Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep48 - 2025 Almanac Part 1

Episode Date: January 1, 2026

It's time for the annual Loremen misunderstanding of how countdowns work! We've selected the top ten* moments from 2025, as voted for by the Lorefolk. Part 1 of this year's Almanac is more of a Jamesmanac, as Shakeshaft delivers hit after hit. Roman robots! Man-faced pigs! Two Jesuses? The featured episodes are: The Legends of Lullingstone Valentine's Special 2025 with Jenny Collier The Roman Robot of Cirencester The Man-Faced Pigs of Brussels Vicky's Ticker Somerset Sects Witches of Essex with Joel Morris * Actually fifteen. Join us LIVE in Leicester on the 7th February 2026 (2026)! Thanks to our editors over the year, Joe and Laurence. And thanks to you, the lovely Lorefolk! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hi there, listener. It's Alistair from Lawmen. I just wanted to let you know that tickets are on sale now for my 2026, 2026 tour of the UK. It's called King of Crumbs, and I'm bringing it to a town near you. If you live in Shrewsbury, Shrewsbury, or Shrewsbury, Portsmouth, Lester, Lestor, Pry, Portsmouth, Oxford, Oxford, Portsmouth, Oxford, Oxford, Liverpool, Barnard, Newcastle, Canterbury, Manchester, Cambridge, Swindon, Salisbury, Aldershot, or indeed, London Town, Old London. For King of Crumbs, or go to Abeckettking.com forward slash gigs. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alastair Beckett King. And this is the annual Almanac, which is kind of a best-of show. So, if you're new to the podcast, I this this is this is as good as it gets yeah this is literally the best bits

enjoy very short episode Well, I think we've started, so we should probably welcome the listener. Hello, listener. Hi, listener. It's the Lawman Almanac of 2025, or whichever order I normally say those words in. The Lawman 2025 Almanac? Yeah, recorded during the festive Interregnum. Exactly.

It's that bit between Christmas pig and Plow Monday, where you just lose track of days. Did you have a lovely Christmas pig, Alistair? It was a fine, a fine and festive hog. Thank you very much, James. How was yours? Yeah, wonderful. Wonderful. I don't think actual pigs would be happy about how many sausages and bacon that I ate, to be honest.

They'd be very disappointed to learn those numbers. I made a little joke on the blue sky. Oh. Because it was, my life was reminding me of, it reminded me of when people complain about TV shows not moving the plot forwards in reviews. Because it's just like every day is the same. I'm not really doing anything. And there's just plot holes because I keep saying I'm not going to eat any more snacks.

And then in the next scene, I'm eating more snacks. So it's like, so what's going on here? Oh, no. Yes. Was it basically a bunch of bottle episodes back to back that had no bearing on the greater heart? Yeah, exactly. The same bottle episode. And what I was doing was sitting down and watching TV. Oh, nice.

Did you have any Christmas highlights? You know what? I watched Mark Gators' BBC ghost story for Christmas of the year. Yes. It was all right. It was good. It was good. It was basically radio on television.

And I think that's the reason it worked quite nicely. But they seem to be really pushing it this year because it's the only program they made seemingly. I think so. There's no sitcoms. There's no Wallace, no grommet. No. There's nothing. There's no doctors.

There's no who's. So they were like, what have we got? That ghost story for Christmas? The thing that costs £5.60? The Margatis made. Yeah, put it on. And it's quite good. Well done.

Well done everyone involved. I watched that too with my mother-in-law who has provided some pronunciations for the podcast. So she is technically a friend of the show. But she's very easily scared and she had to leave the room. Really? She was frightened. For being too scared. Oh, by Joanna Lumley's, well, there are no spoilers, but.

Yeah, I tricked her into it with the, by luring her in with Lumley, but then, yeah, she was too scared. You lured with Lumley? I lured with Lumley. And, yeah, but yeah, she had to go. She had simply had to go. And then I did read a review the next day about it that was like, it was really good, but perhaps a little scary for the little ones. What time did they air it?

Was it? It was like 10 p.m. Oh, 10 p.m. The little ones should be in bed. The little ones, including the mother-in-law. Yes. So obviously, at this time, it's a time to reflect back on the year. Yeah, and not bother recording any new stories.

Well, this is new. This bit's new where you hear that we watched a ghost story for Christmas, something, to be fair, you could have worked out if you've ever listened to this show. And the ones when they showed all the repeats like two nights before of the previous years. Yeah. I watch them as well. Mm-hmm. Also scary.

But what I've done is I popped a bunch of polls in the lawfolk discord to get the opinions of the hardened law folk of what have been the top 10 episodes of the year. Yeah, and these folk are not easily impressed. They've seen it all. You can't just put a pig in an episode and expect them to cheer Christmas. Actually, they do do that. They do that. Maybe they are quite easily pleased. nonetheless.

Spoiler, yes. The one Christmas pig-themed one that was eligible is in the top ten. Mm. And when I say top ten, I do, of course, mean top 15. Of course. Of course.

If you've listened to any of the recent almanacs, you'll know that the numbering system is all out of whack. Big time. Well, what'd you do? There's a few draws. There's a few, you know, there's a few that got the same amount of votes.

So surely they're in the same place, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, obviously it would be nuts to just pick one of them and then do 10. We'd better do 15 in the top 10. I can't dig it. How are we going to... Well, this is just the first half of the Almanac, James.

So this is just the first five. Or to put it another way, seven. That takes us to... Of the top 10 slash 15. Which is the rundown from 10 to 8, which is, of course, as everyone knows, seven. Okay. Should we get straight into the first one? This is...

What can I say up front? I'm looking at the list of the storytelling. Tellers, it is a shake shaft heavy year. James has been doing a lot of heavy lifting on the podcast lately. Shake shaft came in with a lot of winners this year. I think it's a draw. Overall, I think it, I know what to spoil it, but I think it's a draw between me and you and guest. Okay. So if I've got the guests on my side.

Yeah, the guests will count for you, I think. Hmm. And because sometimes, like, I've just labelled them as guest. It might have been that one of us actually brought the story. and the guest was just there for a bit of flavour, you know, the spice commentator or whatever it's called. Okay, but I remember the episodes and it wasn't like that. But it doesn't matter.

The point is it's Christmas and Christmas is a time when you tell the truth. Is that true? Only in the film actually. I must have complained about that before on this podcast. Nobody has ever said that. That's not a saying or a phrase. No, it isn't. Come on.

Christmas is the time where you try to steal your best friend's bride. Yeah. And if it is a time when you tell the truth, you can't also lie and say it's Carol Singers. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, think it through. This is as inconsistent as a Christmas episode of the Alistair Beckett King sitcom, which is called, I don't know, is it called Beckett King? The Christmas episode could be like King of Kings. Because of Jesus. Beckett King of King, yes. As in brackets, as in Jesus.

As in Jesus, yeah. Well, coming in at number 10, it is an Alistair Beckett King fronted episode. Is it? It is. It's the legends of Lullingstone. The lovely legends of lovely Lullingstone. And the listeners that picked that out sighted, in particular, Colonel Meets is haunting.

Of course, Colonel Meets. Because if we can't have a pig, we can at least have Colonel Meets. And, and I'm not. I'm guessing this was a Roman, Titus manilus. Oh, I think it was manlius. Manlius, it's a typo. Is it a typo's manliest? The manliest typos.

James's masculine fingers are so beefy that he just mashes the keys. It's amazing. My colonel meets, as I call them. Let's have a listen to him. And according to The Gentleman's Magazine, 1820, which you have raised an eyebrow app before. Mm-hmm. And safe search.

Oh. Just a very ordinary magazine for gentlemen. And ordinarily found in a railway siding. According to an 1820 edition of the gentleman's magazine, at Lullingstone were discovered 300 skulls. Whoa. That's too many skulls. I'm not quite sure if they were Viking skulls or if they were the work of Danes.

So I don't know if it was just left behind by the Vikings. Well. I can't find any evidence. anywhere else about 300 schools being found there. It's a lot. That's too many. Especially just skulls. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's also a very good point. Yeah, very weird. It seems too many. It's too many. The chimera, which, to be honest, only had one too many skulls. Any amount of too many. That's your basic two-for-one, but 300, too many. Yeah, come on.

Skulls, everyone's got one. Yes, exactly. It's another way of putting that well-known phrase that explains why this is so unlikely. Scull me once, normal me. Scall me 300, the police are getting involved. Yeah, absolutely unreasonable. Now, while we're talking about Romans, quite unrelated to this journey,

I stumbled over the work of a man called Hendrik Goltzius. Do you know this guy? No, but I like the name. He was an engraver, and he published a piece called The Roman Heroes in 1586. Now, I have, I believe, sent you four envelopes with four of Hendrik Goltzius's drawings, which are various Roman heroes, the listener can't see them. So I don't know how to put this. They're real muscle boys. Oh, which envelope am I supposed to be looking up first? Open the first envelope first. Is that the first one you sent me? The rear view. In WhatsApp. Yes, absolutely.

Now that, James, the first, if you're opening the first envelope there, you are looking at Titus Manlius. It is a Titus. Yes. And could you describe for the listener what you're, what you're seeing there. Well, it is. At a very basic level, it's a, it's a fellow on a horse. Yeah. They're both got their back to the camera. I think it may be an ass, but that might just be because the donkey's behind or the horse is behind is so prominent in the future. Yeah. It's quite vainy as well, which you don't often see in a bum. I don't know if the list, if the listener or James, if you're familiar with the work of Tom of Finland, it's very like that guy was a 16th century engraver and had to do Roman heroes instead of sort of

Leather bikers. Is, and the fellow, I mean, okay, I'm just concentrating on the horse's bottom, because that is what the artist clearly concentrated on. It's, that's front and center. You can see the horses, you can see that the horse is a boy horse, if you know what I mean. He's, he's dragging some stones there, yes. And the horse, and the horse is looking around coquettishly as well. Yes, the horse is making eye contact with the viewer.

whereas Titus Manlius is just looking off into the distance. And that's the guy on the horse. Wearing, I think, chaps or hot pants. I can't work out what, because it's all in black and white. I can't work out what's clothing. Yeah. It looks like he just has a, like a, basically looks like he's sat on a towel and then is naked otherwise.

And the muscles on this fella, the mussels on this guy's back. Yeah. They've got muscles on muscles. If you like that guy, check out the next image. This is, and I don't know about the pronunciation. here. This is Publius Horatius. No. No. Or Publius. I don't know.

Oh, this is a mustachioed man. Good old moustache there. He's holding his sword aloft. Again, not eunphemism. He has what I'm, I think is maybe a 12-pack? Yeah. Yeah, his stomach looks like a neatly arranged load of big pebbles. He is strong.

He's got knee muscles. The people from the north-east of England, don't be confused. Yeah, it's the opposite of what you're thinking. This guy has canny muscles. Yes. Allow me to translate. Canny muscles on his knees. And shall I open the third envelope?

And the third image, this is the not-so-nosely named Mukius Scavola. Ooh. You think he's wearing shoes, but he's actually just wearing ankle bracelets and then bare feet. Yeah, he's got like little sort of neckerchiefs, but tied around his colour. So calf, ankle chiefs. And a little dragon on his head. Yeah. And his moustache, he's got an elaborate facial hair that makes him look a little like a cat person. Yeah. And again, muskles on muskles. And the final guy, and I admit this guy is mainly in it for the name Horatius cockles. Hey! Whoa. Or Horatius cockles. I don't know

how that should be pronounced. What, this, again, again, he's got rib muscles, this one. They are But what's good is they're not skinny waifs. No, no. They are, are they beach body ready? They're sort of war body ready. They're all in martial poses. You know, you sort of hear about like the gladiators from days of Roman were quite chunky. From the 90s, yes.

It were quite chunky so that it kind of, that was sort of like a built-in padding. Yeah. So if you got sliced that by a sword, it wouldn't get your muscles. straight away. Oh, no. If you hit these guys with a sword, it would just ping off, wouldn't it? Pong! They just deflect it. Definitely. And this, I mean, you'll be able to see, if we go to the YouTube channel and we'll put the pictures up at the appropriate point in the video, if they get passed. There's no way. There's no way. We are going to be censoring the flip out of these. There is one that I haven't sent you of Hercules. Oh. Really small winky. That's all I can say.

Was it cold out Hercules? I assume it was that day. Yeah. So that's the one thing that makes it different from Tom of Finland's work. Right. But it does feel like, you know, this guy, Hendrik Goltzius, he had his interests. Definitely. Definitely. He knew what he liked. And he liked what looked to be 19 feet tall, beefy guys.

Yeah, he's certainly got a type. So we don't know of any of these guys. I mean, these are all historical figures. So we probably know for certain that they didn't live at Lillingstone, Roman Villa. But I just wanted an excuse to say, Titus Manlius. Yes, definitely. Thank you for sharing those with me. You're very welcome.

And yeah, there's no way they're getting through the censors. But the South Tower is the haunted one, and it's haunted by the specter of Colonel Meets. Meets. Sorry, did you say a platter of cold meats? No, I said the specter of Colonel Meets, M-E-A-T-E-S, a totally normal name that I've never heard before. Meets.

Is he the inspiration? Is he ever hook up with Colonel Mustard? That sounds like a fine brunch Sounds like a picky tea Yeah, like for boxing day Nothing's hot It's just all cold But there's a

Yeah, lovely He died in his chair in 1985 So fun time's over But he hasn't left the castle He appears And he appears according to Tom In stages The first stage

Is the fried breakfast stage. Yeah? It's a very meat-based haunting. Yeah. That's where I think it's going, is the second one in a sandwich. The scent,

the scent of cooking bacon, the scent of cooking meat, meets meats. No. We'll start to wafts through the room, even though nobody is actually cooking breakfast. And the subsequent stages, for some reason,

don't have names, but for somebody names and capitalizes the fried breakfast stage, and it doesn't name the subsequent stages, but they appear to be the cigar, smoking stage. Again, what killed him in 1985 remains a mystery. Okay, so there's breakfast meat,

smoked meat. Smoky meat. Yeah, so I think, I imagine the blue smoke. Did he die in a chair or did he just go a bit green and they chucked him away? Oh. Sorry, as a vegan, you won't get that joke. Actually, the correct way to eat Colonel

Meets is raw. It's very good for your libido. That's not a callback, because we haven't said that yet. That's a call forward. That's going at the end. That's a call forward. And the final stage, its Colonel Meads actually appearing to you,

which has never happened to Tom, but supposedly he has actually manifested there in the South Tower. Just leaving a greasy red to the Jew. Titus Manlius, yeah, that was a good name. Coming in also at number 10. Yeah. What have we got, James? Just after number 10.

We've got another number 10. It's number 10. And it's a guest episode. it's the Valentine's special with Jenny Collier, Valentine's friend of the show. Of course, of course. I'm not surprised at all to see Jenny in the top 10 slash 15. I can't remember anything about this episode,

if I'm perfectly honest at the moment. It was too long ago. It was a, was this, this was the one where there was like a lot of people travel into different villages, and it was the guy where he made his wife go on a horse ahead of him and stuff. Oh yes, it was a very romantic medieval romance

where he was horrible to his girlfriend. Yes. Didn't a lot of horses get slaughtered? I think a few horses died in this. I think horse murder or horse peril was quite a feature of 2025. You know, when people look back on the year for lawmen, it was sadly a bad year for the horses.

It was a terrible year for our four-legged friends, brackets, not dogs. Yeah, the other ones, the bigger ones. them are large four-legged friends She bumps into a, a knight, enormous in size, Auburn Head, bare-legged, noble squire. Bare-legged squire? Yeah, so a shorts-wearing 90servid dude

called Geraint. Geraint. And he's got a gold-hilted sword, brocaded silk boots of cuddered. Dover and leather. Remember them? Yes. Horsebum, right? Horsebum, yeah, yeah. Horsebum, yeah. And a mantle of blue purple with a golden apple in each corner. Oh, what's a mantle? Wait a minute. Doesn't that go over a fire? Yeah, imagine how tough he would be to be holding a whole marble mantel piece on his shoulders with an apple balance on either end, James. He'd just been to the Met Gala.

And so Guenhuvar is like, oh, I recognize you the moment I saw you, because you're the mantelpiece that you're wearing, it's just your vibe. And then he's like, they didn't wake me up either. So it's a little bit like they've just been left out. So the two of them are like, right, let's go and do this hunt. It's a classic meat cute. Yeah, well, those two aren't going to get it on. But they're like.

Oh, is that Gwen Iver. Gwen I'm so hard to remember how to say her name, Gwenhuivar. Gwen Huiver. I'm going to just not remember. it, I think. I'll just not remember. And you just say it differently every time. Have you seen those, the TikToks of people trying to read? And then when you

forget, when you can't pronounce the name, and so you're like, and then you walked up to and then, so in your head, that's how you read it. So they're like, right, we can just enjoy the hunt just as easily without actually being there, because we'll hear when the hounds are released and they do the

and so we can just like join the hunt from like a far and our Yeah, yeah, we've got the hunt at home. We don't need to be there on the hunt. We could just hear the events of the hunt, like listening to football on the radio. And so they're like, right, we're going to listen to this hunt, and they're there with their maiden, like a maid servant of Gwynhiver's.

And then while they're going along, they come across a dwarf, a knight and a lady. All on horseback. It's the original odd triple. Odd triple. On Thruple. Thruple. Oh, that is a really good idea for a film.

You should make a film called The Odd Thruple. The original Arthruple. Can I tell you, I went to a pop quiz last week with my two friends, Caitlin and Caitlin, who are married to each other. What? I guess it isn't confusing for them. It's not confusing. They do sound like a law firm.

No, sorry, Caitlin. Caitlin, I'm having a pop at you. I'm not even trying an egg you. Well, we called our team name Thrupple Threat. Oh, great name. Thanks. Very nice. And when they called it out at the end, all the other tables were like,

what's going on over there? Anyway, sorry, the odd Thruple Dwarf Knight and the lady, and Guan however, it was like, right, go and find out who they are. Because the knight is so, they can't recognise them because he's got such a large amount of armour and helmet-traum. is unrecognisable. So she sends her maiden to go and ask her they are. And the dwarf is like, I will not tell you who the knight is.

The maiden goes, well, I'll just go and ask him myself then. And the dwarf goes, no, you won't because you're not of the status that is proper to talk to him, basically saying she's too lowly. And then she points her horse towards the knight like she's going to go to the night. and the dwarf whips her in the face and eyes until her face bleeds. And so she goes back to them and she's like, this is what just happened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. This isn't very romantic so far.

No, no. No. No. Did you not hear about the oddthruple? I forgot about that. We all enjoyed that. Geraint goes, sorry, I'm on first syllable terms with him already, Geraint goes up and does, has the same interaction with the dwarf and the dwarf whips him in the eyes as well. This is like a David Lynch film in honour of the late David Lynch more than it is romantic story of Welsh legend.

This is horrible. Yeah, it is quite horrible. And he can't even get his revenge once that's just happened because he's not wearing any armour. He's still in his shorts, probably. And fireplace. Yeah, he's like, I can't go up there with my mantelpiece aloft. A Hawaiian fireplace.

He's a surfer because he's a surfer. So then he's like, right, I'm going to deal with this once I've got some armour on. So he goes, I'm not going to test myself against the night until I've got armour. So they go into a town nearby, follow the thruple, and they see that the thruple get like a really rousing welcome from all the town's folk. And all the shops and buildings are full of people burnishing sorts. swords and polishing shields. And they're like, what the devil's going on here? The hunt is completely forgotten at this point.

They've forgotten about the hunt. And now their main interest is finding out who this mystery night is. It's getting revenge and getting an apology from this guy. So just so I understand, who got whipped in the face? Geraint and the maid servant. Gwynhinvar. Oh, Gwynhvars' maid servant. I forgot that there was a maid servant.

Right. So Gwynnevere, if you prefer to call her, is thus far unwipped in the face. Actually, she remains unwipped in the face. She gets quite an easy ride in this story. Spoiler alert. And so they find one place in the town that isn't full and that will let them in. And it's really dilapidated. It's a dilapidated hall with a grey-haired man who said that, well, you can come in here.

And then there's a kind of elderly woman who is like, oh, she, you can tell that she used to be hard. fit. Sorry, it says that in the Mabinoggi on, but you can tell she used to be fit. You can tell, I can't remember the exact words, but it's like, you could tell that in the flourishes of use that she would have got it. I think that's Cliff's notes. But then the child, the, but it's not child, she's a young woman who's the child of those two people, he describes, he's never seen any maiden more perfect as regards

beauty and elegance and grace. than she. And that is such a chortle review of the thing where you can't quote it. It's not expressed with the fiery passion of the heart to be like, she's fairly attractive v. Alfie, the face, and also with regards to the body. Personality-wise, well, you be the judge. Oh, there's no mention of the personality. It read like a form. It was a very crowd-pleasing face.

Three and a three point five The useless point five Worth nothing to anyone Make it tense Dave And then The man says to his daughter There is no groom for this squire's horse Tonight apart from you

And she says I shall give the best service that I can Both to him and his horse Wait did she say in the voice that you used there Is that accurate? Did she say it as sorcery as that? Well, I mean, she could have said it in a, I shall give him the best service that I said.

No, both to him and his horse. No, he still came out really saucy. It's impossible to say it not saucy. It's a saucy in every voice. James, you say it. Is it still a saucy when you said? Well, I shall give him the best. I shall give him and his horse quite the seeing too.

It's gone a bit weird towards the end. I shall give his horse quite a service. These are now the three voices I'm using in my head for this role. Let me do one more. Let me do the North Wales accent because that might be the accent that was done in, maybe.

I shall give the best service that I can both to him and his horse. Okay, that's completely asexual. Yeah, that was not sexy in the slightest. Well done. That's like, yeah, my saddle's going to be gleaming and I don't mean that as a euphemism. I don't, I'm not going to mince words here.

I think that's the least sexy thing we've had on the podcast. And that is a hotly contested field. I think we got a new, we sort of got a new pet for Christmas. We got a, what? My brother-in-law bought the children a drone. You mean a sort of clone who serves them?

Like a little buzzy, you know, a little buzzy thing. Oh, but it has like a follow, but it's genuinely quite terrifying because you can, you can, you sort of interact with it through your phone and you can, and it has like a little plus sign on people and you click on that and it just locks on to them and follows them round. It follows that person? Yeah, it's really harrow. Like their kids were like having fun running around and we were,

all the greatos were like, oh, cool. And then for like two seconds, like, oh gosh. Yeah, I don't like that at all. No, it's harrowing. But it is a, if you think of it is having a friendly pet, then it's all right for a minute. Yeah, just some great Christmas present if you don't think about it at all.

Yeah. Which actually brings us to the next, actually. I did not mean to do that. But we've got a number nine. You've teared it, a bright nice. I did. In at number nine. A joint number nine again, of course.

Oh, of course it is. Of course. It's the Roman robot of sirencester. My first category is naming. Well, what was the name of that guy, that quest-giving gentleman in the local inn with the gun, and I assume a shock of hair, and a white streak? Bull-strowed white-lock.

I didn't even realize why I thought he had a white streak in his hair. It's because he's that, oh, by the way. It's nominative determinism, hair determinism. He was in the gang of Lord Love Lace. Ooh. Yes. Who else have we got? We've got Torborough Hill.

Yep, great. Hill, Hill, Hill. Hill, Hill. We've got Sirencester. Tor, Tor, Tor. Yeah, we've got Scyrinscester, which is unusually spelt the way it sounds. Yep. R.E.F. Chedworth.

Chedworth, Roman Villa. Which sounds like it should be like a summarized pizza cats thing, but that also doesn't quite scan. Colton's Field, the name of the broadsheet, a strange and wonderful... Ghost in Chadworth, Roman Villa. Ghosts in Chadworth, Roman Villa. Ghosts in Chedworth, Roman Villa.

with Rom and Villa. Automatum with a truncheon. Gotta run now. Very good. Autumn, automat. I can't say it. Yeah, you did put the stress on automaton wrong, but you needed to do it for the meter, James.

Automaton. But that's like... I don't think normally you would say turtles on a half shell. Heroes in a half shell. Heroes on a half shell. Yeah, because it's like a full shell. That's what a shell is. I think, but they're referencing Venus in the half shell.

The Botticelli painting. I beg your part, because of the Renaissance connection, because of the Renaissance connection. I assume so, yeah. Alistair, you've just blown this case wide open. Unfortunately, in this case, it was a turtle. That was disgusting. This case was a turtle. If I can't have a turtle on a half shell, no one can.

Is that what, that? I assume it's a reference to Botticelli's Venus. If anyone else has ever thought that. then please let us know. I thought it's because they were turtles. But they have a full shell, though. They don't have half a shell, did they? Yeah, I know, but I think the guy was like,

well, they've just got a shell on their back, we're like, that's what a shell is. That is what turtles are like. Yes. Anyway, there's also the name of the broadsheet, a strange and wonderful discovery, newly made of houses underground at Colton's Field in Gloucestershire, Shire.

Yes, someone was being paid by the word in that headline. Have you heard the news? news? No. It's like a clickbait article, isn't it? There must have been a time, like we've gone full circle headline-wise. We've gone back to really long ones, whereas there was a brief time where it was like, you know, short, pithy to the point, two to three words in big. Yeah, the rules used to be that you put all the information up top and they sort of

wrote it backwards. So if you only read the first bit, you've got basically the gist of what happened. But now stories are, or, you know, That headline is more like the modern ones where, you know, like, I was in a restaurant waiting to meet the person and yeah, yeah, I'm going to be it's going to be ages before the story starts in this news article. Yeah, I was digging gravel at the bottom of the hill

with my friend. We didn't believe what we were going to find. Right, so yeah, those are most of the names. One weird secret. Roman automata don't want you to know. Guards of ancient hordes hate them. You won't believe what this furniture turned into when we touched it. And you're looking like,

yeah, I do believe it actually. I knew it was really dust. It's bloody dust. Ah, you got me. So for names? Only people with a high IQ can get into this barrow. Sorry, yeah, names. I've forgotten.

I was just thinking about it. Single Roman automaton's in your area. All right, four, four. Four single Roman automaton's in your area, even though there probably aren't that many. No, there was, It was one. That was a good one, a very unusual tale.

Very unusual. I liked that one a lot. I like that idea of the eternal flame. That's not even the... Don't worry, that's not going to get us any copyright strikes because it's not the tune of that song or any song. But yeah, that idea that people had that Romans had an eternal flame, which nowadays we think, you might think, oh, that's a bit silly

that people thought people in the past had crazy technology that they don't have nowadays. Then you pop on the history channel. Yeah, a lot of people do think that. Like, oh, people just still think that. It's very studio jibbley, I thought. Maybe I said that in the episode, but I was visualising the robot from Leputa the whole time.

Oh, yeah, the big long-arm guy. Yeah, I love that guy. We don't need to bleep that, by the way, for Spanish listeners. That's the name of the island Yeah Take it up with Dean Swift Dean Swift

What's he getting involved? The other Dean Swift Jonathan Swift who wrote Gulliver's Travels And named the island Laputa And was he a dean He was a dean, yeah

Of it like a college Or his name is Dean? A church I think Yeah so I think his nephew Dean Swift I think they were being a bit cheeky there Because he was known as Dean Swift So I think that

I've subsequently learned Since Dean Swift Appeared on our podcast. When people refer to Dean Swift, they're usually talking about Jonathan Swift, I think. Oh, really? I think. Is there time to check? No, we're in the middle of an almanac. Yeah. I'm normally thinking of a scallywag who's very fast. Yeah, well, that is Dean Swift. That is Dean Swift to me. Doing donuts in the car park. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, exactly. On the topic of Lawman bleeding into real life, I was listening to the Restis History podcast. You might not have heard of it.

little underground, little podcast. But they had, they were doing a series on Jack T. Ripper, Jack the Ripper, actually. And they talked about the tabloid press at the time. And a lot of it was our friend, fiend of the show, W.T. Stead. Of course, yeah, W.T. Stead. So every time they mentioned him, I thought, what the Stead? Did they say, what the Stead?

Did they do that joke and then run it right into the ground? No. That doesn't sound like the kind of podcast I would like. No, no, me neither. I think they missed a trick there in their five-part series. And were there actually just five parts and not seven? Yes, there weren't like four parts that were all the same number. You're having to pop up my ranking system again, Alistair, are you?

Yes, I was. And now... In number also nine. Yeah. Wait, there's three nines. I'm just looking ahead on the spreadsheet. It's a classic 999. The second nine.

The second of three nines, yes. Guest presenter Michael Burke on presenting the 999. Okay, so a bit of a recency effect here, perhaps. It's one of our most recent episodes. Yes. But it was a good one. I think it was the most recent episode that was eligible for the almanac. It's the man-faced pigs of Brussels.

And I think in particular it's the bouncy church section, which is a personal highlight. I really did enjoy that. It did enjoy the bouncy church. And your notes have just got Brussels snouts written on it. I don't remember the context for that, but it's delightful. That was a joke provided by a listener, I think in the comments section of one of the podcast platforms. Very good. Because I think this one we had an addendum where a joke that we'd forgotten to put in,

We popped it in. Well, loonily, there's Christmas. Yes. And then a listener supplied us with what would have been the ultimate, probably best category that we'd have ever done. It's probably good that we didn't say Brussels snouts because we would have had to shut the podcast down there. Yep, that would have been the end of it.

So she suggested he builds a small shrine on his land to worship at and ask for forgiveness. And so he built a little, as it's described, here, he made quick work of building the prayer house, which is kind of a, I mean, that is what a church is, I suppose. And he fell to his knees and begged for forgiveness. It's called a prayer house in America, but in the UK, it would be called a prairie castle. A prayer, prairie, praying castle? Yeah, that's all right.

By the way, they called them bounce house and we call them bouncy castle? Oh, no. I thought it was because of Englishmen's prayer house is his prayer castle. He could work. The American's bouncy, the Englishman's bouncy house is his bouncy castle. Yeah, that's all right, yeah. So he prayed and he prayed, and when he looked at the pig, he had a normal judgmental pig face.

Oh, good, and not a human's face. Not a human's face. So I'm getting the impression that maybe the pigs didn't actually transform, and perhaps it was his perception of the pigs. Mm-hmm. Yeah? And his guilt for his behavior. The man-faced pigs are the friends we've made along the way?

I think that's what I'm saying, yes. If you do also search man-faced pig, there are a lot of hits. A lot of pigs keep getting born with human faces on them. What is happening? Come on. A lot of people are trying to curse Vickers, I'm guessing. People, their kids are too much on their phones these days. And a lot of pigs are getting born with human faces.

I'm just joining the dots, you know? Now, this is from September 9th, 2011, and it is on the NBCNews.com, under the section of science news. The NBC News. Piglet born with humanoid face. Okay. On September 3rd, a Guatemalan news channel reported the birth of a misshapen pig, which has a face that looks more human than swine. Have you got pictures? I don't know.

The night before the pig's birth, villagers say they witnessed unexplained bright lights hovering in the sky. Oh. So, they attributed the piglet's bizarre features to foul play by aliens. And there were no pictures. There's no pictures? Oh, it didn't happen. You reeled me in with a promise of a human-faced pig and then you didn't deliver. No.

Oh, I can watch a video of a humanoid piglet. Or I can sling me the link so I can also see this pig. Oh, error 101.6. I haven't even, didn't even know where errors could go that far. It's not available in your territory, James. The pig knowledge is not for you. Why can I not be allowed to this pig knowledge? The forbidden pig knowledge is not for the likes of us, James.

Those pigs are just, those human-faced pigs are staring at me from the other side of a firewall. They're laughing mockingly at you at all times. What a sinister Christmas story you've told there, James. Yeah, it's the, it's the spooky Christmas pig just before. Yeah. Christmas pig. So yeah, Alistair, I think we've all learned a lesson there, right? We really have, yes.

don't curse every vicar in Brussels. And that applies to either Brussels. So are you ready to score me? I am indeed. Yes. I'm going to judge you. Like an American settler would judge probably a lot of things because they seem quite judgmental from what I've seen in plays.

I just, you know, as a little tip, don't forget my, if you are going to be pointing anything at me, don't forget the five finger. Yeah, great tip. And also the general tip that if you're buying something at a bakery, try and say the name of the item itself. I have gone... I'm not just noise with the same number of syllables.

That sounds a bit rude. No. Oh, no. Right, okay then. Let's go with the score's first category, naming. Walloon is great. Walloon. We've got Brussels, but it's not your mama's Brussels.

No. It's just a different Brussels that you weren't expecting in Wisconsin. The Pine Barron's Institute. is a lovely name. Yes, a lovely name for an institute that I'm deeply skeptical of the authority. Uh-huh. They start the story by saying, I don't think this is a cryptid about the man-faced pig.

Okay, all right, which implies that they do believe that cryptids exist? Yes. Okay, good, though, good title, the Pine Barron Institute. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I think there are no other names, apart from Manikin. The dog one is called Zinnikin. They got a real theme going there. They were stuck in a run.

Yes, very much so. Still good names. Yeah, I'm going to say it's a three for names. Yes. Some good names there. Respectable. Thank you very much. Then let's go for supernatural.

Well, I think it's more of a sort of psychological parable, isn't it? I think maybe the farmer's guilt was manifesting in a kind of vision of judgmental, human-faced pigs? Because even if the pigs had gained human faces, how could they follow him everywhere? Pigs don't have that kind of freedom to roam? No. Even in America, the land of the free, it's not

the land of the free pigs. No, the free, judgy pigs. No, I don't think so. No. They have us a judgy, though. The pigs are, yeah. Yeah, just a ways in your line of sight, just the judgy pig, just

tutting. I think the story of a farmer having a breakdown. Because he was cut out of a will. He was cut out of a will. And then quite impiously cursed every clergyman in Brussels for no reason at all. For telling him about it. Yeah.

Which is actually helpful. Yeah. And he has more information. Yes. That's a good point. Yeah. So it's a good story. And I like it a lot.

But I think it's a two for supernatural. Oh, Alistair. If you look out your window now and there's a little judgy pig out there. What's that? What is he judging me? Human's face. And I thought it was just a human initially, but now I realised this is a human pig.

A human-faced pig judging me. Yeah. It wasn't just a Porco-Rosso cosplayer. No. That's the studio Ghibli film about the... It's a pig with a man's face. It's a porco-homo. Poco-homo?

Yeah. Nothing that works. Yeah. Maybe. Happy with that. Happy with how that word has come out. Okay, then. Category the third.

in the Loo and Walloons. Ah, because of all the weeing. Yes. There was accidentally a lot of weeing in it. There was a lot more wee in this episode than I expected for a Christmas episode. Mm-hmm. Weed on the army, the little... A little two-year-old general, possible idea for a film.

If you will make a duke a two-year-old, it's going to do something like that. Duke Baby. Oh, yeah. Three men and a Duke baby. Yes. Okay. Great idea. All right.

Okay, we're working here. We've got some ideas. Okay, I'm going to say to four then, because there's a lot of really strong toilet business. Yes, despite the fact, there's none of that, the actual story that I was meant to be telling. Correct, yeah. That just contained the word walloons. But you could say that this farmer's relative was taking the whiz. Yes.

Yeah. I thought we were going to need to bleep again. No, I was ready for myself at that time. In the context of this episode as well, the bleep is not helpful. Hopefully you can work out which word is. that we're bleeping, otherwise it's way worse. What are these statues doing? Come on, Belgium.

So, yeah, I'm going to say it's a four. Ah, yes. I'm going to say to four, because, of course, there were two clear cases of non-toilets having. Fair enough. So it can't be a five. All right, then. Okay, then my final category, as it's Christmas pig,

it's got to be a mount of pig. A traditional festive category for us, James, but I think you've walked yourself into a trap. Because a human-faced pig, James, is less pig than a regular pig. What were you thinking, man? It's not a hondo, a hundred percent pig, is it? It is not one hondo pig, no, it's only 70% pig. So how could I go above four out of five for a amount of pig?

When you've said yourself that the pigs have human faces, James. I feel like you've ruined Christmas. You've ruined Christmas pig again. It's ruined Christmas. Christmas pig is cancelled. Again, it's re-canceled. Again, it's re-cancled. Until next episode, which is also Christmas pig themed.

No spoilers, but there's pigs in it. Oh. Wow, this really is the darkest hour in our story. Yeah. I'm really going to have to write a groveling Christmas pig letter to whatever we have ever decided that the Santa Claus of Christmas pig is. Yeah, get into the prayer house, James, and apologize. I'm going to have to build myself a plurring prayer house again.

Get into your bouncy prayer castle. I'm now forcing that riff back into the edit, even though it wasn't good. Mm-hmm. And apologize. I'm going to, I'm on my knees bouncing in prayer. This isn't a house of bouncing. This is a house of prayer. This is a bouncy house of prayer.

Jesus, with the money lenders tipping the tables over in the tails are bouncing in the temple. It would be easier. Why is it so bouncy in here? There's money going everywhere. That is probably why they never made churches out of bouncy castle material, isn't it? They made it out of just you normal stone and that. Yeah. And there's that famous bit when Mary loses the young Jesus and then she finds him in the church

and he says, you should have known I would be in my father's bounce house. She saw his sandals on the floor outside of the bounce house. It can be hard, though, because of course his father's bounce house has many rooms. also a line from the Bible. The Bounty Bible. It'd be fun for weddings, but it would undermine a funeral. It is, though, for the record, what I would have wanted. All churches to be made out of bouncy council.

Yes, please. If you could. Well, we better end the episode and enact that. Yep. Christmas pig to you, James. So that was them. That was those man-faced pigs. Very harrowing. Very chilling, I think. We've had pig-faced men and men-faced pigs.

We've had, we are. What's left? A pig with the head of a pig and the body of a pig? Yeah, I think so. And when you looked at it, like, as with the end of animal farm, presumably Andy Circus's version of animal farm, you couldn't tell which were pigs and which were other pigs. Wow.

really makes you think. Doesn't it? The next episode, the next number nine in the top ten. You're on your third number nine in the top ten, just to keep,

if you're keeping track. This is an Alistair Beckett King. Ooh. This is from the live show, one of two, I think, live shows that made it into the top 10 slash 15. This is Vicky's ticker.

And I believe it was Lady Bidolf's slippers dropping to the ground being the last thing you hear is what the notes say. I have no memory of any of that. I don't know what that means. I think we'd set up Lady Bidolf as an assassin, ninja assassin type. Right.

And Bidolf was the sound of... The sound of slippers dropping to the floor. Bidolf. Yes, that's very, yes, very good. I thought I did quite a lot of research for that one. And then we did a live, to which seven very nice people turned up. And I wasn't at all disappointed and didn't mention it once in the recording. So quite big of me.

I think I did manage to cut around quite a lot of that one, yes. Quite a lot of the recriminations and complaints. Good. Good work. I think it was because every time someone laughed, one of us said, well, we'll layer that up in the edit. So it sounds like there's more people here. And what I found it was easier to do was just simply cut out the laughs.

Nice. Perfect. Great system. Bidolf B-I-D-U-L-F I mean B-I-D-U-L-P-H Lady Bidolf

the Queen's Lady in Waiting Which I always think sounds kind of dangerous being a lady in waiting It's like lying in wait Yeah I've been a sort of lady's ninja It's that she's behind a curtain

She's there waiting It's not the lady you need But the lady you deserve Yeah So Batman, basically. She's basically Batman. You basically, you die a lady in waiting or you... Live long enough to become a lady who is no longer waiting?

Who've waited, whatever you're waiting for, you've waited for. You've got it, which is dead. A larger audience could have applauded us to stop that. Second category is names. Now, come on. Yes. The Wizard Queen and Mesmerist. Georgiana Eagle.

Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean. I rest my case. silly thing when he tried to do the other silly thing yeah double bean

William Topaz McGonagall Topaz McGonagall Rod McLean yes okay Randy Roddy yeah it made to think of Rowdy

Roddy Piper but it really doesn't have any of the same noises Kill the Queen Kill the Queen Great name for a book Probably seem like a really good idea Any rivers

Did we mention any rivers I think we did The Ouse I don't know whose voice I'm doing Mackenzie Wopper Mackenzie MacNugget Whopper.

Thank you for reminding us. Thank you very much. Mackenzie McPhillett Wopper. Yeah, happy meal, low fish. Right. I obviously know more about the McDonald's menu for the Burger King one. Four?

Four for names? Would you push it to a five? I think there's some... There's some enthusiasm up. People have motioning to turn it up to a five. There were some really boringly names. assassins, I will admit, like, oh, we've forgotten about the most dangerous animal of all, the lady-in-waiting.

Lady Biddlef. Nobody went with me on it sounding dangerous, but here she is when you don't expect her, Lady Biddlef. She sounds like she's making the noise that you'd hear when you were being stalked by a lady-in-waiting. Like what? Yeah, two silken slippers land on the ground behind you. Before you've turned around, head clean off.

That's the last noise. is you hear. It's the sound of your head dropping on the floor. Yeah, you can hear it from your own ears in a few seconds. Yes. And of course, Fun magazine. Fun. Fun.

It's a bit of fun. Yeah, actually, I'm going to push you up to a five. I'm going over your heads, which have just been taken off by the assassin. Bedouf. Okay. Thank you. A five. My third category.

If you come at the Queen, it's actually a lot better if you miss. Because it's just like, it's fine. they were generally surprised, you know, because we don't think of the Victorians as being particularly kindly towards people with mental health problems and, spoiler, they weren't. But actually, the court system

does seem to have treated these guys relatively fairly, you know? You kind of would have thought they would all just have been immediately executed. Yes. They weren't. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, yeah. And it's good because it's going, it plays on that phrase, which I think is from the wire. It's from the wire, yeah. Okay. You could have taken credit.

it for that. I wouldn't have known. But I did write the wire. Ah, okay. Oh, yeah, because you used to be a beat cop in Baltimore. Yes. I spent a lot of time with the Baltimore cops until I learned their idiom. They say things like, hey, I'm police in here. I'm from Balamore. Are you confusing it with Balamori? Yes. Okay. What's the story? Baltimore is the original name of the wire and they changed it to the wire. Anyway, what are we going for? You come at the Queen? It's actually a lot better if you miss. Yeah.

Five. Five. I think it's a five. I think it's a five. Because there was, unless we're doing Ludo Bounceback rules, because it happened to six, six people did it. A seven. Well, it wasn't that great for the last one. She changed the rules.

No, no, because he still got away with it. She changed the rules after he was found not guilty. Okay, then. Okay, then. It's a full seven. It's a full fat seven. I wrote to a Ludo rule. Thank you.

It would be bad to do it now. Final category. Is this all? wind-up. Because, yeah, there's so many layers of meaning here. Yeah, you better start groaning. So it's a watch. It's a watch. Yeah.

Traditionally, one winds a watch. Yes. So, you're a watch. But also, the whole story of the thing, is it just a bit of publicity that this magician came up with? Did she just make up the whole story? Did she have the watch engraved herself? Is the whole thing a wind up?

We don't. We simply don't know. Also, the, well, some of the, you know, a guy loading a gun with tobacco. You know, the guns consistently don't have bullets in there. Like, they don't seem to be making serious attempts. I'm not saying that I think they should have succeeded in killing the Queen. No. But they didn't seem to make a serious effort to kill the Queen.

No. A lot of them afterwards seemed surprised that they had done it. Really? Yeah. Some of them are like, your guess is as good as mine. Don't know why. And then there's the stories around the Watch as well. All the stories around the Watch.

Shire, whether the psychic died or lived on until 1911. Exactly. And Etta Wright, producing the voice of the Queen. Did she actually do that? Or did she put on a old lady voice? Did she see, oh, I'm the Queen. Again, Queen Victoria wasn't Scottish, James. Yeah, but you don't know what happens to your larynx in the afterlife.

Because, like, some people get knocked on the head and they wake up with a scouse accent, don't they? Mostly scouse people. Yes. Yeah, is that a whine? Oh, my head really hurts. I'm Queen Victoria My favourite river's the ooze She did

One of the assassination attempts Was her being hit on the head So that is actually By far the nastiest Of the assassination attempts Which is why I skimmed over it Okay Well that was in very bad taste

Of you ought to laugh there Actually I think I've got to go for a five For the wind-up, right? Unless the audience descends It's got to be a wind-up So that is the story of Vicky's ticker

haven't you? Yeah, no. Please hesitantly applaud. Well, I'm glad people could hear through my disappointment and enjoy that episode, because I thought it was a good story. Yeah, it was really fun. And also I talked about EastEnders, but I think I even cut that from the episode that went out. Oh, that was purely in the bonus. That was some really good bonus business there.

But speaking of people, now this is an excellent link, Alist. Prepare yourself. Speaking of people who didn't have as big a following as perhaps they wanted. Oh, yeah. There's the Somerset sects. Of course, the double Jesus is. Yes, it was sort of a cult leader who, to be fair, if he was the second coming of Jesus, he deserved more than the 180 or so followers that they did have.

For the second and third coming of Jesus. You'd expect more. Yes. It's the Agapemnonites. That's the ones. And you in the episode said they were called the Agapeminites, and I said, what a lovely name. And all of the people with a classical education who listened to the podcast assumed that I was making a pun on the meaning of that, which is it's a sort of, is it like platonic love or like non-romantic love? Because of Agamemann.

And of course, I just didn't, I didn't know what Agapemone was. You just liked the sound of the words. I just thought it sounded lovely. Hmm. So I appreciate the assumption that I was being terribly, terribly well read there. Nice work. Well, that's the vibe you give. It's good, yeah, it's good vibe.

Good vibes. That's, of course, we've left the number nine districts. That was number eight. Yeah, we're in at number eight now. That was one of two in at number eight. The first of the number eights. Mm-hmm. He was buried at midnight in secret, and he was buried upright.

Oh. Yeah. Standing up so that he would be ready for the resurrection. Yeah, I just don't think standing up would be that much of a challenge. It's the least tricky bit. Of coming back from the dead, do you think? Yeah, just standing up. I stand up all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not being led down is. Yep. Yeah. I think that's an afterthought. How much time is that really saving?

Really. I think it would be easy. to get out of a coffin that was laid down, than it would be to get out of a hole, my height, standing up. What if they still just buried at six feet? So you're basically, your top of your coffins, right? You're not really buried. Oh, I see what you mean.

I was imagining the top was like six feet down. That seems like double the effort. It's got to be surely, because I'm over six feet tall. So if it only went six feet down, the top two inches of my head and your eyebrows and upwards, James, will be poking out of the ground. Making a mockery of the rockery. That head-sized pebbles very white.

And covered in flies. Well, in which case, my final category is Pugh, Pue, Pony McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Jesus. Okay. I liked it. It had an unexpected twist. A surprising amount of people went along with, there was like 500 people in this cult at one point. Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot of...

And two Jesuses in total. A lot of hot wealthy women were hoodwink. Yeah. So many people got involved in it. Yeah. And so this category represents the number of people who were taken for a ride. Yes. For want of a better phrase.

And also that the property was eventually used by the animation studios that made. Oh, yes, of course. Trumson, Camberwick Green. So. Captain Pugs. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a four out of five, James.

And I say that because I still think there's a small chance that one of those guys might have been Jesus. So I'm just hedging my bet here. I don't want to say for certain, you never know who's Jesus. That's what I always say. We'll see what happens at the resurrection. And we have to edit it out of the episodes. Yeah, so just in case one of them is Jesus, it's a four.

Alistair, over there in the rockery. There's that little top square of a box that's got opening up like a trap door. And I can just see the top of a man's head with the middle parting. He's back. He's back. He can't get out, though, because he can't. He can't get his arm's up. He can't get out. He can't get out. He can sort of, he's just jumping up and down being angry. We'd have to pass a step ladder down to little, little Jesus there.

But this is not enough room in a coffin for a step ladder. We're just going to have to grab him by the head and lift him out like he's a in a, like he's a prize in a claw machine. That's very. I was going to say, if we start to fill it with sand, he could stand on the sand, but there is a small chance that we could drown Jesus in sand if we did it my way. If we fill it with water, we tap dancing. He's bloomin' Jesus. He's bloomin' Jesus, mate. Very good, James. Well, four out of five. Yes.

A respectful one knocked off in case of Jesus. Due to Jesus. Very saucy story there. Very, very hot stuff. And it's appropriate that we started talking about ghost stories. Mm-hmm. Because the next one, coming in at number eight, also again. Yes.

The next episode is Witches of Essex with Joan Morris. Oh, yes. And Broken Vale, Joel's podcast, have just released a ghost story for Christmas one-off called Tond. Have you heard it? I haven't heard it yet. I have listened to Tond and it's very good, very spooky. But it's also just very enjoyable to say, Tond. Tond. I really did like Broken Vail a lot.

That was a real highlight of other things to listen to this year that weren't our thing to listen to this year. Yeah, absolutely. So if you enjoy Broken Vail, I'll absolutely dive in and enjoy the one-off tonned. Well, let's have a listen to some of the highlights from Joel's episode. St. Osseth, and this is really good fun. I like this because it's kind of, I don't, I'm not a big believer, but I'm fascinated by folklore. I love it.

What I love is what it tells you about humans and people, rather than what it tells you about ghosts and demons and things. And this one was just, being interested in stuff, that feeling of it all being attracted to me, as in like, I went, oh, I've gone off to St. Offith. And suddenly, for the next, about a few months, everything to do with witches sort of cluster around. I kept seeing things, making connections. I love that idea of coincidence and bumping into stuff. Anyway, so I was out, I said to my wife, who was in lockdown, and I was recording a record with my band,

and I wanted somewhere to go quiet and think and do some vocals and things. And I said, find me a place within an hour and a bit of drive where we are, because it's lockdown, I don't want to go too far, that I will be away from everybody else, not anyone's way. I can quietly. And she found me a cottage that was above, above, what was sitting below the waterline on the Essex coached. So basically the tide would come in like the woman in black and I had to stay there.

And it was just amazing. I was on my own. It was really scary. It was great, but really good for inspirations. It was just big sky and birds and nothing, big estuary thing that came in, it's trapped you in this place. So I was working there. On the second day, I went to go and get some bread, milk from the local village,

which was St. Osseth, just up the road. And I went in there and I thought, this is really interesting. I want all kind of vibe I can pick up for ideas. And I was just standing outside the Londis or whatever. I looked up and there was a blue plaque and it said, here in this cage, was imprisoned, Ursley Kemp, the witch of St. Autheth, and I went, oh my God, this is brilliant. I had no idea. So I went, it's a laundis. Above the Londis. Basically, yeah, she was, I think she was in the freezer section. I think it was down by,

but she was in there. Anyway, so I thought this is great. So I went, went back to the cottage and I mean he Googled her and found all this astonishing me, wonderful arcane history. But it was a really little known case. There was almost nothing about it. But she was, the brilliant thing about her story, which is why I went, oh my God, I'm in a, I'm alone at a cottage like the woman in black. I can't leave. I'm trying to write some songs and some stories and things. And I'm on my own and it's dark and the winds come up. And I was reading about it was. They'd found beneath that cage, which was the local prison. She had been tried in Cheltsford. Really big case, but since lost history. But during the civil, no, maybe that's a Civil War one. No, it's not. It's late 1500s. So it's Elizabethan, about 1580 something. And she was tried there and she came back and she died. But they'd found. a skeleton buried in the 1920s underneath where the cage was where she was buried in St. Otisth or nearby. And it was buried with nails

through the elbows and knees to stop her flying up out of her grave. And I went, that is dynamite. I'm not going to sleep tonight. That's brilliant. It was very good. So I got really into this and thought this is really, really interesting.

And then I left and thought this is great and I told a couple of friends about this. It was really weird. I bumped into this thing. I'm really interested in folklore. And it turned out we were, bang. I went somewhere really boring, and it turned and it would be full of lovely old folklore. It sort of probably triggered my interest in looking to the witch stuff around my area.

And then I was taking my mum to hospital that Christmas, she fell ill. I was taking up to Cambridge, to the specialists up at Patworth. And I walked past, well, after I dropped her off the Cambridge University Bookshop, and the window was just full of a book called Doesn't Osseth Witches? Which I went in and bought an academic book about 35 quid. I thought, I've got to buy that. It's amazing. So I had an afternoon to kill, and I sat in a pub and read it.

And they said, no one's written about this before this case. ever studied it. Suddenly, within a few months, there was this massive book, which said, brilliantly, that that body that was in the thing was not her at all. But someone had done it. Someone had done the hoax and nailed, they found a body and they'd gone, oh, this will be her. They found a real body and created a hoax witch corpse. That's even more revolting than the real thing. But it's the 1920s. Is that time of Cottingly Fairies? It's that idea of sort of Harry Price and the idea that Not only is their real folklore, there's the Ballyhoo around it, and there's the sort of that people want a story, so you'll fill it in, so you'll do that.

I mean, look it up, if you look up Ursula Kemp or Ursula Kemp and her body, that image of her with the nails through the elbows and knees is just beautifully gothic and brilliant. But it was supposedly, I imagine, correctly around the time when it was dug up. So basically, the idea being with folklore and things, the stories get garbled because people want to believe in horrible stuff. And what was a real story of misogyny and an appalling treatment of possibly mentally ill people becomes Scooby-Doo really, really quickly. But I love the idea that she was a victim of a slander hundreds and hundreds of years later, which is a guy with some nails. Yeah.

That's incredible. I've never heard that. Her story is great. The book, the St. Osses' Witch's book is great. The lovely thing about this St. Otis Witch's book, it's written by a feminist historian. The best thing about it is she refuses to give the men the Dukes of, I think it's the guys from Tolercent Darcy.

It's the Darcy family, actually, who probably. probably would be the Darcy's from Pride and Prejudice. The Darcy family are involved in trying the witches from St. Osses. But she refuses to give them their surname or their title. Yeah. She refers to Ursula Kemp and Alice, her friend, by their first names, and the men by their first names. She said, I want to be clear that it's a guy called Brian who's being mean to this woman.

It's really good. That is excellent. You go, oh, right, it's just a really nasty little in-cell massage from this bastard. And it's like reading about Andrew Tate or something. It sort of makes it really modern. you remove their status. Who cares if they were the groom of the stool? Yeah.

It's just a mean old man. And it's just, yeah, it's a very, very good book. I hope by now it's probably out in paperback so you won't have to pay 35 quid for it. But it's a very, very good, well-written book. But it's, it's lovely to read now there's so much more feminist history about the witches. It's being reclaimed, and the story is basically just of institutionalized misogyny. And, yeah, the idea of a witch-hunt, which is why it's so bad when witch-hunt gets picked up with people like Trump and stuff. witch hunt is where you try people who have not done the thing you're trying for.

Yeah, crucially. If you have done it, yeah, whenever we went for Boris Johnson for having those parties, that was not a witch hunt. That was a thing. That was called consequences. It's a different thing. But yeah, it's fascinating to have this stuff where there are a lot of very, very good feminist historians doing it now.

And it reads completely differently when you sort of say, that's someone's auntie, that's someone's nan, usually a childless woman or a woman who's lost children who's been ostracized because she has no any verticomber's function in the village because usually they're healers and if they've healed someone that's gone wrong and they immediately get the blame

and then they go well you're no use if you're not healing people then it's usually because they offer to help that's the really gruesome thing sometimes they're just mad people and not very nice, antisocial sometimes they're people who offered to help

and it went wrong specifically with Ursulae Kemp as well it was she appeared to have been quite knowledgeable about healing properties of plants and stuff and she were that's where this reputation came from

And, yeah, as you say, things. Basically, ignorant people were, well, it didn't work. And you go, what else have you got? You've really reliant on all the other vaccinations, you bet. But yeah, it doesn't work once. And they go, well, do your own research. So they say, do your own research. I think the fun thing about reading about this stuff now is the amount of,

what I really like about the witch thing, especially because it's Essex, is where I grew up. There's a very sort of non-conformist thing in Essex. It's one of the big sources of the peasants revolt, on the big sources of rebellion during the civil war. And it's just full of people who go, ah, no, no, prove it, mate. That's why Essex Man was the person to win over in elections. And I love the fact that that gets corrupted all time.

People go, well, I'll tell you whose fault is, is that old woman up there? Ah, right, because they keep that from us. There's a real, I think the echoes in that kind of independent thinking that goes toxic are definitely readable today in the witch trial. Listeners are advised not to think for themselves, but to have our opinions in future. There you have it. That has been the top seven slash three of... It wasn't even the top five.

We're only down to eight. We've only got to eight. Okay. When things do sort of start to... Hopefully things accelerate a bit in the second half of the Ammanac. Yeah, exactly. Just a... Once again, an honourable mention to the official Christmas pig episode with Daisy Earl,

which is... Christmas pig episodes are technically not eligible. No. for the almanac. For administrative reasons. A clamoring for it to be included. There was a clamoring. There was a clamoring that it should be included. You don't really need to remember it because it was like the last episode.

So you can just go back and let's do it. Go and have a listen. We'll join us next time where we run down the top eight episodes that make up the top seven of the top ten, which is actually 15. Hmm? Yeah, good work, James. You do the maths. No. No, I won't.

So are we doing 15 to 9? Yes, the top five, but there's a lot of draws. There's a lot of people in the same position. The top five, but there's seven of them? Yes. Okay. Oh, I didn't realize we were recording already. I'll express incredulity at that in a minute when you say that again.

Oh, hi there, listener. It's Alistair from Lawmen. I just wanted to let you know that tickets are on sale now for my 2026 tour of the UK. It's called King of Crumbs and I'm bringing it to a town near you. If you live in Shrewsbury or Shrewsbury, Lester, Brighton, Portsmouth, Frum, Oxford, Cardiff, Exeter, Taunton, Plymouth, Plymouth, Bristol, Coventry, Glasgow, Belfast, Liverpool, Barnard, Newcastle, Canterbury, Sheffield, Chelmsford, Birmingham, Maidston, Norwich Leeds, Manchester Colchester, Cambridge, Swindon, Salisbury, Oldershot, or indeed London Town, old London. Search for King of Crumbs or go to abacket king.com forward slash gigs.