Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep47 - Xmas Pig 2025 with Daisy Earl

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

It's PIIIIIIIIGMAAAAAS! James and Alasdair are joined by multi-award-having comedian Daisy Earl. We make merry with the legend of a boozy Mancunian pig named Polly, and the Scottish fairy tale of Whuppity Stoorie. (The latter of which bears a strong resemblance to the more famous tale of old... you know... Rumple-whatshisname.) Follow Daisy! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hi there, listener. It's Alistair from Lawmen. I just wanted to let you know that tickets are on sale now for my 2026, 2026 tour of the UK. It's called King of Crumbs, and I'm bringing it to a town near you. If you live in Shrewsbury, Shrewsbury, or Shrewsbury, Portsmouth, Lester, Lestor, Pry, Portsmouth, Oxford, Oxford, Portsmouth, Oxford, Oxford, Liverpool, Barnard, Newcastle, Canterbury, Manchester, Cambridge, Swindon, Salisbury, Aldershot, or indeed, London Town, Old London. For King of Crumbs, or go to Abeckettking.com forward slash gigs. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, Alistair Beckett King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And James. Christmas pig to you. Merry Christmas pig right back at you.

I have got a festive test. of fairies and revenge for you. Here comes the tale of whoopitisteurie. Ooh. Ooh. A ho, ho, ho there, James. A ho, a ho, oink, oink, in fact. I tried to do a hoe into an oink, but then I realized that does work.

Hoink, hoink, hoing, hoing, there, Jane. I'm not even going to bother with a stage whisper, or maybe a panto whisper, which might be appropriate. Oh, yes, you are. I'm just going to tell you, James, we've got a deputy guest law person in the, I don't know, the back end of a panto horse. I don't know where you would, where you would be. This is a terrible introduction so far.

Upper Beanstalk, they're all horrible. Inside a golden egg? That's the best one, yes. Inside this golden egg that you will have noticed. Yes. Is the standard comedian. I mean, sorry. James, please allow me to introduce Daisy Earl.

Daisy, you, among other awards, you are a former Scottish comedian of the year. Whoa. Now let's just hear that accent again, Daisy. Could you just give us a sentence there to just really lock in that Scottish accent? Well, I am the only Scottish comedian in the year winner with an English accent. But technically, and I have to explain myself a lot on this, I am more Scottish than English because my dad's half and my mum's full, so I'm like three quarters.

Do you mean I... Yeah, that's more than semi-skimmed. Yeah. So I assume it... That's semi-skimmed with a dash of extra cream. And I can do the accent. and I find it sad that I grew up in England, I would be a lot more likable Scottish, do you know what I mean? Imagine how much more like I would be, because I'm like you, not quite as Scottish.

You're perhaps the, for English guests we've had on, you're the most Scottish so far. Genetically, though, Alistair, you are the King of Scotland. Yeah, I'm trying to persuade them of this, but they won't have it. The accent really, the accent really gets in the way when you say that to Scottish people as an Englishman. I just don't think I've ever seen anyone look more Scottish, though. I don't think anybody ever has. They haven't. Like, William Wallace looked positively like Caribbean compared to you.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Really? Australian that guy. Have you ever dressed up as full Scots? Are you asking me or are you asking Daisy? Well, either of you, but are you first, Alistair? I've never won a kilt. I don't think I've ever worn any tarson of any kind. I think my powers might become too great if I were to do that.

Is it too dangerous for you? I just don't think it's safe. It's like crossing the streams. His hair and tartan, no way. James, for a woman, what would dressing up full Scottish be? Because for a man, it's a kilt, but how would I do that? Because I'd like to. I'd be up for it, but what do you mean?

I'm kind of visualising Supergram. Okay. In that case, yes, that's just how I dress most of the time. Yeah, if you're not watching the video version of this, you are actually dressed as Supergram. I am. As we speak, yeah, and I don't apologise. It's how I'm comfortable, so... Sorry, Scottish listeners, your culture has been appropriated by two English people with Scottish mums.

One and three-quarter English people, I think, technically, right? Yeah. Between us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Daisy, we were gigging together the other day, and you started talking to me about folklore without knowing that I do a folklore podcast, which is quite rude but interesting at the same time. It was rude, but then I started listening. to your podcast and by the way

I'm now officially a fan I love it I honestly I think it's great and I really enjoyed it because there was a huge back catalogue like I really I think it's great but I love folklore and I love that you loved folklore

and I don't know how I knew you would like folklore other than Alistair you do also look as well as being Scottish like someone who would like folklore so maybe that's why I just guess you just have a mythical quality is it the beard to Alistair it's called just the news

I'll get it from the bees don't know about you guys what they've heard The thing is so Alistair was quite sassy with me James about folklore And there was an element If I'm honest of like folklore mansplaining

And I would really like you Yeah I'd like you James to take my side on this I just thought I'd stir the pot early on. Okay. All right. Let's get it all out in the open. Right. I know I'm going to look bad in this. Alistair felt that this was quite anti-feminist. I feel it's quite practical. All I said was was that often women who were accused of being witches, it was because they were like single older women who maybe lived in the woods on their own. And in the winter, they might go to like a

neighboring farm and be like, oh, could I borrow some bread? And then the person would be like, no you can't and then the woman the accused witch would like lose her temper and be like okay then I curse your farm right then when something went wrong because just it might like the milk goes sour they're like oh well you know goody nuttle she said she cursed me and all I said to Alistair was that if I had been a woman at that time and a bit strange and loud which I am anyway so I'm sure I would have been you know prime for which accusations if I went and asked someone to borrow something and I'd seen many of my friends got like burnt at the steak for like being a bit sassy if I said oh can I borrow some bread and they go no I haven't got any I'd go I don't

no worries at all have a lovely happy new year you do you not bothered because I wouldn't want them to go oh she cursed us I told Alistair this and he was like hmm how interesting, so rare that we blame the women. And I was like, oh, wow, rude. That's not what I was saying at all. Not many people are prepared to blame the accused witches for what happened to them. And I just think we have to have all perspectives on this debate podcast where we hear from all sides of the spectrum. Some people think those women were asking for it by being annoying. I was just giving a perfectly respectable opinion. Giving a more rounded view. That's all. That's all. That's all I'm saying.

RIP to those ladies but Daisy is different. Yeah. She just wouldn't have cursed yorke. I would have simply have not acted like a witch. Yeah, thank you. I wouldn't have worn a pointy hat and cackled. Exactly.

Is that a crime? To not own a black cat? James, I knew you would get this. Thank you. If someone kicked my rabbit, I would simply have not had a limp the next day. Yeah. That's what I think the kids call it.

deep cut, James. That is very, yes. Specifically, specifically Bridgewater. But you know, just I didn't understand that reference at all, but because I'm likable to someone who won't get told there a witch, I just played along with the menfolk and went, yes, rabbit limp, absolutely, my friend, whatever makes you happy. Wait a minute, wait a minute. This woman seems to know what men are talking about.

Oh, no. Witch. Oh, no. In real witch vibes, let's discuss it at the next meeting, which is only men. Okay, Joe, what, fine. Well, thank you very much for coming on, though, Daisy. If it was it just to write those wrongs? Yeah, it's a vengeance.

It's logs out straight away. Thank you for having me. It's the first time a podcast host has dropped Mike and left, isn't it? But Daisy, you are. not only in yourself a friend of the show, you're also, you've created a friend of the show, which is what we call books of folklore. Yes. And we've got some wonderful illustrations here.

Could you just, before I, if it's all right with you, read a little extract. Could you tell me the origin of these pieces? Okay. Well, basically, my husband also likes folklore, and he wanted this book about folklore that was really expensive. And because I... That's the Reader's Digest... Book of Folklore Myths and Legends.

Wow. The fact that you guys knew that so quickly was so adorable, but yes. Don't worry. All the listeners will have said, The Reader's Digest, look of Myth and Legend. At the exact same moment, James and I did. Yeah. Everyone's always annoyed by how much it costs. Well, it's just too expensive.

So I... But he wanted it, and it was his birthday. So I decided instead, I would make him his own book of folklore. So I basically on my iPad I like drew the pictures and then I like

looked them up in different places and then wrote little explanations and then I printed it off and put it in like a red file thing and put stickers on that so it's very homemade Oh lovely

And then I gave it him for his birthday But it's quite a big book Like I did find a lot But I'm not into fact checking But you are into victim blaming I'm a little bit Yeah sure I mean you're James

I'm not perfect Perfect. Sometimes I'll blame a witch, but I don't like fact-checking. So some of this might be accurate, might not, but that's the fun of folklore. Because I just feel I like folklore. And if people, I'm not religious, religious people, I feel can make it up. They can say whatever they like. So I'm taking the same energy. So this is the brownie, which, and, well, should I read the description or should I, should you read the description, Daisy? Because you wrote the description. I'd quite like you to read it, because then I, I'm. feel like my books become an audio book, which I'll enjoy. Yeah, James, do you read it as authoritatively as you can? Brownies, for me, are very much the dry lunch of the fairy kingdom. You wouldn't want to be sat next to them at a wedding. They do pranks, but also clean up when you're asleep in some fit of passive aggressive virtue signaling, like a 1950s housewife. I just think Brownies would do a skydye for charity, but then tut if you didn't sponsor them,

probably my least favorite mythical creature. It's exactly like the real Reader's Digest Book of Myths and Legends if the author was trying to settle scores with some of the mythical creatures. Do you not just think, though, that it's quite a rubbish power? Cleaning? Yeah. They, I don't know what their vibe is. They are very passag, definitely.

Yeah, thank you. And that's the thing, it's like, are they the ones where if you, like, give them some money or food or like reward them in any way they basically just go oh sorry is it is it only worth that much to you yes fine then i'm off yeah that's rude they've got mother-in-law energy i think boom slams mother-in-law daisy slams mother-in-laws at christmas yeah especially at christmas yeah mm-hmm oh mistletoe mistletoe was also nicked by victorian christians from the Celtic and North Smiths. It's supposed to represent fertility and friendship,

but since Victorian Britons made it that you... Sorry. But since Victorian Britons made it that you can... And should kiss anyone under the mistletoe. I think we've hit a typo there, James. I would say just breeze past it and don't massively draw it into this. No, James, that's how I learn. Thank you.

Thank you for pointing out. I don't know which... Victorian Britain's made it that you can should kiss anyone. Canaan shirt This book was made with love Okay It was I did it in my spare

I'm not an artist I just wanted my husband To have a nice thing I didn't expect it to be like examined in this way Martha Come into the parlour I of Victorian Britain

Have made it that you can should kiss Anyone under the mistletoe That's just how they talk to those days but yes as you say it's really lost it sparkle post hashtag me too it has a bit I just think it's not appropriate anymore yeah no mistletoe time's are over yeah or anywhere else no thanks

wonderful what a wonderful creation of a friend of the show I've got several but I think this one is particularly Christmassy oh yes I just say there's typos in this as well but James can you just correct them Because you're reading this, like, I've written it like English isn't my first language, but it's because I was touch-tying. Please just correct as you read, darling.

In Norse tradition, your Aether elves were divided into light elves who were nice and lived above ground, and dark elves who were not nice and lived underground. But my question is, were they maybe not nice? they were made to live underground? It's easy to be nice if you get to swan about in the sunshine all day. I'm just saying, in the words of Alan Partridge, people with swimming pools tend to be nice.

Slams, slams elves. I just love the idea that the Reader's Digest book would say in the words of Alan Partridge at any point in the entire book. That's such a sweet present for a husband who likes folklore. That's a really great one. and so beautifully made. James, I apologise for the grammar next year.

I will try harder. Yeah, it's a B plus though. That's bad. Some areas for improvement, but well done. Thank you. So, Daisy, as somebody who has recently discovered the podcast, you might not know that at Christmas time, we talk about pigs for no clear reason.

It's convoluted, but yes, it's difficult to explain. No, because I listen back, I, happy pig must. to you. I'm all about the pigs. Merry pig. Bless us everyone. Merry pigmas. I am, you don't need to explain. I'm fully on board with all your pig Christmas shenanigans. Well, I've got a little Christmas pig, squealing away in my poke. Is that what you put a pig in? Yeah, you pop a pig in a poke. Pop and a pig in a poke. What else are you going to put it in? Do you, do you know of any, any pigs, Daisy? Would you

like to bring a pig to the table? I'd love to bring a pig to the table, but I'm actually a fan of this pig because I know I've sort of seen like I've come on here to settle scores thus far that's I'm a big fan of this pig so we now live in Manchester and in Worsley which is just outside Manchester this is not only a legend but it's like fact checked it was in the national papers at the time at a place called the cocking I'm not saying that to be funny that is genuinely the name of the place it's called the cocking we need to get our points for naming somewhere. Well, at the cock-in, there was a pig named Polly at the turn of century.

It's around 1900. She had 200 piglets, but she was famous because she essentially drank a lot of ale with the pub's customers. So she was like big into drinking and having piglets. And I was about to say her mum, her human mum, the owner of the in Alice Taylor, she married her cousin, which is obviously strange, but, you know, different times. And then they got this pig basically to be entertaining, because it was like pre-R-SPCA. Do you mean animals were much more like, you know, fun back then? I don't want to say animals.

George Clooney have a pet pig. Before the RSPCA, ruined animals by not allowing you to mistreat them. But what's... Is the RSPCA... No, sorry, I always get it mixed up with the NSPCC. Yep. No, no. So, yeah, to be clear, I'm a big fan of the LSPC and RSPCA. I'm not. And the more cruelty that Daisy's in favour of. It's the R&I that you really hate, isn't it, Daisy?

I do. I don't like lifeboats. But basically, she, so the pig had 200 piglets. She would drink with customers in the pub and this was back in like 1900. Then the pig dies and then fast forward to 2020. there was a pig grave for Polly the pig, Polly Worsley, the pig who had 200 pig lids and drank with everyone, at the Coch Inn in Worsley, which then was sold to make a care home, but the locals all rallied together to make it that the care home,

when they built it, the developers couldn't get rid of Polly's pig grave. So you can still visit the pig grave of Polly Worsley, the pig. Wow. In a care home. No, she's not. Well, yeah, you'd have to go to the care home car park.

But I think it is a tourist thing that people come and see her pig grave. But I just think it's full of Christmas cheer that people came together as a local community when they were talking about getting rid of a pig grave of like a 130-year-old pig and people were like, no.

She was a legend, she drank with everyone. She had loads of piglets. She was the original ladette in many ways. Exactly. Way before Zoe Ball. Yeah. I don't want to compare Zoe Ball to a pig that had 200 piglets and drank with everyone.

Well, it's a little bit late. He should have thought about that before you did. Very anti-women on this podcast. I apologize. But I just wanted you to have more pig folklore as a pygmus present. Wonderful pigmas present. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Just pop that under the pigmas tree. Enjoy that. On Pygmas Day. Which is, of course, today. Merry Pygmas. Every day is Pygmas. I wish it could be Pygmas. Sorry.

I've just forgotten this podcast is actually going to come out on Pygmas Day itself. It's going to go out on Pygmas Day itself. Wow. On Christmas Day? Mm-hmm. On the 25th of December. What? That's so exciting.

The birth of baby Peasus. No, I tried to combine pig in Jesus. It can't be done grammatically. It just doesn't work. I'm going to force my family to listen to it on Christmas. Day. Well, it's preparing your pigs in blankets. Yes, I am.

Because that also... You could... A little Zoe balls in blankets. You can listen to it in the car on the way back from visiting Polly's grave. Yeah, yeah, that would be a good. That's everyone's... Everyone does that, yeah. That's a lovely bit of law.

Thank you very much. Welcome. Have you got room for another pig there, James? Of course I do. It's Christmas. Yeah, a little after... One more after eight. Pig? Well, I have the story of whoopity story.

Whoopity story? Yeah. So, Daisy, I'm going to do loads of Scottish accents here. They're not going to be as good as yours, so I might call upon you to improve some of the pronunciations. It's the story of whoopity story as narrated by Nurse Jenny in popular rhymes of Scotland by Robert Chambers from 1870. And it's all written in dialect and weird spellings.

so I'm going to do my best to relate the story of whoopity story which is like a Scottish version of the more famous fairy tale Rumpel Stiltskin Ah and in a similar way to Daisy saying

you know fair enough all as witches died but I wouldn't it wouldn't happen to me if I were Rumpel Stiltskin I think I know where I wouldn't go wrong in this story if I were Wuppity Story

and I'll point out the point where the villain in the story makes a fatal error the story begins in a lost village somewhere in the debatable ground. What? Which I guess means the bit that might be Scotland, might be England. Oh, okay, not just like Marshland. Yeah. So you're like, I don't know.

I mean, I have stayed in some places in Leith that were quite debatable, but I think it means it could be Scotland, could be England. Mm-hmm. And the main character in the story is the good wife of Kittle Rumpet. And Kittle Rumpet is the lost village. and she was having a heck of a time. She'd lost her husband to the wearieful press gang who clicked him up and took him away.

He was press gang. Is that the old press gang as in knocked on the head and then taken onto a boat? Yes, absolutely. He was taken, and him with a wife and we in for Dubai, but they took him anyway, and she thought to herself... Just a little bit on press gangs before,

because we... Go for it, James. lost over them. Is that really, like, you just basically, if you were, if you lived near the coast, you could just be grabbed to be on a boat. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Now, I don't want to get too Daisy about this, but I simply... Right, can, sorry, James, go on.

Can we just not make that an expression in this podcast, I don't want to be too daisy. What would you do, James, if the press can came for you? Well, first of all, I think I simply wouldn't live near the coast. Second of all right. Did you think of that, fisherman? I would just, maybe I'd just like act like I was really seasick all the time and or would be annoying on a boat. You, I don't want to be rude, James, but you do have that vibe generally. Of being annoying on a boat.

Yeah. I mean, you can tell that whenever someone around me says, look at that seagull, I want to point out there's no such thing as sea-gulls. It's just a girl. It's just a girl. Oh, they would let you go before you got to the boat. Yeah, we're going to knock ourselves out. Yeah, yeah.

So I think that's how I'd not get press ganged. Well, if only you'd been there to advise the husband of the good wife of Kittle Rumpet, James. Because she was in a tough situation. She'd lost her husband, but at least she thought to us have, at least I've still got my baby, and at least I've still got my pig. Could you use the pig to ward off the press gangers, because obviously, as we've discussed before, sailors dislike pigs. Yes, of course they do. Yes, they're superstitious.

I'd like to say pig on a boat. There's actually no such thing as a sea pig. You would have been thrown overboard so fast. Just let him go. Let him go. one day things went very badly for the good wife she went out to feed the pig and she found the sue laying on her back grunting and grinning and ready to give up the goose the pig is dying and she sat down with her head in her hands but probably one hand still on the baby and despaired

and now this house it was built on the side of a bray or a hillside or slope and she looked down the bray, and on one side there was a big fir wood, but down the slope she saw an old woman dressed almost entirely in green, almost like a lady coming up the path or the gate with a long staff. And she was wearing a steeple crowned beaver hat. Cool. Yep. And the old woman came over to her and said, I can that your sous un-cusek, or your pig is unusually ill. Sue's sow In this isn't it The pig's not called Sue

No the pig isn't called Sue And she said What would you give me If I cured the sow And the good wife says Well anything you want Anything your ladyships Madam Likes

She actually says And obviously the woman Is pleased to hear this And so she She gets a sort of A little bottle out And pour something on her hands And says the rhyme

Pitterpatter Well I don't know if it's a rhyme but I've pronounced water to rhyme with pitterpatter. Yeah, pitterpatter. Halli water is what it says. So it's like, I don't know, it's Red Bull or something. And she rubs it on the snout and ears and tail of the pig. And almost instantly the pig springs up happy as a plum.

It's cured. And that is the end of the story. Or is it because we don't yet know what the woman in Green is going to ask. What do you think she's going to ask? Ah, yes. As her price for reviving the sow. Oh, I hope it's not the baby, but I've got a feeling it's going to be the blubbing baby. There's the baby.

She wants the baby. Damn it. Wait, she wants the baby because she cured the pick? Yes. Yeah. I don't know. Terrible exchange. It doesn't seem like a good exchange.

Do you think you'd be tricked into giving up your baby, Daisy? Do you think you'd be too smart for that? No, but hear me out. Hang on. If the next sentence starts, I simply. No, no, but hang on, because, right, I recently was travelling on a train and a girl pushed off the train a pram, which had two little twin babies in it, and I jumped and I, like, stopped it from going down the gap, right? Wow, wow. It was very, yeah, literally, it was quite heroic, I hurt my arm, right?

So when I help her get off, and this girl, she wasn't that grateful, she just kind of went, She was only about 18. She could have, oh, thanks, right? Now, we've struggled a bit to have children, so we think we're going to adopt. I think it's only fair. She had twins. I saved them because she was being silly.

In my head, I did have this flash thought. I should get one. And I feel that, come on, she saved the pig. No, James, hear me out. This lady, very kindly, she's got a beaver hat on, a green dress. She's puts a lot of effort into what she does. she did a good job and you didn't agree the terms in advance she said I'll give you anything you know that was silly I wouldn't agree to that

and now she's like all right I just want your baby well she should you know she should have been more clear about what she would and wouldn't give up that's all I'm saying that is fair play but Daisy in relation to that train story you shouldn't have then gone on to curse that woman because if anything bad happens I think it's gonna come back and bite you Yeah.

Guys, I am actually a witch. That's the plot twist. What a reveal. What a Christmas twist. So it's very much, it is, you were talking about it like it was an invoice that a comedian might write and then have to make an effort to get paid. It is like that. Because in the same way you have to write payable buy on invoices if you want to get paid if you're a freelancer.

Yeah. By the law of the fairies, she can't take the baby for three days. And there is a get-out clause. The only way out of this jam for the good wife is if she can tell the green lady her name. And now there's a really long passage that is all in dialect that I'm going to try and read. Daisy, please, forgive me. Scottish people also forgive me, especially Scottish people from like the 19th century. Forgive me.

A wheel, the good wife, a kettle, armpit could sleep name that necht for greeting. And are the next day the same, cuddling had been. until she nears squeezed its breath out. But the second day, she thinks I've taken a walk in the woods, I tell to you all. And say, with the burn in her arms, she sits out and gaze far among the trees where was an old quarry hole,

grown o'er with girths, and a bonny spring well in the middle of it. Before she came very nigh, she hears the burn of a lint wheel, which is like a flax spinning whale. And a voice, lilting a song, say the wife creeps quietly among the bushes and keeks o'er the brew of the quarry,

and what does she see? But the green fairy kemping at her wheel and singing like ony presenter, little kens are good tame at him, that whoopity story is my name. That is what I wouldn't do. If I were rumple stiltskin, and I knew that somebody needed to find out my name,

during the period in which they needed to find it out, I wouldn't be like, oh, learning my name is the thing, for I am Alistair Beck. King, I wouldn't sing a little song with my name in it if I wanted to keep my name a secret, which it might as well be if you are a casting person in television. Yeah, but I... Yeah, take that the industry.

I think you're being quite harsh again on Whippety Story here, because I think whoopity story is clearly giving this woman a sporting chant. She's being kind by singing her name, thinking, you know, I'll let her learn her lesson, that she should be more clear on the terms. of agreements, but I won't actually take her baby because that feels a bit much. Even though, objectively, I think this mum doesn't sound like the best mum, because in that poem, you said she almost squeezed the life out of the baby. I don't have a baby, but even I know that's not what you're meant to do, right?

You don't squeeze them so hard that they, right, so that was silly. And now she's at night just wandering around by a quarry in the woods. Yeah, who's looking after the baby? yeah what yeah so what is the pig in charge like it just feels I think she she took the baby this isn't making her sound better she did take the baby to the quarry yeah that's what I mean though she took the baby to hide it in the quarry but it just feels like a very yeah thank you James yeah just having fun in the quarry yeah at night a disused quarry yes at night yeah with a fairy in it yeah I think the fair

to be fair I think the fair could have got away with it if they didn't follow up by saying that's my name because Wittity Story doesn't sound that much like a name. Which story is just some random noises. Much like Alistair Beckett King. So the good wife is feeling pretty smug now. She goes back

and when the Green Lady, when Wippity Story appears, she pretends not to know the name and she gets down on her knees and begs and says, oh, please take the sow instead. And Wuppity story says, no, I'm not going to take the sow. And then she says, well, take me instead.

And whoopity story is a little bit like, oh, why would I want you? And that really offends the woman whose pride is stung. And so, well, actually, then there's the final line of the story, which Daisy, I think I've sent to you. Perhaps you could read what happens at the very end of the story. Say she bangs off her knees, sets up her mouch croon, and with her twas hands folded afore her, She makes her cutche down to the ground And, in troth fair madam, co she, I may ha had the whip to ken

That the likes of me is now fit to tie The worst shoestrings Or thy heiked and mighty princess, Whippety Story. So is that the woman sassing whoopity story? Yeah, yes. So she sort of said, oh, oh, of course I'm not fit to tie the shoestrings of

if it was like Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney it would be whoopitie story and then the woman's like again if it was anime she'd be to a shocked face but wait a minute

so sorry whoopty story saves her pig then gives her a chance to get her baby back and now she's come back to discuss the final arrangements where the woman could just say oh hey I know your name

it's whoopity story and she go all right cool see you later enjoy the pig but instead she's just sassing her further and being like oh high and mighty aren't we oh aren't we great it's very i hate to say it's very Scottish they do have that element you know the big you are the hard you fall it's a little bit of who does she think she is do you mean it's got like it's a bit over like to save the baby at the end it's a bit over elaborate she's a bit over elaborate she's taking a few chances. Yeah. Like this fairy could have had the baby away quicker than she knows.

She's not, she's obviously not O-Fay with the Faye. No, indeed. And at the sound of her name, the fairy shoots up in the air like a firework, crashes down to the ground and then scrambles off down the bray like a hoolet chased with the witches. And I think a hoolet is an owl. Oh. Hulet.

Like owlet, owlet or hoot. Houtlet? I don't know. Houty, a little hooty gay. A little gay. A wee hooty gay. Oh, the wee hooty gay. And that's a story of... I've just done a Scottish voice first.

Sorry, I'm a least Scottish. I liked it. My thought was very good. That's the story of wuppity studie. That's an excellent story. So Merry Christmas pig to you, James. Oh, Merry Christmas pig. Thank you.

Yes, very piggy. But pig inflected. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the pig wasn't the main character. But it was important. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, yeah. It's evidently more important than the husband.

Yes, it specifically said that she liked the pig more than the husband. That is canon. It says that in the text. James, are you ready to pass judgment? Absolutely. Is my pigtail included in this judgment? Yeah, we just sort of aggregate everything that came up in the episode, really. Yeah, but I'm quite competitive, especially at Christmas. So can I just re-emphasise, James, that my pig apparently had 200 piglets?

Because you mentioned that many times, don't worry. Well, it's just because, no, I, James, I've noticed in past episodes that the amount of pigs becomes really important. Oh, I see. That's a good point. I'll be honest, I thought it was quite a silly scoring system, but all the same I want to win. So I want it on record that my pick had 200 other picks. Made 200 pigs. Yeah, that's a fair point.

That's a very good point. I will bear that in mind. Come on then. me, hit me, what's your first category? Go on then, Daisy. The first category is names. Ah, names. Whippetisturi? That's got to be worth something, James. That's a lovely name. We had the cock-in earlier.

Yep. We did. Yes, of course we did. Mm-hmm. Daisy, did you catch the name of the person who was not very thankful to you on the train? Do we know what her name was? She didn't, do you know what? She was so ungrateful. She didn't even tell me her name. She didn't give you her full name? She didn't, she literally. I say, both of her babies and she just kind of went oh thanks like as if i'd

save worth nothing nothing like it was almost a shrug like oh cheers i think she was a bit overwhelmed to be fair to her but i it does sound like a stressful situation yeah yeah it was stressful but i you know i felt i should have at least got something you know one of her babies maybe maybe a baby yeah maybe a baby um we have what did we have any other names yeah we got kittlrumpet kittal rumpet is love The debatable ground. The debatable ground. Yes.

I think it's high. I think it's got to be a Christmas four. A Christmas four. Pigs out of five. Four pigs out of five. Mm. Pig-shaped spaces. All right.

Yes. It's not bad. Okay. I think we've got a second category for you. Yeah. Hit me. The next category is. Drum roll, please, must I remember. It's supernatural.

It's supernatural. Supernatural. Whoa. Well, there's a fairy, James. There is a fairy. Spinning flax in a quarry. There is a fairy. That's very supernatural.

We did have an elf, a brownie, and the magical power of mistletoe that means you can should kiss someone. Yes. The white misogynist bean that is mistletoe. Can I just say, see these passive aggressive callbacks to my lack of typing ability.

is really giving brownie energy. I think if you were a mythical creature, James, you'd be full brownie. Oh yeah, I'll just tidy up those You would. Some of these typos while you're asleep. Yeah, you would. I just underline them, I'm right, S-P, see me.

Yeah, and this is why you'll never get press ganged because they would let you go. This is why I'm immune. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair enough. Yeah. It's very supernatural.

It's a very, it's a classic stilts rumples. stiltskin type fairy. I think, however, she cured the pig. Yes. Apart from that, she made a threat. With some lynx Africa or something. We don't know what.

I mean, I've got to say oinkment just because I have to get it out of my head. That is literally, that, if you're listening on Christmas Day, you will have heard that joke out of a Christmas crack. today. James, did you save that after we'd scored naming so that it didn't give us an extra point? Have you been sitting on oinkment this whole time?

Well, yes, but also figuratively. She went up like a, she went up like a firework. Yes. And then went off like an owl chased by witches, which are also supernatural. Those are supernatural things. Okay, it's, I mean, it's a good hustle. She also did some singing in a quarry, Which isn't supernatural, but it is strange. Yeah.

It's something Kate Bush might have done. It's got some good resonance, I'm imagining, in that sort of hollowed-out cave fry. Great acoustics. Which would make it doubly scary. Yeah. What was she spinning? Was she spinning like hair into gold or anything?

Stiltskin style. Just flax, I think. Lint, it says. Well, that's pretty magical. Pretty Christmassy. I'd say three, though. Three, okay. It's the potential to just be an elaborate hustle.

Oh, okay. All right. We're going to make it back with this next category, which is what, Daisy? The amount of pigs. Yeah, James, take that. How much pig do we have? So many pig. So many great pig catchphrases in this episode. How many pig do we have? So many pig. So many pig to count.

Speaking like how I write. I'm finding this. It's kind of bullying now, right? I made a couple of typos. Not every mistake I make is a deliberate parody of you, but some of them are. Can I just say? It's a matter of working out with you which. I'm very much enjoying being a guest on your lovely show,

but I'm also enjoying it's very Christmassy because I'm feeling that like Christmas passive aggression. Like I feel like if we were a family, we're now like having dessert and taking small but polite swipes at each other. But that is the Christmas. Christmas spirit and I'm here for it. Yes, yes. This stuffing is a very good recipe when it's cooked well.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Absolutely. What was the, so what is it? Amount of pig. Amount of pig. James, come on. So many porcine.

It's hog heavy. We can't do a bounce back, surely, can we? No, we don't allow bounce backs We can't do Ludo-style bounce-back off five Wait, what's a bounce-back? Well, if you're in Ludo Because we've got like 201 pigs

Yeah So if we count up to five And then came back And then came back down We'd be at like minus No Ludo and you've got to get into the base at the end You've got to get your little person into the base

But if you roll a six You bounce back out No, I'm not accepting this Because what's the most no it's a hard no from me what's the most pigs you've had on Christmas pig it's got to be less than 200 in the past

well I think we've answered our own question 202 yeah yeah actually answered could you get your grammar right thank you but in big trouble pig trouble but that's the most pigs and I feel like I'm coming on

a relatively late Christmas like you've had previous Christmas episodes, Christmas pigmases, you must have thought, oh no, Daisy's coming on, we're going to run out of pigs. And then I thought, we won't have 203. Yeah, 203 pigs now we've got. So I think that should, I'm now talking, I'm now talking like how I type. I think that should be the ultimate like pigmas winner. Yeah, ultimate. It's a, it's a pigmas, merit. Do they know it's pygmus? Yeah.

Pigs themselves? Do the pigs know? Do the pigs know it's Pigs? I don't know if I have a concept. What's the maximum score you can give, James, for Pigs? Well, I think we should have that. Yeah, I think you should too, actually. Yes.

Jingle those bells, we did it. Final category. Yes. Settling scores. Settling scores. Because I'm starting to think the only reason. you agreed to come on a podcast was so that you could settle some

scores with me. Yes. And if anything, we've only added more beef to the platter. To the, ironically, at Christmas pig. I suppose it should have been pork, ideally, but he should have been. The thing is, I came on him wanting to settle scores with beef, with just Alistair.

I now have scores to settle on a future date with both of you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought I was on your side or something. You were sometimes, but then you also, you were very vocal about my typos. Look, I was sight reading. Yeah, well, what can I do? It just felt, you're, didn't you say you went to drama school?

You're not an actor, James? Yeah, but they only taught us sight reading. They didn't teach us grammar. I feel, yeah, I feel a professional actor, though, would have, or a more professional actor would have gone, this script is terrible. It makes no sense. but the writer is in the room. I want this part on the Daisy Earl folklore audio book.

I'm going to correct it as I go and not even notice it rather than really emphasise the mistakes. I think, unfortunately. Can I say, Jench, have you noticed how Daisy is actually using the category settling scores to settle some scores? To create and settle more schools. Now, that is great work. You've got to admit.

I would like a bonus point. Thank you all. There's the lady on the train. with the, with, who selfishly kept both her children. Rude. It's just very tactless, I think, in that situation. Yeah, 100%. There's the, of course, there's the, the lady in green

who's got a score to settle with the good wife of Kiddlerumpet. Yeah. But you mean the good wife's got some scores to settle with the old press gangers? With the breast gang, yeah, exactly. That baby can't, can't have been, that's not the best start in life that baby's had. No, the baby's going to grow up with a chip on its shoulder. Yeah.

And quite. a ditsy mother. Yes, absolutely. Traipsing around a quarrys at night, yeah. I'm going to put you in somewhere safe. The disused quarry? It is like one of those quizzes you do when you're sort of teenagers and they're sort of

teaching you about the facts of life and stuff like, would it be a good place to take a baby? Should we go to the quarry or is it better because it's disused? It's not in use. would it be perfect? So it's safe. It's disused.

Yeah, okay. James, just think about what will happen if you don't give us five out of five for settling scores. Think of the long-term beef consequences of that. I think, though, Alistair, so many new scores have been created this episode and frankly not settled, that I think it's going to be a four out of five. because all these new schools that need settling. You will regret this moment, James. Mark my words.

I curse you and all of your livestock, especially the ones that are sickly and old. Whereas I wish you well, I will not bring any ill repute onto myself, James. Don't worry about it, we're all fine. And that is how the witches would have survived. You're popping some bread in a glass to raise to me. Thank you, James.

That is how we raise a toast. Thank you. I will say, James, I like you again now. By messaging me an article about how that was real. So some people are saying it's real. Some scores were already settled. I don't know. You can take Daisy's evidence or you can take my gut feeling that it isn't real.

And, you know, it's your choice. Well, thank you very much, Daisy, for coming on. and creating and settling scores. Thank you for having me. I've actually had a lovely time. It's been a delightful crisp pigmus treat. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you both.

It was lovely to see you. Is there anything you'd like to plug while you're here, while you have the porcine ears of our listeners? No. Not that up. Our listeners don't have piggy ears. They can follow me on social media

at Daisy Old Comedy and then find out in a new year what I'm up to when I'm, know because it's Christmas and I'm having a rest. Yeah, it's not a great time for admin. Do you mean? Just leave me alone, frankly, Alistair. I don't know.

Come on here. I'll settle my scores. I shouldn't have to be productive and know what I'm doing next year. I might do Edinburgh. I might not. Just follow my socials and you'll know. Stop pressuring me. Okay.

All right. More scores to settle. This feels an awful lot like when a parent asks you how your career is going over Christmas dinner and you're like fine actually but can I have a day off do you know what my favourite thing because you've learned through this episode that I'm quite a vengeful person do you know what my favourite thing to do is because I've noticed that lots of middle age men love to ask me why I'm not on TV as if I'm like just turning it down all the time like oh it's just not for me life at the what no no thank you um master sounds sexist yeah no it's task mistress I just wasn't into it

the producers keep calling, I keep saying no. So whenever they ask me that, I always ask them why they think they weren't CEO. I was like, why do you think when you retired you didn't get to like CEO? Because I'm very vengeful. Are you going to release the book, though? The folklore book. Well, once I've got it heavily edited, then. I think maybe there should be a little bit of proof rating.

It's good to go. What's the title? Does they have a title? Well, no, because I wrote it for my husband's birthday, and I call my husband Bear. It's currently called Bear's Book of Folklore, which is very niche. It's very specific to us. I think if I was going to do it for a mass market, I would do two things. One, I would get someone to proofread it, like Alistair says, writes it properly.

And then I'd get an illustrator, because James, you were also a little bit sassy about my art ability. So, you know, fun uncles I never wanted. That's how I feel about this Christmas. I feel you want what's best for me and sometimes you're just too direct and I'm fine with it. I think we've never felt more like a folklore settler and Waldorf. Merry Pygmas.

I am full of the pigs of Pygmas right now. And there's some offcuts from those pigs. That sounds bad. At patreon.com forward slash Lawmenpod where you will get bonus materials and you'll also get access to the lawfolk Discord. You know what? Thank you very much to Daisy for coming to tell us those beautiful things and letting us look at her.

To be honest, quite a private gift. Yeah, it was very, very nice for to show us that. Thank you to all the people that already do support us, of course, and thank you to Lawrence for editing this episode. Cheers, Lawrence, and Christmas pig to you. Christmas pig to you all. Christmas pig, one and all. And Hogg bless us, everyone.

I just forget to say that for you. Well, all I'm saying is this book is made with love, but not necessarily fact-checking. I'm not going to tear the book apart. I'm going to be very nice about the book, don't know. Imagine if that's why you brought it. me on here to do it. Well, well, Daisy.

What's all this? Oh, hi there, listener. It's Alistair from Lawmen. I just wanted to let you know that tickets are on sale now for my 2026, 26 tour of the UK. It's called King of Crumbs, and I'm bringing it to a town near you. If you live in Shrewsbury or Shrewsbury,

Lester, Brighton, Portsmouth, Frume, Oxford, Cardiff, Exeter, Taunton, Plymouth, Bristol, Coventry, Glasgow, Belfast, Liverpool, Barnard Castle, Newcastle, Canterbury, Sheffield, Chelmsford, Birmingham, Maidston, Norwich, Leeds, Manchester, Colchester, Cambridge, Swindon, Salisbury, Aldershot, or indeed, London Town, old London, search for King of Crumbs, or go to Abeckettking.com forward slash gigs.