Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep14 - The Long Pack

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

A gang of burglars come a cropper in a Northumbrian country house, in this strange tale from the North Country. It's basically an 18th century Home Alone, with a trigger-happy teen, a put-upon parlour maid and a haunted backpack. Alasdair is back from his tour, with a fresh stack of pamphs in hand! This tale of thwarted crime comes from the legendary Ettrick shepherd, James Hogg. Come see us in Oxford on the 1st July 2026 Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, Alistair Beckett King. And me, James Shankshaft. And James, I've got a tale for you. Yeah. Ripped, ripped, ripped from the pages

of strange tales and legends of the North Country. Oh, yes, please. Rinched, wrenched from the very paper. How strange. They're as strange as they are northern. Oh, very. The answer is very. Lovely.

It's the legend of the long pack. Well, James, as you know, I've been on tour. And nigh on everywhere I go, a listener comes up to me and thrusts a trance of pampfs into my sweaty little hands. I think I'm up to five individual pampes now. Wow, that's Maltopanth. Moldo panf. Moldo pamp. And today, I'm going to tell you a story from one of three panths given to me by Alice,

from the very active on the lawfolk Discord. Oh, yeah. And all three of these are by C.T. Oxley. Nice one, Alice. Nice one. C.T. Oxley. I'm guessing. I have got Strange Tales of the North Country. I'm not going to read anything from that one. I've got Strange Tales and Legends of the North Country. A similar, you can see what area he was working in there. Yeah, the North Country, yeah.

I'm going to read you a tale from that one. And James, it's been a while since I did a story. Can you remind me? I think the format on this podcast is, I read a story or you read a story, and then at the end of that, we do a quick Yorkshire quiz, and then we do the scores. Is that correct?

Sure. Yeah. Well, good news, because I have the third edition of Believe It or Not by C.T. Oxley, a Yorkshire quiz. Wow. Believe it or not. After the story, I'll give you a few. questions from the Yorkshire quiz. You will know some of them.

Okay. I'm a little, I'm a little apprehentious that, to me, I'm no quiz master, but I think that is undermining my confidence in the reliability of the quiz. If I'm not being asked to believe in it, it should just be high-facked. No, I think they are all, I think they're all true. I mean, James, are you impugning the honesty of C.T. Oxley? No, but I just, I'm just, I'm calling into questionaire marketing skills. Is it marketing? Is that the right word? Branding maybe.

Yeah, branding, yeah. Well, okay. Well, you don't have to believe C.T. Oxley. I am given the option to not, evidently. By their own words. The first story from Strange Tales and Legends of the North Country is the long pack, which doesn't come directly from C.T. Oxley. It comes from James Hogg, the Etric Shepherd.

Jimmy Hogg? absolutely he's high on the hog he's high on the hog of being a famous storyteller from Etric now you can go to Etric now a place right and yeah

it's in on the Scottish borders and on the Scottish side and you can see there's a monument to him in Etric and you can go and see the James Hog exhibit and James if you open the envelope I've sent you on that message

you can see a picture of the exhibit there, and they've got a waxwork figure, which somehow looks simultaneously like Doctor Who and a Doctor Who monster at the same time. Yes, yeah. And then, is that meant it, there's a painting behind, so there's a stern-looking guy with a shepherd's crook sat at a desk. Yes, and a distinctly receding hairline

to the extent that it looks like a wig has been blown off, or just slipped. Yeah. Is that a picture of him behind himself? If it is, very dissimilar. He, yeah, it's kind of, it's like a reverse Dorian Gray. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because he looks absolutely terrible. In the painting, he looks great. Yeah.

That's how normal paintings work actually, isn't it? Yeah, that's standard. That's the whole concept of it. Good work, Oscar Wilde, now that you think about it. That's quite clever. He's done, the, the painting, Jimmy Hogg does look really upset. He does look really upset. The waxed work, Jimmy Hogg, looks very sternly upset.

Yeah, furiously upset. Yeah, a different kind of upset. He's working his way through the stages of grief in effigy form. I guess there'd be like a caricature of him in denial. And bargaining? It's very hard to sculpt someone bargaining. Maybe an NFT of him bargaining. Oh, no. So this is James Hogg, the Etric Shepherd.

and he published a chat book or his story was published in a chat book and one version that I've seen calls it a Northumberland tale and 100 years old Oh nice And the other calls it a Scottish tale Which I guess it is because he was Scottish

But it's set in Northumberland in both cases Oh that's that's confusing That's like when they talk about like a British film But it's set in America or Because for example The Lord of the Rings films Are they, who, does anybody think they're British? Are they New Zealand films or are they Middle Earth films?

Yeah, well also, yeah, New Line Cinema's an American production company. Is it New Line? Okay. The pamphlets also disagree about other little details. It either happened in the year 1722 or 1723 that Colonel Ridley returned from India with what in those days was accounted an immense fortune. 1,000 pounds, James. Read him and weep.

Swoo. Yeah. And an important note, in this story, Colonel Ridley is a good guy. Okay. So you just have to accept that this guy, he came back from India with loads of money, and that's good. And he got it through legitimate means. Legitimate means. Legitimate means that would stand up to modern day views?

I think 100%, yes. Hmm. Okay. So with all that, what's the opposite of ill-gotten? Well-gotten gains, he retired to a fine Northumbrian house decked out in all of the fabulous accoutrements that honestly acquired money can buy. Nice. Are you warming to Ridley? I just need to check.

Yeah, I like the Ridley. I'd nearly call him the Ridley. Great stuff. He's out of the story. Oh. He's not going to appear in the story again. But his house is going to play a big part in it. He has gone off to that London for the winter and taken his family with him.

Okay. It is warmer. And Ridley's house is standing empty apart from three domestics and a few plowmen and other general peasant guys. And of course all of the fabulous things that he spent all of his money on. Yes. Riches. Allow me to introduce you to his attractive maid servant, Alice. Hello. His pious old man named Richard. Hi.

Not clear on what Richard's job is. He's just an old man. His job is old man. I guess getting people to turn the music down. In my experience, quite the opposite, actually playing TikTok very loud on public transport. Ah, that sort of old man. You're an OAP.

Don't do that. What are you doing on TikTok? Read a book. Read a book, old man. And the third domestic is Edward, the 16-year-old cowherd. Oh. The boy, Edward.

The cowboy. So this is our cast of characters. And one more is about to enter. He is a peddler. And he comes into Alice's parlour. A cyclist. He's a tradesman, someone who goes from market to market as well, you know, James. Yeah, I know.

I'm being silly. I was being a bit silly. Carrying a huge pack on his back. Like out of Legend of Zelda, yes. Yeah? Does Zelda have a pack on his back? No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. One, Zelda's the princess. Yeah. Sorry, the main character in Zelda. Yeah. And, no, there's a guy that you buy stuff off who's called like Beedle or something. Jeremy Beedle is in Zelda. Yes, it's Jeremy Beedle.

Oh. And does he take a beard off so you realize it's him? Yes. He's like, what the main character of this game, Zelda, doesn't know? Look, if he isn't called Zelda, they should have called the game something else. And speaking of links, let's get back to the story. So the peddler comes in and he's carrying a huge. Now, this story is called The Long Pack.

Ah, this makes sense. Is this the titular Long Pack? The main character, The Lost Pack. Exactly. The protagonist has arrived. Zelda. The pack is called Zelda. It's a big pack.

It's wrapped in canvas with ropes. And you can imagine the kind of thing full of handkerchiefs and trinkets and hat boxes and that sort of stuff. And the peddler is unusually handsome and loquacious and charming. Nice. Well, that's fine. Sure. And he immediately tries to put the moves on Alice, and she's having none of it. I'm afraid to tell you, James, he ravishes a kiss from her. Yikes. Not call peddler.

Yeah, peddler cancelled. Basically, he's chatting her up and saying, can he stay the night in the parlour? Because he's got a long walk ahead to get to town and the pack so heavy. And she is having none of it. She says, no. She says, no, you absolutely can't stay here. the master is away, he'd be furious, no, you can't stay. And he's very, very pushy. And he says, but I'm so tired, I've got this huge pack.

Because the thing is, you have to be careful in that situation, don't you? Because sometimes in that situation, it's Jesus in disguise, isn't it? It can often be Jesus in disguise. You don't want to wake up in the morning and find yourself turned to stone. Sorry, when you said it, you had the rhythm of transformers. He's a very sneaky transformer. Jesus. It could easily be. Yeah. Oh, but I did

come, I was that sporty hatchback you saw. Oh, no. It was Jesus. But in this case, it's not Jesus. That was a really good sound of Jesus transforming. In this case, it's not Jesus. It is just a peddler. But she doesn't know. She's feeling a bit bad about it, but he says,

I've got to go the pack so heavy. She says, well, why don't you leave the pack here? And you can go into town, then you can come back tomorrow and pick it up. That's the only, that's my Last offer. That's fair play, right? That seems like a good deal. Yeah.

Yeah, very reasonable. And he says, fine. And he goes, and she starts to spin for the night. She goes to a spinning wheel. To a spinning class. She goes to hot yoga. Cool. And now I'm just leafing through the pamph.

For any more exercises? Here's what the Etric Shepherd said. When Alice in the Pack were left in the large house by themselves, she could not for her life. Quit thinking of the Pamp. pack one moment. What was in it which made it so heavy that its owner could not carry it. She would go and see what was in it. It was a very curious pack. At least she would go and handle it and see what she thought was in it. She went into the parlour, opened a wall press.

She wanted nothing in the press. She never so much has looked into it. Her eyes were fixed on the pack. Should we translate press? For cupboard, yeah, I think. Press is cupboard. Yeah, presses a term for cupboard. I've never heard it used outside of Ireland. Yeah, no, I've only heard it in Ireland. You got the cold press and fridge, I believe. Oh. And that might have been someone pulling my leg. So is that where they make all that cool coffee is made in the fridge? Yes. Yes. And so a trouser press would just be a trouser cupboard in Ireland. And I think I brought that question up. And that's why you were hounded out of Ireland along with the snakes. Yes, basically, yes. So wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's get back to it. So she is

obsessed by the peddlers long package. But well, yes. Yeah, allow me to describe it in even more detail. Great. Her eyes were fixed on the pack. It was square the one way, but not square the other way. It was a monstrous queer pack. So she cannot get this thing out of her mind. And by the way, James, I should have said,

there's going to be a twist in this story, which is so shocking and unforeseeable. I think, just brace yourself. There's no way. Can I audibly put my bets in a sealed envelope? Yes, yes. please put your vets in a sealed envelope. Close that envelope.

It's Zelda from the legend of Zelda. Okay, well, let's see if the pack contains Zelda, the main character from the video game series, Zelda. Or it's Jesus. Or it could be Jesus. So she tries to spin, but she can't spin, and she says to herself, it is a very droll pack,

Yon, what made the man so very earnest with me to tarry all night? Never was a man so importunate. What in the world has he got in it? It is a confounded queer pack after all. It's so long and so thick. It's a terrible queer pack. Wow, this better be Jesus.

Otherwise, it's very rude. It's not Jesus, but it has one thing in common with Jesus, which is... Hold on. Holes in its hands. No, no. Keep guessing. Second try. It messed up a church that time.

No, no, that's not messed up a church. Smart. You mean tipping over the tables in the temple? Tipping over the tables in the temple. know it all kid. Yeah, being a really smug child, no. That's not what it has in common with Jesus. Hates football.

Likes raisins. It's alive, James. Oh, okay. So, that helped me to read from the pamp. She lighted a candle and went again to the parlour, closed the window shutters and barred them. But before she came out, she set herself upright, held in her breath and took another steady

and scrutinizing a look at the pack. God of mercy, she saw it moving as visibly as ever. she saw anything in her life, every hair in her head stood upright, every inch of flesh on her body crept like a nest of piss mires, which is ants, as we know from the previous episode. We do. Don't need to believe that. Otherwise, it sounds even worse. I would sound so bad. So she immediately sounds the alarm and shouts, Richard, Richard, get in here. And the old man, Richard comes about as fast as he can. And Edward, who's outside shooting birds with his gun. Cowboy style.

Yeah, well, it's a massive gun. In fact, I've got a picture of it for you. I don't know if this is actually the picture, but if you look in your little information pack, James. A long envelope, yeah. You should be able to see a long gun. Oh, yeah, wow. By the name of Copenhagen.

He gave it the name Copenhagen. So it's a big, sort of antique rifle that he has. I don't know if it's a rifle. I don't think this picture's accurate, because that's clearly a two-handed gun and various points in the story. He's holding the gun and something else. Anyway, it's massive.

It's old. Hey, he's shooting from the hip. Which may explain why he almost never hits any of the birds he tries to shoot. The best he manages usually is to get a few spots of blood on the snow outside, it says. Wow. He comes running in and Alice says, the pack's moving up. The pack is alive. And Richard thinks she's gone loopy.

And Edward steps up and says, well, I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't I shoot the pack? I've got this gun. To see if it's alive. Yeah, I've got, wait a minute, I've got this gun, he says. We know you always talk about it. You named it Copenhagen. And Richard's saying, no, hold your peace, you fool. He keeps saying, hold your peace. But Edward is very, very, extremely persuasive and really articulate for a 16-year-old from Northumberland in the olden days.

Who's obsessed with gun. Yeah, who loves gun. This is what Edward says. In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety, and I will maintain this to be our safest plan. our master's house is confided to our care and the wealth that it contains may tempt some people to use strategums. Now, if we open up this man's pack

he may pursue us for damages to any amount. But if I shoot at it, what amends can he then get of me? If there is anything that should not be there. Lord, how I will pepper it. And if it is lawful goods, he can only make me pay for the few that are damaged, which I will get at valuation.

So if none of you will acquiesce, I will take all to blame myself and wear a shot on it. Is that really what he's sort of, Did you just say, let me shoot it, please? I think it was like, I've got a gun, let's just shoot it. Let's just shoot and see what's in there.

If you touch it with your hands, you'd be liable, but if I touch it with my bullets, it's fine. That's logically, this is the only option available to them. So he shoots the pack. And gracious God, the blood gushed out upon the floor like a torrent and a hideous roar, followed by the groans of death issuing from the pack. James, there was a man in the pack. Oh, no.

Was it Zelda the lead character to the legend of Zelda, man? It's Zelda from Zelda. And he doesn't even have the strength to hold a thing above his head happily. No, he's dead. That's him with the bullet. Oh, no, fully dead. He's fully dead. All his heart's gone.

The fairy nowhere to be seen. Oh, no, Zelda. I mean, to be fair, he actually takes quite a while to die and they make no effort to help him. They just run around madly. Edward runs out of the house and nearly gets over the horizon and then they say,

no, come back, where are you going? And he just runs straight back. Does he try and shoot the guy better? Shoot bullets of health into him, quickly. Yeah. Instead of mouth to mouth, why don't I shoot some air into his lines? It's like, yeah, this kid is an odd ball, I think.

By the way, the story comes from Edward eventually telling it supposedly to James Hogg. So, yeah, so Edward is the source for this story. I'm not sure he comes out of it brilliantly. So Richard's terribly upset because he's a pious old man. He's praying for the soul of a poor man who died in sin

because surely he was up to something to have packaged himself up in a pack like that. And sure enough, as they unwrap him, they find, I think, four guns. The way that he was packed up was artful and curious. His knees were brought up parallel to his navel and his feet and legs were stuffed in a hat box.

another hat box, a size larger, and wanting the bottom, made up the vacancy betwixt his face and knees. And there being only one fold of canvas around this, he breathed with the greatest freedom. But it had unloutedly been the heaving of his breast which had caused the movement noticed by the servants. His right arm was within the box, and to his hand was tied a cutlass with which he could rip himself from his confinement at once. There were also four loaded pistols secreted with him, and a cutlass gripped in his hand. Uh-oh. So the Cutler's would have allowed him to tear himself free of the pack and no doubt set upon the people in the house.

I would say I think his mistake was not doing that when Edward made a really long speech about his intention to shoot him. Yeah, yeah. That would have been the moment to burst out of the pack, I think. Or just say, please don't shoot me. I'm in the pack. Hold on. There's been a terrible mistake.

A peddler tricked me into getting into his pack. So he's dead, but they quickly realize he's probably not alone. You know, there's the peddler and there's probably a whole gang of people planning to rob the house once the inhabitants are dead. But they've got the edge on them. And they've also got four extra guns. Yes, nice. So they... Edward is loving it.

They're packing heat. Edward's like, this is the best day of my life. So they wake up all the plowmen and all the sandwiches. And everyone's got to go. I think they've got 16 guns now. So they've got someone at all the windows, and they wait for the attack, but it doesn't come. Now, I forgot to tell you that one of the things they found with the man was a silver wind call. And I can't find, I think that's a whistle.

I can't find any other usage of wind call for whistle. If you search for it, you just find this story. But I reckon it's a whistle because when Edward, without telling anyone, shoots it. Pops a little testy test bullet into it with his gun. He blows it out the window, which alarms the whole house, of course, but it also alarms the gang.

The gang. Yeah. How many gang? Well, it doesn't say exactly, but about half a dozen, definitely more than there are in the house. So at least six or seven, I would say, men on horseback come charging towards the house.

So it's just high noon, all guns blazing. It's the noon of night. It's high noon of night. Oh, it's the low noon. It's the lowest noon. Peepoo, peepio, peopio, peo! Probably bullets, ricocheting off of signs that then spin around and spittoons probably. Yeah, probably getting shot by Edward.

You'll never guess who was the first to fire as their approach. Well, I'm guessing Edward wanted to just, you know, maybe. see who they were, so he just to help. Yeah, he shoots, he knocks down a rider. Which, and that I think it's quite impressive considering it's the middle of the night and he was meant to be a terrible shot who

normally fails to hit birds. But is it easier to shoot Robin or a man? I think a man's bigger. We are bigger. Unless that man's called Robin. And it was a trick question. No, it wasn't a trick question. James, we're not doing the Yorkshire quiz yet.

Oh, okay. So, Pew, pew, pew, pew, didn't Edward tell the story? The story is told by Edward, yeah. Okay. Well, just leave that now, then. Well, yeah, well, I see where you're going with that, James,

and I will raise a similar point of order later. Oh. So, after a matter of seconds, several men are dead and the rest have fled in terror. Oof. So then they pass a very strange night in the dead of winter with the dead bodies lying outside and the dead body still in the pack

in the parlour. About an hour before day, some of them were alarmed at hearing the sound of horses' feet a second time, which, however, was only indistinct and heard at considerable intervals and nothing of them ever appeared.

Not long after this, Edward and his friend, I don't know who that is... The garden. Edward and his friend Copenhagen. Edward and his friend were almost frightened out of their wits at seeing, as they thought, the dead man with inside

the gate, endeavouring to get up and escape. Uh-oh. They had seen him dead, lying surrounded by a deluge of congelled blood, and nothing but the idea of ghosts and hobgoblins entering their brains. They were so indiscreet as never to think of firing, but ran and told the tale of horror to some of their neighbours. The sky by this time was grown so dark that nothing could be seen with precision, and they all remained in anxious, incertitude until the opening day discovered to them by degrees that

the corpses were all removed, and nothing left, but large sheets of fear. frozen blood. Ugh. Yeah. So no bodies of the men who attacked the house were ever found. Oh. So the only body that was ever found was the body in the pack. And it was never identified.

So no one ever came forward and said, who I know that person. Everybody pretended to have no knowledge of who he was. The body of the unfortunate man who was shot in the pack lay open for inspection a fortnight. But none would acknowledge so much as having seen him. Ah. And people made investigations into people who had been injured or gone missing on that day. And a few people had gone missing, but supposedly they were of a very good character and would never have tried to rob a house. And so the mystery has never really been solved.

And I would say there's also no real evidence of the attack at all, apart from some blood. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Which could have come out of those birds. Or the man who had been shot. I just feel like I'm not, it's such an exciting story, but I feel like some blood isn't necessarily evidence that it happened. Hmm.

Yeah, that's a good point. But it's really important also that they were attacked. You know, that they're the good guys. Because otherwise, like shooting a guy who was wrapped up in a pack, you might think that was impetuous and a bad thing to do. Even if his hand was sell a tape to a cutlass. Yeah, I mean, it looks bad for him. But also, you could have tried to give him some kind of,

medical help instead of just running around screaming for about 20 minutes and then coming back and going, no, he is dead, yeah. So the mystery of the long pack is solved. There was a man in there. Was a man. But the mystery of exactly who was in that pack, we'll never know. Quite mysterious.

So before we score, we'd like to do a quick Yorkshire quiz? Yes, believe it or not. Yes, I would. Okay, all right. I don't know if these will all make it into the episode. Maybe if you will end up in the bonus, but all right. So this is from C.T. Oxley's, believe it or not,

what villages on the Yorkshire coast finally disappeared beneath the waves as a result of the incursions of the ocean? Ah, no. You know this one, James. You know at least one of these. I do. Oh, I just remember it being called Yorkshire's Atlantis. That was the name of the Lawman episode about it.

Yeah. Was it called like Seatown or something? Not quite. there is one there are a few like that Withency old kilnsy Hornsey

Um The answer The answers I wanted Were Ravenserod That was the one we did An episode about Ravensor Ravensper

Ravensper Down Well done In the porch of which church Did a man Struggled to the death With a cat We haven't done an episode

About this one So there's no way You'll know We haven't done that but I think we should. I don't know. Oh, Jesus Christ and the Latter-day Saints. No, at Barnborough, near Barnsley.

Supercible Cressacre, 500 years ago. I guess this was published in the 70s because it's three shillings and three pence. So it must be before, oh, the 60s probably, before 1971. Well, I think. I'm baffled by that numbering system. three and three three three slash three three three out of three i think it's how many ds by

sorry by ds i mean p i think it's three s three d yes three d is in three d so they was that fad at the time it's in 20 year cycles doesn't it yeah they keep trying and we just simply don't care how far away anything is unnecessary so percival kressaker 500 years ago was attacked by a huge wild cat when returning home. According to the legend, man and animal struggled for several hours. Whoa. Sir Percival retreating towards the shelter of the church where the contestants, which makes it sound more firm than it is, they collapsed and died of wounds and exhaustion.

And in the church there's a wooden effigy of Sir Percival and there's a stone carving of the cat. Thank you very much. Would you care to pass judgment? I'm more than ready. Let's just get it out of the way. My first category is supernatural. Well, remember when Edward thought it was a hobgoblin he was seeing? There is that bit when he thought it was zombies.

It was quite spooky, wasn't it? Could easily have been zombies. Could have been. Or vampires that when the sun came up, they pf. Yeah, we don't know that. And also, the vampires could have tried to drink the blood, but it was frozen, so they couldn't. And we were waiting for it to melt.

And then, pf, yeah. Yes, the tragedy of the vampire. that just wants to have a melted slushy. Yuck. Yes, apart from that, there was zero? I think there was... No, it's just a true story based on true facts. There was a bit where they thought that the pack was some sort of slug.

And she was weirdly fixated on it. Yes, she was weirdly fixated. And I did think it was going to be a spooky story when you said that they saw one of them get up, well, the dead people get up. Yeah. They have all disappeared. So I will give it a one for that.

A one. A one. Okay. I cannot move on. I cannot move on from one. No, no. That's very reasonable, James. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. My next category is names. Yes, Jimmy. The Hog. We've got a James Hogg. We've got the James Hogg experience. I don't think it's called that.

It's called the James Hog exhibit. But the James Hog Experience is a slightly better name. That is a good name and they should call it. That's the experience of, being an alive and upset painting looking at an old waxwork of yourself. You either die an upset painting or you live to become a grumpy waxwork. Yeah, a grumpy and inaccurate waxwork, yeah. Which seems to be this season's catchphrase.

A lot of waxworks, yeah, this series. Waxworks, monks and misquote in that Batman quote. Hmm. There were loads of names, though. Colonel Ridley. They're not, I mean... Colonel Ridley. It's an okay name.

We've got Alice and Richard and Edward. I admit they're nothing special. Did the hall, did the house have a name? No, I don't believe it did. It must have, but it's not recorded in the text. Can I go as low as a two? Well, the story's called the long pack or sometimes the lang pack. The lang pack.

I've seen it called the Langpack, if that counts for anything. We did have a bit of fun with the name because that could have been some... It sounds very slightly rude. Something rude. You did say Piss Myers. I did say piss Myers, didn't I? Okay, all right, I'll give you a three because that supernatural was so low. The gun was called Copenhagen.

That's a great name for a gun. A gun had a name. The gun had a name. Yeah, it's three bang on. Yeah, three with a bullet. Brilliant. My next category, James, you call him me a cowherd? Not like you calling me chicken.

You calling me a coward, but also he's a cowherd. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, I think in this ed, in this Edward, we've got a sort of, a mind. Martin McFly type, you know? Yeah. A guy keeping to prove his masculinity, his manhood. An unreconstructed Marty McFly. Yeah, the kind of Martin McFly who would have flipped over his pickup truck,

a dead man's bend. Is any of this what happens? Racing needles. Yeah. He chooses not to race needles. Needles, yeah. Is that the character's name in real life or is that his name in the Red Hot Chili Peppers? He's called fleeing real life.

He's called Flea in Real Life and Needles, yeah. In that. That's the bit of story that they sort of jam into two is that Martin McFly, if you call him chicken, he'll do anything. Yep. That's not in the first one at all, is it? Not at all mentioned. But yeah, this Edward is a Marty McFly type. The bit when, yeah, he just runs off, he was probably run enough to see if there was a time machine so he could come back 15 minutes earlier and shoot the guy even quicker.

He's friends with an old man? He is. That's also... Yep. I mean, if skateboard's... He was a cow herd. Yeah. Which, yeah, I think it's got some...

Yeah, I like it. I'm going to give it a... Four. A four. Yeah, because there weren't any cows. Well, the cows would have been outside. Yeah. I guess there were cows, but they're just not in the story.

Are you suggesting that they ate the bodies? We don't know. We don't know. It could have been riding cows when they attacked. They could have been. That would be more fun. Okay. And my final category is the sad realization that if the law boys were pulling this scam,

I would be the pack because I couldn't carry you because you're bigger than me. I'm the little one. Even though I'm quite tall. You are. Compared to you, I'm not tall. So I would have to be bundled. up into the pack. You'd have the cutlass gaffer taped.

I'd have the gaffer taped cutlass. I'd have to sit there with a cutler's in hand, listening to them saying, I think I'm going to shoot it and not do anything. Not even go, don't shit, no, reconsider. And I'd be Beedle, or whatever the peddler was called in this.

Yes, yeah, wearing three or four fake beards. Oh, no. I'm always Beedle. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's the category. The sad realisation that if the law boys were pulling a scam like this, ABK would be the pack.

You would be the pack. And you would have to have the indignity of your body being led out and people going, no, I don't recognize him. Yeah, I never heard of him. Like, come on, come on. Yeah. Is there any sort of religious figure you're going to compare this guy to no? No, no one?

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. That's just, that's, that's, that's how things are. Sad. That's showbiz. Yeah, that's showbiz. Exactly.

It's cool. Oh, dear. Oh, man. I'm, oh, I feel bad. But you do get a cool cutlass, right? Yeah, a gaffer taped to my hand in death. And two hatboxes. Yeah, yeah.

One hat box, I suppose I can tell like around my waist and even with my feet in it. Oh, but if it had worked, or maybe it did work in other. houses that must have been a fun little, da-da, be like under siege, I believe. I've not actually seen under siege. It might be time for me to press you for a score for the sad realization that if the Lord Boys were pulling this scam, I would be the pack. Five out of five. Yes. Definitely. Worth it. Worth getting in the pack for that. I'm going to give you, and you know how I'm going to give you five points? I'm going to shoot those five points at you. It's just a practical way of doing it. It's just the, just the,

most sensible way of checking if something is alive is to shoot it. I suppose it's a better way to check if something's dead. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. The text is at pains to say that he never had a notion that it would be a human being inside the pack, that he had no intention of killing someone. But I would say, then just don't shoot anyone. Bear in mind that you then went on to shoot several more people that night. Yeah, who conveniently disappeared.

Yeah. It was weirdly eloquent, though. Was he... Incredibly eloquent. Yeah, I think that's perhaps... I think that's perhaps James Hogg putting words into his mouth. I don't know if anyone was taking notes on what he actually said. Because it would...

It was just... It would have been drowned out by the sound of gunfire. Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns. Sorry, what was the question? That was a long pack. And wide also, quite wide. And it turned out the long pack was the enemies we made along the way. It was a friend that we shot.

Yeah, I suppose that strangers are just friends that you've not shot with your gun, Copenhagen. Yes. There will be a little bit of bonus there, which you can access if you join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. And through that, you would also get access to the lawfolk Discord. And thank you very much to everyone who already does that. And once you're in the lawfolk discord, you can give me more pampfs. Get pamphing. Pamp that man.

Pamp him? Oh, come see us in Oxford. First of July. 2026. Come and see us and bring your panths. Bring a pampth. Bring a pampth. Share a pamp.

Bring a pamp. Leave a pamp. A pop a link. It's kind of like showing his cap. You can only tell whether it's, you can either tell if there's a person in there or if there's a lot, or if they're alive. Bang.