Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep22 - British Zombies

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

The dead do not rest easy - not if they've been on the Buckfast, at least. Treat yourself to a buffet of British walking deads / shufflers / deadites / whatever you want to call 'em. From a finger-nibbling zombie in Buckfastleigh to a double-deadbeat husband in Buckinghamshire, this episode is a vintage Jimmy Shakes grab-bag. It seems that what you do in life DOES continue in the afterlife. Especially if what you did was be chased by hounds or bother local maidens / livestock. So crack open a Buckie (not obligatory) and enjoy! Come see us in Oxford! ⁠⁠⁠July 1st 2026 (2026)⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore with me, James Shakeshaft. And me, Alistair, ooh, lock up your raw meats or something, some spooky tales of zombies. Sorry, lock up your raw meats.

Yeah. Okay. I can't imagine you've got many. I'm a vegan. You have to go out and buy raw meat. In order to lock it up. And then lock it up. And then lock it up.

Okay, we'll do. Oh, hi there, Alistair. Oh, hi, James. Now, I've got a few little tales for you. Okay. Elminating in a bigger tale. Good, but those pleasantries out the way, let's get on with those little tails.

It's sort of like a reverse catarine tails. Okay. But there's not nine. Oh my God, there's not nine. There's not... Wait, can I just check? What do you think a cat of nine tails is? I don't know why I said a cat of nine tails.

A cat o' nine tails. Is it ten of the clock? What? No. I thought you were all fancy. Sorry, I understand, I understand. Is it a fillet of fish? Anyway, those are the only times you use the O, isn't it?

Mugugug O'g. Mug O'Grog. Chief O'Brien. Yeah. Well, Alistair. No, I imagine a cat of nine tail. Oh, I'm saying it. It's going to catch on.

Everyone's going to start saying cat of nine tails. Well, on pirate, not pirate ships, but ships in the Navy, a cato nine tails is a format of whip. Yeah, that's what I think. Good. Yeah. So what's the opposite of that then? Because you hold the big bit, the bigger tail.

Yes. And then you've got the nine little tails. Pugh, phew. Small lashes, yes. Wap in at some poor soul. Whereas the reverse of that would be, you'd hold four little things. So you've got lots of. of Little Tales which are feeding into one overall episode.

Sort of. Sounds to me like a classic shakeshaft grab bag. It is. Grab-O bag. It's a grab of bag, if you will. And Alistair, it's a themed grab bag. This grab bag's theme is zombie. Oh.

Yeah. Don't get them very often. No, they are rare. Zombies, Revenants, the Walking Dead. Yes, and other films and TV series is. I genuinely didn't know how I was naming films and TV series. I was just trying to think of synonyms for zombies. There's the Revenant where Leonardo DiCaprio was...

Is he a zombie in that film? No, he's just mauled by a bear. Is the bear a zombie? But he's on a revenge mission. So he's... That's why he's a revenant in that. Because I think Revenant means someone who is unstoppably on a revenge mission, right? I think it means someone who comes back.

Oh, well, that's what he does. Yeah, all right. And then comes back. We don't use the word revenger anymore. It was an old word, like the revenger's tragedy. So we could have called him a revenger. It sounds a bit like Avenger, and I imagine Disney would not have taken that lightly. We could do a movie called The Revengers.

Yes. Revengeous. Reassemble. Yeah, that's fine. They can't touch us. They can't, and they won't. So what, I could be a revenant when I'm coming back from the shops? Well, I don't. I think it's a little grand for that. I do think it's usually back from the dead. I think that's what Revenant means. Well, yeah, that's the vibe of the film, I guess.

Spoiler. Not really. Not really a spoiler. He comes back. So, we're talking about zombies. Yes. We stop doing film titles. We're talking about, let's say, a dead man walking.

Yeah, that must be fine. We're talking about World War Z, or Z, if you prefer. We're talking about a series of knights of the living deads. Yes, okay. The undead. You said it undead, like it's like the feminine. article. Unded.

Unded. It's, well, I've been written an interesting book recently called Dance Macabre, which is by Stephen King, you know, off... The Stephen King. The Stephen the King. It was written back when he sort of first started out. It's from 1981, in fact. So when he first started out being a published author,

And it's, because he was a lecturer beforehand and around the time when he started out. So it's... I thought he was a school teacher rather than a teacher. Yeah, school teacher and then lecturer in horror stuff. So it's kind of a collection of those essays. But it's all put together... Oh, interesting. As with all Stephen King stuff, it's incredibly readable.

Yes, I've read his book about writing. Oh, yeah. Which I think is called On Writing. It is, yes. Or O writing, possibly. And equally go like, yeah, of course this guy's a best-selling writer. What a page turner this is. I don't know that he's the greatest writer in the world,

but he's clearly very good at doing it. Yes. You take all that cocaine and write a book. Yeah. Let's see you do it. Yeah, I think he talks about that on writing, doesn't he, quite a bit. Yes, yes, he does. But he's actually quite critical of himself for being a drug addict.

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Now, the reason I mentioned Dan's McCabe, Stephen King book, is because in that he, the bit that I've got up to, is he talks about the kind of the original sort of triptych of horror creations, which are Dracula, Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Oh, because we were on universal monsters for a while, but then we veered into Robert Louis Stevenson.

And it's in essence the thing, which is the Frankenstein, the vampire, the Dracula, and the werewolf is kind of, the represented in Jacqueline Hyde. So it is. I suppose. But yeah, so he talks about, so, but he in this kind of lumps in zombies with vampire. Oh, interesting. A scruffy vampire.

Yeah. Mm. You know, a vampire is a zombie that's dressed up. I'm skeptical of that, but who am I to argue with Stephen King? This was back in 81 when that less zombie media. Nowadays, there's a lot more zombie law. There's a lot more zombies, and there's sort of been a sexy vampire renaissance since then. In essence, they consume humans in order to live or unlive.

You've got the thing, the Frankenstein is just an unstoppable shambling beast. And then the werewolf being sort of mankind's dark side, a normal person that has a dark side. Yes. But we're talking zombies slash sounds a bit vampiry as well. The first of my Astoria O-4 Tales comes from 1197. Wow, that's early. From William of Newburgh, who was a canon, which is a type of monk.

Oh, yeah, yep. In the Augustinian, Augustinian mong, mong, mong, priory at Newbury in Yorkshire. And in 1197, he recorded four contemporary accounts of, as it describes here, physically active corpses. Oh, dear. Here is Laura the land, friend of the show, Westwood and Simpson. It's one of their double page spreads. And so what had happened?

And these are like, he was obviously going, anyone got any zombie stuff? And they were like, well, last year, 1196, a dead man in Buckinghamshire entered the bed where his wife was sleeping, almost crushing her. Wow. Yeah. When you said physically active, I didn't realize quite how optimistic these corpses were going to be. Wife crushing. And it happened again the next night and then the next night as well. But she'd asked some friends to keep watch on by the third time.

She thought, this is getting silly. I've had enough of this. Once is a mistake. Twice I can allow. But three times, no chance. So they drove him away. And then he harassed his brothers and they drove him away. and then he caused panic amongst the farm animals.

I can imagine. And some people even saw him wandering abroad in the daytime. Now, Alistair, that sounds to me, like, that's someone who isn't dead. That's a living man, yeah. That's just a man. That's just a man who's annoyed he got buried. I can understand why he's not thrilled. So what they did, they went to the archdeacon.

He kicked it upstairs to the old bishop of language. and they said, the bishop's advisor said there would be no peace until the body was dug up and burnt. And they said, now that's a bit much. So what we'll do is we'll write a letter of absolution. And they opened the tomb and they examined the body. And there was no unnatural changes. So they popped the pardon on its breast and after which he never walked again. Oh, so an administrative solution to the problem.

Yeah. So simple. That was quite simple. So what were they pardoning him for? The wife crushing, maybe. Was that for the, okay, for being a zombie? It doesn't really say, yeah. Okay.

Just get him. Absolution, you don't need to worry about knocking around, scaring fire animals. Stop harassing a goose. Here's a pardon. Leave those sheep alone. And then in barrack, I'm presuming the upon tweed type. It's got to be your upon tweed. What, is there even another barrack?

there must be. Yeah, probably. So by the contrivance of Satan, says old Billy of Newburgh. Satan. Fiend of the podcast, yeah. A certain rich but evil man. No, no.

Come on, James. I know some of these stories are a little landish, but rich and evil? I know. Hey, Alistair, not all evil men are rich. No, that's true. That is true. Thank you.

Thank you for saying that. But this one would come out of their grave and wander about till daybreak, pursued by a pack of barking dogs. Which is exactly what the people in the comments on Elon Musk's X are like. Well, what they do, people were worried that. People were worried that this particular rich but evil man would physically assault them and that it would infect the air with disease. Yeah, I mean, that is a reasonable fear, I think.

Absolutely. So what they did, they hired the men to dig up the carcass, cut it limb from limb, and burn it. No pardon for you. No, no, no, no. Perhaps it was just the fire grate was too small. That's why they had to cut it up. We don't know. It doesn't explain.

I think, yeah, because you think just burning it would have been enough. But the third, so that dealt with that. Do you think that Elon Musk, we could just like give him a note that just says, like, loll? Yes. Like if he eventually, at some point in his life, made someone laugh, that would be enough for him to just... It's never... Alistair, as a comedian, you know it's never enough.

One laugh is never enough. One is never enough. You have to chase those laughs. Yeah. But also become... It was a pipe dream. At the time of recording, the richest man ever. Yeah.

The trillionaire? Yeah, that's right, listener. This was recorded before the event. Another tale is all... Also from the early 1190s, there's some real recency bias in these zombie tales. This comes from Melrose. Melrose Place? No, different one.

Right. Which I believe is in Scotland. This involves a certain dead friar, a pleasure-loving man. Who'd been the chaplain at the household of a noble lady. And he would leave his grave every night and go to her bedchamber. My, my. Growning and muttering. Inside the chamber or on his way?

Just in general, I think. General. General gibbering, gibbering, gibbering, isn't it? Yeah. So she begged the Friars for help. So two of them and two sturdy laymen kept watch on the cemetery. So you've got four guards there. Keep watch on the door, people. Why are you all guarding the cemetery?

Guard the place where he's known to go. Yeah, but guard the place where he's known to go. Yeah, that's a point. And if you've got four people at watch, don't at one point leave only one of them. Presumably the weakest there on guard. Of course. Some little teenager with a wispy bumfluff moustache. Yeah.

And at that point, the devil caused the corpse to rise from its grave and rush at him with a fearful roar. So he drove an axe into it. And it fled, groaning even louderer, presumably, than the other times when it was groaning. I can only imagine, yeah. And was that the last that was heard of that? Well, the pleasure-loving friar who did not love getting axed.

But our plucky friar chased it back. to its tomb, which opened of its own accord and then closed again once he'd gone in. Oh, that's very Scooby-Doo, a tomb that opens itself. And you could tell that the bit of the tomb that moves will be drawn on a cell. Definitely different colour.

So you'd be like, that's going to move. But they went in, and the corpse, which had bled heavily, was in there. So they carried it outside the monastery walls and burnt it. Right. I do wonder if we are just dealing with narcolepsy. Yeah, in many of these cases. It kind of sounds like some of these guys are not, in fact, dead. No, they've just got tombs with a bit of tomb that's a different colour to the rest of the tomb that allows them to get out.

That's it. It's as simply that. Well, the fourth one comes from a castle, which old Billy of Newburgh calls Anantis. So it might mean Alwick in Northumberland or Anand in Dumfreesha. That would be Annic in Northumberland. Is it? Yeah. In Northumberland. Is it spelled A-L-N-W-I-C-G?

Yes, he's got an L in it. It does have an L. Don't say it. So this time a wicked man doesn't say how rich he was, injured himself severely in a fall when he was spying on his wife and her lover. Wow, to come off badly in this story. Yeah. For that to happen and people would like, yeah, but you know, you don't like this guy.

He's wicked. But he, well, he died unblessed. The priest came up and urged him to. to repent and receive the Eucharist, but he was really annoyed about his wife. So he said, no, go away. I'm too mad. So he died unshriven. Oh, not unshriven.

Totally shriveless. But they did give him a good Christian burial. That's nice of them. But every night he roamed about, pursued by barking dogs. Someone shrived that guy. They should have shrived him. People were terrified of him. They didn't want to go outside.

They didn't want to get what they said for fear of meeting him and being beaten black and blue. And his plague-ridden breath filled every house with disease and death. So the priest was like, oh, what should we do? What can we do? What can we do about this guy? Two young men took matters into their own hands and destroyed the corpse. And when they found it, it was only lightly covered with earth, hugely bloated, face full of blood and shroud torn to shreds. And when they, they sort of poked it with a spade, it gushed blood like a leech.

Well, so they smashed. Don't hit corpses with spades then. Well, they needed to because they smashed it open, tore the heart to pieces, and threw the body on a fire. Right. Disgusting. That's a horrible thing to do. The plague then ceased. Oh, good.

Mm. Did anyone try that with COVID? Yeah, no. No, they didn't. If you've got a problem with communicable diseases, find someone who has recently died, and smash their body apart. The richer and evil of the better. Yep.

And chuck them in a fire for safekeeping. Well, I'm very doubtful of... I mean, every one of these stories has had a happy ending of sorts, and that happy ending has been the desecoration of a corpse. And they burned it. Yep.

Or in one case, the first one, they refused to burn it, because that was, as it says, too unseemly. You're right, actually. In the first one, they just left a note saying, please stop all that. Stop it on Wilburne.

They desegrated a corpse. But those were the 04 tales, and now we've got the cat. Oh, okay. All right. That metaphor that I now realize I have to leave in. We're going to Devon. Yes, next door sit.

Lovely. To Buckfastly, which is where the Buckfast Abbey is. which is where they made that Buckfast tonic. Where Buckfast, it's like a fortified wine, is it? Yes. It was originally sold as a medicine, and then they were like, it was really just wine. It's wine with caffeine.

People really like this medicine. Wait, so it's like Red Bull. Yeah, it's got more. Monster Energy drink. It is, but pre-mixed vodka Red Bull. Wow. It has more caffeine in it than an espresso and way more than a Red Bull.

Really? Yeah. It's tough stuff. It's famous in Scotland. Yes, I'm aware of that. So what was it supposed to do as medicine? Make you sort of wired and drunk? You were supposed to take it three times a day,

three small glasses a day for good health and lively blood. Right, that's medicine, is it? And you're just medicine that you just take all the time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Donald Trump hasn't been looking great recently. Let's get him on the book fast. Get him on the bookie.

Get him on the books. Mrs. Brown, as it's known. Cumbernauld rocket fuel. Is that what you say, that word? I've never said it said it. I think so, yeah. Commotion lotion. These are all official bookfast synonyms.

Official buck buffers nicknames. Official Scottish nicknames. Official Scottish nicknames. Jakey juice. Rec the Hoose juice. A bottle of what the hell. are you looking at? Ah, very nice.

We're not talking about the monks. We're not talking about the drink. We're not talking about the abbey. We're talking about the town nearby Buckfastly. And there there's a Brook Manor where lived Richard Capel or Cabell, who died in 1677. And according to Devon folklorist Theo Brown, we know practically nothing about him. Right. But I mean, do you need to attribute no information to a folklorist?

I think you could have just told me that. Without telling me who it is that doesn't know anything about him. But all they know is that he rebuilt part of his house in 1656 and had a horrible reputation as a persecutor of village maidens. And he had two houses and he would basically try, or constantly be trying to kidnap maidens from the village. Oh, come on. He had an unenviable reputation as a violent and powerful squire,

an evil and rich man. And when he came to die in 1677, his end was unpleasant and it either was that as he lay dying, wish towns or demonic dogs gathered around the house howling horribly

or he was out and a pack of wish towns chased him across the moor till he dropped dead. I like that one better. Yeah, me too. So he was buried deep inside his house and it's in a tomb that is still there to this day

in Buckfastly. It looks quite... Do look for it. It is there. Do look for it. It is there. It looks... It's quite distinct.

It's got a big sort of pyramidical roof on it. Oh, yes. And it has... I mean, it looks a little bit like a bus stop. It's got bus stop vibes, but Alistair don't wait for a bus there. Because, one, is in a graveyard. Buses don't stop in graveyard.

It's not on the road. And two, on the side, there's a small oak door with a large keyhole and in 82 In 1982 In 1982 According to Theo Brown Children of the village

Climb the hill Walk 13 times round the tomb And dare each other To insert a little finger Into the keyhole To feel Capel Nor the tip

Sorry to feel what Capel The Squire Yeah Knore at the tip Of their finger Nor like nibble Nibble

At their finger That's good though That's good Childish ritual And it carried on Until at least the 1990s And it was known as the Vampire's Tomb And even in 92

Someone noticed that there was a little Cross of Twigs carefully tied together laid on the tomb Presumably as a protection Yeah Very good And at the time of recording And release

In fact of this episode You might be able to spot Capel Because he's pursued by Spectre Hounds, either on Midsummer's Eve at Horson, which is one of his two mansions, or at Brooke, the one in Buckfastly, on the 5th of July, which is old midsummer, like Midsummer on the old calendar. Oh. And if you think that guy sounds familiar, that rich, evil guy sounds familiar, it's because he was the, well, a lot of people believe him to be the prototype or the what Arthur Conan Doyle based Hugo Baskerville on in Hounder. at Baskervilles. Oh, very good.

And in fact, the description of the manor is very close to the description of his manner, Cope, whatever it's called. In Hound O Baskervilles. In Hound at Baskerville's eye. So there you have it. There's a little sort of zombie O'9 tales,

four tales. We know Sherlock Holmes as an opium addict, but originally I guess it would have been Buckfast. It'd be on the Bucky. Yeah. It would have been on the Bucky. Yeah. Definitely.

Wow. Prescribed by his doctor friend, John Watson. Yes. Just three small glasses a day, Sherlock. For some lively blood. They don't call each other Sherlock and John. That's the BBC version I'm doing there. Just three small glasses a day, Holmes.

Oh, that's nice. That's not a very good, Tim from the office, though. That's terrible. Yeah, terrible. Good. So you ready to score me zombies? I am, yes, absolutely. Okay, okay.

You've got some categories there, James. I've got a few. We've got a little category. I've got a little cat. First up is, well, naming. Names. Okay, a bookfast. Bucky.

Good name for a horrible drink by the sounds of things. Billy of Newburgh. Yes. What is Newburgh? I think it's in Yorkshire. Because it was Newbury. It was the Abbey at Newbury. Because Newbury and Newburgh mean the same thing.

I'm pretty sure one is a typo of the other. Yeah. You say Newbury, but in fact they were all newly buried. Oh, nice. When they rose. That's nice. That name actually carries a secondary significance. Yeah.

What else have we got? Brook Manor. Fine. Hugo Baskerville. It's a nice name. Also kind of made up. The Vampire's Tomb. That's all right.

Yes. I mean these all sound like really good Amiga games. Whistowns. Wish towns. W-H-I-S-H-H-T-T. Whistowns? Whist. Demonic dogs.

Oh, and Alistair Buckfastly is joint longest town name in England that doesn't feature any repeated letters. Wow, we. I didn't realize we had a celebrity in our midst. Exactly. Oh, a celebrity name there. Very impressive.

It's joint second. Yeah. Oh, wait, I thought it was joint first. Joint second. It's joint second alongside Buzzlingthorpe Leeds, Buzzlingthorpe, Lincolnshire. But our winner, in at number one,

is in Worcestershire. It's Bricklehampton with 14 letters. Bricklehampton. Very, very good. Buckfussig scrapes 13. Oh, and one last, one last, Hail Mary Richard Cable or

Capell known to posterity as Dirty Dick Dirty Dick Is he the guy The pub Near Liverpool Street is named after

That might be a different guy I think that was a London guy I think that was a London guy Who didn't wash Fair enough One day Sir you will Have one of the worst pubs

In London named after you But you could do that too If you don't wash Yeah I suppose it's a goal that's open to all of us. Yeah, okay, I'm going to say it's three out of five for names. What? 13th letters, none of them repeated.

Well, yeah, but it's... Joint second, James. Joint second. Ah, yeah, okay. All right then. Okay, next category, supernatural. Mm-hmm. I guess we have to decide.

Were these men real zombies? Or buried too soon? Or were they buried slightly too soon? because you really do have to wait for them to die when it comes to burials. Otherwise, some of this stuff can easily happen. I think the fact that they kept going back to their tombs. You're right.

That's a good indicator that they're not alive because if I were buried alive, the last thing I would do after fighting on my way from the grave would be to return to the grave and then go back to sleep in there. I suppose it's the only place. Yeah. Even if my wife rebuffed me

and I got nothing out of those sheep, I wouldn't go back to the tomb. No. Come on. So we can only conclude that they were real zombies. Actual zombie, yeah. Yeah. So it's five out of five for supernatural.

I think you gave me five zombies, didn't you? Five separate zombies. Carefully counted out five zombies. Yeah. For my third category, it's Woosh Towns or give a dog a bone. Wush towns or give a dog a bone? Yeah. Wush towns just because it's fun to say.

It is fun. Say it yourself on the bus now. Whist. It sounds like you're trying to attract or tell off a dog. Yeah, it makes me think of Wished, the Scots word for shut up. Ah.

Or give a dog a bone because what is it about these zombies that attracts dogs so much? You think it's the exposed bones? Yeah, they're just walking. You know, in a cartoon

when someone, like, someone's hungry and they see someone in their hands, turns into a cooked chicken. Yes. Dogs don't even need that. It's that without the power for a visual imagination. A shambling bone.

Yeah. Yeah, no wonder dogs are enthusiastic. How many dogs were there in the story? Because there was the wished hounds. There was the wish towns. The wish towns, sorry. Which followed Cabell, cable, dirty dick.

The wicked man who injured himself in the fall, he was pursued by barking dogs every night. Every night. The dead friar, the pleasure-loving man. No, he was it. No dogs there. Sorry. Rich but evil man pursued by a pack of barking dogs.

Very good. I don't miss that. And one can only guess that the dead man in Buckinghamshire, who almost crushed his wife and then bothered them animals. He must have bothered a dog amidst all about. He probably bothered at least one dog. Yeah, okay. Minimum. All right.

Well, my heart says it's a three, but I'm feeling bad. about the first three, so I'm going to say four. Yeah, nice one. My heart says that man probably annoyed a dog is not a strong argument. And yet I'm going to accept it. Yes. And my final category, sometimes they come back again again. Sometimes they come back again.

Again. There is, sometimes they come back as a film based on a Stephen King book. And then there is a sequel called Sometimes They Come Back Again. And there is another film in that series, which I can only imagine is called, to come back too furious. Sometimes, I don't know sometimes they come back again. The sequel is sometimes they come back for more. Oh.

And presumably the sequel to that is sometimes they come back for more again. Yeah. Really difficult to work out which when you're talking about. I guess, yeah, we've proven that zombies exist today. Yeah. So I can't argue with the claim. Sometimes people come back from the dead and annoy their wives. Yep.

Amongst other people. Amongst other people, yeah. Mostly evil men so far. Yep. Mostly rich. Some rich, not all rich. No. Hashtag you don't have to be evil to be rich, but it helps.

Yep. And one friar. Yes. And one monk, although he didn't actually come back to do the monk. No, there's a monk. a brave monk. Yes. And then a monk reporting on it.

So we got, I mean, sometimes monk come back again, again. Yeah. Yes, that monk made it to the end of the story. Very touching. Multimunk. So what did you say, five? I don't think I actually said that. I feel you put in words in my mouth there, James.

I've been watching too much Darren Brown. Have you actually been watching Darren Brown? No. All right. But you think I have? I was supposed to start asking which of the specials? Ah, you planted that thought in my mind. But it made you think I have.

Yeah, because I just said it to you. I'm a big Derham Brown fan. You're not a big Derham Brown fan. I am a big Derrim Brown fan. I was magic. You know, when they were new, I watched a lot of it. I love magic. It is just magic.

It's just magic. The greatest trick Devin Brown ever pulled was making people think he was a psychological illusionist when he is a magician. Yeah. And that's also what a psychological illusionist is. Yeah. he's a mentalist.

So I guess it's five out of five. Yes, I suppose. Got it, did it. Got him. I believe that was my choice. Got him, listener. What? What?

Oh, they're a listeners. This is the walls falling down. Those are the walls falling down. Somehow I knew that. McIntyre now. That's what he does. He tricks people into thinking they're going to the barbers or something. And then it turns out they're on stage at the Palladium.

Very cruel man. Very cruel. Rich and evil. Do you think where does he sleep? Do we need to leave a note on his chest? He bursts into people's houses at night and films them. That ain't right. Yeah.

That ain't right. It might be the first person to come back from the dead by way of callback. And you'd be like, okay. Maybe not my thing, but structurally that was good. If you walk round his tomb 13 times at midnight and poke your finger in, you can feel what's in his man draw. People who don't know the routine will be interpreting that in a much more unpleasant way. That sounds bad.

Look up Michael McIntyre if you want. It's a good routine. There's a lot of hope. It's a good routine. Hey, he's a good comedian to be fair to him. To be fair. To be fair. If you're listening, we do think you are a good comedian, Michael McIntyre.

Yeah, come on, Michael McIntyre. Come on, come on the show. Yeah, come on, pop on, pop on, pop along, pop along. But stop on torturing ordinary members of the public on television. Yeah, taking into people's houses at night. Stop it. It's not cool. No. And tricking people into thinking that a barbershop has that many corridors running into it is, that also seems wrong.

I doubt a zombie could be. appease by a tapus. They do like pickybutts. That's the finger food. Yeah. Yes. Very much so. There will probably be a couple of little outtakes from that episode,

which you can get access to if you join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. And also you get access to the lawfolk disco, the lawfolk discord. Oh, what's this? Is there a law folk disco I haven't been told about? It's just we're just playing a music and dancing What aga do do do do what? How do I not know about this? Also, come see us in Oxford on the 1st of July 2026

And thank you very much for all the people who already do support us And who have already bought their tickets and are coming to see us Commander O'Brien Yeah Chief O'Brien, sorry, sorry Please in the edit get that right Otherwise I look like an idiot I'm going to.