most embarrassed by, is your thing. That is it. That is the thing that's going to, it's there for a reason. It's your purpose. It's your message and everybody has one. Everybody has a message. And if that's the one thing I can take away from my story and from my experience is to do that. And if you do that, and you kill the shame and you get through it all,

you will attract others just like you, and you'll be free. You're free from that.