Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep6 - The Exorcist and The Idol

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

Now this is a story all about how Donald Omand’s life got flipped turned upside down when he encountered a Chinese idol possessed by a murderous spirit. Alasdair introduces James to the so-called ��Circus Priest’, a Scottish exorcist who fought the forces of evil everywhere from the Bermuda Triangle to a hotel room in Edinburgh. That is, if Dr Omand’s own account of the events is to be believed...  If anything, we could say that this guy was rare. This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor Join the LoreFolk here... patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've got this condition where I don't feel pain. You're a superhero. If this is how intense Nova Kane sounds, imagine how it looks. Sam Orr? Yeah, big time. Nova Kane, forming theaters March 14th. With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff.

And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your Mobile Plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, Alistair Beckett King. And me, James Shake Shaft. And James, this week I have the tale of a Scottish eccentric and present day exorcist for you. Yeah, if by present day you mean the 1970s. Yeah, I pretty much do mean present day when I think of the 1970s. That's pretty pretty recent, isn't it? Pretty relevant.

It's when all my books are from. Yeah, yes, it is. And my trousers. I present view consideration. Dr. Donald Oment in The Exorcist and The Idol. Whoa, that's a good name. Very good name. Pretty good title. I'm very excited. Are you excited, James? Yes. I've given this recording a very exciting name.

Exorcist Idol 2025. Yeah, based on the two bits of information you told me about the story. I told you it was the Exorcist and the Idol, but you've made it sound like a talent show. Yes. Yes. Have you got, have I got an Exorcist for you with a tragic backstory? Yeah. You don't want to know about, don't ask about the mum. Well James, you're right to be excited. The story I've got for you is so chilling and plausible that it will put you in mind of the lead actor in the BBC's mystery drama series, Death in Paradise.

Who's that currently? Do you know the name of the current lead actor? Oh no, I saw the Christmas special where the other one regenerated into him like in Doctor Who, which seems to be how Death in Paradise works. And the gold glow comes out of the sleeves. The lead actor in the new series of Death in Paradise is called Don Gille. Yes. Yeah. That's how chilling this episode is that it's going to make you want to.

Don Gille. Oh, that is lovely stuff. Although based on his accent, I imagine maybe it's like Gillett or something. Cause he doesn't sound very posh or French or he does. He's definitely not French. He sounds like he's from London. You know what? On Wikipedia, it's got an accent on his E. He's got an accent on his E.

Yeah. It's Don Gille. Right. Anyway, it's on. I'm it's on. I'm not going to get cold. You're Gille. That's great.

And I'm Gille. I mean, I don't want you to think that this episode is not going to have any good names in it, but I've been saving Don Jilay for a, for a name light episode. For a rainy day. But he's not the only Don I've got for you because the main character of this episode, the, the legend I want to tell you about is the legend of Dr. Donald Oman. Donald Oman? Yeah. It's like the Oman crossed with Donny Osmond.

If you can imagine that. I can. Distressing. Whoa. Boom, banger, bang. Dr. Donald Oman, born in Perth, Scotland in 1903 in the early 20th century. But his family moved to Darlington in the Northeast of England when he was a teenager.

Not as posh. Not as posh as I think that town. Darlington. Yeah. It's, it's yeah, as we've discussed previously, Darlow is not as posh as it sounds. It's much less, darling, you must tell me the truth, darling. Could you possibly, could you possibly love a man who has an ordinary job in the war, but not one of the exciting ones?

Is that possible? Tell me darling, is it more, you're right, darling. Well, that's Yorkshire. It's more, it's a bit more Durham-y than that. Okay. Give me a sec. Okay. Here we go.

Listen, listener, as he transforms. You're right, darling. No, I've gone, same voice. I'm talking to the same voice. Exactly same character as before. That're a Dalin. No, I've got the same voice. It's the same accent. Exactly the same voice. Exactly the same character as before. That's right, Dalin. I'm trying to do it in no run-up. That's right. That's right, Dalin. So he was born in Perth, moved to Darlington and he went on to become an Anglican vicar and so much

more. Donald Omand, circus priest. What? Exorcist. Sorry? Female darts team antagonist. Say what? He's perhaps most famous for being a priest who performed his administrations for circus

folk. For whom he seems to have had the highest respect. Right. Okay. Not, he didn't perform his services bareback horseback. Actually James, well, just put a little pin in that. Because he was no stranger to danger.

Someone having a CV where exorcist is the one you want to ask the least questions about. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get back to the circus. What was that? You're a circus what? You did what to a female darts team? Well, we don't, allegedly. We'll deal with that. Are we also putting a pin in that? Yeah, let's just put a lot of pins. Thunk, thunk, thunk. Oh, is that the female darts team?

Yeah, they were putting pins in it and they got a sweet 180. Right into a picture of Donald Oman's face. Thunk, allegedly. So I first encountered Wee Donnie Oman in an article in the 14 Times by the Reverend Peter Laws, who listeners might recognise from Uncanny. He's team believer in some of the episodes of Uncanny. And off the back of that, I checked out Oman's 1970 autobiography, Experiences of a Present Day Exorcist, which would now be called

Experiences of a 50 years ago exorcist. But they don't update book titles like that. Otherwise it would be hard to remember what 1984 was called. Yes. Very good point. Yeah. So they just leave the titles the way they are. And it's the old New Testament now. Otherwise it would be hard to remember what 1984 was called. Yes. Very good point. Yeah. So they just leave the title as the way they are.

And it's the old New Testament now. Yeah, they are. They're both quite old. They should be called the Old Testament and they're really old. Oh, that's old. How old is it? So I'm going to tell you about Donald Oman's encounter with a cursed idol. But first a little background.

Most accounts I can find about Donald Oman tell the story of him entering the Lion's Den, which also, now I think about it, is a TV show. He doesn't go into a shark tank. American listeners, relax. Dragon's Den. It's a Dragon's Den here. Oh, wait. It's Dragon's Den.

It could easily be Lion's Den in another territory though. Cause it is, as we said, Shark Tank in the U S. Dragon's Den in the UK. Lion's Den. Dragon's Den makes more sense cause dragons sit on a pile of money that they could give you, but sharks are strapped for cash. They haven't got pockets. Unless they're loan sharks.

Oh, maybe that's it. But that implies that there's like a follow-up series where they like go around and break their legs because their product was rubbish. Yeah. I presume all loan shark, loan shark is referring to like the illegal dodgy. Yes. Yeah. It's referring to the bad illegal kind of loans, not the good ethical kind of payday loans that everybody loves and are always great. Yeah.

They don't try, they don't threaten to break your legs, but I mean, am I wrong to besmirch the currently neutral name of loan sharks? No, I think it's okay to criticize loan sharks and you know, let's besmirch them all. Also the payday loans guys. Yes. Besmirch away. I'm just saying that they, as far as I know, have never threatened to break anyone's legs. Do you work for a payday loans company, James?

No, but I don't want them coming and breaking my legs. You're so hasty, so keen to say that they don't break legs because you obviously believe that they do. Because I fear that they will break my legs. And whilst it would be ironic, I would still have broken legs. Yeah. I would, I'd love it though. If you, if your legs were broken for saying that they break legs.

I'll prove you wrong. Snap, snap. So while working in Southern Germany, Ommand met a ringmaster of a circus who was having trouble with his strongman, which is a big, big problem for a circus. The strongman is almost as important as the big pole that holds up the big top. You could say the strongman is a tent pole attraction. Oh, very top. Mmm. You could say the strongman is a tent pole attraction. Oh, very good. Yeah.

Which I think actually, and I think I read this in Oman's book, but I now can't remember, I think that central pillar is called the kingpin of the king pole. So the phrase kingpin, you know, like with your payday loans guys, like criminal mastermind, I think comes from the big, the big pole that holds up the whole tent. Ah. If, if Oman is to be trusted trusted footnote, maybe he is not.

Uh, what was the problem with the strong one? Was he too strong or not strong enough? It wasn't his strength, James. It was his personality. It had changed. Gustav, the strong man who's, whose name has also been changed by Ohmand, presumably because he's a real guy who's definitely real and this story happened. It's frustrating.

His writing is full of details, often quite specific details, but it's not overflowing with the kinds of details you might ask for like names, places, and dates. It's scrupulously lacking in the kind of details you would need if you wanted to, I don't know, check any of the stories in it. So again, just put a pin in that. Just throw a little dart in that. Don't worry about that. Okay.

I mean, we're getting quite voodoo doll with the amount of pins going on in here. Don't worry. Armand is on hand. Apologies. If that is not accurate. Voodoo doll Smith's please don't stick pins in an effigy of me in order to prove that you don't do that. I think it's not accurate.

I think the practice of sticking pins into dolls is European magical practice. Not a West Indian one. I think. Okay. Well, also don't break my legs about it, anyone. Nobody break James's legs. Now I don't actually know if I'm pronouncing his name correctly. I keep going between Omond and O-mand. Alistair, we're six series in. No, I know how to pronounce your name. James Shashakha-fa. Shashakha-shaft.

Where's the F go? Spacecraft. Where's the F go? Spacecraft. Jimmy Space. They call him Jimmy Space. So Gustav the strongman had been a gentle giant and a devoutly religious fellow, but in recent days, his personality had taken a change for the worse James, a much, much worse change. And he was angry and surly and frowning the whole time.

And the ringmaster explained what he thought was the cause of this problem. And I'm going to quote from the book now. The strong man was of a religious nature and he had gone into the main church of the town to pray as was his custom. As he was entering the church porch, he disturbed a group of evil looking men and women who were gathered on the steps. They were intently watching a man in their midst, whose face was the most devilish that Gustav had ever seen.

And the guy in the center was, with his hands, he was apparently he was performing the Eucharist in reverse order. Now, I'm not a religious expert, but that's like pulling bread out of people's mouths. Yeah. That is sucking wine into a cup. Yeah. Getting them to spit wine into a cup, taking a little space ray space invite. Yeah.

The space invaders will be all wet. It goes, they'd go soggy. The sherbet will be coming out. Fun fact, Alistair. They are literally church wafers. Those little space things with the sherbet will be coming out. Fun fact, Alastair. They are literally church wafers. Those little space things with the sherbet in them. Yeah. Listeners who didn't grow up with these, they're a little flying saucer shape with sherbet

inside them. What are you telling me, James? Those are literally the body of Christ. They are the body of Christ because- They're the body of Christ in space. And they compel you- Space Christ. They compel you. Space Christ. They compel you to have more sherbet. They get them from the same company.

The company that made church wafers because of declining church numbers, they needed to find a way to boost the sales. So they invented that sweet. We can't stop selling wafers. It's all we know. That's I imagine his assistant would be called Mildred. What was it called? What was it called?

Flying Saucer. Flying Saucer sweet. It's all we know. That's I imagine his assistant would be called Mildred. What was it called? What was it called? Flying saucer, flying saucer suite. So they, they invented a suite that used the only thing they knew how to make, which was Jesus Christ's body. Yep. It was the Antwerp based producer of communion wafers, Bell Jika. Oh, I did the wrong accent there. I didn't realize it was Antwerp. Yes.

Sorry. Let's, I'd like to hear that again, please say darling. No run up. Wait, wait. I have to embarrass myself. What country is Antwerp in? It's like Holland? Belgium. Belgium. Oh, I'll just do a classic Flemish accent that we all immediately recognize. Oh no, our machinery is worthless due to these declining church numbers. We must diversify! Exactly. Mildred!

So, yeah, as I'm sure you've inferred, Gustav was a spectator of the Black Mass. Oh no. His horror must have shone on his face, for the celebrant, who very possibly was an unfrocked priest, suddenly gave vent to Chuckles, which seemed to the strong man to emanate from hell itself. Then he who had such physical power that he could support the weight of eight fully grown men passed from horror to terror and fled back to the circus, the diabolical Chuckles still ringing in his ears.

Oh, I thought this was at the circus and I wasn't sure if chuckles was a clown. The diabolical chuckles. Really very, very bad clown. When chuckles goes to do the fake out bucket of water, there is really water in it. So he thought he'd escaped, but in fact he had carried something terrible with him. An evil spirit had obviously followed Gustav and he was becoming possessed. He was succumbing to its power. Omant heard this story and thought he had to act.

So he came along to the circus to help with the Ringmaster and when he arrived they were in the middle of a performance, which was going well until Gustav the strongman approached the lion's cage and began a rattling on the bars, which James, I don't know if you're an expert in handling of wild animals, but that you shouldn't do that. You're not supposed to rattle the bars. Yeah, I would, I would get, I would guess not. Yeah, yeah. It seems obvious, but you sometimes you just have to say don't rattle the bars.

He was rattling those bars and just when you might have thought he was about to bend them apart with his superhuman strength, he slumped into a faint. He's out cold. He's gone. And a moment later, the two lions pounced on their handler and mauled him most terribly. Yes, James, the evil spirit had leapt from Gustav the Strongman to the lions themselves. Obviously that performance was a write-off. Yato, yato.

The lions were got under control and it was very clear that it was now the lions that needed to be exorcised. And Donald Ohmand stepped up, not just up, but actually into the lion's cage to exercise the beast. And that was not the last time he would step into the cage of a wild circus beast in order to bless it. And he insisted always on stepping into the cage. There's photographs of him there, you know, a few feet away from the lions. He insisted on going into the cage because it wouldn't work through the bars, I think. What?

He writes in a book like, people say, why can't you do it from the outside? And he writes, I think the best answer to such a remark came from a much beloved circus owner who is, alas, no longer in this world. He countered the question with another one. Why do army chaplains go abroad with the troops? He asked. Surely they could pray for those engaged in battle in the safety of their own homes. And that's actually quite a good point. It kind of works. But I kind of think the chaplain is there for chats and conversations. That's the reason they didn't have Zoom in those days. Right.

I don't know. He says he's doing it out of respect for the handler, because by going into the cage, the handler takes a risk. And by going into the cage with a stranger, the handler places themselves at even greater risk. But I'm not sure if that actually is respectful. I don't know much as endangering the handler unnecessarily. Yeah, that sounds worse than that sounds disrespectful. You're making it much worse. But hey, that's what he did. But it's sorry, Alistair, the tone of what you've been saying, it sounds like he's been doing this more than once. Oh yeah! What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are many, many stories. He exercised lions, he exercised your vampires, he exercised your Loch Ness monsters. He exercised a little known triangle called the Bermuda Triangle. What? Heard of it? Yes. He hadn't. What?

Why? He was in the area in the 50s and they were like, you gotta check out this triangle. And he was like, this is the first time hearing of it. Straight away exercised it. Boom, get rid. Boom, out, done. Bring on the next polygon. After a lecture in the USA, he was approached by

two members of the OIPD, two agents of the OIPD, which is the Organization of Inquiry into Psychical Disorder, which when you say it out has the real ring of a thing that was arranged because it sounded good as an acronym. OIPD. Nobody more. OIPD. Freeze. And he was asked to join the ranks of the OIPD. The OIPD is an organization that investigates psychical phenomena and it is very secretive. So secretive that no one apart from Donald Omand seems really ever to have heard about it or have written about it or to have any knowledge of it whatsoever.

I can't help but think it sounds quite cool. And like, maybe they have a badge. Yeah. A flip down badge. What happens when you get kicked off the OIP? You probably have to hand in your, your holy water, your badge and your holy water or. And your dousing tongues. Tongues?

Somehow it sounds right, but I'm sure it must be wrong. Fork, dousing rods. Yeah. Well, but I'm sure it must be wrong. Fork dousing rods. Yeah. Well, OIPD.com is for sale. So they are very secretive in that they don't have a website. They're so secretive, they're not real. Oman traveled the world as a psychical investigator, as a member of the OIPD, lecturing, exercising people, things, and places.

Wow. But the story of the cursed idol that I want to tell you, James, begins closer to home in Scotland. Olmend was giving a lecture in Edinburgh about Chinese figurines and afterwards he was called upon by a young man. And this story comes from experiences of a present day exorcist. My visitor, an undergraduate at Edinburgh University, was obviously under extreme strain,

which was not surprising in view of the story he told. This concerned a Chinese god, less than 18 inches high, which had been carved centuries before out of the root of a tea plant and stood upon a pedestal constructed of the same wood. According to the young man, the idol had been worshiped for hundreds of years in a small village in China, and appeared to bring its devotees good health and prosperity.

Then, about sixty years ago, pestilence broke out in the village, and one misfortune after another befell the inhabitants." So the villagers naturally blamed the idol for this change in their fortunes and they stormed the shrine looking to destroy it. But they were too late, James. The priest had already liberated the idol and fled. Now you might think that the villagers would be pleased that the hated idol was gone. Yeah.

What would you do in that situation as a villager? Celebrate? Yes. Find out what ticker tape is? Yeah. And have a Presbyterian missionary in Hong Kong. The missionary was about to return to his native Scotland and somehow he was persuaded to take the idol with him by the priest. Now I don't know if any money changed hands there. We don't know.

We just don't know. What by the priest? By the idol or the... It feels like maybe a guy was sold an idol with a really good story attached to it. Maybe? I don't know. Either way, the ship sailed and the next morning the priest's body was recovered from the sea in Hong Kong's dockland.

He had been stabbed to death. How do we know that? How did the guy on the boat find out about that in order to relate it? We don't know. Andres Oh yeah, good points. Good points. Jason A week into the voyage, the missionary was undressing, getting ready to turn in, and he had the idol on a dresser in his cabin, which I think you wouldn't want it looking at you.

Andres No. Jason It's like getting undressed in front of a cat. It's not actually a crime, but it doesn't feel good. Could be an inside cat. Would you, you don't, you mean an outdoor cat. Don't get dressed in front of an outdoor cat, certainly, or a big cat. But if you do get undressed in the cage, because it's disrespectful to do it outside the cage. It would be disrespectful. Yeah. I mean, chaplains, they don't get, they don't travel home from a war zone every day to get undressed. I don't know what point I make it.

They strip right in front of the men out on the front lines of the war. For morale. Come on boys, you can do it. Woo! So he was getting undressed and he looked over at the idol Woohoo! So he was getting undressed and he looked over at the idol and he saw the idol begin to rock on its pedestal. This action is going to be repeated a few times and I don't know any more information. I don't know if it's rocking from side to side. I don't know if it's nodding backwards and forwards or if it's just shimmying.

I don't know whether the idol is sort of one congruent piece with the pedestal or not. Either way, he's not touching it and it's very strange that it's rocking on the pedestal, but he thinks it must just have been an optical illusion. You know, he's tired. He might have been getting nearer and further away from it very quickly without realising. Yeah, exactly. Maybe he was nodding off to sleep and literally his head was actually moving closer. It does sound a bit leery if he's just taking his clothes off and it's like...

Yeah, he woke to a terrible crashing sound. The ship in great turmoil. A storm had struck in the night and the vessel was going down. He leapt out of his bunk and the only thing he did on the way to the lifeboat was snatch up the idol. But James, it wasn't on the dresser. It was on the cabin floor. Yet maybe it had fallen off when the ship was rolling and pitching. No, somehow in spite of all that movement, it stood upright on the floorboards of the cabin. Most

strange. So with clutching the idol in his nightgown, he ran to the lifeboat and he was rescued. The ship went down and many hands were lost, and presumably wholesalers as well. Yeah, it would be bad luck to just lose their hands. Unlikely, just statistically. Eventually he made it home to Scotland where his wife and his two adult sons were waiting for him. And the sons were training to be doctors in Edinburgh, which is just a classic, classic thing to do.

Yeah. In a story like this. Absolutely. Training to be a doctor in Edinburgh. And those sons were, you know, energetic young boys full of bobbins. They like to get up early and go out swimming and boating on the nearby loch. Boys being boys. Yeah, just general boy stuff. Nothing could go wrong there. Relax.

One night, a few weeks later, the missionary was reading British Weekly. It specifies what he was reading. How Omen knows what he was reading when the story took place, I cannot imagine. But he was reading the British Weekly and he looked up to see the Chinese idol on a sideboard and the idol was once again rocking. Of course, he remembered that that's what he saw just before the storm hit the ship, but he wasn't in a ship now, he was in a house. Yeah, houses can't crash. Houses cannot sink. He slept fitfully that night and rose with a sense of alarm to the sound of a storm. So he went to check on his sons.

Hurriedly he looked in the adjoining bedroom which the two young men shared. As he feared it was empty, and sobbing, he moved desperately from the house to the edge of the swollen, windswept loch where a few crofters had gathered, gazing across the waters. Far out could be seen a tiny craft dancing crazily. Suddenly it seemed to stand on one end, and then disappeared. Crying bitterly, the old man would have cast himself into the perilous waters in a mad attempt to swim to his sons, but kind hands restrained him. Some days later, the loch surrendered the young man's bodies. Very sad. So tragedy had struck. The idol ended up at a friend's house. A sceptical friend who didn't

believe in curses or anything like that. Not a friend of me. Not a friend of me. A true friend. And the house of that friend, it burned down James. Oh, yes. It burned down all apart from one Chinese idol. A wooden Chinese idol as well.

The self same Chinese idol. Yes. And an idol you'd think would be prime for burning. The self-same Chinese idol. Yes. And I don't think would be prime for burning. The idol was sent to a museum. That museum. What do you think? Well, either sank or burnt down. It burned down.

It didn't sink on this occasion. Blew away or was involved in an earthquake could be the sort of to round off the, all the, all the elements. Yeah. Oh, maybe heart would, it could be defeated by wind or I don't know. Loads of monkeys came in and just tore it apart. The museum burned down. Apart from a single Chinese idol, the only thing that remained after the fire seemingly.

The idol was now being returned to the very same young man who came knocking on Dr. Ohlman's door. I think he's the son of the friend whose house burned down. So he lost his parents to this idol. Oh my gosh. Pretty serious. So you can see the predicament he's in. Does he go and collect the idol?

It's on, it's on its way to him right now. What's he going to do? Sell it, sell it to a guy at a port. You could sell it to a guy at a port. And in fact, what he does is to do? Sell it. Sell it to a guy at a port. You could sell it to a guy at a port. In fact, what he does is he comes to ask Dr. Oman's opinion and Oman says, don't worry. We'll go and collect the idol together. And they do that and they bring it back to his hotel room.

He places the figurine on a writing table and immediately calls room service for a load of salt, right. Which I think you need for exorcisms. Okay. Just get me all the salt you've got. And he flashes his mime school card down the phone. It's tough to do it in an audio. I just did it again.

Yeah, it's very hard to do down the phone, isn't it? You need a videophone. Why, what on earth are you going to do? The young man faltered. I am going to exercise it. And not before time, I answered. The killing of the Chinese priest was no doubt a human act, but for what has happened since, this gentleman is responsible.

I took two hotel ashtrays to act as containers for the salt and the water and was washing them in the hand basin when the young man shouted hysterically. I turned quickly and I know that what I saw was no illusion. The idol was rocking on its pedestal. Then the movement suddenly ceased. Burn it! Burn it! Don't risk another tragedy!

The young man pleaded. But Omand cannot be persuaded. He knows the story of the idol needs to end here. He sends the young man away. He says, I'll deal with this. And he performs the exorcism. I have exercised in my time numerous so-called gods, and as many figures and other devices used in black magic, but I shall always think of that Chinese idol as my greatest adversary.

The forms which I used both for the making of Holy Water and the subsequent exorcism were those of my own translation from the primitive Latin. He performed the exorcism James. And then nothing seemed to happen. He had to play the waiting game. He had to wait until dawn to see if the exorcism had been a success or whether he was going to catch on fire or maybe sink. Yeah. It was a long and tedious night.

I read, wrote, and played patience. Between times I looked at the idol, but it remained motionless and devoid of life. At last it was daylight. And it was as great a relief as the all-clear in the London Blitz. The danger was over. I could sleep in peace. I rose late and made my way downstairs in time for lunch. To my surprise, the young man was waiting in the lounge. He came

forward eagerly. Thank you for everything, he said. I shall take the figure with me now." I know how hard he struggled to make that decision. The craven who masters his cowardice is the greatest hero of all. So the Chinese god was taken out of my hotel bedroom, but not out of my life. You will be surprised to know that I see him regularly. Whenever I do, I cannot help reflecting what an uncommonly beautiful fellow he is. So that is just one of the tales of Donald Oman. Donnie Oman. Yeah.

And for balance, I should add, according to the 14 Times article, he was banned from three pubs for drunkenness and one local said it was because he was harassing the female darts team. Oh, balance. Balance. And what was he banned from one pub for stealing ashtrays? Misuse of ashtrays. He was terrible for it. He was washing them up.

He just grabbed them off the table. Half used. Yeah. But also, yeah, not cool about the darts. I feel like if you're ordering that much salt, you get some bubbles. Yeah. And they're not going to bring it loose. They're not going to bring a salt shaker and pour it out into your hand. Could you bring me up a quart of salt grain by grain? Each bellboy carrying a single grain, please. So that's the story of the exorcist and the idol or exorcist idol 2025.

Would you like to score the story of the exorcist and the idol, James? Absolutely. My first category for you is rock and roll. You start with rock and wait a minute, Alistair. Oh wait, no, yeah. It's been 251 episodes. Sorry, I forgot. You are very much broken with convention there.

Just forgot the other categories. All right, forget that. That threw me. Erase that from your memory, listener. The first category is names. And please try to remember Don Gile. When naming. So Donnie Omond, great name.

Donnie the Omond. I like it. Gustav. Gustav the Strongman. Gustav, not his real name, but still a good name. We didn't get the name of the darts team that was so harassed. We don't know any of the name of the darts team. I see them as probably a Sarah in there, maybe a Meg. Oh, I was thinking of like the team name.

Oh, the team name. The High Flyers or the, you know, the good at darts, true errors. Yeah. 100 and ladies. Oh, 100 and ladies. Doesn't really work as a pun, but they could be called that. They could. Yes.

It's three. It's three. It's solid. It's three. There's a couple of Dons in there. Yeah. We got Donald Ommond and Don Gille. And Donny Osmond.

And the idea of Donny Osmond. Yes. Yeah. We don't know the names of the OIPD agents, but we do know that the OIPD, that's a cool name. That's a very cool name. Yeah. No, it's a solid three.

It's a solid three. I'm not going to budge. Category the second supernatural. Ooh, wow. I didn't even mention when he did the Bermuda triangle. I just skimmed it. That just, yeah, as a sidebar. Yes. He he did the Bermuda triangle. I just skimmed it. That just, yeah, as a sidebar. Yes.

He exercised the Bermuda triangle. Oh, by the way, just to exercise the Bermuda triangle. Don't like to talk about it. Is that why we can't find the Loch Ness monster now? Exercised. Boom. I believe, I believe he exercised the demonic presence, but not the monster itself, because you can't exercise away a monster. So I think that, I think it may be the case that there is a Loch Ness monster and

bad luck, it was possessed. And he exercised it to make it nicer. Was that the presence, the old, what was the wickedest man in England? What was he called again? I've forgotten his name. Alistair Crowley. Alistair Crowley was supposed to have done some sort of right on the, on, in a house on the edge of Loch Ness. Yes.

And brought on a malevolent presence. So maybe he was ex busy exercising that. He probably just, yep. It's probably just canceled that out. Yeah. It's, I mean, this, I like the idea of this idol. I like it. And you might think, oh, it could have just been a coincidence that those,

those ships sank and those two houses burned down and then didn't anymore. But I, I like the idea of the cursed idol. And I also like the idea of the TV program, Exorcist Idol 2025. Yeah, that's a good idea. And you can't have that without the story. So I'm giving it a, I'm giving it a five. Yes. Yeah.

Excellent. Oh, so I got all this salt for nothing. Grain by grain. My next category for you, James is rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Because the idol rocked, didn't it? It rocked.

It also literally rocked on its pedestal. Yes, the boat. Being a member of the jet setting OIPD, putting out fires all around the world. That's pretty rock and roll, isn't it? That is pretty rock and roll. Having a beef with a female dance team. Pretty... Yeah. That's not that

cool actually. I mean, a lot of rock and roll stars have been revealed to be problematic in similar areas. Yes, that's true. And they've probably been banned from drinking establishments as well. Yes, they've Nick, they've done more than steel ashtrays. Yeah, but they've definitely got to weird stuff in hotel rooms. Yep. So that's quite rock and roll. Also, if it doesn't, I don't know what your final category is. This idol sounds like a weeble. It is.

That is not a final category. It is like a weeble. Now, James, remind me, weebles, they wobble? Correct. Yes. Do they fall down? No, they do not. They wobble, but they don't fall down. That is the thing. They They wobble but they don't fall down. That is the thing, they wobble but they don't fall down.

Weeble PD. In case you don't know what a weeble is, what, have you been living under a rock in the 1970s? Have you been living under a weighted egg? Yeah, it's basically a weighted egg. So what's your score for Rock and Roll? Rock and Roll! Oh, it's five out of five.

Oh, good. Because I think there was a bit more rocking than there was rolling, but good. I'm glad you didn't notice that. Oh, no, no, no. It's all the same. My final category for you then, James, in this tale of Dr. Ullman is, you're lying. I just want to run you through that wordplay. Yes. That's you're lying, as in you your lion, a lion that belongs to you.

Yes. It sounds to the ear like you're lying. You are lying. You're lying. Because I just don't know how much I believe of this story. Yes. It's lacking in a lot of the essential details I would want from a story that I thought was true. You mean the name of the newspaper the guy was reading wasn't enough?

I just, how do you know what newspaper a guy is not even related to the guy who is telling the story, the guy who was reading the newspaper, is like his dad's friend. And I just don't know how you would know. Why would he tell you specifically what he was reading? It was more specific. It said what he was reading about. I just didn't know how you would know. Why would he tell you specifically what he was reading? It was more specific. It said what he was reading about. I just didn't bother telling you that because it's clearly an irrelevant detail. But we don't know his name or which county he lived in. Yeah, I, it's, you're lying.

I think some people might be lying. If I were Donald Omond, I would be very concerned about the lack of specific details in the book. I would maybe have a word with the editor. The provenance of the idol. Yeah, and I would be going to the chief of the OIPD, slamming my badge on the table and saying, Chief McGrift, I demand answers. I briefly forgot he was Scottish.

Chief, if you want me in the OIPD, I need proof. Omen, you're off the case. I work better alone. You got a head in your badge and your dowsing rods. Take these pocketfuls of salt as well. Put them in an ashtray. What are you? You forgot how we do things.

Shove them in your own ashtray, Chief. You forgot how we do things here at the OIPD. You're going at you. Ah, that was a lovely, lovely side play. I'm allowed to do that sort of thing. I mean, equity. Flash my badge. I went to mime school.

And James went to mime school and you mimed that chief so well. I was pointing so much. I'm going to give you a high score for this Alistair. I'm just also in part because I amuse myself yesterday by when talking to my kids about the, what are the books they're reading at school at the moment. I referred to it as Ryan, the witch and the wardrobe, which was a very, very different vibe. And then in correcting myself, I called it the lion rich. It's just, it's just boys in a cupboard.

It's just two boys in a cupboard. Ryan Rich. That's another possible name for this podcast. Two boys in a cupboard. I can't believe we didn't call it that. Much catchier. Yes, definitely. Is it too late to rebrand?

Yeah, no, that's from now on. That's what the podcast is called. Here's to 250 more episodes. Five out of five for you, Ryan. No, you're not Ryan. You're Lion. You're Lion. You're Lion. Why Lion? Why Lion, darling? You've been listening to Two boys in a cupboard. So what do you say about James?

One rocking idol. That idol absolutely rocked out. It was a rock idol. Yes. Alistair, what could listeners do if they wanted to hear more, probably some outtakes from that episode and almost all the other episodes? Well, James, there is a way. Hop onto the internet and type in

patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. Can I just use a symbol for forward slash or do I have to type out the whole word? You should type out the whole word and then delete it and then use the symbol. Brilliant. And then when you get there, put your credit card details into the internet. It doesn't matter which website you're on. Do that. Somehow bonus content will come to your ears. You'll join the Lorefolk. Thank you very much all the Lorefolk

who already did those things. Thank you to Joe for editing this episode. Cheers Joe. If, yeah, yeah, yeah. If needs be. If need be. If needs be. We don't have time to pronounce a long southern E. No. If need be. Let's just stick with the north-western E. If need be. If need be.

Proof of proof it need be. Is that proof but proof be need be? Yeah.