Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep49 - 2025 Almanac Part 2

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

We conclude our round-up of the Lorefolk's favourite moments from 2025. Now is a time to reflect on man-eating horses, saucy giants and islands that definitely aren't potatoes. No one who remembers The Amazing Journey of 1607 will be surprised to learn that the episode about "the pinnace" made it to the top five. Or eight. The Disappearing Diplomat Scareships and the Headless Cyclist - LIVE! Albina or the Origin of Giants with Tales of Britain and Ireland Pluckley, the Hauntedest Village Prince Edward, Island The Witch That Wasn't with Willow Winsham The Amazing Journey, 1607 Spring Heeled Jack with Edy Hurst ⁠Join us LIVE in Leicester on the 7th February 2026 (2026)!⁠ Many thanks to our editors over the last year, Joe and Laurence. And thanks again to the Lorefolk! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. I'm Alastaird King, and I'm James Shakeshaft. And you're listening to Part 2 of our 2025 Almanac, annual Almanac, and it's now 2026, so this is from last year. Imagine such a time. I think we've talked about this many times. before. Armanax normally look forwards. Shh. Not here they don't.

Shush. Shushy. Shushy. What have you got for me? The top seven episodes? So last episode, we did the first half of the top 10, which was, of course, 10 to 8 with, we had episode 10. We had in at number 10, we had the Legends of Lunningstone, also in at number 10, the Valentine special.

Right. I'm just giving you a quick rundown. Then in at number nine was the Roman robot of Sirenscester, also at number nine were the man-faced pigs of Brussels. And you never guess, Well, there was another one at number nine. Yeah, yeah. And that was Vicky's ticker.

And then we leapt up to number eight with Somerset sects, followed by another episode at number eight, which was The Witches of Essex with Joel Morris. So there you go, as easy as that. I think we might have to introduce the concept of a tiebreaker. How could we break these ties? Just we don't have the technology. Could it be the scores within them, within the episode?

Could that work? Yeah, that's a good way. of doing it, yeah, the higher scoring episodes. Because at the moment, they are used for nothing. Completely pointless for scores. Complete waste of time. I think I barely even hear them as we say them. You know, I know I pretend to write them in a ledger.

I'm not doing that. Not writing them down at all. Uh-oh. And just for stats fans, that top seven of three, or three, that top three places, which was made up of seven episodes, featured three James Shakeshawkshast, two guests, and two Alistair Beckett Kings. Only two ABKs there.

So if ABK and the guests are ganging up, they're winning. We can take Shakespeare after. But now this is the bit that everyone's clamouring for. What's the top seven? What's number seven, James? It's Spring Hill Jack with Eddie Hurst. It's another guest step. Yes.

Okay, come on, guests. We can do this. Eddie came in so hot for this episode. He instantly peeps on his mic. Instant red lines across the board. and it was that is how the episode started and to be honest it stayed that way it was a lot of fun

he had his homemade time machine and yeah it was great James I've called you to this wind swept moor for a reason oh finally because I've been coming out to windswept moors on wild goose chases

which didn't involve geese yeah I wasn't there the other times I was calling you out and then sniggering away at my house I am here this time because I have brought you a third witch to add to our dynamic, James. Yes.

When shall we three witches meet for the first time? I was trying to do a... Yeah, I was trying to do a Macbeth thing and I didn't plan it or think it through, but I'm glad you got where I was going with that. I come, Grey Malkin. Is that an actual line from Macbeth? That's an exit line for one of the witches from Macbeth.

A drum, adrum. Macbeth. I forgot that you went to drama school. Oh, big time. You went to drama school, big time? Big time show time. Okay. All right.

Well, I'm glad that you got all of my brilliant literary references because we have a guest law person on this episode. It is Eddie Hurst. Hello, Eddie. Oyoi. That's one of the more famous witch line. That is the catchphrase we ask every day. deputy to say, and so far all of them have refused, have had too much dignity to say it. But

Eddie, thank you for saying it. Thanks for having it. It's a great honour to be here. An aoioi to you and yours. To Kithenkin. For all, and an ooyoy also with you. The reason for the witchy shenanigans in that brilliantly acted preamble, well done James, is that you are on tour at the moment with Eddie Hurst's wonderful discovery of witches in the county of himself, which has got to be in the running for best show title ever. Thank you very much. It's the shortest title I'm going to play. So that's something, at least. But yeah, yeah, thanks for having me. Big fan of the podcast. And it's an honor to be a deputy law person. I will take that. And I'll hold it tight to my chest. Yes. In sincerity. And also in secrecy to defend from people who will try and shoot me as the deputy. As I understand the main risk. You're wearing it in your sort of breast pocket there and in the hope that

that deputyhood is going to absorb a bullet. Yeah, I'm kind of hoping it's like a sort of small Kevlar, a focused Kevlar area. Those sort of cut plastic stickers will actually repel bullets. Okay, okay. Just to be clear, people who have the

lawmen stickers, they are not actually bulletproof, so please do not do not use them. I need to revise. I need to revise us later, but... We're neither doctors nor quartermasters. So please do not take any of that advice, re-medicinal guns. I like the length of your title. You've gone full pampf style, like old-school pamp.

Well, obviously, it comes up a lot in the podcast, of course. But as Ed Knight was saying, a few episodes back, I love when there's a little title, and it's like, oh, that's interesting. Actually, what Ed like is a real synopsis that's also part of the title. If you can please summarize that form. Because I, sometimes I think it's quite nice to have, like, now we have content warnings, But I think then we had plot warnings as well, which is just great. We're not necessarily a warning, more just like just a plot.

Not even a summary. It's just here's the book and then here's the book again. I know I was talking about Macbeth, but probably my favourite Shakespeare would be the tragedy of Hamlet's, comma, Prince of Denmark. So if you don't know who he is, you already have been told by the full title. A lot of Hamlets back then, though. A lot of Hamlets to get confused with. It was like Davids when I was in school.

You couldn't move for Davids. Hamlet, Aaron's boy What, big Hamlet He did a, he was a lecture at big time, right? Did he run the showtime? Big time drama score The drama's to gole run by gangsters That James went to him

Big time It was a lot of mare-seeing, not a lot of mares showing Big time showtime Drama School, okay And you could do an optional course in Razzle-Dazzle Yeah, you're going to come away with Moxie, which is one of the main things you need in this business, James.

Yeah, a BA and Moxie. Eddie, we have not had you on as a deputy law person before, have we? No, no. First time you have been, of course, on my podcast during the lockdown years, which was Eddie Hurst's podcast version of War of the Worlds. That was a lot of fun. That was so much fun that. But thank you very much for joining us today, Eddie.

I mean, I'm rubbing my palms together in excitement. Oh, boy, do I have a story today? So I'm very excited with this. Now, I wanted to bring something from my hometown, which is, of course, Warrington. I don't know if I've ever of you have any experience of Warrington previously. Of course, I died in a sports centre there. I should add, to the listener context, I'm a comedian, so I mean that figuratively. Not a ghost.

A comedian, not a ghost. Yeah He was a big squash guy in the 80s Yeah I was a guy in one of those cosy crime dramas Played a game of squash with a fellow business guy And then I've been poisoned with a bracket

The little red dot had poison in it on it And I keeled over No I'm really really bad at squash Startlingly bad I've played an entire game without hitting the ball once Everyone's bad at squash Yeah but I've never successfully hit the ball Apart from name redacted, the boy at my school who was good at squash and you just go into the squash got and he'd just smash it like, I've won't one point and however many points it gets to, you just had to wait for him to get to that and then someone else would go in.

Yeah. Bad squash times. Who I assume is called David, because everybody was in those days. Yeah. David Squashman. David Squashman Hamlet. So, yes, Warrington, I'm sure people know. You sort of culturally and geographically, someone.

somewhere between Liverpool and Manchester. Yeah, yeah, kind of down the middle. A little bit, Scousey. That's right, yeah, yeah. You get to about 11, 12, 13, and it's a moment of most Warringtonian's life where you have to say, when someone says where you're from, you say Liverpool or Warrington, and they go, oh, I'm also from vaguely around there. And then you go, no, actually I'm from Warrington.

And they'll go, oh, no, I'm from St. Helens. And both of you will share that look of knowing what is our identity. Who are we? Who are we beyond the large furniture shops? Worrington, of course, is in the northwest. It's kind of this in-between hinterland. And I wanted to have a look and see what great folklore is there that I can bring to represent to you guys. And so I have this particular one.

Now, I do need to, I need to really be clear in the context at which I bring this to you. So I have, of course, the story of Spring Healed Jack. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alistair, I think Eddie's become confused. Warrington's own Springheeled Jack. But, but... Okay, now I... All right.

We appreciate the... One of the springs, the Warrington Wire. We appreciate the sound effects there. Eddie, Spring Hill Jack is certainly a folkloric figure that we've mentioned on the pod without really giving him full attention. But I don't associate him so strongly with Warrington. No, he's a London-based phantom, right? He moved down south because that's where the work is.

If you want to... That's where the crime is. Sorry, he's with a criminal work. I think there might be... some crime in Warrington. Well, look, I understand that maybe around the 1830s to most of the Victorian period, Spring Hill Jack, was apparently popular in London. And maybe there was another Jack that also committed heinous crimes that might have made him less popular when it came to the late 1800s. It's not for me to say, poor Jack. Poor Jack's in general. Yeah, bad time to be a Jack who is not

a Ripper or of Springsteel was what they said. I think that was an 1890s phrase. Well, that was the subtitle for the Union Jack. Union Jack or, rather than so on. Yeah. So I have this story, The Legend of Springfield Jack, Warrington, which, of course, so for Focal Fountain, as you may know, as people who've done Springfield Jack adjacent things, the first reported case in that their London was 1837. However, I'd like you to jump into my folk time machine.

And join me on a journey. we go all the way to the summer of 1927. I don't know if you can do this, James, but if you put like some sort of like wah-wah pedal stuff in for, the listener can't see James' face. I can. I know he's not going to do that. I'm not going to put that in.

I can see that he's not going to do that. Unless I can make the noise with my own mouth. The summer of 27, 1927, sorry. 1927, yep, yep. 90 years forwards. Yeah, we've gone in the time machine. to the future. So we've gone forward to the past. I don't believe we have, James.

No, we haven't. We've done literally the opposite. We've gone, we've gone to the back to the less past. Okay. That's what I'd say it is, less past. Yes. That's, yeah. Less past, present future. What is the time machine made out of, though, just so I can pay a picture in my mind? It's made of some plywood is in there. A lot of it, but you'd think that's not very strong, but what I've done is I've put two real thick bits of cardboard around and I've duct taped that up. Nice.

So are you telling me you built a time machine out of a design and tech project? I would have wanted a folk time machine to be more sort of withies and papy mashet and maybe some

tendrils. Or a tree with eggs on it. Oh, that would be good actually. Well, look, we can put a tree in here if we get some eggs. I've got a pocket full of eggs. I mean... Oh.

Oh, no. Who knew that Spring Hill Jack did a tour of the provinces Yeah And went to Warrington Lept over train stations He's definitely jumping the barriers It would be wouldn't he That'd be nothing to him

Spring Hill Jack Yeah But then he's also jumped the whole station So he's like jump both sets of barriers Hmm Well you want to be careful Because some of them have overhead power lines Aye aye

It depends on the types of trains I thought that was solely tram Or ones in Europe Oh you might be right Like mainland, I mean. Anyway, what's next? Also at number seven. Also at number seven, it's one of yours, James.

It's the amazing journey, 1607. That's obviously the year, not the 1,6707th most amazing journey. I thought that was the number of votes it got in the Discord. This one got 1,607 votes. Around that, yeah, round it up. Yeah, you can round it up to that, yeah. You're rounding it up quite a lot, actually. By the way, actually, while you mention it,

Thank you very much to everyone who voted in the lawfolk discord. This was that that boat that started its journey on top of the church, and then went all the way to London or something for a reason, which we could not fathom. But the reason I think that it's been selected is the name of that boat, James. Do you recall what type of boat was in use? Of course I do. It was a pinnis. A pinnis.

Pinnace. Pinness. Pinness. Pines. Which is a type of boat. I think we did it at the time, but the way to remember it is that you can put a pinnace on a ship, but you can't put a ship on a penis. Is that right? Yeah, you shouldn't.

That's the way around. Yes. Good. Well, let's have a little give of us, presumably just giggling. It's the morning of Monday, the 20th of July, 1607. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Got it.

You happy with that? You happy with that? Just in the Lawman Extended Universe, another William is in Japan at the moment, making friends with the Shogun and stuff. Oh, what other stuff's going on? Right now probably, I'm not sure exactly the days, but young Oly Croms is probably beating up young King Charles, who was a prince at that time. Yeah, because they were friends like Professor Xavier and Magneto, right? Well, they bumped into each other once, apparently. Apparently. Really?

Yeah, we covered it on the old Olly Croms Head episode, I think. I should listen to this podcast. It's very informative. Oh, yeah, there's loads going on. But, yeah, so we're back then, in them days. It's Monday the 20th of July the morning, 1607, and we are near the village of Lambourne, well, we're on the outskirts at William Essex's Garden. Now, I'm pretty sure this is Sir William Essex, Sir William Essex, the first Baronet, who lived 1575 to 1645, he was the MP for Arundel, which I think is in Lord of the Rings.

Then MP for Stafford, which is a motorway service station. And then he became Justice of the Peace for Berkshire. And it's around this time he became friends with William Bush, Billy Bush. And he financed the following very, very amazing journey. on that day a ship was unveiled a pinnice a pinnace

a pinnace or a pinnace sounds like I'm saying not rude but an anatomical word in a bit of a funny accent but it's spelt P-I-N-N-A-C-E

I'm going to just double check that it is pronounced like a posh person talking about something I'm not going to trust you AI overview So it's a ship's boat, and it doesn't give me a pronunciation on Wikipedia. Otherwise, I'm just going to have to pronounce it like that guy.

Pinnus. Yeah, well, according to the internet, Pinnis. It is pronounced like that. This is not believable. This is a type of boat. A Pinnis. It's a ship's boat. It's neither a launch nor a lifeboat.

It's in between. The Pinnis. It's the Pinnis. It's like the little boat that you see going around between the big ships. Bigger than a jolly boat, though, because it's got sails, right? Yes, it can have up to three. And in later years, you could even have a steam-powered pinnis. Right, right.

I didn't realize this could have sound so rude. It's not jolly. It's just a regular pinnis. Yes. Well, okay, so it's a ship's boat. So remember that thing. You can have a boat on a ship, but you can't have a ship on a boat. Yeah.

It's the dessert, spoon, table, spoon. You can have a dessert on a table. You can't have a table on a dessert. Right. But anyway, I've distracted myself with all this talk. Yeah, that's confused me even more. Back to the Pinnis. Just get back to the Pinnus, James.

On Monday the 20th of July, a big crowd had gathered to see this guy's Pinnis. Oh, no. I really didn't expect it to go this way. How could you possibly have anticipated this, James? From Sir William Essex, the first baronet's garden, emerged this pinnis and it was taken to the churchyard where there were some... Pilated by Mr. Bush, is that correct? Yes, Billy Bush. Where some elaborate cables pulled it up the church tower.

Right. And a load of cannons. So if you look at that picture, you see there's a load of cannons out the side? Yes. They all went off by themselves. There was no one on the bus. boat. Right. And you see all those flags on the side of the boat. It's waving many a flag. Yes, it's coats of arms, the arms of England, the Essex coat, the Harcourts, and the Wayne Man's.

The Wayne Man's? Yes. The way I can only assume is the crime-fighting pseudonym of Bruce Bat. That's very good, James. Thank you very much. Well done. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I need something that was direct tearing to the heights. I know. Just to be clear, a bat is saying this.

Yes, yes. Yeah, a bat in a smoking jacket. A very rich bat. He's saying this. A very wealthy. A playboy bat. He's not a serious bat. He's a play bat.

Yes, that's it. I should become a Wayne. And, yeah, Wayne Man. Wayman was born. The coat of the shipwright, the ancestors and divers. other gentlemen of worth of all the flags hanging out the side of this boat, this pinnis. It's a shit. Yeah.

And the guns went off remotely. And it got late. A lot of people had gathered. More people than Billy Bush had anticipated had gathered. So they had to take the boat back to William Essex's garden because they couldn't do the launch that day. The start of the amazing journey. Sorry, you're telling me that the shipping. heaved to the top of the church tower, that wasn't the journey?

No, it's a boat, Alistair, it's a Pinnis. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's a Pinnis, excuse me. Yeah, that wasn't quite the start of the journey. I had to read this chapter a few times because it is quite confusing because on Tuesday the 21st, an even bigger crowd has shown up and they took the Pinnis back to the churchyard and they pulled it up, about 40 feet in the air. The inventor had a little look around and checked all the

the underside of it, checked it was all good, brought it back down again. He got on it and they hauled the Pinnis all the way back up to the top of the tower. So the first two Pinnis haulings were just a practice? Yeah, they were just kind of showing off. And then they get as the, as just a dry run. Yes, yes. As the Pinnis was brought to the top of the tower. Yes, James. They realized the tower was covered in people. There were loads of people who wanted to catch a glimpse of the pinnis. Yep. And they'd climbed all up the side of the tower,

and it was too much weight. You naughty pinnis peepers, get down from there. They just don't have a little look at his pinnis. Well, you can see it from the ground. Now, I'll say, first of all, no one was hurt. But bits of the tower started to fall off the church. Two of the little pinnacles, you know, the nice bits on the corners of a tower.

Two of them fell off. the ground. They didn't hurt anyone, fortunately. No one was hurt. And everyone sort of calmed down. And the boat was pulled right up to the top of the power. Sorry, the penis was pulled right up to the top of the tower. William Bush saluted. And the boat was let down to the ground. There go foul. Foul language there. Awful, awful stuff. And on that topic, brilliant segue. We've gone up to number six. And it is the witch that wasn't with Willow Winsham, and the law folk, thank you very much for voted for this one. In particular, the highlight that was cited was the annals of history.

Come on, law folk. There's a pattern emerging here. You can't just enjoy things that sound very slightly rude. This was a nice story in that the witch turned out to win the story, which is very rare in stories that involve witches. Also, she wasn't a witch. She was just a person. Yes. Because there's no such thing as witches. Well, let's have another listen to us giggling at silly words.

It seems to me that the people of this village cannot embrace the principles of capitalism. She has got money and she's trying to buy products from them. It's just basic commerce and they keep saying, no, for no reason at all, I'm not going to sell you my butter in my way or any milk. Or curds. We object to your efforts to start dairy capitalism in this community. I mean, to give them some possible credit, it could just be that they didn't have enough that were food shortages around the Civil War period and everything.

I'm not saying it was right to kill those children, just to be clear. I'm not saying that was correct. Or that cow child. Oh, that child cow. Yeah. And then we're getting right up to, you know, real time now, because just five, weeks beforehand, Bridget Fox in the, yes, in the

1650s, not like real time now. Right, bang up to date in the 1650s. Yes, Anne Wag is still out there. But no, just five weeks ago, Bridget Fox. But she's moved on to milk substitutes. So, yeah, she's going for Oatley. She'll come around asking for your alpha.

No, she is now, she is now vegan. Oh no, a vegan witch, the most dangerous kind. But yes, Bridget Fox, the wife of William Fox, the vicar of Ilkeston since 1633 had also suffered a strange illness. The Reverend Wiley Fox. I'm not making this up. This is true.

This is all true. And corroborate... Go on. It can be corroborated. There we go. It's pronounced Aziz. But in standard witch thwarting style, Anne Wag,

clearly holder of most likely to be a witch award we've established. It was summoned to Bridgett's bedside. I think she's holding, too. She's most likely to be a witch, most likely to want dairy. Yeah. She was summoned to Bridget's bedside so that the ill woman could scratch her. Now, this process involved drawing blood from a suspected witch, with the belief doing so would break the

witch's hold on their victim. And it clearly worked because, as a, you know, shock turn of events for this story, Bridget was still alive, well, long after this story finished. Oh, survived. So our Bridget survived. That's how you can remember. with Anne Wagg, isn't it? Because it's died,

died, died, died, died, survived. Yes. And then, unfortunately, back to the other trend. And then back to died, yeah, yeah. And just 10 days before all of this happened, the 15-year-old daughter of Anne and Thomas, it's either Ancock or Ankoak, depending on how you spell it.

Are you dropping an H? No. No, I am not. No, no. Though actually, it could have been, I don't know, I haven't checked the Paris Register. for Hancock.

No, no, Ancock is in there and I'm just going to keep saying Hancock at you. And you can say, Anne, you can say, I don't think either us can do a good enough Tony Hancock impression to really, to really voice Ancock. Was he ever played by Ary H Corbett?

I'm sure they must have played opposite each other at some point. And, uh, because this is, this is Midlands-ish, Midlands adjacent story. What were the, was it Tom and what were the names of the couple? Sorry, Tom.

Hang on, Anne and Thomas. Could be Anne Thomas, Ancock. So it could be a third person. Could be the name of the dog. So what happened to Anne Coke, Cock? The daughter of the Ancox. Well, the girl herself and several of the neighbours were afraid that Anne Wag was behind the illness. And the girl declared that she was witch-ridden,

which something she knew for certain because at times she couldn't move. Again, summoned to the girl's bedside. You know, I do feel for Anne-Wag at this point. I know these are spread apart. but the amount of times she seemed to have been summoned somewhere. You know, what if she was walking across town on her way to try and buy way or bread or something, and failing? And then it's like, hey, come here. We need to, like, you know.

Come and get scratched. So apparently this case, it was just a case of asking forgiveness of each other rather than any physical harm. So, yay. But sadly, as you can probably guess where this is going, the girl died not long after. Which kind of suggests that it wasn't anything to do with the witch to me. Yes. Especially when we consider that fact in the context of the other fact, the witches aren't real. That also makes me think it might just have been a coincidence.

And if this one's a coincidence, then what does that say about all the other ones? Ah, but what did our dear friend Javez Bennett have to say? I hope he was a rational-minded fellow, and he gave Anne a fair chance. I think he said, light that fire, fetch my tongs. Well, based on all of the above, what did happen to Anne Wagg? Did the evil witch get her just desserts or her chips and her curds and her dog? Or, well, according to various sources, that's exactly what happened. Now, in the words of John Charles Cox in his hefty work, three centuries of Derbyshire annals.

Well handled there. Yeah, published in 1890 and it was so big. Yeah. Tell me how big his animals was. Oh, God, stop. Three hundred years of amals. Some of the older ones are going to be barely recognisable, I'm guessing. This is what happened when I was in a library and I saw a book called Penetrating Vargas Room.

It wouldn't be so bad. If he hadn't been called John Charles Cox, I'd have had this chance there, but no. But sorry, yes, I'll stay there again. In the words of John Charles Cox in his hefty work, three centuries, of Derbyshire annals, published in 1890, and so big, it required two volumes. I'm sorry. It's like 50 shades of grey, but 300 years of annals. Why, Mr Cox, your annals are so big.

It's the reverse of about 100 years of solitude, I suppose, isn't it? It's like the anti-book. So, yes, according to this, beyond the fact that the reputed witch was committed for trial, we know nothing as to her fate, but sleep. lip-shod and puerile as the statements are and wholly illogical in their reasoning. They are just as strong as many that were followed by the capital sentence. So we should think that there is little doubt that Anne Wagg was burnt to death on evidence that nowadays would not even convict a poacher. Although we now, don't we now think that witches weren't burned as frequently as people in John Cox's day, Anas thought?

Well, as we all know very well What the Victorians didn't know Wasn't worth knowing So obviously he was 100% correct As to the fate of Anne Wag Spoiler alert, he really wasn't Oh, but most importantly, I was right Yes, you were

Very childish, pathetic Yeah And now, Alistair, we're in the top five Finally, after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, episodes of the top 10, we finally reached number 5. Well, how else can you do it when there's a draw, though? It's impossible. There's simply no other way of doing this. Do you drop down? Do you go like, we had two in seven, so the next one's at number nine? Is that how it's supposed to go?

I don't think I even understood the question there, James. I don't either, which is how come we've ended up with talking about 10 episodes, but only covering five spots in the top 10. Well, we're down to the last five, let's hope it's packed with ABK episodes here, because it's been very James heavy so far. What's next? Oh, it's another James one. It's the most, I think this was the most potato heavy episode. It's the Prince Edward, the island. Yes, not the prince. But you do get to find out a lot because the particular highlight that was selected by the law folk was the quiz, which is where I was trying, you know, it's a fun little quiz and you could play along at home, I believe. Yeah.

You had to discern whether I was talking about Prince Edward the Island or Prince Edward the Prince Edward person from the British Royal family, who at the time of recording was still a prince. And currently still a prince. Sure. Yeah. Is there still currently a Prince Edward alive now? Yeah, I reckon. Is there? There's usually one.

But I mean, yeah, I suppose not all princes stay, princes forever. there might be exceptional circumstances. Yeah, I don't know if we're going to get a King Ralph situation with Prince Edward. I'm going to your friend of mine, Canada. Oh, Canada. And I've got some pretty spooky stuff from Prince Edward Island. And I ask in advance, will you be doing any Canadian accents, James? I will be having a go.

Yes. Alistair, I have found some tales from Prince Edward Island. Oh, where's that? That's in Canada. Of course, Canada, right. Is that where the potatoes come from? Alistair, I'm going to do a little quiz, because obviously Prince Edward is also a member of the royal family, the Duke of Edinburgh, the current Duke of Edinburgh at time of recording. So I'm going to just do a little quiz just to kind of...

I don't think I can picture this guy. I don't think I know anything about him. Well, weirdly, Prince Edward, I don't want to give too much away because that might spoil my... quiz. The answers to the quiz are either Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh, or Prince Edward Island. Right. Never the potato. So, first of all... No way, it's King Edward, the potato. King Edward is a potato. Then it's not even a type of potato. King Edward. Prince Edward, I guess, would be maybe a salad potato. The potato is dead. Long live the king potato. That's not how that phrase works. Okay. So quiz, answers to this quiz are either Prince Edward Island or Prince Edward

or the Duke of Edinburgh. Right. Some of these facts have come from Piccuedia, which is... Oh, okay. You didn't use the AI overview for any of these facts. Did you, James? No, I did not. This is a legitimate quiz writ from Wikipedia and chasing North American monsters. Okay. Let's hear it. Was it Prince Edward Island or Prince Edward the Duke of Edinburgh that dropped from third in line to the throne at birth to 15th in line to the British throne at time of recording. I'm going to say I think that was the man and not the island. Okay.

Okay, correct. Dick. Because islands aren't born. It's just a little thing I noticed. Okay. A little tiny clue in the question. Don't show you, don't show you, you don't need to show your workings. Okay, but I want to.

Is the smallest Canadian province 2,190.1.9. square miles. Definitely the Duke of Edinburgh again. No, it was Prince Edward Island. It was the island that time. Yes. Yes, I suppose people don't normally measure people in square meters, square miles. He's not 2,195 square miles big.

Okay, 146,280 people live on it. Is it Prince Edward Island or Prince Edward Island? the man. Can I ask a follow-up question, whether you count fleas, bacteria, or any kind of parasites as people? Any kind of parasite? I mean, if he has bacteria living on him, do they count as people? No. In that case, I'm going to go island. Okay, great. Which is made up of a main island and 231 minor islands? Probably the island. Okay. Which issued the correct. That's correct. Fending the British public was the very last thing I would have wanted to do after having been reported of saying that the British people hate anyone who succeeds

and America is where the money is. Is that Prince Edward Island or Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh? Well, there's... I can't see a Canadian island being that complimentary about the States. So, although I don't think they would be rude. I am going to say that was the Duke of Edinburgh again. Okay. Which one worked as a productive...

assistant on Phantom of the Opera, Starlight Express and Cats. I would prefer it to have been the island. Mm-hmm. Yeah, a small Canadian island. Yeah, worked with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber at the really useful theatre company. Just standing outside the stage door having a cigarette with the other techs. They're like, you're flipping Lloyd Webber. So is that your final answer?

Yeah, my final answer is that the island worked on Starlight Express. It was Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh, 15th, the line to the throne at time recording. Was it Prince Edward Island or Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh, that dropped out of the Royal Marine Commando course training, despite the Royal Marines having sponsored their university degree at Jesus, college, Cambridge? Clearly, I don't think anybody who, I don't think anybody goes from a successful military career to working in musicals. So I think it's the same guy again. It's the Duke of Edinburgh. Oh, yeah, yeah, the island again, yeah. No, I don't think they would let a Canadian island train in the Royal Marines?

Well, it's part of the Commonwealth. Yeah, maybe. No, it was Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh who did that. And do you know what? Turns out he went to Jesus College, Cambridge. His A levels were a C and two Ds. Interesting. Interesting.

I wonder how that happened. Let's go for us everywhere. Let's go for all of us. Okay. Final question in this quiz. I haven't been keeping track of the scores, Alistair, but I don't think you're winning. No. Which produces 25% of Canada's potatoes.

I would love it if they just popped out of the Duke of Edinburgh in a timely manner. And Canadian farmers had to just follow him around with a basket of some kind, waiting for a new potato to plop out. Like Donkey Kong drops bananas in Mario Kart 1. But no, I think it's probably the island. Yeah, you're right. So I was right about potatoes. I was unwittingly correct that this was a potato-related island, even though I briefly forgot the name of the King Edward.

I don't know. I mean, it can't be that the King Edwards come from Prince Edward Island. Surely an island can't spawn potatoes that are of a higher rank than it. Impossible. That can't. That's not how horrific. Meditory works. It'd be awful being on an island that was outranked by a potato.

Yeah, its own produce. But Alistair, I didn't bring you here to do a quiz. I did bring you here to do a quiz, but I didn't bring you here just to do a quiz based on Prince Edward Island and Prince Edward, the Duke of Edinburgh. It was really good, and I think people probably enjoyed playing along. It's amazing how unambiguously different a man in an island are such that it's impossible to not know which is the correct answer.

That's true. That is true, but you did very well. You hid it well. Okay, but we've got some monsters on Prince Edward Island. There are some scary monsters around that area. Yeah, there is currently minimum one. Okay. Active Prince Edward, the person.

One practicing Prince Edward. Middle name's Louis. Well, I think we all learned something there. Yes. But mainly about potato. So we're up to number four. Surely this one is one of my stories, James. Oh, no.

What? No, it's another shake shaft one. And you can tell from the title, because it is Pluckley, the Hauntedist village. That doesn't sound like a word I would use in a title, Hauntedist. Surprised I allowed that one to go out. Hauntedist. It's from the Osborne Book of Ghosts. Well, I've got nothing against this episode, James, and nothing against you

you personally. Right. Not a fan of Pluckley. I'm surprised to see Pluckley ranking so highly. As a conceit? Just as, yeah, the whole concept of it, I just think it's not that haunted. Because half the ghosts are clearly the same ghost,

you know, observed from a different angle. Yeah. And half of the ghosts, there's nobody who claims to have seen them. Well, so how do they, that, you know, like, most ghosts aren't real, but these ghosts aren't even not real. I don't think they're even real,

not real ghosts. They're not even fake, James. I just don't believe it. It's just good PR, isn't it? We're Pluckley. Yeah. This is what I reckon. I bet there are loads of villages in the north that are just as haunted as Pluckley, if not more, and they don't go on about it.

Do you think, though, because this was, I think this became to fame in around the 80s, was it that those northern ghosts lost their jobs haunting perhaps minds? And we're encouraged to move south for other villages. to haunt. I suppose they could have got on their bikes and looked for haunt, but I think it's much more likely that these southern ghosts

simply had connections with people in the media and were able to get more attention than the forgotten ghosts of the north. And probably the ghost, the people on the ghost pages of the media, they couldn't be bothered

to go that far outside of London. No, they just got, they just popped over to Kent. So once again, we're hearing about Pluckley. It's like, you know, when it snows in London, that makes the news, but it's like consistently snowing in Scotland. Yeah, it's always snowing all the time in Scotland and nobody goes on about it.

I know, I do, listen, listen, I do agree it's not that it can't, even to us and I would not class us as experts, there are so many places that have more ghosts than this that we've read about. admitted it. This episode has no right to be in this highly ranked. However, it does feature my most favourite joke that I think I've ever done,

which was when I talked about alienating the ghost ombudsman and then also ghosting the alien ombudsman. All right, yeah, that was good. I did unofficially retire then. Undefeated.

In the field of confusing sentences. The greatest spooky pun I could ever do. It's a sort of semi-spooky spoonerism, but not quite. And spooky spoonerism. The listener won't know you actually did spoonerize your spooky spoonerism there, but it's both the same noise. All right.

Have you a clip then. I'll stop complaining. Listen, I've picked something for this week's episode, and I'm concerned. I've gone a bit mainstream. Oh, James, are you selling out to the man? I think I am. But the people who liked us before we were cool,

which I assume we will be shortly, are going to abandon us in droves. I know, they're going to shout Judas at us. Yeah. You're not going electric, are you? Yes, we are going electric. Because, Alistair, this week, we're doing the Kentish village of Pluckley.

Pluckley in Kent. Pluckley in Kent. Famously, to my knowledge, is it Britain or England's most haunted village? It is, and these are not my words, the words of Osbourne All About Ghosts, part of the World of the Unknown series. The Osbourne book? Wow. The Osbourne book. This is Pluckley in Kent, which is the hauntingest village in Britain slash England. Not my quote.

Actually, the direct quote from Osborne. The hauntingest village in England. The village of Pluckley in South... No, okay. This is the double-page spread. In the Osbourne Book. Osbourne Booker ghosts is what everyone calls it, but technically it's all about ghosts,

part of the world of the unknown series. The village with a dozen ghosts. Some places have a reputation for being particularly haunted. The village of Pluckley in southeast England is one such place. It is claimed to have no fewer than 12 ghosts. So they're not saying it's the most there.

12 doesn't seem like that many. But I suppose it's quite small. Is it per square meter? Is that how we measure the density of hauntings? I guess so, yeah. So like Canada would be quite low, despite, although what was the, Prince Edward Island was pretty thick with them. Was that Canada or was that America?

I can't know. Sorry, North America. I'm looking around various sources. And my other sources for this, apart from Osborne book, all about ghost the world of the unknown. I'm also in Laura the Land, friend of the show. I'm also in The Haunted South by Joan Foreman. None of these say it's the most haunted village in either Britain or England.

They refer to it, Pluckley, a wheeled village long noted for the number and variety of its ghost. Noted. A wheeled village? Yeah, it's the area, I guess. It's not on wheels. That's W-E-A-L-D, not W-H-E-E-L-D. not a sort of a... We're not in Mortal Engines territory.

No, not at all. Nor are we talking about probably something from the dark crystal. Babiaga, by the way, is the name you're trying to remember. The Baba Yaga house, but wheels. A wheelie version of the Babiaga house. Yeah, or a caravan. It's not a village that's a big,

there's just a big caravan. Well, that's disappointing. But on the Wikipedia, page, it does confirm that in 1989, the title of the most haunted village in Britain was bestowed on it by the Guinness Book of Records.

Oh, that authoritative journal of facts. Yes, of course. With 12 different ghosts reported, the category is no longer in use by Guinness, and a visiting Daily Telegraph journalist in 2008 cast doubt on the veracity of the claims.

On the basis, the ghosts don't exist. I don't know what the telegraphs. stance is on ghosts, to be honest. I mean, it's half the readership. Zing! No, obviously, we all know about this, and everyone listening to this podcast knows about Pluckley from the Usbourne

all about ghosts, the world of the unknown. Of course we do. You've got that book. I've got that book. We all read us as children. Read along at home. When I turn the page, you'll hear this noise. I won't. It's a double page spread. You don't need to turn any pages.

There'll be no noise. But I'm going to, first of all, I'm going to give you a little roundup of what Osborne says are the 12 ghosts. And just to go back to your numbering system, yes, a very good point. Because surely, like, when you see a ghost train full of ghost passengers, that's more than 12. But that is, but is that a single haunting? Is that one ghost or is that Moldo ghost? Great question. Yeah, it's the question of ghosts versus hauntings.

I don't think we have the authority to adjudicate this. James. No, sorry, Ghost Ombudsman. We'll see him again in our dreams or our nightmares. No, I'm going to run us around the village, hop in the back of my little hatchback car, because we're in Kent. So it's a hatchback car with two spoilers, as in the part of the car, not, you know, telling you that... Can a hatchback have spoilers? Where did the, where do the spoilers go on a hatchback? On the back, at the top of the hatch. I had a Mazda three two, three, which was Molto-Spoilered.

Okay. And what does that do? Nothing. It just looks super cool. Okay, okay. You had a spoiler at the top and a spoiler in the middle. I call them ghost catchers.

You can easily get a ghost caught on those spoilers. Oh, yes, yes. Or an urban legend very easily. So this winter, law folk, please check your spoilers for ghosts. Yeah, yeah. If you're cold, ghosts are cold. It's like hedgehogs in

In bonfires, yeah, in bonfires. So first up, we're ragging it round. We're doing a wheel spin as we rip off down this Kentish country road. I think I did a robot horse. I was trying to do a car. I think you ran over a horse. That's the end of a car. That's a very smug robot horse.

I was just trying to do wheel spin. Sorry. We are visiting the kernel of the woods. Oh. It's in Parkwood. Are we talking kernel or colonel? Colonel. Colonell.

Colonell. Yes, the army type. The Colonel of the Woods. The Colonel of the Woods. The Colonel of the Woods. The Colonel of the Woods. It's a my wood. Hey, you bush, you shouldn't be here in my woods.

This is for trees only. A fir tree. A fir tree. The impact on the wood. Oh, you can't park here. That's probably what the Colonel would say. If people try to park and park wood. Other things that Colonel of the Woods might

It was formerly a small stretch of forested ground on the outskirts of Pluckley. Before it was promoted to Colonel. Well, no, the Colonel died in the woods. Straight in as an officer. The Colonel died in the woods that used to be there. The Colonel of the Woods, yeah. And his ghost is often seen walking there. I see.

For some reason, I thought the woods were a kernel. That makes a lot more sense. No, it's not Colonel Woods. So that's Parkwood. Boom, we're going round two. Back in the hot hatch. and we are ragging it round to Dickie Bus's Lane, which Dickie Bus is a person, is not a bus lane.

Dickie Bus is a person. Yeah, it's not a bus lane specifically for buses that are, you know, on their way out. A little bit unwarrick, oh, we've got to Dickie Bus. So he's not wheeled, Dickie Bus. Whilst he is in a wheeled village, he's just a regular person. And that was his actual name, Dickie Bus. And is it short for Richard Omnibus? potentially he could be part of the Richard Omnibus

which I guess would go out on a Sunday often subtitled and you can't turn him off this was soon after World War I and a schoolmaster died in these words and his phantom is occasionally still seen in those words that's Dickie Bus. That's the Dickie Bus. On Dickie Buses Lane but we don't know if the schoolmaster is called Dickie Bus.

Right. Okay. All right. So it's the ghost of Dickie Buses Lane They may not be the ghost of Dickey Bus. And we're going to go on to Fright Corner. Yeah, we're back in the Mazda 3-2-3. What kind of miles per gallon do you get? Sorry, just listener, by the way, I'm trying to do man talk.

I don't know what any of these words mean. What kind of MPG do you get on that baby, James? I don't remember because at the time I did not care. Okay. What does it mean? No. Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

We're going to see the spectator. of the highwayman. There's a highwayman, and this highwayman had a special little trick. There was a hollow oak there, and the highwayman would hide in the oak till they heard a coach come a coaching

down the road, and they were to hop out, money of your life, etc, stand and deliver, get the money, and probably just go and hide back in the tree, avoid detection. However, one person walking along,

they knew of this plan, They got the sword out, stuck it in the tree. Boom, they pop up, yeah, they pop up pirated, the highwayman. Wow. You might say it's a case of my wayman or the highwayman. Oh, you should do. That doesn't actually make sense in this context, but we've talked about highwaymen a lot, and it just occurred to me.

I'd never said that on the podcast. And now we have, so that's good. It's your wayman or the highwayman. That doesn't work as well. It's your wayman or the stout yeoman. Ooh, good. Speaking of highways, shall we hop back in that Mazda? Well, so I just want to let you know how the nature of this ghost is that that spectral event is reenacted every night.

So weirdly, this ghost is the ghost of someone that killed the highwayman, presumably... He's got his own murderer's ghost built into his ghost. Well, he's not going to be visible because he's just going to be a dribble of blood coming out of tree stump. Is that normal? We could refer this question to the ghost ombudsman if we hadn't alienated him. Otherwise, I'd text the alien ombudsman, but I've been ghosting this. them for the price of month. Alistair, we're at the top three. Down to the top three.

Okay, probably all ABKs, I would imagine. Oh, well, let's find out. It's definitely not the first one. Okay. Because this is Albina or the origin of giants with Tales of Britain and Ireland podcast. Oh, I didn't tell any of the story on this episode. Neither did I.

But the tales of Britain and Ireland. podcast did. Yes. Yes. Graham was a wonderful guest. Graham, to put that another way. Do you use his human name? We had to dance around a lot in this episode

because it was quite a spicy story. Another saucy one, very spicy. It was a saucy, which also led to the incubus joke. That is simply all my notes are for this episode. It just says incubus joke. Incubus joke. If I were you, I'd probably include that in a clip. I'll probably play it now, yeah.

So he has a big meeting and he brings them all to the palace and commands them all to come back, the daughters and their husbands, gets them together, and then he does some shouting at his daughters, tell him to obey their husband, he's given up on getting a number one dad mug for his birthday, he's really annoyed at them all. And it's a pretty dark time, pretty dark, be honest, not going to lie, but there's a silver cloud because the princesses are here in their childhood home, and after the emperor's lecture, they'll sneak. off to Albina's room and they can be united together. He's doing pretty well if each girl has her own room. Oh, yeah, they all have their own rooms. Wow. Yeah, I mean, they are princesses after all. Yeah, fair enough.

They're doing all right. And they all fit into hers, all 33 of them. And she's got a plan. She sort of stands up and gives them some rousing speech along the lines. They expect us to go back and live with these horrible men. But this is our palace. We are together. We have a chance to do something.

different. We'll show them what we think of them. We know where the kitchens are in this place. We know where the knives are kept. Our husbands will come to bed tonight expecting us to come to them all meek and mild. Why don't we wait until they go to sleep and slit their throats? Liberty or death! Yes! Waves a knife in the air or something. And then there's like probably an awkward pause. She's looking around and just comes out with this. And everyone's like, oh, well, it was just a suggestion, you know. Usually in films the microphone does that, whong, feedback thing, and she shuffles her notes. But then usually one person starts doing a slow clap and you don't yet know, is it a good clap?

Is this the good clap or is it a bad clap? And hell, everyone's like, actually, we all agree. But we paused for dramatic reasons. That is exactly it. Yes. You've got the vibe, got the language of the film there, and they all start. And then, yeah, let's go murder our husbands. So they go off to the kitchens and they get some knives.

And that night, the sub-kings are pleased to find that their wives are transformed, pliant and meek and all that stuff they wanted. And they drift off to sleep, please that everything has been fixed just by being mean to them. And not one of those men wakes up ever again. Well, excepting maybe like a, ah, My throat's cut and blood's going everywhere and that sort of way. But not for long. Every one of the princesses cuts her husband's throat and he dies.

So it's a happy ending. Well, yeah, it is a happy ending. Absolutely. It's a happy ending. Yeah, that's what I mean. This is meant to be bad. This is going to be, oh, terrible. They killed them.

Mean abusive husbands. Anyway, they hadn't thought of getting away plan, by the way. That wasn't part of this. This was a sort of like, you know, well, we were a driver. we would rather be free, be free and die than we would to live under the yoke of tyranny sort of thing going on here. So they just sits waiting to be discovered in their gore-filled murder rooms wearing their viscerous, spattered grin. Yeah, they've done it. Proper old-school feminism stuff.

Not feminism necessarily means killing men, of course. Obviously, that's a gross mischaracterization. But sometimes, a little bit of killing men probably doesn't. Men can be a part of a balanced feminism. As an expert on feminism, that's my opinion. So, yes, they've done it and much cheers all around, but they get discovered. And then a load of boring legal stuff happens because the empire, I know, it's surprising. They're just legal shenanigans because the emperor's all like, just kill my daughters.

Sick of them, get rid of them. But he's got viziers and they're whispering into his ear about optics. doesn't look good they are still royalty obviously they did murder all these men so what do we do so eventually they reached a sort of compromise a bit like that when Bart Simpson's waving

his arms up and down and then walking towards you going if I hit you it's not my fault like a sort of plausible deniability thing going on here because they don't kill the daughters all they do is they get the princesses

they put them on a boat with no oars and a little amount of food and then they send them into quote unquote exile by pushing the ship out into the Mediterranean. Not looking good. No. It's not looking good, is it, guys?

It's not looking good. And probably everyone expects that they're going to perish in this. But one night, there's a terrible storm. Rain lashes and wind beats down and there's all storm, stuff, lightning and thunder

and all those good stormy words, and all lives are surely going to be lost, but somehow for reasons that are never adequately explained by the story, the boat doesn't sink, and it goes on so long that eventually the daughters who are all so hungry, because they're near starvation, they pass out, and when they wake up, the sky is clear, and the sea is calm, looking up, and then they they realize that the sea is really calm and so I think it's actually suspiciously calm

and one of them looks over the edge of the boat and they're not on the sea anymore they're on a nice sandy beach and been washed ashore exactly and this is great because now there's this huge montage bit of the story basically

that goes on quite a lot in some tellings of them just getting out and discovering this island and just having the best of time because this island is free of human habitation and it is a veritable paradise possibly related to it being free of human habitation. Is this like the start of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves where they go on a journey that geographically will be extremely circuitous, but the American audience doesn't realize

that, for instance, the Hadrian's Wall is not between Dover and Nottingham? I think that's very likely. Yes, I think they're certainly getting around. They're exploring this whole island, as yet to be named, this whole unnamed, uninhabited island. It's not Nabu, though, is it just going back to their phantom menace? I'm concerned that they've sung below. Are they about to meet Brian Blessed?

You haven't mentioned any pod racers. Yeah, I can't wait to find out what pod racing is. I'm not going to reveal yet whether it is or indeed is not Naboo. I think you'll just have to wait for that, that bit of the story. Okay, okay. You are being like a streaming service prequel where you're just holding out on us. Keeping people watching. I think there's going to be a flashback bit, the second bit before the end.

Oh, yeah, a whole flashback episode, just making us wait. Oh, no, you've knocked up my pod. That's exactly the sort of thing I do all the time of my podcast. I just insert random bits at random time to keep people guessing. and keep them on their toes, but no, not here. So, sorry about that. I can go and write one in if you want. Where's this?

So they are in this lovely island and it's, they don't starve. It's got nuts and fruits and the rivers are filled with fishes and there's wild animals to hunt and the animal, well, I say hunt, the animals are sort of trusting because they've never seen humans before and then they rapidly discover what happens if you meet some humans and the women slaughter all of them and they eat very well. and now they're just living. They're fantastic exile life, really. They're better fed than they'd ever been before.

They're far away from the society where all the men caused them grief. One manuscript puts it that they were well reinvigorated, so much so that they became big and fat, which sounds like they were having a really good time, to be honest. Yeah. And they're like they're sort of feminist anarcho cottage core commune flourished. But as the days passed, they found they were missing just one thing from life. We discussed a bit about the family-friendly nature of this show before I came on. Ah, yes.

The princesses certainly, well, they began to desire a bit of the old, you know what, eyebrows raising up and down rapidly. They wanted to be taken up to see some etchings, if you know what I mean. Yeah, a bit of how's your father the emperor. Well, yeah, I think you've got my meaning here. They hated their husbands, but they did miss the general company of men. Right. Yeah. And you might think, well, sad, but what can be done about that?

You'll never guess what. And this was a twist. And when I first read this story, genuinely, I did not see that coming. Because it turns out that the forests of this verdant paradise also happened to be filled with demons. Oh. Which sounds bad. Yeah.

But these aren't, these aren't just any demons. These are Incubi specifically. Ah. And Incubi, incubuses, incubi incubuses are very friendly demons. Yes. They specialize in friendship. Yes.

Right. And the sisters wanted friends. And so did the incubi who'd been all alone. And it was just perfect. The thing with incubuses is you wait for one, for ages. I don't feel it's necessary for me to finish my joke. No. I feel like people can do the punchline themselves.

And it's absolutely true as well, because they just loads them. A great pun. Number two is a James Shakespeare one. It's another shakeshaft joint. This is from a live episode. So, you know, a lot of us are pulling a lot of weights on these lines. episodes. The audience is doing a lot of the work as well in making it fun. I think if I remember rightly, this was from the Leicester Comedy Festival. Advert, we are going to be performing there in

about a month's time. So tickets are on sale and the link will be in the show notes. Please come and enjoy. Because I mean, it's the second best episode of the year. On the 7th of February, 2026. That's the one, 2026. This is the second best episode. You would get to see what could potentially be the second best episode of the year. But this is from the last one, which I don't know if you remember, I had some real wire difficulties right down to the wire for this one. We had some cable troubles? I was, yeah.

Cable conundrum? Myself, yeah, yes. My cables were confounded. Were you one of those guys in like a children's activity book where it's like James Shakeshaft has got these wires tangled? Can you help James find his microphone? and then there's like a spaghetti of wiggily lines and you have to trace the right one.

And one of the lines led to my dignity. But I did, I think I had to do the sound check on stage in front of everyone. Oh, I remember now. It was like a dream. It was like, you know, when you have a nightmare where you like go to do a test at school kind of thing? Yeah.

You know, like an anxiety. It was literally an anxiety dream where I had to do all the stuff that I normally do hidden away from people and to be honest very kindly gaze of a bunch of law folk but walk

oh it was a stressful one I'm quite so the worrying thing is though that led to the second best episode of the years so I think I need to get that so maybe your humiliation was the secret

maybe I need to get in that much of a flap in order to do a great ep all future episodes will have to begin with you doing something that you would normally only do in secret gulp

yeah what eating a full pack of kit cuts and this was a very frustrating episode for me because we did Bob Dylan jokes and I could not think of a single Bob Dylan song

and I am a huge Bob Dylan fan I mainly only listen to Bob Dylan I was really really annoyed with myself but I was so tired during the recording well we'll have to do

like a David Bowie version does I don't know, Pixar or, what's the other one? DreamWorks, maybe two Unlimited to do DreamWorks. I mean, these are all the basically the same level of artists. The only other band that I would know as well as Bob Dylan. Yes. To be honest, I think I know almost all of their output.

Well, this comes from the, from the chat degree, from YouTube. Thanks very much. you for watching Law Folk at home. This is. And not paying, like these people did. A little bit cheeky. Fischer Cycle. Yeah?

Yeah. Now, too fair, the audience of voters said that three or four times. And we've edited that out, they would have been a lot more impressed. We might have to go back and edit in than being impressed. Yeah, I think we will. Yeah. Or maybe you can do it realistically. Fischer Cycle.

Again, I said realistically. That's good. I think it's good. Someone's added to vicious cycle by saying a vicious cycle. Oh, so there puns are fine. So it's like vicious cycle. Like vicious cycle, but it involves more fish. A bit more fishy, yeah.

Yeah. The cycle of life is... Exactly as Bob Dylan sang when he covered... He did that whole cover of Disney tunes, didn't he? Michael Nive. Tale as old as time. This is a bear. Prince Ali, fabulous he.

Street red. I don't like that. That's a good Aladdin Deep Dive. Yeah, okay then. So, what was it, Bob Dylan? What's his category? Bob Dylan sings in Disney's Disney playbook. And it's a five out of five.

I would love to hear that. Anyway, I feel we're distracting from the category of fissuous cycle and I feel that I've led that because I don't know what it means. No, it is the cycle of life. It's the ficious cycle of life as represented by the Council

of Charnwood Water. Yeah, but Farah, don't we eat the pike? Yes, but the pike eat the ducks. And when we die, our bodies become the ducks as Mufasa says in the line yes

all the pond you see will be yours it's Mourveda isn't it that one that one Mourveda yeah so that yeah charm of water

Pike are a natural part of charm of water and the council cannot take any sort of action it's the ficious cycle of life I'm adding to it it's also the officious

cycle oh Ouch. Ouch. Quadruple pun. So what we're saying... Sorry, do you guys like this podcast? I don't think we're doing it any differently to usual.

No. I think maybe the wires, perhaps. Two words that sound similar. No, thank you. What are we talking, though? What are we talking for the chate? We're talking to one. I'm going to throw that out there.

I don't think it's a one. Two? Is it a two for Fisher's cycle? Is it a three for Fisher's cycle? Is it a four for Fisher's cycle? Oh, it's got to be. Either everyone can't be bothered to vote at all. We have got the first...

In which case, you are responsible for what happens. It'll be very controversial. Is it a five? Wonderful. It's the circle of life. It's a circle of life. Okay, well then, it only goes to be

my final category, which is now Bob Dylan sings the Disney back category. It couldn't be anything more. I don't know any of the songs from cars, but if I did, that would have really tied in. Does cars have songs in it? No. Doesn't? Blum-boom.

I'm driving in my car. So, yes, from final category, Bob Dylan, this is the Disney. I think we all agree that's a fight. Yes. I cannot. I'm just blanking on any Disney song. Can't remember any of them. But all I want to do is sing Disney songs in the voice of Bob Dylan. Well, that's what we will be doing after the show. And please join us for a

of the greats. There's the colours of the wind. That's Pocaontas. It sounds like an actual Dylan song. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's because of the wind. The Benicity, yeah.

That would be a nice one, actually. Thank you very much. Can you do the Bernaces? That's kind of a rap. That's a bit like his rap on... It's my beer. Comesteadies, a simple bare necessities. So I think we can all agree.

That went all right. Went fine, I think, yeah. The only thing I think there was compromised was the amount of Disney songs we could think of to sing in the Bob Dylan format. James, I was so tired. I think I had a cold, basically, between, sorry, everyone who came,

between then and today. And I've been out of action, and I've just been thinking of Disney songs that you could sing in the style of Bob Dylan. There's millions of them. Yes. Can we get a record scratch to talk about this, James? Yeah, eret, er it.

We didn't do, be prepared. I know that your powers of retention are as wet as a woodhawks back side. But as thick as you are, pay attention. That's basically how he rhymes. It basically is a Bob Dylan song already. With the internal rhymes. All I was doing in the car home was muttering to myself, Darling is better, down where is wetter.

Take it from me. Under the sea. And it's better down, where's where to take it from me? I can't remember the tune of subterruch, you know, that one, with the, with the letters. Oh, yes.

Well, I mean, tunes. I love actually one. Forb Dylan, tunes. I mean, it's not really about the tunes, is it? No. Hardcore harmonica breaks. If I had a harmonica now, I would have really gone for it.

There was actually one other bonus joke, which was me doing the Lion King going everything the duck touches. There's what I meant to say but I said somewhere else I said the water or something. Anyway, everything the duck touches.

It's been so long I've no idea what that means. Probably for you, the listener, you won't remember what that means. Anyway, thank you very much for the Leicester Comedy Festival. Cheers, thank you to everyone who came. But, it's number one time.

But, is that a butt? It doesn't need a butt, does it? It just, it is. number one time. I think I can find a use for that, but there's been a lot of James Shakespeare episodes vying for the top spot. Yes. But let's find out which one of us did the best, greatest, officially goodest episode of the

entire year. The entire year. The entire year. The entire year of 2025. Who could have done such an episode? Which one of us was it? It was the Alistair Beckett King. It was the Alistair Becket Kings.

I think you're always getting the number one episodes. Do I? You sweep him in. I just don't bother doing quite good episodes. I only do good episodes or bad episodes. I don't bother doing decent episodes. Yeah, you're the Tina Turner of this podcast, Alistair, in that you are simply the best. I am.

Yeah, not Bush City Limits. Mm-hmm. Is that a Tina Turner's one? Yeah, that's right. the Australian dance. Yeah. They have a special dance. But this was series six, of course,

these are all series six, episode 41, The Disappearing Diplomat. And of course, the listener's favourite part was something James said. If you're going to come up, if you're going to ask me for a theory, I am just going to simply say

what I'm actually thinking. What happened to that guy? Maybe. Well, should we find out from the record? I'm about to try and deliver a ShakeShafst-style cinematic opening. Yes. Are you ready? Smash cut.

Boom, yes. I don't even know what it is. Whoa. Yeah. Are we coming? Is it star wiping in? So the star is mostly black and the star starts smaller. Whop.

And now you're in. Yes, exactly. Wow. 3D surround sound. It's the 25th of November, THX. Is there a helicopter going past an electric guitar? Now streaming the future. The 90s kids will remember that that's what was on the cinema in that.

Anyway, James, it's November. And it is in real life when we're recording this November. Yeah. But in this movie, it's the 25th of November, 1809. Right. simply a month till Christmas, 1809. But no one is feeling very cheerful because we are in the Prussian town of Perlaborg,

which is now a city in northeast Germany, but in those days was in Prussia. Okay. Do you know anything about Prussia, James? Yeah, I've got a lot of Prussia questions. Thank you. Just crack out some of your Prussia bangers, some of your Prussia jokes.

Is Prussia pleather to Russia's leather? He had one, Lesnar. He actually had a Prussia. a joke. I'm as surprised as you were. It's not actually Russia. Did Prussia and Russia exist at the same time? And did people get as annoyed as I hope they did? That there were two countries basically with the same name. So Prussia at this time, it is a bit of northeastern Germany, a bit of northern Poland, you know, modern Germany, modern Poland, along to the westernmost bit of modern Russia. Right. And the rest of Russia, was that Russia?

And the rest of Russia was Russia at that time. Standard Russia. What could be less controversial than the borders of Russia? Yikes. Let's just finally nail down where they are once and for all. Prussia. To sum up, we're in Prussia. Right.

Captain von Klitsing is laid up. Yep, that's his name. You can't just try and gloss over names like that, but it looks like you're going to. Captain von Kliitzing, he is laid up with a swollen neck. That's unimportant. The neck does not come back into the story. I'm just adding colour. And I imagine, when are we, 1809?

Imagine that. 1809. If he's a captain, he's in the army. And from what I know of uniforms at that time, very high collars. Very collar-based. Very, very starched. So you can imagine the kind of moodies in

when there's a knock at the door. It's a young man, supposedly a merchant by the name of Koch. Come on. Yep. Come on now, Alistair. His name was Koch. K-O-C-H-K-H.

The thing is. James, this guy, he doesn't have a Prussian accent. In fact, he's an educated Englishman, and he's trembling with ague. He's shivering and quivering in a panic, even though he appears to be wearing a fine sable travelling coat. He's travelling with his secretary and his valet, but he doesn't trust anyone. He's in fear for his life. And he asks von Klitsing for protection. And the captain, who is sometimes called the governor, sometimes called the mayor, stations two soldiers to stand guard at the nearby Swan Inn until the young man's horses are ready and he can leave town.

What are my favourite pub names, by the way? The Swan Inn. That's how you go into every room. Yeah, exactly. It's not just in this pub that I do this, but it's accurate. Right, okay. So big necks grumpy, but looking out for this guy. Yeah, yeah.

He agrees to give him a couple of soldiers. At 7pm, the Englishman dismisses the guards, but then suddenly decides he isn't going to leave until 9pm. Come 9pm, the horses are ready. An Osler or Wagenmeister is holding a horn lantern. The secretary is paying the landlord on the steps of the inn. The valet opens the door of the carriage for his master to step inside, and I'm going to hand over to friend of the podcast Sabine Baring Gould now.

Oh, welcome return. The Englishman stood outside the inn watching his portmanteau, which had been taken within, being replaced on the carriage, stepped round to the heads of the horses, and was never seen again. He walked around the head of the horses. and vanished off the face of the earth. Wow. And to this day, he has never been seen again.

I mean, it would be really surprising if he was seen now, because this was ages ago. Yeah. The English government offered a £1,000 reward, and the family of the man offered another £1,000. Prince Frederick of Prussia, who took a lively interest in the matter,

offered, in addition, 100 Friedrich's door, Friedrich's door, for the discovery of the body, or information which might lead to the solution of the mystery. I feel like Prince Frederick offering 100 Friedrichs is a bit like me offering 100 gold ABKs. I'm not sure how much. That's worth. I guess it's very valuable. But no information to be dependent upon ever transpired.

Now, that is quite a lot of money. 2,000 pounds in 1809, according to the Bank of England, inflation calculator is like 140,000 pounds in today's, in today pounds. So those quotes were from historic oddities and strange events. Sabine Bering Gould, Barring, Gould, never. know how to say it. His book from 1889. And this is the story not of the merchant Koch, but of Benjamin Bathurst. That was the real name of the Englishman who vanished. What? Benjibaths. The new Benjamin has entered the building. We're talking about Benjamin Bathurst, the English diplomat who disappeared in 1809. And I first discovered this

story from the rose goddess and other sketches of mystery and romance, a book from 1910 by Lady Constance, Charlotte, Eliza, Lennox Russell. Whoa. Henceforth, Lady Russell. Constant rustling. So I'm summarising her account of Benjamin Bathurst's early life. He was born a young Englishman. For some reason, I've written that in my notes.

Good. As all Englishmen, he was born young. As one of the young ones. He was born as a young English baby in 1784 to an aristocratic family, the Bathurst. So youth is wasted on the babies. That's what they say, isn't it? So he's not, but he's Benjamin Bathurst, not Benjamin, but not Benjamin. No, he was,

that's right, he was born a child and he got older, but not that much older. Uh-oh. He didn't make it past his, his early 20s, really. The Bathursts are still an aristocratic family now. There's still the Earl's Bathurst in the present, and in fact, the heir apparent to the earldom is a Benjamin Bathurst, but not the same one.

Oh. But this Benjamin Bathurst is, The mother was Grace Coot. Good. Who was the sister of Lord Castle Coot. Good. And Benjamin was named after his grandfather, who was also called Benjamin. What?

And that Benjamin Bathurst had 36 children. Yikes. Yeah. Whoa. 22 by his first wife, Finetta. Excuse me. And 14 by his second wife, Catherine. Wow.

Those poor women. Yeah. What happened to them? I think it's obvious. Yes. Poor wives. Many twins in there? Oh, I hope I hope so.

You've got to hope so. Would that make it easier? I don't know. I think it just get him out. Otherwise it's consistent pregnancy. And he is actually a relative of, do you know Robert Bathurst, the English actor? Yes. He was Todd Hunter in Reddwarf and he's the roommate in Toast of London.

Yes. He's in cold feet. Well, he is not a descendant of this guy for reasons that are sort of relevant to this story. Uh-huh. Benjamin Bathurst didn't have any descendants who survived, sadly. But he's related to that aristocratic family. The 36 guy? Yeah, well...

I think we're all related to the 36 guy. I suppose it's not really surprising, but he's got quite a lot of offspring. But we're talking about our Benjamin Bathurst, who didn't have that many children, who was his grandson. And at a young age, he was very successful. He was appointed envoy extraordinary. to the court of Vienna on a secret and doomed mission. Uh-oh. As you know, James, I don't know anything about military history or the Napoleonic Wars,

and I don't care to learn things about military history and the Napoleonic Wars. I'm going to do my best here to explain what was happening at this time. Are you a TV show Sharp Denier? I really like Sharp. I love Sharp. But you will not learn a thing out for it. I will not learn any context. As soon as they're talking about something that isn't, Like about the plot of that particular episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will not hear it. So Napoleon was fighting in Spain. That's, I can't really do, Sean Bean. Oh, too, see what you can do. Oh, very good. Very good, James. Give blood. So I think that, he was on the west side, Sharp.

Right. Napoleon was busy fighting Sharp's rifles over in Spain on the west side. Right. And on the east side of the French Empire, he was fighting the Austrian Empire. Ah. He'd think he was overstretched, but he was actually romping to victory, I think, at this point. And the British wanted to persuade the Austrians to stay in the war. So I think basically he was coming with a note saying, please stay in the war.

We're sending loads of resources to help the Spanish. So please stay in the war. Sean Bean's over there. Right, we've sent in Sean Bean. Oh, he's been killed. We could do you a Jimmy Nail? Needless to say, the Austrians turn their nose up at, the Jimmy Nail offer.

And in October 1809, the Austrians signed a treaty with Napoleon, which was a huge deal geopolitically, way, way beyond my understanding. But for the purposes of our podcast, terrible news for Benji Baths, because it put him in a tight spot. So he wrote a letter to his wife, Philida, via Heligoland. Pardon? Yep, you heard me. Heligoland.

Heligoland. It sounds like a German called Mr. Legoland. Land, yeah. Is that to Lego Land? Goodn' Arbent hair, Legoland. Basically, it was very difficult for him to get letters out of Austria, and it was going to get harder. You've got to, like, clip them together and stuff, I suppose, and the dots.

Because of Lego. Is that what? Through Legoland, yeah. So here's his, this is being very silly, James, but this is the last letter his wife ever received from him. He's written it in Lego? Just continue to make, continue to make Lego jokes. on your head be it.

But that's, like, you'd need such a big flatty to do a letter of any sort because even if you, I'm presuming it's all caps and you need a lot of little dots, basically, and they didn't even have them in the 18, in the 1980s. Never mind in 1809. This is the last letter this woman ever received

from her husband. Can I point out this is a real person? Real person? But we don't know for certain that he's dead. I mean, although like maths insists that he must be by now. Now. Spoiler.

Things are in the most desperate condition, and if Bonaparte can be removed from Vienna without some very signal catastrophe to Austria, the utmost of our hopes will be fulfilled. My fate will, of course, be decided amongst the other articles of the peace. If the intercourse with England is put an end to, which is next to certain, I shall endeavour to get home by Colberg and Sweden, rather than the Mediterranean. I shall rejoice to return once more to you, and as the affairs of the continent are for the present so hopeless, I shall not much regret abandoning them. he probably did actually regret this journey.

But he set off north, as he said there, instead of going via the Mediterranean, he set off north travelling under the false name of Koch with his Swiss valet, Ilbert. Oh, sorry. What has shocked you there? I didn't realise this was the same guy. Oh, right.

This is the same guy, James. I thought I was just a little soups on. I thought I was just a little amuse-boosh for like sometimes people disappear. James, what does, what are the words smash could mean to you. I was starting in Media Rez, and now we're flashing back. This is the guy who vanishes in Perleburg. Oh, I'm really not very smart when it comes to films or TV shows. Well, if you enjoy that twist, James, it's non-stop twist from this point in. Oh, gosh. So he adopts the name. I'm going to say it now as if I knew that you hadn't followed the story at all.

Right. He adopts a name. He decides to travel under a false name. He decides to call himself Koch. Yeah, like the name of that merchant from the start. Yeah, the distrustful merchant with the false moustache. Exactly, in the weird accent. Guy incognito. And he's travelling with his valet and his secretary, his Swiss valet, Ilbert, and his secretary also called the King's Messenger from another diplomat called Krauss.

What was his Swiss guy called Gilbert or Ilbert? Ilbert. Ilbert. Ilbert. Like an illbert. Like Albert, but unwell. Yeah. Ah, yai, this is full of knock-off brand names.

We got Lego Land. We've got Prussia. We've got Elbert. Wow. Well, as you know, James, he reached Perleberg, but he didn't get any further than that. He vanished. Disappeared into a horse.

Just as he was supposed to leave. He went round the head of a horse and disappeared, at least according to Sabine Be. Verying Gould's version of the story. Did the horse eat him? I'm going to give you many, many theories. Horse ate him. He's completely new, James.

Nobody so far has hypothesized that the horse ate him. It's just, um. Good. Okay. It's a good thing he walked around the head of the horse. Had he walked around the other end, your theory would be completely different. It's like those tubes in supermarkets.

You think he got pneumatic tubed up a horse's bum? He got pneumaticed into a horse. Well, they would have checked, James. That's the first place they would have looked. There you have it. What a top 10 of 15 episodes over two episodes that was. Yeah. One mystery solved.

One witch absolved. One Prince Edward disambiguated. One Kent Village, given far too much attention, in my opinion. And many more. Yes, one cyclist, headless, and... One Jack, Springheeled. Yes. And one penis.

Amazing. It's very impressive. Amazing, really amazing. Yeah, that was the top ten. So let's do a roundup for the listeners who are presumably on... At the edge of their seat is a bunch of tenter hooks. That sounds really uncomfortable. It's awful.

We need to let them off. We, do you want the roundup of how much? many, how many were J's and how many were Alistair slash guest? Let's hear it. In the top 10, which was 15, we had, there were seven James episodes and eight guests slash Alistair episodes. So, me and the guests teamed up together. If you formed a coalition, I could be a minority government, is that what you're saying?

You could very easily make a minority government in this, in this hummus. Parliament, they is lawmen. Hmm. Okay. I'm looking at the Honourable Mentions, but they're almost all your episodes as well. Honourable mentions is mostly horse carnage that, yeah, as we mentioned before, horses really had a bad year of it.

They got popped. They've lived in some sand. A horse got popped in a spectral bridegroom. Yeah. We discovered that computers were basically looms in the curse of the Black Monk. That's correct. We had some wonderful other guests

that didn't quite make the top 15 slash 10 with Ed Knight. Oh, yes. A lovely episode of Ed Knight. Weird in the Wade. That was great fun. Yeah, it was a great time. It was a wonderful year.

And let's just try and have another one, shall we? Let's just do our best, James. And the best can do no more. So see you next week for a new series. For some fresh law. I'm not even going to bother doing any stories if no one's going to vote for me. We'll just need to do one and it will be the best.

I'll do that then. I'll just do the best story. Just simply do the best story. Thank you very much all to the law folk for listening. And you can join us and you can have your own opinion. Can they? They can have their own opinion. You can only have your own opinion if you support us on Patreon. Yes, in a way that matters.

Yeah, no, join us on patreon.com forward slash Lawmanpod. Without joining us on Patreon, your opinions are meaningless. Exactly right. And there you will get access to the lawfolk Discord. And you'll also get bonus episodes. So even more of these wonderful episodes will be at your fingertips slash ear tips. Think about how many wounded and injured horses there are

that you're not hearing about. Because you don't have access to the bonus. And what will be next year's? What will be the theme that emerges from 2026? Well. Who can say? Who can say? We'll find out next year.

There's everything to play for. I'm going to read his complaint about the deer enclosure in full, just so you can get a sense of the guy. He complains that a piece of the park has been railed off for the private accommodation of the deer. How very considerate, 50 acres of beautifully wooded parkland, the property of the public stolen for the use of not more than 30 head of fallow deer, who, by the way, have very seldom honored this sylvan privacy with their presence.

choosing rather to roam in the public walks, the regions of bun and biscuit in the neighbourhood. It was, nevertheless, a most considerate act. Yes, but it was not for, and this is in scare quotes, The Deer! Fire upon such hypocrisy! It was for the pasturage of the good milch-cows of sundry grand officials the robbery was committed. Again, these privileged spirits, these brief authority men,

the Sydney Herberts of this much-abused locality, needed, quote, gravel forsooth, quote, for their gardens, and gravel they must have, and gratis too, torn from the bowels of Greenwich Park. A pit was open to the back of the observatory and a fair hillside permanently disfigured. Good. Oof, whoa, he's jumping from deer to people with gravel to Sidney Barrett. Sidney Herbert? Sydney Herbert. Whoever that guy is.

He's got it right in the neck. Really throwing that guy out of the bus. We don't really know who that is these days. Oh, poor Sydney Barrett. Yeah.