Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep1 - The Hellfire Club

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

(No, not that Hellfire Club.) The Loremen return for series 6 and it's a saucy start to the year. We travel to the county of Buckinghamshire to meet some rich and powerful men who are behaving disgracefully — what a twist! William Hogarth, Sir Francis Dashwood and The Notorious John Booth set up a secret drinking society in the 18th century. The first rule of the Hellfire Club was that you had to have been to Italy, and the second rule was that you had to be drunk. (A bar for entry that has been pretty much smashed by low-cost airlines and duty free.) From cavorting in monasteries to tangling with Satan himself, these utter legends lived by the motto, "Do what thou will!" This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor Join us LIVE in Leicester on the 9th February 2025 (2025): comedy-festival.co.uk/events/loremen-live Join the LoreFolk here... patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music, and it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shake Shaft. I'm Alistair Beckett King. And Alistair, we're kicking off series six with a doozy. Kaboom!

Kaboom! Kadoos! Oh, can you smell sulfur? And a slightest hint of baboos? Yeah, with a tinge of brimstone. And again, I'm going to say baboon. Well, why don't we find out how come we can smell those horrible things when we discover the Hellfire Club?

Oh, like Stranger Things. It's a different one. Alistair James Shake Shaft, hello. Hello Alistair Beckett King, how's it going? Not bad, happy new series James. And a merry new series to you too. And also with you. First up, a click bait disclaimer.

Because this episode is called the Hellfire Club. And if I've had my way, it should have in brackets not that one from Stranger Things. Because I don't want people to think that we're trying to cash in on a TV program that probably came out almost 10 years ago. Everything that I think came out recently turns out to have come out 10 years ago. So you're right. It probably did come out 10 years ago. We're not for series six, we're not getting into clickbait territory. This is a real bit.

No, you're talking about like a low rent strip club in Grimpy by the sounds of it. If we were to get into clickbait, we would call episodes things like seven signs that stranger in the forest is the devil. You won't believe number four. Number four is that if you look at his feet, they're hooves. Doctors have one weird trick for putting mummies in clocks or something. I can't remember that story well enough. It was, it was for the money.

You're right. You were, you were right. Yeah, it was, it was the money in the end. What a twist. No, this Hellfire Club is not the Hellfire Club from the t-shirt in the later series of Stranger Things. This Hellfire Club is also not the Hellfire Club that we've already talked about in Dublin.

I think you had the story. I think it was a health, it was some sort of meeting that was struck by lightning. Oh, I thought the Hellfire Club were based in Edinburgh. Are we doing the Edinburgh based Hellfire Club? No, not the Edinburgh Hellfire Club even. Oh, whoa. But before we get into all of that Alistair, I want to do a little bit of a roleplay, a

sort of a filmic start to this episode. Okay, great. Right. We've got to get into the mindset. We are two villagers in the town of West Wickham. Wickham with a Y, not Wickham with an I. Will Barron And what part of the country are we in? It's just an old accent to do.

Alistair Buckshare Buckshare Buckshare, not Barks. Will Barron Oh, no, oh, Barks. Alistair Buckshare Buckshare, not Barks. Not Burks. Will Barron Not Burks. Alistair Buckshare

Oh wow, it's a real accent. Will Barron It's a really different accent, isn't it? Alistair Buckinghamshire, not neighbouring Berkshire. What the... do we really need all these counties? Do we need them? I've got a story from Huntingdonshire as well for later. That doesn't even exist anymore. So I have no idea what a Buckinghamshire accent is. It's probably, oh, ew, ew, ew, ew, no, no, you can't come through here. Well...

That's what I imagine it sounds like. But the peasants are probably more like, oh, arr, and I'm doing pirates, I'm sorry. We're locals, so we are more in the piratical area of Aksin. You cannot come through here. Not quite so piratical. Welcome to Buckinghamshire. Oh, actually, while we mention Huntingdonshire, can I just tell you about Ainsbury and two giants?

Please. There's one mythical, one real. This I'm quoting from Folklore Myths and Legends of Britain, you know, friend of the show, Reader's Digest. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, by the way, I learned recently that shortly after Reader's Digest published Folklore, Myths and Legends of Britain, they published one of America. What?

I feel sick, James. I've got it. What? How did you get it? I just found it on the internet and then ordered it from World of Books. Wow, that must have cost a pretty penny. It was surprisingly not. It was like normal price, like a fiver, you know, second hand book

price, but it's hard back. Oh, wow. Wow. Cause the English one goes for a pretty penny. It goes for a hot dollar. Yeah. Anyway, Ainsbury two giants. So the legendary giant, Hulled Spears and another giant who was half a mile upstream. There were two, there's basically two earthworks and people thought that was just two places where giants fought each other. One of your classic throwy back and forth giant situations. Now they say two giants, one mythical and one real, but that's first story already includes two hopefully mythical giants. We're already up to two on the giant count.

But the real giant was James Taller, who was born in 1798. James Taller? I'm going to read this verbatim from a friend of the show, Reader's Digest, Folklore, Myths and Legends of Britain. Ainsbury's real giant, James Taller, was born in 1798 and he was said to have been five foot five inches tall when he was 10. Oh, they led to some was 10. Oh, okay. Okay.

I look like a prize fool. He was eight foot six by the time he was 18 and he died in 1818. So quite young actually. And that's only 20 and his huge body was buried inside the church to prevent it being stolen by body snatchers. And I'm an anatomical research. There's a difficult word to say. Cause I nearly said animatronic research, which I mean, I think we'd

all want our bodies protected against that. We've got to guard against the fungineers. Sorry. He's imagineers, isn't it? Fungineers is the one from Futurama. Well, the Dungeneers I thought you said. The Dungeneers. Oh, still.

Yeah. They love killing a skeleton and taking a single gold coin from its bones. How was it holding it? We don't know. drama. Well, the Dungeoneers, I thought you said. The Dungeoneers. Oh, still. Yeah. They love killing a skeleton and taking a single gold coin from its bones. How was it holding it? We don't know. But Alastair, I don't want to tell you about none of that. I want to get back to our role play. So we're two villagers in the town of West Wickham.

All right, mate. All right. So we're more like that. Okay. Yeah, we're a bit more like that. We're not boy, we're just in West Wickham. We're not pirates. We're looking up at St. Lawrence's church.

But with a much more West country accent. Hey mate, you know St. Have a look at that church over there. I've gone way too Bristol by the way. I, yeah, I know. I don't know what the accent is. All right, let's walk over there with our legs. Let's, or me too.

Just a yes anding here, James. I'm doing what I can. I'm not really an improviser. Look at St. Lawrence's church. You see that- Did I start reacting too early? No, it's a big church. Wow! A church that I live near. Wow. Blimey. You see that big gold sphere on top of the tower.

How many people do you reckon could have dinner in that? Oh, I don't know because I don't know how big it is, James. I reckon maybe between four and six could have dinner in that. That sounds about right to me. And potentially an orgy. Whoa! Yeah! Arrrr!

That's the most shocking thing I've ever heard. I used to think character, I'm confused. No, I'm out. We're out of the roleplay, because this Hellfire club, the one that was set up by Sir Francis Dashwood, who in about 1755 founded a private society called the Knights of St. Francis, which was a secret brotherhood, limited to 24 men of high social standing. And they originally met in Medmonum Abbey. Medmonum is a place.

I'm presuming I'm saying that right. I don't know how else you could say that word. Could you say it more piratically? Medmonum. Medmonum. It sounds a bit like I'm doing an impression of a motorbike. Medmonum Abbey. And they would conduct mock religious ceremonies.

And Alastair, they were sex people. ALICE What? LIAM They had sex parties. ALICE Eww. In the ball? It's disrespectful to the ball. LIAM Not yet. Not yet.

Later, they would apparently have debauched dinner parties in that orb on top of the church. I've got an eyewitness, or an attendant of one of those. Who was it? John Wilkes, who is a, he keeps being referred to in all these books as the notorious John Wilkes. Oh, because he was a rapper. No, and he also wasn't probably the more famous John Wilkes, John Wilkes Booth, who's the guy that shot Abraham Lincoln. This is a different guy.

If you believe the narrative, yes. I believe his notoriety is because he basically was locked up for, what's the one when you have a go at the royalty? Treason. Treason, yes. He was locked up for treason because- Just go right in at the top if you're going to commit a crime, I say. Forget Jay Walken, just go right up for treason because- Just go right in at the top if you're going to commit a crime, I say. Forget Jaywalking and just go right up for treason. He faced a charge of seditious libel because he attacked George III's speech, which was

something about a peace treaty. And he basically said that the king had lied in that. He'd criticized this in a newspaper called the North Britain and it was an issue number 45 and this number 45 became synonymous with the Jacobite uprising, which was also in 1745 and they, they called themselves the 45 basically. Anyway so this guy, he was part of the Hellfire Club, the notorious John Wilkes. He said that six people could be seated comfortably inside the ball because he said it was six when he was describing a drinking orgy with Sir Francis Dashwood and four others that took place inside the ball and he boasted of the amount of drink they consumed.

He said later, it was the best Globe Tavern I was ever in. So that's a little joke because sometimes pubs are called the Globe Tavern. Whereas this was the six guys drinking in a big ball. Yes. In a big sphere, a big gold sphere on top of a church. By the way, this- I hope you're enjoying yourself lads. I guess, I guess that's fun.

This version comes from Tales of Old Buckinghamshire by Jean Archer. And as she points out, perhaps he wished he had not imbibed so well when he came to use the only exit, which was a rather shaky ladder and what he thought of the prospect from that angle is a matter of conjecture. Okay. Very funny. So when you say that they were having orgies, cause I know that in the past, the word orgy had a broader meaning than perhaps it does now.

Now it's sort of narrowed down to sex orgies. Yes. That was just a drinking orgy. They weren't in the nude in the ball. I don't think that one was a sex party. I believe in the ruins of Mid Minim Abbey, the original meeting place of the Hellfire Club. They did do the other ones. Really? So not just your motorbike engine getting red? No, no. And they would dress as monks. Oh, yeah, that's sexy.

Yes, you've convinced me, James. And apparently one area of the park was said to form the shape of a naked woman. What an area of the park was? Yes, apparently so. How hard up were these guys? naked woman. What an area of the park was. Yes, apparently so. How hard up with these guys? Four. Boy, it's the bit with the two hills, I'm guessing.

Do you want to know some of the names of some of the other people that were part of this Hellfire Club slash Brotherhood of St. Francis of Wickham? I think I can probably guess most of them. Toby. Toby Jug. Toby Jug, yeah. Is that most of them. Toby. Toby Jug. Toby Jug. Yeah. Is that one of them?

No, but I did look up the history of the Toby Jug, Toby Jug recently, which does originate from around this time. And it is named after a guy called. A guy called Toby Jug. Is also known as a fill pot. Which is a surname, I suppose. Kind of a. It is because it was a guy called Henry Elwes who was famous for drinking 2000 gallons of

strong Stingo beer from his silver tankard. And he was nicknamed Toby Philpott. And that's who the original Toby jugs were based on. If you've never seen a Toby jug, I don't know how far they travel outside of places where people talk about pirates. They're sort of big tankards in the shape of a little ugly little guy. Yeah.

Often like just the head, but also a guy with your classic tricorn hat, yellow ASCO kind of fella. A stout yeoman kind of vibe. Which is the same sort of era that we're talking about here. So this guy, Bob Doddington, Lord Melcom. That's really good. That's better than Toby Jug. He was a short fat man of great wit who gave his fellows much mirth as he would chase the

nuns around the gardens. Is that quote marks around nuns? All right. Hilarious. Oh, veritable Ricky Gervais. There was the Earl of Sandwich, Charles Churchill. He was also a satirist. Don't believe he's related to Winston. He's got to be.

But probably, right? Of course, the notorious John Wilkes, the second most notorious John Wilkes, Frederick, Prince of Wales and William Hogarth, Billy Hogarth. Billy Hogs. Billy Hogs. Yeah. You know, the artist. The cartoonist and satirist. And yes, I went to his house the other day. Really? Was he all right? No, I wasn't invited.

Was he in? He wasn't in. I had to get in through a window. No, it's a museum. And I looked at many of his paintings and drawings of London street scenes, you know, Beer Street versus Gin Alley. And I looked at many of his paintings and drawings of London street scenes, you know, Beer Street versus Gin Alley. And Beer Street is all wholesome and everybody's having a great time and Gin Alley people having loads of fun throwing babies left and right. You've probably seen a bunch of the members of the Hellfire Club then because he drew a lot of them.

He drew Sir Francis Dashwood in the robes of a monk as a sort of a bit of a satire. I'm not sure I get the joke. There's a satirical engraving of Wilkes, which shows him with a demonic looking wig, crossed eyes and two copies of the North Britain. Oh, I think I might've seen that when I was there. Yeah. It's like he's got like a stick as well with a Liberty Bell on the top. I think it would be quite annoying knowing William Hogarth, a satirist. I don't think you

actually want to hang out with a satirist, do you? Like if you're just making a bad decision, you're having a really, really bad day and Hogarth's there just getting his sketch pad out. This is very, very, very, yeah, look, I'm very stressed. I'm a little overworked. I've had a bad day. Stop drawing what I'm doing stressed. I'm a little overworked. I've had a bad day. Stop drawing what I'm doing for one of your hilarious... Stop drawing me with the demon's wig on. Stop drawing me looking like with my wig all floppy. There was a portrait of Charles Churchill as a bear drinking a pint.

Charlie Church. Charlie Chucks. And a dog next to a dog looking very stern. I don't, I don't know what the joke is. Stop drawing my judgmental dog. William Hogarth. He drew a nicer paint picture of him, but it also is similarly had a dog in it. One of the fascinating, one of the fascinating things about his street

scenes, then this isn't really a funny observation. I think it was just interesting is, you know the way when, if the BBC do a historical drama now, everybody in the Daily Mail comments slash feature writers will be absolutely furious that there'll be like black people in the crowd scenes and stuff, and there'll be actors who aren't white playing roles in a historical drama. One of the noticeable things about his street scenes is there's just, there's quite a few black characters just sort of milling around and doing stuff in the background in a very sort of everyday way without being especially caricatured or drawn attention to by comparison with everybody else. Though to be fair, everyone looks dreadful.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's hard to say. It's hard to say, but it's interesting. Yeah. Lots of different people have been around in this country for a long, long time. It was quite a big city. Yes, it was the biggest in the world, in the Western world probably, with hindsight actually. Not too sure about how big cities were in China at that time. Probably quite large. There's another guy, Paul Whitehead, who is, he just sounds like a football manager.

League two struggling minnows managed by Paul Whitehead. At the end of the day, you just got to get all six of them into the, into the ball. And then once they're in the ball, yeah. So you take the pint, you move on. I'm revealing the fact that I never watched those post-match interviews. I can't think of a single cliche apart from that. That's good.

At the end of the day, those, those, yeah, there's a lot of sundowns in every footballers interview is forever full of ends of days. But no, this Paul Whitehead was not a league two football manager. He was a sat, another satirist and a friend of Sir Francis. Ah, I'm growing weary of all of this satire. It must've been so wry the whole time. Well, he had a shocking reputation, apparently, it's not elaborated on, but he was sort of the steward of the club.

He kept the accounts and made sure that the seller was well stocked. And he, when he died, he bequeathed his heart to the club and they kept it in an urn in this building that you can see, If you get the train, if you get the Chilton Line train, you can see this building and you can see the church with the golden orb above it. And then there's this sort of, I think it's a hexagonal shaped building, which is the family tombs. And in there was an urn with this guy's heart in until it was stolen in like 1818 or something. Oh, as part of like a student prank.

Maybe, maybe it was those animatronic people from earlier. I can't think what use an old drunkard's heart would be. I don't know. You're obviously not into obscene rights and black magic, are you? No, no, not particularly. Because it is said that at Medmanum Abbey, away from the prying eyes of the peeping Toms, who would be peeping through the fence to catch sight of some of these so-called monks cavorting. Oh yeah, the Toms, those are the guys who are in the wrong here.

Yes. Get out of here, you sick, you sick freaks. We're just trying to run around and have sex with nuns, quote unquote, nuns, and get turned on by the bushes and stuff. Stop watching. You're making me feel weird. Well, there was an inner temple where servants were not even allowed. And that is where it was thought that they did some of their satanic rituals. In fact, midman abbey became so notorious and so easily accessible to prying eyes that they moved to the hellfire caves themselves which are underneath that big hexagonal building i talked about built into the hill here excavated a a Chalk Quarry. And you can go visit now, it's a tourist attraction, the Hellfire Caves, which is supposedly haunted by Sir Francis himself,

and also Benjamin Franklin for no real reason apart from Benjamin Franklin's families from near there. Okay. He's just on loan as a ghost from another, from American ghost team. Just, it's, you know, he's ghost, you know, he's a tourist. He's coming around and checking out the sites, I guess. And in those caves, that is where the real, that's where the magic happened. Okay. Apparently. Because that is where one night they tried to invoke the devil.

Himself? The devil himself. Yes. Themselves? Themselves. I don't know why we insist on the non-binary devil on this podcast. I think, I think, I suppose, I don't know. The devil could be anything really, itself then.

The devil itself. And they did. They were doing one of their ceremonies one night. And at the height of the ceremony, a hairy creature with horns was suddenly burst, shrieking and chattering into the room. And it landed and it went on the shoulder of the Earl of Sandwich, who cringed and screamed in terror, Spare me me gracious devil, I am as yet but half a sinner, I have never been so wicked as I intended."

And then everyone else started laughing. Because. What? Because. What is it? What was it? The notorious John Wilkes had dressed up a baboon. I was sure it was going to be a goat.

I was sure it was going to be maybe a sheep or a goat. I would never have guessed baboon. Aren't baboons quite dangerous? That sounds like it actually is quite dangerous. Yeah, it's actually quite dangerous, John Wilkes. So, yeah, and that led to a lifelong bitter feud between the Earl of Sandwich and John Wilkes. But I think the Earl of Sandwich is quote, like his sort of his like, whatever

is cringing and screaming in terror. That's quite funny and quite like sort of knowing like he, but it says, spare me gracious devil. I am as yet but half a sinner. I have never been so wicked as I intended. That's got like the feel of a sort of a witty repost to it. Yeah. Like, Oh, let me have a go at being worse.

I've only been as bad as I tried to be. Yeah, it's a very suave, very suave thing to scream while a baboon is attacking you. Yes! Which you think is the devil itself. Apparently they had many arguments and plenty of bonmots. A bonmo? Sandwich apparently yelled at Wilkes, you will die either on the gallows or of the pox. And to which Wilkes replied, that must depend on whether I embrace your Lord Zip's principles

or your mistress. Oh, boom. Ouch. Ouchy. I mean, that's only would have been better nowadays by been whether I embrace your Lord Zip's principles or your mom. Yeah, that is better. What a burn.

What a pair of burns. Sir Francis Dashwood, probably in a bit of a bad move from the government, was appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer, which astonished most people, including himself. It was the government of Lord Bute, which is a notoriously bad government and he didn't last very long. Yeah. That was actually around when he decided to move his club to the caves because people were starting to hear too much about his bits and bobs.

And he died in 1781. Sir Francis Dashwood, yes, the boss. And yes, so the website for the Hellfire Caves says his ghost still walks the caves. Oh well, they wouldn't put that on the website if that weren't true. That would be illegal to say that there's a ghost in your tourist attraction if there definitely isn't a ghost there. And there's a link to, you can have a nighttime hiring of the caves and have a wander around at nighttime for 75 pounds a person. That's quite expensive. I was going to say we should do it, but I don't know.

Oh, is it, it's a minimum price. It's a minimum booking of like two grand or something. Oh no, we're definitely not doing that. No, but that's, I mean, that's as spooky as it gets. I'm afraid that was quite spooky James when that baboon went for that fellow. That was a bit, but that was just more health and safety. I just, they were absolutely nuts for drinking clubs. You can't go to an underground chalk caves in England without some aristocrat having got all his mates down there into a stinky hole for a drink. And I just, just drinking your house,

just get a box wine and put on Netflix. Well, Alistair, would you, I don't know if you'd be able to join this club. I know you basically, according to other wags at the time, Sir Horace Walpole, actually, friend of the show. Oh yeah. Was he a friend or was he a fiend? No, he's all right, Horace Walpole. He was the guy with the wooden rough, whatever it was, wooden of the show. Oh yeah. Was he a friend or was he a fiend? No, he's all right. Horace Walpole. He was the guy with the wooden roof, whatever it was, wooden neckerchief. Yes, that was it. He lived in Strawberry Hill House and pioneered Gothic writing.

He said that the nominal qualification for membership was not only having been to Italy, but also being drunk. Oh, I've never been to Italy or been drunk. Oh, well, not for you then. No, I'm not among the higher echelons of society. Would you dress a baboon up as a devil? I wouldn't. I would raise so many issues that the like the WhatsApp chat around that plan.

I would have been thumbs down and come. No, come on. This is, I don't think it's very funny. I don't know where we're getting the baboon from. Yeah. Where's the baboon going afterwards? Yeah. How long is it going to be funny for?

And at what point have you just bought a baboon? What does a baboon even eat? Have we got the baboons dinner planned for the event? Because the last thing we want is a hungry baboon. Has a baboon even been to Italy? I don't think the baboon was a member. Just for the night though, maybe. I suppose honorary.

Yeah. Just put a Super Mario mustache on it. Hogarth drew such a hilarious portrait of it, but making it look like an actual person. Makes you think, doesn't it? Yeah. Good one, Hogarth. Another one of actual person. Hmm. Makes you think doesn't it? Yeah. Good one, Hogarth. Another one of your hilarious jokes.

Makes you think. I do have a little spooky something from nearby, which is completely unrelated apart from geographically from Nap Hill. Would you like to hear a really quite spooky death warning? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So this is, this is now taken from a friend of the show, the law of the land,

Westwood and Simpson. Yes. So this was collected from a Nap Hill woman, DGA in 1910 and published in folklore. I don't know if that's the folklore like paper or a book called folklore from 1932. Anyway, the tale goes like this. Mrs. W then in her teens, some time ago, just before her mother died, say about 35 years ago, was walking along a high wood bottom and saw a little figure dressed in silk

and satin walking along the hedge. A little figure, about as big as a doll walked along till it came to her mother's gate and then disappeared. And Mrs. W heard the rustling of silk and satin and then the mother died. It was a death warning. Oh, I see. I see. Ooh, good. I'm glad I didn't try and make a joke about Woody Bottom or whatever the name of the place was. Woodhill Bottom. Woodhill Bottom. Was it? Let me check.

High Wood Bottom. High Wood Bottom. That's a part of a park that sounds a little bit saucy. That's a very spooky tale, James. I like every story that involves just a little creepy guy. Yeah, like the size of a doll. Yes. Yeah.

So shall we to the scores? Yes. I'm ready to judge you, James. I'm drawing a little satirical drawing of you. And your trousers are down and I've written the state of Britain's navies down one of your legs. And the legs got poo on it. And people are like, oh, they there's probably been an edict or something. And that's what this is about. Is there a flag coming out of my hat saying simply France? You know there is. And who's that? Is that Brit Is there a flag coming out of my hat saying simply France? You know there is.

And who's that? Is that Britannia weeping in the background at such a hideous site? Shameful. Oh no. Oh no. I'm glad that modern sort of media hasn't kept up that level of stuff. Imagine there was like an Instagram filter that turned you into what is wrong with the House of stuff. Imagine there was like a, like an Instagram filter that turned you into what is wrong with the house of Lords. Right then let's get some actual judgment.

What's your first category? Boom. Getting out of the way. Supernatural. Okay. I think you told me that a cave was haunted. Yeah. So that a website told me that a website that was trying to charge me 2000 pounds to have a look around at night. Yeah. And for £2,000 you want a couple of spooks. And I think Most Haunted have been there. I don't know if that counts in its favour or against. That counts in it, not in its favour.

I don't believe Most Haunted take their research that seriously. I am going to say it's a one. It's a one for one ghost and that one would cost you £2,000. Oh, but could it, would it be delivered to me by a baboon dressed as the devil? If you're lucky, if you're a very good boy, Baboon Santa. Your big baboon. Will come down the chimney and you're like, oh, but Baboon Santa, I've been half as good a boy as I intended to be. Okay, let's go for names. I have a couple of bonus names. Even the familiar names like

William Hogarth are pretty. That's pretty big. Bob Doddington. Sir Francis Dashfire. Dr. Benjamin Bates. Yeah, it's been a cold night. So you got to warm the old Abbey up. Just got to warm up the Abbey. Use the choke. I'll just, just got to scrape all frost off the pews. Paul Whitehead. The notorious John Wilkes.

This was, and this involves another famous name that's sort of a skance related. And I don't think I'll ever get a chance to tell this. I know we don't like to have a pop of the people that write these books, but you know, checkers, the place where British prime ministers, like their sort of holiday home thing. Yeah. It's like our version of Camp David, isn't it? They go there with dignitaries and stuff. Yes. In this book, Tales of Old Buckinghamshire by Jean Archer, she kind of goes through a bunch

of the prime ministers that have stayed there and she mentions Neville Chamberlain of the moustache and umbrella as if one, we need a reminder of who Neville Chamberlain is and two, the moustache and umbrella are the most famous things about Neville Chamberlain. Neville Chamberlain, umbrella guy, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Do you have a moustache? Yeah, moustache and umbrella are the most famous things about Neville Chamberlain. Neville Chamberlain, umbrella guy, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Do you have a moustache? Yeah, moustache and umbrella. I don't think I even knew he had a moustache.

No, or an umbrella. I mean, I assumed because most people had a moustache back then. Yeah, it was famously quite a rainy place, London. Yes, come on, names. And of course, the Hellfire Club. Yeah, great name, the Hellfire Club. Yeah, great name. The Hellfire Club. Which has probably erroneously led to a lot of people turning off this podcast after a minute or two when they realize it's nothing to do with the TV show, Stranger Things.

Or is it? Because in a way, aren't we stuck in the 80s with our cultural references? Yes, maybe. That's nice. Where we're going, we don't need up to date cultural references. That's very nice. Alastair. Yeah.

I was just doing that for you. I don't even really like it. I like it a lot. Never seen it. Never seen it. Of course I have. Of course I have. The heck in the world.

I thought about referencing them earlier and I, my natural way of referring to the trilogy was the Holy Trinity. It's like, yeah, it's like the trickricolour series, isn't it? It's a obscure art house trilogy. Yeah. The only really clever people like. I thought you meant the French textbooks from school. I thought you meant the pasta.

And I thought you meant that people had drawn willies all over him. Right, right. So come on. Oh, names five out of five. Yeah. Five out of five. Thank you very much. We had Huntingdonshire as a sidebar. It's a country, it's a county that doesn't exist anymore. Oh yes. The county that no longer exists. Great. Great. Then my third category is it was a different time. And then that's crossed out. Oh, well, technically it was a different time. And then that's crossed out. Oh, well, technically it was a different time. It was a different time. So you're off to a strong start in terms of factual accuracy.

But I don't know, like the guy getting made to chancellor of the exchequer, I can't, wasn't it a different time when unqualified people would be given these positions of power? Oh, wait a minute, James. You know how I feel about satire. Drawing a picture here. James. He's trying to say something about being the worst possible people leading nations. Is that what you're saying?

Just being given, yes, being promoted outside the areas of expertise, should we say? I suppose it could happen. Yes. So it was a different, it was a time, it was a different time when you could, a landscaper could make a park look like a naked lady and people didn't kick up a fuss about it. Yeah. Plus ça change, plus ça change as they say. It was the same of times, it was the different of times.

Yeah. It was, I mean, imagine there being a club that you could only join into. This isn't satire now. Where one of the requisites were having gone to Italy. That's different. That's a different way. Not really making it. It feels like I should be making a point there, but I'm actually not.

Yeah. I feel, I feel like I want to give you a high score, but I'm kind of angry about the satirical component of this one and the way you've crossed it out. So I think I'm going to give it maybe a five, but then cross that out a bit and just write in a three. Damn it. Okay. Well, this one's a lot more fun. It's a five, but I've written three on it. Is there a flag sticking out of that five?

So the five, yeah, there's a flag and the flag says, this is a three. And then in brackets, France. Trois. Okay. Final category then, a lot of balls. Oh yeah. Well, there was one big ball on top of the church. It sounds like it's as big as a dinosaur. I'm referencing another odd place that we've had people have a dinner party in. They're just absolutely kooky for having dinner parties and drinking parties in really

quite poorly aired locations. Very little ventilation in some of these places. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs, famous for lack of ventilation. Balls, caves, absolutely stunk in there. So it must have taken quite a lot of cojones, gumption, if you will, to stage these elaborate orgies and run around dressed as monks. Trying to presumably staple devil horns to a baboon's head.

That is, yeah. That takes moxie. It takes initiative. You've got to be a self-starter. Exactly. And what did you do during this gap in your CV? i stapled horns to a boon to prank a friend. Resulting in a lifelong and you're hired i recuperated from my boon. Hi it's boon wound recuperation well know. We'll let you know shortly. You've got to have them to do these things. Well, I think it's very high, but I think it's not quite a five because what I was lacking in terms of having a lot of balls is I would like some kind of slapstick come up and I

would like to see some nuns kicking some guys in the crotch. I would like some goonie style slapstick where they fall out of the ball and land on a pole that goes between their legs and their eyes cross. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember that bit. And kids fall about laughing because it's very funny for something like that to happen. No, I think, yeah, the closest thing that came to come up was someone's heart getting

stolen. Yeah. And that's disgusting more than it is hilarious. It's kind of a studenty prank, isn't it? But it's too much viscera really for it to be a lighthearted prank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to say it's a four. Okay then. All right then.

I'll take that four. Thank you very much. So yeah, not very spooky, definitely obscure and definitely weird. I'm not infringing the copyright of Stranger Things. That's what's important. Absolutely not. I don't know what it is in Stranger Things. I just, I've not watched Stranger Things. I've just seen it on the guy's t-shirt.

Yeah, it's a Dungeons and Dragons-y club. There isn't really time to go into it in an outro, but... If you want to be in our sort of hellfire club that it does not in any way reflect any of the values of that hellfire club, please join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. And it will cost you one baboon. Yes, you have to provide your own baboon. Yeah, it's BYOB. Ah, I have wares if you have gold.

So they're Khajiits from... Oh yeah. Oblivion and Skyrim. Welcome to Buckinghamshire. Oh no, mine's the guy from Resident Evil. Oh, I was being the cat sellers who are like, Khajiit has wares if you have coin. Oh no, I'm being it. Yeah. Who represent the vaguely non-specifically ethnic traders in the Elder Scrolls games.

Are there younger Scrolls as well, by the way? Folk, I forgot to remind you to come see us in Leicester and Alistair's gone now, so I'm going to have to do it all myself. But basically, we're doing Lawmen Live as part of the Leicester Comedy Festival on the 9th of February 2025. At 2.30pm at the big difference and tickets are on sale on the internet. We'll put a link in the blurby bit, you know, the little righty bit underneath when you click play on the thing. There's a bit of writing.

In there will be a link to take you to the place to buy your ticket to come see The Lawman Live so that you can do that if you want. Thank you very much. It's GMT. Alright? The meanest time.