Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep43 - The Penzance Poisoner

Episode Date: November 27, 2025

James dives back into the well of Cornish lore and surfaces with story of undying love - and a chilling counterpart to last week's tale. It's a case of Till Death Us Don't Part in the legend of Sarah Polgrain and Yorkshire Jack, whose marriage vows echoed beyond the grave. Plus, a lovely handful of teeth. ⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. I'm James Shankshaft. I'm Alistair. We've got a rejoinder to last week's tale of the spectral bridegroom. Are we going back to Cornwall for a little bit more? Yeah, we're going back to Cornwall for an execution. and a wedding. Oh. Yeah.

Alistair Beckett King. Well, well, well, well, if it isn't James Shakeshaft. Well, if it isn't. Well, is it? If it isn't James Shakeshelf, it's AI. Oh no, AI James Shakeshaft. AI got cocky. Oh, no, just providing a rough approximation of what James would have said.

Yes. If proof be need be, proof of proof be need be. Proof of proof be need be simply must be dust. All his catchphrases. All the classic lines. Don't look for it. It's not there. Come on. They're all there.

I don't know if I even said that correctly. Right. Alistair, I didn't bring you here just to rifle through some of my old catchphrases. We're not just riffling the catchphrase roller decks tonight. Not tonight. Good night. Which is the catchphrase of a polter guy. Another catchphrase, yep. I'm now bringing it into my everyday life, and I know for a fact my wife doesn't listen to this podcast, so I just sound rude. Good night.

Good night. But we are dipping back in, we are rifling through the incredibly rich pamphlet. Demons, ghosts and specters in Cornish folklore. Once again, we're going back to it for the second week in a row. We're just wallowing in Cornwall. By Robert Hunt, do you know Cornwall? He asks, or someone asked. I don't know if it was written by him.

But Alistair, this week, we're going to Ludgvan. Oh, Ludgwan, which is slightly north-east. of Penzance. It sounds like it should be a long way northeast of Penzance. No, it's just barely two miles. Ludgvan.

Probably said, well, it's probably like Ludvun or something like that. L-U-D-G-V-A-N. Ludgvan. Ludgwan. Ludgran. It's quite near Madron,

which is the home to the... The slightly more wacky collider. The Madron Collider. Just two blokes just running at each other. But they are so angry. Really angry. No, it is.

Menal Toll is the stone with a hole in, a classic Cornish one. And there's two standing stones and a stone with a hole in. It looks like lull, if you get it at just the right angle. Wow. L-O-L. Loll. Not far from it is the Tremann Here sculpture gardens, which I've been to. Yes. Which is a fine day out, I have to say.

Well, it's a little village. And Alistair, do you want to know a little bit about this little village? It's split into two areas. There's the lower quarter. and then there's church town. So, sorry, it's split into two areas and one of them is a quarter. Yes, so presumably church town is three quarters.

Yeah. But there's only, as far as I can tell, there's only one church. Yeah. It's a very small village, if three quarters of it is church. I'm looking on a popular mapping service. On Church Hill,

I can see the old school of experiential spirituality. Oh. They're keeping it old school. Keeping that experiential spirituality. old school. Probably skateboarding around the place.

What is skateboarding, if not experiential, spirituality? It's pretty experiential. When you catch air. Go on. When you hang time. Yeah, I know all of the phrases.

When you kick, flip and Ollie, when you collect letters and grind an awning. He does know what he's talking about. I know all about it. I was very much in the scene. So let's just skitch back

to the main story. Yes. Exactly right. The village of Lugdven, for once, this place has got a decent wiki page, Alistair, and there's a load of famous people. It's got its own notable residence. Ooh. Section. We've got Dr. Oliver. He invented a biscuit. A biscuit I might have heard of? Yeah, the Bath Oliver Biscuit. Nope, I haven't heard of that. Because his name was Oliver and he was in Bath when he invented it.

The Bath Oliver Biscuit, a biscuit for your bath? Oliver biscuit. That's a terrible invention. I think invented feels like way too strong a word for a biscuit, right? The Oliver Bath Biscuit, the Bath Oliver? Yeah, I think it's Bath Oliver biscuit. Unmemorable. Okay, then.

All right, it's also the home of the Davy family. There was Sir Humphrey Davy who gave nitrous oxide. It's more common name of laughing gas. Oh, we sounds like a hoot. Yes. Was he just coming up with cute nicknames for all the gases? Maybe. Yeah, Sleepy Time Gas.

And the problem is just a lot of them just kill you. That's the problem with that. A lot of them will kill you. The rector at that church, Arthur Boscowen, was instrumental in founding the Cornish anemone industry, right? Wow. I don't need to tell you. That was pretty big in the 1900s.

Is that selling the fossils? Of anemones. Of anemones. Isn't anemone, isn't that a fish thing? You're thinking of ammonites. I'm thinking of ammonites. All I know is that my anenemy is an enemy. It's my friend.

Yes. That's right. Anenemite. Yeah. So I remember now, they're not ammonites. They're the little wriggly chaps. They're just sort of somewhere between a plant and a creature thing. One of them guys, underwater fellas.

Yeah, definitely electrocute you if you get too close or something. He also, this rector, introduced broccoli as a commercial crop from Germany. Okay, good stuff. And that was early 1900. So previous to that, I'm guessing, broccoli was a madman's dream. Well, broccoli was only invented fairly recently, wasn't it, as a spin-off of cauliflower? James Bond, yeah. James, you're joking there.

No, we've talked about the broccoli's before. There's a couple of famous Cornish wrestlers from around there. I didn't mean to say that as Sean Connery as it ended up. Cornish wrestlers. Cornish wrestlers. Yeah, a couple of Cornish wrestlers. Yes. A couple of big boys.

A couple of the big boys from around there. Nice. Also, James Hoskin, who, and he is one of the notable residents of Lugdvan, who in 1811, went to America. James, tell me he isn't famous just because he went to America. He did write about it, but he just went to America. He didn't even go to America to seek his fortune. He just went on a holiday. I know we have some Wikipedia editors listening.

It would be wrong for me to direct you, you know, I need to be. neutral in this, but I think none of these guys are notable. It's also notable for claiming to be one of the places where England's last wolf lived and died. But there's a lot of them. There are a lot of them. And another one of its notable

residents is the subject of the tale, the execution and wedding. Okay, wow. That is a busy weekend. Yes. Hard to know what to pack. Just, I go for your black suit. Little black dress. Yeah. Works for both.

Definitely. Okay, smash. It's the 12th of August 1820. Am I, is that my nickname? Smash cut. You're dressing me as smash cut. Okay, smash cut. Okay, smash cut. At 12th of August 1820 in Bodmin,

Sarah Polgren is about to be executed for the moida of her husband. Oh no. Yes. According to Robert Hunt's account, there was little doubt she'd been urged onto the diabolical deed by horse dealer, Yorkshire Jack. Okay, this guy sounds. Trustworthy.

Yorkshire, Jack. Yes. He's got a real Swiss Tony vibes. Yeah. Hey, want to buy horse. No, wait a minute. Is that Yorkshire? Is that Yorkshire?

Well, it could have been Lancashire. Oh, yeah. But yes, I think it sounded northern at least. Well done. Now then, that's one to buy horse. Very good. Yeah, very good. One careful little old lady.

Actually, that's going back to Lancashire. That's my famous Lancashire Larynx. Little old lady used to tick horse down road to shops or whatever. I don't know what you'd say. you're a dodgy horse dealer. Yeah, I don't know. You definitely can't cut and shut a horse. We hope not.

Unless, as discussed in recent weeks, unless it's a panto horse. Yeah. Because they are basically the cut and shut of horses. And I think in one of the very first episodes, I'm sure we had a horse that had been chopped in half, along its width. From mouth to tail?

No, the other way. From left to right? Yeah, left to right. Oh. Well, anyway, yeah, Yorkshire. He's dealing in dodgy horses, and he is convincing why. to murder their husbands.

Who is this guy? He's a saucy one. He sounds saucy. You know he's good looking and you know he has sideburns. Somehow, just for the information we have. Just huge, massive sideburns. It is the early 1800s.

I think everyone had sideburns, even children. Yeah, it's true. They had to shave them off for the photographs. So, Robert Hunt's account, one morning during my residence in Penzance, an old woman from Lugven called on me with some trifling message.

While she was waiting for my answer All right, mate he's just sitting there just batting a ping pong ball about in his office with this trifling message Just playing with a Newton's cradle on his desk Oh yeah, all right

It's that woman again, is it? Yeah, so while she was waiting for my answer I made some ordinary remark about the weather It's all owing to Sarah Polgrain, said she Sarah Polgrain, said I And who is Sarah Polgrain Then the voluble lady told me the whole story of the poisoning, which we need not at present concern ourselves.

By and by, the trail grew especially interesting, and there I resume it. So he's swiped over, he's swiped past a potentially very interesting story. Yeah, yeah, that sounded really interesting. And he just hand waved that away. I went to Richard Clark's website, Capital Punishment UK.org, and found out a little bit more information because I was... would like to know. Is this a website that's in favour of capital punishment?

Or is it just a history of capital punishment? It does not glorify murder in any way, if you look at the about page. Good, good. He's very keen to stress that. He's written a number of books as well. It seems quite interesting. I didn't do much more than a cursory glance. There were a lot of ads.

And there was an ad for the, for parties and cocktails in Levington Spa, karaoke bar, which feels like it's not the best targeted advertising. Yeah, yeah. to Punishment UK.org. It feels like it is neither tailored to the website nor to you, the user. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I could go to Lemonton Spa

and join and sing at the karaoke bar. Yeah, I'm not saying you couldn't, James. I'm sorry. Thank you. So it does detail a bit of her case. She was found guilty of murdering a husband. She was tried and she was hanged. She said that she had not loved the deceased

any more than she loved a dog. Presumably, she didn't love that. dog. Yeah, because some people really like dogs. Yes. She poisoned her husband with arsenic mixed in butter. She apparently had bought the arsenic as rat poison, but it says no holes were found and no rats. So, you know, you could say it worked, but no, she bought it to poison her husband. She did admit on the way to the gallows that she had murdered him because of his well-founded jealousy and her aversion to him. Right.

She'll probably get divorce, probably get divorce happening a bit easier. Yeah, yeah. That's probably the solution in this situation. But yes, so she was hanged and we go back to Robert Hunts. This is apparently when it gets interesting.

He's saying arsenic in the butt is not interesting. Or it's not interesting enough. But to be fair, the other account doesn't mention Yorkshire Jack. So he's already got a one up here. Sarah had begged that Yorkshire Jack might accompany her to the scaffold.

when she was led forth to execution. And Robert Hunt says, there stood this unholy pair, the fatal beam on which the woman's body was in a few minutes to swing before them. They kissed each other and whispered words passed between them. And the executioner intimated

that the moment of execution had arrived and they must part. Several Polegrain looked earnestly at Yorkshire Jack and said, You will? And Yorkshire Jack replied, I will. And they separated.

And yeah, so the hanging happened. This is that lady with the trifling messages version of the local legend. Years past. Yorkshire Jack was never the same man that he'd been before. Presumably, his sideburns, they're looking a little bit ratty.

Yeah. His snazzy leather jackets looking a bit battered. His bold, dashing air deserted him. That last line was by Robert Hunt on me, obviously. He's looking a little hoary around the sideburns, grizzled. He walked or rather wandered slowly

about the streets of the town. Ooh, like a Yorkshire zombie. constantly moved his head from side to side, looking first over one, then the other shoulder, as though dreading that someone was following him. Oh, no. He became thin. His ruddy cheeks became pale in his eyes, sunken. Hey, hey, let's not start attacking pale people with sunken eyes here.

You know, this, that's a whole, that's a community you're just slandering there. Is it just something horrifically repulsive about having a cadaverous visage? It's not, it's just different. Okay. It's just different to how it was before. It's different to how it was before, fine. Yes. Then one day he disappears.

One of his mates, a confident of Yorkshire Jack from Lugdvan, revealed that what Yorkshire Jack had pledged was he had pledged himself, living or dead, to become the husband of Sarah Polgren after the lapse of years. Okay. Is that, is that possible? I guess so. Can you marry someone who's dead? I don't know.

I mean, the wedding. vows specifically say until death parts us, don't they? That's only the living wedding vows. Oh. In sickness and in health, till... Yeah, till death do us part, yeah. So they're not married anymore. Anyway, no, they never get married.

They hadn't got married. Maybe this one is till death do us wed. Possible title for the episode. Possible episode title. A sitcom spin-off of this. Yes. So Jack has gone to sea in the merchant navy and the period of time passed that they'd obviously agreed to

and his unholy promise was to be fulfilled. He was returning from the Mediterranean, which is good, but not America. You said that the way, when I was a kid, dinner ladies were very impressed if you'd been on holiday overseas. Oh, the Mediterranean. Oh, the Mediterranean, very posh.

There's so many vowels, there's so many syllables. You kind of got to put a bit of a spin on a Mediterranean. The Mediterranean. on his way back he was met who do you think he was met by the ghost of the woman yeah and of course the devil themselves

the devils themselves is the devil themselves far off out at sea off land's end they've come to meet him to make good on his promise to marry her in this life more rather than next

and he did not want to accompany them willingly so they followed the ship and put it in a storm and eventually Jack was washed from the deck And apparently, according to the oldest sailor, it was such a wave as the oldest sailor had never seen. Wow. So a pretty hefty old wave there. Pretty impressive waves.

If anyone has seen a lot of waves, it's going to be an old sailor. Well, the oldest, who's going to have seen the most waves? The oldest sailor. By default. And amidst loud thunders and flashing lightnings, riding as it were on a dark cloud were three figures. They're the devil. It's Sarah Polgren. And it's Yorkshire Jack.

And they all saw this from the ship, did they? And that's what the oldest sailor saw. In the lightning cloud, three figures, several, Sarah Paul Graham, you're what she done. And this sailor who'd never seen Sarah Paul Graham before recognized her in a cloud in a lightning strike. Well, I think he inferred from context clothes. All right, okay.

Good, that's good, good comprehension, oldest sailor. He's being pretty distracted by his wave collection, his mental wave collection that he's doing. They're having to update all the waves he's ever seen but moving them down one. Oh, that's such a wave as I've never seen. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got to take, yeah.

It's not easy. In the old days, this is before computers. He's manually updating that scrapbook. Yeah, I suppose he is. And as the old woman, you remember the old woman with the trifling message? I do remember her. Yeah, it was just irritating old woman

coming with a trifling message, yes. It's all true, as you may learn if you will inquire for many of her kin live in Church Town, which is we, you know, that's three quarters of the village. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's such a small village. It seems unnecessary to split it into two, but fair enough. Yes, you've got the lower quarter, and then you've got the hill with the church on it,

aka Church Town. Yeah, yeah. So that's the tale of the execution in the wedding. Wow, yeah. I mean, it started out quite a small story, and I didn't expect such a high budget special effect laden finale. Yeah. I didn't know we'd be going to see.

I didn't know we were going to meet the devil. Going to see on a ship that had been to the Mediterranean. To the Mediterranean? Oh, la la. Oh, por favor, monsieur. We're seeing waves that old sailors have never seen before. Some of the biggest waves ever. Yeah.

So pretty impressive, James. Good work. That was kind of a shortish story, though. So do you want a little bonus? Go on. Why not? Okay. This is also from Demons and Ghost and Specters in Cornish folklore by

Robert Hunt. It's called Cornish teeny tiny. Oh. So an old lady had been to the church in the sands of Paranzabaloo, Paranzabaloo, which is a place name, Paranzabaloo. I don't know if that's how you pronounce it, but it's gone. James, it sounds like you're casting a spell. Don't wave a wand while you say that, please. Paranzabaloo.

And she found, in the sands by this church, some, and it's not my words, some very good teeth. And she pocketed them. As you would. Yeah. This is kind of the post credits bit. If we started on a smash cut on the last one, I'm presuming we went to a little iris dissolve with the devil in the cloud and he did a little cheeky wing.

But yeah, this is the post credits in Peranza Baloo. So she finds in the sands some very good teeth, which she pockets and at night places them on a dressing table before getting into bed. And she goes to sleep. And she is disturbed by someone calling out, give me my teeth, give me my teeth. Mm-hmm. And it says here at first,

the lady took no notice of this. Yeah. But the cry, what can they mean? My teeth. Yeah. It's just confusing. To be fair, the cry was probably,

give me my teeth. It was so constantly repeated that she at last, in terror, out of the bed, took the teeth from the dressing table, open the window, flung them out, exclaiming, drap the teeth, take them. And they no sooner fell into the darkness on the road,

then hasty retreating footsteps were heard, and there were no more demands for teeth. Wow. Yeah, that's the entirety of it. Makes you think, doesn't it? It does really make you think. I think there's a message there, isn't it? Mm.

If you find a bunch of teeth in the sand, just leave them. Just, they're not yours. Yeah. If you think it's a good idea to pop teeth on your bedside, table, it's not. Why, are they just there to, for her to sort of gloat over of them? Or she put them there like you would put your dentures and she's planning to pop them in

the next morning. But it sounds like they were loose. So she's got like insert them one by one or something. Is she just thinking she's going to just, the tooth fairy is going to come and she's going absolutely clean up. Yeah, that must be it. A whole mouthful of teeth. That must be it.

Yes. That's a license to print money basically, isn't it? It certainly is if you could then get more teeth, yes. You can flip those teeth and buy some more teeth, bigger teeth. Yeah. And then... Take our mortgage on the teeth. Yeah.

Buy more teeth. Buy more teeth. And then rent out the teeth to other people or something. I don't really understand how you could be a landlord of teeth. It's like that TV show, teeth, teeth, teeth. But I prefer a teeth in the country. Yeah, I like, I'd like a teeth in the Mediterranean. A little pieda tooth, is that what you have in mind?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got my country teeth and I've just got a little city teeth, some little city teeth. So yeah, I just thought I'd amuse your bouch. Do you amuse your bouch? You can't amuse your bouch at the end of a meal, do you? My bouch can be amused at any time. I'm happy to have a starter after the main meal. Why not?

That's more like a little shot of espresso, which is, very much what the story was and you think oh what's that something in my mouth and you spit it out and it's some teeth a little tooth espresso yikes so

two fine tales James would you like to proceed to the scores yes yes I would let's retire to the scoring realm just jar of teeth I'm just swirling teeth in a glass like brandy

this is definitely put in some people on edge yeah yeah probably okay so first up What's your category? First category is naming. What was the name of the place where she found the teeth? Peranza Ballou. That's five.

Yes. Do we need to do any other names? Oh, Churchtown. Yorkshire Jack. Yorkshire Jack. I'm Yorkshire Jack. Yorkshire Jack. I'm not the man of where.

Dr. Oliver's Barth Biscuit. Yeah, terrible. Terrible name. If anything, that's counting against this score. Laughing Gas? Quite, I suppose, actually, a very fun name for a gas. Does what it says on the tin. There's the noble gases, and there's laughing gas.

That's about it, really. Yeah, those are the main gases. Okay, so we've got the five, though, for the Perens. Yes. Yeah, oh, it's easily five, yeah. Try saying that we're no teeth or too many teeth. I mean, I enjoyed the old school of experiential spirituality. That's good.

And Lugdvun. Lugdvan. And the name is that... Tremeneer. A tremendous name. The meneer in that is Menier from Standing Stone, I read. It's like the path of the standing stones or something I think it means.

Okay, great. Moving on then to supernatural because don't forget. Oh, they're very supernatural. It had the devil in it. Yeah, the devil themselves. You had the devil. You had specters appearing in clouds, in lightning.

You had supernaturally tall waves. I haven't called you up so far on that. He just said it was a wave he'd not seen before. It might look like a cat or something. Oh, right. He didn't actually say it was big. No. You just said it was a wave that he was very old

and he'd never seen a wave like that before. But to sweep Yorkshire Jack off the deck, it's got to be pretty hefty. Yeah. Talking about a Yorkshireman, even in his reduced state. Yes. He's still pretty, yeah.

He's got to be pretty sturdy. Yeah. So that's pretty impressive. Mm-hmm. A wedding vow that carries on past death, defying the very wedding vows themselves? Yeah. It's pretty impressive.

And then a toothless ghost who just wanted his teeth. I don't know that the teeth didn't. just belonged to one of her neighbors. Because there's nothing supernatural about stealing someone's teeth and them saying, could I owe my teeth back? And then you throwing the teeth at them out the window. Drat it. I didn't even want your teeth anyway.

Why did you steal my teeth and then throw them at me? Why would you do that? That hurt. Ow! So I don't think that's very supernatural. We don't know that that's supernatural. Could also be that. She did actually find some random teeth on a beach.

And she told her neighbour, and her neighbour was like, I am going to do the best joke. It is going to be, this is going to be talked about in 180 years on a podcast. Yeah. Yes. And that is famous now, just like the Bath Oliver Biscuit is now noteworthy

because we've mentioned it on popular folklore podcast Lawmen. My friend searched on an AI for the snuffling beast, and it knew that we talked about it. Really? That makes me feel sick. I know I could be listening to this and chuckling away to itself. Okay.

It's a three for supernatural. That's fair enough. There were three main supernatuals. Yeah. Yep, three in the cloud. Three points. And a cheeky neighbour. What's the next category?

Arsenic and old butter. Oh, James. James, you've referenced a film I like. Yes. You old dog. Yeah, I love arsenic and old lace. As a vegan, I don't love butter, but I don't feel like I should force my ideology onto you, or indeed the listener. I nearly tried to vegan pedant you that lace was like actual spider's webs or something.

For a second, I thought that lace was made by animals somehow. It could be made of silk, couldn't it? Can you have lace made of silk? I don't know. We neither of us know. This isn't the doily cast. Yeah, this is not doilycast. Did you realise that?

I can't believe you got this far into the episode thinking when are they going to start talking about doilies? And now we have, and to be honest, it's disparaging. Yes, mostly negative. I'm going to give you a four? Ah, no. Yeah, it's happened, I'm afraid. Final category then.

Forget it, Yorkshire, Jack. It's Churchtown, because of the film. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because old women are always coming to you with their trifling stories. It's pointless. Trying to get anything done. While they await my answer,

I'd like to hear a film-worthy story featuring waves that people have never seen before. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm just going to sit here pouring out another decanter of teeth in the vestry.

I thought he said a cup of tea. No, a cup of tea. Yeah, well, it is Churchtown. I mean, I kind of, I kind of feel like I don't want to give you five out of five for this because it feels like, it feels excessive, but it is Churchtown. So five, yeah. Yes. I guess it's nothing I can do about it.

Not at all. I guess the corruption is such that, you know, all my efforts were in vain, much like Jake Gitter's in the film Chinatown. Mm-hmm. Does he get his revenge in the sequel, The Two Jakes? I don't know, but I worry about the trajectory of that series in terms of Jake numbers. Three Jays? Because it's, so far, it's doubling in every film. Oh, wow, yeah.

So if there's four Jakes in the third film, then there's going to be eight Jakes. Yeah. And I'm just not sure. Los Angeles is already short of water. So I'm not sure we can tolerate this many Jack Nicholson's. This is an unsustainable amount of Jake. It's way, we need to get that band less than Jake and ask them what their technique was. Because this is too many, Jake.

Yeah, it's five out of five. Yes. I don't like it. But it is... Yes. Well, that was a lot of fun, and there were probably a few bits that got cut out,

so please find them by joining us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. And Alistair. Yes, James. I'd like to first of all say thank you very much to all the people

that already do that. Second of all, say thank you very much to Lawrence for Ediths in this episode. I would like to second those thankses, But carry on. How can anyone possibly see you in real life doing comedy on a stage? Well, if they live in the UK,

then they can buy tickets to see me do Key of Crumbs, my new show on tour. It's comedy. There are jokes. Excellent. I don't feel like I'm selling it very well. They should come. You should come, basically.

Very quick sidebar. I think sideburns got their name from an American general called General Burnside, who had big sideburns. Really? Around about this time, because he was, yeah, he was born in 1824. And I bet he'd been to America. Yeah, he had. He was from there.

Definitely from there. What did they call them before then? Just hair. There wasn't a name for it. Yeah, because his name was Burnside. So they swapped it around and made them side burns. There is no reason why the word burns gotten involved in there, is it? Yeah.

Well, there is now. Ambrose Burnside, who was an American general in the Civil War on the Union side. Relax, everyone. That was close. That was close.