Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep13 - Albina or the Origin of Giants with Tales of Britain and Ireland

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Did you ever wonder where those great big giants all over Britain came from? Well, wonder no more because it is prequel time! This is the origin story of Albion itself, starring princess Albina and Gogmagog the giant. This thrilling entry in the British Cinematic Universe is told to the Loreboys by Graeme Cooke of Tales of Britain and Ireland Podcast. This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor Join the LoreFolk at patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakespeare. And I'm Alistair Beckett King. Boy, oh boy, Alistair, have we got a guest on our show today. Have we? Yes, exactly that. Otherwise, this would be a very bad introduction. Weird to say that if we didn't.

We've got Graham, the host of the podcast Tales of Britain and Ireland, and he's going to tell us all about Albina, or the origin of giants. Pretty bloodthirsty. In a good way. Psst, Alastair. Is that you there, James? It is me. Hello. Oh, sorry, we should be whispering, shouldn't we? Yes, that's why I'm James, my whisper voice. James, It is me. Hello. Oh, sorry, we should be whispering, shouldn't we? Yes. That's why I'm James, my whisper voice.

James, you're whispering. That can only mean one thing. Yes. I've been at a heavy metal gig. No, it means the other thing. Sorry, do you whisper when you're at a heavy metal gig, James? Oh, yeah, because I don't want to wake up the metal. I don't want to disturb the concert goers with my talking while they're

trying to enjoy the heavy metal. For those about to rock. Have a great time, enjoy yourselves lads. Anyway, no Alistair, I was doing the special. We've got a guest deputy law person whisper. The other whisper. Oh, the other whisper. Yes, not the at a rock concert whisper. Yes. Who is it, James? Alistair, is Graham from Tales of Britain and Ireland podcast? Hello, Graham Cook from the Tales of Britain and Ireland podcast. Graham Cook.

Hello, James. Hello, Alistair. Hello, Graham. How are you? I nearly said hello, Alistair, again. I became confused. Hello, James, actually. No, I don't feel like I got a good enough hello, so I'm happy to take it.

Hello, actually. And let's, shall we extend this hello to Graham? Hello, Graham. Let's include Graham in the hello. It's a blanket hello. Do I have to say hello multiple times? Hello. Hello.

Hello. Just do a few and we'll pick the best one in the edit. Oh, fantastic. Just, just give us delight. Do you find, just on a social thing, do you find yourself, do you give individual hellos? Or do you, I sometimes feel like under hello by one, like reverse spoonfuls of tea. I think I tend to do that thing where you give multiple hellos but not directional. So you just sort of walk in and go, hello, hello, hello. And hope the right people catch

the right hellos. Graham, I think you might be a police officer. I think I think that's what's happening there. Do you follow it up with what's going on here then? He's an undercover cop. Alistair, we've we've we've done it again. Watch out, James. Don't say anything incriminating. I hope you weren't offering any illicit substances at that heavy metal gig

with your whispering sales pitch, James. Had you asked some sherbet dib dabs. But Graham, thank you very much for joining us. Absolute pleasure. Graham, you are, of course, the host of the Tales of Britain and Ireland podcast, where you remember events that happened all over Britain and Ireland. I was listening to some of your wonderful episodes recently. A recent one I would like to point

the listeners towards is, to be honest, a much better telling, no offence Alistair, of Croglin Grange. Oh, I do like Croglin Grange. How dare you, though that's probably fair, James. The vampire of Croglin Grange? Yes. The very same. Oh, well, I'll take that, but I haven't listened to yours, so I can't judge.

We need some kind of Kroglin Grange off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Krogloff. That sounds good. Two fake vampires enter the ring and then neither leave. It isn't a real vampire. But they're invited into the ring. They have to be. That's a real important part of the story, I'm guessing. Anyway, once again, I've derailed myself in trying to bring you into talk to us what you

are here to talk to us about. Okay. I want to talk to you about one of my absolute favourite stories. Story about the very origin of life on these here islands. And it's called the Albina story. Yes, I know it doesn't give away much does it? It is also sometimes called On the Origin of Giants, which gives away quite a lot. That's got a real second title of a leather bound book feel to it.

It does, doesn't it? I can see a little Albina or On on the origin of giants in a smaller font. It feels like people haven't bought it just off the albina name, but then oh giants though. That's interesting. I'll pick myself up some of that because that's yeah. Where are we? I should start off telling the story. Should I start off telling the story guys? I like the way you started off with a little frightened noise as if you had seen a giant. That's drawing me into the narrative. The little frightened noise was just my social confusion about whether I should continue with the story or wait for more responses.

It's okay. It's all right. Most of the people who listen to this podcast are sporty jocks. So they're probably not going to relate to any stuff that we say about social awkwardness or anything like that. I have the same problem, same problem with my podcast. Yeah. Tracks a lot of meatheads, doesn't it?

Folklore. Oh, big time. Don't worry. They won't, they won't understand most of what I'm saying. They just like the noises. Right. I'm going to start off this story then. And I'm going to start off with this story by saying that it's a story that

inspires some patriotism in the history of the sceptre island me. And I'm not really a very patriotic sort. Yeah. Intriguing. See, got the giants, got the intrigue. And it's also a prequel, a prequel to a story by Jeffrey of Monmouth. Jeffrey of Monmouth. Jezza of Monmouth.

Jezza of Mozzers. Little lying Jezza of Mozzers. Little lying Jezza of Mozzers. Is that what we're calling it now? I think that's what, I think that's what most scholars call him. All right. Okay. Yeah. The lying Jeffrey of Mozzers wrote a story and then some people wrote a prequel to it

about 150 years later, cause they liked it so much, but it's, it's a good prequel. This better not be trade disputes. I knew that's where you were going to go, James. I think it was as well. Sorry. No, no, absolutely. We're not doing a yellow text on a scrolling stars background at this point. Okay.

Were people hugely disappointed, frankly, disproportionately in my opinion with this prequel. No, I think they liked it. It's a good prequel. It's not a... It's a dark crystal prequel rather than a Star Wars prequel, I would say. Okay, so no opportunity for us to do Jar Jar Binks' voice at any point then in this episode. I feel that I don't have the power to stop you. I don't think there's any Jar Jar Binks

like characters in this, but I'm desperately racking my brains to take them out. Only George Lucas had done that. Topical. Keep it topical, guys. Hey, for the record, I like Jar Jar Binks. Go, tell the story, Graham. Right, so before I get into it, I like a big Rambly prologue as well. So the story that this is a prequel to is the story of Brutus. It's Geoffrey Monmouth's story about Brutus, who's not the Brutus that everyone knows. It's a different Brutus.

Have you done Brutus at all? Are you telling me there's two Brutae? Like, at two. Did you see where I'm... There's a pun. Oh my god. I'm sorry, Graham. I'm afraid we have to end this and all podcasts there with that one.

I'll get on the podcast board and let them know it's done. It's been done. That was lovely stuff. I can think of two other, two main two Brutuses is obviously, yeah, you're at two Brutus, but then also because as I previously established, I have a knowledge of 1980s WWF, there was Brutus the barber beefcake. Oh, I don't know anything about Brutus. Is that barber as in hairdresser or as in beard?

I guess it's the same word, isn't it? Is it like barber rossa, barber beefcake, a beard of beefcakes? That's a very good point. I just don't know anything about wrestling. He was, he was Brutus. Oh, okay. So he's Brutus the Barber Beefcake. So I guess his given name is Brutus Beefcake.

So he's okay. Mr. Beefcake is my father. Call me Brutus the Barber Beefcake. Weirdly, Barber is the least threatening part of his name. Brutus beefcake terrifying. The barber. So just, you know, I mean, I'm afraid of barbers, but most people aren't. What he would do, he would, if he won the match, he would, he would humiliate his

opponent with a partial haircut. I think, yeah, he was in a couple of, you know, he's in a couple of tag teams and whatnot, but we don't need to get into that. Right. But it wasn't, believe it or not, it wasn't Brutus the beefcake either. So I was, I know it was another Brutus in Jeffrey's story, which isn't the story I'm telling now. Very importantly, we're still just on the bit before I start telling my story. So this Brutus was, he came from Troy, he was the very first in Helventon to Britain, and when he arrived here on a boat with lots of Trojans, the land was full of giants, led

by, and I already mentioned this for the names category to be honest, because it isn't really relevant to the story, but there was a load of giants led by Gog Magog. Oh, yes. Gog Magog, who lived here before. Friend of the podcast, Gog Magog. Oh, I didn't know you were acquainted. I think we've touched on Gog Magog when talking about the giants of London, but not the ancient mythology of Gog Magog, but Gog Magog as sort of symbols of the city of London, I think. And also, I think there's Hill figures, they think it might be Gog Magog, who is, to my

mind, the original James Bond. The name's Gog Magog. Sometimes it's two giants though, Gog and Magog, isn't it? Yes. Yes, also that. I don't know if that's true of James Bond as well. Gog Magog, right, where we were. Gog Magog. Who, by the way, he gets a sequel where he's undead and resurrected, but that's true of James Bond as well. Gogmogog, right. Where were we? Gogmogog.

Who, by the way, he gets a sequel where he's undead and resurrected, but that's also not the story. Anyway, Gogmogog. So, Gogmogog is here with loads of giants and Brutus brings his own giant with him, who he's got from Africa, and they fight and Gogmogog gets killed and then Brutus takes over Britain and rules it. And everything goes wonderfully. Nobody ever kills over Britain and rules it and everything goes wonderfully and nobody ever kills anyone ever after there again and everything's lovely.

Nice work Brutus. Oh that's why it's so nice to live in Britain today. Exactly. That's it. Yes. So Brutus does that. That's his story and it was so popular that someone thought I'll do a prequel. In fact lots of people did a prequel.

Mostly what they said was where did all those giants come from? Somebody thought, we've got to solve this conundrum. Now, I'm hoping it's like the old school type of prequel. It's not going to spend the whole film isn't just going to be in England with zero giants. And then like the last two minutes is like, there's a tall guy over there. End credits. It better not be that. Um, I can't, I can't promise you it's not going to be that to be honest. I mean, my next line is it starts in Syria.

But this, the Exorcist starts in Iraq, I think. And you're like, oh, I thought this was set in America. This is quite cool. Quite interesting. To be fair, the exorcist doesn't then take up about 50 minutes each runtime. Still, still there, but whatever. That'll be pretty cool. I'd like to see more. I'd like that little bit.

There was an exorcist prequel though, wasn't there? They did do one. What, just the girl before she was possessed? Yeah, just the girl. Just a normal child. Just a baby. Just a baby who's fine. It's mostly Ellen, what's her name, going in the loft for something else and not finding flaming candles or whatever it is she finds up there.

Just like jump scares without jump scares the whole film. Yeah, it's all cats. All cat scares. Actual cats. So, the story starts in Syria. I should say, by the way, there are versions of the story that are set in Greece. When I posted something about this on TikTok, somebody said, it starts in Greece. Angry emoji, because that's what they do on TikTok. So I just wanted to clear that up. Yeah, haters.

My version's in Syria. Other versions are available available and some people feel passionately about this 800 year old medieval legend. Yeah, it's very important you get this thing that didn't happen right, Graham. It is. Well, it might happen. People will kick off. They will. They've got opinions. Anyway, my version is set in Syria. And we start with the Emperor of Syria, Diocletian, who is a great and noble emperor and he's conquered everywhere else there is to conquer which is basically at this time just the places around Syria

and everywhere else is a sort of barren wasteland. An emperor Diocletian has 33 daughters. The eldest of the daughters is called Albina and the others who are basically our main characters don't get names at all. I sometimes wonder whether they're called something like Be-O-Bina and C-O-Bina. And then, like, after 26, it goes like, Ah-O-Bina, an Excel spreadsheet kind of thing. But they don't get names, so... ALISTAIR We're rugby players who listen to this podcast,

are not going to get a reference to the lower rows in Excel, but I enjoyed it. So all of these daughters, all these daughters, they are sisters. That's very important. Story is very keen to tell us they're sisters with one mother. And they also- Wow. Wow. But wait, wait, just wait. Just if you think that's impressive, they all come of age, to use a sort of archaic phrase, at about the same time. Okay. So the mother doesn't appear in this podcast, in this story even. Well, she's probably tired.

Well, that's it. I think she had a very busy couple of years and then that was it. 30 daughters all starting school in the same week. Very stressful. Oh yeah. I'm like, 30 daughters all doing well book day. That's enough to finish anyone off isn't it? So yeah, there are other explanations but draw your own conclusions. And at the stories open,

they've all come of age, which means they've got to an acceptable, marriageable age. And the emperor Diocletian is being a great emperor but a terrible dad because he's having a great big party where he's invited 33 of his rich mates, the sub-kings of the empire, and he's going to marry each one of these guys off to one of his daughters. Now when you say sub-kings, I've got no follow up to that question. I mean there's ways we could go isn't there. Just leave it to people's imagination. Sandwich, sandwich kings. Yes, yes, good choice.

Have some really revolting sandwiches on very sweet bread, kids. Yeah, absolutely. They were the sandwich making kings of the Empire. 33 royal hoagies. The emperor is marrying them all off to his daughters and he doesn't take a lot of time to make sure that they're compatible. Doesn't really emphasize that. Doesn't think, you know, do these two really go together? And when I sort of tell this story, when I think about it, I think, well, these are guys

who are a probably pretty horrible to begin with. Kings, sandwich makers, a bit greasy, a bit violent maybe, power corrupts, all of that. But they're also, of that set of people, they're the ones who couldn't find wives themselves and had to be given them by the emperor. So we've got a pretty low tier kind of guys here, to be honest. And the princesses have no choice and they have to go and live with them, they're sent to the far corners of the empire and they weren't very happy about this. And I'm going to quote from the medieval chronicler here on this one.

Albina became so stout and so stern that she told little praise of her lord, that's her husband, and of him had scorn and disdain and would not do his will, but would have her own will in diverse madness. Disgraceful. Disgraceful. Yeah, that's some real gossip there, some hot goss. The shocked chroniclers basically like, oh, women forced into marriage and they're hating their husbands. Awful women. Ugh into marriage and they're hating their husbands.

Awful women. Ugh, why are they like this? Wow. This tale is pretty, well, it's pretty anti-women. It's written in a way that's meant to be like, oh, everything they do. But as we go through the story, everything that they do is great. And the Medieval Chronicles just have written this really cool story about how these women are absolutely great, but they're trying to make it seem like they're terrible and it's strange.

So, where is he? So, she hates her husband. Albina hates her husband and she is not going to acquiesce to all his little meet good wife stuff that he wants her to do. So she fights back against him. She gives him some back chat. She weaponises her incompetence around the housework and do the dishes or whatever. She just starts talking smack to him about to all the servants and all the other women. And this really ticks off her husband. It's pretty annoyed at her. And so he, he, this violent king, he writes a strongly worded letter to the emperor complaining about the daughter. You know, that's, that's what real men do. Right. I hope he starts here. Why? Oh, why? Oh, why? So he's there. So the husband writes a letter and they didn't have writing implements back in the

day, but he gets his chisel and his tablet. He chooses it onto a servant. I don't know why that's what I visualized, but I assumed onto a servant, not onto a servant's back. No. Onto a tablet, like a stone tablet. No, I don't know why I was imagining it. I was imagining him writing onto a servant and then you said they don't have writing implements. I was like, they chiseled it into the servant. But you didn't say that. Maybe he put the tablet on the back of the servant, you know, and just did that. That seems like one of those comedy phone holders that you get nowadays. But, but this is what they're actually based on.

Like a little sort of model of like a little person holding your phone. Oh yeah. Yeah. In those days, it was an actual person and an actual tablet. Yeah. Basically exactly like that. We're not so different them and us. And he's writing a customer complaint letter on it. And I think people phone up customer complaints. It's. Yeah. Basically, exactly like that. We're not so different, them and us. And he's writing a customer complaint letter on it.

And I think people phone up customer complaints. It's, yeah, this is the very little has changed. It's a very passive, aggressive tweet. And this is a sort of quite aggressive letter. It's pretty like, I received a wife from you, but when I got it home, I noticed I had streaks of independence running all the way through it. I want a refund or an exchange. And if I don't get it, then I'm going to write another strongly worded letter and possibly

rebel. One star. And then goes, goes to the postbox and posts the tablet through it and it falls down and cracks. Oh, why do we even have post boxes? And he goes and writes another one out, hands it off to a horseman who goes and delivers it to the empress, I suppose. As this is all happening in the houses of all the other daughters, the same scene was happening. And so the emperor

Diocletian receives 33 complaint letters from his various vassals at about the same time. He's getting review bombed. He is. Oh no. It's not a good look for him. Oh no. This is like what happens if you criticise Michael Jackson on social media. I have no experience of that.

Well, don't criticise Michael Jackson on social media unless you want to find out whether his fans are well balanced and cool or not. Maintaining a sensible silence at this point, I think. No, I appreciate you not commenting. That is the sensible thing to do. So yes, so the Emperor Daikles received the first of his complaint letters and I imagine that sort of tipped out over his breakfast table and they're all stone tablets so they crush his table and he is annoyed. And maybe he just thinks to himself for a moment, did I make a horrible

mistake forcibly marrying my daughters to awful men who have nothing in common with them? And then he does that, you know, skinner meme and he's like, no, it's the children who are wrong. So he has a big meeting and he brings them all to the palace and commands them all to come back, the daughters and their husbands, gets them together and then he does some shouting at his daughters, telling them to obey their husband. He's given up on getting a number one dad mug for his birthday.

He's really annoyed at them all and it's a pretty dark time, pretty dark, to be honest, not going to lie. But there's a silver cloud, because the princesses are here in their childhood home. And after the emperor's lecture, they all sneak off to Albina's room and they can be united together. He's doing pretty well if each girl has her own room. Oh yeah, they all have their own rooms. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, they are princesses after all. Yeah, fair enough. They're doing alright. And they all fit into hers, all 33 of them. And she's got a plan. She sort of stands up and gives them some rousing speech along the lines. They expect us to go back and live with these horrible men. But this is our palace. We are together.

We have a chance to do something different. We'll show them what we think of them. We know where the kitchens are in this place. We know where the knives are kept. Our husbands will come to bed tonight expecting us to come to them all meek and mild. Why don't we wait until they go to sleep and slit their throats? Liberty or death? Yes!

Waves a knife in the air or something. And then there's like probably an awkward pause. Looking around just comes out with this and everyone's like, oh, maybe like, oh, well, it was just a suggestion, you know. Usually in films the microphone does that one feedback thing and she shuffles her notes. But then usually one person starts doing a slow clap and you don't get no is it a good clap is this the good clap or is it a bad clap until everyone's like actually we all agree but we paused

for dramatic reasons. That is exactly it. You've got the vibe got the language of the film there and they all start clapping and then yeah let's go murder our husbands guys so they go off to the kitchens and they get some knives and that night the sub kings are pleased to find that their wives are transformed, pliant and meek and all that stuff they wanted and they drift off to sleep pleased that everything has been fixed just by being mean to them. And not one of those men wakes up ever again. Well, except it may be like, ah, my throat's cut and blood's going everywhere and that sort of way, but not for long.

Every one of the princesses cuts her husband's throat and he dies. So it's a happy ending. Well, yeah, it is a happy ending. Absolutely. It's a happy ending. Yeah, that's what I mean. This is meant to be bad. This is going to be terrible.

They killed them mean abusive husbands. Anyway, they hadn't fought of getting away plan, by the way, they just that wasn't part of this. This was a sort of like, you know, well, we would rather we would rather be free, be free and die than we would to live under the yoke of tyranny sort of thing going on here. So they just sit waiting to be discovered in their gore filled murder rooms wearing their viscera spattered gring.

Yeah, they've done it. Proper old school feminism stuff. Not necessarily means killing men, of course. Obviously, that's a gross mischaracterisation, but sometimes a little bit of killing men probably doesn't hurt. Yes. Killing men can be a part of a balanced feminism. As an expert on feminism, that's my opinion. So yes, they've done it and much cheers all around, but they get discovered. And then

a load of boring legal stuff happens because the emperor, I know it's surprising, they're just legal shenanigans because the emperor's all like, just kill my daughters, sick of them, get rid of them. But he's got viziers and they're whispering into his ear about optics. Doesn't look good. They are still royalty. Obviously they did murder all these men. So what do we do? So eventually they reach a sort of compromise a bit like that when Bart Simpson's waving his arms up and down and then walking towards you going, if I hit you, it's not my fault. Like a sort of plausible deniability thing going on here because they don't kill the daughters.

All they do is they get the princesses, they put them on a boat with no oars and a little amount of food, and then they send them into quote unquote exile by pushing the ship out into the Mediterranean. Not looking good. No, it's not looking good. Is it guys? Not looking good. No, it's not looking good as a guys. It's not looking good. And, and probably everyone expects that they're going to perish. But one night there's a terrible storm, rain lashes and wind beats down and there's all storm stuff, lightning and thunder and all those good stormy

words. And all lives are surely going to be lost but somehow for reasons that are never adequately explained by the story the boat doesn't sink and it goes on so long that eventually the daughters who are also so hungry because of their near starvation they pass out and when they wake up the sky is clear and the sea is calm looking up. And then they realize that the sea is really calm. And so I think it's actually suspiciously calm. And one of them looks over the edge of the boat and they're not on the sea anymore. They're on a nice sandy beach.

They've been washed ashore. They've been washed ashore. Exactly. And this is great because now there's this huge montage bit of the story basically that goes on quite a lot in some tellings of them just getting out and discovering this island and just having the best of time because this island is free of human habitation and it is a veritable paradise possibly related to it being free of human habitation and it is a veritable paradise possibly related to it being free of human habitation. Mason Harkness Is this like the start of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves where they go on a journey that geographically will be extremely circuitous,

but the American audience doesn't realise that, for instance, the Hadrian's Wall is not between Dover and Nottingham. I think that's very likely. Yes. I think they're certainly getting around. They're exploring this whole island as yet to be named this whole unnamed uninhabited island. It's not Naboo though. Is it just going back to the Phantom Menace? I'm concerned that they've sunk below. Are they about to meet Brian Blessed? You haven't mentioned any pod racers. Yeah.

I can't wait to find out what pod racing is. I'm not going to reveal yet, whether it is, or indeed is not in the boo. I think you'll just have to wait for that. You are being like a streaming service prequel where you just hold it out on us. Keeping people watching. I think there's going to be a flashback bit the second bit before the end. Oh yeah. Whole flashback episode.

Just making us wait. Oh no, you've not got my pod. That's, that's exactly the sort of thing I do all the time. I just insert random bits at random times to keep people guessing, keep them on their toes. But no, not here. So sorry about that. I can go and write one in if you want.

Where's this? So they are in this lovely island and they don't starve. It's got nuts and fruits and the rivers are filled with fishes and there's wild animals to hunt. And the animal, well, I say hunt, the animals are sort of trusting because they've never seen humans before and then they rapidly discover what happens if you meet some humans and the women slaughter all of them and they eat very well.

And now they're just living their fantastic exile life really. They're better fed than they'd ever been before. They're far away from the society where all the men caused them grief. One manuscript puts it that they were well reinvigorated, so much so that they became big and fat, which sounds like they were having a really good time, to be honest. And they're like, they're sort of feminist anarcho cottage corps commune-flourished. But as the days passed, they found they were missing just one thing from life. We discussed a bit about the family-friendly nature of this show before I came on. Ah, yes.

The princesses certainly, well, they began to desire a bit of the old, you know what, eyebrows raising up and down rapidly. They wanted to be taken up to see some etchings, if you know what eyebrows raising up and down rapidly. They, they wanted to be taken up to see some actions. If you know what I mean. Yeah. A bit of how's your father, the emperor. Yeah. I think you've got my, my meaning here. They, they, they hated their husbands, but they did miss the general company of.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And you might think, well, sad, but what can be done about that? You'll never guess what. And this was a twist. And when I first read this story, genuinely, I did not see that coming. Because it turns out that the forests of this verdant paradise also happen to be filled with demons. Oh!

Which sounds bad. Yeah. But these aren't these aren't just any demons. These are incubi specifically and incubi incubuses, incubi incubuses are very friendly demons. Yes. They they specialize in friendship. Yes. Right. And the sisters wanted friends. And so did the incubi who'd been all alone. And he was just perfect. The thing with incubuses is you wait for one for ages. I don't feel it's necessary for me to finish my joke. I feel like people can do the punchline themselves. And it's absolutely true as well because there were just loads of them. They flocked out of the woods like insects, apparently. Sexy insects. Swarm. A horrible swarm of sex

insects. This is great. The women must have been thrilled. Oh, they were. They were. Because these incubuses were ready to fulfill every possible combination of friendships that these sisters could ever desire. And they had those big long red tongue things and everything. They were perfect. And they treated the women far more respectfully than any man that they'd ever met had. They asked for consent and the consent was given enthusiastically to lots and lots of friendship. And yeah, that's basically what happens to the women. And this is the bit of the story where I think things should be starting to go wrong for them.

Is this, is the idea that when we, the medieval readership, are reading this, we're supposed to be like, shame. That's exactly it. Are we supposed to be disapproving? Or are we all pretending that we're supposed to be disapproving of it but we're actually all going, yeah, good. I don't know. I mean, I think from what I've read of this story, scholars do seem to think that this

is meant to be terrible but they don't even show it like, oh, the women are being forced. No, no, they are very much enthusiastic and sentient and that's maybe a bad thing. Oh, leave. You've left your husbands and set up a society on your own and now you've got some friendly demons with you to have friendship with you multiple times a day. Oh, awful. It does seem like quite a lot of folklore writing. It's like, and then they were dancing around naked and doing stuff. Oh, awful. Get some etchings in for my book of this thing that I disapprove of. Is that, is that a bad thing? Is it? I'm just going to keep describing it just so I can

really work out if it is a bad thing. Yeah. Maybe get a picture of it and put it on the cover. Just to get people who think it's a bad thing to read this book. I'm a little concerned for the in lawmen universe because of Sam the sand down clown, who basically involves me doing a very silly voice to say friendly. Oh yeah. And that's taken a whole real other element now with this tale that I think is broken Sam the sand town clown for us, for everyone.

Yeah. I think you can probably get too friendly with Sam the Sandtown Clown. Maybe just do the same voice for the Incubuses and we'll be fine. The women grew fat and happy and friendship to the hilt and everything was good. Even though, it has to be said, it did rain a lot on this little island. I'm telling you, I think I know where we are. Even on the south coast that they'd arrived on. And eventually, because it was unnamed, they named it after the elder sister who'd encouraged them to do the murdering.

She was called Albina. And so the land was named Albion, as it still is to this day. Sometimes. What? Yeah! Dun dun dun! Whoa! This land is our land. No way!

Yeah, I know! What a twist! I may have slightly spoiled it, but I wouldn't have roped you in. It's tricky of prequels, isn't it? But that's the thing, we't know who was going to survive to the end because none of the characters are ones from the, from the later story. So does Britain take his name from the Brit from the brute, brute, Bruton, Brutus, Brutus the barber. Beefcake.

Beefcake. That's where Britain gets his name from. Hmm. That's it. For some reason. And Cornwall's named after his giant pet friend. A wall? Cornwall.

He was friends with a wall? He was friends with some corn, James. Oh, I'm so silly. Is it his stone in London? Is it the Brutus Stone in London? And yes, it is the Brutus Stone in London. Yes, it is. Yes.

I've always assumed, and I don't think I've ever checked this, that the Albe of Albion means white, like Alba, like the Cliffs of Dover. Well, you might have thought that, but clearly you're wrong. That might also not be true. That's just what I thought it was. But clearly it comes from someone called Albina. Yeah, absolutely. I've just told you that. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. So they have done a proper prequel because basically I'm guessing the giants are the kids. Yeah.

I don't want to spoil spoilers. It's okay. No, it's okay. You can spoil it because it's like- James, did you just do a flash forward? You can't do a flash forward at this point in the story. This is like me watching Midsommarers though, trying to guess who did it. But occasionally you get it right. It's exactly the same thing. Oh, I got it right. Yes, so, it's our island.

It's our island! It's our island. It's our island. It was Earth all along! Specifically Britain. You maniacs! You had sex with trees! Or something. I wasn't paying enough attention. Who's earth all along? Specifically Britain. You maniacs! You had sex with trees or something.

I wasn't paying enough attention. With buses? I think it was buses. You copped off in a bus or something. That's it. That's absolutely it. And this is where I find the pride, the patriotism in this story, because back then, if you imagine it, this land was an unambiguously good place. Just a load of women and their demon friends living their best

lives. And even though it's not like that now, maybe it's a blueprint of how things could be again. And that's the end. I want that to be the end and just say they lived happily ever after. But it's not quite the end, I want that to be the end and just say they lived happily ever after. It's not quite the end though. Nothing bad happens because there is the giants. And as you predicted at the start, it just gets kind of tagged on here. And as you predicted, James, the women did have these half demon babies. Yeah.

We're gigantic things. Now they weren't, they weren't mean though, even though they were horrible misshapen monsters, because they love their mothers very much. Wait, wait, wait. Are you implying a little bit too much? I am implying. Well, I wouldn't want to judge the sisters in this unusual circumstance they found them in, but there was certainly a lot of demon love going around.

And then there were quarter Demon babies. Yeah, we don't want to bink, Shane. So glad we brought podcasts back again. It's getting harder and harder to sing this to the theme tune of Muppet Babies. I can manage up to quarter Demon babies that are their own uncles, I think? At least their own uncles, I think we can say. Yeah. It either makes card shops out of business, or really in business. It's one card for everyone. Or you need a lot of very, very small, incrementally different ones.

Good family times anyway. I wonder what medieval card shops were like. It's really all like, oh, Medioclock. 40 years old, you're nearly dead. But it's not a joke, it's just factual. I'm sorry you got played. Yes. So that's it. So the princesses, they live lives happily with their demons and their other demon children and they just die of natural causes. It's an unconventional family structure. It is and it's pretty happy until eventually indeed the creatures were the only inhabitants

left and for centuries this land belonged to them. The medieval chroniclers are keen to say that if you doubt the truth of this story, if you go digging on the coast sometime, you can find the bones of gigantic creatures. And this is actually true. They actually use this argument in the manuscripts, say that these huge bones, well, have you got any better ideas than incest-born giant demon spawns? Nope, probably not. So that's where all those bones come from. I don't think kids would have been as into it as they are into dinosaurs. I don't know. You could get some pretty cool figures.

It's the figures that really matter as a person who has several hundred dinosaur figures. I don't know. As long as you can make them varied enough. It's the variation. And they were pretty weird and inbred. So I think they could have given them a run for the money. So that's where all the bones come from. And then. There's a Rasputina song. I'm sure I have brought up Rasputina on the podcast before, but there's a Rasputina song called Holocaust of Giants, which is about that idea that the

set in America on this occasion, but the dinosaur bones they were digging up belonged to the Nephilim, is it Graham? The pre-biblical race of giants. It's got a fun line where it says that they slaughtered one another in a meaningless war. Thank you lucky stars that we don't do that anymore. A little bit of social commentary from you somewhere. Nice work. Yes. Always.

Since the start of time. So that is it. Brutus turns up hundreds of years later and it's Albina and her sister's great-great-grandchild who's fighting. And it's a simple medieval tale to make you proud of Albion in the distant past. Justified murder princesses, women helping each other out and an island full of friendship demons. So let's do the scores. What's your first category? Now, I'm going to be your lawyer.

Just to be clear, that's the pun that's never worked at any point in the entire podcast. No, no, no. Yeah. I'm not drunk. You might have just thought, oh, that didn't work. It's not the first time. Yeah. They'll change that, right?

They're going to work out the kinks of this? No. No. Those kinks of this? No. No. Those kinks have ossified. They've petrified and turned to stone. Hit him with the supernatural first, I reckon. What is your first category, Graham?

Supernatural. You said that with some hesitancy, but I don't know why, because this is a highly supernatural story. No, the hesitancy was about how I played the categories in which order. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Okay, I didn't realise that the game was on to this extent. Right.

I was trying to see whether I was being sort of played there. It was best to go supernatural, pick one of the others, but no, supernatural. Let's go for it. Start strong. It's got to be high, because you've got demons in the woods. Ink your buses, ink your daddies, ink your sons, ink your lovers. We've got giants. We got double giants who are half giant, half not giant.

That's not necessarily a double giant. Sort of. I think the giants are sort of half, they're very, it's all very supernatural. It's not necessarily a double giant. Sort of. I think the giants are sort of half... It's all very supernatural. It's not natural. It's not, you know, more run of the mill things, is it? No, no. They survived a storm as well. The providence of the storm, yeah, and the sort of the enchanted paradise seems suspicious. How did they get a boat from...

The Mediterranean. Out of the Mediterranean without even really realizing. So what we go, it's got to be five out of five. Thank you. It's a five out of five for supernatural. Yes. I don't think any of this happened. What? But where else do you think the bones come from? I'm like, yeah, I forgot about the bones. Albion. The evidence is all there. Just open your mind. Sorry, I should have done my own research. there. Just open your mind.

Sorry, I should have done my own research. Now second, I think we go for naming. Okay. And then we run into the specials. What's your second category? Names. Names. Okay. Well, you cleverly put a name right at the center of this story.

Albina. Hmm. The definitely the etymology of Albion, which I did check, put my mind off into a little time definitely comes from the word that means white. It definitely comes from a Latin word, Albus. So in this story, it comes from the name Albina. And Brutus Britain as well. That's just a little bonus, a bit of extra etymology.

Yes. And Brutus, the barber well. That's just a little bonus, a bit of extra etymology. Yes. And Brutus, the Barber Beefcake, a very good name. Almost too many names really. I mean, we haven't mentioned Gog McGog yet. So I feel that I don't want to like, Gog McGog. If you say Gog, they gogged him twice. And what other names did we, we didn't have a name for any of the other sisters. We don't know the emperor's name, do we?

Diocletian, Diocletian. I mean, it's all right. It's all right. Well, I'm not going to go all in on that. It is about Gog Magog for me. I will be honest. But Albina, now you know the origin of Albion. Yeah. It's pretty big. In terms of the base names, I think it's coming in at a three, but because of the clever twists, which none of us saw coming, that it turned out to be Britain and that Albina was the origin of Albion, I'm going to make it a four.

I'm going to throw in a bonus point just for that because it was a four all along. So what's your third category? The third category is Revenge of the Sisters. Okay. Break this category down for me, James. Star Wars. We talked about Star Wars. Okay.

It sounds a little bit like the title of a Star Wars. Which is, is that one of the prequels? Yes. Revenge of the Sith is the third. And it's also the revenge of the sisters when the 33 sisters murdered all of their husbands in a very elaborate montage. Very violent. Yeah.

Lots of blood everywhere, spitting out, covering everything. Very cinematic. Yeah. Sort of imagine it comic book style, filled in black and white, but just with red blood spatters. It's just dying for a cinema adaptation. Yeah, yeah, no, it is. I appreciated the ultraviolence that you squeezed in there.

Yeah, the revenge was great. We love revenge. And they are sisters. They're literally sisters, but they're also like, you know, solidarity sisters because, you know, and oppressed women banding together, gaining their freedom. Yeah, it's better than any other Star Wars film so far. I'm going to say it's a five. I don't want to give a five at this point, but I feel like it would be sexist not to give it a five. And, and, and we are three guys, so he's better just to have a little side of caution.

Maybe it's a six. I don't know, but we'll call it a five. Great job. And the final category then, Graham, you're ready? Go for it. Hit him with it. Hit him with it. It'll be reeling.

He's on the ropes. Final category is Incubusman's Holiday. Okay. Badoom. What was that? What was that sound of, James? Final category is Incubusman's Holiday. Okay. Doom. What was that? What was that sound of James? That was as brute as the barbe beefcake suplexing. Oh no. Now you've got to partially shave me.

Yeah. Yeah. Incubusman's Holiday. I don't really understand it, but I enjoy a bus pun as you know. Yeah. Yeah. They have a little holiday. The Zincubus is there. I respect it so much that I feel like giving you one of those little respectful bus driver waves at this point as we pass in the podcast.

A little nod. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to just hand out fives. Like nobody's business, but what can I do? Al-Khalili Well, I mean, it's also, and it's like a holiday, all because all the women were not from Albina in the first place. So it was a bit like a holiday, bit like a club 1830 holiday. Will Barron For 18 to 30 women. Al-Khalili Yes, yes.

Will Barron So yeah, it's five out of five. Where can people find your podcast? It's the answer to the internet. Will Barron Wherever you find podcasts. Al-Khalili Yeah, it's five out of five. Where can people find your podcast? It's beyond the internet. Wherever you find podcasts. Yeah, you don't manually deliver it. I don't. I could. I could for the right price. Just through people's letter boxes. Wherever. For the right price. I have a website as well. People apparently like websites and

I do live shows occasionally as well. So yeah, Tales of Britain and Ireland on that old Google machine. What's the website? Talesofbritainandisland.com. It is as simple as that. I think you probably want to work on some kind of law based pun that doesn't really work. But I suppose you've already got the website, so surely do it.

I feel like the market's been cornered. Law-nerd. That's a real stretch. Does law and order exist? I bet law and order does exist. cornered on. That's a real stretch. Does law and order exist? I bet law and order does exist. It probably does. Yeah, it probably does.

Should go and look, go and look for that. Oh, no, don't just in case it's terrible. We were going to call the podcast Absolute Legends. There was another podcast called Absolute Legends at the time that we started. And I looked, I checked back in and they did like two episodes because they were going when we started and then they've given up. So it's like, we could have had that, but too late. We're called law men now. Yeah. And you get funky badges. That's, that's, that's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good. There you have it. Yeah.

Oh, it's like a night bus. That was really fun. And if listeners want to get some bonus episode and some bonus stuff from that episode, please go to picture.com. What a violent, sexy and patriotic tale that was, James. And join us. Makes me feel weird to be British. What a violent, sexy and patriotic tale that was, James. It makes me feel weird to be British. Yeah, they sound really fun. Thank you very much for Graham for joining us. Thank you, Joe, for editing this episode.

And thank you to everyone who already supports us on the aforementioned Patreon.com. And you can listen to Tales of Britain and Ireland and catch Graham doing live shows. I don't know if I can dox exactly who it was, but I know someone who got in trouble at school for selling their own brand, Sherbert Dibdab. What do you mean their own brand, Sherbert Dibdabs. What do you mean their own brand of Sherbert Dibdabs? Well, they made it out of ice and sugar and the... Bicarbonate of soda? Yeah. And the citric acid. Bicarbs, citric acid and sugar, they mixed it up themselves,

took it to school in little baggies within two days as in their master's office.