Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep2 - The Mysterious Portal of Langley

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

James leads Alasdair back into the depths of Wychwood Forest. Therein, the denizens of a peculiar farmstead make a terrible mistake while digging up a tree stump... As usual, the Loreboys offer fresh nuggets of insight and wisdom. And we might just have come up with a new form of forensic science to aid the police in the fight against crime. (It's fingerprints, but instead of fingers it's bums. It's bumprints.) ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I'm James Shakeshaft. I, on the other hand, I'm Alistair Beckett King. Yes, you are. Alistair, we're going to Witchwood Forest. We're returning to Witchwood Forest. We never left. You can never leave Witchwood Forest. You can take the ghosts out of whichwood.

No, that doesn't make any sense. You can't take the forests out of the ghosts. That doesn't make any sense. Well, it does, because you can't take forests out of a ghost. It's true that you can't do that. It also doesn't mean anything. So this is going to be the mysterious portal of Langley.

Oh, great title. Hi, Alistair. Hi, James. It's a new series still. It's still got that new series smell, hasn't it? Oh, yes. Oh, I didn't even realise we'd start in a new series. Oh, big time.

Every year? Every year? This time? Around Pile Monday. Is that true? Have we been consistent? Well, if you discount that sort of 150 episodes, episode series that we did during the majority of the lockdown era.

Yeah, sure, every year. Oh, okay. Wow. How consistent. Hmm. But yeah, I've got, I do, I am dipping back into some old books, but boy, are they classics. Which books are we talking?

The OG for me, Folklore and Mysteries of the Cotswolds by Mark Turner. Beer, Beow, Beow, Uh-uh. Which cites the folklore of the Cotswolds by Catherine M. Briggs. And a new favourite. Oxfordshire Ghost by Joe Robinson. Fine collection of tomes you've got there, James. Yeah. We're talking Witchwood Forest, old school style.

Wow, we're going back to Witchwood Forest old school style. Yeah, before... I don't know if I know enough about 80s hip-hop to be able to make any jokes about this. No, me neither. No, carry on. I'm going to have a quick think. No, I'm just thinking of Mixmaster field ass arts. which is one of the funnier-named areas that used to be in Wichwood Forest.

Not sure what field ass-arts are. No. Ass-arts. Yeah. A-S-S-A-R-T-S. Oh, it's spelled the way you would imagine. Uh-huh. But you could do them in the field, evidently.

Is it like sort of brass rubbing, but with the emphasis on ass? Putting the ass in brass rubbing. Yeah. That's what I'm wondering, yeah. Or is it like potato prints? We don't need to bleep any of this. We're talking about don't need to bleep any of this. Yes, perhaps potato prints.

More mashed in my case these days. You know, they like fingerprints. Everyone's bum print is unique. No, but no, bums. It's just that most criminals don't sit down the crime scene. With a bare bum. I am making this up, I don't think. But I bet it's true.

I bet it's just nobody's bothered. Nobody ever does that. nobody ever finds a bum print on the scene. Have you dusted for bum prints? Nobody says that. No, they don't say that. I think that would undermine detective drama if they were like, oh, we've got the bum prints back for them in the lab.

He's not in the system, Gov. Well, we've run his bum prints. It would work if someone had, you know, photocopied their bum. Yes. And you could dust the photocopier for bum prints and compare that. We all just look at the printout from the photocopier, which would be a pretty good faxsmill of their bum print. Did you mean facsimile there? Yes.

Do you want to say that? Do you want to say that? No. I look, I don't want to correct you. I want to give you the opportunity to say it. I'm sorry. I'm going to go with it. You're lucky I didn't say fax smile.

Is there an eye in the middle? Oops. Yeah, yeah, there is. I've done the classic shakeshaft of reading the beginning of the word, vaguely looking at the end of the word, and thinking, I can work out in the middle. Just riff the middle. Yeah.

It's how we do these episodes. Facsimile. That's how you spell that word I've heard, but I've always thought I'd never seen written down. I'm sorry. It's different every time, pun. Very good, very good. Anyway, while we work on the a bum-based photo fit system,

where you can slide different bits of, black and white bums together to be like, that's the man, officer.

Yeah, it's good they did do an artist's impression as well. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, probably be the worst thing to try and identify people with us. Traditionally,

it's the most covered up part of the body. That's true. Minimum two, minimum two bits of cloth two main features. In the outside world

and, oh, no distinguishing marks, thanks. Well, you know, They could tattoos, moles, birthmarks. You've got all sorts of possibilities.

That's true. I don't want to think how you would like try to disguise your bum. Draw a moustache on it. You can't do the classic Groucho Marx glasses. You've got to really think outside the box. You can. It will throw people, certainly. Put people off the scent.

Oh. Oh, ouch. But my main story, Alistair, it is chilling. This bit of bum-related tomfoolery, bum-foolery, if you will. We need to put that to the back of our mind because I've got a very, very, very, chilling story. From the tiny village of Langley, which is near Lee Field, Langley was once a hunting lodge built by Prince John.

Ooh, we've got a Langley moor up in the north east, up in Durham. Yeah, I guess a lee is a field and lang means long. So I guess there's probably, I'm just guessing, but I guess there's a lot of them. I think so. But, yeah, by the way, Lee Field, I looked it up in this sense. Field is a small clearing within the woods. And Lee is a small town that isn't within the clearing in the woods. So I'm very confused as to what Lee Field is or isn't.

But yes, this is near it. Langley Palace, which, as I say, built by Prince John. Oh, we don't have a palace in Durham. Built by the evil Prince John. Was he the evil Prince John? Oh, the one who was a lion? Yes. In Robin Hood.

Yes. So he used to go on hunting trips to whichwood forest, latter kings and whatnot, kings and queens, Henry VIII, Mary, Mary Q of S, the original Queen Elizabeth also visited. So obviously it was pretty big in Tudor times. Yeah. But it has since fallen into not being there.

There's one below disrepair. Yes. It's now there's a farm there. Right. Although I say now, this is from, the Oxfordshire Ghost by Joe Robinson, which it was published in 2000, so it may not even be that. That's very recent by our standards. It is.

By the way, I've seen a letter in the back of the book. I hadn't noticed it before. There's a dear reader at the back of the book. Oh. Oh, and I've acknowledged the acknowledge the acknowledgements. One of the acknowledgments is for someone whose address is Unwins the High Street Whitney, which is a now out of business off license. Oh, it's fallen into not being there.

Yeah, I think that too has fallen into not being there anyway. But the letter at the back, dear reader, I'm just going to give you a summary, a JS summary, which is as inaccurate and full of hallucinations. We can be confident that the start and the end are going to be roughly correct. It says, now that you have read this book, you may feel moved to think that you would like to write or perhaps have already written a local history book yourself. Something about that tone made me feel like the next layer was going to be, well, you can stick it up. Well, think again, it ain't that easy, kid. I think you'll find it's not really easy.

But it is, no, it isn't. It is if this is the case, basically write to this guy, Mike Parsons, the imprint manager of Warncliffe Books, and he's going to give you some information on how to do it, basically how to get published by them. That's very nice. So I might write off to Mike Parsons, as long as he hasn't fallen into not being there.

You know. You could be a local historian. I could have my own pamp. Imagine that. The shagg's pampf. Imagine how inaccurate that will be. The start and the end are good, I've heard, of your pamp. But yes, so this tale, it's a sad tale,

and it was recounted to the author, Joe, by Betty Hogbert. who is a lady steeped in local folklore and now lives in Whitney. Betty Hogben. Betty Hogben. It's Betty Spelt. B-E-T-T-E, which I presume is a way of spelling Betty not like... Oh, no, it's like Bet, it's like Bet Midler.

I never know. Well, I always say Bet Davis, but then the song says Betty Davis. Oh, what about Bet Middler? So I just don't know. Yeah, I think it's Bett, but you can't sing Bet-Davis eyes to the song. It doesn't fit. No, they don't sound as nice either. She got Bet Davis eyes.

It's like, oh, are they squinting because of cigarette smoke? Bet Davis's eyes also were quite sinister. Famously, she had really sinister staring eyes. It sounds like a compliment in the song. Well, we've got Betty Hogburn's stories, which are also sinister. What about that for a link? I put that in the book. The book of links.

I'm going to write to Mike. It's all segues all the time. Yeah, that's ultimately problematic in the story, isn't it? Chapter 1, without further ado. So she used to live in a cottage which belonged to the farm, which is where Langley Palace has fallen into, don't look for it, it's not there anymore. Yeah. And her father and grandfather were digging in the field.

They were literally uprooting a tree stump. Nice. I don't know if you ever done. You know I haven't done that, James. Have you never uprooted a tree stump? No, nor have I ever driven a stranger out of town with a pitchfork. I don't live. I'm not from where you're from.

My life is different. I'm uprooted a tree. Of course you have. So yeah, the father and grandfather are uprooting this tree stump. Wood. They unearth a big flat stone, stone, beneath which they find an iron grid. Iron. Oh, like some kind of ubleette. Yes. Or someone's tried to bury a sort of a big, like a festival size, Connect 4. Yeah. It's an iron grid. The father, the grandfather, and now the brothers got involved, managed to move the stone and the grid clear. What lies beneath? Some more stone. There's a bunch of rubble. They pull the rubble out the way and they discover an iron door. More iron. They cleared the area. They got all the rubble out the way. And then they got some crowbars, levered the door open, by which time it was too dark to carry out further investigations.

So they just left it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There was also an awful smell coming out of it. Great. I'll just relax and pop to bed then. Yeah.

They said they're going to wait until probably wait a couple of days before we look at this properly and go to bed. I'll just give whatever's in there a chance to seep out. Yeah. But Bet, Bet, slash Betty, could not. container impatience. And the very next day, she goes and has a proper look at the door. It's daylight now. They have a decent look. The door's black. It's studded and has what appears to be two spy holes. Where do you think those are, Alistair? I'm going to hope I hide and not like Willie height. They're three feet from the bottom of the door. Oh. So yeah, Willie height.

Yeah. They're glory spy holes. Spireous spy holes. Two of them as well. They might have had a very small jailer or a child jailer perhaps. Yes, maybe. So there's all sorts of reasonable reasons why there might have been a hole three foot from the ground. Or two holes. Two holes.

Yeah. No further mention to those spy holes. Maybe it was just someone just wanted to, oh no, this means I can't cut it for the bonus bit. Maybe it was so that they could proper investigate people's bump print. before they got in. I can't believe you were thinking about cutting the bump print stuff. Maybe, you know, like a modern police cell would have a little hatch through which a tray could be put

or a prison cell might have a hatch that a tray could be slid through. Yes. Maybe it's that, but you could just fit the spout of a teapot. Yes. So you could just pour a little cup of tea and then you could wee it back out through the other hole. Tea pots in one, burritos through the other. A burrito or a burrito.

Yeah, that's better. I was thinking of an in-out situation. Oh, I was thinking of a, yeah, a liquid and solids situation. Mm. Mm. Anyway, so, yeah, the stench, the aforementioned stench had now dissipated. And Betty... The aforemensch stench.

Yes, the fomench stench. She, fortunately, does not go. down the corridor on her own. She rushed off to tell her mum all about the door and the peculiarly highted spy holes. And the mum, she didn't want to hear about these spy holes. All she wanted to get across was that Betty, Bet, should not be investigating mysterious corridors found in the ground on her own, which I think is a rare example in folklore of good parenting. Yeah, because as a child, you would hate that advice. But as adults, Now we do have to side with the mum and say, yeah, no, don't go through that door.

Kids, if you find a stinking tunnel under the ground behind an iron door that's behind some rubble, that's behind an iron grid that's underneath a heavy stone, that's underneath a tree, just get an adult. Just leave it be. Get an adult. Ask an adult before you go in. I do want to make that public information video, though. Yeah.

It does sound like the kind of thing that was happening to kids in the 70s a lot. Yeah. You know, those sort of haunted generation films. Yes. And there is, there's one of the ghost stories for Christmas, the one, the least popular one from the 70s. Yeah. Where a big rock is moved and a sort of witch's spirit escapes.

Oh. Have you seen that one? No. It's very 70. There's toplessness in it, James. Oh. You see, you see a lady's upstairs. Well, there's no toplessness in this story.

Okay. Good, good. And if you were to limit your range of vision to those spy holes, you wouldn't know anyway, if there was or wasn't. Yeah, you'd miss out on the whole operation. But the mum didn't miss out. Oh, that's another fantastic segue. Because she was out in the garden of the cottage hanging out of the washing. And as she goes to go back in, she sees emerging from the underground passage.

What? A hooded figure. No. And the figure walks directly towards her. I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting it to flit into the trees or paid out. Unhurriedly, slightly drifting off to the right, but definitely coming towards her.

The figure's that of a woman wearing a long black hooded cloak with a thick green cord tied around her waist. Quite traitors. and she is a middle-aged woman with clear blue eyes, a wide mouth, and right, okay, I'm going to have a go at saying this. Aquiline knows, Aquiline knows. I think Aquiline is right. Right.

Do you know what it means? Yes. Good. Great. Aquila is the Latin word for eagle. Oh, oh. Of course, I've no idea how it's pronounced in Latin. Aquila in Spanish, I think.

Ah. Yeah, so Aquiline is a, you know, so a big, pointy... I don't know if it means hooked necessarily, but, you know, like, I guess a Roman nose, like a strong, eagle-like nose. Like the judge from Sesame Street. Does the Statue of Liberty have an Equaline nose? I don't know, actually.

Fair enough. I can't picture the Statue of Liberty's nose. It's just sort of a nose, isn't it? Standard nose. Fuck, I. I mean, it's pretty, big, but that's because the whole statue is quite big. It is definitely big, but it's to scale.

Yeah. Okay, well, whatever that... If you need to Google it, Google it, and that's what the nose looks like. And you can see strands of brown hair streaked with grey peeping out from under the hood. And the thing that Betty's mother, Bet's mother, took with her... Betty Smothers. Betty Smothers. The character from Coronation Street in the 60s, Betty Smothers.

It was the unmistakable look of anguously. and fear on the lady's face. I'd be pretty anguished if I'd been in a stinky hole for centuries, presumably. Betty's mother, according to Joe, would return to that again and again to that look. So she meant she kept a mention. It's not like a, oh, she looked bad. She did keep going on about it. Parents can be like that, though.

My dad's always recommending good footwear to me that he's recommended before. Ah. So I don't know whether that means he's haunted by. high quality footwear. Maybe. The look is not causing fear in Betty's mother, but she just felt a terrible anxiety for the woman and a wave of hopelessness for her plight, whatever it may be.

Wow. And this ghost, specter, I mean, we're thinking it's a ghost here. The spectral being appeared to Betty's father, grandfather, and Betty herself. And all of them, apart from Betty slash Bet, experience this feeling of despair. But Betty got a message from this thing. Doesn't say how.

Doesn't say that it spoke to her or that she just got her sort of in her head vibe. But the message was, put everything as it was, and let me rest. Oh, have they still not investigated what's behind the door then? No. And they have a family meeting around the kitchen table and they decide they're not going to investigate.

They're going to close, seal the door. They do that. They shovel the, and rubble back into the hole. Very, very British approach to the problem here. Yes. Should we just bury that? Should we just not deal with this problem that was affecting the household?

Yeah. They did. They put the flat stone back on. British grandfather says a short prayer. And Lady was never seen again. Wow. There was a corpse down there, James. There must have been.

I would guess so, yeah. And no one knows. I don't think they told the next people, apart from Joe, I don't think they told the next people that came to live in the cottage that there is this. Oh yeah, there's a white passage under there. If you do dig in the garden find a large flat stone.

If you do happen to move that big large flat stone and find an iron grid, don't move the rubble away and open the stinky door. Yeah, don't leave her up in that stinky door. So that is the main ghost tale. Do you want a couple little bonus bits of fun? Oh well, that was quite a filling main meal,

but certainly I've probably got space with some crackers. Do you want to have a fun little tale about a lost coffin? You know I do. So, Betty's grandfather, in fact, was a Carter, and he was charged with the responsibility of carrying a coffin from Charleston, a full coffin, from Charbury to Lee Field for burial. Midwinter, heavy snowfalls. They're halfway through the woods with the burial party, and they spot.

Well, she's not the fun kind of party, is it? No. No, it's quite somber. Yes. I'd say there's more non-fun fun party. parties than there are fun parties. Yeah, you're probably right. Funeral, political, foam.

Yes, yeah. They're going straight through the forest and they spot a deer. And it's midwinter, there's a lot of poaching going on. These guys are keen poachers. So they pop the coffin down, chase the deer. No, no, okay. Which a lot of snow happens. They catch that deer.

They go back to where they think the coffin is. They can't find the coffin. Lads, lads, lads, lads. Silly, silly, silly. Four days later, the snow has thawed sufficiently that they managed to find the coffin and do the do. So that's a little fun story about a lost coffin.

Yeah, that's horrible. It's like a sort of, it's like something that would happen on the stag do, but it's the opposite of a stag do because it's a funeral. But there is also a deer involved. But it did involve a stag. Yeah.

On the outskirts of Lee Field is a house called Fairspeer. Now I'm getting this from Folklore and Mysteries of the Cotswolds, by Mark Turner, who is citing Catherine M. Briggs folklore of the Cotswolds, and these are tales that were told by Mrs. Faulkner, who I think we've had a couple of stories from before around our Chippin Norton and Chalbury episodes,

and there is a lane known as Black Dog Lane, which is haunted by, you guessed it, a Black Dog? Yeah? Yes. And this is where Fairspear House is. Mrs. Faulkner's story does not concern the Black Dog, but one night she and the cook looked out of the bedroom window, of Fair Spear to see a man wheeling a barrow from house

to the little well house in the garden. And they reported the incident and everything was searched. Nothing was missing because they thought it might be a thief or something. And apparently even in quite recent times, to the mid-80s, the house was said to be haunted by a gardening ghost who turns on the taps. A ghost gardener?

Yeah. You don't usually see a ghost with a wheelbarrow. You don't tend to, no. Yeah, sure. A black coach pulled by spectral pigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ten a penny. Ten a penny in the Cotswolds. There are haunted barrows, but rarely of the wheel variety.

Oh, yeah, around Lee Field way as well, there are a bunch of barrows. Are there? So Mrs. Faulkner lived near Lee Field, and in the folklore of the Cotswolds by Catherine Briggs, she's got a little brag. She used to live next door to a witch. Oh. And one night, there was a commotion amongst the cattle, and her father goes out to see what's going on with their cattle.

And as he's going out, he sees the neighbor, the old woman, rising up from the ground in her nightgown with her white hair streaming. And in a kind of singing voice said to him, never mind, John, you do your work, and I'll do mine. Brilliant. Wow. Brilliant. Live and let live. Mm. So there we have it.

There's a couple of, that's a little sort of... That's brilliant. I like the sound of that, which you can really see the 1980s special effects. You know, that blue lightning that all the films have from the 80s. Yes. And her hair streams out. Yes.

Yeah. You do your work and I'll do mine. Are you ready to score, though? I am. I am. Yes. What's your first category? First category.

is naming. Some fine names. We're only in episode two of the series. I like things like Black Dog Lane. Yeah. That's a good fine name. What was that name, the lady's name, Betty Butter, Botta, Bought a bit of Better Butter.

Betty Hog Ben. Betty Hog Ben. Or Bet Hog Ben. Bet Hog Ben. If you've been a better hog, you haven't Betty Hog Ben. Yeah, great names. Excellent.

Cool on there. What else have we got? Is there anything else? Is it just that? Faulkner Your fair spear Oh yes Fair spear

That's good That's about it That is about it I'm afraid They're a very good names So it's a strong three For names I think Yes

A high three Nice So my second category Ahem is supernatural Well I think that was a pretty fine ghost you got there Yes Yeah Ghost of a woman

Oh you said that in a way Like a gangster says Pretty nice shop window you got there. Yes, I'm running a protection racket for ghosts. Be a shame if someone were to exercise this place. Are you in the organised crime, the underreported organised crime field of unwanted exorcisms? Yeah, that actually sounds like a great premise for a show.

Like they haunt people and then they come round and be like, I think that's a film. Is there a film about that? Isn't that the frighteners? That brilliant Michael J. Fox film. Not the best, but it's up there in the Michael J. Fox canon. Oh, so that's the, if you don't pay the fee, they come and haunt you. Yeah, I think that's the deal.

He has a near-death experience. Spoilers. It's a great film, actually. Go watch it. He has a near-death experience, can see ghosts, befriends a couple to haunt up places, and then he comes around and, yeah, exercises. I'm going to have to watch this film. It's a great film.

I haven't watched it for 20 years if it has problematic. I bet it has not dated at all. I bet there isn't a single line you would change. I don't know if anyone in it is now a horror and was unknowingly a horror at the time. Oh dear. What was this category, supernatural? Speaking of horrors.

Yes. Yeah, very, very frightening. And not just that the woman was frightening, but also that she exuded such an air of sadness that everybody felt, apart from Betty for some reason. Yes, who just got the message. Yeah. Their feeling of hopelessness for the plight, anxiety for the woman.

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you are dead and in a stinky hole, you don't have that many prospects. It is not going to get better than that. It's too late, really, to do anything about that. Put all my rubble back, please. Yeah, can I have my tree? Don't leave the door open. Were you born in a barn? Just leave two little air holes for the stink to get out.

I wouldn't be able to see who's coming by. be bothered to stand up. Well, I guess she would be lying down because she's dead. Yes. It's very hard to stand up if you're dead. Yeah. That might explain the eye holes being down there. This is maybe a particularly Passag version of like, can you shut the door behind you? Yeah. Because they did just leave her door open for a couple of days. You're letting all my stents out. Yeah. It's very supernatural. Yes. It's a five out of... Yes. Then my third category is, don't you open that trapdoor. There's something down there.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Oh, I have a headache. Yes. Yeah. I get this. Was that...

Who is it narrated by? Trapp door, the claimation series? I can't remember. Was it... Let's look it up. Willie Rushton. Is that someone's name? It's bound to be someone's name.

Good point. It was native by William Rushden, according to Wikipedia. You're absolutely right. He played first. Yes. Buck. Yeah, I love Traptor. Yeah, I'm a big, big fan of Traptor.

So how would we describe this for people who didn't grow up with such quality animation? It's a horrible plasticine guy. Yeah, it's a plasticine guy. Do you call it Claymation? I think it's just a fun term that people like, like Japanimation. I don't think it really describes anything particular. I would say stop motion. If only Japan had their own word.

Yeah, exactly. Japanimation is unnecessary. And just like Claymation, it's like, well, the material they're made from isn't important. It's how the animation is done. So I would call it stop motion animation Or stop frame, some people say But yes But also it's that proper

British kind Where there's like one frame Every two or three minutes It's very slow It's very dialogue driven But also the aesthetic is really grimy And wiggly worms And monsters and skulls

And that sort of thing There's always something going on In the background on that It was kind of It was ghoulish wasn't it And it was like In a castle this are heroes a bit dopey

and they have to look after a trapdoor which is constantly trying to open itself and let out some monster of the week because there's something down there and he serves the thing upstairs so you don't ever get to see it I suppose it's a bit like yeah a bit of a sort of blackadder character

someone who's trapped in the middle but without black outers wit it's more of a naive and more talking skull with a talking skull yeah oh yeah I realise we have just fallen to being middle-aged men remembering things once again. Just describing things that we remember.

If Michael J. Fox had been in it, off. Generally, we know a lot more about the details. Yeah. But yeah, it's basically that, isn't it? Don't you open that trapdoor? There's something down there. The theme song gave the premise of the show,

which was, please do not open the trap door. Every episode is opening the trapdoor. Absolutely he is. If he didn't open the trap door, you'd be annoyed. Yes. I just like this story. If they hadn't leave it open that door and then immediately left it for several days,

that would be frustrating. Tried to leave it for one or two days. But fortunately, the daughter's Betty's tenacity was such that a ghost came out. Well, I suppose I can't give it a full five out of five because it's not a trap door. It's an iron door. So I think it's four out of five.

Don't you open that iron door? There's something adjacent to it. There's something smelly there. Yeah. Don't you look through that three foot high spy hole. Definitely don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. Okay, my final category is, and this again is a come get me for no context lawman.

I'm upgrading the catch race for the new series, if I remember. Whoa, can he do that? Yeah, don't look for it. It's fallen into not being there anymore. So pithy. I can really see that entering into common parlance, James. I don't know whether I'm. I want to reward this category with a high score, but it certainly applies to this episode.

Is it possible for me to give you a five and then for that five to vanish? I'm aware that some of the listeners on the Discord are trying to reconstruct the score spreadsheet. Yeah. Which is difficult because we gave one score a question mark in the past. And sometimes just a noise. I don't know if they've got there yet, but I'm pretty sure one episode, one of the scores, is infinite. I don't want to mess things up too much. How about this?

Your score can be a five, but you mustn't look for it. Just leave it where it is, James, and don't disturb it. Yeah, those law folk do need to work out how to represent numbers that if you look at them, they turn to dust. It's going to be a lot of gifts. Good luck. I think I'm going to write to Mike. Are you going to publish the shakespanth? And let's see if I can make a shake pamph.

A good idea. Brace yourself, Mike Parsons, from 25 years ago. Brate yourself, a guy who's definitely still in the publishing business. You're about to receive a letter. So the portal was a door. You kind of tricked us. We were thinking like a swirling portal, like a vortex. No.

That was that episode. I'm sure some little bits must have made it into a bonus episode. Surely there's a bonus. And you can find that at patreon.com. forward slash lawmen pod and thank you very much to all the people who already support us via that method. That's how you get access to the Discord is by

supporting us there. Thank you very much to you Alistair. Thank you James. So listening to that story and providing feedback live. That's very much the premise of the podcast. Yeah, is isn't it? That is what we do. Hey, if people wanted to see you Alistair in person, how would they do it?

And give feedback live. They could come and see me on tour. I'm doing a show called King of Crumbs. So yeah, please come and see the show. It'll be starting at the end of February and there's, there are tickets available to buy. I've also moved a tree. What? I've moved two trees. You've moved to trees? Yeah. Yeah. With the mission? Or as a prank? Yeah. Or as a Twit style prank to make someone think their garden is getting smaller? It was a Twits-esque prank. Yes. Yes, it was a Twits-esque prank. It was a Twits-esque prank that led to the murder of Macbeth.

It is Macbeth, isn't it? Yeah, sorry, I was drinking tea then. I wasn't expecting you to do a brilliant literary reference. So my laugh might have come out weird. It did sound te-y. I'll do another completely tea-free laugh for the recording. Ha-ha-ha. You can use that.

That's appropriate for a Shakespeare-based joke. I thought it was good. I was surprised. I mean, I don't mean surprised that it was good. But it took me... Okay, carry on. Can I have that for the book cover? I thought it was good.

I was surprised. And italics unsurprised. Those are... Those are... ...good quotes. Good pull quotes. But join them together. Don't sound that great.

And certainly don't flip the order. That's damning.