Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep13 - The Guildford Ghoul

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

From an ABC to a haunted Zoologist, James presents another entry in the consistently and succinctly named series "Bits of Folklore From Near Where Alasdair is Going On Tour". James tells of an Aldershot wildcat, a ghost in Guildford and gives a frighteningly accurate explanation of infra-sound. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. I'm James Shankshaft. I'm Alistair Beckett King. And Alistair, it's the potentially final part of the ongoing series regarding your tour? Yes, where you quite randomly do stories that vaguely relate to places I'm going to on tour. Yes, yes, exactly. You're not going there, but the tale is the Guilford Gould. Oh, nice.

Hi, Alistair. Hi, James. Would I be right in thinking you are entering the home stretch of your tour, the Victory Lap? Well, yeah, yeah, exactly. If this were a baseball movie, and you know I'm already out of my element here, go on. I would be, I'd be sliding in slow motion, dust, kicking up loads of dust. Nice.

As someone, I'm going to say the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, catcher. No, that can't be in. Catcher. No. The guy with the mid, what's he called? Well, they were, a lot of them have mitts, but the full, the guy in full armour, you mean? No, I don't mean the backstop. I mean, someone's got the ball and he's passing the ball to try and get it to the to the base. I want to say base, the fielder. He's home base. They should call him a mitcher. Because he's got a mitt.

Yeah. And so I'm sliding, and are they going to get it there? And then a little guy goes, he's safe. And he does whichever is the correct arm movement for that. Yeah, yeah, no. Just as a clear, I'm doing it. You can't hear, but I'm just doing exactly the right arm gesture. I'm basically like a karate guy holding a gun, chopping with the gun.

Wait a minute. So, yeah, the tour's nearly over to answer your question. If you do that with both hands, you're just giving the guns to someone. Piyo, piao, piao. Am I, pia. Yeah, but one hand is in karate chop mode, and the other hand is finger guns. And it's like, hiya, he's safe. You're like an action figure, basically.

You've got the two options that they have, which is either. An open hand or a grabby hand. Yes. Classic action figure vibes. Well, Alistair, I didn't bring you here to discuss either Mr. Baseball or a league of their own, the only two baseball films I can think of at the top of my head. I have found some more folklore related to the places that you were going to on your tour. Yes, brilliant.

Are you going to the town Aldershot? I am. That is the town. named after what I drink when I am in de club. I drink all de shot. And are all de babes there? Not for long, no. Yeah, at first, yeah.

And then they're all in de Q4 de cloak room to pick up their cloaks. Yes, I think when this goes out, I think I'll be there tomorrow. Is he really? 10th of April. The 10th of April. What a time. 2026. 2026.

Yes, that's a real good point. Anyone not listening to this in the year 2026, 2026, 26, you're going to have to find a different Alistair Beckett King tour. Yeah. Presumably, it's going to be hitting this similar key areas. So this series will be evergreen. I like your presumption that this podcast will be entered into the historical record and the future generations will be like, oh, I can't see ABK on tour.

Because it's the year three. We're in the British Library. I forgot we were in the British Library. Yeah. We should probably talk less about baseball films and more about folklore. Otherwise, we're going to be making a mockery of their Dewey

system. But Alistair, Older shot, you say. Is near some places that we have talked about such as Godalming. Oh. Which is what I say when I go to the museum,

to the museum. and there's an exhibition of vases. Is it... I don't have you in here. I'm squinting. I'm squinting in a what kind of a way? It's like, oh God, all ming. Oh, I got it.

I'm bored of the lack of variety of historical vases. Yes. My eyes are now fully open and filled with understanding of your wordplay. But your eyeballs have rolled back in your head. It's quite terrible. A certain amount of rolling, yeah. We have also talked...

Do you remember Mother Ludlam? I think... It certainly rings a bow. Mother Ludlam. Mother Ludlam, she had a cold... Yeah, that's what you have written on your wallet, right? Yeah. Yes, that's how I can tell if I'm ever robbed in a diner.

And I'm wearing my... I'm with stupid T-shirt. Yeah, Mother Ludlam. She lived in a cave in so... That was near here. Near Waverly Abbey, the ruins of Waverly Abbey. Oh. They're right by this, Alistair.

And should you go to said ruins, please keep your wits about you because there has been a spate of Puma sightings. Oh, okay. It's the stalking ground of the Surrey Puma. Several hundred reported sightings of that in the 60s. What, that is more than I was expecting. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. People glimpsing an unusually large feline animal or injuries to livestock. And that started in September 62, peaked in 64 and continued until 67. It was thought at first to be a cheater, but then in 64 it was whittled down to being a puma. And then everyone kind of called it the sorry puma after that. Downgraded to puma. Downgraded to puma status. I'm going to bust you down to puma.

Oh. This is, of course, from. friend of the show, Laura of the Land, Westwood and Simpson. I think, though, James, I'm just in a little sidebar looking up how long pumas live, because I don't think any puma that was at large in the 1960s is a present threat to my well-being. Well, Alistair, what if that puma had been there

since the late 1700s? What? I mean, when it would be so old? It would be a decrepit, what is it? It would be the oldest peopest. It would be complaining about young pumas listening to... It would be a racist puma. Yeah, and it would be saying that they shouldn't be listening to their music on buses out loud or something.

Is that the thing at the minute? Yeah, it'd be putting a hip out trying to put St George's flag on a lamp post. Yes. This big cat, this potential big cat sighting, was relayed in 1825 by a guy called William Cobbett, who I don't know if you know who he is, but I think you would like him. He was a radical pamphleteer for a start. Radical?

It was radical pamphleteer. Was he a bodegious panfleteer? Yeah, big time. He was a politician of that time, and he was, amongst other things, according to a cursory glance at his Wikipedia, he was against the enclosure act. He was trying to get that repealed.

I'm already on side. He was an advocate for the poor and working class peoples. Doesn't say what his thoughts were about daylight savings, but I'm thinking that in your eyes he's on the right side of history. He's ticking a lot of my boxes, yeah. Yeah, he seems a good guy. Just for the record, I am against people playing their music on buses as well.

So, you know, we're all a little bit elderly puma. Sometimes you die a cheetah, or you live long enough to become a an old racist puma. To be down. To a racist puma. To an elderly, a multiple hundred-year-old racist puma. But yeah, no, this guy, William Cobbett. Willie Cobb's.

Willie Cobbs. Was a visiting Farnham, which is where he was born and grew up. And he was taking his son, Richard round to have a little look. Dickie Cobs. Richard Cobbitt? Richard Cobbitt, the former games journalist and video game developer, who I know

probably doesn't listen to this, but if he does, shout out to Richard, you've got the same name as this guy from history. Okay, good. I didn't want to think that it was the same person. It can't be the same person. He's not an elderly puma. No, so they were walking around Waverly Abbey and William told his son about something

that he had seen near a certain tree there. And I'm not going to do a silly voice for William Cobbitt. I'm going to do a respectable voice. Good. I showed him an old elm tree. No. I'm going to do a better voice. Are you backing out of the voice?

I showed him an old elm tree, which was hollow even then, into which I, when a very little boy, once saw a cat go that was as big as a middle-aged spider. That was a big-old-aged spider? It was as big as a middle-sized spaniel dog. Now, what I like there, I really like this William Copic guy now, Because he's not just said it was the size of a dog, because, as previously discussed, there are many sizes of dog. One of the most variably sized animals, dogs.

Yes. Yeah. All the way from Toy Chihuahua to Great Dane. Are they bigger than Irish Walthounds? Oh, yeah, I forgot about them. And the Irish Walthound. But no, this is a middle-sized spaniel dog. Boom.

Not only has he given us the breed, he's given us something. within the type of the breed. That's really good work. Yeah. Now, how big is that? Because I would have thought a wild cat would be about that size. It's dog size.

Because aren't cats just only a little bit smaller than dogs? Cats, on the whole, apart from like the main coon, they're pretty, and kittens, they're pretty consistent in their sizing, aren't they?

They're cat size. Yeah, do we need to get working on that? Because we've done it with dogs. Let's make cats bigger. You want to increase the size of a cat or specialise them. Yeah, I've seen studio Jibbley films. Let's get a massive cat.

You want a cat big enough to be hollowed out and used as public transport? Yeah, that would be ideal. Who wouldn't? Hmm, the cat? The cat might not like it, yeah. It would be smelly. I want to ride around on a big Irish wolf cat. Oh, yeah.

I see a guy quite regularly when I ride my bike who's got a big Irish wolfhound. he's not massive walking it and it really looks like it's like an ugly horse. He's only just bigger than dog size. Well, one could inaccurately describe. Well, actually, that's a good point about the cat thing because that comes back into it because. So he says it was as big as a middle-sized spaniel dog for relating which, I got a great scolding for standing to which, as in insisting it was true, I at last got a beating, but stand to which I still did. He was scolded and beaten for saying he saw a large cat?

Yeah. They were so accurately as well. They were so strict in those days. Yeah. I mean, that's good though. He stood up for his work. He knew what he'd seen. Yeah, good for you.

He did what he'd seen. It was a big cat. I have since many times repeated it and would take my oath of it to this day. When in New Brunswick, I saw the great wild grey cat, which is there called a lucifee. and it seemed to me just such a cat as I had seen in Waverly. So, yeah, it's probably a wild cat. A Lucifer, as Laura of the Land says, it's probably a Canadian lynx,

which in French is called a Lou Severe. Is that Lou like wolf? L-O-U-P. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, so it is like a wolf cat. Yeah, a wolf cat. Ooh.

I thought I invented that. That's a cool kind of cat. Yeah. So it could, so yeah, maybe it was a wild cat that had got lost. from Scotland all the way down because it is called Waverly Cathedral. Yeah, they could have been confused. Could have been easily confused with Waverly Station in Edinburgh.

Yes, clearly that's what's happened. I can't remember who, but didn't we have a guest who went to Leicester when they were meant to go to Leicester Square? Oh, oh, oh, oh, that way around. Probably the other way around. And that time I got scolded by a French ticket person for asking to go to Garde Leone, and they acted like I wanted to go to the city of Leon

via the underground. Right. Instead of the station. Yeah, Gadeleon. Well, that's all. It's not like the French to be obtuse and unhelpful. Hmm.

No. Very strange. That's the most mysterious thing you've ever mentioned on this podcast, Jane. The greatest mystery of all, the heart of the Frenchman. So that probably happened

around 1770. So, yeah, all right, it is unlikely that that is the same puma that was seen in the 1970s. Extremely unlikely, because it wasn't a puma. And it was hundreds of years ago.

But they could have been, maybe they lived in a tree, like a little, like a Beatrix Potter or someone. Yeah. I mean, as in like, whatever story? No, what of her story? She was living a hollowed out tree. Okay. That wasn't who Jesus was knocking on for in that famous picture that only I know about. Jesus is knocking on a door in a tree?

Knocking on a door in a tree. And the door's in a tree? Yeah, the door's in the tree. He's knocking on. And there's weeds on the outside of the door. It takes you mean. I don't remember the door being in a tree. I think we've genuinely had this conversation before,

and it has ended with me spamming you with multiple images. Ruining my Google search by searching Jesus knocking on, which, I mean, it could imply that he is, you know, want to see if you want to come ride BMXs around the wreck. Yeah, just the football under his arm. Down the Indian rubber trail. Or it could be knocking on as in, you know, he's not a cheater anymore. He is.

Yeah, exactly. He's knocking on. He's an old lynx. He wants you to come and hold the ladder. So we can put his St. George's flags up because, and that's the lesser known. That's confusing for Jesus. He's like, what's this cross motif?

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Oh, spoilers. But so that's, so, Alistair, I just want you to be on your toes when you are knocking around Waverly Cathedral area. I will be. I will be. Yeah, for giant felines of any age.

And I've got some. other story. Because you're near Gilford, right, out there. Is that right? I don't want to contradict you. Isn't it? I mean, it's nearer than I am to Gilford, because I've got a little tale from Guilford from Ghosts in the Southeast by Andrew Green. And this is quite a spooky little tale, if you would indulge me. The chapter on Gilford insists. It is, it is near Guilford. I've been, I've been quietly checking in the background. And yes, it's not too far. It's not too far. It's not near, but it's not far. You wouldn't walk it. It would take three hours and

36 minutes if you did. Oosh. This book insists that the High Street of Guilford has been described as one of the finest streets in southern England, but I'm not seen it. And Charles Dodgson lived there and died there. Oh, Lewis Carroll? A.k.a. Lewis Carroll, yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Here's a little spooky little tale. So just off the High Street, that apparently beautiful High Street, is a small cluster of flats. And in the 1950s, a professor of zoology, you know, you've got to hope that he's stuck around until the 70s, 60s or 70s, because he could have maybe shed some light on the whole pub. Ding dong.

But he moved into one of the flats and it says to use as a study for he intended to carry out a program of intense research into a particular problem. And he worked away for some weeks. But he noticed when he was quietly concentrating, there was a weird atmosphere in the little room. it describes here, a silent, rather forbidding presence seem to lurk in one corner, a half shadow which never moved, somber and powerful. And he was a scientist, so he was like, I'm going to ignore this weird thing. That's the most scientific thing to do in the situation would be ignore it. Yeah.

And he just felt like infecting his thoughts. And it says he tried to ignore the dark movements of the shadow seen only at the edges of his eyesight. And then one evening, he was like, right, enough's enough. And he spent nearly half an hour examining the room, concentrating on the far corner for some logical explanation of the phenomena. So he's just staring at it now. He's just looking at this thing, whatever it is. Very scientific to just angrily stare at every corner of the room

until one of them admits what it was up to. Admits to being a ghost. I was a ghost. It was me. I love stories about this sort of thing. And I love the explanations about things like infrasound and the different things that can affect people. But I've definitely experienced that sort of thing

where you're in a place that just doesn't feel very nice for one reason or another, where you just feel uncomfortable. Yeah. I mean, mostly, mostly in like green rooms before games. So there's probably reasons why. But I've definitely done things where I'm like, I just don't like being here.

So it's definitely a real phenomenon, but I don't think it's, it's ghosts causing it. Just in case some people haven't listened to Danny Robbins' uncanny podcast, infrasound is the idea that there's like a subsonic noise isn't there that is kind of tweaking people's nervous systems. I think it's a real thing, right? It's not just a hypothesis. The story that I remember hearing is that there was a science lab in a basement and people

used to think it was weird and haunted and they would kind of get a presence out the corner of their eye. They'd, like this guy describes, they'd sort of see, they'd feel someone was in the corner and they couldn't quite look at them. It would always kind of be just out of sight. And one of them, one of

the scientists was a fencer, as in used to with a sword, not as in would put up fences, which I think... Yes, right, yeah. I think it's the same word. But yeah, and he left his blade on the work surface and got on with his work and then turned back and it was it was way waving wildly and rather

than think oh no my fencing sword oh my epa um is that right it's definitely a fencing sword yeah yeah definitely god i don't want to confuse that with an epi pen do you that'd be awful if you were someone was having an anaphylaptic shock and you you call up a fencer and they stab them that'd be disaster. I know we've claimed to be doctors before, but please. Yeah, no, don't. If someone's having anaphylactic shock, don't stab them with anything other than an EpiPen.

Yeah, double check. It's an EpiPen, not an Epi sword. Cool. Okay, can we move on? Listener, can we move on now? Yeah, yeah. Have you said your piece? I think write that down, you know, just make a note.

Well, just, yeah, we'll pop that in the show notes in case anyone needs reminding. not to do that. We'll clip that up. You can send it to a friend. People need to be aware. All right. So, yeah, he saw his sword waving. And rather than thinking, oh, that's the ghost, he did some scientific stuff.

Unlike this guy, he didn't just stare at the corner of the room or wonder. They did some experiments and found that there was a very low level sound like, lower than humans can hear, but evidently of a wave. formation that could affect things physically. And I think they narrow it down to being able to recreate it. And there was even instances where people would, volunteers would be experimented on and they could generate the idea of someone seeing a ghost by pushing these infrasounds. Again, see, a lot of this knowledge comes from podcasts that I listen to whilst falling asleep.

So some of this is dreams, but some of it is hard-called. facts. Yeah. A lot of stuff about epipens, definitely fact. Well, yeah, guys, yeah. When my washing machine

is nearly finished the high spin cycle, it gets really, really, really, really loud. Yeah. And I think it produces infrasound. Well, on the one hand,

I do really hate hanging up washing, but the amount of sort of misery I feel is out of proportion with how much I don't enjoy hanging up washing. So it makes me really sad.

Really? You're washing? Yeah. Just the, just when it's very, very loud, yeah, the deep sound. So I think there's a ghost in the washing machine. And then loads of shirts come out.

Yeah, maybe the ghost is washing its sheets. Yeah, that'll be it. You want to get a washing machine like ours. I can't remember what brand it is, but it plays a lovely song at the end of its cycle. Yeah, it plays a really, really long song, like longer than you'd think. You know, like you might have a da-da-da-da-da.

No, this is... Yeah, yeah. Dda-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Did that little, the door is now unlocked for you. Wow. Because I was just so loud. it would have to be like thrash metal. It would have to be really sort of really heavy stuff.

That's the end of the of the wash cycle song. And it genuinely is that long. And the little bit... That is too long. That's like just doing improvised jazz. Just free-form improvisation for that amount of time. That's ridiculous. You know what?

In our house, we also have a little dance that goes with it. We want a special dance. But weird, it does the, there's the last little coder or whatever, I don't know musical terms, the da-da-da-da-da-da at the very end is that's not, like, file-wise in the machine's computer, that's not part of the same file as the other song. That is triggered by like the door unlocking. I see. And it just happens at the end of the song because that's when the door is unlocked.

But sometimes there's a little glit. glitch and the door won't be unlocked for like a couple of minutes. So you'll be left hanging because we know how the song should end. And we're like, and then like two minutes later. Bouncing on one foot. Come on. Yeah, it's like a game of musical statues.

Bella la la. Yeah. So, Alistair, when you're looking to get a new washer, maybe look into whatever brand that ours is that I can't remember. Yeah, I'm definitely not going to do that. It sounds ridiculous. Maybe that'll cheer you up. Maybe it will.

Maybe it will. But speaking of people that needed cheering up, the zoologist. Do you remember him? Yeah, in his haunted room, yeah. Yes. So he's trying to speed up his work and he's finding that his mind is continuously wandering

to this half shadow that's in the corner of his room. From that description just before, it sort of doesn't say that the shadow disappeared when he examined all the corners, just that he couldn't work out what it was, which is quite terrifying. He didn't want to leave because he didn't want to be beaten by it, but he describes the thing as being an invisible power of unutterable evil,

a force which insinuated thoughts of death into his mind. And it is really like bringing him down. Very gothic. Yeah. He starts to think that his life is in danger. Quote, the feeling was diabolical. And he just, I just had to get out before it was too late. He found a new home in Bramley and moved in.

But he was like, if I'd stayed there any longer, that would have been the end of me. The author, Andrew Green, has looked into this. And there was a rumor that some years previously there was an artist in a studio somewhere around there who had drunk poison that they made themselves either from local weeds or chemicals. From local chemicals. From local chemicals. Or they were dabbling in black magic. which I quote went wrong.

And they don't know whether that could be the site of where the professor had this weird thing happen. But it says here, whether the site is that of the professor's weird experience is not known and is now a matter of conjecture, a rather disturbing one. Hmm. Very spooky.

So, Alistair, if you find yourself, either near Waverly Abbey, watch out for the beast, or renting a flat and doing some zoological research in Guildford. Yep, during my gig, yes. during your gig there on the 10th of April 2026. Even though the gig is in Aldershot, just to be clear, not Guildford.

Yes. A little nomomic to remember that. What does James drink when he goes to de club? Alder shot. Older shots. So are you ready to score those tales? Yeah. So first up, Alistair, would you give me some points for naming?

I enjoyed Billy Cobbs and Dickie Cops. Yeah, Willie Cops and Dickie. My good father's son. Law team. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Some of the cats reported came from Oddyham. Oddy ham.

Oddy ham. And then there was Nippon Ham, but that means that you have to include that whole baseball thing into the main episode. If I referenced it. The big baseball riff. The huge baseball riff. Wow. I mean, riff might be overstating what it wants. It's always diverging where we talked about baseball for ages.

Baseball films and then the one, a couple of Japanese... Baseball team names. Well, I think people will be wanting to hear that when they discover that Nippon Ham came up. Yes, and the Nippon Ham fighters. But what else have we got? We got Oddy Ham. We've got Nippon Ham.

We've got the idea of alien big cats. I mean, I know in this context, alien just means foreign. Yeah, which, which, because, I mean, I guess these things, there must have been at least one case of an animal escaping from a zoo and being spotted.

it must have happened once or twice. Yes. Escaping from a private collection. Yes, or being released because of the 80s. Because of the 80s? Yeah, there was that change of law in the 80s, wasn't it? Or was it the 70s, anyway, that you weren't allowed to keep exotic animals or you had to keep them better. People just let them go.

That's what the... People just went like, here you go, you live in Luton now. Yes. That is apparently... Right. Right. For all these alien big cats. Who would be all the people who have private collections of exotic animals would be awful.

What a twist. You had another twist. I think we're quite low on names. I'm not convinced Alien Big Cats is a name. Ah, damn it. Older shot is a good name. Guilford is fine, I suppose. Gildford.

Apparently it comes from guilt for... It's a gilt ford because it was... There were loads of golden buttercups by the river. And so we put the name Gilt Ford and it's got nothing to do with guilds. Oh, that's nice. This is according to Andrew Green and ghosts in the southeast. Okay. Are you saying that as if we should take that with a pinch of salt? He does as much research as me.

That's got to be unfair because he at least wrote that book, which you were reading. I'm doing less, but I'm misremembering and misrepresenting what he wrote, so I'm by definition doing less than him. Oh, a little thing that was in this chapter that I didn't, the story I didn't get to involved the Quakers religion. and I didn't realize where the name had come from. I don't think I know. They would get all like holy spirited and they'd like shake and stuff.

And that's what it was because they didn't have like a physical manifestation of their God stuff. Yeah. That's why they quen. So it's kind of a nickname that stuck. Yeah, basically. Like the Big Bang. Yes. Was that a nickname?

I think so. Yeah. I think it's, I think I've probably said this on the podcast before. But I think it was a it was a name coined by people who didn't believe the Big Bang theory. Oh. Kind of a pejorative nickname.

Like, oh, a Big Bang. Which is now just what we call it. Oh, big bang. Well, what was it? But I suppose it was a Big Bang, was it? Oh, you think you just happened to a great Big Bang? You think you're going to have a Big Bang? But it's much worse than my theory. Albert, it's your cousin.

Marvin. Marvin Einstein. Know that new theory you're working on? I know it was Einstein that came up with the Big Bang theory. I don't know who did come up with the Big Bang theory. And that was the first scientist that I could think of. I feel like if you said Marvin Hawking, that would have been closer, I think. But I'm not sure.

Right. I'm trying to Google it. Unsurprisingly, if you Google the Big Bang Theory. Once again, I've ruined my Google history. Oh, no. Alexander, it's your cousin, Marvin Friedman from 1922. Yeah, none of us know who this guy is. Or Edwin, it's your cousin, Marvin Hubble?

Okay. Yeah, maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. George, it's your cousin, Marvin. Le Maitre. It seems really works for anyone, doesn't it? Any of the people who seem to be associated,

because it doesn't seem like it was just one person, obviously, it was a combination of giants that they were standing on the shoulders off. Those were some great names that really didn't deserve to be in the category of. I thought I could sneak it in. No, I'm afraid not, James. I'm afraid it's going to have to be a two. Damn it. What? What about Jim Parsons?

I like the names. Richard Parsons. Jim Parsons. Jim Parsons. Or Sheldon Cooper. This is just the actors from the Big Bang theory. These are the Big Bang Theory. Don't make me turn it into a one. Don't make me downgraded to an elderly puma who's won.

For a score. Okay. All right then. We'll move on quickly to Supernatural. Very supernatural. A corner of a room? A shadow in a corner of a room. A shadowy corner that makes you feel really sad.

I mean, yeah, there's something going on there. That is a really good story. It's very psychological. Very spooky and unsettling. Very good. A cat going into a tree that you get beaten because you described is baffling. Yeah. Weird more than supernatural, but good.

He really does narrow it down to being, I think it was. exactly this type of wild cat. Yeah. But it was odd that I saw it in Waverly Abbey rather than Waverly Stition. Yes, yeah, not that supernatural. But I think maybe a decent, honest, hardworking three out of five. Okay, good. That's the sort of thing that Willie Cobbs would have liked, I think.

Yeah. A unenclosed three out of five. Yeah, exactly. Fine then. My fourth, no, my third category, changing his spots. Because a leopard can't change his spots. Yes.

And nor presumably can a puma? Do they have spots, pumas? Yeah, I think so. A couple. Right. I think on their ears. Yeah? I've Googled Puma and I've just got the trainer brand.

He's happened to him again. I'm getting angry. It's a cougar, a puma. A puma's a cougar. A puma's a cougar. The cougar, or puma concholore. I'll just Google cougars, nothing. could go wrong here.

Cougar holds the Guinness World Record, Alistair. Four? Four. For being the animal with the greatest number of names. Oh! What congratulations. It's got over 40 in English alone. That is a lot, actually.

That is too many. So how does change its spots apply to the story of the haunted botanist or whatever it was, zoologist? I'll get to that. what I've thought of it. Okay. How does it apply to the big cat story? Willie Cobbs. He wouldn't change his spots.

How'd you mean? Because he stuck to his story even though it meant he was administered debating. He stood by his principles, true. He stood by his principles. Although, yeah, the story of changing his spots normally means being reformed, that people can't be reformed. Oh, does it? Rather than that.

Yeah, I think so. It's normally used when people aren't able to change bad behavior. Well, that's not fair on leopards. It's absolutely not fair on leopards. And also, famously, leopards and not actually have spots, aren't they rosettes or something? I think it's one of them things.

Are they, because they've won loads of Guinness World Records. Yes, for having so many names. They just keep re-entering the competition. That's what it is. Very cheeky. Yeah. Okay, then. The zoologist guy, or the haunting present,

didn't change its spots because it wanted to take another, claim another life. But I believe it did move from one corner to another, did it not? No, he just said it was in the corner, but there was a little move. Okay. So it didn't change its spot in the room? Oh, yeah, thanks. That's great. Okay, all right.

You might have a point. Yes. You are staring down the barrel of one point here because I was getting ready to say zero. But it is a spooky, shadowy, one hovering just on the edge of vision. Ah, maddening me, driving me mad. Um, okay, then final category. Alder scores.

Well, very good. Yeah. Although, perhaps it would have been a more triumphant category if the scores up to this point had been good. Yes. Yes, it would. Yes, it would have. Yes, yeah.

Really, yes. Mm, a lot of pressure on this category. I don't want to get low scores. in older categories. But you have. You have. Okay. What did you get in the previous categories?

It was a two and then a one and then a three. I mean, yes. No, two or three, two, three, one. Yeah. Well, that adds up to six. Yes. Which is way too many. So I guess I'm compelled to round it down to five.

Yes. Wonderful stuff. Thank you very much. I'll take all the scores. Well, there you go. Those are all the scores you receive. you've added up. Thank you very much.

So imagining some of the riffs can't have made it through the editing process. Surely not. And those are to be found if you join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Tickets to Alistair's tour are in the show notes. Well, I'll link for you to buy them. And also come see us in Oxford on July 1st

as part of the Oxford Comedy Festival. I'll put up our link in the notes for that as well. And thank you to Lawrence for editing. And thank you to you, the listener, for listening. Thank you, Lawrence, and the listener.